0:14

Nurd Poker. We're

0:16

calling it. The

0:18

song, campaign. My

0:20

friends are here.

0:22

Chris, blame. Ken,

0:24

engineer Sam, and

0:26

of course, our

0:28

kick-ass, DM, Dan

0:30

Telfer. Welcome to

0:32

Nurd Poker. Hey

0:34

everybody. I'm Brian

0:36

Pissin. You're listening

0:38

to Nurd Poker.

0:40

All my friends

0:42

are here, it's the

0:44

third part, part three

0:47

of our special Christmas,

0:49

or our Christmas special

0:51

that we're calling a

0:53

nerd poker Christmas Carol.

0:55

And a bunch of shit

0:57

has gone down, we killed

1:00

a guy that sounds like

1:02

Mitch McConnell, but isn't.

1:04

In no way is it?

1:06

And we're just having fun.

1:09

My friends are here. Hello

1:12

Dan. Hi Brian, it's

1:14

me, the guy who said

1:16

you could kill a turtle.

1:18

Yep, Ken's here. Hey

1:20

there Brian, how do you

1:23

do today? Really good. Blaine

1:25

is here. Good. Hey there

1:28

Brian, did Ken do this

1:30

bit? Yeah, and Chris, you

1:32

don't have to do

1:34

that if you don't

1:36

want to. Brian, I'm

1:38

gonna time travel in

1:40

time and tell Ken

1:43

about a bit. Sam,

1:45

how are you? Hello,

1:47

musical children. Nice.

1:49

Ah, I see. Are they

1:52

left-hand-side? I see. Oh,

1:54

it's musical youth. He-he.

1:56

Same thing. Different

1:59

spelling. you want to

2:01

think some people? I will thank

2:03

people, in particular, I will thank

2:05

the people who keep this podcast

2:08

going, our patron supporters. If you're

2:10

on the top two tiers at

2:12

patreon.com/nerd poker, you can get a

2:15

shout out on the podcast. Folks

2:17

on those tears have usernames like,

2:19

Glibbles is proud level improv

2:22

ones. Remember, remember, thank you,

2:24

Scott Dyer. Thank you, Zach,

2:26

Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach, Pooper,

2:29

Pooper. Thank you, Imorton Gerb.

2:31

Thank you, Drew Hugh Oud

2:34

fan. Thanks Reverend Yorick. Thanks

2:36

Sean McCoy. Thanks, Dill, Lee,

2:39

two ladies. Nice. Thank you,

2:41

teachers talking, teaching. Thank you,

2:43

9LK. Thank you, the randomore.

2:46

Thank you, I'd like to

2:48

cut off your jib. Thank

2:51

you, Kelsey Ruff. I'm going

2:53

to debate the logic of

2:55

that one. It's complicated. Thank

2:58

you, Kelsey Roth. Thank you,

3:00

four nice guys, a girl,

3:03

and a pizza place called

3:05

Palladinos. Thank you. Hit it

3:07

and quidditch. And finally, thank

3:10

you, 362438. Only if she's

3:12

5-3 and has two fingers,

3:15

upper-ass. Blaine, who are those

3:17

supporters brought to us by?

3:20

Sport is brought to us

3:22

by ass crafters quality ass

3:24

in about an hour ass

3:27

crafters and scrawny paper towels

3:29

oh they don't wipe up

3:32

anything oh no why do

3:34

you spill a whole soda

3:36

oh no I'm not gonna

3:39

be on absorb but oh

3:41

god no you select to

3:44

the size oh Thanks, Blame

3:46

for reenacting that deleted scene

3:49

from Wicked Part 1. And

3:51

now, time to talk about

3:53

what happened last time on

3:56

Nerboker's Christmas Carol. Yeah, you

3:58

guys nuked the Mitch McConnell

4:01

ghost, Mitch McTortle, and he

4:03

is now a splatter of

4:05

ectoplasm out in the snow.

4:08

Whilst you stand in his

4:10

rent a cabin, a pile

4:13

of gifts having had their

4:15

magical ores wiped clean, you

4:18

are now pondering what to

4:20

do with them. Somewhere in

4:22

the other renta cabins are

4:25

two other semi-formed ghost people

4:27

who have it out for

4:30

really crackets and his group

4:32

of merry murderers Let's just

4:34

get right into it. You

4:37

are in this little cabin

4:39

over on roll 20 the

4:42

far left cabin How would

4:44

you like to proceed? Let's

4:47

roll it to the gifts

4:49

I couldn't hear you cut

4:51

out a little bit for

4:54

me Ken Robin through the

4:56

gifts Rummage

4:58

through the gifts. Can

5:00

you up? Yes, it

5:02

is, but I heard

5:04

rummage through the gifts.

5:06

Could I help check

5:09

for traps as we

5:11

rummage? Let's get an

5:13

investigation rummaging check. It's

5:15

actually, who wants to

5:17

rummage. It's actually jifts.

5:19

Oh. Investigation. That is

5:21

a 15. Sorry. I

5:23

got a 1 minus

5:25

1. I think you're

5:27

building a trap. Oh.

5:29

You get a zero.

5:31

I rolled a zero.

5:33

Yeah. Congratulations. Me. You

5:35

don't find any traps,

5:37

Willie, but Mario. You

5:39

try to rifle through

5:41

them and you just

5:43

sort of like hungrily

5:45

wipe your hand across

5:47

the wooden floor boards

5:49

and get a massive

5:51

splinter and take one

5:53

point of piercing damage.

5:55

These boxes, you open

5:57

the, it looks like

5:59

six boxes, they all

6:01

have foreign currency in

6:03

them. It looks like

6:05

what might be thousands

6:07

of gold worth of

6:10

foreign currency. You'll have

6:12

to get them exchanged

6:14

somewhere, but this is

6:16

clearly money that was

6:18

donated to Mitch McTortle's

6:20

wife and used it,

6:22

you know, probably through,

6:24

you know, some. complicated

6:26

series of donations and

6:28

tax shelters. When you

6:30

say foreign currency, what

6:32

do you mean like,

6:34

like, giant? Different kingdoms

6:36

who don't use the

6:38

same type of, of,

6:40

of gold, like different

6:42

kingdoms, got it. Different

6:44

kingdoms, the amount of

6:46

precious metals they use

6:48

in the coin is

6:50

different, so they're worth

6:52

a different amount. And

6:54

yeah, like there's a

6:56

couple of giant coins

6:58

in there. You've got

7:00

some weird splinter shaped

7:02

coins that you believe

7:04

are made by Noles.

7:06

There's a lot of

7:08

stuff in here that

7:11

you're going to have

7:13

to take somewhere to

7:15

get turned into usable

7:17

currency. Cool. It's like

7:19

a fun present to

7:21

figure out where the

7:23

money comes from, right?

7:25

Everyone can roll an

7:27

insight check to see

7:29

if they can figure

7:31

out how much gold

7:33

this is worse. All

7:35

right, I'm gonna do

7:37

that. Oh God. 13

7:39

months, well I got

7:41

a four. I got

7:43

a, uh, must be

7:45

16 plus 622. That's

7:47

better than four. I

7:49

got a six. I

7:51

got a six. I

7:53

got ten. All right.

7:55

Willie Crackets, I'll put

7:57

it in the chat,

7:59

but you believe this

8:01

counts for 7,354 gold.

8:03

Wow! So I'll be

8:05

like, guys, this comes

8:07

out to about, mmm,

8:10

200. Go to peace.

8:12

Wow. Oh yeah. Yeah,

8:14

whatever. We can split

8:16

it all up later,

8:18

but sure. Can everyone

8:20

roll a perception check?

8:22

15 plus 116. 24.

8:28

I heard 16 of 7

8:30

and a 4. 28, sorry.

8:32

24. A second. 24. Oh,

8:34

lovely. Well, okay, Joffrey, Willie,

8:37

the other two guys are

8:39

too obsessed with their new

8:41

piles of coins, but you

8:43

hear crunching in the snow

8:45

and suspect that all of

8:47

the explosions have drawn some

8:50

attention. Oh, country. Oh, look

8:52

at Joffrey and kind of

8:54

his. John,

8:57

there's no, this is just

8:59

thing. No, I'm not. Jeffrey

9:01

freed himself from the chimney.

9:04

That's right. Merry Christmas. Should

9:06

we maybe... If someone's approaching,

9:08

they're probably approaching towards... Should

9:10

we go out the other

9:12

window? We can't really go

9:15

back up the chimney, right,

9:17

Dan? You could try? Probably

9:19

wouldn't go great. It lay

9:21

a figure aside your nose.

9:23

Twinkle your nose, yeah. Why

9:26

don't we go to the

9:28

unbroken window where it's like

9:30

the three to the south?

9:32

Okay. Can we- That's a

9:34

great play of the unbroken

9:36

window? You believe during the

9:39

fight that you saw a

9:41

magical aura on the window,

9:43

but there is no longer

9:45

one. You believe you can

9:47

quickly pop them open. You

9:50

glance- Sort of side

9:52

to side and don't see anything

9:54

so you know no immediate sign

9:57

of anyone outside. Do you open

9:59

the windows? Maybe yeah, could I?

10:01

Quietly open one of them.

10:04

Yes. Do a

10:06

stealth check, please.

10:09

stealth check. All

10:11

right. Do you see

10:13

a young boy on his

10:15

way to a butcher

10:18

shop? A boy is

10:20

big. With a goose?

10:23

28 on that stealth.

10:25

All right. You. I think

10:27

you've absolutely silently open the

10:30

window and wait for your

10:32

friends to climb through it

10:34

with you. Great, let's get out of

10:37

you. And you see a boy with a

10:39

goose? He says, I'm taking this

10:41

to my goodly wife. I'm a

10:43

boy, but I'm married. It's Victorian

10:45

times. And he's just campers

10:48

down the mountain. The end of

10:50

that middle moment. But yes,

10:52

you are all kind of

10:54

stealthily now. Poyst in

10:56

the snow, I will arrange

10:58

your tokens as such so

11:01

you can have a Roll

11:03

20 visual. But you

11:05

believe somewhere out here

11:08

nearby are the

11:10

other perpetrators against

11:12

Willie Crackett's. Oh,

11:14

yes, those ice tensor,

11:17

rice below us. Jake

11:19

Mall and Elon Kucks

11:21

are somewhere out here

11:23

in the snow. Perhaps

11:25

us being up high, what if

11:28

we know that we're outside, go

11:30

up on the roof and use

11:32

that as a tactical position to

11:35

spot other people either around the

11:37

houses or around the courtyard?

11:39

Yeah, sounds good. All right.

11:42

What's this building that's

11:44

right behind us? Is

11:46

this another one of the cabins?

11:48

Yeah, that is another one of

11:51

the cabins. Yeah, that is another

11:53

one. Should we

11:55

just go in? Well Dan was just saying

11:58

that we think the other two go Ghosts

12:00

are no longer in the cabins.

12:02

We think the other two ghosts are

12:04

now out here. Oh, Vlad. Well,

12:06

they're out. They're looking for. They heard

12:08

the noise. And he just implied

12:10

that we think the other ghosts are

12:12

now coming for us. That's why

12:14

I was saying if we at least

12:16

get high, you might be able

12:18

to see it and, you know, get

12:20

some cover, maybe. a minute, you

12:22

man. You said

12:25

get high, huh? The

12:28

Spicoli is flap his feet

12:30

and his vans start lifting him

12:32

off the ground. Sky

12:35

vans. Is

12:39

there a I'm going

12:41

to I'm going to jump up onto

12:43

my shelf. And can

12:45

I see any footsteps that aren't footprints

12:47

in the snow that aren't our footprints? Well,

12:49

first, let's clarify some physical action that

12:51

sounds like may or may not have already

12:53

occurred. Did you guys all get up

12:56

on the roof? I would like to climb

12:58

up there. Yes, please. Yes.

13:02

Well, everyone else is getting on the roof. Would you like

13:04

to build yourself on the roof plane? Yeah,

13:06

I sort of just get up on the roof

13:08

and there's my shelf. Well,

13:11

then let's have everyone roll a quick

13:13

stealth check, please, to get up on the

13:15

roof without making too much noise. And

13:17

then, yes, I will I will I will

13:19

give without arising a clutter. Exactly.

13:22

17. I

13:28

hope no one comes to see

13:30

what's a mutter. 19.

13:34

What's the matter? What's

13:36

the matter? Oh, wait

13:38

a minute. To lose. You

13:41

have an exciting new look. Yeah.

13:45

I'm using my elf on the shelf eyes to see

13:49

if I can see any footprints

13:51

in the snow. All right.

13:53

What would you get, Brian? Ha

13:56

ha Well, well, I

13:58

got an 11. But

14:01

you see, it was a Bocce

14:03

bue and a plus 10. Much

14:06

plus 10. Pretty great. So

14:08

you guys here allowed

14:10

clac-clang as Spicoli

14:13

hoists himself on the

14:15

roof. You do have

14:17

a moment to get

14:19

a perception check into

14:22

loose as you attempt

14:24

to survey the area. But

14:27

you think you're

14:30

drawing attention to

14:32

yourselves and yeah, I

14:34

roll the five so I

14:36

went to more yeah 19

14:39

plus one What's that?

14:41

20 20 perception What

14:43

I can't remember

14:46

is moving around

14:48

order What is

14:50

happening? I am attempting

14:53

to add a map

14:55

with groups Uh, so

14:57

one second. I see. Yeah,

15:00

yeah, yeah. And now I

15:02

see Rooves. I see

15:04

frame. What was

15:06

that again, Blaine? I'm

15:09

so sorry. As a

15:11

19 plus 1 is

15:13

a 20 for perception.

15:16

Yeah, you think you

15:18

see tracks in the

15:21

snow leading to the

15:23

north. To the north.

15:25

Is there a cabin up

15:27

there? No, but that is the

15:29

side of the house where Mitch

15:31

McTortle flew out the window, threw

15:34

himself out the window, I should

15:36

say. But those aren't in

15:38

his tracks. No, but you see

15:40

two sets of them. I mean,

15:42

the obvious thing I am attempting

15:45

to make obvious is that those

15:47

are the tracks of the other two

15:49

that are here to kill Willie

15:51

Crackins. Okay, and they're leading

15:54

away? Okay. Is that still

15:56

a goose still hanging in

15:58

the window? Okay.

16:00

Well, yeah, you guys are,

16:02

you know, you think you

16:05

have maybe a moment.

16:07

I'm gonna kind of

16:10

like scoot you up

16:12

on the roof here.

16:14

Click, click, click. But

16:16

someone's gonna

16:18

be here. Oh, you got,

16:21

you're not on that one.

16:23

Oh, we're on this. What? Yeah.

16:26

Okay. But and

16:28

I'm gonna put

16:30

some tokens

16:32

with obvious

16:34

faces up there

16:37

North you don't

16:39

see them yet,

16:41

but you know they

16:44

must be there

16:46

Yeah, tracks were

16:48

headed Yeah, I

16:50

think you maybe

16:52

have a moment

16:55

So yeah, I'm gonna try and stealth

16:57

my way across the north, the

16:59

roof to the north, so I

17:02

can get a line of sight

17:04

and shoot one of them before

17:06

they realize we're there. If anybody

17:09

else wants to join me. Yes.

17:11

Yeah, I can, I actually can

17:13

roll slogan dark. Yeah. Do

17:16

we need a stealth roll, Dan?

17:18

No, because you guys made

17:20

a really loud noise and

17:22

that's not going to work.

17:24

So there's going to be

17:26

an immediate attack on Willie

17:28

Crack, as he attempts to

17:30

do this, unfortunately. Okay. All

17:33

right, then I gotta walk

17:35

across a roof like this

17:37

crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch,

17:39

crunch. You absolutely

17:41

will get to momentarily,

17:44

but first there is going to

17:46

be a spell attack. as a levitating

17:49

wizard appears on the

17:51

north end of electric

17:53

bolts going between his hands.

17:56

And then he says in

17:58

a very meek. Nurd's voice.

18:00

Ah, you're going to die. So that

18:02

is a 24 and a 24 to hit

18:04

Willie. Now Dan, I have

18:07

advantage against being frightened.

18:09

Does that help? I mean, I think

18:11

it helps you Chris Tallman

18:13

in case this is an upsetting

18:15

moment for you as you

18:17

take. No, that's my that's

18:19

my character. Chris Tallman. I

18:21

don't think has advantage of

18:24

being frightened. Okay. Well

18:26

in that case,

18:28

let's just get

18:30

right down to

18:32

the 34 points

18:35

of lightning

18:38

damage for

18:40

wham that's huge.

18:43

Okay. Yes, and

18:46

if everyone could

18:49

please reroll

18:51

initiative. 25. Cool.

18:53

I'm not ready for

18:56

any of this information

18:58

yet, but thank you

19:00

for your prompt rolling.

19:03

Should we just keep

19:06

saying it over and

19:08

over? Twenty-nine. Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight.

19:11

Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight.

19:13

Nine-eight. Say them and

19:16

then I eight. And

19:19

I got twenty.

19:21

Oh, Jesus. Oh my

19:23

god, my ADHD wants

19:25

to stab you in

19:28

the dick. Eight, what'd

19:31

you get? Eight! In the

19:33

dick! Uh, 25. Oh,

19:35

there is. He's just

19:37

off camera. Your

19:39

head was gone. All

19:42

right, Chris, you're up.

19:44

Um, all right, he

19:46

shot me. I'm going

19:48

Jake mall is on

19:50

the ground roaring. Oh,

19:53

well, that's good. At

19:55

least fuck that. Elon Cox

19:57

is levitating about.

20:00

15 feet off the ground.

20:02

I'm going to,

20:04

I mean, I'm no

20:07

choice, I gotta fire

20:09

my crossbow at him.

20:11

Okay, straight shot.

20:14

20. Boy, that's a

20:16

hit. 14 points of

20:19

piercing, no sneak

20:21

attack, nobody else is

20:23

in rain, so it's

20:26

just right. I see.

20:29

Blaine up there, but

20:31

they're not melee, right?

20:34

Correct. Yeah, okay, so

20:36

14 points, and then

20:38

I'm going to form

20:40

my movement. Let's see,

20:43

what have I got?

20:45

I think I have climbing

20:48

speed because I'm, no,

20:50

it doesn't seem like

20:52

a, so I'm going

20:54

to go. across the

20:56

roof heading east. One, two,

20:58

three, four, five. And I'm

21:01

gonna bonus action. There's nowhere

21:03

to hide really is there. No,

21:06

you're pretty wide open.

21:08

The chimney that you slid

21:10

down is right on the

21:12

edge of the roof on

21:14

the southeast corner and is

21:16

so on the edge that's

21:18

not really got any room

21:20

to hide behind. Interesting.

21:24

All right, well, I don't want to

21:26

draw a fire towards my friend, so

21:29

maybe I'll just stay where I am.

21:31

And then bonus action, hi, Dodge. I'm

21:33

gonna bonus action, Dodge, Dan, you son

21:36

of a bitch. All right. Bonus action,

21:38

Dodge. Bonus action, Lincoln

21:40

Mercury. Yeah, will you help me

21:42

out with what bonus action Dodge

21:45

is going to do for you

21:47

as a bonus section? I just

21:49

want to make sure I can

21:51

do. dash disengage or hide action.

21:53

Okay, yeah, there's no Dutch. Dash

21:55

disengage, uh, did nothing else I

21:57

can do. So I will, I mean,

21:59

I will. I'm going to try and

22:01

hide, although obviously I'm right there. Well,

22:03

if you want to try and hide,

22:06

you can use it even as your

22:08

bonus action, you just would have

22:10

to get off the roof. You'd have

22:12

to make like a... Like hang off the

22:14

edge, could I have to sort of like

22:17

cling to the underside? It would

22:19

be a pretty high stealth DC, but

22:21

yes. I mean, might as well

22:23

do something. I will bonus action

22:25

hide on the under swell of the

22:27

roof. Right, we're looking for

22:30

a 20. I'm sure 24. All right,

22:32

show me where you want to

22:34

hang off the edge by sliding

22:36

your token one more square to

22:39

the right. I mean, I guess

22:41

it'd be right there, right? Just

22:43

hanging off the edge. But not

22:45

like legs down, you know, I mean,

22:47

more like clinging like a

22:50

tick to the, you know, I

22:52

mean, like I'm not trying to

22:54

present myself as like a

22:56

dangling. Go ahead. No,

22:59

describe it for the listeners. No,

23:01

I'm just trying to make sure

23:03

you say it. I've got my hands

23:05

and probably one hand to one foot

23:07

firmly like clung to the edge of

23:10

the roof and then with the other

23:12

foot at hand, I've got most of

23:14

my body slung underneath the roof. So

23:17

I'm basically in the shadow of the,

23:19

I don't know, I don't know, I

23:21

don't know the terminology, I don't

23:23

know the terminology, I don't

23:25

know the terminology. Cool, I'm

23:27

gonna, am I within rate,

23:30

where are they? You're on

23:32

the far side of the

23:34

roof right now, you could,

23:36

let's see, you could get

23:38

closer, he is about 50

23:40

feet away from you, so

23:42

you wouldn't be able to

23:45

get a melee range this

23:47

turn unless you dashed.

23:49

Well, I'm gonna shoot a

23:51

fireball, which is 120 feet,

23:53

so that'll work. Sure

23:56

will. 12

23:58

hit That

24:02

is a

24:04

miss, unfortunately.

24:07

Okay. Then I

24:09

will fire my

24:11

short bow as

24:14

a bonus action.

24:16

Okay. 90, oh, 26.

24:19

That's a hit.

24:21

Cool. Yes. Five

24:24

points of

24:26

damage. All right,

24:29

you smack him right

24:31

in the thigh with that

24:33

arrow. His gummy thigh?

24:36

Yes, his gummy thigh.

24:38

Dummy thighs. All right,

24:40

are you going to

24:42

stay in that

24:45

position, Brian? Ish. Sure

24:47

close distance.

24:49

No. Oh, yeah, I'll, I'll, half

24:51

the distance. Okay.

24:54

He's having the

24:56

distance. I'm going

24:58

to, as Mario always

25:00

does in the games,

25:03

use my blowgun.

25:05

I just remember the

25:08

first time I played

25:10

Donkey Kong. My blowgun.

25:13

Roll to blowy. Oh my

25:16

god. 12? That's a

25:18

miss. Oh wait, does it

25:20

over his shoulder? Hang

25:23

on a second. Do

25:25

you? Do you? Do you? But

25:28

no, it doesn't, it doesn't,

25:30

it doesn't mean to get

25:32

it, man. It just means

25:34

you get it like a

25:37

proficiency bonus or something, right?

25:39

Yeah, I hear most, then

25:41

I got some other shit.

25:43

Well, I'm going to talk

25:45

about that. Yeah, go master

25:47

the blow gun off the

25:49

air, please. Blaine, you're up.

25:51

He's master at the blow

25:53

gun. I'm going to use the

25:56

edge of the roof. Okay. And then

25:58

I'm going to use. a scorching

26:00

ray. Oh, a spell attack?

26:03

That's a spell attack. But

26:05

can't I just jump

26:07

on him and throw him

26:09

at the, like in the

26:11

Mario camp? I mean, oh yeah.

26:14

If you get closer, I'll allow

26:16

it. Yeah, just throw me like

26:19

a little, yoshy. Out

26:21

of your cart. I create

26:23

three rays of fire and

26:25

I hurl them at

26:27

targets within range. I

26:30

can hold them at

26:32

one target or several

26:34

range spell attack for each

26:36

ray. You do both. You're

26:39

going to just aim all

26:41

three at Elon. Are they

26:43

both in range? Yes. I'm

26:45

going to do two at Elon

26:47

and one at the other

26:50

guy. Jake. Jake. And I'll

26:52

save one later for the

26:54

fat man. All right. That's a

26:56

12 plus 5 is 17 is

26:58

1. But for Elon? 14

27:01

plus 5 is 19. Yeah,

27:03

those are for Elon. Those

27:05

are both hits. And there's

27:08

a 20. A natural?

27:10

Natural 20 for the

27:12

third guy. Jake. Jake

27:14

mall the ogre. So please

27:16

roll the damage for

27:19

all three and make

27:21

sure you calculate

27:23

the crit damage for

27:25

Jake. Those are 2D6. It's

27:28

a five and eight is

27:30

14 on the first guy

27:32

Elon. And then Jake is

27:35

five is 10. 10 on

27:37

Jake. Cool. So all three

27:39

of them smash into

27:41

the two of them. Jake

27:43

is being hit for

27:45

the first time. It,

27:47

you know, burns his boxing

27:50

shorts off and he's

27:52

just standing there naked

27:55

roaring. Huh, that's weird.

27:57

Did you see Chris

27:59

Rock? S&L monologue where he

28:01

talked about Jake Paul beating

28:04

up Mike Tyson. It's a

28:06

24-year-old guy building up a

28:08

old black guy. Who's he

28:11

going to fight next? Leonard

28:13

Freeman? Morgan Freeman? Leonard. I

28:15

did. Yeah, I fucking beat

28:17

that guy, I believe is

28:20

the quote. I hate him

28:22

like a landlord. I hate

28:24

him. I hate him like

28:27

a landlord. I hate him.

28:29

I hate him like a

28:31

landlord. I hate him like

28:34

cocaine. It was fantastic. Fantastic.

28:36

Yeah, he is a very

28:38

naturally funny guy. Yes, he

28:40

is. Great. He got that

28:43

gig given the salt thrown

28:45

his way. So, will I

28:47

do it for your turn?

28:50

That's it for my turn,

28:52

yes. I'm just going to

28:54

sit back on my shelf

28:57

and watch. All right. Well,

28:59

first thing you'll watch is

29:01

Jake Mall going into a

29:03

flying leap and landing. on

29:06

the roof next to you.

29:08

Oh, oh, first thing he's

29:10

gonna do is club. Oh,

29:13

no, is he gonna take,

29:15

is he up here to

29:17

take a Shelfy? 16, 16

29:19

hit. 16 to hit, I

29:22

have an armor class of

29:24

17. Oh, so it glances

29:26

off your shell. Yeah, my

29:29

shelf. So then he roars

29:31

loudly, come to me by

29:33

followers and you see a

29:36

swarm of rats fly up

29:38

besides. Flying rats? We call

29:40

pigeons here in Los Angeles

29:42

now. I did not say

29:45

flying. They're simply a swarm

29:47

of rats. So a bunch

29:49

of rats fly up and.

29:52

They try to bite at

29:54

you. Do they scamper? a

29:56

group of rats is called

29:59

a church. You call it

30:01

a church of rats. Church

30:03

of rats. Pretty sure. All

30:05

right, so that's going to

30:08

be seven points of piercing

30:10

damages. The rats bite at

30:12

you, that they crit against

30:15

you, the rats. Okay. Oh

30:17

God. I got rat crits.

30:19

Sorry blame. That's okay. I'm

30:22

trying to find a picture

30:24

of a toilet rat, but

30:26

I am unsuccessful. Yeah,

30:29

looking at Sarah's dream journal.

30:31

All right, and that's going

30:34

to do it for Jake

30:36

Mall. Next we have, Elon,

30:38

who's going to fly over

30:41

here. And this fucking guy.

30:43

He's going to unleash a

30:45

stroke of lightning in a

30:48

100 foot long bolt. Can

30:50

I please get a dexterity

30:52

savings throw from it? It

30:55

looks like everybody as he

30:57

fires this arc of electricity

30:59

across the roof Potentially hitting

31:02

everyone What is it damned

31:04

a saving through a dexterity

31:06

saving through a DC 15?

31:09

I got a 16 plus

31:11

to 18 fan of lightning

31:13

No. 25, Dan. 12. Success,

31:16

success. Fail from Willie. What

31:18

you got, Ken? 20. Oh,

31:20

Willie. Unfortunately, you're going to

31:23

be the only one taking

31:25

this damage. Now, I can't

31:27

really hide from lightning, can

31:30

I though, Dan? That's what

31:32

I'm wondering, because you remember

31:34

I'm wrapped under there in

31:37

the shadows. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's

31:39

still going to hit you.

31:41

I'm making you roll for

31:44

it because you can't just

31:46

like do a regular stand

31:48

and dodge otherwise would, you

31:51

know, well, let's see. You

31:53

successfully hidden, I should give

31:55

you something for that. I'll

31:58

give you even though you

32:00

failed, this doesn't hit you.

32:02

Yeah, you all see this

32:05

bolt of electricity fly past

32:07

you, it's not gonna hit

32:09

anyone. It's more sense, narratively

32:12

speaking, yeah, because you're clutching.

32:14

You guys, I think that

32:16

lightning knew I was there.

32:19

It did, but it missed.

32:21

It missed. You're up, Willie

32:23

Crackets. Shit, I'm gonna shoot

32:26

that lightning. Shoot. Though

32:29

I'm hidden, am I able

32:31

to, like, from this distance

32:33

from, while hiding, attack Jake?

32:35

Like, could I fire my

32:37

bow from my hidden courage?

32:40

You'd have to, you'd have

32:42

to, like, swing up. I

32:44

would make you roll an

32:46

acrobatics check. Okay. So I

32:48

try to, acrobatics. At least

32:50

balance yourself on the lip

32:52

of the roof enough to

32:55

pull a shot off. Yeah.

32:57

19. 19. That'll

32:59

work. Okay, so then

33:01

I'm going to fire

33:03

him with my crossbow

33:06

and go, sorry. 17.

33:08

That is a hit.

33:11

Great. Because he's in

33:13

melee with play and

33:15

I get to have

33:18

the sneak attack, so

33:20

it's a total of

33:23

19 points. Ooh. All

33:25

right, it just sticks

33:27

right in his chest.

33:30

You know, this classic

33:32

Jake Paul line. Oh,

33:35

perfect. All right, and

33:37

then... The William screen.

33:39

I'm going to use

33:42

my movement to get

33:44

most of the way

33:47

across. And then maybe

33:49

bonus action-just to spread

33:51

out and get his

33:54

spread out from everybody

33:56

else. On

33:58

the roof That's

34:02

my turn cool Brian. It

34:04

is your turn for murder Holiday

34:09

all right,

34:12

I am

34:18

Gonna get to find the way

34:20

let's see where is he I

34:26

Sort of north end. Yeah,

34:28

one's my plane one's further up

34:30

Okay, I'm gonna get Jake

34:32

Paul has summoned a swarm of

34:35

rats Jake mall. Excuse me.

34:37

I'm gonna get to the first

34:39

guy or Elon He's closer,

34:41

right? Yeah. Oh, no, he line

34:43

is actually farther away Jake

34:45

jumped past him. Okay, so I'm

34:48

gonna go to Jake Okay

34:50

Uh, where is he? Up

34:53

here next to token biome. Oh,

34:55

I am. Okay, cool Yeah,

35:00

fuck I'm just trying to

35:02

find my thing so I can

35:04

dump it on him I'd

35:08

like to watch you don't I hit him

35:10

with chill touch All

35:13

right, I think that's for the

35:15

books Let's see chill touch it I

35:17

think it's a dex save is

35:19

that sound 20 yeah 20 to hit

35:24

Oh, it's a ranged spell attack.

35:26

Yeah, that's a hit. Yeah. Yeah.

35:28

Yeah nice cool. Does he chill? He's

35:32

got a hang out with a

35:34

hookah watch roll 13 chill touch

35:37

damage. Oh

35:39

Shit Jesus he squeals like

35:41

a vine user as

35:43

you hit him Uh,

35:47

it's a very short squeal.

35:49

Do I have a buffer section

35:51

or do I have? Let's

35:54

see You're a thief, right?

35:56

Yeah, I think I think

35:58

you study attack all his

36:00

life self advantage.

36:02

Uh, so I will, uh, I

36:04

will short, uh, I'll,

36:07

no, I'm gonna dagger

36:09

him while I'm

36:11

right there. Okay.

36:14

Dagger, dagger, dagger.

36:16

Uh, there's a 14

36:19

hit. Yes, it's

36:21

a hit. Nice. As

36:23

an ogre chitter

36:25

lord, he has a

36:28

12. Hide armor AC.

36:30

Five more damage.

36:32

God. Nice. So you

36:35

just stick them

36:37

right in the

36:39

ribs. He's starting

36:41

to look pretty

36:43

shitty. Yeah, I'm going

36:46

to leave it. And

36:48

hurt. You can keep

36:50

that one. All right,

36:52

Ken, you're up.

36:54

Once again. Oh, again.

36:57

Nice. Oh, that's what

36:59

you aimed for last time.

37:01

Are you going to aim for

37:03

Jake who's a little closer?

37:05

Yeah, Jake. This time Jake.

37:07

Go for Jake this time.

37:09

Jake this time. Roll to blow

37:12

Jake. Jesus. How dare you?

37:14

Oh, that's a 14. That's a

37:16

hit, though. Oh, nice. All right.

37:18

As low as you may

37:20

have heard. Good. That's three

37:22

points of damage. He

37:25

yelps as the Logan

37:27

darts max into him.

37:29

He's he's definitely really

37:31

badly wounded, but that

37:34

wasn't enough to kill him

37:36

All right, maybe next time

37:38

Blaine you're up Am I still

37:40

covered in rats? Yes I'm

37:43

going to cast gaseous form on

37:45

myself. Oh Okay, and I'm going

37:47

to plot plop on for yeah,

37:50

they all go what the huh,

37:52

what? So and I'm going to

37:54

I'm going to rise up into

37:57

the air in my gaseous form

37:59

like like some carrot soup

38:02

smell in a bugs

38:04

bunny cartoon. And I'm

38:06

going to position myself

38:08

20 feet above Jake. All

38:10

right. And are you just gonna

38:12

hold it up there? I think

38:15

that's all I can really

38:17

do right now. I can't

38:19

cast any spells until this

38:21

one. So I stopped this

38:23

one. And it'll be Jake's

38:26

turn. Jake's turn. Jake is

38:28

going to. Swing his

38:30

club at Spakoli.

38:32

Uh, to eight to hit. I

38:34

believe that is a

38:36

miss. Uh-huh. Stupid Jake.

38:39

He will then send

38:41

his swarm of rats

38:43

to jump all over

38:45

you, Brian. Oh, God.

38:47

Just like in real life.

38:49

Eleven to hit. That's

38:52

a miss, right? Yep.

38:54

All right, so it's a failure

38:56

for Jake Mall both in the

38:59

game and in life. Up

39:01

next is Elon Cox. He

39:03

is going to narrow his

39:05

eyes trying to find

39:07

Blaine doesn't see Blaine.

39:09

He's going to fly around

39:12

the side. Get a good look

39:14

at Ken. Uh-oh. Smile

39:16

smartly and begin firing

39:18

lightning bolts. He's going

39:20

to shoot two lightning

39:23

bolts at you. Oh, you

39:25

dick. 26 and a 14? Yeah,

39:27

that's my line. Yeah,

39:30

there's no... You're going to

39:32

shit or is it going

39:34

to kill us? 26 and

39:37

a 14. What's that? 26

39:39

and a 14? That's two

39:41

attacks, you're saying?

39:43

One is it, yes.

39:45

Yes. All right. That

39:48

would be 20 points

39:50

of lightning damage. Dan, you're

39:52

saying the evil man attacked me?

39:54

Is that what's happening here? I

39:56

don't get that at all. That

39:58

doesn't make any sense. All right,

40:00

20 points, fine, great, okay,

40:02

good. I guess if you wanna

40:05

play your way, Dan. Chris, you're

40:07

up. Oh, God. Good attack in

40:09

this game. Now, Dan, because I'm

40:12

on the other side of the

40:14

roof, like the peak of the

40:17

roof is between me and everybody

40:19

else. Peak roof, yes. I'm assuming

40:21

Willie being a halfling is

40:24

not, at the moment, visible

40:26

to the necromancer. he's

40:28

flying right though so how

40:31

high up is he like

40:33

can he see me he's

40:35

got a pretty good view

40:37

of you unfortunately oh he

40:40

does well shits then I'm

40:42

going to go one two three

40:44

four five to the north so

40:47

I have a better much hopefully

40:50

clear line of sight

40:52

on the barbarian okay

40:54

And I'm going to

40:56

fire my crossbow again

40:58

and him. Oh, I forget.

41:00

16 to hit. That's a

41:03

hit. Great. And because he's

41:05

in melee with those

41:07

guys, I get you might

41:10

apply sneak attack. So it's

41:12

a total of 24 points

41:14

of damage to that guy.

41:17

How would you like to

41:19

see Elon die? Oh no, this

41:21

was against... Oh Jake, he's dead.

41:23

He's dead. The barbarian's dead. How

41:25

would you like to see Jake

41:27

die? I would just like the

41:29

bolt to catch him unawares and

41:32

knocks him and maybe his body

41:34

slides. Dan, would you allow it?

41:36

So his body actually slides down

41:38

and falls into the... Whatever the...

41:40

Is that the pile of shit? Yeah.

41:42

Patio tables? Patio tables?

41:45

Yeah, falls into a patio

41:47

table. Very dramatic. Yes, very,

41:49

very accidental pro wrestling loss.

41:52

You hit him with the

41:54

crossbow bolt and like an

41:56

unexpected negative comment on

41:59

YouTube. It shatters him to

42:01

the core and he flies down

42:03

and breaks the picnic table in

42:06

half. His rats go scattering. Blaine

42:08

and Brian, do you want to

42:11

attempt to squish the swarm of

42:13

rats as the opportunity attack run

42:15

away from you? Yeah, yeah, for

42:18

sure. Roll a quick melee attack

42:20

to try to stomp or swing

42:22

at the rats. Blaine, actually, your

42:25

gashes formed 20 feet above the

42:27

guy who just died, so you

42:29

don't get to do this. I'm

42:32

wrong. Is Elon still alive, right?

42:34

Elon is still alive. It's not

42:37

your turn yet either, just as

42:39

an opportunity. Oh, that's a hit,

42:41

Brian. How you want to see

42:44

the rats die? Anthropomorphic. They all

42:46

come to live and start talking

42:48

about how much they love pasta

42:51

and cooking. And then I, and

42:53

I killed him like Rami and

42:55

Red Tattoo. As they died, they

42:58

said, they should have cast you.

43:00

All right. You'll suffocate inside a

43:03

chef's hat. Is that your turn,

43:05

Chris? Oh yeah, that was me,

43:07

man. All right, Brian, you're up.

43:10

Who's left? Just Elon Cuck's floating

43:12

10 feet higher than the roof

43:14

off there to the east. I

43:17

think about Jake Mall, but I'm

43:19

still working on this one. Firebolt,

43:22

a can trip. I forget I

43:24

haven't had can trips forever. Do

43:26

I get to? Yeah, just use

43:29

it. I can do it again.

43:31

It's a spell attack. Yeah, roll

43:33

that spell attack, baby. Firebolt. Really?

43:36

Ha, 17. Oh, that is a

43:38

hit. Roll that fire damage. Yeah,

43:40

I'd love to. Only

43:47

six nice that's enough the

43:49

both these guys were dying.

43:52

How would you like to

43:54

see this fireboat kill you

43:56

on? He just catches on

43:58

fire while he's floating and

44:01

just burns quickly melts like

44:03

a like a candle and

44:05

and his flesh just falls

44:07

everywhere and then he turns

44:09

like a charcoal cube and

44:12

just falls into a million

44:14

pieces. All right well much

44:16

much like the servers over

44:18

at X and overtax to

44:20

Elon is burned to a

44:23

crisp. Love it. You are

44:25

now out of combat. Congratulations.

44:27

You killed the three ghosts

44:29

that were attempting to come

44:31

back to life and murder

44:34

Willie Crackett's. Oh, friends. Yeah,

44:36

the Christmas. Merry Christmas, really.

44:38

Takes the whammy off the

44:40

innkeeper who you see go

44:42

outside and worriedly pet his

44:45

reindeer saying, I'm so sorry,

44:47

I forgot to scoop your,

44:49

oh, no, I did scoop

44:51

your poop. At least I

44:53

remember to do that. The

44:56

three of you all climbed

44:58

down, gathered your wits. You

45:00

think, well, we've got the

45:02

keys and keeper won't mind

45:04

if we go ahead and

45:07

look inside these other two

45:09

things? Yeah. There is a

45:11

book of spells in Elon's

45:13

little cabin that you think

45:15

is probably worth at least

45:18

50 gold, but also could

45:20

be used if you were

45:22

to try to attune to

45:24

get some sort of bonus

45:26

to your magic involving lightning,

45:29

if someone has lightning magic.

45:31

And inside Jake's cabin, just

45:33

a bunch of dead rats.

45:35

Ah, that smells great. He

45:37

was summoning them and eating

45:40

them, just lives and fills.

45:42

That's all you find in

45:44

his cabin. That's too bad.

45:46

Oh well, well, thanks everybody.

45:48

I'll give everybody their 200

45:51

gold pieces as promised. I'm

45:53

going to, uh... He did

45:55

that as screwed. I'm going

45:57

to materialize out of gaseous

46:00

form on my shelf up

46:02

on the wall and I'm

46:04

going to look at camera

46:06

and go. Thanks for watching.

46:08

I'll be watching you. Oh,

46:11

that's awesome. Well, thanks everybody.

46:13

Thank you, Dan. That was

46:15

great. My pleasure. I hope

46:17

everyone had fun. I hope

46:19

listeners, you enjoyed a little

46:22

change of pace as we

46:24

made sure we could schedule

46:26

some episodes over the holidays

46:28

without actually skipping a week.

46:30

Great, great. To have you

46:33

as listeners and I would

46:35

love to be your dungeon

46:37

master. You can go on

46:39

head to Dan telford.com and

46:41

send me a message about

46:44

my rights. I can tell

46:46

you all about them. And

46:48

yes and I'm whatever you

46:50

like. BDSM. All my dates

46:52

are Brian pristine.com. I've got

46:55

Burlington Vermont. Well this week

46:57

probably next week I'm in

46:59

Denver. And then I've got

47:01

one at you Washington, I've

47:03

got a cruise next month

47:06

with fucking living color. I

47:08

can't wait. What? Johnny Taylor

47:10

is doing that with me.

47:12

Wow. That'll be super fun.

47:14

So Ryan pissain.com for tour

47:17

dates and comic books. And

47:19

I have announcements soon. There'll

47:21

be a new, another book

47:23

in 2025 that I'm working

47:25

on. Can we talk about

47:28

it? But anyway, always Brian

47:30

pissin.com and then there's still

47:32

merch left over from Christmas.

47:34

Get me up. And then

47:36

a nerd poker pod slash

47:39

merch for any nerd poker,

47:41

uh, uh, merch. It's helped,

47:43

it all, it all helps

47:45

here. And, uh, nerd poker,

47:47

the house. I'll blame. We

47:50

attribute the success of mankind

47:52

from it. He's

47:54

rejoining us on

47:56

this episode.

47:58

got walls and

48:01

a roof?

48:03

Well, us on this

48:05

Ken gets kicked out of

48:07

crunch for doing that

48:10

thing again. You Gym using

48:12

an ID he stole from

48:14

that guy at Crunch. All

48:17

this, and Brian a jimmies

48:19

on an all new

48:21

nerd poker. Thanks

48:34

for listening to another

48:36

episode of Nerd Poker. You

48:38

can follow us You.com us at

48:40

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48:43

from there. bonus you can

48:45

also from there us anything

48:47

at P .O. Box Send us anything

48:49

at PO Box 16069 and Sino California at 91416.

48:52

Thanks for listening. listening