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gift. I was

1:13

thinking about a

1:15

couple of people

1:18

through this and

1:20

wishing they were

1:22

listening. Welcome to

1:24

Literally Today, Mel

1:26

Robbins is on the

1:28

program. An amazing self-help

1:31

sounds so generic. I hate

1:33

to use it, but the help

1:35

that she gives on her

1:37

podcast, Mel Robbins podcast,

1:40

is amazing. She's given one

1:42

of the most viral TED

1:44

Talks ever. She has a

1:46

new book called The Let

1:48

Them Theory about how we

1:51

can navigate life in a

1:53

way. to have some peace and

1:55

some sanity and to

1:57

get out of the result. of

1:59

life and the fears of what

2:02

if and what if and what

2:04

if I don't and don't I

2:06

have to and all that stuff.

2:09

She's a brilliant communicator and we're

2:11

gonna have something actually actionable that

2:13

we can use when we're done

2:15

with this talk. How am I

2:18

today? By the way, that's a

2:20

very hedged answer. What do you

2:22

mean? We're starting out with, it's

2:25

like, usually it's just great and

2:27

then it unravels. Oh no, I'm

2:29

always unraveling. I'm always unraveling. I

2:32

love the, do you know that

2:34

things where you go, how are

2:36

you, and do it on a

2:38

scale from one to 10, but

2:41

you got to throw out to

2:43

seven? Oh, oh, I love that.

2:45

Right, because everybody picks a seven,

2:48

you don't have to commit. There's

2:50

a big difference between being a

2:52

six and an eight. No shit.

2:54

Oh, it's giving me the shivers.

2:57

Thinking about it. Well, I love

2:59

it because it makes you choose

3:01

whether you're tipping positive or you're

3:04

tipping a little negative. And I

3:06

started to notice my kids always

3:08

would choose a seven. And then

3:10

if I pulled the seven out,

3:13

they typically go down to a

3:15

six or they stop and consider

3:17

and they go, oh, well, actually,

3:20

it's an eight. And I would

3:22

say today. Today I'm like a

3:24

nine or a ten actually good.

3:26

I feel I'm right there with

3:29

you. I'm going I'm I'm I'm

3:31

going with eight plus. Oh, I'll

3:33

take it. Oh all day long

3:36

all day long, right, especially at

3:38

our age Isn't it true? I

3:40

mean that just just every day

3:42

I wake up and I give

3:45

thanks that I'm just breathing. Yes,

3:47

and happy. Yes, gratitude right What

3:49

do you think the most important

3:52

in the menu of that would

3:54

contain? Gratitude, happiness, health? What's the

3:56

most important? For me, it's gratitude.

3:58

I think it is. I think

4:01

it's... responsibility. Oh wow. Because if

4:03

you look at the word

4:06

responsibility, it's just

4:08

the ability to respond.

4:11

And when you

4:13

truly understand that

4:15

you're responsible

4:17

for your life and

4:20

you're responsible for

4:22

your mindset and

4:24

you're responsible for

4:26

your happiness and

4:29

you're through your response

4:31

to something. There's only three

4:33

things Rob in life that

4:35

you can control, only

4:37

three. It's what you think. It's

4:40

what you do or don't do

4:42

in response to something. And

4:44

it's whether or not you

4:46

allow your emotions to rise and

4:48

fall. That's it. That's all

4:50

you have. And so when

4:53

you talk about gratitude, you're

4:55

talking about the impact

4:57

of. taking responsibility for

4:59

your attitude about your

5:02

life. And it works because

5:04

gratitude is the intentional

5:07

practice of pulling yourself

5:09

into the moment and

5:11

being grateful and savoring something

5:13

that you would otherwise

5:15

take for granted if you were

5:18

busy looking at what other

5:20

people are doing or allowing

5:22

outside circumstances to affect you.

5:24

And so I do think

5:26

that the single most important

5:28

thing that we have in

5:30

life is the ability to

5:32

respond to what's happening around

5:34

us. Well, this is basically what the

5:37

book is about, your new book. I

5:39

mean, this is, I went without even

5:41

trying to do a segue. See how

5:44

good I am at this? I just

5:46

laid it right out without even, like,

5:48

no hamfisted segues around here. No, you

5:51

didn't need a turning signal at all.

5:53

I know that you wrote a whole book about it,

5:55

so you can't distill it. I can distill it. Oh

5:57

good, give me the let them theory. So the let

5:59

them theory... is a simple mindset tool

6:01

that will immediately show you what's

6:03

in your control and what's not

6:05

in your control in any moment.

6:07

And the way that you use

6:09

it is very simple. Any time

6:11

that you feel yourself getting stressed

6:13

out, annoyed, frustrated, or hurt, typically

6:16

by another person, you're just gonna

6:18

say two words, let them. And

6:20

you're gonna notice something really weird,

6:22

but powerful happens. The moment you

6:24

say let them. You feel yourself

6:26

detached and you'll feel this like

6:28

release of the stress and annoyance

6:30

and frustration and hurt and It's

6:32

this moment of peace and power

6:34

where you release control Because Rob

6:36

there's one thing in life that

6:38

you will never be able to

6:40

control and that's what another human

6:42

being thinks says does or feels

6:44

that's you just can't do it

6:47

and it presents a problem for

6:49

all of us because every single

6:51

human being has a hardwired need

6:53

to feel in control It is

6:55

wired into our nervous system and

6:57

our brains. It's what makes us

6:59

feel safe. If you feel like

7:01

you're in control of your decisions,

7:03

if you feel like you're in

7:05

control of your future, if you

7:07

feel like you're in control of

7:09

what's happening at work or what's

7:11

happening in your relationships, then you

7:13

feel good, you feel safe. But

7:16

the problem is, when other people

7:18

are doing something that worries you

7:20

or that frustrates you, your need

7:22

to control means you're naturally gonna

7:24

want to try to try to

7:26

control them. And that's always going

7:28

to backfire. everybody that is on

7:30

this planet also needs to be

7:32

in control. So if I try

7:34

to control you, you are going

7:36

to feel affronted because of your

7:38

need to control yourself. And what

7:40

I realized in discovering the Let

7:42

Them theory, and I discovered it

7:44

in a really ironic way as

7:47

I was micromanaging one of my

7:49

three kids, is that I had

7:51

been working against the fundamental wiring

7:53

of human beings for 54 years

7:55

of my life. I was creating

7:57

frustration and stress and distance and

7:59

I was causing. pressure and expectations

8:01

and all kinds of things to

8:03

happen in my relationships that simply

8:05

don't need to be there. There's

8:07

a completely different way to live your

8:09

life. And it begins by allowing other

8:11

people to be exactly who they are.

8:14

Because when you allow people to be who

8:16

they are and you stop trying to push

8:18

them to be something that they're not, your

8:20

relationships get better because the

8:22

person actually feels, perhaps for

8:24

the first time, that you see them and

8:26

accept them for who they are. which creates the

8:29

space for somebody to feel more connected

8:31

to you and the space for somebody

8:33

to take ownership over their life, the

8:35

space for somebody if they're struggling, and

8:38

it's very hard to do with kids,

8:40

especially adult kids, the space to actually

8:42

find the strength that they have to

8:45

make decisions, to fall down, to pick themselves

8:47

back up, knowing that you see it, that

8:49

you believe in them, that you're there to

8:51

support them, but you also know that they

8:53

have the strength in the capacity to

8:55

do it for themselves. Perfect

8:57

sense, but then I I'm gonna be

9:00

devil's advocate. I'm gonna say I'm gonna

9:02

say what I'm gonna say what

9:04

I'm gonna I'm gonna say what I

9:06

know if I tried to say that

9:08

to my My kids aren't 14 now,

9:10

but if I if I if if

9:13

they were coming to me for advice

9:15

and I hit them with that Well,

9:17

if you'll hit them, but you know,

9:19

yeah, they would go well, what if

9:21

they fill in the blank? Uh-huh, like

9:23

well, give me one. that so and

9:26

so is actually the not good

9:28

person for me that I think they are

9:30

what what happens what if I'm what

9:32

if I'm right meaning that you're in

9:35

a situation where you're in

9:37

a situation okay so there's

9:39

a couple things I'm gonna I'm

9:41

gonna say we're gonna start to

9:43

unpack this because I've only told

9:45

you part one of the theory

9:48

which is saying let them because

9:50

you're never going to be able

9:52

to control another human being so

9:55

You have a fear and the answer to

9:57

the fear is let them is the

9:59

fear that They're dating the wrong person. Let's

10:01

make up one. I was just making one

10:03

up. You give me one. There's a fear that

10:05

we have that is keeping me stuck that

10:07

you need to say to me, let them.

10:09

Okay. I'm gonna get fired. How about this? I'm

10:11

gonna get fired. Let's just use that one.

10:14

Great, let them. Let them. You're one of the

10:16

greatest teacher in life, Rob. Yeah.

10:18

Let people learn from life. Why

10:22

are we shielding people from the

10:24

consequences of their decisions? And what I

10:26

have learned is that every time

10:28

you step in and rescue somebody, you

10:31

cover for your kid who was

10:33

out partying late last night and now

10:35

they're sleeping in because they're hungover

10:37

and so you call work or you

10:39

allow them to call work and

10:41

say, oh yeah, well, you know, we

10:44

have a family thing today. I

10:46

can't come in. That is actually enabling

10:48

somebody to stay stuck in their

10:50

behavior, right? And so what you want

10:52

to do is, first of all, we'll

10:56

layer this in because it's the

10:58

exact same dynamic if you have an

11:00

adult child who's struggling in school.

11:02

It's the exact same dynamic if you

11:05

have somebody who has let their

11:07

health go. And wanting somebody that you

11:09

care about to do better, that's

11:11

amazing. Seeing the potential in somebody, Rob,

11:13

and knowing that they could do

11:15

better, that they could be healthier, that

11:17

they could make more money. Seeing

11:20

that somebody is dating somebody that's treating

11:22

them horribly or very, very badly

11:24

or whatever and knowing they deserve better.

11:26

That's an amazing thing. Wanting that

11:28

for somebody is what we should be

11:30

all doing. Wanting it is not

11:33

the problem. The problem is how we

11:35

go about it and how we

11:37

go about it with other people when

11:39

we're worried or when we have

11:41

an opinion or when we have expectations

11:43

is that we express those things

11:46

in a way that doesn't motivate change.

11:48

It actually, if you look at

11:50

the biology and the neurology of the

11:52

way a human being is wired,

11:54

you actually create resistance to change. And

11:56

so let's take the example that

11:59

you have someone in your life who

12:01

is in a relationship with somebody who, whether it's,

12:03

they're just, they're just not

12:05

bringing out the best in the

12:07

person that you love. Or they are

12:09

not treating them well. And you see

12:12

it. Here's the thing I want,

12:14

I want everybody listening. So as

12:16

you're listening to Rob and I

12:18

and you're spending time together with

12:20

us and you're on your walk

12:23

or you're in your car, I want

12:25

you to consider something. Who is

12:27

the hardest working person getting

12:29

A's? It's the person who's failing.

12:32

See, people know, Rob, when they're in

12:34

the wrong situation. If you're

12:36

dating somebody and you know they're

12:38

not treating you well, you don't

12:41

feel good in that relationship. You

12:43

know it. You're busy in there

12:45

in conflict with yourself. Because you

12:47

wish this person would treat you

12:49

better. If you're struggling in

12:52

school, you know it. You wish

12:54

that you could snap your fingers

12:56

and get straight A's because you'd

12:58

feel better about yourself. So the last

13:00

thing you need is your mother or

13:02

your father's judgment about the fact that you

13:04

don't have motivation Because it's usually

13:07

not an issue of motivation It's

13:09

usually an issue of some skill that's

13:11

missing or some confidence that's missing

13:13

or some hope that's missing But

13:15

there's a lot of effort going in people who

13:18

are out of shape. They know it You don't think

13:20

that they'd rather be in fantastic

13:22

shape And so any kind of

13:24

judgment or pressure, and especially the

13:26

kind of thing that we typically

13:28

do, which is like, hey, you

13:31

know, maybe you should go to the

13:33

gym today. You're like, you don't think

13:35

I've thought of that Einstein, that I

13:37

would actually feel better? The

13:39

reason why it's hard to change

13:41

is because our brains are hardwired

13:44

to do what's easy right now.

13:46

It's a simple fact. And we

13:48

are hardwired to resist what feels

13:50

hard. And there's this. line in

13:52

addiction and in therapy and some

13:54

of the world's leading psychologists that

13:56

I would spoke to in researching

13:58

the Latham theory. book, it just

14:01

struck me. They were like, look,

14:03

Mel, nobody gets sober until being

14:05

drunk is harder than facing the

14:07

thing you're running from. And so

14:10

if you're in a situation where

14:12

you're in a relationship with somebody

14:14

who treats you not great and

14:16

you want to be treated well,

14:19

I choose to believe every human

14:21

being wants to thrive. I choose

14:23

to believe every human being wants

14:26

to feel good. I choose to

14:28

believe that every human being deserves

14:30

to be happy and to feel

14:32

fulfilled in their life. and to

14:35

have support in terms of friends

14:37

and family that encourage them to

14:39

go on and to keep moving.

14:42

But most people, when they find

14:44

themselves in a situation where they're

14:46

not thriving or they're surrounded by

14:48

friends or family members or they're

14:51

dating somebody who's treating them poorly,

14:53

they know it. They just don't

14:55

know how to get out of

14:57

it. And so that creates a

15:00

problem for the rest of us

15:02

because when we're worried about somebody

15:04

or we see potential... We usually

15:07

express it. We usually get worried

15:09

for them. So we start to

15:11

feel intense pressure about it because

15:13

we want them to change because

15:16

we think we know best. And

15:18

the thing that I've realized over

15:20

and over again is that when

15:23

you operate that way, you're not

15:25

creating an environment for change. You're

15:27

actually creating resistance to it and

15:29

more pressure on a person that

15:32

already feels it. It's head is

15:34

because the second you say, let

15:36

them. Let them live their life.

15:39

Let them be adult. Let adults

15:41

be adults. Let them sit on

15:43

the couch. Let them lose this

15:45

job. Let them struggle in school.

15:48

Because you've got to first detach

15:50

from the outcome and you've got

15:52

to detach from your emotions and

15:54

the tension that you feel. because

15:57

your power in this situation is

15:59

never in applying pressure to the

16:01

other person. because it backfires. It's

16:04

in detaching. That's the only power

16:06

you have. Correct. Correct. Detached. That's

16:08

number one. Then you're going to

16:10

go step two. And step two

16:13

is where you say let me.

16:15

And let me is the more

16:17

powerful part of this theory because

16:20

this is where you remind yourself

16:22

that you have something that's within

16:24

your control. And that is what

16:26

am I going to think? What

16:29

am I going to do? And

16:31

what am I going to do

16:33

with the emotions that I feel?

16:35

Because that's where your power is.

16:38

It's never in the other person.

16:40

Your power is in tapping into

16:42

what you can do. See, you

16:45

can't change another person, but I

16:47

never said you couldn't influence them.

16:49

And so when you say, let

16:51

me, you now get to choose.

16:54

You get to choose how

16:56

you're going to show

16:58

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other prizes monthly. What's

20:00

the difference between influencing and attempting

20:02

to control? Well, attempting to control

20:05

is when you push somebody, when

20:07

you pressure them, when you express

20:09

your expectations, when you directly force

20:12

them. Influencing is when we tap

20:14

into a huge body of research,

20:16

and a lot of this comes

20:19

from Dr. Tolly Charlotte, who is

20:21

a professor over at King's College

20:23

London, whose entire field of research

20:26

in neuroscience is around the power

20:28

of influence and what influences people's

20:30

behavior. And we are hugely social

20:33

creatures, like just we're wired for

20:35

social connection and other people's behavior

20:37

when it looks easy and fun

20:40

influences you. And I'm going to

20:42

give you an example. So, let's

20:44

say that we're at work and

20:47

it's lunchtime. And I'm a workaholic

20:49

and I'm all stressed out and

20:51

I'm worried about what my boss

20:54

thinks, so I'm sitting there on

20:56

my laptop and I'm typing away

20:58

and I'm shoving a sandwich in

21:01

my mouth. But Rob, who's super

21:03

chill, every day, but Rob, who's

21:05

super chill, every day, he gets

21:08

up and I notice, he like

21:10

shuts his laptop and he goes

21:12

outside for a walk. And then

21:15

he comes back, he's great ideas.

21:17

So day after what day this

21:19

happened from, I work through lunch,

21:22

I see you leave, at some

21:24

point, usually a month or so

21:26

later, I'll look out the window

21:29

one day and be like, you

21:31

know, I come and go for

21:33

a walk. And the funny thing

21:36

about that moment is that I

21:38

don't think it's your idea. I

21:40

actually think it's mine. But it

21:43

was your influence that made me

21:45

choose to do it. Because people

21:47

only change when they feel like

21:50

changing. And people only change when

21:52

they can change. And if somebody

21:54

isn't doing well, it's typically because

21:57

they can't right now or they

21:59

don't... feel like doing the work

22:01

to change. And so your

22:03

influence is important because

22:06

your behavior and your

22:08

energy around something either

22:10

creates the space for someone

22:12

else to change or it

22:14

creates a cage in which somebody

22:16

else continues to feel trapped

22:19

and resists the change. And

22:21

so here's what you're going

22:24

to do. There's a... technique

22:26

that I boil down into a

22:28

simple thing you can remember. It's

22:30

just A, B, C. It's a

22:32

particular type of conversation that you're

22:34

gonna have with this person. And

22:36

the first step is A. So A is apologize.

22:39

Literally apologize. Hey, I'm really

22:41

sorry that I've been judgmental

22:43

of the person you've been dating.

22:46

I must be super annoying to have

22:48

your family not like the person

22:50

you're with. I'm really sorry about

22:52

that. Or, hey, I'm really sorry I've been

22:54

pressuring you about your health. I'm worried about

22:56

you, but I know I've crossed a line. And so

22:59

I just really wanted to take a minute

23:01

and apologize for you that. And most

23:03

people won't even say anything because they're

23:05

going to be startled that you're saying

23:08

that. And they also don't trust you. So they

23:10

think that there's something coming. And

23:12

then you're going to, A, ask

23:14

open-ended questions. And the first one you're

23:16

going to lead with is, you know, you know, I've

23:18

never even asked you how you how you feel about

23:20

this. And

23:23

that is like dropping a grenade

23:25

on somebody's head. Because what

23:27

you do, and again, everybody knows

23:30

when they're not taking care

23:32

of themselves. Everybody knows

23:34

when they're not tapping into

23:36

their potential. Everyone knows

23:39

when you're dating somebody that

23:41

doesn't treat you the way you'd

23:43

like to be treated. They already

23:45

feel pressure. It's a mistake

23:47

to think that somebody's stuck

23:50

is actually still. They're extraordinarily

23:52

active inside themselves because

23:54

they're in conflict between

23:56

where they are and what they know their

23:59

potential is. And so when you

24:01

ask that question, you know, I've

24:03

never even asked you how you

24:05

feel about this. How do you

24:07

feel about your health? How do

24:09

you feel about your relationship? And

24:11

that's when you gotta let them

24:13

talk. This is the let them.

24:15

No matter what comes out of

24:17

their mouth, let them. And then

24:19

you say the part when you're

24:21

about to speak, just let me

24:24

shut up right now. Just listen.

24:26

Right? That's the hard part for

24:28

me. Just let them talk, Mel.

24:30

Let me shut up. And no

24:32

matter what they say, Rob, the

24:34

words don't matter. Because according to

24:36

Dr. Kay, who's this extraordinary psychiatrist

24:38

that goes by the Healthy Game

24:40

or Online, and he specializes in

24:42

gaming addictions and helping young adults

24:44

around gaming addictions, studied at Harvard,

24:46

did his residency at McLean, which

24:48

is the number one psychiatric hospital

24:50

in the world, absolutely amazing dude.

24:52

The friction inside them is what

24:55

you're stirring up. It's not about

24:57

the words that come out of

24:59

their mouth No, they're fine. Why?

25:01

Because again, they feel so judged

25:03

by you That they're still going

25:05

to feel a little defensive and

25:07

then all you need to say

25:09

is oh, okay. So what makes

25:11

you feel fine about it? Like

25:13

I'm really just want to know

25:15

how you're doing and they may

25:17

shrug they may not do anything.

25:19

This is all good because you're

25:21

stirring something up. And then here's

25:23

the question that opens the door.

25:25

You say, have you thought about

25:28

what you want to do about

25:30

it, or if you want to

25:32

do anything about it at all?

25:34

Of course they have. That's all

25:36

they do. That's all they do.

25:38

And they may just shrug their

25:40

shoulders, or they may say, yeah,

25:42

you know, I think I should

25:44

be probably trying, playing little less

25:46

video games. That's all you need.

25:48

That's all you need. is just

25:50

that moment of tension. And my

25:52

favorite place to have these conversations,

25:54

by the way, is in the

25:56

car. Because, first of all, they're

25:58

trapped. Second, there's no... drinking. Third,

26:01

there's no eye contact. And so

26:03

I don't know about you, but I've

26:05

had the best conversations with

26:07

my kids or my spouse

26:09

when I'm in a car

26:11

because there's also something that's

26:13

called forward ambulation and you experience

26:15

this on a walk too where

26:17

all the motion on either side

26:19

of your body opens up bigger

26:21

thinking and ideas and possibility in

26:23

your brain. It's why you always

26:25

come up with great ideas when

26:27

you go on a walk. Same

26:30

thing's true when you're driving a

26:32

car. And so people tend to

26:34

be more open in that setting

26:36

for those four reasons. And it's

26:38

a less kind of intense, like

26:40

sitting down with somebody. And then

26:42

you can just say, well, you

26:44

know, if I can ever do

26:46

anything to be more supportive,

26:48

I'm totally open. Like I would love

26:51

to just make sure I show up

26:53

in a different way. That's it.

26:55

That's it. No advice, no opinion,

26:57

no nothing. And then B. Back

26:59

off. Back off. This is why you

27:02

need the Let them theory. Because

27:04

for the next three months,

27:06

you're going to see the loser

27:08

you hate picking up your

27:10

sister in the driveway. Let them.

27:12

You're going to see your person

27:15

sitting on the couch watching

27:17

golf all weekend. Let them. You're

27:20

going to see the person

27:23

quietly quitting work and you're

27:25

like, they're about to get

27:28

fired. Let them. Because you

27:30

have to let people learn

27:32

from life. And it's hard

27:34

as hell. But what you're also

27:36

doing is when you back off, you're

27:39

demonstrating that you

27:41

believe in somebody's

27:43

capacity to change. You believe

27:46

in their capacity. to make

27:48

decisions in their life. It's actually very

27:50

empowering. And when you back off, you're

27:52

also creating that space that was created

27:54

in the example where I was talking

27:56

about you going for a walk and

27:58

me sitting there working. creating enough space

28:01

for the change to become their idea.

28:03

We've all been on the receiving end

28:05

of this, where somebody thinks they know

28:07

what we should do. And one of

28:09

the reasons why we don't want to

28:11

change is because you don't want somebody

28:13

who's like, see, I told you be

28:15

happier if you got a different job.

28:17

You're like, fuck you. I don't want,

28:19

like, no, wasn't your idea, dickhead, like

28:21

I'm in charge of my own life.

28:24

Like, I'm in charge of my own

28:26

life. Like, like, like, like, I'm in

28:28

charge of my own life, like, like,

28:30

like, like, like, I'm in charge of

28:32

my own, like, like, like, like, like,

28:34

I'm in charge, like, like, like, like,

28:36

I'm, like, like, I'm, like, I'm, like,

28:38

I'm, I'm, like, I'm, I'm, like, like,

28:40

I'm, like, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, So,

28:42

right, because this is what I'm talking

28:44

about where the pressure gets created because

28:47

of the opinions and the worry and

28:49

all that stuff. Like, I think a

28:51

lot about the fact that our son

28:53

really struggled in school. He had profound

28:55

dyslexia in ADHD and it wasn't a

28:57

matter of willpower. It was a matter

28:59

of skill. And so as he's upstairs

29:01

playing video games because it's easy and

29:03

he's good at it. Why wouldn't when

29:05

you want to do something easy and

29:07

good? Why would you ever want to

29:10

do homework when you suck at it?

29:12

And then I come clomp clomp clomp

29:14

clomp clomp up the stairs to like

29:16

hey dude, you know, I hear you

29:18

screaming up here get off, you know,

29:20

the Xbox and fortnight and do your

29:22

freaking homework It's like all right mom

29:24

flip off. You like whatever So it's

29:26

like I'm just creating more of that

29:28

standoff but when you have this ABC

29:30

conversation and now comes to see part

29:32

you Just celebrate the tiniest things. And

29:35

it's not like, oh, see? Isn't going

29:37

for a run fun? Don't do it

29:39

in a passive aggressive way. It's sort

29:41

of like, hey, you know, but I'm

29:43

really proud of you. I saw that

29:45

you must have gotten your homework done

29:47

last night because I didn't hear you

29:49

screaming at your friends of the video

29:51

games until 8 o'clock. The other thing

29:53

that you got to do is you

29:55

have to model. positive change

29:58

and make it look and easy. So

30:00

if I'm, if you're expecting somebody to

30:02

try something hard and you've been avoiding

30:04

something, then clean out the garage, you've

30:07

been avoiding it and just kind of

30:09

model that, yeah, the stuff sucks, but

30:11

it just makes you feel better when

30:13

it's done. Nothing to do with the

30:15

homework. You can't ask somebody to cut

30:18

back on their drinking while you're pouring

30:20

wine every night while you're cooking dinner.

30:22

You can't ask somebody to get in

30:24

better shape while you're the one sitting on

30:26

the couch, not doing anything. your influence

30:29

has power over people. And here's

30:31

the thing, it takes time. You

30:33

got to be able to give

30:35

this three to six months, at

30:37

least, because people only change

30:39

when they feel like it. And they may

30:42

not be ready to change when you're

30:44

ready for them to change. And

30:46

with family and friends, you

30:48

can have a longer bandwidth.

30:50

When you're in a relationship

30:53

dating with somebody, The really

30:55

important thing to remember

30:57

is that people's behavior

30:59

tells you exactly who they are.

31:01

And the mistake that we make

31:03

over and over and over again

31:06

in relationships is that when somebody

31:08

shows you who they are, we don't believe

31:10

it. We argue away, we make

31:12

excuses for their behavior, we

31:15

live upstairs in a fantasy

31:17

about the potential of who this

31:19

person could be, if only they did

31:21

this, only that. And then we're

31:23

not... actually in the reality of

31:26

who the person is. And so many

31:28

relationships, particularly romantic

31:31

ones, end because resentment

31:33

has built up for two

31:35

years while somebody's been in

31:38

their head silently wishing somebody

31:40

would change and never

31:42

accepting the person exactly as

31:44

they are. And what love really

31:46

is is the ability to see

31:49

somebody as they are and as they

31:51

aren't and to choose to still care

31:53

about them. And I'm

31:55

excited for this

31:57

tool to get out of

31:59

of the world because you know

32:01

one of the big pushbacks that I

32:04

get when when I talk about this

32:06

is what I'm just supposed to let

32:08

people walk all over me I'm supposed

32:11

to just let you know them treat

32:13

me poorly no you're actually doing that

32:15

right now that's what you're doing right

32:18

now if you have somebody in your

32:20

life who has a narcissistic personality style

32:22

or if you're dating a bunch of

32:25

people that treat you poorly And you

32:27

know you sleep with somebody and they

32:29

slink out the door like a cat

32:32

in the morning and then you somehow

32:34

convince yourself that because they said I

32:36

love you while they were drunk last

32:39

night that that means that this is

32:41

going somewhere. They're not the problem you

32:43

are. Because you're not willing to let

32:46

them reveal who they are and whether

32:48

or not you're a priority in their

32:50

life through their behavior. You refuse to

32:53

do that. You're in the fantasy. And

32:56

you got to let people show

32:58

you who they are and show

33:00

you through their behavior whether or

33:02

not you matter or where you

33:04

fall in the line of priorities.

33:06

And then you go to the

33:08

second part, let me remind myself

33:10

that I have power here. Because

33:13

I get to choose what I

33:15

think about this person and their

33:17

behavior. I get to decide whether

33:19

or not this is enough. Or

33:21

it's unacceptable or it's a turn

33:23

off. I get to decide how

33:25

I'm going to process my feelings.

33:27

And you know, people forget that

33:29

you have so much power. You're

33:31

never stuck in a job. You

33:33

can leave an interview or a

33:35

date or a dinner table or

33:38

a text chain or a situation

33:40

ship. Anytime you decide to. And

33:42

we're so focused on them and

33:44

controlling that person and trying to

33:46

interpret everybody's moods and what they're

33:48

thinking about. That you've just gave

33:50

all your power away to something.

33:52

and someone you can't control robbed.

33:54

And then you don't even see

33:56

the fact that you have all

33:58

the control. You do. And

34:00

yeah, it sucks to know that

34:03

sometimes the people that you

34:05

choose to love are not gonna choose you back. You

34:08

have to let them. What if you're a person

34:10

who has a hard time with boundaries, who has

34:12

a hard time advocating for themselves? This

34:14

is a boundary. Let them and

34:16

let me are the only boundaries you need in life. Because

34:19

I personally believe that

34:21

if you're tired

34:24

or you're overwhelmed in life or

34:26

you feel like everybody else comes first

34:28

or you're just not as happy

34:30

as you'd like to be or you

34:33

can't catch your stride in

34:35

the way that you think other people are. I'm

34:37

gonna tell you something. The problem isn't you. The

34:40

problem is all the power you give to other people.

34:43

And there are four ways that you're

34:45

doing it. First of all, you allow other

34:47

people and inconsiderate strangers and stupid shit

34:49

to stress you out. All

34:51

day long, it's a death by a thousand cuts. Whether

34:54

you're standing in the line at the supermarket and

34:56

there's only one cash register open and there's seven

34:58

people in front of you and it's like beep,

35:00

beep, beep. And then you start to get all

35:02

agitated and pissed off and next thing you know,

35:04

you're like, why aren't they doing the announcement? And

35:06

you think you can run the store better than

35:08

anybody else and then you're kind of reaching for

35:10

your. Let them. Let

35:14

them staff this however they do. Let

35:16

the employees like hang out in the aisle and gossip

35:18

while you're standing there because you're forgetting

35:20

something. You have

35:22

the ability to respond to this. And

35:25

let me remind you, your time and energy are

35:27

the single most important thing you have in

35:29

life because where you put

35:31

your time and energy is your experience of

35:33

your day to day life. Why

35:36

on earth would you

35:38

allow a situation like this to drain

35:40

your life force? Let

35:42

them. And then let me remind

35:44

myself, I get to

35:46

choose the thoughts. I

35:48

get to decide what I'm gonna do right now in this line.

35:50

In fact, I can walk out of the store if I don't

35:52

want to stand here. You

35:54

know, every, if you're listening and you always

35:57

right now and you feel like you have no

35:59

time to call, to. talk to people that

36:01

you care about, you're exhausted at the

36:03

end of the day. Take the five minutes and

36:05

call your grandmother. Practice meditation. Look

36:07

around and see that you're in a

36:09

grocery store and you have money and

36:12

time to be standing there and tap

36:14

into a little bit of gratitude. There's

36:16

a million things you could do, but none

36:18

of us do it because we give power

36:20

to the stupid stuff. If your friends don't

36:22

invite you out this weekend and you see

36:24

them all, you know, golfing or they're out

36:26

for me. Let them. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's

36:29

a sign when you're rejected, if

36:31

it hurts that you're a normal

36:33

human being. That means you're mentally

36:35

healthy. But you don't have to

36:38

spiral. You don't have to

36:40

villainize people. You don't have to

36:42

then become a victim. People are allowed

36:44

to go out with other people. People are

36:46

allowed to make plans without you. We're

36:48

adults here. Let them. And if it

36:50

bothers you that much, remember the let

36:52

me part. Let me remind myself

36:55

that my social life is my

36:57

responsibility. When's the last time I

36:59

invited anybody anywhere? When's the last

37:01

time I planned something? When's the last

37:03

time I actually reached out to those

37:06

people that I'm now feeling rejected by

37:08

and was actually interested in their

37:10

life? And it's very sobering because

37:12

you start to realize, wow, I've outsourced

37:15

my happiness and my life to

37:17

other people and I think it's

37:19

their responsibility when it's actually mine. So

37:21

stress is one really important way that

37:24

you will use this. to lower your

37:26

stress and to stop making a

37:28

people and people and things around

37:30

you a problem in your life.

37:33

The second way that you're going

37:35

to use this is enormous, which

37:37

is I don't think anybody realizes

37:39

the extent to which you're giving

37:42

power to what other people think.

37:44

And the example that I that

37:46

really can bring it home for

37:48

not only you, but as you're

37:50

listening to Rob and I right

37:52

now. I want you to

37:54

think about your favorite social

37:56

media platform and imagine you're

37:58

opening up your account and

38:00

you're about to post something. And

38:02

you go to pick out a

38:04

photo or a little video and

38:06

you put it up and then

38:08

you're like, okay, wait a minute,

38:11

ship, put that filter, that filter,

38:13

that filter, is this the right

38:15

photo? And it could be a

38:17

photo of anything. It could be

38:19

a photo of anything. In a

38:21

bathing suit, it could be you

38:23

wanting to talk about some new

38:25

project that might be a song

38:27

that you've for, anything. And then

38:29

you go to write the caption

38:31

and you're like. Too much for

38:33

who? You are giving power to

38:35

someone else's thoughts and you have

38:37

forgotten that this is your social

38:39

media platform right here. This is

38:41

your self-expression and we all do

38:43

it. And I can prove it.

38:45

Just look at all the drafts

38:47

that you have saved. And the

38:49

reason why you have so many

38:51

draft posts saved is because you

38:53

get so stressed out thinking about

38:55

something you can't control, which is

38:57

whether or not somebody's gonna unfallow

38:59

you or they're gonna like you

39:02

or they're gonna think about this

39:04

thing, that you exhaust yourself and

39:06

then you just save it and

39:08

you don't even post it. That

39:10

is an example of how you've

39:12

allowed something you'll never be able

39:14

to control because the average person

39:16

is 70,000 thoughts, most of which

39:18

are random that pop into our

39:20

head. And nothing will guarantee. that

39:22

you have a positive reaction to

39:24

what you do. Like, you know,

39:26

it's amazing when I think about

39:28

this because, you know, the person

39:30

I love the most on this

39:32

plan is my husband. I have

39:34

negative thoughts about his ass all

39:36

day long. I do, and I

39:38

still love him. There is nothing

39:40

that man can do that will

39:42

guarantee that Mel Robbins thinks something

39:44

nice about him. And I personally

39:46

think that family Rob... has this

39:48

beautiful role in your life because

39:50

family teaches you how to love

39:52

somebody you hate at times. And

39:55

people are gonna judge you, people

39:57

are gonna say negative things. about

39:59

you, people are going to unfallow

40:01

you, people are going to have

40:03

their opinions, and what I'm going

40:05

to say is instead of giving

40:07

power to it because you can't

40:09

control it, there's a radical, beautiful

40:11

idea. Let them think negative thoughts. The

40:13

next time you open up social media

40:15

or you go to say something at

40:17

work and you feel yourself hesitating,

40:20

just say, let them think negative thoughts.

40:22

Let them judge. Because when you say that,

40:24

you get this weird sense of superiority.

40:26

It's like so cool. Because you're seeing it,

40:29

you see the reality, and you realize,

40:31

I'm not going to waste my time trying to

40:33

control something I can't control, so I'm

40:35

going to let me just make decisions

40:37

that make me proud. And the most

40:39

amazing thing, and I know you've experienced

40:41

this, is that when you operate in

40:44

a way where you're proud of yourself,

40:46

you don't even consider what other people

40:48

think, because you know the truth. We

40:56

all want to see our loved

40:58

ones living their best lives, but

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42:32

all like is all really great

42:34

advice. It makes it simple. It

42:36

makes perfect sense and is also

42:38

hard to do, right? I mean,

42:40

I don't think it is. I

42:43

don't think it is. And the reason

42:45

why I don't think it is is

42:47

because I spent 54 years as a

42:49

person who was navigating life

42:52

based on other people's emotions

42:54

and based on people's opinions

42:56

and I was constantly drained

42:59

and stressed and anxious.

43:01

And I was the kind of

43:03

person that viewed life like a

43:06

competition, and I allowed

43:08

other people's success to paralyze

43:10

me, because I didn't understand

43:13

the way that life worked.

43:15

And I always wanted to

43:17

let things go. I didn't know

43:19

how, because when somebody would

43:21

say, just let it go, Mel, I

43:24

would say, but that means I

43:26

have to give up. That means

43:28

I've defeated. That means I have

43:30

no power here. And so it

43:32

felt like I was having to

43:34

surrender to something that I didn't

43:36

want to surrender to. And there's

43:39

something interesting about saying let them

43:41

because you rise above it and

43:43

detach, but you feel this sense

43:45

of power and superiority, which is why

43:47

people love it. And then the part that

43:50

has let me reminds you of what

43:52

is in your control. So it doubled

43:54

down. You doubled down on the power.

43:56

And I have never... in my life

43:58

discovered something that powerful

44:00

and this transformative. And

44:02

one of the other reasons why

44:04

it works is it's not living

44:06

in isolation, Rob. The Let Them theory

44:09

has deep roots through just the

44:11

history of the human experience.

44:13

I mean it is a modern application

44:15

of stoicism. I've always wanted

44:18

to be more stoic, but you

44:20

know when you talk about

44:22

these intellectual concepts like the

44:24

advice on managing and worrying

44:26

about people's opinions is crap.

44:28

When somebody tells you, just don't, you

44:31

know, don't think about it or, you

44:33

know, people aren't thinking about you that

44:35

much or, you know, I don't care

44:37

about people's opinions. When somebody says, I

44:39

don't care about people's opinions, you know

44:41

they actually care about people's opinions. I don't

44:43

care what they think. I don't give a shit what

44:45

they think. Bull shit. That's not true. And

44:48

so anything that is too intellectual,

44:50

I have never been able to apply in my

44:52

life. And the reason why this

44:54

works is because it's

44:56

tapping into stoicism, Buddhism,

44:59

detachment theory, radical acceptance,

45:01

all of these philosophical

45:03

ancient philosophies and therapeutic

45:06

modalities that have helped

45:08

people across the history of

45:10

time. But it does it in two simple

45:12

words in an anosecond and applies

45:15

all of that in any

45:17

situation. And it works with the

45:19

laws of human nature. And it

45:21

works with the way that the

45:23

world works. Because, you know,

45:25

let's talk about chronic comparison,

45:28

which so many people

45:30

struggle with because they're

45:32

online six hours a day.

45:34

But happiness, love, success,

45:37

money, these are in limitless

45:39

supply. They are there for

45:41

the creating. And for far too

45:43

long, I made the mistake of

45:45

thinking that in the game

45:48

of life, I'm playing against you.

45:50

That's not how life works.

45:53

I'm actually playing with

45:55

you other people can't block

45:57

the way Other people lead the

45:59

way Only you can

46:01

block your own way. See, if I

46:04

have an attitude where your wins are

46:06

my losses, I will forever make you

46:08

the enemy. I will forever use other

46:11

people as an obstacle and a reason

46:13

for why it can't be me. And

46:15

that's not how the world works. If

46:17

somebody else has what you want, they

46:20

provide the formula for how you could

46:22

get it too. Right. And when you

46:24

let them be successful and you let

46:27

people get things on their own timeline,

46:29

and then you go, well, let me

46:31

remind myself that there is a path

46:34

to achieve these things. And through my

46:36

attitude and my actions over time, I

46:38

can achieve these things for myself too.

46:41

Now, it may never look the same

46:43

because it's not the same because you're

46:45

going to put your whole spin on

46:47

it. But a formula is a formula

46:50

is a formula. And if you don't

46:52

have a person that's going to go

46:54

to AI and literally type in, you

46:57

know, act like the world's best life

46:59

coach and tell me, what do I

47:01

need to do every day for 10

47:04

months if I'm here right now and

47:06

by 10 months I want to do

47:08

this? Give me a daily plan that

47:10

I execute one hour a day and

47:13

you will have exactly what to do.

47:15

But then you're going to have a

47:17

problem, which is, will you let yourself

47:20

do it? And most people won't, because

47:22

once they see the map and they

47:24

see the steps, they say, well, everyone's

47:27

going to think I copied them. And

47:29

somebody else has already done it, which

47:31

means you're now back into turning other

47:34

people's opinions into the reason why you

47:36

can't do something. Let them think you

47:38

copied it. And let me follow the

47:40

plan that AI just spit out. Because

47:43

by God, I'm not going to get

47:45

to my deathbed and look back and

47:47

have the same regrets that most people

47:50

do, which is I cared too much

47:52

about what everybody else thought, and I

47:54

never actually allowed myself to live my

47:57

life. When does this book come out?

47:59

Because I have a couple... people. I

48:01

was thinking about a couple of people

48:03

through this and wishing they were listening.

48:06

December 24th. And I this is

48:08

this is going to be like

48:10

everybody needs to read this because

48:12

everybody on the planet is going

48:14

to be saying let them. I

48:17

mean, when I shared this Rob, uh,

48:19

about 18 months ago online and

48:21

a 60 second video, I explained

48:23

it very simply 15 million

48:26

views in 24 hours. I did

48:28

one podcast episode. about it

48:30

in October of 2023 and

48:32

it was the fifth most

48:35

shared episode of any

48:37

podcast on the planet

48:39

in just two months for

48:41

all of 2023. This is

48:43

so viral that when I

48:46

announced the book, it debuted

48:48

as number two on Amazon

48:50

and it is not

48:52

even available. And the

48:54

reason why is we

48:57

intrinsically know... that we want

48:59

more freedom and peace in

49:01

our life. And I had no idea

49:03

how to do it until I was

49:06

54 years old. I mean, I

49:08

pressured my kids, judged my

49:10

husband, I started

49:12

distancing myself from people

49:15

that I was busy

49:17

labeling as the toxic

49:19

behavior person, and I was

49:21

creating just as much

49:24

friction. and judgment in my

49:26

relationships and I didn't want to be.

49:28

And this simple thing, let them and

49:30

let me, it's the ultimate boundary and

49:32

the thing that I love about it

49:35

the most is that it actually creates

49:37

space for deeper connection. You know, if

49:39

you've got somebody in your life that's

49:41

really narcissistic or super challenging or immature,

49:43

we all have somebody like that in

49:46

our family where you just know they're

49:48

going to be there and like, oh

49:50

my God, here we go again. Let them. Like

49:52

why brace brace. when you know what you're

49:54

walking into. Why not just let them

49:57

be who they are and let me

49:59

remind myself that... I get to choose

50:01

how much time and energy I pour

50:03

into this based on what I value

50:05

and the kind of person that I

50:07

am. Let's say there's somebody in your

50:09

life and you give them that little,

50:11

not little, you give them that piece

50:13

of advice and they still can't do

50:15

it. It means you don't want to.

50:17

It means you'd rather be in conflict

50:19

than have peace. It means you'd rather

50:21

blame other people than like take responsibility

50:23

for your life. It means right now

50:25

for whatever reason you're committed to your

50:27

stuckness. This line

50:29

about sobriety you can't people don't

50:31

get sober until being drunk is

50:33

harder than doing the work to

50:35

change and there's a neurological reason

50:37

for this beyond just the chemistry

50:39

of addiction Our brains are hardwired

50:41

to do it's easy right now

50:44

That's why we sit on the

50:46

couch instead of going to the

50:48

gym. That's why we lay in

50:50

bed and stare at our phones

50:52

instead of getting out of bed.

50:54

It's easy Change is hard Facing

50:56

your problems is hard. Doing the

50:58

work to be the bigger person

51:00

in a dynamic with a human

51:02

being that's challenging, it's very hard.

51:04

And that's why we default to

51:06

what's easy. That's why we don't

51:08

have hard conversations. And so there

51:10

will come a point in your

51:12

life where you'll just get tired

51:14

of where you are. And if

51:17

you're listening to us and you

51:19

feel very stuck or there's somebody

51:21

that is in your life who

51:23

is stuck, that's really good news

51:25

because... When you start to actually

51:27

say, I feel very stuck or

51:29

lost, you are now verbalizing that

51:31

you're not happy where you are.

51:33

And that's the very first step

51:35

to all of that friction and

51:37

tension rising up in you and

51:39

the intrinsic motivation and the capacity

51:41

that you have to change. It's

51:43

coming to the surface. And so

51:45

that's a good thing because you're

51:47

no longer happy with the way

51:49

you're going about your life. And

51:52

when you start to say, let

51:54

them, you're gonna start to get

51:56

time. an energy back time and

51:58

energy you can pour back into

52:00

yourself you're gonna start to feel

52:02

more peaceful and confident and aligned

52:04

with yourself instead of constantly navigating

52:06

everybody else's moods. You know, when somebody,

52:08

you know, if you're somebody that's

52:10

afraid to disappoint people or let them

52:13

down, let them down. Let them be disappointed.

52:15

Let them down. Let them be

52:17

disappointed. Like, let them down. Let

52:19

them be disappointed. Like, one of the

52:21

things that I got wrong for a long

52:23

time about disappointment, and I got well, the

52:26

client's going to be really let down, and

52:28

then I'm feeling bad about this. Let

52:30

them be disappointed. I mean,

52:32

isn't that a good thing? Isn't

52:35

disappointment just the fact that

52:37

somebody wants you there? Right. Yeah.

52:39

Why do we aim that against ourselves?

52:41

It's because we've made it our

52:43

job to manage other people's

52:45

moods and expectations. Their

52:47

adults, let them be disappointed

52:50

because it means they want you

52:52

there. I mean, the alternative is,

52:54

well, Rob's a dickhead, I don't want

52:56

him here. Why would I want him

52:58

here? If you go to the let

53:00

me part and you drop

53:02

into your values and you

53:05

say, well, you know, if I really

53:07

stop and think about it

53:09

for just a second, maybe

53:11

I do want to go.

53:13

Not because it makes them feel

53:15

like I'm a good partner, because

53:18

it makes me feel like

53:20

a good son. Because when

53:22

you bend over backwards... to manage

53:24

other people's expectations or disappointments

53:26

or their guilt or upset,

53:29

you turn them into the villain

53:31

and you lose power. When you bend over

53:33

backwards because it makes you feel

53:35

good about yourself, now you're in

53:37

control of what you do and it makes you

53:39

proud of yourself. Do you see how that

53:42

difference that is? I do. I can't wait

53:44

for this, but I know what kind of

53:46

stocking stuff I have. Fitting a stocking? How

53:48

big is it? Just jam that fucker in

53:50

there. Well, I'm old, so it's got big

53:52

print, everybody. Oh, yeah, yeah, so this thing

53:55

goes crazy. And then people start to tattooing

53:57

the shit on their bodies. Rob, there's

53:59

like... I believe it. Yes. Yeah.

54:01

Yeah. You need to be

54:03

reminded. Yes. look down. Yes. This

54:06

is great. Thank you so

54:08

much. This is... I'm

54:10

putting in my order right now. Well, I would

54:12

love to send you. Will you send me one? Send

54:15

me an autograph. Is that the book right there?

54:17

Is that it? Yeah, it is. Let me see the

54:19

copy. I love it. Mel, you're the best. Thank

54:21

you so much for coming on. Rob, it was great

54:23

to be with you. Really great to be with

54:25

you. I've admired you for a long time. No, thank

54:27

you. I appreciate that. Thank you, Rob. Have a

54:29

good one. Okay.

54:38

How many people did you

54:40

think about listening to this

54:42

podcast going, they need that.

54:44

They need to read that

54:46

book. And

54:48

maybe it was just one person.

54:50

I certainly had some and you

54:52

know who you are. Thanks

54:55

for listening. This was really fantastic.

54:57

Lots of fun next week right

54:59

here on Literally. So be sure

55:01

to subscribe to the channel. We're

55:03

on YouTube. Hopefully, you're watching this

55:06

on YouTube now. Very exciting. And

55:08

spread the word. Would you please

55:10

now see it back here next

55:12

week on Literally. You've

55:15

been listening to Literally with

55:17

Rob Lowe produced by me, Sean

55:19

Doherty, with help from associate

55:21

producer, Sarah Bagar, and research by

55:23

Alyssa Growl. Writing and mixing

55:25

by Joanna Samuel. Our executive producers

55:28

are Rob Lowe for Lowe

55:30

Profile, Nick Liao, Adam Saxon, Jeff

55:32

Ross for Team Coco, and

55:34

Colin Anderson for Stitcher. Booking by

55:36

Deirdre Dodd. Music by Devin

55:38

Bryant. Special thanks to Hidden City

55:40

Studios. Thanks for listening. We'll

55:43

see you next time on Literally.

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