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2:00

Barb Knows Best, the podcast. In

2:03

the holiday season, we don't give ourself permission to do

2:05

the things that we know that will be in our

2:07

best interest because the expectations

2:09

are so high right now. The demands that we

2:11

put on ourselves are so high. Hello,

2:15

everyone. Hi,

2:28

friends. Welcome back

2:30

to Barb Knows Best, the podcast. It

2:33

is me, Michelle, your co-host, and I

2:35

am sitting here yet again with my

2:37

mother Barb. And we're so super excited

2:39

to be chatting with you all again

2:41

this week about life's most interesting and

2:44

meaningful topics. Hello, Mom. Hello,

2:48

Michelle. How are you doing?

2:50

I'm doing great, but this topic

2:52

today is very triggering. Ah,

2:54

we love to hear it right off the bat. I know

2:57

because I think we need to get right off the bat.

2:59

This is one that so many

3:01

people are talking to me about in

3:04

the past few weeks. And it's interesting

3:06

how this comes up even

3:08

before the season hits.

3:11

Well, we're in the season. We're

3:13

in the season now, but people have been talking about

3:15

this for several weeks. What do we do? What

3:18

do we do? What do we do?

3:20

I'm very excited to dive into such

3:22

a challenging topic. Well, I think I've

3:24

had a lot of practice. I was

3:27

going to say, if anyone knows how

3:29

to maneuver through this, it's probably you.

3:32

And there's definitely no perfection in it, but

3:35

it's very interesting how every year

3:37

around this same time we

3:39

all get the feeling of how

3:42

to deal with difficult, you know, family dynamics

3:44

around the holiday time. So there I just

3:46

spilled the... She spilled the beans, the caps

3:49

out of the bag. It is. We

3:51

are in the season, Tis the season.

3:56

You know, we're in full-fledged of holidays.

34:00

that you don't have to take that personally. And if

34:02

you want to refresh your course, I

34:04

love Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, which

34:07

one of them is Not Taking Things Personally. I'll link

34:09

it in our show notes if you haven't read it

34:11

yet, but it's one of my

34:13

all-time favorite books. And it's such

34:16

an easy read and it's such a good reminder.

34:18

And I remember the first time I read it,

34:20

I felt so fortified from the inside out to

34:22

kind of manage life. And

34:24

so if you're feeling like you're

34:26

one to easily take

34:28

everything personally, which I am, I

34:30

personalize everything. It is truly like

34:32

the thing I have to work

34:34

the hardest on. Definitely

34:37

give yourself a refresher and just remember

34:39

that what people are saying and doing

34:41

is not a reflection of you, but

34:43

a reflection of themselves. Well, and there's

34:46

a study that was done that 90%

34:49

of our decisions in life are based on our

34:51

emotions. So if you think about that, 90%

34:53

of what people are saying back to you or what they're

34:56

even saying to you as you enter the door or as

34:58

you sit down to the dining table is

35:01

based on their emotions. So we never know

35:03

what other people are feeling in any given

35:05

moment. And I believe that when

35:07

you really understand this, when you get that,

35:09

that people are coping with their own insecurities,

35:12

their fears, their unresolved issues, their

35:14

projection of negativity onto you, any of the

35:16

things that people might be feeling, the anger

35:18

or the resentment or whatever it is that's

35:21

happening, you didn't call them enough or the

35:24

pent up feelings that they've had

35:26

because they haven't had a relationship with you for

35:28

the past six months, whatever it is, that tends

35:30

to be what my situation was in my family

35:32

that we were not really in contact

35:34

for a whole year and then we come together at

35:37

a holiday time. And so it was always really difficult

35:39

because there was so many emotions and so many things

35:41

happening. And I believe you

35:43

really quickly learn that

35:47

you can't take what other people say to

35:49

heart and that these are their

35:51

issues or these are their feelings or these are their

35:53

emotions. And I think don't give

35:55

them permission to make them yours. So my

35:57

magic thing that I've learned over

35:59

the years. You

48:00

have the power to not allow your mind to

48:02

do that, regardless of what the other people are

48:04

doing. Set that intention. Wait, my intention

48:06

is I want to have some peace, I want to have

48:08

some joy. I really want to

48:11

be present. And

48:13

so if people are being who they are,

48:16

remember when people show you who they are, believe

48:18

them as the great Maya Angelou said, don't expect

48:20

that you're gonna change it in this one moment.

48:22

Yeah, for sure. Really just be who you are

48:24

and let it go. Absolutely.

48:26

You know what? If I could share

48:28

one thing. Yeah, you're not gonna change

48:30

it. Yeah, not holding

48:33

on with such a tight grip to

48:35

your what you think

48:37

should happen. And why are they doing it?

48:39

Easy breezy like you said. Brene

48:41

Brown said this, and I never forgot it, and I

48:44

love it so much, and I think about this, not

48:47

only during the holiday times, but in difficult

48:49

situations when I'm in a confrontational space. She

48:52

said, when someone spews something really

48:54

hurtful, don't pick it

48:56

up and hold it and rub

48:58

it into your heart and snuggle with

49:00

it and carry it around with you

49:02

for a long time. Don't even

49:04

put energy into kicking it to the

49:06

curb. You gotta

49:08

see it, step over it,

49:11

or go around it and keep on going.

49:15

And this is, for

49:17

me, this is the epitome of

49:19

not allowing your mind to go down that

49:21

rabbit hole. See it, step

49:24

over it, go around it, and keep on

49:26

going. Ask them how

49:28

they're feeling today. How's their job going today? Just

49:31

do not allow their energy

49:33

and their spewing of something

49:36

really hurtful or antagonizing

49:38

or divisive. Any

49:42

of those things, don't pick it up. Don't

49:45

allow it, just keep on going. Yeah, don't

49:47

let their energy change yours. Yeah, change

49:50

the subject. Go out of the room and go for a

49:52

little walk. Yeah, and I know

49:54

we talked about this last week, but there

49:57

is such a huge importance to

49:59

practicing gratitude. and seeking out

50:01

the tiny joys, especially during these

50:03

holidays and the holiday season, and in,

50:06

you know, family gatherings or work

50:09

gatherings or high stress environments. Because,

50:12

to your point, Mom, where you start to

50:14

focus on your thoughts and what stories you're

50:17

repeating to yourself or reiterating

50:19

narratives about your family, about

50:21

your life, about anything. The

50:24

gratitude piece, practicing gratitude, seeking out

50:26

the tiny joys, looking for

50:28

the silver linings, you know,

50:30

as we talk about so often, that's, you

50:33

know, creating the new neural pathways in

50:35

the brain, creating the fresh, positive grooves

50:37

in the brain. And

50:39

so we're doing ourselves a

50:41

huge service by really intending

50:43

to practice that, especially

50:45

during these times that are so stressful

50:48

and with heightened emotions

50:50

and with a lot of

50:52

expectation. And then that ultimately

50:54

really does impact the energy that you

50:56

bring into the room that we've talked

50:58

about that is so important. I

51:01

noticed in the past, in

51:04

some certain situations in my life, where if

51:06

I showed up kind of in an iffy

51:09

mood, like so

51:11

went the day. Not

51:14

saying that the world revolves around me or anything

51:16

like that, but, you know, the way that the

51:18

dynamic was at the time, if

51:20

I wasn't showing up my best, like it really

51:22

just kind of was the domino

51:25

effect where everyone else got a little bit snarky

51:27

too. And I realized in

51:29

that moment just how important it was for me

51:32

to be responsible for my energy, like I said,

51:34

and show up with,

51:36

you know, a

51:39

helpful headspace and be responsible.

51:42

And so a great way to do

51:44

that is to practice gratitude and seek out the tiny

51:47

joys and just, even

51:49

if it's the smallest thing, you know, look

51:52

for it and make sure that you're present

51:54

to it and mindful of it despite

51:56

everything else that's going on. That's

51:58

so beautiful, Michelle. I think that goes

52:03

for me as we close out this little

52:06

talk today. I love this little talk

52:08

today. This

52:11

idea of setting the intention. Have

52:13

an intention for the day. Have an intention for

52:15

what it is you want to feel. Going

52:18

off of you, Michelle, you're always saying, how do I

52:20

want to feel? Having the intention.

52:22

And when I learned to

52:24

start setting intentions for the day, I

52:27

actually prioritize my own self-care. And

52:30

it sounds selfish, but it's not, because I was

52:32

actually able to show up for everyone there in

52:34

a way that brought a sense

52:37

of presence and peace. But also,

52:40

I was able to deflect anything that was

52:42

going to come my way that I knew

52:44

might come my way. And it

52:46

didn't take away from my happiness or

52:49

my joy or my sense of intention

52:51

of just really being present and enjoying

52:53

the day. So self-care

52:55

is not selfish. So

52:57

when you set that intention, I want to

52:59

have a joyful day. I think what happens for me

53:01

and what I can share with all of you is

53:05

I learned how to set boundaries. I don't talk

53:07

about certain things. I don't talk about politics. I

53:10

don't want to talk about anything

53:12

that's divisive. And if

53:14

that happens, as I said earlier, I change the subject. So

53:17

I have different boundaries. And especially,

53:19

I have set clear boundaries. And

53:21

I prioritize my mental

53:23

wellness, which actually, as you were

53:25

saying, Michelle, we have an effect. And

53:27

we have an influence when we show up with the

53:29

kind of presence that we show up with. And

53:32

knowing that there are certain topics that are off

53:34

limits, and we just kind of move on with

53:36

what Brene Brown says. Move on, go around it,

53:39

and keep on going. And I

53:41

think the other thing in

53:43

the same vein as that is managing expectations.

53:46

Don't expect that the family members are going to show up

53:49

and be this different energy

53:52

or this different person in

53:55

this moment when this is the way that it's been

53:57

your whole life or this is the way that it's

53:59

been. for decades or whatever it is. So

54:02

we're gonna all fall into our familiar patterns.

54:04

So if you can just show up just being

54:06

who you are in a very sense

54:09

of presence and not allowing

54:12

the negativity to affect you knowing that

54:14

it's not personal, it changes

54:16

things. It truly does change things.

54:19

And then of course the idea of, you

54:22

know, not only practicing self-care but doing what you need to

54:24

do in a moment. Sometimes, I mean, certainly

54:26

I'm making this sound like it's just so easy and

54:28

it's not. I mean, there have been

54:30

times where, you know, I've

54:33

done all the things that I'm talking about but I still

54:35

need to go take a break. I

54:37

still feel like, oh my gosh, I just need to

54:39

get some air. I need to get some new

54:42

energy from the outside world. I need to

54:44

get some activity that

54:47

will recharge. And for me,

54:49

activity is maybe going for a little quick walk or

54:52

just really being with myself just for a moment, just

54:54

going upstairs and closing the door or going in a

54:56

bedroom and closing the door. So

54:58

I think I say all of this knowing that you

55:00

have to know all this ahead of time. It just

55:02

doesn't happen on the fly. It

55:05

doesn't happen on the fly. So having

55:07

self-care strategies, really writing it

55:09

down. Yeah, even like write

55:12

a script for yourself for

55:14

the answers to some of those questions that you're kind

55:16

of anxious about

55:18

being asked or like my

55:20

mom was saying, if a

55:23

topic gets brought up that you don't really

55:25

wanna go down that path, like write down

55:27

a sentence or two of what you're going

55:29

to say and read over it before walking

55:31

into the dinner. And it's not to be

55:33

like so contrived or manipulative, but if

55:36

I know what I wanna say beforehand and

55:39

have it in my mind, how often

55:41

do we get asked something or faced

55:44

with something that's triggering or confrontational and we say

55:46

all the things that we wish we didn't say

55:48

and then later have those regrets? And

55:50

I just find that maybe writing it down

55:52

or putting some notes in my phone of

55:56

how I wanna respond to some of those complicated

55:58

topics is really, really helpful to the... But

58:00

it means we can really set that intention of

58:03

taking a deep breath before we speak, let

58:06

a moment go, realizing

58:08

that it truly doesn't

58:11

matter. It truly doesn't matter.

58:13

And of course, we're never talking about when you're in

58:15

situations of danger. mental or

58:17

physical or abuse or

58:19

danger. Yeah, absolutely. I

58:22

love it. So what self-care

58:24

strategies will you all implement this holiday

58:26

season to protect your peace? Let us

58:28

know what stuck

58:30

out for you or what are ones that maybe

58:33

we didn't mention that are key for you during

58:35

these often overwhelming or

58:37

stressful times. And what do

58:40

you do in your life to help find

58:43

small ways to enjoy the holiday season, especially

58:45

if it feels, you

58:47

know, extremely pressured or with

58:50

tons of expectations. We always love to

58:52

hear from you all about

58:55

your experiences as we share ours as

58:57

well. So let us know. Right,

59:00

mom? Yes, I love that. Thank you so much

59:02

for sharing, mom. Yeah, thank you for being here

59:04

and thank you all for for

59:07

being here. We love you very much and know

59:09

that sometimes this can be difficult. And the one

59:11

thing that we really didn't tackle too much was

59:14

if you're feeling lonely. Yeah, and

59:16

I know that was a feeling that I think definitely

59:19

I felt last holiday time after

59:21

having come off of the divorce. And

59:24

one of the practices that I do when I'm feeling lonely for

59:26

sure is I connect with someone that

59:28

I love very dearly, which

59:30

is you, Michelle. And I

59:33

have a few dear, dear, dear friends. So reach

59:35

out to some of the people that you love very much

59:37

and know that it's okay. That feeling

59:39

lonely at this time of year is very

59:42

normal. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with you. No,

59:44

there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Understanding

59:47

that, you know, you are you

59:50

are your best company and reminding yourself that

59:53

yes, you're if you're feeling lonely and cultivating

59:55

a relationship with yourself and then reaching out

59:57

to someone that you can talk to and

59:59

honoring yourself. family

1:02:00

situations and these things can be really really hard and

1:02:03

and I used to have that same attitude you don't

1:02:05

know my family you don't know what it's like to

1:02:07

be me I would just

1:02:09

say maybe open yours your mind

1:02:11

and open your heart up just a tiny tiny

1:02:13

little bit and just try one thing different and

1:02:16

see how it goes mm-hmm you

1:02:18

deserve you deserve to have some

1:02:20

peace and some grace and some love this

1:02:23

holiday season so just try one thing different

1:02:25

love it thanks mom and

1:02:27

thanks everyone again for listening and for being a part of

1:02:29

this community we are so grateful for all of you if

1:02:32

you haven't yet make sure you're liked and subscribed

1:02:35

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1:02:54

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interested and thank you so

1:03:13

much again for joining us wishing you all

1:03:15

a peaceful happy holiday season we are so

1:03:17

grateful for all of you thank you so

1:03:19

much again and we will chat with you

1:03:21

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1:03:23

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