0:00

on today's episode of Mentally

0:02

Stronger. It's been

0:04

10 years since I wrote 13

0:06

Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, and

0:09

the world has changed a lot in

0:11

the past decade. Think about it,

0:13

10 years ago, smartphones weren't glued to

0:15

our hands like they are now. And

0:19

apps like TikTok didn't even exist. Nobody

0:22

was working from home, and the word

0:24

pandemic wasn't part of our daily

0:26

conversations. So how

0:28

have smartphones, social media,

0:30

COVID, and the increased

0:32

prioritization of mental health influence the

0:34

way we manage our thoughts, feelings,

0:36

and actions? Well, the

0:38

principles of mental strength haven't

0:40

changed, but the issues we're

0:42

dealing with have. So the

0:44

strategies that we use to combat the

0:47

things that are draining us of mental

0:49

strength should be shifting too. And

0:51

that's what we're talking about today. So

0:54

whether you've already read 13

0:56

things mentally strong people don't

0:58

do listen to the audiobook

1:00

Or you had no idea I even

1:02

had a book Stick around because

1:04

we're gonna talk about

1:07

how to stay mentally

1:09

strong in today's fast -paced

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world Hey Kristen, how's it

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State Farm is there. to Mentally Stronger.

2:14

I'm Amy Moran, a psychotherapist, mental

2:16

strength trainer, and an international best

2:18

-selling author of six books on

2:20

mental strength. You're listening to

2:22

the Friday Fix Edition. Every Friday, I

2:24

share a quick mental strength strategy that can

2:26

fix the thoughts, feelings, and actions that can

2:28

hold you back in life. And

2:30

the fun part is, we record the show from

2:32

a sailboat in the Florida Keys. Now,

2:35

let's dive into today's episode. I

2:39

wrote my first book. 13

2:41

things mentally strong people don't

2:43

do. Back in 2014, it

2:45

sold over a million copies. It's

2:48

been translated into more than 45

2:50

languages. And to be honest,

2:52

I kind of lost track around the

2:54

45 mark, but it's been incredible to

2:56

see that people all over the globe

2:58

are interested in building mental strength. If

3:01

you haven't already read it, you can still

3:03

buy it wherever books are sold. And

3:06

if you like audio books, which I know a

3:08

lot of podcast listeners do, you can

3:10

listen to it on Audible as well, or

3:13

Spotify. Spotify now offers

3:15

audiobooks too. And

3:19

it's available in Kindle, hardcover,

3:21

or paperback. Since

3:24

I've written that book though, the

3:26

world has changed a lot. I

3:28

couldn't believe it when I was thinking back

3:30

about how many things have changed in a

3:32

decade. For example, The

3:36

pandemic changed how we work.

3:38

Before the pandemic set in, most

3:41

people weren't working from home. And

3:44

in the past 10 years, there's been

3:46

a huge rise in social media. Facebook

3:49

was a big thing when my book came out,

3:51

and that was pretty much the only social

3:53

media platform other than Twitter. But

3:56

TikTok and Instagram have obviously

3:58

exploded since then and

4:00

Snapchat. The way that

4:02

we consume news has changed too. These

4:05

days, you just have to scroll through your

4:07

phone for a few minutes and you'll

4:09

see tons of things about what's going on in

4:11

the world. Most of us aren't sitting around

4:13

and watching the six o 'clock news anymore. And

4:16

we've also seen social media

4:18

become a place where social

4:21

movements start too. There's

4:24

been a huge change in the way that

4:26

we shop as well. Like malls are

4:28

closed and you can get almost anything delivered

4:30

to your door within a matter of

4:32

a couple days. if not a couple of

4:34

hours. We've

4:36

seen a huge rise in the

4:38

gig economy. Apps like

4:40

Uber and DoorDash, those

4:42

didn't exist 10 years ago.

4:46

A lot of people have changed the way

4:48

that they work. They're not necessarily working

4:50

traditional 40 hour a week jobs. The

4:53

way that we trade money has

4:55

changed too. Things like PayPal and

4:57

Cash App or Venmo weren't a big

4:59

thing 10 years ago. Nobody

5:02

was going to work on a Zoom meeting. And

5:05

we certainly didn't have therapy via

5:07

Zoom. We weren't

5:10

talking much about mental health back

5:12

then. There was still a huge

5:14

stigma around mental health issues and

5:16

the treatment for it. And

5:18

in the last decade, we've seen this huge

5:20

rise in people who are willing to talk

5:23

about mental health issues. And they're

5:25

talking about mental health in the workplace

5:27

and substance use disorders. But

5:30

even though the world looks a lot

5:32

different than it did 10 years ago, those

5:35

principles of mental strength are still

5:37

the same. But

5:39

it's important to be aware

5:41

of how these changes in

5:43

the world tend to affect us and

5:45

how likely we are to give in to

5:47

some of those things that rob us of

5:49

mental strength. Because once we

5:51

get used to things, they become

5:54

normalized really quickly. And

5:56

it's hard to believe that just 10 years

5:58

ago, We didn't have them because we're so used

6:00

to them now. My

6:04

book is about what not to do because

6:06

I'm a firm believer that it just takes

6:08

one or two bad habits to keep us

6:10

stuck. If you know

6:12

my story, it's that I wrote

6:14

this book because I learned through

6:16

my personal journey that if you

6:18

have one unhealthy habit, it makes all

6:20

of your good habits a lot less

6:22

effective. And I was seeing

6:24

all these people in my therapy office who

6:26

were working hard. And they were

6:28

doing all of these things to get better, but

6:31

they had something that was keeping them

6:33

stuck. And it might just be one

6:35

small counterproductive bad habit that was holding

6:38

them back. So

6:40

I thought it would be a good

6:42

idea today to revisit the list of

6:44

the 13 things mentally strong people don't

6:46

do and talk about how perhaps our

6:48

approach to these things should be changing

6:50

now that the world is different. So

6:54

let's explore how these concepts hold up

6:56

in this new era that we're

6:58

living in. The

7:00

first thing on the list that mentally strong

7:03

people don't do is waste time feeling

7:05

sorry for themselves. This

7:08

is all about taking accountability

7:10

for your actions and accepting

7:12

whatever challenges life throws your

7:14

way without indulging in self -pity. In

7:17

today's world, I'm seeing two big reasons

7:20

that this is harder than ever to

7:22

avoid. First, we

7:24

live in a world that's full

7:26

of highlight reels, and influencers are

7:28

always showcasing how perfect their lives

7:30

are, which can cause

7:32

us to feel sorry for ourselves without

7:34

even realizing it. Research

7:36

shows that scrolling through

7:38

social media creates a comparison culture

7:40

that makes self -pity more tempting than

7:42

ever. But

7:45

second, most of us are

7:47

spending a lot of time looking at our electronics,

7:49

which means we're taking less time to get out

7:51

there and do things. One

7:54

of the best things you can do to ward

7:56

off self -pity is to take action. You

7:58

have to get up off the couch and go do

8:00

something and put some good into the world. There

8:05

are some problems that you just can't solve, but

8:07

you can always choose to make the world a

8:09

little bit better. Okay,

8:11

the second thing that mentally strong people don't

8:13

do is that they don't give away their

8:15

power. This is all

8:17

about deciding that you're in charge

8:19

of how you think. how you

8:22

feel and how you behave so

8:24

that nobody can make you

8:26

feel bad about yourself or

8:28

nobody can waste your time. It's all up

8:30

to you. But

8:32

when I wrote the book, I

8:34

was speaking mostly about face -to -face

8:36

communication and conversations, but

8:39

now we also have to manage how we

8:41

feel about ourselves in this digital landscape

8:43

that we live in. It

8:45

might be an online argument that causes

8:47

you to give away your power

8:49

or Responding

8:51

to all of those notifications all the time, that

8:54

can rob you of your inner peace too. And

8:57

there's pressure when we're posting on apps

8:59

to try and get as many likes

9:01

or to try to feel like we're

9:03

finally worthy by getting more followers. So

9:07

in today's world, it's more important

9:09

than ever to protect your energy

9:11

by setting digital boundaries too. That

9:14

might mean muting your

9:16

notifications, taking breaks from

9:18

social media. or

9:20

walking away from an online argument rather

9:22

than getting into a discussion with

9:24

a complete stranger. Because

9:27

taking back your power

9:29

is all about deciding that you're

9:31

going to regain control over your

9:33

attention and you're going to be

9:35

intentional about how you spend your time and who you

9:37

spend it with. The

9:40

third thing that mentally strong people don't do

9:42

is that they don't shy away from

9:44

change. Now, when I

9:46

wrote the book, I was thinking mostly

9:48

about change on an individual level. Do

9:50

dare move to a new city or take on

9:52

a new job. But

9:55

the pandemic didn't just change our lives

9:57

on an individual level. It created

9:59

massive change, whether it was

10:02

you started working from

10:04

home or you couldn't leave your

10:06

house. But hopefully

10:08

it reminded us that we're more adaptable

10:10

than we give ourselves credit for. And

10:13

hopefully this decade has taught us that

10:15

we're stronger than we thought. Now,

10:18

I also know that all of

10:20

this massive change has caused some

10:23

people to adopt an attitude that

10:25

says, ugh, it's always something. Or

10:28

now they find themselves thinking, what

10:30

else could possibly go wrong? But

10:33

that's life. Life is gonna be full

10:35

of ups and downs, sometimes on

10:37

a personal level, but as we've learned,

10:39

sometimes it's also on a global scale. So

10:42

now more than ever, it's important to remind

10:44

yourself that change is going to be constant,

10:46

but it's up to you how you respond. The

10:51

fourth thing that mentally strong people don't

10:54

do is that they don't waste energy

10:56

on things they can't control. Certainly

10:59

in the last decade, the world

11:01

has felt increasingly out of control. You

11:04

only have to watch the news for

11:06

10 minutes to hear how horrible

11:08

everything is. And it's easy

11:10

to start to funnel your

11:12

energy into worrying about these giant

11:14

challenges and the effect that it's having on the

11:16

state of the world. That's

11:19

why right now it's more important than

11:21

ever to focus your energy on

11:23

what you can influence. That

11:26

could mean anything from volunteering in

11:28

your local community, to

11:30

showing kindness to people, or

11:33

just maintaining a calm, peaceful

11:35

home. But make sure

11:37

that you recognize that controlling

11:39

your reactions is one of

11:41

your greatest superpowers. Which

11:44

brings us to number five. Mentally

11:46

strong people don't worry about

11:48

pleasing everyone. With

11:51

social media amplifying so

11:53

many of people's

11:55

opinions, the pressure to

11:58

be liked is definitely magnified.

12:01

We live in this culture where

12:03

everybody's chasing likes and trying to

12:05

get as many followers as possible

12:07

because somehow they feel like it's

12:09

validating that they're well liked.

12:11

We weren't dealing with that 10 years ago,

12:14

not to this scale anyway. So

12:16

it's important to always ask yourself, am

12:19

I doing this thing because it

12:21

aligns with my values or am

12:23

I doing this because I'm seeking approval? You

12:26

have to be intentional about reconnecting

12:29

with your internal compass, because

12:31

it's important to stay true to yourself and

12:33

you don't have to crowdsource your self -worth

12:35

from other people. Now,

12:38

we're living in this era of transformation. Smartphones

12:41

have certainly made life faster, but

12:44

they've also introduced a ton of

12:46

new distractions. There

12:49

are all these apps and algorithms that

12:51

will compete for your attention. And

12:54

remote work has certainly blurred the

12:56

boundary between our personal lives

12:58

and our professional lives. So

13:00

that's why it's so important to

13:02

understand these changes and how to

13:04

stay mentally strong and grounded as

13:06

they continue to unfold. So

13:10

moving forward, the number

13:12

six thing that mentally strong people

13:14

don't do is they don't fear

13:16

taking calculated risks. Risk

13:20

is all about stepping into the

13:22

unknown. Whether that means you're launching

13:24

a business or you're pivoting careers

13:26

right now because the economy has

13:28

shifted, calculated risk

13:30

remains one of the core

13:33

ingredients of building mental

13:35

strength. But

13:37

again, back to social media. Social

13:39

media tends to only highlight

13:41

people's success, and it

13:43

makes the process of risk taking

13:45

seem scarier in some ways. It

13:48

also makes us tend to take risks that are

13:50

less likely to pay off because we think,

13:52

well, this is what worked for this person. And

13:56

social media really affects what we see

13:58

as risky. If you think back

14:00

to your childhood, now I'm a

14:02

child of the 90s. And

14:05

when I grew up, my parents told me

14:07

never get in a car with a stranger,

14:09

but now I use Uber without thinking twice.

14:12

Or when I was young, We

14:15

didn't think twice about leaving the house

14:17

without a phone because cell phones weren't

14:19

invented yet. But now

14:21

if you step into the other room without your

14:23

phone, it can feel like an emergency. Those

14:28

are just a couple of examples

14:30

of how our view of risk

14:32

has shifted over time. And

14:35

of course, our smartphones are filled with

14:37

doom and gloom. If you just spend

14:39

a couple of minutes scrolling, you'll

14:41

start to believe that you're going to contract

14:43

a rare disease. Or you'll start

14:45

to think that crime is way more

14:47

common than it actually is, because

14:50

media share stories that are meant

14:52

to sound scary. That's

14:54

how they get the clicks. They are

14:56

trying to attract you to click on

14:58

their headlines. So

15:01

right now, it's more important than ever

15:03

to get better at assessing risk. And

15:06

to remember that your level of fear

15:08

doesn't equal the actual level of

15:10

risk that you face. You

15:12

have to work harder to introduce

15:14

logic into the equation. Okay,

15:18

let's pause for a minute to get a word from today's

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we're back. The number

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seven thing that mentallystrong people don't do is

17:54

that they don't dwell on the past. Technology

17:58

has certainly given us constant

18:00

reminders of where we were. If

18:02

you have, say, time hop

18:04

on your phone, it will automatically

18:06

bring up photos from five

18:08

years ago unexpectedly. Sometimes

18:12

I find this tough. I have a

18:14

cat that passed away a few years ago

18:16

and a dog that passed away and

18:18

suddenly their photos are popping up in my

18:20

phone throughout the day. And while

18:22

I'm happy that I had them as my pets,

18:24

it's jarring to have those things pop up all

18:26

of a sudden. But

18:28

I think overall dwelling on the

18:30

past has become easier than ever because

18:32

we've captured so much of our

18:35

lives on social media or we have

18:37

so many images on our phones

18:39

these days. So

18:41

it's important to make sure that

18:43

we use those prompts as

18:45

an opportunity for growth instead of

18:47

allowing ourselves to start to

18:49

experience a lot of regret. So

18:52

when you experience a memory, you might

18:54

ask yourself, what did I learn from this?

18:57

How did I ruin my life or how my

18:59

things have been different? But

19:01

instead focus on the present and what you

19:04

can build in the future. And

19:08

number eight, they don't make

19:10

the same mistakes over and

19:12

over. Of course, mistakes

19:14

are always going to be an issue.

19:16

As humans, we're likely to get stuck

19:18

in patterns and we repeat behavior. Even

19:21

when we know something isn't good for

19:23

us or even when we say we want

19:25

to change, It doesn't really

19:27

happen overnight. But

19:29

the good news is we now

19:31

have so many tools that can

19:33

help us stop repeating our mistakes. There

19:36

are habit trackers. You can

19:38

get apps that will help

19:40

you with self -reflection and

19:42

journaling. And of course, there's

19:45

online therapy that allows you to

19:47

access therapy like never before. So

19:49

use technology to track your

19:51

behavior and then you can

19:54

identify the mistakes that are

19:56

keeping you stuck a lot

19:58

easier and That makes it

20:00

easier to create positive change

20:02

The number nine thing that

20:04

mentally strong people don't do

20:06

is they don't resent other

20:08

people's success Back to social

20:10

media social media has intensified

20:12

comparison culture because we're seeing

20:14

other people succeed all the

20:16

time which Can trigger

20:19

feelings of inadequacy you start to think

20:21

I don't measure up But one

20:23

of the cool things about social media

20:25

is we can use it to

20:27

our advantage You can publicly celebrate other

20:29

people's success like you can post

20:32

on social media about how you're proud

20:34

of your friend for launching a

20:36

new business or You can share that

20:38

you love your friends new product

20:40

So I'm not against social media. I'm

20:42

not against technology. I think we

20:44

just need to use it wisely And

20:47

one way to do that is

20:49

to celebrate other people while still focusing

20:51

on your own growth. And

20:55

the number 10 thing mentally strong people

20:57

don't do, they don't give up

20:59

after the first failure. Now,

21:02

we know failure is an incredible teacher

21:04

that hasn't changed in 10 years. And

21:07

that when we reflect on our setbacks,

21:09

we can figure out how to be smarter

21:11

the next time around. And

21:13

so one good thing about the

21:15

digital world is that you can

21:17

find more information about people's failures.

21:21

The reason I say that's good news is

21:23

the research says that we do better when

21:25

we know that successful people have failed along

21:27

the way. So if you

21:29

have a favorite business person or

21:31

an entrepreneur that you look up

21:34

to or there's a successful influencer,

21:36

podcaster or author, look up information

21:38

about the times when they didn't

21:40

succeed and that can actually. Help

21:42

you to succeed. There's research behind

21:44

this that when students learn about

21:47

successful people, their grades go

21:49

down. But when they learn about how

21:51

those successful people failed, that a lot of

21:53

their inventions didn't work, or a lot

21:55

of the things they tried failed the first

21:57

few times, they tend to do better. Now,

22:01

the last few principles highlight

22:03

how essential things like alone

22:05

time, gratitude, and patience are

22:07

in today's world. The

22:10

11th thing that mentally strong people

22:12

don't do is they don't fear alone

22:15

time. This one

22:17

has become more complicated than ever.

22:20

The rise in podcasts, social

22:22

media and constant connection mean that

22:24

we don't really ever have to

22:26

be alone with our thoughts. People

22:28

are listening to bedtime stories on

22:30

podcasts before they go to sleep.

22:33

So you really have to be intentional about

22:35

carving out time to be alone. And

22:38

whether that means that you write in a

22:40

journal, or you go for a walk without your

22:42

phone for 10 minutes, just taking

22:44

a break from all of the

22:46

noise and then notifications and the apps

22:48

is essential for giving you some

22:50

clarity about your life, but also for

22:52

helping you develop inner peace. And

22:56

number 12 is that they don't

22:58

feel the world owes them anything. We

23:01

live in a world where things are

23:04

so convenient. We love to get things

23:06

delivered in two hours. We

23:08

want things to happen fast. And

23:10

sometimes we think if we work hard enough,

23:12

then we deserve success. And

23:14

that's why patients can feel harder than

23:16

ever. For

23:18

this one, gratitude is still one of

23:20

the most powerful things you can do to

23:23

stop that feeling of entitlement. Just setting aside

23:25

a few minutes a day to recognize what

23:27

you're grateful for can make sure that you

23:29

aren't thinking about all the things that you

23:31

deserve. Instead, you acknowledge,

23:33

I have everything that I need. Which

23:37

brings us to number 13. mentally

23:39

strong people don't expect

23:41

immediate results. Now,

23:44

today's world is all

23:46

about instant gratification. I

23:48

think that's only gotten worse

23:50

in the past decade. Whether

23:52

we're talking about instant delivery

23:54

of something or we're talking about

23:56

viral success, we've been

23:58

conditioned to expect immediate

24:01

rewards. I see this

24:03

in my therapy office more and

24:05

more that people say, therapy is not

24:07

working. My medication isn't

24:09

helping, or these behavior changes aren't

24:11

leading to the results that I want.

24:14

But they're expecting to see those results

24:16

within a week or two. That's

24:20

why in today's world, it's so

24:22

important to focus on our hard work

24:24

and to not expect shortcuts. So

24:28

those are the 13 things mentally strong

24:30

people don't do in today's world. And

24:32

I know I shared a ton of

24:34

information, but... want to summarize a few

24:36

key takeaways I think that are important

24:38

for giving up the habits that will

24:40

rob you of mental strength today. If

24:43

I had to summarize it in three points, this

24:45

is what I'd say. Number one, set

24:47

boundaries for your technology use.

24:49

We know that smartphones and social

24:51

media are amazing tools for

24:53

building mental strength, but you

24:55

have to be in control of them and don't let

24:57

them control you. Number

25:00

two is to create goals for

25:02

yourself. Lean into growth

25:04

by taking small calculated risks and

25:06

use tools that can help you

25:08

learn from your experiences. Whether we're

25:10

talking about habit trackers or some

25:13

sort of a calendar on your

25:15

phone, you can use your phone

25:17

in a way that helps you

25:19

crush your goals more than ever

25:21

before. And number

25:23

three, be intentional about your time

25:26

and your attention. Whether

25:28

it's building a new skill, you're

25:30

trying to navigate remote challenges, or

25:33

you're just waiting for change. Trust

25:35

the process. Be aware of where your

25:37

time and attention is going because those are

25:39

the most valuable things you have in

25:41

life. I

25:43

hope that today's episode gave you

25:46

a fresh perspective on how to build

25:48

mental muscle in today's fast -paced world.

25:50

Remember that the things that we

25:52

need to avoid are the same,

25:55

but our awareness and the strategies

25:57

that we need to change need

25:59

to change right alongside the changes

26:01

in the world. Thanks

26:03

for hanging out with me today and

26:05

for listening to Mentally Stronger. If you know

26:07

someone who could benefit from this episode,

26:09

please share a link with them. Just sharing

26:11

a link to this episode could help

26:13

someone feel better and grow stronger. And

26:16

if you like this show, don't forget to

26:18

subscribe, rate us, or give us

26:20

a review. It helps us reach more listeners

26:22

so I can keep giving out credible mental

26:24

health information free of charge. And

26:26

if you want even more tips

26:28

and strategies for growing Mentally Stronger, subscribe

26:30

to Mentally Stronger Premium. You

26:32

get exclusive bonus episodes where I

26:34

answer your questions on mental strength, and

26:37

you get monthly extras, like

26:39

access to 30 -day mental strength

26:41

challenges, mental strength cheat sheets,

26:43

and office hours with me. To

26:46

sign up, just click on the link in the show notes.

26:49

And as always, a big thank you

26:51

to my show's producer, who I actually

26:53

met when he was hired to be

26:55

the audio engineer for my third book,

26:57

13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don't Do,

26:59

Nick Valentine. Your

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