0:15

Pushkin.

0:21

Hello, Hello, Revisionist History listeners, malcome

0:24

here today we have a special

0:26

guest in the house, Rachel Botsman. Rachel

0:29

is a lecturer at Oxford University

0:31

and a world renowned expert on the topic

0:34

of trust, and importantly, not

0:36

most importantly, but importantly, she's the

0:38

author of a new Pushkin audiobook,

0:40

How to Trust and Be Trusted. After

0:43

more than fifteen years teaching trust to CEOs,

0:46

entrepreneurs, world leaders, and all kinds

0:49

of students, she's now sharing these

0:51

powerful lessons with you in

0:53

her new audiobook. You're

0:55

going to get a chance to hear one of her lessons

0:57

from that audiobook in just a moment. But

0:59

first I want to speak with a woman herself,

1:02

Rachel Botsman, Welcome.

1:04

To Revisionist History. Tell me a little

1:06

bit.

1:06

About your interest in trust.

1:09

How did you come to this subject.

1:11

It's a funny subject to study because

1:13

it's really intangible trust.

1:16

But it came from a fascination

1:19

in human connection. So

1:21

I've always been interested in why

1:24

we're attracted to some people and

1:26

we repel from others. I've

1:28

always been interested in what holds groups

1:31

and teams and society together, and

1:35

the force, the social glue is

1:38

trust, And what I realized

1:41

is that in the field

1:43

of trust you sort of have people who study like cells

1:45

and negotiations. So essentially, how do you

1:48

manipulate trust to get something from someone,

1:50

or you have the other end, which is

1:53

like the ester perel end, which is like the therapist.

1:56

Let's repair trust when it breaks down. Now,

1:58

wasn't a lot in between, which I found

2:01

fascinating.

2:02

Yeah, and we you

2:04

were drawn to this because is

2:06

this something we do naturally

2:09

well or something that

2:11

we're bad at.

2:13

It's a good question. We do it.

2:15

Most of us trust naturally.

2:17

It's a very intuitive thing. Most

2:21

of us do it badly because

2:24

we rely on intuition and not

2:26

information, and especially

2:28

in high stakes situations or high risk

2:31

situations, we're not really

2:33

taught how to trust well, how

2:35

to give our trust to the right people and

2:38

products and information, which is

2:40

a big one. And everything

2:42

about our society and technology now is speeding

2:44

up those decisions, so our trust making is getting

2:46

worse, not better.

2:48

What would be some of the

2:51

most common mistakes we make when

2:53

we're trying to kind of make a trust evaluation.

2:57

Well, speed is the enemy of trust, so making

3:00

it too quickly or under pressure is

3:02

a really big one. So most big

3:04

decisions we have to make because we've

3:07

got to hire someone or whatever that

3:09

might be. So that's number one. The

3:11

second is intuition over information.

3:14

So I still believe in trusting your

3:16

gap, but what is the information.

3:20

There's a lot of evidence around

3:23

charisma and confidence of

3:25

awaiting capability, and

3:28

I think we're seeing that play out in sort of leaders

3:30

that are getting elected. So those that seem

3:32

like bold and disruptive versus

3:35

steady and capable and maybe even

3:37

bland that really influences

3:39

trust, they'd be my top three.

3:42

Yeah, I'm reminded of years ago

3:44

I read this study of

3:47

student evaluations of professors and

3:50

how the evaluation a student makes

3:53

after like, you know, five seconds

3:55

is the same as their evaluation they make at the end of the

3:57

term. And they're

3:59

clearly not making a

4:01

reasoned decision about

4:04

whether they you know, whether

4:07

this isn't it, whether this teacher is good, or what they

4:09

should trust this information, or they

4:11

never get beyond the initial question of do

4:13

I like this person? The

4:16

snap judgment, yeah, the snap judgment. Never they

4:18

never transcend the snap judgment.

4:21

And sometimes it's not even like it's does

4:23

this person feel familiar? Like they

4:25

can't even get beyond that. And it's the

4:28

person that feels strange or unfamiliar

4:30

that sometimes we just can't

4:32

or choose not to trust, and that's that's

4:34

a real problem.

4:35

Yeah, you spend a lot of time

4:38

on the question of transparency. You

4:41

talk a little bit about what do we gain from

4:44

adding transparency into these and what do

4:46

you mean by transparency in this context.

4:49

Or what do we lose as well lose? Yes,

4:53

I think it's one of the biggest myths around

4:55

trust that needs blowing up. So well.

4:59

Transparency. I always think of disclosing

5:02

information, right, so disclosing lots of lot

5:04

of information so you understand

5:06

why something is happening, or

5:09

or good transparencies understanding

5:11

the context behind a decision, so

5:13

why did you choose to do that thing? But

5:17

transparency in practice

5:20

and feel like surveillance. So

5:22

if you think about transparency, you're

5:24

trying to get visibility into something.

5:27

You're trying to understand where someone

5:30

is by tracking them maybe on their phones.

5:33

You're trying to understand what they're up to and

5:35

what they're doing. And that is the

5:38

very opposite of trust. So

5:41

the way I define trust is a confident

5:43

relationship with the unknown So

5:45

if you think, Malcolm, of people in

5:47

your life, your professional or your personal life

5:49

that you deeply trust, you

5:52

don't need to know where they are, you don't

5:54

need to know what they're up to. It's that visibility

5:57

is a form of control, and

6:00

that control can be a sign of lack

6:02

of trust. So I think it's I'm

6:04

not saying transparency is completely a bad thing,

6:07

but this idea that you fixed

6:09

trust issues, systemic

6:11

trust issues, trust issues in an organization,

6:15

even in a relationship, by making things transparent.

6:18

It has a backfire effect where

6:20

it might work initially because

6:22

you think, oh, that person's being more open

6:25

or I have more visibility into that situation

6:27

and therefore more control, but over

6:30

time it actually leads to less

6:32

trust.

6:33

But does that you know when you said

6:36

earlier that one

6:38

of the things we need to do is to not

6:40

make decisions quickly and gather more information,

6:43

what's the difference between gathering

6:45

more information and transparency.

6:48

It's a great question. So it

6:50

sounds like semantics, but there's a difference between

6:52

openness and transparency. So if

6:55

I came to you and said, I'd

6:59

really love to know why you chose

7:01

to put me on your podcast, Malcolm and

7:04

you said, sure, I'll share

7:06

that information. That's

7:08

being open. But if equal if you

7:10

said you know what,

7:13

you don't really need to know or I can't really

7:15

explain why. If I really trusted

7:17

you, I wouldn't need to know.

7:20

Oh, I see, yeah, do you.

7:22

What I mean?

7:22

So the problem is with transparency

7:24

is when leaders promise it and then

7:27

an employee goes to them that says, well, I really

7:29

understand what that person's being paid,

7:31

or how the bonus structure works, or

7:34

why you've changed the pricing mechanism or whatever it

7:36

may be, and then the leader goes, hmm,

7:39

I can't tell you that. Well, you promised

7:41

to be transparent. Yeah,

7:44

So there's this difference

7:46

between like being open and

7:48

being visible and promising

7:51

for transparency.

7:53

What are so what if you do

7:55

just put us in the context of leaders

7:58

who are managers trying to create high trust

8:00

teams? What advice do

8:02

you give people who are trying to do

8:04

that.

8:07

Well, the first thing of the some people

8:09

are trying to create high trust teams because

8:12

they're trying to be innovative. They're trying

8:14

to get those teams to be able to tolerate uncertainty.

8:18

So high trust teams and creative

8:21

teams. There's a real correlation there. So

8:24

one of the things actually say is don't mistake

8:27

reducing risk for increasing

8:30

trust. So

8:33

what a lot of teams do is

8:36

they figure out all the bad things that go

8:38

wrong right at the beginning, and it's

8:40

a mindset. It's like, we'll just

8:43

figure out how to mitigate risks before they've

8:45

even happened. And if

8:47

you create those kind of cultures in your teams,

8:50

your trust mindset, your tolerance for uncertainty

8:53

and the unknown actually reduces.

8:56

So one of the really powerful things

8:58

to do is actually go, Okay, how does this

9:00

team expand their capacity

9:02

to be in the unknown and to be in that creative

9:05

space versus how much

9:07

of our culture is actually wired to measuring

9:09

and managing risks. That's a

9:11

really big one. Another

9:15

one that

9:19

I mean, that's harder to do because I don't

9:21

think many organizations think they

9:24

think they're thinking about trust, but they're actually thinking about

9:26

risk. So that shift is quite tricky.

9:29

An easier one that you can put

9:31

into practice tomorrow is to become

9:34

a better expectation setter.

9:37

So so many trust issues

9:39

and I think many managers and leaders

9:41

are really bad at doing this is

9:43

how you set clear expectations

9:47

that allow people to be

9:49

empowered and to sort of live

9:51

and work in the unknown. So it's like, this is what

9:53

I expect of you within this timeframe, within

9:55

these boundaries. Now go play and go and do it. But

9:59

we're often really bad at setting expectations.

10:01

Yeah, so tell

10:04

me. We're about to listen to a

10:07

chapter from your book or an excerpt from your book. Can

10:09

you tee it up first? What are we about to hear?

10:13

You're about to hear the introduction

10:16

or chapter one, which really

10:18

lays the foundations on what

10:20

trust is and how

10:22

it works in our lives. And I

10:25

find it fascinating and also

10:27

a beautiful thing. That trust has more definitions

10:30

than love, so it is the

10:32

most debated sociological

10:34

concept in our lives. And so

10:37

in chapter one, we really dig into

10:39

this understanding of what trust is and

10:42

how it works, and how it influences

10:45

your decisions and decisions and choices

10:48

in ways that you may be aware of or

10:50

may never have thought about before.

10:52

Yeah, wonderful, Rachel.

10:55

This has been really

10:57

fun, and I

10:59

I think I speak for all of my

11:02

listeners when I say that we are looking forward

11:04

to hearing what follows.

11:06

Yeah, I hope it. I really hope it

11:08

change the way people think about trust. That's

11:11

the reason for doing this.

11:12

Yeah, and the name of your book.

11:14

Is it's

11:16

called How to Trust and Be Trusted

11:19

intentionally a two way title because

11:21

trust is something that you give and

11:24

something that you earn, and we

11:26

have to think about both those things in

11:28

our lives.

11:29

Yeah, thank you so much, Rachel.

11:31

Thank you Malcolm.

11:33

How to Trust and Be Trusted by Rachel

11:35

Batsman is available on pushkin,

11:37

dot Fm, Audible, Spotify,

11:40

and anywhere you get audiobooks. Keep

11:43

listening for a preview of the

11:45

audiobook.

11:52

Chapter one, how to give your

11:55

Trust to the right people. Have

11:59

you ever trusted the wrong person?

12:04

In this chapter, I'm going to teach you

12:06

a really important workplace skill,

12:10

how to give your trust to the right

12:13

people, because we can

12:15

all learn how to make better trust

12:17

decisions. I

12:20

know firsthand about bad trust

12:22

decisions because when I was five

12:25

years old, my parents put

12:27

their trust in the wrong person,

12:31

a nanny.

12:46

Hello Dad, alright, I

12:50

called my dad to ask him more about

12:52

it.

12:53

So I'm calling about the nanny.

12:56

Mm hmm, you know which nanny?

12:59

I think I know which nanny is.

13:01

And nanny are called Doris. It's

13:04

hard to ever forget Doris.

13:07

What was your first impression of her? Sure,

13:09

what do you remember when she came into the house.

13:12

She was very unimpressive,

13:17

which is quite a good feature.

13:18

No, pair unimpressive. What

13:21

do you mean by that?

13:22

Well, she was so she was a bland

13:25

person. It was just inconceivable

13:27

that somebody like that could do those sorts of things.

13:30

Oh, yes, bland old Doris

13:33

got up to all sorts of things.

13:36

The nanny my parents trusted to

13:38

take care of me and my brother turned

13:41

out to be very untrustworthy.

13:43

Indeed, she forged

13:45

my dad's signature to get a loan for a

13:47

car, She stole from us

13:50

in the most brazen ways,

13:53

and she was even running a

13:55

drugs ring. Really, deciding

14:00

whom to trust can be pretty

14:02

complicated. Okay,

14:06

so not everyone has put their trust

14:08

in a drug dealing nanny. However,

14:11

we all know how bad it feels to

14:13

make a poor trust decision. But

14:16

I want you to be able to make good

14:18

trust decisions, because being

14:21

able to trust people is a

14:23

positive thing and it will

14:25

make you better at your job. So

14:28

I'm going to tell you why we

14:30

sometimes trust the wrong people

14:33

like Dodgy Doris, and I'll

14:36

teach you how you can fix this

14:38

problem.

14:41

So let's start by unpacking what

14:43

trust actually is. It's

14:46

a word we use a lot in our

14:48

lies. But if I asked you

14:50

to write down one word to describe

14:53

trust, what would it be.

14:58

Maybe you're jotting down confidence,

15:01

faith, or perhaps

15:04

risk. Some people

15:06

think of trust as a state, as

15:09

an outcome, or a feeling,

15:12

but trust is a belief.

15:15

It's your belief about how

15:17

someone will behave or

15:19

how something will turn out.

15:22

To go back to my definition of trust,

15:25

it's a confident relationship

15:27

with the unknown.

15:30

So what does that mean in the workplace? Let

15:33

me give you an example. Trust

15:35

is a belief that when someone is working

15:38

from home and you can't see what they're

15:40

up to, they will behave in a way

15:42

that you expect. They can be

15:44

trusted to be productive and not

15:46

let you down. If you need

15:48

to know exactly what someone is doing

15:51

and are constantly checking in and monitoring

15:53

them and asking them for updates, that's

15:56

not trust, it's

15:59

control. Once

16:02

you see trust as your belief lens,

16:05

it can have a profound impact on

16:07

the way you make decisions and how

16:09

you behave at work. Trusting

16:13

another person is complicated. There's

16:15

a whole host of factors that determine

16:18

when and how trustforms. For

16:20

instance, how long you've known

16:23

them, what is the thing you're trusting

16:25

them with or for, and

16:28

how bad would it really be

16:30

if they let you down. Stamford

16:34

Business School professor Roderick Kramer

16:36

found that eight out of ten executives

16:38

report being burned at

16:40

least once because they trusted

16:43

the wrong person at some point in their

16:45

career. People tend

16:47

to make poor trust decisions because they don't

16:49

understand how trust dynamics really

16:51

work. So let me give you

16:54

a simple framework to help visualize

16:56

how trust happens between two

16:58

people. In

17:04

any relationship, there are two players,

17:07

the trust giver and the trust

17:09

receiver. Let's start

17:12

by focusing on what it means to be the trust

17:14

giver. A trust

17:16

giver is the person that is deciding

17:19

whether to trust someone a boss,

17:21

a colleague, a friend, or, in my

17:24

dad's case, the nanny. As

17:26

the trust giver, we have an important

17:29

choice, do we trust them or

17:31

not. What influences

17:34

our choices and decisions is called

17:36

a trust signal. Trust

17:39

signals are small clues we

17:41

knowing me or unknowingly used

17:43

to decide whether another person should

17:46

be trusted. How

17:48

someone speaks, the questions

17:50

they ask, who they're with, what

17:53

they're wearing, and even how they say hi,

17:56

how are you? These are all

17:58

trust signals. In other words,

18:01

the way we make a trust decision is

18:03

based on pieces of information we

18:05

pick up from another person. The

18:08

tricky thing is we don't always

18:10

look for or interpret trust

18:12

signals in the right way. Some

18:15

trust signals are way louder

18:17

than others because often

18:20

we are knowing need tune into

18:22

the signals that we want to see

18:25

that are familiar to us. Becoming

18:28

aware of the trust signals you're tuning into

18:30

is the first important step in making

18:32

smarter trust decisions. Here's

18:38

a simple exercise to try the

18:41

next time you meet someone for

18:44

the first time, trying

18:46

to stay aware of what you're tuning

18:48

into. Is it their voice,

18:51

their clothes, their demeanor, or

18:53

their posture. Similarly,

18:56

what questions do you ask them

18:58

in the first few minutes. Just

19:01

becoming aware of how you're looking for things

19:03

that are familiar can be powerful. Making

19:07

trust decisions based on familarity

19:09

is a tricky behavior to change

19:12

because our assumptions about whom

19:15

to trust are deeply wired.

19:18

They're often biases that have been

19:20

with us since we were very young.

19:23

When you're about three months old, you

19:26

start trusting people who look like your parents

19:28

more than other people.

19:31

Maria Konnikova is a psychologist

19:33

and author who's written a lot about

19:36

distrust. She's an expert

19:38

in the ways trust is exploited by

19:41

everyone from con artists to poker

19:43

players, and she happens to

19:45

be a champion poker player herself.

19:49

We trust people who seem like us, who

19:51

look like us, who sound like us, much

19:53

more than we do people who don't. That's something

19:56

that con artists, by the way, manipulat all the time

19:58

as well. Oh you know, you're from

20:00

New York. I'm from New York And they might not have

20:02

ever been to New York, but they try to get

20:04

those little superficial similarities so

20:06

that we have a basis for trust.

20:09

There's a fascinating study on the link

20:12

between trust and familiarity.

20:14

The study, done by a professor named

20:17

Lisa D. Bryan from the University

20:19

of Glasgow, showed how facial resemblance

20:22

enhances trust. Participants

20:24

in an experiment were shown faces of strangers

20:27

to be potential playing partners for a

20:29

game. When the face of the

20:31

stranger was similar to the face of the participant,

20:34

they were more likely to trust the

20:37

unknown person. Take

20:41

a moment to think about that. Have

20:45

you ever trusted someone just

20:47

because they felt familiar. Maybe

20:51

they went to the same school as you, like

20:54

the same sports team, or

20:56

maybe, as in the study, they

20:58

even looked a bit like you. Familiar

21:02

trust signals are often the loudest

21:04

because of what's known as confirmation

21:07

and desirability bias. We

21:09

used them to confirm our own

21:11

ideas about how someone or something

21:14

should be, or how we want

21:16

them to be. That's what happened

21:18

with my parents and Doris the nanny.

21:24

She showed up wearing a navy colored

21:27

uniform complete with a bonnet hat.

21:30

She had a mop of curly hair

21:32

and large steel rimmed glasses. She

21:34

even played the tambourine. I'm

21:37

not joking. What a trustworthy

21:39

person she must be. And

21:42

even when some major red flags

21:44

started popping up, my parents let

21:46

the familiar trust signals override

21:48

their better judgment. There

21:51

was the time Doris wanted to get

21:53

away for a weekend, so she said

21:55

her uncle Charlie had died and

21:58

she needed to go to the funeral. My

22:00

dad found out this wasn't true. When

22:02

he called Doris's mom to express his

22:05

condolences, and Doris's mom

22:07

said, but Uncle Charlie is

22:09

just fine. Doris must

22:11

be confused.

22:17

You can't be confused about what I'm gone

22:21

dead. At this point,

22:23

being quite quick to grasp

22:26

things, I thought all was

22:28

not well.

22:28

But you know, even after Uncle Charlie, she

22:30

came with us on a holiday to marlbea well.

22:33

That was very convenient.

22:34

Yes, even

22:37

though we were only five and eight, my

22:40

brother and I could see how Doris

22:42

was well different when my

22:44

parents were around. It was all

22:46

an act, and eventually

22:49

even my dad couldn't ignore what

22:51

he was seeing. At the height

22:53

of suspicion, he did something he'd never

22:55

done before. He searched Doris's

22:58

room. He found a

23:00

bag of money under her bed, quite

23:02

a lot of foreign currency, and

23:05

it happened to be from countries Dad

23:07

had been traveling to for work.

23:12

I did question her, and

23:15

she told me that

23:18

she'd found the money under a tree

23:20

in the park.

23:23

And we still didn't get rid of her.

23:26

No, And when I found more money

23:29

in her room, she said

23:31

she'd gone back to the same.

23:32

Tree, same tree.

23:34

I want to know where this tree is dead, and

23:38

still Doris stayed with us. That

23:41

was until my dad's car went missing

23:43

and he finally kicked her out,

23:46

called the police, and sat guard outside

23:48

our front door with a baseball bat. I

23:53

imagine the Doris saga was

23:55

in part how I first took

23:57

a deep interest in understanding

23:59

trust. Thinking back on

24:02

it, my dad told me the decision

24:04

to trust Doris came down to convenience.

24:07

My parents were busy people with busy

24:09

jobs. It was more convenient

24:12

to keep Doris than to find a different

24:14

solution. It's

24:16

easy to dismiss or laugh at

24:19

my dad's reasoning, but haven't

24:21

we all done that. Not

24:24

hire a dodgy nanny, of course, but

24:26

make a trust decision or continue

24:28

to trust someone based on convenience,

24:32

Like when you tell yourself, I

24:35

know that company isn't entirely ethical,

24:38

they don't treat their employees well, but

24:40

their service it makes my life a

24:42

little easier, so I'll just carry on using

24:44

them. Or perhaps you're

24:47

under pressure to get something done, so

24:49

you conveniently delegate a piece of work

24:52

to a person when you know they

24:54

shouldn't really be doing it. Convenience

24:57

so often Trump's trust. Understanding

25:01

the power convenience has over trust

25:03

has been one of the most important

25:05

things I've learned about being

25:07

a trust giver. Let's

25:10

try another exercise. Think

25:15

of the last time you made a poor

25:18

or very bad trust decision at

25:20

work. Did

25:24

you blame it on the character

25:27

of the other person They

25:30

turned out to be unreliable,

25:33

incompetent, dishonest, or

25:35

you fill in the blank. Someone's

25:40

character plays a

25:42

critical role, but what we often

25:45

overlook is the importance of

25:47

having the right information. As

25:50

the social scientist Diego Gambetta

25:52

puts it, trust has two enemies,

25:55

not one bad character

25:58

and poor information. So

26:02

the next time you find yourself

26:04

making an important trust decision,

26:07

I'd recommend asking yourself these

26:09

three questions. What

26:12

what trust signals? Am I tuning

26:14

into Two? Am

26:17

I trusting this person out

26:20

of convenience? And

26:22

three? Am I making

26:24

this trust decision too quickly? Now

26:29

let's look at something else that

26:31

influences what trust signals.

26:34

We pay attention to our

26:37

gut. My dad's

26:39

gut told him that a nanny who's seen

26:41

bland was a safe one.

26:44

His gut told him that blandness was

26:46

a good trust signal. But our

26:49

gut feeling or intuition is

26:51

rarely the source of trustworthy

26:54

decisions. For Maria Khonnikova,

26:56

the expert in distrust, there's a common

26:59

saying about this that's a real pet

27:01

peeve.

27:03

Trusting your gut. I hate that phrase, and

27:05

I think it's very misleading and

27:08

very bad at because here's

27:10

what we know from psychology. Our quote

27:12

unquote gut has very strong

27:14

reactions, and they're sometimes correct

27:17

and sometimes wrong, and our

27:20

ability to distinguish

27:22

the two is at about fifty

27:25

to fifty, so a chance we

27:27

have very little ability to

27:30

be able to figure out which our

27:33

gut feelings are correct and which are not correct.

27:40

So let me share with you something from my research

27:43

that has made me think differently about the

27:45

role of gut feeling in giving trust.

27:48

Gut feeling is not the decision maker,

27:52

but a decision driver. So

27:55

use your intuition, but challenge

27:57

it with other information to make sure

27:59

it's accurate. Here's

28:01

how this might come up in your job when

28:05

you're thinking about how to have a difficult conversation

28:07

with a colleague, or when

28:10

you're taking a brief from a potential

28:12

client and you're not entirely sure

28:14

what they do, and of course

28:17

when you're hiring someone new. Don't

28:21

let your gut make the trust

28:23

decision.

28:33

Throw your gut out the window. You don't know.

28:35

You are relying on people perception

28:37

that is most often wrong.

28:40

That is why so many hiring decisions are so

28:43

terrible, because people go

28:45

with those feelings. And we know that those

28:47

thin slice judgments are made within

28:49

the first few seconds of meeting someone,

28:51

and that's when you're hiring decision is made. And that's

28:54

just crazy. How can you base someone

28:56

you're going to hire into your organization

28:59

based on two seconds, ten seconds,

29:01

it doesn't even matter, twenty seconds. Anything that

29:03

has seconds after it should

29:05

not be a basis for such an enormous decision.

29:09

Instead of making important trust decisions

29:11

in seconds, Maria recommends

29:14

going by the old mattra that former

29:16

President Ronald Reagan was so fond

29:18

of trust. But verify.

29:22

Our default has to be trust. Right

29:25

initially, you have to believe

29:27

the things you hear, believe the people you meet.

29:29

You're not going to be able to go through life

29:32

if every single moment you're doubting

29:34

everything, and it's completely impractical.

29:37

However, you have to have that second

29:40

verification stage. Verify,

29:42

Verify everything that's important, and

29:45

verify even when you don't really want to.

29:48

Nobel Laureate Daniel Carneman's definition

29:51

of a gut feeling is spot on.

29:54

He says, a gut feeling is thinking

29:56

that you know without knowing why

29:58

you do. Even though

30:01

I've studied the ins and outs of trust for

30:03

over a decade, I have still gone

30:05

with my gut countless times.

30:09

Sometimes things have gone right

30:12

and other times things have gone horribly

30:15

wrong. So let me share

30:17

with you a useful tool that will help

30:19

you better read trust signals. It's

30:22

called a trust pause.

30:25

A trust pause is a healthy hesitation

30:27

where we question if a person, a

30:30

product, or a piece of information is

30:32

worthy of out trust. If

30:35

you find yourself wanting to make a

30:37

trust decision quickly from your

30:39

gut, take a trust

30:41

pause and ask yourself

30:44

the following questions, where

30:47

is this confidence coming from?

30:50

Am I seeing or hearing something

30:53

I want or need to

30:55

believe to be true? Is

30:57

it because this person feels familiar

31:00

or similar to me? And a

31:02

really important question, what

31:05

information do I still need to

31:08

make a relation liable decision? When

31:13

you put these questions into practice,

31:15

they will intentionally slow you

31:18

down. Now, I know that in

31:20

a world that's so driven by efficiency.

31:22

This might sound counterintuitive, but

31:25

speed can be the enemy

31:28

of trust. I'm

31:31

not suggesting you overthink every

31:34

single trust decision. I mean, you'd

31:36

never leave the house, But if it's

31:38

something important, take a

31:40

trust pause. For

31:43

example, if you have some sensitive

31:46

or confidential information to share with your

31:48

boss, take a trust pause

31:50

before speaking to them. If

31:52

you're going for a new role in an organization,

31:55

take a trust pause to speak to someone

31:57

in a similar position. If you're

31:59

starting an important contract with a new supplier,

32:02

take a trust pause to speak to some other

32:05

customers. Are

32:08

you sure? Are you

32:10

sure? That's at the heart

32:12

of a trust pause. It

32:15

might feel like you're wasting valuable time,

32:17

but otherwise you may be left

32:20

wondering why you didn't pause for

32:22

a bit longer before giving your

32:24

trust. Because once

32:26

trust has been given, it's

32:28

in the other person's hands

32:31

to take care of or break.

32:36

My dad could have taken a trust

32:38

pause with Doris and it

32:40

would have saved a lot of anguish

32:43

and his vovo. Of course,

32:46

there are regrets, but after

32:48

everything, it hasn't

32:50

really changed my dad. He

32:53

just tends to trust people.

32:56

I have run

32:58

my life on the basis of trusting

33:00

people, and I've

33:03

found that generally

33:05

that has worked out for me, and has that

33:07

trust been abused a bit,

33:11

But I think that what I've gained from trusting

33:13

people is more than if I've been constantly

33:15

look here at my shoulder, not trusting people,

33:18

and by and large that

33:20

worked out.

33:20

Okay, some people

33:23

trust too much and too readily,

33:26

Like my dad, they have what psychologists

33:28

call a hyperpensity to trust.

33:31

They assume they won't be taken advantage

33:34

of.

33:34

Human beings are wired to trust. Trust

33:37

as our default state, and the only

33:40

reason society exists and all of

33:42

our institutions exist and just the world

33:44

functions is because of trust.

33:48

Here's something else Maria helped me

33:50

rethink the existence

33:52

of con Artists like Doris actually

33:55

says something very good about

33:57

humanity that may

33:59

sound strange, but the only reason

34:02

they succeed is because as people,

34:04

for the most part, we are trusting.

34:08

As the late master magician Ricky

34:10

Jay once said, you

34:12

wouldn't want to live in a world where you couldn't be

34:14

conned, because it would mean

34:17

you're living in a world where you never trusted

34:20

anyone or anything.

34:22

And that to me just gets at

34:24

the heart of it. You know, the fact that I

34:26

can get conned is the

34:28

flip side of the fact that I believe in things,

34:31

I believe in people, and that's

34:33

beautiful.

34:35

There's no one size fits

34:38

all approach to trust giving. Ultimately,

34:41

trust is a choice.

34:44

It's yours to give or

34:46

not. So

34:51

let's just recap the four main ideas

34:54

about giving trust that you can now

34:56

put into practice.

34:58

One.

34:59

Be aware of the trust signals you're

35:01

tuning into by remembering that we

35:03

tend to trust what's familiar.

35:07

Two, recognize when

35:09

you're allowing convenience to trump

35:11

trust. Three,

35:14

reframe your gap feeling as

35:16

a decision driver, not

35:19

the decision maker. And

35:21

finally, four speed

35:24

can be the enemy of trust, So

35:27

take a trust pause to get the right

35:29

information. I'm

35:32

going to leave you with a question to think about

35:35

as we head into chapter two.

35:38

How do you get someone else to trust

35:40

you?