0:00

It's not the big things that

0:02

destroy relationships, it's the

0:04

accumulation of small,

0:07

everyday things. Hey,

0:16

everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

0:20

I'm Jay Shetty, and I

0:22

love getting to record these for you.

0:24

I feel so grateful

0:28

that you lend me your ears for

0:31

a few hours every week so

0:33

that we can find that inner clarity,

0:36

that inner stillness, that

0:39

space to reflect,

0:41

to think and to make decisions.

0:44

When we're running around, when

0:46

we're chasing a result, when

0:49

we're caught up in the hustle and bustle and

0:51

the hectic nature of our lives, we

0:54

get more tired, we make poorer

0:56

decisions, and then

0:58

we often feel confused and constrained.

1:01

But this time that we take out every week,

1:03

don't underestimate it. Don't

1:05

underestimate it. It's so powerful,

1:08

this investment that you make in yourself every

1:11

single week. Thank

1:14

you, and make sure you thank yourself

1:16

honestly, because it takes a

1:18

lot. That you chose growth over

1:20

some immediate gratification. You chose

1:23

development over some distraction.

1:26

You chose education and enlightenment

1:30

over some brief entertainment. And

1:32

I hope I make these entertaining too, But genuinely,

1:35

just take a moment to acknowledge that. I know

1:37

you're being hard on yourself. I know some of you are

1:40

judging yourselves. Take

1:42

a moment to recognize one

1:44

incredible investments you're making in yourself.

1:47

Now today we're talking

1:49

about the six relationship

1:51

mistakes we make. And these

1:54

happen in love, these happen with

1:56

our friends, these happen

1:58

all around. I want to speak

2:00

to these six because they're

2:03

often missed, skipped,

2:06

forgotten, overlooked. Because

2:09

it's not the big things

2:11

that destroy relationships, it's

2:14

the accumulation of

2:17

small, everyday

2:19

things. When you see a

2:21

relationship breakdown, whether it's a divorce

2:24

or a breakup, a lot of the times

2:26

our reactions like, oh my gosh, I didn't

2:28

see that coming. I can't believe it. I thought they were really

2:31

happy, And then we think, well, what could

2:33

have happened all of a sudden, Like what made that happen?

2:36

The answer is never one big

2:38

thing. It's lots of small,

2:41

tiny things that compounded

2:44

to lead to that. I saw this

2:47

amazing video on social media the other day,

2:50

and it looked like it was from an area

2:52

with natural rock and water, and

2:55

it was showing how, at

2:57

different years, how

3:00

much a few drops of water

3:03

eroded the rock. So

3:06

five years, twenty five years, fifty

3:08

years, and you could see how in

3:10

five years the water was

3:12

slightly eroding the rock,

3:15

then in twenty five years it was

3:17

a bit deeper, and then in fifty years it

3:19

was deep, almost like a waterfall. And

3:21

it was incredible to see how that accumulation

3:25

creates impact over time. So

3:28

these six things may seem insignificant,

3:31

they may seem small.

3:34

They may seem like, oh, it's

3:36

not a big deal, and it's like, yeah,

3:38

on its own, it's not a big deal. But when they're put

3:40

together, they're a huge deal. And

3:43

these huge deals become

3:45

deal breakers. Right, These small

3:48

deals that get added up to become

3:50

big deals become deal breakers.

3:53

The first mistake we make

3:55

in relationships is

3:57

being overly critical

4:00

and complaining about

4:02

our partners. How many of you

4:04

be honest? Raise your hands,

4:07

say something critical to your partner on

4:10

a monthly basis. Keep

4:12

your hand up if you say something

4:15

critical about them to them on

4:17

a weekly basis. Now

4:19

you look really weird because you're walking around with your hand

4:21

up, But it's okay. You're listening to my podcast. You can

4:23

tell people that keep your hand

4:25

up if you say something critical

4:28

to your partner every day. Maybe

4:30

it's like, well, you never get the dishes

4:32

done, you always leave this out. That's

4:34

a complaint, but often it's followed

4:37

up with some criticism. And there's a difference between

4:39

criticism and complaining nagging

4:41

your partner if they're making a mistake, there's

4:43

better ways of going about it, But that's not criticism.

4:46

Criticism is when you say

4:48

you're so unorganized, you're

4:51

so late all the time,

4:54

you're such a distracted

4:56

person. Notice how there's a difference

4:59

between saying, hey, the dishes are left

5:01

out versus you're always

5:04

distracted, You're always looking

5:06

for the easy way out. A criticism

5:09

is when you are talking about that

5:11

person and there is no distinction

5:14

between that person and the

5:16

issue. You're saying. That's who

5:18

they are, not that's what

5:21

they do. A complaint is when

5:23

it's like I'm complaining because I don't like this.

5:26

Criticism is I don't like this

5:28

about you. Notice the

5:30

difference between I don't like this versus

5:33

I don't like this about

5:35

you. It's a lot harder to

5:37

take when that criticism compounds. Now,

5:41

this is so easy

5:43

to fall into a trap of because

5:47

we are not used to understanding

5:50

that people are different

5:52

from their traits. They existed

5:54

before that trait. They may let

5:56

go of that trait one day, and they'll still exist

5:59

afterwards. And what we don't

6:01

realize is that's because we don't free

6:03

ourselves from recognizing we're different

6:05

to our traits. For example, we say

6:07

things like I'm so unorganized, I'm

6:10

the worst. I'm just always

6:13

unfocused. Right, we're saying I

6:15

am unfocused, I am distracted,

6:18

I am unorganized. No,

6:21

the truth is you've just developed unorganized

6:24

habits. The truth is

6:27

you've just become used to and conditioned

6:29

to be distracted. You

6:32

are not distracted as an individual,

6:35

You've just developed certain habits. And

6:38

so, in the same way as we're tough

6:40

on ourselves, we're

6:42

tough on our partners. And often

6:45

the criticism that

6:47

we share with our partners is

6:50

somewhere being triggered from

6:53

somewhere inside

6:55

where we're unhappy with ourselves.

6:58

The issues we notice in them

7:00

are so often the issues

7:03

we have within ourselves. We're upset at

7:05

ourselves for being unorganized,

7:07

and so when we see our partners wasting

7:10

time, we clamp down on them

7:12

and say, you always waste time, You're

7:14

such a time waster. And deep

7:17

inside, we're talking to ourselves. How

7:19

many of you have had this experience where

7:22

in reality you are talking to

7:24

yourself, you're talking about

7:26

yourself. I know it's a hard one to stomach,

7:29

but it's true. Think about the last criticism

7:31

not a complaint. Remember, complaints are

7:33

normal and there are healthier ways to complain.

7:36

But when we're being critical, we

7:38

have to realize that we've gone down a different

7:41

path. So how can we first

7:44

evolve our criticism

7:47

to being complaining. That's the first step.

7:50

Instead of criticizing, let's

7:53

complain. We can all make that step.

7:55

Instead of telling them that they're time wasters,

7:57

instead of telling them that they're useless, instead

7:59

of telling them that they're unfocused

8:02

or unorganized or distracted, let's

8:04

tell them that we don't like that this is happening.

8:06

It's not the best, but it's healthier.

8:09

And then let's evolve one step further

8:12

where we get creative. Where we get

8:14

creative about scheduling opportunities

8:16

to remove complaints. We get creative

8:18

around dividing responsibilities so we

8:21

don't need to complain. We get creative

8:23

around our commitment to each other and what we expect

8:25

from each other. Criticism

8:28

chips away at

8:30

someone. They may not say

8:32

it, they may not understand

8:35

it, they may

8:37

not recognize it, but it chips

8:40

away. As it chips away again

8:42

and again and again, it slowly

8:45

weakens a relationship. You

8:48

may think I've only said it three times.

8:51

For them, it might have tipped them over the edge.

8:53

You may say, oh, I didn't mean it. You know, I'm

8:55

not saying it like that, but they

8:57

didn't take it like that. It's so

9:00

important to recognize criticism

9:03

does not fit into a long lasting relationship.

9:06

And for those of you that have been dealing with

9:08

criticism, you

9:10

fighting back with criticism doesn't work

9:13

either, and you staying silent

9:15

doesn't work either. You can

9:17

actually rise to be constructive

9:20

and say, how can we

9:22

improve this? What steps can

9:24

we take to constructively make

9:27

this better? What are the actions that

9:29

I can take that we can take together to

9:32

construct a better environment for both of us,

9:34

to make you feel better, to make you feel different.

9:37

So there's another strep that you

9:39

can take in being constructive. So that's

9:41

number one criticism. The second

9:44

is a really interesting one because

9:48

sometimes it's seen as a sign of love because

9:50

it's joking. But

9:53

this is where jokes go too far. It's like sarcasm.

9:56

Maybe it's passive aggressive

9:59

comments. There's that feeling

10:01

of trying to hit it something and

10:04

poke it something deep inside

10:06

that person or important to that person,

10:09

and it starts as a joke. Right. They always say

10:11

there's some truth behind a joke, But when you're

10:13

using a joke, when you're using

10:15

sarcasm to communicate it

10:18

because you don't want to communicate

10:20

it through an adult,

10:22

mature conversation. How many times

10:24

again, be honest, how many times have you used a joke

10:27

as a way of trying to get a point across to someone

10:29

or use sarcasm like oh

10:31

yeah, that's what I expected, or you

10:34

say something like oh yeah, oh my

10:36

god. They're always lay oh yeah, how funny,

10:38

Like you know, they're never on time, they never get there,

10:40

and really you're laying into that person.

10:43

It's really interesting because in

10:45

the UK we talk a lot about banter culture

10:48

and a lot of the time when

10:51

people from the UK are joking around,

10:54

I've had a lot of friends who are a bit

10:56

like, wow, that's really intense, Like

10:58

you guys really laid into each other. And

11:00

sometimes in the UK it feels like the more you

11:02

can banter with someone, the more

11:04

you actually love them.

11:07

But what we find is that in a relationship,

11:11

when you're in a romantic relationship with someone,

11:14

yes, you should be able to laugh at yourselves. I

11:16

highly recommend that. I think that's good. You should be able to

11:18

laugh at each other, but you shouldn't be

11:21

using sarcasm and jokes as

11:23

a way of communicating how you actually

11:25

feel about someone. The difference with your friends

11:28

is you all go home at night, go to

11:30

sleep, separate bed, separate homes, separate

11:32

lives, and then see each other again maybe

11:34

next weekend. But with your partner,

11:36

you're with them every single day, and so they read

11:39

into it more. They feel like

11:42

it's truly about their character. They feel

11:44

like it triggers another part of themselves.

11:46

And often our partners get

11:48

more triggered if we said something compared to if their

11:50

family or their parents said something. And

11:52

that's because they think you know them better. Your

11:55

partner thinks that you see all of them,

11:57

and so if you feel that way, then it must be true.

12:00

I really want you to take a moment to ask

12:02

yourself, just for the next

12:04

week, become aware of how many sarcastic

12:07

jokes you make, or

12:10

how many passive, aggressive statements you make

12:13

and it will shock you. When I did this, I

12:15

was like, wow, I didn't realize that avery

12:17

reaction to everything, and

12:19

I started thinking to myself, Okay,

12:23

I really, really

12:25

really need to be careful

12:27

with this, because

12:30

I'm pushing someone away by

12:32

pushing on things about them that they

12:35

may even be uncomfortable with. Because

12:37

when you're close to someone, you know what they're

12:39

uncomfortable about, and if you push that

12:41

button, you are pushing them away.

12:43

You can't hit someone where it hurts when you

12:46

love them and you know them and they feel they've been vulnerable

12:48

with you. And that's the biggest thing when

12:51

sarcasm relates

12:53

to someone's vulnerability. If

12:55

someone has been open with you and honest

12:57

with you about what they're going through and what they're experienced,

13:00

and now you've used that against them, that

13:02

is really challenging for someone

13:05

to take. We've

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The third one often

15:00

results from some of these, and

15:03

it's what we do, which is we deflect, right,

15:05

we become deflective, We become defensive

15:08

where we shut down and we don't take

15:11

any responsibility. There is no long

15:13

term relationship that can

15:15

last in a healthy way if

15:17

there isn't a healthy acceptance

15:20

of responsibility. And what I find

15:22

in this is that often our acceptance

15:24

of responsibilities like, yeah, I did it fine,

15:27

I know I did it all right. I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I'm always

15:29

wrong, And so it's not even said with an

15:31

honest sincerity, and it's

15:33

not said with an understanding

15:36

of Hey, I'm not losing.

15:38

I'm not weak if I made a mistake.

15:40

If I accept that I made a mistake, it

15:42

doesn't put me in a position of weakness. And if it does,

15:45

then maybe I'm not with the right person. If they're going to

15:47

use that against me every time,

15:50

then that's a manipulative tactic.

15:52

That doesn't sound healthy at all. Right,

15:56

So maybe the

15:58

issue is not that at all. Maybe the issue

16:01

is that I

16:03

need to take responsibility

16:06

when I've made a mistake. I then

16:08

can't also point fingers and say you take responsibility

16:10

when you've made a mistake. It's not like saying well, I took

16:12

responsiblity, why didn't you? It's about saying, well,

16:15

where is our responsibility

16:17

in this? I think that's the other part where we

16:19

almost make it a well you take responsibility

16:21

or I take responsibility, and it's like, well,

16:24

no, where is both

16:26

of our responsibility in this? Maybe

16:28

this was your job, but maybe it was never

16:30

explained to you properly. Maybe

16:33

this was part of what you do at the home, but

16:35

maybe you didn't understand all of it. Maybe

16:38

I didn't do a good job at setting you up.

16:41

And so I find that that happens a lot with responsibility,

16:43

where it becomes binary, becomes black or white,

16:45

you all them, when actually it's always

16:47

us, it's always us.

16:50

How can we move away from

16:53

you and me to us and we that's

16:56

the goal, from you and me

16:58

to us? And how

17:01

can we make that switch? How

17:03

can we make that switch from our language

17:06

not being well, you did this, you take responsibility.

17:08

I took responsibility. Now us and we what

17:11

is our responsibility? What responsibility

17:13

can we take? So that defensiveness

17:16

or that deflectiveness creates

17:18

issues long term because people start to think, well,

17:20

if you're never responsible for anything

17:22

and you're not willing to take that responsibility,

17:25

then do you actually recognize

17:28

my feelings? Do you actually

17:30

understand how I feel? Are you conscious

17:33

of this? The next one

17:36

is disconnecting or

17:38

being aloof when you argue,

17:41

you just don't talk for three days when

17:43

you had some miscommunication.

17:45

You don't respond to each other. That

17:48

shutting down, switching off and

17:51

never reconnecting

17:53

is different to someone who

17:56

becomes quiet to respond effectively.

17:59

And this is where we have to become better at

18:01

sensing and learning and understanding our partners

18:04

and having conversations about this. So

18:07

some people like to shut down, so they

18:09

can switch off and think about it so

18:11

that they can come back to it later with

18:14

more stillness, more poise, more clarity.

18:17

But some people just want to sweep it under the rug and

18:19

not talk about it at all and disconnect from

18:21

it and be aloof and not think about

18:23

it, and then they go quiet and then they

18:25

come back to being normal a week later. That

18:28

soundhealthy. That soundhealthy

18:30

because there's always one person who feels

18:33

like they never got to share how they truly

18:35

feel. And if they didn't get

18:37

a chance to share they feel. Guess what that's going to

18:39

compound, that's going to accumulate,

18:42

and then that's what you're going to experience

18:45

when we have those big arguments. You're like, where

18:47

did this come from? I thought we were okay.

18:49

It's because yes, you thought you were okay. But what

18:52

about them? We process

18:54

everything in our head and we think, okay, Well, if I processed

18:56

in my head by just forgetting about

18:58

it, then they must forget about it too. Just

19:00

because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have the same

19:03

mind. It doesn't mean you process things

19:05

in the same way. It doesn't mean

19:07

that you go through the

19:10

same things at the same time. So

19:13

if someone disconnects, check in with them

19:15

and say, hey, when can we talk about this again?

19:17

When would be a good time to discuss this? And if they

19:19

say well, not now, never, just say,

19:21

well, it would be really useful for me to have a conversation

19:23

about this. When you're ready, just bring it up

19:26

to me. You may give them a week, a couple of weeks, but

19:28

then you'll address it. But if you just feel

19:30

like, oh, yeah, this is what they do every time they get angry, then

19:32

they go quiet for a week, but then we just talk and go back to

19:34

normal, that doesn't

19:37

support the long term of

19:39

a healthy relationship. This

19:41

one fascinated me. It was a

19:44

three year study found that divorce

19:46

rates were reduced

19:49

by more than half by watching movies

19:51

about relationships and discussing

19:53

them afterwards. And that's really

19:55

interesting. I guess the idea that

19:58

learning from others relationships

20:02

is a healthy way of processing

20:05

how you want to live yours. Right

20:07

when we're learning, when we're reflecting. It's not just about

20:10

watching shows together, movies together. The key

20:12

part was discussing the

20:14

movie afterwards, discussing it,

20:16

analyzing it, breaking it down. Now you may say,

20:18

oh, how can you do that with the romcom. I mean they're

20:21

pretty basic. Well, no, how could you get deep

20:23

into a character? There's a love story hidden in most

20:25

movies. But the idea of talking

20:28

about other relationships

20:31

in order to figure out your own

20:34

was a great way to start that conversation

20:36

about your own relationship. Sometimes people are like Jay,

20:38

I don't even know how to talk to my partner about our relationship.

20:41

It's great to use a movie. You watch the

20:43

movie, you watch the TV show, you watched an episode, and

20:45

now you can have a conversation about something

20:47

that happened in the show that was a tough part.

20:50

That's a great jump off point. And

20:52

so I find that often

20:55

we don't realize that these simple things

20:57

can have a massive impact because the

21:01

art of discussion engages

21:03

us. When we're talking about someone else, we

21:05

can now finally talk about how we really

21:08

feel. And the key there is

21:10

to not get triggered by something

21:12

our partner says, but to really hear them

21:14

out, to really understand

21:17

their perspective, to really

21:19

try and see their train of thought, even if we

21:21

disagree, to give them the space and then

21:23

engage in a discussion. The

21:25

challenges that our discussions

21:28

are not discussions of debates they turn into

21:31

angry arguments, and

21:33

that's because one of us gets triggered. So

21:35

let's say you see a movie and let's say

21:37

in the movie, the guy takes a girl out

21:40

on a date and he doesn't pay.

21:42

And now someone in your life saying,

21:44

well, yeah, that makes sense. I mean he shouldn't pay.

21:46

You know, we're trying to get to a world of

21:48

equality, and that makes sense. Right. Say, Let's

21:50

say that's their perspective. Now you may

21:52

be triggered by them and be like, well, no, he should pay for

21:55

the date because you know she said yes to him and

21:57

it should be his job. Now you could

21:59

turn into an argument, or you could analyze it

22:01

and understand the deeper value.

22:04

And when you get to the value, you might see that

22:06

you actually agree versus when you focus

22:09

on how that value is displayed in

22:11

that moment. That's number five. Number

22:14

six is recognizing

22:16

that a lot of relationships today

22:18

we get into them because we're

22:21

not just looking for comfort and stability. We're

22:23

looking for growth. We're looking for

22:25

a partner. We're looking for someone who supports

22:28

us. We're looking for someone who believes

22:30

in us. Almost we're expecting

22:32

our partners these days to be coaches, and

22:34

that's a lot of pressure. We shouldn't put that pressure

22:37

on our partners. But you

22:39

know, I often feel that way when I'm coaching

22:41

my clients. A lot of people will say, well, you

22:44

know, like, oh, I wish my partner would think

22:46

like this, and I'm like, well, that doesn't make sense because

22:49

they're not trained to be a coach, so they can't.

22:52

They can start thinking like that, but

22:54

we shouldn't put that pressure on them right off the

22:56

bat. So recognizing

22:58

that your partner as their own journey, how

23:00

can you help them? How can you support them? How can they

23:02

help you? How can they support you? That

23:05

builds a strong, powerful platform.

23:07

So those are the six relationship mistakes

23:09

we make. I hope you're going to pass this on to a

23:12

friend because I think a lot of people

23:14

may be stumbling over some of these really simple

23:16

fixes and I hope these insights help

23:18

you today. Thanks so much for listening.

23:20

Share on Instagram and on TikTok and on

23:23

Facebook and Twitter and whatever platform you're

23:25

using what you learn from this episode. And I

23:27

can't wait to see you next week. Thank you