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to Breakdown to Breakthrough, the podcast

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that empowers you to transform

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your life by awakening to your

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true authentic self. I'm Lisa

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Aromano, your host. As an award

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-winning author and certified life coach,

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I've dedicated my life to

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helping others understand the incredible power

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of an organized mind. I

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believe that true empowerment begins with

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awakening to our false self.

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I created the Conscious Healing Academy,

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a three -part coaching and brain

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retraining program designed to help

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individuals triumph over trauma and turn

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their breakdowns into powerful breakthroughs.

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My mission is to support

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you on your journey toward

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mental and emotional regeneration through

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conscious and deliberate awakening. In

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this podcast, I'll share insights,

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tools, and transformative stories that

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illuminate the path to healing

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and self -discovery. So

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today we're going to be talking

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about narcissists, why they lie

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and what we can do about it. And

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so let's get a couple of

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things straight. Narcissism is about

1:06

lying and narcissism is about

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the need to flee

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from this fractured sense

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of self, this shame, this

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pit of shame that we feel

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within our being. So when we are

1:20

a narcissist, we think in

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very... black and white realities and

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we have these realities of

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others as well as ourselves So

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if I am a narcissist I

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see myself as either all

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good and amazing or all bad and

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I mean really bad and so

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what neuroscientists have figured out

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is that Narcissists actually, when

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they lie, the amygdala is

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suppressed. The amygdala is responsible

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for the fight -or -flight response in

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our bodies. And so lying

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to a narcissist is actually calming.

1:52

It has this anesthetic effect, if

1:54

you will. So

1:56

narcissism is should, or in

1:58

my opinion, should be understood as

2:00

the need to lie. And

2:02

when we understand, when we're dealing with

2:04

the narcissist, that their brain

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is wired to seek pleasure in the

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form of lying. And

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so not lying or telling the

2:13

truth is associated with pain.

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Because if I tell the truth,

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I lose control. If

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I tell the truth, then I'm not this

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amazing person that I need you to be

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in order for me to survive my reality.

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And so I have to lie to you. And

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I need you as a

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source of narcissistic supply because

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lying to you allows me

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an arena. That's

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why social media is so profound

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these days when it comes to

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narcissism because there are so many

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ways for a narcissist to infiltrate

2:45

and to receive this glory that

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they seek, this reflection. So

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narcissism is about needing you to

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reflect back this sense of enoughness, this

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sense of I'm amazingness, right? So

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I'm better than everybody and I need

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you to think that I'm better

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than everybody and I need to think

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that I'm better than everybody because

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I need to find a way to

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stay away from this pit of

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shame within me. And so I need

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you. I need to lie. I

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need to create this fantasy, this grandiose

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fantasy in my head. And the fantasy

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could be that I am the biggest

3:20

victim in the room. The

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fantasy could be that even though I'm cheating

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on you, you know, I cheat on you

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because I had a shitty childhood. I cheat

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on you because my father beat me. I

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cheat on you because I watched my mother

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cheat on my father. You

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know, when I cheat on you, I'm not concerned

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about how that makes you feel, right?

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So in the world of a narcissist,

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when a narcissist does something

3:44

that is, you know, wrong

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or morally or ethically inappropriate

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within the context of a

3:50

relationship, they may be able to

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say, yeah, I cheated, but it's I cheated because. You

3:55

know, playing off your sympathies, wanting

3:57

you to see them as a victim.

3:59

In their head, they don't see

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themselves as a person who hurt you.

4:04

In their head, they see themselves as

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a victim. This is why

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narcissism is so complex and is so

4:11

psychologically abusive. And we need to talk

4:13

about it. We need to understand ourselves.

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We need to understand what we're dealing

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with, right? Once you know you're dealing

4:19

with, then you can play with it,

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then you have some control over it.

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But until you know what you're playing

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with, you are lost in a world

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of gaslighting. And you can stay there

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for years, you can stay there for

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a lifetime. And so we

4:34

understand that narcissism is about the need to

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lie. We understand that

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narcissism is about splitting, stark

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black and white thinking, where

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they themselves see themselves as either

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amazing or... Terrible. I mean, awful. You

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know, the worst people that ever

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roamed the face of the earth. The

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other problem is that they also see us

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that way. And so when you

4:56

confront a narcissist, if you

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are not projecting back how wonderful you

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think they are or how much a

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victim you think they are, if you're

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not catering to them and their version

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of themselves, guess what? You get thrown

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into the junk pile. And

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because you threaten their ability

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to stay in control, you

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now become a target. They can

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become vindictive. This is when the smear

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campaigns start. This is when they

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lie about you. This is when they

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distort reality. This is where they

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actually make up stories. So there are

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facts that can back up your

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reality. But in the world of a

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narcissist, those facts don't exist. They

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will literally concoct a story about you

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and about the situation that did

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not happen. And so some

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of the things that narcissists will lie

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about is they'll lie about loving you.

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They'll say things like, I never loved

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anyone as much as I loved you.

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I love you. I never felt this

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way before. So they'll love bomb you.

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I would never hurt you. I don't

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have it in me to cheat. I

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would never hit you. I

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would never psychologically abuse you. You

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can rely on me. All

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of these fantasy type lies

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that cause you to want

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to believe in the future

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fantasy that the narcissist is

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constructing. This is part of their

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hook. This is part of their allure. This is part

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of their love bombing. And you,

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as a rational person, when you receive this

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information, I would never do this to you.

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I would never hurt you. You,

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that's you. They're mirroring you. They

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know you would never hurt them,

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which is why they targeted you

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in the first place. So when

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you hear someone else replay your

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own feelings, it feels right. Why

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wouldn't you believe this person? You don't know

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that you're being groomed. You're being groomed. and

6:41

love bombed. You don't know that this person

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is grooming you. What you'll

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notice throughout the relationship is

6:47

shift blaming. So let's

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say you catch the narcissist cheating

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on you. The narcissist might

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say something like, well, it's not cheating

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because the other person wasn't married. Or,

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you know, well, you were out

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working till midnight and I felt

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horny. And so I wanted to

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get laid. What's the big deal?

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I don't even remember her name.

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So it's shift blaming somehow it's

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your fault that this person got

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up at midnight and went and

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had sex with someone else or

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Well, it's only cheating if I

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paid her It's only cheating if

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I went to see a prostitute

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or it's not cheating if I

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went to see a prostitute It's

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not cheating if I go to

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massage parlors and I have happy

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happy endings So it's not cheating

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if you knew that we were

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we had a fight that day

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It's cheating if you thought that

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I was happy with you. So

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it's all this backwards, crazy -making communication.

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They play off your sympathies, they play the

7:47

victim, they turn the

7:49

tables on you, and you end

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up feeling like completely lost

7:54

in this quagmire. Nothing makes

7:56

sense. And that's why it's

7:58

important to have these conversations and to understand

8:00

what is, understand

8:02

why narcissists lie, and

8:04

to even understand the neurology behind

8:06

it, understanding that a narcissist's brain

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is actually in a state of

8:10

relaxation when lying, because they're able

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to feel a sense of control

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over their internal dialogue, their internal

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shame, their internal wounds that have

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not been resolved. They

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are not able to be self -reflective,

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so they're not looking inside of themselves,

8:25

trying to turn over every leaf, trying to figure

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out what's wrong with them. No, that's not what

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they're doing. They're living in a

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world of victimhood. they're living in

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a world of fantasy, and in their

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world they are grandiose to every

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extreme, and so if there is a

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victim in the room it is

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not you, even if they have victimized

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you, and this is really important

8:46

information. And so I

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just hope that this short podcast

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on not lying and narcissism

8:53

and shift blaming and why narcissists

8:55

lie has helped you to

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better understand what you might be

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dealing with. That's it for

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today, dear ones. Namaste. Until next

9:03

time.