0:00

This is the first of a

0:00

two part episode on sex. So this

0:04

one is definitely for a grown

0:04

and sexy audience only. Alright,

0:09

let's get into it Welcome to practically married,

0:26

the podcast created to help

0:30

dating engaged and newly married

0:30

couples prepare for healthy long

0:34

term committed relationships.

0:34

I'm Paula Holt. And on this

0:39

show, I'm going to bring you

0:39

conversations with experts who

0:43

will give you tools to take your

0:43

relationship to the next level.

0:47

Although many of our guests will

0:47

be therapists, please keep in

0:50

mind that practically married is

0:50

for educational purposes only,

0:54

and is not a substitute for

0:54

therapy with a licensed

0:57

professional. Hi, thanks for joining me.

1:01

Before we get into the

1:04

conversation, I wanted to take a

1:04

moment to point out something

1:08

that has been a recurring theme

1:08

in the practically married

1:11

interviews. And that's the need

1:11

for self reflection.

1:16

When we think about working on

1:16

our relationship, we often think

1:19

about what we can work on with

1:19

our partner, or probably more

1:24

often we think about what our

1:24

partner needs to work on.

1:28

But what's emerged in these

1:28

conversations so far, is that a

1:32

lot of what we need to do first

1:32

is work on better understanding

1:36

ourselves. By thinking about how

1:36

our childhood and other past

1:41

experiences have shaped us is the point that comes up in

1:44

this conversation today with my

1:48

guest who has a passion for

1:48

helping people find and expand

1:51

pleasure. Keeley Rankin has been a sex and

1:54

relationship coach for over a

1:57

decade. She has a Master's in

1:57

Counseling Psychology with a

2:02

focus on marriage and family

2:02

therapy. She's also a specialist

2:06

in the field of male sexual

2:06

struggles. And she's certified

2:10

and multiple forms of body work.

2:10

Let's welcome Keeley Rankin to

2:14

the show. Hi, Kaylee. Welcome to the

2:18

practically married podcast. Hi,

2:22

I'm so so delighted and excited

2:22

to be here with you. Well, I am

2:27

very happy to have you because

2:27

this is a topic that is so

2:31

important. And I think people

2:31

will be very interested in I

2:35

have to tell you all morning,

2:35

the song that has been playing

2:39

in my head is let's talk about

2:39

six spades.

2:46

Pepper, so that's been that's

2:46

been playing in my head. I guess

2:50

the first thing I want to start

2:50

off with is defining what sex

2:55

is, which for some people will

2:55

seem like, of course we know

2:58

what sex is. Yeah, but I think,

2:58

you know, and I'm sure you'll

3:02

agree a lot of us are kind of

3:02

raised with a very narrow

3:06

definition of sex. And can you

3:06

speak to how you would define

3:11

sex? And maybe how couples

3:11

should think about it? Yes. And

3:14

I actually love that we're that

3:14

you're starting out this

3:19

part of part of this experience

3:19

talking about like, what is sex

3:23

because I do believe almost

3:23

everyone and myself included

3:27

sometimes will narrow in the

3:27

idea of sex. I think we hear the

3:31

word sex and most people think

3:31

penetration and orgasm that's

3:35

normally goes along with it too.

3:35

But sex if you're

3:40

right, if if if, depending on

3:40

Yeah,

3:44

that's good. I was gonna go into

3:44

a more complicated thing, but ya

3:47

know, I should you know, that

3:47

applicated but it is. But you

3:52

know, it's, um, it.

3:56

There's such a huge array of way

3:56

that people can be sexual, and

4:01

erotic and inhabit their bodies

4:01

in this adult playful, fun,

4:05

sexy, pleasurable way. And so

4:05

when I think of sex, I'm like,

4:09

what is fun? What is playful?

4:09

What is sexy, what is sensual,

4:14

what is erotic, what feels good,

4:14

and that is sex to me and I

4:18

normally will have couples when

4:18

I start working with them to

4:21

draw a big circle. If they have

4:21

children at home, I'm like, get

4:24

one of those big pieces of paper

4:24

out that you give your kid and

4:26

draw a big circle and put a dot

4:26

for sex intercourse actually.

4:31

And then I want them to fill in

4:31

all of the other things that

4:34

happen or could happen that they

4:34

would want to have happen within

4:37

that circle that is actually in

4:37

the arena of sexuality and and I

4:43

consider sex. So I think and I

4:43

normally have them put it on,

4:46

put it on the fridge if they

4:46

can, so they can walk by it, see

4:49

it fill it out because there is

4:49

so much more to who we are as

4:54

erotic beings than just taking

4:54

our clothes off and getting into

4:59

the experience of physical act of intercourse and

5:00

trying to find orgasm. Right? I

5:04

like that exercise, that's a

5:04

good way to do it. Because I

5:08

think, you know, many people are

5:08

visual learners. And so it's,

5:13

it's a good way to remind people

5:13

in a way that they can process

5:17

very quickly and easily, right.

5:17

And you can just add it in,

5:20

like, you walk into the kitchen,

5:20

and you're like, oh, yeah, that

5:22

thing, and you can add it in, and then your partner goes by later. And they're like, Oh, I

5:24

didn't, you put that up there.

5:26

And it sort of opens up this

5:26

playful way of talking about it.

5:29

And, you know, really saying,

5:29

like, we don't have to be in a

5:33

box, we don't have to be in this

5:33

box of what we thought sex was,

5:37

we can step outside of it. We're

5:37

not wrong or bad. It doesn't

5:40

have to be shameful. Well, another thing that that

5:43

some people may think is

5:45

obvious, but you know, I think

5:45

we should really kind of start

5:49

from scratch and think about

5:49

these things.

5:52

Is why is it important in a

5:52

relationship?

5:57

Right, you know, why a sex

5:57

important, I think is such an

6:00

interesting question for every

6:00

human engaging in a romantic

6:06

connected relationship to ask

6:06

themselves, what is important

6:09

for them? Right? And is it

6:09

important, I guess the vets

6:12

isn't important? And why right?

6:12

Is it a not B in some

6:16

relationships? Right. And I

6:16

think what normally happens in

6:20

couples is that for one person,

6:20

it's like, number one or two on

6:25

level of priority, and for the

6:25

other person that's maybe like

6:28

five or six, or even lower. And

6:28

that's where we get sort of this

6:31

mismatch. And it becomes really

6:31

important to understand how is

6:35

your partner holding their

6:35

relationship with sexuality, and

6:39

how often and the ways in which

6:39

you engage with it. And you

6:44

know, that it's interesting, I

6:44

think the question of like, the

6:47

role that it plays in a couple,

6:47

because I think for some

6:50

couples, it plays this role of,

6:50

it's the only thing that we do

6:54

that's unique together. Like,

6:54

you know, I go to dinner with my

6:58

friends, but I don't have sex

6:58

with my friends, I play tennis

7:01

with my sister, you know. So

7:01

there's a way in which sex

7:05

becomes, or this space of a rod

7:05

of sudden becomes this really

7:09

unique shared experience between

7:09

the couple that separates it

7:12

from family or from friends, and

7:12

moves it into this really,

7:16

really unique and important

7:16

space, as well as I think for

7:22

most, and these are

7:22

generalizations, but you know,

7:24

every, and every person is very

7:24

unique. But I also think for

7:28

most, most people, the

7:28

experience of taking your

7:32

clothes off, and using your

7:32

genitals or playing in that way,

7:37

is a very, very vulnerable, and there's a

7:39

certain part of us inside that's

7:45

activated, when we share in that

7:45

way. And a level of protection,

7:50

I think that we have around our

7:50

bodies and sharing in those

7:54

vulnerable, intimate spaces. So

7:54

it also holds this.

7:59

You know, I'm, I'm engaging in

7:59

this way where I trust you to be

8:03

this vulnerable. I think that's

8:03

a big part too, for many people

8:07

on a deeper layer, what it

8:07

sounds like. And I mean, we know

8:12

this that Each couple has to define kind

8:14

of what their sexual

8:17

relationship means for them. And

8:17

obviously, what that requires is

8:23

a level of communication. But

8:23

unfortunately, many of us have a

8:28

hard time talking about six, can

8:28

you? Can you speak to that a

8:33

little bit and kind of some of

8:33

the challenges that you observed

8:36

in couples who struggle to

8:36

communicate about sex.

8:41

I think the first thing to

8:41

always remember when we're

8:44

communicating around sex is that

8:44

most people, if not all, people

8:49

don't like to use sort of the

8:49

version of all but most people

8:53

will struggle at some point to

8:53

communicate around sexuality and

8:58

eroticism. So if you're

8:58

listening to this, and you're

9:01

thinking, Oh, no, my partner and

9:01

I, like we struggled to

9:03

communicate, what do we do? I

9:03

think the first thing to do is

9:06

to just take a big deep breath,

9:06

like, okay, everything's fine.

9:11

Yeah, most people struggle.

9:14

It doesn't mean the end of your

9:14

relationship. It doesn't mean

9:17

you can't work through it. And

9:17

that breath also we want to

9:20

remember patience, because one

9:20

of the things about sexuality,

9:23

especially in a long term

9:23

relationship is this is the long

9:27

game. This is this is more than

9:27

a marathon. This is 100 mile

9:30

race. This is you don't stop

9:30

running. So there's no need to

9:34

sprint into it. There's no need

9:34

to come at our partners with

9:38

aggression or hostility. I

9:38

understand resentment and anger

9:43

that is a very real emotion. And

9:43

when we come at our partner in

9:46

that place, it becomes very,

9:46

very difficult for you know,

9:50

oftentimes people don't communicate sometimes because they're scared

9:53

or they feel ashamed, but

9:56

sometimes people just genuinely

9:56

and more often than not, they

9:59

don't know No, like, they don't know the

10:00

answer to these questions. I've

10:03

never thought about it. Well, a lot of times it's not

10:05

even not knowing the answer to

10:08

the question is what question do

10:08

you even ask?

10:12

Where do you start? Right? Many

10:12

of us, I certainly count myself

10:16

among the many when it comes to

10:16

not having learned about six,

10:22

kind of in any direct way. I

10:22

wasn't, you know, I didn't go

10:26

from I didn't come from one of

10:26

those households where the

10:28

parents spoke openly. For that's

10:28

an understatement. Actually, it

10:34

wasn't spoken about at all.

10:34

Right. And and I think for a lot

10:38

of people, maybe it's a little

10:38

better for,

10:42

for people today. But it really

10:42

depends. There's a big spectrum

10:47

between people who were raised

10:47

in sort of a overly sexualized

10:51

environment. And then there's a

10:51

healthy environment. And then

10:54

those those many, many on the

10:54

range where no one discussed it.

10:59

Yeah. And so that, yeah, that question of like, where do we even begin to communicate about

11:01

it also, and I think that's the

11:04

gentleness with yourself of

11:04

like, I'm not wrong or bad for

11:07

not knowing where to start. And

11:07

there's lots and lots of

11:10

resources, there's not

11:10

necessarily one perfect place to

11:13

start. It's more just that you

11:13

start, and you hold the space to

11:18

let it evolve. And being

11:18

curious. And it seems especially

11:23

difficult, I think, for a lot of

11:23

straight couples, because there

11:28

is going back to that definition

11:28

of sex. There is this kind of

11:33

expectation in straight couples,

11:33

a lot of times that, well, we

11:37

know what sex is, and right,

11:37

we're just going to do that.

11:40

Whereas I think in a lot of

11:40

queer couples, right, so I have

11:43

been told is that you have to

11:43

communicate about sex from the

11:48

beginning, because you have to

11:48

say what you want, there's no,

11:52

there's not a given of what sex

11:52

is going to be as much we're

11:56

partners as frustrate partners.

11:56

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah,

12:01

they're sort of because they have to navigate

12:03

more complex dynamics

12:09

that don't fit that typical

12:09

script that everyone's just sort

12:12

of handed as they entered

12:12

puberty through their peers.

12:16

There's more of there's more of

12:16

a conversation, although, you

12:19

know, not always, I think it is

12:19

also true is very difficult for

12:22

many queer couples to

12:22

communicate as well.

12:26

But there are some things I yes,

12:26

that I think that they know,

12:29

that they would have to normally

12:29

navigate in the bedroom that

12:34

allows them to have slightly

12:34

different types of

12:37

conversations. Absolutely. Well,

12:37

you know, on the subject of sex

12:42

and communication, I think,

12:42

well, you know, really what I

12:45

want to talk to you about today,

12:45

and you have so graciously

12:48

agreed to do two episodes on

12:48

sex, because we just couldn't

12:52

figure out a way to fit it all

12:52

in. And so one of the things I

12:56

want to start with is couples

12:56

talking about their sexual

13:00

history. And what that means, because I

13:03

will say, I grew up in an era

13:07

where your history was your

13:07

number, you know, when people

13:11

talked about that, and it was,

13:11

you know, during, you know, the,

13:15

the kind of the height of HIV

13:15

and AIDS, and people want it to

13:19

know people's number sometimes,

13:19

and when the age something

13:22

around the number, and the

13:22

number just doesn't, it doesn't

13:27

begin to tell the story of what

13:27

your sexual history is, nor does

13:31

you know your experience with

13:31

STIs. But that's another thing

13:36

that sometimes people previously

13:36

would would be asking when they

13:41

asked about your sexual history.

13:41

But can you talk to us a little

13:44

bit about when you think of

13:44

someone's sexual history? What

13:48

does that mean? Yeah, I normally, the first

13:51

thing I think of when I think of

13:54

someone's sexual history is

13:58

actually the first time that

13:58

they explored masturbation or

14:01

what they remember about self

14:01

pleasuring sometimes it's way

14:05

way back, like lots of children

14:05

will actually explore touching

14:10

themselves just for pleasure,

14:10

you know, three, four years old,

14:14

and some people will have

14:14

memories of their parents,

14:17

scolding them, or really shaming

14:17

them. And well, you know, we

14:22

normally and it's very

14:22

controversial to talk about a

14:25

younger person as a sexual being

14:25

but we are all born sexual

14:28

beings. And as we move through

14:28

life, and we develop different

14:33

levels of maturity, our

14:33

sexuality ends up most of the

14:37

time looking more like an adult

14:37

sexuality. But there is you

14:41

know, if we take sexuality as

14:41

this connection to pleasure in

14:44

our bodies. It's something when I think of

14:46

history is like going way back

14:49

in time and looking at those

14:49

experiences of how people

14:52

learned about pleasure in their

14:52

bodies. There's definitely the

14:57

space to learn about you know, pee

15:00

Uberti and if orgasm is a part

15:00

of someone's experience, their

15:03

first orgasms their first sexual

15:03

partners, and what we're really,

15:08

you know, when I, sometimes

15:08

heterosexual couples can be a

15:11

little funny about learning

15:11

about people's past sexual

15:13

partners, like I don't want to

15:13

learn about who he or she was

15:17

with. And that's just too much

15:17

for me to hear. But there is

15:20

some really important

15:20

information that you're probably

15:25

gonna need or want to know, in a

15:25

long term committed

15:29

relationship, specifically

15:29

around if there's any sexual

15:34

violations that happened if

15:34

someone experienced someone

15:38

forcing themselves on on your

15:38

partner, because that's going to

15:41

that is going to show up in your

15:41

relationship. Absolutely. And

15:45

you will want to know about

15:45

that, even before past partners,

15:50

you know, seems important to

15:50

have conversations informative,

15:53

certainly to have conversations

15:53

about how you learned about sex,

15:57

right? And what messages you

15:57

received about.

16:02

Right, depending on your

16:02

background, did you receive

16:06

information about particularly

16:06

around like, these stereotypical

16:10

gender? You know, messages

16:10

around what good girls are? Or

16:14

what men what a man is? And what

16:14

a man does?

16:19

And you share? I don't know, if

16:19

you've, when you can't, when you

16:23

counsel couples, yeah, you

16:23

probably get into a lot of that

16:26

type of information. Right? I

16:26

think there's definitely like

16:29

these stereotypical messages

16:29

that people receive about what

16:33

it means to be your gender and

16:33

how that impacts us as, as

16:38

sexual beings. And one of the

16:38

things I also get really curious

16:41

about with, with people, when I work with them,

16:44

and couples, when I work with

16:46

them is the messages that they

16:46

actually got around relaxation,

16:50

or self care, or doing things

16:50

that are fun, just for you that

16:56

aren't work related. You know,

16:56

the Western culture is very

17:00

seeped in, like, Do do do get

17:00

things done productivity, go to

17:04

two, yes, exactly. And really

17:04

exploring, like, Did you see

17:10

your parents relax or take care

17:10

of themselves? I mean, most

17:14

people aren't going to see their

17:14

parents in an erotic experience.

17:17

But did you? Did you observe

17:17

them in a space where they

17:21

could, and let go, and that

17:21

oftentimes, I found the clients

17:26

who, whose parents were really

17:26

in that space of self care. And,

17:31

and when I mean, self care, I

17:31

mean, doing things that allow

17:35

them to just relax that aren't

17:35

productivity based, right. And

17:40

that actually has an incredibly

17:40

interesting impact on how people

17:44

think about sexuality. The

17:44

people who grew up, you know,

17:49

I don't know why. But I've worked with a lot of people who came from farms, this is maybe a

17:51

little odd. But there's this,

17:55

you wake up early in the

17:55

morning, you don't take a day

17:57

off, you go out rain or shine,

17:57

and you'd get it done. And they

18:00

can sometimes bring that energy

18:00

into the bedroom of like, we

18:03

just got to get this done, we

18:03

just got to figure it out. It's

18:05

like we could time it. And it's

18:05

to happen. And there's this,

18:09

there's this becomes a lack of

18:09

curiosity, not for everyone who

18:12

has worked on a farm or lived on

18:12

a farm, of course, but there can

18:16

be this energy that carries

18:16

forward based on what was

18:19

happening in the family that

18:19

just gets put into our sexual

18:23

worlds. Because everything that

18:23

we're doing is impacting who we

18:26

are sexual beings is not a

18:26

separate thing. It's not just

18:30

like, suddenly you leave

18:30

yourself and move towards the

18:32

erotic space. We are always in

18:32

our erotic space, and is always

18:36

being impacted. And I think

18:36

those things are also just as

18:41

important as looking at the

18:41

other pieces that we're talking

18:43

about, like those messages that

18:43

that we're getting, or the roles

18:47

that each parent played in the

18:47

relationship is always a really

18:51

interesting one, too. Right?

18:51

Well, I thought you were gonna

18:53

say, have we observed our

18:53

parents, not that we, you know,

18:56

most of us, as you said, don't

18:56

observe our parents in any true

19:00

erotic way. But even just

19:00

observing them being

19:04

affectionate, right, you know,

19:04

kind of, I thought you were

19:07

gonna say that, but you took

19:07

that even to self care, which I

19:10

think is interesting, even just

19:10

relaxing. Right? Right. I have

19:14

thought about that as something

19:14

that would impact you sexually

19:18

as as an adult and that kind of

19:18

almost subconscious message,

19:23

right? You're getting about how

19:23

to treat yourself and and what

19:28

to do kind of with your time. So

19:28

that's that's an interesting

19:32

point. Well, it is also really

19:32

interesting, too. I think when

19:36

you ask people if they ever

19:36

witnessed their parents, you

19:39

know, being intimate in front of

19:39

them if they ever saw a question

19:45

that, again, is more of a trauma. Hearing is often a violation of

19:50

that person's experience. And

19:54

that could be a trauma but more

19:54

of a sweet gesture like, like a

19:59

gentle kiss. or a Shoulder Touch that maybe

20:00

the parents didn't see the child

20:03

was there. And they did. But it

20:03

was still in an appropriate

20:06

context. So that they felt like,

20:06

oh, yeah, my parents have this

20:11

secret special life that they

20:11

share together, there's an

20:14

energy that happens when a

20:14

partner reaches out to another

20:17

in a loving gesture like that.

20:17

And that can also have that can

20:22

have a really big impact of

20:22

like, Oh, I get to have that

20:24

when I'm older. That's what

20:24

adults do versus never seen

20:27

something like that. Right.

20:27

Okay. And when you mentioned,

20:31

you know, the kind of the trauma

20:31

around seat, the walk in or the

20:36

hearing, can you speak to that a little

20:38

bit, and kind of how you see

20:40

that impacting people as adults?

20:40

Yeah, so not every person who

20:47

overhears or walks in on their

20:47

parent is going to experience

20:53

a trauma around it, it's more

20:53

the context of how it happens.

20:59

You know, if it's happening

20:59

regularly, it can really be

21:03

very, very confusing. The type

21:03

of sex that an adult is gauging

21:08

engaging in is not something

21:08

that a child can understand,

21:12

comprehend, their brains are not

21:12

set up, their bodies are not set

21:16

up. Their, their sexual organs

21:16

go with that very controversial

21:20

again, but they're not not in a

21:20

way that an adult is. And so it

21:25

can feel very confusing,

21:25

alarming, not understanding.

21:33

It's not the end of the world if

21:33

it happens, but it's definitely

21:36

something. If you if you're not able to, at

21:37

that moment, if your parent

21:40

wasn't able to talk to you, or

21:40

if you have children, and that

21:43

has happened, and you you know,

21:43

it is important to try to

21:46

discuss with them a little bit

21:46

what had happened. And, of

21:51

course, mitigate any

21:51

opportunity, get a lock on the

21:55

door, if you can, noise

21:55

machines, because

22:00

the other people who I've worked

22:00

with her that's been an ongoing

22:03

experience, it's there's just

22:03

this violate, they feel this,

22:06

what has been reported, what

22:06

they share is it just feels like

22:09

this violation upon them. Like

22:09

there's something being foisted

22:12

upon them that they didn't ask

22:12

for didn't consent to, they

22:17

don't understand what's

22:17

happening, they don't feel taken

22:19

care of going back to the issue

22:19

of past partner, so if you

22:24

imagine your sexuality as an

22:24

adult, you know, you've been

22:28

this child who has been raised

22:28

with certain messages, certain

22:31

experiences. Now, if you have

22:31

assuming you are a sexually

22:36

active or worse sexually active

22:36

person before you met your

22:39

partner, because not everyone

22:39

is, but assuming you are, then

22:43

you've had these past sexual

22:43

experiences with other partners.

22:47

And you spoke to that a little

22:47

bit earlier. But I think we

22:51

should talk about that a little

22:51

bit more, because it is

22:54

important and it is relevant to

22:54

your current relationship.

22:58

Absolutely. That's something to

22:58

reflect on, I think, and to talk

23:03

about, but maybe you can speak

23:03

to it is something to talk about

23:07

carefully. And maybe not at

23:07

least for for a lot of people.

23:12

Right, right? To talk about

23:12

carefully. And so how would you

23:15

kind of suggest that couples

23:15

have those conversations around

23:19

kind of past partners? I think the first thing to do

23:22

when in the conversation would

23:25

be to gauge everyone's level of

23:25

comfort. Right? So we say,

23:32

you know, we're going to have

23:32

this conversation around our

23:34

sexual histories. We know we've

23:34

both been erotic with other

23:38

people. Like are you know, one

23:38

to 1010 is like I'm comfortable.

23:42

Tell me anything like a friend.

23:42

One is like I barely even want

23:46

to have this conversation Lala

23:46

listening. I've never heard that

23:49

that's not true. You're a virgin

23:49

when I met you.

23:53

You know, so as you can sort of

23:53

gauge people's level of comfort

23:56

and I think that's going to

23:56

impact how you share if someone

23:59

is just like I I'm curious to

23:59

know anything I know you love

24:03

me. I know you had a past. I'm, I feel confident, secure

24:05

and are couple and I I trust

24:11

you, then it's sort of like you

24:11

just start sharing and the

24:15

places that we would want to

24:15

focus on more even and in

24:19

general would be things that

24:19

were really pleasurable, that

24:24

you liked that you enjoyed

24:24

things that turned you on that

24:27

maybe you still think about now

24:27

or that surprised you. That felt

24:31

really good. That's always an

24:31

interesting one. Like what

24:34

surprised you that you were

24:34

like, well, I didn't know I like

24:36

that. And that could be anything from

24:37

specific touches to like, the

24:43

way the erotic experience was

24:43

laid out, like, first we boarded

24:49

an airplane and then we went

24:49

here and then this happened, you

24:51

know, can be a whole experience

24:51

or it could just be one

24:55

particular way of touching or

24:55

some particular sexual

24:59

experience and And then the other piece that's

25:00

really important is things that

25:02

you found that you don't like,

25:02

actually things that you're

25:05

like, Ooh, that was not my

25:05

thing. And

25:09

this is why and you know, what's

25:09

true about humans is our

25:14

sexuality is evolving, it's not

25:14

going to be the same. So the

25:17

woman or the person that you

25:17

were having sex 10 years ago

25:20

with somebody, there, you cannot

25:20

revisit that body, your body is

25:24

now different, and the things

25:24

that are pleasurable and turn

25:26

you on that you desire will be

25:26

different. And there is also

25:31

information that we can normally

25:31

gather and bring with us. Well,

25:36

it almost seems like unless your

25:36

partner says, I'm a 10, you can

25:41

tell me anything, that telling

25:41

them the bad things would be

25:47

easier, and maybe telling them

25:47

or not easier for you easier for

25:52

them, it might be more difficult

25:52

for you.

25:56

But important, very important,

25:56

because they don't know the

26:00

negative, they don't know the

26:00

negative things you experienced,

26:03

they may do something that

26:03

affects you in a visceral way.

26:08

And they have no idea. So right,

26:08

it's sort of a, it's sort of

26:13

like a there's a there's many facets to

26:16

the conversation around past

26:20

relationships. There's a

26:20

building of closeness, knowing

26:23

someone has someone's history,

26:23

their memories,

26:27

the intimacy that happens when

26:27

we share vulnerable information.

26:31

And then there's also just this

26:31

superhighway of like, Oh, my

26:34

partner doesn't like that. So

26:34

I'm probably not going to try it

26:37

again. Or if I do, I'm going to

26:37

ask, and we can revisit it. But

26:41

it's like you don't have to

26:41

stumble over that block that

26:43

someone's already stumbled over.

26:43

Right? You can just kind of skip

26:47

it move forward, it is possible

26:47

to share information. For

26:51

instance, I don't know that I

26:51

would want to hear, hey, this is

26:55

what some other woman did to me

26:55

that I like, can you do that? I

26:59

don't necessarily know that I

26:59

want to hear that specifically,

27:02

but to say like, I like this

27:02

act, or I like this touch or,

27:07

you know, you don't necessarily

27:07

have to say, well, it was this

27:11

person. You remember I told you

27:11

remember that woman we ran into

27:14

at the grocery store? Yeah, she

27:14

did this to me, and I liked it,

27:17

you know, leave those details

27:17

out. You know, it's tricky,

27:21

because people who are, who are

27:21

ones on the Comfort Scale have

27:26

often very elaborate brain paths

27:26

when this happens. So if you say

27:32

I like this, there can already

27:32

sometimes be on the journey of

27:36

like, Who did that to you and

27:36

who was happening. And they can

27:39

go into this whole elaborate

27:39

fantasy in their head or, or, or

27:44

nightmare. So, you know, it's interesting

27:46

that the delicate path of

27:48

walking, how much information

27:48

you share and not share. And

27:52

that's where the communication

27:52

about the communication becomes

27:55

important. Right? It's like when

27:55

you said it that way, it didn't

27:58

feel good. Can we try another

27:58

way to find to communicate about

28:02

this for us as a couple that

28:02

fits what we need at this time.

28:06

And I'm imagining, as you hear

28:06

about something your husband

28:11

did, you know, over time, you

28:11

would actually probably grow

28:15

more comfortable. And

28:19

the first time it would probably

28:19

be alarming, but I'm imagining

28:23

over time. Trusting that he's going to

28:26

share with you the things that

28:29

he knows you need to know about

28:29

his history would actually allow

28:33

you to build more trust within

28:33

your couple with him. Right, I

28:36

can see that the only thing I

28:36

think would be difficult is if

28:40

it was something that I had to

28:40

feel like I had to live up to,

28:45

like, Oh, can I do this as well?

28:45

Right? Yes, right. Right. Yes.

28:50

Where it would be hard to hear

28:50

that information. Right in the

28:57

attribute, any attributing it to

28:57

a specific person from the past,

29:01

I can see where I can see a lot

29:01

of couples struggling with that.

29:04

And that's actually not what's

29:04

really important. What's not

29:07

important is who was the person

29:07

who did these things with

29:11

necessarily what you learned

29:11

about yourself in those erotic

29:14

experiences, what your takeaway

29:14

was? And I think what's tricky,

29:18

and you're leading to a really

29:18

interesting point, which is such

29:21

a major place that people get

29:21

stuck with sex is the

29:24

comparison. Right? Am I good

29:24

enough? Am I as good as her? Or

29:30

him? You know, are we getting it

29:30

right as a couple are other

29:33

people doing it better and that

29:33

is such a mess to get stuck in

29:38

in. It's really something good

29:38

to catch yourself and when

29:40

you're in comparing mind. Well,

29:40

I definitely want to talk about

29:43

that more in our next episode,

29:43

because I want to talk about

29:47

that as it relates to

29:47

pornography. So let's let's hold

29:51

hold that one. Okay, great. A

29:51

little teaser. Yeah, a little

29:54

bit. Here

30:00

A just a quick break in this

30:00

interview to let you know about

30:03

one of the free resources

30:03

available at practically Mary

30:06

dotnet. Download our 10 Questions

30:08

checklist. So you and your

30:11

partner can answer questions

30:11

from each of the 10 practically

30:14

Mary's subjects, including

30:14

money, sex, in laws and more.

30:19

After you answer all the

30:19

questions, send me a DM and gay

30:23

practically married. And let me

30:23

know how it went. Okay, back to

30:27

our conversation. So we talked about the past in

30:31

terms of your, you know, kind of

30:35

growing up what messages you've

30:35

had, and then paths partners. So

30:39

now I want to kind of move into

30:39

the present with your partner.

30:44

And I think that what people may

30:44

be a step that people forget is

30:49

they go right into their

30:49

relationship as a couple, and

30:52

don't think about their

30:52

sexuality individually. First,

30:57

and I know that's something that

30:57

you've talked about and because

30:59

So can you talk a little bit

30:59

about up about how each person

31:04

needs to reflect on their own

31:04

sexuality

31:09

and bring that information and

31:09

that self knowledge to the

31:13

relationship? Right, so I

31:13

normally or or I always think

31:18

about human sexuality as two

31:18

parts. What's much more

31:20

complicated than this is an easy

31:20

way to talk about this. There's

31:23

you as a sexual being who is

31:23

exploring self pleasure by

31:27

yourself, we normally use the

31:27

word masturbation, and then

31:31

there's you as a sexual being in

31:31

relationship with other people.

31:34

And these two sexual erotic

31:34

beings often look different. The

31:38

way you masturbate, what you do

31:38

in private, how you just move

31:42

into your own pleasure will

31:42

often look very different than

31:46

if you have a witness or are

31:46

participating in some experience

31:50

with another person or witness

31:50

makes me laugh.

31:55

There's Yeah, so it's, I think what you're speaking to

31:58

is how do we take what we know

32:02

about ourselves? Or how do we

32:02

allow ourselves to learn about

32:05

our own self pleasure and

32:05

Bridgette, into our partnered

32:09

experience, and, you know, some

32:09

people me for many, many years,

32:15

I didn't have any sort of self

32:15

pleasuring practice, I didn't

32:18

masturbate it and grow up

32:18

masturbating. My first, you

32:21

know, genital experiences were

32:21

with a partner, I ended up

32:25

having to find my orgasm,

32:25

because I am a

32:30

delayed orgasm, or meaning it

32:30

was difficult for me to find my

32:32

orgasm. So went on this whole

32:32

sexual journey, and then I ended

32:36

up finding it alone and had to

32:36

learn how to bring it into a

32:39

partnership. And thank you for

32:39

sharing that. Because, yeah,

32:43

that can't be emphasized enough.

32:43

Right. Right. And I think that

32:48

there, if one is over,

32:48

emphasized, which we can get

32:52

into this with the porn too,

32:52

like, if self pleasure is over

32:55

emphasized and partner

32:55

experiences happening, there

32:58

becomes an imbalance, or if only

32:58

partner experiences happening,

33:02

and there's no exploration of

33:02

self pleasuring, that can also

33:06

be an imbalance. And of course,

33:06

in the longevity of a long

33:09

couple different things are

33:09

going to take over, given what's

33:12

happening with people's health,

33:12

or things going on in their

33:15

life. At some point, those

33:15

aren't going to feel necessarily

33:18

in balance, but we want to be

33:18

mindful about them. And so, you

33:23

know, I always I actually hold

33:23

this belief that

33:26

once we get past the new

33:26

relationship energy, which is

33:29

Inari, couples talk about that,

33:29

in a when you meet your partner,

33:34

there's so much excitement

33:34

happening, there's so many

33:36

hormones, there's so many

33:36

fantasies, so many ideas, and

33:39

you're just ecstatic to be with

33:39

that person no matter what they

33:42

do. But as you get to know them

33:42

more, and the NRA wears off, our

33:45

real sexuality comes forward,

33:45

not just this hyped up animated,

33:50

won't do anything. And that's

33:50

actually where the real

33:54

relationship begins as well. And

33:54

that is where the importance of

33:57

knowing your body, staying

33:57

connected with your body and

34:00

being being able to bring that

34:00

forward. And sharing becomes

34:04

really, really important. Right.

34:04

And, specifically, I think one

34:09

of the things that's really

34:09

important in the present moment

34:12

of the couple is how do we share

34:12

feedback around things that

34:17

excite us or things that aren't

34:17

quite right. And I think there's

34:22

many ways to share the positive

34:22

feedback, you can do that in the

34:26

moment. And more importantly,

34:26

even if you do it in the

34:29

morning, that moment, you know,

34:29

I often will have couples start

34:32

or will start our sessions if

34:32

things are going well in their

34:35

relationship with them. Taking a

34:35

moment to go back and forth and

34:39

say what they have enjoyed about

34:39

their erotic experiences. And

34:43

it's surprising because I work

34:43

with so many people and they

34:46

know we're going to do that. And

34:46

I'm like, Have you guys talked

34:48

about it? Since you know, the

34:48

last week since I saw you, you

34:51

had this amazing experience is

34:51

totally new. You're feeling

34:53

connected? Now? Like no, we

34:53

didn't talk about it.

34:56

Okay, well, I mean, we're gonna talk about it here, which is great. And it's like

35:00

I'm always trying to get people

35:00

if things are going well, if you

35:03

have a sexy experience with your

35:03

partner, tell them, tell them

35:06

that evening, tell them the next

35:06

day, tell him in a text a week

35:09

later hamstra Thinking about

35:09

that thing, it is incredibly

35:13

important to continue to bolster

35:13

the confidence of the sexual

35:18

couple when things are going

35:18

well, because

35:22

we can get caught up in

35:22

endlessly about things that

35:24

aren't going well, or you know,

35:24

life is long. And there's so

35:27

many parts and pieces and being

35:27

married is complicated. And so

35:31

the more we can really highlight

35:31

and emphasize when things are

35:36

pleasurable, and gray is, I

35:36

think, is a really, really

35:39

important part of the longevity

35:39

of a sexual couple. Yeah, and

35:42

it's a way to extend the

35:42

experience, right? Because

35:44

almost no matter how good it is,

35:44

or was it lasts for a finite

35:50

period of time, and then a way

35:50

to extend that is to revisit it,

35:55

like you said in a conversation

35:55

and a text. That might be a

35:59

pleasant text to write, that might that'd be a

36:01

pleasant text to receive. If

36:04

you're having a bad day at work

36:04

and get that text, it might give

36:07

you a little smile, right? And

36:07

it also gives people confidence,

36:11

like, oh, I, you know, my

36:11

partner's thinking about me, and

36:14

they thought I was sexy. And we

36:14

have that special thing

36:16

together. It's a real confidence

36:16

boost for a lot of people.

36:20

Right? Well, I think you know,

36:20

that kind of moves us into

36:24

talking more about the your

36:24

experience as a couple going

36:29

just to kind of put a put a no, say put a pin in it.

36:31

But go back to that and that

36:35

aspect of knowing your own

36:35

sexuality. And just making sure

36:39

that you have an understanding

36:39

of what turns you on of what

36:46

might bring you to orgasm. I

36:46

think it's a very unfair

36:50

expectation to expect that our

36:50

partner should know how to

36:55

please us if we don't know what

36:55

it's pleasing to us. Right. And

36:58

I think we get into a little

36:58

slightly tricky territory there.

37:02

So if anyone's listening to this, I don't want them to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Because

37:04

again, what's true is sometimes

37:06

people just don't know. And so

37:06

they're relying on and I know,

37:10

because I was that person for

37:10

many, many years, I was just

37:14

relying on the other person

37:14

carrying the energy, because I

37:18

wasn't able hadn't taken the

37:18

time felt scared, ashamed,

37:22

embarrassed to really figure it

37:22

out for myself. And I think

37:25

sometimes when people get

37:25

married, they're like, Well, I'm

37:27

married now. So my partner

37:27

should just do it for me, or I

37:31

shouldn't have to do this

37:31

because I'm in my 40s. Or, you

37:35

know, okay, I think we just add

37:35

to it, yes. To the window. Yeah.

37:40

Well, for sure. I'm glad you brought that up.

37:42

Because I didn't say that as a

37:46

criticism. And I know to be

37:46

clear, it's it's just a matter

37:50

of not putting pressure on them or

37:52

not labeling them as someone who

37:56

doesn't satisfy me right. When I

37:56

have, if I haven't communicated

38:01

or explored. What is satisfying.

38:01

That's all I've met. Totally,

38:06

totally. I know, I'm just

38:06

thinking about people who are in

38:08

that dynamic and where they go.

38:08

Right. Right. Right. And I'm

38:11

glad you said that, because a

38:11

lot of people going back to

38:14

those messages from the past, a

38:14

lot of people do get messages

38:17

that about negative messages

38:17

about masturbation, or messages

38:21

that masturbation is something

38:21

you do when you're single, it

38:25

shouldn't be something you do

38:25

when you're in a couple and some

38:28

right couples, some partners

38:28

have issue with that it is

38:32

sometimes they are concerned

38:32

that their partner may believe

38:35

that you're not pleasing me

38:35

enough, you're not satisfying

38:39

needs. So I have this right. And

38:39

we'll get more into that with

38:42

the porn piece too. Because that

38:42

is a big, that's can be a big

38:45

part because porn make primarily

38:45

comes in in the masturbation

38:48

space. So yes, it's a big one.

38:48

And it's really tricky, you

38:52

know, to explore yourself

38:52

pleasure if you have a partner

38:54

who feels like, that's not a

38:54

space that needs to be occupied

39:00

when you're married. And and a

39:00

lot of people do feel that way.

39:02

So I'm happy you're talking about that, because a lot of people are like, unless I was

39:04

telling them to go and explore

39:08

self pleasure. They would not

39:08

and their partner would be like,

39:12

you know, who knows, might might

39:12

happen behind closed doors, but

39:15

I do often times people do share

39:15

like, oh, you know, all of those

39:20

thoughts, like masturbation is

39:20

for single people or it's bad,

39:23

or it's what you do when you

39:23

can't get sex, especially for

39:27

men or good girls don't touch

39:27

themselves down there. Again,

39:31

that's all of that messaging

39:31

history piece. That impacts the

39:35

couple in that moment, day to

39:35

day, how are they exploring? How

39:39

are they sharing? How are they finding pleasure? All right. Well, I I'm thinking

39:42

about that in terms of a

39:47

homework assignment. Maybe

39:47

we'll, we'll come to some some

39:51

suggestions for couples because

39:51

what I like to do is have people

39:56

leave this conversation, having

39:56

some conch

40:00

three specific things that they

40:00

can try together. So let's,

40:04

let's put that. Let's put that

40:04

on the list exploring that.

40:07

Let's say you have some things

40:07

maybe that you want to work on.

40:14

How would you recommend couples

40:14

kind of broach? Yes, subject? It

40:19

depends on how big the

40:19

correction is. If your body is

40:24

shutting down and saying no, no,

40:24

no, no, no, absolutely. In the

40:28

moment, we know Yes, yes, yeah,

40:28

yes. And in some regards, if

40:33

we're on that level of body

40:33

shutting down, it doesn't matter

40:36

how you get it out, you just

40:36

say, No, we need to stop. I

40:40

think it's great that you

40:40

pointed out very important to

40:43

point out that if something

40:43

starts to feel like a violation,

40:46

or if you feel yourself shutting

40:46

down, that in a relationship in

40:51

a marriage with a trusted

40:51

partner, it is still, you know,

40:55

your body and your place to say,

40:55

we need to stop. Right, right?

41:01

Absolutely. Absolutely. At any

41:01

point, for any reason, no matter

41:05

what, even if you don't know why

41:05

you're saying it, it's an

41:08

important thing. And sometimes

41:08

in those moments that can take

41:11

some time to figure out why.

41:11

Right.

41:15

And but that being said, it is

41:15

important in those moments.

41:20

In a, we don't want to blame

41:20

your partner. And that can be

41:24

really, really tricky, because

41:24

we're talking generalizations,

41:28

and each couple is really

41:28

different. But even if your

41:31

partner is if you're wanting to

41:31

make a correction, about

41:35

something that they're giving to you performing on your

41:38

body engaging with and you're

41:41

just like, Oh, we don't really

41:41

like that. We don't want to make

41:44

it like your partner's bad or

41:44

wrong. Because what happens is

41:47

robs people have their

41:47

curiosity, and they start to

41:51

feel watched. And some people

41:51

are very, very, very sensitive

41:55

to criticism or feedback. So it

41:55

has to be really gently given, I

42:00

often talk about it in if you're

42:00

going to do it in the moment, or

42:03

even after, I guess is like

42:03

sandwiching most people know

42:06

that from work, like sandwiching

42:06

the feedback. So I really love

42:09

this, this isn't feeling so for

42:09

in the moment, it's like, um, I

42:13

was loving the way you kissed my

42:13

neck when you came to my mouth.

42:18

Something wasn't feeling quite

42:18

right, I wonder if you could go

42:20

back and kiss my neck again. So

42:20

that would be a correction of my

42:24

partner is sticking his tongue

42:24

down my throat and I didn't like

42:26

it, which does happen with my, my husband. You know, I think I really want

42:30

to normalize what it means to

42:33

make corrections or to give

42:33

feedback because my husband and

42:38

I, we've been together, things

42:38

get all blurry with COVID. But

42:41

like, around five years. And you

42:41

know, in terms of our sexual

42:46

relationship, there's a lot of

42:46

amazing things about our sex

42:49

life, I mean, a sex coach, so I

42:49

wouldn't, you know, marry

42:52

someone unless the sex was

42:52

pretty great. high priority for

42:55

me in terms of priority, right.

42:55

And, you know, and there are

43:01

still things that we're making

43:01

improvements on that I sort of

43:04

knew from, like day one or two

43:04

of our sex life, that these were

43:08

going to be things that we

43:08

needed to work on. And that's

43:11

mainly his touch, like how he

43:11

touches me, I like very light,

43:16

sensual, energetic touches. And

43:16

it's taken him a very long, long

43:21

time to learn how to do that.

43:21

And there are moments where I

43:25

was mad and gonna give up and,

43:25

you know, and we're still

43:28

working through it, and it feels

43:28

like most of the time, it's

43:31

great, but you know, he

43:31

definitely has to get into a

43:34

state of mind to be able to

43:34

offer that type of touch because

43:36

it just does not come naturally

43:36

to him at all. And so I want to

43:42

say that as like your things

43:42

don't have to be this fairy tale

43:46

perfect, everything start to

43:46

finish feels amazing and great,

43:49

and you're just lost in the

43:49

moment and that may be the case

43:52

for for people out there which

43:52

is wonderful. And for most

43:57

people their erotic experience,

43:57

there's lots of great things and

44:00

there's some things that you

44:00

would like to be slightly

44:03

improved. So just really

44:03

normalizing that it's not the

44:06

end of the world again, your

44:06

couple isn't destitute for you

44:09

know, never having great sex. It

44:09

just gives you something to work

44:13

on. So that feed Thank you.

44:13

Thank you for sharing that and

44:17

thank you to your husband for

44:20

it's clear that you know you

44:20

have his consent to talk about

44:25

this and so thank you to him for

44:25

being willing to again be

44:29

vulnerable and and have that

44:29

share because I think it's

44:33

helpful for you to say that and for

44:35

people to understand because

44:38

there's gonna be people

44:38

situation. Right well, and I

44:41

just know, buddy, again, as are

44:41

generalizations but

44:47

maybe you have one evening where

44:47

everything feels perfect, but

44:51

there will in the longevity of a

44:51

long term sexual connection.

44:55

There are always going to be

44:55

things that need correct course

44:58

corrections, no one just gets it always right to the

45:00

other person all of the time. So

45:03

I think the person listening,

45:03

when you're listening here, and

45:06

you're thinking, Oh, my partner

45:06

is going to give me feedback, we

45:09

cannot hear it as criticism or

45:09

as like a guide way to the next

45:14

place that we're going to head

45:14

so you can learn more about that

45:16

person's body. And also, if we

45:16

hold this place of our bodies

45:20

are always changing, right? So

45:20

what we liked last week, or last

45:24

year or three years ago, it's,

45:24

um, you know, it's not likely

45:29

that it's going to be exactly

45:29

the same. And that's where that

45:32

curiosity comes from. And that's

45:32

why we want to be gentle in our

45:36

feedback with people so that

45:36

they don't lose that sense of

45:39

trying new things. Because we

45:39

really, you really need that

45:44

curiosity to keep a sex life

45:44

going throughout time. Right?

45:49

Well, can you speak to you

45:49

sitting you gave a great example

45:52

of in the moment, right? I like

45:52

it when you were kissing my

45:55

neck. And right now that

45:55

example, can you give an

45:58

example? Where it's not in the

45:58

moment, but there's may be some

46:02

other issue and how to broach

46:02

that? Right? So I think you can

46:07

still sandwich it after if you

46:07

need to, if you feel like you

46:10

have a partner who's a little

46:10

sensitive about feedback, you

46:13

could say like, you know, yes,

46:13

if it's say, Yes, I agree. And I

46:19

would say, Let's not do this,

46:19

right after, let's be at least

46:24

like two hours from the moment. Let's just say that, in general,

46:27

do not broach this topic within

46:30

two hours. But it could be like,

46:30

hey, I want to talk about the

46:33

sex that we had. You know, I really loved how you

46:35

were sucking on my fingers. But

46:43

you know, I want to talk to you

46:43

about how we're doing oral sex,

46:47

something isn't feeling quite

46:47

right for me, are you open to

46:50

talking about it? If you're

46:50

gonna bring it into? Or you can

46:55

add that piece? Are you open to

46:55

talking about it before, if

46:57

you're gonna bring a bigger

46:57

topic that's going to need

47:00

something like, the way we're

47:00

doing oral sex, or the way

47:04

you're undressing me or the way

47:04

you're spanking me, or how you

47:08

move me into different

47:08

positions, or how you pull my

47:12

hair, or, you know, if it's

47:12

going to be a bigger piece, not

47:16

just like a little mini

47:16

correction. I often say ask for

47:21

permission, either telling the

47:21

person what you want to talk

47:23

about and ask for permission to

47:23

talk about it or say, hey, I

47:25

want to talk about our sex life

47:25

is, you know, is now a good

47:29

time, or should we talk about it

47:29

a little bit later, just to give

47:32

people some space, because if we

47:32

go back to the history piece,

47:35

which is why it's so important

47:35

to know someone's history. And

47:38

sex is a really scary topic for

47:38

them. Like I've had people that

47:42

I've worked with, and they'll

47:42

just they show up in my office,

47:45

and they just for the first two

47:45

or three years, they're like, I

47:47

hate coming in here. I wish I

47:47

didn't have to, I don't want to

47:50

talk about sex. This is

47:50

terrible. You know, so if

47:53

you're, if your partner is one

47:53

of those people, and suddenly

47:57

you're trying to get them to

47:57

talk about it willy nilly on the

48:00

fly before bed, right? Not gonna

48:00

go well, it's just not and

48:04

you're going to be really disappointed. And you're going to continue to be disappointed.

48:06

So that's where that history

48:09

piece of how is sex talked about

48:09

or not talked about? How are

48:11

people holding it, their level

48:11

of comfort becomes so important

48:15

to know how to approach your partner. And knowing in the communication

48:19

that you don't have to these are

48:24

all ongoing conversations right

48:24

there. There's no, it doesn't

48:29

have to be resolved that day,

48:29

right? Especially something as

48:34

complex as oral sex like that is

48:34

a whole complex thing that will

48:38

take potentially years to sort

48:38

through and figure out and to

48:41

start having conversations

48:41

around. If it's just like, I

48:46

don't like when you spank my ass

48:46

like that. That could be a one

48:50

time potentially one time

48:50

conversation depending on your

48:53

couple. So Right. Okay. Well, I

48:53

would like to, as I said, Leave

48:58

couples with a few very specific

48:58

and very, like, easily

49:04

implemented. Kind of, I'll say homework

49:06

assignments, because you know,

49:08

to hear my kids tell it homework

49:08

is terrible. And I guess I you

49:12

know, remember that, but some

49:12

some suggested activities for

49:16

them. What would you suggest?

49:20

Yeah, so I think we're, I think we hold this as

49:23

homework but loosely throughout

49:28

your life, okay. Like to explore

49:28

without pressure, but to just be

49:35

curious and to lean into. You

49:35

know, I think

49:39

I think a really interesting

49:39

place to start, if you've never

49:42

started these conversations

49:42

before is to just be asking your

49:46

partner how important is sex to

49:46

you? How important is our erotic

49:52

life to you? And what does our

49:52

erotic life mean? Like what is

49:59

what is So, when you think about it,

50:00

like, how do you think of it?

50:05

And I think it's okay for these

50:05

questions to be open ended

50:09

again, because they're ongoing

50:09

conversations, but it just sort

50:12

of dipped your toe in the water

50:12

of this level of,

50:17

can we talk about it? How do we

50:17

talk about it? Do we give it

50:20

space? And to really watch

50:20

yourself? If you bring this up?

50:24

You know, how do you re relate

50:24

to it as your partner shares?

50:28

And to watch how long does it

50:28

take for your partner to come

50:30

back? And do you have to bug

50:30

them to talk about it? I mean,

50:33

there's a lot of really

50:33

interesting information that can

50:35

come in that. So how, how

50:35

important is our sex life?

50:41

Right. Okay. How important is

50:41

our sex life? Okay, I want a

50:44

great one. Okay. All right. What

50:44

else? And and what is our sex

50:48

life mean to you? And what does

50:48

it mean? Okay, okay. Okay. And

50:53

then if we're gonna go into the

50:53

talking space, I think asking

50:56

those questions around history,

50:56

right. How what, what were some

51:00

of the messages? I think a

51:00

simple question would be, what

51:04

are some of the messages that

51:04

you feel you received about sex?

51:08

As you were growing up? Okay.

51:08

Early some of the earliest

51:11

messages? Yes. And that could be

51:11

family, that could be siblings,

51:16

family, siblings, parents, or

51:16

that could be your peers?

51:20

Society? Yep. Because that's

51:20

where a lot of information comes

51:24

from, unfortunately, a lot of

51:24

wrong a lot of information.

51:28

Right. Right. Unfortunately,

51:28

children fill in the gaps where

51:33

they don't have answers. So

51:33

yeah, that's, that's an

51:36

interesting one. Also, I think,

51:36

you know, if you're feeling

51:40

brave, or things are feeling

51:40

good asking about sexual

51:42

histories, hey, I want to have a

51:42

conversation about our sexual

51:45

histories, things we know we

51:45

like and don't like or have

51:48

explored. think that's a really

51:48

important place to get to know

51:52

your partner and to understand

51:52

about them. Okay, so that's

51:56

three good ones. And then I'm

51:56

going to even bring back your

52:00

visual exercise on what is next.

52:07

And so you put if you drew a big

52:07

circle, let's make a big circle.

52:12

Big circle. Okay. And then you put a stop. Okay,

52:17

that in the middle, and that's

52:22

all interests. Okay. So if

52:22

you're,

52:26

if your straight couple best

52:26

intercourse? What if you're not

52:30

a straight couple? I think you could decide what

52:32

you want to put there as that go

52:36

to thing that because what is

52:36

intercourse is the thing that

52:40

heterosexual couples go to to

52:40

say, we did write race. So it

52:47

would be in your couple, what do

52:47

you go to that says we did it

52:51

and that would adopt? Actually

52:51

don't put it in the middle

52:54

because I normally I guess I'm

52:54

I'm normally doing this in my

52:56

session. I normally put it not

52:56

in the center.

53:02

Kind of Yeah. The center of it.

53:02

Right, right. Right. Okay.

53:05

Great. I'm glad you pointed. You

53:05

pointed that out.

53:10

I'm glad you mentioned that. So

53:10

that's another one, especially

53:14

if you are more visually

53:14

oriented, right? Maybe he was

53:18

failing, you would just put dots

53:18

and add other things hugging dot

53:23

bass together, you know.ms

53:23

Central massage, eight, right,

53:27

we would just start to fail in

53:27

other things that happen in that

53:31

circle that are essential

53:31

sexuality, eroticism based.

53:36

Okay. Well, that's great. I

53:36

think we have given people some

53:40

good work to do. And they need

53:40

to do it all this week before we

53:44

talk next week. No, I'm kidding.

53:44

Like you said, no, no, no. Your

53:48

eyes got big. Oh, I said a

53:48

lifetime. These are ongoing

53:53

conversations. The only thing

53:53

that I might ask is that if, if

53:58

in the next week, you could

53:58

start to broach the

54:02

conversation. Just because I

54:02

think some people because it can

54:06

be hard to do. And there's an

54:06

expression something that

54:09

doesn't have to happen at

54:09

anytime. I can't remember

54:12

exactly how it goes. But if it

54:12

doesn't, right, basically, it

54:15

never happens. Right? Yeah. So

54:15

it so I would maybe the I would

54:19

invite couples. And because

54:19

everyone likes to be invited.

54:23

That doesn't mean you have to

54:23

accept the invitation. But it's

54:25

nice to be invited. I would

54:25

invite couples, or a partner who

54:29

is listening. To try one of these things, at

54:31

least try to initiate one of

54:35

these conversations in the next

54:35

week. If in fact, this is

54:39

something that you struggle with

54:39

use this as your, in fact use

54:43

this as your scapegoat. You can

54:43

say I was listening to this

54:45

podcast and they say we have to

54:45

do this. So I think even better

54:49

if you're the type of person

54:49

where this is really difficult.

54:53

Just then this recording with a

54:53

heart emoji.

54:58

Right, exactly. that'll be aggressive and then

55:00

your partner, hopefully we'll

55:02

open it up and that will force a

55:02

conversation upon you.

55:08

That's great. Thank you, Kelly so much. I'm

55:10

glad that we kind of laid the

55:14

groundwork in this conversation.

55:14

And I'm so glad you're gonna

55:17

come back again. And we're gonna

55:17

talk about some of these other

55:20

issues. We'll talk about

55:20

monogamy and non monogamy. Talk

55:25

about some sexual fantasies,

55:25

different desires. We're going

55:28

to talk about pornography, as

55:28

we've mentioned, and you're not

55:33

also like us to talk to and you

55:33

mentioned it earlier. Different

55:37

levels of desire. So I think

55:37

that's a big one. Yep. Yep.

55:42

Okay, great. Wonderful. Usually

55:42

Rankin, thanks for being with

55:45

us. Okay, we'll see you next week. To learn more about Kelly's

55:57

work, visit Kili rankin.com.

56:02

That's keleyrankin.com. You can

56:02

also follow her on Instagram and

56:11

Facebook at Keely Rankin sex

56:11

coach. Check the show notes for

56:16

all this information. Thanks for joining us this week.

56:29

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56:32

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57:04

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57:04

one.