0:00

This episode was recorded

0:02

on Camaraga Land. Hi

0:04

guys and welcome back to

0:06

another episode of Life Uncut.

0:08

I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and

0:10

producer, keep that in what Laura just

0:13

did at the start. Do you know what it sounded

0:15

like? White Lotus. It was White Lotus. Was it? Sorry.

0:17

And then it was the start of it. That's what

0:19

we need on a Monday. Okay, we all need the

0:21

White Lotus. Do you know what Brit used to do

0:24

before we would start episodes? Brit used to slap herself

0:26

in the face to get herself in the mood. Back

0:28

in the day when, you know, you would be tired,

0:30

it was late at night, we would record it all

0:32

hours to try and get this podcast out. It was

0:35

especially when I was still working at the hospital and

0:37

sometimes you'd been like on a 12 hour shift and

0:39

it was 11 p.m.m. at night I would literally slap

0:41

myself in the face. Not hard, I don't want people

0:43

to think I think I think I think I think

0:45

I was like, you know, you know, you know, you

0:47

know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you

0:49

know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you

0:51

know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you

0:53

know, you know, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

0:55

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

0:57

like, Yeah, it was a ritual, pre-record ritual, Brit would

0:59

slap herself, but I would laugh at her and then

1:01

we were in the mood. It was like, I was

1:03

cycling myself up. You'd think that I was like, Beyonce,

1:05

about to go and perform in front of a thousand

1:07

people. I was like, come on, you can do it.

1:09

Or like a football match or something,

1:11

it was like, I was really pumping

1:14

myself up. I'm not like a coach.

1:16

the coach slapped the fighter. Yeah, but

1:18

it probably is like, it is okay

1:20

if your job is about to be

1:22

punched in the face, that's different. It's

1:24

not like they're going in for a

1:27

promotion and their boss slaps him across

1:29

the face. That's just part of the

1:31

warm-up. It's not britt slapping me in

1:33

the face. Come on, Kisha, editbed I

1:35

slap you. Like if you're a fighter,

1:37

that would get you psyched because you

1:39

want them to be angry and you

1:42

want them to be fired up. shortly

1:44

and this episode has been recorded in

1:46

the effort actually it's just been pre-recorded

1:48

because Brit is on her way to

1:50

Italy to go and spend some time

1:52

with Ben. I'm not in my way

1:55

I'm there I'm all I'm augasming as

1:57

we speak well I hope so why

1:59

is that? where you always take it to.

2:01

Because I don't have sex for three months

2:03

at a time and then that's what I'm

2:05

going to be doing. And we're all about

2:07

having an unfilted chat here. If you guys

2:09

think I'm doing anything other than that, you

2:11

could. Well also just keep in mind that

2:13

whilst you're listening to this, Brut is mid-orgasm.

2:16

I'm having a hot... I'm likely not, just

2:18

so no. I also am not. But I

2:20

will say it's... I'm a very family person, I

2:22

can't wait, I'm looking forward to it, but my

2:24

sister Sherry Jay and baby Maya are going to

2:26

come and visit. The family shouldn't be included in

2:29

that bridge, FY. Well, the problem is, Ben's always

2:31

had like a two bedroom apartment with two bathrooms

2:33

and it's quite big and it's been great, but

2:35

he's now moved into a one bedroom apartment because

2:38

he had no time to find it. One bedroom,

2:40

one bathroom, and the spare room is just a

2:42

sofa bed in the lounge, the lounge, the lounge,

2:44

so lounge pulls, so lounge pulls, so this is

2:47

a very small, so this is a very small,

2:49

apartment. So now I'm like, do I just

2:51

shout them in Airbnb? Do I put them

2:53

up somewhere? Surely if they're coming for

2:55

a holiday they can get themselves in

2:57

it. You just, they don't have to

2:59

stay in the apartment if the apartment

3:01

is not adequately sized. Also, they have

3:03

a baby, they probably don't want to

3:05

stay in the apartment if the apartment

3:07

is not adequately sized. Also, they have

3:10

a baby, they probably don't want to

3:12

stay on the tiny pull-out sofa in

3:14

the one bedroom apartment. Come. Would you

3:16

give up the main room for them?

3:18

That'd be ridiculous. Why would I do

3:20

that? I think that I think that

3:22

they're going to do half half. Because

3:24

Sheridan was like, look, we won't stay.

3:26

We know what you guys are going

3:29

to be doing and no one needs

3:31

to hear that. And I was like,

3:33

no, that's ridiculous. Family comes first. No, actually,

3:35

I come first. Then it's family comes second.

3:37

But I was like, why don't we do

3:39

half half? Stay a couple of days with

3:42

us. And then. three days in their B&B.

3:44

So I think that's the happy medium. Well

3:46

this is, I mean in terms of what

3:48

we have coming up for you guys, so

3:50

we still have an episode coming out on

3:53

Wednesday and then we are taking one week

3:55

off for Easter break and we will be

3:57

back to normal programming after that. So I

3:59

mean... is a way having a wonderful

4:01

time. I hopefully, if things work out

4:04

and stars a line, will be able

4:06

to spend my first week down at

4:08

the house we've been renovating down the

4:11

South Coast. Oh, fingers crossed. Yeah, I'm

4:13

really, like, I'm so looking forward to

4:15

it. It all depends on furniture delivery.

4:18

So like fingers crossed, like I'm so

4:20

looking forward to it. It all depends

4:22

on furniture, it all depends on a

4:25

house. Yeah, but you kind of need

4:27

at least a chair. the house is

4:29

barren and we have all the furniture arriving at

4:31

one time so it's still touching go at the

4:34

moment as to whether that's going to happen but

4:36

that is the plan for our little Easter break.

4:38

Do you know what my parents told me all

4:40

the time growing up? These are these stories that

4:42

come from your parents where they're like I walked

4:44

three kilometers in the snow to get to school.

4:46

I will never forget my dad and my mom

4:48

saying that they had a ladder in their house

4:50

for nearly two years and that they had like

4:52

camp furniture. because they were building a

4:55

house and they couldn't afford furniture as

4:57

well and I guess times have changed

4:59

so much because now we can get

5:01

furniture for so cheap it just might

5:04

not be good furniture totally but I

5:06

always picture them and I'm like how

5:08

did you live for two years like

5:10

that like surely you've added so much

5:13

Mayo to it you know that's an

5:15

exaggeration it's like when they're yeah exactly

5:17

like you said and I walked to

5:19

school with no shoes yeah, we'll tell

5:22

them that way clamping. But anyway guys,

5:24

we're here to answer your questions

5:26

for Ask Uncut. Before we do

5:29

that, it is vibes and unsubscribes.

5:31

Brit, what is your vibe for

5:33

the week? My vibe for the

5:36

week is a podcast. It's a

5:38

podcast by BBC. It's hosted by

5:41

two people, one girl named Hannah

5:43

and she's the victim and then

5:45

coincidentally her step mum. The podcast

5:47

is called Storked and it's

5:50

her Hannah telling the story

5:52

herself about her experience with

5:54

exactly that, this stalker, but

5:56

it is so extreme and went

5:58

for so many years. and completely

6:00

infiltrated her life, like this person

6:02

that stalked her and she was

6:04

trying to figure out who it

6:06

was, right? She had this guy

6:08

that became a bit obsessed with

6:10

her, but then stalkers came separately

6:13

and they were presented to her

6:15

as people that were hacking into

6:17

her phone, following her around, writing

6:19

to her like they know everything

6:21

about her and she's trying to

6:23

piece together who it could be

6:25

and it's her trying to figure

6:27

out if... these people that are stalking

6:29

her online are the same people that

6:31

she had issues with in real life,

6:33

but it's different because she's telling the

6:35

story from her experience. Does this have

6:38

sort of like a hybrid between being

6:40

catfish and stalk? Because it sounds like

6:42

it has some similarities to Sweet Bobby.

6:44

Sort of. She knows this, and I

6:46

don't want to give too much away.

6:48

She knows the person very intimately over

6:50

years. They're actually friends, but the cat

6:52

fishing comes from... eventually him not being

6:55

who he said he was and but

6:57

that takes years to discover and the

6:59

length that he goes to to pretend

7:01

his life is one thing when it's

7:03

not is so extreme but it's them

7:05

figuring out over the years and putting

7:07

the pieces together but hearing the story

7:09

from her point of view she's very

7:12

educated she's very well spoken her showing

7:14

how the wool was pulled over her

7:16

eyes and how extreme it was I

7:18

just found it really fascinating and I

7:20

liked that they're true hosts had this

7:22

connection as well. It was a great

7:24

listen. Yeah, so that's BBC podcast. Anywhere

7:26

you get your podcast, but it's called

7:29

Stork. How many episodes is it? It's

7:31

seven episodes. Yeah, yeah. My vibe this

7:33

week, I feel like sometimes my vibes

7:35

can be really like thought provoking and

7:37

then. For a couple of weeks in

7:39

a row I fall into these categories

7:41

where they are just such simple basic

7:43

things that I'm like I don't know

7:46

if this is too low brow. I

7:48

like the pendulum between really really insightful

7:50

to totally basic bitch. I think we're

7:52

all here for it. But I think

7:54

there's no right or wrong. We can

7:56

be basic. We can be what smart?

7:58

Not right out. Insight fuller. The post

8:00

office, the shopping experience at the post

8:03

office, has so many knickknacks that I

8:05

am like, so you got it from

8:07

the post office. When you go to

8:09

the post office, they have so many

8:11

knickknacks that I am like, never ever

8:13

thought I would need that. That's the

8:15

best thing I've ever purchased. The post

8:17

office, the shopping experience at the post

8:20

office, has no rhyme or reason. I

8:22

find it the most confusing thing that's

8:24

ever existed. to a plate that's got

8:26

Peter Rabbit on it. And you're like,

8:28

what is going on here? I love

8:30

it. That could use all of those

8:32

items, but I bought every single one.

8:34

Didn't know I needed them. That's exactly

8:37

what happens to me. It's such a

8:39

lottery. And I get so excited by

8:41

the randomness of it. So I saw

8:43

this one when I was in line

8:45

for the post office, I was returning

8:47

a package. Please describe me what it

8:49

is again. Sorry, is it cooling? What?

8:51

It's a cool gel leg pillow. Kisha

8:54

has a very hot house. It's hot.

8:56

It's shaped. I want you to imagine

8:58

like the size of your head but

9:00

in like a kind of a triangle

9:02

and one side of it. is higher

9:04

than the rest, so it's contoured downwards,

9:06

but it's also contoured so that it

9:08

goes in between your knees if you're

9:11

a side sleeper. So it kind of

9:13

like you sleep on the side and

9:15

it goes in between your knees so

9:17

that your hips are kept in a

9:19

good position and it's really good if

9:21

you get lower back pain. How come

9:23

you do it? Because I just I

9:25

do that every night, but I just

9:28

put a pill in my legs. Did

9:30

you need a cooling triangle, incline contour,

9:32

contour, leg? I have all of the

9:34

above. I have tried so many different

9:36

variations of this. I've tried like a

9:38

body pillow. I've tried. I even looked

9:40

into getting a maternity one at one

9:42

point, but they're really expensive. Yeah, but

9:44

maternity pillows are lit. They are absolutely

9:47

lit. And once you've had one, you

9:49

will never go back to normal sleeping.

9:51

That's how I feel about a knee

9:53

pillow now. So this one, with $35,

9:55

the brand is contour. They've got different

9:57

variations. Some have different variations. Some have

9:59

cooling gel. Mine has the cool gel.

10:01

It goes in between my knees and

10:04

it is fantastic. This to me is

10:06

the type of thing, it's so nicknacky

10:08

that I would buy it, use it

10:10

for a week, and then it would

10:12

sit on my side table, I'd never

10:14

use it again. Yeah, like I'm the

10:16

queen of buying gadgets. that then get

10:18

discarded. And that to me is what

10:21

this is. Even the good gadgets, like

10:23

we both did it, remember when we

10:25

bought the face mask? I was literally

10:27

about to say the Omni Lux, the

10:29

Omni Lux red light mask is actually

10:31

amazing. It works really well. The problem

10:33

is that you have to be consistent

10:35

with it. I go hard for like

10:38

a couple of months, then don't use

10:40

it for six months. I am not

10:42

consistent with anything in my life that

10:44

requires any iota of effort. I just

10:46

bought this thing this thing. massage it,

10:48

it's like for your cellular life. Yeah,

10:50

so you have to, but the problem

10:52

is you've got to do it, each

10:55

body part for five minutes a day.

10:57

And as soon as I read the

10:59

instructions on the back, I was like,

11:01

oh, I'll never do that. And you

11:03

only usually shower your feet. You don't

11:05

even get in the shower. So I

11:07

really only have a five minute shower.

11:09

That would be like spending 25 minutes

11:12

in it. You have a football, that's

11:14

about it. You're screwed. But those feet,

11:16

but those feet have no cellular. Have

11:18

no cellular. You have no cellular. You

11:20

have no cellular. You have. I'm back

11:22

in my plant era. Even that wasn't

11:24

consistent. Sorry, you didn't leave it. I

11:26

have never left it, but I did

11:29

shut up about it on the podcast

11:31

for a while, but I'm back. I

11:33

took over. I'm here for anyone who

11:35

wants help with keeping their indoor plants

11:37

alive. There is a genuinely fantastic Instagram

11:39

account. It's called Sydney Plant Guy. He

11:41

has 543,000 followers. There's a lot of

11:43

people out there who like plants. Basically

11:46

if you are wanting to grow. Like,

11:48

marijuana? Yeah. Is that why he's so

11:50

popular? He's got a whole farm? If

11:52

you want to go grow hydroponics, no.

11:54

Like, sometimes indoor plants are very, very

11:56

hard to grow in terms of like

11:58

having them look as flourishing as what

12:00

they do when they're outside where a

12:03

plant should be, right? a plant will

12:05

grow in a crack in the sidewalk

12:07

better than what it will grow inside

12:09

your house. My olive tree inside is

12:11

thriving. Yeah, the plastic one. And this

12:13

is like, I mean, for anyone who

12:15

has like, this sounds so niche, but

12:17

I'm going to lean in. If you

12:20

have a variegated monstera or you have

12:22

plants, that. are expensive that are really

12:24

hard to take care of but really

12:26

also challenging to flourish. I found this

12:28

Instagram I came across it and like

12:30

he's so helpful with ways in which

12:32

to better like structure them so that

12:34

they can grow in a way that

12:37

they would naturally but do it indoors

12:39

and it's fantastic like it's really easy

12:41

plant care tips and I highly recommend

12:43

it if you're a plant galley. You

12:45

know you never really pinpoint the moment

12:47

that you're old do you like there's

12:49

a cooling gel... This is what I'm

12:51

saying. It's like all of a sudden

12:54

it just happens like even a couple

12:56

of days ago. I couldn't believe how

12:58

much I got off on the fact

13:00

that I changed my living room around.

13:02

I moved my lounge and I was

13:04

like, oh, this is so good. And

13:06

I was like, this is the most

13:08

exciting thing to happen to me this

13:11

week. You've got a leg cooling pillow

13:13

and you're frothing a plant. I was

13:15

like, when did it happen? When was

13:17

the transition where we're in this? When

13:19

was the transition where we're in this?

13:21

When was the transition where we were

13:23

like, we were like, when was the

13:25

transition? Question number one. Hi ladies, my

13:28

husband's mom has his location settings on,

13:30

so basically she is able to track

13:32

him at all times. She isn't necessarily

13:34

controlling or making a big deal about

13:36

it, but I often hear a saying

13:38

things like, oh I saw you're at

13:40

the pub the other night, or why

13:42

were you at work on a Saturday?

13:44

It makes me feel a certain way.

13:47

Question mark, question mark, question mark. I

13:49

just find it super odd, but it

13:51

feels like I can't really just ask

13:53

him to turn it off because then

13:55

she's gonna ask questions. And I don't

13:57

want it to come back onto me.

13:59

I guess my question is, am I

14:01

being ridiculous to be annoyed by the

14:04

fact that my husband shares his location

14:06

settings with. his mother. This is funny.

14:08

I have like two feelings about this.

14:10

One, I'm a true crime girl. I

14:12

think it's important that someone knows where

14:14

you are at all times. Just in

14:16

case your husband shows up in a

14:18

bin. If he disappears, yeah, I think

14:21

it's important that everyone... That was grim,

14:23

sorry, that's terrible. I take that back.

14:25

Like really like, is that how you

14:27

would end someone's life? I put in

14:29

a bin? My brain was like, ew.

14:31

No, I do think it's important, it's

14:33

important that he shares his location with

14:35

his location with his location with his

14:38

mom. Probably not normal, not out of

14:40

control. Do I think it's weird that

14:42

she constantly checks it? Yes. The fact

14:44

that she knows he was at the

14:46

pub or at work. Like, Ben and

14:48

I share location. I have not checked

14:50

at once. I know it's there. I

14:52

do not check it. The fact that

14:55

she's like tapping in and out on

14:57

the daily to see what he's doing,

14:59

where he's at, is a bit of

15:01

a like, there is something that needs

15:03

to be let go. My question here

15:05

is, does your husband share his location

15:07

settings with you or only with his

15:09

mom? Is he like, nah, babe, I'm

15:12

not gonna share this one, but hey

15:14

mummy, I'm gonna be at the pub

15:16

on the pub on Friday, it, it,

15:18

at some point for whatever reason. He's

15:20

never turned off and he just doesn't

15:22

care that his mom can see where

15:24

he is because it's not a big

15:26

deal to him. It is, and I

15:29

agree with you, Brit, super weird. She

15:31

checks. That she checks and that she

15:33

maybe... Because you've got to go in,

15:35

you've got to actively choose that. You're

15:37

like, hey, let's see where he is

15:39

at the moment and then you go

15:41

into the setting. But also, it's weird,

15:43

but it's also could be just harmless.

15:46

Like, she might be bored, she might

15:48

be lonely, like that might be her

15:50

way of creating some sort of deeper

15:52

connection. with him. I think we know

15:54

what our attachment style is. Which, what

15:56

is it? Attached. But I mean, I

15:58

understand that you feel a certain way

16:00

about it because it is a bit

16:03

weird that I don't think that you

16:05

should necessarily be annoyed by it? No,

16:07

it's one of those. It will cause

16:09

more harm than good if you say,

16:11

hey, turn your location settings off for

16:13

your mom because she checks it every

16:15

day, obviously. She's going to be like,

16:17

why did you turn your location settings

16:20

off? There's no answer other than I

16:22

don't want you to know where I

16:24

am, or it's weird. There's nothing that's,

16:26

unless she's showing up to where he

16:28

is. Oh yeah. Like would you at

16:30

least have that conversation so you both

16:32

can be in the same page? Like

16:34

a honey? To say like hey that

16:37

is weird that mom does that but

16:39

you know at least it's then you

16:41

against the mom together it's not like

16:43

him and the mom being like oh

16:45

here share my location sweetie or pie

16:47

come over for dinner. What happens if

16:49

he doesn't think it's weird? Then you...

16:51

I mean, and then that's a whole

16:54

different story. No, I think that's leaning

16:56

into like the same way Matt doesn't

16:58

think it's weird to put his head

17:00

on Ellie's lap and get headpat. Like

17:02

some people are attached to their mom.

17:04

They don't think it's weird. Okay, a

17:06

bit of context. We've heard it. We've

17:08

all heard it. Okay, a bit of

17:11

context around this is like what is

17:13

and what doesn't constitute overstepping the line

17:15

for a parent child relationship, right? Yeah.

17:17

And like... She's the best. Ellie is

17:19

incredible. She like does our washing for

17:21

us. I come home, she's cooked us

17:23

dinner, like she's a mom in every

17:25

sense of the word still, even though

17:27

we are fully grown adults and very

17:30

capable of doing things ourselves. I love

17:32

it. You're in and now, you're like,

17:34

oh, she's, well, she does. She just,

17:36

like, she's so generous and she takes

17:38

such good care of us. And I

17:40

say that because I think that. says

17:42

a lot about the person you are.

17:44

Yeah and also like okay so this

17:47

might be weird for some people because

17:49

they probably don't have this relationship with

17:51

their mother-in-laws but like I'll come home

17:53

from work if Ellie's in her bedroom

17:55

and I want to come and have

17:57

a conversation with her like I'll come

17:59

and crawl up and lay next to

18:01

her in bed and we'll have a

18:04

chat you know like to me that's

18:06

where our relationship is at. same or

18:08

like if we're all sitting on the

18:10

couch this is what the thing that

18:12

Brit was like your husband's a fucking

18:14

weirdo so we're all laying on the

18:16

couch or sitting on the couch if

18:18

I'm like I'm not giving you a

18:21

head rub that will just lay down

18:23

and put his head on Ellie's lap

18:25

and be like mom mom rub my

18:27

head mom my head I forgot Kisha

18:29

hasn't heard this weird or not weird

18:31

Kish as just be honest I'll get

18:33

a head massage from his mom because

18:35

I don't want to do it in

18:38

her lap I just want to replay

18:40

it to you so you can hear

18:42

it, how we hear it. He's turned

18:44

to you for a fiction. You haven't

18:46

provided it, so he's just flipped onto

18:48

the other side to get it from

18:50

his mother. That's fine. Hey, you can

18:52

give him a blowjob as well, Ellie.

18:55

I'm tired. Just be dry. There was

18:57

so funny, there were some people in

18:59

the comments that were like... Look, we

19:01

get the affection, think it's okay, everyone

19:03

needs affection. Why does his head have

19:05

to be in a lap? People are

19:07

like, why does it have to be

19:09

laid down with his head? Anyway, this

19:12

isn't about Matt. Okay, the last thing

19:14

I want to say on the map

19:16

before we do move on. I know

19:18

that that probably is weird to a

19:20

lot of people who don't live with

19:22

their mother-in-law and have like that level

19:24

of closeness. There is no part of

19:26

their relationship that I look at and

19:29

think is weird. I literally look at

19:31

their relationship and think it is the

19:33

most aspirational relationship for a mother and

19:35

son to have. He has so much

19:37

respect for his mom and she totally

19:39

understands where my boundaries are in terms

19:41

of everything. No, I could never imagine

19:43

because I don't have that relationship. You

19:46

know, I would never lay down on

19:48

my dad's lap and be like, my

19:50

boy, it's not, it's just not quite

19:52

right. Anyway, let's move back to this.

19:54

There's nothing you can do about it

19:56

unless it's actually infiltrating your life to

19:58

the point that she's turning up. I

20:00

think exactly like you said, Laura, it

20:03

could just be a way for her

20:05

to connect with her son to have

20:07

something to talk about to make sure

20:09

he's safe. that there are a lot

20:11

of parents that have trouble letting go.

20:13

It can be a really hard thing

20:15

and she 100% has not let go.

20:17

It's not necessarily bad. You can't ask

20:20

her to not check in on him.

20:22

You can't ask him to turn his

20:24

location settings off. I believe I think

20:26

that's just going to cause... Chaos. You

20:28

definitely can't ask her not to check

20:30

in. You could ask your husband to

20:32

turn off sharing his location settings. The

20:34

only thing is then, yeah, it's like,

20:37

is the juice worth the squeeze, which

20:39

we often ask. It's like, okay, she's

20:41

gonna know. She might say, oh, you

20:43

turned your location settings off, and then

20:45

like, you have to have a conversation

20:47

around why. She'll feel sad. She might,

20:49

yeah, exactly. I don't know. I don't

20:51

know. Part of me thinks it's odd.

20:54

Do I think it's like damaging to

20:56

your relationship? No. So like, just, it's

20:58

okay. Location settings are hard. I only

21:00

share it with my sister Sherry and

21:02

Ben and Sherry. I always forget that

21:04

I share it with people because I

21:06

don't check in on people. But the

21:08

number of times Sherry has called me

21:11

out on something where she's like, I'm

21:13

going to her somewhere or whatever it

21:15

is. And she's like, are you close

21:17

and I'm like, like, like, Gotcha, I'm

21:19

walking out the door, she's like, you're

21:21

not. She's like, I can see that

21:23

you're not, you haven't moved. That's when

21:25

it can get a bit tricky. Do

21:27

you think that it's an intimacy? I'm

21:30

trying to think of why I find

21:32

this so weird. I want to validate

21:34

this person. I find this so weird.

21:36

I only share my location with my

21:38

boyfriend and we've only started doing that

21:40

in the last, I think, six months.

21:42

He does night shifts. I like to

21:44

make sure that he, like if I'm

21:47

at work, that he's driven home and

21:49

he's gotten home okay. And it kind

21:51

of helps because he can't have his

21:53

phone on him at work. So if,

21:55

you know, I'm making dinner or whatever,

21:57

I'll know if he's still 30 minutes

21:59

away because I can see where he

22:01

is. a weird independence breaker. You know,

22:04

like I just wanted the autonomy of

22:06

no one knowing where I was, so

22:08

I didn't have to explain it all.

22:10

I don't know what it was. I

22:12

was weird about it until quite recently.

22:14

So I think that that's why I

22:16

find it so weird that the mum

22:18

has the location. It feels like an

22:21

intimate thing to me. I think it's

22:23

intimate. I think it's intimate. I think

22:25

it definitely makes him seem like he's

22:27

a bit of a mummy's boy, for

22:29

sure, and like he hasn't necessarily kept

22:31

hot. Like I was shared to begin

22:33

with. Well you never know, they could

22:35

have been on holidays together, like there

22:38

could have been any number of reasons

22:40

to why it was shared in the

22:42

one week one week one, or indefinitely.

22:44

Pick one week and extend. All right,

22:46

question number two. How did two avoidance

22:48

make a relationship work? I'm 29 and

22:50

I finally got my hands on the

22:52

man, I've been plotting about for 10

22:55

years. That sounds so bad! That's a

22:57

long time to have feelings for someone.

22:59

But also it's a long time to

23:01

have feelings for someone. But also it

23:03

sounds like you've finally got your hands

23:05

on like a limited edition bag or

23:07

something like, I've finally got my hands

23:09

on this guy I've been plotting about

23:12

for for for 10 years. I judge

23:14

and don't listen. I mean I listen

23:16

and don't judge. I judge and don't

23:18

judge. That sounds like every argument ever.

23:20

I judge and I don't listen. Yeah

23:22

what? You're wrong what? Okay we've always

23:24

had a strong connection but life has

23:26

led us in different directions over the

23:29

years. We've been seeing each other as

23:31

exclusive friends with benefits for the last

23:33

year but things have evolved recently. We

23:35

spend hours chatting, planning our future, our

23:37

communication is great. We're super compatible. The

23:39

spark is strong. It may as well

23:41

be on fire. Wow, she sounds wonderful.

23:43

But we have both realized that we

23:46

have avoidant attachment styles, which has prevented

23:48

us from going all in. Recently, we've

23:50

both admitted we're in deep and would

23:52

like to be together. So my question

23:54

is, how do quote unquote regular people

23:56

do this? I can't get my head

23:58

around how to be a girlfriend and

24:00

what that might I might mean for

24:03

my sense of self and my lifestyle.

24:05

I'm hyper independent, fully in love, and

24:07

absolutely terrified. I think this is interesting

24:09

because on one hand you've said that

24:11

you have spent heaps of time, we

24:13

spend hours chatting, planning our future and

24:15

our communication is great. So it sounds

24:17

like to me you're already... It's not

24:20

avoiding. You're already so far down that

24:22

rabbit hole or maybe you're quite okay

24:24

with the conversation part but then when

24:26

it comes into the actuality of committing

24:28

yourself or committing your time that's when

24:30

you start to freak out. The only thing

24:32

around this is like, I think that sometimes

24:35

we can self-sabotage. You say you've had feelings

24:37

with this guy for 10 years. You've been

24:39

in a Friends with Benefit relationship for a

24:41

year. You've now finally made the commitment to

24:43

give it a go. I would say if you

24:46

are having second thoughts about that

24:48

or you're finding it difficult to

24:50

commit to it properly, like that

24:52

is deeply avoided and it's like

24:54

be careful of the line between

24:56

self-sabotage and also blaming your avoidant

24:58

personality type as your excuse for

25:00

this because you're clearly very aware

25:02

that you pride on your independence,

25:04

you love having your own senses

25:06

self. you can maintain all of

25:08

those things in a healthy relationship.

25:10

You don't sacrifice all of that

25:12

just because you started dating someone.

25:14

Yeah, and I understand what you're feeling.

25:16

I remember feeling the same thing. I'm

25:18

assuming when you say you've been plotting

25:21

slash pining for this guy for 10

25:23

years, I'm assuming you're probably single for

25:25

most of that time. It's really difficult

25:27

when you've been really independent and on

25:29

your own and not dating to then... Date and

25:32

be dependent and I remember feeling the same

25:34

way I remember saying to my friend I

25:36

don't know how to be in a relationship

25:38

I don't know how to be a partner

25:40

I don't know how to be a girlfriend.

25:42

I don't know what the expectations are I

25:44

don't know how to share my life with someone

25:46

which is silly because Everyone knows right

25:49

like everyone has right like everyone has

25:51

that but when you get accustomed to

25:53

living a certain way or only relying

25:55

on yourself or doing everything on

25:57

your own you said you're hyper

25:59

independent? scares people, it scared me. I

26:01

remember thinking, am I gonna be with no one

26:03

else again in my whole life? Am I gonna

26:05

be with this one person? What if this person's

26:08

not right? Then you start to get in your

26:10

head and that's when the self-sabotage comes in. I

26:12

think you need to roll with it. Absolutely,

26:14

two people that are the same, avoidant, or

26:16

whatever your attachment is, any two people can be

26:18

together if you're hyper aware and socially enough

26:21

aware of what you are, what you are,

26:23

what your communication style is, what your communication

26:25

style is, and who you are. you might

26:27

need to work a little bit harder

26:29

than to other different types of styles that

26:32

are matched together. Like there are definitely people

26:34

that are more compatible. But anyone can make

26:36

anything work when they understand what they

26:38

are, what their partner is, what they need,

26:41

and what work you have to do to

26:43

meet each other halfway. But I don't think

26:45

like Laura said, I'm not convinced you

26:47

are avoidant. I think you're a bit scared

26:49

to take the leap into this new phase

26:51

of life because you have an experience of

26:54

so long. Also, sometimes when you're chasing something

26:56

for so long, you've been chasing this for

26:58

10 years, all of a sudden you've got

27:00

it, there's something where it's like, holy shit,

27:02

like, do I actually want this? Is this

27:04

where we're going? Am I? But I think

27:07

you're not avoiding it. And I think... No,

27:09

I think she is avoiding. I think she

27:11

absolutely can be. I think an avoidant person

27:13

can like... know that then recognize that they

27:15

want all those things in another person and

27:17

they can like verbally apply themselves but once

27:19

it gets to a place where they actually

27:22

have to like physically make those commitments or

27:24

things are feeling like that level of intimacy

27:26

is increasing or the closeness or that they're

27:28

encroaching on their time that's a trigger on

27:30

their time that's a trigger on their time

27:32

that's a trigger for them and so then

27:35

they start to pull away hence the whole

27:37

idea of self-sabotage but I guess my thing

27:39

is and look for anyone who's not 100

27:41

percent across like what an and pull back

27:44

from romantic connections once they start to become

27:46

too serious. It doesn't mean that they don't

27:48

love their partner, they just struggle with connection.

27:50

The thing though is, and what I believe,

27:52

is like, if you have recognized the type

27:55

of personality style that you are, you can

27:57

do the work to change it. You can

27:59

recognize. your triggers. You can actually start to

28:01

like change the behaviors once you start to

28:04

see yourself doing them. You're not, and I

28:06

hate this idea that we're just like a

28:08

victim to our attachment style that you can

28:11

never have a great relationship because your X,

28:13

Y, Z. Attachment styles are fluid. They change

28:15

depending on what relationship you're in, what the

28:17

attachment style is of the person that you

28:20

are dating. What period of life you're in?

28:22

100% what you want, what you want, what

28:24

you need, what your experience is at that

28:27

point in that point in your life. The

28:29

fact that you are aware of it means that

28:31

you are not a slave to it. And the

28:33

fact that your partner is also aware of it

28:35

means that he doesn't have to be either. I

28:37

would hope that you have enough ability to

28:39

stop using it as an excuse to

28:42

limit yourself in your relationships. Because I

28:44

really think that even two people who

28:46

are avoidant... can have a really mutually incredible

28:48

relationship because they understand and value what is

28:51

important to each person. If independence is important

28:53

to you, the great thing is, is that

28:55

your partner also has that strong need for

28:57

independence. You can respect that in each other.

28:59

You can respect that in each other. You

29:01

can respect the fact that you both really

29:04

want to maintain a strong sense of your

29:06

own identity. It just means you're going to

29:08

have to work a little bit harder to

29:10

have the deeper level of communication and connection,

29:12

which it sounds like you're doing that you're

29:15

doing that anyway. I agree with everything and

29:17

what I want to say here is

29:19

I do think that there might be

29:21

a chance that you are confusing avoid

29:23

an attachment style with just being

29:25

scared. And I say that because

29:27

everything you've said we have a

29:29

great connection. We plan our future.

29:31

You literally say communication is great.

29:33

We chat for hours. We plan

29:35

our future. The spark is strong.

29:38

We are so compatible. We want

29:40

to go all in. I think you're just scared.

29:42

I actually don't think you're avoiding at all, but

29:44

I think we're so used to having to put

29:46

a label on everything, which sometimes we don't need

29:48

to put a label and it's normal to be

29:50

scared when you're going into a new chapter. It's

29:52

normal to be scared to put your emotions and

29:54

your heart on the line because there's a chance

29:56

it doesn't work and something you thought or

29:59

romanticized or fantasy. for 10 years might

30:01

not turn out to be exactly what

30:03

you need and that can be really

30:05

scary. I have a question when you

30:07

say scared Brit because I often think

30:09

sometimes we speak about this idea of

30:11

like being scared to lose yourself in

30:13

a relationship or lose your sense of

30:15

identity but actually what I think we're

30:17

scared of is being hurt. It's not

30:19

so much about the losing yourself or

30:22

what the relationship could be. it's the

30:24

fact that like if you open yourself

30:26

up to it entirely, then there's a

30:28

greater possibility of being really deeply hurt

30:30

by it. And so when you've been

30:32

single for a long time or you've

30:34

only been dating for a long time

30:36

and haven't given yourself over to those

30:39

feelings, that is like a frightening thing.

30:41

Yeah, and I say I think you're

30:43

confusing the two because you've literally said

30:45

all these amazing things and then you

30:47

say I'm absolutely terrified. So I don't

30:50

think you're avoidant. I think you're avoidant.

30:52

is there's no right way to be

30:54

a girlfriend. There's just two people that

30:56

make whatever their relationship is and their

30:59

personalities work. You've wanted this for so

31:01

long, our life is short, what are

31:03

you scared for? Jump in, if there's

31:05

a chance it doesn't work out, that's

31:08

also life, and that is completely okay.

31:10

It's normal. Most people, I mean, everyone

31:12

at some point. Except if

31:14

you are one of those people that their

31:17

first relationship at 16 is the person

31:19

they marry for their life. Everyone experiences failed

31:21

relationships. But they're not failed. It's just

31:23

a part of the journey to find the

31:25

person. My advice here is to absolutely

31:27

go all in. This is not a new

31:29

thing. It's 10 years in the making.

31:31

Your communication is there. You can still be

31:34

hyper independent in a relationship. I mean,

31:36

that's exactly what I am right now. I

31:38

know it's long distance, but I would

31:40

still be hyper independent if I lived with

31:42

Ben because it's who my personality is.

31:44

A relationship doesn't have to change you and

31:47

take that away. You do have to be

31:49

malleable with a partner. Like you might not

31:51

be able to go away on vendors for

31:53

weekends without communicating that you're not going to

31:56

be in contact. Like maybe things change in

31:58

that sense. Yeah, but that's selfishness. that's my

32:00

point like you can still have

32:02

your independence and be all in

32:04

a relationship my thought though is

32:06

and I think that there is

32:09

a greater debt here in terms

32:11

of like feeling like there is

32:13

like what's on the line the

32:15

risk of what's on the line

32:17

and that's because it is someone

32:19

who you've been pining about for

32:21

10 years the fear factor is

32:23

greater because you've already built up

32:25

a sense of what this relationship

32:27

could be in your head being

32:29

and the potential of your relationship

32:31

into like a magical possibility. The

32:33

reality is is you have no

32:35

idea what this relationship is going

32:37

to be until you give it

32:39

a shot. It may not meet

32:41

up to the expectations. It may

32:43

exceed them. There is absolutely no

32:45

way of knowing. But I think

32:47

be very very careful with what

32:49

is you excited and like invested

32:51

in the potential of the relationship

32:53

rather than what necessarily the relationship

32:55

is and treating it as though

32:57

you're starting a new relationship. Not

32:59

that you're coming into this with 10

33:01

years of like life excitement and like suspense

33:04

around what it could be because

33:06

that's definitely going to change how

33:08

you feel. Question number three, is

33:10

it weird for the bridal party

33:12

to slow dance with their partners?

33:14

What are your thoughts on a

33:16

bride? making the bridesmaids and groomsman

33:18

slow dance together at the start

33:20

of the night. My boyfriend is

33:22

in a wedding and he has

33:24

to slow dance with his partner

33:26

for five minutes. She said that in

33:28

a capital so I feel like it

33:30

was important to really put some emphasis

33:33

on this. Is this normal? Am I

33:35

overreacting that I find it so weird?

33:37

My heart rate is resting at 120

33:39

beats right now. I am that

33:41

anxious. I don't think that was literal. I

33:43

think that's her trying to say she's stressed. I

33:45

don't think she's got a whoop on that's testing

33:47

her heart range. Maybe she does. I feel like

33:49

it's very accurate. Oh, that's weird. Five minutes is

33:51

a really long slow dance. I don't know who's

33:54

slow dancing for five minutes. That's multiple songs. Songs

33:56

don't even go for five minutes. That's my point.

33:58

That's two to three songs of slow dance. that's

34:00

an exaggeration or if she is making

34:02

them dance for three songs in a

34:04

row that's fucking weird absolutely this idea

34:06

of making the bridal party slow dance

34:08

is something of the ages is something

34:10

that has been like a standard traditional

34:13

part of weddings for as long as

34:15

I can remember I've had to do

34:17

it before it's just a part of

34:19

being like hey these are our people that

34:21

we have chosen that are coming on the

34:23

dance floor to dance I don't think it

34:25

needs to be a staple in a But I

34:27

understand it and I don't think it

34:29

has to be that much of a

34:32

big deal. He hasn't chosen to. You're

34:34

not at a wedding and he's like,

34:36

hey babes, I'm going to go and

34:38

ask the bride for me to dance.

34:40

It's a part of what that bride

34:42

and groom have chosen for their bridal

34:44

party to do and partake. It is

34:47

sometimes weird, but once I had to

34:49

slow dance. It's a part of what

34:51

that bride and groomed, have chosen for

34:53

their bridalim, have chosen for, and I'm

34:55

going to make. My people do it at my

34:57

wedding is something I haven't thought about to now. Okay,

34:59

well think about it. Are you going to make people

35:02

slow dance who don't know each other? Probably not. Or

35:04

they can come on if they want with their

35:06

partners or they can come on with someone. But

35:08

having said that, I remember being at a wedding

35:10

single before and everyone out, the party went out

35:12

with their partners instead of the bridal party.

35:14

And I was just standing there like a little...

35:16

total off to the site. I was like, oh

35:18

no one wants a dance. You made me dance

35:20

with you at Laura's wedding. It's like the part

35:22

of the time because we were both single. That's

35:24

my point exactly. I was like, Kisha can I

35:26

have this dance? I think you're overthinking it. It's

35:28

just a part of weddings. It has been

35:31

four years. It doesn't mean anything is going

35:33

to happen. It doesn't mean he loves you

35:35

any less. I would be questioning why it makes

35:37

you uncomfortable. Yeah, I mean I read this

35:39

and I think if your partner is part

35:42

of a bridal party, they've been matched with

35:44

a stranger or they're being matched with someone

35:46

that they might know kind of a little

35:48

bit and they've been asked to slow dance

35:51

with them, I think that the slow dance

35:53

is innocent. The slow dance doesn't mean anything.

35:55

There's no secret deep connection there. It doesn't

35:57

mean he's going to run off with her.

35:59

He won't. He's not going to. I

36:01

find it odd that it creates this

36:03

much anxiety in you. The thought of

36:05

your partner slow dancing with someone else

36:07

when it's been something that's like an

36:10

expectation. You know, it's interesting because like

36:12

coming off the back of Dancing with

36:14

the Stars, right? Like you've just done

36:16

a Brit. You grind all up on

36:18

A Stranger. Yeah, and I did it

36:20

two years ago I was matched with

36:22

my dance partner and it is like

36:24

a real intimacy there, but slow dancing

36:26

doesn't have to be like... We were like up

36:28

against each other right like that's what

36:30

that dance was and I found it

36:32

really weird because there's like a level

36:34

of intimacy, but then there's no chemistry

36:36

but like you just got to kind

36:38

of make the chemistry seem like it's

36:40

convincing. And you're supposed to be telling

36:42

like a love story. You guys are

36:44

in love and this you're on this

36:46

journey. You're looking at each other and

36:48

it's like you don't know them. Which

36:50

is a very different kettle of fish

36:52

to having a slow dance at a

36:54

wedding. They don't have to be staring

36:56

into each other's eyes and holding each other

36:58

really close. They can just do the two step

37:00

from side to side kind of you know half

37:03

holding each other. level of intimacy that's uncomfortable. That's

37:05

weird in and of itself. You know, people slow

37:07

dance with their moms. They slow dance, like dancing

37:09

is just dancing. And to me, I guess it's

37:11

like the bride has an idea of what she

37:13

wants for her wedding and that's for her and

37:16

her husband to be on the dance floor with

37:18

her bridal party and all of them to have

37:20

a dance together. It may be because she doesn't

37:22

want to be like on the dance floor by

37:24

herself with her husband. That might be uncomfortable for

37:26

her husband. That might be uncomfortable. That might

37:29

be uncomfortable for her. And like I said,

37:31

my biggest reaction to this is

37:33

the fact that it is creating

37:35

that much anxiety in you. Do

37:37

you not trust your partner? Do

37:39

you find it uncomfortable when they

37:41

speak to girls or spend time

37:43

with girls outside of your relationship?

37:45

Like, what is it about this

37:47

that's that triggering for you that

37:49

you are literally in capitals? Like,

37:51

I am that anxious. I think it's

37:53

way more simple. I think you

37:55

understand that it's a normal part

37:57

of weddings. Maybe you haven't been...

38:00

into What

41:56

I'm hoping is we can make it look

41:58

good. I'm hoping that 60% is swaying from

42:00

side side, but then I can put a

42:02

good dip in and put one good lift

42:04

in. It's got to be 30 seconds, that's

42:07

it. And then I'm hoping that we

42:09

can nail it. We can. love!