0:00

Hello, it's Ed and James from off-menu here. Well,

0:02

I hate to do this, but Nish Kumar's got a new stand-up

0:05

special coming out James Yeah, listen, he's

0:07

our friend. Yeah, so even if this was

0:09

awful, we'd have to plug it. Yeah, here's

0:11

the problem He sent it to me.

0:13

He asked me. Oh, can you watch it? Just give me any notes

0:15

on the edit Just you know, that'd be really helpful.

0:18

He knew it was already perfect He sent it to me

0:20

to make me feel inadequate and it worked because the

0:22

whole show was immaculate

0:24

I'm very annoyed that he did that

0:26

to me But I'm very excited for the

0:28

public to see this special Well, he didn't ask me for

0:31

notes because he doesn't value my opinion. So I'm happy to say

0:33

it's probably quite bad Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he didn't

0:35

ask well you and Nish You've known each other for longer

0:37

than I've known either of you and so he

0:39

already knows that is in your head Also,

0:42

I was there when it was recorded you watched it. Yeah,

0:44

it's really good. So we knew that it already got ya Yeah, yeah

0:46

This is what you get if you ask us to plug your special

0:49

Nish your power your control is on Sky Comedy

0:51

on Demand from August 25th. Fuck you

0:53

Nish

0:57

You Welcome

1:09

to the off-menu podcast taking

1:11

the gnocchi of conversation throwing

1:13

it into the boiling water of the Internet and Waiting

1:16

for it to bubble up to the top to serve

1:18

up a nice bowl of podcast

1:20

gnocchi.

1:21

That's it gamble My name is James Acaster. We own a dream

1:24

restaurant And then sorry I had

1:26

to swallow there great that's all staying.

1:28

Yep I mean every week we invited

1:30

a guest and we asked for their favorite ever start a manacles

1:32

dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this

1:34

week our guest is Paul foot

1:37

Paul for a wonderful comedian one of my

1:39

one of my favorite comedians. Yeah You

1:42

know, I think it fair to say that our entire

1:44

generation of comics inspired by Paul

1:46

foot in some way to some degree Absolutely

1:49

hilarious totally unique Yeah,

1:51

always to the beat of his own drum to

1:53

the beat of his own drum not just on stage

1:56

offstage as well Yeah, it's not an act. No,

1:58

it's not an act. So very excited to speak to

1:59

Paul Foote because I genuinely don't know what he's going to say.

2:02

But I know he likes cooking and I know he enjoys food. I

2:04

do know that before I even became a stand-up comedian,

2:07

I'd watch Paul's YouTube channel. Yes. And

2:09

every now and again, he would do a little cook along. Yeah.

2:11

And where he would show you how to cook a fish pie and

2:13

stuff like that. Oh, brilliant. I remember the

2:15

fish pie, especially. This is going to be so much

2:17

fun. Paul has had an amazing

2:20

career as a stand-up comic. And

2:22

we've got we've got a lot of questions for him. Also,

2:24

you can see Paul's new tour dissolve.

2:27

Get tickets at PaulFoote.TV

2:29

and see all the

2:29

different places where he's coming to a town

2:32

near you. I'm sure. Also,

2:35

and we hate to do this, but every single

2:37

week there is a secret ingredient. The guest says it.

2:39

They get kicked out on their ass because we've

2:41

deemed it unacceptable. And this week, the secret

2:44

ingredient is a

2:45

moist cake. Moist cake.

2:47

Moist cake. Now this refers to

2:49

one of Paul's signature stand-up comedy

2:52

routines. A secret routine about

2:54

how if you get given a slice of homemade cake,

2:56

you have to comment

2:58

on how moist it is to the person who's made

3:00

it. I once saw him do this

3:02

routine to a room full of people who were

3:04

loving it, really laughing. There's one guy in the front who

3:06

wasn't. And Paul,

3:09

Paul said to him, like, you're not enjoying

3:11

my comedy.

3:12

And the man was like, no, it's not for me.

3:14

And then Paul offered him a slice of an invisible

3:17

moist cake and said, would you come on,

3:19

just bite this and join us all? And the man was

3:21

like, and he was like, just have

3:23

a bite of the moist cake. And it was a standoff for about

3:26

five minutes. And eventually the man went,

3:28

I mimed it,

3:30

eating the moist cake and everyone cheered and went crazy

3:33

for it.

3:34

Fantastic. That's what, that's the sort

3:36

of thing you get at a Paul Foote show. Paul

3:38

did a lot of mimes for

3:40

a while. He invented a new form of mime where

3:42

he spoke during it, which

3:45

I have very, very fun memories of when he was being

3:47

penny. No, I think that was post penny.

3:50

The other routine of Paul's to look up is weirdly,

3:52

he did that show last comic standing in the U S

3:54

and did very well on it. And he did moist

3:57

cake on that. I think, and shy horses is the

3:59

other big routine. that you definitely need to look

4:01

up. But anyway, you can tell we're

4:03

absolutely giddy fans. So

4:06

let's get Paul onto the podcast now. This is

4:08

the off menu menu of Paul Foote.

4:10

Paul Foote. Paul Foote.

4:18

Welcome Paul to the dream restaurant. Oh,

4:20

thanks Ed. Welcome

4:22

Paul Foote to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for

4:24

some time. Oh, hi James. That's

4:27

funny, you were appearing there like that. Oh,

4:30

hi. That's

4:33

funny. You just appeared out of nowhere.

4:35

Yeah, I did, didn't I? You didn't appear out of

4:37

nowhere. No, I've been here all the time. No, you came from behind

4:40

a door. You've been hiding behind a

4:42

door. Yes. It was a bit weird when

4:44

you appeared, a bit frightening in

4:46

a horrible way. In

4:48

just a horrible sort of stalker-y

4:50

way. In a creepy way. Yeah, in a creepy way.

4:53

Because when you appeared, James, it was more

4:55

magical. It was, well it was magical. He just appeared

4:57

out of nowhere. It was magical and lovely.

5:00

And I'm sorry for what you had to endure with Ed

5:02

beforehand. Yes, well it wasn't just

5:04

that appearing. It was a

5:06

lot of things happening in the weeks and months

5:09

preceding it. Different

5:11

appearance, Ed has been making various appearances

5:14

in my life. Different places

5:16

sometimes just appearing

5:18

in old phone boxes. I

5:20

think, I walked past a phone box. I think,

5:22

I didn't, I didn't think I had phone

5:24

boxes anymore. What do they use them for? Are they

5:26

for the internet? What do they have them for? And

5:29

then I see

5:29

Ed Gamble's in there. This is a

5:32

local phone box near my house. There's

5:34

no reason. But hey,

5:36

no one uses them anymore. Why

5:38

is he there? Yeah, what was

5:41

he doing in the phone box? Nothing.

5:43

Just that's what was so weird about him. Yeah, just

5:45

standing. If it'd been something like,

5:48

I don't know, even if it had

5:50

binoculars or something,

5:51

like a proper sort of stalker-y

5:54

pervert. Like a grubby one. At

5:56

least that would have given a context.

5:59

or even something sexual, I'd

6:02

have welcomed, because

6:05

I'd have known what it was. You know what I'm

6:07

up to. You know what it is, you call the police, they

6:10

know how to deal with it. It is a

6:12

bona fide offense. But

6:15

you can't just call the police and say, I think I've seen Ed

6:17

Gamblin on old phone boxes.

6:19

Not doing anything. Yeah, he's giving

6:21

you nothing to report. I was just in the phone box.

6:24

Are you worried that when you hit the road

6:26

and you go on tour doing your show Duzal

6:28

around the UK, that Ed is going to follow you

6:30

around the UK and pop up at various places?

6:33

Absolutely. In fact, what I tend to do when I get

6:35

in my car is always check the back

6:37

seat, in case it's one of those scenes

6:39

from a film, when suddenly Ed Gamblin

6:42

comes

6:42

from behind and just says, oh,

6:44

I was here all the time. I'm in the car.

6:47

I want to speak to you. And I say, I can't

6:50

speak to you, Ed. There are a

6:52

number of restraining orders in

6:55

the county courts, as well as in the

6:57

jurisdiction of California. In

7:00

various countries, there are restrictions.

7:03

I can't speak to you. You know what

7:05

happens. I call the police

7:08

and it's the police. I don't even

7:10

have to say anything to the police. I've got a code

7:12

number. I just say it to them, code 4739.

7:16

Yeah. Well, I know the code now. Thanks for letting

7:18

me know the code, Paul. Oh no. Not here. There's

7:20

the code. And also I've got all of your tour dates listed here. So I know exactly

7:23

where you're going to be and when. Oh no. That's concerning,

7:25

doesn't it? That is a worry. All I'm saying is-

7:27

He's been playing into his hands this episode. Beginning

7:31

of October is going to be great.

7:32

Aberdeen, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Sheffield, Birmingham,

7:35

Stafford.

7:36

Oh, he's got you. It's a good job that

7:38

I went to the trouble of learning

7:41

a false

7:42

code number for the police, as

7:45

well as going to the extravagant

7:47

expense of making

7:50

a false website that looks

7:52

like my own website, but has different

7:54

dates. Always one

7:57

date, day behind. You

7:59

always appear.

7:59

at the theatre one day after I was

8:02

there, where the police are waiting. Mason

8:04

Do you worry that's going to damage your sales? Stigley

8:06

Well, it will reduce them by one. Because

8:10

then you'll be like, there'll

8:13

be one less ticket. Still the

8:15

ticket will be sold, but there'll

8:17

be one empty seat in every show.

8:19

There'll always be the Ed Gamble seat,

8:22

seat four E,

8:25

four four rows back and

8:27

five in. So one where that's your seat, which

8:29

you've booked for every single show,

8:31

but that will always be empty. But

8:34

that's a good thing. Mason Yeah, you look

8:36

at that seat and feel comforted, I guess. Stigley

8:39

Yeah, I know that that is the difference between me

8:41

and

8:42

death. Mason Yeah. Stigley

8:44

Oh, that's becoming very apparent. These

8:47

are the stakes here. Mason Yes. I've known it

8:49

for some time,

8:50

but Ed, and by the way, I think

8:53

it's best that in this podcast, Ed

8:55

is referred to in the third person

8:57

at all times. But

9:00

I know that he has been plotting against me. Mason

9:02

Do I need to refer to myself in the third person

9:04

as well? Stigley That makes you feel safer. Mason Yeah,

9:06

I think that's better. It's like an entity. Mason

9:09

Yeah. And then I'm just an aura

9:11

really. Oh, so Ed's just an aura. Mason Ed

9:13

Gamble. Stigley Ed Gamble, the spirit

9:16

of Ed Gamble, which is not a good

9:18

spirit, not like yours, that genius,

9:20

that lovely, wonderful

9:22

genie coming up all like a look

9:25

like a fluttery little genie rising.

9:29

If I may say with a dash of camp, Mason

9:31

Thank you. Stigley You know, lovely. Mason

9:33

I don't think there's any non camp genies, though, to

9:35

be fair. I think it comes with the territory. Mason Well, I suppose

9:38

it does. Mason Who thinks it? Mason Huh?

9:40

Mason Who thinks it comes with the territory? Mason

9:42

Oh, Ed Gamble thinks it comes with the territory. Mason Yeah.

9:45

Yeah. I mean, if you look at genies,

9:47

particularly in in Panto, always

9:50

camp, aren't they? Mason Yeah. Mason When there was one with Christopher

9:52

Biggins, months of work

9:54

they did trying to get the campness out

9:56

of him so he could play the most

9:59

sort of straight. sort of macho

10:01

genie ever and it was just a

10:03

wasted money. Money down the drain

10:05

that ultimately meant

10:08

that they didn't make a profit. But there's

10:10

solid profits to be made on Panto, because

10:12

they're big sellers, but instead

10:15

losses were made and the theatre had

10:17

to close. Do you know, I mean, I

10:19

don't expect you will know, but do you happen

10:22

to know some of the methods they use to try

10:24

and decamp biggens? Well,

10:26

yes. Well, some of the methods,

10:28

yeah. Speaking

10:31

deep, speaking deep, speaking

10:33

deep, biggens deep, deep

10:35

biggens. And then they'd

10:38

get him to say things like,

10:40

things

10:42

like that. And yeah,

10:46

I mean, some of the things I can't really say,

10:48

but the sort of things you'd say in the 70s, like,

10:51

right,

10:52

nice racking you love. So they'd

10:54

find things. And we ought

10:56

to put a sort of a warning, trigger

10:59

warning that some 1970s

11:01

phrases are going to be used in this podcast.

11:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's things like that. So

11:06

1970s phrases, you'd have to say

11:09

stuff like,

11:10

right, right, darling, what, what

11:12

a meet up after the, what a meet up

11:14

after work. Yeah, you've

11:17

got a boyfriend, doesn't

11:19

stop us, does it? Things like that. That's the

11:21

sort of stuff. Yeah. That's the sort of stuff

11:23

that the biggens had to say. They had to say

11:25

that to decamp the genie character. And

11:28

it didn't really make much difference. It

11:30

didn't work as soon as you got on stage. As soon

11:32

as you got on stage, you just went,

11:34

Christopher Biggens here, here for,

11:37

you know, you all know what you've come for. And

11:40

I know what I've come for as well. All

11:42

that, all that, all of that sort of stuff, all the innuendo,

11:46

the innuendo, the campness. And

11:48

it was supposed to be

11:49

like the most masculine panto

11:51

ever. That's what they're aiming for. Yeah.

11:53

Very sad. Very sad. What happened? And

11:56

they wanted no innuendo in that panto.

11:58

Yeah.

11:59

mistake. Shouldn't

12:02

have hired biggens. But then

12:04

he puts bums on the seats. But then, you

12:06

know, also another thing that

12:08

puts bums on seats is a combination of

12:10

an

12:11

actor who used to be an Emmerdale 10

12:13

years ago, as well as other

12:16

well-known actors like Wendy

12:18

Craig. It

12:21

all adds up. Would

12:23

you do Pantopool?

12:24

Well, in what?

12:27

Being serious. I would be serious.

12:29

I'd be serious if we're joking. Oh, it's up

12:31

to you. Well, I mean, I... Well, how

12:33

are you?

12:34

I mean, it's not a dream.

12:36

It's not the dream, is it? No,

12:39

it's not the dream, but would you enjoy it, do you

12:41

think? Yeah, I

12:42

mean, I would enjoy it because any

12:45

of you can enjoy anything, can't you? I mean, you

12:48

know, if I had to do 15 years

12:50

hard labour in Siberia... You'd

12:52

enjoy that? I'd enjoy it. You'd

12:56

get into it. Just get into the mode,

12:59

wouldn't you? I'd think, well, I have

13:01

to accept my life is different now. I'm

13:03

no longer a stand-up comedian. I'm

13:05

in Siberia having gone to

13:07

Russia and said something to whatever

13:10

I did. Yeah, you did something. I

13:12

said an innuendo to Vladimir

13:16

Putin in the style of Christopher Biggins.

13:18

You were doing Panto in Russia. I was doing Panto in

13:20

Russia. I was doing Panto in Leningrad.

13:24

And it's not called Leningrad anymore, is it?

13:26

I don't know.

13:27

Why did that pop out of my mouth? I

13:29

think I was going back to the 70s, the 1870s. So that

13:32

was a mistake. But anyway, the point is, yeah, get

13:34

into it. So

13:40

if you have to toil at the cold face

13:43

of Panto, you must

13:45

have... You've got to enjoy it, haven't you? You'd

13:49

have a good time. You'd

13:51

accept that that's your life now. Yeah, I'd accept

13:53

that it's my life, but I'd accept that there's

13:56

more likely of

13:57

a way back from a life-centered

14:01

in a Russian kangaroo

14:03

court sentencing me to life

14:06

of hard labour in Siberia. There's more

14:08

likelihood of getting back into my career from

14:10

that than there is from appearing in Panto. Let's

14:14

face it, right up there

14:17

with being on a cruise ship with

14:20

the death knell being sounded for once career.

14:22

Yeah, yeah, that's fair enough. We're

14:24

going to talk a lot about food today. We

14:27

already know that you are a foodie, you appreciate

14:29

fine foods. When I first met you over 15

14:32

years ago, you

14:33

were definitely in a phase at that

14:35

point where maybe it's not stopped, maybe you still

14:37

don't know where you said to me, I only ever

14:39

eat a Michelin star restaurant now. It

14:41

was all, I mean, I don't know whether you've remembered

14:44

slightly but... That's what you said. Perhaps

14:47

I was trying to impress. I

14:49

think, well, there's a truth in

14:52

that you get the good value, the best

14:54

value I think in restaurants is

14:56

at the top end and at the bottom end, you

14:59

can get some really cheap thing for £1.70, good

15:01

value. And

15:03

you

15:04

can pay £200 for a really good meal and

15:06

it's really good. Where you lose

15:09

out is on the sort of mid range,

15:11

where it's just not particularly like the

15:14

sort of Bella Italia's and the place

15:16

is sort of a bit better than the Bella Italia's. It's

15:19

nothing, you could cook it yourself, it's not that good

15:22

and it's money down the drain. So

15:25

yes, therefore it is one

15:28

should eat in the Michelin star restaurants when one

15:30

can. I would like to see you host a

15:32

consumer affairs show where you judge whether

15:34

the things are money down the drain or not,

15:36

because that is a catchphrase. It's money down

15:38

the drain. Yeah, money down the drain, that would be the

15:41

name of my show, money down the drain.

15:43

And I would look at things that are down the

15:46

drain, money wise. And

15:48

would it be like Antiques Roadshow where

15:51

members of the public bring stuff to you and decide

15:53

if it's money down the drain or not? Or are you going

15:55

to establishments and deciding if what they're

15:57

selling is money down the drain?

15:59

establishments and there's obvious things.

16:02

I find it hilarious that people are called

16:05

out by things like this. I

16:07

bought a fridge a few years ago, a

16:09

fridge and it cost about 200 pounds, which

16:12

is what you have to pay for a really quite good

16:14

fridge.

16:15

I mean, you can't really pay a lot of money for a really

16:18

expensive fridge. One of the big American ones if you want to do

16:20

that. But it doesn't really make

16:22

much difference. It's a fridge. So 200

16:25

pounds for a fridge, there's not much that could go wrong

16:27

in a fridge,

16:28

and it's under warranty for the first

16:30

two years anyway. And then they try and sell you

16:32

a thing. Would you like peace of mind?

16:35

It's only 28 pound 99 per year. And

16:39

if anything happens to your fridge, it'll be replaced.

16:42

Like, does anyone actually just look at that and think,

16:44

what are the chances of the fridge breaking down

16:47

low? What

16:49

are the chances that I'm going to end

16:51

up paying a lot more? Like, it's

16:53

ridiculous. Why do people do it? Madness.

16:56

This is the sort of thing I'd say in my podcast. Not

16:59

podcast. No, it's not a podcast, is it? It's

17:01

a TV show. I got confused. This is a podcast.

17:04

This is really happening. I forgot

17:06

that. This is real. This is real. Yeah,

17:09

this is real. TV show

17:11

imaginary. Yes.

17:12

Yes. And if someone did pay 28

17:14

pounds a year, just in

17:16

case something happens with their fridge and goes wrong

17:18

with it, what would that be? Well,

17:21

in it, in the show, they sign

17:23

a thing that

17:24

if they've been found to be putting money

17:27

down the drain, then I'll

17:29

save some of that money. So

17:31

I'll say 50 percent of the money

17:34

that they're putting down the drain will be saved. And

17:36

the other 50 percent goes to me. So

17:39

I will be siphoning from

17:41

people's bank accounts money. Yeah.

17:44

People who have made stupid decisions in the past.

17:47

Any bad decision, I get half the money.

17:49

So in a way, going on the show is also money

17:52

down the drain.

17:52

Yeah, it is. It's massive. You know, I

17:55

might say to you, you've got an investment and you

17:57

can say it's quite a good investment. I'm getting seven

17:59

percent.

17:59

interest. And if I found one with

18:02

a higher interest, I'd say, you

18:04

should have thought about that,

18:05

higher interest. So you then get a higher

18:07

interest, but you pay half the difference to me,

18:09

see? For life. When

18:12

you get the money down the drain, when

18:15

that gets siphoned to you, do you have

18:17

to pay tax on that? Or is that tax free? Tax

18:19

free. Good. Because,

18:22

well, it is, isn't it? Because

18:24

it's not earnings, is it? It's just money

18:27

I'm siphoning off. It's a gift.

18:31

My accountant, I said, how does

18:33

it work with the tax situation with certain

18:35

things? Earnings

18:38

is taxless rate,

18:40

dividends is taxless rate. Siphoning.

18:44

You don't! Has anyone ever paid tax

18:46

on siphoning? No, never. Like,

18:50

another thing you can do with siphoning is you can siphon

18:52

money out. Like, you might have

18:54

too much money and there's a bit of a problem, I've got too much

18:56

money here, causing a problem

18:59

because the capital

19:01

gains tax situation, big worry, siphon

19:04

it out into the Cayman Islands. So

19:06

you can siphon off. That's

19:08

siphoned off. Siphoned off. Siphoned

19:11

out. Yeah, siphoned out is when

19:13

it comes out of their bank account, into me. And

19:15

then that is then ironically siphoned off

19:18

into other accounts around the world.

19:21

And then that gets siphoned up? Yeah, that gets siphoned

19:23

up into

19:24

property portfolio. Right.

19:27

Yes. Because I would like to

19:29

be wealthy enough that I don't have

19:32

a house or even second home

19:34

or even three homes, a portfolio.

19:37

That's what I want to have, a portfolio. So you

19:39

don't even really know what's in it. Yeah.

19:42

Got a portfolio. Oh, I'm going to Hong Kong

19:45

next week.

19:45

Shall I stay in a hotel? I think

19:47

I might have somewhere in Hong Kong. Let me check

19:50

my portfolio. Yes, I've

19:52

got somewhere in Hong Kong that could stay there. Although

19:55

the portfolio says someone's in there at the moment,

19:57

it could be a real estate hotel. Never mind.

19:59

You always end up in a

20:02

hotel anyway. You always stay in a hotel. But

20:07

then I might think, oh well, I

20:09

need to expand the portfolio in certain

20:11

areas, certain markets. Would you

20:13

ever like your property portfolio

20:15

to include hotels? Because then you've got yourself

20:18

covered there if you buy a hotel in your own hotels.

20:21

Yeah, I'd like to own a hotel. And then you've got a

20:23

room whenever you want. And you've got really, I mean, I

20:25

stayed in a hotel in Melbourne earlier in the

20:27

year.

20:28

It wasn't my hotel.

20:30

I want to point

20:32

out before I start the story. It

20:35

wasn't mine, but I knew someone who

20:37

knew the owner of the hotel.

20:39

Best room in the hotel, wasn't

20:41

it? All people at reception saying, if there's anything

20:44

you want, anything at all, just let us know. I

20:46

mean, that's just, imagine if that was my

20:48

hotel. I think they do say

20:50

that to everyone, they're in hotels, right? I

20:55

don't know, I've never stayed in a hotel. I

20:57

don't stay in hotels often because I normally just

20:59

did my, one of my portfolios. Places

21:02

I don't know, not familiar with it. I didn't know

21:04

that I thought it was some special treatment. I was getting

21:07

disappointing. I didn't know they

21:09

said that to everyone. Yeah, they offered a help. Eddie

21:11

went up. But was it the

21:13

Adena in Melbourne? It was not

21:15

the Adena. It was the,

21:18

I forgot what it was. The mantra. The

21:20

mantra. I was there too. The mantra

21:22

on Russell. Oh yeah. Did

21:25

they offer to help you or did they just tell you, fuck yourself?

21:27

Yeah. They said, sorry, you pull

21:29

foot. I said, no, they said, no, I can't get you

21:31

anything. I mean, I'm surprised that you were able to stay in

21:33

the same hotel as Paul since you, your

21:35

history with him. What do you mean? Stalking him all

21:37

the time. You're following him around the country in phone boxes.

21:40

He didn't know it was there. And you followed him to Melbourne

21:42

now. He stayed in the same hotel. It was the same hotel. You

21:44

made a big mistake. You wasted your money. It

21:46

was in Epping.

21:47

A different one. Yeah, different one near

21:50

the airport. Yeah. I wonder why I couldn't see you. That's

21:52

the greatest trick ever. Yeah.

21:56

We always start with still a sparkling water

21:58

pool. Oh yes. Well, I think

22:00

still water, and there's a reason

22:03

for that, which sounds ridiculous. But

22:06

I am in good health. Congratulations.

22:09

But I have one weird thing about me, which is not really

22:11

a health thing.

22:12

And I only really realized eight months ago, but

22:15

I used to, if I had sparkling water,

22:17

anything sparkling like sparkling

22:20

cherry cola and things like that, then

22:22

I would go all bloated inside.

22:25

And then if I had all rich food, I

22:27

would have to go to the loo, and

22:29

it'd have to release it in a really violent way

22:32

that sounded like I was being sick.

22:34

One time I was at the Dorchester Hotel, having one

22:36

of these mixed and star meals that we talked about.

22:39

And then I said, show

22:42

me where the loo is please. It's all very polite.

22:44

Loo's this way please. Thank you so much sir, and all that

22:46

stuff. Then I went in and there was

22:48

some really rich people in the

22:50

loo. He's the Dorchester, and I just went, waah!

22:53

Or like a vomiting sound, but it's like a vomit

22:56

sound. But it isn't. But it's

22:58

like all the gas coming out, all violently.

23:01

Anyway, and I couldn't work out what it was, and I thought

23:03

it was because I'm

23:04

swallowing air as I'm eating, eating

23:07

too quickly and kind of air's going in. But

23:09

anyway, then suddenly I was having

23:11

a conversation with a friend a few months ago, and

23:13

he said something about,

23:15

oh I just did a little burp there. And

23:17

then I said, what is burp? What?

23:21

I just said, I said, what

23:23

is burp? Because I didn't really know

23:25

what burp was. I

23:27

didn't know, I'd heard the word, but

23:30

I didn't know what burp was, you see.

23:33

And then I discovered that

23:35

you can burp either loudly, like

23:38

little burp, or silently.

23:41

But the point is, I realised

23:43

that never in my whole life have I ever burped,

23:46

ever. I've never burped.

23:48

I didn't know what it was. So, I've

23:51

been training myself in burping because

23:54

I looked it up online, and it's quite rare,

23:56

what I've got. It's quite rare,

23:58

but you can have it done.

23:59

by under general anaesthetic

24:02

you have to have Botox injected into your

24:04

sort of like down in the mouth, down in the

24:06

throat. Yeah, to

24:09

help you burp. To help you because it opens it up

24:11

and then you can burp after that.

24:13

But I was trying to do training because I saw an

24:15

internet video of a man trying to do

24:17

a burp.

24:18

And one time after brushing

24:20

my teeth, I managed to get my mouth

24:22

all full of like toothpaste and I managed to do

24:24

a belch. And I have been able

24:26

to more recently do like release all

24:28

the gas in like a vomiting way, but

24:31

less loudly than before. I'd

24:33

be on aeroplanes and like a cabin crew

24:35

would say, are you all right? What's going on? But

24:39

anyway. So the problem is

24:41

that you're getting all that gas in there, but you'd have

24:43

no way of releasing it other than this weird vomit sound.

24:45

I can't release it other than the weird vomit

24:47

sound. But then,

24:49

strangely enough, two weeks ago and

24:51

I hadn't even eaten or anything, I've been

24:53

doing all this training, you see. And then I was just

24:55

changing a record and my record player

24:58

and suddenly I did a burp.

25:00

And that's the first one in my whole life. But

25:03

I haven't done one since. That was about three weeks ago.

25:06

But there's maybe a hope.

25:09

And the next step would be another burp and

25:11

the next step after that would be a silent burp, which

25:13

is like, that's like a real pipe dream to

25:15

me at the moment. I'm

25:17

more likely to be in Punta with Christopher

25:19

Biggins. Not that I want

25:22

to. No, you don't want to do that. So

25:24

likely, but it's still... So

25:26

anyway, so that's why

25:29

for that reason, I would have still

25:30

water. So the last thing I need is more bubbles

25:34

inside me because of that

25:35

thing. It's got a fancy name for it. Really

25:38

not being able to burp. Yes. And you can have

25:40

it done, but you have to have it done privately. And

25:43

it costs about £4,000 or something. But

25:45

what concerns me is that, you know, you've

25:48

got to find... It's privately and you've got

25:50

to find someone who knows what they're doing. It's

25:52

not like the best when with the NHS,

25:54

you can have something done on the NHS for

25:57

free. And if it goes wrong, you can then just

25:59

live with it for free.

25:59

the rest of your life, but tell everyone and just

26:02

say, you know the NHS, they let

26:04

me down. There's been so many cuts, so

26:06

many cuts in the NHS. It's a disgrace,

26:08

it's been running to the ground. I

26:11

went for a routine operation on my hip.

26:13

I've been in agony ever since. I had a

26:15

routine operation to check

26:17

something to do with my gallbladder. I've been

26:20

in the continent ever since and

26:23

I can't have sex anymore. It's a disgrace.

26:26

That's what's happening in the NHS. And after

26:29

it, they

26:29

paid me just 15,000 pounds

26:32

of compensation. It's not much, is it?

26:34

Considering I've lost my sex life, I've

26:37

lost my sex drive, I've lost my ability

26:41

to, you know, all that

26:43

stuff. So,

26:45

you know, if it's private, you know,

26:47

you can't do that. No, no.

26:49

So it's best to make sure they know what they're doing.

26:51

Yeah, yeah. So that's why I thought, why don't I

26:53

just train myself to do it? It must be possible.

26:56

I mean, if you've done it where you were changing the record or

26:58

you could play it, that's a good start. Yeah. Maybe

27:00

you remember what the album was you were listening to,

27:02

the music, maybe that helps. Maybe it relaxed you. Vivaldi,

27:05

was it? Certainly not. No,

27:07

it was J.S. Bach. I

27:09

wouldn't have been listening to Vivaldi. Talk

27:12

about second rate.

27:13

I can't believe you just

27:16

said that.

27:16

That's not the most insulting thing you

27:18

can say. The idea of listening to Vivaldi

27:21

in my own home, in

27:23

my private sanctuary. When

27:26

I finally got into my own home,

27:28

done a complete sweep of the whole house,

27:31

check that Ed Gamble isn't there anywhere

27:34

in the home. And I can just relax.

27:36

The idea I'm going to put Vivaldi on and

27:38

then burp. Well, it's

27:40

insulting. I apologize. I

27:44

apologize. That's all right, James. I do apologize.

27:46

I

27:46

know you didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Deep

27:48

down, I like you. Pop

27:51

it up, sore bread. Pop it up, sore bread, palfa.

27:53

Pop it up, sore bread. Oh, poppadoms or bread.

27:56

Poppadoms. Oh, lovely. Yeah, they're nice,

27:58

aren't they? They are nice.

27:59

nice. I mean it doesn't it's not gonna fit

28:02

in with my meal I don't think. I don't think I'm

28:04

gonna have an Indian meal particularly but

28:06

it's nice isn't it? It's the best isn't it?

28:08

Pompadoms. Yeah with all the little

28:12

pickles. Yeah the little pickles and

28:14

there's always one that no one likes. The

28:17

onion. Yeah people often disregard the onion.

28:19

The chopped onion bit. I like the chopped

28:21

onion one. Well that's because you can't burp so

28:23

you never have to experience the onion burp. Oh

28:25

no I've never had that. They don't repeat on you. Oh

28:28

do they?

28:28

I didn't know. Yeah you see I have to taste it

28:31

again as it belches out your mouth. Because when you burp which

28:33

is what you're training yourself to do if

28:35

you've had onion you then get the taste of onion

28:37

in the burp. Oh but when I do the little vomit

28:39

thing yes you definitely have to test them.

28:42

It's real bad. I mean that

28:44

it's not it's that's like concentrated onion.

28:47

Yeah it's like it's like a thousand

28:49

French onion soups. So forget

28:51

about your little onion burp

28:53

thing. This is like concentrated

28:56

onion trauma. This is like 25

28:59

years in Siberia. Hard

29:01

onion. You know it's just cutting onions

29:04

for 25 years. Yeah

29:05

and then you have it all with that belch.

29:07

You know how you say you can enjoy anything? Does that go

29:10

for the weird vomit sound? Yeah one has

29:12

to enjoy every part of one's life doesn't one.

29:14

If one can you know it's all part of life.

29:17

Yeah it's all part of life. It's all part yeah so I make

29:19

the best of it. That's one of my one

29:21

of the big things that's going to happen in my life. So

29:24

yeah if you think about it I

29:27

may be on the way to being cured but

29:29

even if there's say another 50 vomit

29:33

moments in my life before the curing and

29:35

I've learnt

29:35

how to do the burping that's

29:37

still 50. I mean that's about

29:39

as long as his podcast. Yeah so

29:42

you know I might as well enjoy it because

29:44

that's the whole length of this podcast

29:47

is just vomiting which

29:50

in many ways yeah you know

29:52

is probably the reaction of some guests I suppose.

29:55

Oh yeah it's been said before. A few of them. You know

29:57

sort of doubled up. Yeah but

29:59

sort of.

29:59

thinking, what did I do that podcast

30:02

for? No, but then vomiting

30:04

repeatedly thinking about the podcast, but also

30:06

checking the time to make sure that

30:09

the vomiting in some way, I don't know

30:11

why it makes a difference, but that it outlasts

30:13

the length of the podcast. If

30:15

the vomiting is longer than the podcast, then

30:17

you think, yeah, okay, that's gone

30:19

now. Somehow,

30:22

in some sort of spiritual way, it's just exercise.

30:25

It cancels it out. So do

30:27

you want all the dips of your poppadoms? Oh, yes, please.

30:29

You want all of them? Yeah,

30:32

that one, the mango-y one, I like the sweet one.

30:35

And the one that's sort of the very hot

30:37

one. Yeah, I want that one. The

30:40

lime pickle. The lime pickle. And the onions.

30:43

And there's a fourth one that I can't remember what it is now. It's like the writer,

30:45

the yogurty one. Oh, the yogurty one.

30:47

Yeah, a bit of the yogurty one. Do you want to

30:49

invent a dip as well? Invent your own poppadom

30:52

dip and a brand new one, a pull foot special?

30:55

I really like Cherry Cola.

30:58

I

30:58

don't know why I say that,

31:00

because I only probably have it maybe every

31:03

four years. But every four years, I have

31:05

a craving. It's overwhelming. It can come

31:08

on quite quickly. It can come

31:10

on within 15 minutes. And I've gone from just

31:12

normal life to just massive craving

31:15

for Cherry Cola. It happens about every

31:17

four years to the extent that I'll go into shops

31:19

and just, have you got Cherry Cola? Yeah. I

31:22

have a bit of Cherry Cola and

31:24

the craving's gone for four years. So

31:28

yeah, I'd have that flavour. Dip,

31:31

the Cherry Cola dip. The Cherry Cola on

31:33

my poppadoms. So do you want actual

31:35

just like a little source of

31:37

Cherry Cola? Or do you want a source

31:40

that has a consistency of mayonnaise,

31:42

but that is Cherry Cola flavour? Yeah, I think I

31:44

want to do something a bit more Heston Blumenthal. I

31:46

want something that tastes of Cherry

31:49

Cola, but looks quite different. I

31:51

would like the source to look

31:54

like

31:54

crushed up bits of old poppadom.

31:58

It looks like bits of old poppadom.

31:59

but it's actually much softer.

32:03

It looks hard, but it isn't. It's soft.

32:05

And it's got a cholera flavour. And it tastes like cholera

32:07

cola. Yeah. That's going to blow people's minds. Yeah,

32:09

that will actually. And it's got vitamins

32:12

in as well. So you don't have to bother eating

32:14

the rest of the day, because it's got all the vitamins. That you'd

32:16

need for a day. For a day, yeah. The whole day's

32:18

vitamins. All

32:21

of that. And it's got protein

32:23

and everything that you need. It's a complete meal, really.

32:25

Do you know, I only discovered it recently. That's

32:27

another, you know, I don't know whether

32:30

you've had the same thing, either of you. But when

32:32

there's things that you just, you get to quite

32:34

an age, like I'm nearly 50. And then there's things

32:36

you just didn't know. Like,

32:38

I didn't know what was burp, for

32:40

example. And then there's other things.

32:43

Like, it was only when I was about 48 that

32:46

I found out what a canyon was. I

32:48

didn't know what a canyon was. I had no idea.

32:50

And then people say, I've gone to the Grand Canyon. I

32:53

didn't really, I just sort of, just sort of say,

32:55

oh, that's nice. Must be lovely to see it. And

32:57

then change the subject. Because I didn't

32:59

know what a canyon was. I didn't know what

33:02

that word was. You didn't know what the Grand

33:04

Canyon was until you were 48. No,

33:06

I'd heard of it. I knew it was near Las

33:09

Vegas. But I didn't know what it was. I

33:11

didn't know what a canyon was. You'd never seen

33:13

a photo of it? No. I didn't know

33:15

what the word meant. And I'd never looked

33:17

it up. I don't know why. I just never looked it up.

33:20

I always thought I must look it up. Like someone

33:22

would say something about a canyon. I said, must look that

33:24

up. So I don't appear foolish next

33:26

time. Then I would just forget about

33:28

it. And then I'd suddenly be

33:30

like a nightmare into a conversation with

33:32

someone, who just got back from a family holiday.

33:35

Who is the helicopter flew over the Grand Canyon?

33:37

I think, oh, no, it's happening again. And

33:40

I think I'm 47 years old. I can't tell

33:44

them. I don't know what a canyon is. Yeah. I

33:46

guess canyons aren't coming up that often,

33:48

though, right? So it's you think, oh, I

33:50

should look that up. And then it's so long until someone brings

33:52

up canyons again. There was no point. Yeah. It's

33:55

about every four or five months on average.

33:57

Yeah. That you meet someone who's.

33:59

either go into or go back on the Grand Canyon

34:02

or just brings it up. Yeah. An average,

34:04

healthy, sexually active adult.

34:09

The sexually active wasn't really relevant there. But

34:12

that, you know,

34:13

every four or five months you'll hear the word canyon.

34:16

And probably less often that, maybe

34:19

once every 10 months, be involved in a

34:21

conversation about a canyon where you

34:23

really have to then sort of add something

34:25

to the conversation. So, yeah, I really know what

34:27

you mean there. Yeah. Yeah. Grand

34:29

Canyon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get your meaning

34:32

there. I know what to say about that. Yeah. Yeah.

34:34

I see this what I'm doing now.

34:37

That's actually some of the training that

34:38

Christopher Biggins had to do. Yeah. Yeah. I

34:41

know about canyons. That was some of his training.

34:43

He used to do that. Yeah. I know about

34:45

canyons. Yeah. Tell me about it. I

34:48

think, Paul, if I didn't know about something

34:50

and someone brought it up and I wanted to disguise

34:52

the fact I didn't know about it, I wouldn't use the phrase

34:54

of I get your meaning there because

34:56

that is opening up

34:58

a whole world of issues. If someone

35:00

said to me, yeah, yeah, canyons, I know all about

35:02

that. That's what I'd be suspicious.

35:05

Yeah. Yeah. You would be. Yeah. You still haven't told

35:07

us what a canyon is though during all of this.

35:09

You're saying that you know what it is now. I

35:11

think I know what it is. It's like a big kind of

35:13

valley. Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't

35:15

know that. No, I didn't know what it was.

35:17

I had no, I did not know that

35:20

the Grand Canyon

35:21

went down into the ground. I

35:24

didn't know what it was. Well, did you imagine when people

35:26

did say, was it just a blank slate in your mind?

35:28

Because you imagine something. I half thought maybe

35:30

it's some sort of mountain, but

35:32

then that didn't seem to make sense because people say we flew

35:34

over it and you thought, well, why would you fly

35:36

up over a mountain? Yeah. So then

35:39

I thought maybe it's just some sort of thing with like

35:41

a, like a big lake and there's like trees around

35:43

it or something. It's kind of pretty. Maybe

35:45

it kind of reflects sunlight in a particular way.

35:47

And people say, wow, what a Canyon.

35:51

The light that it's reflecting off that Lake.

35:53

Yeah. Well, it's a, it's a particular

35:56

type of Lake that reflects the light in particular

35:58

sort of way. Yeah.

35:59

a canyon. It's kind of what I thought

36:02

it was. A lake that reflects

36:04

light in a certain type of way. Yeah, I felt some

36:06

sort of docking site. I didn't know something

36:08

like that. I didn't really know, you know, I was guessing.

36:11

Is there anything nowadays that you're pretending

36:13

to know about that you don't know about that you want to share on

36:15

the podcast? Yeah, we can talk about it now. Yeah, I think

36:17

there was. I think I brought this up

36:19

because I was going to say something that I didn't

36:21

know with reference to what

36:23

we were talking about on the podcast. I've completely

36:26

lost my thread now of what it was we were saying. Pop

36:29

it up to the source that you've got. Yeah, and

36:31

you were saying something about did I want

36:33

the cherry cola? I

36:35

can't know what it was. Did you want it in a dish or did you want the sauce

36:38

to just taste of cherry cola to be like mayonnaise

36:40

that was, did you not know what mayonnaise is? Is that what this is? Yeah,

36:42

I knew what mayonnaise was. There was something else I didn't

36:44

know, something obvious. Oh, I'll tell

36:46

you what it was. It was, I said about

36:48

vitamins and you said

36:49

about protein. I think you said protein. Oh,

36:51

I said protein. But that was something I only

36:53

discovered like a year ago. I

36:56

didn't know that protein is

36:58

like food.

36:59

But you can eat what like I thought,

37:02

I thought that food was only carbohydrate.

37:05

Carbohydrates is what gave you gives you energy.

37:08

You need carbohydrates like potatoes and things

37:10

that gives you energy. And I thought protein

37:12

like eggs or what else is milk and things like

37:14

that. I thought chicken, it doesn't give you energy.

37:17

It's just I thought if you eat chicken

37:19

or eggs or stuff, you'll have no energy because

37:22

it doesn't you can't get energy out of it. It's

37:24

just like helps your bones.

37:27

You need it for your bones because otherwise your bones

37:29

will just break. Yeah, but I didn't know that

37:31

it's energy. I had no idea

37:34

that you could eat protein. It gives that

37:36

is food that gives you energy. Yeah,

37:39

I think that one is more because you're

37:41

getting into the weed sort of scientifically there. I

37:43

think that's more understandable and acceptable

37:45

than not knowing what a canyon is until you're 48.

37:48

You think that's, yeah, I think the protein thing's fine.

37:50

I think that's all right. Well, that's why I said the

37:52

canyon thing first to sort of soften you up. Yeah,

37:54

it's worked so that when I said it, you weren't

37:57

so shocked about the fact that I knew that

37:59

if I'd gone to with protein,

38:01

you'd have been all over that head going on about it.

38:04

I know what you're like when you get in your high horse

38:06

and you'd have been going, how could you not know it's one

38:09

of the foods, you know, Yeah,

38:11

I would have been. Yeah. Yeah. But by

38:13

sort of tricking you with a canyon thing, which kind of

38:16

wrong footage you and then pretending

38:18

that I'd forgotten what I was saying earlier,

38:21

I tricked you. I

38:23

tricked head gamble. Not for the first

38:25

time, always having to be on the move, always

38:29

making phone calls to hotels. But

38:32

actually it's another hotel. You think, you know,

38:34

which hotel I'm going to, but it isn't that one.

38:36

So you do it. Yeah. Fake property

38:39

portfolios left around on the desk. You

38:41

look in there, think, Oh,

38:42

I'll go there. It's one of Paul's, one of his portfolio.

38:45

It's not fake

38:48

information.

38:52

Dream starter, Paul Foote. Yes.

38:54

Oh, yes.

38:56

Dream starter. I thought

38:59

soup because I just think soup

39:01

is so nice, isn't it? Cause you get the flavor of what the

39:03

soup is, but without having

39:04

to actually eat whatever the thing is, just

39:07

get the flavor. And it's so easy

39:09

to just spoon it in. It's no eating

39:11

involved. There's no chewing flavor

39:14

in it goes, flavor, flavor, flavor. Do you

39:16

not like chewing?

39:17

Well, I mean, I don't mind

39:19

it. No, it's all right. But it's just, if

39:21

I'm going to have this dream meal, why not make parts

39:23

of it easier for me? Yeah, absolutely. Just

39:26

shove it in. Yeah. Makes sense. So I

39:28

want soup. What flavor soup? Well,

39:31

again, I, I thought

39:32

of mushrooms because I love mushrooms.

39:34

It's my favorite.

39:35

But then, or P love, love a bit of

39:37

P. But then I thought, what about quail?

39:40

Because I like quail, but it's

39:42

a bit fiddly to eat, isn't it? I love this

39:44

quite a lot of flavor of quail. It's

39:46

fiddle, fiddle, fiddle, fiddling around with that quail.

39:49

And then I thought, what about quail and champagne?

39:52

Because then I wouldn't even have to, I

39:54

could have champagne with it, but wouldn't have to even

39:57

bother with having a glass of champagne.

39:59

Yeah. it would all be there. It would all be in the

40:01

soup. In the soup. So you want quail

40:03

and champagne soup? Yes. Lovely.

40:07

Because I also think, you know when you're having a

40:09

meal and then they say, oh, this wine goes to the

40:11

food. I never quite know when,

40:13

like,

40:14

they say you should take a mouthful

40:16

of the food, then have a bit of the wine, yes, it goes with

40:18

it. Do you have to, like, if

40:20

you get some of the food in your mouth, do you have to then get the

40:22

wine as well all together

40:25

and then sort of chew it to get all the flavours together? Or

40:27

can you have the food and swallow that and then

40:29

get the wine in? It has to be really

40:32

fresh in. You've still got a bit of the

40:34

flavour of the chicken and the pesto sauce.

40:36

Get the wine in, get the wine in, because it pairs

40:38

well.

40:39

This particular wine goes

40:41

very well with the pesto. Your

40:44

notes of grapefruit really complement the

40:46

pesto. So you've still got the pesto flavour, get

40:48

the wine in. Or what? You

40:50

know, are you allowed to just sometimes

40:52

have a mouthful of food and not have the wine? Yes.

40:56

You're allowed to just have a mouthful of the wine. It's difficult to

40:58

know. Yeah. And I just think, wouldn't

41:00

it be easier if they just get the food

41:03

and the wine and just blend it together? Yeah.

41:06

Because they go together and that's where I had the idea,

41:08

to shove it all together in a soup. Yeah.

41:11

Quirling champagne soup. Yeah.

41:14

Well, I hope so. Yeah. Yeah, I'd

41:16

like it to be. Good to retain the fizz. Yes,

41:19

in fact, why not make it into

41:21

an aspic? Make it into like a jelly,

41:23

a jelly soup. And then you could have the bubbles

41:26

in, couldn't you? Aren't you rolling

41:28

the dice a little bit if you have anything fizzy that's

41:30

got bubbles in it? Oh

41:32

yes, you're right. Yes. Because then

41:34

you might have to do the... Yeah, no, I don't. Yes, until I've done the

41:36

training, you're right. So in that case,

41:38

I will have the champagne flattened prior

41:41

to... I want the flavour

41:43

of quail and flat

41:46

champagne. Yes. In an aspic

41:48

still? In an aspic. Yeah. Is

41:50

it all jelly all the way through? It's

41:51

jelly, yeah. It's a jelly soup. It's

41:54

a jelly soup. It's a soup that's been jellied. Yes, jelly.

41:56

Jelly, yeah, jelly. Yeah, yeah. It's

41:58

a savoury jelly.

41:59

I do see the slurp that and not chew

42:02

it because you don't want to chew it. So like, you don't have

42:04

to choose jelly. You can swallow

42:07

jelly whole, but

42:09

it doesn't matter because it just dissolves inside

42:11

your tummy, doesn't it? Yes. So the only

42:13

thing you can, apart from mashed

42:15

potato, you can have mashed potato, just swallow it down.

42:18

Yeah. I can't think of anything else you can just swallow

42:20

down without chewing it that's solid. Yeah.

42:22

Yeah. It's a good question.

42:24

I guess many pure, like puree. Any

42:26

puree or any jelly. Yeah.

42:29

Yeah. Or aspic. Yeah. Aspic.

42:32

I like the word aspic. Sounds sophisticated,

42:34

doesn't it? Yeah. I think

42:36

it sounds like cleaning products. You're

42:38

thinking of asbestos and Harpick. Harpick.

42:41

Yeah. Which together make an awesome

42:43

combination. A little

42:45

bit of asbestos from a condemned

42:48

building. The bit of Harpick. Put

42:50

it around your loo and you're

42:52

not going to be worrying about toilet

42:55

stains in the toilet bowl for long because you'll be

42:57

dead from asbestos. I

43:00

start, you know, that thing you get from asbestos,

43:02

you'll be dead. Yeah. Quite soon. That's

43:04

literally money down the drain, isn't

43:06

it? If you do that to yourself. Well, if

43:08

it's well, it depends how much it costs. Yeah. You

43:10

say literally money down the drain. But how much does

43:13

it cost to get asbestos? You can get it for

43:15

people will pay you to take it away. Yeah.

43:18

To be honest. So it's actually the opposite

43:20

of money down the drain. Yeah. It's actually a good investment.

43:23

It's actually your life down the drain. And

43:25

money for your children or

43:27

other beneficiaries to your will. Make sure

43:29

you make a will before doing that clean. Yes.

43:32

Because you will be dead shortly. You'll be

43:34

dead. You'll be dead. You'll be dead.

43:36

Yeah. What's

43:44

that set us up for? What's your dream main course? I

43:46

thought fillet steak. I love

43:48

fillet steak. And I don't

43:50

like the other steaks. You know, when people say I

43:53

prefer I prefer sirloin.

43:56

A little bit of the fat in it gives it

43:58

the flavor.

43:59

trying to remember. I

44:02

know you say you don't like T-Bone,

44:04

but try this. It's exceptional. It's

44:07

not exceptional. They're just awful.

44:09

It's all gristle, aren't they? It's

44:12

all gristle. All those other ones rump

44:14

and all those ones terrible. I disagree with you,

44:16

Paul, but that little character you did there was like

44:18

an impression of me. That's what you

44:21

like. You like the... Oh, it's going to be a marbling.

44:23

We've

44:23

got the marbling. It gives it the flame

44:26

there. And it all dissolves away when you

44:28

kick it. It doesn't dissolve away when you... But

44:30

it's all chewy. Like when I was

44:32

a child, I used to hate meat because

44:35

it was always... I'd sit there at

44:37

the table and it was all going round and round my mouth

44:39

and it was all chewy and I couldn't get rid of

44:41

it. Then I'd have to go to the toilet and like

44:43

flush it down when no one was looking. It

44:46

was just awful. Where would

44:48

you keep it in between? Have

44:51

it in your mouth when you went to the toilet and then spit it out?

44:53

Yeah, I had it in my mouth and I'd have to sort of make excuses.

44:55

Oh, just point, you know, but they knew. It was

44:58

all in my cheeks. All that gristle. Gristle.

45:02

And also, when I

45:04

say gristle, I do mean fat. I

45:06

do always just call anything that

45:08

isn't purely meat gristle.

45:10

I've always done that. Yeah, why? I

45:13

don't know. Just because it's just awful, isn't it?

45:16

When I go to my local butcher, sometimes I get

45:18

like a chicken breast and then I say, there's

45:20

gristle. There's not really gristle, just a bit of fat on

45:22

it.

45:22

And then sometimes like one other,

45:25

another butcher has to come over because

45:27

they say, it's all right. We know what to do with Paul.

45:29

Like they know how to get rid of every

45:31

single tiny bit of fat off it. It's

45:34

just awful. You hate it. Hate

45:37

it. The only time I don't hate it is I only had

45:39

it the other day. I hadn't tried it before, but

45:41

I had Wagyu beef and

45:43

I don't think that was fillet, but

45:45

it was all, it was quite fatty. There's a lot

45:47

of marbling in that. A lot of marbling, but it was

45:49

like proper marbling, not like from your,

45:52

your cheap old Aldi sirloin

45:55

steak thing that you eat and pretend

45:57

that you're satisfied with. This was like

45:59

It's all like being massaged.

46:02

They've massaged a lovely little cow

46:05

and everything. And it's just, it was like

46:07

chopping into a beef burger. It was so soft.

46:10

And it was

46:11

just pure meat with the fat all marbled

46:13

through it. That was nice. But

46:15

even better, Wagyu fillet

46:18

steak. And then not only do you have the

46:20

tenderness of the Wagyu,

46:22

no gristle at all.

46:24

So you would like a Wagyu fillet steak. Yeah,

46:26

Wagyu fillet steak. That'd be your dream. You

46:29

might be the first person. Have we had Wagyu before?

46:31

Maybe. We've chatted about it before. We've chatted about

46:33

it. I don't know if anyone's picked it specifically. How do

46:35

you like that cook's pull?

46:37

To what temperature? Quite

46:39

rare. Yes. Yes,

46:41

rare. What do you think of people who have like well

46:43

done? It's appalling, isn't it?

46:46

I mean, obviously, I don't want to sit here and

46:48

tell people how to live their lives. But

46:50

what sort of person? I

46:52

like it well done. It's pathetic.

46:55

Can I have it medium? Well, I like it. There

46:58

are even worse people. Medium to

47:00

well done. I mean, just admit

47:02

what you want. You want it well done. Just

47:05

say that. Don't try and sound sophisticated

47:08

by saying medium well

47:10

done. Just say, I

47:12

don't appreciate the meat.

47:14

If I want it cooked to a cinder, I want

47:17

it cooked to a cinder so it's all gone all dry

47:19

because I'm British and it's the only way I've ever had

47:21

it. I can't possibly like the idea of any

47:23

blood coming out. And just say,

47:26

well done. Have it like that. Well

47:28

said. Yeah. Yeah. I

47:30

like to go to a restaurant,

47:33

especially British ones, they always cook it a bit more.

47:35

If you say medium rare, they'll always do

47:37

it medium and so on because they're just too

47:40

scared to serve anything

47:42

with any blood. So I like to say, could

47:44

I have it really, really well

47:46

done until it's actually dried out and ruined?

47:49

Because that's how you're going to do it anyway, wasn't it? Ha

47:52

ha ha ha ha.

47:53

That's what I like to say. I

47:56

imagine the answer is no to this, but do you want any sauce

47:59

on this? Sometimes people like it.

47:59

a sauce on their steak, peppercorn

48:02

sauce or something. Yeah, I like a sauce. Well, you do. Well,

48:04

this is similar to the soup really, isn't it? Because

48:06

I can have any flavour I want. Yes. Yeah.

48:09

You know, so I could have peppercorn,

48:11

but I could have anything. Cherry

48:14

cola. You have cherry cola again. I've got a cherry cola

48:16

sauce, good night. Sometimes people, you know, cook

48:18

meat in coke cola, don't they? Yeah, and

48:20

cola goes into barbecue sauce sometimes, so I just

48:22

think that would work as a sauce. Yeah, but I've had a better idea.

48:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pobodum sauce. No one's expecting

48:27

that, are they? No. It looks like cherry

48:30

cola, but it tastes of

48:32

poppadom. And also,

48:34

bread sauce is a thing. Yeah, bread sauce. So therefore,

48:37

why not have poppadom sauce? Yeah. You know,

48:39

like, why doesn't that exist in the world

48:41

already, you know? Yeah, why doesn't it? Yeah,

48:43

so I think you've done a good thing there. Yeah, I've

48:45

invented something. Yeah, you've invented something

48:47

properly. Pobodum sauce that looks like cherry cola. Yeah.

48:50

Yeah. Yeah, well, I haven't invented that. I've

48:52

invented poppadom sauce. I have no idea

48:55

how to make it look like cherry cola. That's

48:57

beyond my abilities. I have to get like Heston Blumenthal

48:59

for that. Well, the genie can do that. I can do

49:01

that for you. Oh, can you? I can make anything

49:04

you

49:04

want. If you want it to look like cherry cola, but

49:06

tastes like poppadom sauce, done. Yeah,

49:08

I'd like that. Yeah, you can have that. Yes. On your

49:10

steak. On your fillet wagyu. Fillet

49:12

wagyu, yeah. No gristle. There'll be

49:14

no gristle, I promise. We know how to deal with Paul.

49:17

Yeah. I'll tell you what I could

49:19

do. This

49:20

is just a silly idea. Yeah. I could have.

49:22

I mean, I don't think you want silly ideas, will you?

49:25

I think we're talking about

49:27

poppadom sauce that looks like cherry cola. I think we're okay with

49:29

whatever you're about to say. I could have a sauce

49:31

that tastes of gristle. See what it's like, because

49:33

I've never eaten gristle. Yeah. Because whenever

49:36

I've tried to eat some gristle, no, some

49:38

people just eat gristle, don't know. You see them. They'll,

49:40

oh, lovely. All around a bit of ham. Eat

49:44

fat. Yeah. They don't eat actual gristle, but they eat

49:46

fat. Yeah. Yeah. It's getting

49:48

confusing because you seem to call everything

49:50

gristle. Yeah, it's gristle. Yeah. What do

49:52

you think about- I call you gristle. That's actually

49:54

my affection, the name for Ed gristle. But

49:56

sometimes, in times when Ed's

49:58

stalking me. Yeah.

49:59

There are little times when there's just a moment,

50:02

like it might be a moment when I'm just frantically

50:05

getting my bedroom door closed, trying

50:07

to get the privacy lock over, desperately

50:09

trying to push his foot out. So he does, and

50:11

he's trying to, I'm trying to push back a knife

50:14

that he's trying to get to the door. It's got really

50:16

sinister. Yeah, I know, it's quite, it's- You're the

50:18

one who does it, mate. When I say knife- You want to get a

50:20

gamble, does it? I mean a butter knife, because,

50:22

you know- He's trying to butter you. He's trying to butter me up.

50:24

He's trying to butter me up, literally. He's actually

50:27

spent the whole evening buttering me.

50:29

And gamble got mixed

50:29

up with the phrase. Yeah, yeah. So

50:33

Ed Gumbel, he treats me like a crumpet.

50:35

Yeah. Anyway, after

50:37

such nights as that, sometimes there's just a

50:39

moment, there's like hatred in both

50:41

of our eyes. You know, like as we look at each other,

50:43

yeah, get off me, just get out of my room and

50:45

ease. I want to put more butter on you. And

50:48

sometimes there's just a little moment of

50:50

like human connection between us, almost

50:52

as if we've both had enough of all

50:54

the stress and all the worry.

50:56

And then I just say, all

50:58

right, Gristle. That's my little affectionate

51:00

name. And then

51:02

Ed Gumbel, he blows me a little kiss and I close the

51:05

door. A little kissle. And that's

51:07

the end for that day. Yeah.

51:10

To the morning and the nightmare just starts.

51:12

To you. You dream side dish.

51:15

Oh, it's dream side dish. Well, can

51:17

I have Dover Soul Sashimi? Of course you

51:19

can. Yeah.

51:21

Because I really like Sashimi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

51:24

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because

51:27

I really like Sashimi. Yeah. I

51:30

just love it. It's the best. It's like one of the best

51:32

things ever, isn't it? When you get really good Sashimi.

51:34

It's so good. Yeah. And I did think

51:36

I could have all a selection of Sashimi's. But

51:39

then one time I was in a restaurant in Tokyo

51:42

and it was mixed in three-starred, but

51:45

it was very unpretentious because it's Japan. And

51:47

I had like some of the best food ever

51:49

there. I had like a carrot. It

51:51

was the best carrot I've ever tasted in my whole life.

51:54

I don't know how they cook the carrot so well. And

51:56

part of the meal was Dover Soul

51:58

Sashimi. And also the-

51:59

restaurant it was called Grunt. Yeah. But

52:02

if you translated it, yes, it was a kind

52:04

of fish called Grunt. Anyway, it was so nice.

52:06

I just thought, can I just absolutely

52:08

have loads of Dover soles sashimi.

52:11

Great. It's expensive. I just have

52:13

that. Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I might even cut

52:15

down a bit on the fillet steak, just

52:17

so I can just really go. Really make

52:19

the Dover soles. The restaurant

52:21

called Grunt. It's called Grunt. Well, in Japanese,

52:25

it's the Japanese name for the fish

52:27

called Grunt. It's named after the physical grunt.

52:29

It's not called

52:29

Grunt like Grunt. Yeah.

52:32

It's not like it's not big ins. No, it's not Christopher.

52:35

No, that's the Christopher Biggins restaurant, which

52:37

is ironically also called Grunt. Yes.

52:39

From his days when he was trying to be all masculine.

52:42

Yeah. Yeah. He had a restaurant.

52:44

Yeah. Right. Well, yeah, he was the major

52:47

D. They'd welcome people. Yeah. Welcome

52:49

to the restaurant. Welcome to Grunt. Yeah.

52:52

You'd say trying to be all masculine and sort

52:54

of that was the thought. That was the theme

52:56

of the restaurant.

52:58

Masculinity. Masculinity was

53:00

a theme, but it soon went wrong. By the time

53:02

people were even, you know, by the

53:04

time people had just even getting

53:06

their starters, it would already turned into

53:08

a big campfest. Christopher

53:11

Biggins going around saying, hmm, who's with another

53:13

little savoury mouthful? I

53:16

wouldn't mind one myself and all that. It was

53:18

like that, you know, it went on like that for the rest

53:20

of the evening. So this Dover

53:22

soles sashimi sounds brilliant. I

53:24

think that's a wonderful choice. Yeah.

53:26

I think it's nice. Wonderful

53:28

choice. So in wasabi

53:30

to do any dipping or do you leave

53:32

that alone? A bit of dipping, a bit of dipping

53:35

and also the opportunity to

53:37

look sophisticated. I

53:40

put my

53:41

wasabi in

53:43

the sauce. I only put half

53:45

the wasabi in. That's my method. Using

53:48

the chopsticks, showing your sophistication.

53:50

Yeah. Yeah. Always fun. Particularly if there's

53:52

someone who doesn't use the chopsticks at the meal and

53:54

has to use a fork. Yeah. What would you

53:57

think of those people? Do you think they're worse

53:59

than the people who have?

53:59

a steak done well done.

54:01

Yeah, I think it's I

54:04

think it's I never used to ready use a

54:06

chopsticks actually until I was about 10

54:09

years ago actually, I never could

54:11

do it. Yeah. But one time I was

54:13

on a flight from Sydney to Tokyo and I sat

54:15

next to a Japanese lady.

54:17

And I just observed her and I

54:19

learned everything from Why

54:23

are you looking at me for

54:25

waiting for you in a phone box and you sat next to the room

54:27

and you didn't know and watched her hands for the whole flight. Yeah,

54:29

well, I wanted to see what she was doing with

54:31

her chopsticks. Yeah, I learned everything from

54:33

that. You didn't ask it. Did you talk to

54:36

and say, what's the secret?

54:37

Yeah, I mean, the way you paint it

54:40

in a very different light. But you

54:42

know, I think it was, it wasn't

54:44

like we were having a big long chat the whole

54:46

flight. But it wasn't like I didn't say anything either.

54:48

You know, we would have had a couple of exchanges. It was

54:51

very nice food. You're having the Japanese

54:55

dish as well. You're very nice. Yes.

54:58

The something like that. You're very nice. No,

55:01

the sashimi is not your very nice.

55:03

You said to her, you're having the Japanese as

55:05

well. You're very nice. I thought you said

55:07

that as well.

55:07

But well, yes, she was. She

55:10

was very nice. She was very nice

55:12

person, you know, I didn't mean it like that.

55:14

But you observed her. Yeah, I observed

55:16

her. And now you live your life like her in all

55:18

in all ways. Or just the chopsticks.

55:21

Yeah, in some ways, I live

55:23

my life in that way, you know, because I

55:25

use it, the chopsticks with her. And

55:27

also, if I were to ever fly to

55:29

Japan again, I would be going there

55:32

for

55:33

a euthanasia session. Yeah.

55:35

Like she was, you know, she was going to the final

55:37

journey. She

55:40

said, she said, I've had enough, you know,

55:42

I've had, you

55:45

know, she said, I've got a

55:47

terrible disease and I've had a good

55:49

life, but I'm going back to see my family

55:51

and then it's a euthanasia session.

55:54

So I can assure you the fact I kept saying, you're

55:56

very nice and looking at her hands.

55:59

She wasn't bothered.

55:59

other day, guys. She was well beyond all that.

56:02

She just thought, if there's some weird pervert

56:04

looking at my hands, fine, let him. Within

56:07

minutes of getting off the

56:09

plane, she was dead. She actually went

56:13

straight into... She didn't even bother going

56:15

through immigration. She didn't even bother re-entering

56:18

her own nation. Just as soon as she

56:21

got into the sort of the arrivals area, they

56:23

just put an injection in her and off she

56:25

went. I

56:28

mean, in some ways it wasn't strictly euthanasia.

56:30

It was more of an assassination. Yeah.

56:33

But she knew about it. It was a pretty awkward

56:35

one. Yeah. In fact, she had said to me, please

56:37

help me. I'm in danger. There's

56:40

assassins. I'm going back to Japan.

56:42

I want to go back. I've lived my whole life

56:44

in exile in Sydney. But there's

56:46

a danger. I said, don't worry. I'll

56:49

be looking out for you. Don't worry. If I'm here, you'll

56:51

be safe. She felt, I think,

56:54

comforted to know that I had her back.

56:56

I was going to be. And as

56:59

soon as these people

57:01

all went round with syringes

57:04

and chloroform

57:06

and poison darts and various other killing

57:09

methods, as soon as they did that, I just said,

57:12

oh, transfers this

57:14

way. I was off. I was

57:16

off. Yeah. There's too much to

57:18

handle. There's a lot for you to take on all at once,

57:21

isn't it? So... We've all had that happen. On

57:24

a plane, you bond with someone on the plane.

57:26

And then you say, oh, we'll keep in touch. Yeah, yeah.

57:28

And oh,

57:29

you're taking the same flight, are

57:31

you, too? Yeah, I'll see you on there.

57:34

And then they just give you the slip. And

57:36

then you never see them again. Similar to that,

57:38

but much worse. Because

57:42

I had promised that I would protect her.

57:44

I would protect her life. She

57:47

said to me, you're a stranger,

57:49

but we have a connection now because you are

57:51

guaranteeing my life. You're going to protect me. And

57:54

she said that shows what decency

57:56

you have as a human being, because ultimately

57:59

you will...

57:59

protect me and I said well it

58:02

doesn't really matter that I don't know you that's just

58:04

what one does for another human being

58:06

another we're all part of one human

58:08

race and so I'm going to protect you

58:10

I didn't. No

58:13

she was into the arms of the assassins.

58:15

Do you remember her

58:17

name? Yes yes I remember

58:19

her name. But you can't say it out loud? No I can't

58:21

say it for legal reasons. But you hold it in

58:23

your heart you think of it every day? Every time you use chopsticks.

58:26

Every time I use chopsticks I

58:28

think of her name.

58:30

And every time I don't use

58:33

chopsticks the other times of the day when I'm not using

58:35

chopsticks I also think of her

58:37

because I think well I sent her to her

58:40

death.

58:43

It was my fault. So I

58:46

think of

58:47

her all the time really it weighs

58:50

heavily on my conscience but when I'm using

58:52

chopsticks that's when I say her name over and over again.

58:54

Sort of like a mantra.

58:57

Which is ironically a hotel. Which

59:00

I stayed in a different one to you. Yeah a different one to me. One

59:03

step ahead.

59:08

Your dream drink Paul. Well

59:11

I wanted a question about when's

59:13

the drink administered sort of thing because. Whenever

59:15

you want. Yeah well that's the point. I

59:18

mean do I choose one

59:20

drink. Like for example I might like

59:22

a Pawnstar Martini. Yeah. It's a really

59:24

nice drink that didn't even exist like 12 years

59:26

ago. It's amazing. Yeah. Someone just invented that 12 years

59:29

ago. But I might want that. I wouldn't want it for the

59:31

whole thing. I wouldn't want that with the Dover Sashimi.

59:33

Well we could give you maybe the Pawnstar

59:36

Martini when you when you come into the restaurant.

59:38

That's like the welcoming drink. Yeah welcoming

59:40

drink. And then we could give you another drink for the

59:42

food. So it's just one drink. So it's not

59:44

very sophisticated. No no we could

59:46

give you a different drink. I mean you know normally

59:49

with a tasting menu you have a different. You can have a different

59:51

drink. You can do that. You can do that. Well why didn't

59:53

you say that earlier. We wait

59:55

for people to hack the format.

59:58

Oh I see you wait for people. Yeah.

59:59

can have a ponstar martini when you arrive. Yeah, I have

1:00:02

that when I arrive. Yes. So, and

1:00:04

that's champagne and. A ponstar

1:00:06

martini is like that passoa, isn't

1:00:09

it? It's that passion fruit. And it's

1:00:11

often got a half passion fruit in the top that they set

1:00:13

fire to. It's got a half passion fruit in the top. And then it comes with

1:00:15

a little shot of praseco, doesn't

1:00:18

it? Right. Yeah, so you're doing that. But

1:00:20

I'll change that for a shot of

1:00:22

quail and champagne.

1:00:25

Flat. As flat champagne aspic.

1:00:28

Yeah. So I can have a bit more. Yeah, yeah.

1:00:30

So I have that as my shot. Yeah.

1:00:34

Do you like ponstars? Do I like ponstars?

1:00:36

Yeah, I think they're great. You know, I would have expected

1:00:38

you to drink a ponstar martini. It's not something

1:00:40

I would have. No, I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have guessed that.

1:00:42

With you. Well, I like sweet flavors

1:00:45

like passion fruits. Nice. And I

1:00:47

also find it. I say funny. I mean, it's just

1:00:49

a good example of marketing, isn't it? Because

1:00:52

it's got

1:00:52

nothing to do with ponstars at all. It just sounds

1:00:54

like it's like the person who invented that cocktail.

1:00:57

What's it called?

1:00:58

Slow, comfortable screw or

1:01:00

something. Against the wall. Against the

1:01:02

wall. And they thought, aren't I being clever? And it's going to really

1:01:04

take off. It didn't take off. Yeah. It's

1:01:06

just a novelty. No one actually gets it. Occasionally,

1:01:09

it's on a menu. People say, can I have

1:01:11

a slow, comfortable screw against the wall? Ha, ha,

1:01:14

ha. And then someone else says, um,

1:01:16

hmm. I can see what's all the evening is turning into.

1:01:19

You know, a little joke like that. It's all part of the flirtation.

1:01:21

It's all part of the night.

1:01:22

Yeah. But it's harmless. It's harmless.

1:01:25

Harmless. It's not always harmless. No. Not

1:01:27

in the case of that Japanese lady. Because

1:01:30

the flirtation turned into death.

1:01:33

Was that what started her being hunted

1:01:35

down then?

1:01:36

A conversation like that. She

1:01:39

asked for a slow, comfortable screw against the wall.

1:01:41

Yeah, she asked for a slow, comfortable

1:01:43

screw against the wall. I said, did you say shot

1:01:45

against the wall? She

1:01:48

said, oh, that sounds fun. A shot

1:01:50

against the wall. Is that like a shot of

1:01:52

something?

1:01:54

As I stand

1:01:56

against the wall, sounds fun. I said, well, you'll

1:01:58

find out as soon as you get off this place. So you

1:02:01

had her killed. Yeah, I, this

1:02:03

is one of the reasons why the guilt is

1:02:05

so heavy on me.

1:02:07

I was the one. In fact, I haven't

1:02:09

really explained the story.

1:02:12

When we got off the plane, I said, I'll protect you.

1:02:14

I've just got to the pop to the, to the Lou, you see.

1:02:16

Then I came back as the

1:02:18

assassin. Yeah. I say,

1:02:20

hello. You know, would you like

1:02:23

to get against the wall if you're shot? And

1:02:25

she was shot. You know, so it was me. I was the,

1:02:28

I was the assassin all along. I went back

1:02:30

into the Lou came back as me. She was

1:02:33

like, where were you to protect me? And then there was

1:02:35

a sort of a moment as she lay there

1:02:37

dying when she realized that I

1:02:40

was both all along and she was like, you were the

1:02:42

assassin. And I said, that's right,

1:02:44

crystal.

1:02:45

Cause that was, cause that was

1:02:47

my pet name for her as

1:02:50

it happens quite coincidentally,

1:02:52

the same one I've got for him. Well, I'm

1:02:54

scared now. Scared for my life. It's

1:02:56

the same one, but anyway, that was her. And you were the last

1:02:58

thing she saw. Was she looking at you as she died?

1:03:01

Well, I wouldn't

1:03:04

say that no. Cause you still had a connecting flight

1:03:06

to, to, to Kyoto. Did

1:03:09

she make that? Oh yeah. She

1:03:11

made that. She was, she was, she was severely

1:03:14

injured. She made it through

1:03:16

the connected flights. It's only

1:03:17

a 45 minute flight James. Yeah. Short

1:03:20

flight. You're only 30 minutes in transit.

1:03:22

You're straight on the flight. I mean, I don't know what sort

1:03:24

of death you think she had, but it wasn't, wasn't that quick.

1:03:27

Well, I mean, I don't know what sort of a

1:03:29

death I think she had at one point. She was, she

1:03:31

was injected with something.

1:03:32

Another point they surrounded her and injected

1:03:35

her and like a poison

1:03:37

dance and all sorts. And now it's you shooting her.

1:03:39

And then she got, I don't know how she's

1:03:41

died. I don't know how she's died on this connecting

1:03:44

flight. No, no. I mean, she, she, she pulled

1:03:46

through. She put, she's alive. She's

1:03:48

still alive. She's still alive.

1:03:50

She was injured, injured in

1:03:53

many ways, quite shaken. Yeah. But

1:03:55

she's still alive. Oh good. Well, good.

1:03:57

She's living a happy life. Yeah. I still write to him.

1:03:59

pen pals. So

1:04:02

you got a porn star martini as you arrive. Yeah.

1:04:04

But then what drinks do you want with the different courses?

1:04:06

Do you have how many, how many different drinks do you

1:04:09

want? Well, could I have 12? Yeah.

1:04:11

Yeah. Well, and you said 12 with 12 in

1:04:13

mind. Or have you said 12? And

1:04:15

now you've got to think of 12 drinks. I've said 12.

1:04:18

And I've got about four in mind. And now I've got to quickly

1:04:21

think of my yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, the feeling you know

1:04:23

what that's like. When you're on a podcast,

1:04:25

and you say something silly. And

1:04:28

then you think,

1:04:29

what have I done? Yeah, I felt a bit

1:04:31

like that with that story about that.

1:04:33

When I said about me going into the loo, I thought,

1:04:36

that doesn't really tie into the those

1:04:39

people surrounding her with the poison darts.

1:04:41

But I thought, I'm sure James would just roll.

1:04:43

He's not gonna pick me up on that. He won't mention

1:04:46

it. He's not gonna say although there was a,

1:04:48

there was something in the story didn't make sense. He won't

1:04:50

mention it. He'll just let it go. But you

1:04:52

did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:04:55

And then, and then I said she's still

1:04:57

alive. The whole story kind of fell apart

1:04:59

at that point, didn't it? No, no, I think

1:05:01

we've got a very clear view

1:05:03

of that story. You think it's clear.

1:05:05

Yeah, we know everything that happened in that story is

1:05:07

very clear. Right. Well, Pino de Chiron.

1:05:10

Yeah, that would be one of my drinks. Are we including

1:05:13

the Pawnstown Martini? Pawnstown Martini is one

1:05:15

of the 12. Yeah.

1:05:16

Pino de Chiron. Yeah. Because

1:05:18

I was that makes you sound sophisticated to order something

1:05:20

like that. Yeah, yeah. Pino de Chiron. So

1:05:23

I have that as a peritif. Yeah.

1:05:25

Campari and soda. Oh,

1:05:28

it's a classic, isn't it? Yeah, it's lovely. It's perfect

1:05:30

for a reason. It's bitter. I love bitter

1:05:32

flavors. Yeah. I love all the, I

1:05:34

used to think that I wasn't very sophisticated like

1:05:37

with wine because I like all the wines,

1:05:40

but then I realized that's because I like all the flavors.

1:05:42

I like, I like sweet. I like bitter. I

1:05:44

like sour. I like umami,

1:05:46

the fourth flavor.

1:05:49

Yeah. And, and also I don't like

1:05:51

the fifth flavor. What's the fifth flavor?

1:05:53

Shit. It's

1:05:56

not good, is it? Even in a. But

1:06:01

even in a small dose, it's not good. It

1:06:03

never adds to it. It's not good.

1:06:05

It's horrible. It's a horrible flavour.

1:06:08

Bitter, sweet, sour. We're

1:06:11

momming. And shit.

1:06:13

I'm done. We've got a lot of drinks to get through

1:06:15

here, Paul. Yeah, it's just alright. Alright, Ed. Sorry.

1:06:19

Sorry, I just...

1:06:21

We've had three, haven't

1:06:23

we? I believe so. Yeah, so... Have

1:06:26

we? Yeah, we've had three. Let's not

1:06:28

go through the order game. I hate

1:06:30

that. Three. Please.

1:06:33

Actually, let's keep going through it. Let's keep adding

1:06:35

one and then having to go through them. Yeah, yeah. Paul

1:06:38

star Martino. Martini.

1:06:39

Peanut de Chiron.

1:06:42

Campari and soda. Yeah, after that,

1:06:45

sherry. Mmm. Yeah, have a sherry. I

1:06:48

love your sherry. Not sherry.

1:06:49

Then after that,

1:06:51

chardonnay. Nice chardonnay. Yeah. Nice

1:06:54

wine. Yeah, very nice. After that,

1:06:57

a nice other white wine.

1:07:00

Another white wine. Any white wine. Riesling.

1:07:03

Yeah. Have a Riesling. Yeah,

1:07:05

you like Riesling. After that, can I

1:07:07

have shit juice but not have

1:07:09

it? Just leave that one. So it's one

1:07:11

of the drinks but I'll leave it so I only drink 11 of them.

1:07:15

Yes. Shit juice. Shit

1:07:17

juice but you're not going to have

1:07:19

it. Taste of shit. Yeah. It's

1:07:22

the essence of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're

1:07:25

not going to have it. But you're not going to have it,

1:07:27

you just put it there. Yes. How

1:07:30

good you've got it. Yeah. Yeah. But

1:07:33

it's not actually shit. Because it reminds me of, you know there's that thing

1:07:35

at the, the Macnordin

1:07:37

art thing in Hope art in that museum

1:07:41

there. Yeah. Where they've got a machine

1:07:43

that makes human shit. Well,

1:07:45

I didn't know that. So they've like

1:07:48

forgot a machine that they put food into

1:07:50

and in every way imitates

1:07:52

a great big machine. Yeah. Exactly

1:07:54

the same chemicals that are in the human body. Wow. And

1:07:57

it makes shit. And it takes the exact same amount of time right so people

1:07:59

turn up.

1:07:59

the museum to see the machine poop. Have

1:08:02

you been there? No but I've read about it. Yeah so it comes

1:08:05

out the poop but it's not real poo because

1:08:07

it's kind of is real but isn't.

1:08:09

Sure. Because it's just like chemical.

1:08:12

Wow. So I'd have the same I'd make

1:08:14

the I'd make it chemically yeah

1:08:16

sort of chemical shit flavouring.

1:08:18

Yeah so you want it from that machine? Yeah

1:08:21

from that machine. Yeah from hope bar.

1:08:23

The essence of shit from that museum

1:08:25

and hope bar.

1:08:26

Yeah. Actually I'll tell you what I might

1:08:28

do one of my favourite flavours

1:08:30

is bubble gum flavour and

1:08:33

did you know that bubble gum flavour

1:08:35

is made from banana and strawberry but

1:08:37

it's it's a special chemical thing

1:08:40

so it's only one aspect

1:08:42

of the chemicals that make banana and

1:08:44

one aspect of the chemicals that make strawberry.

1:08:47

I

1:08:47

didn't know that. I didn't know that at all. So it's just

1:08:49

like one bit of the sort

1:08:52

of thing so I could do the same with shit just

1:08:54

like a little bit of the shit. I thought

1:08:56

you were going to have a bubble gum flavoured thing

1:08:59

but no you're still on the shit juice.

1:09:02

Yeah actually I've changed my mind. Can I yeah I'll have

1:09:05

a bubble gum. Bubble gum flavoured drink.

1:09:07

Yeah bubble gum flavoured drink. Instead of the shit juice. Yeah

1:09:09

say forget the shit juice it's disgusting I don't want

1:09:12

it. So you've done seven so far you've got five more

1:09:14

drinks to go I'm glad you're not having shit juice Paul. It's

1:09:16

horrible. Yeah yeah bubble

1:09:17

gum. Bubble gum juice. Juice.

1:09:19

Bubble gum stuff. Yeah

1:09:22

and then

1:09:23

maybe some nice red wine. Yeah maybe

1:09:27

a light one. A light red wine.

1:09:29

Light red wine. Yeah

1:09:30

and then a heavy one. Yeah nice heavy

1:09:33

French red wine. Balance it out. Yeah balance

1:09:35

it out. Can I have chartreuse?

1:09:37

Yes. Yeah because I like that. Yeah

1:09:40

and I've got like a bit of a relationship with chartreuse.

1:09:42

Yeah. Or many I don't know sometimes it's

1:09:45

the drink I go to after having had many

1:09:47

other drinks I always go to a chartreuse. Oh.

1:09:50

One time I landed in Brazil

1:09:52

and

1:09:53

I must have had a few wines on a plane because

1:09:55

when we got off I kept going on about

1:09:57

let's go to a favela and then

1:09:59

I kept saying I didn't have any chateuse.

1:10:02

And the favelas? Yeah, I was a danger. I could

1:10:05

have died that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:10:07

Two more drinks, Paul? Two, a Chambord.

1:10:10

Lovely.

1:10:11

I had an incident once at Terminal 3,

1:10:13

Heathrow Terminal 3, Chambord. What

1:10:16

happened to you that? Was that killing another woman?

1:10:18

A key royale station. Champagne

1:10:21

with Chambord. But I was particularly

1:10:24

having a bit of Chambord. And then I kept saying,

1:10:26

just one more Chambord. Just

1:10:29

one more Chambord. Then eventually they said you

1:10:31

have to

1:10:32

get onto your aircraft now or it will leave.

1:10:35

Air travel seems to be a real issue for you. A lot of

1:10:37

the sort of hot points in your life come during

1:10:39

air travel. Well, at the time I've assassinated

1:10:41

people. Yeah, but then there's the favelas

1:10:44

chartreuse incident and then Heathrow.

1:10:46

One more Chambord.

1:10:49

Yes, it has been a flashpoint. It's

1:10:53

a danger. And your final

1:10:55

drink? Final drink. You've got one more drink left.

1:10:58

Final one. The final. Maybe it is your

1:11:00

final one ever. Do you want it to be? Oh, what

1:11:02

like

1:11:02

that horrible stuff they give you in dignity, you mean? That's

1:11:05

a drink, isn't it? Yeah, maybe. I don't

1:11:07

think I want that. I don't want that. It'll be nice.

1:11:10

No, something nice. What about

1:11:12

nice glass of milk? Yes, a

1:11:15

nice glass of milk. Semi-skimmed? Skimmed?

1:11:17

Full fat? Full fat. Yeah. I

1:11:20

did that once again on a plane. Because

1:11:23

I was on a plane at Bermuda and

1:11:25

it was nine in the morning. And they said, would

1:11:27

you like a drink before takeoff? And I said a gin

1:11:29

and orange, which is seen as very eccentric,

1:11:31

because it's like flying

1:11:32

to New York. It's an American Airlines flight

1:11:34

to New York. You do not order a gin and

1:11:36

orange at nine in the morning in America.

1:11:39

They were just like, what? Gin

1:11:41

and orange. And then I drank

1:11:43

it. And I was ever so slightly tipsy because I'd

1:11:45

had a gin and orange before even takeoff.

1:11:48

And I wrote some comedy about the fat

1:11:50

dove. It was a dove who was really fat. It

1:11:53

was quite successful. I did

1:11:55

it in one of my shows. And then later, the...

1:11:59

Karen Koo person

1:12:01

came through and said, what would you like?

1:12:04

And I thought, I've got to really

1:12:06

come out with something here. Because she's

1:12:08

thinking, oh, I'm going to say

1:12:10

gin and orange. So I just said a glass of milk, please.

1:12:13

And she just said, good comeback. She

1:12:16

knew, she knew I had Foxta. She

1:12:19

knew I outplayed her. Because she

1:12:21

was like, she knew that she thought

1:12:23

was thinking I was going to say, oh, another gin orange. She was going

1:12:25

to be like, another gin orange. That's what

1:12:27

you want, is still only a quarter

1:12:30

to 10 in the morning. She wouldn't

1:12:32

have said

1:12:33

that obviously, because she's a

1:12:35

professional. She'd done it with her eyes.

1:12:37

Or she'd have, I'd just said something

1:12:40

like a coffee and she said,

1:12:43

you know, have a coffee.

1:12:46

Had too much gin, did you earlier? Having a coffee.

1:12:49

But I absolutely outplayed

1:12:51

her. Glass

1:12:54

of milk.

1:12:59

We arrive at your dream dessert, Paul. Ah,

1:13:01

yes.

1:13:02

Can I have souffle? Because souffle is so

1:13:04

fun, isn't it? Yeah, it's brilliant. And

1:13:06

I was thinking about flavour.

1:13:09

And then I was thinking about rambutan.

1:13:11

I like rambutan. I don't know what rambutan

1:13:14

is. Well, it's a bit like a lychee,

1:13:16

isn't it? But different, slight different flavour.

1:13:19

And it's really lovely flavour. Again,

1:13:22

you've just got all the flavour in the souffle. No need,

1:13:24

a bit like the soup. It's no need to bother

1:13:26

with all like peeling the rambutan and getting the

1:13:28

thing and getting the stone out, just get straight

1:13:30

into the flavour. And then I was thinking

1:13:32

about other things like lychee I love and passion

1:13:35

fruit, and all the other fruits.

1:13:37

And then I was thinking like when I was in Penang

1:13:40

in Malaysia, and like I had

1:13:42

all these fruits that I've never heard of before

1:13:44

since with amazing flavours. Yeah. So

1:13:46

could I have a special souffle?

1:13:49

So every mouthful, it's a different

1:13:51

fruit. Yeah,

1:13:52

of course you can. Absolutely. So each

1:13:54

mouthful it changes. That sounds delicious.

1:13:56

Yeah. I know. Dessert souffle.

1:13:58

It's very special.

1:13:59

They are very nice. Yes. And

1:14:02

could I have violet flavor? I know that's not a fruit,

1:14:04

but could I have that as one of my flavors? Like a parma

1:14:06

violet flavor. Yeah, like a violet flavor. Wow. A

1:14:08

parma violet flavor. And rose flavor. I like rose.

1:14:11

I like the idea you can get a rose and make

1:14:14

that into cooking. Yeah, it's mad. It's brilliant, isn't

1:14:16

it? Yeah, that is bonkers. So you want rose, you

1:14:18

want violet.

1:14:19

You want lychee. You want mambutan.

1:14:21

Passion fruit. Passion fruit. I want

1:14:23

dragon fruit. Yeah. Which I

1:14:26

always used to be disappointed by because it looks so pretty

1:14:28

from the outside and not so much inside.

1:14:30

But then I

1:14:31

realized there's a real delicacy

1:14:34

to the flavor. You have to be prepared

1:14:36

to probe

1:14:37

into the flavor of the dragon

1:14:40

fruit. Yeah. You can't just be, you know, you've got

1:14:42

to be sophisticated. Yeah. So

1:14:45

those are some of the flavors. Got one flavor to

1:14:47

be like a certain aspect of a banana

1:14:49

and another flavor to be a certain aspect of a strawberry.

1:14:52

Yeah, so we have that. Yeah. Bubblegum

1:14:54

flavor. Yeah. And cherry flavor.

1:14:57

Sour cherry flavor. Oh, yeah. Now,

1:15:00

I did something about three

1:15:02

years ago, which was I went to

1:15:04

Greece. Yeah. And I was with a

1:15:07

friend of mine. And then we went to Piraeus.

1:15:09

We spent some time in Greece. Then we went to Piraeus,

1:15:11

which is that port because we were taking a boat

1:15:13

somewhere. And he said, would you like

1:15:16

a drink?

1:15:16

Because we were waiting for the ferry. And

1:15:19

I said, because I hadn't had it for like 25

1:15:21

years, sour cherry

1:15:23

juice. Because we used to be able to get

1:15:25

that in Britain like 25 years ago. So I just said

1:15:27

it because I just thought, gets him out of my hair for

1:15:29

a bit. And to

1:15:31

my amazement, he comes back 30 seconds

1:15:34

later with sour cherry juice. They

1:15:36

sell it in Greece. Wow. In

1:15:38

Piraeus. That's where to get it. I had yesterday,

1:15:40

I had, there's that

1:15:42

cola that's called green cola. Are you

1:15:44

familiar with that, Brad? Oh, no. What's that? It's like

1:15:46

a diet cola, but it's all quite natural ingredients.

1:15:49

And it tastes a bit more

1:15:51

maybe botanical than some of a diet

1:15:53

colas. But it's very nice. One of the things they

1:15:56

do is sour cherry. Oh,

1:15:58

and that's not a sour cherry cola. It's just.

1:15:59

like sour cherry kind of fizzy drink.

1:16:02

And I had that yesterday as I was walking

1:16:05

here actually. And it

1:16:07

was very, very nice. I hadn't

1:16:09

had it before

1:16:10

and they really nailed it.

1:16:12

Well, how did you get me a can? I'd

1:16:14

like one. I finally, I knew. I finally, I

1:16:16

knew, but I got it from the Holland and Barrett.

1:16:18

Oh, well I'll go to Holland and Barrett and get one. Yeah. Do

1:16:21

you want the flavor of that in one of the spoonfuls of souffle? Yeah, the

1:16:24

flavor of that thing you've described to save me, I have to

1:16:26

go to Holland and Barrett to get it. Yeah,

1:16:28

yeah. Okay, great. I'll put that in there.

1:16:31

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now and see how you feel

1:16:33

about it. Yes. You want still

1:16:35

water. Yes. You want poppadoms of all the dips,

1:16:37

plus a cherry cola flavored poppadoms

1:16:40

sauce. Looks like poppadoms.

1:16:42

Yes. Darter, you want quail and

1:16:44

flat champagne aspic. Yes. Main

1:16:47

course Wagyu fillet steak, quite

1:16:49

rare with poppadom flavored cherry cola

1:16:51

sauce. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

1:16:54

Side dish Dover soles sashimi from

1:16:57

grunt. Drink you would like, well,

1:16:59

when you arrive, you want a porn star martini with

1:17:01

a shot of the aspic and she's jelly again. And

1:17:04

then you want pinot de grueo, is it?

1:17:06

Pinot de chiron. De chiron, Camparian

1:17:09

soda, she misses throughout the meal. Sherry,

1:17:11

Chardonnay, Riesling,

1:17:13

bubblegum juice, light red wine, a

1:17:15

heavy red wine, chartreuse, one

1:17:18

more chambord and a milk. I'm

1:17:20

glad I took out the shit juice.

1:17:22

It wouldn't have fitted. It wouldn't have. It wasn't right.

1:17:25

No. And the dessert, you want a souffle that changes

1:17:27

with every single mouth or changes flavor with each mouth.

1:17:30

How do you feel about that? I feel good. It

1:17:34

sounds like a great meal. I feel

1:17:36

like you've used the dream restaurant to its full

1:17:38

strengths. In that you've invented

1:17:41

things, there's magical dishes. There's

1:17:43

a lot going on. You admitted that you attempted

1:17:46

to kill a Japanese woman. Yes.

1:17:49

Yes. But very happy that she survived

1:17:51

in that story. You've admitted that you've

1:17:53

been making my life. I

1:17:55

actually never admitted that. He's been quiet throughout

1:17:57

the whole thing. Yes.

1:17:59

Yes, it's been stated.

1:18:01

You didn't deny it. No. You

1:18:04

have been buttering me up, literally.

1:18:06

Ed Gamble has been.

1:18:07

Yes, Ed Gamble has been buttering me up, literally,

1:18:10

in a series of travel loches around Britain.

1:18:13

Putting butter over me. Thank you so much, Paul, for

1:18:15

coming on. Thanks

1:18:18

James A. Caster. Thank you, Paul. Thanks Ed Gamble.

1:18:21

And Crystal. Well, there we are, James. Whoa!

1:18:24

Whoa.

1:18:29

I mean,

1:18:32

I knew the Paul Furt episode was going

1:18:34

to be something special. Yeah. But

1:18:37

that was bananas, man. What a ride. What

1:18:39

a ride. So many characters, so many tales. Yes.

1:18:42

That we got told. I don't know what to believe. What

1:18:44

was true? What wasn't? Who's

1:18:46

to say? I properly lost it on numerous occasions. Yeah.

1:18:49

I'm sure we'll release a video of Paul talking about

1:18:51

the different flavours in food. And what

1:18:53

is burp? Yeah. And what

1:18:55

is burp? That's all. I mean, man.

1:18:58

What a great episode.

1:18:59

Interesting menu as well. Didn't

1:19:01

say moist cake. Didn't say moist cake, but

1:19:04

you know, how could we have guessed what he was going to

1:19:06

say?

1:19:07

Yeah. The quail soup, whatever

1:19:09

it was with the jelly. Yeah.

1:19:11

The cubes of,

1:19:12

yeah, the cubes of Aspic. Man.

1:19:14

Great. I hope, you know what I hope this episode

1:19:16

does? I think most people who know about comedy

1:19:19

know Paul Foote and know he's brilliant. Yeah. But

1:19:21

I hope if people are listening, looking out for new comics to enjoy their

1:19:23

next favourite,

1:19:24

I think it might be Paul Foote. Has to be.

1:19:26

And you can go and see him do his new show, Dissolve,

1:19:29

is on tour. Yes. And it will

1:19:31

be fantastic. Yes. Thank you very

1:19:33

much for listening. We'll see you again next week.

1:19:35

Goodbye.

1:19:48

Hello, I'm

1:19:50

Sarah Pascoe. And I'm Carrie Adloid.

1:19:52

You might remember us from the peak of our careers,

1:19:55

appearing on the excellent Off Menu

1:19:57

podcast. It's the greatest we've ever felt.

1:19:59

and we know we'll never achieve that again. But

1:20:02

if you remember those episodes and enjoyed what we did,

1:20:04

you might be a fan of our book choices

1:20:07

and our new comedy podcast, Sarah and Carrie

1:20:09

Ed's Weirdos Book Club. Imagine

1:20:11

us not talking about food, but talking about books. But

1:20:14

with the comedians you know from off menu, like

1:20:16

Nish Kumar, John Kern, Sope Juka, and

1:20:18

more. We're not copying them, we're doing our own thing. It's

1:20:20

totally different. It's about books. It's about books.

1:20:23

There's no genies involved. It's a space for the lonely

1:20:25

outsider to feel accepted and appreciated. I'm

1:20:27

just like James A. Custer's bedroom. Ew.

1:20:30

A place for the person who'd like to be in a real book club, but

1:20:32

doesn't like wine or nibbles. You can read

1:20:34

along, share your opinions, or just skulk

1:20:36

around in your raincoat like the weirdo you are.

1:20:39

Thank you for reading with us. We

1:20:40

like reading with you. We've got the end in one as well.