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.tv. now here's a a brand

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Who's ready

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for the

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best fucking

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night of

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their lives?

0:57

Who's ready

1:00

for the

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best fucking

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night of

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their lives?

1:23

and the best damn band in

1:25

the land am i right Am

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I are in the live music

1:29

are of the world that is

1:31

the capital of the world.

1:33

Carlos Sosa, Kiltoni band.

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On the Fernando

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Castillo, Nacho Bilejo, Fernando

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Castillo, the drums,

1:42

that is Grande,

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on the drums that is

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1:51

on the electric guitar,

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you guys ready to start tonight's

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episode? Every single week I book

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the show and what a great

3:33

way to do it tonight. Two

3:35

of the funniest human beings that

3:37

have ever been guests on this

3:40

show. Literally, one of them is

3:42

the guest with the record. I

3:44

do believe, we have to double

3:46

check it, but I do believe

3:48

he passed the late great Brody

3:50

Stevens for appearances on this show.

3:52

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

3:54

for your guest. Two of the

3:56

best. It's Lewis J. Gomez and

3:59

Jolie! Jay

4:04

Gomez from the Legion of Skanks.

4:07

Showless is here. The birds are

4:09

flying. This is fun. What a

4:11

perfect little duo, two great friends

4:13

from the city of New York,

4:15

a beautiful, beautiful, place if you

4:18

don't count illegal immigrants lighting innocent

4:20

women on fire on subways. But

4:22

other than that, a stunning city

4:24

that we visit two nights a

4:27

year exclusively to do your biggest

4:29

arena. And I'm glad you guys

4:31

could make it to a city

4:33

with law and order. You call

4:36

this city a city with law

4:38

and order? Are you out of

4:40

your fucking mind? The homeless people

4:42

should light themselves on fire here.

4:44

You would clean up this shit

4:47

hole. Are you out of your

4:49

mind? I've never been here and

4:51

not run from a homeless person

4:53

on this street. Well, in their

4:56

defense, you do look like their

4:58

perfect prey, Joe List. I mean,

5:00

I'm not even homeless and I

5:02

want to chase you sometimes when

5:04

I see you. I really, last

5:07

time I was sprinting away from

5:09

two homeless people screaming at me

5:11

and as I was running away,

5:13

two like hipsters and skinny jeans

5:16

and pedoras were walking the opposite

5:18

direction and it was the most

5:20

humiliating experience. The homeless go one

5:22

way, hipsters go the other way.

5:24

It's true chaos. You guys have

5:27

done this show before you know

5:29

how it works. A lot of

5:31

the open mikers are out of

5:33

town. A record for the least

5:36

sign-ups we've had since being here

5:38

at the Mother Ship, 185 people

5:40

are across the street stacked on

5:42

top of one another in a

5:44

bar called poor choices. And if

5:47

I pull their name out of

5:49

this bucket, they get 60 seconds

5:51

uninterrupted. You know their time is

5:53

up and you hear the sound

5:56

of a kitten. That means they

5:58

have to wrap it up then

6:00

or else they bring out the

6:02

angry West Hollywood Bear, which brutally

6:04

interrupts their set. And then I

6:07

conduct an interview. We laugh about

6:09

what could possibly... have happened during

6:11

their set or what else they

6:13

could possibly talk about or what

6:16

else is interesting in their lives.

6:18

My friend with the Kiltoni had

6:20

I'm going to let you do

6:22

the honor of picking the first

6:24

name. The bucket of destiny has

6:27

spoken and that is indeed a

6:29

legible written name and that person

6:31

will be wrangled and they will

6:33

be the first bucket pool of

6:36

the night. But while we wrangle

6:38

that person, we're going to get

6:40

a golden ticket winner up here

6:42

who is fun to watch. And

6:44

you know what I like about

6:47

this guy? This isn't one of

6:49

our big blast out superstars. What

6:51

I like about this guy is

6:53

that the plan is to hopefully

6:56

watch him grow in real time

6:58

over a long period of time

7:00

on this show. He has had

7:02

gone through traumatic brain injury, ladies

7:04

and gentlemen. He has the record.

7:07

for most appearances on one episode

7:09

of a show. This is a

7:11

brand new minute from the one

7:13

and only True Dickens! Me and

7:16

my boys like to watch special

7:18

Olympic highlights to feel better about

7:20

ourselves. And we were watching women's

7:22

field hockey because feminism. When he

7:24

came in and he said would

7:27

you hit that and I said

7:29

I can't and it's because if

7:31

you have sex with a special

7:33

needs girl, sir You will be

7:36

looked at as a predator as

7:38

someone who's taking advantage of someone

7:40

and you need to do better

7:42

If I have sex with a

7:44

special needs girl Oh And I

7:47

pay my bills, I shouldn't be

7:49

on a date with someone who

7:51

needs a chaperone. And my boy

7:53

said, Drew, you're terrible with women.

7:56

You're like a shitty bowler.

7:58

You need to

8:00

use the use the fucking

8:03

Because you may not be cool. may not

8:05

bumpers, but at least you

8:07

hit something. but at least you

8:10

hit cheese sandwich

8:12

combo cheese sandwich

8:14

combo away.

8:17

concert away from view

8:19

of my life. the best y

8:21

'all so much. of my life. Thank y'all so

8:23

much. I I don't know if

8:25

I I this before his set,

8:27

but he suffered from a traumatic

8:29

brain injury before. brain Drew? I'm

8:32

great, how are you, Mr.

8:34

Tony? I'm Hell yeah, you got

8:36

a lot of energy. Hell yeah, you got

8:38

a lot of did that feel for

8:40

feel for you? It felt it felt a

8:42

little tongue tied at the end,

8:44

but I'm getting my pacing down,

8:46

I'm not pacing yelling not just yelling

8:49

at it. he's talking directly. directly.

8:51

been reading been reading. Reading the internet,

8:53

Not good, Drew. No, my

8:55

my mom told me that.

8:57

She's like, you need

8:59

to stop yelling. Reddit is

9:01

hammering you. hammering you. mom mom

9:03

reads it? Your mom told you that the

9:05

Your mom told you that

9:07

the internet is hammering

9:09

you? Yes! That is hilarious.

9:11

mom at? She's in She's in

9:13

Washington. Washington State. absolutely. What does

9:15

she do? does is

9:17

a elementary school teacher.

9:19

school teacher. Wow. Oh my goodness,

9:22

is she she always done that? Yeah, yeah,

9:24

for about for about 20 years

9:26

now. She's almost ready to retire. Okay,

9:28

so what so what level is she

9:30

teaching exactly? So she fluctuates, she'll go

9:32

from third grade to fifth grade, grade,

9:34

loop, which means stays with the

9:36

same the same students just

9:39

years? Like it's just depends.

9:41

Right, right, right, right, right. And what

9:43

level are you at? I level

9:45

ha, ha, to fuck your

9:47

to fuck Whoa! What the fuck

9:50

was that? What the fuck

9:52

was that? These people, all

9:54

I do is help this

9:56

always help

9:59

this guy. All I do is help I

10:01

do is help me that you told me

10:03

that you suck And the what do I do?

10:05

I go, Drew, Ron, what do I do?

10:07

I go, Drew, you got another

10:09

minute? Let's try. Take your time. Fucking

10:12

pace yourself. then And then you

10:14

come out you say, oh, fuck your mom,

10:16

don't it? Kind of of bullshit, Is

10:18

everyone just take the knives

10:20

out of my back? out of my

10:22

back. I read between the lines

10:24

the your mom's legs. mom's legs. What

10:26

the fuck is going on? What is

10:28

going Are you threatening to

10:30

fuck my to -old 78-year-old mother? Joy

10:32

to be upset with

10:34

you. upset with you. you before

10:36

this, before this, Drew. We go to

10:38

to... one more one more posting

10:41

on Reddit after this. a

10:44

78 a 78-year-old out out

10:46

of Yonestown, Ohio. Guys, what

10:48

do you think about Drew

10:50

think about Drew I'm not asking

10:52

you. not asking you. Are you guys

10:54

insane? Lewis Jake goes. I think Drew is, Goess.

10:56

I think Drew, he's the

10:58

sweetest fucking man on a very

11:01

funny a very funny guy. and

11:03

has a speech impediment and might

11:05

be retarded, but beyond that, I think

11:08

he's fucking truly great. I really

11:10

like you, Drew. You know that. you

11:12

you! that. Thank you. Jesus. Joe? This is my first is

11:14

my first time seeing Drew. At first first, I

11:16

thought you had a traumatic injury of

11:18

the injury but then bone, but then... Then hit us

11:20

with with the fuck your mother and now I'm like,

11:22

now all right, now I can get on

11:25

board. now I it was good. on board.

11:27

But no, it was Olympics, are you

11:29

sure said wasn't off when you're

11:31

just looking at your reflection Olympics?

11:33

the black screen? TV wasn't off females just

11:35

so. at your There

11:37

you go. the All right, Drew.

11:39

There to get it started.

11:41

You did it. All right, Drew. Well, way

11:44

to get it other time. There

11:46

goes Drew, Nick. it. We're goes

11:48

Drew. There goes Drew. True, Drew, Drew,

11:50

Drew. Whoa, the lovely Heidi,

11:52

ladies and gentlemen. Oh

11:54

my goodness. Drew scared

11:56

her out of her

11:59

slumber. there. Don't want to

12:01

be backstage, it's true. How about

12:03

a hand for Heidi, everybody? Okay,

12:06

let the games begin, ladies and

12:08

gentlemen. This is the bread and

12:10

butter of the show where we

12:13

meet people. They have no idea.

12:15

These people had no idea that

12:17

they were even going on stage

12:20

just minutes ago. And now, the

12:22

pressure of millions of people watching

12:24

them is upon them. One minute,

12:27

uninterrupted, and then an interview, going

12:29

to your first bucket pool that

12:31

goes by the name of Ike

12:34

Gazarian, everybody. Ike Gazarian. I was

12:36

born in Soviet Union. Book, book,

12:38

book, book, book, book, book, book.

12:41

My family moved to United States

12:43

from Russia in 1998. And out

12:45

of all the cities in US,

12:48

my homophobic father picked San Francisco.

12:51

There are only three types

12:53

of people that live in

12:55

San Francisco. It's gays, Asians,

12:57

and gay Asians. My family

12:59

moved here in 98, but

13:01

in 2010 I moved back

13:03

to Russia to do stand-up

13:05

comedy there. Moving from United

13:07

States to Russia to do

13:09

comedy is a lot like

13:11

moving from Canada to Afghanistan

13:13

to play hockey. It's a

13:15

fucking terrible idea. But I

13:17

gotta tell you, Russian comics

13:19

are as tough as Russian

13:22

soldiers. They prefer bombing. American

13:24

comedy and Russian comedy are

13:26

very different, but we do

13:28

have one thing in common.

13:30

No one likes female comics.

13:32

Thank you guys so much.

13:34

My name is Aikazarian. Aik

13:36

Gazarian. Aik Gazarian. Welcome, welcome,

13:38

welcome. Thank you for having

13:40

me, guys. How we feel?

13:42

And welcome to America. How

13:44

are you? Very good. How

13:46

long have you been here?

13:48

Since 1998, but I keep

13:50

going back and forth to

13:52

Russia a lot for comedy.

13:54

Why did you say for

13:56

comedy like that? I was

13:58

suspicious there. You go there

14:00

specifically to do comedy? To

14:02

help Russia fight you play.

14:05

Yeah, that's what it felt

14:07

like. I voted for Trump,

14:09

I have a reason. You

14:11

did vote for Trump? That

14:13

is so interesting. I love

14:15

it. Okay. Are we letting

14:17

them vote? I guess so.

14:19

I'm from California, I voted

14:21

twice the same day. I'm

14:23

41. Forty-one, how long you

14:25

been on stand-up? Started doing

14:27

Russian comedy in 2010. Moves

14:29

back in 13. I own

14:31

a Russian restaurant in San

14:33

Diego. Business is not doing

14:35

very well after the war

14:37

started. Fucking Americans stopped coming.

14:39

What do you serve? Like

14:41

parogies and stuff? Yeah. parogies?

14:43

Borsch. You guys come over

14:45

to Pushkin, I'll take care

14:48

of you. You've got an

14:50

applause break for parogies from

14:52

Brian Redman. Nobody loves dough

14:54

filled with shit. Unbelievable. Incredible.

14:56

So what's the name of

14:58

your Russian restaurant in San

15:00

Diego? It's called Pushkin. Pushkin.

15:02

Almost like Putin, but... Yeah,

15:04

it's close. It's close. Yeah.

15:06

What else is going on

15:08

there? You got like hot

15:10

Russian waitresses or anything? Oh

15:12

my, my wife hires all

15:14

the most beautiful girls to

15:16

work there. It's really tough.

15:18

It's tough for you. It's

15:20

tough for you. Yeah, it's...

15:22

Hell yeah. A business is

15:24

not doing so well after

15:26

the war and my Ukrainian

15:28

employees hung a huge Ukrainian

15:31

flag on the window and

15:33

the Russians stopped coming also.

15:35

So... I need some more

15:37

customers, God damn it! Is

15:39

it a hookah bar also

15:41

at like a restaurant? Yeah,

15:43

a hookah bar allows you.

15:45

That's a problem. I had

15:47

to make it into a

15:49

hookah bar because people stopped

15:51

coming in. I think Russian

15:53

hookah bar is fair because

15:55

smoking is also bad for

15:57

your health just like Russia.

16:00

I'm sorry to think that he's

16:02

not a comic and he's just

16:05

trying to advertise this restaurant. Yeah,

16:07

I think so. Come to Bushkin,

16:09

please. Come to Bushkin. It's got

16:12

great reviews. Wow, it really does.

16:14

You're sitting at a 4.3 with

16:16

1,109 reviews. Nine years? Let's read,

16:19

find me one of the one

16:21

star reviews. There's a lot of

16:24

five stars, but I like to

16:26

read the one stars. Yeah, that's

16:28

what I strategically go for. The

16:31

worst customer service, very rude workers,

16:33

not a welcoming environment, would not

16:35

recommend. We're Russia, what the fucking

16:38

one? And then Ike, and then

16:40

Ike G responded, I'm sorry, but

16:43

your review is a lie. You

16:45

were smoking same hooka for three

16:47

hours. There was nothing left in

16:50

it. My hookah chef asked you

16:52

if you'd like a refill, you

16:55

refused. You know, coals can't save

16:57

a hookah that's been smoked for

16:59

hours. I'm sorry you feel this

17:02

way, but you should learn how

17:04

hookah work. You can't smoke ashes.

17:06

Wow. This is incredible. Let's read

17:09

another review of Pushkin. Please, let's

17:11

do it. came here to smoke

17:14

hookah. Worst customer service from the

17:16

hookah server, not friendly at all.

17:18

He stated they have a rule

17:21

that we have to change the

17:23

hookah and make a refill after

17:25

one hour because they have this

17:28

rule and it's not true. He

17:30

would not change the charcoal for

17:33

us and when he did he

17:35

only added one charcoal. I would

17:37

not recommend anyone to come here.

17:40

You feel very unwelcome, I will

17:42

never come back again. Ike G

17:44

responded. I'm sorry but your review

17:47

is lie. Oh,

17:51

is it? You were smoking Sam

17:53

Huka for three hours. There was

17:55

nothing left in it. My Huka

17:58

chef asked if you'd like a...

18:00

Phil you refused. know, Coles

18:02

can't say a hookah. That's my

18:04

copy page. I'm sorry,

18:06

you feel this

18:09

way. way. But - You should

18:11

learn how hookah works. You

18:13

You smoke can't ashes. ashes. I

18:15

swear to God. I'm not kidding not kidding

18:17

by the way it would be

18:19

funny for me to just

18:21

read the same response I swear

18:23

to I swear to could check these

18:25

reviews hold on don't on, me

18:28

don't, let me, just... or something I'm

18:30

losing customers or something,

18:32

losing customers here, man.

18:34

Okay, one year review, year ago

18:36

ago. I and husband's experience here was absolutely

18:38

awful with two exclamation points. points. We

18:41

came to this place looking at at their

18:43

real reviews we were in San Diego

18:45

for celebrating our anniversary. our The pictures The

18:47

the reviews are also deceiving. I

18:49

wonder how they got all these nice

18:51

reviews. got all Let's start with the Let's

18:53

Nothing looks like the pictures. We

18:55

got such a negative energy

18:58

from the moment we met the

19:00

people moment we met the people at the entrance. They

19:02

were were not welcoming at all.

19:04

Still we went in. again, the Yauper

19:06

Yelp reviews so good. Went upstairs upstairs

19:08

and got seated. entire time we

19:10

were there, it literally felt like

19:12

people. people... All these these people were

19:14

here for a different reason. know what I

19:16

mean? You know what I mean?

19:19

Felt super uncomfortable. The vibe

19:21

was absolutely dead, and the music selection

19:23

is awful. out of Still out of court we

19:25

we ordered two drinks and wanted a water

19:27

with it. Well, guess what? You have

19:29

to buy your water. water. Yeah, it's

19:31

California Everything

19:34

you wrote

19:36

here responded. Everything

19:39

you wrote prices

19:41

for water. Managers

19:43

do not yell. This

19:45

looks like an

19:47

ad for water. Managers do

19:50

not yell. This

19:52

looks like an

19:54

ad for Wehrwolf.

19:56

You wrote that?

19:58

Fuck yeah! I

20:01

love that you respond.

20:04

I'm going to read

20:06

just a couple more

20:09

of these reviews. Even

20:11

though it looks like

20:13

I could go, don't,

20:16

stop scrolling. I could

20:18

do this all night.

20:21

We could just keep

20:23

you up here. This

20:26

is going to be

20:28

Aikazarian's episode. Here's the

20:31

review. Small place, small

20:33

portion, very expensive. Not

20:35

recommend this place. Hooka

20:38

smoke confuses appetite. My

20:40

friends. Did you write

20:43

your own review? G

20:45

responded. 3200 square feet

20:48

of small place. No!

20:50

Large portion. Hooka confuses

20:53

at Hooka lounge? Very

20:55

interesting. Oh,

21:03

this is the greatest shit

21:06

ever in the history of

21:08

the show. I think we

21:10

just found a new spinoff

21:13

where we just have business

21:15

owners. Come on and we

21:17

read their... Okay. This is

21:20

a complete lie, by the

21:22

way, everybody. Oh, it is

21:24

not. Pushkin is spelled P-U-S-H-K-I-N,

21:27

lounge and bar in San

21:29

Diego. Oh, and we know.

21:31

I mean, we read. Your,

21:34

your help is... Thousands of

21:36

reviews of strong, almost a

21:38

super solid five. It was

21:40

very hard to find the

21:43

ones, there's very few ones,

21:45

and your responses are unbelievable.

21:47

Thank you, Mr. Tony. So,

21:50

one last one. Seven months

21:52

ago, one star. The Hooka

21:54

server is horrible. No manners

21:57

and no customer service. He

21:59

is rude. change the hookahad

22:01

after one hour of smoking

22:04

or he won't bring charcoal.

22:06

He said it's a rule

22:08

here, but after speaking with

22:11

the other server, he denied

22:13

what he said. It feels...

22:15

Wow. It feels that... Oh,

22:18

it feels that he is

22:20

forced to work there. I

22:22

will never go back to

22:25

that place. I'm sorry

22:27

you and your friend felt

22:29

the need to leave two

22:31

reviews. You were smoking the

22:33

same hookah for three hours.

22:36

There was nothing left in

22:38

it. My hookah chef asked

22:40

if you like refill, you

22:42

refuse. You know, coals can't

22:44

save a hookah that's been

22:46

smoked for hours. I'm sorry

22:48

you feel this way, but

22:51

you should learn how hookah

22:53

work. You can't smoke ashes.

23:00

Wow Wow, I mean so

23:02

interesting a wildly successful restaurant

23:04

it seems was yes I

23:06

do stand up calm you

23:08

know And you let the

23:11

stage on fire. Thank you,

23:13

sir to the point to

23:15

where we might need to

23:17

change the charcoal, but Being

23:19

told we're not allowed for

23:21

another hour and unfortunately we

23:24

can't smoke ashes Do you

23:26

ever smoke Ukrainian ashes? Only

23:28

before I go to sleep.

23:30

I love it. What else

23:32

do you do for fun?

23:34

What else about you? You

23:37

seem like a naturally very

23:39

funny guy. I love writing

23:41

a lot. Is this your

23:43

wife? Yes. Wow. Right here

23:45

on my shirt and on

23:47

my t-shirt. Oh my God.

23:50

Look at you represent. Hell

23:52

yeah. She doesn't want you

23:54

getting any pussy. Look at

23:56

that. with with

23:58

my face on

24:00

it. That's how I how

24:02

I get the pussy, by

24:04

the way. way. Oh, okay. No, no, honey, of course

24:06

no, No, of course not. hell yeah.

24:09

You got 99 hell yeah. but a 99

24:11

problems, but a I ain't one.

24:13

I toured doing love it. I

24:15

toured doing Russian comedy, I

24:17

own comedy. and I

24:19

just own the restaurant as many to do

24:21

as many mics, as many shows as as

24:23

can. can. And I do

24:25

fucking well. I mean, yeah. And I'm

24:27

I'm lucky to be here. here. Thank you

24:29

so much for this opportunity. is

24:32

amazing. No doubt about it, doubt about

24:34

tell you, you're getting a big

24:36

getting a big joke book. Congratulations. You did

24:38

it. There's nothing in it. You

24:40

have to write in it. And

24:42

I nothing in it you have to write

24:44

in and I don't know who you're

24:46

looking for it's blank pages It's for you

24:48

to write jokes then. I appreciate that that you

24:50

there was Yelp reviews in there? I thought

24:52

I have to write my name in

24:54

it or something in there? I thought I you did

24:56

it That's what the show is all about

24:58

or people different shapes and sizes and accents

25:01

and everything show is were very fun Different and

25:03

thank you. Thank you guys shapes everybody. Thank

25:05

you and accents and

25:07

everything and you were very

25:09

fun. Congratulations San Diego,

25:11

show your support.

25:13

so much. Eat parogi, smoke hookah, don't

25:16

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25:18

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right your next next

27:59

ladies and gentlemen,

28:01

goes by the

28:03

name One gentlemen goes

28:05

by the name one minute uninterrupted

28:08

for Matt Banwart. Matt Banwort

28:10

I I have hand tremors

28:12

so medical condition for

28:14

me every way to shake I

28:17

have hand tremors. to California a

28:19

medical condition. an For me, every

28:21

weight's a shake weight I only go to California

28:23

want to go to California to

28:25

experience an earthquake just so I can

28:27

be steady, you know? be steady Everyone's

28:29

like, what's happening? I'm like, I don't

28:31

know, sudden clarity? I'm like, I don't know, sudden This

28:33

sucks, dude, I can't go blind.

28:35

I I'd read Braille with a

28:38

stutter, you know? I'd read Brel with a stutter, you

28:40

know? Just... I would love to love to be

28:42

deaf, man. I'd be the first

28:44

guy doing sign language in a

28:46

serif font, you know? in a seraphant, you

28:48

know? you imagine getting bullied by

28:50

the ASL community for your accent? ASL

28:52

community for your want that, I don't want

28:55

to... It socks, dude, I shake all the time.

28:57

It's been really bad the last three years. I

28:59

used to love soup. I used to love chili. Now

29:01

I just, three years. I

29:03

now I just look to

29:05

you know? soup. I used to love

29:07

chili. Now I just

29:09

look chili, you know? What's

29:11

that? Thank you. Yeah, I shaking

29:14

but my ex loved

29:16

it but my ex loved it.

29:18

that's my time you guys, that's my

29:20

time. Am I saying that right Banwar?

29:22

Ban, nailing it, dude Absolutely,

29:24

I was wondering was you kind

29:27

of had you kind of had bad handwriting.

29:29

Yeah, and now I see why

29:31

it makes perfect sense. It's like a

29:33

third like a third grader

29:35

with palsy, It's bad Yeah. When did, have

29:37

you, you you've always had

29:40

that? that? I noticed it, like, junior year in high

29:42

year in high school and it's just

29:44

gotten kind of worse the last three

29:46

years it's It's gotten. Pretty bad. so

29:48

maybe you should you should stop doing

29:50

really nerve -wracking activities activities in front of

29:52

front of large groups of people. know,

29:54

I You know, I think that's

29:57

contributing factor. think that think part of

29:59

it. of it Yeah, I shake all

30:01

the time. It's rough soup

30:03

sushi my big two enemies

30:05

Yeah hard to operate chopsticks.

30:07

I just got sushi a

30:09

day. I was doing them

30:11

with both hands and though

30:13

I can just getting bullied

30:15

by the staff was embarrassing

30:17

Yeah, I was like give

30:19

me a fork. I don't

30:21

care right what did they

30:23

say? I couldn't understand them

30:25

I was just thrilled to

30:27

be there. All right. Were

30:29

you on a date or

30:31

something? No, I was. I

30:33

was out with my friends.

30:35

Right. Yeah, I don't know.

30:37

Okay. My love life's not

30:39

exciting. Really? A little bit.

30:41

I don't know. Huh, interesting.

30:43

All right, Edward Vibrator Hands.

30:45

I thought it would be

30:47

good. I thought you'd be

30:49

like Michael J. Fox or

30:51

something, you know what I

30:53

mean? No, I got a

30:55

quick one. I was seeing

30:57

this girl, I went on

31:00

like four or five days.

31:02

We were exclusive yet. She

31:04

was like, you should come

31:06

see me at this bar.

31:08

She texted me. I was

31:10

like, I'll be there in

31:12

five minutes. She goes, all

31:14

right. See you soon. I

31:16

walk in, and she's like

31:18

making out with another guy.

31:20

And I was like, well,

31:22

it's okay. I'm fine. Oh,

31:24

it's okay. Oh, it's okay.

31:26

You have a cast on.

31:28

That would be crazy if

31:30

it wasn't you. Was it

31:32

a clear picture or was

31:34

it all shaky? Make a

31:36

great point. I'd imagine you're

31:38

one of the worst photographers

31:40

in the history of human

31:42

civilization. What else? Lewis. We

31:44

should have him go fight

31:46

the Ukrainians and Russia. You

31:48

never know when I'm going

31:50

to throw one. All right.

31:52

Yeah, we're gonna miss. Yeah,

31:54

absolutely. So what else do

31:56

you do? I just just.

31:58

stand comedy That's

32:00

for a living

32:02

for a is, yeah. It is, how long

32:04

you been doing it? you been actually my

32:07

nine year anniversary. Today is my my

32:09

nine-year anniversary. you been doing my nine nine

32:11

years? Where have you first four were in

32:13

Iowa. My first open mic was in

32:15

Cedar Rapids, Iowa, My and then open mic

32:17

was years, and here for the last

32:19

year. and then when you were in

32:21

Chicago, did you ever visit the And here

32:24

for the last year. Okay, when you

32:26

were in how could

32:28

I not know about visit the bean?

32:30

Okay, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's a phenomenal Tony,

32:32

it's a phenomenal landmark, a

32:34

dude. Huge fan of the

32:36

bean. the bean. Oki-doki! All right there, shaky hands, Jenkins.

32:39

All right, keep hands, Jenkins.

32:41

Let's just keep this interview

32:43

going. work before being did you do

32:45

for work before being able

32:47

to depend completely on stand

32:50

-up comedy? Uh, yeah, I I

32:52

You made, uh, martinis at

32:54

a bar or something like

32:56

that? something like that. Spoiler

32:58

alert, not stirred. No,

33:00

I briefly did I

33:03

briefly did digital marketing. I did digital

33:05

marketing. on a You did that on a

33:07

keyboard with a computer? goes, XR, XR,

33:09

TT, TT, TT. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

33:11

oh. Fuck. This job fucking

33:13

sucks. Dude,

33:16

I use voice to text to text people,

33:18

and it fucking sucks. I can't swear. It's just

33:20

four. It's like, I'll be like, fucking. It's

33:22

just four, star, star, star, star, star. Yeah. I

33:24

just swear like a third grader it. on

33:26

the phone, it's bad. a third Are

33:29

you ducking the

33:31

phone it's bad. Right. Are

33:34

you ducking serious? Red band.

33:36

Okay. Okay. Is your

33:38

favorite band the Alabama

33:40

band the Alabama Shakes? No, shaky graves.

33:42

you go. go. right.

33:44

Have you considered

33:47

being a hands -in -the

33:49

-pocket comedian? No comedian? No.

33:51

What have to possibly talk

33:53

about talk about if he did that? I've

33:55

got more could talk about other

33:57

stuff. No, I know I'm

33:59

just I'm kidding around. kidding around. How

34:01

about What what do you do

34:03

when you're not doing stand -up? not doing

34:05

stand-up? Oh I'm a wicked good sprinter.

34:07

wicked good sprinter. Really? Yeah, I'll race anyway. meter

34:09

dash is like dash is What is

34:12

it? I had, whatever you want

34:14

it to be. Whatever you I don't

34:16

think that's how it think that's how it

34:18

works. I think I really? a No, that's

34:20

a lie. No, that's a lie. If I if

34:22

I ran a 4 -3, I'd be

34:24

the NFL right now. I would

34:26

not be doing this. be doing this.

34:28

thing to lie about. thing to said

34:31

you're really great at something. great a

34:33

good sprinter. I've never a good my

34:35

40. I've never you think you can

34:37

just be fast and be in

34:39

the NFL. that you think you

34:41

can just be have this super fast

34:43

kicker that can't kick. Yeah. We have

34:46

this super fast kicker that it is a

34:48

good thing to have when

34:50

you're being chased by homeless people

34:52

in Austin, Texas. people. So Matt, other than

34:54

other than sprinting, other you have

34:56

any other anything anything else that

34:59

you do? other than stand-up comedy?

35:01

I collect cards a

35:03

huge Iowa Iowa State

35:05

fan. There's not a not a lot

35:07

of us. And I collect Hakeem Butler rookie cards.

35:09

cards. He is my favorite

35:12

player in the league. not in the league.

35:14

Yeah, He's not in the drafted but never played. So I

35:16

never played. all of So I collect all of

35:18

his rookie cards because they don't cost

35:20

anything. anything. He's the

35:22

only guy I can afford. I

35:24

can afford. I'm his his biggest

35:26

fan fan. All right, right, Red

35:29

Band. Does Does silencing

35:31

your phone work? work? What

35:33

do do you mean by that? that? I

35:35

if he like, phone, does

35:37

he feel his I put it

35:39

on vibrate, just balances out. If I

35:41

put it on a that's a reach. it

35:43

Don't know why I checked

35:45

in with you there. out. Right. Oh, yeah,

35:48

that's a reach. Don't know why I checked in with

35:50

Matt, I I feel like there's

35:52

probably something more interesting about your

35:54

- about your life. What do you have? Do

35:56

siblings that have this have

35:58

disorder, your Your family? What did doctors

36:00

actually say to you? it you gotten

36:02

it checked out? the Yeah, I've gotten, I've had medication

36:04

had medication for it. It doesn't really

36:06

work. mean, it kind of. What kind of

36:08

medication did they give you? they give you? It's

36:10

for I don't know. all, I That's the

36:12

stuff. that's It the the stuff. It really do anything

36:14

do It do just kind of makes me

36:16

tired. It's like a beta me so

36:18

it just makes me not feel happy. blocker,

36:20

so it just makes me not kind of

36:23

a happy. Yeah, it? of a downer, isn't a

36:25

downer, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it? That's

36:27

Red answer to everything. to

36:29

Is alcohol is alcohol help. I wished it

36:31

does not. I drink a

36:33

a lot, it it might actually be

36:35

a contributing factor. a That makes sense.

36:37

Yeah, you might just really need a

36:39

drink. Yeah, you might just you have one? a

36:42

love one. Do you have right, well, one. All

36:44

right, well. I'm have to go buy one

36:46

after this. one after this. Matt, I like your I

36:48

like your style, you're getting a

36:50

big book. Thank you, man, big If you

36:52

catch it, that is that is. The moment

36:54

of truth. Wow amazing Matt

36:56

fanwort ladies and gentlemen

36:59

ladies and gentlemen. hands comedian that wasn't

37:01

made a golden hands comedian that

37:03

wasn't made a golden

37:05

ticket winner in the history

37:07

of the show. right.

37:09

Your next bucket full goes

37:11

by the name of

37:13

Jeffrey 60 everyone. uninterrupted make Make

37:15

some noise for Jeffrey Lee,

37:17

everyone. everyone Yeah,

37:23

I'm doing van life

37:25

ladies and and it's

37:27

going pretty good. it's but

37:29

one downside is good, but

37:31

one downside woken up by

37:34

the police. you get woken

37:36

up by you know? And

37:38

it went kinda like

37:40

this. unfortunate, you know, and

37:42

it went kind Who's

37:44

there? this Knock knock

37:47

Who's It's the police. the police

37:49

It's police police What

37:54

are you, homeless? Tie

37:57

Wakes me up up. Well,

38:01

you had to knock didn't

38:03

you? That's my one defense

38:05

and not being homeless ladies

38:08

and gentlemen. I'm I functioning

38:10

homeless? Got a gym membership.

38:12

I mean, what do you

38:15

want from me people? Homeless,

38:17

with a gym membership, living

38:19

in a van, that's pretty

38:22

much everybody's interview. Oh. Not

38:24

usually their minute. You just

38:26

stated a bunch of obvious

38:29

facts that we already knew.

38:31

Have you been on the

38:33

show before? Yeah, one time.

38:36

Yeah, I remember you. Oh

38:38

dear. Oh, Dee's leaving. He's

38:40

seen enough. You made tea

38:43

leaf. Okay. Okay, so, uh,

38:45

chill list, what do you

38:47

think about this guy? Well,

38:50

you enter your set with,

38:52

what do you want from

38:54

me? And I think I

38:57

speak for everyone I'm with

38:59

and I say, a punchline.

39:01

Yeah, you're really, have you

39:04

been doing stand-up? Yeah, where?

39:06

Well, I'm actually a little

39:09

rusty. I've only been hitting

39:11

a couple mics here and

39:13

there, sparingly. I started a

39:16

new job. I'm doing a

39:18

door guy thing so I'm

39:20

just making the adjustment. What's

39:23

door guy? Where? Where are

39:25

you at? On 6th Street

39:27

here? Yeah. It's a bar.

39:30

Okay. So I'm just, you

39:32

know, letting people in. Right.

39:34

With all of that charisma.

39:37

Yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're

39:39

a bouncer? You're a bouncer?

39:41

I don't really have to

39:44

do that part. I worked

39:46

day shift on purpose. You

39:48

worked day shift at a

39:51

bar. on purpose and you

39:53

still aren't doing stand-up at

39:55

night. I'm doing a little

39:58

bit but not enough. You're

40:01

doing it or not. not Is

40:03

this like a not. bar where

40:05

they have like a Jesus guy

40:07

out front? they It's like, come

40:09

in, my child. It's like, come in my

40:11

child. Homeless Jesus says you may

40:13

enter. it's just a regular old nah,

40:15

it's just a regular wall bar, you know. Right.

40:18

know. right. All right. Most interesting thing

40:20

that has happened to you, living this

40:22

life of bars during the day. during

40:25

the day. Jeffrey Lee. You must have

40:27

seen something crazy or interesting

40:29

or funny, perhaps at all. funny perhaps

40:32

at all? Live on a show. show? I'm

40:34

sorry, dude. It's just that

40:36

it's very mundane. very mundane. It's just the

40:38

just the same homeless people over

40:40

and over again. over again

40:42

and that little depressing a little be

40:45

honest, I wish I wouldn't

40:47

have I want to brought up a

40:49

job Having a job sucks. Okay. You're

40:52

bumming me out, dude. I

40:54

know. I'm so sorry. I mean,

40:56

Jesus Christ, I have to

40:58

say Jesus Christ, I have ever get a

41:00

girl back to your van? get

41:02

a In Austin? to your

41:04

van? In were you

41:06

before Austin? were you

41:08

before Austin? Ohio, Illinois.

41:11

Wisconsin, a

41:13

little bit which which... Were things going better

41:15

for you there? better for a

41:18

warrant there. got a warrant

41:20

there. Now we're talking. Who would guess

41:22

a guy look like that being would

41:24

guess a guy look like

41:26

that being persecuted? just for some

41:28

cannabis, you know what just for

41:30

some cannabis, you know We

41:32

I'm know. No, we know. a

41:35

lot of know. You're stating a

41:37

lot of You things. You had

41:39

a warrant for a burning bush.

41:41

bush? All right, well, Jeffrey, right, a well, joke

41:43

book, dude. Here's a little jokebook, dude. Wait,

41:45

you probably got one last time, right? I

41:47

got a big joke time. No way! No

41:49

How the the did that happen? I mean, I I

41:52

mean, I can be pretty funny. What

41:54

was the joke you you did last time

41:56

you were on? it Do it again,

41:58

just do it with confidence. Look out. There

42:00

to the crowd and do

42:02

it. For the love of

42:05

God, Jeffrey, do something. You've

42:07

done nothing. It's been four

42:10

minutes and 45 seconds of,

42:12

well, this guy looks like

42:15

fucking Jesus a little bit.

42:17

Just fucking do it, Jeffrey.

42:20

For the love of your

42:22

father. Well, folks, to get

42:25

a little personal, I suffer

42:27

from extreme ED. European

42:37

depiction. Is that it? Are

42:39

you waiting? Are you like

42:41

pausing? Are you thinking? Are

42:43

you writing it right now?

42:46

What is happening? What did

42:48

you do before this? You

42:50

see you got to give

42:52

him a little time, Tony?

42:54

Oh, but didn't mean to

42:56

break up your brilliant comedic

42:59

pacing. Little did we know

43:01

the punchline is right around

43:03

the corner. How silly of

43:05

me to think that you

43:07

ran out of gas there.

43:09

I was pulling something out.

43:11

Here we go. Are you

43:14

still bad? No, no. Okay,

43:16

there he goes everybody Jeffrey

43:18

Lee. Jesus fucking Christ. All

43:20

right. Put that mic stand

43:22

back on the X that

43:24

thank you. There he goes

43:27

Jeffrey Lee. There he goes.

43:29

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty mighty.

43:31

How did he get a

43:33

big joke book? Oh, I

43:35

have no idea. I must

43:37

have been in a hell

43:40

of a good mood that

43:42

night. What's the best time a

43:44

day to get a deal? All

43:46

day. With Jack in the Box's

43:48

all day big deal meal, you

43:50

get to choose from four entrees

43:52

like the Supreme Crescent and five

43:54

tasty sides. Plus a drink starting

43:56

at $5. So hurry in?

43:58

take your time.

44:00

You've got all

44:02

day. You've got a

44:04

big deal. Jack, every bite's

44:07

a big right your next

44:09

bucket pull has been on

44:11

the show numerous times before

44:13

this is the return of

44:15

alley been on the show numerous times

44:18

before. This is

44:20

the return of Ali

44:22

so I love downtown Austin

44:24

you guys. It's amazing.

44:26

I see the most is back.

44:28

Like the other week I saw a homeless

44:30

boy band, you guys. guys. I'm serious. No,

44:32

it was a group of know it was

44:35

a group of homeless dudes all singing a

44:37

song together like a boy man, like fucking well

44:39

well. I walked up to him

44:41

and I was like, and I it's

44:43

the like, holy shit, it's a fentanyl five. Kick ass. Then one

44:45

of them Then one of them corrected

44:47

me. was like, actually, we're the with a crack

44:50

I was like, fair enough. was like, fair enough. he

44:52

started heating up a spoon to exactly

44:54

98 degrees. I was like, what the fuck?

44:56

degrees. Then I Then I got

44:58

flashed by the same homeless lady three times in

45:00

the same night. the same night At first it was

45:02

funny, but by the third time I was pissed off

45:04

because we locked eyes and she just started laughing

45:06

at me and she kind of sounded like Beavis. She

45:08

was like, at me She him again, of ha, ha. like beavis. She

45:10

was like yeah, yeah got Something about her laugh

45:12

just triggered me. So I saw a cop and I

45:14

waved him over I was like, excuse me, yeah you

45:16

see that lady right there? She won't stop laugh me.

45:18

And I swear to me you guys, he just looks

45:20

at me and goes, them over and I was like excuse

45:22

me officer and then he walked away. right

45:24

there? All

45:27

All right, thank you. you. Allie Musa,

45:29

set, set, laughs the whole way

45:31

through, through, almost made us

45:33

completely forget about forget who was

45:36

just up here minutes ago.

45:38

just It's incredible. We went

45:40

from Jesus to the devil

45:42

that fast. Here he is,

45:44

everybody. to the The Dark Lord

45:47

Lucifer has arrived. is, everybody. The of

45:49

darkness, Lucifer has arrived. Speaking of darkness,

45:51

deep madness is back. All

45:53

right on Q. You are

45:55

what you see. Pure

45:58

darkness, It's a it's a great deep...

46:00

madness. Allie, that was a great set

46:02

for you, especially for what we've seen

46:04

before I feel like, right? Feel like

46:06

that was your best set? Yeah, it

46:08

was one of the best sets. It's

46:11

like six times on here. You've been

46:13

working hard? Yeah, get up almost every

46:15

night. You look like it. You look

46:17

like you're exhausted. You're a very funny

46:19

looking guy. You're aware of this. Yeah,

46:22

incredible. How's life been going? It's been

46:24

good, interesting, you know, just trying to

46:26

work my way up the ranks of

46:28

Austin comedies, definitely. Tell us what that's

46:30

like. Give us an example for the

46:32

people watching at home. I mean, you

46:35

know, just... How many years you've been

46:37

doing it? 13 years. And how many

46:39

years here in Austin? Three years. Right.

46:41

So go ahead. I mean, there's stage

46:43

time everywhere you can go to any

46:45

open mic, you know, uh... I've done

46:48

the mothership mic numerous times. You know,

46:50

sunset strip, I do all the time,

46:52

Red Vans Club is amazing. I do

46:54

that punchline at the poll show all

46:56

the time. I do, I probably get

46:58

on stage eight to 12 times a

47:01

week, travel back to Arizona, headline some

47:03

bars, and here we are. And that's

47:05

where you're from Arizona. I'm from Arizona,

47:07

yeah. Absolutely. And your ethnicity, remind us

47:09

again, exactly what you have to have

47:12

running through your veins to have a

47:14

face like that. Libyan. Ah, yeah. Pue

47:16

the Gaddafi jokes, the back to the

47:18

future terrorists, all that good shit. We've

47:20

already done all that. This is your

47:22

sixth time on the show. So what's

47:25

changed in your life recently, Ali? Anything

47:27

different since the last time you were

47:29

on? No, I just literally I'm boring

47:31

as shit. I do stand up every

47:33

single day just trying to make it

47:35

in this business. That's about it, you

47:38

know. Yeah. I know you wish I

47:40

had some wild story, but what time

47:42

do you wake up? Like 10 or

47:44

11. And what do you do when

47:46

you first wake up? I do Uber

47:48

eats delivery. Okay. Yeah, all right So

47:51

that's all all I do is stand

47:53

up in Uber eats and barely get

47:55

by Yeah, you know, but you love

47:57

it. I do love Yeah. you're

47:59

very happy I don't

48:01

know I don't know about that, but take

48:04

it easy there. Lewis. I feel it easy there. today is

48:06

I feel like the issue today is that

48:08

everyone here is so unlikeable and their

48:10

families didn't want them home for the holidays.

48:12

That's what's happening. what's So everyone back there

48:14

is just some fucking boring, fucking asshole.

48:16

We're like, all right, dude. Another

48:18

person we don't want to spend

48:20

time with. person we Yeah? want to spend I

48:23

feel like your family doesn't celebrate

48:25

Christmas, so more like 9 -11, am

48:27

I correct? More like 9-11. Am I correct? I'm actually

48:29

half half so so I was raised a

48:31

Muslim because of my father, so

48:33

we would secretly celebrate Christmas. How

48:35

would you do it in secret? Like my

48:37

dad would like you the Christmas tree when the

48:39

Muslim family would come over. would like hide the

48:42

They can only sing

48:44

Silent Night. Muslim family would come over.

48:47

They can only sing Silent Night? Yeah. Wow.

48:49

Yeah. was interesting. All

48:51

right. right. What's your your like, like, Ali Musa?

48:53

was seeing a girl for a while,

48:55

but she lived all the way in in Big

48:57

so it was too far of a

48:59

commute to do all the time. the time. I

49:02

met her at a her at a comedy show.

49:04

I headlined a Mexican restaurant where I

49:06

bombed. bombed. and she she was the only

49:08

person enjoying it in the crowd, so

49:10

we connected that way, and then here we

49:12

are. way us about that night. we You So

49:14

in a Mexican restaurant. night, you laughing the whole

49:16

time. How do you get to say hello

49:18

to her? Do to you go right up to

49:20

her time, how thank you for laughing? say well,

49:23

I was her? the go right just talking to her

49:25

the whole time, like fuck everyone else, it's

49:27

just me and you here, and then we

49:29

you numbers, started talking, started hanging out. She's

49:31

come to Austin a few times, I've gone

49:33

there. No wonder you bombed, you did a

49:35

date Yeah. On stage. Yeah. Incredible. I said fuck the Let's percent.

49:37

I said this. What's just let's do

49:40

this What's your living situation being

49:42

an driver? I'm delivery I and I'm proud

49:44

to say I actually which by

49:46

myself Which is shocking for comedians.

49:48

Yeah, they all have 17 roommates up

49:50

apartment I live in a real fucked

49:53

up apartment complex. We talked about that

49:55

before. been Where I've almost been shot by

49:57

the police there. It's almost down twice. makes

49:59

sense. Yeah, pretty. wild. All right. Well, Ali,

50:01

you've been on the show. You know, I'd

50:03

love to have you back at the Secret

50:05

Show. Hell, yeah. There you go. Much like

50:07

Christmas, you're on a secret show. There

50:10

goes Ali Musa, everybody. Let's

50:13

get some new names out here. Let's

50:15

see what happens here. Maybe I don't

50:17

know if this is new or not.

50:19

Make some noise. A minute uninterrupted for

50:21

Anthony Walton, everybody. Anthony

50:24

Walton. We've

50:26

seen Anthony. Howdy.

50:32

I don't have any kids, so to make sure

50:34

that happens, I like to practice extra safe

50:36

sex. That's when I pull out and come in

50:38

a dude. That

50:46

was just a joke. To

50:49

any gays in the audience, sorry for

50:51

the stolen baller. My

50:55

parents had me at an old age where the

50:57

doctor told my mom that she should get an

50:59

abortion, because I was going to come out blind

51:01

deaf and retarded, his words. Instead, I she came

51:03

out half blind, half deaf, and I'm pretty sure

51:06

I'm autistic. I can't

51:08

afford the test, so I'm taking everyone else's word for

51:10

it. Hell,

51:12

yeah. I got called out recently by my

51:15

cousin. He was like, man, you cry harder

51:17

over celebrity deaths than you do for grandma.

51:19

And I was like, well, did grandma put

51:21

out seven platinum albums? I

51:28

don't think so. Grandma just called

51:30

me gay. Anthony

51:35

Walton. Been on the show before. It

51:37

seemed like a good set for you. Yeah,

51:39

it was pretty fun. was great. Yeah,

51:41

how long have you been on stand -up?

51:43

Seven years. Thanks to you, man. Why thanks

51:45

to me? You're the first headliner I

51:47

saw at like, it's like 2019 at Dallas

51:50

hyenas. And he gave me the best

51:52

advice when I asked. I wanted to start

51:54

stand -up comedy, and they're just like, just

51:56

go out and do a mic. Just

51:58

go do it. And at it. like, the advice I

52:00

else who does it. else who look at you.

52:02

it. Wow, been a are you? of the funniest

52:05

Mexican chill. I've ever seen. Mexican chipmunks

52:07

now I'm mad at seen. Joe

52:09

getting this guy now stand up. at

52:11

Tony from getting this guy into stand I do.

52:13

It happens. what It happens. I

52:15

tell everybody the same thing.

52:17

Go do it. It's pretty easy.

52:19

thing. Go do The fact that open

52:21

mics are free that open unbelievable

52:23

blessing that no other industry has.

52:25

that no other industry has. Lewis Jake he said,

52:28

go to an That's not that's advice.

52:30

That's just like, get out of

52:32

my face. like get out of my was

52:34

yeah, an open mic go now. open

52:36

mic right now. me, stop talking to

52:38

me. stop talking to me. Yeah. to me

52:41

and my friends out and me

52:43

and my I was so nice

52:45

in 2019, you remember those days?

52:47

I was like a real human

52:49

being. you remember those days? It was like

52:51

a real That's fun. being. Okay, near

52:54

the staircase Oh yeah, near the at

52:56

the there at the hyenas. Yeah, I Yeah, I know

52:58

what you're talking about. I used to do

53:00

that. There's really nowhere else to go.

53:02

They don't have an actual green room at

53:04

that to go. They don't else. actual green room me. hyenas.

53:06

Or else, of the only comedy clubs

53:08

in the country without a the they

53:10

have one now, I was informed. the

53:12

country without don't know, they built one.

53:14

one now, it was informed. the

53:16

owner told me. yeah, the owner

53:19

told me when I was at a theater

53:21

I was at a theater. just a Dallas just a few months

53:23

ago. you did you just have

53:25

a stroke? a stroke. What was was that? I blanked out.

53:27

I forgot out. I forgot Randy's name. Randy

53:29

is the owner of Dallas So do Dallas. live

53:31

in So the do you still live in

53:33

Dallas now? I No, Dallas I moved down

53:35

here in May. What do you love

53:38

about Austin, Texas? The fucking comedy scene,

53:40

man. It's fucking beautiful, love it. What's

53:42

something crazy that's happened to you here

53:44

in Austin? happened to you here in town. It's

53:46

very alive alive this, doing the

53:48

open mic in the small room,

53:50

but like, but like the homeless are

53:52

pretty crazy out here here, too That's

53:54

just at a lady. Seems to be a

53:56

theme here tonight I'm I'm asking people

53:58

what's crazy about their They go just

54:00

doing comedy. And there's homeless people.

54:03

Well, homeless people. Is there anything else

54:05

other than up. Is there what you

54:07

saw else other than comedy you

54:09

saw outside homeless and comedy inside? No,

54:11

in the street, but I guess

54:13

that's a shit pretty much the same Oh,

54:15

okay. So All right. the same thing. All right.

54:17

Anthony Anthony, Anthony, what do you

54:19

do for fun? for fun? Oh, man. I love I

54:21

love going to like and wrestling shows. shows.

54:24

Okay. You've We've done that recently here. here.

54:27

Yeah, there was was a metal

54:29

show. want called like as

54:31

leaders. as leaders. So like Oh know

54:33

about know about knows about animals

54:35

as leaders. about animals as as of

54:38

last week as new name. week

54:40

is his new right. All right You ever

54:42

ever do any music yourself? yourself?

54:44

Oh man, I I to like, I played

54:46

guitar and I tried to do

54:48

like metal vocals like I wanted

54:50

to be a vocalist You do

54:53

well great. Let's play some metal

54:55

music. Let's hear I wanted to be a vocalist. You

54:57

do? Well great, let's play

54:59

some metal music, let's

55:02

hear some vocals. Anthony

55:04

Walton, one, two, three,

55:07

four. I

55:26

swear to God, if this show doesn't pick

55:28

up, I'm gonna bring up. I'm back here.

55:30

We're gonna read Yelp reviews for the rest

55:32

of the here. We're going to read he goes. for

55:34

you get a big joke book before? night.

55:37

before? You get a go,

55:39

buddy. Congratulations. before? Never before?

55:41

There you go, buddy.

55:43

Congratulations. There he goes. Anthony

55:45

I'm barely kidding, the way. by I

55:48

way. I two more bad comedians in

55:50

a row. Go track down Ike

55:52

track have him on deck. Have

55:54

them on deck. Your next bucket bowl

55:57

goes by the name of Davy Jackson.

56:06

What's up y 'all? It's good to be

56:09

here looking like a disgraced youth pastor.

56:11

I'm happy to be here. I just

56:13

got back from Atlanta y 'all. Weird

56:15

place. A lot of black people. Yeah.

56:18

I did find out that all

56:20

the black men in Atlanta are

56:23

gay, which was weird. Yeah,

56:25

but also all the white people are on drugs

56:27

in Atlanta. So it's like this weird racist freaky

56:29

Friday. Like what the fuck did Tyler Perry do

56:32

to that town is what I want to know.

56:35

But all those gay black dudes

56:37

are still gangster. They're gangsters.

56:39

Fuck boy. They stole my car

56:41

and my heart in Atlanta.

56:43

They fucking they got me. Yeah.

56:46

A lot of people say once you go

56:48

black you never go back. All right. I

56:53

like Mexican women. Yeah. Yeah. I

56:55

like to say once you go

56:57

Mexican, you never rest again. Because

57:01

you have to sleep with one eye open because they

57:03

will stab you. They'll do that. Once

57:05

you go Latina, you're going to get a

57:07

subpoena. You will end up in court. That's

57:09

just kind of how that works. I'm Davey

57:11

Jackson. Thank y 'all. Davey

57:13

Jackson. Good set. Great stuff.

57:15

We know for a fact from

57:18

your appearances on this show

57:20

before that you indeed have been

57:22

stabbed by a Mexican woman.

57:24

I have. Yeah. I've also gone

57:26

black before. Yeah. How did

57:28

that go for you? I got

57:30

gonorrhea. So that was pretty

57:33

fucking cool. Wow. Was that her

57:35

name or hook up with

57:37

good old Chlamydia Jenkins. There we

57:39

go. I believe she plays

57:41

for one of the WNBA teams.

57:44

That's a man, baby. There you go.

57:46

Davey Jackson. Welcome back to the show.

57:49

What's been going on? So

57:51

much. I actually just met

57:53

Kyle Rittenhouse. Okay. What's was pretty

57:55

cool. Yeah. Actually a really sweet

57:57

guy. Yeah. Damn right. Such

57:59

a nice Hey, dude. Yeah, you fuck with his town.

58:01

Where you meet him at? meet

58:03

met him at a party. I

58:05

was talking about having a

58:07

breeding camp. Was it a talking

58:09

A lot of guns and skateboards

58:11

involved. Pretty fucking cool. Yeah,

58:14

yeah, yeah. party? Very,

58:16

that seems safe. of guns I mean, there's

58:18

less safe ways to meet Kyle Hitt,

58:20

written house from what I've heard. fucking

58:22

cool. Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, that seems

58:25

safe. Yep. Yeah, fuck with

58:27

his town his town. That's

58:30

right. That was pretty cool though. He

58:33

That was pretty cool has a breeding kink, also has

58:35

a breeding kink, so that was fun. about

58:37

just talked about ladies, so so was cool. Yeah, yeah, it was

58:39

yeah, was cool, yeah. a He was a nice

58:41

guy. us Tell us more about

58:43

that. what How does of conversation like that that

58:46

start and go down? was really was really

58:48

just talking to some buddies about

58:50

how I was worried that I have

58:52

a breeding kink. And I heard a

58:54

young voice behind me go, me go

58:56

me too yeah and uh Kyle Rittenhouse walked around

58:58

my left side and I was

59:01

like, I was And he had little and

59:03

he had a retriever with him. He

59:05

did golden no he has a very

59:07

skinny golden retriever. He's friends with

59:09

David a very skinny golden That makes sense

59:11

actually for David, yeah. David Lucas oh yeah

59:13

that makes sense out. He does love

59:16

hanging around yeah bitches. tracks checks up he does love

59:18

hanging Oh, not my boy bitches oh

59:20

No, Kyle he's all right. He's he's okay

59:22

Yeah, Rogan did make fun

59:24

of his dog. of his in the

59:26

green room one night. said, why

59:28

was it so skinny? Why was it so skinny?

59:31

called out, he goes, you got

59:33

it. out, he got your dog

59:35

neutered, huh? you got it. he's like, yeah,

59:37

you goes, I can tell. dog neutered,

59:39

huh? And he's like, yeah, he goes, I the

59:41

way, if you're wondering, for

59:44

me, a for me, a whatever,

59:46

right, that is right? That is of

59:48

the coldest the coldest I've ever

59:50

seen a human land on

59:52

another human, just as I

59:54

can tell. Your dog's

59:56

a pussy, tell. Your It really really

59:58

of is. of is. It's a kind

1:00:01

of like an underdeveloped golden

1:00:03

retriever, very skinny. It looks

1:00:05

very, very like. He's anemic,

1:00:07

leave him alone, dude. Yeah,

1:00:09

it's a sad dog. You

1:00:11

would think if someone was

1:00:13

gonna put him down, it

1:00:15

would be Kyle Rich. Jesus

1:00:17

Christ. But obviously, he loves.

1:00:19

Execute the golden retriever. Art,

1:00:21

art, art, art, art. Incredible.

1:00:24

You just put a little.

1:00:27

There it is. Actually, Joe List

1:00:30

doesn't know me, but I'm actually

1:00:32

familiar with Joe. Okay. Yeah, you

1:00:35

and Mark Norman talked about me

1:00:37

on your podcast one time. Really?

1:00:39

Yeah, yeah. What capacity? Well, Mark

1:00:42

secured some Xanax one time. Oh,

1:00:44

nice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. That

1:00:46

also tracks. Yeah. Yeah, y'all talked

1:00:49

about it on Tuesdays with stories.

1:00:51

What did I say anything bad?

1:00:54

You look mad at me. I'm

1:00:56

not, no, I'm not mad. All

1:00:58

right, I don't really know you.

1:01:01

I'm just gonna, Kyle, come out

1:01:03

here real quick. No. Huh? No,

1:01:06

I know. No, no. You rightfully

1:01:08

called me a piece of shit

1:01:10

for giving him Xanax. Yeah, that

1:01:13

sounds right. He was telling you

1:01:15

the story and you said that

1:01:18

they were probably laced with fentanyl

1:01:20

with fentanylenol. Yeah. Well, maybe something

1:01:22

along those lines. I don't think

1:01:25

I said that. Well, you know,

1:01:27

we can go back and listen.

1:01:29

Wow. Pull up my podcast. Let's

1:01:32

review the tape. One star, you

1:01:34

cannot smoke ash. Let's go back

1:01:37

to breeding king. Correct. Second, because

1:01:39

I've never even heard of such.

1:01:41

a verbiage of something before? I

1:01:44

think everybody doesn't, isn't it just

1:01:46

human to want to come inside

1:01:49

of something? I mean, yeah, probably,

1:01:51

but like I like... One guy

1:01:53

over there has never thought of...

1:01:56

What? What the fuck? Wait, you

1:01:58

the do that, man?

1:02:01

can do that,

1:02:03

man? Meanwhile, the Puerto Rican guy

1:02:05

with a the Puerto Rican guy with

1:02:07

a Puerto Rican of himself a

1:02:09

Puerto Rican shirt of himself is

1:02:11

like, I don't even know what

1:02:13

the don't out is, the This fucking

1:02:15

guy is, dude. This is that guy. Christ, is

1:02:17

What the fuck is happening? Rifraff? What

1:02:19

the shit. It is unbelievable. But does the

1:02:21

does the breeding is that is that

1:02:23

you want them to be pregnant

1:02:25

or you just want to you them?

1:02:27

That's what I'm confused by. them? That's

1:02:29

what I'm confused by. Mexican women so they're

1:02:32

gonna get pregnant. I mean, I've, fuck

1:02:34

to women, so when you say you

1:02:36

have a breeding kink Yeah. that

1:02:38

mean like? B, apparently. I

1:02:40

mean, say you have a you help us

1:02:42

kink, I like the idea. can you help

1:02:44

us a woman I like the idea

1:02:46

of getting a woman Right. Okay.

1:02:48

Right. But that's very dangerous in Texas,

1:02:50

as we know. in you done

1:02:52

it before? Have you gotten women pregnant?

1:02:55

How many abortions are under? women

1:02:57

belt, or her belt,

1:02:59

or abortions are under Like an

1:03:01

even half or A borsch.

1:03:03

A borsch. what? You say a bush? Like

1:03:06

an even half dozen. You went overtimely. you

1:03:08

put holes in your

1:03:10

own condom? own condom? Me? No,

1:03:12

no, no, no, no, absolutely

1:03:14

not. had a have had

1:03:16

a woman holes in one

1:03:18

one before though. though. Right. Those

1:03:20

Mexican women will stab

1:03:22

anything. stab anything. Okay. So, if you

1:03:24

had so many you had

1:03:26

to guess, have how many abortions Oh

1:03:28

have? so sorry, Mom. It's

1:03:31

gonna be at I'm so sorry, Mom. that

1:03:33

I know of. Wow. going to be at least

1:03:35

three that I know of. of shit. three

1:03:37

that you know of. Joe. a piece

1:03:39

of shit. You were right. You were

1:03:41

right, Joe. even terrible. I don't even know

1:03:43

who you are. a nice guy. I like a

1:03:45

nice guy. giving out giving out drugs. You're

1:03:47

paying for for abortion. If you

1:03:49

you had to guess how you had to

1:03:51

guess how many abortions you don't know

1:03:54

of and them up, how

1:03:56

big would this family of

1:03:58

fallen angels be? angels be? I

1:04:00

mean, honestly, not enough enough I've got to

1:04:02

have at least one or two

1:04:04

kids out there one or two kids

1:04:06

out there. So, okay. Incredible. Do we have

1:04:08

an abortion sound effect? Can

1:04:10

you sound do we got here? Can

1:04:12

you go to, what do we

1:04:14

got here? That's a a very

1:04:16

late term abortion abortion. There it it

1:04:18

is. It has arrived to the the

1:04:21

Oh, and a fart. Wow. I guess Wow a

1:04:23

guess that's a side of of

1:04:25

the whatever they give you for

1:04:27

for abortions. Red

1:04:32

Band, that's too

1:04:34

much. It's too

1:04:36

much Red Band.

1:04:38

Oh, the crowd

1:04:40

goes Band is

1:04:43

on fire, an incredible

1:04:45

set of noises

1:04:47

for set of

1:04:50

noises for the

1:04:52

I can't believe you

1:04:54

did that. is, I

1:04:56

can't believe you did no.

1:04:58

Was that a circular Oh,

1:05:00

God. Oh, no. Okay, we're out on fire.

1:05:02

A vacuum cleaner would

1:05:05

be perfect. would

1:05:07

be perfect. Okay,

1:05:10

where's your victory

1:05:13

thing? You deserve

1:05:15

your victory thing

1:05:17

deserve it after that. Deserve it

1:05:20

after that red band on

1:05:22

the soundboard there it

1:05:24

is right here right here

1:05:26

is, right here. Whoo!

1:05:32

Wow Redband is a natural

1:05:34

Beethoven on this iPad.

1:05:36

is It is absolutely incredible. That

1:05:38

was a That was a true journey.

1:05:40

Have you ever taken a woman to

1:05:42

get an get an abortion? Yeah.

1:05:44

Yeah. And is that that drive you

1:05:46

for you Real funny. Not

1:05:48

funny. Well. Yeah, it's it's very

1:05:51

quiet typically it's very quiet Yeah. speaking.

1:05:53

Yeah. Yeah, it's not it's not

1:05:55

a fun time it's a great time

1:05:58

I mean, great time. Internally, I'm celebrating. obviously

1:06:00

but externally you have to look sad like

1:06:02

you just have to kind of

1:06:04

maintain that yeah of to play it

1:06:06

cool right have to play cool stand out to

1:06:08

you pre or post stand out to you

1:06:10

pre or post of them happened of

1:06:12

them happened literally after I had

1:06:14

a threesome. three some yeah you got a double

1:06:16

you got a double abortion thank oh fuck

1:06:19

that would have been so that would have been so

1:06:21

expensive. Holy shit. well no would it would have

1:06:23

been twice as expensive as one abortion. one

1:06:25

Yeah, but it was was was kind of

1:06:27

like a high moment for me. me

1:06:29

and then a really low moment right after. So

1:06:31

it was just a roller coaster, an emotional

1:06:33

roller coaster. If you would have put the girl

1:06:35

on a roller coaster, she would need an

1:06:37

abortion. roller so true. You're right about that. retrospect,

1:06:39

I should you're is a good point. in retrospect I should You

1:06:41

had a that is a good you came inside of

1:06:43

one of the girls. came Right, yeah. of one of the girls

1:06:45

right have come inside of the other girl if

1:06:47

you would have been inside of her at

1:06:49

the time? been inside of her at the time oh No,

1:06:51

no, she didn't didn't seem like mom material

1:06:54

if I'm being real. being real. So, now

1:06:56

we're getting somewhere. This is what

1:06:58

I look for every episode is a

1:07:00

moment of an interview of it's like

1:07:02

finally where fresh meat, something new. So

1:07:04

new. So, this... Breeding Kink where you want to

1:07:06

get a woman pregnant, part of it

1:07:08

is based on the fact that

1:07:10

she might make a good mother a good

1:07:13

though you don't want her to

1:07:15

actually have the baby. The part that

1:07:17

turns you on is that she

1:07:19

seems like she would be a good

1:07:21

mother. like she would be you do this with

1:07:23

a woman that you met that night. It

1:07:25

feels like an SAT question. with a woman

1:07:28

that you met more like an STD question.

1:07:30

There it is. SAT question But But sometimes

1:07:32

a a one night stand. Oh, this

1:07:34

woman who's obviously had many abortions

1:07:36

can't take any more of this. She's

1:07:38

crying and leaving, stumbling her way

1:07:40

out. I think I just saw a

1:07:42

baby fall out of her pocket. her

1:07:45

way out. I think I pretty hot. I'd pay

1:07:47

for one for her. out my goodness.

1:07:49

That is the sound of, hot. my

1:07:51

pay for That is the sound of

1:07:53

an angry woman that's had many abortions.

1:07:55

angry woman that's had

1:07:58

many abortions leaving. What?

1:08:00

Where did Where did Santa

1:08:02

come from? goodness, another goodness,

1:08:04

another baby down the

1:08:06

chimney. There they go.

1:08:09

right. right. was my question? Oh yeah.

1:08:11

I don't even remember

1:08:13

What was my So, okay. So sometimes you'll

1:08:15

meet a So sometimes you'll meet

1:08:17

a woman hook up you'll like

1:08:19

hook up with her that

1:08:21

night if if she seems

1:08:24

what makes a woman seem

1:08:26

maternal to you a guy who

1:08:28

obviously... have a real mom

1:08:30

in your life. mom in your life. Whoa!

1:08:32

Holy shit. You did? Yeah, yeah, no. Loving mother.

1:08:34

you know. yeah, very yeah, very much so.

1:08:36

She homeschooled me all the way through

1:08:39

high school. me alluded to his mother watching

1:08:41

the show. He alluded to his

1:08:43

mother watching the show. You see

1:08:45

this? Okay, okay, right. Wow. We

1:08:48

are are finding out

1:08:50

a lot right now,

1:08:52

so connection close connection with your

1:08:54

mother. say I still I still kiss

1:08:56

her on the lips, it's fine.

1:08:58

You do. fine. We all do. Okay.

1:09:00

Thank you, thank you, Yeah. Because we're

1:09:02

good good sons. No, No, he's saying that

1:09:05

he kisses your mom on the lips. mom on

1:09:07

the lips. Yeah, I I

1:09:09

misunderstood that fuck you. Fuck you. was

1:09:11

that was was a a of a

1:09:13

joke of a joke. Okay. Wow, this is just incredible

1:09:15

to me. So this is just incredible

1:09:17

to me. So does your

1:09:20

mom know that you love coming

1:09:22

inside of Mexican women? I

1:09:25

hope fuck, I hope not. Do you think she

1:09:27

would still kiss you directly on the lips? on

1:09:30

the lips? I mean, I'm not coming I'm not coming in my

1:09:32

own mouth, Tony. So yeah, she would still kiss

1:09:34

me on the lips, I feel like. lips, I

1:09:36

feel like. be can be fun. Okay.

1:09:38

Just kidding. Davy kidding

1:09:40

Very fun Jackson very fun

1:09:42

interview great stuff. You already have

1:09:44

a big Yes, sir. On sir the to the

1:09:46

next one. There he goes he goes. Davy

1:09:48

Jackson. A lot Lot of returns

1:09:50

of people that have been on this show

1:09:53

before a lot a lot a lot a see

1:09:55

what happens here. This looks like a newer

1:09:57

name. Oh the lovely like a newer name. Oh,

1:09:59

the lovely Heidi. this talk of all

1:10:01

this talk of breeding All

1:10:03

this talk of Heidi right on

1:10:05

here comes right right on

1:10:07

cue. bucket hold this looks right,

1:10:09

your next which looks like a

1:10:11

new name, which is very at to

1:10:14

me at this point Make some

1:10:16

noise for for Toddy Tyndall everybody Toddy

1:10:18

Tyndall. So

1:10:22

I was man was door in the door at

1:10:25

being here on 6th Street with a fatty

1:10:27

deterrent system in place. And as I

1:10:29

stood at the bottom of of them stairs, gorgeous young

1:10:31

the only thing that couldn't be with

1:10:33

those spaghetti spaghetti straps, with no on with no braw

1:10:35

hanging out. hanging and she she heads

1:10:37

of age, so I sit the stairs stairs.

1:10:39

It might have inadvertently found myself gazing

1:10:41

up upon her undercarriage. And it

1:10:43

held my gaze my gaze a little longer

1:10:45

than anticipated in those 20 seconds. I

1:10:48

can tell you with absolute certainty certainty.

1:10:50

that she is not one of those those

1:10:52

butthole beach bitches, and also that she has she has pussy. I

1:10:54

pussy. white I seen a little white

1:10:56

fuse sticking out of her panties. later

1:10:58

is And a week later, with 50 pounds

1:11:00

50 pounds of into a into a

1:11:02

mini skirt, X is too small, she's

1:11:05

she's gonna stop of them stairs throw

1:11:07

the ass back for the

1:11:09

world to world to see. It was fucking

1:11:11

horrendous. She had no panties

1:11:13

on. I thought I was looking

1:11:15

on? I thought I was It was at a

1:11:17

bulldoggy Somebody obviously It her fuse. ugh,

1:11:20

gross. Somebody obviously had let

1:11:22

her fuse. Oh, you were

1:11:24

looking at me, you were

1:11:26

you were looking at me. You

1:11:28

were done. I'm directing things, making

1:11:31

the whole show happen. Tawney Tyndall,

1:11:33

everybody. everybody. Okay. Well, well, let's just

1:11:35

jump right into it, Joe a

1:11:37

Joe List. Did you

1:11:39

eat a B's a beesness right

1:11:41

before you came out?

1:11:44

What? You do have

1:11:46

somewhat of what one

1:11:49

would almost call some

1:11:51

kind of of what one

1:11:53

would almost call some kind

1:11:55

of or or impediment or

1:11:57

something. you know about this? this?

1:12:00

need a drink you need your

1:12:02

mouth is dry yes sir yes

1:12:04

I haven't drank this one yet

1:12:06

no a little sip of that

1:12:08

water there thank you guys mouth

1:12:10

is wow absolutely incredible so you

1:12:13

were working a door at a

1:12:15

bar and a woman went up

1:12:17

the stairs with no underwear on

1:12:19

and had a big vagina that's

1:12:21

basically what you were saying it

1:12:24

was ugly yes sir Wow, you

1:12:26

sound totally fine now. Amazing. Okay,

1:12:28

so let's get right into it,

1:12:30

Toddy. How long have you been

1:12:32

attempting stand-up comedy? Three months. Three

1:12:35

months. All of it here in

1:12:37

Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. All on

1:12:39

6th Street. No, sir. I moved

1:12:41

from Carlsbad, New Mexico. You moved

1:12:43

from Carlsbad, New Mexico. How long

1:12:46

ago did you move? September, Labor

1:12:48

Day. 47. 47. 47. 47. 47.

1:12:50

Lewis, Jay Gomez. Speaking of which

1:12:52

Labor Day is the last comic's

1:12:54

favorite holiday. That is true because

1:12:57

they go, women go into labor.

1:12:59

I would have said his least

1:13:01

favorite holiday because he has nothing

1:13:03

but abortions. But it works out.

1:13:05

Either way, obviously was not funny.

1:13:08

I'm trying up here folks. Okay,

1:13:10

so I love it. Toddy Tyndall.

1:13:12

What made you want to start

1:13:14

stand-up comedy at the sweet age

1:13:16

of 47? I had just been

1:13:19

one or two forever and I

1:13:21

just lost my job right as

1:13:23

a good friend of mine had

1:13:25

a room for aunt and eyes

1:13:27

up with the hell. I love

1:13:30

it. What was your job? I

1:13:32

was working the oil field. Okay,

1:13:34

and how did you lose that

1:13:36

job? The company I was working

1:13:38

for lost to contract. Okay. But

1:13:41

you were good at working at

1:13:43

working in an oil. No, I

1:13:45

didn't like it. Why didn't you

1:13:47

like it? Oh my God, I

1:13:49

just sucked. I spent 15, not

1:13:52

15 years. Ten years, my life

1:13:54

on a... I worked offshore

1:13:56

for a long

1:13:58

time. time. Oh, okay. Joe

1:14:00

Liss. hope the

1:14:03

company finds the

1:14:05

contract. finds the contract. So

1:14:07

he gets the job back and

1:14:09

he gets the job back and

1:14:11

stops doing stand I It's the joke

1:14:13

I was going for. There we we

1:14:15

go. you If you explain it, it,

1:14:17

you to explain it. to explain it. So Toddy

1:14:19

Tyndall. that your real name? My name is

1:14:22

name? My love it. I love it. your

1:14:24

real Your real last Todd Tindall. at you. you. Okay,

1:14:26

so let's talk about it. What have you

1:14:28

been doing your whole life other than

1:14:30

working in the oil field? you have any

1:14:32

kids? Are you gay? I

1:14:34

am not gay. Your in the oil

1:14:36

field? You have it. You sound

1:14:38

like a real man until you

1:14:40

hit those ses are... You... Stop it! You

1:14:43

No, I don't care. a real man

1:14:45

was working in the oil ses. I'm

1:14:47

47. No, I don't notice that, that

1:14:49

little fucking gas leak you

1:14:51

got? You don't notice

1:14:53

that don't notice that little fucking... I

1:14:55

don't play for that team, but

1:14:58

they love me. Oh, my God, I'm

1:15:00

not love hit on by men, because

1:15:02

I'm not a husband Did you just

1:15:04

say your husband gets hit

1:15:06

on by men? it's have another

1:15:08

sip of that fucking water, Todd.

1:15:10

your another sip of that water.

1:15:12

You're getting gayer and with men?

1:15:14

Said I mouth dries up and

1:15:16

you're of that fucking guy gets gay

1:15:18

by the sip of that water. You're

1:15:21

absolutely incredible. gay or whatever. Hell yeah, yeah. the gay men

1:15:23

love you, so the gay men love

1:15:25

you. How do you know the gay

1:15:27

men love you? Do they tell

1:15:30

you this after you you them in

1:15:32

the ass? ass? No, I was called a beautiful man I

1:15:34

was called a beautiful man just

1:15:36

a few days ago by another man.

1:15:38

were you called the were called a beautiful

1:15:40

mind. Uh-huh. Where was this at? this at? Where

1:15:42

did this guy call you a beautiful

1:15:44

man? I I work the door the

1:15:47

choices. choices. Oh wow so you so you work

1:15:49

the door at the bar in

1:15:51

which people sign up and for this

1:15:53

for this show off and there I And

1:15:55

there I was again it is yeah

1:15:57

is was your your night off and

1:15:59

you're inside poor choice Get my balls busted on

1:16:01

kill time. on Kill I

1:16:03

bet you wish I bet you wish they would.

1:16:05

out here out here get my balls busted.

1:16:08

Incredible, Todd. So what do you

1:16:10

do for fun? You do seem

1:16:12

like a man with many

1:16:14

hobbies. seem I bet you, like,

1:16:16

you have your own little, like,

1:16:18

train set or something like

1:16:20

that. you I'm a reptile. own aficionado.

1:16:23

set a what? A reptile.

1:16:25

I like reptiles. a reptile. for

1:16:27

a decade. I sold my

1:16:29

reptile business to move here. a

1:16:31

a reptile business. I did. reptile. I

1:16:33

like reptiles. Okay. Can you you ever

1:16:35

put a snake in

1:16:37

your in your butt? Oh, yeah. yeah,

1:16:39

plenty of times. times. No, No, but

1:16:41

seriously. No, not like that, no. not what's the

1:16:43

craziest thing that's happened to you with these

1:16:45

reptiles? thing getting bit by

1:16:47

big snakes and screaming like a little

1:16:50

girl with a skinny. bit by big

1:16:52

snakes and screaming like

1:16:54

a little girl with I

1:16:56

know it must be weird

1:16:58

coming from me from me, but

1:17:00

got news for you

1:17:02

dude, for you, gay bro. gay, bro.

1:17:04

We are gonna figure

1:17:06

this out tonight, Toddy.

1:17:08

I news for you, dude. This

1:17:11

is a very special talent

1:17:13

that I have. I have. Your are

1:17:15

strong. It is unbelievable. I

1:17:17

have to be on the

1:17:19

defense at all times. I

1:17:22

cannot drop my keys or

1:17:24

anything around people like you.

1:17:26

Ha I cannot drop my keys just

1:17:28

said people like you. You just -ha got bibos. I

1:17:30

mean mean, it is just

1:17:32

blatant. is It is blatant. Have

1:17:35

you ever tried being with

1:17:37

a man? with a man? I have

1:17:39

have not. Joe List. Have you ever dealt

1:17:41

with a reptile dysfunction? dysfunction? Oh, that's not

1:17:43

a new one, buddy. I've heard not a new

1:17:45

one, buddy. I've heard that many

1:17:47

you've heard bet you've heard all the

1:17:49

reptile jokes. Why don't you do

1:17:51

some for us? for us? Oh, that

1:17:53

one. that one. Oh, okay. That's about it. about it.

1:17:55

Thought you'd have more in the

1:17:57

tank, or? No, I do not.

1:17:59

not know. All

1:18:01

right. So I have five

1:18:03

kids from four different women. Whoa!

1:18:06

All right, David Lucas. Slow down.

1:18:08

So I am not gay. I

1:18:10

am not. You have five kids

1:18:12

from four different women. You have

1:18:14

a breeding kink. This is

1:18:16

a breeding kink theme show all

1:18:18

of a sudden. There are dudes

1:18:20

just blasting. There's a raw

1:18:22

dog in it. Wow. My pull -out

1:18:25

game is trash. Incredible.

1:18:28

Incredible. So,

1:18:31

okay. All

1:18:33

these kids are in Arizona? Oh, no. I've

1:18:35

never lived in Arizona. from New Mexico.

1:18:37

Oh, that's what I meant. Yeah. It's all

1:18:39

the same thing. Potato, potato. So

1:18:43

they're all there? No, sir. I

1:18:45

have three in Louisiana, one in

1:18:47

Texas, one in New Mexico. Wow.

1:18:51

Oh, my goodness. It's like a

1:18:53

kind of risk. Absolutely

1:19:00

incredible. And how about now? What are you

1:19:02

doing nowadays? What are you... I'm playing in

1:19:04

the field. I'm single for the first time

1:19:06

in a decade, and I'm trying to be

1:19:08

a fucking coxman out here on 6th Street.

1:19:10

How's that working out for you? fucking single

1:19:13

with us. My

1:19:15

standards are on a sliding scale, and

1:19:17

at the moment I'm kind of broke, so

1:19:19

I'm... You said he's fucking with us?

1:19:21

You think he's gay, too. Yeah, he just

1:19:23

said he's like, I'm 6th Street coxsinger

1:19:25

or whatever the fuck at doing. the Fucking 2nd

1:19:27

Cock on 6th Street. Whatever he's doing. I

1:19:33

did just take a photo of the

1:19:35

transvestite sitting in my baby brother to

1:19:37

fuck with him. Told him she wanted

1:19:40

to take me home tonight, and she's

1:19:42

obviously not... She don't have the factory

1:19:44

fuck stick. I'm sorry, factory fuck hole,

1:19:46

rather. Oh,

1:19:48

wait a second. It's

1:19:51

a flag on the play.

1:19:53

You just said fuck

1:19:55

stick, and we all heard

1:19:57

it. She hit... shit,

1:19:59

shit. This girl was born

1:20:01

with a factory a factory What

1:20:03

does that mean? He What does that

1:20:05

mean? Born without the

1:20:07

Born without the fucking regular

1:20:10

fuckhole. Girl had a dick,

1:20:12

is what I'm saying. Joe what

1:20:14

I'm saying The girl, no I'm just confused here.

1:20:16

girl I mean, I'm just of all,

1:20:19

I know I mean the of

1:20:21

all I know this isn't

1:20:23

a but but transvestite. I don't

1:20:25

think we're saying that anymore.

1:20:27

we're mean that anymore. I mean... Yikes.

1:20:31

All right, Toddy, let me

1:20:33

ask you this. All right, this

1:20:35

let me ask you this. Let's

1:20:37

go this direction to try to

1:20:39

crack this code. the gayest thing you've

1:20:41

ever done is the gayest thing you've

1:20:43

ever done in your life? here.

1:20:46

That Oh, you got a

1:20:48

quick answer here. I That finger

1:20:50

went right up. now can already

1:20:52

tell it. I kissed a dude dude one

1:20:54

time. Okay. Okay. Oh, people are Oh, people

1:20:56

are disgusted here in Texas. Just,

1:20:59

oh God! Where Where was this

1:21:01

at? Where did you kiss

1:21:03

this dude? this dude? on his

1:21:05

body did you kiss did you kiss

1:21:07

him? dirty butt friend Hold on,

1:21:09

wait, let's check in with

1:21:12

Hold over here. He was

1:21:14

on his dirty in with Gay Red Band

1:21:16

over here. He was on but he

1:21:18

shall dirty asshole. I claimed it for

1:21:20

then I threw him

1:21:22

in a tank filled

1:21:24

with snakes. threw him in a

1:21:26

tank filled with snakes. What is

1:21:28

your kink? I like like butt

1:21:31

fucking fat girls. girls. That's believe

1:21:33

everything except for the

1:21:35

last word. for the

1:21:37

last word. Real winning with the

1:21:40

factory fuck holes. We're getting a little bit

1:21:42

closer here. We've made it to holes,

1:21:44

ladies and gentlemen. We are getting

1:21:46

warmer on the... I'm gonna even let Red gonna

1:21:48

even let Red Band do a

1:21:50

second fart episode. episode, you go. you go.

1:21:52

earned it, earned it, buddy, you've earned

1:21:54

it. I like fucking really girls in the

1:21:56

ass, preferably with really short hair,

1:21:59

if possible. possible. Yeah, and while

1:22:01

they they growl.

1:22:03

not? Okay, all right, I read

1:22:05

that. I love not?

1:22:08

Let's find out more gay

1:22:10

Okay, all right,

1:22:12

all right. What's your it.

1:22:15

kind of music?

1:22:17

What find out more gay things about you. What's

1:22:19

your favorite kind of music? What kind of music

1:22:21

do you like to listen to? to? I

1:22:23

think is the greatest is

1:22:25

time. I thought he was gonna

1:22:27

say Madonna. I thought he was going to

1:22:30

did not see swear coming there. not

1:22:32

see thought it was coming sure.

1:22:34

His favorite song is Adana for sure. His

1:22:36

favorite song is Enter Sand Man. Yes. Yes, a perfect

1:22:38

Metallica reference, totally making up

1:22:41

for that Labor Day joke for

1:22:43

a few minutes ago. joke from just a

1:22:45

few four kids. just can't Real

1:22:47

five. Oh, five. Five four four moms. Do you

1:22:49

Do you stay in communication with them?

1:22:51

Oh with You're a good dad. I am.

1:22:53

a good dad. am Wow, what are you

1:22:55

doing for them for Christmas? them for Christmas?

1:22:57

I You just send money. send

1:23:00

that. Well that my older they're older

1:23:02

money. money baby is is

1:23:04

eight in a I'll go to Walmart

1:23:06

with a a little card, you know. You know,

1:23:08

so I hope I love it. Hell yeah. that's

1:23:10

a New Mexico delight delight to

1:23:12

Walmart with a gift. Oh for

1:23:14

sure. for sure. Oh, oh yes White wonderful.

1:23:17

wonderful. absolutely.

1:23:19

Absolutely. right, Toddy. Well, I

1:23:21

got to tell you, it's a hell of

1:23:23

a it's debut. of a Your minute was. Your

1:23:26

What was was... It was it? It

1:23:29

was just... It was fabulous. It was... It was

1:23:31

was a time. It was a old

1:23:33

time. It said, a gay old time. hard

1:23:35

out there to be a

1:23:37

gay man with a dry

1:23:40

mouth. gay man with a dry mouth. likes

1:23:42

getting their dicks sucked by

1:23:44

a sandpaper vacuum. dick

1:23:47

sucked by a sandpaper

1:23:50

Wow, you have a sound effect for that?

1:23:53

That's incredible. effect for that.

1:23:55

Fred Pant's been waiting 13

1:23:57

and a half years to

1:23:59

do his... dry mouth gay blowjaw

1:24:01

sound. Oh, ambulance for my

1:24:03

dick! All right, so the

1:24:06

set was terrible, barely understandable

1:24:08

with the dry mouth. I

1:24:10

mean it really was, and

1:24:12

you need to get that

1:24:14

mic a little bit closer

1:24:16

to your mouth when you're

1:24:19

trying to, I know that'll

1:24:21

be easy for you. But

1:24:23

I'll tell you what, the

1:24:25

interview was so good that

1:24:27

instead of a little joke

1:24:30

book, we're going to go

1:24:32

with a medium joke book.

1:24:34

And there he goes. Toddy

1:24:36

Tyndall, everybody making his kill

1:24:38

Tony debut. Congratulations, Toddy! Oh,

1:24:41

Jesus. Oh my God, I

1:24:43

almost flipped and fell at

1:24:45

the ad. I can't believe

1:24:47

it. I almost flipped and

1:24:49

fell right on... Fuck yeah.

1:24:52

Nothing better than Heidi to

1:24:54

ungay the room after that.

1:24:56

We're all thinking about dry

1:24:58

blow jobs and shit, so

1:25:00

you're not going to believe

1:25:02

this This is the bucket

1:25:05

has such an unbelievable sense

1:25:07

of humor. That was Toddy

1:25:09

Tyndall's first name First time

1:25:11

on the show and his

1:25:13

name again is Toddy Tyndall

1:25:16

This next comedian's name is

1:25:18

Tommy tickles again that was

1:25:20

Toddy Tyndall And this, Jesus,

1:25:22

I thought I was the

1:25:24

only one with that name.

1:25:27

Son of a batch people

1:25:29

are going to get up

1:25:31

continues. I am, I am

1:25:33

17 kids. I can't possibly

1:25:35

be gay. You all have

1:25:38

an asshole. I butt-fucked my

1:25:40

way into a bunch of

1:25:42

kids. And I sent them

1:25:44

all Walmart gift cards. So,

1:25:50

ladies and gentlemen,

1:25:52

I'm introducing, after

1:25:54

Tottie Tyndall, this

1:25:56

is Tommy Tickles,

1:25:58

everybody. I'm

1:26:01

4% Nigerian. That means

1:26:03

I can save the

1:26:05

inward every 50 days

1:26:07

or so. I'm four

1:26:09

percent Nigerian of my

1:26:11

own laundry. means I can

1:26:13

say the -word every 50 days or so. of

1:26:16

the cleaning. I do most

1:26:18

of the do most of my own laundry,

1:26:20

I do all the cooking, I do most of the

1:26:22

cleaning, and I pay most of the bills. I'm

1:26:26

still The only reason I'm still

1:26:28

married is because of the the sex. the

1:26:30

wonderful sex I'm having with her

1:26:32

sister. I'm I

1:26:34

don't want to

1:26:36

screw that up.

1:26:38

her sister. I got

1:26:40

a want to screw that

1:26:43

up. I've got

1:26:45

even real... She's not

1:26:48

even that hot.

1:26:50

I've got a real creepy

1:26:53

uncle creepy uncle.

1:26:56

My mom that he wouldn't rub

1:26:58

off on me. rub

1:27:01

off on me. But did

1:27:03

it anyway. it anyway. I

1:27:05

don't like to text

1:27:07

I don't like to text and it

1:27:09

don't like to text and drive.

1:27:12

to makes it way too difficult

1:27:15

to watch porn and masturbate.

1:27:17

You will never catch me

1:27:19

drinking and will

1:27:21

never catch me drinking

1:27:23

and driving that fucking fast. There

1:27:25

is. You cannot make

1:27:27

it up up. Tommy tickles following Toddy

1:27:29

Tyndall. Both of them look

1:27:32

ridiculously straight And then they

1:27:34

they begin to talk And

1:27:36

in a stunning a stunning

1:27:38

turn of events again, the odds

1:27:40

odds of this happening

1:27:42

in the the history of

1:27:44

the show that a

1:27:46

Toddy Tyndall would look like

1:27:48

a real man I'm the

1:27:50

oil field. oil field. And then

1:27:53

then comes guy comes out Red Band and Red because

1:27:55

we both we the thought the same thing. As

1:27:57

soon as he walks out, we go,

1:27:59

oh, straightest guy. yeah. And then all of

1:28:01

a sudden you're like, I have

1:28:03

sex with my sister. Sex with

1:28:06

my wife's sister. Okay, let's get

1:28:08

into it. Tommy, welcome to the

1:28:10

show. You're not responsible for what

1:28:12

happened before you, but you are

1:28:15

kind of, all right. Here we

1:28:17

go. Tommy, how long you been

1:28:19

doing stand up? It's my first

1:28:21

time. Wow, look at that. I

1:28:24

love it. I love to hear

1:28:26

it. Let the games begin. This

1:28:28

interview shall be golden. There's nothing

1:28:31

that can stop my momentum at

1:28:33

this point with you. I could

1:28:35

tell you got a lot of

1:28:37

stories. I could tell there's a

1:28:40

lot of things in the cup

1:28:42

holder of your truck right now.

1:28:44

We're gonna get into it. There's

1:28:47

a lot going on. What is

1:28:49

in the cup holder of your

1:28:51

truck before I even get started

1:28:53

with the wrist? I heard some

1:28:56

of the questions you asked the

1:28:58

other guy. The gayest thing I've

1:29:00

ever done. I won a skipping

1:29:02

contest. Really? Yeah, like in the

1:29:05

fifth grade I was awesome. I

1:29:07

was fast. That is amazing. That

1:29:09

is amazing. I now know you

1:29:12

are straight as fuck. Because that

1:29:14

is a true answer of a

1:29:16

true straight man. I as well

1:29:18

want a skipping contest. Maybe later

1:29:21

on. I did it on my

1:29:23

way here tonight actually. I won.

1:29:25

Who's the gayest? Okay, very good.

1:29:28

All right, turns out he is

1:29:30

gay after all. Toddy Tyndall, then

1:29:32

Tommy Tickle's. That's your real name?

1:29:34

No, huh? Oh, you made that

1:29:37

up. Well, I had to change

1:29:39

it from Mexico's, to Tickle's. Mectacles.

1:29:41

No, that's not you either. My

1:29:44

real name's Sean. Oh, okay. Well,

1:29:46

that's crazy. You're kind of crazy.

1:29:48

Why would you change your name?

1:29:50

You have warrants? No, you know,

1:29:53

just don't want people to know

1:29:55

me, as Tommy Tickle. Never been

1:29:57

caught. I have never been caught.

1:30:00

Never. You pled not

1:30:02

pled not guilty

1:30:04

contest. contest. Okay,

1:30:06

so how old are you, so

1:30:08

how old are you,

1:30:10

Tommy? going on here tonight? Some of these

1:30:12

is going on here

1:30:15

tonight? lasers wherever drones are

1:30:17

shooting gay lasers is

1:30:19

the mic stand is

1:30:21

right now. 50. I just And

1:30:23

I'm I I just

1:30:25

turned 50. You just just

1:30:27

turned 50. Wait, the the crowd

1:30:30

is absolutely shocked. at

1:30:32

the same exact age

1:30:34

as as Brian Redband. Incredible. What has What

1:30:36

has happened in your life to where

1:30:38

you look like you fought in

1:30:40

every war that that America's had? I've seen a

1:30:42

lot of shit, yeah. Yeah, what have you

1:30:44

seen Oh, of I've been Yeah, what have

1:30:46

you seen? all over the know, I've

1:30:49

been everywhere. I've been all over the world. Yeah, You world.

1:30:51

know, you see it all. 6th Yeah, been on, shit, some

1:30:53

Some lady tried to sell me a scooter for

1:30:55

like 50 bucks. 50 bucks. That sounds like a pretty good

1:30:57

deal, honestly. good deal, That's what I said. I couldn't

1:30:59

figure out how to put the gas in I But

1:31:01

I've got a scooter now. So you bought

1:31:04

it? the Yeah. I've got a scooter

1:31:06

now. So you bought it? Yeah! Yeah,

1:31:08

found the country. Yeah, where? Outside of two

1:31:10

and a half hours from here. two

1:31:12

and a half hours the middle of nowhere. Okay.

1:31:15

right, that's where you were born and

1:31:17

raised. nowhere. All right, I was raised there, were

1:31:19

born and raised. dad was in the Navy,

1:31:21

I was born on dad Christi the Navy. base

1:31:23

and then then all that you know all

1:31:25

that, know, out on up

1:31:27

out on the ranch out in Fredericksburg. Okay

1:31:30

and then you were a and then you were

1:31:32

a farmer for many years. Is that

1:31:34

what you're saying? That's what I'm doing

1:31:36

right now now my farmer and and construction management.

1:31:38

Okay yeah and what And

1:31:40

what exactly does that job

1:31:42

entail exactly? It's like 20 fucking hours

1:31:44

a day, milking goats and sheep

1:31:46

fucking cows getting in the the

1:31:48

pasture. pasture and Then you do all

1:31:50

that during the the night time you

1:31:53

know, know, plowing fields and planting oats then

1:31:55

in the day time I go build fence

1:31:57

and fucking barns and and shit.

1:31:59

Honest question. Yeah, that that was honest answer. I'm

1:32:01

looking for it, Tommy. Are you it, Tommy. it? for

1:32:03

it? What go. What is the most

1:32:05

sexual thing you've ever done with

1:32:07

any of those farm animals? animals? Ah! You ever

1:32:10

just say, some kind of kind of No,

1:32:12

I'm just curious. Maybe you patted a

1:32:14

cow on the butt or something, on

1:32:16

like, good game or something like that. game

1:32:18

or something like that. Everybody knows that goats wiggle

1:32:20

around more and have bigger tits. tits. They

1:32:25

have the second closest vagina

1:32:27

to a human vagina to a huge I

1:32:30

can I a C I can do goat or

1:32:32

sheep or cow. I can perform

1:32:34

a C-section not very sexual, or but you know,

1:32:36

I cow my hand all the way up

1:32:38

in there. And you've

1:32:40

done that before? know, I can got

1:32:42

to, you know, and the way

1:32:44

got big old hands. That and

1:32:46

have big old hands? that before

1:32:48

I had yeah, you and sheep. know,

1:32:50

why they call you got big old hands,

1:32:52

and you have Okay,

1:32:57

so Tommy, let's talk about your love so a little let's

1:32:59

talk about your love life a

1:33:01

little bit. What have you, have you,

1:33:03

have kids? you been married? been have

1:33:05

you been doing out there? I've

1:33:07

been married for 13 years. That's right, right.

1:33:09

Yep. Um, what is, what what does she do

1:33:11

for a living? What's his name? his

1:33:13

name? Okay, red relax. She

1:33:15

cleans cleans bed and breakfast is, no, she's housekeeper,

1:33:17

and then also she, uh, they care of

1:33:19

the ranch. I mean, it's

1:33:21

a full a job. job.

1:33:24

We have 12 bottle babies right

1:33:26

now, right now, a little tiny goats has sheep, them

1:33:28

three times a day, so. feed them

1:33:30

here. It's Is it profitable? a day, so

1:33:32

No. busy. it profitable? No. No. No, you gotta you

1:33:34

gotta love it. know, know, I

1:33:36

love it. You love it. it. I'd

1:33:38

rather make some money, make You

1:33:40

wake up wake up, you wake wakes you

1:33:42

up? what or something like that? chickens

1:33:44

geese, and then we got like that?

1:33:47

hens that live above our house,

1:33:49

so it's like a fucking about got

1:33:51

people? 15 guinea hens that live

1:33:53

about. What did they guinea

1:33:55

what? Hey, wake up down

1:33:58

there! Hey! Oh! The fuck!

1:34:01

No, it's hard to fall asleep

1:34:03

in, it's not It's not hard

1:34:05

to wake up. Okay.

1:34:08

All right. What are

1:34:10

you into when you log on

1:34:12

to the internet and you go

1:34:14

to a porn website and your

1:34:16

wife is out there bottle goats

1:34:18

and you have a couple minutes

1:34:20

to yourself. What do you search

1:34:22

for? Three Psalms. with

1:34:24

With use, gorgeous. You know, what

1:34:27

was that last one? gorgeous,

1:34:29

what was the one? Free Free

1:34:31

use? Yeah, you know, you're

1:34:33

just wandering around and there's some

1:34:35

chick there and she's like,

1:34:38

you can do whatever you want.

1:34:42

Ever heard of Yes. Sometimes I'm

1:34:44

hosting this show, and I have

1:34:46

no idea what's going on. And I

1:34:48

sometimes wonder, maybe I'm the only

1:34:51

one that doesn't know what the fuck

1:34:53

anything means or makes sense, and

1:34:55

it gets scary. In everybody else's podcast,

1:34:57

you're in a room, you can't

1:34:59

fuck up the audio, everybody can hear

1:35:01

what they're saying, you got headphones

1:35:03

on. This show is so crazy. What

1:35:06

the fuck are you talking about. Hey,

1:35:08

it's your question, you know, you

1:35:10

wanted to ask it. Son

1:35:16

of a bitch. I just

1:35:18

got bodied. Is that free

1:35:20

use? Redband's up free use

1:35:22

porn and my ex -girlfriend

1:35:24

even he's like I got

1:35:26

get this shit off my

1:35:28

screen with that with that

1:35:30

Thank God for ExpressVPN. My

1:35:35

goodness, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. So what

1:35:38

kind of car did you drive

1:35:40

here today? What kind of pickup

1:35:42

truck? Chevy So what is, for

1:35:44

some reason, my first thing that

1:35:46

I said when I. began this

1:35:48

interview. I picture their being

1:35:51

stuff, right? There's stuff underneath your

1:35:53