0:04

The empire of Ismeer has

0:07

long been a divided

0:09

land. Ruled by the

0:11

majors, an elite group

0:13

of magic users, the

0:16

lowly commoners, those without

0:18

magic, are little more

0:20

than slaves. Ismeer's young

0:23

empress, Savina, wishes

0:25

equality and prosperity

0:28

for all. But the

0:30

evil mage Profian has

0:32

other intentions. Welcome

0:40

to now playing podcasts,

0:42

Dungeons and Dragons,

0:45

movie retrospective series.

0:47

Adventure, battle, glory

0:49

beyond your wildest imagination.

0:51

Part of our board

0:54

game movie retrospective series.

0:56

You want to play,

0:58

do you? Yeah, best play.

1:00

I'm going to need a team.

1:02

Team, who's going to help

1:04

us out? hosted by Arne. The

1:06

fact that you see good in

1:09

me makes me believe that there

1:11

might just be some in there.

1:13

Justin. See that there? I knew

1:15

that boy I tell it! And

1:17

Stuart. You use magic. We are

1:19

part of it. But be warned.

1:21

This episode will contain detailed

1:23

plot spoilers and strong language.

1:26

There might be a loss

1:28

of distinction between reality and

1:31

fantasy and possibly... the loss

1:33

of life in the process.

1:35

We hope you enjoy the

1:38

show. Let the journey

1:40

begin. Today we're discussing

1:43

Dungeons and Dragons

1:45

wrath of the Dragon God.

1:48

Stewart, are you the Dragon

1:50

God? You seemed pretty

1:53

wrathful last week. I

1:55

can't even imagine how you

1:57

are this week. Not happy.

2:00

Mark Diamond, Clemency Burton

2:03

Hill, and Bruce Payne.

2:05

He's elevated, he was the

2:07

width, and now he's the

2:09

and. Mmm. Directed by Jerry

2:12

Lively. This is the

2:14

champion of All That is Good,

2:16

so not this movie. Arnie.

2:18

And Stuart. And this is

2:20

Justin. Okay, so yes, Dungeons

2:22

and Dragons comes out and

2:24

bombs everywhere. Everyone hates it,

2:26

it dies of horrible death,

2:28

and then Peter Jackson reinvents

2:30

the fantasy genre, and everyone

2:32

loves Lord of the Rings

2:34

for three films, crowning it

2:36

best picture in 2004, and

2:38

one year later, Sci-Fi Channel

2:40

says there's more story to

2:42

tell. We can bring back

2:44

Damador and do a sequel.

2:46

Not a reboot! Not gonna

2:48

try to do it again! better.

2:51

We're going to make a sequel

2:53

to that shit from last week.

2:55

And we're not even going to bring

2:57

back its best elements. No Jeremy

2:59

Irons, no Marlon Wayans. I thought

3:01

you were going to say the

3:03

drug dealers. Yeah, I think he was

3:05

too busy doing little man at

3:07

this point to come back to

3:09

Dungeons and Dragons. Justin Waylon, I don't

3:12

know what he was doing, but

3:14

not this. Not even the director

3:16

from the previous one who did

3:18

have another movie come out. It

3:20

came out in 2005 and got

3:22

even worse reviews than Dungeons of Dragons.

3:24

I didn't see the movie, but I

3:26

remember that coming out. Donald Sutherland in

3:29

some kind of 17th century ghost story

3:31

thing. Yeah, good luck to the man.

3:33

I ain't trying to catch up on

3:35

his work, but yeah. You tell me

3:37

that Marlon Wayans is not here, the

3:39

director is gone, this is an improvement.

3:42

I'm more excited for what we have.

3:44

Jerry Lively is a director whose work

3:46

I do? No. Unfortunately, he had a

3:48

mega hit. You know, horror was kind

3:50

of dead, dead, dead, dead, dead in

3:53

the 90s. And then in the 90s. Bad

3:55

horror movies came out in the early 2000s

3:57

because we hadn't seen a horror movie in

3:59

a long time. people gave way too

4:01

much money for them and Darkness

4:03

Falls was this giant hit that

4:05

is so bad. It's about a

4:07

killer tooth fairy. I don't know

4:09

if you ever saw it. Yeah,

4:11

I saw that and quickly forgot

4:13

about it. Yeah, exactly. I don't

4:15

think I've seen it which is shocking

4:18

because I'm looking at it right now

4:20

and with Cheryl and Fen in it

4:22

in the 90s that I missed it

4:24

is shocking to me. Now, he's also

4:27

just a cinematographer. He came from shooting

4:29

low-grade horror, Hellraiser 3, Arne, Friday as

4:31

well. He did a lot of threes.

4:34

He did Hellraiser 3, which I enjoy,

4:36

Return of the Living Dead 3, which

4:38

I absolutely love, and Children of the Corn

4:40

3, which is a piece of shit. But

4:43

what are the better children in the

4:45

Corn movies? So you're saying he's just

4:47

a movie too soon here. Mm-hmm. He's

4:49

just a movie too soon too soon

4:51

too soon here. I hate to tell

4:53

you, but there is a third movie and

4:55

he will make it. Yeah, it comes out.

4:58

We'll talk about that next

5:00

week, but seven years pass

5:02

and they got the director

5:04

back from part two for some

5:06

reason. Remember Lively? He did

5:09

so good with part two.

5:11

We can't do a part three

5:13

without him. But yes, this premiered

5:15

on the sci-fi channel in 2005.

5:17

There was no way in hell

5:19

I was going to watch this.

5:22

I honestly think I stopped watching

5:24

anything that sci- channel premiered in

5:26

2002 when they did the Clive

5:28

Barker film Saint Center and I

5:30

was so excited for that movie

5:33

and I hadn't learned my lesson with

5:35

Robocop prime directives that if it was

5:37

premiering on sci-fi it was shit and

5:39

that Clive Barker movie was so bad

5:41

that I don't think I've watched anything

5:43

on sci-fi since. I watched Battle Star

5:45

Galactic and that would be it. Yeah,

5:47

this is that period where sci-fi hadn't

5:49

yet accepted who they were and started

5:51

embracing Shark NATO, right? This is when

5:54

they were still just trying to fool

5:56

people in to fall asleep on the

5:58

couch with their channel turned on. I

6:00

never watched it. Honestly, I never

6:02

was attracted to their programming. And

6:04

yeah, we've covered what they did to

6:06

Dune, and I don't want what Sci-Fi

6:09

channel does to science fiction. I think

6:11

it's abysmal. And I don't have much

6:13

hope that they're going to give much

6:16

money to rebooting and remaking and getting

6:18

this D&D property on better footing than

6:20

it was last week. But I don't

6:23

think they made this film. The thing

6:25

about sci-fi is they'll go to

6:27

those film markets and if nobody else

6:29

is buying your movie to distribute

6:32

it, they'll write you a

6:34

small check and premiere you

6:36

on their network before you

6:38

go to video. Sure. Sci-Fi

6:40

didn't create this film. Sci-Fi

6:42

was merely its first chance

6:44

at escape into the real

6:46

world before the PG-13 version got

6:48

out on video. But I can't

6:51

imagine, even at the paltry

6:53

budget this film is, they spent

6:55

12 million making it, according to

6:57

wiki. So I think they had

7:00

higher hopes than Sci-Fi, but they

7:02

knew this was never going to

7:04

be theatrical. Yeah. And yes, D.D.

7:06

anything. Dungeons and Dragons will put

7:08

eyes on screens. Sci-Fi was smart

7:11

to buy it and to play

7:13

it. And yeah, we'll see. Arnie,

7:15

give him the plot and we'll

7:17

see if there's any way it's

7:20

better than what we had last

7:22

week. For the past 100 years,

7:24

Damadar, again played by Bruce

7:26

Payne, has been damned to walk

7:28

the earth undead. That actually seems

7:31

like a better torture than having

7:33

to watch this movie. Damadar quests

7:35

to regain his life and wreak

7:38

vengeance upon the kingdom of Ismir

7:40

for causing his demise. He has

7:42

found the orb of Fallazur which

7:45

restored him to life. He now

7:47

plans to use the power of

7:49

the orb to get his revenge.

7:51

The orb was placed in suspended

7:54

animation 3,000 years ago by

7:56

a people called the Turanians. They

7:58

were being a... by the Dragon

8:01

Fallazor, so they trapped the dragon

8:03

in a cave and put his

8:05

power in the orb. While the

8:07

orb was in suspended animation, the

8:09

Dragon Fallazor remained asleep. But now

8:11

that the orb is free, Fallazor

8:13

is starting to awaken right in

8:15

the kingdom of Izmir. The waking

8:17

dragon is found by Lord Beric,

8:19

the former captain of the king's

8:21

guard who now handles the king's

8:23

accounting, and Beric's wife Malora, a

8:25

want to be mage. The king

8:27

knows the orb must be retrieved,

8:29

and as his guard is away

8:31

on a mission, he tasks Beric

8:34

to lead a team of champions

8:36

to retrieve it. Beric chooses the

8:38

ferocious warrior Lux, the wise cleric

8:40

Dorian, powerful elven wizard Ormaline. Maybe

8:42

she's born with it. Maybe it's

8:44

Ormaline. And sneaky nim the rogue.

8:46

Under the guidance of Master Mage

8:48

Oberon. Malora tries to spell to

8:50

locate the orb. In doing this,

8:52

she makes contact with Damador, who

8:54

puts a death curse on her.

8:56

Beric must hurry to find the

8:58

orb and make Damador remove the

9:00

curse from his wife. The group

9:02

of five quest for the pool

9:04

of sight, which will reveal Damador's

9:07

location. Meanwhile, Malora and the majors

9:09

try to decipher ancient terrarian texts

9:11

to see how they defeated the

9:13

dragon millennia ago. The old majors

9:15

don't want to listen to Maloria's

9:17

new ideas, but she's consistently right

9:19

in deciphering the Tanarian riddles. On

9:21

their journey, Barak's group encounter a

9:23

powerful Litch, Clax the maligned. When

9:25

Barak and Company escape Clax's attack,

9:27

the Litch offers his services to

9:29

Damador. Clax uses his shape shifting

9:31

magic to infiltrate the castle, kill

9:33

Oberon, and takes place. In their

9:35

journeys, Dorian, the Cleric is killed,

9:37

but the other four eventually make

9:40

it to Damador. Beric gets... the

9:42

orb, but Nim and Ormaline are

9:44

wounded, and Lux must stay behind

9:46

to fight the CGI creatures that

9:48

continue to attack. Returning the orb

9:50

to the castle, it is then

9:52

stolen by Clax, who gives it

9:54

back to Damador. Finally, the dragon

9:56

fallacy awakens, and he crushes the

9:58

orb, and at Damador's behest, begins

10:00

to lay siege to Izmir. Berrick

10:02

goes after Damador, who now has

10:04

no orb of power, and Clax

10:06

has abandoned him. So Damador tries

10:08

to flee. But Lux joins in

10:10

and Damador is captured. Beric forces

10:13

Damador to remove the death curse

10:15

from Malora. Malora was able to

10:17

use the Tanarian scriptures to conjure

10:19

a new orb, and once healed

10:21

she and the majors are able

10:23

to defeat the Dragon Fallazar. And

10:25

in the aftermath, we see Damador

10:27

chained in the kingdom's dungeons. Malora

10:29

is accepted in the council of

10:31

majors. Nim and Ormaline are healed.

10:33

And somehow Dorian is back from

10:35

the dead. Yes? All as well

10:37

as credit roll. I didn't notice

10:39

that. You know, I had to

10:41

watch the ending three times. Wickey

10:43

told me he's back and I'm

10:46

watching this ending three times before

10:48

I say, oh shit, there he

10:50

is. Wow. Like blink and you

10:52

miss him, but Dorian is back,

10:54

unless this is the afterlife. Like

10:56

everybody died and they're all like

10:58

in purgatory with Dorian, but Dorian

11:00

is there with Nim and Ormaline

11:02

having a check. I mean, we'll

11:04

get there because it's in the

11:06

middle of the movie, but he

11:08

was a pile of body parts

11:10

last time we saw him. Yeah,

11:12

well, and Damador, since we're talking

11:14

about characters that had a bad

11:16

fate, was not cursed to walk

11:19

the earth with a little lava

11:21

baby. This is a retcon. The

11:23

lava baby! Oh my god! I

11:25

honestly thought it was the dancing

11:27

baby from Ali McBeel and they

11:29

just put like a fire skin

11:31

on it. It has the pot

11:33

belly, it has the stubby legs.

11:35

I just needed Uga Chaka, Uga,

11:37

Uga to be... playing behind it.

11:39

Mm-hmm. I love it. Yeah, I

11:41

love the way that this begins.

11:43

We see a map with, you

11:45

know, something is charring its way

11:47

across and it's because this lava

11:49

baby is leading, I guess they

11:52

call it a magmen. Is that

11:54

a D&D thing? Probably. It was

11:56

probably in some manual. Oh my

11:58

god, I listened to so many

12:00

bonus features about the adherence to

12:02

the manuals and how they had

12:04

manuals on the set and made

12:06

sure that they had enough lore

12:08

that newbies could get the film,

12:10

but not so much that experienced

12:12

dendiers would be bored with them

12:14

telling us things the dendiers already

12:16

know. Yes, if it's in this

12:18

movie, it's in dend. Okay, well

12:20

good inclusion. I like the baby.

12:22

This was them going light on

12:25

the lore babble. Holy cow! Oh

12:27

god, this disc has the worst

12:29

bonus feature I've ever seen. It

12:31

is worse than mazes and monsters

12:33

where we had two people who'd

12:35

never seen the film with two

12:37

people who kind of knew the

12:39

film. This bonus feature is so

12:41

lower heavy. It is Wizards of

12:43

the Coast's special project manager with

12:45

two other people talking about this

12:47

whole movie, never breaking character from

12:49

their D&D characters. Oh no, oh

12:51

boy. That sounds bad. Yes, not

12:53

even Gary Guy Gax or something.

12:55

The special project manager at Wizards

12:58

of the Coast with two others

13:00

pretending to be an elf and

13:02

a warrior. So yeah. Stop. Nurt

13:04

alert alert. Nurt alert. Nurt alert.

13:06

Oh man, all I can pictures

13:08

of you guys ever seen Wet

13:10

Hot American Summer, the Michael Show

13:12

Walter movie. Yeah. So it's about

13:14

summer camp shot in 1980s and

13:16

one of the group of kids

13:18

are a bunch of Dungeons and

13:20

Dragons dorks. And man, there's a

13:22

scene where one of those kids

13:24

walks up to the hot girl

13:26

and talk. about like how she's

13:28

cast a level 7 charm spell

13:31

on him and that's all I

13:33

can pictures going on in this

13:35

commentary man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so

13:37

you want to talk about lore.

13:39

They're really into it. And Wizards

13:41

of the Coast, obviously they were

13:43

the publishers of Dungeons and Dragons

13:45

at this point. They were involved

13:47

in the making of this film.

13:49

This wasn't a sign off on

13:51

it and let the filmmakers do

13:53

whatever the hell they want. They're

13:55

doing the commentary poorly. So yes,

13:57

if it's in this movie, it's

13:59

in a manual of advanced Dungeons

14:01

and Dragons Fifth Edition. Okay, but

14:04

when last we saw Damador he

14:06

was thrown over the side and

14:08

we assumed splatted on the ground

14:10

But is actually been a zombie.

14:12

How'd be out with this? Why

14:14

is he walking around following the

14:16

lava baby? He has been, according

14:18

to him, this is a retcon,

14:20

he was cursed by Jeremy Irons

14:22

that if he died he would

14:24

just be undead and in pain

14:26

for eternity forced to walk the

14:28

earth and Jeremy Irons died before

14:30

he could take that curse off

14:32

of him. And so for a

14:34

hundred years he's been searching for

14:37

a way to stop being a

14:39

tortured undead and return to life

14:41

and by following this. and a

14:43

couple of crocodile looking people. Help

14:45

me out. Yeah, what's going on?

14:47

What kind of pilgrimage is this?

14:49

They take him to the orb

14:51

and the orb ends his torture.

14:53

They've been looking for the orb

14:55

of Thalesor and then we get

14:57

this weird moment even before we

14:59

get there. They need to cross

15:01

the ocean so they put a

15:03

empty boat out there to get

15:05

a squid like to rise up

15:07

in a bad animation and then

15:10

they part the sea. What's going

15:12

on in this? Honestly I'm just

15:14

trying to understand why do they

15:16

include the squid? What's that about?

15:18

This is so random. It's like

15:20

madlips here. I do not know.

15:22

I'm confused. I used myself myself,

15:24

I couldn't even understand what they

15:26

were saying in my notes. I'm

15:28

like, they have the orbofalic something.

15:30

Yeah. Like, I don't understand. And

15:32

then he's like, what chance does

15:34

Ishmaer have against me now? And

15:36

then he parts the sea. So

15:38

he's powerful and he's headed towards

15:40

Ishmaer? Yeah. Yeah, but to Stewart's

15:42

point, like, yeah, are they trying

15:45

to tell us some backstory here

15:47

or is just interesting visuals over

15:49

the credits? Yeah. Like it's part

15:51

and part, like some of its

15:53

live action, some of its CGI,

15:55

some of its animated map, it's

15:57

messy right from jump street. Yeah,

15:59

for whatever reason, yeah, the credits

16:01

are a mixture of really stilted

16:03

animation and this live-action voyage. And

16:05

I think you're just better off

16:07

probably starting with our hero, such

16:09

as it were, in the next

16:11

scene we introduced to Sir Beric,

16:13

a tax lawyer, because this movie

16:15

sure knows how to turn on

16:18

the charm. He's like a tax

16:20

man. He's literally talking about trading

16:22

wheat for new sewers and is

16:24

so bored with his job that

16:26

he's going to go out in

16:28

the street and getting a sword.

16:30

with his old protégé. I couldn't

16:32

believe this was the hero and

16:34

not his protégé Valerian there. I

16:36

thought for sure Valerian would be

16:38

the one we're following because he's

16:40

young and he's better at sword

16:42

fighting and he's noble enough to

16:44

let his old teacher appear to

16:46

win even though he could have

16:48

beheaded the teacher. Yeah, what better

16:51

way to establish our boring tax

16:53

guy is not a great warrior

16:55

than making his protégé admit to

16:57

him that he let him win?

16:59

Like, what are we establishing here?

17:01

This guy's not up for the

17:03

task at hand? Yes, so this

17:05

is really setting me up for

17:07

a good time. The bad guy

17:09

we all hated from the last

17:11

movie is back and he's coming

17:13

for something and then yes, a

17:15

civil servant is, I don't know,

17:17

you can't tell from this fight

17:19

choreography the way that it's edited,

17:21

composed, I can't tell whether he's

17:24

a good fighter or not. It's

17:26

like, okay. No, I can tell

17:28

you he's a bad fighter because

17:30

there are so many close-ups on

17:32

feet? Yes! and faces in this

17:34

fight? Right. That it's obvious they

17:36

don't even have stunt doubles who

17:38

can do this fighting, they have

17:40

nothing, and they have to hide

17:42

it from us with quick cuts

17:44

and severe close-ups that tell me

17:46

nothing. I didn't even realize that

17:48

Valerian's sword came anywhere near this

17:50

main guy's head until he shows

17:52

me a bit of a feather

17:54

he cut off. Right. We're expected

17:57

to believe that he's over the

17:59

hill. He was a once great

18:01

warrior. who now has been put

18:03

out in a pasture and a

18:05

student is more or less telling

18:07

him, stay there. I let you

18:09

win, I could have taken your

18:11

head, don't try to go on

18:13

no quests, and this is about

18:15

grumpy old D&D players, right? The

18:17

old fogy is going to prove

18:19

to the whipper-snapper he's still got

18:21

it. And to be honest, he's

18:23

not even that old, like right?

18:25

If that's the character we're gonna

18:27

go with, you need to find

18:30

a grisled middle-age middle-age guy to

18:32

play to play this character. This

18:34

character. This guy to play this

18:36

character. This guy to play this

18:38

character, this guy to look like

18:40

he looks like he's 34. Yeah,

18:42

but not leading me a material.

18:44

I hate to be rude, but

18:46

Mark Diamond is a diamond in

18:48

the rough, very rough. I just,

18:50

not a lot of screen presence.

18:52

I believe he does taxes. I

18:54

would take my taxes to him.

18:56

I would not ask him to

18:58

defend me in a sword fight.

19:00

No, and you're right Justin, he

19:03

was 31 when he did this

19:05

film. He had a small role

19:07

in Die Another Day, so he's

19:09

probably the most famous person in

19:11

this movie. I think this guy

19:13

is a black hole of charisma.

19:15

He is not somebody I want

19:17

to follow into an adventure. I

19:19

thought maybe, again, being the king's

19:21

lord, that he would send people

19:23

out to do the adventure. I

19:25

did not realize that this whole

19:27

movie was gonna be a 31

19:29

year old Danny Glover who's too

19:31

old for this shit going out

19:33

trying to save the kingdom. Yeah.

19:36

Meanwhile, like Halifax, the king won't.

19:38

sign a law for a sewer

19:40

if the wheat isn't supplied. I'm

19:42

trying to grasp what is going

19:44

on in these early scenes. This

19:46

is what I mean. He's has

19:48

a boring life and so he's

19:50

supposed to go have fun and

19:52

he's married to boot and what's

19:54

she doing? the gloves? She's trying

19:56

to mend gloves. I'm like, this

19:58

is not D&D, right? Like, this

20:00

is the opposite of a D&D

20:02

campaign. This is like the suburban

20:04

life you try to escape from

20:06

by playing D&D. Yeah, like, is

20:09

that part of, like, creating a

20:11

character? You have to roll for

20:13

their attributes and, like, glove healing.

20:15

Okay, I roll the three. I

20:17

can't do it. Yeah, I think

20:19

this is a low level character.

20:21

This is one who's just starting

20:23

the campaign and needs to level

20:25

up. Indeed, yes. Malora and Beric

20:27

are an over-correction. If I, and

20:29

you guys did, but if I

20:31

thought that the leads of the

20:33

last movie were too boyish, too

20:35

modern in their sensibilities, too pandering

20:37

to a teenage audience, yeah, this

20:39

is rough. I don't know who

20:42

wants to watch this Futsi married

20:44

couple, go on a mission to

20:46

find out why two people are

20:48

dead in a cave. This guy

20:50

who comes in to get them,

20:52

I'm like, I think I know

20:54

that actor. They never say his

20:56

name. I never can look up

20:58

who this is. I've checked everybody

21:00

in the cast. I don't think

21:02

I know anybody in this cast.

21:04

No. But this guy has a

21:06

familiar face who comes in and

21:08

says an evil descended on his

21:10

village. Two men entered a cave

21:12

and never came out. So they

21:15

go and find buried dragon nostrils

21:17

and poisoned air. Yeah. I think

21:19

it's like a statue or something.

21:21

There's a dragonhead that I believe

21:23

is made out of stone and

21:25

the nostrils are admitting a poison

21:27

green gas. She does her little

21:29

mage trick and, you know, it's

21:31

over. Hardly seems to have been

21:33

worthy of coming all this way,

21:35

but the really important detail is

21:37

that he lists the eyelids. And

21:39

it's a real dragon. Nobody knew

21:41

this. Mm. Eye buggers and all.

21:43

Yeah, it was pretty gross. The

21:45

goop in his eye and everything.

21:48

But yeah, just man, right away,

21:50

the way this movie is shot,

21:52

I know it's on video and

21:54

cheap like that, but man, there

21:56

are filters to make this look

21:58

like it's film. Like you cannot

22:00

do a fantasy period piece and

22:02

have everybody lit like they're on

22:04

a soap opera the entire time.

22:06

It is just... It is not

22:08

doing you any favors. No, Stuart,

22:10

can we get a shout out

22:12

for last week's DP compared to

22:14

this? I mean, it does show

22:16

what last week's cinematographer brought to

22:18

the table that this movie is

22:21

completely missing. Yeah, this movie looks

22:23

harsh. It looks like a sci-fi

22:25

channel movie. It looks like there

22:27

is nobody trying to make stylish

22:29

choices. We needed this done yesterday

22:31

and we shot it without thinking

22:33

about composition, without thinking about how

22:35

it would cut together. The plot,

22:37

even, it's just kind of a

22:39

mess. Like all of a sudden,

22:41

they're back at their house and

22:43

she's decided, help me out with...

22:45

I heard the words, he saw

22:47

some writing in the cave that

22:49

reminded him of terrarians. Or maybe

22:51

he read some Tararian hieroglyphs somewhere

22:54

that told him there was a

22:56

dragon in the cave? I don't

22:58

know. Yeah, I think he saw

23:00

the ruins and thought it was

23:02

Tararian writing and he's like, we

23:04

should go to the council of

23:06

majors and she's like, oh no,

23:08

I've got books and we're gonna

23:10

just go to my books. Mm-hmm.

23:12

Yeah, and the ancient version of

23:14

Adderall, she needs to take a

23:16

vision spell in order to know

23:18

what happened to the dragon? I

23:20

don't, why are they trying even

23:22

to investigate? Are they trying to

23:24

figure out why the dragon's there

23:27

when the dragon's going to wake

23:29

up? No, where the black orb

23:31

went is what they're investigating. The

23:33

black orb. Yeah, the black orb,

23:35

right? Does she know about the

23:37

black orb yet? She'll go on

23:39

this vision quest and see the

23:41

black orb. She learns about it

23:43

in her vision with Dramador. Yeah,

23:45

he kind of helps. Hopefully he

23:47

pops in at some point and

23:49

tells all the majors what he's

23:51

doing. Like monologging is evil plan,

23:53

but oof! This one's rough man.

23:55

I don't know what's going on

23:57

here. Yeah, it's very clumsily set

24:00

up. I'm not even sure what

24:02

the plot of this movie is

24:04

going to be until finally the

24:06

majors come in and we're going

24:08

to get an exposition dump that's

24:10

going to tell us what happened

24:12

to Damadar, drive that home, and

24:14

then that the orb is his

24:16

and the king needs barrack to

24:18

stop. this from happening he sent

24:20

the king's guard away they're not

24:22

gonna be back for a few

24:24

days so the five greatest heroes

24:26

in the kingdom have to come

24:28

together and let me just say

24:30

if these are your five best

24:33

in the kingdom your kingdom is

24:35

fucked And the king of Miss

24:37

Fox, I mean look at that

24:39

kingdom. Yeah, the last one at

24:41

least had production value from going

24:43

to Prague. This one feels like

24:45

it's being shot on the old

24:47

set of some western. It's so

24:49

sandy and sparse. No, I mean,

24:51

extraordinary brought it up last week.

24:53

This feels like it shot on

24:55

the leftover sets of zena warrior

24:57

princess. I mean, it is barren.

24:59

Yeah, yeah. Everything feels over exposed

25:01

and just unpleasant and... You're not

25:03

going to ever get me to

25:06

say I missed the look of

25:08

the movie last week, but I'm

25:10

not going to say that this

25:12

is a step in the right

25:14

direction. I mean, I don't know.

25:16

She has a vision quest. She

25:18

knocks over some books. They have

25:20

gold trim that creates a portal

25:22

that... creates a new book and

25:24

everyone's excited that there's a new

25:26

book and this book is going

25:28

to be half the characters are

25:30

going to stay behind and read

25:32

this book and try to use

25:34

the book to do something and

25:36

then the other half are these

25:39

warriors these champions these great whatevers

25:41

that are going to head off

25:43

and find the orb that is

25:45

going to keep the dragon in

25:47

the mountain which I thought he

25:49

already was yeah but the dragon's

25:51

waking up But why? Because the

25:53

orb is no longer in suspended

25:55

animation. Once Damador took the orb

25:57

that released the sleep spell that

25:59

was keeping the dragon down. Okay.

26:01

So now that's why the dragon

26:03

was found is because it's starting

26:05

to stir. Breathing Boys and Gas.

26:07

Okay. If you splurge on one

26:09

thing in this movie, it shouldn't

26:12

be the dancing lava baby. It

26:14

should be the actor in the

26:16

role of the king. He's not

26:18

in very many scenes. He could

26:20

probably shoot all of his scenes

26:22

in two days if you were

26:24

really judicious. But you need somebody.

26:26

a cameo of some caliber. Mm-hmm.

26:28

It could be Burger King, but

26:30

someone will recognize. Yes, this is

26:32

where you bring in Marlin Brando,

26:34

right? Yeah, I mean, I would

26:36

take the king from the Burger

26:38

King commercials that were airing between

26:40

this. Remember the big plastic head

26:42

Burger King from 2005? I do.

26:45

I would take him over this

26:47

soap opera extra who's going to

26:49

give the worst motivational speech of

26:51

both of you must succeed. but

26:53

you'll probably both fail. But don't

26:55

let that discourage you. We must

26:57

succeed together. It's like, what the

26:59

hell are you talking about? And

27:01

I'll be honest with you, I

27:03

didn't even register him as the

27:05

king. I thought he was just

27:07

another mage. I agree. Yeah, he

27:09

looks like somebody that moves the

27:11

lights around behind the scenes and

27:13

they said, hey, King didn't show

27:15

up. We called Jeremy Irons. He

27:18

said, no. He was doing cocaine

27:20

in his castle. Couldn't be bother.

27:22

Why can't they just go to

27:24

party city and get a birthday

27:26

crown to put on this guy's

27:28

head to let us know he's

27:30

the king? Agreed. You could not

27:32

ever tell. And I never even

27:34

heard his name. You said his

27:36

name's Halifax? News to me. Actually,

27:38

I think Halifax might have been

27:40

somebody else. I may have misspoken

27:42

that I think Halifax was the

27:44

guy who won't put in the

27:46

sewer unless... The king gives Halifax

27:48

the wheat. Whatever. I ain't going

27:50

to try to parse that out.

27:53

Let's talk about our five that

27:55

are going on the Quest. This

27:57

is a Quest movie and eventually

27:59

the 20-minute mark. We're going to

28:01

have five different types all heading

28:03

out to try and get this

28:05

orb. We, of course, I've already

28:07

talked about Barrack. He has picked

28:09

Lux, the barbarian. The joke is

28:11

we cut. We see like a

28:13

muscle man drinking in a tavern.

28:15

We think it's this dude. A

28:17

nice joke. She's very tall. At

28:19

least she's filmed to look very

28:21

tall. And very strong. You know,

28:23

we're going to get no racial

28:26

diversity in this film, but we're

28:28

going to get parody of the

28:30

sexes. Three men to women on

28:32

this quest. So I'm good with

28:34

a muscle short-tempered woman. She does

28:36

have an arc. They do give

28:38

her a storyline. Apparently her brother,

28:40

also a barbarian, could never control

28:42

his rage and had to be

28:44

put down. That Beric actually was

28:46

the one to kill her brother.

28:48

And there's some concern. I don't

28:50

know, there's some, I hate to

28:52

use the word character tension, but

28:54

for some reason other people don't

28:56

trust her and she's always fighting

28:59

with Nim the rogue who is

29:01

our thief character. But these were

29:03

the stars last time. Now we

29:05

just get some dude that goes

29:07

around and looks around and looks

29:09

through a... Red Jim. Yeah, you

29:11

say she has an arc. Really,

29:13

I was left blueballed with all

29:15

of these characters having arcs because

29:17

there's going to be a scene

29:19

where Beric is going to go

29:21

up to her and be like,

29:23

I had to do what I

29:25

had to do to your brother.

29:27

And I'm like, okay, this is

29:29

going to be good tension. They're

29:32

going to have to get passed.

29:34

She's like, I hold no grudge,

29:36

done. Yeah. No, we're pals. It's

29:38

all good. But she will, you'll

29:40

see her in combat, she gets

29:42

so worked up, will she stop,

29:44

will she stay on the quest?

29:46

I mean they try to do

29:48

something with her. I'll acknowledge at

29:50

least that much that they're trying

29:52

to give everyone a little something

29:54

to do. The cleric, well he's

29:56

just a red shirt. Yeah, he's

29:58

just praying in a church. But

30:00

Nim, when we meet Nim, I'm

30:02

not quite sure what he's doing.

30:05

He's leading a couple other guys

30:07

to some sort of score. And

30:09

then realizes that they're going to

30:11

double-cross him. So he's like, all

30:13

right, fine. And he lets them,

30:15

were they trying to steal the

30:17

sword? Because if that's the case,

30:19

they were all just going to

30:21

get burnt anyway. Because these guys

30:23

just get caught on fire for

30:25

moving the sword. Yeah, he's supposed

30:27

to know what traps are, and

30:29

he can work around them. So

30:31

he must know that there's a

30:33

booby trap to this score that

30:35

they've all come, and when they

30:38

don't pay him, usually you'd want

30:40

to settle up afterwards, right? But

30:42

they tell him, we're not going

30:44

to pay you as they're walking

30:46

up and pulling a lever, and

30:48

of course, their left charge remains.

30:50

Which I will say, full body

30:52

burns better than I expected from

30:54

this film, which has looked so

30:56

shitty so shitty so far. Who

30:58

is this Ormeline? This is the

31:00

one that is the one I

31:02

at least understand. They say that

31:04

she's been living on an island.

31:06

She does some magic trick about

31:08

being on a boat and making

31:11

it sail faster or something. And

31:13

change locations? Like the background changed

31:15

to some degree. Yeah, but I

31:17

couldn't tell what had been accomplished.

31:19

Well no, but nobody reacted. I

31:21

didn't understand what she was doing

31:23

and neither did anybody else in

31:25

the shot. So weird, yes. Yeah,

31:27

I think she's just a magic

31:29

user and we see her use

31:31

magic and that's all it is.

31:33

Okay. And she, does she have

31:35

an arc? I don't think she

31:37

does, right? She loses an arm

31:39

and gets it back. Yes, maybe

31:41

that counts. I don't know. But

31:44

Lux is also causing a problem

31:46

because she's so beautiful it makes

31:48

Malora jealous. She doesn't want her

31:50

husband to go off with this

31:52

woman because she doesn't think he'll

31:54

come back to her. And she's

31:56

not sure that what she'll look

31:58

like when he does because she

32:00

has been cursed when she had

32:02

this vision spell to try and

32:04

find out what the plot of

32:06

the plot of this movie was.

32:08

A lock of her hair was

32:10

taken and now Damador has made

32:12

her a zombie in wait. Every

32:14

spell that she cast, she's closer

32:17

to being an undead. Yeah, she's

32:19

afflicted with glue hands. Like remember

32:21

in grade school when you put

32:23

numbers glue on your hand and

32:25

then you'd peel it off like

32:27

you had skin coming off? Mm-hmm.

32:29

Sure. That's the extent of our

32:31

special effects here. Mm-hmm. It's very

32:33

creepy. It really looked to me

32:35

like a bad case of dry

32:37

skin. Mm-hmm. A little neutrogena would

32:39

have helped her out. Or, maybe

32:41

it's Orbeline. Oh, she's looking for

32:43

that divine magic. She wants to

32:45

make one of those magnum babies.

32:47

She's with all the majors that

32:50

are trying to figure out what

32:52

to do. And I don't know

32:54

why she thinks a lava baby

32:56

is helpful, but it's trying to

32:58

tell them that they need to

33:00

set fire to this magic book.

33:02

And eventually, I'm going to just

33:04

jump to the root of it.

33:06

She'll spin most of this movie

33:08

rotting and burning books. Yeah. So

33:10

there was a line earlier on

33:12

where they tried to explain there's

33:14

two different types of magic. There's

33:16

arcane magic and divine magic and

33:18

divine magic. And I'm not sure

33:20

which is which or which she's

33:23

practicing, but it seems like her

33:25

unorthodox approach is against that of

33:27

the council of majors and is

33:29

going to be exactly what they

33:31

need. The thing they overlooked was

33:33

this natural magic because she's looking

33:35

into these books that are all

33:37

about the elements, earth wind fire.

33:39

Oh God, help me with that.

33:41

I mean, I can't tell you.

33:43

Be the snowflake. Yeah, you know,

33:45

said nobody in this century, but

33:47

okay. Yeah, this is so bizarre,

33:49

but yeah, those terrainian people worshiped

33:51

acorns or something, a lot is

33:53

going to be made about the

33:56

fact that the dragon can be

33:58

defeated by the four elements, but

34:00

I will never understand what that

34:02

is. Let's just stick with a

34:04

quest, because you can follow that,

34:06

right? Five people walking out and

34:08

walking out into the world. Where

34:10

will they kind of like three...

34:12

different stops. Here's what I hear.

34:14

We gotta find the orb, but

34:16

to find the orb we gotta

34:18

go to this pool made by

34:20

this magic user named Malik and

34:22

he could sort it with goblins.

34:24

You needed goblins to make the

34:26

pool and so the goblins know

34:29

where the pool is and so

34:31

they're heading to a goblin village

34:33

to find a pool. so they

34:35

could teleport to the orb. And

34:37

on the day of shooting, the

34:39

goblin mass didn't show up, so

34:41

you just pretend that they all

34:43

died. I tell you what, yeah,

34:45

they're like, it's a massacre! I'm

34:47

like, is it? Show me the

34:49

body. Your definition of massacre, not

34:51

mine. You know, things that are

34:53

exciting things that happen along the

34:55

way. At one point, Beric, you

34:57

know, he's feeling very insecure about

34:59

being a leader. His student was

35:02

telling him you're too old for

35:04

this shit. So that kind of

35:06

comes to be, right? He gets

35:08

tricked by an illusion spell. He

35:10

hears the cleric calling for him.

35:12

He sees him, they were chopping

35:14

down trees. He thinks he's got

35:16

to rescue him from under this

35:18

tree, but it's an illusion made

35:20

by some character. What did you

35:22

call him? A lynch? A litch.

35:24

You tell me, I don't know

35:26

what this thing is. Some creature

35:28

craws out of the tree and

35:30

we'll be chasing them for the

35:32

rest of the movie. Yeah, some

35:35

sort of winged dragon man beast

35:37

that can pull magic. Just real

35:39

goofy looking rubbery mask is what

35:41

I remember from them. I thought

35:43

he was a zombie or something.

35:45

It kind of looked like he

35:47

was rotting himself and they're like,

35:49

you've transgressed into the necropolis of

35:51

and I couldn't catch his name.

35:53

I'm just like, all right, some

35:55

ugly dude who's going to disintegrate

35:57

you one limb at a time.

35:59

And yeah, Clax is too powerful

36:01

for Ormaline's magic or Nims knives

36:03

and he sends ghosts after them.

36:05

I love this. the ghosts are

36:08

on a ghost horseback. So there

36:10

are ghost troops riding ghost horses.

36:12

Meanwhile there are other troops who

36:14

don't get ghost horses who run

36:16

just as fast as the horses.

36:18

And such lazy action shots too,

36:20

right? Because like they were all

36:22

right in the exact same area

36:24

and they all start running at

36:26

the same time, but the ghosts

36:28

are always just 20 feet behind

36:30

them. The entire chase. just like

36:32

no they would have caught him

36:34

by now. Good thing they built

36:36

their own boat. I wouldn't get

36:38

in that thing. I'd rather find

36:41

a ghost than getting that boat,

36:43

but apparently they think they build

36:45

a boat. They go sailing to

36:47

this guest. Goblin Village. That was

36:49

massacred. Tell me why it was

36:51

massacred. I think it's because this

36:53

litch went and talked to Damador

36:55

and cut this deal. And he

36:57

says, I'm gonna work with you.

36:59

I'm gonna help you get them.

37:01

And because Damador knew where they

37:03

were going. He killed all the

37:05

goblins so they wouldn't so they

37:07

wouldn't say where the pool was.

37:09

Where the pool was. Where the

37:11

pool was. Yeah, but also Damador

37:14

is also like somewhat toying with

37:16

them. Like he knows what they're

37:18

doing every step of the way

37:20

and he's like, let them come.

37:22

Yeah, I know. He says that

37:24

sometimes. Yeah, how cheap is your

37:26

movie if you can't get Bruce

37:28

Payne for more than a couple

37:30

of days to do all his

37:32

scenes in a row? Uh-huh. I

37:34

mean, yeah, in the last movie,

37:36

you couldn't get Jeremy Irons, I

37:38

get it, so you get Bruce

37:40

Payne to be your bad guy.

37:42

Here, you can't even get Bruce

37:44

Payne, so you get this guy

37:47

in the undead makeup. They go

37:49

to this goppling place, they're like

37:51

it's a slaughter. I see no

37:53

bodies. I see no bodies. Uh-uh-uh.

37:55

I see a bit of spinach

37:57

and that's about it. I mean,

37:59

they go into what they figure

38:01

out is the Magic Goblin's cabin,

38:03

I guess, to find some clues.

38:05

Yes, some shaman goblin. I mean,

38:07

again, it's embarrassing just to say

38:09

these words, but there's a shaman

38:11

goblin with a bed of leaves

38:13

and the thief looks under it

38:15

and noses a trap and rigs

38:17

the whole thing up so that

38:20

they're not hurt. I did smile

38:22

when he mentions having the stomach

38:24

acid of a purple worm. I

38:26

do remember putting purple worms in

38:28

my campaign. Yeah, because they can

38:30

eat through anything. Mm-hmm. Except for

38:32

maybe a glass bottle or purple

38:34

worm stomach, apparently. I don't. Other

38:36

than that, it's impenetrable. But yeah,

38:38

I guess what we're really saying

38:40

is there's no fun to this

38:42

quest. The step by step, hard

38:44

to follow, not... sure what's going

38:46

on and it's just not a

38:48

good time. No, I really hoped

38:50

for this movie. I knew the

38:53

beginning sucked when they were finding

38:55

the dragon and burning the book

38:57

and making the one book into

38:59

the bigger book, but when they

39:01

got the crew together and it

39:03

became a road trip movie, I'm

39:05

like five interesting characters going interesting

39:07

places. I'm down for that movie.

39:09

Except they didn't give me any

39:11

interesting characters and they're not going

39:13

to any interesting places. Yeah, they're

39:15

putting a lot on the fact

39:17

that the thief and the barbarian

39:19

don't like each other, but by

39:21

this point, because the thief saves

39:23

the barbarian's life, she loans him

39:26

a knife, they become kind of

39:28

friends. I don't know that it

39:30

goes beyond that, but there's some

39:32

character change that's happening between them.

39:34

The elf woman, I never know

39:36

what she's doing. She's there because

39:38

she has two magic spells. She

39:40

can transport them once, one other

39:42

time, and that's it. And they're

39:44

gonna kill the other magic user,

39:46

so they gotta have somebody with

39:48

magic. Yeah, she can teleport them

39:50

to the orb, but she has

39:52

to know where the orb is

39:54

first. She could teleport them back

39:56

to the kingdom from the orb.

39:58

She never thought maybe we'd want

40:01

one more teleportation along the way.

40:03

She brought the two that were

40:05

planned for and not a single

40:07

teleportation spell war. Because what's going

40:09

to happen is in this goblin

40:11

village, they find a map to

40:13

Malik's vault. But then, like, icicles

40:15

form in the hut, this is

40:17

all a trap for an ice

40:19

dragon to appear. And let me

40:21

just say, this ice dragon looks

40:23

bad, but it's no worse than

40:25

last week's movie. It's as bad

40:27

as last week's movie, but it

40:29

is not worse for having less

40:31

than half the money and premiering

40:34

on sci-fi. You're not doing any

40:36

worse than Solomon did last week.

40:38

and how special effects have become

40:40

cheaper and more accessible by this

40:42

point, even just five years later.

40:44

Yeah, I'll agree with that, but

40:46

I'm just saying as bad as

40:48

this looks, it's par for the

40:50

course for this franchise. Yeah. And

40:52

Dorian tries a spell on the

40:54

dragon, but this is where Dorian

40:56

dies. And I had to wonder,

40:58

is my blue ray censored? Or

41:00

did they just not have the

41:02

money to show the dragon eating

41:04

Dorian? Because the dragon dips his

41:07

head out of frame. We never

41:09

see Dorian actually get eaten, which

41:11

could have been. I mean, not

41:13

on this budget, but I imagine

41:15

it might have looked cool. Did

41:17

he get eaten? Well, we see

41:19

his legs go into his mouth.

41:21

He's half in the dragon's mouth

41:23

when we see him. I didn't

41:25

notice that. Really? I thought he

41:27

got frozen solid, right? He got

41:29

a blast of the freeze breath

41:31

and then somebody else blew up

41:33

the dragon and there were limbs

41:35

all over the place. I didn't

41:37

know whether he blew up too.

41:40

Yep. No, he does get eaten.

41:42

We see the legs, but it

41:44

feels like we should have seen

41:46

him getting bit in half or

41:48

something like that when the dragon

41:50

is off frame. Right. It was

41:52

the extent of the budget, is

41:54

what we're saying, is that's about

41:56

all they could do. They couldn't

41:58

animate a convincing-looking character, but legs

42:00

are doable. But he, in his

42:02

dying words, before any of this

42:04

happened, he was telling Bierk that

42:06

he was a good leader to

42:08

trust his instincts, and that there's

42:10

something that could be weaponized that's

42:13

greater than steel and magic, setting

42:15

up, I guess, this ending about

42:17

where they're going with the acorns.

42:19

Oh, I do not get the

42:21

acorns. I really don't. There's like,

42:23

there's acorns in the end of

42:25

the movie and she's seeing acorns

42:27

in the middle of the movie

42:29

and I'm like, these acorns, you're

42:31

gonna plant the acorns and grow

42:33

a defense or something? I don't

42:35

know. I do not understand half

42:37

of what these majors are doing.

42:39

You know what? If I played

42:41

D&D and read those rule books,

42:43

I bet it makes sense. I

42:46

honestly think... this is one of

42:48

those cases where they're like well

42:50

we can't over explain the law

42:52

so we're just going to leave

42:54

us completely in the dark because

42:56

what the hell is going on.

42:58

Yeah. It's kind of like watching

43:00

a cult like before like it

43:02

makes you not want to play

43:04

the game like if you guys

43:06

understand this I don't want to

43:08

be in your circle no thank

43:10

you I'm happy to be ignorant

43:12

because no buy-in on this whole

43:14

thing but yes there is an

43:16

acorn god or something about to

43:19

show up but let's just get

43:21

to it so we got to

43:23

get to the pool right they

43:25

end up following the map to

43:27

some tomb of Malik and there's

43:29

a big fight with some bandits

43:31

or something and this is where

43:33

that barbarian woman is showing aggression.

43:35

She almost can't leave the fight.

43:37

But they end up making their

43:39

way downstairs flowers. And nobody chases

43:41

them down the stairs. Like, oh,

43:43

yeah. They're being attacked above ground.

43:45

There's some word puzzle where they

43:47

realize like somebody's name is misspelled

43:49

so they're able to slide the

43:52

tomb. push letters in and don't

43:54

even get me started. Yeah. You

43:56

guys, this tomb, we're in a

43:58

fantasy land and they're using like

44:00

the most modern Sancera font on

44:02

this monument, right? Like at least

44:04

use some sort of medieval looking

44:06

font for this, right? Ruins. Yeah,

44:08

ruins people. Yes. Oh, but as

44:10

compared to the font that literally

44:12

opened this film was indecipherable, I

44:14

was trying to read the words

44:16

on like the title cards and

44:18

couldn't. Sure, use that here. Use

44:20

that on this ancient tomb. Yeah.

44:22

But they open this and it

44:25

reveals a staircase that goes underground

44:27

make me think of like Legend

44:29

of Zelda. Remember there were always

44:31

those staircases to take you underground?

44:33

Mm-hmm. Yeah, locks won't run down

44:35

there. So Ormaline has to knock

44:37

her down to like get her

44:39

out of the battlefield. she's running

44:41

to the stairs and being chased

44:43

by a horde of enemies. They

44:45

go down the stairs, we're fine.

44:47

There's some weird cut too. When

44:49

they get to the bottom of

44:51

those stairs, everybody is jumping into

44:53

frame. Jumping off of a chair

44:55

out of frame. Like, is part

44:58

of the staircase missing? I don't

45:00

know why everybody is jumping. the

45:02

frame from like a two foot

45:04

box they're jumping into frame it

45:06

was so comical and each one

45:08

of them does it too I

45:10

mean so it's just you notice

45:12

it and it's like oh yep

45:14

yep and yep and I'm like

45:16

if you're not going to have

45:18

the money to film the missing

45:20

stair scene or whatever it is

45:22

just cut to them in the

45:24

hallway then don't wait and just

45:26

have this long scene of them

45:28

all jumping But this is their

45:31

big centerpiece, right? Like this is

45:33

their big fun maze scene from

45:35

last week, right? They have to

45:37

figure out some puzzles and find

45:39

loose bricks to open up doors

45:41

and figure out how to get

45:43

across this electric field. Yeah there's

45:45

a lighted disco floor that the

45:47

only way to know how to

45:49

walk across it backwards is looking

45:51

in some mirror that's hidden and

45:53

this is where we get Nim

45:55

the thief he's been doing so

45:57

well but he is injured at

45:59

this point so they're slowly picking

46:01

him off right clerics gone the

46:04

thief is hobbled and now the

46:06

ormaline is going to try to

46:08

use the pool that we've already

46:10

been told has flaws that send

46:12

people into walls like Malik died

46:14

trying to teleport and put into

46:16

a wall and sure enough when

46:18

they get to the place where

46:20

the orb is her hand stuck

46:22

in the wall. Yeah that was

46:24

just ridiculous and oh it was

46:26

so funny because when Nim is

46:28

climbing up that wall to even

46:30

reveal the mirror you can see

46:32

the set bend like he's pushing

46:34

the rock and the rock moves

46:37

where it shouldn't it's not like

46:39

he's moving a rock that should

46:41

move he's just hitting the set.

46:43

And yes, when they teleport in,

46:45

they're finally at Damador. There's finally

46:47

the showdown. Ormaline is stuck and

46:49

Nim, they're carrying him around. Again,

46:51

Ormaline only brought the one teleportation

46:53

spell there and one home. So

46:55

Nim is like baggage now and

46:57

a bone birdcage comes down to

46:59

trap. Beric and Lux and oh

47:01

it's over except it's not it

47:03

is really quick and like Beric

47:05

cuts off the Amador's arm without

47:07

any trouble grabs the orb and

47:10

they teleport back home. The only

47:12

cool thing is he has to

47:14

like perfectly time cutting off Ormaline's

47:16

arms so she could teleport with

47:18

them. Yeah, it's a strange character

47:20

development. Beric, the old tax guy,

47:22

was doubting his skills as a

47:24

swordsman. This is the redemption arc.

47:26

I just chop off people's hands

47:28

now, a chop off Damador's hand

47:30

to get the orb and I

47:32

chop off the wizard elf's hand

47:34

so that she could go home

47:36

with us. This is the coolest

47:38

thing he'll do, right? This is

47:40

it. the hero's moment. Yeah? Okay,

47:43

strange. Yeah, he kind of gets

47:45

sidelined after this, right? He delivers

47:47

his orb. For sure. Yeah, he

47:49

gets on horseback and leaves the

47:51

barbarian to fight Damador. Damador gets

47:53

a new arm and soon is

47:55

sending wing creatures after them. Yeah,

47:57

whatever those are. There's so many

47:59

CGI creatures. There's been some dropping

48:01

from ceilings and now there's these

48:03

goblin looking things going after them.

48:05

And I mean, it's funny to

48:07

me that he has Ormolene teleport

48:09

them basically to a hospital where

48:11

they could just leave Ormolene and

48:13

NIM and then Lux just as

48:16

like, you go on, I'll fight

48:18

all these things off. And because

48:20

they have no money, there's really

48:22

nobody stopping him from just going

48:24

back to the kingdom. It's feeling.

48:26

like dirty dozen. I wasn't expecting

48:28

this. It was so weird. Monaghanon

48:30

Wayans got killed last week, but

48:32

this one is like picking them

48:34

off. It's feeling like no one's

48:36

going to be left from this

48:38

team. They're all going to die

48:40

on this quest. And sure enough,

48:42

yeah, Barrack seems to be the

48:44

only one left alive. Even the

48:46

barbarian woman looks like she got

48:49

overpowered. We think she's dead. And

48:51

he goes riding back to the

48:53

castle with the orb, gives it

48:55

to his wife, and thinks everything's

48:57

fine. But I don't even see

48:59

water being... used. I don't know

49:01

why you put on an acorn

49:03

mask. I don't know what exploded

49:05

that made everyone dead for miles.

49:07

Well, they burned the book which

49:09

created a like mini tornado of

49:11

water. Yes, that's water? I think

49:13

that it was water in the

49:15

tornado. Okay. That's win! Come on.

49:17

Yes. Kill two birds. Yes, the

49:19

fire and the wind and the

49:22

acorn is earth. Yeah, acorn. Well,

49:24

no, I thought it dug into

49:26

the earth. It dug a hole

49:28

that revealed the chasm underneath, which

49:30

is where more terrarian magic is,

49:32

blah, blah, blah. Let's get to

49:34

the interesting part. Her master was

49:36

taking a bath, which with some

49:38

very gray chest hairs there, I

49:40

didn't need to see today. And

49:42

he gets killed in the tub

49:44

by clacks. And so now clacks

49:46

is undercover there. pretending to help

49:48

them being Oberon. And yeah, they

49:50

put the orb in the wall

49:52

underground and yeah, it creates a

49:55

fireball outside of the room that

49:57

kills everybody, except for Malora and

49:59

Beric were in the room and

50:01

Oberon, I guess because he's really

50:03

clacks, just grabs the orb and

50:05

runs like hell. I don't know

50:07

what's happening anymore. I'm defeated in

50:09

that way of like you're saying,

50:11

and you telling what happens. is

50:13

not helping. Like that's just a

50:15

bunch of nonsense words you just

50:17

said. Nothing that you just said

50:19

clarifies the absolute confusion of this

50:21

climax, which again, they had to

50:23

get the orb, which they did

50:25

to stop the dragon from waking

50:28

up, which it hasn't, and the

50:30

dragon burst out. Why? The orb

50:32

was not put back into suspension.

50:34

The orb is a thing keeping

50:36

the dragon and slumber. Only when

50:38

it's in suspension. It wasn't in

50:40

suspension, it was in like some

50:42

monkeys's paw in some cave where

50:44

we're never going to be again.

50:46

It was just floating in the

50:48

air there in that suspended animation.

50:50

That was floating? Yeah. That was

50:52

being held by an ornate hand.

50:54

And they haven't held the first

50:56

full moon to return it to...

50:58

yeah. Okay, you know what, whatever

51:01

you all say, that's fine, that's

51:03

great. So the dragon's out. Climax

51:05

is here, Dragon smashes his orb,

51:07

Dragon has its power back, Damador

51:09

is happy to be his bitch,

51:11

he'll be his little servant, and

51:13

we get a big old fight

51:15

with Dragon coming. Is he a

51:17

Dragon God? Is that the title?

51:19

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I

51:21

think he's like beyond just a

51:23

regular dragon attacking that they might

51:25

be able to repel with the

51:27

king's guard who has gotten home.

51:29

Valerian is back now. But because

51:31

this is a dragon god, they're

51:34

screwed. But because Maloria figured out

51:36

something about what that cleric was

51:38

saying is faith is the weapon

51:40

not made of steel and magic,

51:42

she will prove her faith by

51:44

creating a acorn shower of light

51:46

and transforming into some new kind

51:48

of magic, right? Like that was

51:50

her arc, right? She wanted to

51:52

learn a new kind of magic.

51:54

She's now the white witch with

51:56

the white orb. Yeah, it goes

51:58

back to that line about arcane

52:00

and whatever other type of magic.

52:02

She's now the, yeah, the white

52:04

witch of this magic, yes. It

52:07

was divine. Yeah, she practiced arcane.

52:09

magic and this is the divine

52:11

magic she's always wanted to practice

52:13

and she's now on the roof

52:15

shooting at dragons although that doesn't

52:17

stop it right what does stop

52:19

the dragon it just gets dragged

52:21

into the water by a bunch

52:23

of majors right so The dragon's

52:25

attacking, the majors are trying to

52:27

stop it, and Malora is able

52:29

to create a new orb because

52:31

she knew and was worshiping the

52:33

Tararian god properly. So she gets

52:35

a new orb, but she's dying.

52:37

She's the only one who could

52:39

stop the dragon, but she's dying.

52:42

So, Barak has to go after

52:44

Damador, and Damador tells Clacks. Go

52:46

kill him and Clax is like,

52:48

nah, I'm outy. And Clax just

52:50

leaves, no punishment for Clax. That

52:52

was so strange. I thought for

52:54

sure he'd come back. I thought

52:56

he was just playing with him

52:58

and that he was going to

53:00

attack. That creature really just drops

53:02

out of the picture. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

53:04

And so we now get a

53:06

very cheap horse race literally as

53:08

Damador is running away on a

53:10

horse and Barrick is giving chase

53:12

and Damador is defeated by a

53:15

scared horse because Lux comes out

53:17

of nowhere and scares Damador's horse

53:19

and he falls off the horse

53:21

and now he's defeated. This is

53:23

my favorite part. This is my

53:25

favorite scene. Because this is where,

53:27

like, Lux is like, oh, I'm

53:29

so barbarianish, I'm going to stab

53:31

him, I'm going to kill him.

53:33

And Barak is like, no, don't

53:35

kill him, because if you kill

53:37

him, you'll kill my wife as

53:39

well. Not sure I follow that,

53:41

but okay, we'll go with those

53:43

of the rules. And she's like,

53:45

gur, gur, gur, gur, I'm a

53:48

barb. He gets Damador to reverse

53:50

the spell. So now, Malora is

53:52

able to pray to... the high

53:54

god of nature who controls all

53:56

the elements and brings the dragon's

53:58

soul back into the orb, thus

54:00

defeating the dragon. Now I don't

54:02

know where the dragon's body goes.

54:04

Does it just go back under

54:06

the mountain? I don't think we

54:08

see it. No, no, it sinks

54:10

into the lake and then gets

54:12

sucked under rocks at the bottom

54:14

of the lake in a very

54:16

clunky CGI scene. Yeah. Okay, I

54:18

repressed that. I just watched this

54:21

yesterday and I forgot. Yeah, it's

54:23

in the water. And again, I

54:25

think there was air, there's rocks,

54:27

there's water, I don't know that

54:29

there was fire, but whatever. The

54:31

four elements or at least three

54:33

of them have defeated the dragon,

54:35

and Malora is healthy because Barrett

54:37

got the charm away. He got

54:39

the lock of his wife's hair

54:41

and destroyed it, so she's no

54:43

longer returning into an undead gloom

54:45

monster. Mm-hmm. And all of this

54:47

is just against really, really poor

54:49

CGI, right? Like we have a

54:51

bunch of fireballs, have a bunch

54:54

of people running around, but the

54:56

apex of this scene is them

54:58

standing on a tower that is

55:00

100% CGI. The tower is CGI,

55:02

the sky is CGI, everybody is

55:04

blue-screened to oblivion. I mean, if

55:06

there is any sense of realty

55:08

to this movie up to this

55:10

point, it has all just been

55:12

thrown out the window for this

55:14

conclusion. There hasn't been, though, so

55:16

we lose nothing. Yeah, agree. But

55:18

there is a tease, and I

55:20

guess there is another movie. We

55:22

get an epilogue of montage in

55:24

which, yeah, basically people are rebuilding.

55:27

We see all the characters. You

55:29

tell me Dorian, the cleric is

55:31

alive and helping, too. I see

55:33

all the other ones trying to

55:35

help clear up the debris of

55:37

the destruction. Dorian isn't helping. He

55:39

actually goes up and interrupts O'Malley

55:41

and Nim who are working together

55:43

doing some cleaning and really you

55:45

only see Dorian from the back

55:47

except he turns and I had

55:49

to freeze from it. I'm like

55:51

does he have the forehead tats?

55:53

Okay, he does have the forehead

55:55

tats, but I had to freeze

55:57

frame to see at what according

56:00

to what Wikipedia, his return means

56:02

is that Dorian is implied

56:04

to have both died and

56:06

gone to the outer planes.

56:08

I don't know what that

56:10

means, but somebody who updated

56:12

wiki does. He's Obie one.

56:14

And they obviously play the

56:16

game. No one played Cleric.

56:18

She never wanted to be

56:20

the Cleric. Tell that to Tom

56:22

Hanks. He was pious. Yeah.

56:25

And most importantly, Damador is

56:27

alive to stalk us again

56:29

in the sequel. Thank God

56:32

I looked at Bruce Payne's

56:34

filmography. He is not returning,

56:37

maybe Damador is, but Bruce

56:39

Payne has better things to

56:41

do? He's had enough. Probably,

56:44

I would think. So Justin,

56:46

Stewart, do you recommend? Dungeons

56:48

and Dragons, wrath of the

56:51

Dragon God. Justin. Justin. The

56:53

first time out with this series,

56:55

I was able to find some

56:57

joy in, let's call it the

56:59

naivete of a director who ended

57:01

up making schlock, but there was

57:04

some real love behind it, right?

57:06

Like I feel like the people

57:08

on that movie loved the look

57:10

and feel and lore of Dungeons

57:12

and Dragons, and you know, they're...

57:14

technical know-how, the acting, wasn't great.

57:16

Well, fast-forward five years later and

57:19

strip any of that away and

57:21

all you're left with is somebody

57:23

who's obsessed with the lore and the

57:25

lore babble and they suck all the

57:27

joy out of whatever is here to

57:30

be enjoyed. This movie is a slog.

57:32

It feels like they watched Lord of

57:34

the Rings directors cut and said, yeah,

57:36

we can do that, but we don't

57:39

have nearly as much. story so we're

57:41

just gonna walk around aimlessly and make

57:43

it feel like it's that long. Seriously

57:46

all the actors in this movie you

57:48

can tell most of them this is

57:50

their big shot right like they all

57:52

want to be here it's not like

57:54

they don't understand the objective but it

57:56

just does not feel right at all

57:58

I got lost in the lore babble

58:00

so many times and then the parts

58:02

of this movie that were supposed to

58:05

be fun you're going on a quest

58:07

you should be fighting dragons and orks

58:09

and stuff they don't do it we

58:11

get to one place it's a little

58:13

bit of a mystery box and it's

58:15

solved super quickly and it looks cheap

58:17

and by time this movie is at

58:19

its crescendo and ending I could care

58:21

less who's standing at the end of

58:23

it it just is really that hard

58:25

to watch so yeah if this type

58:27

of thing is your bag a series

58:29

called House of Dragon, right? Like more

58:32

Game of Thrones. That's very well done

58:34

in this realm. Go watch that and

58:36

leave this on Sci-Fi's server and never

58:38

bring it up again. This was not

58:40

worth even sitting through it. So yeah,

58:43

this one is a big fat red

58:45

arrow for me. Yeah, it's very representation on

58:47

a sci-fi channel, right? I mean, I

58:49

do think of sci-fi channel taking things

58:51

that you might like. Again, I think

58:53

about what it did to June and

58:56

just making it so that it's so

58:58

hard to even turn your eyes to

59:00

look at the screen. The bleached out

59:02

colors, the ugly people, doing ugly things,

59:04

with no sense of fun, just the

59:07

chore of it all. Again, the casting

59:09

a spell of sleep, perhaps a spell

59:11

of forgetting, I probably won't be able

59:13

to remember to remember this... movie in

59:15

three days. So in some ways it's

59:18

not so terrible that it will leave

59:20

lasting trauma, but it is really really

59:22

really hard to pay attention to. I

59:24

dare you to try and watch this

59:26

movie without turning to your phone or

59:28

taking long breaks. I know I took

59:30

at least five to get through this

59:33

thing. It's only an hour and 40

59:35

minutes, but it felt like five years.

59:37

And I could only hope that the

59:39

next movie is short, right? Because it's

59:41

not gonna be any better. Alagir of

59:43

your steward around the time they got

59:45

into the backwards walking room I started looking

59:48

up to see what else the rest of

59:50

the cast had done and maybe like five

59:52

or seven minutes passed and I looked up

59:54

I'm like crap whose arm got cut off

59:56

I didn't realize it was damodores I had

59:59

to back it I got so

1:00:01

disinterested in this film. I

1:00:03

was more interested in people's

1:00:05

filmographies than what was going on

1:00:07

on screen I mean dungeons and dragons

1:00:09

wrath of the Dragon God is not

1:00:12

a rousing game of D&D. No, it's

1:00:14

a slogging dungeon crawl with none

1:00:16

of the fun or excitement or

1:00:18

creativity that makes the tabletop

1:00:21

game legendary. The biggest problem?

1:00:23

A bloated party with zero

1:00:25

depth. Why send five adventurers

1:00:28

on a quest if only

1:00:30

one of them is going to

1:00:32

be an actual character and the

1:00:35

rest are just bodies that bring

1:00:37

very little skill? And our main

1:00:39

hero is so generic. His mage

1:00:41

wife is given way too much

1:00:43

time with little to do. Then

1:00:45

we have her mentor, five forgettable

1:00:48

tag-alongs, damadore, clacks. They're all

1:00:50

cluttering up the screen and

1:00:52

not a single one of

1:00:54

them is compelling. It's like

1:00:56

watching NPC's recite flavor text

1:00:58

with the enthusiasm of a

1:01:01

low-level bard forced into an

1:01:03

unpaid performance. Production-wise?

1:01:05

This is decent for a sci-fi film. It's

1:01:07

a low bar, but still. Compared to

1:01:09

the Blu-ray of the first film,

1:01:12

I thought the video quality was

1:01:14

surprisingly good. There was not digital

1:01:16

noise. It looked sharper than the

1:01:18

transfer of the D&D 2000 film.

1:01:20

And the CG effects are at

1:01:22

least on par and sometimes slightly

1:01:24

better than that theatrical venture. And

1:01:26

I'll give credit where it's due,

1:01:28

and there's very little due. The

1:01:30

practical fire effects are impressive. The

1:01:32

full body... burns are probably the

1:01:35

most convincing thing in this entire

1:01:37

film and it made me want

1:01:39

to set myself on fire instead of

1:01:41

finish the movie. I mean, the acting

1:01:43

in this is dire. It's wooden, it's

1:01:45

lifeless, it is utterly incapable of

1:01:48

selling the stakes. The cast turns

1:01:50

which would be an epic fantasy

1:01:52

into a glorified larping session with

1:01:55

zero charisma. Even Damador, back from

1:01:57

the first film, here he's just

1:01:59

moody. He was a lame henchman

1:02:01

in the last film and now

1:02:04

elevated to big bad status. He's

1:02:06

insufficient. And more, it seems that

1:02:08

Bruce Payne couldn't spend any more

1:02:11

time on wrath of the Dragon

1:02:13

God than Jeremy Iron spent on

1:02:15

the first film. If you can't

1:02:17

afford Bruce Payne, your goose is

1:02:20

surely and thoroughly cooked. So while

1:02:22

the Dragons may have wrath, this

1:02:24

movie inspires nothing but boredom. The

1:02:26

dice of spoken, not recommend. Worst

1:02:29

board game movie yet, right? Mm-hmm.

1:02:31

Easily. Oh, by a lot. Maybe

1:02:33

worse than most video game movies.

1:02:36

I would rather watch battleship five

1:02:38

times than watch this again once.

1:02:40

At least I can rock out

1:02:42

to some ACD-C with that one.

1:02:45

Mm-hmm. Yeah, this one really is

1:02:47

oovableish. It's like right there. Yeah,

1:02:49

as I say, you conjured oovable's

1:02:52

name last week and I was

1:02:54

really feeling it this week. Yeah. Seriously,

1:02:56

I would have to really think hard,

1:02:58

whether this is worse or one of

1:03:00

those in the name of the King

1:03:02

sequels is worse. I was thinking about

1:03:04

it a lot, and I know it

1:03:06

has Dauff Lundgren, but I still think

1:03:08

in the name of King's Better. In

1:03:10

the meantime, we're going to take a

1:03:12

break, thankfully, we need to take a

1:03:14

break before we get to the third

1:03:16

and last of these Cheapie Dungeon and

1:03:18

Dragons movies, and we're going to go

1:03:20

do a video game review. This Friday,

1:03:22

a Minecraft film has opened up, and

1:03:25

we're going to cover it. Yep, I've

1:03:27

never played Minecraft, but you have, so

1:03:29

I'm looking forward to seeing a bunch

1:03:31

of bricks. I mean, from what I

1:03:34

can tell, it's just basically like, duplow,

1:03:36

right? You just build stuff with square

1:03:38

bricks? Yeah? The game could be that

1:03:40

way, but there are zombies. Yeah, I'm

1:03:43

not sure if we're going to expect

1:03:45

a Lego type of movie or an

1:03:47

emoji type of movie here, but like

1:03:50

it's going to be somewhere in that

1:03:52

range. Better than wrath of the Dragon

1:03:54

God. That's all it has to be.

1:03:56

But it has Jack Black, so will it

1:03:59

be? It's iffy. Yes. And in

1:04:01

between, if you want

1:04:03

even more now playing

1:04:06

reviews, our gold level

1:04:08

hacker movie retrospective series

1:04:11

continues this Friday with

1:04:13

John Travolta and Hugh Jackman

1:04:16

in Swordfish. Yeah, we're talking about hacking

1:04:18

as it was in the new century.

1:04:20

I remember this one took a lot

1:04:23

of heats. It came out right around

1:04:25

9-11 and people thought, I just remember

1:04:27

reading hateful things about how irresponsible. It's

1:04:30

almost like they bombed the towers with

1:04:32

this movie. Maybe it's up for a

1:04:34

re-evaluation. I know the thing was hated

1:04:37

in its day, but perhaps we now

1:04:39

have decades of perspective, a way of

1:04:41

appreciating what it has to offer, packing

1:04:44

movies, right? I saw it in theaters

1:04:46

and never wanted to go back, but

1:04:48

here we are. Never want to go

1:04:50

back, really? Wow, I figured you

1:04:52

would like this. I have very

1:04:54

few memories of it. I can

1:04:57

think of two reasons why you

1:04:59

would like this. Well, yes, that's

1:05:01

the two reasons that got me

1:05:03

in theaters. Hugh Jackman and John

1:05:05

Travolta, right? Yes. So that will

1:05:07

be available this Friday. Thank you

1:05:09

for listening to now playing. Thank

1:05:11

you for supporting our show. Justin

1:05:13

Stewart, thank you for joining me.

1:05:15

And now let's pick up the

1:05:17

pieces of this mess of a

1:05:19

movie and go home. And

1:05:46

so, we played the game again

1:05:48

for one last time. It

1:05:51

didn't matter that there were

1:05:53

no maps or dice or

1:05:55

no monsters. Or you saw

1:05:57

the monsters. We did not.

1:06:00

We saw nothing but the death

1:06:02

of hope and the loss of

1:06:05

our friend. And so we

1:06:07

played the game until the

1:06:09

sun began to set and

1:06:11

all the monsters were dead.

1:06:14

Thank you for listening to

1:06:16

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1:06:18

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1:06:20

but now it's your time to

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1:06:38

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1:10:46

The most frightening ones are the

1:10:48

ones that exist in our minds.

1:11:01

Peralmon, Targatas.

1:11:04

The spell. So now...

1:11:06

Okay. I keep

1:11:08

wanting to call

1:11:10

her Malania. So

1:11:12

now, Malora. Peralmon,

1:11:15

Targatas.