0:00

Welcome, Bongino Army, of course, as Dan

0:02

does his work at the FBI. Vince,

0:04

thank you for sending folks this

0:06

way. Vince, which comes from the name

0:08

of Vincente, which actually translates from

0:10

Latin to the hand that rocks the

0:12

cradle. I don't know why you'd name your

0:14

child the hand that rocks the cradle, but

0:17

wops are a silly people. Let's

0:20

enjoy the show. Glad

1:00

to be with you. And today's a little

1:02

bit different, especially for those of you who

1:04

are not Rumble Premium members. And we've been

1:06

doing this quite a while on the Friday

1:08

show, which was very often only Mug

1:10

Club, now Rumble Premium members. Anything

1:13

in the rundown? What are we talking about today?

1:15

What's in the news? You know, it's a

1:17

live show weekdays, 11 a .m. Eastern. But not everything

1:19

we do here

1:22

at the Lotto with Crowder Studios. We

1:24

don't have a name for studios. That's what I'm calling it. That's

1:26

fine. Yeah. Not everything makes air. And

1:29

by the way, that could be for a multitude of

1:31

reasons, but all of them good. It

1:34

could be it's far too

1:36

offensive to be on air. It could be the idea

1:38

is half -baked. It could be that we didn't quite think

1:40

it was ready for prime time. It could just be because

1:42

we thought it was really funny the night before. If

1:45

we were writing a couple of beers in the next morning,

1:47

it didn't even make any sense. So

1:49

today's show. That seems like an attack.

1:52

No, it's on me. Oh. Is

1:54

a scrapyard. See,

1:58

even the stingers have baked. Yeah, but that's better than

2:00

my stinger. Yeah. And you should know, by

2:02

the way, we were just talking about

2:04

Vegas. And Gerald I were

2:06

talking about how we didn't really like Vegas.

2:08

And I mentioned the Bellagio buffet. And

2:10

then you had your whatever quip. And you

2:12

guys, you all try it out. And

2:15

then I was like, no, no, no. It's actually

2:17

a good buffet. So you can get unlimited crab.

2:19

And I think, did I hear this correctly? Did

2:21

noodles sound off and say, I'm allergic to crab?

2:23

No. Oh, okay. No, I said something far more

2:25

offensive. Oh, okay. He said he

2:27

has crabs. There's always someone who mentions that.

2:30

Which I thought, that's what I thought you meant by Bellagio Buffet. I

2:32

thought you meant like one of those money ranch

2:34

type places. It's Vegas. It makes sense. But

2:36

I thought you were one of those people

2:38

who's allergic to shellfish who announces it to

2:40

everybody. No. I'm not that

2:42

shellfish. Someone's like, oh, well, if

2:44

there's shellfish and I'm even in the

2:46

room, it's like. We're clearly talking about a

2:48

place that is several states away. You're

2:50

not in any danger. How about I throw

2:53

a shrimp at you? I

2:55

want to fire noodles now, but

2:57

I'm not that shellfish. Oh,

2:59

my God. I'm glad we didn't

3:01

hear that. I'm glad I talked

3:03

over it, maybe. You leave the

3:05

studio right now. There

3:08

we go. That

3:11

was horrific. And

3:14

I tell bad jokes. Paula Poundstone's

3:16

understudy. Gross. You

3:18

can see her live at the Bellagio. Right

3:21

next to the buffet. I like it when

3:23

my ladies wear suits. Now, sure. So,

3:25

there we go. We're just going to get

3:28

into it. And you guys can let us

3:30

know what else you want us to not

3:32

allow to make air. Or you know what?

3:34

Here, how about this? Comment below. What bit

3:36

was on air in the last month or

3:38

so that absolutely should not have been? Let

3:40

us know. There you go. Oh, man, they say

3:42

that about me every day. What they say

3:45

about, don't take it personally. I do. The only

3:47

reason they say it about you is because

3:49

Noodles doesn't talk that much, so they don't think

3:51

of him. But now he's

3:53

removed all doubt by speaking. It's

3:55

going to be the shellfish bit. So,

3:57

all right, here's the first one

3:59

up. And

4:01

keep in mind, I don't know, some of these

4:03

are old, some of these are new, so I

4:06

don't fully remember what these are. That's part of

4:08

the fun. An

4:10

Australian homeowner made an unpleasant discovery.

4:12

I have no idea what this

4:14

is. It's like, could it be

4:16

a pipe burst? Could it be

4:18

AIDS? We're all on this journey

4:20

together. An Australian homeowner made an

4:22

unpleasant discovery when working in his

4:25

yard. Now, if you're a bit

4:27

yellow -bellied, you might want to look

4:29

away because a family in Sydney's

4:31

west found more than 100 red

4:33

-bellied black snakes in their backyard.

4:35

My goodness, let's go live to

4:37

Liam Tapper in Sydney. Liam, this

4:39

is my worst nightmare. It's

4:43

your worst nightmare. That

4:45

makes two of us. I

4:47

am hysterical covering this

4:49

story this Stop it. A

4:54

few days ago, they'd seen a

4:56

few Red Devil Blackstakes. Was that the

4:58

soundboard or was that in the...

5:00

That was in the clip? That was

5:02

the clip. Perfect timing. Guys, you

5:04

know I'm tired today, so I can't

5:06

tell. Wait, just stop it? Yes. That

5:09

was in the clip. Stop it. Stop

5:12

it. That

5:14

makes two of us. I

5:16

am hysterical covering this

5:18

story this morning. Stop it.

5:20

Oh, my God. You

5:29

are the luckiest front

5:31

to to my gut

5:33

with your shellfish bit

5:35

will be forgotten,

5:38

and superseded with,

5:40

stupid. Stupid. It

5:42

was oddly, like, annoyed,

5:44

flirtatious, but aggressively

5:47

aroused. Those two guys have

5:49

definitely seen each other. Yes, they have. I

5:51

was like, I'm flirting with you, but I'm your

5:53

boss. That's

5:55

awkward. Don't mention me crabs.

5:57

All right, let's continue talking about the rib,

5:59

Billy. I like the way they say

6:01

Billy. So

6:03

they called in the experts, the reptile

6:05

recovery team here in Sydney, thinking

6:08

they'd get four red -bellied black snakes

6:10

out of this pile of rubbish, this

6:12

mulch pile of sticks. That's not

6:14

a snake. To their surprise,

6:16

they found five red -bellied black

6:18

snake female mothers who were pregnant.

6:21

Underneath them, 71

6:23

baby red -bellied black

6:25

snakes. If you

6:27

thought that was bad, wait, there's

6:30

more. They put those

6:32

snakes into a bag over

6:34

the course of about

6:36

three to five hours. In

6:38

that time, those lovely

6:40

mothers gave birth. They welcomed

6:43

new life into this

6:45

world. 21 snakes taking the

6:47

full total to 102

6:49

red -bellied black snakes. How

6:51

would you be seeing that?

6:54

Absolutely. My stomach is turning right now.

6:56

Me too. Even talking about it.

6:58

Me too. Whoa. The

7:01

woman is far and away the

7:03

most masculine. I know. Me too. Those

7:05

are the red bellies. You guys right here. I'm

7:08

looking at a couple of yellow bellies.

7:10

Yeah, that's how she started if you're a

7:12

yellow belly. You're a yellow belly. I'm

7:14

looking at two free cakes. A little light

7:17

in the loafers. Two sprites. Stop it.

7:19

Shut up, fairy. Hey,

7:21

everyone better clap. Everyone

7:24

say you believe in Gerald or old boy.

7:27

Like a seal. Do

7:29

you believe in Gerald? Ah,

7:32

there's a dead fairy. So, by the

7:34

way, I have to say this.

7:36

The reason that I remember now why

7:39

we didn't include the story. I

7:41

was like, there is nothing notable about

7:43

this in Australia. Yeah, this is

7:45

like a Tuesday. Like, they're overselling, like,

7:47

would you believe there's more than

7:49

four? He'd be at five. He'd be

7:51

at 100. Yes, the answer is

7:53

yes. If Australia, we would believe any

7:55

number of deadly animals. So the

7:57

red -bellied snake is, in fact, venomous

7:59

because my notes say so. But

8:02

the Australian Museum notes, they

8:04

are a shy snake and will

8:06

generally only deliver a serious

8:08

bite. Under severe molestation. I don't

8:11

like the use of that

8:13

word. Haven't you

8:15

heard about old Billy the snake

8:17

rapist? We

8:19

had to go around saying, hey,

8:21

now you stop bopping snakes. That's right.

8:23

Yeah, we used to call him

8:26

the moccasin molester. That's right. When

8:29

he was done with him, we'd call him the water moccasin.

8:32

He's a wit. Moccasin

8:35

muck. Never mind. Go back

8:37

to your shellfish, mate. All

8:42

right. So there you are, Shry Snake. It

8:44

will generally only deliver a serious bite on

8:46

a civilian molestation, which was bad news for

8:48

this guy. I

8:52

remember working on this. But

8:54

the thing is, that's all we had for

8:56

the story. His snakes talked to the other snakes.

8:58

That's right. Well,

9:02

the scrapyard. They weren't biting

9:04

him. No. No,

9:07

they like him. Yeah,

9:10

his technique is he used to show

9:12

and dangle his bits like a worm. Did

9:15

you see how they were dressed? I'll

9:19

tell you what, that black mum was

9:21

asking for it. Look at his styles.

9:29

She looks like an Australian guy. This is way

9:31

funnier than we thought be. Yeah, well, look,

9:33

there's a reason that, because we have to stretch

9:35

it out, because there's very little with some

9:37

of these stories. So the next one is, when

9:39

we covered the Big Balls story, what's the

9:41

Big Balls story? The guy was named Big Balls.

9:43

Doge. Oh! Yeah, the Doge. Doge. Okay, sorry.

9:45

Again, this is also known as big balls. You

9:47

guys are used to a lot of people

9:49

who use like prompter. And I just have notes.

9:51

And I kind of am able to look.

9:53

But then when you're far enough removed from the

9:55

minister's story that you clearly were so uninterested

9:57

in that you didn't run it, it

9:59

doesn't. Big balls. Now I remember. We put it all

10:01

in one place for you guys. Well, my brain was

10:03

still on the snake rapist. Yeah. So. You're

10:06

like in and out of Australia, too. Yeah.

10:08

When we cover the big balls story. Big

10:11

balls. Tiny snake. Filmed

10:14

at 11. Oh,

10:19

Brian. For a second, I was trying to do

10:21

math and see what time that was. Central.

10:24

I can't. I can't. I can't do

10:26

it. Now I don't know what I'm

10:29

doing. Now I'm thinking of the British

10:31

broadcaster. Yeah. In the Panama Canal. The

10:35

caricature of a British accent. So when we

10:37

covered the Big Balls story originally, we actually

10:39

came up with an idea for a song

10:41

to go with it. Unfortunately, someone

10:43

else kind of beat us to the

10:46

punch, and that happens, especially in the era

10:48

of the internet where sometimes you spend

10:50

a lot of time crafting out a joke

10:52

or a series of jokes, and someone

10:54

will just sort of take like a premise,

10:56

but the premise is used online, and

10:58

it can be half -baked, like, ah, we

11:00

don't want to be seen as copying it.

11:02

So sometimes it happens, and unlike your

11:04

Colbert's or your Kimmel's, we just try and

11:06

avoid repeating it. So here is what

11:08

we cut regarding Big Balls that day. He's

11:13

got big balls. Oh,

11:15

such big balls. Truly

11:17

big balls. Big balls.

11:19

Biggest of big balls.

11:22

Come back, big balls. We

11:24

need you, big balls.

11:26

Because he's got the biggest

11:28

balls of them all.

11:30

Who among us doesn't feel

11:32

better about big balls? That

11:35

kid is a legend. The funny thing

11:38

is. The only person who you know does

11:40

not feel better about big balls is

11:42

Rachel Maddow. That's true. Doesn't matter to her

11:44

at all. It's like any balls. I

11:46

reckon that woman's a dog. Maybe.

11:50

Oh, thanks. She loves the ladies. And

11:52

the ladies love her. She's straighter

11:54

than that Australian guy. Yeah,

11:56

she would beat the guys. She would,

11:58

yeah. Stop it. Shut up. I will come

12:00

through that prompter. I've

12:03

never seen a super gay Australian. You

12:06

think of them as rugged and masculine. Oh,

12:08

yeah. It's very effeminate. It's kind of funny to

12:10

think about. they have Thunder from Down Under. What?

12:12

Yeah, but that's for women usually, isn't it? Supposedly.

12:15

I've been to one. What? Well,

12:18

when you were there, it was gay. What

12:20

the hell are we about? When you're not

12:22

there, it's heterosexual. You don't know Thunder from

12:24

Down Under? No, and I don't know that

12:26

I want to now that I'm the context.

12:28

It's the world's most premier male review. Yes.

12:32

Wait a minute. Yeah.

12:34

It doesn't sound right. No, no, it's

12:36

a review. It makes it sound a lot

12:39

more sophisticated than it is. Yeah, okay.

12:41

The lead -in is a little one -act about

12:43

Watergate. He's not wrong? I don't

12:45

know that we want to see... No! Hey,

12:47

hey, hey. That

12:50

might fly with those... at those

12:52

muscles. That might fly with those kiwis.

12:54

A couple of hopscotches over. Not

12:56

over here. We're a penal colony. Step

12:58

aside, Chippendale. Penile. Where's

13:00

154 red bellies when you need

13:02

them? He had

13:04

a flat belly. A

13:07

ribbed belly. I'll bet you he's had

13:09

work done. Yeah, he has. So

13:11

we came up with a New Year's theme

13:14

7 plus 1 to kick off 2025. But

13:16

I don't know why we kept having to

13:18

push it off for one reason or another until

13:20

it was no longer New Year's. Kind of

13:22

like saying Happy New Year's. You don't know

13:24

when it sort of crosses over. But if

13:26

you're in February, you're like, okay, I don't

13:28

really, I'm not going to say it anymore.

13:30

But that's what Scrapyard shows are for, which

13:32

brings us to, you have a stinger, right? Yeah.

13:34

Which brings us to this year's 7 plus

13:36

1. So

13:42

this is 7 plus

13:44

1 New Year's, well, leftist

13:46

New Year's resolutions. In

13:48

April. There we go. In

13:51

April. There you go.

13:53

All right. And some of these

13:55

have Photoshop's. Josh,

13:57

Mr. Feierstein, take number

13:59

7. Rachel Maddow is

14:01

going to finally grow

14:04

her hair out. Oh,

14:06

well, that's... Hey, hey,

14:08

it's Dyke Dynasty. Nice.

14:12

It's Nurse Strange. Dyke

14:17

Dynasty. That's great. It

14:19

took me a second. I

14:21

thought he said Duck Dynasty, and I'm like,

14:23

okay. Oh, switch

14:26

the letter. 7

14:30

plus 1 leftist New Year's resolutions. Gerald,

14:32

number 6. The young Turks will accept that

14:34

they are, in fact, the old Turks.

14:36

Ah, long in the tooth. Number

14:39

5. Ariana Grande is going

14:41

to get her goal weight

14:43

of 0. Oh,

14:45

I would have thought for sure we'd have a photo

14:47

show. I know, like anorexic Ariana Grande. Oh, I want

14:49

to do number 4. 7 plus

14:52

1 leftist New Year's resolutions. Number

14:54

4, James Carville. is

14:56

going to finally release his new cookbook.

14:59

I was just about to do Australian. Hold on, let me

15:01

read it. No, no, no, no. Shake it off, shake it

15:03

off. Shake it off. All right. James

15:05

Carville is going to finally release

15:07

his new cookbook. Recipes from the

15:09

swamp. I

15:14

don't even know if that's a Photoshop or just

15:16

a... No, it's just looks real. Or just from

15:18

his album. Everything calls for a half cup of

15:20

mud. Oh, no. Oh, half

15:22

a cup of mud in there. A mud

15:24

in there. That's the best part. Gotta

15:26

get dirty up and you get stuck in

15:28

your gums. That's right. You do some

15:31

of the bog mud. That's kind of like

15:33

a mayonnaise on my... Bog Swamp Sandwich.

15:35

Yeah, we call that a Bayou Dijon. And

15:37

the sauce is bon. I

15:41

hate that food. Really? So

15:43

bad. I like Cajun food. No.

15:45

You don't like crawfish etouffee? There is

15:47

nothing about crawfish etouffee. Data strips?

15:49

Or anything else. Yes, I love too

15:51

much paprika. Oh, come on now.

15:53

Come on. You're denigrating an entire region

15:56

of people. Sure. We should have never

15:58

bought it. All right. Number three,

16:00

7 plus 1 New Year's resolutions, Firestein.

16:02

Oprah is going to go to the

16:04

gym every day. That's nice. Oh,

16:06

I'm sorry. She's going to go to

16:08

Jimmy John's every day. What? I thought

16:10

she was going to get physically

16:12

fit. No. The

16:17

worst part about Oprah, do you guys remember

16:19

in the 90s, it was an epidemic of her

16:21

always, she was dispensing some kind of diet

16:24

or health advice. It's like, yeah, yeah, I'm sure

16:26

it works for you. We'll wait a couple

16:28

weeks. Yes. There's a

16:30

surefire way to lose weight and then gain it

16:32

back. Yeah. She always had do a Surefire

16:34

Way, which was confusing. Because she did. If you

16:36

have a Surefire Way, you don't need another

16:38

one. She did lose a lot of weight a

16:40

lot of times. Well, that's when she was

16:42

on the Gayle King diet. Oh,

16:44

just eating snacks. Oh. That's

16:50

a high -calorie diet. Sorry, they're

16:52

just pals. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No,

16:54

no, no. Stedman knows how

16:56

to love. Long time. I'm on

16:58

the carpet diet. Call

17:01

me Stanley Steamer. Eating textiles. We

17:04

don't do that here. All right,

17:06

number two, leftist New Year's resolutions.

17:08

Kamala Harris is going to stop

17:10

drinking before noon. That's more of

17:12

a fact. We don't

17:14

know if that ever went through. And

17:17

number one, Geraldine, number

17:19

one leftist New Year's resolution.

17:21

Disneyland is actually adding

17:23

a new park called DEI

17:25

Kingdom. Sorry. Don't

17:27

get eaten by Gator. not going

17:29

to work. Okay. And the plus one

17:31

is actually seven plus one news resolutions.

17:33

Brian Stelter is going to try, but

17:36

then he's going to, and I know usually you'd play us

17:38

out, but we have a bunch of others too, because like this

17:40

is one. By

17:45

the way, you know

17:47

what? It's not really

17:49

fair. Brian Stelter is

17:51

not as big as

17:53

you think. That's a

17:55

shellfish reaction. Oh,

17:57

come on. It's puffy. We

18:02

had some additional leftist. Oh, I thought you

18:04

were like, I was a dig at noodles.

18:06

I thought you were saying like shellfish, like

18:08

he's hogging that sandwich. No, no, no. I

18:10

was saying it was a shellfish reaction because,

18:12

you know. Oh, I see.

18:14

a scrap. It doesn't have to be great. Fine.

18:18

So these are the New Year's resolutions. We can

18:21

go through them. First minute, Josh, what is

18:23

it? It's. Whoopi Goldberg is

18:25

going to finally get tested for lice.

18:27

What? I don't have lice, child. Jeez.

18:31

Yeah, still just act like there's...

18:33

No, don't shoot the lice. And another

18:35

way, Joe Biden is going to

18:37

transition from diapers to pull -ups. Well,

18:39

good for him. Making progress. Mommy, wow.

18:42

I'm a big boy now. I'm a

18:44

big boy now. Craps his pants.

18:47

One of my favorite moments of

18:49

all time was his rage

18:51

at Donald Trump. It was like

18:53

the rage. He like forgot

18:55

about the rage. Yeah, exactly. I

18:57

know it's like Harrison Ford

19:00

presidential kick him off your plane

19:02

rage. Yes, exactly. Get

19:04

out of my pull up. Now, Gerald,

19:06

the next one. Oh, yeah, this one

19:08

with his upcoming tie -off. Yeah, with his

19:10

upcoming tie -off, Pete Buttigieg will have another

19:12

butt baby. Wow. That's

19:14

nice for the nobody. Child

19:17

who's going through mental abuse right now.

19:19

Proper term is toilet baby now. Oh,

19:21

yeah. Another one.

19:23

Brian Seltzer will make over his

19:25

man cave. And that was going to

19:27

have a Photoshop, which was clearly gay. Because his man

19:29

cave is gay. What was the next one, Josh? I

19:31

don't even know why. There's two of them. Can I

19:33

choose one? Choose one, yeah. AOC

19:35

is going to finally learn how to

19:37

make a Jack and Coke. Oh, it

19:40

involves dancing. Hopefully.

19:43

That's the only way I would, you

19:45

know, Jack and Coke. So another one

19:47

is, oh, Hillary Clinton is going to

19:49

stop murdering people. Unlikely.

19:54

Unlikely. This one doesn't even make sense.

19:56

Gavin Newsom's going to stop playing with

19:58

matches. Oh, because they were fires. Oh!

20:01

At the time, this was hot.

20:03

This was hot stuff. Yeah,

20:05

this was hot off the press.

20:08

This was extra, extra. No

20:10

one should read all about it.

20:14

Chuck Schumer is going to take barbecue classes. Thanks

20:16

for stealing. I did. Yeah, absolutely. Cause you were

20:18

pausing. That one's good because of the cheese. He

20:20

put the cheese on the burger on the grill.

20:22

Yeah. This one I want to explain. Okay. Yeah.

20:24

A joke is always best when it needs explaining.

20:26

Yeah, let's do that. This one

20:28

was written about someone in Congress who I don't

20:30

know who they are, but their name sounds

20:32

like a baseball player. So it's confusing. David Ortiz

20:35

is going to stop skipping leg day. I

20:37

think that's a crippled guy. Oh.

20:39

I think that's a wheelchair guy,

20:41

actually. Shows how much we care.

20:43

Where, again, I'm not going to lie to you. I

20:45

don't know. He could be. Let's

20:48

say he is. Makes it

20:50

funnier. Makes it passable. For sure.

20:52

Michelle Obama. These are leftist New Year's

20:54

resolutions. Michelle Obama will finally work

20:56

on her traps. Just

20:58

kidding. It's her strong

21:00

suit. She doesn't need any

21:02

trap work. It's always trap day. It's always

21:04

day. Oh, man. This one's really messed up. I'm

21:08

trying to remember. Yeah, when we wrote this,

21:10

it was after. Okay, you'll understand why. It was

21:12

already after. Go ahead and read it,

21:14

Josh. Jimmy Carter will be taking

21:16

some time off. He was dead. Well,

21:19

so will Val Kilmer. Yikes,

21:22

Gerald. Well, I mean, read

21:24

the room. I'm a fan,

21:26

and it's sad. It is sad because he's

21:28

under 95. Yeah, you're all torn up about

21:30

it. Yeah, you're a real maverick. Sure. Okay,

21:33

I'm just going to rattle through these. I'm

21:35

a saint. are about? Joy Behar will finally

21:37

find out what smell is. Bang. That

21:40

sounded so funny. Jay -Z

21:42

is going to sleep with fewer minors. Diddy's

21:46

going to throw less parties. Elliot

21:48

Page is seriously thinking about transitioning into

21:51

something. Justin Trudeau will be

21:53

getting back with the gang for a new minstrel

21:55

show tour. That one could have been good with

21:57

a Photoshop. Yeah. Alec

22:02

Baldwin is applying for his concealed carry

22:04

permit. Yeah,

22:06

I'd be worried. Forgive me if I think

22:09

he's a little rusty. Shut

22:12

up, shellfish. You

22:18

started this. You did. You started this, and I

22:21

was trying to make it so you didn't feel

22:23

like you were alone in it, and then you

22:25

made me feel like I was alone in it.

22:27

Piece of shit. Tim

22:33

Walls is going to try and get that

22:35

head coaching job. Good for him. Is that a

22:37

football thing or is that a sexual thing?

22:39

I know. I don't understand the next one at

22:41

all. Tom Hanks is going to make more

22:43

time for Greece. What? Because

22:46

he's a Greek citizen because he's

22:48

an accused pedophile. Huh.

22:50

You can be a pedophile in Greece. It's

22:52

a whole thing that's... I didn't write it.

22:54

This next one doesn't work anymore. Harry Sisson

22:56

is going to have to find a new

22:58

sugar daddy. But now we know he's not

23:00

gay. Yeah, well, we

23:03

can hope. Let's just do

23:05

the last one because we don't need the

23:08

rest. The last one, Josh. Stephen Colbert is

23:10

going to try comedy. Oh, there you go.

23:12

There's a novel idea. This has been the

23:14

way too long this year 7 plus 1.

23:21

You forgot Stefan in the chamber. I

23:24

want to vindicate Josh. David

23:27

Ortiz is a wheelchair guy. Now

23:29

it's funny again. No,

23:31

wait. Hey, alley -oop me.

23:33

Alley -oop me. Boom.

23:36

You guys hear the donk? Yeah. Oh, I

23:38

missed mine. missed the second one. We

23:41

need a black guy in here. So.

23:44

I've been saying that for a while. I know, but

23:46

for different reasons. That's when you came back from

23:48

Thunder Down Under. You're

23:51

on a theme. He's used to

23:53

a certain, you know. I prefer

23:55

Thunder from Deep South. Yes. That's

23:58

because you got them swamp boys.

24:00

They're swamp ass. They used to

24:02

call me Swamp Thing. James

24:06

Carville is a member of Thunder Down

24:08

Under. Gross. We're presenting now,

24:10

coming up to the stage,

24:12

Swamp Thing. Get it now. Get

24:14

it. Get it. Shake your

24:16

swamp thing. Come on. Fiddle

24:18

with it. like it was a gator

24:20

strip, nah? Nah? Nah?

24:25

That's so stupid. That's

24:27

James Carville's gator boppers. Carville

24:31

and the gator boppers. That's some

24:34

etouffee and naked people. That's right.

24:36

That's some old Carville caramel. What?

24:38

You're gross. Oh, James Carville

24:41

and the gumbo girl. I'm horny.

24:44

Alright. So, you might

24:46

remember a few weeks

24:48

back. When this European

24:50

member of Parliament, Raphael

24:52

Glucksmann, far -left Frenchman, demanded

24:55

that Americans return the Statue of

24:57

Liberty to France. Here's a refresher. As

25:31

a man who speaks

25:33

French, I still do readily

25:36

admit that there's no

25:38

way for it to not

25:40

sound gay. That's true. I

25:43

can't even do it. American? Well, it

25:45

sounds very different from French -Canadian. Like, okay, I'll

25:47

give it to you. Without even speaking

25:49

French, see if you can hear the difference. Like,

25:51

French -Canadian is redneck, and French from France is,

25:53

like, please get me a penis. So,

25:56

like, French -Canadian would be like, ah,

25:59

si carliste, j 'allais au camping, pis

26:01

j 'ai claqué mon windshield. Right? It

26:03

doesn't sound pretty... Si je suis parisien,

26:05

j 'aime sucer le penis. I

26:09

got the last part. I heard penis. I

26:19

feel like you

26:21

have to do that

26:23

thing with your

26:25

mouth. You make it

26:28

look like a

26:30

bottle. Back

26:39

that up over here. So we

26:41

came up with a bunch of

26:44

different bits of the Statue of

26:46

Liberty thing, giving it back before

26:48

we ended up landing on, and

26:50

you saw these photoshops, Gluckman's backup

26:52

offer. Oh,

26:54

that's right. A historic show where

26:56

we take it for, I think it

26:58

was 40 cases of French wine. Nude

27:02

Beaches. Nude Beaches and half of Gérard Depardieu.

27:04

I know why we went with half of

27:06

Gérard Depardieu. Because it's funny. Leave that to

27:08

me. I don't know. It's funnier.

27:10

Yeah, it is funnier. It is funny. That's not

27:12

even the first iteration of half of Gérard Depardieu.

27:14

We saw it. We're like, that's wrong. Yeah, we

27:16

were like, no, we need just the top half.

27:18

Yeah. And we need it to be a little

27:21

bloody, and he's got to be smiling. Yes. And

27:23

then we also had another Photoshop as to what

27:25

Donald Trump was going to use the cash for

27:27

after pawning the Statue of Liberty. And then it

27:29

was using, yeah, Tesla. Yeah. Skis. Didn't

27:31

we end up using that somewhere else? No, we did. We

27:33

did use it. Oh, okay. We did use it. What

27:35

you didn't see was our first

27:37

idea, which was President Trump proposed giving

27:39

it up and replacing it with

27:42

a statue of RFK. Actually,

27:46

no, I kind of

27:48

don't mind it. I've

27:52

forgotten. I think we did it, and

27:54

then someone was like, why does he have a zin? I'm like,

27:56

don't you know he had a zin at the hearing, at the

27:58

confirmation? I'm like, ah, I guess if you You gotta cut it.

28:00

Just cut it. Yeah, you gotta cut it. I

28:03

thought that was pretty funny. I

28:06

think you would. For

28:09

71, he looks pretty jacked. Yeah. Which is

28:11

exactly what you can expect if you get

28:13

the jacked up fitness power rack. Yeah. The

28:15

pro. Actually, right now, I think they're out

28:17

of, or right now, temporarily out of the

28:19

evolution because so many of you went and

28:22

purchased it. I know they're adding more stock

28:24

to it, but the jacked up Power Rack

28:26

Pro is, I mean, it's the best. It's

28:28

the top of the line where you'll never

28:30

need to upgrade anything. The pulley system is

28:32

incredibly, we have one here at the office

28:34

gym. It's what we largely use. It comes

28:36

with a full set of their branded bumper

28:38

plates. And by the way, that means they're

28:41

all the same diameter, which makes it quite

28:43

convenient. For example, if you have to deadlift

28:45

and you don't want to have to do

28:47

a deficit, they have a fully adjustable incline

28:49

-decline bench, which comes with it. And they

28:51

also, by the way, have some daily video

28:53

workouts. Oh, yeah. We don't necessarily need this,

28:55

but if you're new and you're getting started,

28:57

they're very helpful. You just hit play and

29:00

you can go watch their videos. So use

29:02

the promo code CROWDER, save 10 % off your

29:04

entire purchase, and go to getjackedup.com. What

29:06

does it say? Someone tried to thought this was cute.

29:08

It says gravelly voice not included. That's not good, guys.

29:13

Are they giving us jokes? That's

29:15

no good. Maybe. Gravelly voice not

29:17

included. Is it just me? And I have

29:19

this written twice, the commercial in front of me.

29:21

All right. That's good. RFK. Let's go JFK. Okay.

29:29

Help me out. I don't think we should

29:31

do the gunshots. Hey,

29:34

Billy saved it, Gerald. Yeah, exactly. Just make

29:37

sure that if we're talking to JFK, the

29:39

gunshot, there's a ricochet sound of a second

29:41

shooter. I'm

29:43

trying to remember where this is going because

29:45

I'm like, how tasteless is this going to be?

29:47

Every now, every time I do this, I'm

29:49

always a little worried because it's either something like,

29:51

okay, shouldn't have made air or it's something

29:53

that we absolutely did not want the public to

29:55

see. And when I'm thinking JFK and what's

29:57

been surrounding, I'm like, this could go sideways. Are

30:00

we going to be like, it was the

30:02

Jews. Yeah. Well, I mean, we're obviously all starting

30:04

from that premise. So

30:07

are there a lot of.

30:09

I don't know. There was a

30:11

rabbi on the grassy knoll.

30:14

So just look, we'll go back

30:16

in time, okay? Again, scrapyard.

30:18

Recently, President Trump appeared at the

30:20

Kennedy Center and announced the

30:22

release of the JFK files. We

30:24

are tomorrow announcing and giving

30:26

all of the Kennedy files. So

30:29

people have been waiting for decades for

30:31

this. I don't believe we're going to redact

30:33

anything. I said, just don't redact. You

30:35

can't redact. Have you seen what's in the

30:37

files? Have you read them? I've heard

30:39

about them. Anything interesting? It's going

30:41

to be very interesting. It's many

30:44

pages. Is it 80 ,000 pages? Approximately

30:46

80 ,000 pages. So it's a

30:48

lot of stuff. And

30:50

you'll make your own determination. My

30:53

prediction? It was murder. So

30:58

we had some other material here

31:00

this day, which was that rumblings.

31:02

Oh, okay. I remember this. Yeah.

31:04

I don't like it. Rumblings

31:08

was really Ted Cruz's dad

31:10

all along. Uh -oh. And

31:15

it was take your kid to work

31:17

day. And

31:21

Alex Jones was right all along. And

31:28

I think this is because that was not Dealey Plaza at

31:30

all. No, that's what it was. We're like, what? It's like

31:32

a fence and a road. Little

31:37

Ted Cruz, a big Ted Cruz head

31:39

and a lollipop. That is fun. It

31:41

saves it a little. That is fun.

31:43

But for some reason, we thought the

31:45

historical accuracy as to the location was the

31:47

rate limiting factor in this. We

31:50

had other jokes. We had other ones. No,

31:52

that works. That works out pretty well. By the

31:54

way, I thought it was hilarious that all

31:56

this did. He's like, ah, it's pretty eye -opening.

31:58

All this did was make people go, the Jews

32:00

killed Kennedy. Because they're like, oh, the

32:02

CIA redacted the Israel stuff and all the Jews

32:04

But they didn't. That's the funny

32:06

thing. They didn't because people were like, they redacted. It's

32:08

like, you're reading Israel right here. No, I know.

32:10

Exactly. We talked about that. But when he said that,

32:12

now that I know, like in hindsight, either he

32:14

knew exactly what he was doing or he had no

32:16

idea what he was doing there. Right. Hey,

32:18

I had a question. Do you have some of

32:20

the BTS slots in there at all? Because I

32:22

don't know. No? I think I could get them.

32:24

Yeah. Okay. If you want to grab a couple,

32:26

we can combine that here with the scrapyard. Here's

32:29

the other story that we had covered. Guys,

32:31

did I miss anything? Anyone want to? No.

32:34

Just me. You're good. Hey, well, hold

32:36

on. One quick question. Oh, yeah? Did

32:38

you see on the Statue of Liberty how

32:40

they said that that was actually a satanic? Who

32:43

did? Somebody was on

32:45

Joe Rogan's show. He said it was actually a

32:47

statue of Satan. Can you pull up the side

32:49

-by -side for that? The Statue of Liberty and Satan?

32:52

They're saying that it was like an ancient. It

32:54

looks exactly like Satan because they're like, it's a

32:56

far too masculine looking woman. That's not the statue.

32:58

I did always it was a pretty manly looking

33:00

woman. It is a little manly. I'll give you

33:02

that. This person has

33:04

a shackle on their ankle just like this

33:06

satanic statue did. That right there. Oh my

33:08

god. So what's really interesting, do me a

33:10

favor, find the painting of Lucifer and get

33:13

the full painting. Because when you look at

33:15

it like that, you're like, wow, that looks

33:17

pretty similar. Both arms are up in that

33:19

painting. Exactly. In the painting, both arms

33:21

are up, the legs are spread, kind of like

33:23

staggered, like they're taking a stance or something like

33:25

that. I can't remember. But this made the rounds

33:27

when everybody started like, I can't believe it. And

33:29

this guy's like, look, it's Lucifer. a

33:32

Statue of Liberty. And it's the French. It's

33:34

a statue and it's a picture. We don't

33:36

actually know what Lucifer looks like. That's true.

33:38

That's true. But if they're saying, hey, this

33:40

is Lucifer. I mean, the Koreans think that

33:42

Jesus is ripped and has slanted eyes. Yes,

33:44

I know. He is. I

33:47

mean, I believe he's ripped, but I think he

33:49

had eyes wide open. He used the jacked up

33:51

fitness. Yes, he did. I'm sure. What do you

33:53

think he went away for three days to do,

33:55

Josh? Yeah. He wanted to get in shape, get

33:57

ripped, come back. Yeah, he needed three days of

34:00

recovery. There you go. Get that pump on. Celebrate

34:03

Easter with a jacked up. Oh,

34:05

God. Jacked up Jesus. Jacked up

34:08

evolution. Resurrect

34:10

yourself. From the three days

34:12

of being a pussy. One

34:14

guess why Gerald wanted to pull

34:16

this painting. I didn't know that. Wow,

34:18

Gerald. You begged us.

34:20

No one brought this up. Gerald

34:22

wanted it. I didn't realize that. Am

34:25

I the only one, though, who

34:27

does recognize that, hey, whoever did a

34:29

very respectable job on Lucifer's wheels.

34:31

Nice quads. Yeah, that's some good legs.

34:34

Yeah, he can move. Satan never skips leg day.

34:36

No, he definitely does not. Same thing with the

34:38

statue of David. You know, it's funny. Tiny

34:40

penis, everything else. Aside from the tiny penis.

34:43

Yeah. But you look at the, which, by the

34:45

way, I don't know why you have a

34:47

problem with it. No, it's hilarious that all the

34:49

old... It looks pretty big to me. Yeah.

34:51

Oh, yeah. Okay, sure. What are you, Chinese? Yeah.

34:53

Okay, humble brag. Jeez. Tall,

34:56

handsome, gifted. the standard of... You'd have to use

34:58

a banana leaf on me. A fig leaf won't

35:00

cover it. It's funny to me, because I'll talk

35:03

about the differing, sort of changing standards of beauty

35:05

in women. And that's kind of true. Not

35:07

for men. Even back then, it's like, oh,

35:09

yeah, for a very handsome man, you have to

35:11

be jacked and ripped, which is very difficult

35:13

to attend. Can you bring up that statue, the

35:16

famous David statue? And,

35:18

you know, the one thing that you do notice,

35:20

though, for sure, because you had a lot of

35:22

athletes back then, when you're even going back to

35:24

Greece, but you did have a lot of athletes,

35:26

the original Olympians. They're jacked and they're ripped, but

35:28

here's the primary difference that you notice, and this

35:30

is kind of developed with the modern advent of

35:32

weightlifting, because they would lift up boulders, you know

35:34

I mean? They'd lift up other people. Very practical.

35:36

But there really was no horizontal, like a bench

35:38

press. So they typically always have pretty big legs.

35:40

And even for today, be like, okay, a guy

35:42

has big legs, pretty big shoulders, wiry arms, but

35:44

they don't have the pecs. The pecs kind of

35:46

have to be artificially created. You have to kind

35:48

of position yourself horizontally. Nowhere do you really do

35:50

that naturally. Yeah. You can do push -ups, I

35:52

guess, but that's it. It wouldn't get you, you

35:54

know, like the Arnold pecs. Like it requires a

35:56

lot of work. But yeah, if we bring up

35:58

the Statue of David. Yeah, see,

36:00

they've always... Sunui, legs, and then if you look

36:02

at the other soldiers back then, you're like, okay, but

36:04

they never had big pecks. Good set of nuts

36:06

on that guy. Big set of nuts. Yeah, it's bigger

36:09

than his penis. Look at that. That's

36:11

normal, Gerald. Okay, I'm

36:13

sorry. I'm just saying... It's not

36:15

weird. Your nuts are supposed to

36:17

be larger than your pecker. It's nature's

36:19

bench rest. Yes. I

36:25

can't say anything else. So...

36:29

A little while ago, we

36:31

covered a Senate hearing where

36:33

Rabbi Levi Shemtov raised the

36:35

issue not only of anti -Semitism

36:37

on campus, but it's not

36:39

enough to not be anti

36:41

-Semitic. You have to be

36:43

anti -Semitic. Here's a refresher. Anti

36:46

-Semitism is not just an

36:48

age -old prejudice. It is a

36:50

contemporary crisis manifesting on campuses

36:52

across the nation. It

36:55

is not enough for individuals or

36:57

institutions to merely claim they are not

36:59

anti -Semitic. As my father

37:01

once taught me, it is not

37:03

enough for people, especially public figures,

37:05

to be neutral or not be

37:07

anti -Semitic. One must be anti -anti -Semitic.

37:09

We must demand the same of

37:11

our universities and government institutions. This

37:13

hearing, in my opinion, is an attempt

37:15

to be just that, anti -anti

37:18

-Semitic. Well, I want to play that

37:20

again, and it still makes me kind

37:22

of angry. I didn't

37:24

notice before in the background, if you look,

37:26

it kind of looks like the Orthodox

37:28

Mafia, like the one guy. But then

37:30

if you look the back and watch this

37:32

clip to his right, our left, it

37:34

looks like that guy is constantly looking

37:36

toward the door for like an active shooter

37:39

scenario. Watch. Anti -Semitism

37:41

is not just an age

37:43

-old prejudice. It's a contemporary

37:45

crisis manifesting on campuses across

37:47

the nation. It

37:49

is not enough for individuals or institutions

37:52

to merely claim they are not

37:54

anti -Semitic. Whoa, whoa, those

37:56

things are crossing a little bit.

37:58

People, especially public figures, to be

38:00

neutral or not be anti -Semitic.

38:02

One must be anti -Semitic. We must

38:04

demand the same. He keeps looking

38:06

over. He's looking at that Jewish

38:08

guy. He doesn't trust him. Look,

38:10

he keeps looking. He keeps

38:12

looking. I wonder if there's a

38:14

rabbi off camera with like a rattle.

38:17

Hey. What? Hey. It's

38:20

just weird. The dreidel. Hey. So,

38:22

Rabbi, you can't say anti -anti -Semitic.

38:24

We, of course, asked what this

38:26

rabbi wanted us to do to

38:28

make our colleges more pro -Jew

38:30

with this Photoshop. Yeah.

38:33

That's right. Jew! Yeah.

38:36

What we didn't air I never wore that

38:38

shirt. And the reason... Scrapyard. By the way,

38:41

just so you know, we are shielded from

38:43

any and all legal liability. Or offense that

38:45

may be caused because it's Scrapyard. Yeah, that's

38:47

true. Yeah, we didn't mean for this to

38:49

happen. We actually air it. Yeah. We talked

38:51

about how we didn't air it. Exactly. Right.

38:53

And referenced it. It's completely different. That is

38:55

true. Yeah. It's like saying the N word

38:58

in a rap song. Yes. It's exactly like

39:00

that. What

39:02

we didn't air was the other

39:05

part of this bit. So

39:07

to help with the cause, some campuses.

39:09

All right, I'll go back as though in the

39:12

present time. To help with the cause, some campuses

39:14

are offering free star of David armband so that

39:16

everyone knows who to be nice to. Yeah,

39:21

we needed the

39:23

band. The

39:25

everything else wasn't enough. The

39:28

face that says, I make the

39:30

bagels, wasn't enough. That's

39:35

a reference to the Dunkin' Donuts guy, right? I

39:37

make the donuts. What happened

39:39

to that guy? He's probably dead.

39:41

The face that said, I could

39:43

set your jewelry. Yes, exactly. Hey,

39:46

come see me in the Diamond District. Why did

39:48

they all sound like that, by the way? That

39:50

rabbi had that accent. He's from Reno. Yeah,

39:52

I don't know. I

39:54

really don't know. He's probably from New York. This

39:57

is a new watch. And I always say, you

39:59

know, I know what you're saying. Is this watch

40:01

battery powered? Is it solar powered? No, it's me

40:04

powered. Well, you got their Blue's Clues. No,

40:06

no, no. What do you got there? Peppa Pig.

40:10

It's clock. Yes. The one thing,

40:12

though, with these watches, and I

40:14

do like it, is the calendar

40:16

always goes to 31. So

40:19

you always have to reset it, like, on the first of

40:21

the month. Wait, you said you do like it? No, that

40:23

I don't like it. Oh, you don't. was about to say,

40:25

yeah. Why do you take what I say and then pervert

40:27

No, I thought you said do. I didn't say do. Well,

40:29

I mean, I just wasn't paying attention. You didn't hear me

40:31

say I like it. You heard me say I don't like

40:33

it. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I heard you say that. have

40:35

to turn to him who sold me out over the crab

40:37

being a crab and not a lobster and Little Mermaid? You

40:39

know that what you just said makes no sense. you bringing

40:41

this back up? Yeah. I'm bringing it back up because you're

40:43

not a man truth. Actually, we don't even remember that. Yeah.

40:45

I think he's making it up. He hasn't made up. Uh

40:48

-oh. Noodle's belly too, and I

40:50

think Gerald's dropping acid again. I didn't wash

40:52

the little mermaid. I'm not woke enough. Nope.

40:54

No. I'm just saying you sold me out

40:56

last time, and I haven't forgotten. You

40:59

know, you were a vindictive for a

41:01

big man. remember. You are a very small

41:03

person. I remember. Shut

41:07

up. You are petty

41:09

and small -minded. Thank

41:11

you. For such a large

41:13

Aryan. We

41:16

were just talking about stand -up bits that

41:18

you've had to scrap. Yes. Do you have

41:20

some that stick out? There are some that

41:22

I find funny. Either I didn't get the

41:24

point across right, or I didn't get the

41:26

wording across right, but the audience didn't receive

41:28

them as well as I'd hoped. Okay. Like

41:30

I did this one bit. I've

41:33

always had a fantasy of having

41:35

sex with a deaf girl. Deaf?

41:38

Yeah. Okay. Just so that she could

41:40

sign her safe word. okay it doesn't work

41:42

no and then i would not really

41:44

a couple guys will laugh but then i

41:46

would turn around and go like like

41:48

that and go i'm surprised that didn't work

41:50

i think it's the voice i think

41:53

that's the part oh is that i go

41:55

i don't know what that means speak

41:57

english bitch maybe if you add it be

41:59

like well the problem is after sleeping

42:01

with if you you know do that and

42:03

tag it with the problem is after

42:05

sleeping with multiple deaf women turns out they

42:07

all have the same safe word and

42:09

sign it's How

42:13

many ways can you sign stop? I

42:17

am surprised that didn't work. I had

42:19

a bit like that about Charlie Brown

42:21

shooting up the school when I was

42:23

young. Really? That's very similar. No,

42:26

I'm just saying it was tough to make work

42:28

because I had him like holding Linus hostage and

42:30

like making him cuddle his blankie and saying his

42:32

last words. It was one of those things that

42:34

was early on where it was too dark and

42:36

I didn't know how to transition it into something

42:38

funny. I did have some things that I would

42:40

have to, so I had to scrap. I had

42:42

a bit about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and

42:44

the piece of crap grandfather who was a cripple

42:46

until he knew he could get some free chocolate

42:48

because. John Mulaney ended up doing something

42:51

very similar. I was like, well, then people will think

42:53

that I lifted it. Yeah. The

42:55

same thing I stopped doing. Well, I kind of

42:57

stopped doing the one bit that I did about Donald

42:59

Trump at debates because Shane Gillis, and his is

43:01

very funny, he did it even though after, like mine

43:03

goes back to 2015, you can see a YouTube

43:05

installment. Like, ah, well. He it on a special. Yeah,

43:08

he did it on a special. That's good impression.

43:10

You just don't want to feel like you run into

43:12

the same territory. Yeah. But,

43:14

you know, I don't.

43:16

Yeah. Even

43:18

any of the bits that you scrapped, Josh? Yeah, lots

43:20

of them. I

43:23

was going to say something, and then you went into

43:26

the Shane Gillis thing. Oh, it was a joke that

43:28

I did. It was exactly the same as somebody else's,

43:30

and I didn't want to keep doing it because I

43:32

felt like I was lifting it. I

43:34

read Jim Gaffigan's book. I read part of

43:36

it. I actually stopped reading the book when I

43:38

read the joke that I used to tell on stage, and it was right

43:40

after my wife and I had our first baby. That's what I'd say. I said,

43:42

my wife and I just had our first baby. It

43:44

was delicious. Okay. But

43:47

that's what was in his book. It's like

43:49

word for word that. And then another time I

43:51

had done that was it's not the exact

43:53

same joke, but it's the same style. And I

43:55

feel like he owns it. But Mitch Hedberg

43:58

has a joke where he goes, I used to

44:00

do drugs. I still do drugs,

44:02

but I used to, too. Yeah. And

44:04

everyone knows that joke. Every comic knows that joke.

44:06

And one time I was telling a story about my

44:08

brother and he has Down syndrome. And I said. Right.

44:11

Okay. Okay,

44:13

Charlie Brown. I said

44:15

the words wrong. I

44:18

meant to say something like growing up, my brother

44:20

had Down syndrome and then go into the story. But

44:22

I said, when I was a kid, my brother

44:24

had Down syndrome. And then, oh, he still

44:26

does. But immediately I was like, oh, you freaking

44:28

hack. No, but that's just probably, that was just like

44:30

a word whisker. That's funny. A word whisker? Well,

44:32

I just mean, it's like, you know, it tickles you.

44:34

Well, no, you said it. Well, did you write

44:36

it or did you set it on the spot? I

44:38

set it on the spot. Yeah, I think that's

44:40

funny. Well, I'm not gonna do it again. I mean,

44:42

unless he's the first, like, he'd be a miracle

44:44

of modern medicine if he just like woke up one

44:46

day and came out looking like Jude Law. You

44:50

donated a chromosome. you do? You just, you run

44:52

some. You've been doing that Instagram.

44:54

It's the other way around. Down syndrome has

44:56

an extra chromosome. So it's like if they could

44:58

surgically remove one and then his eyes would

45:00

go back to normal, that would be incredible. Oh,

45:03

here's another bit, too, about my brother. See, there's

45:05

a lot of bits about my brother I don't tell

45:07

on stage because I'm like, there's no way. I

45:09

do a great impression of my brother, but I'm not

45:11

going to do it because people are going to

45:13

be so offended. Why? He's your brother. Don't let them

45:15

take that from you. Yeah, the voice feels like

45:17

a little too much. Really? Sometimes, yeah.

45:20

I'm not going to force you anything you're

45:22

uncomfortable with, but I want to see this. I'm

45:26

not going to do it. No, I'm not

45:28

going to do it. Do it. It's the

45:30

live scrapping. I told you. I

45:33

told you, you are the worst sneaky food in

45:35

the house. I don't even know him, but I feel

45:37

like I'm there. Yeah. I

45:39

used to sleep eat. What?

45:42

Sleepy? Yeah, I would get up in the middle of

45:44

the night and eat food. I didn't realize that it

45:46

was me doing it until I was in the Army,

45:48

and I got caught by my platoon sergeant. While

45:50

he was sleeping, I was butt naked.

45:52

I slept naked. We're in Afghanistan. Whatever. I

45:55

sleep naked always. It's the only way to sleep.

45:57

Butt naked in front of him eating the Oreos

45:59

that his wife had just sent him. No. I

46:01

ate the whole container. He said, I don't want

46:03

to wake you up because, I mean, I could

46:05

take you. But sleep, you're not

46:07

supposed to wake up a sleepwalker. No, no, no, no,

46:09

no. Plus you're naked. So I

46:11

basically just right in front of him was eating

46:13

the Oreos that his wife had sent. And that's

46:15

when I discovered that another guy was like, oh,

46:17

yeah, I saw you eating in your sleep the other

46:20

month or whatever. And so I was like, oh,

46:22

have I been doing this my whole life? And

46:24

then it just had like a revelation in my

46:26

head, like all the times in my life where

46:28

I've been sleep eating and it got blamed on

46:30

my brother. Because he had Down syndrome. And

46:33

so my dad would find cereal

46:35

bowls with just a little bit

46:37

of milk in the bowl. hidden

46:39

under the bathroom sink. Yeah, of course you'd blame

46:41

him. And so that's my brother. My brother will hang

46:43

on to it for the rest of his life.

46:45

See, I told you. You are the one sneaky for

46:47

in the house. See, I don't even promise. He's

46:49

okay with it now. I

46:51

may have done it, but I'm not a

46:53

monster. Yeah, exactly. I'm the monster just letting

46:56

him take the blame for this. Oh, man,

46:58

that's like a nightmare where you're screaming and

47:00

nothing comes out. But he knows he's right

47:02

and no one believes him. It's

47:04

not because he's actually

47:06

doing it. I've

47:09

heard of that, and it is surprising,

47:11

because I get night terrors, and it is

47:13

surprising. But it's not as surprising as,

47:15

for example, it would be really crazy if

47:17

you woke up in the middle of

47:19

the night, people found you sleep dieting. Sleep

47:21

dieting? I wish I was. Keeping a

47:23

food journal? I wish I had sleep bulimia.

47:28

Sleeper side. And they blame it on your

47:30

brother. Ah! Ah, you puked in your brother's

47:32

bed again! No! Well,

47:34

I'm just going to say that you did because it's

47:36

easier for me to blame this on you than it

47:38

is for me to get to the bottom of it.

47:40

It's been, you know what, hey, maybe I'm getting the

47:42

short end of the stick, but this is part and

47:45

parcel of being retarded. We actually do

47:47

have, I believe, yeah, we have some behind the

47:49

scenes. So for some people, this is the first time

47:51

you're seeing this. Well,

47:53

not the show, but the first

47:55

time you've seen one of these segments

47:57

behind the scenes, BTS, the kids call

47:59

it. It's also a Korean band, I

48:01

believe. It's a K -pop band. Yeah,

48:03

it stands for Big Trans Sex. Okay.

48:06

All right, let's go with that. I was going

48:08

to say I can't tell the women from the men

48:10

with the K -pop band, so I don't even know.

48:12

I don't know if it's supposed to be their

48:14

equivalent to Spice Girls or NSYNC. It's all the same

48:16

to me. That's why I like the United States

48:18

of America, where the men are still men and the

48:20

women. All right, Korea, you got us

48:22

on that one. BTS,

48:24

do you want to see how the sausage is

48:26

made? Here you go. Okay,

48:44

and action. My

48:46

name is Crowder, Commander. So

48:50

sketches, a lot more goes into

48:52

them than it might seem. It's way

48:54

more involved than I thought it

48:56

would be. It starts off with the

48:58

writers. I do write sketches that

49:00

screw with people, personally. Like

49:02

Gerald. Wardrobe,

49:05

props. I freaked out when I got

49:07

here and I saw the production level.

49:10

I mean, just the wardrobe. I've done shows

49:12

at NBC and ABC. They don't have that

49:14

much wardrobe. Visual effects. I didn't realize what

49:16

everyone here was capable of. And so I

49:19

was writing things like, oh, we can't do

49:21

that. Can't do that. And then Johnny Boyd

49:23

would be like, why not? I'm like, oh, because, well, I

49:25

mean, it's got these multiple shots and it's part of

49:27

a movie. It's a parody and we got to bring

49:29

this. And he's like, that's not for us to figure

49:31

out. Okay,

49:34

we'll see if that gets made. And then sure enough,

49:36

it's amazing. I'm like, what? There's

49:39

so much that goes into

49:41

a 20, 30 second clip

49:43

on here. Wow. At

49:46

it. It's your friend Colonel Slanders

49:48

again. We've done so many good things

49:50

here. What was the one when

49:52

he was my psychiatrist? Sinead O 'Connor,

49:54

who I couldn't help but picture in

49:56

the back of my mind as

49:58

the many that Nick DiPaolo saw in

50:01

my Rorschach test. That's right. See

50:06

you again in two months. I like to

50:08

bat monies a lot. That's fun because I get

50:10

to be, I get to be a little

50:12

wild. And Josh, killer. Killer.

50:15

We're to lose everything. We're going lose

50:17

our country. to lose it. I'm losing my

50:19

mind here. I just take a lot

50:21

of hits. I do take a lot of

50:23

hits. I do a lot of falls. I

50:26

think physical comedy is funny. Billy

50:28

the Magician is probably my favorite in recent

50:30

years. I love getting to watch

50:32

Josh get smashed over the head with a

50:34

bottle. And

50:36

that magician's sleazy laugh. And the best part

50:38

is we've got to order those bottles.

50:40

We have a lot of stuff we do

50:42

for each of those. So every time

50:44

we do that bid, it's about a $30

50:46

bid, at least. Oh, the other thing

50:48

is crowded with his impressions. I know we

50:50

did a few boys. Back in the day,

50:52

someone like Kamala Harris would say, I

50:54

did sesame seed bun and french fries. But

50:56

now you have Donald Trump going like,

50:58

Oh, she loves french fries. She can't get

51:00

enough of them. She

51:03

just does the machine. I guess french

51:05

fries, onion rings. Popeyes!

51:07

I can't believe how talented he

51:09

is, and I'm not just kissing his

51:11

ass, because it's way too hairy

51:13

and sweaty. I'm November 5th. Don't interrupt,

51:15

Macho Man. November 5th, the choice

51:17

is clear. You want to have the

51:20

Don or one of these crutches

51:22

right there. I

51:28

could just toss anything at Steven, and he will

51:30

just run with it with an impression. I'm

51:35

doing a Brando thing, and they

51:37

replaced me with Josh, who was doing

51:39

a way better brand. That was

51:41

the best one yet. I'm out

51:43

of here. You talking to me? Oh, and I

51:45

got to say this. The Nick Diff, press secretary.

51:47

He also was the first guy to go see

51:49

the midget. Nick has no

51:51

idea what he's getting himself into.

51:54

He just goes in there, they

51:56

roll clips, and he rips. And

51:58

that's amazing to watch. The view. I

52:01

love the view. It's like

52:03

a horse view. We literally just

52:05

find clips of people asking

52:07

questions and then let Nick answer.

52:09

And it's so funny. Don

52:12

Lemon have to walk around in a

52:14

gay nightclub and ask those chaps. Still have

52:16

a gun on this trip. He does

52:18

that one take. The 20 questions, 20 answers,

52:20

one take, and then he's out of

52:23

there. And I'm like, dude, what

52:25

a pro. I can't believe I get to do that. Yeah,

52:28

dead silence. Just what

52:30

I thought. There's not another place

52:32

in the industry where you could just

52:34

change your role or say, hey,

52:36

I want to try mixing the show

52:39

today, or I went over an

52:41

audio, or you get to contribute, you

52:43

get to be on cam. I

52:48

never imagined writing before a show. It

52:50

was never really the goal for me to be a writer. It's

52:59

a dream I didn't know I

53:01

had come true. Three, two, and... There

53:04

are a lot of times, especially

53:06

when it comes to advertisements, that we're

53:08

finding we're shooting for a new

53:10

sponsor or something the day before it's

53:12

going to run. So we'll shoot

53:14

it early in the afternoon and we'll

53:16

end up turning a spot for

53:18

the next morning. Don't

53:24

let the IRS take advantage of you. When

53:26

it comes to the sketches of

53:29

the show, I don't think people understand...

53:31

how much work goes into producing

53:33

it. I've learned a

53:35

whole lot about what goes on behind the

53:37

scenes over the last, really call it

53:39

three, three and a half years. Look

53:42

at that, look, get it. There's

53:44

definitely... Yes, we can sell that. The lighting,

53:46

the boom, the costumes, the makeup, you

53:48

name it. And it's one of those things

53:50

where you watch everybody sort of do

53:52

their part and when everyone does it right,

53:54

it comes together and it's an awesome

53:56

thing. Everything

53:59

from the keying, the

54:01

compositing, the sound design.

54:03

Stream! Stream! Stream! Stream!

54:05

These are things that typically teams of

54:07

people would take months and months to achieve,

54:09

and we do it in record time

54:11

with a skeleton crew, and it's because they're

54:13

all rock stars. Make way for the

54:16

emperor. Make it cut.

54:18

We're trying to do all of it.

54:20

We're trying to be factually accurate. We're trying

54:22

to be funny. And then you're trying

54:24

to make sure that you're presenting information that

54:26

people can use. And to do all

54:28

of those things and on top of that,

54:30

record a bunch of sketches. Absolutely

54:32

round it. I don't want any foot fetish

54:34

people getting my feet. It's just everybody's so

54:36

different, but it makes it so well. It's

54:39

a lot of fun. And, you know, we

54:41

get to tease Gerald all the time. The

54:43

Trojan Man. And what a thick skin that

54:45

guy's got. You know what? It's a great

54:47

room. First of all, Stephen can slip into

54:49

any character at will, no matter what we're

54:51

talking about. I kind of... It's sort of...

54:53

Touch and go with the Jews right now.

54:55

And Gerald is smart as hell. There's always

54:57

going to be an adult in the room.

55:00

Save the Jews! I can't

55:02

figure him out. I take pride in

55:04

being able to read people. I've known

55:06

him for, what, a couple years now?

55:08

I have no idea. He'll get mad

55:10

at me if I make a joke.

55:12

He'll go, oh, like it's shocking. And

55:14

then he'll hit a Holocaust joke in

55:16

there. I can't figure him out. Josh

55:18

is a stand -up. Josh is naturally funny,

55:20

and he can do characters. And action.

55:23

Hey, I'm Colonel Slam. And the guys

55:25

that work, I don't want to forget

55:27

about the guys that work the soundboard

55:29

and all that other shit. Shasha, still

55:31

not nearly as gay, but also gay.

55:33

Options are limited. Noodles just

55:35

jumped in there. I was in a rhythm. Sorry. They

55:40

were all like guys, guys. And

55:43

I think it makes for a good mix. Like someone

55:45

on an island who hasn't eaten in a while and

55:47

your friend turns into a hot dog? Guys,

55:52

do you have a white mic, please? Comedy's

55:56

probably one of the most important

55:58

things that the world is desperately

56:00

in need of right now. Okay,

56:03

it's for the greater good. For

56:07

me, the best part of working here is the challenge. you

56:10

know, doing all that we do in the

56:12

time that we have it. I get to solve

56:14

problems all day. Jesse, I think I know

56:16

why the stuff keeps changing. I get to do

56:18

it with people that I adore. More

56:21

like a family here,

56:23

which sounds so f***ing cheesy.

56:27

It's the worst thing to say, but

56:29

yeah, I live with these people.

56:31

They're my friends. I think

56:33

that secretly people... People do

56:35

like me, although I am

56:37

the only person on staff

56:40

that Joe Lewis has bitten

56:42

repeatedly. I didn't even pet

56:44

her look in Joe Lewis's direction and

56:46

this happened. Go away. Scaredy.

56:49

When I'm on stage, I love it. Doesn't

56:51

matter where, whatever. This is just nothing but

56:53

fun. It's great. Doing something I love, doing

56:55

something that matters. Well, now she's grossing you

56:57

out. Let my kids see something that they

56:59

can do someday. Something that's actually realistic. Like,

57:01

I never had that growing up. I never

57:03

thought it was realistic to be. An entertainer

57:05

for a living? mean, I don't know. That

57:07

was crazy. I think that's important to see.

57:10

See your parents work hard and get

57:12

what they want, rather than what

57:14

I saw in my father, which was

57:16

work hard and get what you

57:18

get. I don't think many people get

57:20

that sort of opportunity. I can't

57:23

be! I mean, you look at people

57:25

that hate their jobs, and they

57:27

go out there and they're just making

57:29

ends to me. I'm just blessed

57:31

and lucky to be doing what I'm

57:33

doing. I love you! Cut.

57:40

Oh, what's to do right now? We're going?

57:44

Then we're going to hang out

57:47

in the Sesame Street set. Can

57:50

I ask you a personal question? Wow.

57:54

Can you hear that, Billy? George

57:56

is a Greek. I hate

57:58

that nickname, by the way. you

58:00

have anything you've written that

58:02

even you think is too much,

58:04

too dark for this show?

58:06

No, no, no. I haven't even

58:09

touched the tip of the

58:11

iceberg. I'm all for pushing boundaries.

58:13

I mean, I wrote a

58:15

sketch about six months back when

58:17

my grandmother was shredded. So,

58:20

I mean, it didn't air. Can

58:24

you do this? Can you interview me in

58:26

front of Oscar the Grouch's house? That'd be fantastic.

58:29

All right, seven and a half, bitch. What?

58:32

If I actually showed my daughter those sketches,

58:34

she's 10. Now she wants me to do a

58:36

sketch with her where she gets to hit

58:38

me with a glass bottle, so I'm not going

58:40

to do that, though. Because

58:42

I could kick her ass, dude. She's

58:44

like this high. We get

58:46

the f***ing f*** to the f***ing f***.

58:49

Can I say that? I think

58:51

I did. I mean, I rack at

58:53

least, probably, on a slow day,

58:55

a dozen inch -art violations. Which one?

58:57

F***ing butt! Yeah,

58:59

nice clutch! Let's f***! Trump loses day

59:01

one. What you think that looks like?

59:04

Looks like me going to the gun store. He's

59:09

a f***ing b***h

59:11

on wheels. Nick,

59:13

how long have

59:15

you not had

59:17

the use of

59:19

your plate? Told

59:23

me you weren't going to

59:25

ask about that. You

59:29

good? All right, kids. Anything else

59:32

you want to add? I do. I'd like not

59:34

to do the show anymore. Gerald's

59:36

really bugging me. I

59:39

hope it lasts. That's all. I need

59:41

the cash. Bang.

59:44

It's just not. So we are, of

59:46

course, going to see you. I don't

59:48

know what we are doing tomorrow, but

59:50

you know why? You know what? I'll

59:53

say this. Joe, we do have a name

59:55

for you when you're not around. No, don't tell

59:57

him. No? All right.

59:59

Would Would you believe it If he's

1:00:01

not around we call him old red

1:00:03

Billy. See tomorrow Change

1:00:30

animal That's what

1:00:32

I know You're

1:00:36

the first change animal

1:00:38

I got to follow I'm

1:00:41

the most sweetest