0:02

A listener, production. Jump

0:04

into the warm friendship bath.

0:06

That is Matt and Alex's

0:08

all-day breakfast. Only if you

0:10

bring a rubber ducky. Yes,

0:12

well, justice has finally been

0:14

served, apparently, Alex Dyson, as

0:17

the Thieves, who stole the

0:19

golden toilet from the English

0:21

Palace that we talked about

0:23

a couple of weeks ago.

0:25

Uh, favorite dunny deviance, we've

0:28

mentioned a couple of times

0:30

on our podcast, Matt. Yep,

0:32

they've finally been convicted. So

0:34

a jury has convicted them. They

0:36

tried to steal the work of

0:39

art, which was the golden toilet,

0:41

that was insured for nearly $6

0:43

million, and they have finally been

0:46

put in their place. There you

0:48

go. They will be sitting on

0:50

a different kind of mental toilet

0:53

for quite a while as a

0:55

result of that. But look, hope

0:58

you're going well today. I'm Alex,

1:00

that is Matt. Should we jump

1:02

into this daily bite-sized serving

1:04

of audio entertainment, Matt? Yeah,

1:07

let's do it. Matt and

1:09

Alex, all day breakfast. Hope

1:12

you're having a good one.

1:14

Let's get this show on the road.

1:16

Let's go. Here we go, here we

1:18

go, here we go. going to the

1:20

slam before? Oh. But I tell

1:22

you what, I had my eyes firmly

1:25

on my toilet over the weekend,

1:27

Diso, because we had some

1:29

strangers coming through the house

1:32

because we had our first

1:34

open home. It's on the

1:37

market, you alluded to

1:39

it, but Madokine residents

1:41

could be going under

1:43

the hammer. I mean... Do you want

1:45

to, there could be people listening to

1:47

this podcast that might want to purchase

1:49

Matt's old house or is it, do

1:52

you want to not tell people your

1:54

address? Well, that's a tough choice. What

1:56

do you reckon? You could get more

1:59

bidders. Brisbane is a small enough place.

2:01

I'm sure you... you'll be able to

2:03

find it. But yeah, we had an

2:06

inspection, people come through. We there? It's

2:08

stressful. No, I would never. I would

2:10

never. I would never. I'm the sort

2:12

of person that if someone like butt

2:15

dials me, I have to hang up

2:17

immediately because I just, I stress so

2:19

much over overhearing things that I don't

2:22

need to hear. Like I just hate

2:24

it. What could they possibly say about

2:26

your house that would be, that would

2:28

hurt you? Well, I mean, what, like,

2:31

unfortunately I do have a huge poster

2:33

of myself in the house, like... Not

2:35

like... But you didn't take it down

2:38

for the... It's not in the living

2:40

area and it's turned around, but I

2:42

just am so scared that someone will

2:45

see it. It's like in the storage

2:47

area, but it's just like, I don't,

2:49

you know, it's bad enough that it

2:51

exists, let alone for strangers to walk

2:54

through and be like, who saw that

2:56

guy show, terrible. You know, something like

2:58

that, I don't want to hear that.

3:01

But we did actually gawk at people

3:03

walking in on the on the little

3:05

security cameras that we've got. That was

3:08

um, that was interesting. Because you're just

3:10

spotting people being like, oh, they live

3:12

down the road. They're just nosy. They're

3:14

just gawkin. So a few people came

3:17

for a gawk? Yeah, I tell you

3:19

what, don't sell, please, please don't sell

3:21

yet. It is the most stressful thing

3:24

in the world because we've got it

3:26

sort of half staged staged. So like

3:28

the staging person came through and they're

3:30

like, oh that rug's not going to

3:33

work, we'll get you a different rug,

3:35

oh that, you know, we'll change that

3:37

picture on the wall, oh let's move

3:40

this table over here. You said you

3:42

didn't like people's comments, you invited a

3:44

professional commenter to come in and go

3:47

this will put people off. What are

3:49

you talking about? Well, I mean, we

3:51

know that they're going to help. Like,

3:53

in some rooms of the house, we

3:56

just never, like, finished, because we don't

3:58

need to have finished them, you know

4:00

what I mean? Like, so, um... Yeah,

4:03

so anyways, we're like, and the problem

4:05

is we've got a six year old,

4:07

so you gotta pay, you gotta pay

4:09

like a deposit on all of the

4:12

furniture that they've brought into your house.

4:14

And so like they put all these

4:16

nice rugs down in your living room

4:19

and stuff like that. And it's like,

4:21

mate, Cheezle's fingers over here isn't gonna

4:23

like treat that rug with any sort

4:26

of respect. You have to, there's no

4:28

sources. There's no dusting on biscuits like

4:30

corn chips are out. Even me and

4:32

Sophia had a, we had a Milo

4:35

the other day and I was like,

4:37

do not dare go near that rung

4:39

with your Milo. The only drinks we're

4:42

having in this house people are water

4:44

and vodka. They're the only two we're

4:46

allowed to be drinking between now and

4:48

auction day. And so yeah, it's stressful.

4:51

So we have to pack away every

4:53

single. Like we have to pack it

4:55

all up in between every single. inspection,

4:58

which is just an absolute nightmare. But,

5:00

you know, we were sort of, we

5:02

are just sort of watching people as

5:05

they go in and we're sort of

5:07

going on. Do you think these people

5:09

would be interested? Do you say the

5:11

famous words when it's time just before

5:14

the inspection? What is it? Well, there's

5:16

often something you can say when you

5:18

are packing it up in order to

5:21

encourage others around you to participate in

5:23

said packing. Yeah,

5:25

okay. I don't know. I don't

5:27

know what Annalese is like, Alex

5:29

Tyson, but when there's 45 minutes

5:32

to go before an inspection and

5:34

you need to change five different

5:36

rooms in the house and your

5:38

kids. like trying to get all

5:41

their toys out and put all

5:43

their leg on the floor and

5:45

it's absolutely chaos. I don't think

5:47

hey why don't we pack her

5:50

up boys is gonna bring the

5:52

loles that you think it's gonna

5:54

bring. Yeah, but if you say

5:56

it in a funny way... The

5:59

only thing I'll be packing... I'll

6:01

be packing my own coffin because

6:03

they'll be celebrating my funeral if

6:05

I pull out a packer up

6:08

boys. Oh my God. I don't

6:10

know, it just seems like the

6:12

perfect opportunity. Anyway, sorry, continue. So

6:14

it is mayhem, like it's chaos.

6:17

We're trying to do everything we

6:19

can. I'm, I'm, you know, cleaning

6:21

the pool, Belinda's like doing so

6:23

much work around the house, she's

6:26

mowing the lawn, we're putting like,

6:28

getting tables and things out and

6:30

Sophia's just wanting to play like

6:32

normal, but we're saying we have

6:35

to, we can't touch anything, please

6:37

don't touch anything. So it's all

6:39

chaos. And in the midst of

6:41

it all, we finally get in

6:44

the car with five minutes to

6:46

go and like screech out of

6:48

the house. And like, Belinda. Oh

6:50

yeah. And I'm like, no, I

6:53

haven't seen it. She's like, I

6:55

was probably in my bag. We

6:57

go to breakfast, we chill out

6:59

and everything and the whole time,

7:02

Valencia. I can't find my retainer.

7:04

Okay, so she's meant to wear

7:06

during the day and take it

7:08

out for meals. Yeah, I've seen

7:11

that sort of thing. Yeah, but

7:13

she hasn't been out, she hasn't

7:15

been able to find it. And

7:17

it is square in the middle

7:20

of the bathroom. counter, like just

7:22

sitting so perfectly in the middle

7:24

of the button, nothing else around

7:26

it, just this... Because everything else

7:29

has been cleaned. It's been so

7:31

perfect. And then there's just this

7:33

crusty retainer. I mean, it's not

7:35

crusty because she puts it in

7:38

her mouth, but it's like, how

7:40

do you feel about that? If

7:42

you went into a house inspection

7:44

and you just looked on the

7:47

counter and I'm like, that is

7:49

someone's retainer. I think more advertising

7:51

needs to be better. like that.

7:53

Because I can imagine myself in

7:56

a house with that sort of

7:58

thing. I can't imagine myself living

8:00

in the way that these things

8:02

are staged. Like I'm looking around

8:05

myself right now, my shoes are

8:07

on the floor, there's a water

8:09

bottle there, papers on the desk

8:11

around me, there's dust on the

8:14

buddy CD player over here. I

8:16

mean, show me some truth, show

8:18

me some reality. You know when

8:20

I walk into an open home,

8:23

I would like to see what

8:25

the bathroom looks like with jocks

8:27

on it because he got in

8:29

the shower and left him with

8:32

the floor and forgot the left

8:34

of there Okay, then I can

8:36

imagine what it will look like

8:38

for me You know yeah, just

8:41

makeup stains all in the sink.

8:43

I'd like to see the stovetop

8:45

with crumbs and uncooked rice on

8:47

the side because a few mists

8:50

when you're pouring it in the

8:52

pots just to go, oh, okay,

8:54

so that's what my life will

8:56

be like in this house, not

8:59

entering some fantasy land, which I'll

9:01

never see again. Like, I'll never

9:03

see it again. Yeah, it'll never

9:05

look like that, even if you

9:08

buy it, it will never look

9:10

like that ever again. Exactly right.

9:12

So it's like people putting air-brushed

9:14

photos or like the dog's Snapchat

9:17

filter on their dating profiles. It's

9:19

like, it's never going to look

9:21

like this. Why present it to

9:23

me? I just, I don't get

9:26

it Matt. All right, good. Well,

9:28

thank you, because Belle was a

9:30

little bit worried, but I think

9:32

you've... No, Belle's fine. Absolutely. I

9:35

should have just left a few

9:37

dropped hairs in the shower, um,

9:39

drain as well then, shouldn't I?

9:41

Exactly! Well Belinda lost the retainers,

9:44

couldn't find it Matt. Did you

9:46

consider the return trip like pose

9:48

as a couple looking through the

9:50

house and just make a beeline

9:53

for the bathroom and just sort

9:55

of take it and escape again?

9:57

I did know, but I did

9:59

consider sending some moles in, you

10:02

know, some friends or something like

10:04

that. like dressed up as an

10:06

extremely wealthy couple with like a

10:08

monocle you know saying out loud

10:11

compliments by Jeeves Gregory this reminds

10:13

me of my trip to the

10:15

Hamptons I wouldn't pay a cent

10:17

under six million you know that

10:20

sort of thing yeah that's it's

10:22

often the sort of pros and

10:24

cons list needs to come out

10:26

when you've sort of forgotten something

10:28

I remember It happens all the

10:31

time. I've been driving around one

10:33

on a fair bit and it's

10:35

like, ah, damn it. You're like,

10:37

you're down the road a bit.

10:40

It's like, oh, I left my

10:42

headphones at home. Do I turn

10:44

back to get them? Or is

10:46

that more inconvenient than just continuing

10:49

on my day and taking phone

10:51

to my ear or something like

10:53

that? Yes. Oh, yes. I know

10:55

what you're saying. There's quite a

10:58

famous example of this happening just

11:00

right over the weekend. where a

11:02

packed air France flight declared an

11:04

emergency and returned back to the

11:07

airport an hour in, they loop

11:09

back and land because a passenger

11:11

had forgotten their phone at the

11:13

airport. No. I just simply don't

11:16

believe that. I'm reading MSN here.

11:18

Air France Flight, A.F. 750, was

11:20

forced to turn around and return

11:22

to Paris after a passenger's missing

11:25

mobile phone prompted an emergency response,

11:27

according to Air Live Report. On

11:29

board, 375 passengers and 12 crew

11:31

members departed at 1151. It was

11:34

meant to be a nine-hour journey,

11:36

but after just an hour in

11:38

the air, the crew made the

11:40

decision to abort the flight as

11:43

a precautionary bearer due to the

11:45

missing device. No, I mean this

11:47

has to be more of this

11:49

story. So someone is was the

11:52

passenger the pilot or something? I

11:54

don't think I don't think it

11:56

was was the name George Stanza.

11:58

Yeah totally right that sounds like

12:01

we've got to go back Jerry

12:03

you know that sort of thing

12:05

causing a scene and then it's

12:07

like we're returning not for the

12:10

phone but because there's a disruptive

12:12

passenger on board it could be.

12:14

Kramer's like I've got an idea

12:16

Jerry I've got an idea. Okay

12:19

none of my Seinfeld impersonations are

12:21

landing are landing are they they're

12:23

not very good. Unlike the plane

12:25

it is not where it landed.

12:28

Two hours and 16 minutes after

12:30

its initial takeoff, Air Force later

12:32

confirmed, the maintenance teams were searching

12:34

for the phone to facilitate a

12:37

new departure as soon as possible.

12:39

And at this time, the airline

12:41

has not provided further details on

12:43

to why the lost device necessitated

12:46

an emergency return. And one can

12:48

only speculate Matt as to what

12:50

was so important on the phone.

12:53

That's so sad. A plane carrying 375

12:55

people had to turn around to go

12:58

pick it up, find it. That is

13:00

so sad. I reckon it was like

13:02

a security guard or something, like maybe

13:04

one of those like military, you know,

13:07

like anti-terrorism, like undercover people needed to

13:09

get their phone and they didn't want

13:11

to like reveal that it was a

13:14

security person or something. Because it can't

13:16

be like, oh. It's sort of like

13:18

the days of the Tamagocchi like I

13:21

need to to sow my grains on

13:23

Farmville Otherwise, don't go bad. Well, I

13:25

mean, I'm up I'm up to you

13:27

know, I had to restart my wordle

13:30

count I'd almost I'd almost demand a

13:32

return to the airport if I realized

13:34

that I was you know on a

13:37

mad streak and wasn't going to be

13:39

able to finish it in time Yeah,

13:41

I mean, I mean they do tell

13:44

you to notify like crew if your

13:46

phone slides underneath a seat. So maybe

13:48

if it's hidden like so far underneath

13:51

the seat that it's literally underneath the

13:53

plane. Into the landing gear or something.

13:55

Maybe it's just below the plane so

13:57

far that it's on the ground. I

14:00

don't know. But I don't get that

14:02

because... I've been on a plane that's

14:04

had to turn back to the airport

14:07

before. It was a Tiger Airlines flight

14:09

back in the day when that existed

14:11

in Australia. And about a, yeah, a

14:14

fine from Melbourne and Sydney, and then

14:16

a good 45 minutes in, so sorry

14:18

we're going to have to turn back

14:21

and land in Melbourne. I'm like, look,

14:23

you can do an emergency landing, sure,

14:25

why not emergency land in our destination?

14:27

We can all get off. It's closer.

14:30

Why do you have to go back

14:32

to the airport we came from? We're

14:34

going to have to land it anyway.

14:37

If you've got maintenance things, if you've

14:39

got problems, why go back? It's really

14:41

suss. And this phone thing could be

14:44

another example of that. I have had

14:46

a friend who missed out on going

14:48

to Roni Chang's wedding because they were

14:50

coming from New Zealand and halfway across.

14:53

Oh, sorry, the toilet's broken, we've got

14:55

to go back. And he's like, well,

14:57

how about we all just agree to

15:00

not use the toilet? Like just, get,

15:02

get, to the destination. Please, take a

15:04

vote. Like you're halfway there, just finished.

15:07

But I think the argument is that

15:09

it's the way home that's the problem,

15:11

because then all the passengers that get

15:14

on. Well, they can't let their flight

15:16

be delayed. That's fine. That is totally

15:18

fine. Let the other people live their

15:20

lives. Use the vomit bags. Just do

15:23

it. Like we all have to take

15:25

one for the team in that situation.

15:27

Exactly. Have you ever had to turn

15:30

back for something? Like you've gotten halfway

15:32

to your destination and gone damn it.

15:34

I gotta make, I gotta return home.

15:37

I think I've done it for like

15:39

tickets like to a concert or something.

15:41

Like you get ready, you get dressed,

15:43

you head there, like I left the

15:46

tickets on the bench. I think I

15:48

did that for like the big day

15:50

out one time. I definitely did it

15:53

for, I was I was going to

15:55

Papua New Guinea to go do some

15:57

ads for this computing company over there

16:00

called ABLE computing and you can actually

16:02

see some of the ads on. YouTube

16:04

still to this day. What do I

16:07

hope he'd defied it? I was like

16:09

the doggy the pizza boy of able

16:11

computing in in Papua New Guinea. So

16:13

able computing, Mato. Was it for the

16:16

Papua New Guinea in market? Yes. Yeah,

16:18

here we go. Um, able computing, life

16:20

of Brian TVC featuring Mato

16:23

Kinney. He's got my name

16:25

wrong. and able

16:27

computing Alexander Graham Bell featuring Matt

16:29

O'Kone. There we go. We got

16:32

that name right. Yeah, here it

16:34

is. I can't, let's check this.

16:37

Bro, don't. This was many years

16:39

ago. A-book computing, Matt O'Kone? Yeah.

16:41

O'Kinnie. Oh, here we go. A-book

16:44

computing 2006 Christmas party featuring Matt

16:46

O'Kone. Oh, no, that's me doing

16:49

my set. I would not watch

16:51

that. That is so bad. Hey,

16:53

can you not? I haven't watched

16:56

this. Held at the Port Moresby

16:58

Crown Plaza. The master of ceremonies

17:01

was Matt O'Kine, who is now

17:03

a big star on Australian TV.

17:05

Matt starts his routine at 24

17:08

minutes. His routine could have been

17:10

considered a training program as living

17:12

in Port Moresby could be quite

17:15

dangerous. Matt was the star of

17:17

our TV adverts back at the

17:20

time. This oh, it's got black

17:22

and white balloons everywhere. It's like

17:24

a Collingwood bro. This is a

17:27

this is a blast This is

17:29

20 years ago by the way

17:32

Anyway on my way to the

17:34

the airport I got to the

17:36

airport and then realized I didn't

17:39

have a passport So I had

17:41

to go back and get my

17:44

passport and I was just in

17:46

time But you know without that

17:48

we wouldn't have this incredible video

17:51

on YouTube which has 85 views

17:57

That's amazing. Oh, hang on,

17:59

I gotta listen to this.

18:01

And I went into a

18:04

convenience store and said, give

18:06

me all the money! No,

18:09

can we not? And the

18:11

guy behind the counter went...

18:13

No! Okay, no, stop! Alex,

18:16

stop! This is unfair. This

18:18

is like me finding your...

18:21

It's a visual gag! Come

18:23

on! Getting good laughs for

18:25

it though! Yes, thank you!

18:28

Oh, you're bringing back slapstick

18:30

to your newsh. Oh, look,

18:32

just shut up. I'm out.

18:35

I'm out. Let's move on

18:37

to the next one. All

18:40

right. Can we stop? Ali,

18:42

stop. Sorry. I have to

18:44

look at it my own

18:47

time. That's incredible. The podcast

18:49

isn't visual, but social media

18:52

is visual. So, oh, no,

18:54

we're not putting this stuff

18:56

on. This is, this is

18:59

like old 90's wedding video

19:01

vibes. Yeah, it really does

19:04

have old 90s wedding video

19:06

vibes, doesn't it? Yeah. Actually,

19:08

I'll tell you another story

19:11

from that night. Can we

19:13

do it up next? Yeah,

19:16

sure. I mean, don't do

19:18

that. Oh, look, who knows?

19:20

Anyways, another, you know, story

19:23

from that night. Hey, stop

19:25

watching it. I can see

19:28

you just staring at the

19:30

screen. Stop it. Sorry, but

19:32

usually when people are editing

19:35

up videos of stand-up comedy,

19:37

they cut to someone laughing.

19:40

But because this is just

19:42

a live in the moment

19:44

shot of the crowd, it's

19:47

just completely at random who

19:49

the videographers zooming zooming in

19:52

on. And a lot of

19:54

them aren't chuckling at your

19:56

gags. Oh, yes. Okay, thank

19:59

you. Sorry. Thank

20:01

you very much. So that was

20:03

literally in Port Moresby. Yeah, that

20:05

gig was in Port Moresby at

20:08

the Crown Plaza and when I

20:10

went to Port Moresby, this was

20:12

in 2006, like... you're not allowed

20:14

to leave the hotel basically so

20:16

like if if you want to

20:19

go out of the hotel you

20:21

have to like pay a security

20:23

guard from the hell to like

20:25

from the hotel to like walk

20:27

you around because it was sort

20:30

of so hectic at the time

20:32

and that's why in the in

20:34

the description I guess they say

20:36

considered a training program as living

20:38

in Port Moresby can be quite

20:41

dangerous. Yeah well I mean what

20:43

I what I was talking about

20:45

was having to do that I

20:47

used to do an old bit

20:50

about armed robbery training at the

20:52

video store that he's to work

20:54

in. So I'm talking about doing

20:56

armed robbery training and all that

20:58

sort of stuff. So anyway, after

21:01

the gig, I go sit down

21:03

next to this guy and he's

21:05

like, you know, that, you know,

21:07

stuff, armed robbery stuff that you

21:09

were talking about. Is this what

21:12

you were talking about? And he

21:14

hands me something underneath the table

21:16

and I grab it. And I'm

21:18

like, what the hell is this?

21:20

And then I realize it's a

21:23

gun? And I'm like, what the

21:25

hell man? Like I thought I

21:27

was like, yeah, I'm like, oh,

21:29

I, I almost thought it was

21:31

a toy. I just, I've never

21:34

been handed like a Glock before.

21:36

So like a handgun. Yeah, like

21:38

a, like a hand, like a

21:40

proper like pistol. I was like,

21:43

what the hell? I almost just

21:45

fired it because I thought it

21:47

was a toy. That is crazy.

21:49

And I was like, man, I

21:51

almost just called the trigger. He's

21:54

like, don't do that. That thing's

21:56

loaded. I'm like, what? What the

21:58

hell are you handing me a

22:00

loaded gun, man? I'm a comedian.

22:02

I'm a 21-year-old comedian. I don't

22:05

know anything about guns, bro. Is

22:07

this what you're talking about with

22:09

Ambora robbery? And then hands you

22:11

a loaded pistol. And he's like,

22:13

you got to have one around

22:16

here, man. That's how it. how

22:18

I roll, okay? I'm here for

22:20

jokes and to play Alexander Graham

22:22

Bell in bloody TV commercial. That's,

22:24

I, man, getting, it's tough enough

22:27

getting on stage as a stand-up

22:29

comedian and people have rotten fruits

22:31

in the room, you know, ready

22:33

to be fetch it. And you,

22:36

there you are, performing to an

22:38

armed audience. I don't want to

22:40

know what they've got to say

22:42

when it comes to hecklin' Matt.

22:44

Imagine paying out on some audience

22:47

member. Oh, hey, look at this

22:49

guy who dressed you Steve Urkel?

22:51

Oh! Oh! Oh my gosh! Anyways,

22:53

I survived to tell the tale.

22:55

We've got it, that's the end

22:58

of the show, let's wrap it

23:00

up there. Should we wrap it

23:02

up? We will be back with

23:04

more Matt and Alex tomorrow. Same

23:06

time, same place, can't wait to

23:09

be with you then. In the

23:11

meantime, keep in touch with us

23:13

at Matt.on. Alex. And feel free

23:15

to rate the podcast on whatever

23:18

platform you're using it on, from

23:20

five stars down to Glock under

23:22

the table. See you tomorrow, bye-bye.

23:24

That's it. The all day breakfast

23:26

kitchen is closed. Got something to

23:29

add to the show? Slide into

23:31

our DMs at mat. And dot

23:33

alks. Testing. Can you hear me?

23:35

Say again. Say again. Say again.

23:37

Say again. Say again. Say again.

23:40

This is helpless. I'll never get

23:42

this thing to work properly. I

23:44

tell you what's not happening, this

23:46

stupid phone won't work. What you

23:48

need is a new mobile phone

23:51

from evil computing. Alan Sanders, don't

23:53

forget to get some red mill

23:55

in the way home. Why did

23:57

I invent this?