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for item of equal or lesser value. Welcome

0:46

to the Sean Donahue show. Good parenting is

0:48

so important. It changes our kids. It changes

0:50

us. It changes the world. If you'd like

0:53

to talk with me, send me a message

0:55

on Instagram or I can help you inside

0:57

of my VIP membership. Hey,

1:01

I'm your coach, which means care

1:03

about you. I want the best

1:05

for you and I want

1:07

the best from you. That means it's

1:09

my job to push you, challenge you

1:11

and help you be the best version

1:13

of yourself. So today, I want you

1:16

to set a goal for yourself. I

1:18

want you to set a deep goal

1:20

and I don't want you

1:22

just to New Year's resolution this

1:24

thing and forget about it in two weeks. I

1:27

want you to do this goal that you're going to

1:29

set for yourself. And I

1:31

want to see you become consistent at it. And

1:33

I know you can do it. I know you

1:35

can do it because I've been working with great

1:37

parents like you for over 25 years. And

1:40

I've seen them get to this goal. I've

1:43

seen them overcome it and become consistent

1:45

at it. All right. Before I tell

1:48

you what the goal is, hang with me for a second. All

1:50

right. Goals are good. Sometimes

1:53

we have goals like I want to lose weight. I

1:55

want to exercise three times a week. I

1:57

want to go make sure I plant that hydrangea garden. I want

1:59

to build that shed. I want to teach my kids how to golf.

2:01

I want to take them out of ski. Over

2:03

the weekend, I had a big goal. I

2:06

had 350 little plants delivered to my

2:08

house and my goal was to get

2:10

them all planted. I got a whole

2:12

crew of professionals here and a whole

2:14

bunch of stuff happening. And on Saturday

2:16

I worked my mind off and we

2:18

planted 350 plants in one day. And

2:21

then I had a goal for Sunday.

2:23

I was to be chilling

2:25

and doing nothing. I

2:28

just wanted to watch TV and relax

2:30

and watch movies. So I

2:32

watched a complete unknown, the

2:35

Bob Dylan bio pic. Really good.

2:37

Really good movie. Great

2:39

music. I thought the movie was good,

2:41

but just his impact on American culture

2:43

and music, I thought was fabulous. Also,

2:45

here's another great pic. There's a really

2:47

great documentary on Netflix called Golden Greed,

2:49

The Hunt for Fence Treasure about this

2:51

rich guy that like buried a million

2:53

dollars worth of gold treasure. in

2:55

like in the Rocky Mountains and they created this

2:58

poem and like I just kept it like captured

3:00

the nation by storm and all these people came

3:02

and they were trying to look for it. It

3:04

was on like it was a big deal. It's

3:06

a great documentary. So I had a great weekend.

3:09

My goals were accomplished. All right. So now here's

3:11

what I want you to do. Why

3:13

don't you take a deep breath and I want you to think about some of

3:15

that's kind of hard to think about. All right. And

3:18

I want you to think about what are

3:20

your reactions as a person, as a parent,

3:22

as a spouse, what Reactions

3:26

are a term what you

3:28

and I do when we

3:30

don't feel good, when we

3:32

react poorly, when we react

3:34

negatively, when we don't

3:37

manage our emotions well. And

3:40

these are things that people

3:42

don't like. Nobody

3:44

likes it when I'm doing my

3:47

reactions. Nobody likes it when you

3:49

are reacting. Responses?

3:51

Good. Reactions.

3:54

bad. If you're here with me live, then

3:56

you can actually follow along with me because you've

3:58

got this parent packet hat in your hand.

4:00

You're my VIP member. If you're listening to

4:02

this recording and I'm actually going to turn

4:04

this into a podcast. So you might make a

4:07

note that this is the type of thing

4:09

you can actually listen to again or listen

4:11

to with your spouse or even listen to this

4:13

with your kids in your car. Hey

4:15

kids, what's up? This one's for you.

4:18

Reactions are things you do when

4:20

you are not managing your emotions

4:22

well. Here is a

4:24

short list and when I say

4:27

short list of what some reactions

4:29

are I'm joking this list is

4:31

Long get out the popcorn. It's

4:33

I'm gonna read to you this

4:35

list of things that normal loving

4:37

Parents do when they get stressed

4:39

when they react when things don't

4:41

go this way Here's a big

4:43

list of things that normal teenagers

4:45

and kids do and I'm not

4:47

gonna read you the definitions But

4:49

here's, as you want you to

4:51

listen, here's what I want you

4:53

to do. I want you to

4:55

think about yourself, no one else.

4:58

If you're like sitting next to like your spouse or a kid,

5:01

I don't want you to turn to them and

5:03

roll your eyes or elbow them. That's you, you

5:05

do that one. Like that's what you're ready to

5:07

be tender to do. This is about you, just

5:09

doing work on yourself. No one is perfect. And

5:12

this is another example of how none

5:14

of us are perfect. I struggle with

5:16

some of these things. And I say

5:18

struggle because I'm not perfect at these

5:21

categories, like I still do them. But

5:23

the goal, the goal, the goal of

5:25

what we're doing is I'm really gonna

5:27

do work on myself to put these

5:29

patterns behind me so that a month

5:31

from now, six months from now,

5:34

a year from now, I can say you're not

5:36

really grown in these areas. Here it comes, take

5:38

a deep breath. We're about to, I'm gonna lift

5:40

off. It's gonna be like watching a horror movie

5:42

right now, all right? Whoo,

5:44

I'm not gonna redo the definitions.

5:46

So you can um, this is

5:49

all being recorded you can Hit

5:51

rewind and listen to this again

5:53

if you like in mostly abc

5:55

order. This is what people do

5:57

They act out I Won't read

5:59

the descriptions on very many of

6:02

these but nothing out is like

6:04

a big big one It's like

6:06

you can do something violent you

6:08

swear You can hit somebody you

6:10

do a dangerous behavior. You can

6:13

rage You could do something really

6:15

wrong, acting out. Other

6:18

things people do, you

6:20

get really big, anxious feelings

6:22

in your body. You

6:25

can argue, try to convince someone,

6:28

cross complain, do

6:30

avoidance, just avoiding someone,

6:33

avoiding a hard conversation. Some

6:35

people blame. Or they label or

6:38

they say, you this, you, you, you, it's not my

6:40

fault. You, you, you, it's all you, it's all because

6:42

of you. This is, you're the one. Belittle

6:46

someone. Put them down. Like

6:49

poke them. Broadcast. Gathering

6:52

the horseps. Gossip. Broadcasting

6:54

your gossip means like you're talking

6:56

negatively about someone else. Like gossiping

6:59

or spreading your problems all around

7:01

other people. Criticism.

7:04

Criticize just that negativity. This

7:07

is these are all common normal things

7:09

that human beings like me and you

7:12

do criticizing Caretaking or reminding we're just

7:14

going ABC order. It's like Now on

7:16

the surface that might looks really good.

7:18

What caretaking that's so nice No, it's

7:21

like this form of like instead of

7:23

you being real with your feelings you

7:25

being honest You're just like, you know

7:27

caretaking reminding you're like rescuing you're like

7:30

helping someone there and you really should

7:32

be doing something else the next one

7:34

is dramatic using

7:37

big, exaggerated words. Next

7:39

is codependent feelings or words.

7:42

Things like, I need this.

7:44

I have to have this.

7:47

I need you. Okay,

7:50

next one is very common for some

7:52

parents. No poking anybody, right? No

7:54

rolling of the eyes. It's called command and

7:56

control. Like directing, reminding, making threats

7:59

to someone. Like pretty much taking charge and telling

8:01

someone what to do. Telling a child what to

8:03

do. Next

8:05

one's called arguing or convincing

8:07

your cross complain. So you're

8:10

arguing with somebody about your

8:12

way is right Defensiveness you're

8:14

defending yourself Denial which means

8:17

that you just try to

8:19

deny it ever happened deny

8:21

that you even know what's

8:24

going on Deny that you

8:26

did anything wrong just denying

8:29

dishonesty lying hiding earning mode

8:31

means you do things to

8:33

care or to get people's

8:35

care and attention, you're earning it. It's like

8:38

you're, you know, like

8:40

some people fight, some people

8:42

flight, some people freeze, and

8:44

some people, people please, hamper,

8:46

fawn. Next one is

8:48

called escalating, escalating. Like an

8:50

escalator goes up, you

8:52

and this person you're arguing, you're just escalating

8:55

each other. Next one is like exaggerating. Like

8:57

I said, it's long, rolling in the ease,

8:59

rolling in the ease. Next

9:02

one's fact finding. arguing with someone, you're like

9:04

trying to find out who the facts are.

9:06

That's not what happened. This is what happened.

9:09

Next one's faking it or wearing a mask,

9:11

which means like, you know, you're like in

9:14

this conversation with someone, but you're just like

9:16

faking it. You're not really genuinely there. You

9:18

don't genuinely care. Hopelessness.

9:21

So you like, you're reacting with hopelessness

9:23

means like you're just, you've lost hope

9:26

and you are just checked out

9:28

in a really dark place. Next one

9:30

is humor. You're

9:32

giggling you're making jokes when

9:34

someone's trying to connect with

9:36

you over something serious You're

9:39

like instead of you being

9:41

real and mature. You're you're

9:43

making jokes science Independence or

9:45

undermining defiance would be like

9:48

children to parent or independence

9:50

might make one parent or

9:52

spouse undermining authority of another

9:54

person the next one's called

9:56

innocent victim I Didn't do

9:59

anything isolating judging shaming Lecturing

10:04

lecturing parents. Let me tell you

10:06

about 20 minutes what lecturing means.

10:08

That was a joke arguments manipulation

10:10

Arguments with someone trying to manipulate

10:12

somebody to get what you want

10:14

Minimizing or invalidating somebody else's word

10:16

like hey, it's not a big

10:18

deal good. This is your problem

10:20

Why you still arguing about it?

10:23

Why are you still upset about

10:25

this? nagging reminding mess pestering

10:27

like you're just constantly nagging or checking in

10:29

reminding Don't do this. Did you forget to

10:31

do this? Hey, make sure you don't, don't

10:34

forget about this. Nate, next

10:36

one's called name calling, cussing out, swearing,

10:38

labeling, calling someone a name, right? Like

10:40

you don't listen. You're being aggressive. You're

10:42

being so dumb. You, you, you. The

10:45

next one is called having negative beliefs, doc

10:47

thoughts or catastrophizing, which means like kind of

10:49

like there's a stressful problem in your mind

10:51

just kind of goes to the worst. Like

10:53

there's a catastrophe here. Like we're never going

10:56

to get out of this. Next

10:58

one's called negative body language. You maybe

11:01

roll your eyes. You cross your arms.

11:04

You have a, you know, like a negative

11:06

look on your face. The next

11:08

one's called people pleasing, right? We talked about that,

11:10

which is like, you know, you're just trying to

11:12

avoid conflict by trying to make other people happy.

11:14

Next one's called pep talk. Fix

11:16

it. Or like giving someone a life lesson, right?

11:19

Pep talking. You know, you really shouldn't do this. You

11:21

know, it'd be a successful life. You can't do that.

11:23

Passive aggressive behavior. Not

11:27

aggressive be aggressive passive aggressive little

11:29

snarky words here and there playing

11:31

dumb making excuses pride arrogance putting

11:34

up a wall bothering touching provoking

11:36

if you're a listen to this

11:38

and if you're a male ages

11:40

13 and under and this one

11:43

is for you Quick punishments parents

11:45

get quickly upset and they quickly

11:47

like okay. You're in trouble. All

11:50

right is it? They just quickly

11:52

lose their temper and they're quickly

11:54

punishing rationalizing or

11:57

defending yourself like, hey, you know, I,

11:59

you know, I didn't do anything wrong.

12:01

I didn't do anything wrong. Repeating

12:04

yourself, replaying or dwelling means

12:06

like you're replaying it in your own

12:08

head, right? So if repeating yourself means

12:10

you're talking about the same things, replaying

12:12

or dwelling means like you're just like

12:15

dwelling on this thing or this issue

12:17

over and over, even at nighttime, day

12:19

in and day out, rewriting history.

12:21

Which means like you tell a story in a

12:23

way that makes you look good. We're in the

12:25

Rs. This one's called

12:27

rules, logic, or rigidity. Which

12:30

means like, you know what, it's like you present

12:32

yourself as like, this is the way it is,

12:35

these are the rules, things aren't fair, this has

12:37

to be this way. It's like you create these

12:39

rules, you want rules, you want structure. Next

12:42

one's called righteous anger. So you are angry

12:44

and you're not handling yourself well, but you're

12:46

defending yourself. This is like a righteous anger.

12:49

Sarcasm, snapping. mocking

12:52

or poking. Oh,

12:54

that's like this, you know, snapping

12:56

at someone or making a sarcastic joke,

12:58

poking at them. Screen time.

13:01

Screen time. So

13:04

while this person might yelling and losing their temper, what

13:06

does the other person do? Well, they just pick up

13:08

a device and they zone out on a screen. Wow,

13:11

that has become such a common reaction

13:13

nowadays, hasn't it? How about self -abandoning,

13:15

which means you desert yourself, you neglect

13:18

you, you stop taking care of yourself.

13:21

Self deprecate when you're saying mean

13:23

or dark things to yourself selfishness.

13:25

It's just all about you Like

13:27

no one else really matters. No

13:29

one else's feelings made a mess

13:31

all about me here And it

13:33

just feels so right to you

13:35

zoning out or shutting down Shutting

13:37

down fight flight or freeze shutting

13:39

down could be like a form

13:42

of you just like you're freezing

13:44

like you're there Physically, but you're

13:46

really not there. You're just shut

13:48

down Stonewall stonewalling interesting term That

13:50

means like, you know, someone's trying to

13:53

talk with you, trying to connect with

13:55

you, trying to listen, speak, and

13:57

you're just staring at them. You're like a wall

14:00

of stone, stubbornness. You will

14:02

not budge from your position. You're

14:04

set. There's no flexibilities. Tantrums are

14:07

exploding, right? You're yelling. You're

14:09

screaming. You're just like making

14:11

a big scene. Maybe you're following someone

14:13

around the house. You're rolling on the

14:15

floor. You are punching holes in the

14:17

wall that could be acting out. You're...

14:20

You're just screaming and yelling, venting, which

14:22

means you're unloading on somebody. You're just

14:24

emotionally vomiting, talking, talking, and not, no

14:26

one's really into that. Withdrawing,

14:29

which means the middle of conversation, what do you do?

14:31

You're out. You withdraw. You leave. You walk

14:33

away from someone. Withholding, which

14:35

means you hold back physical touch

14:38

from someone or love. It's like

14:40

a form of avoidance. You're withholding

14:42

love and attention. And the

14:44

last three is yelling, rage, tone

14:46

or aggression. Yes, so yelling is

14:48

a why. So you're really ready.

14:51

You're raising your voice, right? It's

14:53

okay to get angry, but and

14:55

you want to respond in your

14:57

anger, not react in a yelling,

14:59

screaming, tone or aggression. That's all

15:01

a form of a reaction. Some

15:04

people last two, they do work or busy

15:06

body or they go to their hobbies. Instead

15:08

of dealing with problems in a healthy way,

15:11

they're just overworking their workaholics or they

15:13

just drown yourself in the work or their

15:15

hobby and then I wrote this document man

15:17

about 12 years ago and Occasionally I make

15:20

edits to it and so we have

15:22

my team and I did add one thing

15:24

recently It's called psychoanalyzing or therapizing somebody where

15:26

you kind of like talk to them about

15:28

their their mind their emotions and like

15:30

what they're going through and you're trying to

15:33

help be like you're psychoanalyzing that person Whoo,

15:35

all right, here's what we're gonna do about

15:37

it Okay, so I want you to make

15:40

a goal. What are the top one, two,

15:42

three, four, five that you really need to

15:44

work on and you need to stop them?

15:47

You need to figure out why do I keep doing them?

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to go back to the radio? Okay. Why

16:20

do I keep doing them? Here's a

16:22

few thoughts to help you to set

16:24

your goal into Make

16:27

major changes in the next six to twelve

16:29

months on your goal this is things to

16:31

help you maybe your coach one is this

16:33

all versions of fight flight freeze are fun

16:36

so these are all coping mechanisms they're not

16:38

healthy number two why do we do them

16:40

well we do them because we don't know

16:42

what else to do right we don't have

16:44

the tools. One of the reasons

16:47

why i avoided for so long especially

16:49

when i was younger is i didn't

16:51

know how to talk nobody ever taught

16:53

me how to have conflict now how

16:55

to share my feelings how to connect

16:57

my parents didn't really try and so

16:59

i just didn't know so we need

17:01

the right tools on how to do

17:03

healthy things and put healthy unhealthy things

17:05

away number three. Speaking of family, thinking

17:07

of parents, we do these things because

17:09

these are our family patterns. Some

17:11

of these we, you know, we picked up

17:14

from our parents and they're not good. We've

17:16

got to stop these patterns, these generational cycles.

17:18

And in some of us, we did the

17:20

exact opposite of what our parents did because

17:23

we were so disgusted by our parents' parenting

17:25

style. We're like, I'm going to do the

17:27

exact opposite. My parents screamed and I refused

17:30

to scream at my kids. And now what

17:32

do you do? You struggle with avoidance, withdrawing

17:34

screens, whatever, quietness, shutting down. You know, and

17:36

then your new spouse is yelling to you

17:39

help me out, right? So the pattern feels

17:41

like it just continues, right? Next

17:43

one is why don't we do these

17:45

things? Why are they so hard? Why

17:48

do we do our reactions? Because responding

17:50

can really invite us to be vulnerable

17:52

and to be real. Reactions

17:55

are not vulnerable. Reactions

17:57

are our way of protecting

17:59

ourselves from pain. You

18:01

know, we yell. We run

18:03

away we avoid because we don't want

18:05

to sit in that pain and that

18:07

stress Like we put our dukes up

18:09

if you're boxing someone you put your

18:12

dukes up to protect yourself protect yourself

18:14

from getting punched and We also would

18:16

do our reactions because we want control

18:18

because it feels good to be in

18:20

control. It doesn't feel good to go

18:22

on a roller coaster And

18:24

the freaking thing that's supposed to be

18:26

belching you down is all janking it's

18:28

all wiggly you feel scared you're out

18:30

of control this isn't safe i'm not

18:32

emotionally safe. And then you gotta do

18:34

whatever you need to do to feel

18:36

safe and fill in control in our

18:38

reactions are all our unhealthy ways of

18:40

getting control over our lives in the

18:42

chaos of everyday family life. Lastly we

18:44

do them because we do them because

18:46

sometimes we actually think they're helping people

18:48

we think like this is actually helpful.

18:50

This person needs to be yelled at

18:52

sometimes. This person needs to know

18:54

they can't cheat me this way. I'm going

18:57

to avoid them. I can't just let this

18:59

person or this child do this. I have

19:01

to do this. And so here's a couple

19:03

things to do. One, if

19:05

you really want to take this next

19:07

level, ask some family members in your life

19:10

to help you with this. Ask

19:12

them of these like three or five things. You

19:14

know which of these reactions that i'm thinking of

19:16

which one hurts you the most which one annoys

19:18

you the most which one you know bothers you

19:21

the most. Apologize to them

19:23

when you are doing them say i'm really working

19:25

on that i know you hate when i do

19:27

that so i really apologize to you can you

19:29

tell me how is that how do you feel

19:31

when i talk to you that way or when

19:34

i do that like enter in i know it's

19:36

like you that question right there is like a

19:38

hard question to ask. And it's

19:40

like but it's like. Sharing, you

19:42

know, none of us have problems.

19:45

So or none of us are

19:47

perfect. We all have problems So

19:49

even my doing this with someone

19:51

you're just like sharing in your

19:53

humanity and you have helpers in

19:55

your life You have people that

19:57

love you that can help you

19:59

with this here is something really

20:02

really interesting about all of this

20:04

is that our reactions bother us

20:06

Less than they bother other people

20:08

we do our reactions and we

20:10

get like desensitized them and it

20:12

doesn't bother us. Isn't that interesting?

20:14

So us yelling at somebody bothers

20:16

us less than it does the

20:19

other people. And so

20:21

what's happening is that you might feel like

20:23

you're not like reacting or you might feel

20:25

like what you're doing is not that bad.

20:28

You might feel like you're doing a great

20:30

thing, but this is so deep what I've

20:32

learned and want to share with you. When

20:37

it comes to relationships, Of

20:40

course, there's morals and there's right

20:42

and wrong, but when it comes

20:44

to relationships, there

20:46

is very little absolute right and

20:48

wrong. Let me explain. It

20:51

means like, if you're my family member and

20:53

I love you and you love me, if

20:55

I feel like this is right, like my

20:57

tone, for example, that's a great example, my

21:00

tone. Another one of my tone. I'm talking

21:02

to you and I feel like my tone

21:04

is in a good spot. But you, you

21:06

don't like my tone because you feel like

21:08

it's too aggressive, it's too... it's to whatever.

21:11

Well, then here's my advice for you. I

21:13

hope you take it. It means if it's

21:15

not right for you, it

21:17

means it's not right for us. So

21:20

there's very little like morality

21:22

and close relationships. The

21:25

two people, they create their own

21:27

morality about right and wrong. So

21:30

if I feel like you, I'm doing

21:32

something and I'm like, I didn't do

21:35

anything. I didn't say anything. What are

21:37

you talking about? You're being dramatic. Like

21:40

I, now I'm just defending my morality

21:42

and I'm trying to push that right

21:44

or wrong on that person and then

21:46

they're going to argue back. That is

21:48

wrong. And so instead of

21:51

seeing it like right or wrong, instead

21:53

step into the vulnerability of the gray

21:55

and just sing like, hey, if it's

21:57

not right for this other person, it

22:00

means you've got to find a third

22:02

way. Third way. So

22:05

it's not your way. It's

22:07

not gonna work for them. It's not

22:09

their way That's not gonna work for you,

22:11

but there is a third way like we

22:13

can become agreeable We can figure this out

22:16

together what works and that's like some people

22:18

use the word compromise I'm not really into

22:20

that word, but that's kind of what it

22:22

is. It's almost like a love language type

22:24

thinking Like I love you. Well, no, you

22:27

don't love me. I do love you. You

22:29

never show you me love you I love

22:31

you all the time. I do XYZ for

22:33

you. Oh, well, yeah, see so it's like

22:36

Understanding like with relationships is just such this

22:39

like blood of emotion and like who knows

22:41

what's right or wrong you got to figure

22:43

that out together and that's part of one

22:45

of the reasons why parenting is so hard

22:47

because every child is so different and you

22:49

might feel like what you're doing is so

22:51

good and right but you got to check

22:53

in is that is that landing well on

22:55

their years on their young years. In

22:58

the end of the day here's the message.

23:02

Reactions are trash. And

23:05

I could for us as parents

23:07

They heard our children and they

23:09

minimize our connection and our impact

23:11

on our children And isn't that

23:13

like kind of what it's all

23:15

about just being close with our

23:17

kids being connected and making a

23:19

huge impact on them So here

23:21

I'm trying to I'm in your

23:23

corner. I'm your coach the best

23:25

way to be You know closely

23:27

connected and a huge impact on

23:29

your kids is to be flexible

23:31

Find new tools to put your

23:33

reactions behind you and do the

23:36

hard inner work you need to

23:38

do to become consistently loving because

23:40

that is another very simple way

23:42

of looking at reactions is they're

23:44

not loving that huge list that

23:46

i read horror movie that's not

23:48

loving loving is a different way

23:50

of finding a way that connects

23:52

with you in an authentic way

23:54

and it connects with them responding

23:56

not reacting Parents,

23:58

thank you for letting me be a positive voice in

24:00

your life. I love you and I

24:02

love your family. If you're

24:05

sick and tired of the same

24:07

painful patterns in your parenting or the

24:09

same painful bad behaviors in your

24:11

kids then are you waiting for? Join

24:13

me in my VIP membership. I'd

24:16

love to speak with you and give you

24:18

the specific tools that you need.