0:03

Welcome to the off-menu

0:06

podcast, taking the chicken

0:08

of good chat, marinating

0:10

it in the

0:13

spices

0:18

of humour, leaving it in the fridge of the

0:20

internet and then grilling it on

0:22

the flames of interesting

0:25

facts. Tasty!

0:27

My name is James Acaster, that is Ed Gamble,

0:29

we own a dream restaurant, we invite a guest

0:32

every single week and we ask them their favourite ever,

0:34

starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink,

0:36

not in that order, and this week our guest

0:38

is Helen Bower!

0:41

Helen Bower, a wonderful comedian,

0:43

wonderful podcaster, highly

0:45

recommend the podcast that she

0:47

does with another off-menu alumni,

0:49

Catherine Boehart, it's called Trusty Hogs.

0:52

We've both done it. We've both been on Trusty Hogs,

0:54

yes. Fantastic, do catch

0:56

Helen live whenever you can, whatever

0:59

she's doing, you want to investigate it. Also,

1:02

I know her from the Augment. I

1:05

beg your pardon? We are from the Augmented

1:07

Universe of Pokemon. Oh my gosh. We

1:09

both play Pokemon Go, we're in a crew together

1:11

with Sakisa, if you're talking about alumni. Crew?

1:14

We can't use crew. Well we are a crew because we have to do the raids

1:16

together.

1:17

Raids? Yeah, we have to take down a gym and

1:19

then we beat up a massive Pokemon and then we all get to try

1:21

and catch it. So that's me, Sakisa,

1:24

Bower. I mean, there are people

1:26

who haven't been on the podcast, you

1:29

might not know them as well, but there's about

1:31

seven of us.

1:32

Your wife is meant to be in the crew

1:34

but she never shows up. Yeah, because my wife

1:36

is somehow cooler than you. Yeah,

1:39

well, it happens. You finally found

1:41

someone cooler than me. That's why

1:43

you married her, I guess.

1:45

Yes, you and Helen

1:47

Bower are one of the only remaining

1:49

people in the world to play Pokemon Yeah,

1:51

and both of us, you know,

1:54

Pokemon Go came out in 2016, that's when everyone

1:56

got the app, did it for a bit, then stopped.

1:59

doing it. Bauer and I both

2:02

got into it, you know, pretty late 2019. You

2:04

know, we, we were late to the party

2:07

and that's why the fire still burns bright. We're, we're,

2:09

we're really passionate about it.

2:11

So in fact, when, when Bauer gets here,

2:13

I've got to do a trade with her. So I got some

2:15

regionals from America when I was over there. Do

2:17

you want to just do that on the podcast then? Yeah.

2:20

Yeah. Cause she's really excited to get it. Got a

2:22

talk hole for her.

2:23

A what? A talk hole. What's a talk hole?

2:26

It's a turtle that has a blow hole in its shell.

2:31

Right. A little orange turtle has a blow

2:33

hole in its shell. That was, I think that's

2:35

stupid. Oh, no, no, no. You wait

2:37

till you see it. It kind of, it goes. Because the shell

2:40

is protective. Why would there be a hole in

2:42

the shell? Then predators are going to get to it. Right?

2:44

It goes like, oh, like it's

2:46

going to have a poo, but then it blows air out

2:48

of its blowhole. Why is it blowing air out? It's blowhole.

2:51

You got a blowhole. You got to blow out of it. Is it,

2:53

but is it a land based, is it a land based

2:56

creature? Yeah. It's walking around. So it doesn't need a blowhole.

2:58

It's stupid. I guess that's maybe the point. You could

3:00

chuck it in water and it could survive under there. Has it got

3:02

a mouth?

3:03

Yes. Yeah. Stupid. Breathe in your

3:05

mouth. I think that's a, these

3:07

are more questions for Professor Willow rather

3:09

than me. He's the expert.

3:12

I just catch them all. Who's Professor Willow?

3:14

He's the guy who gives you like, you know,

3:17

research tasks to do. Right. And he's

3:19

the one who's doing all the research into the Pokemon. Yeah.

3:22

Sometimes he can be a bit of a jerk and we get

3:24

a bit annoyed of him. Bauer and I can slag off

3:26

Willow quite a lot on the group chat. Don't

3:29

let us not mean this all about Pokemon today, James.

3:32

Well, don't get to see

3:34

a member of the crew in person very often. It'd be

3:36

quite nice to talk about it. No. We're

3:39

talking about food. That's what the podcast is about. Helen's

3:41

going to do a dream meal. And you know, I've listened to

3:43

a lot of trusty hogs and I think you're

3:46

safe in terms of sweet things. Yes.

3:48

I know. She talks about Chucky a lot. Oh

3:50

yeah. Well, you know,

3:52

Bauer and I once had lunch

3:55

with Anya who's been on the podcast.

3:57

Oh my God. And what a

3:59

which day that was, that

4:02

was pudding central. That

4:04

was the meal where the waitress told us that

4:06

we would get worms. Yeah. So

4:11

that was, I think I'm okay with power coming on the

4:13

pod when it comes to puts. I sent Anya

4:16

a hot chocolate velvetizer say

4:18

thank you for supporting me on tour for the date

4:20

she supported me on tour.

4:22

Lovely, lovely thought. I thought, you know,

4:24

a nice gift. And then her flatmate message

4:26

me saying, are you trying to kill her? Yeah, Ms. Light

4:28

sent her to a baby for

4:32

her birthday. Play with this.

4:35

I mean, it's not exactly like that. I

4:38

wouldn't send the toaster to a baby and go, oh no,

4:40

they're going to make toast all day long. Yeah,

4:43

okay. Yeah. But

4:46

in terms of the danger, yes, you're probably right. But

4:49

we're not here to talk about Anya, we're here to talk about Helen

4:51

Bauer. Yes. However, even

4:53

though Bauer is a member of the crew and

4:56

our respecter,

4:57

if she says the secret ingredient,

4:58

an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will

5:00

have to kick her out at the dream restaurant. And this week,

5:03

the secret ingredient is

5:05

golden raspberries. Why are you

5:07

saying it with me Ed? Because I forgot what it was because

5:09

it's a Pokemon thing again. Listen,

5:11

golden raspberries. Oh my God.

5:14

R-A-Z-Z-B-E-R-R-Y. Raspberries,

5:18

golden raspberries. They're

5:20

the main treat in the Pokemon game.

5:22

So why is it a secret ingredient then? Are they good?

5:26

Listen, they're good for the Pokemon, but not

5:28

for the trainer. Right, the trainer can't eat them.

5:30

Trainer can't eat them. Why?

5:31

Because they're for the Pokemon. There's Pokemon only.

5:34

I've never seen a trainer eat a golden raspberry. It

5:36

gives the Pokemon extra energy.

5:39

So if the Pokemon is flagging, you give it the golden

5:41

raspberry if it's in a gym.

5:44

If you put the Pokemon in the gym and loads

5:46

of people have beat it up and its

5:48

energy levels are down, you can feed it a golden

5:50

raspberry and it goes right up to maximum energy

5:52

again. Drugs. If you're trying

5:54

to catch the Pokemon in the wild, if you give

5:56

it a golden raspberry, it makes it super easy

5:59

to catch.

5:59

Golden raspberries aren't just everywhere. They're

6:02

the rarest of all the treats. There's

6:04

a normal raspberry. There's a

6:07

nana berry, nana berry. It's like

6:09

a banana one. And there's

6:12

the pineapple berry as well.

6:14

And there's silver pineapple berry, which is probably

6:17

my personal favorite, but golden raspberry

6:19

is the most sought after. I think

6:21

Helen would like to, because it's

6:24

dream restaurant. I think Helen would like

6:26

to know what a golden raspberry tastes like in

6:28

real life and might choose it. If

6:31

we have to try and kick Helen Bauer out of the restaurant,

6:34

I fear this may be the last thing

6:36

we do in our lives. Yeah, listen. Because

6:38

she's not backward in coming forward as Helen Bauer. Yeah,

6:41

we were lucky that Jade was over

6:43

Zoom. Yeah. Because

6:45

if that was in person, Jade would have beat the shit

6:48

out of it. So

6:51

Bauer is like, you know,

6:53

it's like in the Terminator films, Jade's

6:56

like the first Terminator in the

6:58

first film. And now this

7:00

is T1000. This is like,

7:02

you know, what's the Robert Patrick or whatever

7:05

the name is? What's his name? The guy actor.

7:07

Anyway, that guy who's all

7:09

liquid metal. That's what Bauer is to

7:11

Jade's. Jade's on it. I don't think

7:13

she's gonna say golden raspberry. She might do.

7:16

I think she might

7:17

be thinking a lot about Pokemon

7:19

because I'm on the pod. And

7:22

she'll be like, oh, I always wondered what a

7:24

golden raspberry tastes like. I

7:26

think here's what I'm gonna say.

7:28

Is it unfair then to talk to her about

7:30

Pokemon? Are we not then absolutely

7:33

setting her up for a trap here? Well, I

7:35

can't not talk about Pokemon to Bauer. So

7:37

that's not an option. And

7:40

I think that golden, I

7:42

don't have a chance to put golden raspberry as

7:44

another secret

7:45

ingredient for someone. Fair enough. I'm just

7:47

putting it out there. I'm just gonna do it. Just putting it out

7:49

there. Just gonna do it. And I will take all the

7:51

blame if it happens. Okay. She'll

7:54

know that you weren't involved. She'll know that you don't know what a golden

7:56

raspberry is. I don't know what a golden raspberry is. I played Pokemon

7:58

Go for a bit, but we'll talk about.

7:59

talk about it to Helen. Yeah, yeah. This

8:02

is the off menu menu of Helen

8:04

Bauer. Welcome

8:13

Helen to the dream restaurant. Thank

8:15

you. Welcome Helen Bauer to the dream

8:17

restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

8:19

Weee! It's a genie!

8:22

Thank you. I genuinely thought there'd

8:24

be a bit more to it than that. You just

8:26

raised your arms. What did you think? At

8:29

least a bit of smoke. Like something

8:31

like talcum powder. We see what we want to see.

8:33

I've got a vape in my pocket. Do you want to do it again?

8:35

Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell

8:38

you one.

8:40

Welcome Helen Bauer to

8:42

the dream restaurant. I'll be expecting you for some time. It

8:46

was actually a lot better. It was a lot better.

8:48

It's just

8:48

something to think about. Just workshop it. You know what

8:51

I mean? What flavor is that vape? Cola.

8:53

Coca Cola. Coca Cola vape. It's

8:55

like sweet Cola sweets. No,

8:58

no, no. I'm a traditionalist.

9:01

Fags. Honestly, that's

9:03

like straight hard tobacco. That's what I want.

9:05

Like I did not understand this vape stuff.

9:08

It makes me

9:08

feel choky. Like I'm going to choke.

9:10

Choky. Whereas like I can have like 20

9:13

sigs in a rut. Yeah. Absolutely fine.

9:15

Time amount if I wanted to. I don't, but I could. That's

9:18

the point though. You don't. No, do you? You don't.

9:21

I'd also, you couldn't. I could. I could. I

9:23

genuinely believe I've got the focus to get up a

9:25

mountain. After 20 cigarettes. After 20, well 20 packs

9:27

actually. Shove me up there.

9:29

Shove me up there. That's not clapping

9:32

my mouth in there is it? Someone's shoving you up there. But

9:34

like a big lad really doing a good push

9:36

job. You and a sherpa going up in

9:38

that way. Poor sherpa

9:40

pushing you up a mountain. You're smoking

9:42

cigarettes. Having to pass you six. Well I'd

9:44

share them because surely they'd want to smoke as well

9:46

because they'd be addicted by the amount of smoke coming back

9:48

from me. If

9:51

you got this Sherpa addicted to cigarettes halfway up

9:53

the mountain, do you not think that would then affect his

9:55

ability to help you get up the mountain? I

9:57

haven't thought it through.

9:59

and also define mountain. How about that? Define

10:02

mountain. I think you guys

10:04

are picturing Everest. Whereas

10:06

for me a mountain could just be like a

10:09

big pile of candy

10:11

and that's a candy mountain. You know, use

10:13

your imagination. We weren't picturing a candy mountain.

10:16

You've got us there. Which is rare

10:18

for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a mountain

10:20

inside out, bing bong. And he's

10:23

on like, and he goes down into the cave and

10:25

he's got to get up the mountain and it's all the stuff and he's

10:27

like bing

10:27

bong bong. And he can't and he dies. Yeah.

10:30

That's like, you don't say that. Sorry. No,

10:33

but it's cause I'm having a childless time. It helps our point here.

10:36

I bought my wife a cuddly bing bong after

10:39

that film and I kept hiding it and she'd

10:41

say, where's bing bong? And I go, I don't know who you're talking about.

10:43

Right, really good. Really good,

10:45

really good. Gaslight and his wife. Really upset her. Yeah.

10:49

I've got a big cuddly maimay, the panda from

10:51

turning red at the moment. Oh yeah.

10:52

Absolutely love it. Like

10:55

I tucked up with my housemate on the sofa the other

10:57

night while he was watching one of his like prison

10:59

break films or something. I don't know what they're

11:01

called. Con Air maybe. Yeah, maybe. One of

11:03

those ones. It's either that or Russian dash cam videos. I

11:06

like to tuck him up with a cuddly toy while he watches

11:08

it. While he watches his Russian dash cam video. Just

11:11

to make it cute. Yeah,

11:11

make him really sweet, sweety, sweety

11:14

baby, baby. He hates me. He

11:16

calls it masculinity buckaroo. Like

11:19

he'll be sitting there and I'll light a scented

11:21

candle, put a blanket on him. And then it's

11:23

when he freaks out. That's when I put on the last item

11:25

of masculinity buckaroo. Right. It's

11:28

fun living with you, do you think? Yeah, really

11:30

fun. Really fun. A lot

11:32

of people have left me over the years, but I do think that's just

11:34

cause they want to live alone, but it's not because

11:36

of me. It's just, you know, the way the world is,

11:39

you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I guess after

11:41

you, there's also a point of getting

11:43

another

11:44

housemate can't top living with Helen.

11:46

That must be it. So I'll have to live by myself now.

11:48

Yeah. I do notice people live with me

11:50

gray quite quickly. Yeah. I

11:53

do think, I think some men that I've lived with

11:55

have lost height. Like,

11:58

which I know.

11:59

sounds really bad but they just seem to get so

12:02

broken. I don't know why just maybe from the

12:04

bands. Yeah, like Sunil

12:07

Patel, my current housemate, he's definitely

12:09

like two inches shorter and

12:11

graying like no one's business. Yeah,

12:14

I've noticed that. But I think it's just from chitter chatter.

12:16

Yeah, Sunil's kind of like

12:20

in Last Crusade when they drink the

12:22

from the wrong cup. Yes. And then

12:24

they go, yeah, the guy rapidly turns

12:26

into like a dead body. Yeah. So that's what

12:28

Disney reference for me. I

12:30

don't know what you're talking about. Sorry, it's a bit universal.

12:34

Let's play

12:37

Marvel. I don't know. Is there a Disney

12:39

film where someone drinks from a cup and signs into an old

12:41

man? I don't think then necessarily

12:44

is. Well, Snow White, she drinks from the

12:46

poison chalice, the bad witchy. Sure.

12:48

Bad witchy drinks from the poison chalice. Living with you

12:51

is like drinking from the poison chalice.

12:52

Yes, of love. Of love. But he's

12:55

got like techniques of how to get rid of me. Because

12:58

him and my old housemates, my best friend from school,

13:00

and he texts Emma all the time being like,

13:03

Oh, like, what do I do with this? But basically

13:05

turns out Emma wasn't very good. So he got a lock

13:07

for his door, a key in lock, and then he keeps key on him. What?

13:10

So he has a lock on his bedroom door. I

13:12

come in for Cuddy Club in the morning. I think it's important

13:14

to have a morning cuddle just physical contact.

13:16

Yeah. He does not like Cuddy Club.

13:19

No, no. But so

13:21

then the solution

13:22

has had to be that he locks his, he has

13:24

a lock on himself. Except

13:26

that Cuddy Club. Well, I think it's

13:28

good for him in the long run. Isn't it? It's good for him to have physical

13:33

contact. It's good for people

13:35

to have it. Well, I've heard of, I mean,

13:37

I'm not sure if you want to tell this story on the podcast,

13:39

Helen. I had a very funny story where the opposite

13:41

happened to you in Edinburgh.

13:43

What you were living with a comic in Edinburgh

13:45

who slept walk and I was right. I respect

13:49

people's choices when it

13:51

comes to the show. comes

14:00

to diet in general, but there are

14:02

some comics out there who are

14:05

fucking minging and I say that having Phil

14:07

Ellis on my couch last night who, do you know Phil's

14:09

diet? No. Don't go on his Instagram.

14:11

It's just like all beige. She has tortilla

14:13

wraps of margarine on them and then

14:15

just like a roast pheasant. I'm not joking.

14:18

He's diabolical. He

14:20

can't have colour because it makes them

14:23

feel

14:23

ill. And I was living with

14:25

one of his like northern comic

14:27

mitts. And he

14:29

was only drinking beer and then eating

14:32

garlic bread from a takeaway, like

14:34

a pizza takeaway,

14:35

every single night. And then one night,

14:37

Slit walked into my room and I

14:40

was like in bed naked because

14:44

it's nice to feel, you know, it's windy in

14:46

Edinburgh and I have to go to the wind beneath your wings. And

14:50

I'm lying there in a lovely time, not doing anything.

14:53

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then he wanders

14:56

in and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

14:58

Like holding the duvet up to me and he's just looking at me and I'm

15:00

like, what are you doing? And he was like, no, I'm just going

15:02

to bed and got in my bed and I

15:04

was like, this isn't your room. This isn't your room.

15:07

Like your girlfriend's next door. Like, no.

15:10

He was like, no, I'm just going to bed. Shut up.

15:13

And then lay down and then turned

15:15

around

15:15

and exploded

15:18

is the only way I can say the gas

15:20

was like, have you ever? Right. You

15:23

know, when you've had like a Tuscan

15:25

bean soup and you wake

15:27

up in the morning and you leave your room

15:29

and you come back in and the whites of your eyes

15:32

sting because of the product

15:34

you've produced. He did that in

15:36

a second.

15:37

It was like a mushroom cloud. And

15:40

then he turned and went, wrong room. What?

15:43

Wrong room. Wrong room. And

15:48

left me like gasping for

15:50

exploring at the,

15:51

it was, oh God. And

15:54

I'm like pro-far in general.

15:56

I am fine with that. I am

15:58

the daughter of a man who works in. like I am

16:00

Poof Arm Daughter Till I Die, but

16:03

it was mad. Mads!

16:05

Loved that story. Yeah, that's... But

16:08

that, you know, if anyone's new to Helen

16:10

Bower, that's all you need to know.

16:13

How is that all you need to know? I'm a multifaceted

16:16

person, I'm an Aries. Yeah? Yeah. And

16:18

a Poof Arm Daughter Till I Die. And a Poof Arm Daughter

16:20

Till I Die. Poof Arm Daughter Till She Dies, that's

16:23

all you need to know. But

16:23

you might need my expertise on Pooh, because when

16:25

I was arriving in this building, apparently there's a problem

16:27

with your drains. What's happening? Do you want to talk about

16:29

it? Well, Ben knows all the details

16:32

and he refuses to talk, so... Oh,

16:36

Benito

16:36

can't talk. It's only

16:38

because I'm drinking tap water and we're all

16:40

having it, but now there's probably the drains. I'm worried

16:42

because

16:43

tap water's a tricky one, because

16:45

obviously it's gone through people's systems about eight

16:48

times before it reaches your mouth in London at the moment.

16:50

But it's filtered though, isn't it? Yeah, but my dad's

16:52

in charge of the filtering. Is he still in charge of the

16:54

filtering? Well, not for London

16:56

now. He's on... Now he left Pooh Farm

16:59

and then he was going to dig

17:02

down to the water table in Fleet,

17:04

my hometown, you know, like just dig a

17:06

hole to see where the water starts. For work or just for a

17:08

laugh? Well, for fun. That was his retirement. And

17:10

then my mum went to a dinner party and one of the woman's

17:13

husbands had already done it. And she was like,

17:15

yeah, it's like, you know, two foot six. And he was like,

17:17

oh, it's only got back and... That was his whole retirement

17:20

plan was to dig down to the water

17:22

table. Then he found out someone else had already done it, so he went

17:24

back to his job.

17:25

He was going to learn how to cook, but

17:27

he made a tiger in

17:29

curry and it took him all day. But then he realised

17:31

he didn't know how to do rice. So he did a mashed potato.

17:34

My mum came home and was like, absolutely

17:36

not. And then weirdly she did divorce him about a month

17:38

after that. Yeah. And then he got on a different Pooh

17:40

Farm job. Yeah.

17:42

Did he connect the dots? Also a child with divorce.

17:44

That's another side to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got

17:46

a child 25. Passionate a bit, isn't it? All

17:49

of the facts you're bringing up about yourself

17:51

to describe yourself. Yes. Pale in comparison

17:53

to the stuff you said immediately previously. Yeah.

17:57

So your dad digging down to the water table

17:59

and then...

17:59

and then making mashed potato with a Thai green curry. And

18:02

then you sweep that under the rug and say, I'm a child of divorce.

18:04

I'm a child of divorce, been through a lot, 25. Terrible,

18:08

rip the family apart. None of us lived at home, but yeah.

18:10

You ripped the family apart, or the divorce? No,

18:13

it's probably all of us, yeah. We're all the better at the

18:15

nightmare. I mean, we

18:17

should get into talking about food really. I

18:20

was already out of motion. I was gonna hear about the Thai green curry and the

18:22

mash. Yeah, that was foodie. Are you a fan

18:24

of food? Yeah, very pro food. Pro

18:27

food, love it, eat all the time, can't

18:29

stop eating,

18:29

think about it 24 seven. Really

18:32

learning in the last year that quality

18:35

and quantity are different things, but it's hard to

18:37

learn. It's a hard- What's the difference? Quantity

18:40

makes you feel sick, makes you feel like you wanna die. Quality,

18:43

feel good, feel special, wanna take a picture.

18:46

Okay. Very different. It's a

18:48

difficult mental shift to

18:50

make, I think. It's one that I've made

18:52

a few years ago, but I was definitely in that

18:55

quantity over quality thing for a while. Well,

18:57

you were a buffet boy. I

18:59

was a

18:59

buffet boy. So then when you were a buffet boy, you're pure quantity.

19:01

I used to work a hotel buffet, so I get it. Like,

19:04

yeah, big time, 5 a.m. every morning. But

19:07

then if you're working it, can

19:09

you really attack the buffet? Can

19:12

you attack the buffet if you're working it?

19:14

Come on, son, yes. Yes,

19:17

I would do the very clever thing of making sure, as

19:19

many people in my area knew that you could

19:22

order an omelet from the chef. And then

19:24

I'd go and stand and watch the omelet get made whilst

19:26

absolutely chowing down.

19:28

Like, no one's business. So you'd be on the buffet

19:30

watching the omelet chef work? Yeah. Yeah. No,

19:33

the omelet chef was in the back. So I'd have to go

19:35

back to the omelet chef. We didn't have an omelet

19:37

chef on display. What's the omelet chef's name?

19:39

You never even know. You never know. You

19:41

never know. You never know. You never

19:43

know. You never know. Yeah. I've been to

19:46

hotel buffets where the omelet chef's on display.

19:48

They're nice. This was a... Yeah, I

19:50

have. It was not on display.

19:52

It was like a business hotel, but a very good business

19:55

hotel. I probably shouldn't say the chain

19:57

in Germany. Yeah.

19:58

In Scandinavia, Sweden.

19:59

Sweden. Love your country. There's

20:02

a breakfast buffet and I didn't understand

20:04

what any of the little cards said for

20:06

each thing and I

20:09

didn't buy the cream. You

20:13

wanted yogurt I'm assuming. Yeah I thought it was yogurt

20:16

to put on my, I had some fruit and

20:18

I just put, spooned all these massive things

20:20

of yogurt on it

20:21

and it was just pure like cream.

20:24

You've got to write it out in English as well because we used

20:26

to have to write what it was and obviously like wrote

20:28

it out in German but then always write it out in English

20:30

even though it's basically the same words right. Yeah and

20:32

also you can normally see what a food is right. Well

20:35

apparently not you stick a shit you ended up with

20:37

a bowl of cream. It was whipped

20:38

cream. Yes but it looked like yogurt. Yeah yeah no this is what I say

20:40

for that one you do need it written out because I

20:43

can see how you make that mistake. Yeah.

20:46

I mean at least it wasn't a bowl of mayonnaise because that

20:48

could have been a bit. Yeah yeah. It's tricky

20:50

eating a bowl of mayonnaise. And to be fair my brain

20:52

because it was expecting yogurt

20:54

took about three mouthfuls to realise it was

20:56

cream. Yeah. Just

20:59

want to quickly circle back you said it's tricky eating

21:01

a bowl of mayonnaise. It is you've got to focus

21:04

like it's tough. Yeah. Like I think

21:06

I've had a bowl but like like a tub. Yeah you've really got

21:08

to. A tub of mayonnaise. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. More

21:10

than a bowl. the fridge

21:12

out. No. Have

21:15

I eaten the fridge out? But if I was going to get through the mayonnaise.

21:17

Yeah. I wouldn't necessarily just eat. Oh

21:20

let's say we're on a time crunch though. You've

21:22

got to eat the mayo. What time crunch are you on? Just

21:24

before midnight on the day expires. Okay so

21:26

if I'm making something and I've got to put mayonnaise in it and I don't want

21:28

to wash up the spoon so I lick the spoon and then put it in something

21:30

else. So I just have a big spoonful of mayonnaise but if I want to

21:32

do that five times I'd struggle with it. Are

21:34

you happy now? Is that what you want me to say? Unbelievable.

21:37

But mayonnaise is like it's

21:38

a staple of my diet. Like I'm very naturally mayo-y. So

21:41

I do think I could do it but

21:43

I think there's a focus it requires. Would you eat

21:45

some in mayo? Yeah. I'd

21:47

eat anything out of push.

21:52

So we'll start with still a sparkling water. Do

21:55

you have a preference? Sparkling please! Wow

21:57

I didn't think you'd say sparkling. Really?

21:59

Yes, I thought you would see sparkling as stupid

22:02

and you'd have strong opinions about it and think

22:04

this is stupid sparkling water. No way I want

22:06

this. You've made so many assumptions

22:09

about me. Yeah, this is crazy. And you know what they say?

22:11

When you assume you

22:13

make a cunt of yourself. No,

22:17

I love sparkling water. It's a treat. Also,

22:20

I did live in Germany for many years and that is

22:22

the standard there. So I'd like, but

22:24

like obviously like in Germany, they're so into sparkling

22:26

water, there's levels of sparkling.

22:27

And I'd like the medium.

22:29

So I don't want to go mad. Do you want this to

22:32

be German sparkling water? Yeah, go on

22:34

German sparkling water. Let's go for

22:36

like the proper like Groschweiner, like classic

22:39

fucking like big glass bottle

22:41

that I can put back in and get money back for. Oh,

22:43

so you go and buy it from the shop, then you drink

22:45

it and then give the bottle back and you get the money back, right?

22:48

Obviously now I'm on Soda Streamy, but like.

22:50

Are you? Yeah, one and a half pumps. James

22:53

couldn't work his. Why can't you work yours? It

22:55

was broken. A lot of them break very easily,

22:57

I think.

22:58

It's yours broken. No, mine's thriving of anything.

23:01

Might be broken though. You might be checking when you get home.

23:03

A lot of them don't work very well and. That's

23:05

not true. James couldn't work out

23:08

how to use it properly and it would go all over

23:10

him every time because he didn't screw it in properly. You've got to screw it

23:12

fully in obviously. I'm pretty

23:14

sure I did. I thought it was broken. Look me in the

23:16

eye and tell me you didn't put a glass under it and just think, oh

23:18

this will work just for one glass. I didn't do that.

23:21

I didn't do that. I followed all these choices. It's broken. Yeah,

23:23

no, I wouldn't do that. Did you do that? No, I was stupid as fuck.

23:26

I've done it so many times. I didn't do that. But

23:28

I also use mine like five

23:30

times a day because I'm like, I do it for

23:32

like, if I want to make a statement at home, I'll like

23:35

hit the space and then be like, listen up

23:37

bitch. So you do it for like

23:39

a. Depuntuate things as well. Every

23:41

time you hit the soda stream, he gets another

23:43

inch shorter. Yeah, yeah. So

23:46

you know, Cuddy Club's about to happen. Cuddy

23:50

Club. So

23:53

if you were going to get the, so

23:55

what was it? Did you say Grohlsteiner?

23:56

Can you get the Grohlsteiner?

23:58

Can you order?

23:59

Do you know it in German please? So we can hear you get

24:02

it in Germany. I know. I know. I

24:05

can't speak German. But

24:07

I'm a little bit tired. I'm

24:10

a little bit tired. I'm

24:12

not a medium. Classic. Would you be laughing

24:14

in the shop? Yeah. I'm a little bit

24:16

tired. Great. Why

24:19

did you need to hear that? Do you guys speak German?

24:22

No. You just need to like check. It's

24:24

just, you know, it's a cool thing that you

24:26

can do.

24:27

You can speak German. I can

24:29

speak German. And you know, I

24:31

think it's just fun to hear it. It is.

24:33

It is. And they need to have the best sparkling water

24:35

in the world. They're very focused on it. To the point

24:37

where like tourists get very upset there all the time because they

24:40

ask for water. And

24:41

they get sparkling water. I did not know that, you know. Yeah.

24:43

You got to ask for tap water. People get very

24:45

confused. Very confused. But

24:48

big fan of sparkling water, which makes me feel bad because now I'm drinking

24:50

tap water here. Pop it off

24:51

as well. I don't like it. Pop it off

24:53

as well. Pop it off as well. Oh my God. That

24:57

actually took me shit myself. Yeah. I

24:59

knew it was coming. James waited until

25:01

you were holding a glass of water as well. I put it

25:03

down. You're holding it to your lips and I thought

25:05

I can get her. That was psychotic.

25:08

That was really, that was one of the best you've done. That's

25:10

one of the best of them. I felt great because I was

25:12

like, how am I going to do this? Because Bauer

25:14

is no stranger to volume. I'm not going

25:16

to be able to get her here. Also

25:19

the instant reaction of Helen

25:21

Net, the reflex of saying I don't like

25:23

it. I don't like it. I rarely interrupt

25:26

the guest

25:26

with it. I'll interrupt myself or

25:28

you. I'll never interrupt the guest with it. But

25:31

I thought it's the only way I'm going to get her. Yeah. Because

25:34

I interrupt. The only

25:36

way that I'm going to be able to catch you off guard

25:38

with poppinoms or bread. I'm actually sweating. It's

25:40

my phone at you when you were mid sentence. This

25:43

is been that was traumatizing bread, but traumatizing.

25:45

Honestly, my mum always says

25:47

that I was in the trenches in a past

25:49

life. And whenever something like that happens, I'm like, there's something

25:51

to it.

25:52

Because my reaction is just like, oh

25:54

my God, I'm going to die. What do you mean your mum says

25:56

you're in the trenches in a past life? Oh, like when I

25:58

was younger, we went to the... Imperial War Museum

26:01

and I didn't want to go, you know the trench experience. I

26:04

didn't want to go in and I just started crying. And my mom was like, here

26:06

we bloody go. So that's why your

26:08

mom thought it must be a past life that

26:10

you're in the trench. Because as a child, you didn't want

26:12

to go in the trench experience at the airport. Very frightened

26:14

of it. She felt like I was having a

26:16

flashback. You look so confused.

26:18

Kids don't want to do stuff sometimes. It

26:20

doesn't mean it had anything to do with their past life. But

26:22

she needed to justify because she'd basically

26:25

gone through this whole thing that Titanic had come out and she

26:27

didn't want to see it because she thought she was on it in

26:29

a past life and it didn't bring back too many memories. Like she

26:31

still can't listen to Celine Dion as a whole thing. Yeah,

26:34

yeah, yeah. Always nice to get an explanation that leads to more

26:36

questions. But I

26:38

panicked. I fully

26:40

panicked when you screamed that at me. And then

26:42

I'm like, clearly there's a past there. Well,

26:44

maybe, yeah, but I think it will be in the life that you have

26:46

led this life. It's all in very grave

26:49

at you. Yeah, yeah, I don't think it is the past life

26:51

you were in the trenches. We don't

26:53

know. I think maybe the reason you cried at the war museum is because your

26:56

family are German. Well, exactly, dude. Also,

26:58

I don't think in the trenches that you got an option

27:00

between poppadoms or bread. No,

27:02

I think, you know, it was just a bit of hard bread. Well,

27:05

yeah, maybe on the English side and the German side were thriving.

27:07

You were hitting back first of all. I was faster, a poppadom

27:09

with a port. Port bitter.

27:13

But bread is a- Bread, obviously

27:16

bread. I have listened to this podcast.

27:18

I never understand the poppadoms as a choice. It's

27:21

so specific for me that feels like a side

27:23

to a curry. Like you don't start with

27:25

just a big plain crisp.

27:27

You would start a curry with

27:29

the poppadom, right? You get those before the curry,

27:32

right? Yeah, obviously. But that feels like it comes like

27:34

I want it with the curry. So I could make like a taco

27:36

of the curry. Interesting. So you wouldn't have

27:39

the poppadoms, finish the poppadoms and then the curry

27:41

comes. No. Oh, that's great.

27:44

No, because- They bring it in a big stack, all

27:46

the dips, you and your friends starving, you're

27:48

starving.

27:48

No one's slagging off the dips. But

27:51

there's something about like poppadom arriving and then

27:53

you've got your curry and then you're dipping the poppadom in

27:55

to like finish it off or like making the taco.

27:58

And then you're like all messy. And it's like-

27:59

like you're flirting with the guy and you've got your

28:02

big crisp taco and you're like,

28:04

you're flirting with the waiter

28:06

in this scenario by showing how

28:08

good a sandwich I can make. Well,

28:11

and I'll quote you eating a big poppadum

28:13

tucker and you're all messy and

28:15

going, a relatable way.

28:17

Yeah. Like a rom-com. Yeah. Yeah.

28:19

Like big messy girl, dribbling,

28:22

taking my solids on myself. What am I like?

28:26

Oh, put her in

28:27

a film. Give her a best friend. This guy's absolutely

28:29

obsessed with you at this point. Losing his nuts.

28:32

Losing his nuts. Yeah. He's in no

28:34

way getting, you know, on the phone to get a lock

28:36

fitted on the kitchen door. He's

28:40

pulling tables aside so he can get his boner through.

28:42

Like an old room for everyone. Neither of them. I don't

28:44

know what cuddy club means. A

28:48

particular type of bread?

28:49

I like soft bread. I don't want to have

28:51

to work for it. You know, when you have a sandwich and at the end

28:53

of it, your jaw is tired and you're like,

28:56

I didn't deserve that. You know

28:58

what? Like, um, the bread they

29:00

put around like German Dona kebabs,

29:03

the dude is called like, I know it's a Turkish

29:05

bread, but flood and broke and it's like sesame on top

29:07

and it's

29:10

like really pillowy and gorgeous.

29:13

It's like a really nice pitter basically. It's what it

29:15

tastes like. Yeah.

29:15

Yeah. Like that. And it's like, there's a bit of oil

29:18

definitely involved and it's like, oh

29:20

my God, that just like super soft

29:23

and like,

29:23

like, yeah, in your mouth. Um, are

29:26

you putting anything on the bread butter? But

29:28

like, I need the butter to already

29:31

be melted because I don't want to waste time.

29:33

Like if the butter can be a dip like

29:35

olive oil, that's easier. So like a

29:38

pot of clarified butter that you can get.

29:40

Yeah. Yeah. Or sort of like a soft

29:42

serve machine. Like

29:45

fizzes out brilliant onto the,

29:47

onto the bread. Like hot

29:50

butter, obviously sort of clarified

29:52

butter, but from like a draft, a beer draft

29:54

pump. I'm going to level with you, Ed. I don't know what clarified

29:57

means. It's like melt, just melted

29:59

basically.

29:59

Just say melted then. Come on. Who

30:02

are we showing off to? James? Yeah. All

30:05

right, sorry. The word, I was impressed. Okay. Yeah,

30:07

I want a hot melted bowl of claraher butter and

30:09

I want a dip. I don't want to spread. But you want it coming

30:12

out the draft pump and it sprays out. I think

30:14

so. Yeah, actually I do definitely want a draft pump, yeah. I

30:16

think we've talked about this bread before

30:18

because we all went for a meal at Kudu in

30:20

Peckham. Ooh. Yeah.

30:22

And they do a bread that comes

30:25

in a skillet and it's like brioche type

30:27

bread. Stop. So it's like fresh baked

30:29

but then they bring another skillet with just melted

30:31

butter in it with loads of bacon in

30:33

it as well. That feels dangerous. And they do another

30:35

one that's like a shrimp one. And then you just

30:38

sit there and dip this. It is

30:40

heaven. It is exactly what you've described.

30:42

In Peckham? Yeah. Okay,

30:44

amazing. I'm going there. It sounds incredible.

30:46

It is phenomenal. Yeah. Because sometimes when

30:48

you spread butter, you can end up with like the ratio being

30:51

like too thick on one end and you're talking

30:53

so you can't really focus on it the way that you want

30:55

to. And for me, like bread and butter

30:57

is binging. So it's speed, right?

31:01

You're getting it in because someone else might start

31:03

trying to grab at it and it

31:04

becomes a whole thing. Cause like it's still

31:06

not in this show to have your own

31:08

bread basket. Right. Like it's still

31:11

frowned upon. That's very true. Even if there's two of

31:13

you and you know, you're going to ask for more bread for

31:15

some reason, God forbid when you

31:17

sit down bread basket age, God forbid.

31:20

And that would be quicker. It

31:22

saves everyone a trip. Yeah. Everyone's

31:24

happier.

31:25

A trip. What's the trip? For

31:28

the waiter, I guess. It doesn't save everyone a trip. It

31:31

doesn't save everyone a trip. Makes me

31:33

happy. And that's what we're all aiming for. What we're

31:35

going for here. Cause it's your dream. Dream meal. It's

31:37

my dream meal. So you want to make sure you got the bread basket

31:40

for you. Yes. At your dream meal.

31:42

Filled with those fluffy pillowy pitters.

31:45

And you got your clarified butter coming

31:47

out of a draft pump.

31:48

Yeah. And I want it to melt into the bread like

31:51

butter does on a crumpet. Yeah. Like

31:53

that level of sponge. Yeah. Yeah.

31:56

Oh, it's made me sad now I never chose crumpets. Can

31:58

we choose crumpets?

31:59

or bread. Oh, it's crumpet and bread for

32:02

you. I would let people choose that. We can

32:04

throw a couple of crumpets in the basket for you. Yeah.

32:06

Oh

32:06

my God. And then, and

32:08

some Marmite as well. Cause you know, like when you

32:11

have Marmite, yeah, yeah, yeah, that thick you

32:14

spread in on the Marmite reasonable, like

32:16

your taste in it, but it's not the

32:19

biggest presence in every bite. There'll be butter pockets,

32:21

Marmite pockets. I'll mix it in my mouth.

32:24

Cause at the end of the day, as I always says, it all comes

32:26

out like shit. So you know

32:27

what I mean? She's a wife woman. She's

32:31

got a lot going on your mum. Yeah.

32:33

Yeah. You used to

32:36

be in the trenches. It all comes out like shit. Thank

32:38

you, mama. That sounds

32:40

great. Just thinking about it. I feel happy

32:43

and I've calmed down from the truck. Are you,

32:45

um, with this draft, are you putting the bread

32:47

under it and then drafting straight onto it? Or

32:49

are you drafting into a little bowl and then dipping? I

32:52

want both options because I feel

32:54

like

32:54

at first I'll be going straight on the bread

32:56

and then I'm going to want to play around with

32:59

like dipping, double dipping, triple

33:01

dipping, letting soak and then lift up.

33:03

Cause there's so many dipping techniques and

33:06

I

33:06

pretty familiar with most of them. Cause

33:09

like there's soaking levels

33:11

and I'd like to play around with that like biscuit and tea. Yeah.

33:14

Yeah. And you're only human. So I'm assuming

33:16

you will be trying putting your head directly under the draft

33:18

and pouring some butter directly into your mouth. Oh

33:21

yeah. Yeah, obviously. Yeah. Only

33:23

human. Yeah. Only human. Let me be. If

33:25

someone had a butter draft and they didn't do that, I'd think

33:27

they're a psychopath. Really? Yeah. I don't think

33:29

I would do it. You would do it. You did it in the bloody ice

33:32

cream shop. You used to work out.

33:34

Yeah. And with ice cream.

33:35

Yeah, sure. Not with the sweet butter.

33:38

I did it with, yeah, I

33:40

pulled the, we had the little pump for the

33:42

soft serve.

33:43

I'd do that directly in the mouth. Brain

33:45

freeze. Yeah. Yeah. But that's part of the fun. Feels

33:48

like very medically risky. Do it with

33:50

the, wow, I was young. I do

33:54

the ice blasts, you know, I'd mix the ice

33:56

blast with the soft drinks.

33:57

Yeah. You have to give it a go. Cause

33:59

it's always like. You know when you watch like Charlie

34:01

and the Chocolate Factory and like Wonka

34:03

is so shocked that Augustus Gleep

34:06

is drinking out of the chocolate river and it's like as if

34:08

no one has done that before. Like as if the empulimpers

34:10

aren't doing that then you're back and stuff. Yeah for sure.

34:12

Oh no he can't drink out of it and it's like they're all

34:15

bloody doing it. It's a really... They're pissing into it

34:17

probably like don't even try it. It's a

34:19

weirdly unfair film that that that

34:21

especially that one. Oh when Gleep doesn't win. Well

34:24

the whole thing is here's

34:26

my magical chocolate factory with

34:28

loads of everything is edible it's all chocolate

34:30

how exciting. I'm going to invite five kids

34:33

in and

34:33

if they don't obey the rules

34:36

they get it's like what are you on about? You

34:38

just invited them into the most exciting place ever.

34:41

Yes. And now you're going to put rules that are

34:43

don't drink out of that chocolate river that I've just left

34:45

completely open to everyone and don't

34:47

try that new chocolate bar that I've just invented over

34:49

there Mike TV or whoever that kid's name is. Don't

34:51

have a gobstopper. Yeah

34:54

it's the rules are insane but I also just morally

34:56

have a problem with it because what

34:58

the hell does Charlie Bucket a

35:00

boy that's had two chocolate bars in his

35:03

life tops know about running a chalky

35:05

factory? You know if

35:07

a man knows chocolate

35:08

it's Gleep give it to him. He's

35:11

researched it he's dedicated his entire

35:13

life to chocolate even when he finds the one

35:15

Cabar at the beginning they ask him how do you

35:17

feel he just says hungry like absolute

35:20

respect. Yeah but also Gleep's you

35:22

can't give Gleep the chocolate factory. Why? Weak

35:25

tops that factory's last thing he's drinking all of

35:27

it isn't he? Is he a drinker? How dare you? Gloop

35:30

can't clearly control

35:32

himself.

35:33

Look it's like when you're faced with a

35:35

buffet you lose your mind but the fifth

35:37

sixth day in the hotel when you're going down there it's

35:39

all different. Not not different. You don't

35:41

know Gloop? You said he felt

35:44

hungry. Every day there's going to be

35:46

a call going um yeah

35:48

Gloop stuck in the tube again. Yeah

35:50

he's going to get stuck in the tube every day. Then

35:52

you'll remove the tube won't he and you'll lie down to

35:54

swim.

35:55

You'll lie down to swim in Chalky River and they'll have a lovely

35:57

time. Either way Charlie. buckets

36:00

not running that well either. What's he going to do? I think

36:02

Charlie Bucket would give his personality

36:04

type would take it very seriously and want to please

36:07

and do it. I think in the long run, it would

36:09

not be good for Charlie Bucket's mental health.

36:12

Working in the chocolate factory.

36:14

People don't think about buckets and having all the pressure

36:16

on him because he would, he would, he would care so much

36:19

about doing it right and not being

36:21

selfish about it. That he would take it very,

36:23

very seriously from a young age. And

36:25

for a while he wouldn't notice that that's bad for him

36:28

because it would be such a step up from, you know,

36:30

where, where he was living with everyone in

36:32

one bed. Yeah, that's fucked up, man. But by

36:34

the time he gets into his like, you know, firties

36:37

or whatever, he'll have time to reflect and

36:39

go, this actually hasn't been very good for me.

36:41

Yeah. And all this pressure. And actually, I

36:44

wish I just had been like gloop and just drank out

36:46

of that river and just been a kid. Yeah. You know,

36:48

gloop says yes to life in many ways.

36:52

Also, like Wonka gives Charlie the factory just

36:54

after he's broken the ceiling. It's all like,

36:56

oh, he's smashing his head for a life. Roald Dahl had a real problem

36:58

with fat kids, didn't he? Yeah.

37:00

Well, yeah, they're all

37:02

like, oh, greedy little fat kids. Yeah. It's like

37:04

disgusting. It's like Bruce, Bruce Bogtrotter.

37:07

Yeah. Bruce gets his moment. Yeah, that's true.

37:09

Bruce is loved. Have

37:13

you heard of the company Get Baked?

37:16

No. They're a bakery and Leeds

37:19

and they do a cake called the Bruce. No,

37:21

which is like a real life version of the cake

37:24

from Matilda made with the blood, sweat and tears of

37:26

cookie. They have to sell

37:28

it in slices because it's so big. So

37:31

have you had it? Yeah. How was it? Oh,

37:33

it's insane. It's brilliant. But it took me about four

37:35

to five settings to eat the whole slice. Your eyes

37:37

have lit up. Oh, my God. It's

37:40

so good. It's like it's on a sugar

37:42

high from talking about. Yeah, absolutely. It's

37:44

phenomenal. Leeds. Leeds. They deliver

37:47

as well. OK, deliver it. Deliver

37:49

your slice of the Bruce. Yeah. No, I want

37:51

to see the whole thing. They wouldn't sell me the whole thing. Legally,

37:54

they can't. No, I think I think they'd have

37:56

to get a truck to bring it in on a pallet.

37:59

You

38:02

better get onto your menu proper. Yeah.

38:05

I'm focused.

38:06

I'm focused. No one said

38:08

your word. That's

38:11

how it felt. Your

38:13

dream starter.

38:14

I would like prawn

38:16

porridge. Oh yeah. It's the best. It's

38:19

the best starter. It's delicious. Yeah.

38:22

It's like the nicest curried prawns

38:24

and like this fried, it's more bread, but I

38:27

medically addicted to bread, like fried

38:30

sort of like doughy roti.

38:32

Oh my God. I can't

38:34

handle it with like lemon that you put on the prawns.

38:39

There's an amazing one in South London called

38:42

Apollo banana leaf. It's like

38:45

a Sri Lankan restaurant

38:47

and you know, it's good because

38:49

like they sort of have a menu, but they don't.

38:51

They just sort of go like, if you say anything that I wouldn't

38:53

have it, we don't have it. Yeah. They

38:55

just sort of make up other dishes and at the end they just sort

38:58

of like guess at a price. You're like, can we have

39:00

the bill? And they're like, 20 pounds. So you know, it's

39:02

good. Right? Cause

39:05

it's all about the food and it's just

39:07

magical. And the prawn puri is something they have on there all

39:09

the time. That is that I have never been turned

39:11

away with a prawn puri. Great. Always

39:14

get it.

39:14

Always get it. I love, I do love

39:16

a prawn puri. When I was growing up, when I was living at

39:18

home with my mum, that was like when we'd order

39:21

an Indian, we'd always share everything,

39:23

but then she'd get a prawn puri for herself.

39:25

And for some reason I never got a prawn puri. So

39:28

I would always be like that prawn puri. But

39:31

it was like my mum's secret treat that she would

39:33

have. Yeah. So when I started ordering

39:35

my own takeaways,

39:37

always a prawn puri. And you know what? It

39:39

was worth it. It is. Cause

39:41

it's also like the ultimate greedy person starter because

39:43

everyone else just gets like a simple, like they

39:45

got samosas or something. And then obviously you can

39:48

be like, someone gets bag of

39:50

wine, barges, give me an onion bar. You

39:52

don't need a dick about it. You get a prawn puri that's coming

39:54

in two separate items. Cause you've got the prawn curry

39:56

and the bread. But if you order a prawn puri

39:58

and a naan, everyone's chill with it.

39:59

if you ordered two Nans and you're two Nans Helen, you

40:02

know what I mean? So

40:04

it's like, you've really like thought

40:06

about it. You're getting two parts in one. No

40:09

one wants to be two Nans Helen. I was and it

40:11

was a tough time. It's a tough time. We

40:13

could tell that you were. When you're

40:15

saying it, it's like, that's not a vid. That

40:17

wasn't a universal observation. Two Nans

40:19

Helen, if she comes. But

40:22

now I figured out the prawn puri trick. Yeah.

40:25

I love a prawn puri.

40:27

One of the sweetest stories Ed's ever told that. I

40:29

don't want to gloss over it too much because like, I

40:31

already told her because I knew you'd love it. When he grew up, he started

40:34

ordering prawn puris to be like, is it mum? Yeah.

40:39

And of course we've talked about it on

40:41

the podcast before. My pizza express

40:43

order is my pizza express order because I copied it off my

40:45

dad. Yeah. So cute. And

40:49

do you feel

40:49

close to them when you do

40:51

it? No. Part

40:54

of you must think of them. Prawn puri

40:56

definitely. Yeah. Did

40:58

you ever confront her and be like, why did I

41:00

not get one? No, not really. I mean, obviously

41:02

I'd already. Just call her home and be like, what the fuck?

41:04

I think she was probably already getting fed up with me being like,

41:06

and I want this, and this, and this, and

41:09

this. So she was like, well, all right, you can have that, but you're not

41:11

having any of my prawn puri. We've

41:12

ordered half the restaurant already. She's got

41:14

something for herself. Yeah. Well,

41:16

she's got her boy. That's all she needs. A

41:18

sweet little boy. I

41:21

was very much the gloop of the Indian takeaway. Yeah.

41:24

He wouldn't have been, he wouldn't have inhabited that

41:26

takeaway if they were looking for five kids

41:29

around the kitchen. Yeah. I'd be stuck

41:31

in the Korma tube.

41:35

His face pressed against the. Your

41:37

mum just screaming.

41:39

He can't swim or gets the bag. So

41:41

it's a broom for later. He's

41:44

coming to the PCORA room, quick, man. How

41:48

quickly the exact quotes from Charlie

41:50

the Chalk Factory just tripped off your tongue. Then they

41:53

were exactly, I haven't thought about that

41:55

version about the Gene Wilder version. Yeah. One

41:58

of the films I watched the most as a kid.

41:59

But I couldn't like directly quote it like

42:02

that. You were straight in there with not only is

42:04

that word perfect, I'm pretty sure that's exactly

42:06

how she sounds. Yeah. Augustus now looks like

42:09

something from the edge off. It's the whole delivery. Very

42:12

passionate about it. Yeah, very passionate. Even

42:14

though I fundamentally don't like it, because I still

42:16

believe it's gloops. Yeah. What do you think

42:19

about Slugwurf? Slugwurf.

42:21

Such a good character. Like,

42:23

such, like the way that he just arrives

42:25

with all the children. I don't think I read the book. It's

42:27

not in the book Slugwurf. Is he not? Really?

42:30

Yeah, they added in for the film. So Roald

42:32

Dahl hated Slugwurf. When he saw the

42:34

film, he was like, they ruined it with this. Slugwurf. Really?

42:36

Prick. That bit in the tunnel. That's so scary.

42:39

Yeah, the tunnel is so good. The boat ride.

42:41

Yeah. Have you been to the Shrek adventure? No.

42:45

There's like a magic bus

42:47

ride that really makes me think about it. Yeah.

42:49

Like, it's really similar. Like you're on this bus

42:51

and it's like, you're going through these different worlds. And I'm like, with

42:55

Shrek. Yeah. We've

42:56

shown Shrek's not with you. Part

42:58

of the adventure is you're going to get Shrek from prison.

43:00

He's in prison. Awful. Why are you

43:02

looking at each other like that? I'm not looking at Ed. Why?

43:05

What's happened? I put my hand in front of Ed so I can't see his face.

43:07

Moving on to your main course. What has happened

43:09

just now? Do you know James does a brilliant impression

43:11

of Shrek? No. So if there's

43:14

anything you would like to hear Shrek say, then ask

43:16

James and he'll magically transform into Shrek. Obviously,

43:18

Augusta Starling saves some room for later, but

43:20

as Shrek. Okay. It's

43:23

going to get the lines in my head. I

43:25

just

43:25

got to get into it. No, I get it. Yeah. I'll

43:27

vamp up to it with some other words with some like

43:30

stock Shrek phrases. And then I'll do it. That's

43:33

hard to say. It's like an onion. Yeah. Yeah.

43:36

Oh, my name is Shrek. Oh, don't

43:38

get Augusta Starling. You say some

43:40

room for later. What was

43:42

that? Was that? Ellen looks so disappointed.

43:45

That was disappointing. No, come on. That was

43:49

devastated. Who told you that

43:51

was good? Ed

43:53

says it's good. It's really good. Is it? Yeah,

43:55

that's why we make him do it on every episode.

43:58

I have never heard that before. and I've listened

44:00

to this podcast. Maybe get sent it to that.

44:02

I don't know how Benito. I'll say this, babe. It's

44:05

not good. It's actually woefully

44:07

bad. No, he's just warming up. So do Augusta's

44:09

darling. You did it. You said it. Oh, did he? But

44:12

I said it. I said it to Augusta's group. I

44:14

told him you'll say some more for later. He

44:17

sounds like a Texan

44:19

man. My name is Shrek. Don't care. Don't

44:22

care. Have you been to the Shrek adventure? He

44:24

is the Shrek adventure. You are the Shrek adventure.

44:27

Come with me and you'll

44:29

be in a world

44:32

of pure imagination. Body

44:35

Shrek, I'm a fool. You

44:38

can come with imagination. That's more

44:41

like donkey.

44:41

No? Donkey,

44:44

you and me. We

44:47

like chocolate in the factory. That's

44:51

a good one. I'm green. I am

44:54

Shrek. I'm a big

44:57

friendly ogre. It's lovely. That's

44:59

really, that got better because I liked the

45:01

song a lot. Yeah. But I'm a sucker for a song.

45:04

Thank you. Thank you. That

45:06

was upset.

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47:08

Dream main course. Okay

47:10

you know how tricky this question is right? That's

47:13

almost impossible but I've decided

47:15

to be true to myself and

47:17

it's my go-to Domino's.

47:27

I want Domino's. I

47:30

medically can't be

47:32

without it like I find

47:34

it hard to not be close to a Domino's

47:37

at any point. Like we

47:39

never had it growing up it was like this forbidden

47:41

fruit and this girl I went to school with her dad

47:43

managed three Domino's. Even

47:46

over the period where you got a free dime bar with your

47:48

Domino's and her house was just dime bars it

47:50

was incredible. So like I felt

47:52

like I was so close to it but then never

47:54

got it because there's a Domino's in my hometown we don't have

47:56

much house. Yeah it's like I love it

47:59

everything about it. is just flawless. The garlic

48:01

and herb dip, like I'm a stuffed crust

48:03

baby till I doit. I want

48:06

the double mozzarella cheese.

48:07

I'm getting emotional.

48:10

It is so comforting. But

48:12

to the point I got so addicted to it, because I'm not

48:14

like I only have on a cheese deal, obviously for Teeth's Tuesday, I'm not

48:16

that thick. But then I had

48:19

notes on my phone, I'd written myself about how

48:21

I feel after a Domino's, so I wouldn't

48:23

do it again. But my writing is

48:26

dog shit. Like, and

48:28

I say that as someone who wants to write, like

48:30

his I

48:32

actually deleted them because I thought it was probably like

48:34

bad. So I had so many. So

48:37

there's so many different Helens in this situation, because

48:39

there's before Domino's, like can't wait for

48:41

the Domino's. There's Helen eating the Domino's,

48:43

which is like a bridging personality. Yeah, but then there's

48:46

post Domino's feels awful. Like writes the notes gastrically,

48:53

like in a real state. And

48:55

like I was in I've like had the

48:57

worst gastro year I was in my hospital three

49:00

weeks ago,

49:00

because I was having this egg out my bra

49:02

every day and it'd been heated up between my tits for 50 minutes.

49:05

I'd eat this hard boiled egg and turns out don't

49:08

do that. So like,

49:10

like I was no, what? That's

49:12

okay. Do you know what? Actually, I'm gonna

49:15

say that is in all the

49:19

times that we've done the podcast, the weirdest

49:21

sentence anyone has ever said. You

49:24

are trying to gloss over this. And

49:26

what I'm assuming there was no context that you

49:28

gave whatsoever that you didn't give any content. I'm assuming

49:31

that you would do it was a show. Yeah, yeah.

49:34

And during the show, you had an egg in your bra

49:36

and you would get the egg out of the end of the show and eat it. Correct.

49:39

Okay, so that's the content

49:40

shouted at you. But you

49:43

just said I had every day I had

49:45

this egg out my bra and it was in there for 50 minutes. And then

49:48

I would eat the egg. I can see how that's confusing. Would

49:51

you put a raw egg in your bar? No, I

49:53

mean, it would cut. I did

49:55

try

49:57

parboiled but a nightmare

49:59

because movement wise, like your yolk constantly

50:02

at risk. So it would go in hard, boiled.

50:04

So I ate an egg. I bit

50:06

into the egg at the end of every show, but I was eating because I couldn't

50:09

find a bin

50:09

that was convenient. So I was just

50:11

like eating the whole egg, but it had been heated

50:14

between my breasts and sweating

50:16

on stage the whole show.

50:18

And then I'd eat it. And it was like some

50:21

days the egg I'd left backstage

50:23

at the venue in like a two pack from

50:25

the day before. And then one day I couldn't find

50:27

an egg. So I was like peeling a Scotch egg. So

50:29

it was like a meaty egg in between my bra. And

50:31

I'd done that every day for like 26

50:34

days. And everyone was like, Oh, don't eat

50:36

an egg out your bra. And everyone was like, you're refrigerating it. And you're

50:38

just like, Oh yeah, I'm refrigerating it just to like, cause it's

50:40

not worth the

50:41

fight. It's like, you can always like, Oh, you

50:43

need to refrigerate it. But it's like, well, you don't know

50:45

that cause no one's eating an egg out

50:47

there bra every day. Feel

50:49

safer though. It's just a hypothetical idea.

50:52

It's just a hypothetical idea. It's

50:54

not true. And I'm not going to be like, I

50:56

can tell what to do by like Katherine

50:58

Bohan. Cause like, what does she know about eggs

51:00

in refrigeration?

51:02

So I was eating it and

51:04

I was feeling a bit queasy and

51:06

then went to do some gigs in Norway

51:09

and

51:10

you message saying get this chocolate.

51:12

Get smashed. Smash. Good

51:14

love. Yeah. And then

51:17

my tummy really hurt and then I

51:19

couldn't drink anything and I

51:21

ended up in hospital having to get rehydrated

51:24

and they were like, what have you done? And I was like, nothing. I'm

51:26

just have chalky covered crisps and

51:28

a banana. Cause I was feeling a bit

51:30

sick.

51:30

And, um, yeah. Did you tell

51:32

them about the egg in the bra? I did tell them about the egg,

51:34

but they thought, I think they thought I was delirious cause

51:36

it's like second language stuff. Right. I'd imagine

51:39

you gave them no context whatsoever. Yeah. I've been

51:41

eating an egg out of my bra every day.

51:43

Sometimes I peel a Scotch egg and eat it and have

51:46

that between my tits. But otherwise

51:47

you have to be like, Oh, I'm a comedian.

51:50

I did this thing called the Edinburgh Fringe. And

51:52

then you go into that, which eventually did tell them then they

51:54

could hear them all at the nurses stage

51:56

and like watching my live at the Apollo as I was

51:58

like writhing in pain in a. door

52:00

because I couldn't get into a room. I

52:03

had a lovely time on the gastro ward in Oslo, shout

52:05

out to the gals on it. Made a lot

52:07

of friends. Well, just smiling, we couldn't talk, but it

52:10

was nice. I hesitate to ask

52:12

this, but what situation were you in where you couldn't

52:14

find an egg, but there was a Scotch egg town? That

52:18

happened a couple of times. Basically,

52:21

I couldn't

52:22

always remember to boil egg at home in Edinburgh,

52:25

and then if I did, I'd have to walk across town with

52:27

a boiled egg in my bra, which I think we're adding an extra hour.

52:29

Hang on, you would boil them at home

52:32

and put them in your bra immediately.

52:34

I wouldn't take them to the venue and do it

52:36

just before you went on stage.

52:37

Yeah, but then you got to travel with an egg, which is quite

52:40

tricky in the safest place. I figured to carry

52:42

an egg is between your breasts. So it wasn't

52:44

just 50 minutes that the egg was in there. Sometimes

52:47

it would be a couple of hours and a long walk to the venue.

52:49

You're looking at me like this isn't good, but

52:52

like it's very nestled. Where

52:54

does a hen keep an egg? In her tits.

52:57

Probably. I'm pretty sure that's not.

52:59

Well, where does a hen's tits start

53:02

and when does it get round to the tummy? I mean,

53:04

it's tit until the asshole as far as I'm

53:06

considered with a hen. It

53:09

might be tit until the asshole, but I'm

53:11

pretty sure that if a hen was

53:13

able to operate

53:15

a Tupperware

53:17

tub. But I didn't have a Tupperware

53:19

tub in Edinburgh. I'm not going to buy one for 25 days of

53:22

egg transport. That would be a really

53:24

good deal because they're pretty cheap Tupperware tubs.

53:27

Didn't do it.

53:27

Didn't do it.

53:30

I think about chickens with tits now. You

53:32

know, Cucky and Robin Hood, she's got big

53:34

breasts, doesn't she? I can't remember. She plays

53:37

badminton with made marion. She's got

53:39

big, big, big knockers and the shark cock goes in

53:41

between them. Okay.

53:43

But then I would, some days I wouldn't

53:45

have boiled the egg at home. So I'd be like,

53:47

Oh, go into like, you know, like Sainsbury's and Tesco

53:50

will do this little like

53:51

protein pots with like two eggs in it or

53:53

three eggs boiled. Yeah. Yeah.

53:55

They are correct. I didn't have some from yesterday.

53:57

Yes. You get the egg and then you.

53:58

you put it in,

54:00

but then I would leave the like pot of three

54:03

eggs for the next two eggs at the venue.

54:05

Oh my God, Helen in the bunkers, you

54:07

know, the bunker bars and Edinburgh. Yeah. Really

54:09

warm. Yeah. A lot of mold

54:12

on the ceilings and stuff. I think. Yeah. Oh really?

54:14

I never looked up. So you would, it's very small and

54:16

damp, isn't it? And then I put it in my bra the next

54:18

day and then eat that one. And then

54:20

some days they wouldn't have the protein pots cause there's like

54:23

Edinburgh, lots of kids. They want their protein

54:25

and I respect it. So then I'd

54:27

be peeling a Scotch egg from Lidl. Yeah.

54:30

Real low point actually, when your audience are queuing

54:33

up and you're there peeling a Scotch egg. You're eating

54:35

the meat. Is your peeling it? I

54:37

sort of put the meat in the bin. There's something

54:39

about

54:40

eating just the meat around a Scotch egg, which

54:42

just feels wrong. This is where your standards come in. Well,

54:44

I don't want to get sick.

54:47

Shove the meat up your ass in case you've got an uncle. I'm

54:57

just going to throw a chicken to

54:59

the audience. Where do my tits end? Oh

55:01

man. I mean, that is definitely going to be

55:03

a routine, a future for health. Where do my

55:06

tits end? I'm going to do an hour of material

55:08

on Monday. So that'd be really useful actually. Can

55:12

we even get your dream main course? Dominoes. Dominoes.

55:14

Hold on. We need more specifics. It's

55:18

just dominoes. I mean, would

55:20

you keep it as just that's, that's your dream

55:23

main

55:23

course is just dominoes. We do need some specifics. We

55:25

need to do specifics. Stuff crust.

55:27

Right. Large stuff crust, but probably

55:29

what dominoes is when you have a large and a stuffed

55:31

crust, you lose a bit

55:34

of the size of the pizza because they're wrapping the crust

55:36

around. I still want the full length of slice.

55:38

Okay. And then the stuffed crust.

55:40

I want pineapple on it. Yeah.

55:42

Like the proper like canned, dull

55:44

pineapple. I don't want it freshly cut.

55:46

Great. Not getting fobbed off. I want

55:48

olives on it. I want jalapenos. Okay. And

55:50

then I want not Domino's ham.

55:53

I want like proper nice parmaham that

55:55

you'd have like a fancy pizza restaurant on

55:57

that. It's like my version of the Hawaiian.

55:59

a bit there. Well, you have to. Yeah.

56:02

You simply must. Do you do that at home? Do you get

56:04

a Domino's and then pimp out, pimp it out?

56:06

No, but I think it'll be better. I just haven't

56:09

done it. You don't have to have done it. And

56:11

then I want the four

56:14

tubs in one garlic and herb debt, but

56:16

I'm not going to like, I'm not going to select it when

56:18

I'm selecting my food. Cause I do that thing where you go check

56:20

out now and it goes, are you sure? And you go,

56:23

yes. And then it goes, happens if we give it

56:25

to you for ATP and you're like, I'll do it now.

56:27

Cause otherwise you're paying Yeah.

56:30

Do they do that every

56:31

time? Yeah. Yep. They are idiots.

56:33

Like the amount of things you can get on discount

56:36

later on. Um, but if I'm doing a two

56:38

for Tuesday, I'll get that and I'll pretend

56:41

I'm getting something from my housemate. So

56:43

I'll pretend I'm getting him like a nice Miami

56:45

or something, but then I'll eat it as well.

56:49

Yeah.

56:50

Why do you pretend? Because

56:52

I would say in

56:54

a very positive way, you

56:56

have a personality that is like, I don't give a shit

56:59

what you think.

56:59

But you feel sicky and I can't

57:02

stop. Like I need to be physically

57:04

removed from it.

57:05

Like, and it's diminishing returns, Domino's

57:07

like the first four slices are amazing. And then after

57:10

that you're punishing yourself like

57:11

physically. Yes. Cause the dough.

57:14

I just mean why are you pretending? Cause then I can trust

57:16

myself and enjoy the

57:18

first four slices more. Cause

57:21

you, cause you're not looking at all of it. I'm not looking

57:23

at all of it. You make yourself think I'm only going

57:25

to eat these. Yeah. I believe that. I

57:28

genuinely believe that some of it is

57:30

for lunch the next day. But

57:33

it's not. It's all a lie.

57:36

Like I once put some Domino's

57:38

in a bin. So I was like, Oh,

57:40

I need to stop this. Got it back

57:43

out. Cause it's just been juice. It's not

57:45

the end of the world, but I physically

57:47

can't be around it without finishing

57:49

it. It's just been juiced. It's

57:52

my bin. It's my juice. It's

57:54

my bin juice. I'm not like putting it in someone's house and someone

57:56

else's bed.

57:57

That's not the problem. Anyone's got no

57:59

one. has that problem. No one's

58:01

thinking, oh no, is that someone else's

58:04

Ben juice? We know it's your

58:06

Ben juice. Well you look like you thought it was someone else's Ben. No,

58:08

no, no, this is the face I

58:10

make when it's any Ben juice, including

58:13

your own, that you're eating on a pizza. But

58:15

what is Ben juice apart from just

58:17

like a little bit of soap? It's

58:19

like a different like, Clues that

58:21

are rotted at the bottom of your bin together.

58:23

Well I'm emptying

58:24

my bin on the regs, like it's

58:26

not rotting. Like I don't have

58:28

like, I'm not having a maggot party 24 seven am I? I

58:31

just think it's, it's all chilling out. You've just

58:33

been in hospital in Oslo with gastric

58:35

intestinal issues. Yeah. I've never

58:37

known anyone to learn less from a situation.

58:40

But that was from the egg we think. So I'm

58:42

not, I haven't put an egg in my, well I did actually

58:44

do it for another seven dates. But. Yeah.

58:47

When you went back you still did the egg bit. Yeah, but that

58:49

then I was boiling it at home

58:51

and transferring it in a lovely glass

58:54

Tupperware. Yeah. Surrounded by kitchen roll

58:56

to the Soho theater. Yeah. Smart.

58:59

Thank you. Cause we learned from our mistakes.

59:01

Yeah. So you ate the pizza out the bin. I

59:04

hate Domino's. Why would you say like

59:06

that? Why would you? That just

59:08

came out of nowhere. I feel like, do you know what I feel like now? I

59:10

feel like whenever,

59:11

and this is in past relationships, not with my current girlfriend,

59:14

but whenever I've been out in town and

59:16

we've gone past some really tough guys and

59:19

one of them said something and then my girlfriend at the time

59:21

has gone, yeah, you can go fuck yourself. Like right now

59:23

I'm getting beaten up. And I feel like that

59:25

with what Ed just did. I feel like having

59:27

a panic attack. Calm down. This isn't

59:30

between us. This is between me and Ed.

59:32

I feel like we were out in the woods and then you went, I hate Domino's

59:35

and now we're in trouble.

59:36

What the fuck were you talking about? It's nearly

59:38

as bad as Papa John's. Wow. Wow.

59:42

That was mental. That was absolutely

59:44

mental. Papa John's don't even

59:47

have the same original tomato sauce as the Bay's.

59:49

It's

59:49

just bad. It's bad fast food. It's

59:51

just- It's not bad fast food. It's not

59:53

that fast. It's 35 minutes on a Friday night. And

59:55

then you put pineapple on it as well. One selling

59:58

point. Pineapple's lovely. I like pineapple on it.

59:59

pizza. Yeah, it's really lovely. To me, that's just

1:00:02

like pissing on a shit. Like this is clearly

1:00:04

you don't know food. You don't know food.

1:00:07

Fair enough. I have a lot of respect for someone

1:00:09

putting pineapple and pizza on their dream menu. Cause I think it

1:00:11

was done it yet.

1:00:12

I always think it's nice. I'm glad it's happened.

1:00:15

Papa John's definitely the bottom lung.

1:00:17

I would put dominoes above it. There you go.

1:00:20

Just I'm struggling to think what I would

1:00:22

put. No pizza hut. It's

1:00:24

minging. And also I don't trust pizza

1:00:27

hut cause they have an option on their website

1:00:29

to remove garlic from the crust. Who's

1:00:32

picking that as

1:00:34

an option? I thank you. People with

1:00:37

IBS, people with IBS, maybe don't

1:00:39

trust them. Don't trust them. Well, you've

1:00:41

definitely got it. So do I feel

1:00:44

in Norway if you've got it self inflected

1:00:48

via eggs, telling

1:00:50

yourself that it all comes out like shit. That

1:00:53

was the problem. I

1:00:57

wasn't shitting James.

1:00:59

Nothing going in. Just like when

1:01:01

you want this chocolate factory. No

1:01:05

one goes in, no one comes out. Yeah. You had a gloop

1:01:07

stuck in YouTube. I

1:01:08

had a fucking

1:01:11

gloop stuck in my tube.

1:01:13

Like the plug gloop. You know the gloop that

1:01:16

gets the rest of the gloop.

1:01:20

This is disgusting, but no, I'll tell you it.

1:01:22

Podcast people get upset. So

1:01:25

you would put

1:01:27

pizza hut below dominoes. Yeah.

1:01:29

Ed. I'd say yeah. Papa John's bottom.

1:01:32

Yeah. Out of the big name ones. Yeah. Then

1:01:34

dominoes. Yeah.

1:01:36

Then maybe I'll go pizza up above that. Unless I'm

1:01:38

missing any pizza go go. I'm not

1:01:40

counting that as one of the big names. I didn't even know

1:01:43

they existed anymore. That's mad.

1:01:46

Pizza go go pizza hut.

1:01:49

Papa John's dominoes, but like there's

1:01:52

the stretch between Papa John's

1:01:54

and Domino's pizza hut.

1:01:55

Yeah. Pizza Hut's million.

1:01:57

I don't trust it. It's really bad. Papa

1:02:00

John's is like gross. I

1:02:03

just- It's like the grossest. That dip at

1:02:05

Papa John's like melted margarine or something

1:02:07

is horrible. That is the special garlic sauce.

1:02:09

Look at who you're talking to. Look at who you're talking to. It is, no,

1:02:12

I'm actually with you. Oh, you like it. That is

1:02:14

minging, it's minging

1:02:15

the special, yeah. Because you go into

1:02:17

it thinking, oh, this will be like the garlic and herb dip. They

1:02:19

trick you. But it's nothing like

1:02:21

that. No. It's madness.

1:02:24

Tell you what I like doing, putting a bit of Sriracha

1:02:26

in the garlic and herb dip from Domino's. Little

1:02:29

spicy twist on a classic. You know what I mean?

1:02:31

Little

1:02:31

bit of a treat. She's international. I

1:02:34

just think I'm not a fan of like, like

1:02:36

very, very sweet American pizza.

1:02:39

Do you know what I mean? It's not sweet. There's

1:02:42

so much sugar in that dough. Don't think

1:02:45

so. There's so much sugar in that dough. Oh, is there

1:02:47

actually a lot of sugar in it? Yeah. That'd be

1:02:49

why I go mad after it. My house.

1:02:52

My housemate doesn't like it when I have Domino's. Yeah,

1:02:54

they just hit that lock on the door. I think that's

1:02:56

very little he does like. This guy

1:02:58

about his life. I want an absolute rampage

1:03:00

just running up and down. I'm scooting

1:03:02

around in my bum like a dog. Like, I don't know

1:03:05

what I'm doing. Like really.

1:03:07

How did you even have the nerve to say there wasn't sugar in it earlier?

1:03:10

Well, it's the same reaction

1:03:12

I have when I have prawn cocktail crisps. Yeah.

1:03:14

Like just mad. Like people blow

1:03:16

up. I went, yeah, what?

1:03:19

Like just so overexcited. Like I

1:03:21

want to touch everything. Like

1:03:23

I don't know what to do with myself. Everything's just like

1:03:26

just color. Yeah. Why

1:03:29

do you both look shorter? No.

1:03:33

So

1:03:41

what's your dream side? Fatouche. Oh,

1:03:43

nice. I love Fatouche. You need like

1:03:45

a salad thing to go with it. Yeah. To

1:03:47

cut through it. Don't you? And I was like either

1:03:50

Thai cucumber salad because that is magical.

1:03:53

I had one recently with like a real big chunky bit

1:03:55

of salt in it and it just put me off. But Fatouche

1:03:58

is so fresh. I love it.

1:03:59

Just a quick check for two. She's the one that's got bread in it, right?

1:04:02

Yeah. Okay. Just keeping a bread. I'm

1:04:05

keeping a bread tally.

1:04:06

But it's not because of the

1:04:08

bits of fried bread that chopped up in it.

1:04:10

Sure, for two is delicious. For two is delicious.

1:04:13

That's so good. I'm keeping a bread

1:04:16

tally. There's not been a single course about bread

1:04:18

yet. Well, sparkling water doesn't have

1:04:20

bread in it. Oh, congratulations. Oh, it's full of

1:04:22

sugar and bread as well. Look,

1:04:25

I love for two salad. Yeah, it's

1:04:27

so fresh. Herbie, fresh,

1:04:30

you get the crunch from the bread. A bit of

1:04:32

pomegranate seeds on it, a little bit of a treat. Yeah,

1:04:34

this is a bit of a sticking point in this podcast,

1:04:37

the pomegranate seeds. Oh, you hate

1:04:39

pomegranate seeds? They're like, they're like, well,

1:04:41

Ed refers to them as baby's teeth. They taste like you're

1:04:43

crunching big little baby's teeth in your mouth. It's a little

1:04:46

bit of tangy fun. Bit of tangy fun. It's

1:04:48

not tangy. It's not enough flavor in there

1:04:50

for me. You're mad.

1:04:53

No, that was like, and you put lemon on top of it and like

1:04:55

the parsley and the mint, like

1:04:57

so good. I used to live in like, it's like, it's like

1:04:59

a little Istanbul, like area of Berlin, but there's so

1:05:01

many

1:05:01

Lebanese restaurants with like the best fatouche.

1:05:04

And they just pile it up in this like

1:05:06

takeaway container and I would just lose my mind.

1:05:09

The Lebanese and Turkish

1:05:11

food in Berlin is like insanely

1:05:14

good, isn't it? Next level, the amount of Syrian restaurants

1:05:16

as well. And I was in like an

1:05:18

area called Kreuzberg and like Neukern

1:05:21

where like all of that food is. Oh my God.

1:05:23

I was having a kebab at night for a while. Losing

1:05:26

my mind. My sister lived in Kreuzberg

1:05:28

for a bit. No way. Whenever I go and visit, it's

1:05:30

just,

1:05:31

oh, kebabs all day. So

1:05:33

good. What's your favorite kebab there? Like what's your go-to

1:05:36

order? I think it's like a chicken, just like a

1:05:38

chicken shawarma and then

1:05:40

stick a bit of halloumi in there as well. Stop it. Yeah,

1:05:43

the ones with the deep fried halloumi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you

1:05:45

get all the different sauces? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah,

1:05:47

yeah. Pile it up. Big old pickled. Pickled

1:05:50

chili in there and all that. Love

1:05:53

it. Love it. I can't handle it. I

1:05:55

get the durum dinner wraps. The

1:05:57

ones that are like in the massive like tortilla or

1:05:59

in the, what's the call?

1:05:59

Oh, the Lakoman, the Turkish pizza, is that how

1:06:02

you pronounce it? Okay. And that, oh.

1:06:04

Oh. It's the way it melts in your

1:06:06

mouth. It's insane. Imagine

1:06:09

if you pick that. No, but it's not a Domino's.

1:06:11

I thought about that. It's not a Domino's. No, it's not.

1:06:14

No, it's absolutely not. Put a Domino's inside

1:06:16

of a kebab though. Let's have a chat. Yeah,

1:06:19

but the way you talked about Domino's, there

1:06:21

was a lot of words you talked about regret. When you talked about

1:06:23

the kebab just then, I mean, the listeners didn't say it, they

1:06:26

heard it. But at one point, I think you

1:06:28

genuinely pretended that someone was shagging you. Well,

1:06:31

it wasn't someone. I was fucking the chair

1:06:34

actually. Okay, yeah. I know what you meant. Just

1:06:36

making sure. But yeah, it just seemed like you were more

1:06:38

excited about the-

1:06:39

Yeah, but do you want me to explain what happened? Cause

1:06:41

I was thinking about this menu last night. And

1:06:44

I can't think about Domino's and not

1:06:46

order Domino's. So I'm currently on a

1:06:48

Domino's downfall. Did you order Domino's last

1:06:50

night? Yeah, I had it last night. And for breakfast. Why

1:06:52

have you got your phone out? Yeah. Do you want

1:06:54

to get that Pokemon? Oh

1:06:57

my God. Are you serious? I'm doing it now. I

1:07:00

thought we were going to wait for after. We got so far through the podcast without

1:07:02

talking about Pokemon Go. Oh, Helen, Helen,

1:07:04

that's the last American one that I got for

1:07:06

her. I'm so excited. Got the talk hole. Do

1:07:10

you want anything special from me? I don't know.

1:07:12

I don't have anything good to give you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm

1:07:14

fine. Oh my God. So opening a gift from

1:07:16

Bauer. Well, she sent me an Ultra

1:07:18

ball. You're welcome. Two pineapple berries.

1:07:21

Peanut. And a Max potion. You're welcome.

1:07:23

Much appreciated. Does he not send you any stardust?

1:07:26

In Victini's, you're a buddy at the minute. Oh

1:07:28

yeah. to be like my best

1:07:30

buddy with CP boost. So I'm onto like 70

1:07:32

at the moment. I do want to get to the 400 because

1:07:34

then you get the extra like tokens. See, Bauer is more

1:07:37

driven by CP whereas I'm more driven

1:07:39

by a Dex. That's combat power between you

1:07:41

and me.

1:07:42

Yeah. You put me and James

1:07:44

in a fight. There you go. I will

1:07:46

be winning. Oh my God. It's happening. The

1:07:48

balls are trading now. God bless you. God

1:07:50

bless you. I've got a new Pokemon guys. Are

1:07:52

you happy for me? Why? Why are

1:07:54

you so upset? A new Dex entry. Why are you so upset?

1:07:57

No in the Dex. You know that whenever I'm abroad, I'm

1:07:59

going to be catching region.

1:07:59

for you so don't you worry about not

1:08:02

traveling because I'm catching those regions. But I'm going Disney

1:08:04

World so I can get more. Or

1:08:06

the Disney ones I caught when I was in Disney World for

1:08:08

you. But don't you believe the new year might bring us new Pokemon

1:08:11

from the Aloha region? I live with hope. I

1:08:13

live with loads of hope for the Aloha region. I'm

1:08:15

not even close to doing it. Yeah.

1:08:17

Not even close and I'm not going to like you

1:08:19

know South America. I'm going Florida. Well

1:08:22

I was only getting started with the Aloha and I think that's

1:08:24

no secret. But

1:08:24

like there's always something magical on it like do you remember

1:08:26

when we found out the Clefky you could get in Brighton because it was a fault

1:08:29

that made it think you were in France. Yeah very good day.

1:08:31

Like that could happen at any point with anywhere

1:08:33

in the country. We've just got to be prepared to travel. Ed what are

1:08:35

you doing?

1:08:36

Don't start vaping.

1:08:38

Either join in. Hang on. Let's

1:08:40

give Benito an edit point. There you

1:08:42

go. Right. Side dish. Fatouche.

1:08:46

Let's talk more about the Fatouche. I will find the name

1:08:48

of the restaurant. My best friend in

1:08:50

Berlin is from Lebanon and

1:08:52

there is an amazing place that does Fatouche and I'll

1:08:54

get it for you if you go to Crikey's bag. Fantastic.

1:08:56

Don't use that. Don't use that edit point, Benito.

1:08:58

Sorry. I feel like I've become

1:09:01

a virgin by proxy after that conversation.

1:09:04

That was absolutely insane. We both had sex.

1:09:06

I fucked up with the six times. No

1:09:08

not with each other. Oh no. Pokemon training.

1:09:12

That's what Pokemon trading is. Yeah. But I'm

1:09:15

a very good trainer. I'm a legacy player.

1:09:18

Like I'm I don't know what any of

1:09:20

this means.

1:09:20

But like I do play Pokemon

1:09:22

go with James and the crew but I've also

1:09:24

got over 200 friends on it. They're not

1:09:27

friends.

1:09:27

They're not friends. Helen. I'm

1:09:29

getting up at three most mornings to raid with some teenagers

1:09:32

in Hiroshima. How are they not friends? I'm setting my alarm

1:09:34

for 3 a.m. That's creepy as hell. It's

1:09:36

not. You're getting

1:09:37

up at three to groom some teenagers in Japan.

1:09:39

Not grooming them. We're raiding. We're battling to the

1:09:41

death. Yeah. Friends are whoever

1:09:43

I choose them to be. Who you choose. That's

1:09:45

very that's a real insight into your

1:09:47

life. Helen. They're who you choose them to be. Yeah.

1:09:50

So we're best friends. The three of us. Yes.

1:09:53

Yeah.

1:09:59

A dream drink. Dream drink.

1:10:02

I do want to go with something alcoholic, but because

1:10:04

of the dominoes, I'm going to go Diet Coke. It's

1:10:07

a classic. Fair enough. And when you drink

1:10:09

it, you lose weight? No booze, not booze for the dream

1:10:11

drink. I do. I love booze. And like my

1:10:13

instinct is to go for like a bottle of wine and like a couple

1:10:15

of fags with it. Like that would be like my ideal

1:10:18

sort of like, oh, stop

1:10:20

it. Finishing a meal and then having a bottle

1:10:22

of wine and like four fags and a good conversation.

1:10:27

But I need to cut through the grease

1:10:29

somehow. With a nice

1:10:31

clean diet. Well,

1:10:34

fizzy drinks cut through. I know exactly what you

1:10:36

mean. They really do. Yeah. So I can't

1:10:39

put a milkshake on top of that. Burps. Burps

1:10:42

help clear room. Yeah. Yeah. Like when I was at university,

1:10:44

me and my friend,

1:10:45

there's a takeaway down the

1:10:47

road from us that did a 18 inch pizza. And

1:10:49

one night we both got an 18 inch pizza and

1:10:51

then we went through about four kinds of diet coke just to clear.

1:10:54

Do you know what? I mean, I've probably mentioned this on the podcast.

1:10:56

I had pepperoni on my 18 incher.

1:10:58

Okay. Guess

1:11:01

what? He only had one topping.

1:11:03

Obviously had cheese and tomato. Yeah. The only one topping

1:11:05

on his pizza. Guess what it was?

1:11:07

Pineapple. No ham. No olives.

1:11:09

No sausage. No, you're never going to get an 18

1:11:11

inch pizza. Baked beans. Come

1:11:14

on. That's mad. Yeah. Was

1:11:16

that your wedding? Do you want to meet him? No, no, no. He,

1:11:18

we were best friends at university. And

1:11:20

when we graduated, he said, I'm not very good at keeping in touch.

1:11:22

I went fair enough. And that's the last day I saw him. No.

1:11:26

He

1:11:28

knew at the age.

1:11:30

He knew. He was like, you know, I'm not going to

1:11:32

be able to keep this going. Yeah. Yeah. Feels

1:11:34

like like a 50 year old son. Yeah.

1:11:36

Like not a child. Yeah. Yeah.

1:11:39

Yeah. 50 year old energy. Let's do the ranking as we always

1:11:41

do. And people say diet coke. So diet

1:11:44

coke, Coke zero diet, Pepsi, Pepsi

1:11:46

max. Oh my God. Diet coke

1:11:48

at the top from the fountain,

1:11:51

obviously. Okay. Then can

1:11:52

then bottle last. Yeah. I'd

1:11:55

say then fountain

1:11:57

first fountain first. Well,

1:12:00

it depends where the fountain is from, but a good fountain,

1:12:03

I would take over a can or a bottle. Always

1:12:06

a seem good fountain, never a seem bad. Yeah.

1:12:09

Yeah. But if someone said to me, if someone

1:12:11

said to me, there's a fountain there, a can

1:12:13

and a bottle, and that's all I knew. Yeah. I

1:12:16

would go can because

1:12:16

I wouldn't trust that the fountain

1:12:19

is definitely going to be good. If they said this is a good fountain.

1:12:21

It's a good fountain. Good fountain, can or bottle. I

1:12:23

go for a good fountain. I'd go can still. Really?

1:12:26

Yeah.

1:12:27

I'm a G-style machine, but then I'm not having

1:12:29

Diet Coke. I'm mixing it all up. Those machines

1:12:31

are mental. They're brilliant, aren't they? It's

1:12:33

too much. It's the problem with society

1:12:35

today. Oh, do you think too much choice?

1:12:38

I can't be faced with that because then I'll

1:12:40

just start losing it. And that's how you end up picking

1:12:42

Domino's as your main course. It's overwhelmed

1:12:44

by the options of the world. Like

1:12:47

I need to be restricted.

1:12:49

But then probably Diet Pepsi,

1:12:51

then Coke Zero. I don't like the full

1:12:53

fat fizzy drinks. Well,

1:12:55

Pepsi Max isn't full fat. It feels like

1:12:58

it in my head. Like, I don't

1:13:00

know. I just didn't grow up with fizzy drinks at all. We

1:13:02

never had it. And we had skimmed milk in our house.

1:13:04

We were like, everything was watered. So

1:13:06

like, I just, the idea of it makes me

1:13:08

feel like just so unhealthy. Maybe the word

1:13:11

max makes you think it's going to be. I'd rather have the facts and

1:13:13

the wine. I just don't think I want that many

1:13:15

bubbles. With that sugar in it. No, thank you. Well,

1:13:18

I think we could let you have a Diet Coke

1:13:20

and then some booze as well, right? Can

1:13:22

I? Yeah. You want a bottle of wine?

1:13:24

Yeah, Diet Coke and a bottle of wine. And at the end of the meal, you said

1:13:26

with some facts.

1:13:27

I think I do want to be a bit drunk the entire

1:13:29

meal. I'll be like, give me a bottle before

1:13:32

the win. I'll have a bottle of wine to start with. And

1:13:34

then I'll eat. Yeah. Because

1:13:36

I'll be loose enough that everything feels like any particular wine.

1:13:39

Spanish red, like a Riocca. Nice. One

1:13:41

of those really lovely. Yeah. And

1:13:44

like fags wise, golden Virginia. You're

1:13:47

doing rollies. Yeah, I'm doing rollies.

1:13:49

Yeah. Yeah. I

1:13:51

want someone to roll for them for me next to me. Who do you

1:13:53

want to roll?

1:13:53

My friend,

1:13:55

Francis. Yeah. Francis rolls

1:13:58

really well. We'll get Francis into roll. Thank

1:14:00

you, Francis. A little update on

1:14:02

my diet coke situation.

1:14:05

Oh, I know their stories. Well,

1:14:07

it's a good story, but

1:14:10

also just like, you know,

1:14:12

for a while it was just diet coke. And

1:14:14

then I switched to the diet Pepsi's

1:14:16

and that was a big thing on the pod. And then I

1:14:18

also switched then to coke zero.

1:14:21

Nowadays, I can change from one

1:14:23

hour to the next, which one's my favorite. And

1:14:25

a lot of the time, if I've just had a diet coke, for example,

1:14:28

the next time I'll actually want like something

1:14:30

different, like a diet Pepsi. And then the next time after that,

1:14:33

I'll probably want to coke zero. So I like to change it up quite

1:14:35

a lot now. Pepsi max as well gets a look

1:14:37

in failures on regular rotations. So it's

1:14:39

now all four of

1:14:41

them just,

1:14:42

I'm just noticing my drinking habits, you

1:14:44

know, it's good thing to do. You got to keep a tab

1:14:46

on these things. Yeah. I'm Pepsi max with Jerry until

1:14:48

I die. Yeah. I like, I like that. No, I love it. Dessert

1:14:50

dessert. Here we are.

1:14:55

He

1:15:00

doesn't have to worry about cheese boards

1:15:02

in this situation. I think. Oh, you don't

1:15:04

have to worry. Yeah. I don't actually get cheese boards full

1:15:06

stop. Like cheddar cheese exists.

1:15:09

Leave it. Who are we showing

1:15:11

off to? Who are we showing off to? Moldy goat

1:15:14

cheese is rank. Leave the goats alone and

1:15:16

I'll stand by that to the day I die. Yeah. Like,

1:15:18

yeah.

1:15:18

So you think Stilton moldy horrible.

1:15:21

Don't get it. But you eat pizza out of a bin. Yeah.

1:15:24

That's my juice. Not my mold. It's

1:15:26

different. Right. If I grew, I eat

1:15:29

it. I'm not gonna be a bitch about it. Am

1:15:31

I? Like, this is my mold. I eat my mold. I created

1:15:34

it. Probably your

1:15:36

own tip mold in Edinburgh. What's

1:15:39

tip mold? You should know you got it. The

1:15:41

worst

1:15:46

thing is my first instinct is I should really

1:15:48

look under my tits at some point. I don't

1:15:52

know what's going on under there. Yeah. Who's checking?

1:15:54

Who's checking? He should be washing that stuff. Yeah.

1:15:56

He's got the energy to lift.

1:15:59

I've got

1:16:02

like three performances in the shower. You

1:16:04

must be washing under there. Well, I did the three

1:16:06

F's. What are the three F's? Face, fanny and feet.

1:16:09

But you know, there must be other letters

1:16:11

in between that you need to deal with. In that order? No.

1:16:14

You don't go to the feet after the face. Face, feet, fanny. Is

1:16:17

that wrong? Yeah, take the feet off. Yeah, face,

1:16:20

face, feet, fanny seems like the right way round. You

1:16:22

don't want vaginal feet, but you don't mind having

1:16:25

a footy vag. I

1:16:28

would say face,

1:16:31

fanny, feet is the way about you should do it.

1:16:33

Actually, because, yeah. Yeah. Well, those are the spots

1:16:35

you have to hit. Yeah. And in

1:16:37

Fanny, I am including asshole. Like

1:16:40

I'm not. Oh, I'm not like you're

1:16:42

going to get that. You can't.

1:16:44

You ask Fanny. What's the US?

1:16:46

Well, that's what I call it. Oh, really?

1:16:49

The Fanny pack. I thought it was over that Fanny

1:16:51

because you wear it at the front. No,

1:16:53

they say funny because we have a bum bag, right?

1:16:56

Yeah. So it's funny. Pack. So it's

1:16:58

the same as a bum bag. Fanny is the fascinating.

1:17:00

They don't call it a funny pack because they're using it to cover

1:17:03

their funny. Oh, I thought it

1:17:05

was like, oh, like they're on the period.

1:17:07

Turn it to the front. It's like no one can see what

1:17:09

you like a period

1:17:11

stain. And that's how it sort of came about. And then everyone

1:17:13

was like, oh, this is a great idea for a bag. Helen, anyone

1:17:16

else I would think was joking about this? No, but do

1:17:18

you want to be like, no, it's like, well, yeah, I know

1:17:20

what you mean. But like, what, how do you think

1:17:22

that's that's the truth? Well,

1:17:24

you never know, do you? You never know the origin

1:17:26

of things. So what about when you see a man wearing a bum

1:17:28

bag? That he just copied it off a woman. So you

1:17:30

thought it looked nice. And then it just sort of became

1:17:32

something that we all do.

1:17:34

Heidi Regan's calling. I bet she'd back me up.

1:17:36

I'm not going to watch it, but just so you know, like someone else. Answer

1:17:39

it. Ask her. But ask her that question immediately.

1:17:42

Heidi. Yeah. I'm on a

1:17:44

podcast. You say hi to Ed and James. Yes.

1:17:47

Hello. Hi, Heidi. Hi.

1:17:51

And so it's. Wait, do you mean you're on

1:17:53

a menu? Yeah, but we're in a fight. So

1:17:57

basically,

1:17:57

are you surprised to hear that, Heidi?

1:18:00

a fight. Are you surprised that I'm in a fight? No,

1:18:02

not in any way possible. Well, that was bitchy

1:18:06

babe. I'm not surprised that you answered your phone.

1:18:08

I asked

1:18:09

the question. No, I want to

1:18:12

ask you something about Fanny packs.

1:18:15

Oh yeah. Okay. So how

1:18:17

do you think the Fanny pack came into existence?

1:18:20

Do you think a it's

1:18:22

cause Americans call bums Fanny's

1:18:25

or do you think B it's cause someone

1:18:28

bled through their outfit and

1:18:30

they were on their period and they were like, Oh

1:18:32

my God, put this pack over it. We'll

1:18:34

call it a Fanny pack. We'll make it a fashion statement. So they

1:18:36

wouldn't feel embarrassed. Bonus question.

1:18:38

Heidi, guess who came up with each. What

1:18:42

babe? Oh, I think I would

1:18:44

have called that a period pack then.

1:18:47

Yeah. Okay. I'm going to hang up. I'll call you

1:18:49

later. Bye. Hang

1:18:51

up. Yeah. Love that. Heidi completely used

1:18:53

to it. Did you just like complete

1:18:56

of course. Yeah. Of course you picked up a phone during a podcast.

1:18:58

Of course you having a full on chat. Is that a chat to Heidi?

1:19:00

Just say you deserve no.

1:19:05

So can I please

1:19:07

have, I want a warm

1:19:09

muffin. How are

1:19:11

you warming up? Microwave. Oh no,

1:19:14

vegetable, the oven don't give away the end of your next show.

1:19:19

What type of muffin, chalky chip. Yeah.

1:19:21

Yeah.

1:19:21

Chalky chippy muffin. And I want that

1:19:23

warm. And then I want ice cream

1:19:25

in there, but I want like proper nice gelato

1:19:28

from somewhere in Croatia. I went

1:19:30

called split and it's opposite a shop

1:19:32

called Ruth's. I actually screenshotted the

1:19:35

name of this place cause it is so delicious.

1:19:37

And you know, when you're like, Oh,

1:19:38

I found the most delicious ice cream in the world and me

1:19:40

and my friend Francis went there like three times and

1:19:43

then Stanley Tucci went there in his

1:19:45

like traveling Italy show and I was like, I knew I was fucking

1:19:48

right. It's called Sla Dolay

1:19:50

Danica and Miliana. And it

1:19:52

is insane. And

1:19:55

I want the pistachio ice cream and hazelnut

1:19:57

ice cream. And I want that on top of the muffin.

1:19:59

And I want to leave it for a bit and have it melted in.

1:20:02

And then I want to crush up Maltesers bunny

1:20:04

on top. This

1:20:07

is your invention. Yes,

1:20:09

but it's based off what

1:20:11

was a BB muffin staple.

1:20:14

Remember BB muffins, that chain? Yeah, I do

1:20:16

remember BB muffins. And they would do muffins.

1:20:18

But then you could have a muffin sundae, and they'd use

1:20:21

a takeaway cup for a milkshake. It'd smash

1:20:23

a muffin into it, put ice cream in it, and

1:20:25

then put the muffin top in it, and it would all melt down. You

1:20:27

have a spoon. And it was just the best

1:20:30

thing of all time. That does sound nice. It was the best

1:20:32

thing

1:20:32

you could get in my hometown. That was the treat.

1:20:34

What's the hometown again? Fleet. Fleet. South

1:20:37

of the station. Yeah, behind

1:20:39

the bug. Yeah, yeah, for service. It's not the first

1:20:41

time we've spoken about fleet services on the podcast.

1:20:44

You spoke about Fleet before. Yeah, we've talked

1:20:46

about fleet services with Andy Oliver

1:20:48

about the bridge in between the. Scott Mills Bridge.

1:20:50

Yeah, we like the bridge. Thank you very much. It's

1:20:53

called Scott Mills Bridge. Officially, of course,

1:20:55

Scott Mills Bridge. It's amazing, isn't it? But

1:20:57

that's my dream to talk about your Malteser bunny before

1:20:59

we go. Yeah, obviously talk about the Maltesers.

1:21:03

You've not chosen the little teasers you've

1:21:05

chosen. Quite specifically, a Malteser

1:21:07

bunny. It's the right ratio

1:21:09

of chocolate and balls of malt. It's

1:21:12

significantly the Malteser is

1:21:14

great, but the chocolate is lacking

1:21:16

in the average Malteser. It's just off. Whereas

1:21:19

the ratio of that, it's a whole different. Yeah,

1:21:21

it's a whole different thing. More choccy, less teas. Thank

1:21:23

you. I think I'm speaking. I'm

1:21:25

speaking like Helen now. She's absolutely done. She's

1:21:27

ground me down. She's ground me down.

1:21:30

Beep beep. You're a little frail boy.

1:21:31

I wanted choccy, muffey, ice creamy, delight.

1:21:34

Choccy, muffey, ice creamy, delight. Choccy, muffey,

1:21:36

ice creamy, delight. Ice creamy, delight. Yes, please. Well,

1:21:39

is that what it's called? Choccy, muffey. It is now. Choccy,

1:21:41

muffey. It's like an eggy titty, but for dessert.

1:21:43

La la la la. Yummy, yummy, yummy.

1:21:46

We should make you back in at the bar. Oh, I want a sponsor on the top

1:21:48

of it. I just simply thought. Sorry,

1:21:50

can I have like, can it be like, can it be like a

1:21:52

treat? Like I want it to be like, this is a dream

1:21:54

restaurant, isn't it? Yeah, you can have a sparkler.

1:21:56

Can I have like a sparkler on the top of it? And maybe a

1:21:59

song from the way. Wait, staff, please. What

1:22:01

song do you want? Candle in the Wind, 1997 version. Waiter,

1:22:05

please. Goodbye, England's roles. Hey,

1:22:07

he. Oh, Dougie, we're

1:22:10

here now, and I'm in the

1:22:12

chocolate factory. I miss

1:22:14

you. Princess Diana

1:22:18

and Marilyn Monroe, you will

1:22:20

be forever in my heart.

1:22:23

And I miss the Queen.

1:22:25

Touching. Thank you so much. So touching.

1:22:28

Major menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Thank

1:22:30

you. You would like medium sparkling

1:22:33

Groschdiner from Germany.

1:22:36

Pop-doms or bread, you would like flardonbrot

1:22:39

with melted butter. Why not? Yeah. Attaburg

1:22:41

draft pump. Starter, prawn

1:22:44

puri.

1:22:44

Main course, Domino's large

1:22:47

stuffed crust with pineapple, olives, jalapenos,

1:22:49

parmaham, not from Domino's, and

1:22:51

garlic and herb dip. Oh my gosh. Side dish,

1:22:53

fattoush. Drink, Diet Coke

1:22:55

from The Fountain. Dessert, warm

1:22:58

chocolate. Oh, sorry. You would like muffie.

1:23:01

Chocchi, chocchi, muffy, delight.

1:23:04

Tree tea. Yes. Of

1:23:07

course, we'll taste a bunny on the top of it. Warm

1:23:09

chocolate muffin with pistachio and hazelnut ice cream. Pistachio

1:23:11

and hazelnut tea. Sparkler. And

1:23:13

then at the end of all of it, a sparkler on the top,

1:23:16

at the end of all of it, you want a bottle of riocca with

1:23:18

four rolled cigarettes by your friend

1:23:20

Francis. Yes,

1:23:22

please. How good is that

1:23:24

menu? I was worried when

1:23:26

I was thinking about a 10 out

1:23:28

of 10, there'll be a lot

1:23:30

of people going, that seems like a good

1:23:32

fun girl. Here's what I'd have. Bronpuri,

1:23:35

fattoush, bottle of wine, four fags. Yeah.

1:23:38

Are you serious? That's not bad. That's not

1:23:40

bad. What's wrong with the dessert? That's adorable. Yeah, the dessert.

1:23:43

Yeah, the dessert is pretty nice. Honestly, lads,

1:23:45

I've absolutely smashed that.

1:23:48

I don't want to be like, like, oh my God, I'm amazing. But

1:23:50

like, well done, mate. It's been a pleasure having

1:23:52

you on. Benito also

1:23:55

looks like he's been in the trenches after that. Oh,

1:23:57

Benito is absolutely fucking out.

1:23:59

You got me.

1:23:59

I genuinely jumped

1:24:02

there. That's revenge. You actually

1:24:06

made me jump on the podcast. Helen, thank

1:24:08

you so much for coming to the dream restaurant. Thank

1:24:10

you so much for having me.

1:24:17

Well there we are. Helen Bower.

1:24:20

Wole mama. Wole mama.

1:24:22

That's what you want from an interview with

1:24:24

Helen Bower to be absolutely battered

1:24:27

into oblivion. If you don't know Helen Bower

1:24:29

by the end of that episode, you will never know her. So

1:24:33

everything she says has about

1:24:34

five things that I want to follow up on. Yeah,

1:24:37

but we can't. We can't. We didn't chase all of those

1:24:39

leads. It's impossible to. It's impossible.

1:24:42

We had to talk about what Helen wants to talk about. And Joe, I

1:24:44

was happy to. I wanted to delve more into

1:24:46

the past lives thing. Sure. There

1:24:49

was that. I mean, there was a great number

1:24:51

of things. I still don't fully understand why

1:24:53

there was an egg in her breasts. I think it's something

1:24:55

in her show. She probably is probably a callback at

1:24:57

the end of the show. We don't know. We don't

1:25:00

know. Really. We know it was in her show. We don't know why.

1:25:02

But we only found out it was in a show after some pretty

1:25:04

heavy questions. Yeah. We had to drill down to that. Yeah.

1:25:07

The first place.

1:25:07

And we talked about Pokemon, but

1:25:10

which is kind of quite cheeky of me really to bring up

1:25:12

Pokemon go because that could have made her

1:25:14

think, oh, actually, I'd love to eat a golden raspberry

1:25:16

one day. Yeah. But she didn't say golden. No,

1:25:19

but pine up berries were mentioned. They were

1:25:22

in the gift bundle that she'd sent me. Yeah.

1:25:24

I don't know if that will make the edit because

1:25:27

whatever you heard, listeners, the conversation

1:25:29

about Pokemon go was

1:25:31

very long. No, that was it was

1:25:33

cool. I think and I think that a lot of people will enjoy

1:25:36

hearing. Well, I was staying silent because

1:25:38

I was like, I'll pick my moment and then I'm going to say

1:25:40

something funny. And then it went on so long that there was

1:25:42

absolutely no moment for me to say that.

1:25:44

Well, I don't think it's our fault that

1:25:47

you were unable to find a moment to

1:25:49

be funny in it. I mean, or the bonito

1:25:51

zone down, you know, that sounds like both of you

1:25:53

not doing your jobs. We were doing our jobs

1:25:55

very well as Pokemon trainers. Well, no,

1:25:57

you weren't doing your job well because this is a.

1:25:59

comedy food podcast. And what you were saying

1:26:02

was not about food and not funny. I'm spending

1:26:04

a lot of plates. So,

1:26:07

you know, I'll wear a lot of hats. And

1:26:09

at that point I was wearing two hats. Yeah. But

1:26:11

yeah, I mean, she didn't say golden raspberry. That's the main thing.

1:26:14

She didn't say golden raspberry. No,

1:26:16

you can listen to Helen's podcast, trusty hogs.

1:26:18

You should listen to Helen's podcast, trusty hogs. And

1:26:21

also go and see Helen do any live

1:26:23

gig. If it's, if she's on a mixed bill,

1:26:25

do it on her own solo show. You got to go and

1:26:27

see Helen Bauer. Check out her website.

1:26:29

Look at her on social media, follow her on

1:26:31

social.

1:26:32

Well, look her up on social media, follow her

1:26:35

on social media. Yeah. But look at her. I

1:26:37

guess that's what Instagram is, isn't it? Yeah.

1:26:39

No one's stopping you from doing that. I guess on Instagram. Yeah.

1:26:41

It's not against the rules. Also,

1:26:43

there was some absolutely disgusting stuff on that episode.

1:26:45

So I'd be interested to hear what Benito leaves in. Yeah.

1:26:48

It's going to be quite interesting. If you'll get into this

1:26:50

bit now and you're thinking there wasn't anything disgusting, then

1:26:53

you know that he cut it all out. Yeah. Because sometimes

1:26:55

I looked over at Benito during that and he looked absolutely

1:26:58

gutted. Yeah. Yeah. He was

1:27:00

unhappy. Looked like he was going to cry. Yeah.

1:27:03

But thank you very much to Helen for coming on. I

1:27:05

absolutely loved that episode. Yes. Thank you,

1:27:07

Helen. Absolutely loved that episode.

1:27:09

And we will see you listeners next

1:27:11

week. See you later. We won't see

1:27:13

you unless I look you up on social media. We're

1:27:16

not going to see you.

1:27:17

You'll hear us. We won't hear you.

1:27:19

No, that would be what an awful way of doing a

1:27:21

podcast. That would be.