0:00

This is episode 495. Welcome to Over It

0:02

and On With It. I'm your host

0:04

Christine Hasler, and for over a decade

0:06

I've been a life coach, speaker, and

0:08

author. Each week you'll hear me work

0:10

directly with a caller as I coach

0:12

them through a goal they want to

0:15

accomplish or an obstacle they may be

0:17

facing. I'll provide a blend of practical

0:19

and spiritual advice as well as tangible

0:21

actions you can apply to your own

0:23

life. Now, let's get on with the

0:25

episode. Hi

0:31

everybody and welcome back to the show,

0:33

a special shout out to everyone who

0:35

joined us for our retreat at the

0:37

Art of Living Center. In Boone we

0:39

had a really powerful weekend and it

0:41

was an incredible group there and we

0:43

were so happy and honored to facilitate

0:45

you. I am now in South Carolina,

0:48

I'm speaking here at a YPO

0:50

event and I'm just reminded of

0:52

how different parts of the world

0:54

or country have just different beauty

0:57

and different people and I'm just

0:59

having a lot of gratitude for

1:01

the differences. in life in terms

1:03

of people and in terms of

1:05

architecture and in terms of vegetation,

1:07

all of it. And sometimes differences

1:10

can be really difficult, especially

1:12

with people in our life

1:14

that we're in relationship with.

1:16

We can really struggle to

1:18

understand ourselves with that person.

1:20

And often we realize that

1:22

the differences aren't something that...

1:24

can bring us together. That

1:26

a relationship has reached its

1:28

expiration date and it's time

1:30

for us to move on. And when

1:32

we move on from a relationship or

1:35

really any situation, we can feel like

1:37

we've got a foot in our past

1:39

and our future. And that's really what

1:41

Sarah's experiencing on today's call. She's ready

1:44

to step into the new version of

1:46

herself after getting out of what I

1:48

feel from listening to her was

1:50

an unhealthy relationship. And she's having

1:53

trouble really... recognizing that she's already

1:55

kind of in this new version. This

1:57

will make more sense as you listen

1:59

to that. episode. So as you're

2:01

listening, consider, are you somebody that

2:04

does the go along to get

2:06

along? You know, you really go

2:08

along with things that may go

2:11

against your boundaries, that may go

2:13

against what you truly believe, may

2:15

just actually not be healthy, but

2:18

there's a part of you that's

2:20

too scared to make a change

2:22

or leave? Have you left a

2:25

situation, but you've left part of

2:27

yourself there where you're not really

2:29

embracing the changes you made and

2:32

the new life you have? Do

2:34

you feel that you're going to

2:37

slip back or fall back in

2:39

some way? And finally, can you

2:41

trust, trust life and really trust

2:44

yourself enough to know that you

2:46

have made the most empowering decision

2:48

for you? So keep these questions

2:51

in mind as you listen to

2:53

my coaching episode with Sarah. I'm

2:55

calling today my question is,

2:58

I've been in the last

3:00

15, 17 months, I've been

3:02

moving through a lot of

3:05

grief from the dissolution of

3:07

a 20-year marriage. And the

3:09

place I find myself in

3:11

is kind of like a

3:14

liminal in-between space where the

3:16

majority of like the heavy,

3:18

heavy grieving has... been done

3:21

and I'm feeling a lot

3:23

more grounded and stable. And

3:25

I'm really excited to move

3:27

on and start life again.

3:30

But the position I find

3:32

myself in is still very

3:34

held back by just situational

3:37

things. Really, a lot of

3:39

the legalities of and realities

3:41

of splitting a 20-year marriage

3:43

have not been addressed. And

3:46

yeah, so I don't really

3:48

have like the assets say

3:50

to like go live somewhere

3:53

else or what. So I'm

3:55

kind of living in this

3:57

in-between space and there's a

3:59

bit of fear of like

4:02

how to move forward given

4:04

that I just feel like

4:06

I can't plan whatsoever because

4:09

in some ways I've like

4:11

prepared for all scenarios but

4:13

it's kind of out of

4:15

my hands at this point.

4:18

And if you were to

4:20

summarize that into a feeling

4:22

or like a somatic experience

4:25

in your body, how would

4:27

you describe it? Like,

4:29

waiting to move, like, being

4:32

ready, but holding back. Yeah.

4:34

So if you were to

4:37

ride that feeling back in

4:39

time, what's the earliest memory

4:41

of feeling that way? Hmm.

4:44

Oh, like, I had to

4:46

hold back all the time.

4:48

I was young. I had

4:51

to hold back what I

4:53

thought. because it would upset

4:55

people, I had to hold

4:58

back. I mean, this situation

5:00

is very similar to a

5:03

scenario that I had in

5:05

my early teenage years when

5:07

there was a legal case

5:10

that I was involved in,

5:12

and I had to always

5:14

hold back. And the legal

5:17

system just doesn't allow for

5:19

humanity. And, you know, it

5:22

sucks. Yeah, I think we

5:24

could all agree that all

5:26

of our systems are pretty.

5:29

fatally flawed in many ways.

5:31

And that's the reality in

5:33

which we live in right

5:36

now. So the question I

5:38

want to ask you is,

5:41

what is different about you

5:43

now, other than you're older?

5:45

What's different about you now

5:48

versus them? I would have

5:50

answered this question so much

5:52

differently 17 months ago, but...

5:55

through this process of grief,

5:57

I would say I'm just

6:00

trust myself and know my

6:02

worth now, which I think,

6:04

you know, before the separation,

6:06

I felt that way. Like, I think

6:08

I was getting a glimpse

6:11

of it, but that experience

6:13

really illuminated

6:15

just all the ways that it

6:17

was still so a mesh. Like, my

6:20

trying to express that

6:22

was a huge problem

6:24

in the relationship. And

6:26

through the healing, like, I

6:29

just, completely fell apart.

6:31

But I feel like I've done

6:33

that and then come back

6:35

together again. So I think

6:38

what's different is that

6:40

I trust myself. Okay.

6:42

And I know that I'm worthy

6:44

of good things. Okay. So if

6:46

you trust yourself and

6:48

you know you're worthy, we

6:51

don't even have to

6:53

say good things. You

6:55

just know you're inherently

6:57

worthy. Right. Where's

7:00

the hold back?

7:02

There's still

7:05

parts of me

7:07

that feel very

7:10

much like the

7:12

story of who I

7:15

am will I feel

7:17

always be told

7:20

with this person

7:23

as a character

7:25

in it. And You

7:28

know, it's my story. And

7:30

yet my story is

7:32

changing. But I don't know

7:34

how to tell it yet

7:37

because... Because I can't

7:39

figure out what it is

7:41

because I'm in this

7:43

in-between space. Right. So

7:46

in between what and

7:48

what? The version we that

7:50

was in that relationship and

7:53

the version of me

7:55

that... is willing to

7:57

draw boundaries for

8:00

her greater good who is willing

8:02

to coin what she wants and

8:04

to speak up. And I guess

8:07

there's part of it that's really

8:09

challenging in that I've lost a

8:12

lot of people, you know, like,

8:14

despite the fact that, you know,

8:16

I try to always leave with

8:19

an open heart. People believe random

8:21

stories, random stories, random stories, And

8:24

people that are very, very dear

8:26

to me have listened to the

8:28

stories that the ex is told

8:31

and decided to believe it and

8:33

have been super critical of me.

8:36

And it just feels hard because

8:38

I'm not willing to like to

8:40

fight back against it. I'm not

8:43

willing to add fuel to that

8:45

fire. How many stories did he

8:48

ever tell you that you believed?

8:50

Oh, I mean, I believed a

8:52

lot of his stories for a

8:55

long time. Right. Yeah. So, yeah,

8:57

and the same thing is happening

9:00

with these people. Say, can you

9:02

see, like, I don't know if

9:04

this person has any narcissistic tendencies,

9:07

but it's sounding like it, can

9:09

you have compassion for the people

9:11

that believe the stories and just

9:14

go, oh, wow, like, like, they're

9:16

falling for it too. Because if

9:19

you see it as they're believing

9:21

him over me, it puts you

9:23

back in that victim place and

9:26

it puts you back in that

9:28

disempowered place. And that's gonna feel

9:31

more like it did back in

9:33

your teen years when you had

9:35

your power taken away. So what's

9:38

different now versus then is you

9:40

have more power, you have more

9:43

autonomy, you have more freedom, you're

9:45

a grown up. You're a grown

9:47

up. And if you go back

9:50

and listen to this episode, you'll

9:52

hear in your voice the moment.

9:55

moments where you regressed back into

9:57

that young girl. And so my

9:59

invitation to you, Sarah, is to

10:02

say, like, you don't have to

10:04

be in the in-between right now.

10:07

There's some kind of payoff in

10:09

you thinking that you need to

10:11

be in between these two things

10:14

versus rather than fully standing in,

10:16

you know, the woman who you

10:19

truly are. There's no delay in

10:21

that. I understand legalities, court cases.

10:23

The system is after like, I

10:26

get the realities, but in terms

10:28

of energetics and in terms of

10:30

like how you hold yourself inside

10:33

and what you can start creating

10:35

in your life now, no matter

10:38

what, there doesn't have to be

10:40

a little delay in that unless

10:42

you continue to see yourself in

10:45

the middle, like in the in

10:47

between. I was going to say,

10:50

I definitely feel myself moving in

10:52

that direction of like, you know,

10:54

and it's something that's happened kind

10:57

of in the beginning of this

10:59

new year. It's almost like, and

11:02

I hate that I almost just

11:04

like that it happened around the

11:06

new year. Sounds like it was

11:09

a resolution, which it was not.

11:11

But it just there was the

11:14

shift that happened that was like,

11:16

okay, all the really messy stuff,

11:18

you know, has kind of been

11:21

worked through and now I get

11:23

to live. So it's. I feel

11:26

like I'm living a very full

11:28

life despite this like situational whatnot.

11:30

But there's, I guess, there's little

11:33

pieces that hang there, right? Like

11:35

there's pieces of self-doubt of, you

11:38

know, the people that matter that

11:40

have walked away. And, you know,

11:42

it's like, I guess it feels

11:45

like just collateral damage. I didn't

11:47

really expect that to happen like

11:49

I and I think so that

11:52

one snuck up on me and

11:54

then the other thing that you

11:57

know I kind of see is

11:59

like you know I'm very open

12:01

to finding a relationship

12:04

again, although I've

12:06

definitely, like, I've not

12:08

searched for anything, and

12:11

I've, you know, I'm not there

12:13

yet, and that's okay.

12:15

But I definitely have

12:18

noticed relationships

12:20

and interactions that

12:23

I have, but it's like, oh,

12:25

I noticed like the bar

12:27

is raising. Right at the

12:29

same but at the same

12:32

time and I guess

12:34

nervous that Like how do

12:36

you know when you when

12:38

you identify enough things

12:41

they are going to

12:43

just fall back into

12:46

the pattern right pattern?

12:48

The pattern of

12:50

deferring to other people

12:53

because you like them

12:55

and enjoy their company and you

12:57

want to see them happy and

12:59

so you're like, sure, let's do

13:01

that, as opposed to a little

13:03

bit of that and a little

13:05

bit of like, and I want to

13:07

do this, and waiting for

13:10

the reciprocation. Right, right.

13:12

So I'm going to come back to

13:14

that in a moment. I have a

13:16

question for you about the legal

13:18

case in the situation you

13:21

were in the holding back

13:23

in your teenage years. What

13:25

did you need then that

13:27

you didn't get? Needed

13:30

so much safety.

13:32

What kind of support?

13:35

Protection? Uh-huh.

13:37

What kind of

13:40

support? Protection?

13:42

Uh, they need protection.

13:45

Somebody to

13:47

ensure that there wouldn't

13:50

be blowback. I

13:53

really needed emotional

13:57

support and...

14:00

really needed somebody, somebody that

14:02

I could talk to about

14:04

all the gross, ugly stuff,

14:07

which are lessons that I

14:09

brought into, you know, this

14:11

healing journey. Like, beautiful. I

14:13

created a group of like

14:16

five absolutely ride or die

14:18

people and you know, I

14:20

called them and I said,

14:23

hi, like, will you be

14:25

my golden net right now?

14:27

And it's such beautiful self-care

14:29

and very parenting. Seriously, one

14:32

of the hardest things I've

14:34

ever had to do is

14:36

the quote and quote strong

14:39

person was be that. Be

14:41

that strong. Yeah, yeah, like

14:43

it was it was strong

14:45

enough to ask for support.

14:48

And actually to receive it,

14:50

like to receive the amount

14:52

that. It was one of

14:55

the giant gifts of the

14:57

past year was that the

14:59

amount people gave and the

15:01

level to which I received

15:04

without having the capacity at

15:06

the time to immediately reciprocate.

15:08

As a result, like now

15:11

a year later, I'm finding

15:13

ways to pay it forward

15:15

because I'm in a different

15:17

place. Yeah. And that's like

15:20

a lovely feeling. but it

15:22

wasn't this like transactional thing

15:24

and that was a huge

15:27

shift. Okay, so you say

15:29

something rather drastic, but we're

15:31

going to see if it

15:34

lands. Do you relate to

15:36

being gas lighted? Gas lit,

15:38

I guess would be the

15:40

appropriate grammar. Yeah. Okay. Definitely.

15:43

Can you see how you

15:45

do it to yourself? Oh,

15:47

I see that I can

15:50

be really. critical of myself.

15:52

Is that what you mean?

15:54

You can be critical of

15:56

yourself. You can. Well, this

15:59

is what I'm hearing. I'm

16:01

hearing this person tell me.

16:03

I'm in this in between.

16:06

I'm held back. I'm not

16:08

the woman that I want

16:10

to be or that I

16:12

feel I can. And then

16:15

you're telling me all these

16:17

things that you've done and

16:19

you're doing that are exactly

16:22

the opposite of that. And

16:24

so I'm wondering if you're

16:26

so used to being disempowered

16:28

and discouraged that it's really

16:31

hard for you to actually

16:33

step into like not only

16:35

doing the changes but embodying

16:38

the changes you're making and

16:40

like like embodying the fact

16:42

that it's different and that

16:44

you've done it. Because kind

16:47

of with that gas lighting

16:49

thing, it's you walk into

16:51

a room thinking you're wearing

16:54

blue and then you're wearing

16:56

green. even though you really

16:58

thought it was blue. You

17:00

know, it's that kind of

17:03

thing. And so I just

17:05

want you to be aware

17:07

of where you're like telling

17:10

yourself a different story than

17:12

the actual reality of what's

17:14

happening. Can any part of

17:17

you see that? Yeah. So

17:19

like. I mean, if I'm

17:21

hearing you and then taking

17:23

what you're saying and trying

17:26

to see how that lands

17:28

with me, it's like, it's

17:30

almost like, there are those

17:33

parts and it's like, I'm

17:35

convinced that those parts must

17:37

be right. And then there's

17:39

the other parts of me,

17:42

they're like, no, no, you're

17:44

not right. Like, that's like,

17:46

this is actually what's happening.

17:49

And it's, the pattern is

17:51

almost being caught in the

17:53

internal circle. Exactly, that's you're

17:55

in between. The

17:57

reality is you're farther along than I think you're...

18:00

acknowledging. And you're more out

18:02

of this than I think that you are really

18:04

realizing. But

18:09

that that in between is like

18:11

kind of like still hooking

18:13

in to that programming. Because

18:17

you're seeing that when you really free

18:20

yourself, you lose people. And

18:23

you know, there's lots of other reasons. It's

18:25

patterning and survival strategy, all that kind of

18:27

stuff. So there is going to be a

18:29

part of you that's going to target talk

18:31

you out of continuing to move forward in

18:33

the way you're moving forward. And

18:36

that's when that adult

18:38

wise woman soul

18:40

self comes in

18:43

and gives that reassurance and that

18:45

truth. Like, no, this is this is

18:47

our reality. Yeah.

18:50

And we can have our

18:52

grief around loss. Like there's

18:54

been a lot of loss. I hear

18:56

that I'm not diminishing that. And it also

18:58

sounds like Sarah, it's a lot of

19:00

clearing out a clutter. It's

19:02

a lot of clearing of what's

19:04

not a vibrational match. And if

19:06

you're trying to hang on to

19:08

the old, then then you will

19:10

feel in between instead of just being

19:13

like burn the bridges. And

19:15

like I am

19:17

stepping into like

19:19

a new reality. But

19:23

it's gonna be you say that when you

19:25

say that there's like some people that,

19:27

you know, I definitely when there's people that

19:29

come up in my mind, when you

19:31

say like, clean and clear the clutter

19:33

and it's not a vibrational match, I'm like, yep,

19:35

yep, yep, burn the bridges. I was like, you

19:38

know, I guess

19:41

I want

19:43

I would want them to know like, you

19:46

know, I'm I'm still here.

19:48

Like I still love them. Right.

19:50

And like, if they like,

19:54

if they weren't if they weren't into life.

20:00

Why is it important

20:02

for you to let them

20:04

know that? Why is that

20:06

important? Like not

20:08

actually let them

20:10

know that, like

20:12

not actually reach

20:14

out and let them know

20:16

that. But just, I guess

20:19

in my heart, in my

20:21

heart, I would feel open

20:23

to some of them, not

20:26

the X. but some

20:28

of them circling back

20:30

around, you know, when

20:32

they've done their process,

20:34

like, because they had that

20:37

spot, I guess, in my

20:39

life, and it's hard

20:41

to accept it, like,

20:44

maybe, maybe they're gone,

20:46

maybe they're not,

20:48

like, yes, then I, I

20:51

question, you know, I question.

20:56

I guess that is the question.

20:58

It's like I kind of

21:01

know, or I do know, that the

21:03

decisions I've made I've

21:05

made for my own inner

21:07

peace and I have not

21:10

tried to make them maliciously

21:13

in any way. And yeah, I

21:15

guess I'm just really

21:17

disappointed. Some of them are

21:20

not. Disappointed in

21:22

what? That some of them

21:24

are gone. I hear

21:26

that. I hear that. I hear

21:28

that. And that's grief.

21:31

It just moves, it

21:33

just needs to move through.

21:35

And from where you are

21:37

now, you know, when you're

21:39

really at the beginning

21:42

of living in a

21:44

totally different frequency and

21:47

breaking out of

21:49

huge patterns, you're

21:51

going to want to grab

21:53

onto the old. Normal.

21:57

Yeah. It's natural. I

22:01

just want to remind you

22:03

that the person that you

22:06

chose in all of this

22:08

is you. And like, who's

22:10

ever really done that before

22:12

for you? And if it

22:14

meant a couple of people,

22:16

either relationships over or strained

22:18

for a while, or this

22:20

is the break that creates

22:22

the biggest healing, if that's

22:25

what it took, it's well

22:27

worth it. And you're patterning.

22:29

is a little bit entangled

22:31

in who you need to

22:33

be for others. And this

22:35

is really a time, Sarah,

22:37

from my point of view,

22:39

and you know, take what

22:41

I say that resonates, leave

22:44

the rest behind for you

22:46

to fully choose yourself. Not

22:48

in a selfish way, but

22:50

in a really empowered way

22:52

with truth and love. And

22:54

let the rest fall away,

22:56

as painful as some of

22:58

that may be. But

23:01

getting out of a

23:03

relationship where it seems

23:06

like there was a

23:08

lot of Entanglement self-doubt

23:10

all of that like

23:13

There will be a

23:15

I couldn't even I

23:17

couldn't even see it

23:19

until it was gone

23:22

and then it was

23:24

just like Yeah, yeah,

23:26

so choosing you is

23:29

gonna feel weird And

23:33

so my my reminder

23:35

to you is you

23:38

can choose you and

23:40

not suffer in the

23:42

process Yep, and trust

23:44

like you said in

23:46

the beginning a new

23:48

level of self-trust new

23:50

level of self-trust Yeah

23:52

So you are in

23:54

this next chapter it

23:56

is here You have

23:58

arrived. You don't have

24:00

one foot in your

24:02

old life and one

24:04

foot in your new.

24:07

The in between this

24:09

that I see is

24:11

kind of in between

24:13

two stories. But the

24:15

reality is you've already

24:17

moved on. You're already

24:19

in this different life.

24:21

Now you got to

24:23

just choose which story

24:25

you want to tell

24:27

about it. Yeah. And

24:30

be okay with it being the

24:32

story that I write. And, you

24:35

know, the people that want to

24:37

say, oh, you're just making it

24:39

up. It's like, yep, sure, I'm

24:41

making it up. It's like, go

24:44

along. And give people the dignity

24:46

of their own thoughts. Yeah. Yeah.

24:48

Let them think what they want

24:51

to think. Again. This will be

24:53

a pain point for you. because

24:55

you found safety in pleasing others

24:58

and making other people okay with

25:00

you. So it's going to be

25:02

a nervous system trigger when you

25:05

feel like someone's disapproving or not

25:07

happy with you in some way.

25:09

That's your work. Your work is

25:12

not to please them, not to

25:14

worry about them, not to make

25:16

sure that they're okay with your

25:19

choices. Your work is to manage

25:21

the internal trigger that goes off

25:23

when you feel like someone is

25:26

judging you or disapproves or is

25:28

mad or whatever. Yeah.

25:30

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's

25:32

just that whole, the whole,

25:35

like there was just a

25:37

bunch of people and I,

25:39

and I think like I

25:42

was so focused on the

25:44

healing and the grief of

25:46

losing my marriage and, you

25:49

know, two weeks after that

25:51

was my brother and just

25:53

like, it was the worst

25:56

of them forever. And, you

25:58

know, I think that there's

26:00

just a whole. that I

26:03

didn't really have the capacity

26:05

for seeing happen and that

26:07

it's just that like second

26:10

wave of letting go. You

26:12

know, all the other, as

26:14

you said, all the other

26:17

energetic clutter that's there. Yep.

26:19

Yeah. You got this. You

26:21

really do. Thank you for

26:24

that conversation. It really kind

26:26

of helped me see where

26:28

I can. just lean in

26:31

a little bit more. And

26:33

well, not even lean in,

26:35

but like step in to

26:38

the life that you are

26:40

creating. Because you went to

26:42

Helen back to get here.

26:45

So let yourself in it.

26:47

Like I've never enjoyed being

26:49

in my body as much

26:52

as I do now. Thank

26:58

you, Sarah, so much for your call

27:00

and for your vulnerability. There's so much

27:02

we talked about in that episode, not

27:04

much for me to sum up here.

27:07

I want to say something that I've

27:09

said on the show before, but I'll

27:11

say it again. And it was something

27:13

that was super important for the people

27:15

that came to Boone that really celebrate,

27:18

acknowledge, trust, the progress that you've made.

27:20

So many of us, especially those of

27:22

you who listen to the show, who

27:24

maybe are in the personal growth world

27:27

and been doing this work for a

27:29

while, sometimes you can look at how

27:31

far you need to go and how

27:33

much you need to do, rather than

27:36

really celebrate how much you actually have

27:38

done and where you actually are. So

27:40

if you relate to anything that Sarah

27:42

was experiencing, I encourage you and invite

27:45

you to step fully into where you

27:47

are now and not base your identity

27:49

so much on where you've been. But

27:51

who you are now and where you're

27:53

going? All right, everyone. That's our show

27:56

for today's and you so much love

27:58

and many blessings until next time. Thank

28:00

you for listening to Over at

28:02

Non With It. I love hearing

28:04

from you so please post your

28:06

comments or questions at christinehassler.com/podcast. That's

28:08

also the place you can sign

28:10

up to receive coaching from me

28:12

in an upcoming episode. And if

28:14

you love this show please share

28:17

it and subscribe in iTunes. You

28:19

can find all my social media

28:21

handles and sign up to be

28:23

part of my community at christinehassler.com.

28:25

Until next week here's to getting

28:27

over it and on with it. So,