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1:37

Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty and

1:39

I'm thrilled to announce my podcast

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into experiences designed to experience growth,

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2:04

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2:06

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are on sale now. Head

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to jsheddy .me forward slash tour

2:18

and get yours today. Don't

2:21

say I'm anxious. Say I feel

2:23

anxious because and that allows you

2:25

to be a human having

2:27

an emotion. and trying your

2:29

best to figure out why. Sharing

2:31

your anxious feelings in a way

2:33

that you don't identify with them.

2:35

That invites connection. And now we

2:38

can talk about it. And

2:40

once we start revealing it, that's really

2:42

the first step to healing. Hey

2:52

everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place

2:54

you come to listen, learn,

2:56

and grow. Today's guest is on

2:58

for his third time, came on in

3:01

season one. I'm always super grateful to my

3:03

friends who showed up when we were

3:05

this tiny little podcast trying to figure out

3:07

our way. And when they

3:09

come back with new, exciting

3:11

information, reflections, revelations, I can't wait

3:13

to have them back on

3:15

the show. Today's guest is none

3:18

other than Humble the Poet,

3:20

an artist, rapper, spoken word artist,

3:22

international bestselling author, and

3:24

former elementary school teacher, if

3:26

you didn't know. Known for

3:28

his tattoos, beard, head wrap,

3:30

and infectious smile, he captivates

3:32

audiences with thought -provoking ideas

3:34

that challenge conventional wisdom. Humble's

3:37

dynamic live performances have taken

3:39

him to major festivals all across

3:41

the world, and he's been

3:43

featured in the New York Times,

3:45

Buzzfeed, Vogue, Rolling Stone, and

3:47

HuffPost. Humble is the author of

3:49

Unlearn, Things No One Else

3:51

Can Teach Us, and here

3:53

to talk about his latest book,

3:55

which I want you to grab

3:57

right now, it's called Unanxious, 50

4:00

Simple Truths to Help Overthinkers Feel

4:02

Less Stress and More Calm.

4:04

If your goal this year

4:06

is to manage and navigate

4:08

anxiety better, this is the

4:10

book for you. It's called Our Anxious.

4:12

We'll put the link in the comments. Welcome

4:14

back to On Purpose. My dear, dear

4:16

friend, one of the realest guys I

4:19

know, someone that I slouch around when he's

4:21

here on my full self, because we

4:23

do this offline anyway, humble the

4:25

poet. Humble. It's great to have you back.

4:27

It's great to be here. Thank you so much. That was

4:29

an awesome intro. Dude, it's just, it's

4:31

so fun when like... know, I've

4:33

really been thinking about that first

4:35

season so much lately. And

4:38

it's because there's so many guests who've kind

4:40

of come back. So we just had Dr.

4:42

Daniel Amenon. It's been his fifth time he's been

4:44

on in six years, which is insane. Khloe

4:46

Kardashian just came back on for the second time.

4:49

And she was one of those first

4:51

people that really helped us grow. And

4:54

so it's just like people who believed in

4:56

the show when it was, you know, finding its way

4:58

and you were one of them. So I'm very

5:00

grateful to you. I appreciate you having me back

5:02

then. It's always been amazing. You're the best. All

5:04

right. I want to dive in because this book,

5:07

you dropped so many bars in this book

5:09

that I was like, the only way to do

5:11

the book justice and for people to realize

5:13

it's worth picking up is me to read stuff

5:15

from the book. And right

5:18

in the introduction, you say something

5:20

and I think it just sets

5:22

the tone for the rest of the

5:24

book. You say, anxiety isn't something

5:26

that needs curing. Why was

5:28

that important for people to know right at the

5:30

beginning? I think when I started this journey, it

5:32

was really about meeting people where they're at. And

5:34

I think now that mental health is like

5:37

mental health awareness has really become normalized. It

5:39

may have gone a little bit too

5:41

far with people identifying with certain things

5:43

that they're struggling with. And it's like

5:45

anxiety is not a problem. It's not

5:47

a disease. It's not dandruff. It's not

5:49

a condition that we have to deal

5:51

with. It's a signal. It's here to

5:53

help us. And what we

5:55

need to do is reevaluate our relationship

5:57

with it. Right now where we're at

5:59

is we medicate, avoid, and

6:02

distract. And all of those are

6:04

understandable coping mechanisms. They help us in the moment.

6:06

They help us feel better. But none of

6:08

that in the long term is going to help

6:10

us become better. And what it

6:12

is, we just have to pay attention to

6:14

what anxiety and anxious feelings are trying to

6:16

tell us. And the big thing with that

6:18

is changing our relationship in a way that

6:20

makes us not think like, oh, because I'm

6:22

having anxious feelings, I must be weak.

6:24

Something's wrong with me. Nobody else is dealing

6:26

with this. They're like, no, you are

6:28

absolutely normal. for having anxious feelings and

6:31

to start that's the first idea we have

6:33

to understand treating ourselves with grace that

6:35

this is completely normal and then once we

6:37

get there we can start this journey

6:39

going from managing it in helpful ways and

6:41

then also growing from it we don't

6:43

want to just keep soothing anxiety we want

6:45

to gain strength through paying attention and

6:47

understanding what it's trying to tell us. One

6:49

of the things me and you talk

6:51

about a lot when we're having our offline

6:53

conversations is this difference in the

6:55

idea of East and West. So

6:58

the Western ideology is, I

7:00

had anxiety, I don't

7:02

have it anymore. So everything's painted as this

7:04

before and after. And we

7:06

know that the East, which we both take

7:08

inspiration from, is more cyclical, where it's like,

7:10

well, wait a minute, anxiety isn't going to

7:12

go away. it's going to keep showing up

7:14

in my life in different ways. Now, if

7:16

anxiety shows up in the same way, it's

7:18

because I'm not learning. I'm not strengthening. I'm

7:20

not hearing the signal as you just called

7:22

it. And it's going to show up

7:24

in different ways because even if I hear the signal of

7:27

anxiety here, anxiety is going to show up in

7:29

another way over here. And so I

7:31

love that you really make it clear

7:33

off the bat that this isn't about

7:35

solving a problem. Yeah. Right. It's

7:37

not about getting rid of it. Yeah. What

7:39

I'm promising in the book is I'm not

7:41

promising to cure anxiety. I'm promising to cure

7:43

the despair. around anxiety. And the

7:45

despair is when we feel hopeless because we don't think

7:47

we have options. So this book

7:49

is full of options to

7:51

better understand anxiety and to go

7:53

from managing to striving and

7:56

growing and becoming stronger from it.

7:58

And because we feel hopeless

8:00

that's where we stop. And a lot

8:02

of the tension that we carry comes

8:04

from resisting these emotions. It's not

8:06

the emotions themselves. Anxious feelings aren't harming

8:08

us. Resisting and avoiding these anxious

8:10

feelings are what's actually doing the damage. Oh,

8:12

I love that. I love that. I think

8:14

it resonates so strongly with me because... I've

8:16

been thinking a lot about how when you're

8:18

anxious about something, you feel like you only

8:20

have two options. So it's like, I either

8:22

overcome this and my life's gonna be better,

8:24

or I'm stuck with this for the rest

8:27

of my life and my life's over, right?

8:29

We kind of get these two extreme

8:31

options. And the fact that you're saying, well,

8:33

wait a minute, there's a third option. There's

8:35

a fourth and there's 50 in here.

8:37

That's actually what we all wanna

8:39

feel. I remember when I was anxious

8:41

about the fact that I hated my job, My

8:44

career wasn't really going where I wanted it to

8:46

go, but then I was anxious about leaving. I

8:49

realized the problem was my anxiety was

8:51

all based on the fact that I had

8:53

limited options. I thought I either stay

8:55

somewhere I hate or I leave and then

8:57

I'm lost because I don't know what's

8:59

gonna come. And as soon as I started

9:01

updating my LinkedIn resume and I saw

9:03

other job offers coming in and there were

9:05

other options, I was like, oh, it's

9:07

not as bad anymore, but nothing really changed

9:09

apart from the fact that I could

9:11

see A few steps further, what

9:14

have you found is the best way

9:16

to open up your mind to more

9:18

options when you're in a position where

9:20

you feel imprisoned and trapped by

9:22

your thinking. So I love the

9:24

idea that curiosity is courage in

9:26

disguise. And what we realize

9:28

is, is often when we have this kind of

9:30

dualistic thinking, this is good, this is bad,

9:32

this will help, this will hurt. That's

9:34

us limiting our scope, as you said.

9:36

And that's us being judgmental. And the only

9:38

antidote to that is to be curious,

9:41

is to ask more questions, to explore the

9:43

gray between the black and white. And

9:45

as we start doing that, more options arise.

9:47

And we also start to realize often

9:49

the fear that I'm dealing with is related

9:51

to a story that I've told myself

9:53

that I can only do this or I've

9:55

gone so far. I've climbed this mountain

9:57

and now people would see I'm a failure if I have to climb

9:59

all the way back down to find a new mountain. So

10:01

I realize is keeping our mind open. keeping

10:03

our hearts open requires curiosity. And that really is

10:05

what courage is. And often we think this

10:07

is a light switch. We think, you know, either

10:10

I'm confident or I'm not confident. I'm going

10:12

to fix this or I'm not. And it's like,

10:14

really, no, it's a dimmer. And

10:16

it's not simply a failing on

10:18

our part. If we start to feel like

10:20

this, we live in a society that

10:22

really encourages us to, OK, well,

10:24

if this is difficult, let's rearrange our lives

10:26

to avoid it. You know, a personal

10:28

story, for example, this book was

10:30

inspired through one of our conversations. when

10:33

I was reaching out to you to come

10:35

on the podcast for the last book. And I

10:37

explained that I feel a lot of anxiety

10:39

around asking for help. And you said

10:41

many beautiful words to me to help soothe that,

10:43

but I didn't address the fear of rejection I had.

10:45

I didn't address any of that. And then I

10:47

caught myself saying, well, you know what? Maybe this will

10:50

be the last book and I'll never have to

10:52

ask for a favor again. That

10:54

is not healing. That is me

10:56

rearranging my life so I don't have

10:58

to face the thing. that is

11:00

giving me anxious feelings. And

11:02

there's no growth in that. That is me

11:04

temporarily managing it because I'm going to

11:06

have to ask for help. And

11:08

what we have to realize is these challenges are

11:10

an invitation for growth. Our triggers

11:12

are an invitation for growth. There's an

11:14

opportunity here for us to not only deal

11:16

with them in a healthy way, but

11:18

then also to grow through them because all

11:20

of our growth happens outside of our

11:23

comfort. And that's a really interesting thing

11:25

where I realize I'm like, okay, I can

11:27

feel better. by avoiding asking for help or

11:29

I can be better by leaning into this

11:31

and being okay with that. It's powerful when

11:33

you paint that picture because I'm sitting there

11:35

going, I'm trying to think about

11:37

all the times I've avoided things that I didn't want to

11:39

do. And I remember

11:41

at one point I just avoided working out. Like

11:44

I love playing sport, but I just didn't want to

11:46

work out. I didn't enjoy it. I'd come up with

11:48

loads of excuses. I arranged my life in a way

11:50

that I didn't have to do it. And

11:52

as I grew older and you realize

11:54

the value of getting stronger and taking

11:56

care of your body not just aesthetically

11:59

but for the purpose of health like

12:01

to actually live a healthy life a strong

12:03

life you start going wait a minute

12:05

actually it was only doing the thing and

12:07

turning up when i didn't want to. that

12:09

has left me feeling better and stronger. As

12:11

opposed to when I was running away from

12:13

it, I was just getting weaker and weaker.

12:16

And that's exactly how we should look at

12:18

mental health. I think right now, we're looking

12:20

at mental health like it's this very fragile

12:22

crystal that we have to protect from the

12:24

world. And like, oh, I'm going to avoid

12:26

this person to protect my mental health. No,

12:28

our mental health is a tool. It's a

12:30

muscle. It's what allows us to deal with

12:32

struggle. Struggle isn't the enemy. Struggle is the

12:34

vehicle that makes us more resilient, that makes

12:36

us more emotionally strong, that makes us more

12:39

self -aware. Every time we have a negative experience

12:41

or we get triggered, we're giving ourselves

12:43

data. That data is a gift

12:45

for our self -awareness so we can better understand

12:47

who we are. And it's just like you

12:49

said, if you want to help me move

12:51

a couch, Working out at

12:53

the gym and voluntarily lifting heavy things

12:55

will prepare you for that. It's

12:57

the same thing with our mental health.

12:59

We have to voluntarily put ourselves

13:01

in uncomfortable situations. We have to challenge

13:03

ourselves on purpose, voluntarily.

13:06

So when challenges find us,

13:08

we're more resilient, we're more

13:10

confident, we'll feel more safe to deal with that

13:13

stuff. Yeah, and this isn't about making your life

13:15

harder. It's being able to

13:17

make your life harder in a controlled,

13:19

choice -based environment. Like it's not like just

13:21

like, you're not just creating drama in your

13:23

life. That's not the point. Definitely not

13:25

drama, but I think the name of the

13:27

podcast on purpose. When you discover your

13:29

purpose, even if you devote 15 minutes to

13:31

like digging in and... picking up as

13:33

much weight with that purpose as possible, that's

13:35

going to energize you to a level

13:37

that most of us never experience until we

13:39

figure out that thing that matters. So

13:41

it's really not about adding drama to our

13:43

lives, but it's really about carrying as

13:46

much weight as we can to see how

13:48

strong we can be. We can only get

13:50

stronger through struggle. And if we voluntarily

13:52

put ourselves in stressful situations, and it could

13:54

be even like, Think video games, we're

13:56

not gonna buy a video game if it's

13:58

easy. We want there

14:00

to be a challenge. We wanna fall on our

14:02

face, get back up and try again. And it's

14:04

the same thing with life. This is

14:06

how our batteries get charged.

14:08

It comes through choosing to do

14:10

hard things voluntarily, on purpose,

14:12

and that can be anything. For some people,

14:15

it could be a specific art, it could be

14:17

drawing, it could be working out, it could

14:19

be jujitsu. It could be any type of challenge.

14:21

And this is going to charge our batteries

14:23

so much more than a two week vacation lying

14:25

on the beach doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, and

14:27

it builds more confidence, right? Because when you're doing

14:29

difficult things, I always say to people, someone

14:31

asked me the other day, they said, Jay,

14:33

how do I feel confident before I

14:36

do this? And I said, I never

14:38

feel confident before I do

14:40

something. I feel prepared. I

14:42

feel organized and I feel practiced. I feel

14:44

confident after I conquer it. So when I'm

14:46

about to give a talk, I don't feel

14:48

confident before I give a talk. But I

14:50

know I've practiced, I know I've prepared and

14:52

I know I'm organized. Now I

14:54

give the talk and then I feel confident

14:56

because I built a new muscle, built a new

14:59

skill, whatever it may have been. And so this

15:01

idea that I need to feel confident before I

15:03

do something, I need to not

15:05

feel anxiety before I do something

15:07

is actually quite unnatural. How

15:09

do we get comfortable

15:11

with discomfort? How do we

15:13

get comfortable with uncertainty

15:15

when we're wired to want things

15:18

to feel good and be comfortable? I think it's

15:20

recognizing that, A, we're wired for a world

15:22

that we don't live in anymore. So

15:24

we are getting way too much stimuli. We're

15:26

comparing ourselves to way too many people. We know

15:28

way too many people. You know, we're really

15:30

wired to be in much smaller communities. And

15:32

bringing up this concept of confidence, I think, is really important

15:34

because it goes back to that idea that it's not a

15:37

light switch. I like to think about reading. We

15:39

didn't not know how to read and

15:41

then one day know how to read. We started by

15:43

learning the alphabet, learning the sounds. two

15:46

letter words, three letter words, four letter

15:48

words, until we could all read big

15:50

complex novels. That was like a 14,

15:52

15 year journey, you know? We may not have realized

15:54

that was happening because it was in school, it

15:56

was fun, we may not have had a choice, we

15:58

had to go anyways. But as adults, the

16:00

thing is, all of our growth

16:02

came from doing the struggling with

16:05

a book when you were reading it.

16:07

Now, as we become adults, we

16:09

avoid all these things that are struggling.

16:11

And it's really reevaluating our relationship. with

16:13

difficult things and challenges, and it's absolutely

16:16

correct. Both motivation and confidence, they

16:18

don't come before action. You can't wait

16:20

till you're motivated to do something. Doing

16:22

something will make you motivated. Doing

16:25

something will make you confidence. And

16:27

it also brings up a really important idea that

16:29

as we have this conversation, this is really going

16:31

to hit people logically, like, oh, that makes so

16:33

much sense. That makes so much sense. But for

16:35

the body to really believe this, you can't

16:37

make sense to the body. You have to practice

16:39

this. You know, if I asked you to stand

16:41

up and fall backwards and I say, I'll catch

16:43

you, your brain might be like, I trust him.

16:45

Your body is still going to be a little

16:47

bit nervous. Let's say I catch you. And

16:50

then I'm like, let's do it again. You'll be

16:52

a little less nervous, but you're still going to

16:54

have some nerves. We might have to do it

16:56

15 times for your body to completely trust the

16:58

process. We have to practice. Practice

17:00

makes progress and we have to get

17:03

out of this binary of like, I can't

17:05

do it or I'm perfect at it.

17:07

I can't do it or I've mastered it.

17:09

We have to just continually be on

17:11

a journey and celebrate the progress that comes

17:13

from that. And that progress is what

17:15

builds our confidence and slowly turn up that

17:17

dial because that's the only way it's

17:20

going to happen. You say anxiety overestimates the

17:22

threat and underestimates our ability to

17:24

deal with it. Absolutely. What did

17:26

you mean by that? So I heard a

17:28

really interesting quote, which was, anxiety is when

17:30

your intelligence grows quicker than your courage. Okay.

17:33

Yeah. And oftentimes when we're younger, we accomplish amazing

17:35

things and we don't know we're supposed to be

17:37

afraid of it. We don't even know supposed to

17:39

be afraid of playing on the street or what

17:41

have you, what the stresses are. You may have

17:43

accomplished something where the odds were against you, but

17:45

you didn't know the odds. So you

17:48

didn't feel that anxiety. So when our

17:50

intelligence grows, now all of a

17:52

sudden our imagination is being used to

17:54

invent threats. to

17:56

detect threats, things that may or

17:58

may not happen, and then that holds us back from

18:00

actually acting. Because the triggers are amygdala. We have a

18:02

little tiny part of our brain the size of

18:04

an almond called amygdala. In the book, I call it

18:06

our survival brain. And it's like

18:09

a very under -trained but loving

18:11

bodyguard that wants to protect you

18:13

from everything, but its definition of

18:15

danger is uncertain, unrecognizable,

18:17

unfamiliar, uncomfortable.

18:19

And these we know aren't things

18:21

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18:24

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18:26

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18:28

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18:30

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that we need to feel the

18:34

fear and do it anyways. Resilience

18:36

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18:38

you have to be resilient, when you have to

18:40

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18:42

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18:45

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18:47

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for years I'd given talks about

20:44

how failures are stepping stones to

20:46

success and how like you got

20:48

to feel the fear and do

20:50

it anyway and then I remember when I

20:53

went through some real stuff and I

20:55

was like oh

20:57

and at the same

20:59

time I remember that I'd been through like

21:01

you just said real stuff when I

21:03

was younger and I never gave myself credit

21:06

for it because I just assumed

21:08

that that's what life was. I

21:10

didn't realize how much hardship I'd been through in

21:12

my early years because to me it was just

21:14

normal. And I think that's true for a lot

21:16

of people. And then there's the other

21:18

side of it where it's like, I may

21:20

talk about these ideas, I may hear them, but then

21:23

life's gonna throw a challenge at me where I

21:25

actually have to apply what I've learned. And

21:27

you say something in the book where you

21:29

say home is where the anxiety starts. I

21:32

think a lot of us feel that we felt

21:34

the anxiety of our parents, we felt the anxiety

21:36

of our siblings, we felt the

21:38

anxiety of the extended family and we

21:40

kind of just ingested all of it. And

21:44

then it's only decades later that you kind

21:46

of even realize that you might be

21:48

sitting at like a dinner table at a

21:50

holiday dinner at your parents house or

21:52

you're sitting around with your family and you

21:54

go, wait a minute, everyone hears carrying

21:56

anxiety and you can actually see it. But

21:59

then you realize you've kept on to it for decades.

22:01

What do you do when you feel like

22:03

you've been carrying the baggage of anxiety that you

22:05

picked up when you were a kid and you haven't

22:07

unpacked for 20 years? I think the

22:09

first thing is be super, super nice

22:12

to yourself. You know, imagine eight year

22:14

old you is dealing with these complex

22:16

adults with their emotions and they grew

22:18

up at a time where emotional intelligence

22:20

and being able to communicate an emotion

22:22

wasn't a thing. So you're coping

22:25

mechanisms and your survival mechanisms,

22:27

your mental health tried its best

22:29

to adapt the best it could with

22:31

your limited eight -year -old, nine -year -old brain. And

22:34

then those coping mechanisms became habits.

22:36

And then as adults, we continued those coping mechanisms

22:38

even though we have access to more helpful

22:41

ones. And instead of looking back and being like,

22:43

well, I'm a product of all this trauma

22:45

or I'm a product of I made all these

22:47

poor choices and now I'm stuck in this

22:49

habit loop, just be like, look, My mental health

22:51

has always been on my team. It's always

22:53

been helping me. Now we just need to upgrade

22:55

it. With family, I do view

22:57

them as the ultimate boss in this

22:59

world of anxiety because it's like

23:01

they can push our buttons because they install the buttons, right?

23:04

Yeah, I love that point. And

23:06

there's that. And I always think of

23:08

it even in my household where I have

23:10

a lot. I get along with my family.

23:12

Great. Just stepping into my childhood home brings up

23:15

anxious feelings. Oh, I can relate. It reminds

23:17

you of versions of yourself that you don't want

23:19

to remember. And I think

23:21

the idea that really helped me realize this

23:23

was like, if you learn the

23:25

lesson, you won't be afraid of the

23:27

test. So I think what ends

23:29

up happening is when we have these feelings, again,

23:32

these are signals. It's like the smoke

23:34

detector going off. Instead of

23:36

pulling out the battery, ripping the smoke detector

23:38

off the ceiling, putting a piece of tape over

23:40

the light, let's look for the

23:42

smoke. So when we're at home, And

23:44

these anxious feelings start coming up. This

23:46

is an opportunity for us to start

23:48

exploring and figuring out what it is.

23:50

And as simple as feeling the feelings. And

23:53

maybe in a moment, it may not be the best time for

23:55

you. So do whatever you do the suits. If

23:57

you got to go and look at your

23:59

phone, please do what you got to do. Look at

24:01

your phone. If you got to go distract yourself, if you

24:03

got to medicate, you got to go have a cigarette, whatever

24:05

you normally do, cool. But the next day,

24:07

when you're well rested, you've had a glass

24:09

of water, you're hydrated, you haven't

24:11

read a bad text message, a bad email yet you're in

24:13

a good place. voluntarily go back into

24:16

that. Maybe pull out a journal and be

24:18

like, what is it about my family situation

24:20

that's there? And now you're in a

24:22

good place to peel back these layers

24:24

and voluntarily lean into a trigger. And

24:27

once we lean into it, that's the way it's

24:29

actually going to heal. And then once it

24:31

heals, we'll have room for something new to come.

24:33

It's never gonna be I've healed and I live

24:35

happily ever after. We don't live this linear life.

24:37

It's a cycle. And as you said,

24:39

like you thought you can handle stuff until

24:41

something new came. That's not a feeling on

24:43

your part. That's the next level for you

24:45

to build that strength. And then as

24:48

you come out of that, which I've definitely

24:50

seen you have, and you've come out much

24:52

more wise, much more strong, much more compassionate,

24:54

much more kind to yourself and other people,

24:56

now something new may come, a

24:58

new curve ball may come. And as you continue

25:01

practicing your swing, you'll be able to handle that

25:03

as well. And that's what I believe our mental

25:05

health should be. It should be this confidence that,

25:07

hey, it will be hard, but I'm not afraid

25:09

of hard. Having a hard day

25:11

does not mean I've experienced trauma. Having

25:14

a person that is difficult to be with

25:16

doesn't instantly make them toxic. We've

25:18

got to this point where mental health awareness

25:20

has increased, but we may have swung the

25:22

pendulum a little too far where now we've

25:24

created identities out of these things. Let's not

25:26

create an identity. It's okay. Things are going

25:28

to be challenging and let's train and trust

25:30

ourselves. to handle it, and that's only going

25:32

to come through practice. So in England, I

25:35

remember when I was at school, we'd have

25:37

fire drills, right? And even here, you have

25:39

a fire drill. And it's

25:41

like, that fire drill may or may

25:43

never come, like the real thing may

25:45

or may never come, but you're prepared. Yes. And

25:47

now you know that even in the face of

25:49

a fire drill, you know what to do. You

25:51

know what the exit is. You know what to

25:53

take, what not to take. You know where to

25:55

line up outside school, whatever it may be. And

25:57

I think that's what it is for life. It's

25:59

almost like, You can't fire drill everything because

26:01

that's where anxiety comes from too. Because

26:04

you're like, I'm going to prepare for everything

26:06

possibly bad that could happen. And that

26:08

could be an unlimited list. But

26:10

at the same time, it's having the confidence

26:12

that I've built the skills to know

26:14

I can deal with certain things. And by

26:16

the way, there will be curveballs that I don't have

26:18

a clue with. I want to go back to what you

26:20

said about family. What do

26:22

you do when the family that, as

26:25

you said, installed the buttons when they

26:27

pushed them? What do you do? I

26:29

think immediately in terms of managing them, you

26:31

know, before we worry about growing through

26:33

it, the magic word is going to be

26:35

boundaries. And I think what's important is

26:37

we define boundaries in a way that matters.

26:39

Boundaries is teaching people how to be

26:41

with you and your boundaries can be universal.

26:44

For example, I can have a boundary. Listen,

26:47

if you were going to remind me of

26:49

my age and that I haven't gotten married

26:51

and had any kids yet and that, you

26:53

know, I'm not living out my purpose in

26:55

life, then obviously I'm not going to call

26:57

this much. Mom, you

26:59

know, but if anybody else does that, it's

27:01

going to be the exact same thing. It's

27:03

teaching people say, listen, this is how I

27:05

expect to be treated. I'm not telling you

27:07

what to do, but if I'm not

27:10

treated this way, I probably won't be around here.

27:12

And this is what my, I'm setting a standard and

27:14

I'm really teaching you how to be around me. And

27:16

I think boundaries at the end of the

27:18

day are saying, I care about you so much

27:20

that I want to improve our dynamic. And

27:23

I think that's a really important thing when it comes

27:25

to family because that's the hardest place

27:27

to set up boundaries because everybody is so

27:29

used to it. And I'll be completely honest,

27:31

when somebody has hit me with boundaries, it

27:33

was uncomfortable for me. You're still used to

27:35

things being a certain way, sudden change for

27:38

anybody is not going to be comfortable. And

27:40

we have to approach this with a lot

27:42

of grace, grace for ourselves and grace for

27:44

other people. So I think boundaries is generally

27:46

the first place. And then also having context

27:48

and just being like, look, They

27:50

really did try their best. When I worked

27:52

with the therapist, they were always reminding me,

27:55

listen, your parents were in survival mode. They

27:57

may not have been the most emotionally nurturing,

27:59

but they were trying to put food on the table.

28:01

They were trying to make sure you were good,

28:03

you were safe. And they're like, that's what

28:05

they were doing. That's all the tools that

28:07

they had. And I think it's really important, because

28:09

what I realized, especially in the last year,

28:11

is the kinder and more gracious I am to

28:13

myself, the kinder and more gracious I can be

28:15

to other people. and vice

28:17

versa, the more I put in effort to

28:19

be more understanding and kinder to other people, the

28:22

more effort I can put to be kinder

28:24

and more gracious to myself. And that's

28:27

a removing judgment which takes us back to

28:29

courage through curiosity. And that's the thing

28:31

that even when you set boundaries, that

28:34

person's still gonna break your boundary. If

28:36

you set the boundary, which I'm just

28:38

gonna use yours as an example, if

28:40

you talk to me about getting married and

28:42

having kids in all this traditional way of

28:44

living, I'm going to talk to you

28:46

less. You may find that even

28:48

when you make an effort to talk to that person, they

28:50

still bring it up. You may find whenever

28:52

they get an opportunity, they message you about it.

28:54

So they're going to do that anyway. I

28:57

think the challenge people have is

28:59

they feel guilty for not loving their

29:01

family, not being seen as a good person. Maybe

29:04

they even feel guilty for not

29:06

delivering on the promise or the

29:08

expectation that their parents have. And

29:11

then that guilt and shame, which

29:13

you call, like, anxiety's BFFs, like,

29:16

it's really weird because you're like now going,

29:18

you're breaking your boundary to make yourself feel

29:20

better for how you take care of that

29:22

person, or because you just love them. But

29:24

now you're breaking it, but then they upset

29:26

you again. So it gets really messy, like,

29:28

how do we, how do we really

29:30

define it in a way that we go, yes,

29:32

that makes sense. Now I know why I'm gonna

29:34

keep it that way. Absolutely. I think it's not

29:36

even guilt. I think I've realized over time, it's

29:38

people pleasing. It's abandoning

29:41

ourselves for somebody else.

29:43

I think true guilt

29:45

is when we abandon who

29:47

we are based on our own

29:49

values. Let's say you were

29:51

having a bad day and you spoke to

29:53

somebody that you cared about in a way

29:55

that you don't normally do. And

29:57

then a little bit of time goes by, you're like, I

29:59

really wish I didn't do that. And that's guilt.

30:02

To me, that's authentic. That's a

30:04

great difference. That's betraying who

30:06

you authentically are. Now the idea

30:09

of like, oh, well, I'm speaking to Jay and he

30:11

keeps bringing up these things I don't want to

30:13

talk about, but I really don't want to let him

30:15

down and I don't want to make him upset

30:17

because he doesn't hear from me anymore. That's me trying

30:19

to absorb your pain. That's me thinking,

30:21

because a lot of us do that in childhood.

30:23

We absorb other people's pain because we don't believe

30:25

in their resiliency. They're like, well, I can handle

30:27

it. I'll handle their pain. I don't want to

30:29

make my mom upset. I can handle her pain.

30:31

I'm robbing you of the resilience that's going to

30:33

come from you dealing with that challenge. And

30:36

I'm betraying myself, increasing my own

30:38

anxious feelings. And so I think

30:40

what we really need to do, and I

30:42

have a quote the book, you can't guilt a

30:44

caterpillar into becoming a butterfly. You

30:47

know, we can't speed any of this up. So I

30:49

really think sometimes when we use this word guilt, it

30:51

really goes around us romanticizing some of these

30:53

things. But really what it is, it's people pleasing.

30:55

It's wanting people to like us

30:57

at the expense of us ever

30:59

actually experiencing any real love. Establishing

31:02

boundaries and then honoring your own

31:04

boundaries, that's being your best friend.

31:07

That's protecting yourself to a level. And as

31:09

I said, this is just the beginning to

31:11

manage it. At the end of the day,

31:13

the secret here isn't to avoid these people.

31:15

It's to open a dialogue, open more vulnerability.

31:17

Build the connection, figure out where they're coming

31:19

from, and strengthen the relationship accordingly. If not,

31:21

we don't want to get to this point

31:23

where anybody who presents any type of struggle

31:26

or challenge for us, we just continually cut

31:28

them off from our lives. And this is

31:30

just us rearranging our life to make it

31:32

easier. No, we got to lean into the

31:34

challenges, but just immediately the boundaries got to be the

31:36

first step. That's a great redefinition. Like

31:38

that understanding, I don't think I've ever

31:40

heard anyone say that before. about

31:42

that difference between authentic guilt and

31:45

people pleasing because you're so right

31:47

that that resonated completely. That

31:49

idea that if I was if I was

31:51

rude to someone I would think about that

31:53

the whole day because I'd be upset because I

31:55

know that's not who I am. It's very different

31:57

to like oh I want to make sure

31:59

that that person likes me again and that I

32:02

hope that they yeah it's such a such

32:04

a great redefinition and one of the biggest

32:06

places we fit it as home as you

32:08

say. but we also feel

32:10

it with our friends. And you talk

32:12

about how anxious friends equals anxious

32:14

you. The challenge today is a

32:16

lot of our friends are anxious. If

32:19

we get rid of all of our anxious

32:21

friends, we may not have any friends

32:23

left. So what do

32:25

we do? Because I feel like also

32:27

all of our friends have different anxieties.

32:29

Someone's anxious about their career. Someone's anxious

32:31

about their relationship. Someone's anxious about their

32:33

appearance. Someone's anxious about this. How

32:36

do you deal with an anxious friend? When

32:38

we start talking about the specifics of, like,

32:40

I have anxious feelings around my job, anxious

32:42

feelings around my appearance, what we're still

32:44

saying is, you know, anxiety around things out of

32:46

our control, anxious feelings about things

32:48

that remind us of previous danger, anxious

32:51

feelings about things that feel unfamiliar.

32:54

And I think these become the headings that we

32:56

can connect on. If I'm vulnerable

32:58

with you when I share a vulnerable story, I'm

33:00

generally I'm gonna be nervous about

33:02

it, because I'm afraid that you're going to judge

33:05

me, and I'm sure your listeners have been in

33:07

that situation. But the vast majority of

33:09

the time that we're vulnerable with somebody, we're

33:11

inviting them to be vulnerable with us. In the

33:13

book, I talk about this idea of my

33:15

friend in Berlin inviting me to

33:17

a spa. And

33:19

I was excited to go to

33:21

this spa, and I'd hurt my

33:23

shoulder dragging a broken suitcase. And

33:26

we're on the way to the spa, and he

33:28

goes, I love how open -minded you are. And I

33:30

was like, why are you... me for being open minded.

33:32

And then I realized he mixed up the word

33:34

spa with sauna and we are going to an all

33:36

nude sauna. And

33:38

I'm about to see, and this is the longest

33:40

friendship I've ever had. I've been his friend since we

33:42

were three. So I'm about to

33:44

see him naked and a whole bunch of

33:47

other people naked and Berlin and the voices.

33:49

And I realized I wasn't afraid of being

33:51

naked. I was afraid of being judged and

33:53

afraid of standing out, afraid of not understanding a

33:55

custom, how this is going to work. I'm

33:57

in a different continent. And the

33:59

first thing that helped was admitting

34:01

to him, because he had just

34:03

propped me up saying, you're so open -minded, I

34:05

love that you're willing to do this. I didn't

34:07

want to let him down. My people pleasing started

34:10

to come up. But I'm like, look, now that

34:12

you've clarified what this is, and this is not

34:14

just a candlelight massage, I'm very

34:16

nervous. And his response was, I'm

34:18

nervous too. And we strengthened the connection.

34:20

And it wasn't the easiest experience, but

34:22

we got through it. And it was

34:24

a funny story. And you had to

34:26

realize every thing that makes us interesting

34:28

is a challenge that we've made

34:30

ourselves go through. And I

34:32

think the first step, again, and I'm always

34:34

going to say this is the first step, it's

34:37

not the absolute solution, it's going to be

34:39

sharing your anxious feelings in a way that you

34:41

don't identify with them. I'm encouraging people,

34:43

and I got this from Mel Robbins, don't say

34:45

I'm anxious. Say, I feel

34:47

anxious because. And that

34:49

allows you to be a human having

34:51

an emotion. and trying your

34:53

best to figure out why. I feel

34:55

anxious because I'm about to be naked in

34:57

front of you and a whole bunch

34:59

of other people in this country and I

35:01

don't know if people are gonna judge

35:04

me or what have you. And I think

35:06

that invites connection. And if you get in

35:08

someone else's like, I feel anxious because

35:10

I don't know if I have job security.

35:12

And now we can talk about it.

35:14

And once we start revealing it, that's really

35:16

the first step to healing. You know,

35:18

Jay -Z said it, he goes, you can't

35:20

heal what you don't reveal. And we all

35:22

know there's a value to this because

35:24

every single person has felt super stressed in

35:26

their brain about how much things they have

35:28

to do. And then they write down a to

35:30

-do list and it's like three things. And they're

35:33

like, why did that feel so heavy in

35:35

my brain? It's just getting it out is important.

35:37

And we are, again, in a society that

35:39

structures a lot of individualism, a lot of isolation,

35:42

we need community. It's not, as

35:44

I said, it's not about cutting

35:46

off your friends who feel anxious. Everybody

35:48

feels anxious. And we probably shouldn't label

35:50

them as our anxious friends. However,

35:52

if they decide to cling on to

35:54

the identity and they're more interested

35:56

in proving how hard life

35:58

is versus looking at it as

36:00

an opportunity to improve from it, then that

36:03

definitely is a friendship worth reevaluating. Maybe

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39:10

he had gotten married and they both moved

39:12

to Berlin together. And I guess maybe eight years

39:14

of him not speaking English every day. But

39:17

it was most definitely, I

39:19

remember it vividly. I'd

39:21

taken one of my parents' suitcases back then because this is

39:23

when I just started traveling. And you

39:26

know, my parents bought, you know, like six pieces

39:28

for like 30 bucks. Like cheap, don't buy cheap

39:30

luggage. There's a reason. And the wheel broke

39:32

off and I was in London. And I

39:34

was dragging it up the stairs from the

39:36

tube. And I had pulled a muscle in my

39:38

shoulder, and I was so excited for a massage. And he said, I

39:40

remember, he's like, yeah, we're going to go to the spa. It's going

39:42

to be great. It was definitely him

39:44

not speaking enough English for eight years.

39:46

And it ended up becoming a situation where

39:48

now it's a great story, but all

39:51

the emotions were there. And it didn't get

39:53

easier the moment I was there. The

39:55

longer I stayed there, the more my body

39:57

was able to trust. OK, this is

39:59

the thing. Again, and this is the big

40:01

thing. Our brains will understand this

40:03

immediately. our bodies have to catch

40:05

up and the way to reinforce it with

40:07

our bodies is through practice. We have to

40:09

practice this. We can't just hear an inspirational

40:11

quote once and be like, all right, I

40:13

figured it out. We have to practice. So

40:15

you're encouraging everyone goes to a naked spa? Definitely.

40:19

Go to a naked spa. But definitely do the things

40:22

where you're like, I can't do this. When you

40:24

voluntarily do something that you think I can't do. It's

40:26

the same as sitting in the cold that you

40:28

did. I mean, sitting in the cold, definitely one of

40:30

those things. And even that, what I realized too

40:32

is like, you know, got to go to Poland, got

40:35

to train in the cold, you know, at the invite

40:37

of Lewis House. And the irony

40:39

of that was like, you know, sitting with

40:41

Mike Posner in the ice for 10 minutes,

40:43

freestyle rapping, feeling like I'm the most resilient

40:45

person ever. Fast forward six months

40:47

ago, I am in a sauna with Lewis

40:49

and we're just chatting. He goes, you want

40:51

to take a dip in the pool? So

40:53

this is October in LA. And I went

40:55

in the pool and I couldn't stay in

40:57

for 10 seconds. Cause I didn't

40:59

keep practicing. There's a value to

41:01

the practice, but if you don't keep practicing

41:03

in terms of having self compassion, that's

41:05

okay. I used to be able to sit

41:07

in the ice for 10 minutes. Now I can take a

41:09

cold shower for three seconds, but I can get back

41:12

there. through practice. My dial just went back the other way.

41:14

And I think that's really important. We have seasons,

41:16

seasons where we can be more resilient and

41:18

build more resilience. And then we have seasons where

41:20

it's like, no, I'm just in survival mode.

41:23

I can just do the bare minimum. And I

41:25

think that's absolutely okay. I agree. Yeah, we

41:27

create so much extra tension with these expectations we

41:29

have of ourselves. And it doesn't help. Especially

41:31

when you lock in a new habit, then when

41:33

it breaks, you're just beating yourself up about

41:35

not having that habit. Absolutely. So like, I've been

41:37

working out consistently this year. probably like four

41:39

or five times a week, and I feel great.

41:41

And then last week I was on the

41:43

road, and I genuinely just couldn't work out. was

41:46

in a different city every day. I

41:48

was barely in the hotel. I would have

41:50

been having to work out like 10 p

41:52

.m. or something, and I prioritized my sleep

41:54

over my workout. And there was a

41:56

part of me that was just beating myself up,

41:58

going, oh man, you just missed four days, you didn't

42:00

work out, like, oh man, you know, you haven't

42:02

got the discipline, whatever it is. That doesn't make

42:04

you want to get back on it. That makes

42:06

you feel worse. Whereas then I gave myself grace by

42:08

the end of it and I was like, look,

42:10

you know what? I needed some time off. I

42:13

also slept really well. I also didn't get

42:15

sick because I wasn't pushing myself. And by the

42:17

way, I'm really excited to get back to

42:19

working out this week when I'm home because I've

42:21

had a bit of a break and my

42:23

body needed it while I was traveling. And all

42:25

of a sudden you're refreshed. And so there's

42:27

so much truth in the fact that guilt blocks

42:29

growth. You don't guilt yourself.

42:31

into becoming better. It doesn't work

42:33

that way. You encourage yourself. You got

42:35

to talk to yourself. I think

42:37

they've done studies where they looked at how teachers talk to

42:39

students and you used to be a teacher. Teachers

42:42

who just told their students that they

42:44

weren't smart or they didn't figure it out,

42:46

that never made a student better. A

42:48

student who believed that their teacher believed in

42:50

them made a huge difference to their

42:52

result in their psychology. Absolutely. The big lesson

42:54

that we were taught when speaking with

42:56

children was address the behavior, not the student.

42:59

So if a student was doing something that they shouldn't be

43:01

doing, you'd be like, hey, that

43:03

choice, I'm not a fan of

43:05

that choice. Can we crumple up that choice

43:07

and throw it in the garbage? You, you're a

43:09

great person, but I can't see how great

43:11

you are when you make that choice. And I

43:13

realized is when we speak to ourselves, we're

43:15

still speaking to a little eight year old inside

43:17

of us. There's an inner child there that

43:19

needs to be spoken with love and grace. And

43:22

it's not coddling. actually realizing

43:24

that we have to be our own best friend,

43:26

we have to be our own biggest advocate,

43:28

and view it through the lens of, is it

43:30

helpful? Is it really helpful,

43:32

especially for folks who are like self -employed or

43:34

trying to do things, is it helpful to

43:36

continually guilt yourself to do stuff? Do you

43:38

get better results that way? Is it taking

43:40

you where you want to go? Or can

43:42

we have the conversation of like, hey, Okay,

43:44

you know what? You were making a lot

43:47

of progress working out. You know, you were seeing

43:49

great things happen. And now all of a

43:51

sudden you got to go on tour. And now

43:53

it may be eating room service and it

43:55

may be sleeping in different time zones. And that's

43:57

okay. That's what this requires. And

43:59

then we'll get back to the other stuff. And that's

44:01

totally good. And for me, it's always like, Hey,

44:03

maybe one more game of FIFA before we start. And

44:05

then for me, the big one was like, Hey,

44:07

let's go back in our history. You've

44:09

been you've been humble the poet self -employed for

44:11

about 15 years now. Have you ever

44:14

played too many video games and messed up.

44:16

Did you ever mess up a deadline? Did

44:18

you ever mess up an opportunity because you

44:20

played too many video games? No? Let's trust

44:22

us. Let's trust ourselves. Go

44:24

back into your own history and let that

44:26

be the support and to speak to these words.

44:29

Because a lot of these voices are not

44:31

ours. They sound like us. They were ghostwritten

44:33

by other people. These criticisms were somebody else and

44:35

they just sounded like our voice and we

44:37

give them value. We don't have to believe

44:39

everything we think. Because those thoughts are often there

44:41

just to keep us in stasis. It's like,

44:43

well, we're going to try to scare you,

44:45

guilt you to stay where you are. Because if

44:47

you try something new, we consider something new

44:50

dangerous. And it's not. It leads nicely on

44:52

to the next thing I wanted to pick out,

44:54

which you said, don't should

44:56

all over yourself. So

44:58

I should be more productive. I should be

45:00

happier. I should have this figured out by

45:02

now. I should work out five days a

45:04

week, even when I'm traveling. I should

45:06

never make mistakes. I should be in

45:08

a relationship by now. I think we have

45:10

so many shoulds and a should, as

45:12

you clearly say, doesn't create a shift. None

45:15

of us do more when we think

45:17

we should do something. And you know what?

45:19

Don't you feel this way that we

45:21

all know what we need to do? Now,

45:23

even when I'm given a keynote, when

45:25

I'm recording a podcast, it might I'm thinking,

45:27

everyone already knows what they need to

45:29

do. Most people, unless you're something specific, like

45:32

I'm trying to figure out to build

45:34

a business. I don't, I may not know.

45:36

But most of us know what we need to change

45:38

in our life. Like we're actually quite aware of

45:40

it. What is the

45:43

block from I

45:45

know to I am?

45:47

And in the middle, it's like the should

45:50

is what ruins it almost. Yeah. Right?

45:52

We keep saying I should work out four

45:54

times a week because we know we

45:56

should. Yeah. But then why is the should

45:58

the block? I think the should is

46:00

the language of perfectionism. And, you know, it's

46:02

the idea that everything needs to be

46:05

perfect because we're afraid. And one thing that

46:07

we do to try to counter this

46:09

fear is have control. So it

46:11

should become language perfectionism. Perfectionism

46:13

gives us the illusion of control.

46:15

But the reality is perfectionism

46:17

isn't about making things better. It's

46:19

about finding flaws easier. So

46:22

what we start to do is constantly look

46:24

for flaws. And that way, that keeps us

46:26

from having to do stuff. So

46:28

it's the same way I'm saying curiosity is courage

46:30

and disguise. A lot of this is fear and

46:32

disguise. What we're

46:34

really just addressing is the fact that we're

46:36

scared. And here's the thing, it's okay

46:38

to be scared. And what I

46:40

would encourage anyone to look at is maybe

46:42

the step you're trying to take is just too

46:45

big. And maybe we got to

46:47

break it down into something a little bit

46:49

more manageable into baby steps. And if those

46:51

baby steps feel too big, let's do micro

46:53

baby steps. Then let's do micro baby tiptoes.

46:55

Let's keep going smaller and smaller until that

46:57

next step feels manageable. Because the only thing

46:59

we have to do is know what that

47:01

next step is and try it. And I

47:03

think this goes back to having grace for

47:05

ourselves. And this is why we overthink. Again,

47:07

it goes back to this idea that we're

47:09

so afraid that we're going to trick ourselves

47:11

to think that we're solving a problem by

47:13

constantly running it on a treadmill and going

47:15

through a loop. And now we're just

47:17

inventing new problems to solve them. And all

47:19

of that results in nothing. When

47:21

it comes to anxious feelings, you can't think

47:23

your way out of them. You have to act.

47:25

your way out of them. You know, there

47:27

is something brilliant about Nike saying just do it.

47:29

It really is just do it. It really

47:32

is feel the fear and do it anyways. And

47:34

again, these are catchy lines that we've heard

47:36

a million times. Our body isn't

47:38

going to immediately accept them. We have to

47:40

start small and practice that every day.

47:42

You know, for five minutes, I am going

47:44

to just do it. I do jujitsu

47:46

and it was really interesting because this actually

47:48

helped and probably because I was in

47:50

a physical situation. I'm rolling with

47:52

somebody who has many more years ahead

47:54

of me and we're rolling. And

47:56

in the middle of the roll, he

47:58

goes, you're thinking too much. It's

48:00

okay. We all make mistakes. And instantly

48:02

it was like, okay, stop strategizing.

48:04

Just trust whatever I'm doing, knowing that

48:06

I don't have a chance against

48:08

this guy regardless. But what he was,

48:11

he was addressing was the pauses

48:13

and the avoidance that I was doing

48:15

in real time. And now when

48:17

I'm sending a text message, sending an

48:19

email, making a request, I keep

48:21

hearing his voice. It's like, stop

48:23

thinking so much, we all are going

48:25

to make mistakes. The fear is the

48:27

mistake. I might say the wrong thing

48:29

if I ask Jay for this favor. Let

48:31

me reread it and proofread it 45 times. Let

48:34

me run it through chat, JPT. Let me

48:36

do all of these things. And it's like, what

48:38

we're just doing is ruminating to avoid the discomfort.

48:40

And what we're really saying is, this is hard,

48:42

I don't want to do it. And that's

48:44

okay. This is hard. I don't

48:47

want to do it. That is a normal

48:49

human feeling. But we have to go through

48:51

that in order for us to grow. We'll

48:53

start by being kind to ourselves and be

48:55

like, it is hard. Let's take

48:57

a break, but let's address it. And sometimes it

48:59

might be like, hey, we'll do the first thing

49:01

in the morning when we're the most fresh, that

49:03

concept swallow the frog. We'll do that now. Or

49:05

it could be like, hey, maybe this

49:07

is too big of a step. Maybe

49:09

today, step one is this. And

49:11

that really, and it is a reflection to go

49:13

back to the people that we're around. If we're around

49:15

people that we can share this stuff with and they

49:17

speak to us with that same level of grace,

49:19

which is like, no, like you did a lot today.

49:22

It really matters. And I remember this in

49:24

the beginning of my career. I came up

49:26

with Lilly Singh, you know, who we both

49:28

know. And as you know, one of the

49:30

hardest workers I've ever seen. 100 % and it

49:33

really signaled to me how hard I needed

49:35

to work. And it was always this idea

49:37

that if I wasn't working hard enough, she

49:39

may think less of me. And then fast

49:41

forward during the pandemic, I remember this having

49:43

a call and she's like, look, like your,

49:45

your only job right now is like, stay

49:47

healthy and stay in a good place. Don't

49:50

try to be productive. We've

49:52

been signaled that we need

49:55

to be productive all the time.

49:57

We, there's honor in suffering,

49:59

there's in burning out. It's a badge

50:01

of honor. And it's like, it's not a

50:03

badge of honor. It's a warning sign

50:05

that we're abandoning ourselves by doing too much,

50:07

especially in a society that we live

50:09

in where the word enough doesn't exist when

50:12

it comes to our productivity. So

50:14

it's really important to surround yourself around people who

50:16

are doing the same work can have the same language,

50:18

even if you're the first person to start these

50:20

conversations. When you're kind of to someone else, it will

50:22

encourage them to be kinder to you as well.

50:24

Yeah. And I think it's hard because I'll

50:27

give an example like I landed at

50:29

Sunday. I would have gotten to

50:31

bed by like 1 a .m. And

50:33

I knew I had to work hour

50:35

a .m. In the morning scheduled and everything

50:37

about me was like I've been on

50:39

the road I'm tired. I've been working.

50:42

It's all work. I gave four keynotes

50:44

in four days podcasts But what was

50:46

really interesting is that I'm at a

50:48

place in my life where I've actually

50:50

realized that waking up and working out

50:52

Actually sets me up to have more

50:54

energy throughout the day So now I'm

50:57

fully convinced now if this was literally

50:59

three or four years ago I would

51:01

have said no, I need to have

51:03

grace on myself. I'm gonna let myself

51:05

lie in I'm not gonna work out.

51:07

Maybe I won't even work out for

51:09

two three days because I deserve a

51:12

break The thing is that actually didn't

51:14

make me stronger or more resilient. It

51:16

actually made me more sluggish. He actually

51:18

slowed me down So sometimes grace is

51:20

actually choosing something that's good for you

51:22

even if it doesn't feel good. Absolutely.

51:24

As I said, it's not coddling. Exactly,

51:27

yeah. You don't want to go

51:29

to the gym today. You don't want to work

51:31

out with the trainer. Let's just go for five minutes.

51:33

And if you don't like it, you can go

51:35

home. Yeah. And then once you get in, you know,

51:37

it's going to continue. Yeah. And I'm definitely like

51:39

that. Whereas, you know, I'm doing all the mental gymnastics.

51:42

Oh, I ate and it's only been 43 minutes.

51:44

I can't go to. I might throw up on

51:46

somebody. I can't. You're making all these excuses. And

51:48

then the graceful voice is like, Hey, just show

51:50

up. Try it out for a couple of minutes.

51:52

If you don't feel good, sit against the wall.

51:54

We see people doing it all the time. And

51:56

the truth is, and then I go back to

51:58

my history, you have always not

52:00

wanted to go. You have never regretted going.

52:02

Yes, exactly. Even when I've gotten hurt,

52:04

I didn't regret going. And I think that's

52:07

the really important thing when it comes

52:09

to this grace. We're not coddling ourselves. We're

52:11

being our best friend, and we're encouraging

52:13

ourselves to do it. And you're absolutely right.

52:15

And this is how I would like

52:17

us to view mental health the same way.

52:19

Let's train it. Let's constantly pick things

52:21

that are different, the same way you're lifting

52:23

a heavy weight to tear your muscles

52:25

and then have them heal to grow bigger.

52:28

Let's continually put ourselves in challenging situations, whether

52:30

it's a cold shower, whether it's holding a

52:32

yoga pose, whether it's doing, you know, calf

52:34

raises until you're feeling the burn. Any type

52:37

of movement, any type of challenge where your

52:39

mind is like, I can't do anymore. Hey,

52:41

let's just try to stay in a little

52:43

bit longer. Let's do these things because this

52:45

will help build resilience. And it's one of

52:47

the things, in addition to creating connection, in

52:49

addition to practicing, that we do. And we

52:51

realize, like, I don't want to do it.

52:53

Totally understand that you don't want to do

52:56

it. But try it and see how you

52:58

feel afterwards. Because just like working out, the

53:00

harder the workout, the easier the day. Yeah.

53:02

And let's apply that to our mental health. Let's

53:04

treat our mental health like a muscle. The

53:07

more we work it early, the

53:09

easier the rest of the day will be.

53:11

I've always been saying that there's two types

53:13

of people. One, needs

53:15

to do the easy thing first to

53:17

build confidence and get to the hard

53:20

challenge. And there's other people that need

53:22

to do the hard thing first. They

53:24

need to throw themselves into the deep

53:26

end in order to build confidence. And

53:28

it's really important to know which one you

53:30

are because some people, if you are someone

53:32

who needs to do the hard thing first

53:34

and you keep trying to build up confidence

53:36

through small things, you'll actually never ever get

53:39

to the hard thing or you'll feel like

53:41

you'll take on a challenge that isn't big

53:43

enough. And if you're someone who's

53:45

like, oh my God, I need baby steps.

53:47

And now your friend over here is lifting

53:49

like 10 times as much as you are.

53:51

Now you're pushing yourself. You won't do it

53:53

either. And that's why

53:55

it's such an individual journey.

53:57

But I find so much

53:59

anxiety is around timelines. It's

54:01

all around comparison. And

54:03

I was thinking about this. When

54:05

you're at school, the

54:08

one thing you don't have

54:10

anxiety about as much is people

54:12

being ahead of you. or

54:14

people having figured something out. Because

54:16

everyone goes from seventh grade

54:18

to eighth grade to ninth grade.

54:20

All of a sudden when

54:22

you graduate, now someone's getting promoted

54:25

first and someone's getting promoted

54:27

last. Someone's getting engaged first and

54:29

someone's getting engaged last. Someone

54:31

got the beautiful new apartment and

54:33

someone is still living with

54:35

their parents. All of a sudden

54:37

now there's this timeline effect

54:39

where I'm now anxious because

54:41

I'm not 30 and married

54:44

and making six figures and whatever

54:46

it may be, building a

54:48

family. How do you deal with

54:50

that existential anxiety? Because this anxiety is more

54:52

than the anxiety of just, I'm anxious about

54:54

talking to these people, I'm anxious about this

54:56

friend. This is like this existential anxiety that

54:58

sometimes we just don't even want to think

55:00

about, but it's in the back of our

55:02

mind. Crap, I'm 30 and I'm not married.

55:04

I'm 40 and I don't have kids, right?

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so when we hear the cliche line comparison

57:55

as the thief of joy, we're constantly stealing

57:57

our joy by spending time on social media

57:59

and comparing ourselves to people and we're not

58:01

even comparing ourselves to a real. We're comparing

58:03

our behind the scenes to this highlight reel

58:06

of what we put on social media. So

58:08

the first thing I would say is

58:10

reduce the amount of exposure you have

58:12

to compare yourself to other people. I

58:14

would definitely make efforts to reduce my

58:16

social media consumption. That would make a

58:18

huge thing. I think also the more

58:20

we commit to understanding who we are,

58:22

the more we start to realize that

58:24

we need to design and develop a

58:26

life for ourselves. I think currently we're

58:28

just trying to deal with life. And

58:31

I think as we commit to a mental

58:33

health journey and voluntarily doing challenging things, we

58:35

start to develop life and we start to

58:37

understand what matters to us. For you, for

58:39

me, as we go through these different challenges,

58:41

we're like, wait, this is the shoe that

58:43

fits me. This is the one that doesn't.

58:45

Oh, I can afford the fancy sports car,

58:47

but I realized that really isn't for me.

58:49

But I definitely want to make sure I

58:51

have a great hot tub. I want to

58:53

definitely make sure I have, you know, I

58:55

have a friend who just sold a company

58:58

and I was like, oh, what are you

59:00

going to do? He goes, I'm going to

59:02

get my mom a personal trainer so she

59:04

can open a jar until she's 90. And

59:06

it's like, this is someone who knows his

59:08

priority. That's the first spend with the money.

59:10

And that only comes through self -awareness. Self -awareness

59:12

comes through paying attention to yourself and collecting

59:14

information. That's going to come when we have

59:16

these anxious feelings, these are revealing things. Triggers

59:19

are a roadmap. They're telling us

59:21

where the work can be done. So

59:23

we have to abandon these ideas that

59:25

like, oh, trigger warning, I have to

59:28

avoid my triggers. Oh, I have to

59:30

constantly be in a safe space. That's

59:32

just us rearranging life to never gain.

59:35

And we're denying ourselves that self -awareness. So I really

59:37

think self -awareness is going to be the first

59:39

thing. So now, and again, this is not gonna

59:41

make it all go away. I still get jealous

59:43

when I see people on social media. I

59:45

think the other thing we have

59:47

to realize is, Envy helps us

59:49

understand what authentically matters to us.

59:51

Let's say for example, I watch

59:53

a show regularly, you got

59:55

a couple of guests on, then all of a sudden

59:57

a certain guest comes on, and let's say Rick Rubin

59:59

comes on, and I'm like, oh, I am so jealous.

1:00:01

I wish I was in the room with Jay. I

1:00:03

wish I knew this was happening. I wish I could

1:00:06

have called Jay. I wish I could have stood in

1:00:08

the corner when I had that. What that is doing

1:00:10

is that's not a bad thing to experience. That's

1:00:12

teaching me that, okay, something that Rick says

1:00:14

matters to me. So I should go deeper into

1:00:16

that because it's teaching me what's important versus

1:00:18

if you have another guest on who I'm like,

1:00:20

oh, that's cool, but I'm not really excited

1:00:22

about that. So I think there's something there that

1:00:24

I think is really important. And I think

1:00:26

the other thing that's really important is realizing, are

1:00:28

we trying to catch up or are we

1:00:30

trying to improve? Are we trying to keep up

1:00:32

with other people? And I think very

1:00:34

often in going back to our families, it

1:00:36

really often isn't to We're not doing things to

1:00:38

keep our, make our family happy. We're doing

1:00:40

things to keep them off our back. Right?

1:00:43

And I think there's, there's definitely this

1:00:45

when it comes to like, you know, being

1:00:47

out here, going to events, dressing up,

1:00:49

all of this is like, are we doing

1:00:51

this to even stand out at the

1:00:53

party? Are we doing this to make sure

1:00:55

we don't feel irrelevant that we were

1:00:57

falling behind? And I think paying attention to

1:00:59

that will challenge us to go back

1:01:01

to what are our unique values? What are

1:01:03

the things that we. actually care about.

1:01:05

And the more we discover that, the

1:01:08

more we can share that with people.

1:01:10

And for me, that also brings me into

1:01:12

the thought of the gap between fitting

1:01:14

in and belonging. We create

1:01:16

so much stress trying to fit in.

1:01:19

And we have to wear masks to fit

1:01:21

in. And that is definitely going to feed

1:01:23

anxious feelings. Instead, if we have

1:01:25

a better understanding of who we are, if

1:01:27

we're constantly exploring this universe inside of us,

1:01:29

We know who we are and we can

1:01:31

find people that we feel comfortable being around

1:01:33

where we belong. a quote in

1:01:36

the book that I say, everybody is

1:01:38

a social butterfly and maybe you're just

1:01:40

in the wrong garden. And

1:01:42

I think that's really important versus

1:01:44

the self -identifying of I'm socially

1:01:46

anxious. Or you're just

1:01:48

in the room with the wrong people. That's

1:01:50

so good. You know, if you really enjoy

1:01:52

Dungeons and Dragons, go in a room full

1:01:54

of people who play that game, all of

1:01:56

a sudden there won't be as much social

1:01:59

anxiety as you may feel if you're in

1:02:01

a room full of people who work in

1:02:03

finance or full of Hollywood stars. And I

1:02:05

think that's a really important thing is like,

1:02:07

go where you belong, focus on where you

1:02:09

authentically belong. And that requires a depth because

1:02:11

it may not just be like, oh, well,

1:02:13

I'm South Asian, I should be around South

1:02:15

Asians. It's like, no, who am I? I

1:02:18

enjoy art. I should be around more folks

1:02:20

who love art. I enjoy MMA. I should

1:02:22

be around more folks who love MMA. I

1:02:24

enjoy playing certain video games. I should be

1:02:26

around people who play those games. The

1:02:28

deeper you understand yourself, the more you

1:02:30

can share. And it's really important because we

1:02:32

want to be seen. We want to

1:02:34

be heard. But the only way we

1:02:36

can authentically be seen and heard is if we show

1:02:39

people who we authentically are. And you can't be yourself

1:02:41

if you don't know yourself. I love that. I mean,

1:02:43

that is such a big one because i

1:02:45

hear that so often and i think

1:02:47

you're so right most people are going to

1:02:49

events that they don't even want to

1:02:51

go to they're hanging on people that they

1:02:53

don't want to hang around and then

1:02:55

we're wondering why we're socially anxious and we

1:02:57

also say that person's an introvert. or

1:02:59

they feel like an introvert and someone who

1:03:01

knows them goes, they're not an introvert.

1:03:03

They're really loud around their people. And that

1:03:05

person is wild around their people. It's

1:03:07

just right now they're not around their people.

1:03:10

And you have this beautiful quote in

1:03:12

here. You say, the only way

1:03:14

people can accept the real you is

1:03:16

if you show them the real you.

1:03:18

And I think that's what it is,

1:03:20

is that sometimes we don't even know

1:03:22

the people that are around us. because

1:03:24

if that's not their vibe, if that's

1:03:26

not their crew of people, then never

1:03:28

showing the real them. And

1:03:30

I know that for me, even

1:03:32

in a crowd full of people, I'll

1:03:34

try and find the person who wants

1:03:36

to have a deep spiritual conversation. The

1:03:38

amount of time me and you and

1:03:40

Jeremy, our good friend, end up together

1:03:42

at parties, right? So when we're at

1:03:44

a party and I know Humble and

1:03:46

Jeremy are going to be there, I

1:03:48

know we're going to find a little

1:03:50

corner to have like a conversation, a

1:03:52

discussion, a debate, a thought, like

1:03:54

that's what's gonna happen. And that's why I

1:03:56

don't feel out of place at the party.

1:03:59

But if you were expecting me to just kind

1:04:01

of have two second conversations with lots of

1:04:03

people and just hang around, that's not how I

1:04:06

like to spend my time. And

1:04:08

I've got a look for, I can still

1:04:10

be at a big party and look for

1:04:12

my community. And I think again, it goes

1:04:14

back to what you're saying is knowing yourself

1:04:16

where people just go, oh no, I just

1:04:18

don't like big parties. It's like, no, no,

1:04:20

no, but there's a way in every space

1:04:23

in every world. It's kind of like people

1:04:25

who have judgments about New York or LA

1:04:27

or London or whatever it is. We can

1:04:29

have these broad strokes judgments. It's like, no,

1:04:31

you can create what you want here. It

1:04:34

does exist. It just depends

1:04:36

on if it exists in the way you

1:04:38

want to create and how it works for you.

1:04:40

But let's not sit around here and go,

1:04:42

it's not possible in this place. Because that's like

1:04:44

saying, one day you're going to get to

1:04:46

the point where you go, There's no one's my

1:04:48

type on planet Earth, right? And it's like,

1:04:51

that's not a healthy mindset to have. Absolutely. And

1:04:53

it goes back to the idea of judging.

1:04:55

Again, we start to judge, which is a language

1:04:57

of fear, and we start to limit. We're

1:04:59

like, oh, no, I've met three people at this

1:05:01

party. This isn't my crowd. And also for

1:05:03

folks listening who are thinking, well, what about, you

1:05:05

know, I'm at work or I have to

1:05:07

wear a certain mask to survive those places? I

1:05:10

completely understand. And the best way to counter

1:05:12

that is when you're done with that, go to

1:05:14

a place you belong. We all have to

1:05:16

be in places and we all have to play

1:05:18

the game to fit in sometimes. It's

1:05:20

not, you know, we have to survive and

1:05:22

that might be part of the game. But

1:05:25

then to counteract that, to avoid burning out

1:05:27

by doing that, go ahead and be in

1:05:29

a situation where you belong. Be with your

1:05:31

people, be with your tribe. And again, it

1:05:33

still starts internally by figuring out who you

1:05:35

authentically are. Well said. There's one quote that

1:05:37

I picked out here just because I loved

1:05:39

it. You said, our broken heart

1:05:42

is an open heart. And

1:05:44

that said so much to

1:05:46

me because I felt that if

1:05:48

my heart's ever been broken,

1:05:50

it's only led me to more

1:05:52

compassion, more context.

1:05:55

But I wanted to hear why

1:05:57

you inspired to write our broken

1:05:59

heart is open heart. I think

1:06:01

for me specifically, it's this idea

1:06:03

that when The idea in

1:06:06

your head doesn't match the idea in

1:06:08

front of you. Our expectations of life

1:06:10

don't match the reality. That's kind of

1:06:12

what we define as unhappiness. And

1:06:14

I think that's an opportunity to,

1:06:16

hey, on a lower vibration,

1:06:18

feel sorry for ourselves and reaffirm

1:06:21

that life is so challenging, life is

1:06:23

so difficult. But there's also an

1:06:25

opportunity to grow. Once we let

1:06:27

go of that idea, I'm like, well, there's

1:06:29

something to grow from here. So when our

1:06:31

heart is broken, when everything that we thought

1:06:34

is no longer the case, whether it's

1:06:36

a broken relationship, whether it's losing something

1:06:38

you care about, losing an identity, losing

1:06:41

money, whatever it may be, there's

1:06:43

an opportunity to grow in there. It's

1:06:45

almost like a broken heart is

1:06:47

an open mind, like that idea that

1:06:49

now I can actually allow for

1:06:51

life. there's like now you're oh now

1:06:54

we're paying attention yeah all of

1:06:56

a sudden things aren't moving according to

1:06:58

plan and now we're actually focused

1:07:00

and we're present and we're paying attention

1:07:02

to things and there's a lot

1:07:04

of opportunity there versus just assuming everything

1:07:06

was going to be on autopilot

1:07:09

this idea of the happily ever after

1:07:11

you know these linear ideas it's

1:07:13

like no we're going to continually be

1:07:15

in these cycles and anticipate things

1:07:17

happening And everybody listening knows how transformative

1:07:19

that first heartbreak was, whatever it

1:07:22

may be, and how much resilience can

1:07:24

come from the moment it happens.

1:07:26

I can't, I can't be here anymore.

1:07:28

I can't deal with this. And

1:07:30

then as time goes by, we start

1:07:32

building resilience from it. And then

1:07:35

all of a sudden we are a

1:07:37

much more rounded three dimensional version

1:07:39

of ourselves because of it. These hard

1:07:41

times. That form us and

1:07:43

formulate us as people and and this is

1:07:45

why it's the idea of like look

1:07:47

Obviously, I don't want to have super heavy

1:07:49

days every single day But I got

1:07:51

to be able to trust myself to deal

1:07:53

with them or at least try my

1:07:55

best to deal with them and At the

1:07:57

very least, not sabotage myself by not

1:07:59

sleeping enough, not eating the right foods, not

1:08:01

drinking enough water, not hanging out with

1:08:03

people that give me energy. And

1:08:05

I think that there's something important there. So

1:08:07

I always look at it, especially as my

1:08:09

life has progressed, where it's like the things

1:08:12

that are breaking my heart right now are

1:08:14

absolutely out of control. The people that I

1:08:16

care about who have health issues, there's nothing

1:08:18

I can do. I catch myself avoiding messages. getting

1:08:20

updates on some of these folks because

1:08:22

it just breaks my heart to think about.

1:08:25

And it's like, this is me avoiding

1:08:27

because it's so overwhelming. But I speak to

1:08:29

myself with grace and say, look, it's

1:08:31

overwhelming. Let's get you back to

1:08:33

where you got to get to. Let's feel better.

1:08:35

And then we're going to lean into this.

1:08:37

We have to lean into this because there's going

1:08:39

to be some growth that comes from it.

1:08:41

The fact that this impacts you so much, it's

1:08:43

a sign that you care. And that's beautiful

1:08:45

because we need to care about more things in

1:08:47

this life. I think the anxiety around aging and

1:08:50

death for ourselves and the

1:08:52

people we love is without a

1:08:54

doubt the anxiety we avoid

1:08:56

the most. The anxiety of,

1:08:58

oh my God, I'm getting older. Oh

1:09:01

my God, someone in my life

1:09:03

is unwell, diseased. God, someone

1:09:05

just died. There's such an anxiety around

1:09:07

that. What have you found

1:09:09

to be helpful at that time as

1:09:11

you're going through it? What would

1:09:13

you wish you would have been told

1:09:16

or what do you wish people

1:09:18

would hear? in order to

1:09:20

help soothe that anxiety. There was

1:09:22

something beautiful I heard from a

1:09:24

scientist on Instagram. I don't remember

1:09:26

her name. She said, you know,

1:09:28

life was not beginning and ending.

1:09:31

Life began once, you

1:09:33

know, and we're all a part of it. We

1:09:35

don't have a life. We are life.

1:09:37

We're a drop in this ocean. And

1:09:39

I think there's something really beautiful about that,

1:09:41

which is, you know, this is, depending

1:09:44

on your beliefs, this can be a

1:09:46

vacation from not existing. And

1:09:48

we can choose this existence to be

1:09:50

whatever we want it to be. And

1:09:52

I think for me, it's been realizing, and

1:09:54

actually I have a tattoo on my chest inverted

1:09:56

so I can read it in the mirror

1:09:58

so that any moment you dust. And

1:10:01

it was inspired by a friend who

1:10:03

had said it, but another friend, and I

1:10:05

specifically remember where I was when he

1:10:07

said, he goes, our problems are only real

1:10:09

because we forget we're going to die. And

1:10:12

when we think about all of these things, we're

1:10:14

zooming in so much into our lives, but it's

1:10:16

like, we've heard the cliche, well, this matter in

1:10:18

five years, 10 years. Will it matter in 90

1:10:20

years? Will it matter in 200 years? Are any

1:10:23

of us making out of this alive? And

1:10:25

I think there's something really beautiful about that where

1:10:27

it's like, we can only enjoy a movie because

1:10:29

we know what's gonna end. If

1:10:31

it was going on forever, if it was one of

1:10:33

those TV shows that go on forever, we may not

1:10:35

appreciate it as much. It's the finite ism of it.

1:10:37

And I think that has to do with life as

1:10:39

well. In the book, I make a lot of jokes,

1:10:41

and one of the big jokes is the secret pill

1:10:44

to get rid of anxiety. I make

1:10:46

up a joke about it, but

1:10:48

at the end, I'm like, the actual

1:10:50

magic pill is remembered as you're

1:10:52

going to die. When you're in these

1:10:54

moments that just feel completely overwhelming,

1:10:56

if you can remember not just with

1:10:58

your brain, but with your body,

1:11:00

that you were going to die. And

1:11:02

we have so many examples of

1:11:04

that in history with people who have

1:11:06

experienced near -death experiences and then have

1:11:08

thrived. because they realized, I'm

1:11:10

here for a deeper purpose. I'm here

1:11:12

for a bigger purpose. I survived, you

1:11:14

know, 50 cents, survived nine shots, and

1:11:16

all of a sudden thrived in his

1:11:19

career. It's like, that's the worst it

1:11:21

can get, me not existing. So let's

1:11:23

go. It's no longer fear of embarrassment,

1:11:25

fear of rejection, fear of not being

1:11:27

seen. Because some of these are the

1:11:29

things that we just forget. We're living

1:11:31

creatures that won't be here forever. And

1:11:33

I think reminding yourself of that is

1:11:35

really important. And there's a Buddhist in

1:11:37

Eastern philosophy around, Make it your

1:11:39

goal to remember your mortality five

1:11:41

times a day and watch the quality

1:11:43

of your life improve Allow that

1:11:45

make that part of the mantra make

1:11:48

that part of the daily Affirmations

1:11:50

that I won't be here forever pick

1:11:52

the year that you know like

1:11:54

in the year 2235 neither of us

1:11:56

will be here Okay, let's remember

1:11:58

that when we're worried about sending a

1:12:00

text message and not getting a

1:12:02

reply or when we worried about putting

1:12:04

ourselves out there and potentially getting

1:12:06

rejected or when we worried about anything

1:12:08

else. And I think that's really

1:12:11

important. This isn't to minimize anybody's problems.

1:12:13

It's to minimize the unnecessary stress

1:12:15

that we may come with that. And

1:12:17

then we can realize that this

1:12:19

stress isn't holding us back. This stress

1:12:21

can actually stretch us to reveal

1:12:23

our potential of who we can actually

1:12:25

be. Pressure builds diamonds. We

1:12:27

can really become something beautiful and

1:12:29

massive from this when we no

1:12:32

longer view challenges as an attack

1:12:34

on our existence, but instead an

1:12:36

opportunity for us to grow, for

1:12:38

us to thrive, for us to

1:12:40

increase our capacity to not only

1:12:42

be amazing to ourselves, but to

1:12:44

be amazing to other people. And

1:12:46

there's a reason why Stoicism has

1:12:49

momentum, Mori. There's a reason why

1:12:51

Buddhism has the statement you shared.

1:12:53

There's a reason why these wisdom

1:12:55

traditions will remind us of that.

1:12:58

impermanence and and insignificance to some degree

1:13:00

and again i love what you

1:13:02

said it's not in a negative way

1:13:04

it's not in a morbid way

1:13:06

it's actually to free yourself of the

1:13:09

pressure and stress you put on

1:13:11

yourself. Absolutely. And I think, even now,

1:13:13

we have these concepts of legacy. There's

1:13:16

also this stretch of, oh, I want to

1:13:18

be alive after I'm not alive. And these are

1:13:20

stories that we're being told that we think

1:13:22

are important. And I remember seeing an interview with

1:13:24

Alex Ramosy where he spoke about, when's the

1:13:26

last time you thought about the Queen of England?

1:13:29

She was really popular, and then she passed away.

1:13:31

And we're not thinking about her on a

1:13:33

date. We don't need to have legacy. Let's

1:13:35

enjoy what we have while we have it. The only thing

1:13:38

we have is the present. Especially when we

1:13:40

speak about Eastern philosophy, especially for people listening

1:13:42

here, it really is us having to unlearn

1:13:44

a lot of the stories that we were

1:13:46

told. We were told these linear stories. Do

1:13:48

this, do this, do this, get over this

1:13:50

hump, and then everything will be smooth sailing.

1:13:52

It will be happily ever after. You can

1:13:54

ride off into the sunset. Everything will be

1:13:56

great. And it's like, no, there's always a

1:13:58

day after happily ever after. And

1:14:01

instead of wishing for an easier life,

1:14:03

let's work towards being able to hold

1:14:05

more weight. because the weight's going to

1:14:07

keep coming. And just as you're working

1:14:09

out, 15 years from now, the amount of

1:14:11

effort you put working out will have to increase

1:14:13

just for you to maintain where you're at. So

1:14:15

it's the same thing with our mental

1:14:18

health. Right now, our avoiding, our distracting,

1:14:20

our medicating is us maintaining. And

1:14:22

by all means, maintain. But at some

1:14:24

point, we want to get to the

1:14:26

point where we're actually growing from it.

1:14:28

And that's going to require us leaning

1:14:30

into things being more difficult, having more

1:14:32

difficult conversations, acknowledging difficult realities

1:14:34

like our death. I'm with

1:14:36

a poet. The book is called

1:14:38

Unanxious, 50 Simple Truths to

1:14:40

Help Overthinkers Feel Less Stress and

1:14:42

More Calm. As always, I

1:14:44

love your books, Humble, because the

1:14:46

way you divide up these

1:14:48

50 lessons is so beautiful and

1:14:50

it's so easy to digest,

1:14:52

easy to understand. There's highlighted statements.

1:14:54

There's quotes. Each section

1:14:56

of the 50 is like,

1:14:59

you know, two, three pages. Thank

1:15:01

you for always making complex,

1:15:03

big. difficult topics, simple, easy, and

1:15:05

accessible for everyone to understand.

1:15:07

Congratulations. Thank you, man.

1:15:09

I just want to thank you. This

1:15:11

is also a moment of closing the

1:15:13

loop for me, because you gave me

1:15:15

a beautiful blurb on the book. But

1:15:18

it was because I was brainstorming the

1:15:20

ideas to you over dinner, and you

1:15:22

were having authentic reactions to them. And

1:15:24

it was like this journey for the

1:15:26

last two and a half years writing

1:15:28

this book, There's also just these moments

1:15:30

of you coming to visit in New

1:15:32

York, us having a meal, us

1:15:34

playing FIFA, playing a lot of FIFA. And

1:15:37

just for the record, I want everyone to

1:15:39

know, Jay is the most frustrating person to play

1:15:41

FIFA with, because whenever you score on him,

1:15:43

he'll congratulate you. He'll be like... great job that

1:15:45

was an awesome goal he'll still beat you

1:15:47

but he'll do that so it's like you can't

1:15:50

even like talk crap to him it's so

1:15:52

frustrating to like play somebody who beats you but

1:15:54

doesn't hold space for crap talk instead he'll

1:15:56

just like oh let's watch the replay of that

1:15:58

goal you got on me that was so

1:16:00

good and then he'll score five more goals

1:16:02

on me and it's so it's extremely frustrating and

1:16:04

but one thing that you said the last

1:16:07

time we played is I had music playing I

1:16:09

had the volume down And then you're like,

1:16:11

this feels different. We turn the music off, we

1:16:13

put the volume on the game, you're like,

1:16:15

oh, I like this. This gives me the right

1:16:17

type of anxiety. What

1:16:19

I realized is while writing this book,

1:16:21

I just have all these milestones. of

1:16:24

having all these different hangouts with you and

1:16:26

running these ideas with you. And I feel like

1:16:28

today, having this conversation with you, having the

1:16:30

book in your hand right now, it's this full

1:16:32

circle moment, which kind of closes the loop.

1:16:34

And I think it's that journey. It really is

1:16:37

that journey that matters less than, oh, I

1:16:39

have a book out now and I have

1:16:41

to worry about how the book does. It's like,

1:16:43

no, I got to have so much fun

1:16:45

doing this with some of my favorite people. And

1:16:47

you definitely are one of those people. So

1:16:49

I deeply appreciate you for being. endlessly supportive of

1:16:51

this and all my projects man. No man

1:16:53

it was it was fun it was it was

1:16:56

uh the best thing is hearing about your

1:16:58

friends working on stuff and working on it

1:17:00

with them and you do the same for me

1:17:02

and just I think that is the joy

1:17:04

of it like and you're right that is the

1:17:06

best part about it yeah and the fact

1:17:08

that now people can dive into it's beautiful and

1:17:10

yeah I wrote on the front cover three

1:17:12

pages in you'll feel a thousand pounds lighter And

1:17:15

I really feel that way. It's just

1:17:17

made so simple. It's made so easy and

1:17:19

digestible. And I think that's what we

1:17:21

all need right now. The world's complex enough.

1:17:23

You talk about that in the book, family

1:17:26

life, it's all complex enough.

1:17:28

We don't need growth to be

1:17:30

complex. Yes, especially now with

1:17:32

change. Just please remember, the change

1:17:34

isn't the enemy. Us

1:17:36

resisting this change is what's going

1:17:38

to give us more anxious feelings. The

1:17:41

change is going to happen regardless. Change is a

1:17:43

promise. It's a constant. Wherever you

1:17:45

are in the world, we're all experiencing

1:17:47

a lot of change and that's okay. And

1:17:50

if it gets overwhelming, that's also okay. But

1:17:52

please, the more we resist, the tighter we

1:17:54

hold against it, the more that we're just

1:17:56

doing damage to ourselves. It's not going to

1:17:58

be helpful. So let's embrace the change that's

1:18:00

happening. Be curious about the

1:18:02

change because that's where our courage can be. and

1:18:06

grab a copy of the book, Unanxious. It's

1:18:08

available right now. Make sure you follow Humble

1:18:11

across social media. If you don't already and

1:18:13

Humble, I hope you come back many, many

1:18:15

more times to have more of these conversations

1:18:17

and I can't wait to hang this weekend

1:18:19

and chat more as well, my friends. Thank

1:18:21

you, brother. Thank you so much. I'm super

1:18:23

proud of you and really grateful for what

1:18:25

you're doing in the world and excited for

1:18:27

people to read this. Thank you, man. Thank

1:18:29

you, brother. If this is the year that

1:18:31

you're trying to get creative, you're trying to

1:18:33

build more, I need you to listen to

1:18:36

this episode with Rick Rubin on how to

1:18:38

break into your most creative self, how

1:18:40

to use unconventional methods that lead

1:18:42

to success and the secret to genuinely

1:18:44

loving what you do. If you're

1:18:46

trying to find your passion and your

1:18:49

lane, Rick Rubin's episode

1:18:51

is the one for you. Just because

1:18:53

I like it, that doesn't give

1:18:55

it any value. Like, as an artist,

1:18:57

if you like it, that's all

1:18:59

of the value. That's the success comes

1:19:01

when you say, I like this

1:19:03

enough for other people to see it.

1:19:05

This podcast is supported by BetterHelp,

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