0:01

Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.

0:02

Hi.

0:03

We're in my new home. Finally we're set. We're

0:05

recording our podcast in my new home. I

0:07

have a podcast room. Doug is here, passed

0:10

out on the ground. I want him

0:12

to sit on the couch next to me, but he refused.

0:15

He's not like that.

0:16

He's not He's a follower, but he's not

0:18

a cling a follower. You know what I was really shocked

0:20

by.

0:20

Yesterday he like brought me his little toy and I tossed

0:22

it and he just bounced around after it.

0:24

I know, in the morning, it's like he's

0:27

at Kangaroo. He jumps

0:29

around, up and down and.

0:30

You don't hear him. The other night, I woke up.

0:32

I sleep with eye shades on, and I

0:35

rolled over and I felt this hot

0:37

breath on my face and I was like, wait a second,

0:39

No one's supposed to be in my bed tonight. And

0:42

I lifted my eye shades and he was staring

0:45

straight at me in the middle of the night.

0:47

And he's so dark it's hard to even see

0:49

him, but his eyes I could see them

0:51

stare and it was so creepy, like

0:53

a lover staring at you while you're sleeping.

0:57

I've got men doing that, and I'm like, pull

0:59

it. Don't fuckings stare at me. We'll sleep

1:01

in you weirdo.

1:02

Even with Doug, who you absolutely love, it's still

1:04

a little weird.

1:05

I know, I love him, and I love that he doesn't want to

1:07

sleep with me, Like he comes up to say good night and then

1:09

he leaves and then some but he's so soft and

1:11

agile that he will come up on the bed and

1:13

just you don't.

1:14

Even know he's there, and all of a sudden you turn around.

1:15

You're like, oh, hello, Doug, Oh Doug.

1:18

Well, do you have any shows coming up?

1:20

Yes, we added we're adding a third Montclair

1:22

show to New Jersey because the first two

1:24

shows are sold out. And first of all,

1:26

the Santa Barbara Bowl is August seventeenth.

1:28

Then I have Saratoga, then I have Highland,

1:31

California. My first date in Vegas

1:33

is September first. I'm coming

1:35

to Foxwood Casinos in

1:37

Connecticut on September seventh.

1:40

I'm coming to Portland, Maine.

1:42

On September sixth, And you

1:44

can go to Chelsea Handler dot com because I have dates

1:46

throughout the rest of the year and all my Vegas

1:48

dates are up, so I'm gonna be in Vegas starting my

1:50

residency on the first of September, and

1:52

then the next date is November second, and

1:54

then the next Vegas state is November thirtieth.

1:57

So these are all big holidays, so get your tickets

1:59

for that. And oh yeah, and we just

2:01

added something. We added a casino

2:03

date because you know how much I love to gamble.

2:06

Let's see where that is.

2:07

Oh, Carlton, Minnesota. Everybody

2:10

the Black Bear Casino Resort Friday,

2:13

October eighteenth.

2:14

I will be there. That just went on sale. So yeah,

2:16

get your tickets for that. Our guest today

2:18

is an actress, dancer, singer, entrepreneur,

2:21

founder of dance and fitness program Kinergy,

2:23

and she's also now and author. Her

2:25

new novel Everything We Never Knew,

2:28

is out this week. Please welcome. Julianne Huff. Oh,

2:31

hello, sweet cheeks.

2:34

Hello, how are you? I'm

2:37

great?

2:37

But your kitchen looks so I love that

2:39

color and that tile.

2:41

I love that.

2:42

I just five seconds ago was like, oh does

2:45

the book look good there?

2:46

Do I need to put this?

2:47

You know, let me write my book front

2:49

and center. Julianne,

2:51

This is Catherine I, my co host

2:54

producer. I'm always impressed

2:57

when any celebrity who has

3:00

I've never written a novel writes

3:02

a novel. I'm blown away by

3:04

the balls that it takes to write a novel.

3:07

Thank you.

3:08

I don't know if you noticed this, though I did actually

3:10

put my my ghost writer on

3:12

the cover with me.

3:14

Well, yes, I did notice that. I did read the book.

3:16

I read, I saw that you had a co writer.

3:19

But still, it takes a lot of balls to

3:21

write a novel out of left field, So talk

3:23

to us about it.

3:24

Thank you.

3:25

Because I also suspect that this is

3:27

partially I don't want to say autobiographical,

3:30

but adjacent to autobiographical. I'm

3:32

sure there are nuggets in there that mimic your

3:34

real personal experience.

3:36

Absolutely, I mean it is. I

3:38

think somebody called it factional, where it's

3:41

like it's obviously fictional, but

3:43

it is clearly pulled straight from

3:45

my life. Yeah, you know, I think over

3:47

the last probably six seven years,

3:49

I've gone through this really kind of transformative

3:52

time in my life where a lot of

3:54

the systems that I put into place to protect

3:57

myself over the last thirty plus years

4:00

really started unraveling when

4:02

I started doing some inner

4:04

child therapy and work on myself

4:07

and everything that I thought was

4:09

here to kind of be this safe

4:11

thing all start unraveling. And while

4:14

that was happening, I was like, you know, I want

4:16

to be able to share my story,

4:18

but I also am kind of at that

4:20

stage in my life where I'm like, I don't want to give all my

4:22

personal details away anymore. Like

4:25

I was so oversharing

4:27

and so much that I did that, I was like, you know,

4:30

I think, I think I want to do it this way.

4:32

Also, I am a storyteller, whether it's

4:34

through dance or music or acting.

4:37

I love storytelling. And there's something

4:39

so amazing about

4:41

transporting to another world where it

4:44

doesn't feel so intimidating or vulnerable.

4:46

You can actually create an entire world

4:48

that you feel you know it

4:50

works for you. So that's that's why

4:53

I decided to write a fiction novel versus

4:56

here's all my stuff, Welcome.

4:59

To my life.

5:00

I know exactly what you're talking about going

5:03

to I should start writing novels too.

5:05

That would be a that would be quite a shroud.

5:07

People would be like, we're onto you.

5:10

First of all, your transformation in the past five six

5:12

years however long it's been, is visible.

5:14

You've documented it. On Instagram. You talk a

5:16

lot.

5:16

About your spirituality, your dance.

5:19

I know you started your dance program

5:21

Kinergy, which has been huge for you,

5:24

and a lot of the book and you in

5:26

person, I know focus on the

5:28

four Elements, and I wanted to talk about

5:30

that for our listeners who are not up to speed

5:33

on the four Elements or may look at it and be like,

5:35

Okay, that's a little bit too hokey

5:37

or.

5:38

Too woo wooh.

5:40

Yeah, I think it's important to explain

5:42

what they are and how they impact.

5:44

Us all absolutely well.

5:46

I mean I feel like one you've you've

5:48

dabbled in some plant medicine and stuff

5:50

like that and documented it. I think there's

5:52

a lot of things that I've taken from

5:55

different modalities and practices,

5:57

whether it be like shamanism and the

5:59

elements for tai Chi and

6:01

chigong, and like Eastern sides

6:04

of philosophy and really try to

6:06

put it into k Energy, which is my dance

6:08

modality that is a somatic

6:10

movement therapy basically. And so with

6:13

all these modalities that I feel like have been tools

6:16

in helping me connect to myself and a need and

6:18

even deeper way. And when I say connect

6:20

to myself, I mean, actually trusting myself.

6:23

The elements were probably the one that

6:26

resonated with me the most. And I think,

6:28

you know, we are made up of the elements.

6:30

We are in nature by nature, and so the

6:33

fact is when we can actually visualize

6:35

and connect energetically to this

6:37

place, we have so much wisdom

6:39

within us and the nature

6:41

of the elements are also there and

6:44

so for us to tap into that,

6:46

I mean.

6:47

This is where the wu wu comes in.

6:49

But like energy is in everything,

6:51

I mean it is in the plants, everything is alive, and

6:53

so tapping into what's

6:55

around us and the resources that are around

6:57

us, ancient that's been here

7:00

a way longer than we have, and

7:02

just the wisdom I mean, water holds memory,

7:04

all.

7:04

Sorts of things like that.

7:05

So being able to connect to

7:08

those elements and also within

7:10

ourselves, I mean that's where I found a lot

7:12

of my trust in my knowing

7:14

and my discernment and who I am. And

7:16

you know, for years, I've given my

7:19

power away to so many other people and

7:21

got burned along the way. So I'm like, I

7:23

really need to learn how to trust myself. And

7:26

that's why the elements have been so.

7:28

Powerful for me, and what are the

7:30

four elements.

7:31

Oh, yes, air, fire,

7:33

water, earth, And then if you want to talk

7:36

about the fifth element, which is either it's

7:38

a combination of all.

7:39

Yeah.

7:40

I like what you're saying about because everyone has

7:42

a different connection to all of those things. And whether

7:44

it's a deep connection or it's something that you

7:46

just kind of you know, think is around and

7:48

it doesn't impact you at all, then it's

7:50

a little bit you haven't developed your relationship

7:53

with those things. Like I'm a pisce, so

7:55

people like, oh, you love the water, I actually do love

7:57

the water, Like the water is so healing and

7:59

so er for me, Like I always want to

8:01

be bywater, even if I'm not in it, I need to

8:03

be looking at it.

8:04

You know, all of those things. But there are deeper connections

8:06

that all of us have to all of these things,

8:09

whether it is fire, whether it is air.

8:11

But more importantly, what you just said, I think is

8:13

really interesting about wisdom

8:15

and that we have so much wisdom within us

8:18

that we've carried intergenerationally

8:21

from our ancestors and from human

8:23

beings that you know, the conversation

8:25

just feels like in our modern life,

8:27

it feels like it just started like ten

8:30

or fifteen years ago. I'm sure there are there

8:32

are, and I know there are huge groups of

8:34

people and different parts of the world that are

8:36

focused on this and this relationship

8:38

we have with these elements. But in like

8:41

LA modern society, people are just like,

8:43

Okay, first it was astrology,

8:45

and then it was like, Okay, now we're deeper. We're talking

8:48

about meditation and healing and

8:50

energy work and all of those things. And people

8:52

think LA is like kind of a woo

8:54

woo place if you don't live here. Yeah,

8:57

we're all in therapy and that we're all basket

8:59

cases. But I would argue

9:01

that there is so much wisdom that we have

9:03

within us that we aren't tapping into

9:06

because we don't even believe that it's there. We

9:08

think this is our first time on Earth. We

9:10

don't know very much. All we know is what

9:12

we've learned, but it's inexplicable

9:15

the.

9:15

Things that we do know when

9:17

we know them.

9:18

Yeah, you don't know what you don't know until

9:21

you know it.

9:21

And I think there has to be

9:24

a level of curiosity, and you don't get to that

9:26

level of curiosity unless

9:28

either an event.

9:30

Has occurred where you're like, WHOA,

9:32

I need.

9:32

To shift something, or I

9:35

don't know, there's just a there's a hunger and

9:37

a drive for more.

9:39

I don't know.

9:39

I think that that is what changed

9:41

and transformed my life was I

9:44

had an experience that happened that opened

9:46

my eyes, which is basically how

9:49

you know she's very supernatural and had all these experiences

9:52

happen. I had very similar ones happen,

9:54

and I was like, what the if I

9:56

am going insane?

9:57

Maybe this is a psychotic breed.

10:00

But like I'm seeing colors, I'm

10:03

hearing, you know, things, I'm intuiting

10:05

things that there's no way

10:08

I would have had this awareness of. But

10:10

I'm having like this oneness experience

10:12

with someone else and I don't even know this

10:14

person. And when I say hear things,

10:16

I'm not like hearing voices, but you

10:18

know, like synesthesia where it's like you

10:21

actually, you know, Beethoven

10:24

he heard color. I don't know that

10:27

was exactly correct, but like.

10:28

It was, I slept. I slept with Beethoven, and

10:30

it is thank you, thank.

10:32

You for that.

10:33

But for me, it's like I

10:36

was hearing things, but it was like but it

10:38

was a knowing and a feeling, and so those

10:40

things were starting to happen, and I was like what is

10:43

happening here? And instead

10:45

of freaking out getting scared,

10:48

I just got curious and I started like researching

10:51

and learning and diving into things and really

10:53

tried to just, i don't know, embrace

10:56

it rather than be scared of it.

10:59

Can you give us an example of something that you experienced.

11:02

Yeah, absolutely so. I was actually at

11:04

this retreat seminar and there

11:07

was a bunch of us there, and I remember

11:09

being in this deep meditation and

11:12

I didn't know a lot of the people there, but I

11:15

closed my eyes and I'm starting to go, you

11:18

know, connect and go into that state.

11:20

And then all of a sudden, I was like, ooh, I

11:22

feel I feel like I'm

11:25

in Europe. I smell mold

11:27

and it's musty. I feel

11:30

very young right now. I feel like I'm

11:32

like three or five years old, somewhere

11:34

around that era or that age.

11:37

And my hair feels wet

11:40

and I'm sitting here being

11:42

like this is so strange, but like this doesn't

11:44

feel like mine. And then all of

11:46

a sudden, I was like overwhelmed with

11:48

this sense of abandonment by

11:51

my father, and I was like, this

11:53

is I don't this doesn't feel like me,

11:55

This doesn't feel like my stuff, but I'm going

11:57

with it. And then all of a sudden, I had this

12:00

overwhelming feeling to the point where like my

12:02

arms went back and my chest opened up,

12:04

and I was like, I feel

12:07

so loved. And anyway

12:09

the meditation finishes, I was like, that

12:11

was strange, and I just looked at

12:13

this woman and I was like, I

12:16

feel like that was her experience.

12:18

So I walked over to her and I said, Hey, I

12:20

know you don't know me, but would you be

12:23

open to sharing what your experience was in that

12:25

meditation? She goes, it was actually

12:27

really profound. I had

12:29

this memory come up when I was a little girl

12:31

and my family we were living in Copenhagen,

12:34

and I had this memory. My mom was at

12:36

the hospital and my dad

12:39

was rushing to get me ready to go, and

12:42

my hair was wet and he was blow drying my hair. I'll

12:44

never forget it. And we rushed

12:46

to the hospital and then he just left

12:48

me. He left me in the

12:50

waiting room. And not only did

12:53

I feel so alone in

12:55

that moment, but my brother was born

12:57

and he has autism, and so my whole

12:59

life since my brother was born,

13:02

I felt like my parents just forgot

13:04

about me, and that they just didn't love

13:06

me. She goes, and then the weirdest thing happened.

13:09

My arms went back and my heart opened

13:11

up, and I just felt this immense amount

13:14

of love that like my family and

13:16

my dad loved me.

13:18

I was like, what the fuck?

13:21

So clearly I wasn't experiencing

13:23

all the details that she went through,

13:26

but I was having those heightened senses,

13:29

and I was like, what that is

13:31

very strange.

13:32

Or of someone else's experience, which

13:34

is strange.

13:35

Yeah, from someone else's experience. And this was not plant

13:37

medicine, this was nothing. This was just meditation.

13:40

And then you know other experiences

13:43

where I'd be sitting with somebody and we have an

13:45

a normal conversation and I'd be like, did you have a dog

13:47

at twelve that was black and white? And

13:49

they'd be like, oh, my gosh, yes, And

13:52

then it would spawn into a conversation

13:54

about how, you know, her

13:56

dad ended up losing this dog and

13:59

when she was twelve years old, and it was

14:01

like a really painful experience that they had just

14:03

moved and like they got a new dog,

14:05

but it wasn't that dog anyway, It was this whole

14:08

experience. So these things

14:10

were starting to happen. I also, you

14:12

know, was starting to see some color

14:14

around people, and again it kind

14:16

of like freaked me out a little bit, and

14:19

then I just dove into it and

14:21

thought I'd get curious.

14:22

Yeah, So the main character in the

14:24

book Everything We Never Knew does

14:27

see auras, sees people's auras,

14:29

and so that is something that I

14:31

can relate to that. And I don't know if I

14:34

can relate to the color seeing colors, because

14:36

I know I've spoken to mediums or

14:38

psychics or anything of that ilk that

14:40

have said, Okay, this is the color, this is your aura.

14:42

It's always green or blue or something.

14:45

But there's definitely like I

14:47

can you know when I see somebody.

14:49

You have a vibe, right, you have a vibe right

14:51

away.

14:52

That's that synesthesia thing where it's

14:54

like I'm feeling even I can feel

14:56

this color even though I'm not seeing it.

14:58

And so you experienced that a lot. Yes,

15:01

So you're intuitive.

15:03

Do you think you're an into it or like, do you think you're

15:05

slightly psychic?

15:06

Like how would you categorize it?

15:08

So I think that's why

15:10

this book was really important for me, because I'm like,

15:13

this was an activation of

15:15

some sort and you

15:18

know there were very powerful moments. I

15:20

haven't had a lot of those moments consistently,

15:23

but I've had these experiences and I think

15:25

that there was an activation that happened.

15:28

But sometimes when it just gets stuck

15:30

in your lower chakras, you can pop into these

15:32

mystical experiences, but it's not actually regulated

15:35

and consistent. But the idea

15:37

is you have these moments of

15:40

inspiration or mysticism

15:42

and certain things, but unless you

15:44

really hone it and really

15:47

understand it and actually have a lot of integrity

15:50

with it, there is many

15:52

ways people can into it things

15:54

and be connected. But again

15:56

that integrity is so important. So as

15:58

this was happening and I wanted to share

16:01

this, I really wanted to like

16:03

share these experiences and know that I believe

16:05

that everybody has these gifts

16:07

and everybody has access

16:10

to it. But there are so many layers

16:13

of conditions and patterns

16:15

and belief systems and protective mechanisms

16:17

and all these things that we've built up

16:19

over our entire lives to survive.

16:22

Well, mostly ego too. I mean that's

16:24

the first enemy against any

16:26

of this, right.

16:27

Yeah, And obviously, like ego is

16:30

in the way that we see it is it's a

16:32

terrible thing. Like we don't want ego, but ego

16:34

is going to be with us the rest of our lives, so you better get

16:36

to know it and have a relationship with it. Otherwise

16:40

again, it's going to have the power over you if

16:42

you know, if you're just trying to avoid

16:44

it.

16:44

So, you know, finding all

16:47

of.

16:47

Those things, I was like, this

16:49

is within all of us, and so how do I make

16:52

this like a really fun, exciting,

16:55

joyful, transformational experience for

16:57

people to dive into. It doesn't feel so

16:59

intimidated as to reading

17:01

like a self help book or

17:04

like a book on spirituality, you

17:06

know, And like I was like, I just want

17:08

it to be like a fun story where

17:10

people can, like I don't know, have these

17:13

experiences that feel heightened.

17:16

So it feels like it's otherworldly but

17:18

grounded in the emotions and the

17:20

experiences that we universally

17:22

feel.

17:23

The character in your book, too, is an ex

17:25

Mormon, and I know I think you are ex

17:27

Mormon, right you still Mormon?

17:29

Are you like officially not Mormon or yeah?

17:31

I don't think I like officially like

17:34

denounced it.

17:34

I just stopped going.

17:36

But you know, my dad is still active

17:38

in the church. And none of my other siblings

17:40

or my.

17:40

Mom are not.

17:42

And who do you think, like so far in your

17:44

life has been your greatest teacher.

17:46

My greatest teacher.

17:48

I think my family system so like my

17:51

like, I'm I'm an observer.

17:52

I watch.

17:53

I'm the baby of the family.

17:54

You're the youngest of five, right, youngest of five?

17:57

Yeah, so you know, like we're

17:59

cut from the same cloth. We have

18:01

a lot of the same you know, wounds

18:04

and stuff. So I'm like, I'm watching how my

18:06

siblings behave or react to things,

18:08

or I see my mom. In fact, I had this

18:10

conversation with her back in twenty seventeen

18:13

when for years I

18:16

was like, my mom is so sensitive and she cries

18:18

at everything, and like, you know, like I had

18:20

this negative association with her.

18:22

I didn't think she was strong.

18:23

So I for a long time

18:26

looked down at my mom because I

18:28

was like, she's hyper sensitive,

18:30

she's emotional, she's she was very

18:32

manic when I was a kid in her expressions

18:36

and it was very unstable in

18:38

a way of like not feeling like consistent.

18:41

And so I remember having this conversation with

18:43

her. I was like, Mom, I was like, I'm so sorry,

18:45

Like I totally judged you because

18:48

it was the thing that like affected me.

18:50

But like, I realize I am actually

18:53

more like you than I want to admit. And

18:56

and the minute I actually like saw

18:58

her not the things that I didn't

19:00

love about her, but like the things that were challenging

19:02

for her, and I saw

19:04

her for that and recognize that that exists

19:06

in me. Also, I ended up falling in

19:08

love with my mom all over again, and

19:11

like as an adult and like, I'm

19:13

like so obsessed with my mom now. And

19:16

it's because I was so afraid to

19:18

see that that part existed in me too, and

19:21

I was scared of that that that part

19:23

could exist. But I'm like, but now that I

19:25

know that that exists, that's

19:27

not going to have the power over me. That's not going to be

19:29

my like, you know, my decision making

19:31

person underneath everything. I'm

19:33

going to make the choices now.

19:35

And I think that's very poignant about your

19:37

mom, because I think so many of us

19:40

forget to recognize

19:42

that our parents are people with

19:44

their own lives before we entered the picture,

19:47

and we don't see them like that until we get

19:49

old enough to gain some sort of perspective

19:52

and awareness that no, those

19:54

are people too. They're not just your parents,

19:57

they actually had their own histories.

20:00

I was mad at my parents for ever having a life before

20:02

me. I'm like, what this is it? I'm

20:04

it, you know, like even when I'm a date

20:06

man, when I was younger, if they had a girlfriend before

20:09

me, I'm like, fuck that shit.

20:10

You got to like erase her from your mind.

20:12

But this very immature way of thinking

20:14

about experiences, like

20:16

you're supposed to be the first experience that that

20:19

person's had. It's like that is not the way the world

20:21

works in it, And it is a very immature

20:23

way of thinking about your parents

20:25

in only their relationship to

20:27

you or in relation to you only. It's

20:29

like they have a whole world that you don't know about

20:32

before you came along.

20:33

So that's interesting to say.

20:35

Okay, on that note, we're going to take a break and we're going to be

20:37

right back and take some questions.

20:41

This week, we're looking for friendship conundrums.

20:44

If you've just been dealing with something in

20:46

your friendship and you're not sure how to navigate it,

20:48

write in for advice at Dear Chelsea podcast

20:51

at gmail dot com.

20:52

And we're back with Julianne Huff

20:54

and her new book Everything We Never Knew?

20:58

All right, are you ready to answer some questions?

21:00

I'm ready. That's just fun.

21:02

You guys appreciate it.

21:03

I think you're ready to therapize, Julietam.

21:05

I can tell you're going to be very good at this.

21:08

Is well.

21:09

Our first question comes from Anna. This

21:11

was just a write in, she says, Dear Chelsea,

21:14

you say and do whatever you want, never

21:16

wondering what others think.

21:17

Hah, that's what you think.

21:20

I wish I had your courage in my everyday life,

21:22

which brings me to my question. I'm going

21:25

to be starting a new job in June and most

21:27

recently became comfortable in my sexual identity.

21:30

I identify as bisexual. I'm

21:32

proud and happy and excited to start this journey,

21:34

and I want to share it with the world. The

21:36

one thing that holds me back is my job. The

21:39

label of being a bisexual is very taboo,

21:41

and people still think it must make you us lut.

21:44

I was wondering how soon I should come out

21:46

at work. I have so many rainbow

21:48

office supplies and decorations that I want to

21:50

have at my desk, but I'm worried if my coworkers

21:52

see it the last questions or just assume

21:54

I'm a lesbian. I live in the Midwest.

21:57

I just worry about the older generations staff who

21:59

aren't as open as the younger generation.

22:02

My workplace is making moves to be more

22:04

including to the LGBTQ plus

22:06

community, but the haters still be hating. You

22:08

know, how should I navigate unleashing

22:10

the gay as my friends call it, Anna.

22:13

Listen, I would.

22:14

My advice is always just to go full throttle

22:16

with who you are and make no apologies

22:18

about who you are. Because if you're saying

22:20

that your workplace, I don't know what she didn't

22:22

mention what kind of workplace it is, and.

22:24

I think it's like an office.

22:25

Frankly, it doesn't really fucking matter.

22:27

Because you're saying that they want to become

22:29

more LGBTQ friendly. I would take that

22:31

as a personal que to help them do that. And

22:34

you can have as much rainbow decoration around

22:36

your office as you want. And if you don't feel

22:38

like disclosing that personal information

22:40

because it is kind of personal, you don't have

22:42

any reason to say announce I'm bisexual,

22:45

nor should you be ashamed at all that you're bisexual.

22:48

But I like the idea of having

22:50

all your rainbow decorations your LGBTQ

22:52

support in the spirit of

22:55

I support this community and I want to

22:57

be loud about it. You don't have to identify

22:59

yourself if you don't owe anybody that explanation,

23:02

but it's a good way to be like, this is where

23:04

I stand. I'm welcoming to all

23:07

forms of sexuality and

23:09

identification genders, whatever

23:11

your preferences are.

23:13

This is the way forward.

23:14

This is the future, and I'm here to embrace

23:17

everybody, no matter what their belief systems,

23:19

and then everybody can figure out when they figure

23:21

out what they're going to figure out about you. But

23:23

you don't owe it would be like me going, oh, I had

23:25

sex last night with a man.

23:27

Nobody needs to know that, you know what I mean. That's

23:29

not appropriate anyway for the office.

23:31

But I also wouldn't lie about my sexual

23:33

orientation, you know what I mean. So

23:36

I would say, don't lie, but be very

23:38

forward. You can be demonstrative

23:40

about your support for the community. Yeah,

23:43

what do you think, Julianne.

23:44

You know, it kind of goes back to everything

23:47

I'm saying about trusting yourself and having

23:49

your own discernment, because for a long

23:51

time in my experiences, I

23:53

wanted so badly to be understood that

23:56

I shared everything because I

23:58

was like, but if they know me and they have text

24:00

and they know all the things, then they'll

24:02

know that I'm a good person. Or then they'll know

24:04

that you know, and then they'll accept me. But

24:07

if they don't know, I guess they'll never know. But

24:10

I realize not everybody needs to know everything.

24:12

As to your point, like, that's your private

24:14

information, how you want to express it. If

24:16

you want to express as a support

24:19

and just that's because that's how you live your

24:21

life, then you should absolutely do that. I also think

24:23

that when you start choosing yourself and

24:25

when you start choosing your community and you're

24:27

aligned in who you are, the

24:30

things that will stay will stay

24:32

intact that are aligned

24:35

in matching you, and the things that won't

24:37

be aligned will start falling apart. And that's

24:40

scary, it is, but that

24:42

will also set you free. So I'm not saying

24:44

you need to quit your job at

24:46

all if they're not going to accept being

24:49

and owning your power of who you are, easier

24:52

said than done. But you showing

24:54

up as your full self will also

24:57

give permission to maybe your coworkers

24:59

or your job to say,

25:01

oh, I actually never thought

25:04

that we actually had a safe place,

25:06

and now let's make it a safer place and

25:08

give them the opportunity to step up. Also,

25:11

so I think, at the end of the day, do

25:13

everything everybody's saying just as much

25:16

as you can be so so true

25:18

to yourself, and the world will

25:20

start either matching you or it

25:22

won't, and those will be your answers

25:24

where you should move into, which

25:27

directions next.

25:28

And I would also say to think of yourself

25:30

as like a thought leader. You have an opportunity.

25:33

You're going into a new job and

25:35

there are some older people that are more

25:37

traditional that aren't really up to speed.

25:40

That's an opportunity to show them

25:42

the way.

25:43

Yeah, they might ask questions, they

25:45

might be curious, and maybe you're the first

25:47

bisexual person that's in their life

25:49

and you know, they know they like you, so

25:51

maybe all this is great and it won't be

25:54

so scary to approach.

25:55

I feel like a lot of people judge what they don't understand,

25:57

and so there might be an opportunity

26:00

for you to be a really beautiful

26:03

like Chelsea said, like thought leader and like

26:05

educator without having to project

26:08

it. But just if people want to know. You're

26:10

so excited if you want to support your

26:12

community.

26:13

Also, the bisexual Pride flag is fantastic,

26:16

so maybe get one of those to add into the mix.

26:19

Yeah for it.

26:20

Well, our next question comes from

26:23

Jackie, and this is a bit of a doozy.

26:25

I'm very excited for jack Love, she

26:28

says.

26:28

Dear Chelsea, I need your help because

26:30

I have gotten myself into not just a

26:32

pickle, but a whole damn cucumber. I

26:35

pride myself on not getting involved in

26:37

work drama, but I'm a fool and have gotten

26:39

into some. A coworker of mine,

26:41

let's call her Jane, has been having a year

26:44

long affair with our coworker Tom. Tom

26:46

had a girlfriend of five years during their affair,

26:49

but he recently broke it off with his girlfriend

26:52

and is now single. A few weeks

26:54

ago, I go out to lunch with another coworker,

26:56

Sarah, and she tells me she's been sleeping

26:58

with Tom and he's all so slept

27:00

with yet another coworker, not Jane,

27:03

mind you. I became very close to Jane,

27:05

so afterward I text Tom and tell him

27:08

I know about the situation and I'll give him a few

27:10

days to come clean with Jane. I'm

27:12

a girls girl and I want to do right by my friend.

27:14

He texts me a long message bashing Sarah,

27:17

who she'd been out to lunch with. That really

27:19

bothers me, like you'll sleep with her, but

27:21

call her crazy, unstable, et cetera, and

27:23

claims they never hooked up during Jane's relationship.

27:26

Blah blah blah. He never tells

27:28

Jane, so several days later I do. It

27:30

goes horribly Oh shit.

27:33

Jane loses her.

27:34

Mind and I reach back out to Sarah

27:36

to get clarity on the timeline of their relationship.

27:38

It turns out their affair didn't overlap with Jane's,

27:41

but he had sent her some really sketchy texts

27:43

in recent months, saying she's the best

27:45

sex he's ever had, etc. I also

27:48

realized Sarah is a bit crazy and now thinks

27:50

she has strong feelings for Tom. It's on everything

27:52

she shared with me. Tom hates

27:54

me now, which is fine.

27:57

Sarah also now hates me and locked

28:00

me from contacting her.

28:01

But hello, we work together, so can

28:04

we be a little more mature.

28:06

Jane and I are very close, but now it's weird

28:08

because she loves Tom so much and doesn't seem to care

28:10

about how much of a liar he is. Let alone, he

28:12

might have hooked up with another girl, which he denies.

28:15

I reached out to Sarah to apologize, but she's

28:17

blocked me. She has every right to be mad, but blocking

28:19

feels extreme. Did I do the right

28:21

thing?

28:21

Here?

28:22

Where do I go from here?

28:23

My logic was telling Jane if the

28:25

situation was reversed, is that I'd want to know.

28:27

But I regret everything.

28:29

In hindsight, I would have kept my mouth shut, but

28:31

and let the chips fall where they fall. Jackie

28:34

and one terrible cucumber.

28:36

Oh, Hi Jackie, Hi

28:38

Jackie. That's so funny, like ask

28:40

this letter.

28:41

This is Julianne guests

28:44

today.

28:44

This is so cool.

28:48

It's so funny, Like as you're going through, like I always

28:50

tell everyone, tell on men, you know

28:52

what I mean, Always have a girl's back,

28:54

Always have a girl's back, right, But this is

28:56

such a convoluted situation that of

28:58

course a fucking backfe like it's

29:01

because no one's in a real relationship. Everyone's

29:03

just sleeping together, so there's no

29:06

commitment, right, that's being broken, Like

29:08

no one really.

29:08

Gives a shit. Yeah, and yet they do.

29:10

I mean they give a shit but no. But

29:13

I think it's really funny that you did

29:15

all this. Now everyone's mad at you. I

29:18

think you have to just give it a little bit of time, and

29:20

I think you should probably just leave

29:22

a letter on Sarah's desk or

29:25

and all of their desks and just

29:27

say, Okay, I learned my lesson. I

29:29

was an interloper. I should not have gotten

29:32

involved, and I'm really sorry.

29:34

I didn't mean any ill will. I just always

29:36

want to be there for women, and I

29:38

want to support women and make sure that they are

29:40

aware of everything that's going on.

29:42

My intention was never to destroy our friendship.

29:45

I hope that you can forgive me, you

29:47

know what I mean, Just come from a place of supporting

29:49

women, because that's really where you were coming from.

29:52

Yeah, that's fully it.

29:54

I did reach out to Sarah and write

29:56

her like kind of the letter, but didn't go into

29:58

all those details.

30:00

Still blocked me. I did shoot her a Venmo

30:02

request.

30:03

I gave her five dollars on Venmo privately

30:06

to be like, hey, if you want to talk, like, would

30:08

love to Still blocked me, hates me,

30:10

like, wants nothing to do with me.

30:13

So I'm just kind of leaving it alone.

30:16

Yeah, leave it alone. Leave it alone

30:18

for a while. You have to give it like a month

30:20

or two, you know what I mean. If she's pissed like that, then

30:22

she needs time to calm down, and she will, she

30:25

will calm down. Everybody just needs like a month

30:27

or two. Some people need longer and some people

30:29

need a shorter amount of time. But don't be annoying

30:31

or like a pest about it. Just give

30:33

her some space. When someone asks for space, give

30:35

them double Yeah.

30:36

Good call, good call.

30:38

So do you think I shouldn't have gotten involved at all

30:40

in the first place?

30:41

I mean, it sounds like this guy is

30:43

just fucking his way through the office, So like you

30:46

know what I mean, Yeah, your next block, your

30:48

Pikachu if.

30:49

You don't want any action.

30:51

But I mean no, I respect that you wanted

30:53

to get involved and tell these girls, but

30:56

it just doesn't seem like anyone. I mean, he's

30:58

in a relationship now, he's out of a relationship.

31:01

Jane. Is she in a relationship or she's just in a

31:03

relationship with him?

31:04

Jane and Thomas trying to

31:06

be in one whatever that

31:08

means.

31:09

They're trying to be together.

31:10

Okay, well, don't be so judgy about

31:13

that because I can see your judgment. Maybe

31:15

they will be together and then, you know what I

31:17

mean, So you have to accept your responsibility.

31:20

I don't know if you made a mistake. It sounds like you

31:22

kind of did, like you got too involved

31:24

with everybody. But I probably would

31:26

have advised you to do the same thing, because I

31:29

want to be a girl's girl too, Like I don't want women

31:31

being lied to in my presence. I don't like it, and

31:33

I will always tell women the truth.

31:35

Yeah, And the thing is, like, at the end of the day, everyone's

31:38

really upset with Tom. This

31:40

is sort of misdirected anger at you.

31:42

But only did was take the lid off of it.

31:44

I was gonna say that.

31:45

I mean, I feel like when people

31:48

need that space, they're trying to process

31:50

like oh I feel embarrassed or I feel

31:52

like I've done something wrong now

31:54

even though like this wasn't my fault,

31:57

but now now the office knows or

31:59

now other people know, and so letting

32:02

them calm down and figure

32:04

out what they're feeling and processing. Also,

32:06

it's probably just you know, projection of

32:09

everybody's own experiences

32:11

of like do I get involved do I not and get involved

32:14

judging is this the right thing or the wrong

32:16

thing? That's not for anybody to decide.

32:18

Obviously, you want to be there for your friends and the

32:20

people around you, and also

32:23

like people are going to make their own choices.

32:25

And I always say this. I'm like, I

32:27

like try to lead the witness instead

32:30

of telling them what's happening

32:32

them, Like, I'll always be like, so, how

32:34

do you feel about committed partnership

32:37

and what is your relationship?

32:39

What do you guys do?

32:40

Like what do you you and Tom do during

32:43

your dates?

32:44

What kind of conversations you have?

32:45

Like I always try to ask questions so that they

32:47

can find the answer for themselves versus,

32:50

you know, sharing like, ah, this is what's

32:52

happening. I see this because that's

32:55

my viewpoint of what's right and what's

32:57

wrong versus you know, letting

32:59

them discover that.

33:01

Yeah, that's that's a good call out. I've been Jane

33:05

and Tom since the start of their

33:07

affair, and I was supportive

33:10

and not judgy as much as I could

33:12

be, with kind of nudging like you said,

33:14

but just seeing how it's all progressed and

33:16

how messy it's gotten me more involved

33:18

and I'm like, okay, I need to stalk well.

33:20

And by the way, it's not fair for you to also like

33:22

have this information, so I

33:25

agree, like always

33:27

have your friends back and support

33:29

your women, because also it's not

33:31

fair that you have this information.

33:33

What do you do with it?

33:34

You know?

33:35

Yeah, I would also just have

33:37

a sense of humor about this whole situation. Yeah,

33:40

oh yeah, don't take it so seriously, Like

33:42

I understand it's kind of a bummer.

33:43

That three people aren't talking to you at work, but

33:46

hopefully you have some other friends there, and

33:49

just make it a joke. You fucked up,

33:52

you were being a nosy nelly or whatever, you

33:54

know, take the blame for yourself you can

33:56

afford to.

33:57

And it's true what Julianne just said.

33:58

Anyone who like, you know, and you're dating a guy and

34:00

you find out, oh, we had sex with somebody else in the office,

34:02

Like that's embarrassing. That's embarrassing to your

34:05

friends because you want your friends to know that he respects

34:07

you and that he loves you, and then he just broke up with his five year

34:09

girlfriend for you or whatever the case may

34:11

be.

34:12

So just have a sense of.

34:13

Humor about it and let some time pass

34:16

and don't be on them to

34:18

clear the air so quickly.

34:19

Just let them have some space.

34:21

Yeah, I mean since then, so the

34:24

Jane and me are like cool, We're

34:26

good.

34:26

It's weird, but we're cool. I'm just like keeping

34:28

my business, minding my business.

34:30

Mom and me had some heated texts

34:33

and then like we haven't really spoken

34:35

since, so I'm just gonna kind of leave.

34:36

Him alone and let uh huh be normal.

34:39

Right, And then with Sarah, I'm just

34:41

gonna like leave her alone entirely, yeah,

34:43

and.

34:44

Just let her, I guess maybe

34:46

come to terms with it.

34:47

But like she really hates me, Like even

34:49

on email thread she'll put me like last, and

34:51

I'm like, okay, this is really petty.

34:53

But sure.

34:55

Yeah, well, I mean you did go out to lunch with her,

34:57

she confided in you, and then you went and told everybody

34:59

no, So like you have to take

35:01

responsibility for that, you know what I mean?

35:04

Yeah? Do you think it's wild?

35:06

Though?

35:06

It's been a month and she won't hear me

35:08

out like I feel like in my normal experiences,

35:11

people at least eventually hear you out.

35:13

They will they when they calm down, they

35:15

calm down.

35:16

There is no time limit, Like, you can't assign that

35:18

time limit for her. She will calm

35:20

down at some point, but if you're needling her

35:22

and getting in and trying to get it's not

35:24

going to work.

35:25

So you just have to get give her extra

35:27

space.

35:28

And there will be an opportunity that will

35:30

present itself where you could do something nice for her

35:32

around the office, or a favor

35:35

for her, or you know, just in

35:37

that moment. Take that opportunity when

35:39

it arises, and don't expect

35:41

anything in return, you know, just

35:43

to soften the ice.

35:45

Yeah, I mean, if this were me

35:47

in misposition, I would probably do a

35:50

very very like short and sweet,

35:52

I fucked up, Take your time whatever

35:54

you need, and like leave it and then just

35:57

let go of the grip that you're wanting

35:59

to like make us right, because

36:02

she can feel that a mile away, you

36:04

know, like she can feel the wold of like you're desperate

36:07

trying to reconnect and nobody,

36:09

nobody wants to have that feeling. So

36:12

let go let it be and see what

36:14

happens. Trust trust that it will come if

36:16

it needs to.

36:17

And the other thing to remember is everything

36:21

comes back around. Yeah, your

36:23

relationship with her, there will be an opportunity

36:25

that circles back in your direction to

36:28

repair whatever happened.

36:30

You just have to trust that because that's the way the

36:32

world works.

36:33

Yeah, that's what I'm hopeful for because my intentions

36:35

were peer here. So eventually I think the dust

36:37

will settle. But like I guess moving forward,

36:40

would you, as you say, like tell on men,

36:42

but like do we tell them?

36:43

Do?

36:44

I just like now I'm like, I would

36:46

only do this for my best best best best

36:48

best friend.

36:49

I don't know how to do this anymore.

36:51

No, I mean I think you, I think you learned

36:53

a valuable lesson because it's like you

36:56

didn't have all the facts.

36:57

They didn't sleep together, it didn't overlap, you

36:59

know.

36:59

I mean, it's all just very kind of torrid

37:02

office gossip.

37:03

So it's not like your friend.

37:05

Was married and you knew her husband was having an affair

37:08

for several years. That's a more serious

37:10

offense than an office relationship.

37:13

And then now they're together and he's he's

37:15

left his girlfriend. So I just

37:17

think you should really like think carefully

37:19

when you intervene on those things. But

37:22

yeah, and since you had this experience, maybe take

37:24

a break for a while.

37:27

Well that's silly part too, Okay, not the before

37:30

me telling Jane, I did pull like

37:32

a select group of my friends who are very

37:34

removed from the situation and.

37:36

Don't know, and they're like, you have to tell her, you have to

37:38

tell her. I was like, are you all fucking sure?

37:39

Like, I don't know if I want to tell her, but

37:42

they all encourage me to, so clearly,

37:44

people have a lot of thoughts about this.

37:46

So yeah, And I always think when you

37:48

tell someone something, it it's better to be anonymous

37:51

as well, so that you don't

37:53

have to It's like, there's

37:55

that site where you're going to sign up for anonymous

37:57

coworker dot com and send an email

37:59

like your breath smells your fucking

38:01

your heart and I know you fart, Like you

38:04

can always send it an honest email, and that way

38:06

you don't have to fucking worry about telling the

38:08

truth because it's it's just out there.

38:10

You told them, and you don't it's not on you.

38:13

Yeah, a good call. I haven't

38:15

looked into that.

38:16

Yeah. And then today you have a great cocktail party

38:18

story.

38:19

Yeah,

38:21

all right, thanks so much, Jackie.

38:23

Let us know how it all shakes out.

38:24

Okay, this is been awesome.

38:26

Thank you guys, Bye bye.

38:30

It's funny too, like tell some First

38:32

of all.

38:32

It's so fucked up to go and tell

38:34

someone a secret, and then I have them

38:37

fucking tell everyone the next day.

38:39

It's like, wait, that's not girl

38:41

power either. She's

38:44

like she's girl power for one girl, but not for

38:47

one And she was like mad

38:49

at the guy for like calling this girl crazy.

38:51

And then she's like, but she.

38:51

Might be crazy. Yeah, I know, yeah.

38:54

Blocked on Venmo I think is my favorite. Like Petty,

38:57

that's like.

38:57

I don't even want your money.

39:05

Well, our next caller is Nicole.

39:08

She is thirty eight.

39:10

She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm

39:12

recently separated from my husband of almost five

39:14

years. I was over the marriage about two

39:16

years ago, but never pulled the trigger. I'm

39:18

not sure that we should have ever been married in the first

39:20

place. There were kind of red flags all over the

39:22

place. I truly feel

39:25

that things and people are put into your life when you need

39:27

them. Your podcast included I

39:29

met a guy through a hobby and he was the reason

39:31

I finally decided to leave the marriage. Not

39:34

because I wanted to date him, but because I wanted to have

39:36

the option to date him or anyone else

39:38

if the opportunity presented itself, if

39:40

that makes sense. Four months later, we

39:42

are dating. I'm still legally married.

39:44

I don't have any intentions on divorcing within

39:47

the next year for insurance reasons, but

39:49

I am one hundred percent done.

39:51

Is that fair to my ex and this new guy.

39:53

I recently found out that the new guy is still talking

39:55

to someone that he used to date, who quote broke

39:57

his heart, and is it fair for me to ask him

39:59

to stop talking to her. I want to be official

40:02

with this new guy, but I'm having a hard time with the fact

40:04

that I'm still married on paper, and

40:06

it wouldn't be fair to ask him to stop talking to her

40:08

because I'm still married. I also

40:10

don't know if the feelings I have are because

40:12

it's new and exciting and what my marriage

40:14

had been missing for years, or if they're real. I

40:17

truly want to be single after our separation,

40:19

but the situationship is so refreshing.

40:21

Sincerely, Nicole, Hi.

40:23

Nicole, Hi, Hi,

40:26

This is Julianne Half, our special guest today.

40:28

Hello to meet Nicole.

40:30

Thanks to meet you too.

40:31

Well, it sounds like two different situations, like you're

40:34

done with your ex husband. That's pretty clear. Regardless

40:36

of whether you're still officially married. I don't think

40:38

that's really relevant because you're

40:40

working towards not being married.

40:42

Correct event Ulie, not anytime

40:45

soon?

40:46

But because why insurance?

40:49

Oh okay, well, but that's fine. That's

40:51

just like a I have a question.

40:52

Are you separated? And does your husband

40:55

technically know that you

40:58

have a relationship not legally

41:00

separated.

41:01

He's out of the house. Okay, he knows

41:03

that we're separated, but you've.

41:05

Made like a verbal declaration

41:08

that you guys are separated and that

41:11

you are dating other people, et cetera.

41:13

He doesn't know I'm dating other people.

41:15

Okay, Okay, Well, I just want to give

41:17

the facts before we get know.

41:19

I like your investigative work.

41:20

An he didn't want the divorce,

41:23

and I feel like there's no reason

41:25

to kick him while he's down.

41:27

I guess, you know, and let him

41:30

know that I'm seeing somebody else already.

41:32

Well, that's judgment on your end, by the way

41:34

you whether you're seeing somebody or not, there's

41:38

a choice in that, and you don't have to judge

41:40

that. Also, the second thing I will say

41:43

is, even though it's hurtful for somebody

41:45

to hear something, clarity

41:47

is the best thing that you can give somebody,

41:49

because the not knowing but feeling

41:52

something is much

41:54

more disheartening. And clarity,

41:57

even though it can be painful to hear in the moment

42:00

who it is a blessing. So I'm

42:02

just going to drop that first before we get into

42:04

the details.

42:05

I couldn't agree with that more.

42:07

I think you think when you're protecting somebody, you're

42:09

actually usually doing more damage.

42:11

He's not a child, he's an adult.

42:13

You're getting a divorce, and the quicker

42:15

he knows that you're moving on to someone else, the quicker

42:17

he's going to be able to process that

42:20

and get over the relationship ending, and

42:23

you too.

42:23

You know, I don't see him processing though.

42:26

I mean we talked about therapy,

42:28

never did therapy. He

42:30

wasn't a communicator. He was like,

42:33

would ignore me for days when something bothered

42:36

him. So I don't

42:38

know how he would process it. And his mother

42:40

passed away in May, so

42:42

that kind of threw a curveball and in everything.

42:45

So it's like, I don't want to tell you I'm

42:47

dating after your mom just passed

42:49

away, and after I wanted this divorce.

42:52

You know, we never told He never told his parents

42:55

that we separated before his mom passed

42:57

away, so kind

42:59

of a blessing in disguise, you know afterwards,

43:02

because she didn't know. But he just

43:04

doesn't talk.

43:06

Well, and there's a reason why you're wanting to get

43:08

a divorce, and you're not responsible for

43:10

him, and as you're separating, you're

43:12

you're moving to be less responsible

43:15

for him.

43:16

So even though.

43:18

You're dating somebody else and moving

43:20

this direction, you're still taking care of

43:22

his emotions and what he needs

43:24

when that's why you're leaving the really

43:27

not why you're leaving the relationship, but that's

43:29

not your responsibility anymore. And he's

43:32

going to have to deal with things when people

43:34

die, When certain things happen, life continues

43:37

to happen, and it's on that person

43:39

to figure out how they're going to show up and deal

43:41

with that. But the clarity is key.

43:44

I will just say that hands down.

43:46

Well, So back to one of the other questions

43:48

in the letter, though, should I figure out

43:50

what this new relationship

43:52

is before I'd throw

43:54

that out there or it's like it's going to happen regardless

43:57

of just get it over with.

43:59

Well, you mentioned that the guy that you're seeing

44:01

is talking to his ex, right,

44:04

Yes, in what.

44:05

Kind of context do you know?

44:07

I don't know.

44:08

No.

44:09

I think what you should focus on just

44:11

hearing you talk and all of us being together

44:14

right now is cleaning

44:16

up your side of the street. I don't think you should

44:18

worry about what your new boyfriend is doing. How

44:21

to categorize or qualify this

44:23

new relationship. I think you have

44:25

to be very forthright and use

44:28

this as like a stepping stone to become

44:30

the newer, better version of you. That

44:32

means being honest with your ex husband.

44:35

His mom died in May. She didn't die yesterday.

44:37

People have to deal with stuff. Everything Julianna

44:40

is saying is spot on and I couldn't

44:42

agree more. And you have to

44:44

use this opportunity to grow as a human being.

44:47

You don't have to have a label for what

44:49

your relationship is now. You know you're interested

44:51

in him, you know you like him, and

44:53

you know it bothers you that he's talking to his ex.

44:55

Take those things one at a time, you know, first,

44:58

deal with your ex husband so that you have a clean

45:00

area to play in where you're like, okay, you don't

45:02

have to feel guilty about.

45:04

Dating someone or seeing someone.

45:05

Then you can go to this guy and say,

45:07

Okay, now that we're in this new thing, how

45:09

many months has this been going on with this new guy?

45:12

Pretty much right after my husband moved out,

45:14

so four months?

45:15

Four months? Great?

45:16

You could say, listen, I'm having feelings for you. I'm

45:19

not sure where this is headed, but I do have

45:21

feelings for you. I've let my husband know that I'm

45:23

singing you where are you?

45:25

Like?

45:25

Where? Or do you stan? How? I know

45:27

you're talking to your ex? What is that about? Is

45:29

that something that is?

45:30

It might be be rekindling, like let's just

45:32

be honest as possible with each other, and

45:34

that way no one gets that hurt. It's

45:37

the dancing around subjects and not wanting

45:39

to deal with conflict that

45:41

creates conflict.

45:43

Yeah, there is one other element too.

45:45

I think totally agreeing that clarity is

45:47

the right thing here. And

45:50

I think your ex may have some

45:52

questions about like where did you meet this person?

45:54

How long have you been seeing each other, etc. And

45:56

I don't think that you owe him those

45:58

details. I think you can just say, like,

46:01

I'm seeing other people, I'm moving on, I'm

46:03

starting to date. I wouldn't give him

46:06

the you know, the the question

46:08

marks of like were they hooking up while we were

46:10

still together, when she was doing her hobby, et cetera,

46:12

et cetera. You know, you can just leave it out like

46:15

a no. When he asks those questions,

46:17

you know, those sort of investigative

46:19

questions.

46:20

Do you think it's appropriate to be staying

46:23

with my married to my husband just for

46:25

insurance?

46:26

I think that's a question that like, it

46:29

depends on your family at some point.

46:31

Obviously you do need to make that break.

46:33

But you guys have kids together, right,

46:35

No?

46:36

I have two kids from a previous okay

46:39

relationship, but his insurance does

46:41

cover them. What do you feel I

46:44

feel like I've put

46:46

up with a lot from him through our marriage

46:49

that I deserve to keep

46:51

the insurance. But my therapist

46:53

and my mother do not feel that way.

46:55

Do you think that if you're at honest with him about

46:58

you seeing other people, he's going to ex but this

47:00

divorce and that you were going to lose the insurance.

47:03

I feel like he would be vindictive in a way

47:05

and do it just to

47:08

get off of the insurance.

47:10

Yeah, I still wouldn't

47:12

allow that to prevent you from being

47:14

honest.

47:15

Do you have a job, do you have the ability

47:17

to get your own insurance.

47:18

I do, but his is just great insurance.

47:21

He doesn't pay for it, and I've met my

47:23

out of pocket deductibles in my MAX for

47:25

the year, so that's the big reason. So now

47:27

it's like, oh, now I

47:29

can get my therapy paid for. Now

47:32

I can go and get all the

47:34

other stuff I need done.

47:35

And yeah, I hear that, but it's

47:37

manipulative. He may not cut

47:39

you off as your insurance. You might be surprised by

47:41

his reaction. It's just like Catherine

47:43

said, just say I'm seeing

47:45

this as this is a separation and

47:48

that we are moving towards divorce at some

47:50

point.

47:51

And we don't have to do that right away.

47:52

We don't have to decide right away, but I want you to know that

47:55

I'm seeing people and let's see

47:57

what happens with him. I don't think your happiness

47:59

is worth the insurance in

48:02

the long run. I understand what you're saying, but

48:04

there's other avenues for you.

48:06

It's not like this is the only avenue.

48:08

I would add to that too with the insurance.

48:10

And I don't know your relationship

48:13

or the dynamic of who he is either, but

48:15

like at least present the option

48:18

so that they have a choice to react

48:20

how they want to react, and maybe

48:23

saying like, you know, part of us being

48:25

separated is the

48:27

direction that we're heading. But I'm

48:30

really concerned about the insurance because this

48:33

is an amazing thing, and would

48:35

you be willing to continue the

48:37

insurance until the end of the year

48:39

until I can figure something out, you know, like presenting

48:43

something as like, hey, this is something

48:45

that is really valuable for me and

48:48

in this next transition and chapter

48:51

for us, and like this is really helpful.

48:53

Can we talk about this and

48:56

the insurance as like its own conversation

49:00

and then the clarity of moving

49:02

forward and I am seeing someone or

49:04

other people that's its own conversation too.

49:07

I don't think you have to blend the two, but

49:09

I think that saying we're moving into different

49:11

directions, but in this transition and

49:13

working and obviously you know this

49:16

is great for me and reaching a deductible

49:18

and all these things like this is super helpful. Can

49:21

we talk about what that looks like moving forward?

49:23

Again, I don't know your husband, so I

49:25

don't know how he will respond to that, but that would

49:28

be the like, I am not going to

49:30

give my power to someone else and

49:33

just stay there because of safety and

49:35

also I'm not going to bend

49:37

over backwards to get what I need

49:39

because clearly, like you are

49:42

a capable human being, you can find

49:44

ways to find insurance and all

49:46

those things. Like we are so much more capable

49:49

than we give ourselves credit for. So I'm

49:51

not worried about you at all to find that. But

49:54

there is like a you know, a safety and knowing

49:56

that this already exists, So let's just have a

49:58

conversation about it.

50:00

Yeah, and give him the truth of the matter.

50:02

It's not cool to make decisions for other people

50:04

by keeping information from them. Give him

50:06

all the information and then let him decide

50:08

how he wants to proceed, and he'll he may

50:11

surprise you and be like, Okay,

50:13

of course, I'll give you to the end of the year for your insurance.

50:15

This is good for me to know.

50:16

It's hurtful and it's painful, but I'm glad

50:18

that you were honest with me. You can't beat honesty.

50:22

You're gonna have to deal with it at some point anyway,

50:24

so might as well do it now before

50:27

it gets over with haangled, well, before it gets

50:29

more entangled and more painful for.

50:30

Both of you. Yeah, Yeah, it's time you

50:33

so go woman up to the situation. Okay,

50:35

we'll be all right. Thank you, Nicole,

50:37

Okay, thank you, Nicole, thank you.

50:40

All Right, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back to

50:42

wrap up, and

50:47

we're back with Julianne Huff.

50:49

I knew you'd be perfect at this. Julianne,

50:51

you know this.

50:52

Is great with strangers.

50:54

You know, this is usually just me and my sister.

50:56

And my mom.

50:58

I know.

51:00

I sometimes have my sisters on the podcast

51:02

to give advice too, because I'm like, they're like, you're

51:05

you're always fucking yelling at us. We want to yell at

51:07

some people. Come on, Juliane,

51:09

congrats on your book. It's called Everything

51:11

We Never Knew, And you've

51:14

been wonderful and I loved bumping into

51:16

you as briefly as I did when we were on a plane

51:18

a few weeks ago. I hope I bump

51:20

into you more often. And thank you so much

51:22

for being with us.

51:23

Oh my gosh, thank you both so much. Catherine,

51:26

Chelsea, you guys are amazing, and I truly

51:28

like, I'm grateful for what you're doing because

51:30

having these conversations just allows for

51:33

i don't know, taking the charge away for

51:36

what you know, is scary. And

51:38

when you can have a conversation with a bunch of women

51:41

and feel supported even though we don't

51:43

know each other, it's like it's pretty great.

51:45

So all these women that just called in, like

51:49

we're all in this like weird, crazy human

51:51

life experience together and just focus

51:54

on being you, like finding

51:56

and trusting yourself and being honest and integral

51:59

with yourself. Well everything else will.

52:01

Just show up.

52:02

Just ye get there first. Yeah,

52:05

that's what the book's about too.

52:06

Yeah.

52:07

Absolutely, Okay, take care,

52:09

Julianna, all right, thank you both.

52:11

Day, have a great day, by my

52:13

life. Okay.

52:14

So upcoming shows that I have you

52:16

guys. August seventeenth is

52:19

the Santa Barbara Bowl.

52:20

You do not want to miss that.

52:21

And then I will be all over

52:23

Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina,

52:26

Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming

52:28

to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas

52:30

City, and then I will be in Las

52:32

Vegas performing at the Chelsea

52:34

Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My

52:37

first three dates in Vegas are September first,

52:40

Labor Day weekend, and then November two and

52:42

November thirtieth.

52:43

I'm coming to.

52:44

Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater

52:47

on November eighth, and

52:49

I have tickets on sale throughout

52:51

the end of the year in December,

52:53

so if you're in a city like

52:56

Philadelphia or Bethlehem or

52:58

San Diego or New Orleans or

53:00

Omaha, check Chelsea handler dot

53:02

com for tickets.

53:03

Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea,

53:05

shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast

53:08

at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone

53:10

number. Dear Chelsea is edited

53:12

and engineered by Brad Dickert executive

53:14

producer Catherine Law and be sure to check

53:16

out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.