0:04

Hello and welcome to the Let's

0:06

Talk Attachments podcast. My name is

0:08

Jessica De Silva and I

0:10

am a licensed marriage and family

0:12

therapist and an attachment coach

0:14

helping adults and their unhealthy dating

0:17

patterns and create stronger, secure

0:19

relationships. Attachment Theory gives

0:21

us insight into how we

0:23

currently experience love through understanding

0:25

our earlier attachment dynamics. I

0:27

created this podcast as a

0:30

safe space to share stories

0:32

and insights on different aspects

0:34

of attachment so that you can better

0:36

understand how this manifests in your

0:38

own life. My only request is

0:40

that you listen with an open

0:42

heart and an open mind. So

0:45

without further ado, let's get into

0:47

it. and

0:57

welcome to today's

0:59

podcast episode on commitment

1:01

versus compatibility, a

1:03

topic that hits incredibly close

1:06

to home for me. So, you

1:09

know, towards the end of

1:11

my nearly seven year relationship,

1:13

I was forcefully confronted with this

1:15

reality in a way I could

1:17

no longer ignore. And when I

1:20

say forcefully, I mean, my body

1:22

literally started shutting down. I had

1:24

debilitating back pain that left me

1:26

stuck in bed for weeks at

1:28

a time, gained tons of weight

1:30

from all the steroid treatments that

1:33

I was doing for the pain.

1:35

I fell into a deep depression,

1:37

feeling so incredibly stuck in my

1:39

life. And during this time,

1:41

I was engaged. I

1:44

was engaged to my ex, we

1:46

were living in Colorado and wrapping

1:48

up the final touches on the

1:50

home that we were building together,

1:52

a home that I once thought

1:54

symbolized our happy future, yet

1:56

now felt like a place where

1:59

I was losing myself.

2:01

And for years, I had

2:03

clung to the belief that once

2:06

we finished this project, everything

2:08

would feel right again. I

2:10

thought that if I had just

2:12

followed through with our plans, committing through

2:14

those plans, I'd finally feel a

2:16

sense of connection. in

2:18

the relationship. But when that

2:20

moment finally arrived, we

2:22

were at the last task,

2:25

that last task of

2:27

just painting the floor and

2:29

really setting that foundation

2:31

for our house, I

2:33

realized that nothing changed. nothing changed.

2:35

And that's when I had

2:37

to ask myself the question I

2:39

had been avoiding. You

2:41

know, is this actually the

2:43

right relationship for me? And

2:46

am I the right person for him?

2:48

And I wasn't necessarily It's

2:50

not that this question never

2:52

came up for me, it did,

2:54

but I really just chose

2:56

to stay committed rather than kind

2:58

of question the compatibility. So

3:01

I gave more focus and more

3:03

attention to the commitment versus

3:05

to really questioning our compatibility. And

3:08

commitment isn't enough without

3:10

compatibility. The conclusion was

3:12

that commitment isn't enough

3:14

without compatibility. So for

3:17

so long, you know,

3:19

I questioned my commitment. whether

3:21

I was trying hard enough, if

3:23

I was giving enough, if I

3:25

was being a good enough partner,

3:27

and this is the stuff that

3:29

I preach about. This is the

3:31

stuff that I preach about in

3:33

my work. So what kind of

3:35

therapist or coach would I be

3:38

if I didn't give it my

3:40

all, if I didn't quite literally

3:42

break my back to make this

3:44

relationship work? And boy was that

3:46

a lesson in itself. And honestly, I

3:49

could say the same for

3:51

him. In his defense, he

3:53

tried in his own ways

3:55

and to the capacity that

3:57

he could to meet my

3:59

needs. And that's the reality

4:01

is that we can only

4:03

do what we're able to

4:05

do. And eventually I stopped

4:07

asking, am I committed? And

4:09

started asking, are we actually

4:11

compatible? Because love

4:13

alone wasn't enough. History

4:16

and deep care weren't

4:18

enough. I realized that

4:20

true sustainable relationships require

4:22

shared values, emotional alignment,

4:24

mutual effort and attunement.

4:26

And when I took

4:29

a hard look at

4:31

our relationship, I really

4:33

saw this misalignment. On the surface,

4:35

you know, we had so much in common. A

4:38

love for travel, adventure, we

4:40

really... craved and

4:43

valued freedom. Some

4:45

of my best memories with him

4:47

were on the road, you know,

4:49

in his camper experiencing new places

4:51

together. And that sense of excitement

4:53

really bonding us, you know, it

4:55

made us dream really big and

4:57

plan a future where we'd build,

4:59

you know, our own expedition vehicle

5:01

and travel around the world. But

5:03

underneath that shared vision, our

5:06

emotional needs were worlds

5:08

apart. And one of the

5:10

biggest lessons I learned

5:12

is that just because someone

5:14

supports the emotional work

5:16

you do doesn't mean they

5:18

value or practice it

5:20

themselves. My ex was always

5:22

so encouraging of my

5:24

therapy and my coaching work,

5:26

but he never engaged

5:28

in that work himself. He

5:31

was incredibly self -aware on

5:33

an intellectual level, but when

5:35

it came to emotional vulnerability

5:37

and emotional growth, it was

5:39

a different story. It just

5:41

wasn't important to him. So

5:43

for a long time, you

5:46

know, I respected his emotional

5:48

boundaries. But what I failed

5:50

to acknowledge was how much

5:52

I actually needed emotional depth

5:54

in a relationship. You know,

5:56

I craved attunement and deeper

5:58

connection and a desire to

6:00

grow. on an emotional

6:02

and relational level and I wasn't

6:04

getting it. And where he felt

6:07

as though he was carrying a

6:09

lot of the physical weight of

6:11

the relationship, working on the house

6:13

and making sure we had a

6:15

heater and we had walls and

6:17

we had insulation and our shelter

6:19

needs were met. I

6:22

was carrying the emotional weight

6:24

and making sure our emotional

6:26

needs were being met. And

6:28

soon I felt like I was almost

6:30

doing both in a sense, right? When things

6:32

got rocky, well, let me pick up

6:34

the slack here. You're unhappy with work. Well,

6:36

let me take care of these bills. You

6:39

know, we're having issues with

6:41

these things. Well, let me

6:43

do more and let me

6:45

do more and more and

6:47

more, you know, overly emphasizing.

6:49

my commitment to the relationship

6:51

and overriding my own emotional

6:53

well -being and happiness. And

6:55

that's my fault, right? That

6:57

is completely and entirely my

6:59

fault and tapping into my

7:01

own codependency issues where I

7:03

wasn't setting boundaries and wasn't

7:05

creating realistic expectations for the

7:07

relationship. Okay, so we got

7:09

to take accountability for our

7:11

own doing in the relationship. I

7:14

also started to realize that, you

7:16

know, while we both valued freedom

7:18

and we, you know, value travel

7:20

and adventure, our motivations

7:22

behind those desires were

7:24

very different. For him,

7:26

it was about hyper

7:28

independence, right? Not

7:30

being tied to one place,

7:33

having that total autonomy

7:35

and escaping, you know, the

7:37

structure of a normal

7:39

life. For me, it was

7:42

about deepening our connection,

7:44

creating a shared experience, feeling

7:46

bonded with each other,

7:48

creating more closeness in our

7:51

relationship. So clearly, you

7:53

guys, I really, really do

7:55

value relational closeness and

7:57

bonding through being together

7:59

and getting to know each other

8:01

and connecting on more of

8:03

an emotional level. So just two

8:06

different motivations for our goals

8:08

and for the values that we

8:10

both shared. And at

8:12

first, I convinced myself that

8:14

If we just got back to

8:16

traveling, I'd finally feel the closeness

8:18

that I was longing for. But

8:20

eventually I had to face the

8:22

truth that I would never receive

8:24

the connection that I craved from

8:27

him because he hadn't built that

8:29

connection with himself, right?

8:31

We can only meet people

8:33

as deeply as we've met

8:35

ourselves and we can't force

8:37

that process onto anyone. It

8:39

is time, you guys. It

8:42

is time to actually put this

8:44

information into practice, no more

8:46

just talking about your attachment problems,

8:48

but actually doing something about

8:50

them. So if you are ready

8:52

to learn practical evidence -based strategies

8:55

to change your insecure ways

8:57

of thinking, feeling and behaving, I

8:59

am now taking on one -on

9:01

-one attachment coaching clients where we

9:03

will work closely to address

9:06

your self -sabotaging patterns, create your

9:08

secure self blueprint and teach you

9:10

the methods to navigate your

9:12

dating or relationship challenges in healthier

9:14

ways that create authentic and

9:16

fulfilling connections. To learn more, you

9:19

can book a free clarity

9:21

call with me via the link

9:23

in my show notes or

9:25

by visiting Jessica to Silva coaching

9:27

.com. And the hard

9:29

part is, you know, I could

9:32

have stayed in that relationship. I

9:34

could have waited for this change

9:36

to possibly happen. And

9:38

despite our differences, you know, I

9:40

could have kept going because in many

9:42

ways it was really comfortable. You

9:44

know, he was a good person. He

9:46

was kind. He was well -intentioned. He was

9:48

caring. You know,

9:50

we had love and support for

9:53

each other. We had built a

9:55

life together, but deep down, I

9:57

knew that staying meant sacrificing the

9:59

emotional depth and connection that I

10:01

truly needed. Also the emotional support

10:03

that I needed because I felt

10:06

like I was carrying all of

10:08

that relationship weight and all of

10:10

that relationship responsibility. And that just

10:12

wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. And

10:14

for a long time, you know,

10:16

I wasn't ready to accept. It

10:19

wasn't ready to accept that I

10:21

was kind of carrying all of

10:23

that. just

10:26

wanting to believe that things could get

10:28

better and that he could change. So

10:31

this is why getting

10:33

clear on values beyond just

10:36

commitment is important. This

10:38

experience taught me how

10:40

crucial it is to define

10:42

what our values actually

10:44

mean to us. So

10:46

if you say you value marriage,

10:48

what does that look like

10:50

for you? If you say you

10:53

value growth, what does that

10:55

mean in practice? If you

10:57

say you value adventure or

10:59

connection or financial stability, even how

11:01

do those things align in

11:03

your daily life? Because two people

11:06

can claim to share the

11:08

same values, but if their interpretations

11:10

of those values are completely

11:12

different, the relationship will eventually feel

11:14

misaligned and unsustainable, right? You're

11:17

going to have a lot of

11:19

clashing. a lot of

11:21

conflict. So commitment

11:23

alone doesn't make

11:25

a relationship work. Love

11:28

alone isn't enough. If

11:31

you find yourself questioning the

11:33

relationship, I really encourage you

11:35

to shift the focus from

11:37

commitment to compatibility and really

11:39

ask yourself, do we

11:41

truly align? in what matters

11:43

most? Do I feel

11:45

deeply seen and heard and

11:48

supported, right? Do I

11:50

feel supported in this relationship? Am

11:52

I here out of

11:54

mutual reciprocity or out of

11:56

obligation and a fear

11:58

of change? Because at

12:00

the end of the day, a

12:03

relationship should feel like a place

12:05

where you can grow, not a

12:07

place where you feel stuck. And

12:09

for many of us with insecure

12:11

attachment, whether you have anxious dismissive

12:13

avoidant or fearful avoidant or any

12:16

variation of those, it can be

12:18

difficult to distinguish whether our feelings

12:20

are coming from our own insecurities

12:22

or if they're rooted in valid

12:24

concerns about the relationship. But here's

12:26

the truth. Your feelings

12:28

are always valid. They're always

12:31

telling you whether your needs

12:33

are being met or not.

12:35

And from a scientific perspective,

12:37

if our needs aren't being met,

12:39

we aren't happy people, right?

12:42

The state of our well -being

12:44

is directly tied to whether

12:46

our emotional needs are being fulfilled

12:48

and our physical needs, of

12:50

course. So the more you

12:52

tune into your feelings and your

12:54

needs, the better you can assess

12:57

how your relationship is affecting your

12:59

overall happiness and sense of security.

13:01

So I'm going to say that

13:03

one more time. The more you

13:05

tune in to your feelings and

13:07

needs, the better you can assess

13:09

how your relationship is affecting your

13:11

overall happiness and sense of security.

13:13

And don't wait to learn the

13:15

way I did, right? Please don't

13:18

wait to learn the way I

13:20

did. But that might be your

13:22

own journey, right? You might have

13:24

to go through that path and

13:26

through that experience to learn in

13:28

your own way. I know that's

13:30

definitely. my own process.

13:32

People can tell me all sorts of things

13:34

and I just kind of have to experience

13:36

it on my own to really gain the

13:38

wisdom myself. But just know

13:40

that, you know, circumstances

13:43

are never an excuse for

13:45

a lack of connection. And,

13:47

you know, if someone isn't

13:49

emotionally or mentally where you

13:51

need them to be, Take

13:53

that at face value. Don't

13:55

hold onto the hope of

13:57

a future when, right? When

13:59

they change, when things improve,

14:02

when circumstances get better. Just know

14:04

that your time is precious And

14:07

though it may take, you

14:09

know, it take time for you

14:11

to find someone who is

14:13

more comparably aligned with your needs,

14:15

it's ultimately worth the wait.

14:18

Okay. So that's all I got

14:20

for you today. If this

14:22

was insightful, please leave a rating

14:24

or review. I can't express

14:26

enough how helpful your encouragement is.