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All right, team, welcome back to

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the man talk show, Connor Beaton

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here. Today, we're gonna be

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talking about how to break

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the cycle of anxious attachment.

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I'm gonna be giving you

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three very specific things that

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I have seen work time

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and time again for you

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as an anxious person to

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get better results in your

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relationship, to end the anxious

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attachment cycle. So very briefly.

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anxious attachment, what is it?

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I like to say that

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at the foundation at the

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sort of core of an

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anxious attached person is I

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need you to be okay in

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order for me to feel safe.

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I need you to be okay in

0:48

order for me to feel like

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I matter or I'm loved

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or that my needs are

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important. And it's a kind

0:57

of chronic worrying in hypervigilance.

1:00

that is focused externally on

1:02

the other person. It's almost

1:05

like if I fixate on you enough,

1:07

if I focus on how you're

1:09

feeling enough and I can take

1:11

care of you and I can

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take care of you what you

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need and what you want and

1:18

I can make sure that you're

1:20

okay, maybe that will quell how

1:22

I'm feeling internally. Maybe that'll dissipate.

1:24

the anxiousness, the franticness, the panic,

1:26

the, you know, the anxiety that

1:29

I'm carrying around in my body

1:31

of like, are we okay? And

1:33

often, this is a very direct

1:35

result, pretty much always,

1:37

of a family system of

1:40

having caretakers of having parents

1:42

where you needed to

1:44

protect yourself from that

1:46

caregiver or parent, and that

1:48

you kind of were made

1:50

responsible for their emotional state,

1:53

right. So you were made responsible

1:55

for mom's emotional state. Maybe she

1:57

would punish you anytime that you

1:59

made her feel. upset or you disappointed

2:01

her, she would start to shame you

2:03

and berate you or belittle you.

2:05

Maybe you had to take care of a

2:07

parent in order to feel safe. You

2:09

kind of always walking on eggshells, you

2:12

never knew what you were gonna get.

2:14

You had to make sure that, you

2:16

know, mom or dad, right? Usually one

2:18

of them is usually like one person's

2:20

emotional state really took up all the

2:23

space in your family system. And maybe

2:25

it was a sibling, right? For some people

2:27

they have like a really volatile sibling who's

2:29

not okay and you know is sort of aggressive

2:32

and takes up a lot of space

2:34

in the family system, but usually it's

2:36

one of the caretakers. And maybe you

2:38

were responsible or felt responsible for taking

2:40

care of that parent in some capacity.

2:43

Maybe you actually did have to take care of

2:45

them. And so what you

2:47

wanted, what

2:49

you needed,

2:51

your sense

2:53

of safety.

2:55

your sense

2:57

of

3:01

safety

3:06

and

3:09

so.

3:12

there's a lack internally of I'm

3:14

okay on my own, I'm all right,

3:16

I'm safe on my own, safe inside

3:18

my body, I'm safe in this relationship,

3:20

and oftentimes anxious people

3:23

have a kind of

3:25

hypervigilance of worrying whether or

3:27

not the relationship is okay, or

3:29

a hypervigilance to whether or not

3:32

you're connecting the right way, right?

3:34

Like am I? doing the right things,

3:36

saying the right things, did I

3:38

communicate myself properly, all of that

3:40

kind of frenetic energy comes up

3:42

in the relationship with initiating

3:45

sex or sending text messages or

3:47

planning out dates or wondering whether

3:49

or not your partner is happy

3:51

with what you've done for their

3:53

birthday or whatever it is, right,

3:55

a date night, all of that

3:57

starts to show up and it shows up

3:59

even the small... moments, right? Like did

4:01

they like dinner? So let's talk

4:03

about the three things that I

4:05

have found time and time again

4:07

to support you as an anxious

4:09

person. And if you're not an

4:11

anxious person, but you're with an

4:13

anxious partner, this will be informative

4:15

for you as well. So let's

4:17

just dive straight in. Number one

4:19

is develop safety internally. Start to

4:21

develop safety internally because the anxious

4:23

attached person externalizes safety. So you

4:25

have externalized your safety onto somebody

4:27

else. And I usually get this

4:29

type of question all the time

4:31

from people of like, why is

4:33

it so hard for me to,

4:35

you know, when a relationship ends,

4:37

how come I can't let that

4:40

person go? How come I can't

4:42

move on? Well, usually it's because,

4:44

you know, obviously you miss them.

4:46

And maybe you love the relationship

4:48

and you love them. But usually

4:50

it's that you've externalized something onto

4:52

that other person. It's I found

4:54

it that it's very hard quite

4:56

often for anxious people to move

4:58

on past relationships. And what I

5:00

found is that more often than

5:02

not, it's hard for you as

5:04

an anxious attached person to move

5:06

on from a relationship because you've

5:08

externalized your sense of safety. And

5:10

so there's this kind of desperation

5:12

of I need to get them

5:14

back because otherwise I don't feel

5:16

safe. I don't feel okay. I

5:18

don't feel like I matter. I

5:20

don't feel like whatever it is,

5:22

right? Fill in the blank. I'm

5:24

not going to get my needs

5:26

met, etc. So number one, start

5:28

to develop that sense of safety

5:30

internally. So how do you do

5:32

this? This is a big question

5:34

I get from a lot of

5:36

people. Well, obviously, there's regulation techniques

5:38

that you can use, right? Your

5:41

breath is going to be the

5:43

modulation dial that's going to help

5:45

you down regulate. So when you're

5:47

anxious and stressed, and you feel

5:49

unsafe, your breath is probably much

5:51

more shallow, much quicker. Your heart

5:53

rate is elevated. All of those

5:55

types of things coincide anxiousness. Hopefully

5:57

I didn't induce that in you.

5:59

Just labeling it. I know sometimes

6:01

with anxious people, you're like, just

6:03

talking about this is making the anxious. So the breath is

6:05

the modulation dial for your stress levels in your body. So if

6:07

you want to move from a

6:09

stressed state or a what's called

6:12

a sympathetic dominant state where your

6:14

breath is elevated, you're breathing

6:16

faster, your heart rates up

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down to a parasympathetic dominant

6:21

state or a calm restful

6:23

relaxed state, you are going to want

6:25

to breathe in through the nose and out

6:27

through the mouth. So... Nice deep breath into

6:30

the nose. Longer exhales out the mouth. You

6:32

really want to focus in on having longer

6:34

exhales. Now obviously in certain situations that might

6:36

feel weird to do. If you're sitting in

6:39

line of the DMV and all of a

6:41

sudden you feel anxious and you're like, you

6:43

know, people might give you a look, but

6:45

whatever. We live in a strange world. Don't

6:48

worry about it. Do your breathing exercises. Or

6:50

if you're having a conversation and conflict

6:52

with your partner and you start to

6:54

do this breathing. That's okay, that's okay,

6:57

that's okay, right. So deep breath in,

6:59

exhaling out the mouth, nice long,

7:01

exhale, letting the exhale be longer, what

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this does is it forces your

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breath rate per minute down, which slows

7:08

down your heart rate, which sends

7:10

a signal to the brain

7:12

that says release less cortisol,

7:14

less adrenaline, less of the

7:17

stress, chemicals, neurochemicals into the

7:19

body. So start to focus in

7:21

on your breathing and start to

7:23

really practice slowing it down. At

7:25

first, this might be challenging. especially

7:28

if you are a person that has a good

7:30

amount of anxiety in your body, what you're

7:32

going to start to be aware of

7:34

is that your breath is usually quite

7:36

quick, probably quite shallow, that's okay, that

7:38

is normal, all right? Start to just

7:41

slow it down into the nose, out

7:43

through the mouth, box breathing, there's another

7:45

good one, inhale for four, exhale for

7:47

four, hold for four, hold for four,

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and just repeat that for three or

7:51

four minutes. The second thing that

7:53

you need to do to develop safety

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internally, is to begin to separate

7:58

your girlfriend, your... husband,

8:00

your wife, whatever, your partner,

8:02

separate their emotional state from

8:04

your sense of security. Okay?

8:06

Separate their emotional state from

8:08

your sense of security. What

8:11

this means is I'm okay

8:13

even though you're not. I'm

8:15

okay even though you're disappointed.

8:17

I'm okay even though you're

8:19

sad. I'm okay even though

8:21

you're angry with me. I'm

8:23

okay. I'm just okay, even

8:25

though you're feeling a heightened

8:28

sense of emotion. Now, this

8:30

is a really challenging thing

8:32

for a lot of anxious

8:34

attached people to do, because

8:36

normally in your past, it

8:38

was not safe for you

8:40

when a parent or a

8:43

caregiver was upset, right? There

8:45

was usually some type of

8:47

shame that was coming your

8:49

way, hypercriticism, maybe verbal abuse

8:51

or physical abuse. And so

8:53

your body's reacting in a

8:55

way where... it's trying to

8:57

protect you from a perceived

9:00

threat. And you're going to

9:02

have to start to work

9:04

to soothe and regulate yourself

9:06

in the moments when the

9:08

person that you love is

9:10

upset. All right, so they

9:12

get angry, they get sad,

9:14

they're disappointed in you, and

9:17

in that moment, you turn

9:19

inwards to yourself, breathe, remind

9:21

yourself, I'm okay, even though

9:23

they're upset. And actually say

9:25

that to yourself. almost like

9:27

a mantra. I'm okay, even

9:29

though they're upset, even though

9:32

they're angry, even though they're

9:34

disappointed, even though they're sad,

9:36

I'm okay. I don't need

9:38

to fix it, solve it,

9:40

take care of it, triage

9:42

it, I'm just going to

9:44

breathe and be okay even

9:46

though they're upset. Practicing that.

9:49

Such as yourself will inevitably...

9:51

have a scanning system relationally,

9:53

right? Scanning their partner's behavior,

9:55

scanning their decisions, scanning what

9:57

they're saying, scanning their choices,

9:59

and... it will be set,

10:01

almost incorrectly, so that you

10:03

start to see problems where

10:06

problems don't exist. You start

10:08

to worry, even though there's

10:10

nothing to worry about. You

10:12

misinterpret relational data, okay?

10:15

So start to notice, and this

10:17

is like, everybody has a

10:19

relational scanning mechanism, right? Like,

10:21

is my partner okay? Are

10:23

they happy? Are they upset?

10:25

Are they upset? Are they

10:27

upset? but for the anxious

10:30

attached person that relational scanning

10:32

mechanism is a bit faulty

10:34

and it's faulty in the sense

10:36

that it will start to see

10:38

problems where problems don't exist.

10:40

It'll start to set off the

10:42

alarm system in your body, in

10:44

your brain, even though there's no

10:46

cause for an alarm system to

10:48

go off. So what you need to

10:51

do is very clearly and very accurately

10:53

get a sense of what false alarms...

10:55

Are you starting to notice in your

10:58

relationship? What false alarms are you

11:00

starting to notice? For example, are

11:02

you constantly checking in with

11:04

your partner and thinking that they're

11:06

not okay when they're actually totally

11:08

fine? And nine times out of ten,

11:11

you think that they're upset or you

11:13

think that something's wrong and you check

11:15

in, they're like, no, I'm totally good.

11:17

Like, what's up? What's up? What's going

11:19

on? Are you all right? Because nine

11:21

times out of ten, that's... your internal

11:23

state that's disrupted and not theirs. So

11:25

that could be a false flag. Another

11:27

example is a false flag is like

11:29

they don't text you back for two

11:32

hours and that sets off the alarm

11:34

bells in your nervous system and your

11:36

brain and it starts to go into

11:38

all these types of places. So start

11:41

to get very clear on what your

11:43

specific false flags are. When does

11:45

the anxiety of your attachment start?

11:47

When does the... panic button get

11:49

hit and you are scanning incorrectly

11:51

in the relationship. What do you

11:54

know that you do that is

11:56

a false flag that sets off

11:58

your anxiety get very clear on

12:00

that because these are the opportunities

12:02

for you to soothe for you

12:05

to regulate your internal nervous system

12:07

and remind yourself that you're okay

12:09

now if you're in a secure

12:12

relationship and you're with a person

12:14

and you guys are doing this

12:16

work together you might want to

12:18

say to them oh I just

12:21

noticed you know there was some

12:23

anxiety that was coming up I

12:25

don't need anything from you but

12:27

I think I was misinterpreting something

12:30

and just wanted you to know

12:32

the last thing I'm gonna say

12:34

is, well, there's one more piece

12:36

that's really, really important, but on

12:39

this note of recognizing false flags,

12:41

I want you as an anxious

12:43

attached person to pull back probably

12:45

40 to 50% on your communication

12:48

of what's happening inside of you.

12:50

Not because I don't, you know,

12:52

I don't want you to communicate

12:54

how you're feeling and, you know,

12:57

what's going on in your life

12:59

and those types of things and

13:01

that I'm telling you to. shut

13:03

down from your partner, but anxious

13:06

attached people are chronic over communicators,

13:08

just constantly expressing what is going

13:10

on and how they feel and

13:12

that they're worried or they're passive

13:15

aggressive about things. And it's all

13:17

of this hyper vigilance towards their

13:19

partner's behavior quite often, and it's

13:21

exhausting for that person, even if

13:24

that person is a secure partner.

13:26

They can be quite tiring because

13:28

it's like you are constantly telling

13:30

me that you think something's wrong

13:33

or that you're identifying something. And

13:35

so practice in the next couple

13:37

weeks just reserving your communication. So

13:39

pulling back on your communication by

13:42

like 40-50% not because you're trying

13:44

to disconnect, but because you are

13:46

practicing soothing yourself, regulating yourself, navigating

13:48

and dealing with the conflict that's

13:51

happening inside of you and reminding

13:53

yourself. I can actually get myself

13:55

into a place of being okay

13:58

without needing... external support

14:00

every single time.

14:03

This will actually really help to develop

14:05

and build the trust and the safety

14:07

in your relationship with your partner. Last

14:10

piece is practice

14:12

calm connection. Practice

14:14

calm connection. Anxious people

14:16

really tend to try and

14:18

connect in a very

14:20

nervous and anxious way. This

14:22

is really at the

14:24

core of the anxious attached

14:26

style that when you want to

14:28

connect to the person that

14:31

you love, whether it's your partner,

14:33

wife, girlfriend, whether it's a family

14:35

member, whether it's a friend, there is

14:37

a kind of anxiety and nervousness

14:39

that starts to come up. Will I

14:41

say the right thing? Will I

14:43

send the right thing? Will I ask

14:45

for the right thing? You might

14:47

find yourself being passive aggressive

14:49

in trying to connect. You might

14:51

find yourself inadvertently criticizing the

14:53

other person like, why don't you

14:55

ever want to and that

14:57

is like your bid for connection.

15:00

So very, very typical

15:02

that, and this isn't blaming you. It's

15:04

not saying there's something wrong with you. It's just

15:07

pointing out the behavior. Very typical

15:09

that you as an anxious

15:11

attached person are bringing the anxiety

15:13

into the moment and the point

15:15

of connection. What you

15:17

want to do is practice

15:20

finding calm, finding

15:22

center, finding some grounding before

15:24

you connect. And this might

15:26

mean that you do some

15:28

breathing first. It might be

15:30

that you actually take stock

15:33

and connect to your internal

15:35

state first and say, okay, let

15:37

me just take a few breaths

15:39

and then I'm going to text them and

15:41

then I'm going to call them and find yourself,

15:43

move yourself as closely as you

15:45

can. Doesn't need to be perfect, but

15:48

as closely as you can to just

15:50

a little bit more of a

15:52

relaxed state. And I've seen people do

15:54

this in a lot of different ways. Like I had

15:56

a guy that I worked with that was like, it

15:58

helps me when I'm going to

16:00

call my wife. and talk about

16:02

something challenging to just lay down on the

16:05

ground and he just started this practice he

16:07

was just like if they were gonna have

16:09

a tough conversation and he was at work

16:11

you know or he was traveling he would

16:14

just lay down on the floor or on

16:16

the ground outside and then he

16:18

would have the conversation and he

16:20

found that that actually helped him

16:23

to be much more calm and

16:25

centered and able to have a

16:27

conversation that was sometimes challenging without

16:30

going into this sort of spiraled

16:32

anxious place. So you need to

16:34

develop some routines, some habits of

16:37

either breathing or finding a way

16:39

to ground and calm and center,

16:41

maybe some meditation, before you do

16:43

some connection. And it can be

16:45

as simple as taking two deep

16:47

breaths before you go into the

16:49

kitchen and hug your partner. You know,

16:51

it can be as simple as taking

16:54

a couple deep breaths before you sit

16:56

down on the couch. beside your wife

16:58

or your girlfriend, so that you just

17:00

stabilized your system a little bit

17:02

more, so that you are bringing a

17:05

more calm, grounded, relaxed energy to

17:07

them. Okay. Thank you so much for

17:09

tuning in. Don't forget to man it

17:11

forward. Share this video. Hit the like

17:13

button. Subscribe if you haven't done so

17:16

already. The channel is growing rapidly. And

17:18

as always, until next week, Connor

17:20

Beaton signing off.