0:03

You're listening to On Attachment,

0:06

a place to learn about how

0:08

attachment shapes the way we

0:10

experience relationships and where you'll gain

0:12

the guidance, knowledge, and practical

0:14

tools to overcome insecurity and build

0:16

healthy, thriving relationships. I'm

0:19

your host, relationship coach, Stephanie

0:21

Rigg, and I'm really glad you're

0:24

here. Hey,

0:29

everybody. Welcome back to another episode of

0:31

On Attachment. In today's episode,

0:33

we are talking all about the

0:35

power struggle stage of a relationship,

0:37

which is a stage that pretty

0:39

much every relationship will go through

0:41

and it can be really challenging.

0:43

It's the stage that follows the

0:45

honeymoon period and that initial period

0:47

where you're so swept up in

0:49

the love and the lust and

0:51

the excitement and the chemistry, that

0:53

fresh love feeling where You want

0:55

to spend every moment of every

0:57

day with your partner and they feel

1:00

the same way and everything

1:02

feels hopeful and optimistic and you

1:04

might be having these thoughts

1:06

and feelings like this person's the

1:08

one and finally I found

1:10

someone and it feels so great

1:12

and then it transitions into

1:14

something where there's a little more

1:16

friction, where you start to

1:18

rub each other the wrong way,

1:20

where you start to feel

1:22

annoyed or upset or disappointed and

1:24

The fall from grace can be

1:26

really jarring. And particularly if

1:28

you've got more anxious avoidant dynamics

1:30

at play, it can stir

1:32

up a lot of core wounds

1:35

on both sides and all of the

1:37

self -protective strategies that accompany those

1:39

core wounds. And that's where we

1:41

see a lot of the really

1:43

typical anxious avoidant conflict cycles starting

1:45

to bubble up. And we know

1:47

how hard that can be and

1:49

it can feel like you get

1:51

really stuck there. So today I'm

1:53

going to be talking about that.

1:55

and sharing some tips for navigating

1:57

the power struggle stage some things

1:59

that you should expect some ways of

2:01

approaching that both strategically and from a

2:03

mindset point of view because i

2:05

think it's really easy to find yourself

2:07

in that kind of dynamic a

2:09

panic obviously if you're more anxious that's

2:11

the inclination is oh no we've

2:13

gone from being really connected to feeling

2:15

disconnected or things feel a bit

2:18

wobbly or hard and that stirs within

2:20

you this sense of something's wrong.

2:22

Maybe I've done something wrong. Maybe I

2:24

need to do things differently and

2:26

going into overdrive, trying to fix it

2:28

and get things back to the

2:30

way they were. That's a really

2:32

common experience. So I want to share

2:34

some things today that will hopefully help you

2:36

to feel a little more prepared and

2:38

grounded if you're in a relationship that does

2:40

transition into this power struggle stage. And

2:43

as I said, almost all relationships will experience

2:45

some version of this so that you

2:47

can feel like it's not the end of

2:49

the world. It doesn't mean that it's

2:51

all over. It's almost just like growing pains

2:53

as we find our way into something

2:55

a little more steady and stable. So that's

2:58

what we're to be talking about today.

3:00

And I'll also share some signs that it

3:02

is just those growing pains versus some

3:04

signs of maybe it's not compatible or maybe

3:06

it's something to walk away from in

3:08

case you're left wondering should I be continuing

3:10

to invest in this now before we

3:12

get into today's episode a couple of quick

3:15

announcements just a reminder about some of

3:17

the free resources that I have on my

3:19

website I know a lot of you

3:21

have been signing up for the anxious attachment

3:23

starter kit over the past few weeks

3:25

which is really great because that is a

3:27

wonderful resource for anyone who hasn't signed

3:29

up for that yet or who's interested you

3:32

can head to my website there's a

3:34

freebies page on my website that has all

3:36

of the free resources listed, or it's

3:38

also linked in the show notes. But the

3:40

anxious attachment starter kit in particular is

3:42

a really comprehensive resource. It has a video

3:44

lesson about how I healed my own

3:47

anxious attachment. There's a workbook and there's also

3:49

a guided meditation, which is self -soothing affirmations

3:51

for anxious attachment. In addition to that,

3:53

I have a free masterclass on anxious avoidant

3:55

relationships, where anxious avoidant couples go wrong

3:57

and how to fix it. Again, that's a

3:59

really comprehensive resource. If you're in this

4:01

kind of dynamic and what we talk about

4:04

today, if that resonates with you, that

4:06

might be one to check out because it's

4:08

going to help you see the pattern

4:10

in a more neutral way so that you

4:12

can identify what's my part in this

4:14

dance. Where am I contributing to maybe the

4:16

unhealthy or dysfunctional patterns that we find

4:19

ourselves stuck in? And what should I be

4:21

focusing on to start cleaning up my

4:23

side of the street so that we can

4:25

start to shift out of some of

4:27

these patterns? As you know, if you're familiar

4:29

with my work, I am. an optimist

4:31

when it comes to these dynamics. I don't

4:33

think it's doomed. I don't think that

4:36

you should just give up and throw in

4:38

the towel and go and find a

4:40

secure partner. You're welcome to try and do

4:42

that. But I do think that there's

4:44

hope provided that certain conditions are met and

4:46

both people have a base level of

4:48

willingness and open heartedness. Okay. So let's talk

4:50

about the power struggle stage of a

4:53

relationship. Now, as I said in the introduction,

4:55

this typically follows the honeymoon period. And

4:57

I know that people will always ask. what

4:59

time period are we talking about?

5:01

Are we talking about after a month

5:04

or a year? And to be

5:06

honest, it's a little nebulous. I think

5:08

it depends a lot on the

5:10

circumstances and the pace at which your

5:12

relationship has progressed. So for some

5:14

people, they might stay in a honeymoon

5:16

kind of period for... year or

5:18

two years even. I mean, I think

5:20

two years would be a long

5:22

time to be in the honeymoon period.

5:24

For others, it might be a

5:26

month. And the reason for that is

5:28

it's much less about a period

5:30

of time and more about the backdrop

5:32

to the relationship. And I think

5:34

that when we're in the honeymoon period,

5:36

it's usually characterized by lots of

5:38

excitement and optimism and time spent together,

5:40

but with relatively low pressure

5:42

and expectation. And I think

5:44

when we're in that honeymoon period,

5:46

we probably haven't really voiced

5:48

many needs. We maybe haven't gone

5:51

through hard things together. We're

5:53

really on cloud nine and it

5:55

all just feels like light

5:57

and fun and connected and exciting.

6:00

The power struggle stage tends

6:02

to arise and we tend

6:04

to find ourselves transitioning into

6:07

it when maybe we start

6:09

to have more expectations of

6:11

a partner. Maybe. we start

6:13

to assert more of ourselves. Maybe we

6:15

start to be a little more honest

6:17

about our needs or our preferences. Again,

6:19

in that honeymoon period, we tend to

6:21

be really like go with the flow

6:23

and we give someone the benefit of

6:25

the doubt and we don't want to

6:27

be too serious. So we kind of

6:29

park all of that stuff. Whereas in

6:31

the power struggle stage, we start to

6:33

occupy a little more space and we

6:35

do have more expectations of a partner.

6:37

And so what we might've originally brushed

6:39

off or not been bothered by, we

6:41

start to think we're in a proper

6:43

relationship now and we should be able

6:45

to talk about this, or I should

6:47

be able to tell you that thing

6:49

annoyed me. Or when you showed up

6:51

10 minutes late, actually, I'm not okay

6:53

with that. Whereas at the start, you

6:55

might've been a little bit more flexible

6:57

or easy breezy or whatever, because you

6:59

didn't want to be too serious or

7:01

bring down the vibe. And so all

7:03

of these things start to come up

7:05

in the power struggle stage. Another really

7:07

common signifier that you're

7:09

in this stage is that things

7:11

that you originally were attracted to

7:14

start to grate on you or

7:16

you start to find annoying and

7:18

that can be because often at

7:20

the very start of a relationship

7:22

whether we realize it or not

7:24

we're drawn to traits and qualities

7:26

in someone that are very different

7:28

to us that are the opposite

7:30

of us. So you might be

7:32

really drawn to someone's exuberance or

7:34

confidence, and that might be really

7:36

intriguing to you and you find

7:38

yourself quite magnetized towards that quality.

7:41

But as you transition into the

7:43

power struggle stage, what you originally

7:45

interpreted and perceived as confidence, you

7:47

might start to read that as

7:49

arrogance and it might really trigger

7:51

you. Similarly, you might be really

7:53

drawn to someone's free spirited nature

7:55

at the start. And you think

7:57

that's just so amazing that they're

7:59

so free spirited. But in the

8:01

power struggle stage, you start to

8:03

see that free spiritedness as flaky

8:05

and unreliable, right? And oftentimes it's

8:08

because they are different to you.

8:10

So you might be drawn to

8:12

the free spiritedness of someone. from

8:14

a place of being quite rigid yourself

8:16

and so that feels like wow look

8:18

at this creature who's so different to

8:20

me but then when you're in the

8:22

power struggle stage and the veneer has

8:24

worn off a little you're like oh

8:26

this person's so different to me and

8:28

I'm starting to see that I do

8:31

have to compromise on those things and

8:33

that can bring up some friction and

8:35

some irritation. So those are some of

8:37

the signs that you might be venturing

8:39

into this power struggle territory, that you're

8:41

starting to have little conflicts. You're starting

8:43

to get annoyed with each other. You

8:45

may be communicating less. There's maybe less

8:47

physical affection, maybe less sexual

8:49

intimacy. That can be a really big

8:51

one that, you know, if you

8:54

can't give your hands off each other

8:56

at the start and you have

8:58

this really passionate sex life, and then

9:00

it starts to give way to

9:02

something that feels a little less steamy

9:04

and a little more routine. All

9:06

of these can be signs that you're

9:09

in that power struggle stage. Now,

9:11

as you're listening to this, you might

9:13

be nodding in recognition, knowing that

9:15

you've been in that power struggle experience

9:17

before, maybe you're in it right

9:19

now. And I think what makes this

9:21

all the more challenging is if

9:24

you are coming from anxious avoidant attachment

9:26

dynamics. you would know,

9:28

particularly on the anxious attachment side,

9:30

that anything that feels like less

9:32

connection, less closeness, less warmth, less

9:34

fun, less affection, right? Like anything

9:36

that feels like a step down

9:38

is going to be super triggering

9:40

because it's going to bring you

9:42

into contact with your abandonment fears,

9:44

your fear of rejection, your unworthiness,

9:46

this sense of they liked me

9:48

and now they like me less.

9:50

So what have I done? Why

9:53

are they annoyed at me? Why

9:55

are we fighting? How do I

9:57

get back? to where we were.

9:59

And I think when you don't

10:01

have the context for this, you

10:03

don't know that the power struggle

10:05

stage is actually completely normal. It's

10:07

really easy to internalize everything that's

10:09

going on, take it very personally,

10:11

feel very hurt, very confused, very

10:13

rejected. And that can then trigger

10:15

all of your behaviors. Things like

10:17

testing and maybe sulking or really

10:19

shrinking and trying to occupy less

10:21

space do whatever you can tiptoe

10:23

around it because you you are

10:25

taking on this sense of having

10:28

done something wrong that you start

10:30

shape -shifting and just like trying to

10:32

be whatever you need to be

10:34

in order to get things back

10:36

to where they were because that

10:38

tends not to happen. We don't

10:40

tend to go back into the

10:42

honeymoon period from the power struggle

10:44

stage. Relationships move forward, they evolve,

10:46

they mature. You feel this

10:48

sense of failure and wrongness, like

10:50

why isn't it working? I don't

10:53

know what I'm doing wrong here.

10:55

And so that tends to really

10:57

fuel your anxious loops. And

10:59

that cycle of shame that you

11:01

can get stuck in where the core

11:03

belief that's like, I must be

11:05

doing something wrong. People always leave me.

11:07

This always happens. I can feel

11:09

it. They're pulling away. That then triggers

11:11

all of your behaviors that can

11:13

actually. bring to fruition the

11:16

thing you fear most, right? The

11:18

pushing and the clinging and

11:20

the anxious bids for reassurance all

11:22

the time can trigger them into

11:24

further withdrawal or further feeling unsure

11:26

about the relationship, particularly if they're

11:28

coming from the more avoidant side.

11:30

And let's talk about that.

11:32

So the avoidant side for you

11:35

in the power struggle stage as

11:37

an anxious person, you're being brought

11:39

into contact with those fears around,

11:41

they're going to leave me. They

11:43

don't like me anymore. Maybe I

11:45

revealed too much of myself and

11:48

they didn't like what they

11:50

saw. The avoidant person, remembering that

11:52

their stuff, their core wounds are

11:54

around feeling inadequate, feeling like a

11:56

disappointment, really wanting to be

11:58

seen as good and successful, but

12:00

feeling like people always want more

12:02

from me than I can give

12:05

them. I always end up disappointing

12:07

people. And then the whole set

12:09

of fears around feeling smothered, feeling

12:11

controlled, a loss of self. And

12:13

so while at the beginning of

12:15

a relationship, someone with more avoidant

12:17

patterns isn't really triggered in those

12:19

ways because it is, you know,

12:21

light and fun and connected and

12:23

their partner tends to think the

12:26

world of them and they can

12:28

do no wrong. Anxious partners tend

12:30

to really put avoidant partners on

12:32

a pedestal at the start and

12:34

vice versa, I would say. But

12:36

certainly for an anxious partner who

12:38

just thinks that the avoidant person

12:40

they're dating is so amazing and

12:42

they're so infatuated. That feels so

12:44

good for someone with avoidant attachment

12:46

who does have these fears around

12:49

being unsuccessful, being a disappointment, being

12:51

inadequate or a failure. And so

12:53

when the anxious partner starts

12:55

to come up with more

12:57

things of like, you know, you've

12:59

let me down or I'm not satisfied

13:01

or you're not meeting my needs

13:03

or all of a sudden starting to

13:05

assert more of these things that

13:07

they might've been letting slide to begin

13:09

with. That can really. hurt for

13:11

the avoidant partner, they can start to

13:13

go, you know, what changed here?

13:15

You were happy with me and now

13:17

you're upset with me all the

13:19

time. And that can really trigger their

13:21

patterns of deactivation and withdrawal. Once

13:24

the anxious partner responds to that

13:26

with all of the behaviors I

13:28

was just talking about, all of

13:30

those activating strategies of I have

13:32

to try and reverse this or

13:34

get closer or see what's going

13:36

on, get reassurance, then that tends

13:38

to trigger the avoidant partner's fear

13:40

of engulfment, of being smothered, of

13:42

being controlled. And that contributes to

13:44

this overall impression for the avoidant

13:46

partner of things were good and

13:48

now they're too hard or this

13:50

is feeling not good anymore. Particularly

13:52

if the avoidant person in this

13:54

example is maybe lacking a little in

13:56

self -awareness, it's really easy for them

13:59

to convince themselves that maybe this

14:01

just isn't the right person. And then

14:03

that can lead them. into all

14:05

of their withdrawal, pulling away and potentially

14:07

even leaving the relationship. So that

14:09

is one of the real challenges of

14:11

an anxious avoidant dynamic in this

14:14

power struggle stage is it serves up

14:16

on a platter, all of your

14:18

stuff on both sides, and it can

14:20

be really triggering. And so if

14:22

it's not handled with a level of

14:24

awareness and strategy, I would say,

14:26

not in the sense of like game

14:28

playing, but more in terms of

14:31

knowing yourself and dealing with it in

14:33

an informed way. It's really easy

14:35

to just follow those cycles into a

14:37

place of either the relationship dissolving

14:39

because the anxious partner ramps up, the

14:41

avoidant partner pulls away and ultimately

14:43

isn't invested enough to stick around. And

14:45

so pulls the pin and walks

14:48

away. The anxious person is left feeling

14:50

abandoned and rejected and confused about

14:52

what they did. wrong or you stay

14:54

in it but you keep swirling

14:56

around. And this power struggle stage, while

14:58

it's certainly possible to then transition

15:00

into something more steady and stable, a

15:02

lot of people stay in some

15:05

version of the power struggle for months

15:07

and years. Some people will have

15:09

a whole lifetime, a marriage of 30

15:11

years that is just the power

15:13

struggle stage. So depending on the nature

15:15

of the people involved, some people

15:17

will stay in it, others will pull

15:20

the pin and it will unravel.

15:22

So let's talk about some strategies for

15:24

actually getting through the power struggle

15:26

stage to the other side, how to

15:28

approach it in the best way

15:30

possible. So one of the most important

15:32

things, and it sounds very simple,

15:34

but I promise it can make a

15:37

world of difference is managing your

15:39

expectations. Because I think so much of

15:41

what triggers that cycle and that

15:43

spiral, particularly on the anxious side. And

15:45

to an extent on the avoidant

15:47

side as well is thinking because I'm

15:49

feeling this way, something must be

15:51

very wrong because all of a sudden

15:54

things have shifted. That means something

15:56

that's a sign that there's something wrong

15:58

with me or or the relationship.

16:00

And so I think if we're going

16:02

into it being like, Oh, This

16:04

is a normal part of the maturation

16:06

process of a relationship. It makes

16:08

sense that the infatuation and the idealization

16:11

has given way to something where

16:13

I'm actually seeing my partner as a

16:15

messy human being. And they have

16:17

traits that I really like and traits

16:19

that kind of grade on me.

16:21

And that is fine. And they're going

16:23

to see me in the same

16:26

way. And I'm allowed to be a

16:28

flawed person as a they like

16:30

having that. actually realistic expectation

16:32

around what it means to

16:34

be in a relationship with a

16:36

whole person where you're both

16:38

bringing your stuff to the table,

16:40

like that can in and

16:42

of itself, that small shift in

16:44

mindset and expectation can really

16:46

change your internal environment in terms

16:49

of how you relate to. that

16:51

transition and the fact that you're

16:53

in that. If you think it's just

16:55

like a normal part of the

16:57

process of being in a relationship, then

16:59

it's unlikely to provoke the same

17:02

stress response in you that sets off

17:04

the cascade. So realizing like this

17:06

is not in and of itself, some

17:08

big emergency, something that I need

17:10

to try and reverse engineer or undo

17:12

or backpedal around, this is a

17:14

normal part of growth. And these growing

17:16

pains and things that we can

17:18

work through rather than things that we

17:20

need to like urgently get. rid

17:22

of because that sense of urgency and

17:24

emergency is what can really make

17:26

things a lot worse and actually entrench

17:29

you in those dysfunctional patterns. Now,

17:31

I think another really helpful thing to

17:33

do can be to name it and not

17:35

from a place of we need to

17:37

sit down and have a really serious conversation

17:39

about the fact that we've now entered

17:41

the power struggle stage. But

17:43

what you can do is just say,

17:45

hey, I feel like we're getting on

17:48

each other's nerves a bit at the

17:50

moment. Do you want to talk about

17:52

it? I think you can just be

17:54

open without being really heavy or accusatory

17:56

or blaming. And you certainly don't need

17:58

to be defensive. I

18:00

think when we're internalizing a shift

18:02

as being our fault and something we've

18:04

done wrong, we are naturally more

18:06

prone to defensiveness because we want to

18:08

push away the idea that we've

18:10

done something wrong. So I think if

18:12

we can just be somewhat neutral

18:14

about it, then that's going to stand

18:16

us in really good stead to

18:19

have a conversation where we can actually

18:21

go like, okay, if there are

18:23

things that feel sticky and that we're

18:25

maybe not resolving in a very

18:27

constructive way, let's talk about that. Let's

18:29

find a solution. You seem to

18:31

be getting a bit annoyed at me

18:33

for X, Y, Z things. And

18:35

I'm feeling a little frustrated with you

18:37

when this happens. Why don't

18:39

we just find a path forward that

18:41

works for both of us so that

18:43

we can both be feeling good? I

18:45

think that's a really, really positive way

18:47

of framing it and actually allows you

18:49

to grow through the experience as a

18:52

couple and gives you the opportunity to

18:54

work through conflict, which is such an

18:56

essential relationship skill. actually

18:58

is going to make you so much

19:00

stronger than if you just never had

19:02

the conflict and you stayed in honeymoon

19:04

land forever, because that's not real life.

19:06

And I always say to people, it's

19:08

not about like avoiding conflict. It's who

19:10

are you going to do conflict with?

19:12

Well, that's a much better

19:14

litmus test for whether a relationship is

19:17

going to go the distance. Do

19:19

we band together when things get hard

19:21

or does conflict drive us apart?

19:23

So see this as training ground, right?

19:25

As an opportunity for you to

19:27

deepen in your understanding of one another,

19:29

your understanding of yourself and your

19:31

own patterns and what it means to

19:33

compromise in a healthy way that

19:36

isn't self -abandonment, that isn't rigidity, that's

19:38

actually finding a balanced path forward that

19:40

feels good for both people and

19:42

being able to talk about that in

19:44

a healthy way. I

19:46

think another thing to be mindful

19:48

of, and again, this is probably

19:50

speaking more to the anxious attaches,

19:52

is it's okay to have a

19:54

bit more. of separateness as you

19:56

transition into this power struggle stage,

19:59

because your preference is likely to

20:01

be as much contact and connection

20:03

and closeness as humanly possible. And

20:05

sometimes in the honeymoon period, your

20:07

partner will meet you in that

20:09

desire. And so you'll be texting

20:11

all day, every day, and you'll

20:13

be seeing each other every night

20:15

or four times a week or

20:17

whatever. You'll be having sleepovers and

20:19

long mornings in bed or whatever.

20:21

And then they start to pull

20:23

away. and that starts to feel

20:26

like too much and you go

20:28

like but you wanted that as

20:30

well and now you're saying it's

20:32

too much and that can feel

20:34

a bit confusing and maybe like

20:36

there's been a bait and switch

20:38

just recognize that level of intensity

20:40

is probably unsustainable so it's not

20:42

like you've done something wrong it's

20:44

not like they've been misleading in

20:46

a deliberate way it's just that

20:48

Starting at 100 % intensity and maintaining

20:50

100 % intensity for an entire

20:52

relationship is not really going to

20:55

happen. Right. And so I think

20:57

that again, it's about calibrating our

20:59

expectations to something that's, if this

21:01

is going to last the distance,

21:03

like I can survive with not

21:05

texting them all day, every day

21:07

while I'm at work and they're

21:09

at work and not feeling like

21:11

there's some sudden void. from

21:13

that change in pace and change

21:15

of intensity and this is why

21:18

I really emphasize so much that

21:20

from the outset if you can

21:22

try to go at a reasonable

21:24

pace right don't go to 100

21:26

and then be really upset and

21:28

confused when things pull back a

21:30

little because they just will because

21:32

it's not sustainable try and hold

21:34

on to your routines try and

21:36

maintain catching up with

21:38

other people, not just like clearing the calendar

21:40

to be completely available to them all

21:42

the time and then feeling hurt and

21:45

rejected, still be your own person. And

21:47

I think the power struggle stage is a

21:49

really good time to actually practice that

21:51

because your instinct is probably going to

21:53

be as soon as things feel hard,

21:55

I'm going to go even more all in

21:57

on trying to fix the relationship and

21:59

being preoccupied with the relationship, thinking about

22:01

it all the time, wanting to be

22:03

available. at all hours for

22:05

my partner in case they want

22:07

to hang out with me. All of

22:10

those things are expressions of your

22:12

anxiety and they're also going to exacerbate

22:14

your anxiety. Trying to remain differentiated

22:16

in that period is going to ultimately

22:18

provide a more solid foundation for

22:20

your relationship that will allow you to

22:22

come to those conversations that you

22:25

might be having from a more grounded.

22:27

self -assured place, self -confident place. And also

22:30

to feel like my whole world isn't

22:32

going to come crashing down if this

22:34

relationship ends, because there's more going on

22:36

in my world than just this relationship.

22:38

And that's really good advice always for

22:40

anxiously attached people. And the

22:42

last thing that I said that I would

22:44

talk about is how do I know

22:46

if, you know, it's actually just. of incompatibility

22:48

that has been revealed. If it's actually

22:51

better to just pull the pin and cut

22:53

my losses and walk away because all

22:55

of a sudden things are not feeling good.

22:57

And that's always a possibility, right? I

22:59

don't want to tell you that every relationship

23:01

issue should be worked through and that

23:03

every couple is destined to be together. Of

23:05

course, that isn't the case. So I

23:07

think ultimately it's going to be subjective and

23:09

only you can make that call. I

23:11

know that's not what you want to hear,

23:13

but things that I would look for,

23:15

if someone is completely unwilling to talk about

23:17

anything, that's going to be hard

23:19

to work with. Obviously, if only one person

23:21

is open to even having conversations about things

23:23

that might not be feeling good, it's really

23:25

hard to build something with someone who is

23:27

a bit of a brick wall and who's

23:30

shutting you out altogether. If someone is... cutting

23:32

communication with you if someone's just disappearing

23:34

all of a sudden you've gone from

23:36

spending all this time together to essentially

23:39

being ghosted that is not to me

23:41

something that i'd be encouraging you to

23:43

necessarily continue to pour more investment into

23:45

you know what i'm really talking about

23:47

in this power struggle stage is like

23:49

we're both still in this but things

23:51

are feeling harder things are feeling more

23:53

challenging there is friction there is tension

23:55

where previously there wasn't and that is

23:57

triggering for you if someone's just like

23:59

really behaving badly in a way that

24:01

feels disrespectful and wildly inconsistent, unreliable, and

24:04

you're left completely in the dark. That's

24:06

not. really what I'm talking about here.

24:08

And that's where I would really encourage

24:10

you to get clear on what are

24:12

my deal breakers? What are my non

24:14

-negotiables? What am I available for in

24:16

a relationship? And if it's falling way

24:18

short of those standards that you've set

24:20

for yourself, which I hope that you

24:22

have set for yourself, then feel free

24:24

to just say, this isn't for me

24:27

rather than trying to problem solve and

24:29

workshop with someone who's just not treating

24:31

you well. And the other thing

24:33

I'll say is if It is

24:35

revealed in time that you have structural

24:37

incompatibilities around things like one of you

24:39

wants kids, the other doesn't. One of

24:41

you wants to get married, the other

24:43

doesn't. You want to live in separate

24:45

places, all of those sorts of things

24:48

that are kind of binary. As I've

24:50

said many times before, those are deal

24:52

breakers and it's okay for them to

24:54

be deal breakers if they are deal

24:56

breakers for you, right? Back yourself in

24:58

wanting what you want for your life.

25:00

And even if you're really attached to

25:03

someone, if they have a fundamentally different

25:05

vision for their life and you're both

25:07

clear on that and it is black

25:09

and white, then I think the earlier

25:11

you can disentangle yourself and detach from

25:13

that, the better, because otherwise you're going

25:15

to be causing yourself some heartbreak down

25:17

the line if it's ultimately a dead -end

25:20

relationship. Okay. I'm going to leave

25:22

it there. I really hope that has been

25:24

helpful. I hope that it's given you a

25:26

bit of relief. If you are in this

25:28

phase at the moment and you're wondering what

25:30

the hell is going on, what have I

25:32

done? Hopefully you can feel comforted by the

25:34

fact that it is not just you. It's

25:37

really, really common. It's almost a rite of

25:39

passage for couples, but there are certainly things that

25:41

you can do and not do that will

25:43

help you to move through that phase. in

25:45

a way that feels like a

25:47

growing together rather than just spinning around

25:49

in dysfunction and chaos and painful

25:52

conflict cycles, which never end and which

25:54

leave you both feeling much worse

25:56

off. So hope that it's been helpful.

25:58

If you've enjoyed today's episode, I

26:00

really be so grateful if you would

26:02

leave a rating or a review if you're

26:04

watching on YouTube, leave a comment there, let me

26:06

know. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing

26:08

you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks

26:32

again for being here and I hope to see you

26:34

again soon.