0:00

These are the nine things you need

0:02

to know about love. The Number one health

0:05

and Wellness podcast Jay Sety

0:07

Jay Sety

0:08

s Hey

0:12

everyone, thanks so much for tuning back

0:15

into on Purpose. I appreciate it

0:17

so much. Today we're diving into

0:19

one of the most important topics in

0:21

all of our lives love and

0:24

love isn't just about romantic relationships.

0:26

It's about understanding ourselves, building

0:29

meaningful connections, and growing

0:31

into the best versions of who we

0:33

are. So in this special compilation

0:36

episode, I've gathered wisdom

0:38

from some of the best minds out there

0:40

to help you navigate love with more

0:43

clarity, confidence, and

0:45

purpose. Number One,

0:47

how do we know if someone is wasting

0:49

our time, whether it's a relationship

0:51

that feels stagnant or a connection

0:54

that just doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

0:57

We need to recognize the signs

0:59

to break it down. For us, we have

1:02

Stefan Speaks, relationship

1:04

coach, speaker, and best selling

1:06

author. He's helped millions navigate

1:09

love with honesty and self awareness.

1:11

Let's hear what he has to say.

1:13

So to me again, I think it always starts

1:15

withself, and you have to be honest with yourself

1:18

about why are you still here, why

1:20

are you holding on what's really driving

1:22

you? Because, just using

1:24

an example, let's say you're a woman

1:27

and the only reason why you're holding onto his

1:29

guys because he's a nice guy. You

1:31

don't feel like starting the process over with somebody

1:33

else. So even though you're not feeling

1:35

it with him, you figure, let me try to make it

1:37

work. You're wasting your time. This

1:40

is where you're setting yourself up a disaster every

1:42

single time. So if

1:45

it's not born out of a true

1:47

connection love, a

1:49

genuine desire, you really like this

1:51

individual. Of course, there's always things we have to

1:53

work through, but is the foundation

1:56

strong enough for us to say, okay, we can

1:58

make something special here? And I think

2:00

once we are honest with ourselves, that kind

2:02

of helps answer the question. Because

2:05

sometimes we get so caught up trying to analyze

2:07

the other individual that it's

2:09

like we get in our heads and now we're missing

2:11

the mark on what's really important here, and

2:14

we can't always say for

2:16

sure what's going on with them.

2:18

I will say that in general, if this

2:20

person isn't willing to talk about things,

2:22

they're wasting your time. If they're not willing

2:24

to address or correct things that have been

2:26

talked about they're wasting your time if

2:29

you guys aren't on the same page about what

2:31

you want and where you want to go in life, wasting

2:34

time. So there are some things I think we can

2:36

just look at and say, listen, this is pointless here.

2:38

But a lot of times, and I have to

2:40

say this, especially for women, women's

2:43

intuition is extremely powerful.

2:45

I'm a huge believer in it, and.

2:47

I feel like women know very early

2:49

this isn't it, but they rationalize

2:52

reasons to convince themselves to give this man

2:54

a chance. And this again, is

2:56

a waste of time because it just doesn't work.

2:59

I've seen people will turn

3:01

what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating

3:04

into years of being married to

3:06

someone they were not happy with, all

3:08

because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning.

3:11

They knew what it was, but they just could

3:13

not accept it for what it was.

3:15

I mean, I love that it's such

3:17

an important reminder trust

3:19

your intuition and be honest with yourself.

3:22

Sometimes we overanalyze the other

3:25

person instead of checking in with

3:27

our own feelings. Now,

3:29

let's go even deeper. Number

3:31

two, How do we know if what

3:33

we're feeling is true? Connection?

3:36

Or just chemistry. Stefan

3:38

explains the difference.

3:40

Are you even being yourself or can you be yourself

3:42

with this individual? If you're

3:45

presenting your representative, then

3:47

this is not a real connection. This is them falling

3:50

for that person that you're presenting. But that's

3:52

not real. So to me,

3:55

you should be already

3:57

being yourself. But with that person you have a connection

3:59

with, it's a more natural flow. We don't have

4:01

to force it. We just feel so much more

4:03

comfortable around them.

4:05

I think.

4:06

In addition to that is when you

4:08

when you find yourself all caught up in the moment

4:11

and caught up in that chemistry again,

4:13

you have to ask yourself, what am I really

4:16

attaching myself to? What do

4:18

I really like about this individual? What I find

4:20

is that when it's really about chemistry,

4:23

we're still on the surface. You

4:25

don't really know about them

4:27

yet. You just know you guys had a good time.

4:29

Maybe you had fun at this event. You

4:31

guys were able to talk about a lot of different

4:33

things, which is great, which is gonna also

4:36

be important if there is a connection. However,

4:39

do you even know what kind relationship they want?

4:42

Do you know kind of life they want to live? You

4:44

know, are you guys really on the same page. I

4:46

think connection is our paths

4:49

align, our purposes aligned.

4:51

So for us to align, we have to have

4:54

a deeper understanding of where we're headed and

4:56

can we head there together. So that's

4:58

why I think though you may feel

5:00

it, or you may feel like you're feeling

5:03

it, you have to do your due diligence

5:05

to dig deeper to find out Okay, it's

5:07

just just I got caught up on the surface, or

5:10

there is something real here. And I

5:12

think once we ask enough questions, because

5:14

I think that's the other big problem.

5:16

We have this.

5:17

Experience where we feel this chemistry, we're so

5:19

excited, and now we're afraid

5:21

to ask questions because we don't want to blow up

5:23

the fantasy. Yes, you know what I'm saying. It's

5:25

like, no, no, I want to keep believing this is great.

5:28

So let me not ask anything, let me not run this

5:30

personal way, let me not rock the boat. But

5:32

that's gonna be what tells us if this is real

5:35

or not.

5:35

I think for so many people, you set unrealistic

5:38

expectations and who you are yes, and

5:40

that's hard to come back from.

5:42

Absolutely, And that's why it's so important

5:44

for us to know who we are so that

5:46

we can present the real from the jump,

5:49

you know, because again, a lot of times people you

5:51

know this idea that we're always changing.

5:54

Yes, I do think we're always evolving, but

5:56

some of the big shifts that you see

5:59

is not because that's just the way life is. Is because

6:01

you did take the time to figure yourself out

6:04

first, and then you got with this person

6:06

and now you want them to adjust. Now, thank

6:08

god for you, she was able to adjust. But

6:10

there's a lot of people that they can't handle that, and

6:13

now everything falls apart from there. And so that's

6:15

why, Yeah, we have to be very careful with

6:17

what we're presenting from the beginning.

6:19

That's pure gold. Chemistry can

6:21

feel intense, but it doesn't always

6:24

mean long term compatibility. Now,

6:27

let's shift gears number three.

6:30

Maybe you're single and wondering am

6:32

I behind? If you've ever felt

6:34

that way, this next guest

6:36

is for you. Lorie Gottlieb is a psychotherapist,

6:40

author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,

6:42

and the relationship expert who's here

6:45

to remind us why being single at

6:47

twenty eight or any age is

6:49

not a bad thing.

6:50

You are exactly where you need to

6:52

be if you are doing the

6:54

work. If you're not doing the work,

6:57

you're going to be behind. And what I

6:59

mean by doing the work work is if

7:01

you are not in a place where you want to be

7:03

with a relationship, you have to understand why.

7:06

So are you examining what has not worked

7:08

yet? Why if

7:10

I am single and I don't want to be single,

7:13

what can I be doing differently? And

7:15

so I think that's the important work. So you're not

7:17

behind it all. In fact, you're probably ahead of

7:19

people who are in relationships who have not

7:21

done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship

7:24

or are in a relationship that's not going to last

7:26

or isn't going well.

7:27

Why is it that we struggle to

7:30

actually do the work? What does that look

7:32

like?

7:32

I think it's so much easier when we talk to our

7:34

friends, and you know, I've talked about the

7:36

difference between idiot compassion and why is compassion

7:39

before idiot compassion is you say

7:41

to your friend, look what happened on this date,

7:43

or look what happened with this person, and

7:45

they say.

7:46

Yeah, you're right, they're wrong, and.

7:48

We never learn or grow from that right

7:50

because yes, there might be something that the other

7:52

person did, but also what was your

7:55

role in that interaction? A relationship

7:57

is all about relating, So what

7:59

was your role in the dance that you're doing

8:01

with this person? And what you

8:03

get in therapy is you get wise compassion

8:05

where we hold up a mirror to you and we

8:08

help you to see something about you,

8:10

know what your role is, maybe something

8:12

you haven't been willing or able to see. But

8:14

that's so important, So you don't repeat

8:17

these situations where you're in this pattern.

8:20

And then you wonder, why do I keep ending

8:22

up with a person who doesn't

8:24

listen to me, or a person where I don't feel seen,

8:26

or where I can't be myself, or where

8:28

we have a lot of volatility, or where

8:31

this person's really avoidant? Why am I always

8:33

with people who avoid or what makes me

8:35

avoid? And I don't talk to the person

8:37

about what I want or what I need. So

8:40

that's the work that's really important. So you're not behind

8:42

if you're single at twenty eight, it's part

8:44

of the process. If you're doing the work, you're

8:46

much closer than you've ever been to finding

8:49

the person that you want to be with.

8:51

I love that perspective. It's

8:53

not about timelines, it's about doing

8:55

the work, But why do we resist

8:58

the work? Number four? Why

9:00

is self awareness so hard? Laurie's

9:03

got some powerful insights on how understanding

9:05

all patterns can help us build

9:08

better relationships.

9:09

We have this saying we marry our unfinished business.

9:12

We date our unfinished business too. So

9:14

if you, let's say, earlier in your life,

9:16

you are around someone who was

9:19

neglectful, somebody who drank

9:21

too much, somebody who lost

9:23

their temper, somebody who wasn't

9:25

honest, somebody who wasn't reliable. We

9:28

think when we're dating as adults,

9:30

like I want the opposite of that. I want someone

9:32

where I feel safe, secure, there's trust.

9:35

But what happens is unconsciously.

9:38

Again, if we haven't done the work our unfinished

9:40

business, we actually are unconsciousness.

9:43

Oh you look familiar. Come closer.

9:45

So on the surface, they don't look like that person.

9:48

But then when you get to know them, you're a month in,

9:50

you're three months in, you're six months in, you

9:52

think, wow, that person reminds

9:54

me of someone. This person feels

9:57

so familiar, and that's why I was

9:59

drawn to this person. It turns out this

10:01

person is very much like what I

10:03

grew up with, is very much like the

10:05

person who hurt me growing up? So

10:07

if you do the work, you're able to

10:10

see, oh that person,

10:12

I see why I'm drawn to them, but I'm not drawn

10:14

to them a healthy way. And then if you do even

10:16

more work, you're not even drawn to those people

10:18

anymore. Now you're drawn to healthy people,

10:21

stable people, flexible

10:23

people, emotionally generous people, people

10:25

whose values align with yours. That's

10:27

who you're drawn to. So you have to

10:30

do the work.

10:30

Is there a healthy way of future

10:33

tripping with the person? Is there a collective

10:35

collaborative future tripping?

10:37

Like?

10:37

What does that look like?

10:38

I think the future tripping is being in the present, And

10:40

what I mean is what's happening now

10:43

is what is going to look like in the future. So

10:45

instead of imagining, oh, this person will change

10:47

in this way, or we're going

10:50

to have this kind of life, but you don't know if the other

10:52

person wants that kind of life. If you're not talking

10:54

about it now in the present, you

10:56

don't know how does this person treat

10:58

me?

10:58

Now?

10:59

What is it like when we together? The biggest

11:01

indicator would be we had

11:03

a disagreement. How did we get through it?

11:06

That's what your future is going to look like.

11:08

We didn't agree on this. We

11:10

were frustrated with each other. We had a difference

11:13

of opinion. How did we

11:15

repair that rupture? We talk a lot about

11:17

rupture and repair. Everybody's going to have

11:19

ruptures. You have it with your family

11:21

members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your

11:24

parents, with your children, especially

11:26

with your romantic partners, because we have this

11:28

misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture

11:31

with them because we're so in love and we see

11:33

each other and we see eye to eye. But of course

11:35

you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much whether

11:37

you're going to have a rupture, it's what do you

11:39

do with it and what does it look like. So if

11:42

you have been dating for let's say six

11:44

months, and you haven't had a rupture, you

11:46

guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't know

11:48

each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior.

11:51

You have to be able to be yourselves. That's

11:53

going to tell you what the future looks like. So

11:56

stop the pretending. Be yourself,

11:59

Be what you want your future to look like, Act

12:01

like you want your future to look like. See how

12:03

the other person acts, and see what happens

12:05

between the two of you and a repair would

12:08

look like something like, oh,

12:10

I didn't you know we're having a disagreement right

12:12

now, Why don't we take fifteen

12:15

minutes and let's

12:17

come back when we're not so heated and

12:19

let's talk about that. Or you know, you made a mistake.

12:23

You know what I've been thinking about this. You

12:25

know, say you have an argument, you say, we're

12:27

not going to talk for a few minutes, let's go cool

12:29

off.

12:29

Whatever.

12:31

You call them back and you say, you know what I thought

12:33

about it. I was wrong and

12:35

I'm so sorry. Here's what I did, and

12:38

I wish I had done it this way. And

12:41

that's great if your partner can do that, or if

12:43

you can do that right, and then if your

12:45

partner then can accept that without shaming

12:47

you, if your partner can say, I really

12:49

appreciate that, and I wish that I had

12:51

reacted differently in this way, and

12:54

how can I be more supportive in those moments.

12:57

That's beautiful, that's your future, but

13:00

you have to see it in the present. You can't imagine

13:03

what the future is going to be. You have to actually live

13:05

it in the present and say, oh, now

13:07

I know it's going to be just like it is right now.

13:10

Now that's a wake up call. Sometimes

13:13

doing the work means facing things

13:15

we'd rather avoid, but that's

13:17

the only way to grow. Number

13:19

five, What if we keep attracting the

13:21

same type of relationships over

13:24

and over? Doctor Joe Despenser,

13:26

neuroscientist, researcher, and

13:29

expert on rewiring the brain, explains

13:32

how we can break free from those cycles

13:34

and attract relationships that truly

13:37

align with us.

13:38

Typically, it usually takes

13:41

a crisis or a

13:43

disease, or a diagnosis, or a trauma,

13:45

or a loss or a betrayal for

13:48

a person to really decide is this

13:51

really who I want to continue to be? So my

13:54

message is why wait for that right? So,

13:57

there's nothing wrong with saying I want to be in a

13:59

relationship. I want the

14:02

following things in a relationship from

14:04

this person or what might

14:07

be my ideal relationship.

14:09

I think people have an image

14:12

in their mind of what they like, or

14:14

what their type is, or

14:16

whatever they I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But

14:19

I think what people are really looking for is

14:21

connection and

14:24

joy. Like people should be in a relationship.

14:27

The reason they should be in a relationship is

14:30

to be overjoyed, to be with a person

14:32

that you're with, right, you want joy in your life.

14:35

For me, it would make sense then if the person

14:37

got very clear on what they wanted, then

14:40

they should start on the journey to become

14:42

that very person. They

14:44

should really work on being that

14:46

very person that they want. So there would have

14:48

to be some change

14:51

that they would have to make in

14:53

order to be worthy enough to create

14:56

a person that they would attract in their life. And we

14:58

cannot attract to

15:00

anything in our life that we feel separate from

15:03

Trusting in a future

15:05

that you can't see your experience, you

15:07

have to lay down the very thing you use your whole

15:09

life to get what you want to

15:11

trust that something greater could happen. And that's

15:14

not something that's very easy. So I

15:16

like the idea that it wouldn't

15:18

happen on

15:22

a date that was from an app.

15:25

It could happen in a bank, It could happen

15:27

at a seminar, it could happen in the grocery

15:29

store, you know, in a way

15:32

that you least expect, right, And

15:34

I think that when we get to

15:36

a point where we're so happy

15:38

with ourselves, we're no longer looking

15:41

because we feel like we already have it. I think

15:44

that's the state where people attract

15:46

an.

15:46

Equal become the person you want

15:49

to attract. When we focus on our

15:51

own growth, the right relationships

15:53

naturally follow number six.

15:56

What about manifesting lot? How

15:58

do we stop chasing and start

16:00

aligning? Josha is why

16:02

joy and presence are the key to

16:05

attracting the right partner.

16:07

We're conditioned in a way to like, Okay,

16:09

I need something out there.

16:11

I need the experience to proof, I

16:13

need the event to occur, and

16:16

the end product of that event or experience

16:18

is called an emotion. The emotion takes away

16:20

the lack or separation from

16:22

not having it, so or waiting for the event

16:25

to occur to take away the

16:27

feeling of separation or lack. And

16:29

actually that's not the

16:31

healthiest way to create. And actually

16:34

we should feel the emotion of

16:37

the experience before it happens,

16:40

so that if you're feeling the emotion of

16:42

that future before it happens, truly feeling

16:44

it, you wouldn't be looking for it. You would

16:46

only be looking for it when you felt separate

16:48

from it. Right, So can you maintain

16:51

that state? Because the only

16:53

way you're going to believe in

16:56

that future is you have to feel the emotion

16:58

associated with it. The moment you

17:00

feel the lack and the separation, you're going to

17:02

believe in the past. And there's a story

17:04

that goes along with the past that

17:07

has everything to do with the dating is hard, or finding

17:09

a person or whatever. That is the story that

17:11

we tell ourselves that we actually

17:13

accept, believe, and surrender

17:16

to is if it's the truth. Right. So that's

17:18

exactly what programs the subconscious

17:21

mind into a belief. Right,

17:23

So the default

17:27

is so seamless to

17:30

lose that vision or that

17:32

belief in the future. The moment

17:35

we start feeling the emotions of lack or survival

17:37

in the past, right, that's the moment we can't see

17:40

that future any longer because we

17:42

would be looking at that future through

17:44

the lens of the past, and we would doubt

17:47

that that future could actually exist.

17:49

That really resonated with me, the

17:51

idea that we're not searching, we're aligning.

17:54

It's a whole new way to look at love number

17:57

seven. Once we find someone often

18:00

and overthink it is this the

18:02

one? Is there someone better out

18:04

there? That's where Matthew Us, the

18:06

Relationship Coach, a New York Times best

18:08

selling author, comes in He's been coaching

18:10

people for years on how to make love

18:13

work without the mind games.

18:15

Sometimes we're wanting

18:17

something else because there's you

18:20

know, the person that's in front of us isn't compelling

18:22

enough. There really is something lacking

18:25

in that relationship. But

18:27

I do think we have to ask ourselves, what

18:30

what are the things that I really must have for

18:32

an amazing relationship. I'm

18:35

not a you know,

18:37

there's the one out there kind

18:39

of a person. I've never been that way if you look

18:42

anyone looks back through my videos, and you

18:44

know this because we've spoken about it back

18:46

when I was single. You know, I've

18:48

never been a person who

18:50

believes in the idea of the one.

18:53

So I think that it's finding

18:55

someone that we've you know, we

18:58

look at what's really important to us,

19:01

not what's important on an egoic level,

19:03

because I think a lot of the things that make us question

19:06

whether this person is right

19:08

for us are ego based. I don't think they're

19:11

based on how we feel around this person.

19:13

We worry is this the kind of person my friends

19:15

think that I should be with. Do

19:18

they look the part, are they

19:20

my normal type?

19:22

Do they make the right amount of money?

19:24

Yeah?

19:24

Like, has this person come

19:27

in the package that I had always

19:29

told myself they would come in. And

19:32

those things can be really, really limiting,

19:35

and they can have us like constantly

19:37

trying to optimize for some version

19:40

of something that we think we're supposed to

19:42

be with, which is a very dangerous

19:44

way to go about finding love. You can't

19:47

optimize for human beings.

19:50

You can optimize for a lot in life,

19:53

but you're dealing with people. And by the

19:55

way, even if you let go of this person, you're going

19:57

to find someone else who's also imperfect.

20:00

And they might, Okay, this person

20:02

is you know, scores a seven in this

20:04

area and they score a nine, But guess what, they

20:07

score a three in this other area

20:09

that you didn't even know was

20:11

great in this relationship because you took for granted

20:14

how amazing that person was. In that way, Like,

20:16

it's

20:18

very dangerous to optimize

20:20

in that way in our love life. And I've

20:24

come to really believe in life that

20:26

if you find a connection that

20:29

has all the right raw materials

20:32

and you both have the same level of commitment,

20:35

then you can build something extraordinary

20:38

together. And actually the extraordinary

20:40

is the thing you sculpt together. It's

20:43

no different from a career when

20:45

we think of what's like, what are we worried

20:47

about in our love life? For so many of us, it's that we're going

20:49

to settle. Yes, I'm going to settle

20:51

for the wrong person. Well, I

20:54

think we can actually start to reclaim

20:57

the language of settling and

21:00

make it into a very positive thing. What

21:02

if it wasn't settling for

21:05

What if you decided to settle on

21:08

Because when you settle on someone, there's

21:10

a power to that. It's like you resolve

21:13

to say, I'm going to settle on this. I

21:16

have to argue that the benefit I have gotten

21:18

from the pain that I didn't choose

21:21

has been no less valuable than the benefit I've

21:23

gotten from the pain I did choose. In fact,

21:26

actually I think the most valuable pain I've ever

21:28

had is the pain I didn't choose. And

21:31

when you realize that, you

21:34

can kind of almost I think,

21:36

look at some of the worst moments of

21:38

your life as

21:40

like a menu of pain,

21:43

and beside them, I am on the menu is

21:45

the very specific, unique benefits

21:47

that can only come from this kind of pain, And

21:52

you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like

21:55

retroactively choosing that pain, which

21:58

is a very valuable thing to do, because

22:01

I was told by a psychologist about an experiment

22:03

on rats where one

22:06

rat was on a wheel

22:09

and was just given, you know,

22:11

like the free reign to just run

22:13

whenever it wanted to run. There

22:15

was another rat, this was Rat A. Rap

22:18

B was connected to

22:20

that wheel. He was on another wheel that

22:23

was connected to Rat A's wheel,

22:26

and any time Rat

22:28

A chose to run, rap

22:30

B had to run, right,

22:33

So both doing the same amount

22:35

of exercising. But

22:37

at the end of the experiment, rat A shows

22:39

all the positive markers of exercise and

22:42

rap B shows all the negative.

22:43

Markers of stress.

22:44

Oh wow, same

22:47

amount of exercise was the difference.

22:49

Well, rat A chose to run, rap

22:52

B didn't. Anyone who doesn't

22:54

choose you cannot be for you.

22:57

They if they don't see you, Like,

22:59

what is a relationship. It's someone

23:01

sees you, they accept you,

23:04

and they want that. That's

23:07

that's the most beautiful part of a relationship.

23:09

So if someone doesn't see you

23:11

and accept you and want what they see,

23:14

then this relationship is missing the most

23:16

beautiful part of any relationship.

23:19

It shouldn't even.

23:20

Be you know, it shouldn't be desirable

23:22

at that stage because it's not it

23:25

has failed the fundamental test

23:27

of what makes a relationship worth having.

23:29

We're not talking about a person who you

23:31

know, in at least the case I feel,

23:34

we're talking about the person who was taken

23:36

from us by life. We're talking

23:38

about a person who's just walking

23:41

around somewhere, still existing

23:43

on the planet, but choosing not to

23:45

be with us. That

23:48

should lose its romance to us, you

23:51

know, And to say, well, if that's

23:54

the other game we play is if it was a different

23:56

time in life, if they were a bit older,

23:58

they would have been ready to commit, If they

24:01

had been in a different phase where they weren't so busy with

24:03

their work, they might have had the space to really

24:05

give to this relationship. But they said their work

24:07

isn't allowing them to. If it's

24:09

like, we go through all these scenarios

24:12

where it forces

24:14

us into this sad love song of right

24:17

person, wrong time, and

24:20

that's a really pernicious

24:24

story. That's a very

24:26

dangerous story because

24:29

it takes what

24:31

belongs in the realm of science fiction and

24:34

brings it into our reality.

24:36

That's such a fresh take. Stop

24:39

looking for perfect, start building

24:41

something real. Number eight. Sometimes

24:44

love isn't about holding on, It's about

24:47

letting go, and no one explains

24:49

that better than James Cordin,

24:52

comedian, talk show host, and actor.

24:55

He shares a powerful analogy about love and

24:57

letting go that I know will stick

24:59

with you as it has with me. Most

25:01

of us are conditioned to believe when you find something good,

25:04

hold on to it forever, make sure it lasts

25:06

forever, because you never know.

25:08

Well, then you're a kid with a balloon. Yeah

25:11

right, and you go and hold that. I'm

25:13

never I'm never ever going to

25:15

let this balloon go, right, and

25:17

ignoring for this for a second, the environmental

25:20

impact of letting a balloon go. Let's

25:22

talk about it just metaphorically.

25:24

You know that.

25:25

You go, I'm this is my balloon, and

25:27

hold this bround, never ever, ever, ever,

25:30

ever going to let go of this balloon. In fact,

25:32

I'm going to go, I'm going to tie it to my wrist so

25:34

it can't disappear, because that happened to me once

25:37

before, and it you know what i mean, I'm going

25:39

to just you know, that's it, and

25:42

then slowly that balloon will just wilt

25:44

and it will run out of the thing that made

25:46

it great and it will just then be

25:49

Then it's tied to your wrist and you're dragging

25:51

it behind you, right, and actually

25:54

there's something quite beautiful. And

25:57

again, environmentally, I'm not encouraging

25:59

this. We didn't know

26:01

about this when we were kids. When

26:03

you let go of a balloon, it's magical, magical.

26:09

And then you see it and you're like, oh my god,

26:11

I used to have that, I used to hold

26:13

onto that. Look at it now. Look

26:16

it's just that's amazing.

26:19

And then you go and now I haven't got a balloon.

26:22

And then you go, h maybe I'll

26:24

get another one. Yeah, maybe

26:26

there'll be another balloon, and maybe it'll be a

26:29

different shape, or it'll be shinier or whatever.

26:31

It is.

26:32

Like, you've got

26:34

to be able to let go of stuff

26:37

to make new things come

26:41

in. You've got to have the space and the

26:43

time to encounter

26:45

something new. A friend of mine

26:48

a year ago, maybe Less,

26:52

had his heart broken in the

26:55

most brutal

26:57

circumstances. It

27:00

was his first love, first girlfriend,

27:03

and they broke up and he

27:06

was just not

27:09

in a good way. And

27:13

this was his first real proper serious

27:15

girlfriend, certainly the first time he'd

27:18

been in love before. I

27:20

just found myself saying to him, I was like,

27:24

this is great. This

27:27

is great because you really

27:30

only understand what love is once

27:34

your heart's been broken. You

27:36

understand how tender it is. And

27:38

I was like, and you understand it now,

27:40

and what you're looking at this

27:42

all wrong? You get

27:45

to do it again. You

27:47

get to do this again. You're

27:49

going to meet someone else and feel

27:52

all these feelings and perhaps

27:56

you'll go into that relationship learning

27:59

what you've learned from this relationship and

28:01

that will then feed

28:03

that relationship in a different way. And

28:07

he's just met someone, right, Yeah,

28:09

and he's like, oh my god, this is

28:11

amazing.

28:12

And I'm like, yeah, got that balloon again.

28:14

Yeah, Like that's it, that's it.

28:16

And so again, I think it's expectation

28:20

is the thing that makes us hold on to

28:22

stuff. Yeah, if you can just ebb

28:24

and flow with stuff, you're going to find

28:27

it so much easier to take the

28:30

good, the bad, and the everything in between. It's

28:32

just all being good for you.

28:34

This next conversation is really

28:36

close to my heart because it's with someone

28:38

who knows me better than anyone.

28:41

My wife, Roddy. She's not just my

28:43

life partner. She's an incredible nutritionist,

28:46

chef, and advocate for conscious living.

28:48

Over the years We've learned so much

28:51

about love together, what it means

28:53

to grow as individuals, whils staying

28:55

deeply connected as a couple. Number

28:57

nine, How to love fully without

29:00

losing yourself in the process. Radi

29:03

shares a wisdom on maintaining a strong

29:05

sense of self while being in a loving,

29:07

supportive relationship.

29:09

People think that time is the investment, like the amount

29:11

of time you spend with someone is what the

29:13

investment is. This person is willing to spend two hours

29:15

with me, but this person's willing to spend fifteen minutes

29:18

with me. That must mean the two hour person

29:20

values me more, loves me more, cares for me

29:23

more. But what is the quality of those two

29:25

hours? What is the quality of those fifteen minutes?

29:27

Makes such a difference. And I think,

29:30

you know, I've just been so used to

29:32

that concept that that's

29:34

what I always you know, related to

29:37

this friend or this relationship. This person wants to spend

29:39

the most amount of time with me, that must mean you

29:41

know, that person loves me more. And

29:44

so I think that's something I've really

29:46

changed, because you can feel so

29:48

much more fueled from a

29:50

fifteen minute interaction with someone and

29:53

loved with presents than you can with,

29:56

you know, two hours of someone's distracted time,

29:58

and I'm that's something I'm still working

30:00

on as a person of being

30:03

someone who's present. I think it's something

30:05

i've really you know, I've been up and

30:07

down with it. There are different times where my mind can

30:09

just you know, go everywhere and

30:11

do everything and not even be in the same

30:13

room as everybody else that I'm in the room with. But I

30:16

think it's something that I know, it's

30:18

it's it's I want to be working on and something

30:21

I want to be improving on.

30:22

I think a lot of people love people being

30:25

dependent on that definitely because it gives

30:27

them a sense of significance.

30:28

Exactly, especially if you don't know what you're doing in your

30:30

life or if you feel like you're a bit lost helping

30:33

other people. And although that's a great thing when you

30:35

help other people, but the intention

30:37

behind it and what you're receiving from

30:39

it can make a huge difference in

30:42

how you actually feel about it. So like, if

30:44

you're helping someone through intention of genuinely

30:47

caring for them, genuinely helping them, or are

30:49

you helping them because it fuels

30:51

you into feeling valuable

30:54

and therefore, like for me. I remember, it used

30:56

to be just a way that I would throw myself into

30:58

so I didn't have to think about what I

31:00

was doing in my life for how to figure

31:02

out my own things. It was just, Oh,

31:04

this is great. I need to be doing this. This person

31:06

needs my help. I need to

31:09

create this space for myself in

31:11

their life because then I don't have to think about all

31:13

the important stuff I actually need to deal with. So was the

31:15

easier option and more of a selfish option.

31:17

But I think that's a value that

31:20

I have changed.

31:21

I really hope that you got lots of value

31:23

from that. That's why we're doing these compilations.

31:25

I want to make things simple, seamless,

31:27

and practical for you. Love isn't

31:30

just about finding the right person, it's about

31:32

becoming the right person. And through

31:34

all these incredible conversations, one

31:36

thing is clear. Self awareness,

31:39

growth, and intention are at

31:41

the heart of real love. I really hope

31:43

this episode gave you clarity, perspective,

31:46

and inspiration to approach love with

31:48

more purpose. If something resonated

31:50

with you, share it with a friend who needs to hear

31:52

it, and pass this on to someone else. I'll

31:55

see you next time on on purpose. Hey,

31:57

everyone, if you love that conversation,

32:00

go and check out my episode with the world's

32:02

leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb,

32:05

where she answers the biggest questions

32:07

that people ask in therapy when

32:09

it comes to love, relationships,

32:12

heartbreak, and dating. If you're

32:14

trying to figure out that space right now, you

32:16

won't want to miss this conversation.

32:18

If it's a romantic relationship, hold

32:21

hands. It's really hard to

32:23

argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.

32:26

Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.

32:28

It's so lovely.