0:04

Welcome to the Moon Beaming

0:07

Podcast. I'm Sarah Faith Gottastiner,

0:09

an artist, author, and intuitive.

0:11

And together we'll explore life

0:14

through a creative and

0:16

spiritual lens. You'll learn

0:18

so much about mysticism,

0:20

creativity, consciousness, depth psychology,

0:22

business, and more. And

0:24

you'll get to listen

0:26

to conversations with luminaries

0:28

that you won't hear

0:30

anywhere else. With

0:32

each episode you'll

0:34

receive insights frameworks

0:36

inspiration and tools

0:39

to help you

0:41

thrive and grow.

0:43

Hello and welcome

0:45

back to moon beaming.

0:48

Welcome back to the

0:50

show. Today's episode

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is brought to you

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by Clear channels. The only

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online weekend retreat.

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where you clear your channel,

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start channeling, attune

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then have everything

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keep going with a

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know, cool, right? I cannot

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wait. This is one of

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my favorite courses that

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I teach. And enrollment ends

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today. Yep. End of

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today. Pacific time. If

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you're listening to this

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on February 26, 2025. Wow.

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It's almost here. I'm so happy.

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Everyone who enrolled, you'll

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get an email from

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us either tonight or

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Thursday morning with everything

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you need. And... I just can't

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wait. It's just really fun.

1:53

I love having these weekend-long

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workshops because you can just

1:57

get everything done and it's...

1:59

not the whole day. It's like half

2:02

of your day so you still can

2:04

like go out for dinner or hang

2:06

out with your partner or do your

2:08

chores or you know go out to

2:10

a movie and I kind of just

2:12

love it. Otherwise this would have been

2:14

maybe a four or five week

2:16

class. I think I'm probably going

2:18

to figure out how to teach

2:20

at least one more weekend online

2:22

retreat kind of thing this

2:24

year too because I just love

2:26

the format of it. All right. Let's

2:29

get into today's episode.

2:31

Today's episode is the second

2:33

part of a quite mini,

2:35

mini series called How I

2:37

Deal With Haters. And it's

2:39

quite mini-meaning. It's just two

2:42

episodes. It was last week,

2:44

and now we're on this

2:46

week's. And the idea, the seat

2:48

of this episode, came from past

2:50

clear channels I have taught. I've

2:52

taught it. I think three or

2:54

four times previously I'm going to

2:57

teach it one more time in

2:59

2025 so if you can't make

3:01

this weekend we will do it

3:03

one more time and then we

3:05

will end it we shall not

3:07

to bring it back because I

3:09

sure have taught it a lot

3:11

but the idea for this episode

3:14

came up within clear channels because

3:16

folks were sharing with the group

3:18

and they're afraid to be

3:20

perceived. People were asking how do

3:22

I overcome this fear or

3:25

this discomfort of sharing my

3:27

work publicly and being

3:30

received to a nebulous

3:32

public, right, which is a

3:34

newsletter. We get into it

3:36

a lot more in clear

3:38

channels. We talk about so

3:40

many different things we can

3:42

do. I also talked a

3:44

lot about this last week

3:46

in part one. But I wanted

3:48

to do this series specifically to

3:51

speak to you if you really

3:53

do want to share yourself and

3:55

your art and your creativity

3:57

and your work and your

3:59

ideas. with the world, maybe you

4:01

run a business that is predominantly one-on-one

4:03

and you want to scale, you want

4:06

to do groups here and there, you

4:08

know, four times a year, a couple

4:10

times a year or something of that

4:13

nature, so you do need to have

4:15

an audience of some kind, a community

4:17

of some kind to do that, but

4:20

you still have this sort of anxiety

4:22

or... Maybe certain things

4:24

have happened to you

4:26

in the past with

4:28

being perceived that are

4:30

adding to this doubt or

4:33

this fear. So this episode

4:35

is more about the inner

4:37

work that we can do

4:40

in order to recover and

4:42

heal around those inner wounds

4:45

and those more, I would

4:47

say, younger parts, you know,

4:50

those... younger parts that might

4:52

be scared and that stop

4:55

us and actually protect us,

4:57

they're like our protector parts,

5:00

that stop us from sharing

5:02

ourselves and our gifts more

5:05

freely. And I'm jokingly slash

5:07

not jokingly calling this episode

5:09

how I deal with

5:11

haters the hater within. Because

5:14

here's the thing, friends. When

5:17

you run a business. Or when

5:19

you're trying anything new and

5:21

you're putting yourself out there

5:24

in any way, whether it's like

5:26

a ceramics series or an

5:28

improv class you're taking, it's

5:30

a spiritual process because

5:33

everything is going to come

5:35

up. This also is similar

5:37

to a process that

5:39

happens with very intimate

5:41

relationships. And I would imagine

5:43

parenting. All your stuff

5:46

comes up. It's a mirror. It's a

5:48

mirror. Or maybe it's

5:50

like an Iowaska trip and

5:52

you've got to confront

5:54

it, you've got to see

5:56

it, you've got to encounter

5:58

it clearly. And you do

6:00

have to deal with it if it

6:03

is holding you back. If

6:05

it is stopping you from living

6:07

the life, you really want to

6:09

live, you have to deal with

6:11

it. You have to transform it.

6:14

You have to process it. You

6:16

have to alcomize it. And to

6:18

be clear, with all of these

6:21

encounters, all your gifts and

6:23

all your strengths will

6:25

be on display as well. All

6:27

the things you are so

6:29

skilled at and you are

6:32

exceptional at are all super

6:34

highlighted in business or in

6:37

intimate partnership or when

6:39

you're trying something new.

6:42

And News Flash, one,

6:44

those skills and those

6:46

strengths can help you with

6:48

your wounds and your

6:51

challenges. And News Flash,

6:53

one of my beliefs is that

6:55

we are literally here

6:57

on this planet. Two, grow

6:59

and heal and do shadow

7:01

work. It's literally one

7:04

of the reasons why we are

7:06

here. And often, that includes

7:09

being quite uncomfortable and

7:11

having to really look

7:14

at ourselves unwaveringly and

7:17

change certain patterns, dynamics,

7:19

behaviors, beliefs that might

7:22

not even be natural

7:25

to us. This is shadow

7:27

work, this is change

7:29

work. Most of these

7:31

beliefs and these behaviors

7:33

began between the ages

7:35

of zero and seven.

7:37

They mimic or they

7:39

extend what we encountered

7:42

when we were the most

7:44

vulnerable, the most impressionable,

7:46

and that is those

7:49

ages. Also some of

7:51

the things we're working through

7:54

might be ancestral. It might

7:56

be past life stuff. I know a lot

7:58

of my stuff is past. life stuff

8:00

and we are all here to learn

8:03

our own lessons our own

8:05

core ways of being and

8:07

situations will happen they will

8:09

come up in our lives to help

8:11

us develop not

8:13

only relationally and

8:16

materially and develop maturity

8:18

but also to develop

8:20

spiritually and if you

8:22

need more on that

8:25

and my perspective on that

8:27

you can download the Mystic

8:29

Vision workshop, I go into

8:31

all of that in depth

8:34

there. But this episode, how

8:36

I deal with Haters, The

8:38

Hater Within. So we're

8:40

going to focus more on

8:42

the personal. In last

8:44

episode, I talked

8:46

more about societal

8:49

things, like societal

8:51

influences that can influence

8:53

getting hate existing

8:56

on the internet. In this

8:58

episode, I'm going to go

9:00

deep and I'm going to

9:03

share certain beliefs and mistakes

9:05

I made through my business

9:07

and life and with some

9:10

certain relationships that

9:12

culminated in a

9:15

slander campaign on myself and

9:17

I guess you would call

9:19

it a mini cancellation some

9:22

years back. I'm sharing this

9:24

today with you because I

9:26

know. that some of you are

9:28

afraid of exactly this

9:31

happening. That's what you

9:33

are saying when you're saying

9:35

you don't want to be

9:37

perceived. You are saying you

9:39

don't want any negativity

9:41

or judgment as a

9:44

result of sharing yourself

9:46

in more public ways

9:48

or sharing your work in

9:50

more public ways. You're

9:52

saying you don't want to

9:54

be. made fun of or

9:56

you don't want certain peers

9:58

or parents. or certain friends

10:01

or certain work colleagues to

10:03

judge you. That's what I think you're

10:05

saying, at least I could be wrong.

10:08

You can let me know if you're

10:10

saying something else, but that's what I

10:12

think you're saying. So I wanted to

10:15

share my actual experience in

10:17

this. And so last week, I

10:19

shared how I deal with more

10:21

like anonymous. feedback, I

10:23

guess you could say, you know,

10:25

with just like people I don't

10:27

know, but they think they know

10:30

me, right? Like a more parasocial

10:32

kind of thing. I talked about

10:34

how I dealt with that. So

10:36

you can go back if you

10:38

haven't listened to that one and

10:40

listen to it. now because I

10:42

think you'll find it helpful as

10:44

a setting as a context to

10:46

what we're going to talk about

10:48

more today and I also share

10:50

links to resources and other people

10:52

who are talking about the

10:55

internet and parasociality

10:57

and all that. And so in

10:59

this episode I'm going to break

11:01

down the mistakes I made as

11:03

a result of my

11:06

conditioning and some of my

11:08

trauma and some of my wounds,

11:10

and I share about what

11:12

I had to change, what

11:14

I had to do, what

11:16

I would have done differently,

11:18

to stop certain patterns of

11:21

harm and inappropriate behavior that

11:23

was happening to me in my

11:25

life. So before I get into the

11:27

story and everything else, I

11:30

just have a few caveats,

11:32

right? So the first is, I'm

11:34

not going to go into any

11:36

detail. I'm going to mention

11:38

gnarly things that happen. I'm going

11:41

to mention like not pleasant things

11:43

that happen and I'm going to

11:45

probably use the word trauma and

11:47

I'm probably going to use the

11:50

word wound or inner child healing

11:52

or root cause healing and things

11:54

like that. But I'm not going

11:56

to go into super detail about

11:59

anything. But... If hearing someone

12:01

talk about uncomfortable

12:03

things, makes you uncomfortable,

12:05

please, please, please, please, please

12:08

turn off the episode, go listen

12:10

to some Mr. Rogers or Bob

12:12

Ross or some easy listening, you

12:15

know, don't listen to this episode.

12:17

You know, I don't want you

12:19

to get activated around anything

12:21

I share about what happened

12:24

to me. The next is, if you

12:26

want to work with me, And you

12:28

think that knowing certain

12:31

information about me being a

12:33

human being and having my own

12:35

issues that I am always working

12:37

through is going to change something

12:40

about the way you relate to

12:42

me, then also probably don't listen.

12:45

I want to give you

12:47

that offering so that you

12:49

can make a consensual choice

12:51

there. And also I'm partially

12:53

sharing. because a realization

12:56

I came to in

12:58

my life in the

13:01

last several years in

13:03

terms of practitioners, teachers,

13:05

guides, I work with, is

13:07

I need teachers, coaches,

13:10

guides who've been through

13:12

a lot, who've been

13:14

through Helen back. And

13:16

they've come out the

13:18

other side, resolved,

13:21

integrated, joyful.

13:23

alive, vibrant, you know,

13:25

it's been very helpful

13:28

to me personally

13:30

to know certain

13:32

background around them so that

13:34

I know that we have a

13:36

similar perspective, you

13:38

know, it's really

13:41

one thing that I need

13:43

for myself and similarly you

13:45

might need. certain things in

13:47

your teachers or your coaches

13:50

or your guides or your

13:52

facilitators. You know, maybe you

13:54

need someone who's the same

13:57

gender sexuality or race as

13:59

you are. Maybe you need

14:01

someone who's the same age

14:03

or who is from the

14:05

same country as you or

14:08

who has a similar disability

14:10

as you do. I know

14:12

for me, I can't take

14:14

advice or guidance from very,

14:16

very, very privileged people who

14:19

haven't experienced some of the

14:21

setbacks that I have, right?

14:23

Better to connect to folks

14:25

who have a similar perspective

14:27

and who have dealt with

14:30

similar things and are still

14:32

living a beautiful life, you

14:34

know? And the last thing I

14:36

do want to share before I

14:38

start is I don't, I definitely

14:40

don't need your pity. I would

14:43

really appreciate it if you

14:45

understand that I'm sharing this from

14:47

a resolved place and that is

14:49

in fact. One of the things

14:52

we talk a lot about in

14:54

clear channels. When do we share? What

14:56

do we share? With who do we

14:58

share? How do we share?

15:00

We talk about this extensively

15:03

in clear channels because it's

15:05

really, really, really important to

15:08

think about where we're sharing

15:10

things and to think about our

15:12

own boundaries and our own privacy

15:14

and things like that. And the

15:17

reason why I'm sharing a little

15:19

bit about this is I'm not

15:21

ashamed of what happened to me,

15:23

you know. I've recovered from it,

15:25

I've resolved from it, and so

15:28

I'm all right to use it

15:30

as a teaching tool for other

15:32

people. It's literally my life and

15:34

I'm not ashamed of anything that

15:36

has happened to me in my

15:38

life because I love myself and

15:40

I'm so lucky to have some

15:43

close friends and an incredible partner.

15:45

who can support me when I'm going

15:47

through really hard times, you know, and

15:49

a lot of people supported me when

15:51

I went through this because I needed

15:54

it, I really needed it, and I

15:56

do appreciate your empathy, and when I

15:58

ask of you is that you... that empathy

16:00

to yourself and to other people.

16:03

You literally never know what

16:05

others are going through. You literally

16:08

don't know if someone is

16:10

dealing with a serious illness

16:12

or some kind of trauma

16:14

or a family member who

16:16

needs care, health condition stuff,

16:18

or losing a job. You know,

16:21

there's so many things that everyone's

16:23

going through or like me where

16:25

I was. in a lawsuit over

16:27

people literally using my name

16:29

for their intellectual property without

16:32

my consent, you know? So

16:34

as much as you can, one thing

16:36

I've learned in my older age

16:39

is, at least I'll just speak

16:41

for myself, I really try to

16:43

withhold judgment about other people because

16:45

I really don't know what other

16:47

people are dealing with and it's

16:49

not useful. And I think we

16:51

were sort of... taught, at

16:54

least by media or in

16:56

some ways, that there is

16:58

some kind of like lily

17:00

pad or home plate or

17:02

level or place that

17:04

they'll reach it and

17:06

then everything's okay and

17:08

that everything's okay. And

17:11

there's no worries and

17:13

end scene, you know. And

17:15

again, in my old age,

17:17

I can assure you, life

17:19

just isn't like that. And

17:21

I think a lot of

17:23

people will project and assume

17:25

that someone doesn't have any

17:27

problems or they're not facing

17:29

adversity in their private life

17:31

because they seem relatively okay.

17:33

You know, and again, let's stop making

17:36

assumptions about people. And honestly, I'm

17:38

kind of here for those who've

17:40

been through a lot, but through

17:43

the way they operate, others kind

17:45

of assume they've had an easy

17:47

life because they make things look

17:49

easy. Because ease. and grace

17:51

and flow are qualities I'm

17:54

always trying to cultivate and

17:56

they are qualities that are

17:58

to be cultivated. given due

18:01

to circumstances. You can

18:04

cultivate ease and grace

18:06

in the emergency room at

18:08

two in the morning, and

18:11

you can be angry and

18:13

entitled and rude at

18:15

a five-star resort

18:17

on a beautiful desert island,

18:20

you know? So that's

18:22

what I've got. Let's

18:25

get into today's episode.

18:35

So I'm going to guide

18:37

this recount in this

18:40

episode really with sharing about

18:42

the mistakes I made, the

18:44

shadows I had, the wounds

18:47

that I was dealing

18:49

with that led to

18:51

definitely one of the

18:53

hardest business situations I've

18:55

ever been involved in,

18:57

as well as, like

18:59

I said, I was the

19:01

recipient of an

19:04

extended public slander

19:06

campaign. This in terms

19:08

of, you know, haters and da

19:11

da da da da da da.

19:13

This was the hardest

19:15

thing in this realm

19:17

because it involved

19:19

relationships that I

19:22

had with people I cared

19:24

for and relationships with

19:26

people who I truly

19:29

believed were my true

19:31

friends and true community.

19:34

It's pretty easy for me

19:36

to be able to deal

19:38

with trolls, copycats, projections

19:41

from strangers on

19:43

the internet, etc,

19:46

etc, etc. Part

19:48

of what you do is

19:50

you become... a more skilled

19:52

master of energy, and not

19:55

letting it enter your space

19:57

and understanding it's not personal.

20:00

when it involves those you welcomed

20:02

into your home and whose

20:04

shoulder you've cried on, well

20:06

it is personal, like it

20:08

is personal, and it becomes

20:10

a bit of a different

20:12

impact. And also the reason why

20:14

I'm sharing this with you is

20:16

I want to save you a lot

20:19

of time and a lot of energy

20:21

and suffering. I also really want to

20:23

say, and I might say this a

20:25

couple times in this episode, This

20:27

might not be your work,

20:30

meaning this might not be

20:32

the flavor or the thread

20:34

of your lot in this life

20:36

that is yours to do. But

20:38

what I will say, as a

20:41

trauma survivor, as someone who

20:43

has dealt with, who

20:45

was raised by emotionally

20:47

immature people and narcissists,

20:50

who were also traumatized,

20:52

with a larger history

20:54

of trauma in the

20:57

family and ancestry, there's

20:59

just going to be a

21:01

harder road ahead. We might

21:03

have deeper valleys. We might

21:05

have kind of more rock-bottomy, rock-bottoms,

21:07

you know? And it just might

21:10

not be your lot. You know,

21:12

like, it's just not like my

21:14

partner, it's just not his his

21:17

lot in this lifetime, you know,

21:19

you might share yourself in your

21:21

work with the world. And for

21:24

whatever reason, maybe it's your

21:26

subject matter, maybe you're an

21:28

expert giraffe or you share

21:30

about pine trees or something, you

21:33

know, like, or maybe it's just

21:35

your energy signature. a lot of

21:37

people would chalk it up to

21:40

astrology or human design or something

21:42

like that, right? Maybe you

21:44

never receive any negativity.

21:46

I have a lot of friends who

21:48

share work publicly, who are quite

21:50

well-known, more well-known, I mean, I'm

21:53

not well-known. I mean, like, literal

21:55

people who you would know, I

21:58

guess you'd call it famous. and

22:00

they don't really have that many

22:02

issues. And so I just want to

22:05

put that out there spiritually. We

22:07

all have our own issues that

22:09

will be highlighted in their own

22:11

particular ways, and we're going to

22:14

have our own patterns that are

22:16

going to pattern, and if we

22:18

do not address our unconscious, if

22:20

we do not reprogram

22:22

our subconscious and our subconscious

22:25

beliefs, and if we don't.

22:27

examine our nervous system

22:30

responses in the way our

22:32

energy is set up, they

22:34

will just continue to create

22:36

the same kinds of dynamics

22:39

over and over until we

22:41

stop the pattern and become

22:43

the cycle breaker on every

22:45

level. And sometimes a

22:47

pattern has to really pattern, sometimes

22:50

things have to get really

22:52

in our face and become

22:54

really bad in order for

22:56

us to wake up. to our

22:58

part of the dynamic

23:00

and take accountability. It

23:02

sucks, but it's true,

23:04

you know? And I've

23:06

learned that really one of

23:09

the key parts in

23:11

resolving an issue and

23:13

healing and all of

23:15

that is taking accountability,

23:17

is looking at the beliefs

23:19

you had, the energy you

23:22

were running, the behaviors you

23:24

had, and that's how you

23:26

heal. You look at your

23:29

own places and you do

23:31

the work and the process

23:33

of changing them. And

23:36

no harm or cruelty

23:38

or no abuse is ever

23:40

okay. And you never caused

23:43

anything terrible

23:45

to happen. People have

23:47

to be responsible

23:50

for their own

23:52

behavior. But that being said, a

23:54

lot of times what I have seen

23:56

and what I have experienced is that

23:58

folks who have experienced unhealthy things

24:00

or whatever you want to call

24:03

it, you know, abuse, toxicity, whatever

24:05

it is, they'll often look to

24:07

the person who's creating the harm

24:10

for some kind of resolution or

24:12

some kind of healing which almost

24:15

never happens. So we never want

24:17

to do that and so we

24:19

do have to look at the

24:22

parts of ourselves that stayed as

24:24

long as we did or missed

24:26

some of the red flags. things

24:29

of that nature. And those

24:31

of us who do have

24:34

a trauma history have to

24:36

be especially careful because we

24:39

tend to have a higher

24:41

tolerance for abuse that

24:43

could keep us in

24:45

unhealthy dynamics longer because

24:48

of a lot of

24:50

different reasons. And because

24:52

of past abuse, we

24:54

might be more likely.

24:56

to find ourselves in

24:58

patterns and cycles of

25:01

harm and abuse because

25:03

of this normalization and

25:05

because of certain unconscious

25:07

parts of ourselves. You know, so

25:09

in this particular case,

25:11

a very long time ago, I

25:14

was approached by a couple of

25:16

people I didn't know to create

25:18

a public project with them. And

25:20

so it ended up being

25:22

popular and I ended up...

25:25

running for a few years and

25:27

in a lot of ways it

25:29

was quite fulfilling. It

25:31

gave me a lot of purpose

25:34

and a lot of joy and

25:36

I stand by the work that

25:38

I did. Behind the scenes, the

25:41

experience of this collaboration

25:43

was really not great. There

25:46

were a lot of differences

25:48

in terms of values and

25:50

political views and... I

25:52

was treated really inappropriately and just down

25:55

right not okay. You know, I

25:57

was insulted, I was mistreated, I

25:59

was overwork. It ended up being

26:01

so intolerable and so not okay

26:03

that I decided that I just

26:06

had to leave. I had tried

26:08

a lot of things. I tried

26:10

to change a lot of things.

26:12

I tried to address many many

26:15

things for a very very long

26:17

time before I left. It just

26:19

didn't work. like behaviors didn't change,

26:22

dynamics didn't change, in fact

26:24

it only got worse every

26:26

time I tried to address things

26:28

and the same kinds of things

26:31

kept happening and so I just I

26:33

really had no choice but to leave

26:35

and in the meantime because this

26:37

project went on for quite

26:39

a while I ended up creating a

26:41

business out of it. So there was

26:44

a business between the three of us

26:46

that needed to be dissolved when I

26:48

left and so I left really

26:50

trying to be on great

26:53

terms. I just shared that

26:55

I was really busy with

26:57

life and I had too

26:59

much going on and unfortunately

27:01

I had to end

27:04

my involvement in

27:06

this project. I gave

27:08

several months notice and

27:10

then I requested that we

27:13

figure out how to dissolve

27:15

the business part. and I

27:17

suggested hiring a mediator to

27:19

help us figure out how

27:21

best to do all of

27:24

this. And so as a

27:26

response, my collaborators locked

27:28

me out of the business and

27:30

all the aspects of the project

27:32

in the middle of the night.

27:34

They hired a corporate lawyer and

27:37

threatened me. They said everything

27:39

belonged to them, and they

27:41

continued to release the project

27:43

to the public with me

27:45

as part of it. while

27:47

also beginning a smear and

27:49

misinformation campaign about me, while

27:51

they continued to use my

27:53

name on the project after

27:55

I specifically asked them to

27:57

take it off. And I'm not even

27:59

sharing. the real stuff. Do you

28:01

know what I mean? I know you

28:03

can hear I'm not even sharing

28:06

like other stuff. This alone,

28:08

like this alone absolutely would

28:10

have put me in therapy,

28:13

given me pause, and had me

28:15

check myself like, babe, babe,

28:18

how did you let something

28:20

like this happen? All of that,

28:22

just that what I just

28:24

shared, would of course have me

28:27

looking in the mirror. and questioning.

28:29

Whoa, babe, you need to figure

28:31

out what you did. You need

28:34

to look at what you didn't

28:36

see that allowed that kind

28:38

of explosive and nuclear

28:40

situation to happen. Because

28:43

again, we love accountability

28:45

here, and when something like

28:47

at that level happens, there

28:50

is something that has to

28:52

be processed and excavated and

28:54

figured out, you know. That

28:56

alone would have been enough for

28:58

me to do a ton of

29:00

inner child work and shadow work

29:03

for sure, because we know every

29:05

negative pattern you have in

29:07

your life, these ones that repeat

29:09

over and over in the micro

29:11

and in the macro, is often

29:13

again this result of how you

29:16

were raised from a young age,

29:18

certain big events that happen

29:20

in your world, your nervous

29:22

system state, your capacity, certain

29:24

things you don't want to

29:27

see about your behavior, that

29:29

also often ends up running

29:31

the show and also ends

29:33

up expressing itself through

29:36

repetition compulsion, aka you

29:38

will put yourself in familiar

29:41

kinds of situations so you

29:43

feel the same thing over

29:45

and over again in some

29:47

kind of way to gain

29:49

some kind of control. Sometimes

29:51

it's your... inner child's unmet

29:53

needs and your subconscious beliefs

29:56

you hold about yourself in

29:58

the world. So we'll get into... to bees

30:00

today, you know. But I'll just

30:03

finish up the last part.

30:05

All of that would have been

30:07

enough to give me pause and

30:10

get me into some serious

30:12

self-excavation processing.

30:15

Huge wake-up call, right?

30:17

But the part that really

30:19

got me, the part that

30:21

actually really shook me

30:23

and really did the

30:26

most devastation was... A

30:28

long-term, many years long,

30:30

ongoing slander campaign

30:33

publicly and also

30:36

against me that resulted

30:38

in losing friends, losing

30:41

greater community, and

30:44

just experiencing a ton

30:46

of people I trusted

30:48

or thought were my

30:51

friends turning on me that

30:53

these former collaborators

30:56

undertook. with quite a

30:58

bit of stamina, I would say.

31:01

So for years, not only was

31:03

I experiencing random internet hate just

31:05

from people who didn't know me

31:08

and just whatever, that was last

31:10

episode, but there was a ton

31:12

of people who had read a

31:15

lot of lies and slanderous

31:17

statements about me saying all

31:19

of these untrue things that

31:21

would come out of the woodwork

31:24

frequently. I had to deal also

31:26

with people that I really thought

31:28

I was in community with and

31:31

literal friends with totally turn

31:33

on me and drop me as a

31:35

result of this. There was like a

31:37

huge before and a huge after

31:39

all of this happened. It was

31:42

very clear what was happening. The

31:44

beginning it was a little bit

31:46

confusing as people started icing

31:49

me essentially. But it ended up being

31:51

clear what was going on and it

31:53

just was a huge betrayal and it

31:55

was a really big heartbreak and it

31:58

really shook me for the years. it

32:00

was very, very much in effect.

32:02

And so like if you saw me

32:04

as being part of some witch

32:06

world and then you didn't, a

32:08

couple things happened. One,

32:10

these former collaborators led

32:12

this effective slander campaign against

32:14

me and people I thought

32:17

that I was in community

32:19

with and friends with dropped

32:21

me. Like I literally never

32:23

heard from them again. I lost

32:25

a lot of opportunities in connections

32:28

based on... all of the things

32:30

they were saying about me.

32:33

And two, after having

32:35

essentially no one, almost

32:37

no one, communicate with

32:39

me about this or address

32:41

what was going on

32:43

with me directly, I stepped

32:46

away because I realized

32:48

that these were people I thought

32:50

I could trust. And I could

32:52

not, I could not trust them.

32:54

And I didn't want to be

32:57

in community with these people or

32:59

give my energy and my care

33:01

to folks who can't even connect

33:03

with me and have a conversation

33:05

with me after hearing wild

33:08

rumors, let alone not have my

33:10

back or support me on any

33:12

level. after I supported them. You

33:14

know, these were people that were

33:17

in my house and I had

33:19

fed. These were people I had

33:21

fundraised thousands of dollars for and

33:24

given career opportunities for, like, this

33:26

is how I'd treat people I'm

33:28

friends with, right? People I thought

33:31

I was in a trustworthy, intimate

33:33

relationship with, and people I was

33:35

really vulnerable with and told parts

33:37

of my private life too, just all

33:40

turned on me. And... then of course

33:42

there were just people who I thought

33:44

we had a good relationship with, I

33:46

thought we were colleagues, and then they

33:49

just dropped me. It was like I

33:51

did not exist. And I will

33:53

say here, experiencing the shock and

33:56

the disappointment and the betrayal on

33:58

how easily someone who you thought

34:00

was a part of your life

34:02

and you thought you were building

34:05

something together and growing something

34:07

together could turn on you. It

34:09

was just a lot, you know, because

34:12

one thing I will say is... I'm

34:14

really really sensitive and I'm

34:17

sure that y'all know this.

34:19

I'm like there's like this

34:22

Lisa Simpson meme and she's

34:24

like I like flowers and

34:26

music and clouds and animals

34:29

like at my core I

34:31

just want everyone to get

34:34

along I just want everyone

34:36

to be in harmony I

34:38

just want everyone to

34:41

feel cared for, and that's

34:43

the energy I try to

34:45

put out, you know, and

34:48

I'm very, very sensitive. And

34:50

I found myself in a

34:52

scenario in which I was

34:55

suddenly incredibly unsafe.

34:57

I was incredibly

34:59

unsafe and I didn't know

35:02

who I could trust and

35:04

people I thought were... to

35:06

be trusted were not. It was

35:08

wild. And another facet of it

35:10

being really unnerving, which I'll start

35:13

my inner hater aid exploration

35:15

with, is that all these

35:17

folks I'm talking about identify

35:19

as leftists or progressives or

35:21

against cruelty or signaled really

35:24

clearly to the world that

35:26

they were feminists or witches

35:29

against the patriarchy or whatever

35:31

else. And that's where I

35:34

will start. about the

35:36

mistakes. Here we are. We're

35:38

finally here at this part.

35:40

You always want to

35:43

start with the assumptions

35:45

you have that could

35:47

be distorting your

35:49

vision and obstructing you

35:51

from seeing things clearly. And

35:54

I'm going to start with

35:56

two that I think

35:58

a lot of... people

36:00

also have that I had, and

36:02

as a result, I don't have

36:04

anymore. And they sound really basic,

36:07

but I do think that we

36:09

make these assumptions, and I do

36:11

think they get us in trouble.

36:13

The first is an identity

36:16

or kind of political

36:18

affiliation, some kind of

36:20

signaling that people do as

36:22

being an indicator of someone's

36:24

character or the values

36:26

that they're going to behave

36:29

in. I assumed that these

36:31

folks had the same values

36:33

as I did and would

36:35

behave in the same ways

36:38

because they told me they

36:40

had the same politics as

36:42

I had, you know, progressive,

36:45

leftists, all of that. And

36:47

so I assumed, and I'm

36:49

using the word assumed, pointedly,

36:52

because we know that assumptions aren't

36:55

great. I assumed they would act

36:57

in the same ways and integrity

37:00

that I would. So there became

37:02

this grouping of that. And quite

37:04

frankly, just because someone has

37:06

a particular political stance or

37:09

political identity that they share

37:11

with you, it doesn't make

37:13

them exactly the same as

37:15

you, it doesn't make them

37:17

have the same values as

37:19

you or want to adhere

37:21

to the same ethics or

37:23

standards or something as you

37:26

would, and it just isn't

37:28

something to count on. And

37:30

I totally counted on that.

37:32

I totally did, and it was

37:34

really naive of me. The way

37:37

now I will assess someone's character

37:39

is through their actions over time.

37:41

That's it. you know, and that was

37:43

my next mistake and I

37:46

will also caution you against

37:48

making it, whether it be

37:50

a romantic partnership or a

37:52

business collaborator, and that is

37:54

jumping into a big project with

37:56

people you don't know. I did not

37:58

know these people. We really didn't

38:01

have any mutual friends and when

38:03

I look back I really should

38:06

have taken time just to get

38:08

to know them for a few

38:10

months before jumping into

38:13

a really large committed

38:15

project with them and

38:17

intertwining my intellectual property

38:19

and my hard work

38:21

and my literal name with

38:24

essentially people I didn't

38:26

know. I will never make that

38:28

mistake. Again. If I were to

38:31

jump into a big project

38:33

with people, I did not

38:35

know. This is the next

38:37

thing I didn't do that

38:40

I would do. Here's the

38:42

next thing. And this

38:44

is creating a legally

38:46

binding contract

38:48

that protects every

38:50

single person involved

38:53

equally through many

38:56

different scenarios. This is

38:58

a big thing that you need to

39:00

always do. Really, I don't care if

39:02

you just think it's not going

39:04

to go anywhere or you're just

39:07

creating a puzzle with

39:09

someone that you're just going

39:11

to be playing with on

39:13

Sunday nights. If you are going

39:15

to be putting hard work and

39:17

hard labor and your time and

39:19

your energy and your name to

39:22

something with other people that you

39:24

do not know. Create a contract

39:26

a legally binding contract that's like

39:29

signed by a notary and all

39:31

of that That protects

39:33

all parties equally no matter what

39:35

Happens and think through all the

39:38

worst-case scenarios because all of us

39:40

are not thinking about that at

39:42

the beginning. You're so hopeful you

39:45

love the people you're in the

39:47

honeymoon phase. You just you just

39:50

met and you're eating chocolate and

39:52

gazing into each other's eyes, you know,

39:54

but The person you

39:56

divorce is not the person

39:59

you marry. The person you

40:01

marry is not the person you

40:03

divorce. Obviously, there are exceptions.

40:06

If you're conscious uncoupling and

40:08

your daughter's name is Apple,

40:10

it is. And bless them.

40:13

Bless them to the moon

40:15

and back. But for most

40:18

of us human beings, we

40:20

change when we feel scared,

40:22

threatened, like we're going to

40:25

lose something wronged in

40:27

some way, right? And... Not to

40:29

get two in the weeds, but

40:31

a lot of folks will use

40:33

a request for a contract against

40:36

the person asking for

40:38

the contract. Knowing what I

40:41

know now, that's a

40:43

red flag. Again, if

40:45

you're doing anything very

40:47

major with someone around

40:49

resources, time, risk, investment,

40:51

likeness, your name, etc.

40:53

You need a notarized,

40:56

legally, binding, binding. contract.

40:59

A lot of folks will say, oh come

41:01

on, like, why are you so uptight?

41:03

Like, we don't need that. And if

41:06

someone does that to you, that

41:08

might be your sign to not

41:10

continue doing something with that person.

41:12

So that was the next mistake

41:15

I made. There was no protective

41:18

contract at all. And... I

41:21

didn't do it and I really

41:23

had to learn the hard way

41:25

because I learned what people could

41:28

do and what they couldn't

41:30

do if there wasn't a

41:32

contract. And let's go a

41:34

little bit deeper now. The

41:37

inner child stuff. The overriding

41:39

of intuition stuff. If

41:42

we are not careful

41:44

relationally, our inner child's unmet

41:46

needs are going to be running

41:49

the show. or maybe it's

41:51

our shadow archetypes will

41:54

step in for us. They

41:56

might do anything and

41:58

sacrifice any. to get

42:00

those needs or that belonging

42:03

met. And for me, one

42:05

of my inner child's

42:07

yearnings, but probably

42:09

like my inner teen, really

42:12

if I'm being honest with

42:14

it, one of my inner

42:16

teen's longings was to be

42:19

part of a coven or

42:21

a group of powerful magical.

42:23

feminine people, women, queer

42:25

folks to help change the

42:27

world. Like I always, that's always

42:30

been one of my dreams is

42:32

like joining together, you know,

42:34

in a kind of sisterhood

42:37

or chosen family situation, helping

42:39

those who needed it, joining

42:41

together, collaborating and so on.

42:44

And that is exactly what

42:46

I was promised. Exactly

42:48

what these folks were telling me

42:50

in the beginning. that you know

42:53

we were going to be sisters

42:55

and we were going to change

42:58

the world together and we knew

43:00

each other in a past life

43:02

and and and and and y'all

43:05

this is how and why people

43:07

join cults right it's that promise

43:09

of our inner unheeled child parts

43:12

what they wanted you know and

43:14

so like pretty soon in you

43:16

know definitely less than a

43:18

year in the situation It was

43:20

clear it was not right.

43:23

It did not feel right.

43:25

My intuition and my

43:27

gut was telling me this

43:29

was not right. So why did

43:31

I stay? Why did I stay? Even

43:33

though my intuition told me

43:36

this wasn't right for me.

43:38

We can apply this to

43:41

any relationship or anything

43:43

else. And really, it's complex

43:45

and it's obviously for person

43:47

to person. But I'm just

43:49

going to speak to some

43:51

common threads I have noticed

43:54

in myself and other trauma

43:56

survivors. We need to be careful

43:58

of a couple of different... things.

44:00

And the first

44:02

is normalization of

44:04

negative situations or

44:07

not-okay situations. Many of

44:09

us have been so used to

44:11

being mistreated it's

44:13

normal for us. So we

44:16

develop a large tolerance for

44:18

certain kinds of behavior that

44:21

other healthier folks might leave

44:23

in a shorter period of

44:25

time. You know, they might leave

44:28

a couple not okay. times

44:30

in. Someone who had

44:32

secure attachment style,

44:35

who really had

44:38

experienced unconditional love

44:40

for decades of their

44:42

life, would probably

44:44

find themselves in

44:47

a unhealthy situation

44:49

and they would probably bow

44:52

out. But if we

44:54

have a history of

44:56

mistreatment, combined

44:59

with being told that

45:01

what we are experiencing

45:04

isn't happening, or that we

45:06

are wrong, or that we

45:08

are making up something, and

45:10

everything is getting swept

45:13

under the rug and

45:15

never discussed, often we

45:17

will override our own

45:19

intuition. Why? Because it's

45:22

familiar. It's very familiar

45:24

to how we grew up.

45:26

You know. We all have our

45:28

own specific challenges and vulnerabilities

45:31

and unconscious parts. And

45:33

so that's one of

45:35

mine. That's one of mine I

45:37

have to be really careful of. And

45:39

it goes back to a couple

45:41

of beliefs that got implanted in

45:44

my subconscious as a child

45:46

being raised by a narcissist

45:49

who is also abusive. And

45:51

these won't make sense logically. Like

45:53

as an adult, as an adult

45:55

person, I know that these logically

45:58

don't make sense, okay? but

46:00

our inner child stuff and

46:02

our shadow stuff doesn't

46:04

make sense because it's a

46:07

very, very young part. So

46:09

the first belief that was

46:12

uncovered as a result of

46:14

this situation was

46:16

that automatically the

46:18

person mistreating you, the

46:21

person being cruel to you,

46:23

the person asserting dominance

46:26

over you, is more valuable

46:28

than you. you are less

46:31

valuable than them, which

46:33

means that what they think

46:35

is more valuable than

46:37

what you think. It means

46:39

that what they experience is

46:42

more valuable than what

46:44

you experience, and

46:46

it counts more. Or just

46:48

what you're going through

46:50

isn't important, because,

46:53

you know, the per- I'll just use

46:55

the dominator. I'll use that

46:57

as a term, just to-

46:59

not keep going with

47:01

narcissism because it happens

47:03

in all kinds of setups,

47:06

right? Because the dominator

47:08

needs their reality and

47:10

their feelings and their perspective

47:13

and their narrative to be

47:15

the correct and only one.

47:18

It's a reality domination

47:20

battle. Like it's how

47:22

you control other people's

47:25

realities. Nothing for the

47:27

narcissist is allowed to exist

47:29

outside of what they say

47:31

and what they think is

47:34

happening. And so that got

47:36

triggered for me really hardcore

47:39

unknowingly because the

47:41

setup was really similar to

47:43

my familial dynamic with the

47:46

drama triangle and control drama

47:48

and power plays and all

47:51

kinds of super unhealthy, chaotic,

47:53

And there hasn't been the

47:56

fully healed inner child or

47:58

a fully aware... unconscious,

48:00

I think that part goes numb

48:03

or parts of us go numb

48:05

and then the part of us

48:07

that is unheeled or much

48:09

younger steps forward to keep

48:12

going into that repetition compulsion.

48:14

And so when you have

48:16

someone saying that what you're

48:19

saying is happening isn't

48:21

happening and then simultaneously

48:23

saying we're going to

48:25

change the world through our

48:28

good deeds. then these parts start

48:30

to get confused and they start

48:32

to get enmeshed and they start

48:34

to over couple and things

48:36

get confusing. And so another

48:39

layer came in of subconscious

48:41

programming which was instead of

48:43

leaving my intuition was on point

48:46

and this is what I want to

48:48

tell you your intuition is on point

48:50

even though you didn't leave or

48:52

you didn't take action because

48:54

my intuition also knew that something

48:56

really not okay is going

48:59

to happen if they try

49:01

to leave. And people don't

49:03

often talk about that with

49:06

survivors and not leaving, you

49:08

know, when there's harm being

49:10

done. And survivors actually have

49:13

an amazing protective mechanism and

49:15

they have incredible intuition because

49:17

they often can sense that

49:19

something really not okay is

49:21

going to happen if they try

49:23

to leave. So there was that. But

49:25

instead of leaving a couple other

49:27

maladaptive responses kicked in, and the

49:29

first was this feeling of guilt

49:31

and this feeling of obligation to

49:33

our greater audience, I really felt

49:35

like I was helping people through

49:37

the project and felt like certain

49:40

dynamics that were happening behind the

49:42

scenes weren't as important as helping other

49:44

people. And I really judged myself,

49:46

and I really thought I should be bigger. I should

49:48

be bigger. I should be bigger. I should be bigger.

49:51

I should be bigger. I should be bigger. I should

49:53

be bigger. I should be bigger. I should be bigger.

49:55

then, you know, like that the

49:57

good, the greater whole, the

50:00

greater good mattered more. You know,

50:02

I needed to become the bigger

50:04

person, essentially, and I just needed

50:06

better boundaries, right? Like, this is

50:08

what I would tell. I just

50:10

need better boundaries. I just need

50:12

to behave better. I just need

50:14

to think about the greater bigger

50:17

picture, you know, it's not that

50:19

big a deal, right? We downplay

50:21

our intuition a lot. On the show I've

50:23

had episodes on shadow archeotypes, like the martyr,

50:25

like that's one of that, right? I just

50:27

need to hang in there because everyone's saying

50:30

we're helping them, you know, all of that,

50:32

oh God, right? Like I'm sharing it. This

50:34

is like parts that we all have though.

50:36

That's why I'm not ashamed of it. The other

50:39

is the mule archetype. When I share about

50:41

this archetype in my classes, so many of

50:43

the people in the classes are like immediately,

50:45

no, they're like, I am the mule. You

50:47

don't say anything, you grin and bear it, you

50:49

just stay the path, you just stay the path, you

50:51

keep working, you keep working, you over work, you

50:53

over work, you over work, you over work. And

50:55

that is like the, probably the

50:58

combination of the martyr and the

51:00

mule and the inner child wanting

51:02

love and belonging. So when I

51:05

decided to create a business from

51:07

the project, because I think my

51:09

weird logic was like, okay, I'm spending

51:11

all this time and energy on this

51:13

project, so I guess I should just

51:16

make it a job. I'll make it

51:18

another job. And then that will. make

51:20

it feel worth it. Maybe that will

51:23

make my colleagues love me and value

51:25

me for doing all of this and

51:27

it will change the dynamic and I'll

51:30

finally feel like I belong. Gentle

51:32

listener, that didn't happen. Shocking

51:35

absolutely no one but my

51:37

subconscious and my inner child parts,

51:39

right? And so all of this boils

51:42

down to certain beliefs that are

51:44

held in the subconscious that I needed

51:46

to heal. I needed to look at

51:48

and I needed to heal. In our

51:50

containers this year so far I've talked

51:53

a lot about this because I do

51:55

think they are the keys and the

51:57

codes to our individual and collective he

52:00

and these are what I call the

52:02

three esses of

52:04

colonialism, shame, scarcity,

52:06

and separation. We all

52:08

have these wounds that are

52:10

unique to us in our

52:12

experience, but essentially any

52:15

suffering you experience,

52:17

any suffering you experience

52:19

for a prolonged period

52:22

of time, that's really

52:24

intense, comes from shame.

52:26

scarcity and separation. And

52:28

it comes in in subtle

52:30

and very extreme ways, right?

52:33

There's this, it's a spectrum

52:35

of all of them and

52:37

they also all interweave together

52:39

as well. So all thoughts and

52:42

beliefs you have that really cause

52:44

you to suffer greatly can be

52:46

traced back to the three S's

52:49

and shame. tends to be

52:51

I am bad, it's my fault,

52:53

I am broken, there's something wrong

52:55

with me, that's why this is

52:58

happening, that's why I'm

53:00

being treated this way. That's

53:02

shame, we get shame, right?

53:04

I'll get shame. Scarcity can

53:06

come up as I'm not good enough,

53:08

I'm not worthy, so if I work

53:11

and I work and I work and

53:13

I try and I try and I do

53:15

and I do, then I'll be good

53:17

enough. Or it comes up as

53:20

like, I'm never going to be

53:22

enough. I will never be enough.

53:24

Nothing I ever do, nothing I

53:26

ever say, will ever be enough.

53:29

Separation are these thoughts

53:31

and feelings like... you will

53:33

never be able to fully integrate

53:35

or fully connect or fully be

53:37

part of the whole or fully

53:40

belong or fully be whole or

53:42

fully be whole or fully be

53:44

lovable. Like you're literally like you're

53:46

the person looking through the glass

53:48

in the cold at the people

53:50

dining and the restaurant and they're

53:52

all lit up and they're happy and

53:54

they're having a great time and

53:57

you're just like alone and you're

53:59

cold. And so you'll think

54:01

it's that thought process of,

54:03

well, other people can be

54:06

happy, or other people can

54:08

get that thing, but I can't,

54:10

I'm separate. Other people

54:12

can be intuitive or

54:14

create cool projects, I

54:17

can't, somehow I just can't.

54:19

And again, we can see how

54:21

it interweaves with scarcity,

54:24

it interweaves with

54:26

shame. So this is why.

54:28

through a spiritual perspective,

54:31

absolutely everything can be

54:33

used for a lesson. I'm so grateful

54:35

ultimately that this happened

54:37

because what it ended up

54:39

doing was it shed a

54:42

light on everywhere where I

54:44

was codibendant, everywhere where I

54:46

still had inner child stuff,

54:48

anywhere where I had low

54:50

self-worth, where my maladaptive shadow archetypes

54:52

and coping mechanisms, and you know,

54:55

all of that kicked in. It

54:57

showed me where I was unheeled

54:59

and where they were. It was

55:02

like a finger pointing exactly where

55:04

they are and how they connected

55:06

to my upbringing, how they connected

55:09

to childhood, how they connected to

55:11

patterns, nervous system states, and they

55:13

showed me what my assignment was

55:16

ultimately. My assignment essentially was

55:18

to love myself and trust

55:20

my intuition and to forget

55:22

myself. There's a lesson in teaching

55:25

in everything that happens to you

55:27

and Being a skillful player of

55:29

the game or an alchemist is

55:31

to figure out what it is,

55:33

what's on the other end of the

55:36

pole, the other end of the

55:38

extreme, and to begin the process

55:40

to change the pattern and

55:42

to create more secure attachment

55:44

and to resource the self

55:46

in that which the self

55:48

needs for the self, in

55:51

energetic, psychological,

55:53

spiritual, emotional,

55:55

emotional, sensational,

55:57

literal, material ways.

56:00

And this is why,

56:02

like in my humble

56:04

opinion, this is why

56:06

non-duality is crucial. It

56:08

is integral. Yes, it

56:10

makes sense to feel the

56:12

feelings and suffer and grieve

56:14

and feel scared and feel

56:17

betrayed. And there must

56:19

be the understanding that

56:21

if you are being deeply

56:23

triggered, deeply activated,

56:26

that is an unheeled

56:28

wound. or an unheeled need

56:31

from childhood. That

56:33

only you can process, only

56:35

you can resolve, only you

56:38

can close the loop on. No

56:40

one else can give you the

56:42

love or resolve the issue for

56:45

you. You can get help

56:47

with practitioners, therapists,

56:50

trauma professionals,

56:52

very very very good

56:55

friends. you know, people

56:57

you trust, God guides,

56:59

angels, pets, plants, elements,

57:02

ancestors, 1,000 percent,

57:05

1,000 percent. Ultimately,

57:07

it is something that only

57:10

you can meet, though, right?

57:12

I'll tell people, especially

57:14

really self-aware people, that

57:17

you may not have to

57:19

love yourself. You may not

57:21

have to trust yourself.

57:24

but you do have to forgive

57:26

yourself. Because some

57:28

of the betrayal we

57:30

feel comes from betraying

57:33

ourselves and that is

57:35

often the hardest thing

57:38

to face. Some part of us

57:40

might know we did put ourselves

57:43

in an unsafe situation or

57:45

we know we were acting

57:47

out from a certain part.

57:50

Part of us, maybe the

57:53

observer part, the deeper part,

57:55

the wiser part, saw

57:57

that scapegoat part or

57:59

that shadow. stepping up because

58:01

they thought it would save

58:04

everyone and everything.

58:06

Because once upon a

58:08

time it did, except

58:11

it didn't. It didn't

58:13

because it could

58:15

only operate in

58:17

a maladaptive, unhealthy way

58:20

because it was

58:22

in a maladaptive,

58:24

unhealthy place. Remember.

58:26

An unhealthy maladaptive

58:29

response often arises

58:31

because it is in

58:33

a not-okay environment. Not

58:36

always, but sometimes. And

58:38

so the lesson we're here to

58:40

learn is to not outsource

58:42

our dignity and respect

58:45

and love and the

58:47

way we behold ourselves

58:49

to those that are

58:51

cruel and unhealthy and

58:53

they're enacting it on us.

58:55

Right? It's like, we all have

58:57

cruel parts. We all have unhealthy

59:00

parts. It's really about not enacting

59:02

it on other people. That's

59:04

really step one, you know? And

59:06

then subdue is like, do not

59:08

turn on the self, you know?

59:10

And again, these parts of us

59:12

that believe what others tell us

59:14

are usually really young. They're really

59:16

ancient. You know, this can often

59:19

be ancestral work, and it can

59:21

often be collective work as well.

59:23

So... That's the process. All

59:26

of this made me undergo. It

59:28

was very underworld, you know. And

59:30

it was also an awakening process.

59:33

And I'm really grateful for it

59:35

because I know who my true

59:37

friends are. So many people had

59:40

my back and supported me through

59:42

a lot of this. It was long. It

59:44

was a good long time. Almost

59:46

a couple of years of like

59:49

hit after hit after hit. I

59:51

know so much now. about narcissists

59:53

and their behavior. I could teach

59:56

a whole class. I could teach a

59:58

whole, whole, whole, whole. class. So

1:00:00

to all the people who supported

1:00:02

me and who were with

1:00:05

me as I was freaking

1:00:07

out and, you know, not doing

1:00:09

well as a result of

1:00:12

this continued project,

1:00:14

thank you so much. Thank you

1:00:16

so much for letting me

1:00:18

be in my process. And

1:00:20

again, this showed me who isn't

1:00:23

who are not my friends

1:00:25

and who cannot be trusted. And

1:00:27

I'm grateful, especially now in this

1:00:30

current political climate. It showed me

1:00:32

also about larger dynamics with women

1:00:34

and lateral violence with women that

1:00:36

has been going on for ages,

1:00:39

that is patriarchal in nature. I

1:00:41

even ended up finding an article,

1:00:43

I think it might have been

1:00:45

in Ms. Magazine or another feminist

1:00:48

magazine, about the subject called Trashing.

1:00:50

I'll have our producer Daisy look

1:00:52

it up and link it in the

1:00:54

show notes, because I know some of

1:00:57

you have probably dealt with this. And

1:00:59

it's really hard, you know, it's really

1:01:01

hard and also it happens, it's a

1:01:03

thing that happens. The situation

1:01:06

also made me understand all

1:01:08

the ridiculousness and also the

1:01:10

power conversely of the media

1:01:13

and how easy it is

1:01:15

to brainwash people and to

1:01:17

get people to believe the

1:01:19

wildest lies about other people

1:01:22

and it absolutely made me

1:01:24

discerning of everything. It

1:01:26

made me not believe things I

1:01:29

read and see about anyone,

1:01:31

and we're going to see

1:01:33

that more and more. Think

1:01:35

about the Blake Lively, Justin

1:01:37

Baldoni situation, that's just the

1:01:39

latest, but it'll only keep

1:01:41

happening more and more, and

1:01:43

it almost only always happens

1:01:45

to women and to more

1:01:47

marginalized folks. And so being someone

1:01:49

who experienced... the results

1:01:52

of a slander campaign and the loss

1:01:54

that happens, I saw how there can

1:01:56

be a very effective propaganda machine at

1:01:58

work. And if you're good at... using

1:02:00

it as such, you can do damage

1:02:02

to people and you can do damage

1:02:05

to, I mean, look at the

1:02:07

country, you know? The situation made

1:02:09

me look at patterns from childhood.

1:02:11

I tried as a result

1:02:13

to shift patterns with

1:02:15

family members that were

1:02:17

not great. Unfortunately, that

1:02:20

couldn't happen and so

1:02:22

then I stepped away from

1:02:24

them because ultimately... This dynamic

1:02:27

really began in childhood, you

1:02:29

know, unfortunately I have a

1:02:31

caretaker who had a pattern

1:02:33

of publicly humiliating me,

1:02:36

specifically when I would

1:02:38

be successful publicly and who's

1:02:40

tried to destroy me and

1:02:43

destroy my happy relationships

1:02:45

and happiness over and over

1:02:47

again, you know, he would harass

1:02:49

me online, my parent. My parent

1:02:52

would come to classes

1:02:54

unannounced and then insult

1:02:56

me afterwards. He would leave

1:02:59

inappropriate comments on my public

1:03:01

Instagram account for business, and

1:03:03

eventually I had to block

1:03:05

him. And so my dear

1:03:07

Lister, when I say I

1:03:09

know haters, like I mean

1:03:11

it, like I really mean it, you

1:03:13

know? The situation really set off

1:03:16

a whole new process of changing.

1:03:18

myself love, my worth, my

1:03:20

actions toward myself, my nervous system,

1:03:22

like you name it. And out

1:03:25

of all of this whole larger

1:03:27

process came really three great classes

1:03:29

from the Moon Studio, Protection Magic,

1:03:32

better boundaries, and how to feel

1:03:34

your feelings. These were like the

1:03:36

things that came out of that.

1:03:38

And so you know you're alchemizing

1:03:41

when you can take deep pain.

1:03:43

deep challenges and suffering and

1:03:45

turn it into art and

1:03:48

creativity and help others through

1:03:50

self-reflection and ego-death

1:03:52

and energetic clearing

1:03:54

and alchemy practices as

1:03:57

well, essentially. You know you're

1:03:59

learning a... lesson and making

1:04:01

progress based on the change in

1:04:03

length of time that you continue

1:04:05

the pattern. Let's say you get into

1:04:07

a fight, say you have an ongoing

1:04:09

fight with your partner or your kid

1:04:12

about the dishes and we all know

1:04:14

it's not about the dishes but you

1:04:16

have it anyway, you know? And you

1:04:18

know you're making progress when the

1:04:21

argument that usually lasts an

1:04:23

hour, lasts 20 minutes. Then

1:04:25

maybe one day you get vulnerable.

1:04:27

and work towards a solution, and

1:04:29

you change your behavior, and

1:04:32

so on and so forth. We want

1:04:34

to mark the progress that you're making

1:04:36

on how long it takes you to

1:04:38

come back to zero point, center, or

1:04:41

flow, after being confronted with an

1:04:43

original source of your pain.

1:04:45

Maybe it was that you used to

1:04:47

text five friends, going to a

1:04:50

free state, lose four hours of

1:04:52

your life in a total spiral

1:04:54

chaos. Panic. Now, maybe when the

1:04:57

trigger happens, you can soothe yourself.

1:04:59

Maybe it takes just 20 minutes

1:05:01

to process your feelings and move

1:05:03

on. Maybe you text one

1:05:06

friend afterwards because that's

1:05:08

progress. That's major progress.

1:05:10

And that's really how I

1:05:12

think we have to assess our

1:05:15

progress. You don't go from

1:05:17

being a hypervigilant. little

1:05:19

squirrel with little anxious eyes

1:05:21

darting all around and a

1:05:24

mangled tail from all the

1:05:26

times someone tried to eat

1:05:28

you to snow white totally not

1:05:30

a hair out of place a

1:05:33

flower behind the ear birds landing

1:05:35

on fingers and a voice like

1:05:37

a rainbow overnight like you don't

1:05:40

go from mangled chaggy squirrel to

1:05:42

snow white in one day We

1:05:44

hold ourselves up to such high

1:05:46

standards and we forget that it's

1:05:48

a process and we're supposed to

1:05:50

enjoy the process and appreciate the

1:05:52

process because once we do that and

1:05:55

once we slow down it will speed everything

1:05:57

up. And you'll know that

1:05:59

you're making... progress when

1:06:01

you're so loving and you

1:06:04

feel so whole that not

1:06:06

only do you understand

1:06:09

someone or understand

1:06:11

a certain dynamic

1:06:13

and understand your

1:06:16

own energy but you grow

1:06:18

your field to be so

1:06:20

whole so intact that

1:06:22

you in a way

1:06:25

become unappealing. or unmotivating

1:06:27

to folks who want to create

1:06:29

certain dynamics with you,

1:06:32

who want to utilize your

1:06:34

energy in certain ways, and

1:06:36

possibly over time, you change

1:06:38

your energy so much that

1:06:40

you become almost invisible than

1:06:42

certain people. Like, certain people

1:06:45

can't even really see you

1:06:47

to even, like, start up

1:06:49

with you. And that does

1:06:51

happen eventually, and it's incredible,

1:06:54

and it's amazing. And

1:06:56

the last few bits I'll share

1:06:58

to close is, you know, I don't

1:07:00

think something like this will

1:07:02

happen to you. I'm not sharing

1:07:04

this to, like, make you get

1:07:06

nervous. I think I needed

1:07:08

to learn this spiritually in my

1:07:11

core and my lifetime. This

1:07:13

particular wisdom of self-love

1:07:16

and self-worth and trust

1:07:18

and wholeness was specifically

1:07:20

designed for me in

1:07:22

this specific way in

1:07:24

this specific way. And if

1:07:26

you're going through situations that

1:07:28

feel very specific, congratulations.

1:07:31

It means you're being asked to

1:07:33

transform and to turn more and

1:07:35

more of what is going on

1:07:37

into love, creativity, faith, courage,

1:07:40

and tuition to alcomize it. You

1:07:42

know? But I did want to share

1:07:44

about my experience because I

1:07:46

do think that people asking me

1:07:48

these questions and clear channels and

1:07:51

the like... I think they think either

1:07:53

maybe nothing bad's ever happened to

1:07:55

me because I sound fairly resolved

1:07:57

or they think you know you can't survive

1:07:59

something. like this and not okay things

1:08:02

have happened to me and I've

1:08:04

survived and I'm good I'm great

1:08:06

I'm excited I got to wrap

1:08:08

up because I'm about to meet

1:08:10

a friend I love right now you know

1:08:12

but this is one of the lessons

1:08:14

I have to learn and when it

1:08:16

happens again not if but when I

1:08:18

know I'm going to do so much better

1:08:20

than last time I know every

1:08:22

time there's an insult or a

1:08:25

betrayal That's an indicator that

1:08:27

it's time to go back

1:08:30

to the self-love laboratory and

1:08:32

to cook up more experiments

1:08:35

in loveology. You know,

1:08:37

it's the universe offering me

1:08:39

an opportunity to practice

1:08:41

love and wholeness in real time. We

1:08:43

are in a time where we're

1:08:46

being asked to create new things

1:08:48

and we have to stop

1:08:50

matching energy with the old and

1:08:52

stop getting into these... tug

1:08:55

of war and these old

1:08:57

battles that we didn't even

1:09:00

start because we have to

1:09:02

create the new. We have

1:09:04

to create solutions and new

1:09:07

streams of energy and beauty

1:09:09

and soft spaces to land

1:09:11

and different ideas and different

1:09:14

connections and we have to

1:09:16

make our own authentic, energetic

1:09:18

pools and roads and

1:09:20

channels strong, our path strong.

1:09:23

And when we get wrapped up in

1:09:25

the game that we don't even want

1:09:27

to play, by the way, and the

1:09:29

old, crappy, abusive, negative,

1:09:31

boring, drama, triangles, and

1:09:34

control stuff, and all

1:09:36

the unnecessary suffering comes in,

1:09:38

we know we're not fully in our

1:09:40

power and we aren't fully accessing our

1:09:42

life force. There's beautiful things

1:09:45

to make and create and

1:09:47

channel and to tune our

1:09:49

energy too. That's what I'm

1:09:51

interested in. Like Lisa

1:09:53

Simpson, animals, colors,

1:09:55

shapes, sounds, music,

1:09:57

trees, magic, new

1:09:59

new roads, innovation, energy,

1:10:01

creating safety around those and

1:10:03

feeling safe and expressive and

1:10:06

expansive enough to channel those through. It's

1:10:08

way more appealing to me and way

1:10:10

more interesting to me to explore those

1:10:12

than it is being dragged around on

1:10:14

a leash by fear or by the

1:10:16

past or by something I didn't even

1:10:19

consent to, you know, and that's

1:10:21

who I want to be in relationship

1:10:23

with and be in community with

1:10:25

and that's what I want to

1:10:27

cultivate more of. Until that sounds

1:10:29

more appealing to you, if you're

1:10:31

ready to explore your voice

1:10:33

and creativity and your specific

1:10:36

curriculum of life that is

1:10:38

for your spirit this time around

1:10:40

and beyond, sign up for the

1:10:42

class or for one of the

1:10:44

many other classes we'll be doing

1:10:46

this year together. Clear channels is

1:10:49

this Saturday and Sunday. We're

1:10:51

going to enter a beautiful,

1:10:53

dreamy weekend retreat together. They'll

1:10:55

come out with so much support. Definitely

1:10:59

a new friend or two, and

1:11:01

some entirely clear, energetic

1:11:03

imprints of love and

1:11:05

clarity. See you next week,

1:11:08

angels, show yourself and others,

1:11:10

some love and care.

1:11:12

Moonbeaming is a Moon Studio

1:11:15

production. It is edited by

1:11:17

the wonderful Amelia Ruby at

1:11:19

Softer Sounds, and theme music

1:11:21

is by Melissa Caitlin Carter.

1:11:23

of making audio magic. Hire

1:11:25

them both for all your

1:11:27

audio and podcast needs. Thank

1:11:29

you so much for tuning

1:11:32

in. We're always looking for

1:11:34

aligned sponsors. So if you

1:11:36

are a business or creative

1:11:38

who'd like to sponsor an

1:11:40

episode or two, reach out.

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1:11:44

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1:11:47

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1:11:51

to friends or leaving us

1:11:54

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1:11:56

it so much and we

1:11:59

appreciate you. Thanks for

1:12:01

being here.