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Hello, and welcome back to the Self Healer Soundboard.

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Today's episode was inspired

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by this month's topic in Self

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Healer Circle, our global membership

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community where we are exploring forgiveness.

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And time and time again, many members were asking

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about the topic of self-forgiveness.

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So we thought we would dedicate an entire episode diving

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into that now.

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Just yesterday, I led a workshop

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in Self Healer Circle specifically on

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self-forgiveness. And

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intentionally, these topics of forgiveness

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and self-forgiveness were put into

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a cluster of our heart consciousness

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courses. So we started with

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a macro conversation around just

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what forgiveness is and the impact

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that forgiveness or not forgiving

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has on our physical selves,

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on our hearts, our bodies, and therefore

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our minds, our thoughts, how we express

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ourselves in the world, how we show

1:01

up in our relationships. And anytime

1:03

we're

1:03

talking about any concept

1:06

or topic,

1:07

there is always a path immediately

1:09

led back to self, how to

1:11

apply and integrate that with self. And

1:14

forgiveness was no different. Many of us think

1:16

first of forgiveness as an act

1:18

that involves another. Forgiveness

1:21

is something that we give to another. In

1:23

fact, forgiveness is actually a gift

1:25

that we give to ourselves

1:28

and our physical selves, our well-being,

1:31

our hearts, our own actual

1:33

physiological health.

1:36

So today, we're going to specifically talk

1:38

about self-forgiveness.

1:40

Before we can even think about forgiving

1:43

another or the conversation about

1:45

involving another person in forgiveness,

1:48

let's talk about what it's like to actually

1:50

forgive ourselves, to be able to go through

1:52

the experience of self-forgiveness so

1:55

that we actually then can extend that

1:57

to another. Because if we cannot first...

1:59

give something to ourselves and embody

2:02

it ourselves, we are

2:05

actually unable to

2:07

give it to another no matter

2:09

how much we may want or desire

2:11

to.

2:13

As I imagine the many of us who struggle with

2:15

the practice of self forgiveness are aware

2:17

this is a practice, meaning

2:20

we could be given all of the information

2:22

about how forgiveness is helpful for our

2:24

own hearts, for the hearts of others, for our relationships,

2:27

though until we really engage in the

2:29

practice of identifying,

2:32

allowing, accepting, and ultimately

2:34

releasing any and all of those angry,

2:37

those judgmental, those critical,

2:39

or those otherwise upsetting thoughts that so

2:41

many of us have about

2:43

ourselves, usually attached

2:45

to past actions or inactions that

2:47

many of us carry with us embodied

2:50

in our mind and bodies for a

2:52

lifetime. So this is again really honoring

2:54

the practice of making those daily

2:57

choices to become present to the

2:59

fact that we might believe we need forgiveness for

3:02

whatever it is so that we can actually then

3:04

release and allow ourself to engage

3:07

or embody the peace that comes

3:09

with forgiveness itself.

3:10

And a willingness, I think you can't

3:13

forgive or choose to forgive yourself if

3:15

you're unwilling, much like when

3:17

we begin healing or we make change

3:20

in our lives, which is the first thing most of us want,

3:22

we wanna run and wave a magic wand

3:24

and give that same change and transformation

3:27

and healing to all of the people

3:29

around us. When reality is

3:31

they too have to be

3:33

willing. It has to be a willingness

3:36

and an intention that comes from

3:38

your own internal inner guidance

3:40

and intuition, a sole

3:43

choice if you will, or from your heart.

3:46

So in this belief, I love that

3:48

you're saying that, a belief that

3:50

I'm worthy of forgiving,

3:53

many of us who have done

3:55

something or harmed another or hurt another

3:58

to a point where

3:59

we are shaming ourselves we are guilty

4:02

we do have that resentment you

4:04

know we might even be guilty or resentful

4:07

or angry about the consequences

4:09

or the result of whatever it

4:11

was that our action

4:14

was allow that to be it is

4:17

in fact a process that is

4:19

going to take practice and

4:21

revisiting actually feeling

4:24

and going through the steps of

4:26

this self forgiveness so that we can even

4:29

create space from ourselves

4:31

and the event that happened the feelings

4:34

that we

4:34

feel from it and what we've learned

4:37

from it so that we can make

4:39

it an experience that

4:41

that produces wisdom that produces

4:43

feedback and information for us to

4:46

make more aligned choices

4:49

and responses in the future to

4:51

really bring forth

4:52

our true essence and our authentic

4:54

divine selves into the world.

4:57

I love this distinction you're making here Jenna

4:59

between one of our tendency or noticing

5:01

the distinction between our tendency to engage

5:04

in emotional addiction cycles and that

5:06

shift of using what very

5:08

real happened as you say we cannot happen it and

5:11

taking the wisdom from it so that we can actually

5:13

change our actions into the future because for

5:16

me I see that kind of blurred

5:18

line between those two because one of the

5:20

areas I continue to revisit oftentimes

5:23

in emotional addiction cycles where I'm stressed

5:26

feeling bad about

5:27

myself I can call to mind

5:29

and it wasn't just one the several

5:31

relationships whether it was romantic or

5:33

even friendships that in the past I've ghosted

5:36

I've just left when they stopped being

5:38

aligned with me for whatever reason and a lot

5:40

of this was around early stages of my healing

5:42

journey I just stopped contacting

5:45

or responding to contact

5:47

from certain people and of course in the context of romantic

5:50

partnerships if I began dating someone

5:52

and I was aware

5:52

my feelings weren't there but maybe theirs

5:55

were instead of just telling them that I

5:57

wasn't aligned in that moment for a romantic

5:59

relationship I just got the heck out of

6:01

there and said

6:02

nothing. And while now, right,

6:04

looking back, I can understand all

6:06

of that ghosting behavior, as hurtful as I imagine

6:09

it was for those other people, was really

6:11

indicative of, not of them at all, of my

6:13

inability to acknowledge these

6:15

relationships not being in alignment, of my

6:17

inability to even know where my alignment was,

6:20

let alone stand in that space and speak

6:22

it to someone else, whether it's in a friendship

6:25

or in a romantic partnership. So the

6:28

shift into wisdom is, yes, that did happen.

6:30

And that was a byproduct of me not knowing

6:33

myself, of me not knowing how to advocate

6:35

for myself, all coming, again, out of

6:37

protective behaviors, learned

6:40

in my own childhood. People

6:42

pleasing became the way, right? Not

6:44

saying things to upset people. So now when I have

6:47

something upsetting to say to someone, what did I do?

6:49

I left because I didn't have

6:51

the tools how. Though in moments,

6:54

I could call to mind all of the people, some of them

6:56

decades old, relationships I haven't

6:58

even had contact with in so long,

7:01

yet I could hold myself accountable in

7:03

shame in those moments of

7:05

emotional addiction, right? Kind of leaning

7:08

too much into what I've done in the past

7:10

and not enough into, I've learned.

7:13

I now am very advocating

7:15

for myself. I'm able to speak up a bit

7:17

more when things aren't aligned. So

7:19

chances are I'm not gonna find myself

7:22

so entrenched in a relationship that I need to ghost

7:25

to get out sometime later because all

7:27

along the way, I'm honoring my boundaries

7:30

and I'm speaking up for my needs so that relationships

7:32

can become aligned or their

7:34

separation and I can communicate much

7:36

more directly at an

7:37

earlier time. If you're watching the

7:40

YouTube video on our Self

7:42

Healers Onboard YouTube channel of these

7:44

video episodes, which do have closed captions

7:46

if you're wanting to read these episodes

7:49

instead, I was smiling

7:51

and giggling just as Nicole

7:52

stopped talking there because you

7:54

learned something new about your partners every day.

7:58

It's always such an interesting experience.

7:59

when you learn new things about your partner on a public

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podcast. Granted, we're not live

8:04

at the moment, but we'll keep this. It's just so

8:07

interesting to, and I can picture, that past version

8:09

of you doing that. I

8:11

appreciate you sharing that. And

8:13

appreciate you looping in that emotional

8:16

addiction

8:16

cycle again. And emotional

8:19

addiction, we actually, as we're recording

8:21

this, we have an episode out that just released

8:23

this week, episode 96, healing

8:26

from emotional addiction

8:28

that is related directly to our

8:30

workbook, How to Meet Yourself.

8:32

And very quickly, emotional addiction,

8:34

for those of you who don't know, it's the

8:37

body's physiological response

8:39

actually staying stuck in

8:41

the embodiment of these

8:44

feelings, like that shame, anger,

8:46

resentment. That energy,

8:48

or that emotion, I should say, is energy

8:51

in motion. Those feelings

8:53

are in your body, going

8:56

through a process. And we get looped into

8:58

them. We create, or hook

9:01

onto, thoughts that cause

9:03

the response in our body of this shame,

9:05

this anger, this resentment, and vice

9:07

versa. It just goes in this nice, continual

9:10

loop of emotional addiction that,

9:12

yes, doesn't

9:13

feel good or peaceful

9:16

or calming or regulating. However,

9:18

in some ways, it feels

9:21

regulating in the sense that it relates

9:23

to the chaos and dysfunction that we

9:26

once learned was regulation

9:28

itself. And our body

9:30

stays stuck there. So when we talk

9:32

about forgiveness, while no one

9:35

has to forgive, forgiveness,

9:38

self-forgiveness, these are choices

9:41

that we make for ourselves.

9:43

And when we choose

9:45

not to forgive, or we choose

9:47

to look away, or we give

9:50

ourselves, this came up in our Self-Hueller's Circle

9:52

membership portal, a conversation around that

9:55

surface level forgiveness, where

9:57

you can just tell yourself you forgive yourself

9:59

about something.

9:59

and then a couple months down the road,

10:02

you're an imploding volcano about it or an exploding

10:04

volcano reacting to all

10:06

of this resentment that's still there, all of

10:08

this emotion, energy and

10:11

motion that is literally in your physical

10:13

being, your physical body erupting

10:16

and coming forth

10:17

because in act,

10:20

a process, the embodiment of actual

10:22

forgiveness and self forgiveness genuinely

10:25

did not take place because

10:27

if it had, then

10:29

that identification of

10:31

those feelings from that

10:34

event,

10:35

the awareness would have been there, the actual

10:37

process of feeling those

10:39

feelings, which means actually connecting

10:42

to the pain, connecting to

10:44

the shame, taking responsibility

10:46

and accountability for it. That means

10:48

quite literally sitting and being

10:51

with the physical discomfort

10:53

of our own resentment and anger

10:55

towards self and also

10:57

the connection to our own

11:00

painful and deeper wounds

11:03

that were part of the root cause

11:05

that created the

11:07

situation that you are

11:09

now choosing to or not

11:12

forgive yourself for. So

11:14

when we give that surface level forgiveness

11:17

or we brush by it,

11:18

our body is saying a different

11:21

story. Our mind might have made up a story that we've

11:23

forgiven, but our body didn't.

11:25

Our body is stuck in that emotional

11:27

addiction. It is repeating the

11:29

sensations and the embodiment of

11:32

that shame. When that happens,

11:35

there's no room and no space

11:37

for it to allow in

11:40

feelings of forgiveness, of acceptance,

11:42

of compassion, of allowing

11:44

that reflection and that gained

11:46

wisdom, which can actually help

11:49

move our lives forward in

11:51

alignment to our true nature. I'm

11:53

really happy you brought up resentment

11:56

and the role that that can often

11:58

play and what resentment really is.

11:59

is the accumulation of anger

12:02

that many of us have gathered over

12:04

a lifetime of unmet needs of boundary

12:07

violations because my

12:09

process of self-forgiveness is a bit savvy.

12:13

When saying that to say that I oftentimes

12:15

don't even or I have a conditioned

12:17

habit, I should say, of not standing

12:20

in that space of personal responsibility,

12:22

of doing instead the opposite, which

12:24

I could call externalizing

12:26

or projecting responsibility outward.

12:29

I can use a prime example

12:29

from just last week that really illustrates

12:32

this. I woke up, there's been a couple weeks

12:34

now where I've been struggling to sleep through the night,

12:36

I've been waking up in the middle of the night, so

12:39

my resources are low. When we're

12:40

talking about our mind and body, we understand

12:42

that sleep and our ability to rest

12:45

plays an important role in us having the ability,

12:48

having our resources to tolerate stress the

12:50

next day. To put it short and simple, when I'm not

12:52

sleeping well, I notice I can become

12:55

agitated. It's even more important

12:58

when I'm not sleeping well at night to make sure

13:00

that I'm caring for myself during the

13:02

day. Yet, at the same time, those are the moments

13:04

where I'm likely not to care for

13:06

myself. In the example I want to give is I

13:08

woke up one morning, I was feeling a bit agitated after

13:10

not sleeping for several nights, and

13:13

we were going about the three of us living together,

13:15

going about our mornings, and

13:18

I was watching, Lolly,

13:20

one of our partners outside, having her morning,

13:22

and I was watching somewhat you, Jenna, kind

13:24

of going about what you need to do in your morning,

13:26

and I was in my mind's eye feeling

13:29

not only stressed out and overwhelmed, but

13:31

holding myself to task with all of

13:33

these obligations outside of myself. I had to feed the cats,

13:36

I had to do everything for everyone else. Meanwhile,

13:39

I'm looking glaring, leering, the

13:41

two of you, taking time

13:43

for yourself. What I'm feeling

13:45

actually is agitated, not with me, with

13:47

you. I'm feeling resentful, I'm feeling even angry. How

13:50

are they out there? I'm using

13:52

this example because really

13:54

in that moment, what I was upset with was not

13:57

anyone around me, I was upset with myself, with

13:59

my own ability

13:59

to create boundaries around how

14:02

I spent my time that morning with my

14:04

own inability to take care of myself,

14:07

regardless of what was or wasn't happening

14:09

around me. That's what I was really upset with.

14:12

The process of forgiveness, the embodied process,

14:15

would have meant becoming aware of all

14:17

of that. That I'm

14:19

not upset with anyone else. I'm upset with me. I'm

14:21

upset with this unrealistic expectation

14:24

that I put on myself, that I take care of the

14:26

world even when my resources are low. In

14:28

reality, I need to

14:29

create space to take

14:31

care of myself. I wanted to use

14:33

that example because

14:35

I imagine many of you are resonating

14:37

with this, which we don't even get to the process

14:39

of forgiving ourselves if

14:42

we can't yet take responsibility. That

14:44

habit that I've described of externalizing for me

14:46

goes so deep. I would talk to

14:48

you really often early on in my healing journey.

14:50

I would share with Jenna that I went through this,

14:53

I would call it a boot camp of radical responsibility

14:55

because I was so aware that my go-to

14:57

tendency when anything was upsetting me

15:00

was to find the external cause for upset.

15:03

In reality, what I've learned more often than not, those

15:05

moments, I'm not actually upset with the

15:07

world around me. I'm upset with

15:09

myself. One might even say

15:11

deserving of the process of forgiving

15:14

myself for that upset forever. I did or

15:16

didn't do whatever expectation I met or didn't

15:18

meet, and just allowing myself to

15:21

accept, to become present to, and

15:23

to be with whatever I feel about

15:25

what is so that I can actually release

15:27

that. Again, that only becomes possible

15:30

if I first take that responsibility. This

15:33

is the cat food morning. Was this

15:34

the cat food morning? Possibly. There's

15:36

a couple mornings. I mean, I noticed the same thing, especially

15:39

in times two. I

15:43

noticed my little codependency

15:45

parts come out to play. Then

15:48

in the morning, I will be watching

15:50

you and then Lolly each

15:52

doing their thing. I'll know that

15:55

what I actually want and am craving is space

15:57

by myself, time by myself,

15:59

that I used to do before

16:02

then, I have partners and a life and

16:04

business and so many things going on. So

16:07

I know that I do love and thrive in that

16:09

alone time and solace, but then when I'm around

16:12

partners or around people I love,

16:15

I sometimes am just like a koala.

16:18

Like I want to attach myself. I want to be next

16:20

to them. So for me, it was a little different

16:22

because

16:23

it wasn't a projection of,

16:25

oh, seeing what you guys were doing for yourselves.

16:28

It was watching me want to

16:30

koala, attach myself to both

16:33

you and Lolly or either or, and

16:36

negating the fact that I actually

16:38

needed to koala attach myself to my own

16:40

heart and my own wellbeing and spend my time.

16:43

But I noticed too then in that

16:45

reflection, what I learned from

16:47

that, like that doesn't feel good. That's

16:49

what happened.

16:51

I'm outsourcing myself and attaching

16:53

myself to other people to

16:55

really betray and dishonor

16:57

my own time that I need to and

16:59

want to be with myself. That's

17:02

what happened. It feels depleting.

17:05

It's exhausting honestly, because the whole

17:07

time in my head, it's like, Jenny, you know, you need

17:09

to be doing something else. Like it quite literally

17:12

is just,

17:13

I don't know, like this mean girl up in my mind

17:15

actively telling me that what I'm doing

17:17

is wrong. I'm aware that I'm betraying myself,

17:20

but then this other part is coming out saying, no,

17:22

you want the love, you're with your partners. It's

17:24

okay. So it's this exhausting

17:27

constant verbal match

17:29

in my mind. And all of those conversations

17:32

and thoughts that are happening back and forth are

17:35

all sending messages and signals to my body

17:38

and creating an actual physiological

17:40

response in my body, in my nervous

17:42

system. It is embodying

17:45

all of those feelings of that self

17:48

shaming or that betrayal or just

17:50

that anger or resentment at myself.

17:53

So in those moments, even

17:55

as they're happening, I can begin to, well,

17:57

as they're happening now with practice.

17:59

I can begin to notice

18:02

all of the what's happening, how

18:04

I'm feeling, I can hear and identify the

18:07

voices,

18:08

and I can see, I can learn something really

18:10

valuable about myself, I might have already known

18:12

it, but now this is just like extra

18:15

driving it home.

18:17

When you are feeling low on

18:19

resources, or maybe there's something

18:21

uncomfortable within that, and I'm

18:23

speaking to myself right now, like when you, Jenna,

18:25

are low on your resources, or there's

18:27

maybe some grief or something within

18:29

that you're needing to tap into, or

18:31

something that's there,

18:34

notice when you then go start

18:36

to koala yourself to other people, because

18:39

usually that codependency conditioning

18:41

for me comes out to play

18:43

when I'm avoiding something

18:46

internally. There's nothing

18:48

good, bad, or wrong about that. I think the

18:50

awareness of that is actually incredibly

18:53

empowering because now I

18:56

can forgive myself for

18:58

those moments and release those

19:01

moments that I did do that. I

19:04

can see that pattern about myself.

19:06

I can forgive that, and in learning

19:08

this about myself, I have more

19:11

wisdom now, and if literally

19:13

in that learning, created

19:15

new neural circuits. I've actually imprinted

19:18

on my mind now this new awareness

19:20

that I've had, and my brain

19:22

is going to, with practice, start

19:25

to notice and identify that

19:27

pattern. Oh, I'm noticing this

19:29

codependency coming out to play. Okay,

19:32

let's note that. We've learned that that

19:34

starts to happen for you when

19:36

there's something that you're avoiding.

19:39

With each opportunity of forgiveness

19:41

or self-forgiveness,

19:43

there's something to be learned there.

19:46

There is a wisdom there, which I truly

19:48

believe is why the act

19:50

itself happened in the first place.

19:53

It is our human nature to

19:55

make mistakes, to evolve,

19:58

to learn from things. to

20:01

find our alignment. That's

20:03

how we come home to ourselves. That's how we

20:05

create lives in alignment with

20:07

our true nature and our heart.

20:09

It's not by doing nothing,

20:11

it's by doing lots of things

20:14

with conscious awareness and reflection,

20:17

and then learning the wisdom

20:19

that was there in that experience

20:21

or event, which I think is why it happened

20:24

in the first place. We have to go through the life

20:26

experience with a conscious awareness

20:29

and in a willingness to feel all

20:31

of the emotions, not just some, but

20:34

all of the human emotions that come

20:36

with a lived experience

20:38

and then allow ourselves to pull away some wisdom

20:40

from it. Speaking

20:42

of wisdom, one of the most valuable pieces

20:44

of wisdom that I've gained from my whole journey

20:46

and recovery of codependency that I'm definitely

20:49

still on myself is how

20:51

important it is to honor myself,

20:53

to create that space for me to have

20:56

limits, for me to have a being

20:58

that is me within my relationships.

21:00

And interestingly enough, as I

21:03

began to create new boundaries and to honor myself

21:05

in my relationships, there's a really pivotal

21:07

moment around my mom's death in particular

21:10

that still continues to come up for

21:12

me. Pinging as a pinging moment

21:15

needed self forgiveness

21:17

or a moment where I carry a lot of guilt. And as

21:19

my mom was declining, I was

21:22

in a healing portion of my journey.

21:24

I was honoring what I wanted and what I needed,

21:27

even within the context of these family relationships,

21:29

where for me historically, it had been the most difficult.

21:32

I was always at the ready when there was

21:34

ever a family issue. So it was really

21:37

interesting for me to navigate those

21:39

couple month period of time where we

21:41

weren't really sure kind of what my mom's

21:43

prognosis would be, how much longer

21:45

it would be. And meanwhile, I was navigating

21:48

everything I had going on professionally,

21:50

personally, trying to navigate what was or

21:52

wasn't happening with my mom, doing it so across

21:54

the country. And the bottom line was

21:57

I didn't make it home in time. And my mom died without

21:59

me seeing. having a final

22:01

visit with her. And that is a moment

22:03

where I still do at times, carry

22:06

guilt, I call it to mind, I beat myself

22:08

up, I hold myself accountable, I

22:10

should have been there, it doesn't, it didn't matter what else was

22:12

happening, I should have been there, I should have somehow known

22:15

she was gonna go at that moment. And the reality

22:17

of it was, it was quite unexpected. The

22:19

hospice nurses didn't even know, we literally got

22:21

a call the morning of and I was on a plane, but neither

22:24

here nor there, I still again had this expectation

22:26

that I had this inner knowing and I rearranged

22:28

my life and I

22:29

be home in time, all in possibilities.

22:33

Though interestingly enough, right, this

22:35

moment in time that I'm holding myself guilty for,

22:37

it actually was so symbolic

22:39

of

22:40

my presence to me, of the fact

22:42

that I wasn't living in self-patrial as

22:45

my automatic go-to anymore,

22:47

that I was actually hitting pause and

22:49

creating intentional moments where I

22:52

was factoring myself in and my

22:54

choice to not make it home in time, which wasn't even

22:56

a choice, it was just how circumstances

22:59

unfolded. I don't have to hold all

23:01

of the responsibility for that having happened,

23:04

though it is so close to the surface and I

23:06

can go down that spiral, not

23:08

even of guilt where I can even feel shameful,

23:10

right?

23:10

I can make that choice to mean something

23:13

about this terrible daughter that I've tried to avoid

23:15

being my whole life and it's just who I

23:17

am at my core, right? None of that is

23:19

helpful. Nothing that happened with

23:21

my mom was in my control. I didn't

23:24

get home in time to see her. I

23:26

have a spiritual belief system though

23:28

that does affirm that I do have moments

23:30

of communication with her. So I

23:32

rest in my assurance of that though. That

23:35

for me still can come up

23:37

and my choice is do I hook, right,

23:40

on that guilt or do I just allow in? Yeah,

23:42

it was unfortunate. It did suck. I

23:44

don't know what it would have been like to see her one last

23:46

time. This is what

23:48

happened. And I can leave myself off the

23:50

hook knowing that I was doing the best

23:53

I could with the information that I had

23:55

to also be caring for myself in

23:57

those moments. That's...

23:59

that comes up that I'm such a horrible

24:02

person story that I think so many

24:04

of us can relate to. That's

24:05

that opportunity

24:08

to intercept.

24:10

It's not helpful to have

24:12

that story though. It's also not wrong.

24:14

It is very much a part of our

24:16

human experience and it comes from a broken

24:19

heart. Like it comes from

24:21

pain and assigning all that

24:23

blame to ourselves because then our

24:26

mind has a way to isolate it and

24:28

in its mind control

24:30

it and resolve it, which really means

24:33

shove it down into the tissues and cells

24:35

of our body for a later eruption or

24:37

inflammation, disease, dysfunction, etc.

24:40

It's human nature to spend

24:42

time replaying those tapes and being

24:44

in that

24:45

story about ourselves. And

24:48

when that happens, when you notice

24:50

that, this is the key without noticing,

24:52

without awareness, without this witnessing,

24:55

you can't do any of this work. So when

24:57

you start to notice that already

25:00

playing story in your head of I'm such

25:02

a horrible person, that's the

25:04

moment to connect to that learned

25:07

wisdom.

25:08

What is it that you learned?

25:11

Intercept it right there. Nicole can have

25:13

that story that you know, yeah, I'm such a horrible

25:15

person. I didn't go home and say goodbye to my mother

25:17

for the last time before she died. But

25:19

what did she just share that she learned about herself?

25:22

This beautiful empowerment

25:24

and awareness that she was

25:26

honoring herself, you're honoring

25:29

you, your own boundaries,

25:31

your own healing, your own

25:33

growth from a dysfunctional

25:35

system that is the conditioning

25:38

from which you came. And now you're out

25:40

here as you in the world carving

25:42

and creating an entirely new path.

25:45

That's not easy, especially when

25:47

the people we love from that

25:49

initial source

25:52

of that conditioning and dysfunction

25:54

are dying, have cancer are

25:57

on their deathbed.

26:01

These are very, as you can see, if you're watching

26:03

the video, I know Nicole's tears in her eyes right now, as she

26:05

was sharing, I had tears in my eyes. They're

26:08

very painful human experiences.

26:11

However, there

26:12

is so

26:14

much like an excavation

26:16

of the soul and of the heart, like

26:19

a true up-leveling of

26:21

your soul here on this earth

26:23

plane, when you can be with

26:26

and see all of that heartbreak

26:28

and still see where

26:30

you've learned from yourself, you know what?

26:33

I really honored myself.

26:34

I honored myself and I honored my

26:37

well-being and I honored

26:39

my heart so that I don't

26:41

repeat the same cycles of conditioning

26:44

and disfunctioning so that I actually

26:47

get to be the one that breaks the

26:49

cycles. Now, we don't have children, but

26:51

if we did, they wouldn't go

26:54

through the same experience that any

26:56

of us here did. I

26:58

appreciate I got choked up when you

27:00

were affirming and acknowledging me, Jenna, and

27:03

very interestingly enough, it just popped into mind

27:05

and I felt like I wanted to share it here, which is

27:08

that in that moment, I have my mom

27:10

to thank too because

27:12

actually,

27:13

several years ago now, gosh, decades even,

27:16

one of my mom's brothers, whom she was very close

27:18

to, my mom is two older brothers and the three of

27:20

them, much like actually your childhood, in

27:22

absence of having, you know, really any presence

27:25

of their parents, the three of them really bonded together. And

27:27

long story short, after a very tragic

27:30

accident when one of my uncles

27:32

was up in age, he ended

27:34

up after being hospitalized, quadriplegic

27:37

for about a year, ended up being

27:39

at the end of his life. We all got a call to come

27:41

in as a family, my mom, my dad, my

27:43

sister, myself, my brother, and we

27:45

were all in the room and my other uncle, his

27:47

other brother at the time. So, we're all sitting

27:50

in the room and it was nearing the end of

27:52

his life and the nurses were there and were letting

27:54

us know and I remember I was sitting

27:56

in that room and I was starting to feel really uncomfortable.

27:59

I was young. or younger. I

28:01

was in my early 20s, I think it was,

28:03

and I didn't really, I was very comfortable,

28:05

uncomfortable with death. I've been uncomfortable and had a fear

28:08

of death for as long as I can remember. Then

28:11

seeing, you know, my uncle and it was,

28:13

it was an overwhelming experience for me.

28:15

So I'm sharing that to say I was, I'm sitting in the room,

28:17

I happened to look over and I

28:20

catch my mom's eye and she's obviously

28:22

very devastated with the whole experience.

28:24

And the better part of that year was very difficult

28:26

for her since he became sick

28:29

or fell the first time. And anyway, so

28:31

she was sitting there in a near stage of breakdown and

28:33

happened to see me catch her eye and

28:36

mouth to me, I

28:37

don't want to be here.

28:39

And I mouth back to her, you know,

28:41

that that was okay. And then if she,

28:43

you know, that it would be okay if she were to want to

28:45

leave and she acknowledged that she did. And I

28:48

took that as my invitation to leave right

28:50

along with her. I wasn't feeling comfortable and I could

28:53

be much more of a support in the separate room

28:55

holding my mom's hand, but sharing that

28:57

to say, right in that moment. So interestingly,

29:00

my mom honored herself, you know, here

29:02

is her brother, the person she was closest

29:04

to, right? We have all these expectations that we should be

29:07

at someone's bedside. And the reality of it was my

29:09

mom gave me a gift in that moment. She

29:11

was actually able to stand in her own presence and

29:13

say, this is too much for me and

29:15

take leave and honor herself in

29:18

that moment. And that moment sticks to me and probably

29:20

was subconsciously in my mind

29:22

when I was making the decisions that I

29:24

was making along the way to, to honor myself.

29:27

And just going back to the idea of control

29:29

that you brought into it, because I play a scenario,

29:31

right? Well, what was I imagining would be so different

29:33

if I did make it home in time. And I think

29:36

a lot of us, what we're imagining is something different,

29:38

right? Her death would have somehow felt different. I

29:41

would have had this, you know, reparative moment

29:43

where in my mom's, you know, ending

29:46

days, that wasn't possible. My mom was so

29:48

cognitively gone. There

29:51

wasn't likely going to be that moment

29:53

of clarity that we're all, you know, imagining

29:56

or fantasizing we're going to get. So again,

29:58

I think a lot of the time when we hold our, We're

30:01

not holding ourselves accountable for a reality. We're

30:03

holding ourselves accountable for an imagination that

30:06

likely wouldn't even be the case at all. So

30:09

going back to that moment with my mom in the room when

30:13

her brother was dying really empowered me

30:15

then to and all of the work that

30:17

I did in decades that followed, right, in creating

30:19

that space for myself. While it was difficult,

30:22

I was still grieving whether or not I was

30:24

there or here or wherever I was. I

30:26

am still grieving my mom. And

30:29

for me, again, honoring myself, just thank you, Jenna, for

30:31

affirming that. Because, again, there is that

30:33

still little child that feels like a terrible

30:35

person. Like I would have, could have done, affected

30:38

some change, felt

30:40

differently, helped my mom in some way. When

30:43

the reality of it is none of that might

30:45

have been true. And the child that feels

30:47

like a terrible person,

30:50

that's an actual little child within you, within

30:52

all of us, that needs

30:55

to be soothed.

30:56

It needs to be acknowledged.

31:00

That is literally that step of

31:03

feeling those feelings. When

31:06

Nicole says that, you're articulating

31:08

and identifying. You might even visualize, for those of you listening,

31:12

the visual of an actual, like, you know,

31:14

a child within you or

31:17

a part of yourself. You could see it as like

31:19

swirling energy or maybe you actually

31:21

see it as another human or a shadow.

31:24

All of these different parts that make us up. That's

31:27

such a natural flow for Nicole to acknowledge it

31:29

in that way. So, yeah, there's a

31:31

little girl in me that feels shameful.

31:33

Well, we can look at that

31:36

in a tangible way. That's an actual

31:39

part of us.

31:41

That needs acknowledging and soothing. And

31:43

in order to soothe that part of us, we

31:47

have to do the painful and comfortable

31:49

thing of actually feeling

31:52

the shame and the hurt and the heartache

31:54

that needs soothing,

31:57

which is the part

31:58

that many people

31:59

of us scoot right

32:02

past or even subconsciously

32:04

we want to scoot right past and we'll go through acts

32:06

of oh yeah I'll forgive myself because I want to release

32:08

it and then a few months later you notice

32:11

all these feelings or shame or guilt whatever

32:13

it may be is all still

32:15

there and it's still there and

32:17

you're noticing it as the feeling

32:20

because it's the feeling that was

32:23

never actually processed

32:25

or addressed we never allowed

32:28

it to be identified and accepted

32:30

in a space of nurture

32:33

and of safety and

32:34

I do truly believe it is by

32:37

divine design that you didn't

32:39

see your

32:40

mom that last time and I know that

32:42

was the first thing that you shared with

32:44

me when you were even on

32:46

the flight there and when you got there

32:49

you knew in the air you had to know it you know

32:51

your body knew before

32:53

the level of consciousness of your

32:55

mind could tap into the wavelength we do

32:57

have this deep internal

32:59

knowing in our body is that's why I love that

33:01

quote there's more wisdom in your body

33:04

than in your deepest philosophy or your greatest

33:06

philosophy it's all here

33:08

in a very felt way and

33:11

your body could feel and

33:13

knew that inherent wisdom that

33:16

she had passed and there was

33:18

also an immediate solace that came

33:20

from you in such a divine knowing

33:22

way that your mom wanted it that

33:24

way I was gonna offer that I actually think

33:27

that back to that room you know with

33:29

my uncle I do think in a way that my mom was

33:31

honoring that for me

33:33

and was you know gifting me that and didn't

33:36

feel you know any type of way about me not being

33:38

there you know felt just as connected

33:40

to my soul and my spirit

33:42

and I do believe that that was her parting

33:45

gesture for me

33:46

was not to you know create

33:48

or have her be a part of that discomfort

33:50

this is exactly what

33:53

I mean when I say divine

33:55

design I think it was your mother's

33:58

souls knowing her hearts you know that

34:01

is what created all of the factors

34:03

at play that had everything play out that they did

34:06

so much so that

34:07

we now have a podcast episode and conversations

34:10

and these events to recall

34:12

and learn from and articulate and

34:14

share outward

34:16

internationally to an entire world

34:18

so that we can find shared resonance

34:21

in our hearts to lead our

34:23

own individual hearts and our collective

34:26

hearts

34:27

down a path of healing. Now

34:29

for those of you who have been tuning in with us

34:31

for a little bit know that just six

34:34

months I think after your mother died

34:37

in May of 2021 my brother

34:40

Jake died in November 2021 and

34:42

two months prior to his death in September

34:47

which was just four months after your

34:49

mom died and really just a couple

34:51

days before your birthday too it was like I think

34:53

September 13th or something I got

34:56

a phone call that

34:58

Jake had overdosed and

35:00

he was unconscious and he was in

35:02

the hospital and then

35:05

ended up being in the hospital for two

35:07

weeks with a double ammonia. You

35:11

can hear the tears you could probably see them too so

35:13

what that lump in my throat is and those

35:16

tears that's just still an embedded

35:19

physiological feeling of yes that little

35:21

girl in me that still carries in me

35:24

some guilt and some shame

35:26

even though I can objectively see the situation

35:29

now and I have learned from it there's

35:31

still emotion to process there's still grief

35:34

there that's what that quiver in my voice

35:36

is and that lump in my throat I can

35:38

see it all from a higher vantage point now but

35:40

there is still grief in my body and

35:43

that's okay I allow

35:45

it to be acknowledged and

35:47

I allow it to process and express

35:49

itself safely and every

35:51

time I do it does feel like

35:54

I'm

35:54

sort of emptying this cup emptying

35:57

this cup of everything that I've

35:59

taken on and held on to

36:02

the safeness that I have found in this

36:04

emotional addiction cycle of it's

36:06

your fault your brother died. You didn't pick up his

36:08

phone call. It's your fault that he overdosed. All

36:11

of those thoughts,

36:13

I get to release that when

36:15

I actually allow myself to feel and process.

36:18

So when he overdosed in September,

36:21

the day before he overdosed, I

36:23

was sitting on the couch. I remember

36:25

I was specifically next to Lolly. I think you were

36:27

in the kitchen because I can

36:29

see you through the hallway of our

36:31

kitchen into our little breakfast area.

36:34

And Jake called my phone and

36:36

I didn't have resources at this

36:38

time. I was in the midst of my

36:40

own healing. We had just moved to Arizona

36:43

a month or two prior.

36:45

I couldn't connect back

36:47

with

36:48

Jake. It was a boundary I

36:50

put up

36:51

for my own self, for my own

36:53

well-being and for my own heart. And

36:55

I remember specifically picking up my

36:57

phone and seeing incoming call from

36:59

Jake.

37:00

And I either hit deny or I just

37:03

let it play out. And I didn't

37:05

get back to Jake. Now Jake and I had been texting

37:07

for a couple days prior to that him

37:10

wanting to connect and wanting

37:12

to chat.

37:13

In the back of my mind, I was concerned that he

37:15

was just going to ask me for money again. So I kind

37:17

of avoided it and put it off. And all of my little

37:20

spidey sense kept coming up to that I

37:22

knew you

37:23

have to set some boundaries here. Like

37:26

this is a slippery slope that does seem like he's

37:28

getting back into addiction. And

37:31

that had been very far removed

37:33

for me. At least seven, eight

37:35

years removed where it was blindsiding

37:38

to say the least that he overdosed.

37:41

And those couple days prior to when he

37:43

had been wanting to connect, I could

37:45

feel in my body. I could

37:47

feel a heaviness on my own in what

37:49

I was going through. But what I was going

37:52

through was also energetically

37:53

a direct connection

37:56

to the unraveling and really

37:58

the pain that he also.

37:59

was going through that I wasn't necessarily

38:02

aware of the details of,

38:04

but thousands of miles away in New

38:06

York. So when I hit

38:09

deny on that call and

38:11

knew that he had been wanting to connect or trying

38:14

to talk over the last week, but we

38:16

couldn't get a hold of each other.

38:18

And then less than 12 hours later, I

38:20

wake up to a text that he's unconscious in a hospital

38:23

and is overdosed.

38:24

I felt awful. I felt

38:28

very guilty. And I know you can hear that

38:30

quiver in my voice now, and you could probably

38:32

like see the tears in my eyes. And I, I

38:34

do want you to know for everyone listening, I'm

38:37

allowing this rawness to

38:39

safely be here and express itself out. But

38:43

also know this is such a great opportunity

38:45

to, to witness that once you've

38:47

gone through like a self forgiveness process

38:49

or you practice this process consistently,

38:52

it doesn't just dissipate.

38:54

I have identified this and isolated

38:57

this experience that, you know, I denied his

38:59

calls. He overdosed the next day. I wasn't there

39:01

for him when he specifically asked for me and said

39:03

that he needed me to be. That's what happened.

39:06

I felt crummy. I felt ashamed. I

39:08

felt resentful at myself. I felt

39:11

angry at myself that I didn't take

39:13

care of myself enough or have all of my

39:15

resources sorted out to just be

39:17

at the drop of a dime available for another

39:20

person. All of those feelings happened.

39:23

What I learned

39:25

was that I really honored myself

39:27

and that I too

39:30

am not the one responsible

39:32

for the fate of another person's life.

39:36

Jake's life was going to play

39:38

out as a direct result of his

39:41

actions. I can be an

39:43

existence and a presence and a love

39:45

in his life, but I don't get

39:47

to be the one that chooses the trajectory

39:50

of it. I can only be responsible

39:53

for myself. And it did give me a moment

39:55

to, you know, a bit far

39:57

removed from the actual presence.

39:59

of that time in September 2021 to

40:02

also really be proud of myself. Instead

40:05

of belittling myself for the fact that I didn't

40:07

have resources then, I'm really proud

40:09

of myself that I identified the fact that

40:12

I couldn't engage in a conversation

40:14

with this person, especially

40:16

given our history and our family

40:19

connection and the dysfunction

40:21

and the addiction.

40:23

I didn't and do not want that

40:25

for my created life.

40:28

And when that was the energy and the embodiment

40:30

of my family, even though it was my

40:33

family and my brother, I had

40:35

to make a choice in that moment.

40:37

You could say quite literally to save

40:40

myself.

40:41

And even saying that statement kind of makes me

40:43

feel like, oh, like almost guilty because

40:45

fast forward, I'm

40:48

the one alive now.

40:49

Jake is the one physically dead now.

40:51

Though

40:52

I share that because you better

40:54

believe that those, well, you don't have to

40:57

believe though. I would suggest believing

40:59

or looking at the direct

41:01

connection of both of those things. In

41:04

that moment, I did choose to honor myself

41:06

and my own boundaries

41:08

and to create a different reality.

41:11

I did choose to save myself. I'm

41:14

still here.

41:16

Jake had a different reality. Two

41:18

months later,

41:19

Jake did pass away. He did

41:22

get down to that final moment

41:24

from drugs that eventually took his life. Now,

41:28

even in those last final months of his life,

41:31

I gave him money. I fell for

41:33

every moment that he, you know,

41:36

made up some elaborate story. And if you've ever

41:38

been around anyone who suffers with addiction

41:40

or coping through

41:43

addiction or substances, whatever it may

41:45

be,

41:46

you may have noticed how incredible

41:49

they are at swaying,

41:52

at convincing, at manipulating.

41:54

They by nature just become so naturally

41:57

profound at manipulation. Jake

41:59

could whip.

41:59

up a detailed story about

42:02

why he suddenly needed $800 for X and asked his

42:04

little sister

42:06

who wanted nothing

42:08

more but to help him, support

42:11

him, believe in him, I would fall for it

42:13

every time.

42:14

I can look back now and see

42:16

that there was a knowing in me,

42:18

there was a ping for sure

42:20

that I wasn't willing to see.

42:24

I instead

42:25

was still in my codependency

42:29

conditioning. I was still in that

42:31

dysfunction and I enabled

42:33

him.

42:34

No, I'm not responsible for Jake's

42:36

death.

42:37

Did I give him money literally in the

42:39

final days? His last text to me

42:41

is a message saying, Hey,

42:43

Jen, you know, I really am going to pay

42:46

you back. I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage

42:48

of you.

42:49

Now, the irony of that message is

42:51

Jake was taking advantage of me. Jake

42:53

knew he was taking advantage of me. He

42:55

also is so smart and so wise.

42:58

He knew that I knew that he was taking advantage of

43:00

me, which is why he sent that text in

43:02

the first place.

43:03

So the money that I gave him, even in

43:05

the final days up until his death, absolutely

43:09

100% went to the drugs that he purchased that

43:11

took his life the night that he died.

43:14

Immediately in the aftermath

43:17

of Jake's death, there absolutely

43:19

was so much pain, so much shame,

43:23

so much belittling. Like how could you

43:25

be so stupid? Look at what you do for

43:27

a living. You're teaching healing and awareness.

43:30

How could you be so in

43:33

it that you contributed and enabled

43:36

so much

43:37

now your brother's death? And this is

43:39

the reality. So even though it may seem

43:42

like as a sister, I had such good intentions

43:45

to support my brother, to

43:47

support my family.

43:49

One month before Jake's

43:51

death, I

43:53

bribed my brothers. We'll just call

43:55

it a bribe. I said, Hey guys, I'll pay

43:57

for your rent this month because I know that you're

43:59

struggling.

43:59

I'll pay for your rent

44:02

if you come over with me to Mom's. I

44:05

flew home to New York for this.

44:06

If you come over with me to Mom's to

44:09

her dilapidated trailer, all

44:11

get us hazmat suits and rent

44:13

a dumpster to sit outside and we're

44:15

going to clean Mom's house. Now

44:18

dilapidated to the actual state that

44:20

it's now bulldozed, it doesn't exist. It was

44:22

uninhabitable.

44:24

However, I,

44:26

because I'm wanting to self-serve, I

44:28

was wanting to fix and to change

44:30

so that I could feel better. I can

44:32

be honest about that. Now, in the moment, I thought I'm

44:34

going to save Mom. We're doing this

44:36

all together. We're going to help Mom. My mom didn't want saving.

44:39

She didn't want help. She actually complained

44:41

and yelled at us the entire time that we're there. Wasn't

44:44

willing to keep any of the cleaning up.

44:47

Didn't want it to happen in the first place. She wanted

44:49

to be in the dwelling that she was in. She

44:52

didn't want that interference. It

44:54

was me

44:55

and my hope and my need to

44:57

control the situation that I enabled.

45:00

I enabled then paying my brothers

45:03

to come over and help me do

45:06

something that was so unhealthy

45:08

and so toxic for us to

45:11

be doing in that home with our mom. Granted,

45:13

Jake, who's doing this with us, just

45:16

got released from the hospital a couple

45:18

weeks prior from a double pneumonia

45:21

and from an overdose.

45:22

The last place in the world that

45:25

he should have been going back

45:27

to was the unsafety and

45:29

the dysfunction of the environment that

45:32

led to his life of addiction in

45:34

the first place. Yet,

45:36

that's what we did. We got hazmat

45:39

suits. We went to my mom's house and

45:41

the three of us cleaned away, threw

45:43

everything into a dumpster, only for

45:46

Jake to die a month later and now for that

45:48

house to literally not exist.

45:50

I have spent the last year

45:53

going through so much grief, so

45:56

much identifying of the shame

45:58

of all of those

45:59

Jenna, you killed your brother. Even

46:02

hearing the voice of my mother still

46:05

alive, connecting the dots, Jenna, how

46:07

could you deny his phone call?

46:09

How could you do X? Borderline

46:12

saying that myself and

46:14

my twin are the ones directly responsible

46:16

for Jake's death. These things aren't easy to feel.

46:19

It'd be much easier in some cases to

46:21

just look away or to choose to

46:23

numb it out and to go into a shutdown.

46:26

And this is why you have moments, even now almost

46:28

two years later, when I talk of Jake anytime

46:31

on the podcast, my voice does start to break. It

46:33

does start to quiver because there's grief

46:35

there. There's still emotion there to process.

46:38

And I can see the divine wisdom

46:41

of that scenario

46:42

now in retrospect

46:44

of

46:44

just how blind I was

46:47

myself to being

46:49

so in my own conditioning.

46:53

I wasn't helping anyone. I

46:55

was enabling deeply.

46:58

I was controlling and I

47:00

was betraying my own self

47:03

and my own boundaries in addition

47:06

to the wellbeing of my family

47:08

members. I'm not responsible

47:11

for my family members' wellbeing. However,

47:13

my actions absolutely

47:16

did harm both myself and

47:18

those around me. I'm really happy you're bringing

47:21

up enabling because that's what enabling really

47:23

is. It's allowing

47:26

or participating in another's

47:28

choices, controlling

47:30

them, right? Brushing

47:32

things under the rug to continue

47:34

to allow patterns that often don't serve

47:36

either person alive in

47:39

the relationship itself. And a lot of times we do

47:41

it because we do feel like we're being well-meaning,

47:43

well-intentional, even loving

47:45

in those moments. But I really wanna reiterate

47:48

here how it is none of our responsibilities,

47:50

we cannot take responsibility for the

47:53

choices another human

47:55

makes as an adult. Now, however,

47:57

going back in time, of course, back to childhood.

47:59

and the many of us who suffered

48:02

instances, moments, total

48:04

childhoods even, of abuse

48:06

and neglect. I really wanna emphasize in childhood,

48:09

we are not responsible for the choices

48:11

of other people. It is not our

48:14

responsibility how people treated us, yet

48:16

I see quite often and used to see in my clients,

48:19

a lot of embodied responsibility. A

48:21

lot of in moments where there was

48:24

abuse or neglect being enacted, a

48:26

lot of judgment on how we've had

48:28

to cope or adapt as

48:29

a result. And what comes to mind,

48:32

of

48:32

course, is many different moments or instances

48:35

of this often comes up in sexual

48:37

abuse, where survivors well into their

48:39

adulthood will feel shame for

48:41

how their bodies maybe naturally responded

48:44

to these intimate moments in their childhood,

48:47

will somehow think that they attract

48:49

it or kind of participated

48:51

in these boundary violations, which they were by

48:54

no means part of, and

48:56

or giving the idea that they somehow

48:58

enjoyed this very violating

49:00

experience. Now, of course, this applies to other

49:03

instances of abuse and neglect as well, though

49:05

the reality of it is a lot of us do carry

49:08

shame for how we've had to adapt

49:10

to other's choices, which we had no control

49:13

or impact over in childhood. So I just

49:15

wanted to again emphasize that here. Never

49:18

are we responsible for another's choices,

49:20

never can we be an adulthood many of us

49:23

try to be, though a lot of us

49:25

hold ourselves accountable for what we've

49:27

had to do to survive and

49:30

really reminding ourselves in the moments while we're

49:32

talking about self

49:32

forgiveness, that

49:34

letting in all of the feelings about what happened,

49:36

about how we've had to adapt and allowing

49:39

in that space for wisdom, I did what

49:41

I had to do to survive

49:43

a threatening moment.

49:45

There's a word that you use

49:47

often when you're describing the bringing

49:50

along of a feeling and that's carrying and I love

49:52

it because you say we're carrying

49:54

that shame, carrying that emotion.

49:57

Imagine, or you could visualize

49:59

that caring. that's that

50:01

emotional addiction cycle. The carrying

50:04

of that shame is actually

50:07

your body, your physical body,

50:10

literally

50:11

physiologically carrying

50:14

the sensations, the actual

50:17

action of that shame in

50:19

your body. And when we are having that

50:21

constant loop of a thought, I'm a horrible

50:23

person, especially if we're

50:25

unconscious or unaware and we're

50:28

not paying attention to the thoughts in our head,

50:30

then even though we're unaware of it doesn't

50:32

mean it's not happening. That means that this background,

50:35

what's become a white noise thought almost of,

50:37

I'm a horrible person, how did that happen? Which

50:40

is what happens when we aren't yet at a place

50:42

to forgive, to identify,

50:44

to feel, to forgive and release.

50:47

And that thought is there, that chatter is

50:49

there. We are carrying

50:52

it

50:52

in those thoughts, even if they've

50:54

now become white noise because they're so

50:57

constant. Every time that thought

50:59

plays, imagine that thought is an actual

51:01

loop in your mind that goes

51:03

down through your throat, into your body, swirling

51:06

all the way through and back up.

51:09

It is literally keeping yourself

51:12

locked in the energetic

51:14

embodiment

51:16

of those emotions. So

51:18

we are literally carrying it.

51:20

It's why we feel heavy. It's

51:23

why so many of us feel like the

51:26

expression, we're carrying the weight of the world

51:28

on our shoulders. Well,

51:29

that's that self blame. The only reason

51:32

anyone would feel like they're carrying the weight of the world

51:34

on their shoulders is because somewhere

51:37

they learn and felt that it is

51:40

their responsibility

51:42

to hold

51:42

the world, which

51:45

as a child, when you learn that it's your

51:47

responsibility to hold the world, you're

51:50

not learning it as, oh, I've got to hold the world,

51:52

make sure everyone's safe. No, you're learning it as I

51:54

have to control the world. It's

51:56

my responsibility to control

51:59

and dictate.

51:59

how everyone and everything

52:02

around me goes.

52:04

That's not reality. That is

52:06

just against natural

52:08

law. So you can imagine when

52:10

you're sitting in that conditioning and

52:13

you're carrying those emotions and it's

52:15

now white noise and we're not identifying

52:17

it, why

52:18

we feel so heavy? Why

52:20

we have no resources. We're exhausted.

52:22

We can't remember things. We're depleted.

52:24

We have no joy.

52:26

You can start to connect it all

52:29

back to this very real learned

52:32

experience that was

52:34

learned and absorbed into

52:37

our physical body. So when you

52:39

do start to notice that

52:41

white noise,

52:43

honor yourself for noticing it. That's

52:45

a huge moment to just celebrate.

52:49

It's massive that you are even willing

52:52

to notice that it's there because

52:54

noticing that it's there comes with

52:56

that second step of allowing

52:59

yourself to then feel

53:01

what's there. And maybe you notice

53:03

what's there and you're not ready

53:05

to feel it. You're not willing to feel

53:07

it.

53:08

That's okay. Even

53:10

celebrate that about yourself. Oh my gosh, I

53:12

noticed it. I hooked into

53:14

an intercepted that thought for the first time. Whew,

53:17

that was a lot.

53:19

I'm not gonna go through the process of grief in

53:21

all of this heartache right now. Nope,

53:23

I just noticed it. Go me,

53:26

let that be. Maybe you notice it 50

53:28

times before you even move into

53:30

allowing yourself to process and

53:33

feel.

53:34

That's okay. But know that

53:36

that is the next step, the actual

53:39

feeling of it. And then the learning,

53:41

this part is crucial. Without

53:43

the reflection of that learned wisdom,

53:46

which can only happen when you've identified

53:48

the event,

53:49

identified how you felt, and

53:51

then allowed yourself to actually feel

53:54

the feelings, then you

53:56

can reflect on what you've learned

53:58

about it. Then, when that event

54:01

starts to play in your mind again or that

54:03

shaming, oh my god, Johnny, you killed your brother,

54:05

I can hook right back in

54:08

with what I learned from that and

54:10

the gentle, loving, wise reminder

54:12

to myself that I am

54:14

not responsible for

54:16

the life of another human

54:18

being. Now I know for all of you who are parents out

54:20

there, I understand you are responsible

54:23

for the beings of the little ones in

54:26

your care. Absolutely. It's

54:28

a different conversation. I'm not

54:30

responsible for the life choices

54:33

that another adult

54:35

makes.

54:37

And that isn't always the easiest thing to

54:39

swallow, but I will tell you what's harder

54:42

than accepting that is

54:44

living a life in denial of that

54:47

and believing that the weight of the world is

54:50

in my controls and that it is in fact

54:52

my responsibility. Because when I do that,

54:55

I'm not living in my own authentic essence

54:57

and I also am not

54:59

allowing in any way

55:01

the possibility for anyone around

55:04

me to be expressed as their

55:06

own beautiful self. I can't hold space

55:08

for anyone because I'm not willing to actually

55:10

see myself or anyone

55:12

else in objective reality.

55:15

As I imagine is clear for those of you listening,

55:18

both Jenna and myself, as we had emotion

55:21

come up, as we each shared

55:23

our moments of self forgiveness. I really

55:25

want to emphasize again, bringing this back full

55:28

circle, how much of a process this

55:30

really is, how much of the upset

55:33

is still alive in both of

55:35

us. Actually after you kind

55:37

of shifted and you were speaking a bit, I was sitting

55:40

here and my right eye started to do a twitchy

55:42

thing. And

55:45

I think it's because I didn't allow myself

55:47

to have or filming a podcast. I didn't allow myself

55:49

to have the full emotional experience. And

55:51

I think that was my nervous system, literally still twitching,

55:54

feeling the emotions still alive within

55:57

me. So as soon as we hit close on this

55:59

podcast, I am. definitely going to go take a few

56:01

moments and be in those emotions

56:04

and emphasizing that to also

56:06

emphasize our always suggestion, which is

56:08

these are beautiful moments to begin

56:11

to practice compassion when

56:13

we're having upset feelings, especially

56:15

for those of us who didn't have the space for them in our childhood.

56:18

Those are the moments where we can shame ourselves, guilt

56:20

ourselves, tell us all of the reasons why we shouldn't be feeling

56:23

what we're feeling. And those are the moments where

56:25

we can expand a bit and begin

56:28

to because compassion also is not

56:29

a overnight experience

56:32

though. If the more present we

56:34

are with our emotions over time, the more than

56:37

compassionate we can be for

56:39

our life experiences. So it

56:41

is through those moments where we begin to practice

56:44

in small ways. We can begin to

56:46

embody that which is self-forgiveness.

56:50

As always, we'd love to hear from you what is coming

56:52

up as you're hearing our own journeys in self-forgiveness,

56:55

as you're thinking about or observing your own

56:57

moments where you might need or

56:59

want to gift yourself with this

57:02

life-changing practice. We'd love to hear from you in

57:04

the comments if you're watching on our YouTube or

57:06

the comments across any of our social media, really

57:08

at this point. And as always, looking forward to

57:11

continuing the conversation with you during

57:13

next episode.