0:04

The empire of Ismeer has

0:07

long been a divided

0:09

land. Ruled by the

0:11

majors, an elite group

0:13

of magic users, the

0:16

lowly commoners, those without

0:18

magic, are little more

0:20

than slaves. Ismeer's young

0:23

empress, Savina, wishes

0:25

equality and prosperity

0:28

for all. But the

0:30

evil mage Profian has

0:32

other intentions. Welcome

0:40

to now playing podcasts,

0:42

Dungeons and Dragons,

0:45

movie retrospective series.

0:47

Adventure, battle, glory

0:49

beyond your wildest imagination.

0:51

Part of our board

0:54

game, movie retrospective series.

0:56

You want to play,

0:58

do you? Yeah, best play.

1:00

I'm going to need a team.

1:02

Team, who's going to help

1:04

us out? hosted by Arne. The

1:06

fact that you see good in

1:09

me makes me believe that there

1:11

might just be some in there. Justin.

1:13

See that there? I knew that boy

1:15

I tell it! And Stuart. You use

1:18

magic. We are part of it. But

1:20

be warned. This episode will

1:22

contain detailed plot spoilers

1:24

and strong language. There

1:26

might be a loss

1:28

of distinction between reality

1:31

and fantasy and possibly...

1:33

the loss of life

1:35

in the process. We

1:37

hope you enjoy the

1:39

show. Let the journey

1:42

begin. Today we're discussing

1:44

Dungeons and Dragons 3,

1:47

the Book of Vile

1:49

Darkness, starring Jack Durgis.

1:52

Nobody to stop. Ain't

1:54

nobody in this. They

1:57

all bad. Eleanor Gex.

2:00

aired Lex Daniels with have

2:02

beat Nessib Nader. Sure. And

2:04

Dominic Mafam, directed by Jerry

2:06

Lively. This is the now

2:08

playing co-host who has it

2:10

in his heart to be

2:12

terrible, at least towards this

2:14

film, Arne. And Stuart. You

2:16

gambled with my life and lied to

2:19

get me here. This is Justin. Yeah,

2:21

I know, we told you when you

2:23

were stepping up for board games that

2:25

it would be better than video games,

2:27

but here we are at the Book

2:29

of Vile Darkness, a movie that I

2:31

felt was a movie of Vile Darkness

2:33

because I had to go to some

2:35

dark places to get it, that being

2:37

a German eBayer with an old DVD.

2:40

Ooh. Exactly! Velkamen, like, is this

2:42

going to be a real problem? Like,

2:44

I'm watching Arne's copy because this does

2:46

not exist. You cannot get a media

2:48

of any kind. It doesn't stream.

2:51

You can't get a disc that plays in

2:53

this region of the world. I had to

2:55

go to Arne's dark place. And I don't

2:57

like it when you go to my dark

2:59

place. Yeah, it's not my favorite place, but

3:02

it is the place where you can find,

3:04

I don't know, disbrequérichen to De De Deutsch.

3:06

Dungeons and Dragons 3 Goldshlag

3:08

or something or rather. It was

3:11

Die Buchendweil Darknessen or something. I

3:13

mean it was... It's not the

3:15

whole movie, but yes. Apparently this

3:18

is something that we're only comfortable

3:20

giving to Germans. Well to be

3:22

fair, this movie did come out

3:25

in the United States when it

3:27

premiered as a sci-fi original movie

3:29

in late 2012. Oh, see, I

3:32

thought that maybe it was even

3:34

sci-fi was too good for it.

3:36

Is this television length? Yeah.

3:39

You'd have to have a lot of

3:41

commercials. It's 86 minutes and usually

3:43

you only get like 48 minutes

3:45

out of an hour of TV

3:47

programming before commercials. So yeah, I'm

3:49

sure with a couple of paddings

3:51

and maybe they don't have to

3:53

fast forward the credits at the

3:55

end the way they do a

3:57

lot of movies. No, slow them

3:59

down. like 70 minutes with like

4:01

14 minutes of in credits. Maybe

4:03

they just played that intro on

4:05

half speed. I mean it was

4:07

already five and a half minutes

4:09

of narration. Yes, the interns made

4:11

a doodle and they're like this

4:14

is our backstory. Yeah, all right

4:16

so you're telling me this aired

4:18

on television in America. Yeah, it

4:20

was first released on DVD in

4:22

the UK in August of 2012,

4:24

then Sci-Fi aired it in November

4:26

2012, and the distributor who had

4:28

rights to this film ended up

4:30

going bankrupt. So that's why it's

4:32

not out there. It's not like

4:34

they are hiding this under some

4:37

rock intentionally, like it's a grand

4:39

embarrassment. I mean, after last week,

4:41

how much worse would it have

4:43

to be? And last week's movie

4:46

comes out in a two-pack with

4:48

the 2000 movie on Blu-ray, so

4:50

this one, it's just a rights

4:52

issue that made this become a

4:55

myth. The company, I Am

4:57

Global, is no longer global as

4:59

they went under. Hmm. Yeah, okay. Well,

5:01

a rights issue, you say. A human's

5:04

rights issue, maybe. Yeah. Gary Lively is

5:06

back. It should just be said that

5:08

not much has changed in terms of

5:11

who's behind the camera. If you like

5:13

the movie last week, and nobody did,

5:15

you'll be excited to know that Jerry

5:18

is in the director's seat, and Brian

5:20

Rudnick is still writing, the script. Yeah,

5:22

that seems so weird that somebody's actually,

5:25

like, like, attached. to this property this

5:27

deep into it right like this is

5:29

how many seven years later from the

5:31

last film why is somebody still involved

5:34

in this at this point it really

5:36

struck me as odd to that it's

5:38

been six years since part two came

5:40

out and when they decide for part

5:43

three they're like well we gotta

5:45

have Jerry and Brian we can't

5:47

do it without Jerry and Brian

5:49

right exactly Yeah, I don't recognize

5:51

anyone in this cast. I don't

5:53

recognize this movie ever coming out. I

5:55

don't recognize this, but we're here

5:57

to discuss it anyway. Yeah, in looking

5:59

this... over. Only like three or

6:02

four of the people in

6:04

this movie even have Wikipedia

6:06

pages. The guy who plays

6:08

V-Mac, the Barbarian, is a

6:10

stuntman who's done a lot

6:12

of movies in the stunt

6:14

department. The one who seems

6:16

to have come out of

6:18

this the best is Barry

6:20

Aired who plays Bez in

6:22

this. Freedom of the opera?

6:25

Yeah, he has gone on

6:27

to be in Morbius and

6:29

in The Avengers, page of Ultron.

6:31

Okay. In such roles, in Morbius,

6:33

he was newspaper salesman. And in

6:36

Avengers Age of Ultron, he was

6:38

Savoke and Police Captain. So... Oh,

6:40

yeah. Yeah, you could have just

6:42

told me these guys were all

6:44

from a BBC production that only

6:46

lasted like two weeks and I

6:48

would have been like, okay, yep,

6:50

that sounds about right. Community theater.

6:53

I was thinking a lot about,

6:55

I don't know when the last

6:57

time you guys might have gone

6:59

to your local playhouse, but yes, when

7:01

your grocer and your neighbor decided that

7:03

they're actors, you get stuff like this

7:06

up on stage. And Lex Daniel

7:08

in this, who played Syth,

7:10

he actually is Harkon and

7:12

Commander in Dune Part 2. These

7:15

are the two success stories out of

7:17

this movie. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what

7:19

I will say. While it is coming

7:21

from the same creative force, it definitely

7:23

has a new tone. I definitely felt

7:26

like this has a different, you might

7:28

call a vile darkness to it that

7:30

I wasn't expecting. It is not the

7:32

exact same experience that we were so

7:34

confounded by a couple weeks ago. I

7:36

mean, honestly, I feel like a spell

7:39

was put on me. I didn't even

7:41

know how to talk about wrath of

7:43

the Dragon God. But this one does go

7:45

in, I will offer a different direction.

7:47

different from any Dungeons and

7:49

Dragons movie we've gotten before.

7:51

I will agree with that.

7:53

Just to preview my thoughts

7:55

a little bit, I came into this expecting

7:58

the absolute work. because again

8:00

this movie is gone forgotten and the

8:02

last Dungeons and Dragons film sucked really

8:05

bad I figure we're in a in

8:07

the name of the king three type

8:09

situation here. Mm-hmm. Yeah that last one

8:12

left such a bad taste in my

8:14

mouth that I was definitely not looking

8:16

forward to this but not to give

8:18

the whole game away it's a completely

8:21

different flavor this week I'll say that.

8:23

All right well let's taste it Arnie

8:25

let's go into your dark place give

8:27

us the plot 2000 years ago an

8:30

evil sorcerer was dying So he used

8:32

his body to create the book of

8:34

vile darkness. A book so wretched that

8:36

to read it would turn you evil.

8:39

This book caused darkness to come over

8:41

the kingdom of Karkov. Eight hundred years

8:43

ago, a group of warriors rose up

8:46

against the evil ones. They called themselves

8:48

the knights of the new son and

8:50

the god of light, Pelor, granted the

8:52

knights' amulets great power. The knights were

8:55

victorious against evil and the book was

8:57

torn apart, its pieces in hiding. awaiting

8:59

a time when it could be reassembled.

9:01

I just want to say all of

9:04

this is in like a pencil sketch

9:06

prologue that you just described. None of

9:08

this is the actual movie. You just

9:11

need to understand this in order to

9:13

get the movie. Now the Knights of

9:15

the New Sun exist as an order,

9:17

but they have lost their devotion and

9:20

Pellar's powers were taken away from them.

9:22

We meet our paladin, Grayson, who's being

9:24

inducted into the order and is gravely

9:26

disappointed when Pellar does not grant him

9:29

the magical powers of old. Soon a

9:31

group of barbarians attack the knights. Most

9:33

knights are killed, but Grayson's father, who

9:35

is also a knight of the new

9:38

son, is kidnapped, and Grayson is left

9:40

unconscious. When he comes to, Grayson sets

9:42

about trying to rescue his father. He

9:45

joins a group of bandits who work

9:47

for the barbarians. That group is led

9:49

by sorceress accordia, assassin Seith, barbarian Vemac,

9:51

and Vermin Lord Bez. The group is

9:54

trying to find a magic horn that

9:56

will lead them to the lost cover

9:58

of the book. That horn is hidden

10:00

in a... dragon's layer. The group tried

10:03

to sneak past the dragon, but it

10:05

attacks. Grayson kills the dragon and they

10:07

retrieve the horn. This causes Aquaria to

10:10

fall through the young knight and they

10:12

make love. Grayson then poisons Vemack. Sith

10:14

tries to steal the horn, but he

10:16

is killed by Bez. The three remaining

10:19

adventurers proceed to use the horn and

10:21

get the cover of the book, but

10:23

Bez is stabbed through the chest in

10:25

the encounter. They find Shathracks in the

10:28

same compound as where Grayson's father is

10:30

being kept and tortured. Grayson frees his

10:32

father, but there seems to be no

10:35

escape from the fortress. Grayson's father suggests

10:37

they kill themselves to stop being tortured,

10:39

but Grayson refuses to give up hope.

10:41

This act of optimism grants him the

10:44

magical powers from the light god Pelor.

10:46

Grayson defeats Shathrax and his minions. In

10:48

the aftermath, accordia tries to convince Grayson

10:50

to go with her, but he decides

10:53

to remain a pure, chaste night. as

10:55

credits roll. Yeah, and as they start,

10:57

we do get probably about six minutes

10:59

of this very short movie is dedicated

11:02

to an idea already. I think you

11:04

brought it up. I think you actually

11:06

named, I don't remember what the work

11:09

was, but I remember you evoking Clive

11:11

Barker and thinking about a book made

11:13

of skin for pages, blood for ink,

11:15

and bone for a cover. Someone has

11:18

read that Clive Barker book as well.

11:20

This is definitely a Clive Barker tale.

11:22

The necromachron, right? Hmm. Well, I was

11:24

definitely thinking about the books of blood

11:27

with the blood being ink and the

11:29

skin being pages and all of that,

11:31

but if they were ripping off Clive

11:34

Barker, they did it fast because this

11:36

is actually from D&D Mythos from a

11:38

book that was published in 1986. Now

11:40

I know Clive Barker's books of blood

11:43

were what 8485 in the UK. So...

11:45

They'd have to have really worked fast.

11:47

I think this is more like Justin

11:49

called out the necronomicon. They're probably looking

11:52

at evil dead too when they're creating

11:54

their book of vile darkness for D&D.

11:56

Yeah, again, I'm not really here to

11:58

say who ripped off food. Perhaps Kly

12:01

Barker was playing D&D and said, this

12:03

is my next opus. I'm here to

12:05

say that this D&D movie feels like

12:08

Kly Barker would direct it. There is

12:10

a kinkiness, there's a bondage, S&M quality,

12:12

there's a savagery to all of the

12:14

players, a moral ambiguity slash evilness that

12:17

you just can't find in any other

12:19

of these campaigns that we've been on.

12:21

They say... that this darkness is spread

12:23

by this book and that these good

12:26

guys rose up but I don't feel

12:28

like there's that many good guys here.

12:30

Yeah, this opening, as you mentioned, of

12:33

pencil sketches and things going on here,

12:35

is really extended. You know, whenever we

12:37

start with a day-to-dump voiceover, and I

12:39

feel like every Dungeons and Dragons film

12:42

has done this, most fantasy films probably

12:44

do this. I mean, even the Star

12:46

Wars films have their crawl, but I'm

12:48

always trying to write down every word

12:51

of this lore from the background because

12:53

we're going to analyze it. And so

12:55

I'm writing down two thousand years ago...

12:58

a sorcerer neared the end of his

13:00

mortal days and was dismayed. Consumed with

13:02

hatred for all things living, he sold

13:04

his soul to the demon lords of

13:07

the abyss, so his soul would survive

13:09

after his body perished. And I'm like,

13:11

okay, interesting. In an excruciating ritual, his

13:13

skin was flayed, his bones hammered, his

13:16

diseased blood written into a, all right,

13:18

get on with it. This thing goes

13:20

on and on. I literally put in

13:22

my notes, fuck, how long is this

13:25

prologue? And then it continued. The ink

13:27

was discovered and destroyed. It's like, holy

13:29

shit! How long is this damn thing

13:32

anyway? I thought we were getting a

13:34

little data dump of background that we

13:36

needed for the story. We're getting basically

13:38

an entire movie in the first 10

13:41

minutes. Question about that. I'll just go

13:43

ahead and call it out. I felt

13:45

like this movie was incredibly short. I

13:47

felt like the quest that we go

13:50

on is truncated in a weird way.

13:52

And I'm just going to go ahead

13:54

and say it. Do you think that

13:57

they weren't able to film the whole

13:59

movie? All the other Dungeons and Dragon

14:01

movies were an hour 45. It feels

14:03

like 25 minutes of movie. I'm not

14:06

asking for it. I'm grateful for the

14:08

brevity, but don't you feel like there

14:10

are chunks of story that are just

14:12

gone? Yeah, it feels like maybe there's

14:15

a quest or two that they weren't

14:17

able to film, right? Like, I would

14:19

say that, you know, they need to

14:21

establish their characters more, but there's plenty

14:24

of just standing around talking scenes too.

14:26

Mm-hmm. Yeah, the end felt especially truncated

14:28

to me also. Yes, oh God, yes.

14:31

Like, when this thing is over, it

14:33

is just over. And I can't believe

14:35

that that was the intent. Again, judging

14:37

by what has already been written and

14:40

created by this team, the fact that

14:42

we're supposed to be finding bits and

14:44

pieces of a book. We're told in

14:46

this very long prologue that the evil

14:49

people broke the book back up, right?

14:51

That somehow you extract the blood into

14:53

a vial, and you got the bones

14:56

somewhere else, and you got the pages

14:58

somewhere else? Why is all of the

15:00

quest that we spend time on trying

15:02

to find a horn? Like, what does

15:05

that got to do with the book?

15:07

All of these D&D movies also have

15:09

these subquests where to get our main

15:11

goal we have to achieve this side

15:14

quest first, you know, in order for

15:16

Justin Whalen to find the orb he

15:18

first had to find the eye or

15:21

go through that maze and things. And

15:23

so the horn is like a waypoint

15:25

because the horn will lead them then

15:27

to the book. Yeah, but the whole

15:30

movie is the horn and then all

15:32

of a sudden we're like, it's back.

15:34

Right, I forgot about the book, but

15:36

you're right, like, in the movie's logic,

15:39

he was really just trying to band

15:41

up with these people to go on

15:43

the quest for the pages of the

15:45

book and stuff. Mm-hmm. He got sidetracked

15:48

on... the side quest became the whole

15:50

movie. Yeah. So let's just go past

15:52

the prologue. Let's just assume we skip

15:55

it. How much of this movie would

15:57

even make sense if you took that

15:59

away or if that wasn't added in

16:01

post-production to elongate this movie to a

16:04

runtime that would be acceptable to sci-fi

16:06

channel? Yeah, I mean, despite it being

16:08

too long, the opening isn't bad. It

16:10

reminds me of the motion comics I

16:13

used to watch that Marvel put out

16:15

because it's like still drawings that are

16:17

then... computer motion just a little bit.

16:20

And so as far as prologues go,

16:22

I've seen worse. At least this one

16:24

was visually interesting and had a D&D

16:26

feel. I'm glad we have this prologue

16:29

because it does set up the stakes

16:31

of our Macawen of this film, the

16:33

book of vile darkness, that it caused

16:35

1,200 years of death. Now it would

16:38

have been nice if somewhere in all

16:40

of this we ever heard the name

16:42

Shathrax because that's going to be the

16:44

big bad we're dealing with who shows

16:47

up at the very end of this

16:49

and it's like who is this guy

16:51

with his lips stapled shut but I

16:54

guess the prologue's long enough that I

16:56

don't need to know when Shathrax began

16:58

his quest to reassemble the book. Yeah

17:00

just to underline it. What we hear

17:03

in the prologue is Negrull. But Negrull

17:05

ain't in this movie as Shathrax. Is

17:07

Shathrax. Yeah, Negruel's the one who died

17:09

to make the book. The book is

17:12

Negruel's flesh. And then Shathrax is the

17:14

big mastermind behind putting it together. We

17:16

find out in the last five minutes

17:19

of this film. Right. A competent movie

17:21

would have some flashback scenes or we

17:23

would be seeing him talk to Baccordia,

17:25

you know, at some point showing us

17:28

there's some connection between all of this.

17:30

But yeah, no, he just pops up

17:32

in the last scene, that's it. So

17:34

what I'm really saying is as we

17:37

begin to do what we do and

17:39

break down a plot such as we

17:41

can find it, I want to just

17:44

recognize that even though I don't think

17:46

these guys are skilled as storytellers, as

17:48

proof of my review of their last

17:50

efforts, I do think they were hobbled.

17:53

think that unfortunately they just weren't able

17:55

to make the full movie they were

17:57

set out to make and so yeah

17:59

very weird it's one of the many

18:02

things that make this book of vile

18:04

darkness feel different than wrath of the

18:06

Dragon God But then yes, we do

18:08

hop into modern day and we're seeing

18:11

the Knights of the New Sun and

18:13

the prologue had told us that they've

18:15

basically become lazy because Good has ruled

18:18

for 800 years and so the Scott

18:20

of Light is no longer giving them

18:22

their special amulate powers. and horny, right?

18:24

I mean they have to give up

18:27

worldly pleasures. These guys are monks, right?

18:29

They're not just knights. They go and

18:31

pray to a giant phallus. They call

18:33

the obelisk. I guess there's a carved

18:36

sun at the top of it. It

18:38

looks like a big dig to me.

18:40

And they have to give up all

18:43

worldly pleasures and just be, quote, a

18:45

beacon of light, which is just another

18:47

way of saying, no sex for you.

18:49

Yeah, I mean, these guys, I mean,

18:52

we get a quick shot of them.

18:54

I couldn't even tell you how many

18:56

people were there. I mean, it was

18:58

a group of them, 10, 15 maybe,

19:01

but what we're supposed to take away

19:03

from this is a father and son.

19:05

It's a son who's ready to take

19:07

on the trials or ask the obelisk

19:10

for power. I don't even understand what's

19:12

going on. He's touching his sword to

19:14

this rock and disappointed that it didn't

19:17

shoot lightning at him. Pretty much. They

19:19

used to have a connection, a direct

19:21

connection. It seems like the God of

19:23

light is what gave them the magic

19:26

power, you know, hold it up, Castle

19:28

of Grace call shit, and they could

19:30

vanquish the evil back in the day,

19:32

and now they just looked like nerds,

19:35

right? We put on the costumes, we

19:37

wear the amulate, we touched the big

19:39

fallas, and nothing happens. We have no

19:42

real power, and we're giving up all

19:44

the worldly pleasure, for no good reason.

19:46

And I also don't think that this

19:48

actor looks old enough or anything like

19:51

our main character. But yeah, it took

19:53

me a beat to realize that this

19:55

is a father trying to comfort a

19:57

son and welcome him into this. nightly

20:00

order. Yeah, it's not really made clear.

20:02

I'll say now I watched this movie

20:04

twice. It's short, it wasn't a huge

20:07

commitment. But the first time I watched

20:09

it, I thought this guy was being

20:11

inducted into the order and when he

20:13

didn't have Castle Grey skull light up

20:16

his sword, I thought it was a

20:18

fellow knight cheering him up. Even though

20:20

he says, my father said to me,

20:22

words I'll now say to you, I

20:25

didn't get that this was this guy's

20:27

father. Like you say, they don't look

20:29

that old. And so it wasn't driven

20:31

home that this is a legacy thing

20:34

but our main guy Grayson does have

20:36

main character syndrome as he knows none

20:38

of these knights of the son including

20:41

his father got this power from Pellos

20:43

but he thought he would be the

20:45

one he was good enough that if

20:47

he went up there and touched his

20:50

sword to the stone he'd get the

20:52

power but they do look like silly

20:54

cos players all those background people look

20:56

like grips that they were just given

20:59

swords and told stand and hold it

21:01

in front of you. And this is

21:03

my question, because it seems like Grayson,

21:06

for much, most, all of the movie,

21:08

is basically pushing back against this legacy.

21:10

Once he does this ritual at the

21:12

beginning and realizes it's a sham, it's

21:15

like, you know, he got to level

21:17

10 in Scientology and went, I don't

21:19

want to do this no more. And

21:21

it seems to be against it. Seems

21:24

to want to, like, sell his amolate

21:26

for the value of its gold and

21:28

is running away from the oath that

21:30

he just took. Yeah, I mean, what

21:33

happens is a group comes in, we

21:35

barely see it, but all the nights

21:37

are slaughtered, and Grayson and his father

21:40

joined the attack last, and when Grayson

21:42

wakes up, everybody's dead. There's no order

21:44

to be a part of anymore. Now

21:46

he's no longer as interested in being

21:49

a knight as he is in rescuing

21:51

his father. Right. But how does he

21:53

know that his father was taken? Did

21:55

he see it? there he knows that

21:58

he was taken? I believe that is

22:00

true. He looks around, he's his father,

22:02

looks around, I don't know all these

22:05

extras, I don't know how you could

22:07

tell, one from the other, but he

22:09

goes trudging off to a local village,

22:11

finds a sex worker whose brother was

22:14

also in the order, and again there's

22:16

a whole sexual tension about like take

22:18

off your clothes, and he's like, nope,

22:20

I got the amulate and all of

22:23

that, but she knows, she does mention

22:25

that he was taken by Shathrax. That

22:27

is the first time we hear that

22:30

name. And this sex worker you talk

22:32

about, I mean, Grayson doesn't know her.

22:34

It's not like because her brother was

22:36

a knight, she's a contact of his.

22:39

He just wanders into the nearest town,

22:41

sees a bunch of barbarians who I

22:43

guess have just gangbanged this sex worker

22:45

because they're like all leaving it together

22:48

at the same time. So he goes

22:50

in to find out about them and

22:52

he's ready to sell his amulet and

22:54

she just is like, oh, my brother

22:57

was a knight of the new son.

22:59

He died a pauperber. and alone. So

23:01

yeah, it's not really a great career

23:04

path to have that big amulate around

23:06

your neck. Right. They seem to be

23:08

like a loser club and now they're

23:10

actually needed because out of nowhere and

23:13

no one can explain to me what

23:15

they are just some dudes with purple

23:17

lightning shooting out of their fingers and

23:19

eyes just yeah killed a bunch of

23:22

people and I guess what they're spreading

23:24

the evil the book is being reassembled.

23:26

Were the knights protecting part of the

23:29

book? Who knows? We know that, or

23:31

I don't know, I heard somebody say

23:33

that Shathrax is sending out this group

23:35

we're going to meet in this green

23:38

dragon in bar, that they are the

23:40

ones tasked with finding some element. Again,

23:42

the horn to get them, the pages,

23:44

to get them the book, they are

23:47

feeling confident that now is the time

23:49

to make a new book of vile

23:51

darkness. And we know the knights aren't

23:53

hiding the book because we were told

23:56

the knights tried to hunt it down

23:58

and they were able to find the...

24:00

Inc blood. Right. And they destroyed the

24:03

ink. So if you're going to have

24:05

this book, I guess they're still writing

24:07

it. It's like the Bible. It goes

24:09

from person to person and they keep

24:12

writing new passages. So if they're going

24:14

to write more in the book, they

24:16

need new blood to do it. We'll

24:18

get to that later. But the nights

24:21

don't know where the pages and cover

24:23

are, but they figure they're just lost

24:25

to time. I'm going to stop and

24:28

just give the briefest of compliments. I

24:30

kind of like this as a concept.

24:32

I do actually think it's darker, right?

24:34

There's something a little bit more foreboding,

24:37

there's something a little bit more sinister

24:39

and kinky, and the morality is a

24:41

little bit more gray. Certainly when we

24:43

see the band of heroes, air quotes

24:46

around that, that Grayson is going to

24:48

align himself with, I mean, typically these

24:50

are a colorful band of characters that

24:53

we're all supposed to like, and they

24:55

are all competing for a worst human

24:57

being on the planet. Oh, I didn't

24:59

think we were supposed to like them.

25:02

I thought this was a group of

25:04

villains that our character is embedding himself

25:06

with. You are correct, but in any

25:08

other story that we've ever had, you

25:11

see a bunch of colorful goofballs with

25:13

different talents come together and we love

25:15

them, is my point. And here it's

25:17

a real shock to realize that they're

25:20

all awful, vile people. Yeah, our quest

25:22

crew, you would think, would be our

25:24

heroes with maybe one or two turncoats

25:27

inside that you find out later. They

25:29

were actually working for somebody else the

25:31

whole time. But right off the bat,

25:33

these guys are all just deplorable. I

25:36

mean, for him to even get in

25:38

with this group, they make him murder

25:40

somebody in the tavern they're in just

25:42

to prove that he's willing to go

25:45

along with them. Right. However, he seems

25:47

to skirt their rules because what they

25:49

say is, if you want to join

25:52

us, you have to kill someone here

25:54

without provocation in cold blood. But then

25:56

one of these people tries to sneak

25:58

up behind him and he sees him

26:01

in a mirror, he kills them in

26:03

self-defense. And they're like, all right, well,

26:05

you killed someone. I'm like, wait a

26:07

second, that wasn't cold blood. That wasn't

26:10

without provocation. Right. Because they want us

26:12

to still like Grayson. Everyone else is

26:14

morally gray, but he... I think most

26:16

of the time, and so we're getting

26:19

near the end, is a pretty good

26:21

guy, right? Or at least this early

26:23

on, yes, he killed an elf that

26:26

I think he took his seat, right?

26:28

He sat down and the elf got

26:30

indignant and was gonna spear him for

26:32

taking his seat. They were talking about

26:35

how if he did join them, he

26:37

would get one-twelfth of the treasure because

26:39

there's six of them and he's only

26:41

half a person. Well, by killing the

26:44

elf and showing that he's good with

26:46

a good with a sword, to battle

26:48

a dragon. And I will agree with

26:51

you though Stuart. I actually like this

26:53

as a setup. I think it's much

26:55

cleaner than the last two movies we've

26:57

had. It's really simple. It's a quest

27:00

to rescue my father and to do

27:02

this, I have to go in with

27:04

bad people. I mean, this is almost

27:06

a, dare I make an analogy, a

27:09

Donnie Brasco type situation of somebody who

27:11

goes in with bad people to undermine

27:13

them and then starts to get seduced

27:16

by the lifestyle he's being taken in

27:18

by. Mm-hmm. Yeah, there is a moral

27:20

corruption that does happen. It's going to

27:22

be in the form of their leader.

27:25

We have this woman named Accordia, who

27:27

wears an amulate on a headband that

27:29

allows her to make phone calls. She

27:31

is constantly calling in and telling Lord

27:34

Shathracks what they're doing, where they're going,

27:36

that they're real jerks. and this group

27:38

I like that they're colorful and very

27:40

visually distinct. Last time we had people

27:43

who yeah they did look very different

27:45

you had like this giant woman and

27:47

then you had the other woman but

27:50

here I really kind of like the

27:52

look of the four bad guys as

27:54

you mentioned we have our phantom of

27:56

the opera Bez who wears like this

27:59

bone mask and is I'm not really

28:01

quite sure what he is in D&D

28:03

lore. but he doesn't seem to have

28:05

a lot of magic, but some magic.

28:08

Yeah, at one point he's referred to

28:10

as vermin lord and takes great pleasure.

28:12

I'll just go ahead and jump to

28:15

the fact that like his idea of

28:17

entertainment is to like pluck a ring

28:19

off a corpse, bring it to the

28:21

widow, make her put it on so

28:24

she can see how her husband was

28:26

brutally killed, and then comfort the orphan

28:28

child by touching his teddy bear and

28:30

infecting it with all of these synopeds.

28:33

Like he is plague and seems to

28:35

be enjoying hurting innocent folk. The thing

28:37

I took away from that scene, those

28:39

sort, is that like I think in

28:42

his heart he was trying to prepare

28:44

the child that he's now the man

28:46

of the house and he was ruining

28:49

his teddy bear, saying it's time to

28:51

grow up. Ah. You're now the one

28:53

who's got to protect your mom. Yeah,

28:55

he talks about being the father. He's

28:58

even going to imply that he should

29:00

be Grayson's father. I didn't know how

29:02

sincere that was. I don't understand any

29:04

of these characters. He's going to actually

29:07

play a pivotal role. And then I

29:09

also like Vimak who is in this

29:11

whole body paint. He's this giant barbarian

29:14

and he just has a striking look

29:16

to him that I wouldn't have expected

29:18

so much body paint in such a

29:20

cheap movie. I mean in the 2000

29:23

movie where they overspent at the cheap

29:25

budget of 30 million, sure. But here

29:27

I think he's a pretty badass looking

29:29

dude and he's kind of fun. He

29:32

seems very jovial for a villainous barbarian.

29:34

That word fun. Hmm, I don't know

29:36

if I can use it here, but

29:39

I hear what you're saying. Out of

29:41

all these characters, I feel like he

29:43

might be the one that actually does

29:45

have a moral center to him, right?

29:48

The rest of them seem like they're

29:50

playing a game and anything they say

29:52

to anybody should be taken with a

29:54

grain of salt. But the MAC does

29:57

feel like he might actually be true

29:59

to his word. Well, and keep in

30:01

mind, accordia is assembling all of these

30:03

people. She's hiring all of these people.

30:06

She's hiring them on. good but yeah

30:08

put a pin in that feedback is

30:10

another one to watch. And then we've

30:13

got the boring one in my mind

30:15

is Seath who's this head tattooed assassin

30:17

and armor. He doesn't really do a

30:19

whole lot in this one but he's

30:22

muscle in the group. A lot of

30:24

monologuing. I feel like he wants to

30:26

be on the stage. Like anytime anything

30:28

bad happens, he will just be there

30:31

for a long soliloquy about how evil

30:33

is the right choice and is just

30:35

always talking tough in almost a Shakespearean

30:38

way. And finally, the leader of the

30:40

group, who I saved for last, accordia,

30:42

the only woman in this group, and

30:44

yeah, she's a powerful sorceress and... Potential

30:47

lover? Yeah. Not that great an actress,

30:49

she's, you know, kind of wooden. Yeah,

30:51

the gambit of this movie is even

30:53

though she is evil to the core

30:56

and is always putting her mercenaries in

30:58

place, she likes Grayson for reasons. Because

31:00

he is innocent, because he is virginal,

31:02

because she likes to corrupt. I'm just

31:05

making wild stabs in the dark. I

31:07

really don't see the chemistry develop in

31:09

this movie, but it is, we'll find

31:12

out, the central love affair. Yeah, and

31:14

you're right. It's not on screen. As

31:16

a matter of fact, she seems to

31:18

be repulsed by him, but is that

31:21

a meat cute? I don't know. Not

31:23

cute, not in this movie. Yeah. It

31:25

just seems to be they're the two

31:27

good looking people on screen, so of

31:30

course we got to put them together

31:32

at some point. Right. Anyway, they're all

31:34

going into this cave to find a

31:37

horn. This is again, where I'm like,

31:39

why can't we just make it simple?

31:41

Yeah, but I do somewhat enjoy what

31:43

they're doing with this dragon scene. I

31:46

mean, we get Bez using this I-thing,

31:48

which is, you know, the CGI in

31:50

this, I'm not going to compliment it,

31:52

I'm not going to say it's good

31:55

or anything, but I've seen worse in

31:57

the previous Dungeons and Dragons movies. Yeah.

31:59

And so his floating eyeball going through

32:02

this dragon cave is kind of fun

32:04

and then these swords come out of

32:06

nowhere these axes like again another Raiders

32:08

of the Lost Ark thing I thought

32:11

it caught off his eyeball like the

32:13

ocular nerve was severed but he's able

32:15

to retract the eyeball it's just bloody

32:17

Yeah, they make it seem like the

32:20

optic nerve can go like 500 feet

32:22

and it is kind of cool that

32:24

it's like sneaking around but I don't

32:26

understand his math. Earlier they had talked

32:29

about if the dragon ate five people

32:31

it'll be asleep for five hours or

32:33

something like that. He's seeing the corpses.

32:36

To me that would mean the dragon

32:38

hasn't eaten but he thinks by seeing

32:40

all these bodies the dragon must be

32:42

asleep and then it's supposed to be

32:45

a surprise when we have this dragon

32:47

attack. Yeah and I wasn't sure if

32:49

he woke up the dragon and that's

32:51

what happened but yeah the dragon comes

32:54

on the attack and again not a

32:56

great dragon but not the worst dragon

32:58

I've seen in the past few weeks.

33:01

Yeah it's the best dragon we've seen

33:03

so far right like it's completely different

33:05

model it's got some texture to it

33:07

rather than just being a gelatinous blob

33:10

of shiny objects. Yeah, this world is

33:12

established by part three. You kind of

33:14

know what it's going for in terms

33:16

of its production values. And so it

33:19

is the dragon you deserve if you're

33:21

sitting down for this movie. And Grayson

33:23

is the only one willing to kind

33:25

of stand his ground. The others kind

33:28

of go into hiding. Bez has this

33:30

trick where he can turn into a

33:32

plague of flies. And I guess that

33:35

allows him to scatter and not be

33:37

corporal form that can be targeted. But

33:39

everyone else fails here, except for our

33:41

young night. And he's able to grab

33:44

a ring from accordia and cause a

33:46

bunch of rocks to collapse and kill

33:48

the dragon, but they think he died

33:50

with it, which would make this movie

33:53

very short. But no, he survived and

33:55

he's now the Dragon Slayer and Bez

33:57

is going to put a dragon tail

34:00

around his neck so he can show

34:02

everyone. He's a... Dragon Slayer, he's wearing

34:04

a lot around his neck because underneath

34:06

his armor he got the big flave

34:09

a flave like medallion and now on

34:11

top of the armor he's got the

34:13

dragon tail. Mm-hmm. Is what I mean?

34:15

What does he stand for? He's still

34:18

wearing the amulate, but in the first

34:20

scene, he was like, why do we

34:22

wear these? And at one point was

34:25

going to sell it for monetary value.

34:27

Does he think he's still a knight

34:29

of a new son? Does he still

34:31

believe in the things that he swore

34:34

an oath to? I know he wants

34:36

to get his father back, but is

34:38

there anything else that he wants to

34:40

keep alive from that order? I think

34:43

he is a truly noble person at

34:45

his core, which is why every time

34:47

this group of people wants to kill

34:49

someone, he's going to jump in the

34:52

middle and try to mediate. It's why

34:54

he still wears the ambulance as he

34:56

is trying to stay chased. I mean,

34:59

the dragon, it had three people alive

35:01

and the group wants to kill them,

35:03

but Grayson's like, no, we can take

35:05

them back to town and we'll be

35:08

prey. as heroes if we do that

35:10

and get better reward than just killing

35:12

them. So he's saving their life. Then

35:14

when he gets back in town some

35:17

hoochy mamas like you're a dragon Slayer

35:19

come bang me and he's going to

35:21

turn her down because I think he's

35:24

still trying to be chased and follow

35:26

the rules of that order. But is

35:28

he doing it because he believes in

35:30

the sun god? I don't think he

35:33

does. He's doing it because he wants

35:35

his dad to still be proud of

35:37

him. And boy did that relationship need

35:39

a lot more work than that opening

35:42

scene. Yeah, his motivations are unclear, but

35:44

what is clear is like Arne said,

35:46

he is at least trying to act

35:48

in a noble manner, right? He is

35:51

trying to do the right thing. Of

35:53

all of these, he's the only one,

35:55

yes. Everyone else is really despicable. Again,

35:58

they're like, oh you're right, we can

36:00

take these people and convince the town

36:02

to let us in so that we

36:04

can then do bad things. You know,

36:07

like take your pick, everyone here, I've

36:09

already mentioned that... Bez is tormenting widows

36:11

by giving back the rings that will

36:13

haunt their nightmares forever. The assassin is

36:16

maybe the worst one. He is waiting

36:18

in the shadows. They have a scepter.

36:20

They bring back a scepter from the

36:23

dragon cave, give it to the mayor

36:25

of the town, and when one of

36:27

the people is putting it away in

36:29

their treasure trove, he sneaks in and

36:32

slits the guy's throat. Yeah, Grayson didn't

36:34

realize, but the others had all planned

36:36

on just robbing this town of every

36:38

speck of gold that it has. And

36:41

so they're doing that in the night

36:43

while accordia is, I guess the word

36:45

I'll use is seducing. It's kind of

36:48

a broad term for what she does

36:50

to Grayson, but in the end, he's

36:52

basically forced to either reveal himself or

36:54

sleep with her. Yeah, I think he

36:57

goes home with her because again that

36:59

headband she's talking to Shathrax he knows

37:01

his father is with Shathrax when she's

37:03

changing in the bathroom he puts on

37:06

that headband and there's a brief moment

37:08

where he can actually see his father

37:10

has been chained up and some minion

37:12

is like Lord Shathrax what shall we

37:15

do and it just seems like his

37:17

father is the vessel for this new

37:19

book that they're draining him of blood

37:22

that they're going to turn him into

37:24

volume number two of the mildard novel.

37:26

Well yeah and this is our first

37:28

clue or first hint that Grayson has

37:31

any reason to believe his father is

37:33

still alive and would be going on

37:35

a quest to save him so up

37:37

to this point I think he was

37:40

just going along for the ride like

37:42

he felt like he needed to do

37:44

something but I'm not sure what that

37:47

was. I don't think he thought accordia

37:49

was hot I don't see it and

37:51

again she nags him into it but

37:53

he really doesn't like her. And I

37:56

found it funny because she is not

37:58

a great actress. She also very clearly

38:00

has a barbed wire tattoo on her

38:02

right bicep that I think the makeup

38:05

people tried to cover very poorly like

38:07

they just ran to Sephora to get

38:09

some foundation and smear it on her

38:11

arm to try to hide it because

38:14

why would this person in Dungeons and

38:16

Dragons time have a Pamela Anderson tattoo?

38:18

Barb wire? Not Barbed wire? Well though

38:21

it's barbed wire but... Okay all right

38:23

yeah she's not sporting a Pam dad.

38:25

No I was saying the same one

38:27

that Pamela Anderson has. Okay fair as

38:30

if we we've ever covered that movie

38:32

I don't know how well that that

38:34

tattoo is identified with said star. No,

38:36

I noticed that too, Arne, but I'm

38:39

going to give the movie a little

38:41

bit of credit here. I think that's

38:43

a function of her ability to release

38:46

her arm in a ghost fashion and

38:48

send it, you know, 50 yards away

38:50

that she does a few times. Oh,

38:52

so that was supposed to be scar

38:55

tissue, not a bad tattoo cover, okay?

38:57

I think so, right? Maybe it works

38:59

as both, but, you know. Yeah, and

39:01

she does fetishize scarring. I mean, later

39:04

he's going to nick her with his

39:06

sword and she's going to be like,

39:08

oh, I hope it scars or something

39:11

like that. She's into that kink. And

39:13

again, Clive Barker, S&M, this feels like

39:15

a dirty skinamax movie. It does not

39:17

feel like the D&D movie of last

39:20

time. Yeah, it's worth mentioning that this

39:22

is the first D&D movie to exist

39:24

in the same world as Game of

39:26

Thrones at this point. Hmm. I feel

39:29

like, you know, they watched a couple

39:31

episodes out like, oh, lots of titties.

39:33

We're going to do that too. Right,

39:35

good point, good point, yes, Game of

39:38

Thrones would have been on, not when

39:40

the second movie came out, but now,

39:42

yes, this is their reference, this is

39:45

what they're ripping off, and that's why

39:47

we have this extended scene of Vymack,

39:49

just, I heard no consent. It was

39:51

like, oh, let me just grab this

39:54

woman and head to the bathhouse. Mm-hmm.

39:56

I thought they were all prostitutes because

39:58

there's a lot of them and they

40:00

all seem to be having a pretty

40:03

good time. In fact, I dare say

40:05

there's too many of them. There are

40:07

so many that they're just like lounging

40:10

around and giggling and have nothing to

40:12

do. They're not doing anything with each

40:14

other. They're just basically waiting for their

40:16

turn with Vymack. They're kind of rubbing

40:19

each other. on each other. They're having

40:21

a nice lower gee. Yeah, I'm not

40:23

going to say it's the best porn

40:25

I've ever seen, but there was at

40:28

least the titillation to get you thinking

40:30

that yes, this is really a hot

40:32

bathhouse and Vybeck does pay for it.

40:34

The next day he does throw a

40:37

gym at one of the women. I

40:39

do think it was services paid. And

40:41

he's got gyms to burn because again

40:44

they've stolen the town's treasure. The assassin

40:46

has all the loot and accordia knows

40:48

that. This was all a plan. Of

40:50

course, Grayson is going to try to

40:53

talk out of it because the people

40:55

of the town are ready to attack

40:57

and Grayson knows that this little band

40:59

can take over this whole town. So

41:02

he's like, why don't we just take

41:04

half the treasure and walk away and

41:06

the mayor's good with that, but then

41:09

Bez is going to kill the mayor

41:11

anyway and then they will have to

41:13

slaughter the entire town. Did that not

41:15

make your head spin? Because I really

41:18

thought like I believe in this moment.

41:20

When the mayor says, okay, we'll let

41:22

you take half of our treasure, that

41:24

seems like a good deal. Mm-hmm. But

41:27

it ain't good enough. Boom! Like he

41:29

doesn't just die, he explodes. He found

41:31

a blood. Again, I really thought, again,

41:34

suicide squad. Sure, these are bad people,

41:36

but we'll grow to like them in

41:38

their scampy, rapscalion way. No, I hate

41:40

these assholes. They have no morals, and

41:43

this is a really bad crowd. And

41:45

yet I like them because they are

41:47

that evil. Like I don't know what's

41:49

going to happen next. I don't feel

41:52

like I'm in a formula film. Agreed.

41:54

when we see the people who he's

41:56

becoming friendly with, if not friends with,

41:58

he never fully trust them, but they're

42:01

all going to slaughter everyone in this

42:03

town and he's left not knowing what

42:05

to do, he pulls out his big

42:08

amulate to stop somebody from killing him

42:10

and then that person gets killed from

42:12

behind and he's just going to go

42:14

into the sewers to lead some children

42:17

to safety. My favorite scene, I gotta

42:19

say, this actually made me genuinely laugh.

42:21

He was like, kids, we're all gonna

42:23

go into the forest. What's your favorite

42:26

forest animal? Zombies! What about unicorns? Nah,

42:28

that's for girls. Yeah, I love that.

42:30

Right? At this point, the movie's middling,

42:33

right? Like, if they're trying to get

42:35

us to be on board with these

42:37

over-the-top villainous characters, then they need to

42:39

also put a little effort into making

42:42

us believe how innocent and how worthy

42:44

these townsfolk are of not being murdered,

42:46

right? As it plays, it's just, eh,

42:48

they're people in this town, they're getting

42:51

murdered, you know, that's bad. Let's move

42:53

on. I agree, but middling is a

42:55

step up from what we've gotten, so

42:57

I'm kind of happy. And do feel

43:00

bad. I mean, Delgar, I did not

43:02

know ye, but he was one of

43:04

the sleeping corpses they found in the

43:07

dragon's thing. What a thing to be

43:09

brought home and revived and say, these

43:11

are the heroes, let us in, and

43:13

then be speared by them. Again, it

43:16

just really makes me hate these people

43:18

when I was prepared for a formula

43:20

story where I'd be asked to love.

43:22

young guy after he rescues the kid

43:25

is like looking at his clawed up

43:27

body after sex and is trying to

43:29

wash it all off, I'm thinking this

43:32

is a tragedy. I actually predict this

43:34

will be like him being the new

43:36

evil lord at the end. I start

43:38

to believe that this is about corruption

43:41

and not redemption. but I really want

43:43

to know how he can wear again

43:45

this clock-sized amulate under his armor and

43:47

yet be seduced and have sex where

43:50

he gets completely naked as we see

43:52

because there's a little bit of nudity

43:54

there and accordion never sees this amulate

43:57

and then they all go together after

43:59

this big battle to some body of

44:01

water where he's going to get naked

44:03

again and bathe and yet nobody sees

44:06

this huge ass amulate. Okay. Er, he's

44:08

going through his things as he's in

44:10

the water, you know, like a thief

44:12

would do. But here's the thing, I

44:15

think... Bez knows, just to kind of

44:17

jump to the end. Bez is playing

44:19

his own game and he has this

44:21

really awkward moment where he's trying to

44:24

make metaphor. He's like, you kill the

44:26

dragon, I'm going to give you the

44:28

tip of the tail. So yes, he's

44:31

not only wearing the giant amule. He's

44:33

wearing a giant dragon tail on top

44:35

of it. This man is being weighed

44:37

down. But Bez knows. And he tells

44:40

him this bizarre story about, do you

44:42

ever know how to kill a raccoon?

44:44

and they can't resist the hold on

44:46

to the apple knowing that the rock

44:49

is about to roll on them and

44:51

crush them. Bizarre, I can't imagine that

44:53

that is a common scenario for extinguishing

44:56

raccoons, but it's... trying to imply that

44:58

Bez is telling this man you're the

45:00

raccoon you are trying to go after

45:02

something and going to get stuck and

45:05

I'm going to crush you with the

45:07

rock so I think he knows again

45:09

the other ones are dumb and they're

45:11

self-interested and they want to just divide

45:14

up the treasure and go on their

45:16

separate ways they don't have an interest

45:18

in Grayson but accordia does because she

45:20

wants him to be her boy yeah

45:23

he decides in this moment the sex

45:25

worker insisted when he went to the

45:27

on a shopping spree that he buy

45:30

a vial of poison, I thought to

45:32

kill himself if things got bad, but

45:34

he has other ideas. And this is

45:36

another shocker scene. Yeah, I also thought

45:39

because she buys him the poison and

45:41

says, in case they make you talk,

45:43

it looks like a lot of poison

45:45

for a suicide to me, it was

45:48

a big vial of poison. Hmm. No,

45:50

right? Now for the whole town. But

45:52

here he's going over and talking to

45:55

Vymack and Vymack is saying, you know,

45:57

we're splitting up now and he's going

45:59

to go home and like avenge his

46:01

father. He's going to reclaim his title

46:04

of the town by killing a lot

46:06

of people. Yeah, again, don't candy color

46:08

this story where my family was killed

46:10

in an avalanche. I survived and was

46:13

cast out because the other villagers... blamed

46:15

me. We're so tough there. The barbarians

46:17

have such a machesmo that if you

46:20

are stupid enough to be killed by

46:22

an avalanche, you're not worthy of being

46:24

one of us. So his big dream

46:26

is to go back and kill everyone

46:29

in a village. And I just think,

46:31

oh man, who's the like here? Well

46:33

actually that seems like on its own

46:35

completely isolated that could be a hero's

46:38

story of you know coming back and

46:40

getting back at the people who ousted

46:42

him it's not the most evil of

46:44

these people and the fact that Grayson

46:47

decides to poison Vymack I don't understand

46:49

his motivation here at what point did

46:51

Grayson change and decide he wants to

46:54

murder this group he's been hanging out

46:56

with instead of just letting them part

46:58

ways Right. If you have to pick

47:00

one to murder just to get the

47:03

others in the group to think that

47:05

somebody betrayed them, he's the worst one

47:07

to pick. Pick one of the other

47:09

guys that actually is doing evil stuff.

47:12

You watch Bez, liquefy, a mayor just

47:14

minutes ago. Get him out of the

47:16

picture if you're going to do this.

47:19

I'm fine with anybody being given to

47:21

the poison. All of them. Toast to

47:23

you guys. This whole Shathrax crew, to

47:25

me, feels worthy of three glasses of

47:28

that poisoning agent. Well Grayson also has

47:30

a magic bag, a magic body bag,

47:32

right? He can shove the entire corpse

47:34

into this little satchel that magically shrinks

47:37

him down so he can drop it

47:39

in the water. Right. Oh, that's a

47:41

bag of holding. That is a very

47:43

well-known Dungeons and Dragons thing, because it

47:46

allows you to carry so much more

47:48

than you could ever possibly carry in

47:50

one small bag. I mean, you think

47:53

about every video game you've ever played

47:55

where you have this giant inventory of

47:57

stuff that somehow you're carrying, Dungeons and

47:59

Dragons has all written that away into

48:02

this bag of holding, and so he's

48:04

able to take the bag and put

48:06

Vymack and all of Vymack's treasure into

48:08

the bag into the bag. together so

48:11

that he can throw it into the

48:13

lake and people just think Vymack ran

48:15

off. Yeah, but you know what? If

48:18

you got a bag like... that put

48:20

that god damn ambulance in there put

48:22

that dragon tail in there you are

48:24

carrying too much stuff the big ass

48:27

sword that he's looking around that's twice

48:29

his size yeah if you got a

48:31

magic bag use it wisely So again,

48:33

I'm trying to figure out what is

48:36

this movie now. Okay, so this is

48:38

about a guy, this is vengeance. This

48:40

is Charles Bronson. This is me saying,

48:43

I hate this gang and I'm going

48:45

to secretly go around and whack them

48:47

all, but he doesn't take out Sief.

48:49

Sief is the assassin and actually has

48:52

Grayson at a disadvantage. When Sief decides

48:54

that he wants to get the horn

48:56

away from accordia, he thinks her weakness

48:58

is that she loves this guy, and

49:01

so he threatens to kill him. scorpion

49:03

in his hand. I think Bez can

49:05

just make scorpions happen, but yeah, again,

49:07

this is very weird to me because

49:10

we just killed Vymack and now the

49:12

assassin, Sith has betrayed them and he's

49:14

killed. So this group of five became

49:17

a group of three in the matter

49:19

of five minutes. I don't see a

49:21

reason for this in Grayson's motivation and

49:23

I don't see why the movie had

49:26

to write them off this way unless

49:28

they were... just looking to up a

49:30

body count. Yeah, I mean, the movie's

49:32

trying to tell us that Grayson's motivation

49:35

here is to get them back onto

49:37

the original plan, under the original quest

49:39

of going after the parts of this

49:42

book, right? That's what they decide to

49:44

do now that the treasure that they

49:46

just stole is gone. Okay, I'm barely

49:48

following that. I thought he was acting

49:51

like a knight of a new son

49:53

and vanquishing darkness, and that he saw

49:55

that as part of his mission to

49:57

make sure that everyone that works for

50:00

Lord Shathracks doesn't walk away rewarded. But

50:02

again, he doesn't kill this guy, and

50:04

it's kind of ironic, because when Steve

50:06

killed the town's person putting away the

50:09

scepter, he made a whole big deal

50:11

about how the strong prey on the

50:13

weak without mercy or remorse, how funny

50:16

that he dies begging for mercy for

50:18

mercy. begging for a courtia. to give

50:20

him a antidote to the scorpion tail

50:22

that he has just taken. But I

50:25

guess you're right. Now they have to,

50:27

why do they have to go get

50:29

a book? Well that was their whole

50:31

mission for Shathrax is to get the

50:34

book. So they have the horn, the

50:36

horn will lead them to the book,

50:38

and that book is guarded by. Actually

50:41

my favorite thing in this entire movie

50:43

is this creepy little girl. Yes, the

50:45

CGI is not photo real, but she

50:47

has this like PlayStation 3 creepy quality

50:50

to her and it does look like

50:52

something that might freak me out if

50:54

I was playing Silent Hill at 2

50:56

o'clock in the morning. Yeah, it had

50:59

a very silent hillfield to it, didn't

51:01

it? With the crazy mouth and her

51:03

weird eyes and just their body not

51:06

being right proportions. Like you said, it's

51:08

not great CGI, but it's above what

51:10

we've seen in the past in the

51:12

series. Yeah, and it just is unexpected

51:15

and dark in ways that maybe I

51:17

should be expecting at this point, but

51:19

yeah, that this little evil ghoul girl

51:21

lets you pass by sucking on your

51:24

finger and you have to be in

51:26

an interesting twist. She likes the taste

51:28

of evil, so you better have some

51:30

goodness in you. She takes Bez and

51:33

is like more, more, more. She tastes

51:35

Grayson and she's like, ah, you got

51:37

some of what I like in you,

51:40

but she tastes accordion goes, ooh, you're

51:42

in love. So she's kind of a

51:44

softie. We've now exposed the evil sorcerer's

51:46

woman as someone that has the potential

51:49

to love. And I ask you, do

51:51

we love her? Do we want her

51:53

to end up with Grayson? I found

51:55

that to be really interesting that we

51:58

have seen a change that Grayson has

52:00

become evil enough for this little creepy

52:02

girl through his actions and Bez is

52:05

going to even say it's because you

52:07

killed Vymack Bez knows what happened and

52:09

meanwhile accordia is becoming more pure through

52:11

her attraction to Grayson. I don't really

52:14

want to see these two together because

52:16

there's no... chemistry between accordia and anybody

52:18

on the screen at any given moments,

52:20

but I find this an interesting character

52:23

twist for them. Yeah, again, it's keeping

52:25

me on my toes. If I can't

52:27

expect to like this movie, I can

52:29

at least be grateful that I can't

52:32

anticipate every step of this journey. I

52:34

really don't know where they're going. And

52:36

again, my prediction is, Grayson is only

52:39

going to get worse and worse, that

52:41

there is no redemption for him when

52:43

they walk into the climax of this

52:45

film and meet Lord Shathrax, who apparently

52:48

didn't get the memo that this wasn't

52:50

Hellraiser dying. Yeah, Bez got... stabbed. They

52:52

were fighting after the little girl because

52:54

accordia wasn't evil enough. Then this helmed

52:57

horror comes out. It's this red glowy

52:59

thing and they have to fight it

53:01

and it's going to apparently kill Bez.

53:04

And it's not a bad CGI fight.

53:06

This feels like they're working within the

53:08

constraints of their budget. Instead of saying

53:10

we have to have a dragon, they're

53:13

saying what can we make that looks

53:15

somewhat cool with the 50 cents. they've

53:17

budgeted for this scene as though this

53:19

red glowy sword fight works and also

53:22

during the scene I'm really coming to

53:24

notice the score and thinking this film

53:26

has good music. It turns out this

53:29

is scored by the Newton brothers. This

53:31

is one of their early films. They

53:33

do most of Mike Flanagan's stuff. They

53:35

did Gerald's game. We talked about them

53:38

just a couple weeks ago with Wija

53:40

too. And they did Oculus at a

53:42

whole lot of movies these days. This

53:44

is one of their early works. And

53:47

it has good music because of it.

53:49

Yeah, like you said, this is a

53:51

good effect, you know, with this night

53:53

that, you know, where any of his

53:56

body would be showing is like a

53:58

specter of red vapor and whatnot, and

54:00

he puts up a pretty good fight,

54:03

but what confused me a little bit

54:05

is that he can be killed just

54:07

like a man? Like, they end up

54:09

defeating him by stabbing him. He's like,

54:12

but he's missed, he's a smoke, how

54:14

did that work? contriving all of this

54:16

to happen. I guess I'm a little

54:18

confused about what happens next. They suddenly

54:21

have a part of the book. I'm

54:23

not even sure what part. Yeah, they

54:25

have the cover, which they got when

54:28

they killed the red dude, but I

54:30

never saw them get it. Mm-mm. Like,

54:32

I never saw them pick it up.

54:34

They just killed the red dude and

54:37

then go off to see Shathracks as

54:39

I here it is. Yeah, like spawned

54:41

like in a video game you kill

54:43

the enemy and boom a gold coin

54:46

appears. And yeah, nobody told this guy

54:48

that he wasn't in Hellraiser 9, right?

54:50

With the stapled lips and the concubine

54:53

women that are going to do the

54:55

talking for him, he is totally ready

54:57

for Clyde Barker night at the S&M

54:59

Club. Yeah. And one other thing that

55:02

I'm noticing around this point in the

55:04

movie, though, I credited the music, but

55:06

the sound mix of this is terrible.

55:08

Every time they try to have any

55:11

kind of sound effects or clanging swords

55:13

or when they get to shaft racks,

55:15

there's a lot of like mechanic. sounds

55:17

and the background and things. All of

55:20

this is way too loud. Like it's

55:22

just overdone sound effects going on here

55:24

and it's made worse because Shathrax has

55:27

his lip stapled shut but he's speaking

55:29

telepathically through two women who are attached

55:31

to him who try to do the

55:33

same movements he does. He's now holding

55:36

the book of vile darkness. Who knows

55:38

where he got the pages? Who knows

55:40

where he got the pages? their arms

55:42

equally apart, like they're holding the book,

55:45

but very poorly. I think it's a

55:47

cool image to have these two women

55:49

sort of being the mouthpiece for the

55:52

evil dude. It works. Again, there's some

55:54

kind of kink to him and he's

55:56

like walking on them to the shadow

55:58

realm where you don't have to be

56:01

embarrassed about living your darkest desires. Again,

56:03

how is this going to end? We

56:05

see that Grayson sneaks off to unchane

56:07

his father and make a break that

56:10

doesn't go anywhere. They end up at

56:12

a window looking out and seeing that

56:14

they are floating on a rock and...

56:16

outer space, like there's nowhere for them

56:19

to go. So yeah, it seems to

56:21

me like Grayson is doomed, that when

56:23

they chain him up here and suck

56:26

out liquid pain, I think is how

56:28

it's described, that he is going to

56:30

become the new book. It was a

56:32

total surprise that there is a happier

56:35

ending. And yeah, this is where Bez

56:37

returns to let us know that he

56:39

wasn't actually dead, and he's actually part

56:41

of this cabal, right? He's leading the

56:44

soldiers into capture the two of them

56:46

after they make their momentary escape. And

56:48

this is really a weird moment for

56:51

me in this movie because they've been

56:53

torturing Grayson's father. And they say he's

56:55

the new blood. They're like drawing the

56:57

blood out of Grayson's dad to write

57:00

in this new book of vile darkness.

57:02

But then what they say is, oh,

57:04

we actually never wanted his blood. It's

57:06

Grayson who's pure. We took him just

57:09

as bait to bring Grayson here. They

57:11

could have just taken Grayson. He was

57:13

unconscious on the ground. But they could

57:16

have just taken Grayson. Yeah, I feel

57:18

like they wanted to have like a

57:20

Darth Vader, I am your father, twist

57:22

here, like a lot was made about

57:25

the fact that Bez is like, I'm

57:27

a better father to him than you

57:29

are in slapping the old man around

57:31

and all of that. But it's not

57:34

a good twist that the guy that

57:36

spreads bugs and disease and has been

57:38

torturing people the whole movie is like

57:40

the big bad, right? Oh, how surprising

57:43

that the Phantom of the opera is

57:45

the bad guy. like, ha ha, ha,

57:47

I'm not really chained up, I'm waiting

57:50

for you, so I can chain you

57:52

up. Right? That's a twist. This is

57:54

not a twist. No, this is the

57:56

last three pages of the book and

57:59

it's due tomorrow, so we're just kind

58:01

of quickly finishing it off. Mm-hmm. The

58:03

screenplay, yes. The book, I don't know

58:05

how many pages there will be, but

58:08

hopefully we're done after this installment. Because

58:10

Grayson doesn't want to commit suicide, he

58:12

is now given the power from the

58:15

Godfellos that he had wanted from the

58:17

very beginning. I guess. Provided by accordia,

58:19

right? No, I thought it was just

58:21

provided through that ambulance and starts to

58:24

glow under his armor. But I thought

58:26

she gave it to him. She did

58:28

some magic thing. She assists in some

58:30

way in this moment so that he

58:33

can do more than be milk. Yeah,

58:35

she throws into the amulate. Well no,

58:37

he gets the power before he's captured

58:39

again, which is confusing to me. Oh

58:42

he does? When he's with his father

58:44

and saying, no I'm not going to

58:46

kill myself, then all of a sudden

58:49

under his chest armor just starts glowing,

58:51

and then he gets captured. Oh okay,

58:53

I missed this detail. All right. Does

58:55

it saw whip bang? It's boom boom

58:58

boom. Yeah, right, right. Because this would

59:00

normally take 10 minutes in a movie

59:02

and instead it's like, yeah, folks, we

59:04

got about three minutes to wrap this

59:07

all up. So he's chained up, he's

59:09

moaning. They took the amulate from him

59:11

and that is what Accordia returns to

59:14

him in this climax. She uses that

59:16

my arms can detach power. Right. And

59:18

returns the amulate. Absolutely, yeah. She felt

59:20

betrayed too. It should be said that

59:23

when Bez is making his big move,

59:25

the quote-unquote twist, she's like, I can't

59:27

believe you tricked me into this. So

59:29

again, she wants to work with Grayson.

59:32

She wants Grayson. And so she gives

59:34

them the ambulance so they can just

59:36

zap everybody. And it's just the three

59:39

of them now. A father, son, and

59:41

holy bitch. And I rewound to watch

59:43

this because I'm like, what happened to

59:45

Bez. We saw Bez came back. Mmm.

59:48

So what happened? We see Bez get

59:50

blasted with one of these bolts of

59:52

light coming out of Grayson's amulate, but

59:54

we don't really get a glory death

59:57

of our most traitorous character. Because there's...

59:59

talking sequel here, right? Because this all

1:00:01

ends on a tease of accordia being

1:00:03

like, you could come off to me

1:00:06

and we could choke them all with

1:00:08

our legend. Again, the S&M language here,

1:00:10

yeah, choke them all. Just go and live

1:00:12

a debaucher's life and it seems like

1:00:15

in this moment, Grayson is going to

1:00:17

go back with his father to the

1:00:19

order, sexless, noble, praying to the phallus

1:00:21

rock, and the question remains whether he

1:00:24

will kill her the next time he

1:00:26

sees her. A sequel we don't probably

1:00:28

think we'll ever get, right? It's been

1:00:31

10 years, 12, 15? I'm sure that

1:00:33

that ship has long since sailed given

1:00:35

that they've already rebooted this, but kind

1:00:38

of a cool ending to the series

1:00:40

is that will they be enemies or

1:00:42

will they be lovers? But he has

1:00:44

to be chased. So that's why he

1:00:46

sends her away. And then the credits

1:00:48

roll. I mean, it's like, I can't

1:00:51

sleep with you. She's like, okay, I

1:00:53

don't know what happened to his dad

1:00:55

or anything like that. It's just, we're

1:00:57

out of money, we're done. He's still

1:00:59

there. Yeah, no, I think he's going

1:01:01

with his dad. I think that you

1:01:04

see the dad in the background. I

1:01:06

think, not a hundred on it. And

1:01:08

we weren't even sure how they get

1:01:10

down from the floating rock city. Right.

1:01:12

Yeah. Not sure about a lot. Again,

1:01:14

if the goal was to do something

1:01:16

different than what we had before, mission

1:01:18

accomplished. So Justin, do you recommend Dungeons

1:01:20

and Dragons, the book of vile darkness.

1:01:22

Justin. This is a weird one, right?

1:01:24

I mean, it's definitely a shift in

1:01:26

tone from the previous two installments. And

1:01:28

it's also a shift away from any

1:01:30

string of narrative that those two might

1:01:33

have had. The first two weren't really

1:01:35

all that connected except for the one

1:01:37

character that was doing something a thousand

1:01:39

years later. The stories otherwise were not

1:01:42

intertwined. So this one not being directly

1:01:44

tied to those two doesn't necessarily make

1:01:46

it feel like it's out of the

1:01:48

realm, but I do appreciate that they

1:01:50

tried to come. in here with a

1:01:53

darker tone and tried to explore some

1:01:55

different themes than the other movies did.

1:01:57

But the problem is, is they either didn't

1:01:59

have... the know-how, the will, or the

1:02:01

budget to get there. There are some

1:02:04

moments in this movie that are like,

1:02:06

oh, okay, I can see what you're

1:02:08

doing, and if they have the budget

1:02:11

of a modern day Netflix series and

1:02:13

have like a 10- episode run of

1:02:15

this, they might have been able to

1:02:17

go someplace with this and do something

1:02:20

worth watching and worth recommending. But as

1:02:22

it is, this is just, I don't

1:02:24

know, what did you say, 87 minutes

1:02:27

of, it feels like filler at. again,

1:02:29

but like I said, I appreciate the tone

1:02:31

they tried to take, but to me it's

1:02:33

just not enough to push it over the

1:02:35

top for even like a fun recommend. I

1:02:37

would feel weird not recommending part two because

1:02:40

it was so messy and then recommending this

1:02:42

one. So I just I can't recommend this

1:02:44

even in a brown arrow fashion. So yeah,

1:02:46

if you're following this trilogy and you just

1:02:48

feel like you got to wrap it up,

1:02:50

I don't know if this accomplishes that, but

1:02:52

you can at least say you saw all three of

1:02:54

them. Yeah, I don't think a recommend

1:02:56

was in the cards or, you

1:02:58

know, you couldn't roll the dice,

1:03:00

the hundred-sided dice and get that

1:03:02

outcome. Again, all of these D&D

1:03:04

movies have been bad, right? And

1:03:07

precipitously falling from mazes to monsters

1:03:09

to Jeremy Irons and Thorazine Birch,

1:03:11

to what we had with the

1:03:13

dragon god, I was expecting the

1:03:15

very worst, right? That's the way

1:03:17

we're going. How much more punishment

1:03:19

do we get? But actually, ironically,

1:03:21

ironically, by leaning into the not

1:03:23

be formula- and sort of cliche

1:03:25

in its betrayal of heroism and

1:03:27

you know fantasy movies we get

1:03:29

this weird story about a virgin

1:03:31

going into this dark land if

1:03:33

you have any kind of love

1:03:35

for Skinemax in the 90s if

1:03:37

you wanted a Hellraiser sequel if

1:03:39

you're nostalgic I never thought I'd

1:03:42

be nostalgic for those straight the

1:03:44

tape Hellraiser sequels but if you

1:03:46

wanted another one I guess this

1:03:48

one's pretty close and I will

1:03:50

just give it this compliment I

1:03:52

think it is the most entertaining

1:03:54

Dungeons and Dragons movie competing with Tom

1:03:56

Hanks. Hard to say, but it's not

1:03:59

enough for a... Absolutely not. I don't

1:04:01

want to give people the impression that this

1:04:03

is worthy of their time. I had to

1:04:05

see all of these movies and this was

1:04:07

the best time I had, but it sucked. When

1:04:10

I rolled my D20 on this

1:04:12

movie, I figured I was about

1:04:14

to fail my saving throw against

1:04:16

cinematic poison. Given the last film's

1:04:18

disastrous campaign and this one's near

1:04:20

invisible release, I expected an experience

1:04:22

as cursed as alone in the

1:04:24

dark too, a true natural one.

1:04:26

Yet, against all odds, this forgotten

1:04:28

relic with a party of complete

1:04:31

unknowns managed to avoid total disaster.

1:04:33

The plot follows a simple dungeon

1:04:35

crawl, nothing too convoluted, and the

1:04:37

adventuring party is small enough to

1:04:40

keep track of while still having

1:04:42

some distinct character classes, and a

1:04:44

couple of them, namely Bez, the

1:04:47

Rogish trickster, and VMAC, the Mighty

1:04:49

Tank, even bring a little fun

1:04:51

to the screen. The Newton Brothers

1:04:54

score is another... Boon to the

1:04:56

Quest, adding some inspiration points, especially

1:04:58

during that battle with the Helmed

1:05:01

Horror, one of the film's better

1:05:03

encounters. So all things considered, this

1:05:06

isn't a TBK. Total Party Kill for

1:05:08

those who aren't D&D-versed. In fact, I

1:05:10

would argue, this is the best of

1:05:12

the Dungeons and Dragons movie so far.

1:05:15

Oh yeah, I'm in your camp. I

1:05:17

agree with that. I even double-checked my

1:05:19

perception role by watching it twice. The

1:05:22

first time I watched it was a

1:05:24

normal now-playing watch. I'm taking my notes.

1:05:26

I'm going through it. But I'm just

1:05:28

feeling like I'm going to a dentist

1:05:31

appointment. And then I walked out like,

1:05:33

did this movie really not suck? So

1:05:35

I watched it again the second day

1:05:38

before I came on this podcast. And

1:05:40

no, it didn't totally suck. Still kind

1:05:42

of sucked. But let's not pretend this

1:05:44

was an epic tier loot drop. I

1:05:46

said it's not half bad, but there's

1:05:49

still plenty of bad here. The CGI,

1:05:51

while an upgrade from the previous crit

1:05:53

fails, is still nowhere near spell binding.

1:05:55

The cinematography is serviceable

1:05:57

at best. This is an ugly looking fl-

1:06:00

colorless movie. The acting is as

1:06:02

uninspired as a DM reading boxed

1:06:04

text in monotone. The sound mix

1:06:06

at times feels like it failed

1:06:08

a concentration check. And our main

1:06:10

hero, Grayson, is as bland as

1:06:13

a first-level human fighter with no

1:06:15

feats. He's carried by the more

1:06:17

colorful adventurers around him, but it's

1:06:19

hard to root for a protagonist

1:06:21

whose defining trait is generically good.

1:06:23

The ending rushes in like a

1:06:26

teleport spell gone wrong and Bez's

1:06:28

fate is left frustratingly unclear. Was

1:06:30

he cowed, resurrected, written out of

1:06:32

existence, not available the day they

1:06:34

filmed it? So in the end,

1:06:36

the die roll is still a

1:06:38

fail, but not a critical one. It's

1:06:41

a weak not recommend, but I might

1:06:43

be giving it a small bonus modifier

1:06:45

simply due to my low expectations. You

1:06:48

are. Yeah, we're all pleasantly surprised that

1:06:50

it didn't kill us, because that

1:06:52

was how lethal this series was

1:06:54

getting. But before we get into

1:06:56

Honor Among Thieves, the movie that

1:06:58

I've been waiting to talk about,

1:07:00

I've been holding on to through

1:07:02

all of these bad films, should

1:07:05

just be said, a listener has

1:07:07

brought to our attention that, unfortunately

1:07:09

guys, we're missing a Dungeons and

1:07:11

Dragons movie in our retrospective. There's

1:07:13

something called Dragon Lamps, Dragons of

1:07:15

Autumn Twilight, which sounds like a

1:07:17

title... generated by AI trying to

1:07:19

write a Hawaii novel, right? But

1:07:21

yes, Dragons of Autumn Twilight is

1:07:24

apparently a huge novel and D&D.

1:07:26

Did you guys know that Dragons

1:07:28

Lance and D&D are the same

1:07:30

thing? No idea. I honestly don't

1:07:32

even know if I've heard of

1:07:34

Dragons Lance. I'm sure you have

1:07:36

because you have been inside a

1:07:38

comic book store and throughout the

1:07:40

80s and 90s I do remember

1:07:42

here's the problem when I see

1:07:45

a dragon on the cover or

1:07:47

something it has like a repellent

1:07:49

quality like I move away to

1:07:51

not find out more I'm like

1:07:53

okay not for me but you

1:07:55

couldn't avoid this Dragon Lance was

1:07:57

plastered all over everything calendars board

1:07:59

games roll playing games, it was

1:08:01

essentially modules for D&D that were

1:08:03

meant to bring the dragons back.

1:08:05

I guess TSR was feeling like

1:08:08

its brand was flagging in the

1:08:10

mid 80s and some of the

1:08:12

fanboys pointed out it was because

1:08:14

you're all dungeon, no dragon. And

1:08:16

so they created a module that

1:08:19

was heavy on dragons and it

1:08:21

was a huge hitch. It actually

1:08:23

became sort of the defining second

1:08:25

wave of TSR Dungeons and Dragons

1:08:28

merchandise in game. for another good

1:08:30

decade. And yes, they have

1:08:32

everything from comic books and

1:08:34

video games to figurines to

1:08:36

unfortunately a non-theatrically released 2008

1:08:39

animated film with the unmistakable

1:08:41

subtitle of a Dungeons and

1:08:43

Dragons adventure tale. Now we're

1:08:45

not covering it because we

1:08:48

skip a lot of animated

1:08:50

movies. If we didn't, our

1:08:52

Marvel and DC retrospectives would

1:08:54

probably be hundreds of extra

1:08:56

episodes long. There are always those animated

1:08:59

films that we just kind of go,

1:09:01

yeah, maybe someone wants to watch that,

1:09:03

but if it's not put out in

1:09:05

theaters, it's not real. This definitely would

1:09:07

not be put out in theaters. It

1:09:10

is horrible! I'm assuming you guys don't

1:09:12

know anything that's what I'm talking about.

1:09:14

Nope, this is all elvish to me.

1:09:16

All right, if only, I mean, again,

1:09:19

it has the template. We all know

1:09:21

what a D&D campaign is, right? You

1:09:23

put a Gandoff wizard and a half-elf

1:09:25

hero and some knights and magic users

1:09:28

and some, you know, pixie little

1:09:30

thief or something, you know, you

1:09:32

get all these different classes together

1:09:34

on some campaign, and as the

1:09:36

title would suggest, there's this blue

1:09:38

sword that has the ability to

1:09:40

kill dragons. They got, I suppose,

1:09:42

real people to do the voices,

1:09:44

if you consider Keither. Sutherland, Lucy

1:09:46

Lawless, Michelle Tractonberg, RIP, are all

1:09:48

involved in this production. It's 90

1:09:50

minutes, it's a feature length, but

1:09:52

it was put out straight to

1:09:54

tape. The weird thing is, it's

1:09:56

2008, but it looks like that

1:09:59

cartoon from the 80s, the one

1:10:01

that we already praised, that like

1:10:03

really stilted cell drawn animation that

1:10:05

aspires to be adult. Like there

1:10:07

are boob shots, ash shots, there's

1:10:10

a bar winch that is really

1:10:12

giving you something or trying to.

1:10:14

There is blood that comes out

1:10:16

of nostrils and slit throats, but

1:10:18

it is so poorly done. And

1:10:21

I think maybe the most challenging

1:10:23

part of all of it is

1:10:25

they try to make the dragons

1:10:27

all 3D CGI rendering. and then

1:10:30

everything else is the poorly drawn 2D

1:10:32

cell rendering and it just it doesn't

1:10:34

feel like anyone's in the same space

1:10:36

at all it feels like you're watching

1:10:38

two different movies laid on top of

1:10:40

each other just everyone is shadow boxing

1:10:42

it's just a terrible I can see

1:10:44

why you might want to like the

1:10:47

story I did audiobook the story the

1:10:49

novel has lots of juicy bits the

1:10:51

animators leave out much of that book

1:10:53

because they can't afford to animate it.

1:10:55

And so what you're left with is

1:10:57

a very sad thing. You can find

1:10:59

on YouTube if you care. The people

1:11:01

that leave comments will assure you that

1:11:03

it is brown arrow fun. If you

1:11:05

like bad animation, I just found it

1:11:07

torturous. I really thought it was horrendous.

1:11:09

But if we do cover Dungeons and

1:11:12

Dragons again, I know we're going to

1:11:14

next week with the big Hollywood movie,

1:11:16

but there is a lot of love

1:11:18

for Dragon Lance, and some will tell

1:11:20

you that that will probably be the

1:11:22

way it comes back. as a future

1:11:24

film. You kind of answered the question

1:11:26

that arose to me, which is, is

1:11:28

there a good enough story there given

1:11:30

a better budget that it might have

1:11:32

been something worthwhile? It was supposed to

1:11:34

be live action and then, you know,

1:11:36

you saw what that 2000 movie looked

1:11:38

like, so I can't even imagine after

1:11:40

the 2005 sci-fi channel and now this

1:11:42

movie, you wouldn't want to see that

1:11:44

story. It's just got a lot of

1:11:46

dragons. I don't know, if that's your

1:11:48

fetish, if you'd like to see dragons

1:11:50

dressed up in suits of armor, spitting

1:11:52

out acid, flying around with half naked

1:11:54

women sometimes riding them, you know, it's

1:11:56

everything that people seem to love when

1:11:58

they pick up those... books with those

1:12:01

covers that I just I don't

1:12:03

want it. Some people do. But

1:12:05

what I do want is to

1:12:08

return to live action and of

1:12:10

actual budget movie, something that's gone

1:12:12

to theaters. I mean, the one

1:12:14

you're talking about didn't go to

1:12:17

theaters, vile darkness, didn't go to

1:12:19

theaters. It didn't even come to

1:12:21

America. But next week's film is

1:12:24

actually a theatrical film, if not

1:12:26

a theatrical success. I've been holding

1:12:28

on because I have seen Dungeons

1:12:30

and Dragons honor among thieves and I knew

1:12:32

that there was a light at the end

1:12:35

of this tunnel. It will not shock you.

1:12:37

I will just die on the hill saying

1:12:39

the best D&D movie is still to come.

1:12:41

Pretty small hill, but I'll say that. It

1:12:43

wasn't a big hit here in America, but

1:12:45

I think God knows. It's a step up.

1:12:48

God knows. After everything we've seen, I'm really

1:12:50

excited to return to this one. I have

1:12:52

positive memories. Yeah, I look forward to watching

1:12:54

that one. I've been interested in it since

1:12:56

that came out and just never got around

1:12:58

to watching it. So yeah, I'm looking forward

1:13:01

to it. Yeah, we saved the best

1:13:03

for last. I'm ready to watch Guardians

1:13:05

of the Dungeon Crawling. Yeah. We've saved

1:13:07

the best for last and this Friday

1:13:09

we're also ending our hacker series. We're

1:13:11

at the very last installment of that

1:13:13

eight-part look at how hackers and computer

1:13:15

coding and all of that stuff has

1:13:17

been portrayed by Hollywood. We've gone probably

1:13:19

with the most real-world series of them

1:13:22

all. Snowden. Looking forward to that movie.

1:13:24

I did see it. Oliver Stone. Joseph

1:13:26

Gordon love it. Lot to chew on

1:13:28

there. I hope you can join us

1:13:30

for the whole series. It's been

1:13:32

a... Wild Ride. That will be

1:13:34

available for gold level donors, get

1:13:36

all of our hacker movie reviews,

1:13:38

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1:13:41

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1:13:43

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helps keep now playing on the

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1:13:49

support, thank you for listening to

1:13:51

now playing, Justin Stewart, thank you

1:13:53

for joining me, and now it's

1:13:55

time to pick up the pieces

1:13:57

and go home. And

1:14:22

so we played the game again

1:14:24

for one last time. It

1:14:26

didn't matter that there were no

1:14:29

maps or dice or no monsters.

1:14:31

Or you saw the monsters. We

1:14:34

did not. We saw nothing but

1:14:36

the death of hope and the

1:14:38

loss of our friend. And so

1:14:40

we played the game until

1:14:42

the sun began to set

1:14:45

and all the monsters were

1:14:47

dead. Thank

1:14:52

you for listening to this now

1:14:54

playing podcast movie review. I've enjoyed

1:14:56

our little chat, but now it's

1:14:59

your time to die. We hope

1:15:01

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1:15:03

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