0:01

lovely lovely lovely

0:03

boys doing

0:06

a podcast He's

0:09

just had a coffee. He's cracking a

0:11

Coke Zero. I'm cracking out about two coffees.

0:13

Are you the McDonald's? He doesn't give

0:15

a fuck. Are you the McDonald's coffee boy?

0:17

Do you have anything else with your

0:19

McDonald's coffee? No, fuck that. No way brother.

0:21

Is every episode recently you come in

0:23

and go, oh I've got so I need

0:25

to go to a doctor or something,

0:27

something external to me is causing my stomach

0:29

issues and every single time I ask you

0:31

what you've eaten that day and you

0:33

might as well have drunk a bottle of

0:35

hydrochloric acid. Do you know what, and

0:38

this is the thing, I have a thing

0:40

where it's like I must eat before

0:42

the podcast or I will I'll become weak

0:44

and my thoughts will become weak. And

0:46

it is one of the only days I

0:48

eat in the morning is when we're

0:50

podcasting because I just think you need it.

0:52

You just I just start to fucking

0:54

start to fucking zone out and go far

0:57

away into tears. And I believe this

0:59

is us at peak in peak

1:01

condition as in

1:03

like. Oh, yeah, this

1:05

does fire not all cylinders after fucking

1:07

I had a beautiful breakfast today.

1:09

What's your brother scrambled eggs barford bronze

1:11

eggs though? Oh my goodness. I

1:13

don't even know what that is brother

1:15

an eggs an egg to me

1:17

No, no, no, no Barford bronze a

1:20

different story. Why what's never seen

1:22

a more golden? Yes, the chocolate a

1:24

deep orange yolk ah It's beautiful

1:26

right, but the orange or the the

1:28

the oak so right a deep

1:30

okay a kind of real It taught

1:32

it, you fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

1:34

yoke was marching across the pan. It

1:36

was doing all sorts of things. Right.

1:39

It only kept in the top right -hand corner

1:41

of the pan the whole time. It was doing

1:43

the whole thing. Right. was very big, but it

1:45

kept marching and singing offensive songs past Catholic churches.

1:47

It was doing the whole thing. Nice. Egg paisley.

1:49

The eggs don't believe in gay marriage. Right.

1:51

The eggs think the earth is 4 ,000 years

1:53

old. Sick. It's a whole thing. And...

1:56

I will not be part of

1:58

an omelet! I refuse! We

2:01

are a separate egg to the other

2:03

egg. There is no mushrooms alive. Is

2:05

it that the yolk is is like

2:07

Protestantism and then the the white is

2:09

like, you know what I mean? If

2:11

the yolks. Oh my god. Every yes.

2:13

I knocked a coke. I'm sorry. I spilt

2:15

it on the thing and now it's real. It's

2:17

a nice thing. Yeah. Well, whatever, you'll buy

2:19

another nice thing. You're a millionaire. And first of

2:21

all, no, I'm not. I've spent all my

2:23

money trying to go to America and failing. But

2:26

also my sorry. I'm sorry. You've no respect

2:28

for other people's. That's not the truth. I

2:30

think that is a little bit. I think

2:32

it's a little bit the truth, but I

2:34

think last time we're you were here you

2:37

passed on the floor I pissed

2:39

on the floor. There was wet

2:41

on the floor in the bathroom. Oh,

2:43

in the bathroom? Yeah. I don't think

2:45

so. I think that's rude. Stop flicking

2:47

it at me. That's not the solution. I'm

2:50

trying to fix the problem. It's taking everything I

2:52

have in my brain. I'm going to get some

2:54

kitchen roll. You get some kitchen roll. What I

2:56

want to say here is this. I think who

2:58

you're really upset with is yourself. Because

3:00

you know you should have had

3:02

that on a coaster. You know you

3:04

shouldn't have. No, you

3:06

know you shouldn't have a full

3:08

cup of coke just sitting on

3:10

top of this Dude

3:13

as if it's on purpose. I mean that's

3:15

a ridiculous thing to say and you

3:17

know that's ridiculous Well, you be more careful

3:19

than putting your coke down beside a

3:21

wild Mike you you know that that's you

3:23

being uncareful No, no, no,

3:25

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

3:27

no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

3:29

no, no, no, no, no, no,

3:31

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

3:34

no, no, no, no, ridiculous,

3:43

Mike. This is ridiculous. But if you look

3:45

at the cop right now, that's still a

3:47

really... The coke is scantily clad. Don't

3:50

you dare insult that cop. No, look at

3:52

this. Listen to me Look at that now. That's

3:54

a really full cop. Imagine how full it

3:56

was before the spillage. It was too full. You

3:58

can admit it was too full. It was

4:00

dangerously full. You're a victim blaming the

4:02

Coke. I'm not victim blaming the Coke.

4:04

It wasn't wearing enough clothes. This is

4:06

crazy. I'm just saying, if

4:08

you're honest with yourself, that's a

4:11

claim I'm gonna have to deny. But

4:13

on some level, I'll have to say no

4:15

to that. But on

4:17

some level, you know

4:20

that... made

4:22

a mistake. made a back up with my

4:24

hands. Is that one of the pottery

4:26

cups? Oh, yeah. And it's been

4:28

kind of proved to be defective. kill

4:30

you. I'll kill you. Don't

4:32

you dare. Defective!

4:35

Defective! Brother. Cups aren't supposed

4:38

to be kicked, Mike. You're not supposed

4:40

to kick cups. It collapsed under the first

4:42

sign of pressure. kicking cups. I didn't

4:44

kick the cup. accidentally

4:46

kick the leg the chair, which the leg of the

4:48

chair is directly in front of my fucking leg, the

4:50

leg of the table, is right in front of me.

4:52

a lot of things that are directly in front of

4:54

me and I'm not kicking them. No, no, brother. It's

4:56

in kicking distance. I'm a big clumsy

4:58

man. You're aware of that. Now you can come

5:00

in here and say, oh, I can't believe

5:02

Mike was clumsy, but that's been disingenuous. You can

5:04

believe Mike was clumsy. And that was likely

5:06

to happen. You shouldn't have had it as full

5:08

as you had it. Are you apologize

5:10

for my part? It's a small mug that I

5:12

made with my blood, sweat and tears. Listen. I

5:14

filled it quite a bit to carry me through

5:16

the podcast. I hear you. I hear

5:19

you. And I'm saying, well done on the mug.

5:21

Well done on creating something. Has it

5:23

proved to be a good mug? No, it's

5:25

proved to be an unstarted. What mean? I'm only

5:27

a bad mug would have survived that. It's

5:29

a piss poor mug. Only a bad mug would

5:31

have survived that. Listen. You

5:33

would need to have a mug with all

5:35

sorts of mad, like it would

5:37

be too enclosed to survive an

5:39

assault from a rapist. Why

5:42

are you saying rapist again? That's twice

5:44

you've said it and it's quite a

5:46

triggering word and I don't think we

5:48

need to start the podcast off this

5:50

way. All right, we are going to

5:52

start talking about adolescence. I don't think

5:54

we need to bring this language in

5:56

before we talk about a program which

5:58

touches on sensitive subjects. So less of...

6:00

same rape, please. In

6:03

regards to me spilling the coke

6:05

onto your little stupid tea cosy thing.

6:07

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? There's

6:09

a placemat. Well, well... but

6:11

listen. And it adds a bit of softness, a

6:13

bit of warmth, a bit of hooga. Is that

6:15

not what it's there for then? Do you know

6:18

what hooga is? No, I don't and I don't

6:20

want to know what hooga is. I'd love to

6:22

live my life in perpetual ignorance of the word

6:24

hooga. Because I know it's some

6:26

stupid middle -class bullshit word that

6:28

shouldn't be invented for working men

6:30

of the people like me. Do

6:33

you want to try and spell Huga?

6:35

H -U -G -G -A. There's no way.

6:37

That's Huga. That's Huga.

6:39

Right. Huga. H -U -E -G

6:41

-A. No. H -U...

6:43

You're right on the first letter, on

6:45

the first letter only. Oh.

6:48

H -O -O -G -A. No. Oh, well

6:50

just tell me what it is.

6:52

H -Y -G -G -E. H -Y -G -G

6:54

-E. Right, well then that's really stupid and I

6:56

could have never got it. It's Scandinavian and

6:58

brilliant. Who gives a fuck about those cons? They're

7:01

up there. Who gives a

7:03

fuck? Who gives a

7:06

fuck? Who gives

7:08

a fuck? Who

7:10

fuck? Who gives a fuck? fuck?

7:15

Who

7:19

gives fuck?

7:23

Who

7:25

gives my

7:31

brain snap in half. Right, I wouldn't

7:33

go in there. I know it's not for me. It's

7:35

really not for you. There are arrows that tell

7:37

you where to go and I think you would like

7:39

that on some level. I think if I was

7:41

in there, I do like being told where to go.

7:43

I do like being led. I love that. I love

7:45

a leader. Someone to lead me. Although I do

7:47

this thing where if I'm walking in a group of

7:49

people, I will walk out

7:51

in front. Always. Take the lead.

7:54

with no idea where we're going.

7:56

I've never clocked that about you

7:58

before, but that's extremely self -aware. Right, so

8:00

what I'll do is I'll walk out in front and we could be

8:02

walking for a mile and people are like, you sure this the

8:04

right way and I'll turn around and be like, oh, I have no

8:06

idea. They'll be like,

8:08

well, why are you walking out in front then? I'm just like, I

8:11

don't know, I just guess I'm walking faster. been in

8:13

groups where you've done that. Yeah, I've done it. I

8:15

absolutely plow on and when I tell

8:17

you, I haven't the clue where I'm going.

8:20

And I'm making decisions on the fly, right? We'll

8:22

take a left here. Why? No reason other

8:24

than I feel like taking a left. And

8:27

I've let people, I've let people miles

8:29

in the wrong direction. So many people

8:31

astray. It's amazing. And then people are

8:33

so puzzled. Why would you do that?

8:35

I don't know. I don't know why

8:37

I would do that. It's a real

8:39

table ticking, table kicking scenario. Yeah. I

8:41

cried recently in someone's company and they're

8:43

like, why are you crying? I don't

8:45

know. Wow, yeah, I'm really

8:47

do I don't really cry in the company

8:50

of others very often you don't No,

8:52

no too much. I cried twice this week

8:54

though. Who did it? No, I shit.

8:56

I've not seen you cry. Yeah, it's not

8:58

it. Yeah, you have have I yeah,

9:00

you have when did I? I

9:02

saw you on your biggest cry

9:04

that was one of the biggest in

9:06

recent times probably in my grown -up

9:08

life That was a big ball.

9:10

That was a big ball. Oh, that's

9:12

nice. That's nice to see It's

9:15

nice to see you. I

9:17

don't think I've ever seen you cry. Yeah,

9:19

I don't know that, yeah. I don't

9:21

think you would trust me with that. No,

9:24

I think I would, but I think

9:26

we would have to get to a place

9:28

of... Like signing an NDA. Yeah.

9:30

Well, no, Genoa,

9:32

I think I would like it would

9:34

be the height of this podcast if I

9:37

can shed a tear in the pot,

9:39

I'd love that. But you're not usually in

9:41

that mode of like, you know... in

9:43

silly goose mode. You're silly goose

9:46

And silly geese rarely cry. Put that

9:48

on a tea tile. Right. Silly

9:50

geese rarely cry? Right, that's nice. Wow.

9:52

I think that's nice. Yeah. Well,

9:55

they do, but they're not crying

9:57

when they're in silly mode right there.

9:59

in sad goose mode. Sad goose.

10:01

Perhaps they're being force fed. Lad,

10:04

speaking of that. Oh

10:06

yeah then. High on earth here

10:08

in the story speaking of force

10:10

-feeding games. You won't believe how

10:13

actually solid a transition this is. So

10:15

we went bowling on Thursday

10:18

night. We did. We went bowling.

10:20

We had a great fucking night. Me,

10:23

you, my brother, his boyfriend, Jamali,

10:26

a girl that was visiting me from

10:28

America, lovely girl. We all went. And

10:31

went for a little pub dinner beforehand. We

10:34

did. We went to the White Lion. We tried

10:36

to go to an Italian restaurant, Papa

10:38

Pagione's, and they were like, there is no room. We

10:40

said, well, this is your fuck you, brother, because you're

10:42

not going to be mentioned on next week's podcast. And

10:44

we'll see how you like it then. And then what

10:46

have you done? bastard. Yeah,

10:51

fuck pizza, Papa Johnny's or whatever the fuck. Yeah,

10:53

what the hell? Big shout out to the

10:55

White Lion. The White Lion took us in. Very

10:57

tasty. John Rice made a real fool out

10:59

of himself, though. My little brother Johnny, he shit

11:01

the bed when it came to order and

11:03

he was like, because he gets in his head.

11:05

He's always in his head like he's trying

11:07

to be healthy and all this stuff. And

11:09

so he's like, oh, what should I

11:11

get? And then the American girl, she says

11:13

to him, she goes, she goes, oh,

11:15

just get the like veggie burger thing. And

11:17

then he's all right, I'll just get

11:20

the veggie burger. I wasn't

11:22

even referring because I like a

11:24

veggie burger has some kind

11:26

of like like Childish nostalgia to

11:28

it. It's like it's made

11:30

of veggies But it was called

11:32

a plant -based burger on the

11:34

menu. It's just like full

11:37

of science tistles and You know

11:39

Venus flight traps and three

11:41

dishes and just fucking horrible rotten

11:43

wet Dirty decaying plants. Yeah,

11:45

it was bark. Yeah, man. It

11:47

was cruel It was

11:49

just so much good food being thrown

11:51

around. I was on a double

11:53

smash. The other three of you got

11:55

double smash burgers? got double smash

11:57

burger, brother. Maybe four? Did we

12:00

have like enough double smash? And

12:02

then I just had ten chicken wings. You

12:04

went fucking hard on the wings. A Southwark

12:06

classic, no carbs. It was pathetic. Crazy by

12:08

them to have buffalo wings, but no blue

12:10

cheese sauce or like ranch dip or anything

12:12

like that. So I was just dipping. Buffalo

12:15

wings into mayonnaise. Yeah,

12:17

that's it's just not up to

12:19

scratch. I think. Well, it's fine.

12:22

What you're doing is you're simulating a

12:24

good time there because what we know

12:26

you need is blue cheese or you

12:28

need a ranch mayonnaise. It's just kind

12:30

of symbolic of that. But it's not

12:32

that you're pretending. in your head, you're

12:34

like, this is blue cheese, but you

12:36

know it's not. Yeah. You know, it's

12:38

dirty rotten mayo, which I do love

12:40

and adore, but on mail. So

12:43

we all get doubles smashed up. We're happy

12:45

as Larry Johnny Rice. He's in the fucking.

12:47

I mean, he's in the doldrums. He's in the car

12:49

with absolute pets. Dirty plant

12:51

gruel burger. And you can see

12:53

on his face, he's fucking shanked it.

12:56

As soon as he ordered it, there was

12:58

probably a moment where he could have gone

13:00

back, but he stuck by it, which I

13:02

did respect on some level. No, he's stuck

13:04

by it. He knew, you know, at that

13:06

point, if he was to fucking divvy off

13:08

it, it's going to look weaker again. And

13:10

before the bowling, he needed to show. like

13:13

that he backed himself. Because otherwise, once you

13:15

get on those bowling alleys in Rowan's, in

13:17

Finsbury Park, you're gonna be made a fucking

13:19

fool of. The pressure's on. The alley is

13:21

on, forgiving. It's high -stakes stuff. Yeah. Yeah, it's

13:23

unbelievable. It's unbelievable. But anyway, we go to

13:25

bowling. So we go to bowling. Now,

13:28

I'm excited about bowling. I've booked it.

13:30

I've booked this bowling. I'm buzzing. I've

13:32

also got a little bag of MDMA

13:34

in my wallet. Which is a crazy

13:36

thing to take. Bowling. Honestly,

13:38

yeah. I'll admit that. I'll admit,

13:40

it didn't seem the most mentally sound

13:42

thing to do. I also had

13:44

an operation the next day in the

13:46

hospital, which makes it seem even

13:48

more absolutely insane to be doing MD

13:50

Made the night before. by the

13:52

way, they didn't mention my nose. They

13:54

didn't mention my nose once. The

13:57

fucking fools. So,

14:01

have you not eaten anything for

14:03

the last few days? Yeah, I'm

14:05

absolutely fucking fine. Don't worry about

14:07

it, cut me open, doc. me

14:09

open it up. I

14:11

tell you, so we go

14:13

in anyway. You

14:15

seem to be eating things that don't exist, actually.

14:18

I wonder what you're talking about. Don't

14:21

you fucking worry about brother. The

14:23

air tastes good. Let me tell you that, brother. Tasty

14:26

air in this hospital. This

14:28

is Michelin -style air. Five

14:31

stars are from me. So

14:34

anyway, we're going in, we're playing

14:36

the bowling. I gotta say this now,

14:38

and this is even before the

14:40

MDMA is taken. This place is Ronan,

14:42

Finsbury Park. This is Willy Wonka's

14:44

fucking having fun factory for adults. You

14:46

got bowling, you got pool, you got

14:48

Quasar, you got karaoke rooms. What was that?

14:50

You got ladies, you got men, you

14:52

got sexual desire, you got youth. What was

14:54

the cue? Quasar? Quasar.

14:59

What's that? You know that one where you... Why you

15:01

asking me? I don't know.

15:03

It's a kind of a beep -boop -boop -boop

15:05

game, you know, where people are like, uh,

15:07

yeah, yeah, shoot... Like at the arcade

15:09

game, the screen, bang, bang, bang. That's right.

15:11

Brandon Gleason does it in the guard.

15:13

Yeah, yeah, that kind of crack. Anyway, anything

15:15

you could possibly want for, I bet

15:17

you could get a super gift. It's the

15:19

past. It's the past. That's right. It's

15:21

sort of the 90s, the 90s, maybe, just

15:23

kind of like in a big room.

15:25

It's a beautiful time before Innocence was lost.

15:28

You're in there and you can... very pre -9 -11

15:31

vibes, I think. Very pre -9 -11. There is an

15:33

air that the towers are still standing. And

15:35

there's an air of like, definitely

15:38

do forget. Rather than

15:40

never forget. Yeah. Like George Bush said,

15:42

when you go in there, it's like, no,

15:44

do forget. Do forget 9 -11. Don't think

15:46

about that at all. So

15:49

you're in there. It's just, you know,

15:51

it's the last days of Rome. People

15:53

are having fun. It's happy. The

15:56

music in there is sick. It is

15:58

sick. Unbelievable. It is sick. To 2000s

16:00

playlists you've got Kevin Little, turn me

16:02

on, turn me on. You've got fucking

16:04

Justin Timberlake, Sexy Back, you've got Osher

16:06

being played. A little bit of R.

16:08

Kelly ignition at one point. I said

16:10

I don't mind it. I'll allow it,

16:12

I said. I've shouted out loud. That's

16:14

another thing to forget. It's all about

16:16

forgetting the Rowans. R. Kelly in Rowans.

16:18

Or Kelly's never done anything wrong. He's

16:20

never done wrong. He has not done

16:23

a thing wrong in Rollins. Harvey Weinstein

16:25

was there, Bill Cogge was there. They're

16:27

all on the wall, brothers. Which

16:29

is why you like it

16:31

so much. It's just a room

16:33

full of rapists. It's... I've

16:35

told you that's the last time.

16:37

Stop saying that, all right? You

16:40

should know, as a man whose

16:42

father has faced so many accusations

16:44

on this podcast of paedophilia, you

16:46

know how it can destroy a

16:49

man and destroy a family. Karlo

16:52

has not held down a

16:54

decent job since his podcast has

16:56

started. He's been addicted

16:58

to cream buns. You

17:00

know what it's done to him. And I'll

17:02

take responsibility. I've ruined Karlo's life by accusing him

17:04

of being a pedophile as much as I

17:06

have. And he is

17:08

a good man, and I had no

17:10

basis. So I know what reckless accusations

17:12

can do. So stop saying rapist, okay? Enough.

17:17

Right? So anyway, we're

17:19

playing... Next thing, myself, my

17:21

little bird, Johnny Rice, and

17:23

this lovely American girl, we

17:26

give the MD to... So we all

17:28

take a bit of MD now. Let

17:30

me tell you this, brothers! Good

17:33

God! Depression,

17:35

PTSD, the male

17:37

loneliness epidemic, thrushing women,

17:40

cancer, jealousy, a

17:42

lack of curiosity about the world around you, can

17:44

all be cured! By MD,

17:46

hey, I'm bowling. Applied liberally

17:49

to the gums. Applied liberally

17:51

to the gums. Twice a

17:53

day. Just a little

17:55

50s doctor. I'm

17:57

telling you, heaven on

17:59

earth. The music. 2000s

18:02

music. Nostalgia. I'm dancing.

18:05

I've got this lovely girl here. My brother's

18:07

here. My great friend Vee was here. Everybody's

18:10

bowling. I've never

18:13

bowled better than when I've been on

18:15

MDMA. You lose all concern, of

18:17

course, that's part of what that drug

18:19

does. So you're just like, you're

18:21

floating. What I would do before I

18:23

would roll a ball is I

18:25

would, this is so mental, this what

18:27

I was doing. I would imagine

18:29

my mother in my mind so that

18:31

I would fill myself with positive

18:33

feelings of love and positive emotion before

18:35

I would release the ball. And

18:37

let me tell you, one of the

18:39

greatest strategies of all time. That's

18:41

so interesting because I won. Well, you

18:43

didn't. The second game. Yeah, but

18:45

two scores combined. This is classic Mike

18:47

Rice revision. I heard you briefly

18:49

do this at the at the bowling

18:51

alley. I didn't want to call

18:53

you out on it. Well, I congratulated

18:55

you on your victory of the

18:57

first game. Yeah. And then the second

18:59

game I won. And yeah, almost

19:01

immediately. Yeah. Mike goes, Mike goes, yeah,

19:03

but combined. Well, yeah,

19:06

I scored the most points that day

19:08

in bowling. That's the truth.

19:10

If you combine both, you won one game

19:12

and I won one game, but

19:14

if you were to put the scores

19:16

together, I won. And I hate to say

19:18

that. That gives me no joy to

19:20

say. so embarrassing. It means

19:22

everything to me actually, but I

19:24

won. I'm not

19:26

saying you won your game. Any time

19:28

I had a good shot, like say I

19:30

scored a strike or like knocked over

19:32

quite a few pins or anything, what I

19:34

would deliberately do is like whip my

19:37

head run very quickly to get your immediate

19:39

reaction. Yeah, because I started the clock

19:41

that straight away you go. And

19:43

then you go, hey, and like clap and

19:45

join him with everybody else celebrating their friend

19:47

doing well. But I deliberately whipped around so

19:49

I could catch the true Mike. No, no,

19:51

I don't think that's true. So here's what

19:54

I would say. Your

19:56

face portrays it. It was a

19:58

very supportive game of bowling. A

20:00

lot of positive. A lot of

20:02

positive. When people did well, we

20:04

were all buzzing. Now we're

20:06

all MDMA monkeys, three of us. Myself

20:08

and Johnny Rice. Three out of six.

20:10

Literally, if you took a shit. on

20:12

the bowling alley, we would have given

20:14

you a firm handshake and said that

20:16

was brilliant. So

20:19

we were out of our

20:21

minds. But no, that's not

20:23

true. I was buzzing when you did

20:25

well, except at the very end of

20:27

the game. Honestly, I heard

20:29

you when I scored a strike going,

20:31

that's bad news. Yeah. No, no. At

20:33

one point, because that was

20:35

like at the end of the

20:37

second game, which I won,

20:39

which you won. Absolutely. And I

20:41

came second and I won

20:43

the first one. And both,

20:46

both rounds, I'm going to say, I

20:48

mean, two separate games, I would say, two

20:50

separate games, but I posted very,

20:52

very high scores. I was very happy. I

20:54

had no problem with you winning. But when

20:57

you scored that particular strike, I was like,

20:59

all right, I kind of knew you would

21:01

won that game. So can I

21:03

say this? You bow like a loser. No,

21:05

I don't. No, there's no ambition

21:07

in it. No. No ambition, what are

21:09

you talking about? I

21:12

put up unbelievable scores. It's

21:14

just too... You're very risk averse

21:16

in your bowling. Risk averse? What are

21:18

you talking about? You're a big

21:20

strong man. Yeah, and you're trickling the

21:22

ball. I wasn't trickling the ball. You

21:25

got in your head that

21:27

I was playing this conservative, grani

21:30

-esque, nani -ish bowling. It was

21:32

just not true. It was simply

21:34

untrue. And let's be honest, you

21:37

were trying to play the big lad

21:39

in the first game and you're doing these

21:41

wild big swings. You were fucking living

21:43

in the gutter. Second game, you completely

21:45

changed tack. I was still giving him beans.

21:48

I told you. I did a Donald

21:50

Trump impression and I said he's good

21:52

at bowling, but he's not giving it

21:54

enough beans. This is what you were

21:56

saying. I was fucking those beans everywhere.

21:58

It was even Stevens fucking little

22:01

handicap beans was all over the fucking

22:03

alley. I was giving up beans. I

22:05

got a lot of strikes. I was

22:07

knocking down a lot of pins.

22:09

I don't think your argument that

22:11

I was just fucking dribbling down

22:14

the lane was true. I

22:16

honestly think you got in your head

22:18

from the last time we played that

22:20

I played a certain way. But if

22:22

you watched me play the other night,

22:25

you would have to give it up

22:27

to me. that he's playing

22:29

very solidly with great technique

22:31

and picked up some great spares.

22:33

Like ball in the corner,

22:35

Mikey rolls it, hits the box.

22:38

Brother, listen. about spares and all about strikes. You're

22:40

saying something. I'm either doing two gutter balls or

22:42

I'm scoring a strike. Those are my options. I'll tell

22:44

you this. What you're saying sounds nice. You're doing

22:46

my strike. What does it mean really? What

22:49

does it mean? It's alliteration. It

22:51

means nothing. And it's not like

22:53

you're bowling. There's nothing in the

22:55

middle. There's no substance. There's no heart. You

22:58

know, you're trying to get in my head,

23:00

being like, you're not giving enough beans. Focus on

23:02

your own game, brother. Stop comparing yourself to

23:05

others, OK? Have an open heart,

23:07

accept that people are different than you are.

23:09

Stop being critical of your friend, Mike, who's

23:11

bowling great numbers. OK? You're only as good

23:13

as your last game. You're only as good

23:15

as your last game. And I

23:17

won. You won that last game.

23:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give you that. And

23:21

you didn't. And I won overall. And

23:23

that's nice for me. But you're only as good

23:25

as your last game. And that wasn't the last

23:27

game, was it? But my last

23:29

outing in bowling. Yeah, that's not the phrase

23:31

though, is it? You're only just getting your

23:33

last outing, nobody's ever said that. I'm about to

23:36

say it. And

23:38

mean it. But

23:40

anyway, so we had a

23:42

great time. I'm having just, I

23:44

can't, I think it would

23:46

cure PTSD. Bowling on MDMA, when

23:48

I released that ball, it's

23:50

just like... Bowling on MDMA is

23:52

a very good, like, band

23:54

name, album name. Right. Something like

23:56

that. I just can't tell

23:58

you enough How truly wonderful at

24:00

time I was having and

24:02

my brother Johnny was and then

24:04

Johnny has a man. He

24:06

throws it so high Johnny was

24:08

fucking the ball was coming

24:10

down with snow on it Just

24:12

smashed the lane. It's unbelievable.

24:14

The lane took some hammer Johnny

24:16

was fucking Johnny was like

24:19

firing like he was firing them

24:21

into fucking Tel Aviv You

24:24

know what I mean? He was firing

24:26

rockets down the lane. It was crazy. home

24:28

was getting involved. Unbelievable. But

24:30

like that, you would think that the

24:32

fucking the alley itself sees Johnny

24:34

Cummins like, oh, you can't be serious.

24:36

Not again. He was tossing them

24:38

up. Yeah. Boy, Johnny did well as

24:40

well. He was very solid. Very

24:42

solid. Very consistent bowler. Johnny's

24:44

boyfriend, Shacky. Probably the most stylish

24:46

polar like when he when he

24:48

hit he hit he was good

24:50

beans He was very good big

24:53

beans. He was all beans and

24:55

Jamali all positive vibes. Yeah Very

24:57

few pins quaking in their boots.

24:59

I would say technically Jamali Put

25:01

in one of the worst performances

25:03

in the history of Rowan's but

25:05

extremely positive vibes But she which

25:07

gets you a lot of credit

25:09

at Rowan's I think she would

25:12

hit the gutter twice Twice

25:14

and early, just straight into the gutter and

25:16

she turned around and you've rarely seen a happier

25:18

person. And you've

25:20

rarely seen a person more proud of their

25:22

work. It was an incredible, it

25:25

was what was also an

25:27

incredible display of, like, mental. Just

25:30

equalist mental fortitude. She's

25:32

happy to be having a good time. If

25:34

it was me, I mean.

25:36

I'd probably be... I'm going home

25:39

between games. I'm kicking things.

25:41

I'm biting people. There's

25:43

probably some racial abuse happening. She

25:46

seems to be escalating in joy

25:48

the worse she's doing. I suppose

25:50

everybody else is doing well. That's

25:52

really Jamali's vibe. It's just like,

25:54

is the group having a good

25:56

time? Is everybody enjoying it? She's

25:58

buzzing. Right. An angel, a saint.

26:01

She's a sweet angel. I myself

26:03

now would be very concerned on

26:05

how Mike's doing. But

26:07

that's the difference. I was

26:09

trying to to someone that's

26:11

the difference between like female

26:13

autism and male autism. Okay.

26:15

It's like female autism was

26:17

like... Thunberg, being like, we

26:19

have to save the planet.

26:21

And male autism is your

26:23

man Brian Johnson, like, we

26:25

have to save me. Forever.

26:29

What about me living forever? That's a great

26:31

premise. Yeah. That's a great premise. You

26:34

do that on the stand -up comedy stage.

26:36

In my stand -up comedy stage, forget you

26:38

heard that. I'll be saying it on stage.

26:40

You pigs. Forget you heard it.

26:42

There'll be more examples, maybe several tags. Yes, X

26:44

-Men Little Thing. Do you know the X -Men?

26:46

They go, and they forget. Men in black. Oh,

26:48

men in black. Oh

26:50

dear. You corrected me

26:52

on a film thing. That's a big

26:54

moment. I mean, they're comic book films,

26:56

both of them. That's right. So

26:59

anyway, afterwards. So then you went home

27:01

after the bowling. We went for another

27:03

drink. I wasn't drinking, by the way,

27:05

doing the MD. I haven't drank in

27:07

a month. And so

27:09

we go to a bar for a

27:11

drink. Then just me, John

27:13

and the lovely American lady, we go back.

27:15

to my place and because John's gonna sleep

27:17

in my bed and we're me and her

27:20

staying in this other apartment um so we

27:22

go back And we were meant to just

27:24

go back there for a minute and get

27:26

our stuff, but we ended up being there

27:28

for hours at the kitchen table, just sitting

27:30

around like looking at each other. I

27:32

swear to God, this was happening. We're having

27:34

the time of our life, by the way.

27:37

I got some cigarettes as well. It was like

27:39

fucking smoking fucking an angel's cock. It was

27:41

unbelievable. So we were looking at each

27:43

other. Yeah, again, you've come into this record today and been

27:45

like, God, something's going on with throat. I don't know

27:47

what's happening. And as it transpires,

27:49

you've been smoking like a fucking

27:51

Thomas the Tank engine. Yeah, and up,

27:53

sitting around a Christian table, telling

27:55

lies earnestly into each other's eyes. But

27:57

like, we went round the table and

27:59

I was like, she was like, she's

28:01

like, Mike, she's like,

28:03

tell John, treatings you

28:06

love about him. And then

28:08

I was just like,

28:10

I think you're funny and

28:12

you're very kind and

28:14

you're very smart. And we

28:16

thought, I have like

28:18

a little group fog. We

28:21

were all just on everything. It was like

28:23

Care Bears or something. It was...

28:25

was both, if it was

28:27

recorded, we would all have

28:29

to just immediately commit saboku and just

28:31

fall on our own swords and

28:33

never walk the earth again. It was

28:35

so insanely cringe -worthy. The amount of

28:38

hugging we did of each other. I

28:40

think also you've been influenced by the

28:42

American in the room here. There's definitely

28:44

an American. She contaminated the whole thing

28:46

with sincerity and it was tough. it

28:48

deserves what it's getting right now. Like

28:51

on some level. fascism

28:53

right like a dictatorial like shattering

28:55

of their economy like it's

28:57

it's crazy so you think her

28:59

being like tell him three

29:01

things you love about him you

29:04

think okay that deserves civil

29:06

war you deserve a civil war

29:12

I've got what's coming to there. She incited

29:14

so many hugs. What goes around comes

29:16

around. So much hugging done. You're demanding

29:18

hugs of other people, you? You're gonna

29:20

get bullets from the other direction. I

29:23

was fucking, I was fucking, the

29:25

hugging that I did. That is

29:27

nice though. What I like about

29:29

MDMA and those types of things is like, you

29:31

listen. A big, a cokey night is

29:33

not a hugging kind of listening night. Everybody's

29:35

just waiting. But MDMA, you kind of

29:37

just listen with so much love and intensity

29:39

and you believe what they're saying. It

29:41

was so beautiful. It's such a great time.

29:44

We went to bed then, I don't know,

29:46

about half four. I wake up, I'd say

29:48

half seven, three hours later. And

29:50

I am drowned in sweat in what I

29:52

could only describe as having a fever. I've

29:55

been sick since Some sort of

29:57

norovirus that day the next day I

29:59

have to go in to hospital

30:01

at four o 'clock and I don't

30:03

sleep after that either I have to

30:05

see her off to the airport.

30:07

I have to come back do a

30:09

load of things. I'm in Birmingham

30:11

that night I'd have a fucking operation

30:13

to the airport London's

30:15

the place where I don't go to the airport. I

30:17

go to the train station to the airport. She got

30:19

an Uber. Oh, yeah. Fucking sick. I'll

30:22

see you to your Uber. I'll see you

30:24

to the fucking Uber as long as you

30:26

get it right to here, to this bedroom.

30:28

That's the Uber that comes That's not a

30:30

designated pickup point. You fucking get them in

30:32

here. Prayers knocks on the door. That's

30:35

right. Getting to come up here with a

30:37

wheelchair, wheel you down to the car. So

30:40

anyway, so that day I have

30:42

to go do this endoscopy. Right, so an

30:44

endoscopy if you don't know they show I think

30:46

you get an endoscopy I don't think you

30:49

do it, but yes, so this is what is

30:51

gonna this is what is going to Relate

30:53

him back to being when we said earlier about

30:55

being force -fed. Oh This

30:57

is there. This was a long way

30:59

around to get back to the

31:01

force -feeding geese thing, but brother fucking

31:03

fucking brought around fucking play I think

31:06

that was maybe 25 minutes and

31:08

brother listen, it's it's not about the

31:10

destination. It's about the Cock

31:12

anyway, whatever journey. How does it

31:14

go? So

31:23

yeah, so I have

31:25

a gig It's about

31:27

the cock brother. It's

31:29

about the hot kiak

31:31

So I goes I've

31:33

to win for this

31:35

operation. I've a gig

31:37

in Birmingham Lee that

31:39

night now This

31:41

is one of the dumbest things I've

31:44

done, of many dumb things I do

31:46

consistently, was to not take the gig

31:48

off that night, right? Now... Yeah,

31:50

I don't... You're still doing this thing of

31:52

like going around the country doing like club

31:54

gigs and all this like kind of... You're

31:56

touring, like you don't need to... Yeah, but

31:58

this is what makes me strong. Like lots

32:01

of people like do the Patreon and stuff

32:03

and... Yeah, but this is what makes me

32:05

strong. This is what galvanizes me. This is

32:07

what... This is why You seem strong. Huh?

32:09

You seem strong. This

32:12

is what makes me like fucking Uma Thurman

32:14

and Kill Bill where she's like just aiming

32:16

at the little when she's in a coffin

32:18

and she can fight her way out of

32:20

the coffin and just climb through the mud.

32:22

That's I'm able to do that because I

32:24

go to Birmingham on Friday nights and I

32:26

deal with these drunken fucking lunatics and I

32:28

you know what I mean? This is what?

32:30

How was the gig? Huh? How was the

32:32

gig? Gig ended up being gig ended up

32:34

being good. I mean I was fucking half

32:36

delirious. So I go in. This

32:38

is the problem with you is the worst

32:40

physical and mental state. You're in the better

32:42

the gig scene. That's right. The funnier you

32:44

are. It's always better when

32:46

someone is just half falling apart. Now,

32:50

so I go in, they

32:52

asked, do you want to do anaesthetic?

32:54

I said, I can't do anaesthetic because

32:56

I got this gig after they're like,

32:58

okay. So

33:00

what we'll do is we'll just put this trotinum and spray.

33:02

But I could see in her eyes when I said I'm

33:04

not gonna do anesthetic. She's like, are you sure you're not

33:06

gonna do anesthetic? I was like, yeah, yeah, fuck that, I

33:08

said. Let me tell you.

33:10

You're having a camera shove down your throat

33:12

with no anesthetic. That's right. Now let

33:14

me tell you this, brother. Michael. Brother, let

33:17

me tell you this. I

33:19

didn't fully

33:21

understand human

33:23

pain, suffering,

33:26

and torture. until

33:28

I did an endoscopy

33:30

without Anastatic. You're raw -doggin'

33:33

an endoscopy. This was fucking

33:35

crazy. It was one of

33:37

the dumbest things I've done. They put you

33:39

on your side. They give you this little fucking

33:41

plastic in your mouth so that you don't fucking bite

33:43

your own tongue out of your head. And

33:45

then they - You're fucking Dolors Price. I

33:47

was Dolors Price! I

33:49

swear to God! I was

33:52

fucking Dolors Price! I

33:55

was being fucking... Force fed by the

33:57

British forces and they were British! And

33:59

you're a fucking bitch! Lad,

34:02

I had some respect for dollars

34:04

after that, I tell you that. I

34:06

had some respect. Whereas a week ago,

34:08

you thought she was an old hag?

34:11

I thought she was an old

34:13

rotten hag. I thought she was

34:15

an old bag of bones, an old

34:17

fucking washerwoman. And listen,

34:19

I was wrong, Dolors. I

34:21

was wrong. By fucking God.

34:23

Lad, I mean... they

34:26

stick it down your throat, right? They have

34:28

you on your side, they

34:30

put this little plastic thing in your mouth and they have

34:32

a nurse just kind of holding you because you're like an

34:34

old wild bull. I was like, yeah. So

34:37

they're doing that. They have a little suction thing

34:39

to suck the saliva out your mouth because the

34:41

saliva builds up and then you can't breathe. Yeah.

34:43

And you're like, right? And you're dry. Yeah,

34:45

and you die. So

34:47

they're sticking the yolk down. As it's

34:49

happening, you're actually... gagging. Now, at this

34:51

point as well, I have a fever

34:53

because I've been up till five doing

34:55

MDMA. Tell my brother what I love

34:57

about menhoganum. You supposed to have not

34:59

been eating before this. Yeah, and I

35:01

didn't. I didn't eat that. You did

35:03

your 12 hours or whatever. Yeah, okay.

35:05

Yeah, I didn't eat anything, did a

35:07

full bag of MDMA, but I didn't

35:09

eat anything. So technically, also

35:12

when they checked my pulse, kind

35:14

of still on MD in the hospital. So

35:16

they checked my pulse. It was during the

35:18

macarena. And like my pulse was literally like, And

35:21

they're like... So

35:24

they check it

35:26

and the lady

35:28

just goes, she's

35:31

like, your heart

35:33

rate is very

35:35

high. And then she's

35:37

like, you take any medication, anything. The

35:39

last one, I was like, no medication if

35:41

that's what you're asking. But I

35:43

did have a lot of fun last night. So

35:46

my heart rate is spiking and

35:48

I was like, I feel really

35:50

calm. This is stressing me out so

35:52

much. So I'm there, heart rates

35:55

going through the roof. They're sticking

35:57

this fucking yolk down my throat and

35:59

you're just like, you're gagging. Like

36:01

it's. And they just keep pushing it

36:03

down. And then the lady's kind of

36:05

like rubbing your head. like, it's okay.

36:07

And you're like biting on the plastic.

36:10

You feel like you're in rain one

36:12

through over the cuckoo's nest. I feel

36:14

like I'm getting some sort of fucking

36:16

crazy invasive procedure done. And

36:18

it just felt so far.

36:20

Like I was literally hours before

36:22

in heaven. Bowling

36:25

pictures of my mother strikes.

36:28

With all my friends dancing the

36:30

music literally heaven on earth

36:32

and I am currently this is

36:34

how you live through the

36:37

pigs in the troughs almost immediately

36:39

decent brother I was I

36:41

was in the light and I

36:43

just got shot straight into

36:45

the dark like literally the two

36:47

extremes of human experience and

36:50

emotion of joy pleasure sex love

36:52

friendship camaraderie to just sheer

36:54

oppressive physical pain it was SHOCKING!

36:57

I was like RUH! And then there was a

36:59

time where the saliva built up in my mouth

37:01

and I couldn't breathe, I was like GAH! And

37:03

I was like GAH! And then your one was like,

37:05

she's like sass rub me, she's like no no,

37:07

she's like don't talk, she's like don't talk, it's

37:09

okay, don't talk, I was like GAH! And

37:12

then one other one was like no no, he needs the

37:14

saliva I think, oh she's like oh shit yeah. And

37:16

she had to pull the thing out

37:19

and then I was like oh thank you.

37:21

Ah lad, it was fucking So

37:24

rough. I'd be so sympathetic if it

37:26

wasn't all your fault. I

37:29

mean, never has a man been

37:32

more actively the master of his own

37:34

demise than me. I mean, I

37:36

am the architect of my own misery.

37:38

Master of my own demise, very

37:40

good show name for young Michael. That

37:42

would be fucking good, yeah. But

37:45

then afterwards, so you kind

37:47

of finish up and I knew they found some infections

37:49

in my stomach. I don't know what I have to

37:51

get. Uh, I have to get like

37:53

prescribed off my GP who then I can only

37:56

see in two weeks because that's when he's available.

37:58

Two weeks isn't bad for a GP, but yeah,

38:00

I suppose that's not too bad. Um, but

38:03

then and then they wheel you out in a little wheelchair. It

38:05

is nice being in a wheelchair. I don't

38:07

have ever been in one of them. I think

38:10

those concerts are acting like it's hard. What

38:12

wheelchair people? Yeah, I was

38:14

in it. Yeah. And

38:16

you feel like Andy from I can't imagine.

38:19

I don't think the novelty would ever wear

38:21

off. Once

38:26

I when I was in it, lad, I was

38:28

like, I can't see this getting old. Listen, that

38:30

would be a thrill every day. You wake up

38:32

every day. Oh, I can't walk. Fucking

38:35

brilliant. Yeah. That'd

38:38

be me if I'm disabled. Back

38:40

in magic chair. Honestly,

38:44

honestly, that is what

38:46

I felt like. But

38:50

uh... So went to Birmingham that night

38:52

and like... And I'm just sweating. And I've

38:54

just been properly... I think I've denoravires.

38:56

I've been properly ill since. There's no doubt

38:58

you'll be sick after this. Sorry, brother.

39:00

I'm sorry, bro. I'm not going to be.

39:02

I'm ill. I'm not going to be

39:04

this. I'm properly ill and contagious and I

39:06

think I spit when I talk. not

39:08

contagious. You have a horrific... And I've been

39:10

coughing at in your direction. You haven't

39:12

been coughing over there and I've appreciated it.

39:16

You're not ill. You've a

39:18

horrendous lifestyle and it's

39:20

catching up you. My

39:22

immune system is so strong. I've

39:25

actually been my lifestyle ordered

39:27

and the MDMA blip, I had

39:29

a little blip. Or

39:31

what's the opposite of a blip? What's

39:33

like a a peak? A

39:35

plop? A plop? It's

39:37

the opposite of a blip, a plop. No,

39:40

but you know I mean? So the blip

39:42

is like, you're kind of having a little...

39:44

It's just a little variation from the norm.

39:46

From the norm is a blip. But what's

39:49

the positive end of a blip? Because a

39:51

blip implies, like, oh, I

39:53

was on the carnivore diet, then I

39:55

ate a blip, and I ate

39:57

a whole tree. Then you're back on

39:59

the wagon, like you're just back

40:01

on the street now? Yeah, okay, but

40:03

then what would be like... Okay,

40:05

because the opposite of blip would imply

40:07

you're constantly doing bad things then

40:09

you have an occasional good thing. Yeah.

40:12

What would that be called? A blop? No,

40:15

it's still a blip. It's still a

40:17

blip because a blip doesn't imply negative. It

40:19

just implies out of the norm. Maybe

40:22

there's a hint of negativity. Sick.

40:24

All right. But like, yeah, I

40:26

hear what you're saying. What was the

40:28

positive blip or was this a negative

40:30

blip? No, so this was a negative

40:32

blip. doing the MDMA and everything, but

40:34

also in my mind, I'm like, it

40:37

was also so fun. It was great.

40:39

But this is now five days later,

40:41

and I'm still a raggedy little puddle

40:43

of a man. And I am genuinely

40:45

sick. I do believe I contracted some

40:47

sort of ancient virus. I'm

40:49

fucking knackered. I'm not concerned about

40:51

this. I take vitamins every day. Yeah,

40:54

I'm smaller than a virus now. You

40:57

could float around in my

40:59

bloodstream. That's the size you're at

41:01

right now. Lad. Sound of the Patreon.

41:03

Lad, you're gonna love this. I fucking, I've

41:05

lost a load of weight. Yeah, this

41:07

is the only way you were ever gonna

41:09

catch up on the weight loss. Illness.

41:11

Yeah. Just true pure illness. disease, just pure

41:13

self abuse. Lad, I'm fucking down to

41:15

like just over a 90kg. Sick.

41:18

I'm fucking buzzing. I'm coming for you.

41:21

That's where we start. I'm gonna

41:23

look like... the fuck up.

41:25

All right. Are you gone way above

41:27

that? Okay. I'd actually gone

41:30

way above that if you must

41:32

know. That's where we started the

41:34

weight loss challenge. Well, I'm back

41:36

there. I'm back to the start.

41:38

In like October, we were like

41:40

92, something like that. I'm

41:43

back there, brother. Don't know where

41:45

I'm at. You're like, well,

41:47

you've... I don't know. You were in

41:49

Ariana Grande around a similar way at

41:51

this point. You could do

41:53

that little face -off to UFC face -off. You

41:55

and her. You're 78. That's too... That

41:57

isn't good, lad. That is

41:59

I still got a little stuff I

42:02

can grab. But you know a man

42:04

your size, that is not... You're a

42:06

Like, you've... But 70 of that is

42:08

head. I know, but you've made

42:10

a... You've made a brittle little fucking... You know...

42:12

But I still have pub. I'm gonna get

42:14

rid of all of it. I'm gonna be bone

42:16

-dry. Right, but you're not

42:18

you don't look fucking like I look a

42:20

lot more tanked up than you. Yeah, do

42:22

I mean? Haven't

42:24

been to the gym recently because my

42:26

life's been falling apart, but what's tell

42:28

us about that? I should be in

42:30

Texas right now and you be in

42:33

the state of Texas America right now

42:35

And I am just fucking here talking

42:37

to you. Well, don't say like that.

42:39

Who needs Texas when you've got Mike? Yeah,

42:44

so I was due to

42:46

be performing at the moon tower

42:48

comedy festival in Austin this

42:50

weekend but for through a combination

42:53

of The lawyers being some

42:55

of the most useless people I've

42:57

ever interacted with were like

42:59

they'll send over like a letter

43:01

or a contract that needs

43:03

to be part of the visa

43:05

application and I'll I'll read

43:07

it and I know that's like

43:09

mad because it's a mad

43:11

legal document And like, you know,

43:14

yeah, but I'm just I

43:16

just read everything and I'm a

43:18

bit of I'm a slightly

43:20

psychotic on terms of like making

43:22

sure everything's okay. You are

43:24

no way. But

43:26

this like I'm vindicated because I'm like, there's a

43:28

typo. There's a typo. There's a typo. There's a

43:31

typo. That's the wrong name. That's the wrong thing.

43:33

That's because you're always giving out to me about

43:35

you spelt that wrong. And I always think surely

43:37

you should get hit by your boss. But now

43:39

it's helped. Well, it helped. But it's like it's

43:41

a bit like As a

43:43

lawyer, if a comedian corrects

43:45

your work, surely you

43:47

gotta, like, kill yourself or something? Well,

43:49

you're not - let's stop now, because you're

43:52

not only a comedian, but surely worldwide

43:54

you'd compete at the spelling bee. Surely

43:57

you could be at some kind of

43:59

global Chinese spelling beyond a mountain. I

44:01

would enter you for London, for

44:04

the city, 10 million people in

44:06

London, you would be who I

44:08

would send forward to represent us

44:10

in spelling. That's crazy. And that's

44:12

the nicest thing I could say. I like

44:14

when spelling is good, but I don't think I'm

44:16

doing those tricky words like those Indians. But

44:19

the Yes with

44:21

all this and I'm just like what the fuck

44:23

and they're just taking ages to get back and blah

44:25

blah blah. They're super patronizing as well. They do

44:27

a thing on emails that really grinds my gears. They

44:30

don't say whoever they're addressing

44:32

their email to whether it's like

44:34

agent manager me whoever. They

44:37

don't say like hi this person blah

44:39

blah blah blah blah blah. Hi my

44:41

name is at the top of the

44:43

email just say Vittorio blah blah blah

44:45

blah blah. And I don't know what

44:47

it is about that but it comes

44:49

across so patronizing,

44:51

calm the sanding, rude.

44:55

Fucking, yeah. Just be like, hi, Vittorio, here's

44:57

the answer to your question. Words if I

44:59

ask you a question and you go, Vittorio,

45:01

blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just like, fuck

45:05

off. Fuck you. I really hate that.

45:07

And I don't know if this is made just

45:09

not knowing the corporate world. And if you're in the

45:11

corporate world, let me know if that's the norm.

45:13

And I will just add that to my list of

45:15

norms and I'll be fine with it. Right. But that

45:18

was a problem and then eventually

45:20

we get it all together send off

45:22

the petition for me to get

45:24

my visa cool i'm like great two

45:26

weeks later we haven't heard anything

45:28

so we kind of and we've paid

45:30

for all the expedited like please

45:32

do this quickly shit so like me

45:34

and my agents go back and

45:36

be like hey what's the crack with

45:39

this and they go oh we

45:41

never got confirmation that they received it

45:43

so we're going to send it

45:45

again right and i was like But

45:47

the what we were tied for

45:50

time two weeks ago Yeah, and you're

45:52

telling me you didn't follow up

45:54

at any point for the past 14

45:56

days heads have got a role

45:58

brother I was like this is you

46:00

need to go like I would

46:02

like to see a movie a revenge

46:05

movie like John Wick but in

46:07

the farm old boy Yeah, like old

46:09

boy, but the whole thing is

46:11

just like veto taking revenge on like

46:13

different kind of bureaucratic

46:16

people who have wronged them. It's

46:19

so out of proportion, it's just because you

46:21

didn't get your comedy visa, but you're literally cutting

46:23

people's heads off. you know I mean? I

46:25

love the cut people's heads off. You just

46:27

showed them, what's up with this email? They're like,

46:29

well, the thing is, yeah, just

46:32

fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as they try

46:34

and make an excuse, if they don't immediately go,

46:36

I'm so sorry, here's a thousand pounds. I think

46:38

you would be a great lead for a revenge

46:40

flip. Like, just the dead. Blind man's eyes, and

46:42

it just splatters a blood just coming up. But

46:44

the thing is, I think if you're doing a

46:46

revenge thing, you need to have a lot of

46:48

sympathy for the guy getting revenge on all those

46:50

people and killing all them. I think you're not

46:52

going to be going, it sort

46:54

of comes across serial killer. More Patrick Bateman -esque.

46:57

Yeah, it's not a revenge thing. It's a bit

46:59

like it sort of becomes a serial killer thing.

47:01

Right. But I would go with that as well.

47:03

But I would just like to see you going

47:05

around. Well, people say I look like that guy

47:07

from Pulp Fiction. Which one? The

47:10

guy that looks like me. Uh, Harvey

47:12

Coytel? No, no, like very

47:14

like fringe character in Pulp

47:16

Fiction. Uh, he's in

47:19

other shit as well. What? Um,

47:21

let me find them. Pulp

47:24

Fiction. Pulp

47:26

Fiction. know, I don't like, you're

47:28

gonna, you're gonna benefit from this. Right.

47:30

Not him, not him, not him, not

47:32

him, not him, not not him. Peter

47:34

Green. Zed. Ah,

47:37

yeah. That's not bad.

47:39

Yeah, yeah, Zed. Who's it? He's

47:41

like, Zed's dead, baby. Zed's

47:44

dead. Yeah, and he's not a

47:46

likable guy. Well, in that movie, he

47:48

is raping Ving Rhimes, Ving

47:51

Rhimes, who's Maricela

47:53

Swallows. Yeah, he's raping

47:55

Ving Rhimes, which is like, you kind

47:57

of think, surely that's not something like African

48:00

-Americans have gone true enough. Yes. Next thing

48:02

you're getting, rapes like... He goes playing

48:04

with fire. That's a large man. That's a

48:06

big, large man. That

48:08

is a great, do you remember that

48:10

moment in the movie where he's getting

48:12

shagged by Rotten Z and then Bruce

48:14

Willis comes in with, back in with

48:16

the sword and Bruce Willis could have

48:18

left, he could have left. Marcellus Wallace

48:20

wants him dead, he could have left

48:22

him to be sodomized and killed and

48:24

bought, you know what? That's

48:27

right. I don't know anything about

48:29

Dragon Ball Z, but people have been, quote,

48:31

like, using the reference of Goku to me,

48:34

which is from Dragon Ball Z, and they've

48:36

been using it in a liberal sense, that

48:38

thinking I would know what it is. And

48:40

I'm like, you can't look at me

48:43

and think I know. Yeah, you don't

48:45

have anime vibes. Surely you will know

48:47

that that stuff is, like, I'm allergic

48:49

to that stuff. Yeah, that's so not

48:51

you. You know that I'm, I'm, that's,

48:53

that's my enemy. The Japanese? Yes. Yeah,

48:56

yeah. I'll never forget the rape of

48:58

Nanking. We've said rape so many times. So

49:01

many times. I wonder if this episode will be monetized

49:03

at all. It'll be hard to know. It'll be hard.

49:05

It'll be touch and go with this one. So

49:08

anyway, you're... Please sign up for the

49:10

Patreon. You're revenge flick aside. So

49:13

all this shit's happening and I'm

49:15

just like... head is boiling at this

49:17

point and I'm sending angry texts

49:19

to my agents being like, what the

49:21

fuck is going on? And they're

49:23

sending much more polite versions of that

49:25

to lawyers. And I'm just like,

49:27

if I try to email these lawyers,

49:30

I will be unbelievably rude and swear a

49:32

lot in these emails. You're going to eat

49:34

the keyboard. Like I'm going to burn the

49:37

bridge and then they're not going to help.

49:39

With my visa, I just need so I

49:41

just like took it all on my people

49:43

and then I was like, okay, you tell

49:45

them that in nice corporate ways. Right. And

49:47

I just fucking like, so it's still not

49:49

happening. Where are we right now? Can you

49:51

go to America? Not a

49:54

present. So here's what

49:56

we're right now is the

49:58

visa petition has been sent

50:00

off. We have heard nothing from

50:02

them. So best

50:04

case scenario, we hear a

50:06

yes. today. And then

50:08

I can go to, and

50:11

then I have to go to

50:13

an interview at the embassy, either

50:15

in London or in Dublin, doesn't

50:17

really fucking matter. And

50:19

I have to like, basically, they just ask

50:21

you a few questions about your application and be

50:23

like, you just have to be quite arrogant

50:26

about it. I think I'll be fine. Right. They

50:28

go like, what's your standing in the comedy

50:30

industry? And I know of people who like haven't

50:32

got their visa because they're like, oh, I'm

50:34

all right. Like I'm doing okay. Whereas you just

50:36

need to be like, I'm brilliant. Nobody's like

50:38

me. I'm going to be class in America. Right.

50:40

Type of thing. You just

50:42

have to be like, yeah, I'm

50:44

fucking sick, which I'm big head.

50:46

I wear lovely sweaters and my

50:48

cock has been recently fixed. Is

50:51

your cock fixed? It's all right at the minute. It's all right

50:53

at the minute. Although the kind of God

50:55

if I have a low sex drive

50:57

normally if I'm kind of burnt out

50:59

with complete meltdown about admin stuff It's

51:01

the complete back of my mind Anyway,

51:03

so yes, that's what's gonna and then

51:05

they keep your passport from that interview

51:07

and then which means I never needed

51:09

to get the British passport Anyway, okay,

51:11

which is completely which is the reason

51:14

I got the British passport stuck I

51:16

go to Australia Give them my Irish

51:18

passport and still get back. Yeah London

51:20

that didn't happen in time which shows

51:22

you how fucking long Behind

51:24

schedule we are in this I was

51:26

supposed to be doing an interview in

51:28

Melbourne and I am I've been home

51:30

for like two weeks now Anyway, I

51:32

do so then I can go to

51:34

that interview I give them my passport

51:36

and then it's seven to ten days

51:39

to get my passport back from them

51:41

to travel to America and Like realistically

51:43

Chicago isn't happening. I supposed to

51:45

have a show in Nashville on Monday. It's still

51:47

on their website I've asked them to

51:49

take it down. They seem not keen to take it down.

51:51

I don't know why they would be keen to keep

51:53

a show up on their website when I'm definitely not going

51:55

to be there. That's disappointing. That's the show that I

51:57

was going to try and get Pete Webber to come to

51:59

because he lives in Nashville. Big

52:01

sadness. Pete Webber the bowling guy who's main thing in

52:04

VO show. Blah, blah, blah. It's a whole thing. There

52:06

was a guy I met in the toilet in Finsbury

52:08

Park who was like, who has been to your tour

52:10

show and I was in there and sure I was

52:12

fucking. I was floating

52:14

in there like, it had me

52:16

like Yoda, it was so apiece on my MDMA

52:18

and I came in and a guy came

52:20

up to me and he's just like, alright Mike,

52:22

how you doing? And I was like, I

52:24

was like, oh lad, brother, you have no idea,

52:26

I couldn't be better. And I didn't let

52:28

him know about the MDMA, but I was like,

52:30

brother, I'm flying. And then he's just like,

52:32

mate, you don't know how surreal it is for

52:34

me to see. You and Vito

52:36

in there bowling. I was at his show

52:39

about bowling. Now the two you are

52:41

here and you're bowling. That's mad. I was

52:43

like, brother, the worms are crazy, please. We're

52:47

on a wild little marble

52:49

called Earth Brother. So

52:52

all that stuff. And then there is, and

52:54

then this is like just this fucking lawyer

52:56

thing where like, I don't know where we

52:58

can go. They're like, oh, there is a

53:00

way if you pay an extra $500, which

53:02

is like every email you get from these

53:04

concerts is like, oh, if you just pay

53:06

more, this can happen. and I'm just always

53:08

like pay more I want to go I

53:10

want to go do the shows and I

53:13

like at this point I'm losing so much

53:15

money I like I met was supposed to

53:17

be flying in Texas yesterday they take the

53:19

money you so how much money you lose

53:21

was that was that flight refundable no it

53:23

wasn't yeah it's with thousands of pounds thousands

53:25

of pounds how much exactly for the nosy

53:27

parkers I would say probably all in like

53:29

if it all gets cancelled yeah I probably

53:31

like it's in potential earnings or like actual

53:33

money I would say like We're looking like

53:36

two grand, something like that. Ah, come on.

53:38

There's a chump change. I

53:41

don't know why it matters. Like,

53:43

that's not a lot of money. It's

53:47

nightmarish. Right. So

53:49

then, the

53:51

other, like, there is a way if you

53:53

pay an extra $500, you can do it

53:55

without doing the interview thing. And I'm like,

53:57

well, let's do that one because then I

53:59

might get to go to Chicago. But And

54:01

this is The Real Kicker. We're way behind

54:03

schedule last week and then this week I

54:05

send an email on Monday and get out

54:07

of offices from both of the lawyers who

54:09

are working on my visa. You dirty dogs.

54:11

They're out of office all week. Dirty bastards.

54:13

What are we doing down to Bahamas sipping

54:15

on a fucking mark sipping on my timing

54:17

But for the love of God like it's

54:19

just bad It's real bad the worst stuff

54:21

and I keep having which is why I've

54:23

cried twice this week. I've just got complete

54:25

meltdown I've cried twice as well. I'm drowning

54:27

and also my content forgot something on my

54:29

tax returns why I would extra fucking six

54:31

grand and student visa and I did cry

54:34

I did cry. Brother, they

54:37

won't let this. But it's coming at me

54:39

from all angles. My tax return to the

54:41

HMRC wants some more fucking money from me.

54:43

The visa's fucked. It's all fucked. Whoa, the

54:45

tax man's after you. Yes, children. The student

54:47

loans shit. Apparently my accountant assumed I hadn't

54:49

gone to university, which is very rude of

54:51

him, actually. Because he's just been listening. This

54:55

fucking... Right. So

54:58

Chicago's off the cards. I would say like

55:00

it's still in because there's like a tiny

55:02

chance I can go but then like I

55:04

don't know I think my North American term

55:06

might turn out to be one Toronto show

55:08

Fuck lad, which is really brutal, isn't it?

55:10

This is nasty, but fingers crossed number one

55:12

if you have tickets for any of those

55:15

things like those tickets will be valid for

55:17

like Hopefully we're gonna work it out. So

55:19

it's like it won't be the bowling pins

55:21

show But I thought anyone's there to see

55:23

the bowling pins in particular just the next

55:25

to her in America. I'm not gonna reschedule

55:27

him. I need to get the fuck in.

55:30

Specialised. You need get specialised. You need to get the

55:32

new show going. You need to become the new

55:34

you. You need to return to your former glory where

55:36

you're telling everyone to fuck off and you're, you

55:38

know, being risky and ballsy. Exactly. That's why I kept

55:40

calling you a rapist today is me trying to

55:43

get back to place. getting back. You're getting back to

55:45

what made you who you are. Yeah. And I

55:47

appreciate that. I'd rather if you did it to a

55:49

different vehicle than accusing me of rape. But listen, you

55:51

know, do what you got to do.

55:54

The thing is though, you did get to

55:56

go to Australia. Let me check where

55:58

we're on at this one. say we're fucking.

56:00

Well, oh no 56 right. We're not

56:02

doing Australia in three We do Australia in

56:05

three minutes. Um Can I tell you

56:07

one I wrote a bad one liner this

56:09

week? I could probably do that and

56:11

then we can finish up the episode fucking

56:13

noise and it is actually like a

56:15

one liner you think most one liners are

56:17

like two lines Yeah, it's always a

56:19

setup on a bunch line. I like I've

56:21

been trying to write jokes that are

56:23

literally one line. Yes, and What if it's

56:25

actually pronounced son Connery? Because

56:31

we wouldn't know because that's

56:33

how he would say that oh

56:35

Because right Yeah, no, I

56:37

don't say that one It's absolute

56:39

dog shit That's dog shit

56:41

cuz that could be yeah, what

56:43

if his name was song

56:45

Connery? I know, yeah, it's really

56:47

bad. But you're under stress.

56:49

He's under stress at the minute.

56:51

And I don't want you

56:53

commenting on the joke being bad.

56:55

I don't want you coming

56:57

to man's hemorrhaging money. He's hemorrhaging

56:59

career opportunities. His cock

57:02

is being burdened by all

57:04

of this and is also not

57:06

being able to function. And

57:08

everything is going bad for him.

57:10

And I want you to

57:13

have empathy because you all see

57:15

him as this young prince,

57:17

the king of France, the emperor

57:19

of Egypt, all these things.

57:21

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard. It's tough

57:23

at the top. It's tough at the

57:25

top. If you combine the two the

57:28

head. Where's the crown? That's right.

57:31

Heavy is the big forehead that wears the crown. If

57:33

you combine our two scores on Thursday

57:35

at bowling, I defeated him. That wasn't easy.

57:38

That's not easy to live with. in

57:40

there, okay? So we need

57:42

outpourings of love, affection. You

57:45

saw how upset he was talking about the visa there.

57:47

Robert, not about the visa. He was not happy. I

57:49

could see in his soul. I could feel the emanation

57:51

of misery. Yeah, I'm struggling to be fun about it.

57:53

You're struggling to be fun. what I mean? I can

57:55

see that. I'm really struggling to be fun about it,

57:57

because I've also just heard nothing. Like, the Mary Wallabers

57:59

had to cancel their North American tour. Did you see

58:01

that? Was that for visa reasons?

58:04

I think it's still visa things. It's also

58:06

mad that, like... kneecap are great, but how

58:08

the fuck are they getting visas? The amount

58:10

of shit they talk. They're a lot of

58:12

fun. They're a lot of fun. And you

58:14

just think, if we don't let them in,

58:17

there'll be a lot of that. They'll be giving us a

58:19

lot fucking guff. On the other hand,

58:21

although you're quite a guffy little man, I

58:23

think it's a Trump thing. I do

58:25

think it is. I've heard that comedians

58:27

have been questioned at the border. Right.

58:30

What are you going to joke about? Honestly,

58:32

I've heard of comedians being asked,

58:34

um, do you make any jokes about

58:36

American politicians? Which is

58:39

a very crazy thing for like the free

58:41

speech, right? Yeah, I've got 10 minutes on

58:43

camera. Fuck up. Let me in.

58:45

I mean, yeah, you just be like, yeah,

58:47

all this stuff about Joe Biden being stupid. Please,

58:49

this way, sir. I've heard... They give you

58:51

a limo tour every record. Comedians, I know, have

58:53

had like their notebooks taken and they like

58:55

look through them to see if any of the

58:57

premises. That's crazy. I mean I'd

58:59

love to see like a border guard looking through your

59:01

notebook trying to make any sense of it. Heading our

59:03

tails of it. Just fucking. Yeah and

59:05

then get really sweaty and start screaming

59:07

at everyone. And then

59:09

look like you're having a mental breakdown and

59:11

then actually have one. Yeah. Yeah. Big

59:14

fun. Listen brothers. Do you have stuff to plug?

59:17

Here's what we're going to talk about on the Patreon, because you

59:19

didn't guess us. Adolescents. the love of

59:21

God. For the love of fucking God, we're going

59:23

to talk about that show. Rory

59:25

McElroy's greatest victory in

59:27

the history of golf. Very

59:29

exciting. Greatest, greatest... Irish

59:31

sportsperson of all time? Definitely.

59:33

Almost certainly his greatest Irish sportsperson

59:36

of all time. Greatest

59:38

golfing event ever.

59:40

Never in the history

59:43

the world has

59:45

there been... more electrifying,

59:48

or fucking unifying, or

59:50

dramatic fucking experience

59:52

be given to us

59:55

by fucking Goth.

59:57

Yeah. Mother of Jesus.

1:00:00

That was crazy. So,

1:00:02

Mark and Roy, we're gonna talk about that. And I have

1:00:04

some really bad news for Mike. Do you

1:00:06

really? Yeah. Like, it genuine

1:00:08

bad news? No. Oh, sick. It's

1:00:10

just bad news that'll make you

1:00:13

sad about life. Oh. I've

1:00:15

also ordered stuff. Talk about these gigs

1:00:17

I did in Lisbon. There's other stuff.

1:00:19

Anyway, Patreon. Do you have

1:00:22

anything to plug? Yeah. So do you.

1:00:24

Oh, Edinburgh. We're both in Edinburgh

1:00:26

for the full month. And is your tour

1:00:28

going to be on sale? My torch should

1:00:30

be on sale right now. Surely you're going

1:00:32

on sale at the end of the month?

1:00:34

I am. I'm on sale at the end

1:00:36

of April. Just check my website, MikeRiceComedy.com. There's

1:00:38

probably tickets there. I'm going everywhere in Ireland

1:00:40

and the UK. But it's more so the

1:00:42

UK for this round. But also, Vickers Street

1:00:44

is going to be on sale. Dublin, come

1:00:47

to that show. It's been my dream,

1:00:49

my whole life to do Vickers Street.

1:00:51

And I'm fucking doing it. That's the

1:00:53

only thing I ever aim for in

1:00:55

my comedy career. It's happening. Get

1:00:57

tickets online.com. It'll sound like. Yeah, I know

1:00:59

it feels like a big thing to you,

1:01:02

but that'll be that'll sell out and it'll

1:01:04

be an unbelievable show fucking I'm so excited

1:01:06

noise. I'm so excited for you to be

1:01:08

nice and I Have decided to refilm my

1:01:10

stand -up comedy special of who do you

1:01:12

think you are? I am I'll be filming

1:01:14

it in Glasgow I feel like tickets will

1:01:16

be on sale by the time I this

1:01:18

comes out that is my hope that is

1:01:21

my dream I don't know the exact date

1:01:23

yet. We're waiting for availabilities back We're hoping

1:01:25

to film it again at or and more

1:01:27

and it's because I filmed it 13 months

1:01:29

ago and the show has changed a lot

1:01:31

and I've changed a lot. I have a

1:01:33

mustache now and that's important to document on

1:01:35

camera. You're hot right now. That's

1:01:37

very true. That's very true. The reason is

1:01:39

that the show is better and I think that

1:01:42

I would feel like a lunatic putting out

1:01:44

a version of the show that I wasn't proud

1:01:46

of but it's because the tour went unexpectedly

1:01:48

extended. Thanks to all you good cunts. Blah

1:01:50

blah blah blah blah. Glasgow. Hopefully that'll

1:01:52

be on sale. Have a look. I also have

1:01:54

some work in progress in London at the Top

1:01:56

Secret Comedy Club. Just type in my name there.

1:01:58

I have like four across June and July, so

1:02:00

involved with those and I'm at the Edinburgh Fringe

1:02:02

and of the shows are already sold out so

1:02:04

fucking get involved with those if you're planning on

1:02:07

coming to the Edinburgh Fringe book You can see

1:02:09

me and then Mike straight after each other nice

1:02:11

What a thrill. That's unreal. Get on patreon, patreon.com,

1:02:13

forward slash parent thing, and just give us money

1:02:15

for like more fun stuff. That'd be sick. That'd

1:02:17

be so nice And it's gonna so nice. It'd

1:02:19

be so nice. that he signed to the

1:02:21

Patreon. do that And then I'll be so cool

1:02:23

And this Patreon episode is gonna be It's

1:02:25

gonna be so sick. It's gonna be so good.

1:02:27

It's gonna be so good. It's so good.

1:02:29

good. gonna be so good. good. Or even if

1:02:32

you this was bad, like... The gonna be

1:02:34

so gonna be so than this already. I'm gonna

1:02:36

tell gossips about people. that I'm gonna... really

1:02:38

feel about the Jews. Just

1:02:40

sign up to the Patreon. It

1:02:42

really helps us. Please. come

1:02:44

on. Fuck off. Fuck off!