0:00

John Miles: Coming up next on passion struck.

0:02

Dr. Nicole LePera: I think sometimes there's a bit of misinterpretation in terms of what is meant by self love. I

0:07

think naturally when we think of self love, we think of all the

0:09

positive feelings that we could have about ourselves, liking

0:13

ourselves, being in celebration of ourselves doing nice things

0:16

for ourselves. The what I've come to learn is that self love

0:21

is much more than that. Self love is grounded in the ability

0:26

to be present to all of ourselves, inside and outside of

0:31

those more positive feelings or positive moments or positive,

0:35

loving gestures. John Miles: Welcome to passion struck. Hi, I'm your host, John

0:39

R. Miles and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips and

0:43

guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their

0:46

wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our

0:50

mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so

0:55

that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're

0:58

new to the show. I offer advice and answer listener questions on

1:02

Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week

1:05

with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs,

1:10

creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders,

1:13

visionaries and athletes. Now let's go out there and become

1:18

passion struck. Hello everyone and welcome back to Episode 378

1:22

of passion struck ranked by Apple is the number one

1:25

alternative health podcast and thank you to each and every one

1:27

of you come back weekly listen and learn how to live better and

1:30

be better and impact the world. I am so excited to announce that

1:33

my new book ash instruct is now available for preorder and you

1:36

can find it at Amazon Barnes and Noble or wherever you purchase

1:39

books. It is also featured prominently on the passion stock

1:42

website starting in December I will be using my solo episodes

1:46

to discuss different aspects of the book leading up to its

1:48

launch in in January I'm going to have different guests why

1:52

featuring the book on the program as well. If you're new

1:54

to the show, thank you so much for joining us or you simply

1:57

want to introduce this to a friend or a family member and we

1:59

so appreciate it when you do that we have episodes starter

2:02

packs which are collections of our fans favorite episodes that

2:05

we organize in a convenient topics that give any new

2:08

listener great way to get acclimated to everything we do

2:10

here on the show either go to Spotify or passion

2:12

struck.com/starter packs to get started in case you missed it.

2:16

Last week I had three great interviews. The first was with

2:19

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist international best selling

2:22

author of five books on mental strength and an acclaimed

2:25

keynote speaker who gave one of the most popular TED talks of

2:28

all time on the secret to becoming mentally strong. In our

2:31

interview, we discuss how to be mentally strong as couples. We

2:35

also talk about how to avoid unhealthy habits that can hold

2:38

us back in life. I also interviewed drew Plotkin, author

2:41

of under my skin drew discusses the rollercoaster ride that has

2:44

been his life and the painful secrets of his past along with

2:47

his own techniques and tools for continuously navigating life's

2:50

never ending trail of valleys and peaks. And lastly, I had on

2:54

Matthew Weintraub, a healer psychedelic activist, scholar

2:57

and entrepreneur Matthew presents his groundbreaking book

3:00

The psychedelic origin of religion. In this interview,

3:03

explore the profound ties that bind psychedelics and shamanism

3:06

at the tapestry of all world religions. I also wanted to say

3:09

thank you for your ratings and reviews and if you'd love

3:11

today's episode, or any of those other three, we would appreciate

3:15

you giving it a five star review and sharing it with your friends

3:17

and families. I know we and our guests love to see the comments

3:20

from our listeners and those ratings and reviews goes such a

3:22

long way to bring more people into the passionate star

3:24

community. In today's episode, we explore the essence of our

3:28

connections and their profound impact on our lives. I am so

3:31

honored to have Dr. Nicole Lapera a number one New York

3:34

Times bestselling author and a luminary in holistic Psychology

3:38

Today our journey begins with a fundamental truth Human survival

3:41

is deeply intertwined with relationships our bodies and

3:44

minds are innately designed to seek connection. However, these

3:48

essential bonds while nurturing can also be the source of our

3:51

deepest anguish. Dr. Lapera unravels how our nervous systems

3:54

imprinted with past traumas and disappointments paradoxically,

3:58

prepare us for threat and negativity while our hearts

4:00

yearn for compassionate connections. For years

4:03

relationship advice has hinged on the idea of compromise,

4:06

altering our authentic selves to fit the needs of others. While

4:10

seemingly logical Dr. Lapera argues that this conventional

4:13

wisdom is a direct path to lifelong resentment in her

4:16

groundbreaking book, How to be the love you seek she proposes

4:19

an alternative act healing our relationships by first

4:23

addressing the relationship we have with ourselves. This

4:25

episode promises to be a transformative experience as Dr.

4:29

Lapera guides us through her holistic approach. She

4:32

illuminates how unmet needs from our earliest relationships,

4:35

shape or current dysfunctional patterns, often leaving us in a

4:38

state of internal threat even with those we hold dear How to

4:41

be the love you seek is not just a book it's a beacon of hope for

4:44

anyone struggling with relationships whether its

4:47

challenges with a spouse, partner, family member, friend

4:49

or colleague Dr. Lopez insights offer healing roadmap listeners

4:53

will discover how to create safety within themselves

4:55

recognize unmet needs, develop emotional resilience and

4:58

cultivate deep meaningful With connections through heart

5:01

coherence in our interview, we delve into these transformative

5:04

concepts replete with practical tools, stories, exercises and

5:07

journal prompts offering a comprehensive guide for all

5:10

seeking to break cycles of pain and embrace a life of peace and

5:13

healing. Join us as we embark on this lightning journey with Dr.

5:16

Nicole Lapera as she teaches us to tap into our hearts innate

5:19

capacity for love becoming the very essence of the love we

5:23

seek. Thank you for choosing passion stuck and choosing me to

5:25

be your host and guide on your journey creating an intentional

5:28

life now let that journey began.

5:35

I am absolutely stoked today and honored to have the one and only

5:39

Dr. Nicole Lapera on passion struck. Welcome.

5:43

Dr. Nicole LePera: Thank you so much for having me. John. I'm honored to be here.

5:46

John Miles: You told me before you got on the show that you did

5:48

a little bit of recon on me. And I did a little bit of recon on

5:51

you. I found out that we're both from Pennsylvania. You grew up

5:54

in Philadelphia. And I grew up outside of Philly in New York

5:58

slash Lancaster. And I have to ask, are you an Eagles fan.

6:03

Dr. Nicole LePera: Of course I am, of course actually would

6:06

travel out to Lancaster to get some farm fresh meat and all of

6:09

the things when I was more recently had moved back to

6:12

Philadelphia. But yes, of all the sports football would be the

6:15

one that I stay most closely connected to and absolutely

6:18

eagles. John Miles: I moved to St. Petersburg, Florida battle Levin

6:24

almost 12 years ago now. And about nine years ago, I happened

6:28

to be out and ran into five or six other Eagles fans and we

6:34

created something that's called the birds of Berg here and it

6:37

started out with six to eight of us. Within three or four years,

6:41

it was up to 50 or 60. It now has 1400 members and our games

6:47

are so crowded that I can't even go to him anymore because you

6:50

can't get a seat. Dr. Nicole LePera: That is so incredible. I love when I see

6:55

people walking around in any of the really Philadelphia team

6:58

gear. I always make it a point to shout out my agreement.

7:02

John Miles: Well go birds. So well, Nicole, I thought we would

7:05

start out today, a lot of people understand traditional

7:09

psychology. But could you explain what holistic psychology

7:12

means and how it's different Dr. Nicole LePera: holistic psychology, I think for those of

7:17

us who are familiar with the more traditional sense of the

7:20

word for me that was really an overemphasis on the mind with

7:24

the gold standard. And being in the traditional world CBT

7:28

cognitive behavioral therapy, which is really built around

7:31

this idea that we change the way we think about certain things,

7:34

ultimately, we're able to change the way we feel. And then what

7:37

it is that we do. And after having practiced in that kind of

7:41

somewhat of a traditional sense, over emphasizing the power of

7:44

insight and awareness. And having created my own practice

7:47

living in Philadelphia at the time and several years in where

7:50

I had the opportunity to work with the same clients week after

7:54

week, year after year at that point. And I started to feel

7:57

really disempowered and the work that I was doing professionally,

8:01

and then also disempowered in my personal life because I

8:03

continued to see myself and all of the clients that I was

8:07

working with struggle to what I say is build that bridge from

8:11

insight into action to take the things that we were talking

8:14

about week after week, and to begin to create change in

8:17

whatever it is the area that they were looking to create

8:20

change, right, minimize the symptoms, shift their dynamics

8:23

in relationships and feeling really disempowered, seeing

8:26

myself continued to experience frequent anxiety to struggle

8:30

feeling disconnected in my relationships, I think I did is

8:34

the lifelong learner in me typically does I went online,

8:37

and I was like, What is going on here? Why are we all so stuck?

8:41

Why can I help people create the change that I want to be able to

8:45

help them and ultimately, that is when I was met with a whole

8:51

new range for me of information. And then began to include

8:55

conversations about the body, about our nervous system in

8:58

particular about our physiology. Instead of just emphasizing the

9:02

conscious mind or those logical, insightful moments, I really

9:06

began to look at the deeper subconscious mind and all of

9:09

those ingrained habits and patterns that are keeping us

9:12

stuck. And that's when I really began to define what I was doing

9:15

by using that label holistic because what that means to me

9:19

is, of course, we're still honoring the powerful mind that

9:22

we each have access to though. We're in trowing the body as

9:25

part of our conversation, understanding how to care for

9:28

the body. And really, I think that model gives us the

9:31

opportunity to understand on a deeper level, why it is that

9:35

we're stuck. And it gives us that access to more tools in

9:39

terms of being able to create the change that we're looking

9:42

for. John Miles: Well thank you for that background. And today,

9:45

we're gonna be going into a deep dive of your brand new book. For

9:48

those who are watching this on YouTube. You'll see it right

9:51

behind Nicole's shoulders, but it's called How to be the love

9:55

you seek break cycles find peace and heal your relationships.

9:59

Congratulations Dr. Nicole LePera: Thank you. Thank you. I'm super. And again,

10:03

I just want to thank everyone listening, it really is the

10:05

community who's interested in these conversations, that gives

10:08

me the opportunity to put out pieces of work in the form of a

10:12

book. And, for me, so much of my work this one included is really

10:16

informed by my own journey, my own struggles, man, of course,

10:20

all of the resources then that I've picked up along the way

10:22

that I hope can help and impact other people and create change

10:26

in their own lives. John Miles: For those listeners, who might be familiar with your

10:30

other two, how to books, can you explain how this book

10:34

complements the other two in this three book series?

10:38

Dr. Nicole LePera: I think again, like I was saying, this book, for me was just an intuitive. Next step, I have the

10:45

idea that many of us are We're on a journey of self awareness

10:48

or exploration. And my first book, how to do the work really

10:51

talked about that really becoming present to all of these

10:54

unconscious habits and patterns that are defining this very

10:57

habitual way of being. And, of course, my hope is to empowering

11:01

many of us to begin to make new choices and begin to create

11:05

change. I solid myself and again, in the clients that I was

11:08

working with, I did a lot of work with couples, a lot of work

11:10

with families, really observing and trying to help empower

11:14

changes in dynamics between people. And I think that

11:18

ultimately, relationships becomes our point of focus,

11:22

where many of us have created incredible change in our own

11:26

individual experiences. Yet, we continue to struggle as even the

11:30

subtitle that you read aloud right to break the cycles that

11:33

many of us have seen and lived within our families. And many of

11:38

us continue to have many dysfunctional patterns within

11:42

our relationships. So my own journey really reflected that

11:46

continuing to see myself struggle subconsciously with

11:48

moments of reactivity or disconnection in my

11:51

relationships continuing to feel not really connected, not really

11:55

emotionally fulfilled in my relationships, wanted to, of

11:58

course, understand why and seeing the same in the clients

12:01

that I was working with no amount of conversation in the

12:05

sessions was really helping the couples that I was seeing,

12:09

create change. So for me, it's again, the next extension that

12:13

many I think readers were looking for now that I'm still

12:16

struggling in my relationships, what can I ultimately do about

12:20

it, though, I do want to say, because I get asked quite often

12:22

in the context of a version of this question, well, do you have

12:26

to read them all or sequentially? And ultimately,

12:29

the answer is no, I've created all of the different works to be

12:32

really standalone. So anyone out there who's struggling in any

12:36

relationship, or who is struggling alone, in

12:38

relationship with themselves are struggling to find and maintain

12:42

a relationship. I think that within the book, there are a lot

12:45

of helpful insights and awarenesses of why you might be

12:48

struggling in those ways. And then, of course, many resources

12:51

to begin to create change. John Miles: Thank you for that. And I'm going to start with

12:55

Chapter One. In it, you discuss the concept of unconscious

12:59

choices that we make in our relationships. And you highlight

13:03

how we often fall in love, or surround ourselves with people

13:06

based on unacknowledged needs, or as you were just talking

13:10

about familiar patterns from our earliest experiences. How can a

13:15

listener today be more aware of their own subconscious decision

13:19

making process and their relationships?

13:22

Dr. Nicole LePera: Think becoming even just aware of what

13:24

you're you're kind of the wisdom that you're really sharing here,

13:27

which is that there are patterns that are driving us in our

13:30

relationships, that awareness, I think, is key because many of

13:34

us, we feel disempowered, right, we feel very reactive, we feel

13:38

like the world, others are happening to us what they're

13:41

doing what they're not doing. And we don't have a sense of the

13:45

role we're playing the role, more specifically, those

13:48

subconscious habits and patterns are playing and in our earliest

13:52

relationships and our earliest environment, right, we do become

13:56

very habituated to whatever needs were being tended to

14:00

consistently or not. And we as very adaptive creatures have

14:04

learned ways to show up within those environments to maintain

14:09

to whatever extent they were available, the connections that

14:12

we were physically dependent on in childhood, and emotionally

14:16

dependent on because again, our nervous systems, in that kind of

14:20

body based part of the conversation are developing well

14:23

throughout our 20s Even so we're driven all of us are driven our

14:28

nervous systems in particular are driven to prefer the

14:32

familiar. So really simply the way that we show up in our day

14:35

to day life, from everything from how we care for our own

14:38

physical bodies, our nervous systems, how we learn how to

14:42

soothe or turn to the support of others, to help us navigate our

14:46

stressful or upsetting emotions. And really just how we learn to

14:50

be ourselves when in connection with other people really is

14:54

based on the imprint of what it is that we had to do and more

14:57

often than not for most of us how it is that we had to adapt

15:01

in early childhood. So once we have that understanding, and

15:06

when we begin to become conscious and present to

15:09

ourselves in our day to day life, beginning to observe how

15:12

it is that I'm caring for my physical body, am I even

15:14

connected to the fact that I'm in a physical body to be in care

15:18

of it? What about in terms of my emotional world? What do I do

15:22

with my emotions? Do I suppress them and ignore them? Like

15:25

they're not happening? Or do I erupt from them and become

15:29

reactive, or am I able to be grounded and to share them with

15:33

another and to receive support from another person, am I able

15:37

to be who I am, when I'm in connection or in relationship

15:40

for others, and imagining many of you listening might not be

15:44

safe and grounded and connected to your body and in control, or

15:48

at least responsive to your emotions. And being who you are,

15:52

you're probably like the large majority of us, we're not

15:54

tending to our physical needs, we're shoving our emotions right

15:58

under the table or trying to ignore them. Or, as I talked

16:01

about, in the book, we're not showing up as who we are, we're

16:04

showing up more based on our what I call a condition self.

16:08

Right, we might be the caretaker, taking identity of

16:11

this way of caring for others around us. For me, I know, I

16:14

became really achievement focused, I wasn't necessarily

16:17

expressing who I was, I was expressing an aspect of my

16:22

personality. And again, all of that came back to how I learned

16:26

to feel safe and secure in my earliest environment. So as I'll

16:30

always do a break at the stage of change, how do I change or

16:34

transform what it is that I'm doing my dynamics and

16:36

relationships, and the first step will always be become

16:39

conscious, what are the habits and patterns that are coloring

16:42

your current life, and then that creates the opportunity to begin

16:45

to make some new choices. For many of us, those new choices

16:48

mean, reconnecting with my body, making sure that I'm tending to

16:52

its physical needs, its needs for nutrients, its needs for

16:55

movement, its needs for rest, with needs for calming,

16:58

grounding breath, that helps us to be responsive in those

17:01

moments to then care for my emotional needs attuning to

17:05

what's actually happening for me emotionally, not ignoring it,

17:08

pretending it's not there, learning how to express those

17:11

emotions to the world around us, and ultimately how to be who it

17:15

is that we are not the conditioning that we learned we

17:18

had to be to keep ourself connected to those around us. I

17:22

John Miles: have my own book coming out here in a few months.

17:25

And in it, I go through my personal experience, and I'm

17:28

going to get into yours here in a few moments. But I discussed

17:31

this concept that so many of us today are hiding behind a mask

17:36

of pretense, or pretending to be someone that we're not. And I

17:41

found myself similar to the way that you're describing doing

17:44

just that I was absorbed in this achievement culture, because I

17:51

guess I never felt safe from the time that I was a kid of being

17:54

authentically myself. And so I thought the way to prove that to

17:58

myself was through constant achievement. And I remember

18:03

reaching the pinnacle of at that point what I aspired to be,

18:08

which was a sea level at a fortune 50 company, and I had

18:12

achieved this yet felt this profound sense of emptiness

18:16

inside, and numbness and just disconnection to who I am. And I

18:22

think so many of the listeners today probably feel that same

18:27

stuckness. And it wasn't until I went to a career coach who

18:32

happened to also be a therapist that he really brought forth

18:38

this analogy to me that I had been living my life on a stool

18:43

that had one pillar underneath it. And that was this constant

18:48

pursuit of success, but I was ignoring other pillars that

18:53

needed to be there, as you were describing, such as your

18:56

emotions, and your physical health and your mental health

18:59

and your spiritual health and your relationship well being. Do

19:03

you find this same scenario often comes up in people that

19:08

you are helping? Congratulations,

19:10

Dr. Nicole LePera: John, on your upcoming book. And thank you for

19:13

gifting myself and your listeners with your own journey.

19:16

And I'm sure as you did within the book, as well, I think it's

19:19

so helpful when we began to pull our own mask off, especially in

19:22

such a public way as I know it's equally as difficult and

19:26

ultimately, I'm in gratitude to you because I don't know if you

19:29

had the same experience. I know I did. Similarly, coming to the

19:33

end of this list of achievements or achieving the greatest degree

19:36

possible in my field, getting the PhD having a successful

19:39

practice having the committed relationship being living near

19:43

my family, which was very important to me at the time. I

19:45

felt a lot of shame. When I didn't feel as I imagined the

19:49

world felt. I also feel which is good about myself, right when I

19:52

felt felt that same sense of emptiness, and even

19:55

disconnection from the life that I had spent so many years in

19:58

debt it to create it thing, right? I shamed myself for a bit

20:02

of time. And I'm saying that to say, because I think especially

20:06

when we are achievement driven in a society that bringing in

20:10

the larger context, that I believe I call it urgency

20:14

culture, because I think that there's a lot that is celebrated

20:17

in society that is in opposition to our natural way of being our

20:23

natural emotional needs, our natural physical needs, though,

20:27

it's celebrated, to some extent. So saying that to say and simply

20:31

answer your question, I think a lot of us when I've worked with,

20:34

or individually with a lot of people now in my community,

20:37

membership, self, healer, circle, there are a lot of

20:40

people that are feeling that same sense of emptiness, that

20:44

might be shaming themselves, right, because they're looking

20:46

at the world around them, or even what they've created for

20:49

themselves in their own individual lives. And they're

20:52

not feeling that sense of connection, or a fulfillment, or

20:57

joy, or creativity, right there feeling, that sense of emptiness

21:02

that both you and I are and I just wanted to mention the

21:05

society piece, because a lot that celebrate it, or in our

21:09

daily societies out there, the long hours that we were the

21:13

keeping ourselves endlessly busy, right? This idea that

21:16

we're always needing to be driven toward output and not

21:19

ever taking moments to rest, to recharge, to replenish to plant

21:23

the seeds, if you will, to use a metaphor, right, let alone to

21:25

grow and produce the seeds at some later time, which is our

21:28

natural and human existence missed to be much more on a

21:33

creativity cycle moments of rest, not just being driven by

21:37

the hour of the day, because that's how that's what I'm do at

21:39

work or the amount of hours that some of us are required to work

21:43

or the amount of obligations that many of us have to attend

21:45

to outside of the community support in which our ancestors,

21:50

right, inherently living in groups, much more had access to

21:54

support not always needing to be the single sole physical

21:58

caretaker financial caretaker, right. And everything in

22:01

between, again, saying that to say I think a lot of us are

22:04

being driven by condition patterns that have been either

22:08

have valued us within our individual families, or even a

22:11

valued us within our more societal families, so to speak,

22:17

that are very much at odds. And I think for many of us, like I

22:21

said, creating a lot of shame, when we don't feel as we imagine

22:24

we ought to feel when we're living in alignment with those

22:27

values. John Miles: I'm going to jump into your own personal story.

22:33

And this again, is right up in chapter one. You talk about your

22:39

shifting perspective on romantic relationships. And you start out

22:43

with your first relationship in high school and then you go

22:45

through a series of them culminating into you marrying

22:49

Vivian, at the same time you were undergoing intense

22:53

psychoanalytical training. And during this time you realized

22:57

the emotional disconnect in your marriage. And you started

22:59

opening up to strangers about deep feelings and relationship

23:03

dynamics. How did this really profound and I would have to

23:08

guess at the time, very emotional experience for you,

23:13

like open up your understanding of your own emotional connection

23:17

and relationships? And what advice from that experience

23:21

would you give to others who find themselves in a similar

23:23

situation? Dr. Nicole LePera: So since that that first relationship that

23:27

you're citing, which for me was in high school, I think I was

23:30

one what we traditionally now call it a serial monogamous,

23:33

meaning I was more or less always in a relationship, like

23:37

there would be several months between a relationship ending

23:40

and me finding another partner and then into the next committed

23:43

relationship, I would go ultimately, in all of the

23:46

relationships up until my more recent one, which was post

23:50

Vivian, my number one experience and ultimately complaint that

23:55

would often lead to the end of the relationship that I would

23:57

have for all of my partners beginning with that first one

24:00

is, I don't feel emotionally connected to you, I don't have

24:03

this depth that I felt like I was looking for and wanting. And

24:07

I think what I was trying to say and meaning was a deep

24:10

emotional, authentic connection with you. And for decades before

24:16

this moment in time where I was married to Vivian, when

24:19

undergoing on my own. I'm not only trained to be a

24:22

psychoanalyst in my own psychoanalytic so laying on the

24:24

couch with my own analysts being in a group environment with

24:28

other training analysts around me exploring my own dynamics

24:31

with others, which is when I began to share more of myself

24:33

emotionally. I was complaining that I was disconnected from my

24:39

partners and ultimately putting the blame on that. I must be

24:43

picking the wrong person who can't connect with me the way

24:46

that I'm looking for. Awful I would go to try to find a more

24:50

perfect partner. Why would it feel that way? Inevitably

24:52

sometime down the road, I would end up feeling that way again.

24:55

And it wasn't until this kind of moments because it's still an

24:59

ongoing process. For me, where I began to look at the role I was

25:02

playing, right, instead of saying, Well, it's the wrong

25:06

person I'm picking, which I think is really natural as I

25:08

kind of intro in the book, I think a lot of us right are

25:11

looking for this more perfect or ideal partner where we won't

25:13

feel or where our needs will be met in a different way. And I

25:18

wasn't necessarily looking at the role I might be playing,

25:21

more specifically, my subconscious and habits and

25:24

patterns might be playing in why I so consistently feel

25:28

emotionally disconnected. And what I started to become aware

25:32

of, because I think is all thing because not, at least for me,

25:34

it's not a lightbulb moment of all this awareness. And I just

25:37

knew everything I was doing or not doing it was a gradual kind

25:40

of shifting into, okay, what is this role I'm playing. And I

25:44

came to realize that if I really want to simplify it, the reason

25:47

why I didn't feel emotionally connected with any of my

25:50

partners, beginning with that first partner, was actually

25:54

something that first partner told me near the end of our

25:57

relationship, and he had said to me that he felt me to be

26:00

emotionally unavailable. Now, at this time, I was blown away,

26:04

because I didn't feel emotionally unavailable, I

26:06

thought he was inaccurate in that assessment. It can't be me,

26:10

it must be you, I'm only emotionally unavailable because

26:12

you're not able to give me what I need emotionally. And it took

26:17

me up until I heard something similar in that group analysis

26:22

that I was in. So again, we would sit around a room we would

26:24

explore and share our experiences of the other

26:27

analysts in the room. And one of the colleagues that I very much

26:30

respected at that time. One of the sessions describes me as

26:35

cold and aloof, again, shook me to my core, I didn't feel cold,

26:39

I didn't feel aloof, I had a lot of right feelings, overwhelming

26:44

feelings. At the time, though I had the possibility now aware, I

26:48

started to try on for size, the reality that maybe there was

26:51

something in both of those assessments and the reality that

26:55

I continued to create, which began in my first relationship

26:58

with my mother, who wasn't able to be emotionally attuned to me

27:02

to create the safe and secure relationship, where I could be

27:05

curious and explore my own feelings. And she wasn't able to

27:08

attune to me in those moments where I was having big emotions,

27:12

the reality that I continue to recreate was, I was emotionally

27:16

unavailable. I wasn't emotionally available to myself,

27:19

because I was so overwhelmed in my body. And ill equipped

27:23

physiologically to deal with all of the upsetting emotions, I

27:28

began to do what naturally all of our nervous systems will do,

27:31

if you're overwhelmed with stress consistently enough over

27:34

time, which is you'll begin to disconnect or to dissociate, I

27:38

call it in my first book, how to do the work, I call it living on

27:40

my spaceship. So much like I was being told, in my romantic

27:45

relationships, I wasn't emotionally connected to my

27:49

cell, yet, I was holding all of my partners responsible for the

27:54

very real lack of emotional connection, that I was feeling

27:58

not seeing all of the moments, I was suppressing my emotions or

28:02

disconnecting from my emotions, or not sharing what I really

28:05

felt because I was so focused on pleasing you keeping the

28:09

relationship not being needy as I are a burden as my language in

28:13

my mind, just again, I felt in childhood, when my mom of no

28:17

fault of her own, was unable to be emotionally present to me. So

28:22

that was, again, a groundbreaking shift of

28:24

awareness that the role I was playing in terms of my emotional

28:27

disconnection was being emotionally disconnected,

28:30

feeling unsafe, expressing myself emotionally, feeling

28:34

unable to receive the support that was maybe available around

28:39

me. And so as I began to come to that awareness and began to have

28:44

those conversations, I was able to, of course, have very many

28:47

difficult conversations in my marriage at that time, and

28:50

ultimately make the choice to end that relationship and

28:54

continue on my journey of reconnecting with myself

28:57

emotionally so that if and when, as I did enter into new romantic

29:02

relationships, I was actually someone who was available for

29:06

emotional connection. John Miles: As I was reading your book, I happen to be

29:10

reading Gabi Bernstein's most recent book at the same time,

29:14

and I found there to be a lot of parallels between them. I'm not

29:17

sure if you've read her most recent book, one of the topics

29:20

she both get into is worthiness. I will just talk about hers for

29:25

a second because you were talking about how we often start

29:30

finding ourselves living this life that's not our own. And so

29:34

because of that, when we get disconnected, like you and I

29:37

felt and Gabby felt herself, you end up starting to do things to

29:43

self comfort. That could be excessive work. It could be

29:46

excessive eating, it could be drinking, it could be drug

29:49

abuse, it could be whatever. But I think the point there is that

29:54

we don't feel that self love. We don't feel worthy of it. I think

30:00

An important thing that you brought up is that you're not

30:04

going to have this emotional availability until you love

30:08

yourself. Because that self love allows you to open up and expose

30:13

yourself and all that you are to someone else. I'm not sure how

30:18

you think about that. But that's how I felt it. And I know that's

30:22

how Gabby expresses it in her book. Dr. Nicole LePera: When I think about or when I hear about, or

30:28

read about the concept of self love, it can be quite a popular

30:31

conversation. I think sometimes there's a bit of

30:34

misinterpretation in terms of what is meant by self love. I

30:38

think naturally, when we think of self love, we think of all

30:40

the positive feelings that we could have about ourselves,

30:44

liking ourselves, being in celebration of ourselves doing

30:47

nice things. For ourselves, though, what I've come to learn

30:51

is that self love is much more than that. Self love is grounded

30:56

in the ability to be present to all of ourself, inside and

31:01

outside of those more positive feelings or positive moments or

31:05

positive, loving gestures, if you will, I'm intentionally

31:09

beginning there and just going to tie this into to worthiness

31:13

in childhood when we're completely dependent on someone

31:16

else to physically care for us to keep us physically alive. And

31:19

our nervous systems who are still in that state of

31:21

development, are dependent on another nervous system to help

31:26

us what's called co regulate, or really simply to go from

31:29

stressed or in distress, right when an infant's crying, when

31:33

needs to be soothed. Maybe because there's a physical need,

31:36

they're hungry, they're thirsty, they're tired, there needs to be

31:39

changed, or whether it's emotional need, they're feeling

31:41

stressed or upset, a toddler for whatever reason. So in that

31:46

state of development, when we need someone else does show up,

31:49

to meet our physical needs to help our body down, regulate or

31:52

calm down when it's upset or in distress, our nervous system and

31:57

our brain in particular, which is still developing our nervous

32:01

systems developing actually upwards until our 20s. Mentally

32:04

we're in a developmental stages called egocentric stage, from

32:08

birth until around age seven, or eight. And when we're in that

32:12

state, which is a much more immature state of development,

32:15

we really want to simplify what egocentric means. It means the

32:18

world revolves around us, as our mind will always do seeking to

32:21

understand the world around us make meaning of the world around

32:24

us, right? When a caregiver is not able to be physically or

32:29

emotionally consistently present. Now, any parents out

32:33

there, this isn't the one off where you're sick, and you're

32:35

not able to be physically present. Because you're in your room getting better or where emotionally there's a few couple

32:40

of days where you're under stress from work or for whatever

32:42

and you're not able to be fully emotionally attuned to your

32:45

kids. This is when more consistently than not, you're

32:48

not able to be present to physically or emotionally meet

32:52

the child's needs, the way their immature brain will make sense

32:56

of it. They can't like you and I can do right now, John, right,

32:58

from a mature perspective, zoom out and understand that oh, the

33:01

parent is sick, this has nothing to do with me in the moment or

33:03

the parent is working for the family, or maybe something's

33:06

going on in their parents life emotionally. And their lack of

33:10

availability has nothing to do with me, right? We gain that

33:12

ability as we mature. In that childhood, the world revolves

33:16

around me state, we assign a self focused meaning meaning

33:20

again, I'm gonna simplify this, when my parents not able to be

33:23

consistently present to meet my needs, physically or

33:26

emotionally. It must be something inherently wrong with

33:30

me, or beautifully brought up, I must not be worthy of having

33:35

those needs met, I must not be lovable. I must not be someone

33:40

who is available or needing or can receive the love and the

33:44

support and the connection, right, there must be something

33:47

wrong with me. And then because we're dependent on getting our

33:51

needs met and being in relation with these individuals, that's

33:55

when we start to modify who it is that we are, how it is that

34:00

we're showing up right in this level of attunement, assuming

34:02

that there's something wrong with me, I'll get really perceptive and aware of what I imagined caused mom or dad to be

34:09

or whoever the caregiver might be to be unavailable to me, I

34:12

will continue to assume there's something wrong with me, and

34:16

continue then to modify myself in my relationships, to make

34:21

sure that I'm someone who's worthy of love and worthy of

34:25

connection, even though at my core. I don't feel that way

34:28

today. And again, all of this belief, all of this habitual way

34:32

of being gets wired into our subconscious becomes familiar,

34:37

that familiar zone as we age, and we do have that awareness to

34:40

zoom out, our mind still assumes or assigned, so same filters,

34:45

our body still feels most comfortable, and certain

34:49

emotions and certain habitual behaviors. And we continue to

34:53

repeat these patterns, some of us taking them on as our

34:56

identity. Right? I'm a caretaker who's always in care of others

34:59

is the The only way I know my identity, right? I'm a pleaser.

35:03

I'm always just here to service the world, right? Or I'm an

35:06

overachiever. Or maybe I'm an other side of it. I'm an

35:08

underachiever. I'm someone who is meant to be in the background

35:11

of all of my relationships, and not be a burden, right not need

35:15

anything. And then that becomes how we identify and how we know

35:20

ourselves which wrapping this conversation full circle, is why

35:23

we're so stuck. Because some of us aren't even aware of those

35:27

very early adaptations, what we had to do, the beliefs now that

35:31

we have about ourself, most of us have adults, somewhere down

35:35

the line or kind of, if you dive into or dig into our beliefs, do

35:39

believe that we're unworthy unless we show up in a certain

35:42

way or unless we don't show a certain aspect of ourself, and

35:46

then driven by those beliefs, driven by our nervous systems

35:49

desire to be in those familiar neurobiological patterns. Before

35:53

we know it, we are stuck. Even if we gain insight and awareness

35:57

and desire to create change. John Miles: Hearing you just talk about that brought up to me

36:02

two other concepts that you bring up in the book that you

36:05

alluded to, in your answer. One is the ego story. And the other

36:10

is empowerment consciousness. I want to ask you about both. So

36:13

how does that ego story from childhood influence our adult

36:18

relationships? If you could expand upon that? And then what

36:22

is this empowerment consciousness? And how can it

36:25

help reshape our self worth? Dr. Nicole LePera: I appreciate this question, John, because

36:29

these two concepts are quite connected. So I believe at our

36:33

core, when I say that, that I'm unworthy, I think most of us

36:38

have that as our core ego story. There's a sense of unworthiness,

36:42

there's usually maybe something that comes after that, as we

36:46

begin to become more conscious, or simply pay attention to the

36:50

way that we're narrating our life or the meanings that our

36:52

subconscious mind is assigning to our daily events or

36:56

happenings or our roles in our relationship, we'll begin to get

37:00

a sense based on how repetitively we do tell

37:03

ourselves the same stories, or we tend to assign the same

37:06

meanings to the events or the happenings in our life, a sense

37:09

of kind of what might come after that, right? I'm unworthy, if

37:13

I'm not achieving, think I don't know if you can relate to that

37:15

one. I know that was a big one of my own. For me, another

37:20

similar ego story. And again, I just noticed this what was

37:24

coming up in my mind, as things were happening around me,

37:28

particularly things that I was becoming upset by. And in my

37:31

relationships, I started to pay attention to the meaning that I

37:35

was assigning when partners, right, would do or not do

37:39

whatever it was that was happening or not happening in

37:42

our day to day life, my mind, because our mind is always just

37:45

like in childhood, trying to make sense of the world around

37:48

us. The repetitive language that I would hear in my mind is I'm

37:52

not considered. And I would say that and assign that meaning,

37:57

right? My partner did this to me, Well, they did this because

37:59

they're not considering me and my needs in this moment, where

38:02

they didn't do whatever it was they didn't do. They didn't do

38:05

this, because they're not considering me and my needs in

38:08

the moment. And so our mind again, the ego story is really

38:11

based in those earliest interpretations. So from what

38:14

I've shared with my story right now, right, having this

38:17

emotionally unavailable mother, who was only able to see me that

38:21

the moments my mom was most present was when she was in

38:24

celebration of my achievements, whether it was academic or

38:27

athletic. So there came that version of the core belief,

38:31

right? I'm only worthy when I'm doing something that is being

38:34

celebrated that is being seen and celebrated by someone else.

38:39

Coupled with the next common narrative equally as common, I

38:43

should say, I'm not being considered why because while my

38:47

mom was very physically able present, and able to care for my

38:52

physical existence emotionally, she just like I developed the

38:55

habit to be was a million miles away on her own spaceship in her

38:58

state of disconnection, she was not able to consider my

39:04

emotional needs, or again, my more full self expression

39:07

outside of these moments of achievement, almost confirming

39:11

what I believe to be true. And that very early, immature

39:14

developmental stage, I continue to put that filter, even in the

39:20

moments where it wasn't the case that whatever was done or wasn't

39:23

done was not a reflection of my partner's lack of consideration.

39:27

For me, it might have had nothing to do with me in those

39:29

moments similar to as it has nothing to do with me in

39:31

childhood. Yet I was still assigning that filter, and what

39:36

that causes segwaying this into empowerment consciousness. So

39:40

just sticking with ego story, our mind continues to make sense

39:43

more often that continues to apply this filter over our daily

39:48

happenings. And then if we continue to assign as I did, I'm

39:52

not considered then usually what happens is to contrast that with

39:56

empowerment consciousness, which I'll get into in just a second.

40:00

We become reactive, emotional upset. In a state of like what I

40:04

call ego consciousness. All of those habitual reactions are

40:08

things that I did just to continue with my example. Every

40:11

time I felt not considered, which could look like either

40:14

screaming and yelling, I call this a ruptor mood right when my

40:18

nervous system dysregulated or went into fight response, when I

40:22

became upset outwardly yelling that I'm not being considered

40:26

saying things, I don't mean to the people around me, I would do

40:31

that. Or I would disconnect myself emotionally going into

40:36

distract, or what I call the detacher mode, or either

40:39

distracting myself by the thing that I have to do next. So I'm

40:42

not emotionally right present to the upset, the hurt of someone

40:47

not being available or caring for me or considering me in that

40:50

moment. Or I would just shut down entirely detached, maybe

40:53

physically present and act like whatever it was happening that

40:56

didn't bother me at all. In those reactive states, often as

41:01

a connected to these deep beliefs, of unworthiness, how

41:05

our nervous system then goes into these kind of survival

41:09

driven modes where it can absolutely as I just described,

41:12

IMPAQ are really relationships. And where again, we're so very

41:16

habitual, right, those things happen, I say, or do things that

41:20

I don't mean, I feel shameful after the fact, even though I

41:23

know I don't want to be saying or doing those things, right, I

41:25

want to be open for connection, even though I'm not, I'm really

41:28

driven in that state by my ego by those beliefs. So now

41:32

shifting, as I become aware of all of the different messages my

41:37

body is sending me to let me know that it's becoming

41:40

activated that my nervous system, right, my heart rate,

41:42

beginning to elevate my palms beginning to sweat, my jaw

41:45

beginning to clench my breath, beginning to get really quick,

41:49

are me holding my breath. Those are all now physiological

41:53

signals that I'm dropping down to that survival mode. I'm not

41:57

in that more empowered state of conscious awareness and

41:59

ultimately, choice. And then I can see, as I was describing

42:03

earlier, the more I paid attention to my thoughts are

42:06

created a bit of separation, so I could observe them, I began to

42:10

see the filters that I was applying to my real life

42:13

circumstances, which was then causing and creating that stuck

42:17

cycle right up, I'm physiologically activated, so I

42:20

don't feel safe, I feel like what's happening to me, it's just what happened to me in childhood, it's always not

42:24

available, or considering me, the filter that I'm applying is

42:27

exactly that. And then before I know it, my body has no choice,

42:31

but to react in that survival driven way. So as I become

42:34

conscious, and it's very much a process, right? It doesn't

42:38

happen in a immediate moment in time. But when I become

42:41

conscious, I become more empowered. Because it's not to

42:44

say that all of that wiring goes away, or the instinct or the

42:48

compulsion to act in these ways goes away, because it doesn't.

42:51

But what happens now, is I have a more empowered state in that

42:56

empowerment consciousness to say, Okay, is it possible that I

43:00

can now physiologically regulate my body in a new way? can I calm

43:05

my breath? Can I release the tension in my muscles? can I

43:09

calm my heart rate down so that now my body is sending signals

43:13

that it's safer in this moment than it once was when it was in

43:17

that state of reactivity? Can I create more space between these

43:20

subconsciously or unconsciously driven perceptions of what's

43:24

happening? And make the possibility for myself that I

43:28

can show up in choice in conversation? Right, maybe it's

43:33

possible that this person isn't not considering me in this

43:37

moment, maybe I can expand my awareness and have a more

43:41

grounded conversation about what's happening, and explore

43:45

for myself a new way to get my emotional needs met. So that's

43:50

what I am defining as empowerment consciousness, the

43:52

more present we are, to the habits and patterns, the more

43:55

that we're aware that many of them live in our body, and are

43:58

dropping us back into that survival driven habitual

44:00

reactive state where we won't have control, the more I access

44:04

that more grounded space of empowerment, different parts of

44:08

my brain entirely. Now I can be a more active participant in my

44:12

relationships, I don't just have to let those familiar patterns

44:16

those familiar identities drive the future of my relationships,

44:20

I can show up in a more grounded presence, and begin to make new

44:24

choices, which for me, meant being more emotionally

44:27

vulnerable, opening myself up for a more emotional connection,

44:31

entertaining the possibility that I am being considered in

44:35

ways that I once was it. John Miles: Thank you for giving that a great explanation. And I

44:41

thought it might be beneficial to go through to other scenarios

44:44

of how things that happen in our early childhood could impact our

44:48

relationships and our own self love and what to do about it.

44:53

The first is something I heard you talk about on an episode

44:56

with Danica Patrick, and this is what happens If you grew up in a

45:00

household that is rent defied, meaning you become the parent of

45:04

your parents, I was hoping you could explore that one a little

45:07

bit. Dr. Nicole LePera: Absolutely. That in childhood, I think

45:09

happens out of a lot of different circumstances, more

45:13

often than not, out of necessity. Having a parent who's

45:17

emotionally incapacitated for whatever reason, having a parent

45:21

who is unable to show up in more kind of physical or practical

45:26

care. A lot of times it happens in families where there's

45:29

multiple children, where one of the children will need to show

45:34

up almost in the role of parenting rest of the family,

45:37

their siblings, for whatever reason, because the parent is

45:40

emotionally or physically unavailable for whatever reason

45:43

and get out of that state of adaptation, maybe even

45:47

sometimes, connection, right, having the parent who needs your

45:51

constant emotional support, when developmentally you're a child,

45:55

but yet you're treated like a peer, right? Things are shared

45:58

with you emotionally, maybe even about your other parent, or

46:01

maybe about your parents own personal life, that are too much

46:05

for you to emotionally handle. Yeah, in those moments, you have

46:09

access to your parents physical presence to emotional presence,

46:12

they're relying on you for their own sense of support, soothing,

46:17

or comfort, I just want to continue to emphasize that all

46:20

of these different kind of habit, habitual ways of being

46:23

are born out of necessity, right, as the child who was

46:26

present defied, there was some circumstances that were

46:29

happening or that weren't happening in your relationships

46:32

or in the environment, or that your family was living in, that

46:36

required or necessitated you to take on that parental fi role.

46:41

And then when that happens in childhood, right, you tend to

46:44

keep playing that role, which at its foundation, it's really a

46:49

stage multiple years of self exploration, curiosity, of

46:55

having the time and space through the consistent

46:58

availability and presence of a parent meeting your needs, where

47:01

you learn to be curious about your needs, identify your needs,

47:04

and then ultimately learn how to show up in service of meeting

47:08

your own needs. And when that doesn't happen, because you're

47:11

putting your parents or your family's needs, because you had

47:16

to in childhood before your own, then we become an adult who's

47:20

unable to attend to their own needs, who doesn't know what

47:24

they think, what they feel, what they want, what they need, and

47:27

who's always habitually driven, to show up in that same version

47:31

of service for the whole world around us. And a lot of times we

47:36

become I think, what a lot of traditionally have heard of

47:38

being a people pleaser. I call a yes person, one of the

47:41

conditions cells, which is no matter who needs one of me, I'm

47:45

always saying yes, right showing up. Because in childhood, I

47:49

needed to be that, or I'm the caretaker because I very much

47:53

was in care, physical or emotional care of my parent may

47:57

be of my siblings. So now I'm that role in all of my

48:01

relationships in adulthood, born out of necessity, continuing out

48:06

of familiarity. Ultimately, though problematically, which I

48:09

think some of us have even learned to define that way of

48:14

being that outward sense of service as being selfless.

48:17

Right? Well, I'm just showing up in service of other people,

48:21

though, when we truly understand how our body works, how our

48:23

nervous system works, the fact that we do have physical needs

48:26

that need to be met, again, bringing up kind of the example

48:30

of I'm sure many of us, those of us who have flown right, the put

48:33

your oxygen mask on first. I've learned in my own life, we can't

48:37

be of true service to other people, unless there is space,

48:42

for our own needs to be consistently met was born out of

48:45

necessity in childhood, when might even be validated as this

48:48

idea that I'm just being selfless, right and care of

48:51

everyone around me, because that's what I had to do in childhood. The reality of it is, I'm not actually able to be in

48:58

full service, because I'm not actually able to identify or

49:02

meet the needs that I need to be meeting to be in that state of

49:05

service. John Miles: I'm now going to jump to something completely

49:10

different because I don't think I can do this interview and not

49:14

touch on this. I recently released a podcast with brain

49:18

expert Jim quick, where we talked a lot about

49:20

neuroplasticity, and this is something you also cover in the

49:23

book drawn from Dr. Daniel Siegel's research someone you

49:27

talk about in the book on interpersonal neurobiology. How

49:31

does this neurobiology profoundly impact the social

49:35

nature of our nervous system? Both in our relationships that

49:40

are platonic or romantic and what does this have to do with

49:44

our well being and physical safety and today's

49:48

individualistic culture that we find ourselves in?

49:53

Dr. Nicole LePera: Even just starting with this list this concept while I do think a lot of society was driven to

49:58

celebrate the individual A lot of our society is structurally

50:02

set up to separate us from other individuals. The reality that

50:06

began in our early existence when we're born, and will

50:10

continue throughout our entire existence here of being a human,

50:12

which is that we need connections to other people, I

50:16

think a lot about our ancestors and how not only was there

50:20

physical safety that was gained when there was groups joining

50:24

together, there was emotional safety and emotional support.

50:27

And that really highlights Dr. Dan Siegel's work and every all

50:31

of the those that came before there really spoke about the

50:34

nervous system and how integral it is, in terms of our the

50:38

entirety of our existence, and really understanding the basic

50:42

need of the nervous system, which is those points of CO

50:46

regulation, and the natural interconnectedness that exists

50:50

between us always. And what I mean when I say that is our

50:54

nervous system is sending out and is assessing the

50:57

electromagnetic signals, vibrational energies, that is in

51:01

the environment, and of course, the relationships of those

51:04

around us. So we are always in a state of connection to other

51:09

individuals, and are always impacting the connections that

51:13

we have, and the nervous system states of those individuals

51:17

around us. As I've shared in the beginning of our conversation

51:21

beginning in childhood, when we need those points of CO

51:23

regulation, when we're beginning to define who we are in

51:26

relationship based on the safety and security or lack thereof of

51:30

in our earliest relationships. It is this social brain driven

51:34

by our nervous system, that is at the core, when I didn't have

51:38

safe and secure relationships, chances are I don't feel worthy,

51:41

right? I've adapted by creating these habitual ways, oftentimes

51:44

the roles that we're playing to maintain these connections, that

51:47

which I need. And as we continue to then go about life, if our

51:53

nervous system is always in one of those nervous system

51:56

responses that I went very quickly over earlier, or is

52:00

sending out messages of stress, or a threat than the dominoes, I

52:05

think of it like dominoes, the impact I'm having on those

52:09

around me is I'm cranking up, I'm turning up the volume of the

52:13

stress in my relationships, and in my communities who's across

52:17

the room for you right now, if I'm in a stress mode, I don't

52:19

have to say anything. And I think many of us have had this experience where you walk in a room, and you can feel the vibe,

52:24

you may know, when there was just an argument, even if

52:27

there's quiet at this point, you just feel and what you're

52:30

feeling is the state of stress and tension and threat in the

52:35

nervous systems of those around you. Because in childhood, we

52:39

had that CO regulation, the calm, grounded, peaceful nervous

52:41

system with which to co regulate with which to discover ourselves

52:45

so that we can feel safe, right, just being who it is that we

52:47

are. Now we're reversing those signals. So anyone I interact

52:53

with, instead of feeling the tension that I'm carrying the

52:56

stress, ultimately feeling threatened by physiological

52:59

being without me even saying anything threatening. Now the

53:03

signal that they're going to receive is one of calm, grounded

53:08

presence. And I don't know, maybe some listeners, I've even

53:11

heard people comment, oh, my gosh, I just feel calm and

53:14

grounded at peace around you. So I just like to illustrate that

53:19

kind of state of that social brain driven by our nervous

53:22

system. And its impact to the entirety of our being right,

53:27

when we're not safe to express ourselves. As we were talking

53:29

about earlier, I'm only worthy when I'm achieving, right, it's

53:32

going to impact how I am in the world. When I'm not feeling and

53:35

or being truly who I am, or FM in that state of reactivity,

53:40

because I'm upset personally because someone's not considering me. Now I'm not only impacting myself, because I

53:46

don't feel safe to be who I am to express my real wants and

53:49

needs to share myself vulnerably now I'm impacting all of my

53:53

relationships, and all the world around me and the empowerment I

53:56

think and I hope that people take away from this conversation

53:59

from my book or any of my work is going back to this two

54:02

concepts of change two steps of change. When I become aware of

54:05

how I'm wired, what signals I'm sending to myself and to those

54:09

around me, the more conscious I become, the more I can begin to

54:13

make intentional choices, to create that reconnection with my

54:17

body, that calm grounded presence, the ability to be who

54:20

I am, so that when I am interacting with other people,

54:23

they feel safer to authentically express themselves, to

54:27

emotionally connect, and really to join together in

54:31

interdependence interdependent relationships, which is really

54:33

simply I me with all my different perspectives, wants,

54:37

desires, interests, talents, and your you with all of your

54:42

different perspectives, desires, interests, and talents and to

54:45

gather when we both feel safe and secure to be who we are in

54:49

connection. We don't feel fearful that if we show or

54:52

express some side of ourselves, the person is going to leave us

54:55

then the signals we begin to send not only within that

54:57

relationship, but to all of those that we will Because in

55:00

connection with over our lifespans will be those signals

55:03

of safety and that security. John Miles: So podcast is about intentional choice. And you just

55:09

nailed that answer. And I think something you talk about in the

55:13

book I refer to it is we live a pinball life you call it, we

55:17

live on autopilot. And to me when you can learn how to use

55:22

intentional choices, something that I call deliberate action,

55:25

that is really the key to breaking these mindset and

55:29

behavior cycles that people find themselves in, I know, listeners

55:33

are gonna get a ton of value from this, if they want to learn

55:36

more about you in the work that you're doing, where's the best

55:39

place for them to go? Dr. Nicole LePera: Absolutely, I do hope they gained value for

55:44

this conversation, though, I also do hope they come find me

55:48

on whatever social media it is, that is their preference to

55:51

consume content, so much of my priority, and my focus is making

55:56

sure that these conversations are happening free accessible,

56:00

not only conversations, tools and resources, so across all the

56:03

social media platforms at this point, there's some version of

56:06

the handle the holistic psychologist, where you can find

56:09

this information, these conversations, this community,

56:12

even just ending on this idea of connection and how important it

56:15

is to begin to hear from other people who are thinking about

56:18

the same things able to relate. In the same ways. It's honestly

56:21

John, the reason why I created the social media account was

56:25

twofold for me to begin to be more authentically who I was

56:28

sharing myself unfiltered with the world around me so that then

56:31

I could feel more emotionally and authentically connected to

56:35

the world around me. So I really want to emphasize again, the

56:38

free accessible content that I'm driven to continue to create and

56:42

to put out there any information that you want about the books

56:45

where to buy them, I have a website up how to be the love

56:49

you seek.com I have a personal website, the holistic

56:51

psychologist.com that has information about myself healer,

56:55

circle, my global membership, as well as an email list, I have a

56:59

free resource out that's available right now you just pop

57:02

your email in, and you'll get a journaling practice that's

57:05

geared toward relationships. So again, even just tying this into

57:09

deliberate choice and intentional action, this is a

57:11

daily way a daily habit takes about five minutes you can build

57:14

in to your day to day where it helps you become aware of some

57:17

of these unconscious patterns within your relationships. And

57:21

then allows you to of course, there's instructions and prompts

57:25

and things like that you can follow, begin to create this

57:27

deliberate actions are those conscious choices, so that you

57:31

can create change. And again, all of that can be found on my

57:33

website, the holistic psychologist.com.

57:37

John Miles: Nicole, congratulations again on this

57:39

amazing book. Thank you so much for joining us today and talking

57:44

about all this amazing advice that you have, it's really going

57:47

to impact the listeners. I

57:50

Dr. Nicole LePera: appreciate that. John, thank you for your presence, your curiosity, your interest in having a

57:54

conversation with me. And same goes to all of you out there

57:57

listening so inspired by communities like yours that are

58:01

interested in these conversations about creating

58:03

conscious choice, deliberate action, really reconnecting with

58:06

our passionate with our purpose. I believe it not only changes

58:10

individual lives, I truly believe it helps change the

58:13

lives of those around us. So thank you all for the work that

58:16

you're doing day in and day out. John Miles: I thoroughly enjoyed that interview with Dr. Nicole

58:20

Lapera And I wanted to thank Nicole and HarperCollins for the

58:22

honor and privilege of having her appear today on today's show

58:25

links to all things Nicole will be in the show notes a passion

58:27

stock.com Please use our website links if you purchase any of the

58:30

books from the guests that we feature here on the show

58:33

advertiser deals a discount codes are in one convenient

58:35

place a passion struct.com/deals Please consider supporting those

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who support the show YouTube videos are at both genre miles

58:43

and our other station at Passion struck clips. Please check both

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them out and subscribe. You can sign up for my work related

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newsletter work intentionally on LinkedIn you can find me on all

58:54

the socials at John are miles where you can sign up for my

58:57

personal development newsletter live intentionally off of

59:00

passion stock.com you're about to hear a preview of the Passion

59:03

stock podcast interview that I did with Lee Benson, a value

59:06

creation expert who has over 30 years experience across the

59:10

business world. He is the CEO of execute to win a firm that helps

59:14

organizations of all sizes who accelerate the value that they

59:18

create. In our interview, we discuss Lee's brand new book

59:21

value creation kid which offers a roadmap for parents helping

59:26

them to equip their children with the superpower of turning

59:29

every life experience into a valuable lesson. All these

59:32

Lee Benson: little choices we make throughout the day, if we

59:35

have and most people don't have an intentional set of values or

59:39

an intentional purpose for their lives. But let's say you set a

59:43

list of core values that are important to you. Nobody's

59:46

perfect. So all these micro choices and the big goals that

59:49

we have. It's a journey and I think too many beat themselves

59:54

up when they make a few small wrong choices. Instead of

59:57

continuing to cultivate A lead a life that creates more and more

1:00:01

value in the world and learn from those mistakes. The

1:00:05

John Miles: fee for the show is that you share it with family or

1:00:07

friends when you find something useful or interesting. If you

1:00:10

know someone who could use the words and advice that Nicole

1:00:13

gave on today's episode, and please share it with them. The

1:00:16

greatest compliment that you can give our show is to share it

1:00:19

with those that you love and care about. In the meantime, do

1:00:21

your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live

1:00:24

what you listen until next time, go out there and become passion

1:00:27

struck.