0:00

On today's episode of mentally

0:02

stronger, sometimes

0:04

people come to therapy because they need

0:06

help developing a solution to a

0:08

specific problem. And often they

0:11

expect that the solutions they're going to

0:13

need are going to be complicated

0:15

or that it's going to take more skill

0:17

or resources than they have to solve the

0:19

problem. But what if

0:21

I told you that you might already

0:23

have the very best solution to your

0:25

problem? You might not recognize it yet,

0:27

but that's what we're going to talk about today. There's

0:30

actually a type of therapy

0:33

called solution focus therapy The entire

0:35

premise is based on the idea

0:37

that a therapist can help you

0:39

uncover the very best solution to

0:41

your problem Simply by looking at

0:43

how you've solved problems in

0:45

the past Because the truth is

0:47

you're probably stronger than you think

0:49

and you're better at solving problems

0:52

than you give yourself credit

0:54

for But when we're in the middle of

0:56

dealing with a tough situation or When

0:58

we've had a problem that's been hanging around

1:00

for a long time, our emotions

1:02

cloud our judgment, and it's hard to see

1:04

our way through the issue. We

1:06

start to feel ineffective, and we

1:08

think that nothing is going to work, and we

1:10

feel stuck. So today

1:12

I'm going to teach you the

1:14

trick that solution -focused therapists use to

1:17

help people reveal the superpowers they have

1:19

already, and the secret to

1:21

solving whatever problem is getting in the way.

1:23

By the end of the episode, you'll have

1:25

a concrete strategy that can work for solving

1:27

any problem, and I can't wait to show

1:29

you how to do it. Location

1:34

the lab. Quinton only has

1:37

24 hours to sell his

1:39

car. Is that even possible?

1:41

He goes to carvana.com. What

1:44

is this? A movie trailer? He

1:46

ignores the doubters, enters his

1:48

license plate. Wow, that's a

1:50

great offer. The car is

1:52

sold, but will Carvana pick

1:55

it up in time for? They'll

1:57

literally pick it up

1:59

tomorrow morning. Done with the

2:01

dram. Don't with the dramatics.

2:04

This episode is brought to you by State

2:06

Farm. You might say all kinds of stuff

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when things go wrong, but these are the

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words you really need to remember. Like a

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good neighbor, State Farm is there. They've got

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and even reach a real person when you

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need to talk to someone. Like a good

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neighbor, State Farm is there. Welcome

2:35

to mentally stronger. I'm Amy Moran,

2:37

psychotherapist, mental strength trainer, and

2:39

an international bestselling author of six

2:41

books on mental strength. You're

2:43

listening to the Friday Fix Edition. Every

2:45

Friday, I share a quick mental strength strategy

2:48

that can fix the thoughts, feelings, and

2:50

actions that can hold you back in life.

2:53

And the fun part is, we record the show from

2:55

a sailboat in the Florida Keys. Now,

2:57

let's dive into today's episode. Okay,

3:01

today we're gonna talk about something that so

3:03

many of us don't give ourselves enough credit

3:05

for. The progress and the

3:08

strength that we already have. And

3:11

if you've ever felt stuck or doubted

3:13

whether you're moving in the right

3:15

direction, I have really good news

3:17

for you. Your strength

3:19

is already showing. You

3:22

just might not notice it yet. It

3:24

happens so slowly over the course

3:26

of days that sometimes we

3:29

don't realize how much progress we've

3:31

already made. So

3:33

I want to show you how to uncover proof

3:35

of your progress, even if it

3:37

feels invisible right now. Let's

3:42

start with a bit of background. One

3:44

of the ideas behind

3:46

solution -focused therapy is that we

3:48

don't always need to focus on

3:50

fixing what's broken. Instead,

3:53

we can focus on what's worked in the past.

3:55

We look for an exception to the rule. Sometimes

3:59

we ask a powerful question like,

4:02

when has the problem not been

4:04

a problem? I'll explain more

4:06

about that in a minute, but the

4:08

idea is this. There are

4:10

exceptions to every challenge, and

4:12

there are moments where things are better,

4:14

easier, or more manageable if you

4:16

look for them. And

4:19

then when you do take time to identify

4:21

those moments, you can figure

4:23

out what you were doing differently and

4:25

how to apply those same strategies to

4:27

keep building more progress. Too

4:31

often our brains get stuck on negativity. This

4:34

is what's known as a negativity bias. It's

4:37

the tendency for our brain to focus

4:39

more on problems than on positives because

4:41

our brains are trying to keep us

4:43

safe. And research

4:45

shows that it takes three

4:48

positive experiences to balance out

4:50

just one negative experience in our

4:52

minds. But

4:54

when we take the time to intentionally

4:56

reflect on what's going right, we

4:58

can rewire our thinking patterns towards

5:00

strength and resilience. So

5:04

when somebody comes into my therapy office, they often

5:06

want to talk about the problem, and they

5:08

want to tell me how many times it's happened

5:10

in the past week, why

5:12

they're feeling so stuck. or

5:15

why they need more of something before

5:17

they can solve the problem. But

5:20

when I ask them a question like, what's

5:22

a time when this wasn't a problem? People

5:25

actually give me the solution, which

5:28

is great because I don't always know what's

5:30

gonna work for you, but you do

5:32

if you look for it. So

5:34

for example, if I'm working with a

5:36

couple who says, all

5:38

we do is argue about money all the

5:40

time, I'll ask

5:43

them, when was a

5:45

time when you were able to discuss

5:47

money without fighting? And

5:49

then they'll give me a really concrete

5:52

example. They might say something like,

5:54

well, around the holidays,

5:56

we actually fought less. So

5:58

then I'll say, well, what was different during the holidays? And

6:02

they might say something like, well, we sat down and

6:04

we planned how much we were going to spend

6:06

on gifts that month because we knew money was going

6:08

to be tighter than usual. And

6:11

with that one sentence, We

6:13

know that sitting down and setting

6:15

a budget prevents fighting about money. Suddenly

6:19

they have the solution and they've already figured

6:21

it out for themselves. They

6:23

just didn't recognize it and they didn't know

6:25

how to apply it to future situations. In

6:29

fact, last week I was just talking

6:31

to a parent in my coaching

6:33

practice. And it's a mom

6:35

who said, I'm always anxious and I

6:37

always feel stressed out. And

6:39

because of that, I keep yelling at my six -year -old,

6:42

and then I feel bad that I raised my

6:44

voice. So I asked

6:46

her, when was the time

6:48

when you felt less stressed and you

6:50

had more patience with your daughter? She

6:53

told me the story. She said, last week,

6:55

my six -year -old was refusing to eat

6:57

what I served for dinner. But

7:00

instead of yelling, for once, I

7:02

stayed calm. So I

7:04

said, well, how did you do that? She said,

7:06

well, I just told her if she didn't

7:08

eat, what I served her for dinner. She

7:10

wasn't going to have any snacks later. And I did

7:12

it without yelling. So I asked

7:14

her, well, how did you do that without yelling? She

7:17

said, I think it was because on my commute home, I

7:20

went into it knowing she was probably going to try

7:22

to break some of the rules or say no to

7:24

things I told her to do. So

7:26

I decided I was going to be calm tonight. And

7:28

then I was ready for it when it happened. I

7:31

expected her to break some of the rules.

7:33

So when she did, I just

7:35

took a deep breath and said, This

7:37

is my opportunity to stay calm. Boom,

7:41

right there, we had her exception. And

7:43

that's proof that she

7:45

had a solution and she had a

7:47

strategy that worked well for her. So

7:50

we talked about how to make that

7:52

transfer over to the future. Could

7:55

she do this every day on her

7:57

commute home, be more proactive? Can

7:59

she take a deep breath? Can she expect

8:01

that, yes, six -year -olds are going to test

8:03

the limits and break the rules? And when they

8:06

do, remind herself that it

8:08

was her opportunity to stay calm. That's

8:12

really what it took was just identifying

8:15

what she'd done right and then develop

8:17

a strategy for replicating that moving

8:19

forward. And the

8:21

change didn't come from necessarily

8:23

fixing her stress. It was about

8:25

identifying what worked then and

8:27

how she could do more of

8:29

it. Now,

8:32

I want you to take a minute right now to think about

8:34

your own life. What is a problem

8:36

that you're struggling with right now? Make

8:39

it specific. Whether you procrastinate

8:41

and you don't get things done, you're

8:45

struggling to get along with someone,

8:47

or you have a goal, but then

8:49

you lack motivation to work on your goal. Well,

8:52

you're thinking about that one problem that we're

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gonna solve. We're gonna take a break

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to get a word from today's sponsor. But

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mentallystronger. Okay,

11:27

we're back. Now that

11:30

you hopefully have a specific

11:32

problem in mind, ask yourself

11:34

this question. When

11:36

has this problem not been

11:38

a problem? What's

11:40

a time when this wasn't true? Like

11:44

maybe you've been feeling stuck

11:46

at work, but you can remember

11:48

that time last month when

11:50

everything clicked and your day was

11:52

a lot better. What

11:54

was better out that day? Were you

11:56

more organized? Did you collaborate

11:59

with a coworker? Were you just in

12:01

a better mood? Or

12:03

maybe your problem is that you've been

12:05

struggling with confidence. Maybe it's

12:07

something you've struggled with your entire life. Well,

12:10

now think back to a day when you

12:12

did feel confident. if you

12:14

can identify what was different about that day. It

12:17

might be anything from you got more sleep

12:19

the night before. Or

12:21

maybe you had spent time with your friends the

12:23

day before, the kind of friends that really build

12:25

you up and make you feel good. But

12:28

whatever it was, if you can think

12:30

back to that time and identify what

12:32

helped you feel better, then you'll know

12:34

how to replicate that in the future.

12:38

Here's another tip. When

12:40

you're looking for those exceptions, start

12:43

with one small question. Ask

12:45

yourself this. What's working well

12:47

right now? Maybe

12:49

it's just the fact that you showed

12:51

up and you're listening to this podcast

12:53

right now. That's proof that you care

12:56

about your growth. Or

12:58

maybe it's that even on your

13:00

toughest days, you still get out of

13:02

bed and face the day. That's

13:05

strength too. I

13:07

know it doesn't feel flashy because you're not

13:09

building a billion dollar business like people on

13:11

Instagram will tell you that they're doing, but

13:13

it's still powerful that you took a stab. I

13:17

was working with another coaching client last

13:19

week and he's a teacher. And

13:21

he said, you know, I'm

13:23

starting to question whether I should

13:25

keep teaching. But

13:27

it was a job that he loved. But

13:30

he said, you know, lately, I'm just

13:32

not connecting with my students. And I'm starting

13:34

to think I just can't relate to

13:36

young people anymore. We

13:39

could have veered off into a

13:41

lengthy discussion about how today's teens are

13:43

just so connected to social media

13:45

that they can't possibly connect with a

13:47

human in front of them. Or

13:50

we could have talked about the differences

13:52

in generations and how kids have changed.

13:55

But instead, I just

13:57

asked him, what's a

13:59

time when you feel like you were

14:01

really connecting to a student? He

14:04

thought for a few minutes and he

14:06

said, well, you know, last month one

14:08

of my students said that my class

14:10

was his favorite class. And

14:12

I loved hearing that because this is

14:14

a student that doesn't particularly love school

14:16

and he doesn't necessarily do that well

14:18

in school, but I've been giving him

14:20

some extra help lately. By

14:24

zooming in on that one exception,

14:26

that one student who said, hey,

14:28

I like your class, that

14:30

help this teacher realize that maybe he's

14:33

not as disconnected from his students as

14:35

he thinks that he is. In

14:37

fact, he was still making an impact, but he

14:39

had to pay attention. He had to

14:41

look for those moments where it was happening. And

14:44

so from there, we talked more

14:46

about how to build more meaningful connections

14:48

with one student at a time,

14:51

instead of trying to tackle everything all

14:53

at once. So

14:55

now it's your turn. I'm going

14:57

to end with just a really simple

14:59

exercise that will help you spot the

15:01

strength that I guarantee you're already showing.

15:05

Number one, just take a few minutes

15:07

to reflect on an area of

15:09

your life where things feel challenging. Then

15:12

grab a piece of paper if

15:14

you can and ask yourself, when

15:17

has the problem not been a

15:19

problem? What was an exception to the

15:21

rule? When was a day that

15:23

I did really well? Write down

15:25

anything that comes to mind, no matter how

15:27

small or how long it's been. I

15:29

don't care if it was 10 years ago

15:31

since the last time you felt like

15:33

you had a lot of confidence or it's

15:35

been three months since you actually went

15:37

to the gym. Whatever it was,

15:39

write it down. Number

15:41

two, ask yourself, what

15:44

was different in that moment? Maybe

15:47

you handled something with

15:49

a calm attitude. Maybe

15:52

you pushed yourself when you didn't want

15:54

to, but you talked yourself into doing

15:56

something difficult. Or maybe

15:58

you just tried something new knowing that

16:00

it wouldn't be easy. Write

16:03

that down too. And

16:05

then finally, look for ways to do

16:07

more of what worked. If

16:10

staying calm worked, practice staying

16:12

calm in future situations. If

16:15

it was asking for help that made the

16:17

difference, figure out how you can get more

16:19

help in the future. Because I

16:21

guarantee the answers are already within

16:23

you. I know it sounds cheesy, but

16:25

it's just a matter of recognizing

16:27

what you've done before to find your

16:30

own solutions. Again, as

16:32

a therapist, I don't always know what's

16:34

going to work for you, but

16:36

you do. So I could

16:38

tell you 101 things you could try this

16:40

week to make your life better, but

16:42

you're going to be better off just looking

16:44

back over a time when there was

16:46

an exception to the rule and then replicating

16:48

that. Because your strength

16:51

is already showing. Every time

16:53

you overcome something hard, every

16:55

time you try again, and every

16:57

time you pinpoint that one

16:59

little piece of success, you

17:01

prove how mentally strong you

17:03

are and that you have pretty

17:05

powerful solutions. So don't

17:07

expect yourself to be perfect moving forward. It's

17:10

about progress. Thanks

17:12

for hanging out with me today and

17:14

for listening to Mentally Stronger. If you

17:16

know somebody who could benefit from recognizing

17:19

their strengths, share the show with them.

17:21

Just sending a link to someone could

17:23

help them feel better and grow stronger.

17:26

And if you like the show, don't forget to

17:28

subscribe, rate, and leave us a review.

17:31

Helps us reach more listeners so I

17:33

can keep handing out credible mental

17:35

health information free of charge for everyone.

17:38

And if you want even more tips

17:40

and strategies for growing mentally stronger,

17:42

subscribe to mentally stronger premium. You

17:44

get exclusive bonus episodes where I

17:46

answer your questions on mental strength

17:48

every single week. And

17:50

you get monthly extras, like access

17:52

to 30 -day challenges, mental

17:54

strength sheet sheets, and office

17:56

hours where you can meet with me one -on

17:59

-one. sign up, just click on the

18:01

link in the show notes. And

18:03

as always, a big thank you

18:05

to my show's producer, who's

18:07

currently reading Out Live by

18:09

Dr. Peter Audia, Nick Valentine.