0:00

This is episode 494. When your fear

0:02

of being alone keeps you in unhealthy

0:04

relationships with Elena. Welcome to Over

0:06

It and On With It. I'm

0:08

your host Christine Hasler and for

0:10

over a decade I've been a life

0:12

coach, speaker, and author. Each week you'll

0:14

hear me work directly with a caller

0:17

as I coach them through a goal

0:19

they want to accomplish or an obstacle

0:21

they may be facing. I'll provide a

0:23

blend of practical and spiritual advice as

0:25

well as tangible actions you can apply

0:27

to your own life. Now, let's get

0:29

on with the episode. Hi, everyone,

0:31

and welcome back to the show.

0:34

If you miss my episode on

0:36

Saturday, I just did a

0:38

quicky episode on how to

0:41

really care for yourself and

0:43

navigate intense times. I've just

0:45

been hearing from so many

0:47

of you. on Instagram that you're just

0:49

feeling all the feels right now,

0:51

physically, emotionally. And so I just

0:53

wanted to offer some quick tips

0:55

on how you can really care

0:57

for yourself during those times. So

1:00

if you missed it, go back

1:02

and have a listen. Today's episode

1:04

is about a breakup, but it

1:06

really applies to anyone who has

1:08

ever doubted a decision, who fears

1:10

being alone, and if you are

1:12

someone that has found yourself in...

1:14

a series of unhealthy relationships or

1:16

even one unhealthy relationship, be it

1:18

a romantic relationship, friendship, co-worker, or

1:20

whatever, this is going to be

1:23

an important episode because I unpack

1:25

a lot of the reasons that

1:27

we often stay with people that from

1:29

a practical point of view are really

1:31

not that great of an option. So

1:33

keep these questions in mind when you're

1:35

listening to my coaching call with Elena.

1:37

Were you in a relationship much

1:39

longer than you should have been?

1:41

Do you have trouble with breakups

1:43

and find yourself taking back someone

1:45

and forgiving someone even when everything

1:47

in your body is saying no?

1:49

Do you have an estranged relationship

1:51

with one of your parents? And

1:53

finally, do you fear being alone

1:55

so much that it impacts your

1:57

ability to make healthy decisions around?

1:59

your relationships. So keep those questions

2:02

in mind as you listen to

2:04

my coaching call with Elena. And

2:06

before we dive in, I wanted

2:09

to share that I am open

2:11

for new one-on-one clients. It's been

2:13

a while since I've had space

2:15

to work with people one-on-one, that

2:18

I've had openings. I've opened up

2:20

more space because my little girl

2:22

started some preschool, and I have

2:25

a little more space in my

2:27

life. And one of my favorite

2:29

things to do is one-on-one coaching.

2:31

but I have been doing one-on-one

2:34

work since 2004 and I think

2:36

it's an integral part of being

2:38

a coach and I find it

2:41

so valuable so incredibly transformative and

2:43

I love working one-on-one with people

2:45

because I know the ripple effects

2:47

of that you know can be

2:50

infinite. And so whether you are

2:52

looking to shift your career, whether

2:54

you're looking to heal an issue

2:57

that's been lingering for a while,

2:59

whether you want to call in

3:01

something in your life, maybe it's

3:03

in your relationship, maybe it's something

3:06

else, whether you want to deepen

3:08

on your spiritual path, I really

3:10

work with anyone who's ready. There's

3:13

no specific avatar, but I would

3:15

say that... The people that resonate

3:17

with my work the most are

3:20

the people that listen to this

3:22

podcast. So if you're listening, you're

3:24

probably already that person. If you're

3:26

interested in learning more about what

3:29

working one-on-one in a very intimate

3:31

container would look like, you can

3:33

email Jill at Christine hasser.com and

3:36

she'll give you the info or

3:38

set up a call with you.

3:40

All right, now on to my

3:42

coaching call with Elena. Thank you

3:45

so much for having me. Recently

3:47

I found out that me and

3:49

my boyfriend of seven years, we

3:52

would be splitting up. I thought

3:54

it would be mutual. It felt

3:56

mutual at first and then as

3:58

time progressed it. was not mutual.

4:00

There was some animosity in it

4:02

and I would guess it I

4:04

would say it stemmed from pretty

4:06

toxic relationship in my opinion at

4:09

least. Not mutual on his part?

4:11

I feel like both parties maybe

4:13

at first it was. I initiated

4:15

it. There was just a lot

4:17

of change that was stating was

4:19

going to happen to happen for

4:21

a short period of time and

4:23

then everything would go back. to

4:25

normal the way it was and

4:27

there was it was just a

4:30

few months of that and honestly

4:32

after seven years I was like

4:34

I can't be doing this forever

4:36

I proposed the idea he said

4:38

okay I'm fine with that you

4:40

know I've been feeling the same

4:42

way to as well I'm like

4:44

okay and mutual parties we could

4:46

be civil about this we could

4:48

be adults no later on I

4:51

was proposed with the idea we

4:53

live in a house we most

4:55

recently moved here in July we

4:57

have it together we share we

4:59

share pets in the house and

5:01

most recently he has divided the

5:03

pets and that's where I thought

5:05

it would it would never go.

5:07

Yeah. Like he took one and

5:09

left you with one? Yeah. Okay.

5:12

So what's your question for me?

5:14

My question for you is finding

5:16

my power I guess of myself

5:18

worth in this because I'm just

5:20

still so confused apart of me.

5:22

You know, I want to hold

5:24

on to this relationship and I

5:26

don't think it's maybe because A

5:28

part of me, yes, obviously I

5:30

do still love him. I've been

5:33

with him for so long. But

5:35

I think more of it is,

5:37

I'm just afraid to be abandoned.

5:39

And it's more of that stems

5:41

from just childhood traumas and all

5:43

of that too. Mm-hmm. Okay. So

5:45

what do you think you need

5:47

to know to feel better about

5:49

all this? I guess that it's

5:51

okay to be alone. That's the

5:54

one thing that I... I'm

5:56

avoiding I guess yeah, well how

5:58

Did you feel in the relationship

6:01

at times? Pretty alone, yeah. A

6:03

lot. A majority of the time.

6:05

No. Which, from my point of

6:07

view, is more painful than actually

6:09

being not in the relationship. So

6:12

it's interesting that you use the

6:14

word alone, right? Because the more...

6:16

accurate way to say it would

6:18

be not in a relationship. Yeah.

6:20

Because you felt really alone in

6:22

a relationship and we cannot be

6:25

in a relationship and feel really

6:27

not alone and in some ways

6:29

we're never really alone if we

6:31

are connected to all that is.

6:33

So it seems like this is

6:35

just really bringing up some as

6:38

you're aware of some more childhood

6:40

trauma around like When we don't

6:42

get what we need in childhood,

6:44

it affects us in so many

6:46

different ways. And one of the

6:49

biggest ways they can do it

6:51

is we really settle for scraps

6:53

because it's kind of what we're

6:55

used to. We're used to not

6:57

being treated that great, but because

6:59

we didn't have like a safe

7:02

environment where we could develop through

7:04

all the normal developmental phases and

7:06

we could learn how to regulate

7:08

our nervous system at an appropriate

7:10

time, we kind of a mesh

7:12

with other people. because it's all

7:15

we got. And usually those people

7:17

aren't the healthiest people, but because

7:19

we're so lost in so many

7:21

ways, because we don't have like

7:23

a healthy system and foundation really

7:26

holding us, all we know is

7:28

how to be around other people,

7:30

because it is a survival strategy.

7:32

So when left, you know, not

7:34

in relationship or on your own,

7:36

it can feel really scary. And

7:39

logically we can say, you know,

7:41

anyone could say to you, hey,

7:43

You're much better off on your

7:45

own than in a relationship that's

7:47

toxic in any way. So that

7:49

can make sense to your mind,

7:52

but to your subconscious and to

7:54

your body, it can create a

7:56

lot of... of like panic and

7:58

anxiety because that's not really a

8:00

safe place for you to be.

8:03

It never has been. Does that

8:05

make sense? Definitely, yeah. And I

8:07

think that's what's the majority of

8:09

it was. And when you said

8:11

settle for scraps, it's definitely a

8:13

good way to put it. I

8:16

didn't have a good relationship loving

8:18

aspect when I grew up. I

8:20

never got to view that my

8:22

mom was the type too. to

8:24

kind settle for scraps basically she

8:26

would take what was given to

8:29

her regardless if it was healthy

8:31

or not she would stay and

8:33

I guess I kind of I

8:35

model you basically yeah I modeled

8:37

that and and now that's where

8:40

I'm kind of learning I put

8:42

my foot down and that's where

8:44

I've established no I don't want

8:46

to continue with this I want

8:48

to I want to have better

8:50

I want to be better and

8:53

yeah that's where I was able

8:55

to establish that but now it's

8:57

more of the fact of now

8:59

can I be out of a

9:01

relationship? Well, this is, this is

9:04

where the rubber meets the road,

9:06

right? This is the integration piece.

9:08

So you are clear, you want

9:10

to break a generational pattern, which

9:12

is huge and really freaking hard.

9:14

Yeah. Again, like, we logically can

9:17

go, my mom did this, I

9:19

don't want to do that. However,

9:21

it's so ingrained that it's difficult.

9:23

It's difficult, so I'm not going

9:25

to sugar coat that. It's also

9:27

really possible, but it really takes.

9:30

You've got to reprogram your mind,

9:32

like lay new grooves in your

9:34

brain. So for example, you know,

9:36

what's a feeling that comes up

9:38

often in this breakup? Honestly, anger,

9:41

I don't know, anger, yeah. Okay,

9:43

anger, that's a great feeling. So

9:45

if anger is coming up, it's

9:47

probably not just about this relationship,

9:49

right? It's probably stuff that... has

9:51

been wanting to come up and

9:54

out for a long time. There's

9:56

probably a lot of anger you

9:58

have about your childhood, you know,

10:00

I don't know where your dad

10:02

was. Mom probably brought not great

10:04

men into the house, like it's,

10:07

there's a lot to be pissed

10:09

off about. So if you don't

10:11

acknowledge that anger and ride it

10:13

back in time and release it,

10:15

a couple things may happen. One,

10:18

it will turn into anxiety. Two,

10:20

it could be so uncomfortable that

10:22

you'll settle again because you don't

10:24

like the discomfort feelings, so you'll

10:26

forgive. and take back. That's what

10:28

a lot of women do. They

10:31

don't get comfortable with their anger.

10:33

It feels so yucky. So they

10:35

just brush it under the rug

10:37

and take someone back and say

10:39

it's forgiveness when really it's repression.

10:41

Or three, you're just going to

10:44

be really irritable and possibly make

10:46

yourself sick. All really great choices,

10:48

huh? Which is crazy because all

10:50

of the ones they've listed off.

10:52

I seem to already. check the

10:55

boxes for because there has been

10:57

times in the relationship where I'm

10:59

I'm told him I'm like we're

11:01

done and we do we take

11:03

a break for a month two

11:05

months a couple weeks a day

11:08

few hours and then I repress

11:10

I go back in he apologizes

11:12

I say he'll change things will

11:14

be different and then later on

11:16

I'm still so angry I can't

11:18

talk to him about it nothing's

11:21

going to change I become irritable

11:23

stems into anxiety so yeah Yeah.

11:25

So what do you want instead?

11:27

Honestly? Yeah. I just want to

11:29

be by myself for a little

11:32

bit. I just want to learn

11:34

how to be okay by myself

11:36

before I'm able to even think

11:38

about others. I can think about

11:40

others, but not me with others.

11:42

I think that is such a

11:45

wise and self-honoring and well-needed choice.

11:47

I can learn how to be

11:49

in relation with yourself. Learn how

11:51

to parent yourself and be relational

11:53

with yourself in the way that

11:56

your parents weren't and weren't capable

11:58

of and couldn't and really hold

12:00

your boundaries. Like by taking someone

12:02

back over and over or even

12:04

once we're repeating the generational pattern

12:06

So this is integration piece like

12:09

really holding a firm boundary that

12:11

I am done And not only

12:13

done with the relationship, but maybe

12:15

some bigger boundaries around communication With

12:17

him so that you can really

12:19

really truly be done and this

12:22

is you standing in your power

12:24

in a way. Maybe no other

12:26

woman in your family ever could

12:29

Yeah, I mean you're not wrong.

12:31

Yeah, which is huge. And when

12:33

we, you know, and I believe

12:35

on a sole level, we choose

12:37

to be the generational pattern breakers.

12:39

You know, think it's, you know,

12:41

luck or it's really a sole

12:43

choice. And so, like, this is

12:45

it, Elena. You are right on

12:47

the cusp of breaking through a

12:49

major pattern. And so whenever we're

12:51

on that cusp, we kind of

12:54

got to go, it's sort of

12:56

like, all right, like, I'm going

12:58

in, I'm like, going into a

13:00

battlefield, like, I'm, it's sort of

13:02

like, I remember when my water

13:04

broke, I'm like, all right, like,

13:06

this is it, like, um, no

13:08

turning back, and I had no

13:10

idea what was ahead of me,

13:12

but I knew, like, like, I

13:14

had to go all in. Right?

13:16

Congratulations, by the way. Oh, thank

13:18

you. So, I mean, it was

13:20

three years ago now, but it

13:22

was just that kind of warrior

13:24

attitude that I'm thinking about of

13:26

like, wow, okay, this is this

13:29

is where I am. And so

13:31

I invite you to start to

13:33

explore that warrior woman, that place

13:35

inside of you who can get

13:37

fierce and who can, you know,

13:39

and with anger, it's not about

13:41

getting angry at people. It's getting

13:43

the anger out. So. hitting a

13:45

pillow, screaming it to a pillow,

13:47

going out into the middle of

13:49

nowhere, and like, having it out

13:51

in nature, just like getting, moving

13:53

your body, putting on crazy music,

13:55

like heavy metal or loud rock,

13:57

and just going crazy, getting out

13:59

of your body. And then... because

14:01

underneath that we find our passion,

14:03

we find our strength, and we

14:06

can tap more into love. Because

14:08

when we're not moving our anger

14:10

through, we're disconnected from our truth,

14:12

and truth and love go together.

14:14

So for you, releasing that anger,

14:16

getting really clear on your boundaries

14:18

and standing in it and noticing

14:20

your thoughts, so. Like if a

14:22

thought comes up of, oh, it's

14:24

really hard to be alone, or

14:26

maybe I was too hard on

14:28

him, or maybe he really is

14:30

changing, kind of goes, stop, is

14:32

that my thinking, or is that

14:34

my programming? And really question your

14:36

thoughts, because a lot of your

14:38

thoughts are going to feel like

14:41

they're yours, but they're actually not.

14:43

Does that make sense? It does,

14:45

which I've noticed. I've definitely noticed,

14:47

but I just now need to

14:49

realize. when to stop him because

14:51

I will definitely fall into the

14:53

trap of forgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

14:55

So what's your mother's life, Nick,

14:57

like now? Honestly, I haven't even

14:59

talked to her since, I want

15:01

to say middle school. I'm 22

15:03

now. It's been about five years.

15:05

She's been doing well. She states

15:07

she's doing well. She wants to

15:09

getting contact with me, but me

15:11

myself, I've distanced myself from her

15:13

because I know. just everything I've

15:16

endured as a child. I shouldn't

15:18

have endured as a child. Right.

15:20

And that's my one step. I

15:22

don't want to, that's my one

15:24

part. I can not, I can

15:26

forgive Alberto and him, my ex,

15:28

and I can forgive him and

15:30

I can continue to do that.

15:32

But when it comes to her,

15:34

I can't forgive her. So I

15:36

guess that's a good step in

15:38

putting my foot down and, you

15:40

know, not knowing when to repress.

15:42

But now I need to do

15:44

that all throughout my life. Well,

15:46

and I stand with you in

15:48

holding on to that, that anger,

15:50

if that's what's keeping you to

15:53

maintain the boundary. Eventually, it'll be

15:55

part of your work to forgive

15:57

her. Forgiving doesn't mean condoning. But

15:59

forgiving means releasing the anger and

16:01

judgments we're holding because holding on.

16:03

to you that kind of anger

16:05

is is like like paraphrasing Buddha

16:07

holding the hot cold and waiting

16:09

to throw it at someone all

16:11

the while you're getting burned but

16:13

a lot of people confuse forgiveness

16:15

for condoning and it's not that

16:17

but what I would love you

16:19

to do is stand in that

16:21

same kind of resolution resoluteness to

16:23

have these boundaries with men. Yeah.

16:25

You know and kind of one

16:28

thing that may stop the thought

16:30

is do you want kids someday?

16:32

I do eventually, yes. Okay, do

16:34

you want your own daughter to

16:36

disown you? Definitely not. Okay, so

16:38

let your future family, your future

16:40

daughter, when you get like, when

16:42

you start to get brainwashed back

16:44

into old thinking, think of her

16:46

and be like, do I want

16:48

to make choices that are going

16:50

to estrange me from my daughter?

16:52

And honestly, choosing the wrong man

16:54

to have children with? will have

16:56

a big impact on your kids.

16:58

That is one really good way

17:00

to look at it. I didn't

17:03

think of it like that. Would

17:05

you say it's accurate? It definitely

17:07

is, yeah, when you put into

17:09

the perspective of mom. Resediting the

17:11

mother. So it's like that warrior

17:13

woman, that mama bear like, no,

17:15

I am not doing this. No.

17:17

And the thoughts kind of come

17:19

in, like what's a thought that

17:21

would come in that kind of

17:23

tempts you to get back? Maybe

17:27

I was too hard and I'm

17:29

just like it said, maybe I

17:31

was too hard on it. Maybe

17:33

he is changing. Maybe things will

17:36

be different. Okay. And how does

17:38

it feel to believe that thought?

17:40

It feels good for like 0.5

17:43

seconds. After 0.5 seconds, what happens?

17:45

I know it's not going to

17:47

change. And so then I'm stuck

17:50

into that loop. Am I being

17:52

with this person? Because like you

17:54

said, what is he doing for

17:57

me? Because I didn't. We should

17:59

be meeting the middle. Yeah. So

18:01

maybe when you think that thought

18:04

something else that you could say

18:06

instead is I'm the one

18:08

that's changing and I

18:10

know That this

18:12

relationship is not aligned

18:15

and it wasn't because

18:17

the person I was

18:19

when I drove him in is

18:21

not who I am today So

18:25

put the focus back on you

18:27

instead of being like he could

18:29

change he blah blah blah blah

18:31

bring it back to the truth

18:33

of you I am changing and

18:35

Even if he may be different.

18:37

It's still not a fit Because

18:39

I am changing and this is

18:42

the person I drew in At a

18:44

previous iteration of me when

18:46

I was still working out a

18:48

lot of my childhood stuff

18:50

So I guess that's something I

18:52

have to come to terms with

18:55

two is, you know, I took

18:57

him in when I was

18:59

going through things and now

19:01

I am a different person.

19:03

That's just one thing that's

19:05

hard for me to accept

19:07

too, because I am different.

19:09

We both are. And honestly at

19:11

22, this is the best

19:14

time not to be in

19:16

a relationship. So I've heard. Yes.

19:18

Yes. Allow yourself to... You

19:21

know in so many

19:23

ways you probably were

19:25

your mom's parent So

19:28

allow yourself to like

19:30

not be tethered to

19:32

anyone Find the freedom

19:35

in that versus the

19:37

suffering Find the freedom

19:40

in not having to

19:42

deal with anybody else's

19:45

shit right now Sounds

19:47

peaceful Exactly

19:50

Yeah, the Serenity, the

19:52

cold. Yeah. Does this

19:54

help and give you

19:56

some direction? It does,

19:58

it does. It really does.

20:00

Thank you, Elena, for being a rather

20:02

new listener and jumping right in to

20:05

be coached. I loved your willingness. And

20:07

there was so much we talked about

20:09

in this episode. The thing I want

20:11

to break apart or I guess expand

20:13

on would be the right word a

20:15

little more is this alone thing. So

20:17

many of us run, for lack of

20:19

a better word, some co-dependent patterns. And

20:21

we... don't have a real strong sense

20:23

of self, both in terms of like

20:25

really being able to be with ourselves

20:28

and nurture ourselves and take care of

20:30

ourselves, and we also don't have a

20:32

strong sense of oneness, meaning we're not

20:34

really connected to God, spirit, universe, whatever

20:36

word you want to use. But if

20:38

we have that spiritual connection, if we

20:40

remember that we are one, that we

20:42

are infinitely loved and unconditionally loved and

20:44

we are connected to something unseen that's

20:46

bigger than any of us, than those

20:49

feelings of loneliness often are not so

20:51

profound. And for anyone that may relate

20:53

to wanting a relationship and even settling

20:55

for relationships that aren't the healthiest. where

20:57

I invite you to lean in as

20:59

both that inner child work that we

21:01

talked about with Elena, doing her anger

21:03

work, but also leaning into your spiritual

21:05

practice, whatever that looks like for you.

21:07

Because finding comfort in the arms of

21:09

the unseen in the arms of God

21:12

is often more fulfilling and healthier. And

21:14

when you find that comfort for yourself,

21:16

you know, when you can really be

21:18

that parent to your inner child, and

21:20

then when you can lean on something

21:22

bigger than you. you will make healthier

21:24

relationship choices because you're not coming from

21:26

a place of neediness. You're really coming

21:28

from a place of wholeness. All right

21:30

everybody, that is our show for today.

21:33

and use so much

21:35

love many blessings. Until

21:37

next time. time. Thank you

21:39

for you for listening

21:41

to with It. I love

21:43

It. I love hearing

21:45

from you, so

21:47

please post your comments

21:49

or questions at

21:51

christinehasler.com slash podcast. the

21:53

That's also the place

21:56

you can sign

21:58

up to receive coaching

22:00

from me in

22:02

an upcoming episode. you love

22:04

this show, if you

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love it show, please

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share it and subscribe

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You can find all You

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can find all my

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and sign up to

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be part of

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my community at christinehasler.com.

22:23

Until next week, here's

22:25

to to it it

22:27

with it. it. Much and

22:29

many blessings. blessings.