0:03

Hello and welcome to Lane. I'm Jen I'm Jem And

0:05

I'm I'm Kerri Each week we'll Each week a be

0:07

taking a trip down our Lane with our

0:09

very special they as they bring in four

0:11

photos from their lives to talk about. out

0:13

the To check out the photos we'd be

0:15

having a natter with them about, they're

0:17

on the episode image and you can also

0:19

see them a little bit more clearly

0:22

on our bit page. on So a little look

0:24

at page. Lane a little look at Come on, we

0:26

can all be Come together. can all be nosy

0:28

together. I've

0:31

got to tell you something

0:33

and and is something I talk

0:35

about every year. There are people

0:37

in Brighton who put up

0:39

their Christmas decorations in November. in November.

0:41

Yep. What is is wrong with

0:43

you. No one's feeling. No one's feeling that

0:45

Basically this is my feeling.

0:47

My birthday in November. And

0:50

Jay-C, Jesus Christ, his Christ, is

0:52

in in December. I do And

0:54

I do not want

0:56

JC in my birth November

0:58

is me, KG. J-C. J-C. And

1:00

December. J February-J-B. So I-

1:02

And we wouldn't do J-C in

1:04

February, would J .B. And we wouldn't

1:07

do J .C. in February, would we?

1:09

that would be silly. want J-J-C in

1:11

want K-G. .C. J-C does go into Actually, J .C.

1:13

does go into... January sometimes.

1:16

He's allowed to get into the the

1:18

halfway through. Up to the 6th of January. You're

1:20

allowed to still be celebrating be celebrating Jayce.

1:22

if he's into January, into he

1:24

can't have November. can't have He's absolutely

1:26

not welcome in November. No! in November. No,

1:28

get that. Get out. You've got You've got a half,

1:30

month and a half. six got

1:32

weeks, Jayce. You've got a whole season, mate.

1:34

mate. a season. is the how is

1:37

going life that you've is your life? Christmas

1:39

That you've in late your Christmas tree

1:41

up in late November. bit you

1:43

want to drag this bit out. out.

1:45

Yeah. you know what I know what I mean?

1:47

Because it all goes on long enough. And honestly, if you

1:49

have bought a if you have bought a

1:51

tree, trees I mean buying trees at the

1:53

moment, but if you bought a tree in

1:56

November, psychopath. Clearly. Maybe they put it up for Black put it

1:58

up for Black Friday because that isn't it? Now

2:00

I'm worried that people are like cooking

2:02

a roast for Black Friday and they're

2:05

like getting Black Friday is bigger than

2:07

fucking Christmas. It's like all right I

2:09

don't need Black Friday bunting let's dial

2:11

this down. Also it's constantly offering me

2:14

stuff I'm like my god, it's like

2:16

30% off a whisk that you don't

2:18

need. A whisk that dabbles up as

2:21

a spoon. I'm like, I don't need

2:23

this. That is quite good actually, wouldn't

2:25

it? Because if you could whisk something

2:28

and then scoop it out the spoon.

2:30

Oh, Jen, get that patentee. Get that

2:32

on bank off. I'd buy that any

2:34

day of the week, mate. Any month.

2:37

Okay that was a terrible, terrible example.

2:39

Terrible example, you just came up with

2:41

something brilliant. I actually should get that

2:44

patented. Oh, can you imagine? Hello, I'm,

2:46

I just invented a whisk spoon. How

2:48

would it look? like a spoon like

2:50

a spoon oh then that then splits

2:53

open so it's a spoon right it's

2:55

just a normal spoon and then it

2:57

splits into sort of a whiskey thing

3:00

then you can then curl around you

3:02

whisk and then you pull a lever

3:04

at the bottom at the end and

3:06

then it's a spoon and then you

3:09

can scoop stuff out oh my god

3:11

I'd buy it I'd use it I've

3:13

got a nice for it Yeah, I've

3:16

got no idea how it would work,

3:18

but in my head I can see

3:20

it. I've visualised it. Yeah, I've got

3:22

it. Do you know what? I shouldn't

3:25

be letting this, we'll have to edit

3:27

this, because someone's going to nick that.

3:29

Because I haven't patented, patent, ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt Just

3:32

paint it. Yeah, I'll paint it. That's

3:34

something I'll be doing. I'll be painting

3:36

it later. So, something to look forward

3:38

to. You're never going to invent it.

3:41

You're never going to be an inventor.

3:43

No. Just paint it. I will. That's

3:45

all you have to do though. Hang

3:48

it on the wall. Do you know

3:50

what? She's off. you know she's really

3:52

showing you know the artwork and moment

3:55

painting and she says after really struggling

3:57

for inspiration and now I've found something

3:59

to inspire her. Yeah. Please paintant my

4:01

paint my paintant. You're going to have

4:04

to edit all this out, Joel. I

4:06

know what we're talking about. This is

4:08

absolute bullshit. Who are we talking to

4:11

today? Jane. Right. Well, today we have

4:13

the brilliant and the lovely and the

4:15

very popular, I must say, Jeff Norkop.

4:17

Jeff was trapped outside and he was

4:20

texting us, can I get in? Can

4:22

I get in the building? Let me

4:24

in. And then we didn't realize until

4:27

after the podcast that we were like...

4:29

Jeff sorry mate we didn't realize she

4:31

was like oh miss calls it was

4:33

no but we said yeah I didn't

4:36

expect you to answer like I was

4:38

like you guys I knew you and

4:40

had your phone on you like my

4:43

wife yeah you never have your phone

4:45

on you I was like we did

4:47

have our phones but we were focusing

4:49

but also on silent so yeah I

4:52

was trying to call we are anyway

4:54

he was brilliant it was lovely to

4:56

talk it was lovely here he is

4:59

Jeff Norcott in all his glory in

5:01

all his glory Right,

5:11

let's go to photographs. This is the first

5:13

picture. Here we go. Here is little Jeff.

5:15

Hang on a second. I'm going to have

5:18

to guess which one is you. Give me

5:20

a moment. Yes, I love this game. This

5:22

one. But that's like my sister. She might

5:24

be hurt by that. You didn't know which

5:26

one was mailing that? No, it's not clear,

5:29

is it? Is it clear? Both of you

5:31

could be girls or boys. Oh right, yeah,

5:33

I don't mind. In the 70s kids all

5:35

look like that. Are you saying, are you

5:38

saying that's your sister, right? And that's you.

5:40

Yes, right, so that was correct. So you're

5:42

saying that I might be a girl? No,

5:44

I'm not, I didn't even know that was

5:46

a girl. I'm, I am. No, no problems

5:49

these days, you know. Jeff, honestly, I think

5:51

that these two children could be boys or

5:53

girls. Totally, I think the first thing I

5:55

like saying about that photo is I think

5:58

I look quite cute in that photo. You

6:00

do, you look very good. I didn't generally,

6:02

so that it's like... You know how women

6:04

choose their hottest photo for their social media

6:07

pick? That was why I picked that one.

6:09

I'm not like a hot child pitch. I'm

6:11

allowed to... I'm allowed to non-sover myself. I'm

6:13

allowed to non-sover myself. Gosh, go on in

6:15

a complete life. But also look a lot

6:18

like my son. That's the most I look

6:20

like my son at the equivalent age as

6:22

well. How old are you in this picture?

6:24

I don't know. But I say three. Three.

6:27

Really? I thought I didn't tell them. The

6:29

way I'm sitting all calm and stuff, it

6:31

gives off the vibe of at least a

6:33

four and a half yard, I think. Are

6:35

you in a camper van? A caravan. A

6:38

caravan. Static. You look happy. It would, I

6:40

think I was there, yeah, that was my

6:42

man's caravan. Where was that? That was in

6:44

the, you know, I was interested, first of

6:47

all, I've done a podcast with too late

6:49

and like questions, immediately, like women want detail,

6:51

which I absolutely should have sort of like

6:53

anticipated, given it's about photos in their life.

6:56

But in me, I suddenly got worried, you're

6:58

just going to have a very leisurely. This

7:00

has been the most intense questioning we've ever

7:02

delivered to any games. In my defense, there

7:04

is a caravan involved and I really am

7:07

excited by all camping stories. and it was

7:09

so my my grandparents lived on council estate

7:11

I didn't know this but they they bought

7:13

their place under the right to buy it

7:16

so they were very upwardly mobile and then

7:18

they got a caravan which is a big

7:20

deal and it was it was a plot

7:22

of only six I think and we used

7:24

to go down there all the time Where's

7:27

New Romney? Yeah, New Romney? It's on the,

7:29

it's no longer a seaside town. I went

7:31

back there recently and it, it's a sea

7:33

moose. It's in the sea. Bloody climate. But

7:36

they, but yeah, used to have like arcades

7:38

and stuff, but now that's mainly like dim

7:40

church folkston and then. It's just a town.

7:42

It's part, it was, what we used to

7:45

like, it was adjacent to the Romney hive

7:47

and dim church railway. Have you ever been

7:49

to that you ever been to that? Have

7:51

you ever been to that? a tiny, well

7:53

a small scale working railway, right? So people

7:56

actually use it to commute in the area,

7:58

but it's also really dinky. And the funniest

8:00

thing is there was, I don't know if

8:02

they have any more, and this might be

8:05

one of those invented childhood memories, but they

8:07

had a buffet car. the guy behind it

8:09

had to go around his knees because there

8:11

wasn't any height. No, you're joking. I'm certain

8:13

that there was. That is right, we're going

8:16

to have to find out. I want that

8:18

to be true. Let's make it so. Yeah,

8:20

but they used to be like, and I

8:22

remember like being on there, we were on

8:25

there as like, like as a family, as

8:27

tourists, or holidaymakers, or holidaymakers, rather, and they

8:29

were like, like, Tiny Hodgwalks Express. Yeah, like

8:31

miniature railway, sort of like. It is a

8:34

miniature railway, but it's a working miniature railway.

8:36

That is the funniest thing. Yeah, yeah, no,

8:38

people should go. You'll get, I mean, people,

8:40

yeah, people correspond, but like people who've been

8:42

on it, love it generally. And also the

8:45

smell of the coal, I think the stuff

8:47

is the most. Oh, steam. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

8:49

it's a most evocative. I mean, yeah, like

8:51

miniature railway, like. Are you kidding, so it's

8:54

a functioning steam railway? I mean if I

8:56

could invent a black like this, I would

8:58

be so proud. Yeah, no, it's a function,

9:00

Romney Hive and Dim Church Railway, yeah. And

9:02

it wasn't a childhood dream. No, no, no,

9:05

the railway definitely exists. I'm starting to doubt

9:07

whether or not the buffet card thing was,

9:09

I've sort of put a bit of VAT

9:11

on that. Romley Hive and Dim Church Railway.

9:14

It is, there's tickets and timetets and timetables,

9:16

hive station time tables, Santa specials, there's a

9:18

special. There's a live station webcam, webcam, let's

9:20

get involved. There's a live station, I mean

9:23

I love camera. No wonder you look so

9:25

happy in this picture. Yeah well there was

9:27

also there was a couple of donkeys adjacent

9:29

to the caravan patch and we used to

9:31

go and feed them sugar that's probably wrong

9:34

now you probably have to feed them really

9:36

boring. You could give them fat. Yeah. He

9:40

gave him to any V&A. Everybody on the

9:43

phone you said that would just completely visualize

9:45

that. The smoking doggie. You don't need AI

9:47

for that. Wow that is a functioning railway.

9:49

That is mad. Sorry I'm still on the

9:51

railway. I'm just imagining a bloke on his

9:53

knee serving at the public hall. Ten. would

9:56

love it, wouldn't they? They would love it,

9:58

wouldn't they? Were you close to your grandparents?

10:00

My name was really tough. Proper like, Thatcher-era,

10:02

rock-solid hair. She used to, like, when she

10:04

did roast dinners, like, the military nature of

10:06

the slices of beef, you know, it was

10:08

really... No fucking about it. No fucking about

10:11

it. And she was really fearsome, you know,

10:13

and everyone was a bit scared of her.

10:15

And my granddad, he was really chilled, like

10:17

he liked jazz music and stuff and he,

10:19

so he come back from the Secretary of

10:21

War, but he was all like, I think,

10:24

you know, he's like, fuck that man, I

10:26

don't want to hurt anyone. So he was

10:28

a very general man for the rest of

10:30

his life, but they stuck it out, they

10:32

stayed together, this quite the personality. They used

10:34

to the born dancing as well, like born

10:36

dancing as well, like, like, like, like, like,

10:39

like, like, like, they were born, like, like,

10:41

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

10:43

like, like, like, like, they were, they were,

10:45

they were, they were, they were, they were,

10:47

they were, they were, they were, they were,

10:49

born, they were, they were, born, born, born,

10:52

born, When they're photographs, did you see pictures

10:54

of? Yeah, I saw someone, they look very

10:56

elegant. Yeah, they looked, he was, he looked

10:58

great, my granddaughter, he was, it's really annoying

11:00

man. Like he was tall, my dad's tall,

11:02

my sister's tall. I'm not tall. Exactly. Well,

11:04

I think there's another photo, my sister's tall.

11:07

I'm not tall. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Well, I

11:09

think there's another photo, my sister's tall. I'm

11:11

not tall, I'm not tall. Absolutely not. As

11:13

a parent as well, you're like, they don't

11:15

have to get on with each other. But

11:17

you really want them to, like you want

11:20

your kids to like have each other. You're

11:22

like, oh my God, that's your family. Yeah,

11:24

like don't care. Yeah, and like she had

11:26

like female friends obviously and stuff and I

11:28

don't Did she go out with any of

11:30

them? No. Did she go out with any

11:32

of yours? Yeah, yeah. I mean that just

11:35

sounds great. Oh no, she went out with

11:37

one of your mates. No, she went out

11:39

with one of your mates. She went out

11:41

with one of your mates. She went out

11:43

with my best mate, but like, and he

11:45

was a great, he was a great guy,

11:48

but like I remember, I got to play

11:50

it cool and come play football with me.

11:52

I didn't really have an argument like you

11:54

got to keep up you got to keep

11:56

up like your mega drive, you know, because

11:58

women aren't all forever but games

12:01

are you know how did that fly yeah

12:03

yeah no no it look it was they

12:05

went out for yeah they went out for

12:07

a while you know they're two my favorite

12:09

people my husband went out with his mates

12:11

older sister and he still talks about it

12:13

to the point where the kids are like

12:16

you've told us you went out with your

12:18

mate's big sister. It's a big deal. It's

12:20

psychologically as well. It's like, do you fancy

12:22

me a bit? You know, is that like

12:24

what's going on here? Like there's my biology

12:26

in there? Maybe I wanted to think that.

12:29

Are you still close? now? Yes, yeah, yeah,

12:31

yeah, because the family's very small. Yeah. So

12:33

it started off like my mom was raised

12:35

in a convent by at Nuns, which is

12:37

very dramatic sounding now, but it's one of

12:39

those weird like life details when you're a

12:42

kid. People just say it, that's what happened.

12:44

You go, yeah, that's what I'm pretty right.

12:46

You go, oh my god, that sounds stark,

12:48

you know, the 1950. You know, the 1950s.

12:50

When you say what, do you mean like

12:52

a conference? Convent school or actually in a

12:55

conference. So she was given up into care

12:57

and then she was raised by it by

12:59

nuns in Streatham. Oh wow. Streatham just feels

13:01

like a weird location for that to have

13:03

happened. No you're right, I live in Streatham

13:05

and I haven't seen any nuns. There's not

13:08

many nuns about anymore is there? You don't

13:10

see as many. When I ever I see

13:12

a nun, I'm like a nun, there's a

13:14

nun. Well my mum wasn't fond of being

13:16

near kids. No I've never met anyone that

13:18

was raised or educated by nuns that's like,

13:20

love nuns. I can't. Oh my god my

13:23

favourite thing is nuns. Those women, what a

13:25

happy bunch. Was you raised a Catholic or

13:27

is that? No no, no. The opposite, my

13:29

mum. So I sometimes think like you know

13:31

you try to work at what your political

13:33

identities and where it comes from. My mum

13:36

was so against any power structures, you know

13:38

what I mean, just keep it out, no

13:40

one she didn't interfere with your life because

13:42

of the nuns, you know. Fair enough. It's

13:44

weird to be there, you know, voting on,

13:46

you know, the EU referendum going, I think

13:49

it's because my mum's nuns. I'm trying to,

13:51

you know, keep the state back. So she,

13:53

were she didn't have a great experience so

13:55

what so there were day students at the

13:57

convent but then there was also the girls

13:59

that lived there because they've been given up

14:02

into care at various points that's rough yeah

14:04

it was rough yeah but as well as

14:06

things you completely underestimate until I remember like

14:08

getting to about 18 and thinking well that

14:10

was probably quite difficult It would have been

14:12

really hard. But the emotional intelligence of an

14:15

18 year old boy going up, isn't it?

14:17

When you really properly reflect on your parents'

14:19

upbringing. Yes, yes. And the making of them

14:21

is the shaping of you and all those

14:23

kind of like, the world. It's rich. Although

14:25

my son is so empathetic, like he's already

14:27

there, like he totally gets it already at

14:30

eight and a half. He's like, must have

14:32

been really tough here. I'm like this is

14:34

this, this is, this therapy, this therapy, like

14:36

my son, like my son, like my son,

14:38

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

14:40

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

14:43

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, Well,

14:48

I mean, if you want to pick up on

14:50

the height thing, so people can't see it. It's

14:52

a photo of me with several classmates, and I'm

14:54

comfortably the tallest one there. And that's on the

14:56

tall one, by the way, Jen, because you might

14:59

have not credited it. I thought that was you.

15:01

Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, he was a handsome

15:03

lad. Well, that's weird. I'm not, I'll take that

15:05

back. It's quite a blur, this is a real

15:07

classic 80s photograph taken probably on a crappy camera.

15:10

Yeah, it would have been $9.90 maybe. Right, okay,

15:12

so we're already on in the secondary school journey.

15:14

Early in the secondary school journey, and I was

15:16

comfortably the tallest person in my class, probably my

15:18

year. So I have been disinherited height-wise. If I'm

15:20

chippy about it, I got to this height, and

15:23

I was getting trials for all the sports team,

15:25

because they were like, oh boy, would they raise

15:27

you on raw meat boy? You know what I

15:29

mean? All the tall guy gags. It was one

15:31

horrible summer. So they was gently catching up when

15:34

I was about 14, and I went on summer

15:36

holiday, and I come back, and I remember this

15:38

lad Simon. and Graham, like I always just thought,

15:40

thought, thought, thought. Yeah, tiny sigh. Yeah, beaters, you

15:42

know, beaters. And they come back and they're just

15:45

both standing over me. And it's left me with

15:47

this kind of chippiness, even though my height is,

15:49

5 foot 9 and a quarter, which is back.

15:51

And that counts, right? That counts, right? It's average

15:53

type for you. supposed to have a different life.

15:56

I am shipping because I was supposed to have

15:58

a different life. You were promised a different life.

16:00

I was promised a different life and have this

16:02

weird thing still went tall and men put their

16:04

arm around me. I hate it. Get your hands

16:07

off me. I feel so emaculate. Really? Yeah, I

16:09

mean I don't mind like, you know, roughly... Do

16:11

you choose your friends by high height? Well I

16:13

remember when I was on Mash Report, there was

16:15

the two producers there, Chris Stock and Mark Barrett,

16:18

both about six too, and I used to stand

16:20

between them and I would like go and get

16:22

a stall, I would try anything. to break up

16:24

the power structure. You know, you try Cuban heels.

16:26

That's something. I do feel like whatever you, I'm,

16:29

you know, a lot of people are changing how

16:31

they look these days. I'm very much like, what

16:33

you've got is what you've got, you know, I

16:35

mean, you've got to work. That's so I will,

16:37

I will, although, a lot of. I don't think

16:40

of you as sure anyway, I mean I don't

16:42

think I've ever, I mean I'm exhibiting all the

16:44

characteristics, the psychological, you have changed our whole perception.

16:46

And you know what like, so like guys that

16:48

are significantly short in the average are less uptight

16:51

about it than guys that are around the average

16:53

because they've glimpsed the promised land of being tall.

16:55

What was school like? That school I didn't, so.

16:57

So me and my sister were both at school

16:59

called Park House, right? My sister didn't like it

17:02

there, so she moved to Southfields in Wandsworth. Which

17:04

was a rough school, right? So we moved from

17:06

a non-ruff school to a rough school, and then

17:08

my mum, with her way of thinking, because at

17:10

the time there was a Cold War threat, she

17:12

was like, if there's a nuclear war, I can't

17:15

get to both of you in time. Do you

17:17

know what? That's so funny you say, because when

17:19

I was a kid, probably not much like that.

17:21

I remember thinking, would I be able to get

17:23

home in time? It's because of threads, didn't it?

17:26

Yeah, and my mom and dad were like, just

17:28

a bit too blunt about the scale of the...

17:30

But that was kind of like, a bit of

17:32

background chat of that time. Yeah, yeah, no, because

17:34

now, as we speak, there's these things happening, but

17:37

no one really thinks there's going to be a

17:39

nuclear war. In the nuclear war now. I'm like,

17:41

I'm like, I'm like, I'm watching like, I'm watching

17:43

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

17:45

like, what was like, what was like, what was

17:48

like, what was, what was, what was, what was,

17:50

what was, what was, what was, what was, what

17:52

was, what was, what was, what was, what was,

17:54

what was, what was, what was Yeah, and diamond.

17:56

Yeah, sort of talking quite like sort of soberly

17:59

about the prospect of nuclear war and I'd finish

18:01

my toast and go, oh, I go to school.

18:03

of it might be the last one. Yeah, but

18:05

around that time, like when the wind blows was

18:07

a Christmas stock and field. When the wind blows,

18:10

yes. I think there was like, but I think

18:12

like that whole Cold War period, we've completely forgotten

18:14

about how intense it was, especially in terms of

18:16

like, you know, the news,

18:18

they really lent into that idea that we

18:20

were constantly on the brink of war with

18:23

Russia. Yeah, you know about now, you go

18:25

wooh. I mean, I don't, but my mom

18:27

says she remembers the Cuba crisis. But that

18:29

was different. Yeah, I mean, that was genuine

18:31

crisis and that really nearly did lead to.

18:34

But this thing in the news now that

18:36

spikes as we speak this way, it's like

18:38

it is a kind of contemporary equivalent of

18:40

what we're at these different... But no one

18:43

seems to be a bizarre sort of... Well,

18:45

every time Peter he goes, I definitely would

18:47

use them, it seems less plausible. Oh, I'm

18:49

sorting in the nuke a bother, don't make

18:51

me mad. But then, you know, when the

18:54

Cold War thing happened, Rocky Baw for Ivan

18:56

Drago, he won, he gave that speech and

18:58

the Cold War ended, so... Where did you

19:00

go to school? Did you say Southfield? Well,

19:03

I went to, yeah, I went to Park

19:05

House. There was Ricard's Lodge. Ricard's Lodge, yeah.

19:07

You remember the misogynist names for the girls'

19:09

schools around that time? A whole house on

19:11

the hill. What? That was my school. Ricard's

19:14

Lodge was slag- Slapper Lodge. Slapper's Lodge, yeah.

19:16

I mean, it's not funny, but like we

19:18

shouldn't say it, but it was a funny

19:20

name. Yeah, it's funny how quickly, yeah, it's

19:22

funny how quickly, yeah, we've moved past that,

19:25

that's what I'm saying. That's outrageous. I mean,

19:27

slap is sort of a funny word because

19:29

it's so brutal, but the, but yeah, I

19:31

remember like, it was like, like women used

19:34

to, like, growing women then, used to hate

19:36

girls schools, they would build up the mystique,

19:38

and the mystique and the mystique and the

19:40

mythology, and the mythology, and the mythology, No,

19:42

no, to my sister. Oh, to your sister?

19:45

Oh, right. Well, I mean, I don't think

19:47

all girls schools are great. I don't, I

19:49

just don't think, I don't know. Single sex

19:51

schools are a kind of funny thing anyway.

19:53

Well, I went, so I changed from a

19:56

mix school that I wasn't working for me,

19:58

you know, and I went to then a

20:00

single sex school that was a boy school,

20:02

and it was more. it's sort of like,

20:05

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

20:07

it's like, it's like, it's sort of like,

20:09

it's supposed to be more, and it was

20:11

like, right, you're gonna do rugby, cricket and

20:13

football, shut up, get in lines, you know.

20:16

No girls, getting under your feet. No girls,

20:18

it was getting under, I mean, I just

20:20

found, this is, and this is a loaded

20:22

word, but like, as I started to hit

20:24

puberty, I just very distracted, I just very

20:27

distracted by the presence, I, like, like, like.

20:29

What was the school called? What was Rutlish?

20:31

But, so you know Rutlish, I know Rutlish.

20:33

So it had a grammar school past, but

20:36

then it was a comp, but it was

20:38

a complete like, sort of middle ground between

20:40

those two cultures. It was hanging on to

20:42

its old grammar school. It did like, they

20:44

used to have a speech night where they

20:47

wear fucking robes, you know, it was weird.

20:49

Rightly, they were like. Mine's got blurred. But

20:51

went on, what? Just look, it was, you

20:53

know, when people drink, they're fighting and, you

20:55

know, there's, there were, there were things happened.

21:02

What is her next photograph? Right, let's go.

21:04

Is this with your mom? Yeah, that's my

21:06

mom. That's your lovely mom. Jan. In your

21:08

kitchen? Yeah, so that was where we moved.

21:11

So we're in the council of state in

21:13

Wimbledon, which gets no credibility, because we've got

21:15

Wimbledon, but we've got Wimbledon, but we've got

21:17

Wimbledon, but Wimbledon, but Wimbledon, but Wimbledon, had,

21:19

because Wimbledon, but Wimbledon, was a trade union.

21:22

She just was smart, incisive, she just had

21:24

a comedy brain. Like my dad had the

21:26

stories about my dad away funnier because he

21:28

was fucking, he did mad, mental shit. But

21:30

my mum was like the, like she, of

21:33

the two of them, she could have been

21:35

a comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she had a,

21:37

I know, and just a sort of offbeat

21:39

way of seeing the world, you know, that's

21:41

like. What did she think of what you

21:44

do then? She must be very fast. So

21:46

she, so she passed before I'd really sort

21:48

of, so I'd been. it you know doing

21:50

club comedy and stuff but always got the

21:52

feeling that she could tell that what I

21:54

was doing wasn't what I was supposed to

21:57

be doing she'd be like oh yeah it's

21:59

very good very good son very good really

22:01

well done you know I go okay I

22:03

just feel like that wasn't the full endorsement

22:05

but but she was right because I didn't

22:08

yet worked out what I really wanted to

22:10

do and say on stage you know right

22:12

yeah so she's years though Yeah it does

22:14

take weirdly long. But that's interesting that your

22:16

mum had an instinct for it. But she

22:19

wouldn't have articulated it. Well she would have

22:21

seen me up on stage and she would

22:23

probably go showing off. You know she'd be

22:25

just holding his true comedic potential. She yeah,

22:27

a little micro judgement plus the amount of

22:30

swearing. She hated the amount of swearing. Oh

22:32

mom's don't like swimming. They don't like swearing,

22:34

didn't they? Also total hypocrites, you know, swore

22:36

all the time. Yeah, but mom's reserved the

22:38

right to hypocrisy more than anyone else, I

22:40

think. Yep. As I say, you know what

22:43

I do? 100%. Yeah. And my mom also,

22:45

when I do impressions of her, people think

22:47

it sounds like a slightly homophobic impression of

22:49

a gay man, but she did have some

22:51

of that energy about her. slightly camp. Yes

22:54

she was camp working class there is something

22:56

about you know the sniffiness of working class

22:58

pride which is sort of can feel camp

23:00

at times yeah yeah she was full yeah

23:02

she was she was she was quite I

23:05

like her beaded curtains the be what is

23:07

in the background now? You don't see enough

23:09

beaded curtains anymore ever. Her and my stepdad

23:11

it was there was a lot of clutter

23:13

there was just always But it was a

23:16

thing, like this whole famous way, clear it

23:18

out, Marie Condo, that wasn't a thing. Why

23:20

would you have got rid of stuff? Well,

23:22

it's on my stuff. I have to take

23:24

me years to collect all this stuff, and

23:27

I'm going to hang on to it. Not

23:29

letting it go. So when I could do

23:31

it, too, you have to clear the house

23:33

out, I would say. You're on day 20

23:35

of going through the lot for stuff that

23:37

was like, and if this is a very

23:40

working class thing, thinking, thinking stuff, thinking stuff,

23:42

thinking stuff will be worth thinking stuff, thinking

23:44

stuff will be worth something, thinking stuff will

23:46

be worth something, thinking stuff will be worth

23:48

something, You mommy words for it. But my

23:51

mom used to sell second hand stuff on

23:53

a stall. So she would keep hold of

23:55

everything because one day she'd do car boot

23:57

sales. all that stuff. So one day I

23:59

will sell it and it's like you won't.

24:02

And it's like one put it back in

24:04

the loft. Yeah, when I heard about like

24:06

cash for gold, you know what I mean?

24:08

My mom loved the car boot as well.

24:10

She loved the scene. I love to see.

24:13

I mean I do feel bad that my

24:15

kids will never know that getting up at

24:17

5 o'clock in the morning in winter and

24:19

driving. I know but I don't get involved

24:21

in them now. That is a seminal part

24:24

of my childhood is doing a car boot.

24:26

You've done all right. You don't, you know,

24:28

they don't need to know that. They can

24:30

find that later. But there is a thing.

24:32

The thing is you can find. Yeah, and

24:34

also you get like the, because you get

24:37

the dealers that start, so they come around

24:39

early because they're looking for the bargains. What

24:41

about the people that just pick up a

24:43

piece of crap that I'll give you too.

24:45

Yeah, I don't like to bring it up,

24:48

but yeah, I did do a lot of

24:50

gigs for the troops. I said, if I

24:52

was there, I'd go, great, you can keep

24:54

it, I just wanted to win the negotiation.

24:56

There's a fuck, I don't want that piece

24:59

of shit in my house. Is this your

25:01

next picture this one? This one? Yeah, I

25:03

don't like to bring it up, but yeah,

25:05

I did do a lot of gigs for

25:07

the troops. I say the only to bring

25:10

it up. It was

25:12

a war, I don't worry your little head

25:14

there, ladies, army stuff. It was, yeah, yeah.

25:16

So I did, there was a period in

25:18

2011 to 2013 where there was these two

25:20

conflicts going on and there were certain acts

25:22

that were suited to it, I was one

25:24

of those acts. And so once you did

25:26

it once, like Afghanistan. you had all this

25:28

security clearance and stuff and just the fact

25:30

that you were able to withstand being there

25:32

meant that they were going to ask you

25:34

to do it more often. So I did

25:36

it I did it five times in space

25:38

three years. Wow, who did you go out

25:40

with? I went with Rudy Liquid, I went

25:42

out with, but the interesting thing about those

25:44

gigs was you worked with other artists, so

25:46

you would have the band, and that was

25:49

called, there was like a sexy not smart.

25:51

the thing but it's good to have that

25:53

distinction isn't it? Yeah it's a fine line.

25:55

The girls were the girls were I mean

25:57

these are like these girls were rock and

25:59

roll you know what I mean there was

26:01

like really young not really I mean like

26:03

early 20s but they're out in war zones

26:05

you know what I mean like if you

26:07

look at whatever your thoughts are politically about

26:09

those conflicts right if you just bring it

26:11

down to predominantly young men in a very

26:13

stressful situation it was like the most acute

26:15

version of what it what it what it

26:17

can be But it's funny, it's funny, we

26:19

talk about the dancing girls, remember there's one,

26:21

we were at Kandahar Air Base and there

26:23

was like, there was three air raids like

26:25

things in the space for now. So I

26:27

was getting worried, like, you know, I was

26:29

thinking, Jesus. I was going to say, were

26:31

you scared? Yeah, I was, I was. It

26:34

was really weird that like, of the performers,

26:36

the young ones without kids weren't scared and

26:38

everyone, I was really was scared. And I

26:40

remember there was a girl on stage dancing,

26:42

she was doing like a chair dance. It

26:44

wasn't stripping, it was sexy, not smartly. But

26:46

she was like, get down, and she just

26:48

like lay across the chair. And then just

26:50

coincidentally, the light was shining off her seagrin

26:52

hot pants. And like it created this incredible

26:54

aesthetic, which was the offer backside basically. It

26:56

was this big shaft of light going up

26:58

into the sky. And then all like, all

27:00

the Scottys started like laughing, because it just

27:02

looked so weird. And then like, like, like,

27:04

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

27:06

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

27:08

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

27:10

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

27:12

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, Oh

27:14

shut up like and you know you're getting

27:16

told off like so the the senior ranking

27:19

officers like stop laughing it's not funny and

27:21

then everyone's laughing it's the absurdity well you

27:23

know you're against the like the opposition was

27:25

a regime that weren't that fond of women

27:27

doing stuff like that and you go look

27:29

what we're doing Yeah, we're literally bouncing a

27:31

light into the night sky off of her

27:33

backside, off of her backside, off of her

27:35

back. Yeah, I remember someone recommending me to

27:37

do, though, I don't think I, I think

27:39

they recommended me, I don't, I never got,

27:41

I never got asked to do them, but

27:43

I just remember thinking, is that you know

27:45

for how many women did it like not

27:47

many there was more coming in towards the

27:49

end I always thought like I could I

27:51

think you'd have done well I think you

27:53

both would have done well in the gigs

27:55

you know if you are seasoned if you're

27:57

a seasoned club. washing machine material at that

27:59

point. But if they'd have given you shit

28:01

you would have put them down. And like

28:04

I remember like some of the female singers

28:06

would go out and the lads would say

28:08

things that were, you know, looking back fairly.

28:10

Inappropriate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a gig,

28:12

that is what. But what they were waiting

28:14

for was the woman to shame them, right?

28:16

So there was a singer called Chinade and

28:18

then like they would say something that she

28:20

would just basically say you had a tiny

28:22

dig. That shut that down. I know, they

28:24

loved it. It didn't take much. They really

28:26

wanted the woman to put the guy down

28:28

and have a great gig. But yeah, it's

28:30

quite an extreme version of performing. Yeah. Like

28:32

blows call each other's behaviour out more directly

28:34

on an ongoing basis, but girls will be

28:36

more subtle. You know, it's a more loaded

28:38

process. For a group of female friends until

28:40

one of them, you know, it's like a

28:42

like a knob. Like that is a massive

28:44

shout. Like that is, you know, 10 years

28:46

of conflict could come from that. So yeah,

28:49

if someone you don't know, kind of, with

28:51

a female audience member, you have to give

28:53

them several chances because you have to have

28:55

the audience so on side. Before you can

28:57

even approach it. Where's it going? Shouts once,

28:59

you go, shut up, Baldy. And like, yeah,

29:01

they love being called Baldy. Yeah, it's their

29:03

favorite. Well, having said that. You know, now

29:05

I look back, you try and be more

29:07

open-minded-minded. I sort of think like, yeah, some

29:09

blokes were all probably really not happy about

29:11

it. And one guy wanted to fight me

29:13

after a gig once. And it wasn't even

29:15

because of something I said, Jeff, me and

29:17

Jeff White were doing a double-hander. He did

29:19

the first half hour, right? The Jeffs! The

29:21

two Jeffs, right? Is that what you called

29:23

it? Yeah, the two, it was like a

29:25

Christmas gig at like a village hotel. And

29:27

he, I hope he recorded it. And he

29:29

said to this guy, this guy went heckle

29:31

me, he went nice hair cup mate, shame

29:34

you forgot to bring it. It's an old

29:36

line, I think it's a good line, the

29:38

guy immediately went right, see you at the

29:40

bar mate and he stood out there drinking

29:42

whiskey because he was going to fight Jeff.

29:44

And then meanwhile, we've crossed over, it's another

29:46

Jeff, this guy comes back. thinks I'm Jeff

29:48

Whiting comes down to the front and go

29:50

and I just stood there I said he

29:52

said what do you think's gonna happen next

29:54

I said well I think everyone thinks you're

29:56

a tosser and he's like oh right you

29:58

got me twice now see you in the

30:00

car park oh got you twice yeah we

30:02

thought I was doubled up the job I

30:04

mean like doesn't you recognize the other I

30:06

don't know if he was... What happened? So

30:08

he waited for me afterwards and like he

30:10

really like he was because the reason he

30:12

lost his hair was something to do a

30:14

big stress in his life weren't like I

30:16

felt for him but he's also I was

30:18

like you want to talk about it you

30:21

know but then he's like no I want

30:23

to fight you I was like oh well

30:25

I'm seeing where the stress comes from mate.

30:27

Like, turn it down a notch. Well, he

30:29

said, then he said to me, like, I

30:31

was like, well, if we're gonna fight, let's

30:33

do it here. He's like, no, just go

30:35

to a dark call of the car park.

30:37

I was like, absolutely not. Like, you seem

30:39

like you know what you're doing. I want

30:41

cameras, you know, get the shit. Get the

30:43

shit. Can you sort of therapy him out

30:45

of this conference? I felt like I could

30:47

have, but then, the funny thing was, so

30:49

I rang Jeff, I rang Jeff, I rang

30:51

Jeff, he asked him, he asked him, he

30:53

asked him, he said, he said, he said,

30:55

he said, he said, he said, he said,

30:57

he said, he said, he said, he said,

30:59

he said, he said, No, no. So I

31:01

just, I kept saying, look, I'm not, if

31:03

we're going to fight, we're going to fight

31:06

here. And in the end, I think his

31:08

wife eventually, she was sort of begging him

31:10

on at first. And then she sort of

31:12

saw sense, I think she's sobering up a

31:14

bit. So I was on the way home

31:16

and I rang Jeff Why and I told

31:18

him a whole story. I was in the

31:20

state of stress and he went, yeah. Oh

31:27

this, come on, let's talk about,

31:29

let's talk about this legend. Right,

31:32

oh yeah, so that's a photo of Russ

31:35

Abbott. It's a photo of a photo of

31:37

Russ Abbott. So when I was small, I

31:39

loved comedy, I loved Russ Abbott, because he

31:41

was very funny, Basil and Bond. He was

31:44

on telly all the time. Without Basil and

31:46

Bond, there's no Austin Powers, let's just say

31:48

that. Not lawsuit level, but he walked, so

31:51

Mike Myers could run. You know, Cooper Man,

31:53

see you Jimmy. back that was... Do you

31:55

remember see you, did it? And that's about

31:57

someone, yeah. No, that was that was funny

32:00

but I loved it my mom like she

32:02

was a big like she was a very

32:04

godmother type of mother she was like creating

32:07

dreams for us all and so she would

32:09

get a bee and a bonnet she was

32:11

like well I'm gonna you're gonna meet my

32:13

Sabbath so unbeked so unbeknownst to me. She

32:16

got in touch with the team from surprise

32:18

surprise, surprise, you know, silver black surprise. It

32:20

wasn't on air, but she still managed to

32:22

make them facilitate a meeting with me and

32:25

Russ Abbott. Where? How? He was in some

32:27

theater, he was in me and my girl

32:29

in the West End, and my mom took

32:32

me into life, like, you're going to meet

32:34

Russ Abbott today. Oh, fuck. I went in

32:36

there and he was so nice. I mean

32:38

you think about male celebrities from that era.

32:41

If he had said, oh I love, give

32:43

us 20 minutes. Shut the door behind you.

32:45

You know that could have happened, but it

32:48

didn't. He was really nice and I went

32:50

in there and I told him this joke

32:52

that didn't. I went in there and I

32:54

told him this joke that didn't make sense.

32:57

It was real, like I went in there

32:59

and I told him this joke that didn't

33:01

make any way. How right

33:04

he would be true. But yeah. I

33:06

mean, this may or may not be.

33:08

What happened to us ever? He's still,

33:10

I think he's still away. Is he

33:12

still performing? Such a kind man. Like

33:15

he was just just genuinely, you know,

33:17

when you're in a room with someone,

33:19

even as a nine year old, like

33:21

I could feel like he was just

33:24

a good, a good person. And then

33:26

what happened was, afterwards, his agent got

33:28

in New Romney. Oh no!

33:30

Oh man, what? Well my mom told me

33:32

lally, and I was like, I remember as

33:34

a kid thinking, well why did she let

33:36

me know that the offer was even made?

33:39

You know, like, I thought, she was very

33:41

transparent, she would just say what was everyone,

33:43

I don't really know, I think, I don't

33:45

really know, I don't really know, I think,

33:47

I think maybe, it's my first ever inadvertent

33:49

review, you're like, not really, not yet. was

33:51

a point, I think, yeah, I don't know

33:53

when it happened when I started to think,

33:55

I think my mum would like what I'm

33:57

doing now. It's not to do the political

33:59

stuff, it's just being like bold on stage,

34:01

taking risk, risking not being liked, you know,

34:03

all that sort of stuff, which I think

34:06

any good stand up, you don't have to

34:08

do all the time, you don't want to

34:10

go on to be a total prick, but.

34:12

But nothing makes me more suspicious in a

34:14

stand-up when they have a powerful need to

34:16

make you think they're a good person. Right.

34:18

Because you think like, I don't think that

34:20

as to you, like I really love stand-up

34:22

that is willing to lay bare your inconsistencies.

34:24

That's what I've always loved about your stuff

34:26

is just that relatability, just a human condition.

34:28

It would just go like your own hypocrisy.

34:31

People would say, oh you're affecting a point

34:33

of view, or whether it's your attitude to

34:35

parenting, whatever you go. No, but you've always

34:37

been transparent about your hypocrisy as well. Yeah,

34:39

yeah, because I think all you go, all

34:41

you go, look, I might not think what

34:43

I just said all the time, but I

34:45

did think that once, it crossed my mind,

34:47

and I thought it was funny that I

34:49

thought it. So I'm telling you now. But

34:51

I love that. I said that what comedy

34:53

is, you're saying the thing that is unsaid.

34:56

No one's saying it. You go, well I'm

34:58

going to say it. And then one goes,

35:00

well I'm not going to admit that I've

35:02

thought that. You know, that's the whole point.

35:04

The new show that I'll be working on.

35:06

I've been talking about how judgey I am

35:08

of other parents. And it's that safety thing.

35:10

People say you shouldn't judge. Yes, you should.

35:12

Right. Especially in my job. Especially in my

35:14

job. And you kind of go, it's literally

35:16

our job. And then you kind of go,

35:18

well, what they mean is you shouldn't verbalise

35:20

the judgment. But what standups have is a

35:23

unique license to go, I'm pretty sure that

35:25

this might sound out there, but I bet

35:27

you've all thought this too, or you've contemplated

35:29

it. So I'll use my... Yeah. But your

35:31

kind of ability to just scare those real

35:33

domestic, that's, I mean bits of your, there

35:35

are, you know how some comments you've just

35:37

got bits that have become part of your

35:39

life. Yeah, yeah. Your walking past stuff on

35:41

the stairs is now ingrained into my life

35:43

because it still winds me up, I will

35:45

walk past stuff on the stairs. Yeah. And

35:48

I just always remember your bit. Well I

35:50

still do it. Yeah. I just I can't

35:52

stand it. 20 years. It's funny for my

35:54

work. It's not funny for my wife because

35:56

she goes 20 years ago. You did that

35:58

routine and you're still walking past stuff on

36:00

the. people quote back to me most is

36:02

the thing about medals like you know like

36:04

me doing a rare bit of housework oh

36:06

yeah and then say and then telling my

36:08

wife it's the reporting of it I said

36:10

babe I did the whoa and she's like

36:12

well do you want a medal and I'm

36:15

like yeah Yeah, I

36:17

think yeah, like be honest. Yeah, so

36:19

most so most places would have to

36:21

go no, no, but I can go

36:23

as a stand-up. Yes. Yeah, men like

36:25

medals. Why do you think we go

36:27

to war? You're good at the whole

36:29

boy man. I like the boy man.

36:31

I think it's that thing of like

36:33

with couples like when they're out, it's

36:35

just whether or not, it doesn't even

36:37

matter if it's like the man or

36:39

the woman or whatever kind of relationship

36:41

you're in, it's just do I see

36:43

that? Because momentarily you feel your other

36:45

half is explained to you or you

36:47

feel validated. You know, so you know,

36:49

I still think it's the best kind

36:51

of comedy. It's the best kind of

36:53

domestic. Yeah, yeah. It's always, it always

36:55

I think to be going into new

36:57

terrain terrain to new terrain with it.

36:59

So like for the new tour coming

37:01

up, like I've been talking about clips

37:03

and reals. So you know how like,

37:05

I think like I, men watch depraved

37:08

shit, like you know, like it's really

37:10

bad, a lot of fighting, we watch

37:12

fighting clips and stuff. Whereas my wife,

37:14

she watches like this wholesome stuff. And

37:16

I think like women are more collegiate.

37:18

So she'll send me a clip, you

37:20

know, she'll send me a clip. and

37:22

then the blows got to do homework

37:24

as well. So he's got this sort

37:26

of to do listen. And you know,

37:28

one of the things I think is

37:30

in 2024, no one's short of content,

37:32

right? Right. You don't need the clips.

37:34

Yeah, so, but then you have to

37:36

go, yeah, I saw the clip, yeah,

37:38

the deaf baby that heard its mom's

37:40

voice for the first time, yeah, very

37:42

moving, yeah. So it just makes me

37:44

also realize that my wife's more wholesome

37:46

than me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know,

37:48

mine's all fighting and fighting and yeah.

37:50

I don't want to know. I don't

37:52

want to know what you're looking at

37:54

on the dark web. It's a coping

37:56

strategy. So if you guys are sending

37:58

me your clips, my would

38:01

be fucked. In a good way. So

38:03

you're on tour is that? Yeah I

38:05

tried to tease it a little bit

38:07

haven't I? So do it up. Work

38:09

in progress leg March and April of

38:12

next year and then I'll eventually do

38:14

a full tour start from the autumn.

38:16

Then there's obviously the weekly topical comedy

38:18

podcast not obviously I mean but there

38:20

is one that I do. Do you

38:23

do that with someone else or is

38:25

that? I do it with kind of,

38:27

it's called what most people think so,

38:29

I do it with, so it's sort

38:32

of, it's been going five years and

38:34

I finally found the format. He's the,

38:36

right, and it's quite, it's quite, it's

38:38

quite, it's a bit groundbreaking. I talk

38:40

about the news and do jokes about

38:43

it. Oh, I haven't heard of it.

38:45

I've never heard of anyone too. No,

38:47

it's a new thing I'm trying to

38:49

work out. But no, I like doing

38:51

the pogo. There's a good discipline about

38:54

it every week. Oh, you guys, you

38:56

series. You know, you call cat podcasters.

38:58

You see every bloody week over that

39:00

microphone. And you do it remotely or

39:03

are you doing it? I do it

39:05

at home. I think it really annoys

39:07

my, not annoys, but surprises my wife

39:09

that I haven't missed a week of

39:11

it. Because of all the other failings

39:14

that I have and things I'm unable

39:16

to remember to do. You walk our

39:18

shit on the stairs when you get

39:20

that hot hot hot. But we like

39:22

get back from like going on a

39:25

holiday and I'll be up there at

39:27

11 p. I've got to have a

39:29

puck or something. Oh, that's great. Are

39:31

you ready for the season that is

39:34

jolly? How do you mean ready? How

39:36

are we defining red? Emotionally. Emotionally. Emotionally,

39:38

yeah. Logistically, no. I haven't done anything.

39:40

I haven't like engaged, like haven't done

39:42

any Christmas shopping. I haven't put any

39:45

decorations up. I haven't got the Christmas

39:47

box out of the loft. I haven't

39:49

done any of that. I haven't like

39:51

thought about any of that. Okay. But

39:53

emotionally, yeah. I'm up for it. That's

39:56

interesting. I think. a couple of weeks

39:58

ago when you were talking about wintering,

40:00

which immediately I was, I sort of

40:02

poo pooed. But you come around, you

40:04

come around. I've actually come around to

40:07

it a little bit in as much

40:09

as... What am I doing with my

40:11

hands? No, no, no, I mean, what

40:13

are you doing to winter? I haven't

40:16

actually started wintering yet because I haven't

40:18

accepted that Christmas is occurring, but I

40:20

will. So what I'm going to do

40:22

is, I'm going to see Christmas as

40:24

this month and not as a day,

40:27

because the day just really stresses me

40:29

the fuck out. That's the secret, it's

40:31

not a day. It's a season. Fucking

40:33

stand it. Christmas Day to me, apart

40:35

from the bit where the kids get

40:38

really excited, I love all that. But

40:40

then after that, I'm like, all right,

40:42

let's wrap this shit up. The day

40:44

is too much. I'm a lot of

40:47

fun around Christmas. The day I find

40:49

stressful and unenjoyable. but the season yeah

40:51

the season that's the trick yes you

40:53

start getting the fairy lights out you

40:55

dress yeah start with the mince pies

40:58

you what you watch your Christmas movie

41:00

yes you get boo play out you

41:02

get boo I thought you were going

41:04

to say something else. You get booby

41:06

plays out. You get booblay out. You

41:09

start wintering seasonal. You get like foraging.

41:11

I'm going to make a wreath. I

41:13

make a wreath for the door. You

41:15

do that every year, don't you? You

41:18

forage, yeah. Forage for the seasonal debris.

41:20

I might put a plastic bag in

41:22

it this year. I

41:25

love you. One of those plastic bags

41:27

filled with the dog shit. I think

41:29

just hanging off the end of your

41:31

wreath. Yeah, just things I've foraged locally

41:33

down some alleys up strep and common.

41:37

A dogshith bag and a mistletoe. I

41:39

love that you make a wreath. That's

41:41

great. Chloe made one. She's fully wreathing.

41:43

Yeah, she loves doing all of that.

41:45

Yeah, sure. I'll tell you. That's what

41:47

we've discussed before me and Chloe like

41:49

a bit of crafting. You do, you

41:52

love crafting and I love that for

41:54

you. And there's going to be, there's

41:56

a craft fair extravaganza happening every week

41:58

here in Brighton. Yeah. is the season

42:00

for all that shit. Christmas crafting. I

42:02

don't know what, mold wine, I don't

42:04

even really like mold wine, but I

42:06

like to have one, just because it's

42:09

like, do, do, do, do, do, do,

42:11

do, do, do, do, exactly. And you

42:13

have a, a, on, I've got like

42:15

a muff. Yeah, let's

42:17

go in for the double entendre

42:20

of Muff Chat. What do you

42:22

mean you've got a muff? Right,

42:24

a muff is like one of

42:27

those Doris Day hand warming things

42:29

that she'd wear in those old

42:31

50s films where she'd go ice

42:34

skating with the boys she fancied.

42:36

Yeah. And she like go ice

42:38

skating and she put her hands

42:41

in a muff. Right, that seems

42:43

like, that's quite unsafe. Okay, all

42:45

right. Anyway, she's a very good

42:48

ice skater. Okay, I'll

42:50

take your word for it. Doris Day could

42:52

do anything that she wanted to. Um, Kerry,

42:54

why do you, uh, own a buff? I

42:56

haven't, but in my head, I kind of

42:59

like that kind of retro 50s Christmas Eve,

43:01

do you know what I mean? Where are

43:03

you off? Yeah, a snood, Doris Day, muff,

43:05

and you could go ice skating, even at

43:08

this global warming, so there's no ice. Ice.

43:10

Ice. But in olden times, you would have

43:12

gone down down the tens and you'd have

43:14

skated skated skated down the tens and you'd

43:17

have skated down the tens and you'd have

43:19

skated down the tens and you'd have skated

43:21

down the tens, down the tens, down the

43:23

tens, down the tens, down the tens, down

43:26

the tens, No one's been skating on the

43:28

Thames for about five or six hundred years

43:30

surely. No, maybe a hundred years, not five

43:32

or six. Like they were doing it in

43:35

Victorian times. Were they? Did you know there

43:37

was a... No, actually did you know there

43:39

was a mini ice age during the Victorian

43:42

times? Which is why we have always the

43:44

association of there being snow at Christmas because

43:46

it did use the snow every year of

43:48

Christmas because there was the mini ice age

43:51

in Dickensian... Exactly, and they had been ice

43:53

skating down the Thames. Yes, ice skating. And

43:55

markets on the Thames? Did they? Yeah, they

43:57

never had a whole locket. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

44:00

yeah, I'm sure I didn't make that up.

44:02

I would not want to do that. No,

44:04

thank you. Well, fortunately, we're not a history

44:06

podcast. We're a... No, go to... to the

44:09

rest of history. Yeah, you might need to

44:11

look that up. Was there a winter market

44:13

on the Thames in Victorian times? Answer on

44:15

a postcard. Answer on a postcard. Answer on

44:18

a postcard. I'm not going to say no,

44:20

because I've already said there was a mini

44:22

ice age, which is a thing that I

44:24

didn't know about until someone told me. But

44:27

in my head, that's what Christmas should be.

44:29

Yes. Yes, I agree. We should all be

44:31

having Christmas, but not the Christmas markets we

44:33

get now, which is just like a prefab

44:36

shed full of crap. Yeah. Yeah. And it's

44:38

every, any, any, and they're called like German

44:40

Christmas markets. If I was German, I'd be

44:42

wondering, I'd be wondering, I'd be wondering, going,

44:45

please stop saying German and prefacing German in

44:47

front of whatever the fuck this is, because

44:49

it's disappointing. Yeah, yeah. No,

44:51

I've heard years of eating sausages.

44:53

I only gave up sausages in

44:55

my early 40s, so I definitely,

44:58

I covered sausages. You've covered up.

45:00

I take sausages off. Have you?

45:02

Yeah. Life. Yeah. To be honest.

45:04

They're like tick-done sausages. I

45:07

stopped eating sausages like very early on,

45:09

but I still eat first. Sorry, I

45:11

mean, yeah, that was... You've got, you

45:14

see what I mean with the muff

45:16

thing? You've really got, you've really gone

45:18

down a long long journey. You brought

45:21

up the muff thing so then that

45:23

I had to like even out the

45:25

double entangers, that's what happened there. Yeah,

45:28

fair enough. Yeah. What happens with comedians

45:30

with comedians? They just can't help themselves.

45:32

You can't, a cockchock choke, a cockchock,

45:35

bringing it, bringing it. Am I'm all

45:37

right? Am I'm all right? Am I'm

45:39

all right? Am I'm all right? Am

45:42

I'm all right? Am I'm all right?

45:44

I had something else on my, like

45:46

just resting here on my forehead of

45:49

something I was going to ask you.

45:51

Yeah, podcasting, I've been doing loads of

45:53

podcasting because I'm doing tour promoting. Talk,

45:56

tell, describe what's happening. Right, so I've

45:58

been doing lots of podcasts and promotion

46:00

for my tour, I've been doing work

46:03

in progress shows for my tour. sale?

46:05

Oh my God. It gets available now?

46:07

Yes and do go on to Kerry

46:10

Godliman's Instagram page to check out all

46:12

of her tour promo. Yes, directed by

46:14

Frank, her son, absolute dynamite. He's great

46:17

isn't he? He's very clever. Very good.

46:19

Someone very politely said to me the

46:21

other day, Kerry, who's doing that with

46:24

you because you're not capable of that

46:26

technical? No, no, it's pretty obvious that

46:28

you're doing it. No, Frank's doing it.

46:31

Yeah, yeah, but you know what he's

46:33

done? Is he really knows his mum?

46:35

Yeah, I mean, you know, I'd like

46:38

to say it's a collaborative project. I'm

46:40

sure, I'm sure, but tonally, wow. Yeah,

46:42

I said, look mate, just capture my

46:45

spirit in jump cuts and he smashed

46:47

it. I mean, literally, absolutely smashed it.

46:49

We had a lovely time making those.

46:52

That should go for that if that

46:54

doesn't get a bathter. I reckon it

46:56

could get a bath when yeah could

46:59

get a bathter short. I think we'd

47:01

all up our game a bit wouldn't

47:03

we in terms of tour promo if

47:06

there was an award available? Definitely. Can

47:08

you imagine? When I was told or

47:10

advised rather by my agent to do

47:13

a bit of tour promo, and you

47:15

know what I'm like about creating content,

47:17

it doesn't come naturally to me. I

47:20

was like, okay, how am I going

47:22

to do it in a way that

47:24

is fun for me and maybe genuine?

47:27

Yeah. And I had a really good,

47:29

we had a really good time making

47:31

those. You can tell. Yeah, they were

47:34

a lot of things. I mean, Frank,

47:36

even though you can't see Frank's face,

47:38

there was a galley. His voice. Yeah.

47:41

He got me to do a jump

47:43

scare and he thought that I was

47:45

faking it. I wasn't faking it. He

47:48

genuinely tricked me to think the dog

47:50

had crapped in the house. Oh, I

47:52

genuinely thought that he, that you were

47:55

genuine. I didn't think that that wasn't

47:57

genuine. No, he couldn't believe that I

47:59

felt. Oh my God, absolutely brilliant. Because you're not

48:01

Because you're not thinking ever, a content would occur to

48:03

you So it never would occur to you

48:05

that would be put on this is something that

48:08

we'll put on the though later. to him at the

48:10

even though I said to him at

48:12

the beginning of that weekend, I went, to

48:14

I need to make a film to promote

48:16

my tour, let's do it a this, we'll

48:18

make it a fun kind of sort

48:20

of silly blah blah blah. He understood He understood immediately

48:22

what I wanted I I just left him

48:24

to make it. to make it. So he did. He

48:26

did. great. He was great. the full,

48:28

I I want the one though, because I've

48:30

got two little I've got two little

48:32

ones, so what I want is

48:34

for Frank to put the whole

48:36

thing together. Yeah, that's what I I need

48:38

to do. You

48:44

know when your phone's got belly button

48:46

fluff in it, and you have to stick,

48:48

yes. in it And you have to stick to

48:50

cocktail stick. you have to your phone

48:53

stick in your phone it a

48:55

wiggle about. I've never give it a wiggle

48:57

get I've never had that. bit. get

48:59

like I this bit. Yeah. have

49:01

that problem. have that

49:04

problem. think because I'm

49:06

just not a I'm just not a

49:08

fluffy person. everywhere mate.

49:11

Well, with you, you, it seems to be to

49:13

be for you. fluff saying I've got

49:15

a dirty house. saying I've got a dirty

49:17

No, actually, what I'm saying, know actually,

49:19

saying, is that you are filled

49:21

with electricity. so static, that's

49:23

what's happening to the

49:25

fluff, that's what's fluff, So the

49:28

that's attracted to you.

49:30

that's attracted to you. Yeah, like know,

49:32

like know like an just

49:34

full of that's the wind

49:36

has blown in All the

49:38

windows bags. like animal hair

49:41

and bags and and down

49:43

my foot. That's the alleyway.

49:45

What about this? stuck down my phone.

49:47

That's the alleyway. What

49:49

is that how you

49:51

refer to the socket in

49:53

your phone as an

49:55

anus? that how you refer to the socket in

49:58

your phone as an anus. Right. Yes.

50:00

whenever you plug in

50:02

your phone, in your phone, it's into

50:04

its anus. Yes, that's right. I'm That's

50:07

how your phone receives

50:09

its charge through its receives its

50:11

charge through its butt hole. Through his butt hole.