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That's helloalma.com slash s -o -t -r -u -e. I

2:35

should have brought you some. I should have freaking

2:37

brought some. Isn't there an Air One around

2:39

the corner? you sick? No. Well,

2:43

you know, anything can make you sick, right? Okay. You

2:52

do a lot of voiceover stuff. I do, yeah.

2:54

You're on one of these a lot. Cartoons. You're in

2:56

a booth doing some wild shit on I'm on

2:58

the mic, but they would never take this. They

3:01

would never want the visor in. Really? Because...

3:05

I don't know. I guess it warps the sound,

3:07

so they always have you turn it around. Really?

3:09

Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, interesting, right?

3:11

I've only done a little voiceover, and if I wore a hat,

3:13

I'm sure they didn't care enough to have me move it. They're

3:15

like, that's fine. Yeah, because you're a

3:17

star. No, because I'm not you. You can

3:19

do so many. Your voice work is incredible.

3:21

Oh, thanks, Kevin. You know I'm such a

3:23

huge fan. You're comedy in general. I'm such

3:26

a massive. a huge fan, too. The thing

3:28

I want to tell you is about somebody else who's

3:30

a big fan of you. Oh, you said. Okay, so. Okay,

3:33

so you said before we started recording, can I tell you

3:35

something or should I save it for the record? yeah. And

3:37

I said save it. Okay, tell me. Are

3:39

we recording? Well, we're recording. Oh, okay. We

3:42

sneak up on people on this show. see. They never know where we

3:44

started. Oh, okay, okay. Love it. So

3:46

I was having coffee with James Corden.

3:48

Yeah. And he said, you're

3:50

the funniest comedian of all time. James.

3:52

Yeah. James, stop it.

3:55

Yeah. James Corden, you wouldn't possibly.

3:57

Yeah, he said you're a star. Oh, that

3:59

is very nice of him. Yeah, he said

4:01

you're going to blow up and be

4:03

one of the most iconic movie stars,

4:05

like one of the voices of our

4:07

generation. Or he said you already are.

4:09

Well, that's huge for me. obsessed. He's

4:11

obsessed. Did you guys get coffee in LA? We

4:14

got coffee in London. He came

4:16

to see my show. As he

4:18

should. Yeah. And, yeah. He's

4:20

so nice. he loves you so much. He is

4:22

so nice. He's been so sweet to me.

4:24

He called me years ago.

4:26

I was still living in

4:28

Chicago. And I had some

4:30

video do like... know, some kind of

4:33

numbers on Twitter. Not even one of my

4:35

big ones, I don't think. And

4:37

James got my number from

4:39

our Sharon agent. And

4:41

he was like, Caleb, I just

4:43

feel like you've got it. Like,

4:45

you've got it. See, you're

4:47

so good at voices, actually. Okay,

4:50

nailing James. Yeah, you are. He was so sweet. And the

4:52

last time I saw him was also in London. He came to

4:54

my show when I was out there, and then I went

4:56

to see him in a play. And the next day he was

4:58

like, He was like, do you want to

5:00

go get lunch at Soho House? And I was like, well, I'd

5:02

rather die, but let's do it. And

5:05

so we went to Soho House

5:07

in London. And, you know, I

5:09

watched him and maybe I'll text him and ask if

5:11

he's OK with me telling you this. But I

5:13

thought it was so funny. We were sitting at. I

5:15

like by the pool at the, at the Soho

5:17

house, this woman walks up and goes, I know we're

5:19

not supposed to bother people here, but I just,

5:21

James, I'm such a big fan. And I just want

5:23

to know what's going to happen with your, um,

5:25

with your TV show. He's got that TV show years

5:27

ago that they're doing another. And

5:30

he goes, he goes, do you really want

5:32

to know? And she goes, yeah, I really

5:34

do. What's going to happen with this character? And

5:36

James goes, he dies. We

5:38

just, uh, we just filmed his funeral. And

5:41

she goes, oh, my God, are you serious?

5:43

And James goes, yeah. I mean, I don't

5:45

tell anybody, but, yeah, we just filmed his

5:47

funeral and he dies. And she

5:49

goes, okay, well, I'm sorry to bother you

5:51

guys and have a good day. She walks away and I

5:53

go, is that true? And he goes, no. Oh,

5:58

my God. That's

6:01

legendary. That's so funny. And then when we left,

6:03

he was like, how are you getting home? And

6:05

I was like, I'm going to take a line

6:07

bike. And he was like, me too. And

6:09

then he got on a line bike and like line biked

6:11

away from me. I was like, James Corden, you can't be

6:13

on that line bike. Oh my God. They will kill you.

6:16

Yeah. Epic. I saw, well,

6:18

a lady came up to him in the cafe

6:20

with me and he was so nice. He was

6:22

like, she's like, can I please get a picture

6:24

with you? And he was like, when are you

6:26

leaving? And she's like, probably in an hour. He's

6:28

like, come back to me when you're leaving. I

6:30

promise I'll get a picture. It was just so. You

6:33

know I was like thought it was

6:35

so diligent You know he he set a

6:37

boundary But still like you know gave

6:39

this woman which he desperately wanted and so

6:41

sweet I know you got to go

6:43

to a regular cafe. You didn't have to

6:46

go to Soho house. Oh, yeah,

6:48

just a regular His neck of the woods in

6:50

his neck of the woods. Yeah, you had to go

6:52

over there. Yeah Yeah, Soho

6:54

House is such an insidious space.

6:56

Something about it, yeah, just doesn't sit

6:58

right. It's basically, when you ask

7:00

me if I want to go to

7:02

the Soho House, it's like asking

7:04

me, would you like to have a

7:06

picnic in a graveyard? Uh -huh, yeah,

7:08

it's where a lot of dreams

7:10

go to die. Yeah, it's just, ugh,

7:12

it's like project managers, I

7:14

don't know, I just can't, out loud phone

7:16

calls where it's like, no, tell them

7:18

we want 10 million. You know, it's just

7:20

like, ugh, shut the fuck up. It's

7:23

a lot of people

7:25

that maybe are aspiring to

7:27

be, like, have a

7:30

certain kind of stature or something. Yeah, and

7:32

I reek of somebody's guest. No, you

7:34

don't. I reek of somebody's guest. you don't.

7:36

You're the member. I walk in there

7:38

and they go, who are you with? Who

7:41

are you with, sir? You're not a member of

7:43

this establishment. People say that to me often, too. Really?

7:45

They're like, what are you doing here? Yeah. Yeah,

7:47

they often look at me like. You

7:49

know, you're not supposed to be here kind

7:51

of thing. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm usually a little

7:53

maybe disheveled looking or something. Not as nice

7:55

as I look right now. Now you look good

7:57

in my hat. Yeah. But I will say

7:59

Soho House, they have a good burger, maybe. The

8:02

thing is, their chicken bites are to die

8:04

for. Oh, yeah. I haven't had a there. would

8:06

never take this from them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

8:08

I would never take this from them. How kind

8:10

of you. The vibes are insidious, but the

8:12

chicken bites are something special. Actually, I have a

8:14

really bad memory associated with Soho House because

8:16

I got hit by a motorcycle in London. Recently?

8:18

In 2018, fall 2018, I was

8:20

crossing the street at Dalston Kingston

8:22

Station because I was late to

8:24

some meetings I was having at

8:26

the Soho House. And

8:29

the train there only comes, you know, every

8:31

15 minutes. And I was like, fuck, if

8:33

I miss this train, like, I'm going to

8:35

be really late to this meeting. So

8:39

I looked both ways. The cars were

8:41

stopped for traffic. And I was just

8:43

like, I'm clear. I dart in between

8:45

the cars and a motorcycle comes up

8:47

the middle and just decks me. And

8:49

I fly through the air. I'm thinking,

8:51

oh, my God, I'm dead. You know?

8:53

Yeah, you're in the air going, that's

8:55

it. Yeah, yeah. I was thinking, fuck.

8:58

Yeah. And then some angels must have come

9:00

and swooped me because I just landed

9:02

like very delicately on my side. Not a

9:04

scratch on me. I was wearing this

9:06

big North Face winter coat that I had

9:08

just got. And yeah, I just had

9:10

a big bruise on my side, but I

9:13

didn't hit my head. I didn't break

9:15

anything. I popped right up and I yelled

9:17

out to the guy. Both his mirrors

9:19

knocked off his bike and I said, are

9:21

you OK? And then. we got

9:23

swarmed by two like giant crowds of

9:25

people and I was like I gotta go

9:27

I gotta go I'm gonna miss my

9:29

train ran down in the train station a

9:31

doctor chased me down and she's like

9:33

I gotta check you you gotta go to

9:35

the A &E like and uh she was

9:37

like she had a little flashlight on

9:39

her yes she was like she was like

9:41

breathe deep for me she gotta stop

9:43

let's go and um and Yeah, she

9:46

checked my eyes and she's like, you got to go

9:48

to the A &E. But I was like, no, I

9:50

have to go to these meetings. But I'm a little

9:52

bit resentful of the people I had these meetings with

9:54

because I got there and I was like, sorry, Emily,

9:56

I just got hit by a motorcycle. And they're like,

9:58

oh, are you OK? And I was like, yeah, I

10:00

think so. But they should have been like, you need

10:02

to go to the hospital. They should have been like,

10:04

let's take this meeting in the ER. Right. Or the

10:06

A &E, I guess. What the hell is that? But it's

10:08

like, why didn't they? Like, I was obviously in shock.

10:11

You know, I could have had internal bleeding. That was

10:13

my first thought. A real hypochondriac knows internal bleeding. I

10:15

got some real shit, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

10:18

Anyways, I had two meetings at this,

10:20

back -to -back meetings at the Soho house.

10:22

Did anything come of them? Nothing

10:24

happened. God damn it. I know. Fuck,

10:27

right? I wanted to hear, like, that's

10:29

how I sold Nate. Yeah, no, I

10:31

wish. Nate had already been out. No,

10:33

it wasn't sold by then. It definitely

10:35

wasn't out. Yeah, no, 2018. No, yeah.

10:37

How did you pitch that? Nate is

10:40

one of the only specials I have,

10:42

like, sit down and watched on purpose.

10:44

Really? Oh, yeah, dude. I'm a huge

10:46

fan. Thanks, Caleb. How did you

10:48

pitch that to them? Well, Amy

10:50

Poehler's company saw it at the Attenborough

10:52

Fringe. They approached me

10:54

and said, we love your show. Do you

10:57

want to shoot it as a special? And

10:59

obviously I was like, yeah. Yeah,

11:03

I do. Of course I want to do that. They

11:05

pitched it to Netflix, and Netflix

11:07

was like, they watched a tape

11:09

of the show, and they were like,

11:11

we don't know how this would work on

11:13

TV. And they passed on it, and

11:15

then we shot it independently. And then when

11:17

we came back around shopping it to

11:19

people, they bought it. That's

11:22

interesting. Yeah. On the other side.

11:24

Huh. Did you have a little bidding

11:26

war going? Not at

11:28

all. No, it Nobody else wanted

11:30

it. Everybody else said no. Oh,

11:33

yeah, I mean, it was straight to Netflix. That's

11:36

crazy. No, we chose Netflix only. Yeah, we chose

11:38

Netflix only. Can I ask you a personal question?

11:40

Can I ask you a personal question? Yeah, please.

11:43

It's inappropriate. Okay, I like that

11:45

stuff. that okay? You can ask

11:47

me anything. You can cross any boundary you like. Okay.

11:49

Yeah. And then if you just, you know if

11:52

you want to cut it, you'll just tell us and

11:54

we'll cut it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. How much

11:56

you making on those Geico commercials? Oh! Come

11:59

on. Come on, are we raking in? What are we raking

12:01

in on those? a year from

12:03

those that really makes me happy thank

12:05

you so much it's so lucky yeah it's

12:07

so it's like the luckiest job ever

12:09

I always think they're gonna fire me because

12:11

I'm like naked on TV and stuff

12:13

like that and sometimes I post something yeah

12:15

I think they like having like a

12:17

little edgy comedian around They

12:19

like it. Give them a little bit of an

12:21

edge. And don't you feel that sometimes there's like

12:23

a... You guys like that, right? Gecko, right, please? Well,

12:27

that lizard's a sex freak. Yeah, yeah,

12:29

yeah, exactly. Me and the lizard. You and

12:31

the lizard are out there showing off

12:33

your shit. Exactly. Now, I do think that

12:35

there's some execs at some advertising agencies

12:37

and in some marketing groups that are like,

12:39

my job, as I see it, is

12:41

to get some comedians some money. I think

12:43

that some of them see it that

12:45

way. Yeah. Don't you think they go, I

12:47

love this comedian. I'm going to get

12:49

them paid. I mean, they must be doing

12:51

that for me. I mean, it's like

12:53

a full ride scholarship I have to Hollywood.

12:55

Like, there's no other way I could

12:57

make like all my weird shows if I

12:59

didn't have this bankroll cut. Well, you

13:01

know, and, you know, be eating nice snushy

13:03

and stuff. You know, I'm eating sushi.

13:06

You're eating sushi. I'm like, you know, taking

13:08

my friends out to dinner. But, you

13:10

know, I see it as like, I got

13:12

to share the scholarship. Yeah. You know,

13:14

my friends are always like, why you always?

13:16

Picking up the tab, you know? Because

13:18

I'm always like, I got this. And they're

13:20

like, you always do. But I'm like, but

13:22

I got the scholarship. Yeah. I should be

13:24

doing this. I got the Geico Pell Grant.

13:27

Yeah, exactly. I owe it to my community

13:29

in the dorms. I'm like, we artists need

13:31

to support artists. Yeah. So I need to

13:33

pick up the sushi tab. I'm not picking

13:35

up the tab. Well, but come

13:37

with doing it. Come with me. I'm not doing

13:39

it. I tell my friends, even if I go

13:41

out to dinner with a broke friend, I say,

13:43

You're paying. my. Because I want

13:45

you to know that there's individual

13:47

responsibility. Right, right, right, right. Just because

13:50

I make a lot of money doesn't

13:52

mean I'm picking up the sandwiches. You

13:54

can't, in a way, you're enabling them

13:56

to be unsuccessful. If you

13:58

want to be like me, you have to

14:00

suffer paying for the sandwiches. Yeah, exactly.

14:02

You know what I mean? And so I'm

14:04

actually looking out for them. You are.

14:06

Yes. In a way, I'm doing my friends

14:08

a disservice then. I didn't want to

14:10

say it, but yes, you're coddling them. That's

14:13

why all the clowns are like. struggling

14:15

right now. Because they're

14:17

sucking on mommy's teeth. Yeah, big time. Both of

14:19

them. Yeah, both of them. And there's not

14:21

a lot in there. It's funny to

14:23

imagine that instead of both of the teeth, you

14:25

meant both of the clowns. There's only two. Yeah,

14:27

yeah, yeah. It's just you, Chad, and one more.

14:29

Courtney. Courtney. Maybe Zach Tucker. Zach.

14:31

I was going to say Zach. Yeah. But I'm

14:33

like, you know what? I always say to my

14:35

parents, because my parents are like, why are you

14:37

picking up everybody's tab? And I'm like, I'm rich.

14:40

And they're like, no, you're not. Like, you can't

14:42

buy a house. You know what I mean? No,

14:44

but comedian rich. Yeah, we're comedian rich. That's

14:47

good. Also, that's what your parents do. What

14:49

do my parents do? What do they do that they think

14:51

that's not rich? No, I make more than that. They're

14:56

like, you're not rich. Don't pick up

14:58

sushi. I remembered where I'm from. That's a

15:00

billionaire. Yeah, yeah. But they live in

15:02

Pittsburgh, you know? So they're like, if you

15:04

were here, that'd be fine. But they're

15:06

trying to look out. I love Pittsburgh. It's

15:08

a good town. Where are you from,

15:11

by the way? Kansas City. Okay. Oh, that's

15:13

how you know your friends with Kevin

15:15

Morby. I sure am. Yeah. I sure am

15:17

Morby. We've talked about you on Instagram.

15:19

Kevin loves you. I love him, too. He's

15:21

a huge fan of your comedy. He's

15:23

coming to my show this week, I think.

15:25

Are you going to come? When

15:27

is it? April 14th through

15:29

the 17th. I'll be gone, baby. Oh, no. I'll

15:31

be gone. I'll be back to New York. New

15:33

York. Well, I'll be in New York in the

15:35

fall. Really? You promise? I promise. Will you come? To

15:38

your show? Yeah. To your show? Yeah.

15:40

Yes. And we'll be friends? Natalie,

15:44

it's just quick. It's a lot of pressure. It's

15:46

quick. You're in my hat, and you're asking if

15:48

we'll be friends. I mean, friendly.

15:52

Friendly? Wait, do you know what just happened to me?

15:54

What? This might affect our friendship. No. So you deserve

15:56

to know. I do really want to be closer friends

15:58

with you, but I did just get a dumb phone. What?

16:02

I'm jealous. That's what I want, that

16:04

kind of phone. Everyone's already mad at

16:06

me. No, because they go green. They

16:08

go green. But that's what I want.

16:10

And listen, this pisses me off because

16:12

I just went to Disney Tokyo She. In

16:16

order to buy pretty much everything there, you needed

16:18

to have a smartphone. And I was saying to

16:20

my friend, I was like, this is fucked up.

16:22

It's wrong. Because what if people don't want to

16:25

have one of those smartphones? What if they want

16:27

to have a dumb phone so they can go,

16:29

you know, not be tied to something? Listen, I'm

16:31

all for this. I want to have a dumb

16:33

phone. Join me. I might join you. How is

16:35

it? I'm doing both for the

16:37

moment. So I got a new number on the

16:39

dumb phone. Right. And also I went to

16:41

get a new I went yesterday to activate my

16:43

dumb phone at T -Mobile. So this is new.

16:46

Oh, just yesterday. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm

16:48

doing both for a while because I can already

16:50

see like transportation apps like Delta Airlines app, Uber.

16:52

Like a problem for me because you can't get

16:54

them on the dumb phone. Yeah. I don't yet

16:56

have not yet figured out what going to do

16:58

about that. But I'm rebelling because

17:00

I'm fucking tired of what you're talking about. Everything requires

17:02

a goddamn smartphone. I know. I need a fucking

17:04

iPhone to open the menu at the restaurant, to use

17:07

a bike, to plane. I fucking hate it at

17:09

the restaurant. It pisses me off. Yeah, but how are

17:11

you going to ride the bike now? I'm not

17:13

going to ride the city bikes anymore. I'm going to

17:15

have to get my own. Okay, but that'll be

17:17

nicer having your own bike. It will, but they've got

17:19

to stop doing this. Yeah. Let us put in

17:21

coins to get the city bike. It was so nice.

17:23

So I was just in Japan. Shout

17:26

out. Shout out to Japan

17:28

for real. Yeah. And they have all

17:30

these vending machines where you put in coins

17:33

and it's so gratifying to just be

17:35

able to put in the coins and you

17:37

hear it go. Yeah. Or

17:40

a pay phone. I wish we'd bring back

17:42

pay phones. Yeah, let's bring them back. Bring

17:44

back pay phones. I mean, everybody's pissing on

17:46

the ones in London. Yeah. It's a disgrace.

17:48

It's horrible. You know, like, treat them with

17:50

some respect. Like, those are part of your

17:52

history. London's not. They're not acting right in

17:54

London. They're not. being weird over

17:56

there. If they had those pay phones in Japan, they'd be

17:58

spick and span. Yeah. Let me tell you what. Big

18:01

time. I mean, have you been

18:03

there? No. Every single bathroom, even in

18:05

the train station, has a bidet.

18:07

Yeah. And a seat that automatically raises.

18:09

Yeah. And the seat is

18:11

heated. You've seen Perfect Days? Haven't.

18:13

You've got to watch Perfect Days. I

18:15

need to watch this? Okay. Perfect Days,

18:17

Vim Vendors. Running it down. Perfect Days.

18:19

One of my favorite movies of the

18:21

last several years. Really? And you'll love

18:24

it. Watch it fresh off your trip.

18:26

Okay. Because about a wonderful

18:28

man in Japan. Okay. Also, I don't

18:30

know if you noticed earlier, but... said

18:32

hi. When we were talking, I was

18:34

like, hi, hi. That's how they say

18:36

yes over there. God, you've changed. You've

18:39

changed. That's why, I know. I

18:41

just got kind reset. Moneybags, Palomitas,

18:43

switching up on everybody. Yeah, yeah,

18:45

big time. That's beautiful. Thank

18:47

you so much. How do you like living in

18:49

New York? Oh, I love it. Should I move

18:51

there? Yeah. What's going on? Yeah, you really should.

18:53

I know. My family wants me to move there

18:55

because East Coast. Pittsburgh's so close.

18:57

Six -hour drive. Only six. Only six. Six

19:00

and some change. I randomly get a lot

19:02

of work in Pittsburgh. Do you? I'm

19:04

going back soon. I keep getting college gigs

19:06

there. Oh, great. Like Q &As at colleges.

19:08

I just did Pitt, and now I'm

19:10

going back and doing Carnegie Mellon soon. CMU.

19:13

I'm going in there. Wow. I'm

19:15

going to Pittsburgh. You know what's

19:17

awesome about giving talks at colleges?

19:20

Especially ones like, I can never get in there.

19:22

You know what I mean? But they're like, will

19:24

you come talk with us? Oh yeah, they would

19:26

not have accepted me. accept me. And

19:28

you want me to come teach your...

19:30

know, your chosen ones? What's that about?

19:32

I'm doing a lot of college gigs

19:34

at schools anyone could get into. Carnegie

19:38

Mellon is a different story, but I've gone

19:40

to some schools. It's pretty clear they have me

19:42

there as like a I'm best case for

19:44

their students. Right, right, right on. You're

19:47

going to need to get on TikTok if you guys want to make a

19:49

career is what they're saying to these kids. Are you big on TikTok? I

19:51

believe so. Wow. I believe so. I

19:53

don't post on there. It's all Virginia. Shout

19:55

out to Virginia. Virginia does all the

19:58

posting. Shout out, Virginia. That's awesome. The only

20:00

time I hear about my TikTok, we

20:02

have like a million or 800 ,000 followers

20:04

or something on there. Wow.

20:06

The only time I hear about my

20:09

TikTok is, it's happening right now actually, is

20:11

when I have a clip that news

20:13

sources are picking up. And

20:15

by news sources, I mean like resist lib. Right,

20:18

right, right. Like Democracy Now! will sometimes share something I

20:20

say and be like, comedian owns Trump. And then it's

20:22

like, oh God, now I have to hear from these

20:24

freaks. Poned his ass. And you're like, whoa, whoa, I

20:26

don't want to get on his bad side. Like, you

20:28

guys shut up. I'll tell you,

20:30

I'm starting to think differently about talking bad

20:32

about the guy. Oh, really? He's disappearing,

20:34

people. Is he really? Yes!

20:37

I wonder where you go. They're pulling defective El

20:39

Salvador. Oh. To a brutal prison.

20:41

Oh my gosh. They're plucking people they don't

20:43

like off the streets and I'm over here

20:45

talking shit on this guy. Cast shit in

20:47

public. Front street. Keep talking. I want

20:49

to see where you go. You

20:51

better promise. If I keep talking shit on him

20:54

and I get disappeared to El Salvador, you better promise

20:56

to come get me. taking a trip. For sure.

20:58

I love traveling. I

21:00

was just in Japan. This is a really

21:02

fun movie. Maybe he disappears people to the

21:04

beach. And he's like, listen, I don't

21:06

want to, you know, I

21:08

don't want to make your life hard. It's just,

21:10

you know, I have to show people. I

21:12

mean business. Yeah. Have a nice time. He pulls

21:14

them aside. Yeah. He's like, hey, this is

21:16

so not personal. Yeah. Like, you don't have to

21:19

go home, but you can stay here. Like,

21:21

we are going to send you to Barbados. Yeah.

21:23

And just, like, enjoy yourself. Have some fried

21:25

plantains. We're going to shave your head and post

21:27

some pictures of you that look like you

21:29

were in El Salvador. But don't worry. going to

21:31

be fine. Or are they snapping pics? Oh,

21:33

they're doing full social media. We have

21:35

gotten to a level of fascism so quickly that it's

21:37

almost hard to believe. They are doing, like, they're

21:40

doing, like, TikToks of people, prisoners'

21:42

heads being shaved that have been convicted of

21:44

no crimes. And the audio is like,

21:46

na, na, na, na. Hey,

21:48

hey, hey. Goodbye. It's

21:50

dystopic as fuck. Oh, God. I live under a

21:52

rock. This shit makes its way to me.

21:54

And then people wonder why I don't want to

21:56

be on the thing. Yeah. It's

21:59

horrible. Yeah, no. These little rectangles are

22:01

ruining our lives. Big time. I know.

22:03

Because if no one was watching the

22:05

rectangles, they wouldn't make the fucked up

22:07

deportation videos. I know. I was just

22:09

saying, yeah. Our lives are so much

22:12

more difficult because of these little boxes.

22:14

I know. That's just

22:16

how it is now. Or is

22:18

that so ignorant say? Are we

22:20

dumb? Maybe it's ignorant. I'm like,

22:22

it'd be so much easier if

22:24

I didn't have to know about

22:26

all the bad stuff. I'm

22:28

just being realistic. What am I going to do? What?

22:32

Look at me. What am I going

22:34

to do about this? What am I to do about this

22:36

issue? You think I'm going to go head to head with

22:38

this guy? With Trump? Yeah. You think if

22:40

I speak out, anything's going to happen? You

22:42

think he's going to care what I say? He's

22:45

not going to care. Are we dumb? Are

22:47

me and you dumb? Are we? Are we dumb?

22:49

I think. Let's be honest. I think. Yes.

22:52

Has money changed you? I think

22:54

yes. Twice

22:57

over, yes. Twice over, yes. Twice over,

22:59

yes. Dumb and changed by the Geico checks.

23:01

Yeah, big time. I'd love to get

23:03

in one of those. Would you tell him?

23:06

100%. Would you tell him I'd love to be in there? For

23:08

sure. I'm going to get Geico on the phone

23:10

right now. Hey,

23:13

Geico, what can I help you with?

23:15

Sorry, it's still ringing. Ring,

23:20

ring, ring, ring. They

23:22

didn't pick up. Oh,

23:25

I think you're getting a call. Hi,

23:27

this is Geico. We missed a call from you. Oh,

23:31

hey. Sorry,

23:33

I didn't expect you to call back. Yo, yeah,

23:35

what's up? I'm doing a podcast right now. So

23:38

my friend actually was hoping to get

23:40

in one of the spots. I wanted to

23:42

see if we could get him in.

23:44

Caleb Huron. Yeah, could you pitch him? Are

23:46

you certain that that's how you pronounce

23:48

his last name? I

23:51

was uncertain, but I still committed. I

23:54

still said it. Cool, cool. No worries.

23:57

Can you pronounce, can he pronounce your

23:59

last name? Oh, we don't know him. Could

24:02

you tell me a little bit about him? Like,

24:04

just kind of pitch him to us. And

24:06

be glowing about it. Yeah, I

24:08

mean, he's one of the funniest

24:11

comedians of our time. Even James

24:13

Corden has said so. James Corden

24:15

brings him up randomly in conversation

24:17

at cafes. Is he sexy? Big

24:20

time. Is he sexy? Yeah, he's

24:22

got major sex appeal. People want

24:24

him. He gives off, like, this

24:26

effortless air of confidence. Whoa. And

24:28

you just instantly want to be

24:30

his friend. Okay. Like, so likable,

24:32

so enjoyable to be around. Handsome

24:34

as hell. Nice. Okay. And I

24:36

think just overall, just a 10

24:39

out of 10 person. Nice. Natalie,

24:41

it's always so good hearing from

24:43

you. Except, wait, sorry. I

24:45

think he has vision, maybe some vision

24:47

issues. Vision issues? Yeah, I don't know

24:49

if you're going to have to, he

24:51

needs to wear contact for the spot

24:53

if you choose to, but he is

24:55

wearing, yeah, he wears glasses. Would the

24:57

glasses work in the spot or no?

25:00

Let me ask. So yeah, so he's

25:02

wearing glasses. Does that work for the

25:04

look? No. Okay.

25:09

It doesn't work for your look. Natalie, we're going

25:11

to get off the phone with you now.

25:13

We love you so much. Oh, okay. Bye. Thank

25:15

you. Love you too. Bye. How did it

25:17

go? So, it was good. They really like you.

25:19

They like the sound of you. I was

25:21

kind of like, you know, I was like, am

25:23

I talking to Caleb? Am I talking to

25:25

them? That was apparent, yeah. But,

25:29

yeah, no, it feels like... You're

25:32

in a good spot. They're

25:34

going to think about writing you

25:36

in. Okay, just debriefing the exercise a

25:38

little bit. I want to say

25:40

my favorite part of our improv scene

25:42

was probably when I answered your

25:44

phone call and then you said, they're

25:46

not picking up. That

25:51

was textbook classic yes ending. Right,

25:54

right, right. Yeah, I studied at

25:56

UCB. And so I, yeah, I

25:58

have good skills when it comes

26:00

to any kind of improv, long

26:02

form, short form. How did you,

26:04

were you doing improv before you

26:06

did clown stuff? I was doing

26:09

both simultaneously. I was introduced to

26:11

clowning in university. In university. Yeah,

26:13

so I guess technically I was

26:15

doing clown first. But,

26:17

yeah, when I moved out to L .A.,

26:19

I kind of was, like, hitting the ground

26:21

running. Like, I wanted to be on SNL

26:24

so badly. And I was like, I have

26:26

to do UCB. I have to do Groundlings.

26:28

I have to do iOS. So we did

26:30

all those things, like, all at once. And

26:32

then as I was doing it, I was

26:34

like, I kind of miss, like, the theatricality

26:36

of the, you know, clown stuff I used

26:38

to do in college. And then

26:40

I was on set of Pretty

26:42

Little Liars doing background acting. like

26:46

fates just kind of dipped in

26:48

I dropped my cough drop on the

26:50

ground and I said I'm still

26:52

gonna eat this and this girl laughed

26:54

and we got to talking and

26:56

she happened to be doing wardrobe on

26:58

a Cirque du Soleil show and

27:00

we got to randomly talking about clown

27:02

I didn't even bring it up

27:04

she was just like oh yeah this

27:06

clown he's starting classes and I

27:09

was like no way I was like

27:11

I love Clown and

27:13

anyways, I signed up and it's

27:15

called the idiot workshop still going

27:17

Still going. Who teaches that? His

27:19

name is John Gilkey. It's his

27:21

school, and he's like a famous

27:23

Cirque du Soleil clown. Yeah. Yeah.

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true. And

30:07

that's kind of how I

30:09

got into the scene in L

30:11

.A. And now you think about

30:13

leaving it all behind. Yeah,

30:15

for Geico, for Hollywood. I

30:17

know that I'm like a skilled live performer,

30:19

and that's like what I'm most known for,

30:22

but I just got into it to get

30:24

into the pictures. Yeah, you want to be

30:26

in the talkies. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, I

30:28

was doing this so somebody would put me

30:30

in a movie. Hello? Hello? What's

30:32

going on? I don't need to do these

30:34

plays anymore. Ever heard of it? Put me

30:36

in a movie. Oh, God. Can you give

30:38

me a fucking part in a movie already?

30:40

And they're not doing it? Well, listen. Can

30:43

I tell you this? I don't know if I'm

30:45

supposed to say this on the air. But years ago,

30:47

when I got hit by this motorcycle... I

30:49

got cast in this part in

30:51

Seth Rogen movie, The American Pickle. I

30:53

was supposed to be his assistant,

30:55

but my manager couldn't get me out

30:57

of my run that I was

30:59

doing in London to do this movie.

31:03

Couldn't get you out of a run in London to

31:05

do Seth's movie. I know. I'm like, is he

31:07

the worst manager in the world? You still have him?

31:09

No, I fired. Yeah, it's not looking good. Right?

31:11

I'm like, that was a bad call. He was like,

31:13

sorry. He's like, there'll be more. And I was

31:15

thinking at the time, and I was so... I mean,

31:18

I was 20. You're pretty young, aren't you?

31:20

30. Oh, okay, okay. I was 28 at

31:22

the time. Okay, okay. And so I feel

31:24

like maybe I was really stupid, but I

31:26

was just like, okay. But I should

31:28

have fought for it and been like, no, you

31:30

get me out of this. Where was the run

31:32

in London? At Soho? Yeah, Soho. What is the

31:35

repercussion of canceling on Soho? I know. All love

31:37

to Soho. All love to Soho, but then that

31:39

day I was supposed to be filming, I got

31:41

hit by a motorcycle and had to cancel the

31:43

show anyway. And guess what?

31:45

It worked out. And guess what? It worked out.

31:47

We were able to cancel for Motorcycle. We could have

31:49

canceled for Seth. I know. And I'm like, what

31:51

the heck? So, Seth, if you're listening, listen,

31:53

I wanted to do it. Seth listens. Does

31:56

he? Seth. Oh, Seth's a loyal listener. Seth,

31:58

I know you're listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Natalie

32:00

wanted to do American Pickle. They shot that

32:02

in Pittsburgh. I know. Oh, this is horrible.

32:04

was perfect. I know. It was crazy. And

32:06

then the day that I was supposed to

32:08

shoot, I got hit by a motorcycle. This

32:10

is unbelievable. Yeah. Anyways,

32:13

that's crazy, right? Do you know what

32:15

I keep thinking? What? My career's

32:17

going okay. It's going great. But I know a

32:19

lot of producers that aren't putting me in

32:21

their stuff. What the fuck? I'm going to lunch

32:23

and dinner. And they're my friends. But I'm

32:25

going to lunch and dinner. They're going, God, you're

32:27

so funny. I'm going, you have three projects

32:29

on TV right now. Yeah. What do you think

32:31

about me playing guy number two? Yeah, I

32:33

mean, seriously. In two episodes. Slip them in, right?

32:35

I'm saying, can we put Natalie and Caleb

32:37

in some projects? Let's fucking go. I saw you

32:39

in a couple films. I'm in a couple.

32:41

Yeah. But I'm just looking at some of these

32:43

people I hang out with. I'm going, you're

32:45

a big time Hollywood producer. Yeah, let's go. You're

32:47

not going to offer me a small part?

32:49

I mean, give me an under five already. Come

32:51

on, make me a fractional, make me a

32:53

three tenths regular. Get me on the set. Yeah.

32:55

Get me on the set. Come on. Anyways,

32:58

that was my big, I feel like

33:00

that. In my mind, I'm like, that was

33:02

like a moment where I like fucked

33:04

up, where I'm like. Well, there's no such

33:06

thing, don't you think? I don't know.

33:08

You were supposed to get hit by that

33:11

motorcycle. You think so? You were. What

33:13

if I was in this movie with, you

33:15

know, this big time movie star guy,

33:17

and then I just was A -lister from

33:19

there? Seth is wonderful. I love

33:21

Seth. I would do anything with Seth. Seth, I love

33:23

you. I would do anything with you. Thanks for listening.

33:25

Thank you for listening to every episode and texting me

33:27

about it. I really appreciate that. Yeah. The

33:30

episodes come out at midnight. I'm glad he's going

33:32

to hear this. At 1 .33 a .m. And he's on

33:34

it. He texts me every night and says, just

33:36

finished the episode. And it was awesome. I love it.

33:38

You're so funny. Your guests are so great. And

33:40

so he'll do that with this one. But Seth, I

33:42

just want to say. To you,

33:44

Natalie, being in that movie

33:46

with Seth would have done maybe a

33:48

couple things for you. Having the motorcycle story

33:50

to tell on this podcast. You're right.

33:52

I think it's like we look at the

33:54

scales and it's like... Which one? The

33:57

motorcycle one outweighs. Motorcycle story on True is

33:59

going to do a lot more for

34:01

you. Mark my words. I'm marking it. Mark

34:03

my words. I'm left

34:05

-handed. I don't know why when I

34:07

write in my notepad... Yeah.

34:13

Go ahead. Write it down. Write it down

34:15

for me. Yeah. Thank you. What else did

34:17

you tell me earlier? To watch Perfect

34:19

Days by Vem Vendors. Perfect Days. You wrote it down

34:21

then, too, so why would it not still be in there?

34:23

You're right. It was... Oh, different

34:25

page, huh? different page. Oh,

34:27

there it is. Is

34:31

that... Diet Coke. Oh, my

34:34

God. Thank God. I

34:36

thought that was wine for a second. Do

34:38

you kind of wish? I kind of wish. Do

34:40

you kind of wish I was downing wine while I

34:42

was talking to you? of epic. Yeah, or grape

34:44

juice. I was like, okay. Sparkling grape juice? I love

34:46

a grape. I bust one out. We should start

34:48

popping a bottle of sparkling grape juice on every episode.

34:50

Let's pop it. Champagne. Let's freaking

34:52

go. Champagne. You ever popped a

34:54

bottle of champagne? Big time. Of course.

34:56

Popping it in the ceiling. It's

34:58

humiliating to try and do it. holes.

35:00

What are you talking about? I

35:02

always take too long. Oh. I did

35:04

it at a work event recently,

35:06

and everyone's like, you got it! You

35:08

got it! And I'm like... It's

35:10

because it feels that. It can sense

35:12

that you are scared of it.

35:14

You have to just dominate that thing.

35:16

Nice. You know how to work

35:18

those. Yeah. Come on. Nice. That's

35:22

what I'm talking Come on, brother. Come on,

35:24

brother. Let's go. Hey, you want to do a

35:26

voicemail? Oh, let's do a voicemail. Yeah, sure. Put

35:28

on your little headphones. Okay. Natalie,

35:30

I'm just loving having you here. I never want you

35:32

to leave. I know. Can I stay? Yeah. Be

35:35

here till the end of days. Oh, these are nice.

35:37

I forget how nice these are. Yeah. I

35:40

want to know if you

35:42

think it's true that we're

35:45

living in a simulation. I'm

35:49

not sure. Did you

35:51

pick this voicemail? curious what you think. I'm

35:53

kind of thinking we might be. What

35:56

should we do if we are in

35:58

a simulation? Natalie,

36:02

what do you think? Well, I think the first

36:04

move is obviously to do what you did and get

36:06

a dumb phone. Yeah, get us out of the

36:08

simulation. Do you think we're in one? Be real. Okay,

36:10

listen, this is something I think about. I think

36:12

about, listen, I, listen, I always

36:14

tell myself on podcasts, you've got to be wary

36:16

of what you say because people are going

36:19

to think you're crazy if they know what you

36:21

actually think about. I

36:23

think about a lot of conspiracy theory

36:25

stuff. Yeah? Big time. Which one

36:27

are you rocking with right now? Well,

36:29

5G stuff. Oh, Natalie. Listen,

36:32

you've seen the Aries necklaces? Those things

36:34

that protect you from the 5G? I can

36:36

tell you right now that you're seeing

36:38

different things than I'm seeing. I'll

36:41

tell you that right away. They

36:43

advertise me on Instagram, but they're getting

36:45

me, man. Like, I'm about to get

36:47

one to protect me from all the

36:49

5G. But we should answer this girl

36:51

first. Well, I think I might need

36:53

to hear. You're getting a necklace to

36:55

protect you from 5G? Yes. Because all

36:57

the electric and magnetic fields, they're microwaving

36:59

our brains. Someone's scamming

37:01

you, babe. Who are

37:03

we to know? Maybe that

37:05

is happening. Maybe that

37:07

is. happening we wouldn't know if it was

37:09

yeah we wouldn't know i kind of

37:11

don't care if you believe that as long

37:14

as you land on my side politically

37:16

you know what i mean oh for sure

37:18

like if someone's like 5g towers are

37:20

real but i voted for the person you

37:22

wanted i'm like rock on yes yes

37:24

yes yes yeah you can count on me

37:26

good thank you yeah for sure do

37:28

you really think 5g cooking our brains well

37:30

i'm just like what if it is

37:32

you know like i don't think it's necessarily

37:34

100 true but it could be true

37:36

and then If it is true, shouldn't I

37:38

just wear this necklace to protect myself?

37:40

You know, I think me and conspiracy theorists,

37:42

what differs about us is that what

37:44

if kicks a bunch of things off for

37:46

them, and what if is where I

37:48

finish. Oh. They go, what if 9 -11

37:50

was playing? You get off on that, so

37:52

you finish big time on that. I

37:54

finish on that. You're like, ugh. They go,

37:56

what if, and I start coming everywhere,

37:58

all over the place. You're like, ugh, I

38:00

finished. Yeah, I'm fucking shooting yarn all

38:02

over the place. Still

38:06

a string. I'm blasting strings. Nice.

38:08

I wish I could do that.

38:11

I'm doing that up here. I'm

38:13

like going into my clown

38:16

friend's mouth. Yeah. But with

38:18

sushi. But with sushi. Yeah. No, I just

38:20

think, what if? I don't care. What if

38:22

the five -two towers are cooking our brain? We're

38:24

all going to die regardless. Because, well, listen,

38:26

I've struggled with a lot of, this is

38:28

another overshare. like health

38:30

autoimmune stuff. So it got me,

38:32

whenever I started struggling with like

38:34

a mystery illness about eight years

38:36

ago, the Western medical system failed

38:39

me. And so it sent me

38:41

on this rabbit hole of like

38:43

alternative medicine discovery. And I met

38:45

a lot of weird people who

38:47

are conspiracy theorists. Like this one

38:49

guy makes ozone machines in Topanga

38:51

in the woods. And

38:53

I started going to see him. He practices

38:55

medicine without a license and shoots me up

38:57

like with ozone in my vein, which a

38:59

lot of people are going to be like,

39:01

that is not safe. I've done it a

39:03

million times. I'm still sitting here. But

39:06

my friend called the FBI on him. Yeah.

39:09

Yeah. Yeah, and I want

39:12

to say, I have rarely found myself in

39:14

the position of being glad that the FBI

39:16

was called, but I think your ozone provider

39:18

in the woods of Topanga, I'd like to

39:20

see him chat with the agents. I know,

39:22

I would love to see that too. I'd

39:24

like to see Agent Starling kick in his

39:26

door for sure. Yeah. What are you talking

39:28

about? He gives you shots of ozone. Are

39:31

you doing drugs with this man?

39:33

Just ozone. Just ozone

39:36

therapy. And

39:38

coffee enema. coffee enema. He's giving

39:40

you coffee enemas? Well, he doesn't give

39:43

them to me, but he makes,

39:45

like, contraptions. I'm sure he does. That

39:48

allow you to, you know, do

39:50

the coffee enema. It's

39:53

a glass jug with, like, a

39:55

basketball pump on it, so you

39:57

fill up the jug with the

39:59

coffee, and it's, see, everyone's gonna,

40:01

this is, I'm so, I always

40:03

tell myself, don't say this stuff,

40:05

because everybody's gonna think, everybody's gonna

40:07

think, That girl's crazy.

40:09

And it's like, I know.

40:12

It's crazy. It is. When I'm

40:14

looking in from the outside,

40:16

I'm like, that girl's crazy. I'm

40:19

just worried about you a little

40:21

bit, obviously, because I'm like, what are

40:23

in the ozone shots? It's just

40:25

ozone. What does that mean? What

40:28

does that mean?

40:30

It's pure ozone gas. What?

40:34

He like has an ozone machine.

40:36

He fills up. Am I

40:38

dumb or am I losing my

40:40

mind? What do you mean?

40:42

the gas that covers the earth.

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Thank you, SeatGeek! It's

43:19

O3, so it's made of

43:21

three oxygen molecules, and you have

43:23

to make it in a

43:25

machine. You put oxygen, you attach

43:27

oxygen to a machine, and

43:29

it, like, sends it through this

43:31

electromagnetic thing that supercharges the

43:33

oxygen, and it creates ozone. I

43:35

don't know exactly how it

43:37

works. I'm sure somebody's going to

43:39

say, okay, thank

43:43

you for your info. And

43:47

so he fills up like

43:49

a vial with what are these

43:51

things called? A syringe? Yeah. With

43:54

the ozone gas. And as

43:56

long as it's pure ozone and it doesn't have

43:58

any nitrogen in it, it's totally safe to

44:00

put it in your body. As

44:02

long as there's no air bubbles or anything like

44:05

that. that'll kill you. Because you'll die. Yeah. You

44:07

have an embolism and die. Yeah. Listen,

44:09

I haven't done it in over a year. Does

44:11

that make you feel better? You're clean. You're clean

44:13

on ozone. clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was it

44:15

doing for you? track marks. So ozone,

44:17

like, you can get it done, like, at a

44:19

doctor's office. But I was just going to this guy

44:21

in the woods because I was like, I lost

44:23

God a little bit. You know what I mean? lost

44:28

faith in the medical system because I was feeling

44:30

so sick and this was the only thing that was

44:32

helping me. That makes total sense to me, by

44:34

the way. There's nothing weird about Western medicine not helping

44:36

you with something when you feel sick and then

44:38

you starting to go, what else is out there? Yeah,

44:40

exactly. That makes a lot of sense to me.

44:42

Okay, okay. Okay, well, I'm glad we

44:44

got there. Well, I don't know if

44:46

we're there because I still have a lot

44:48

of questions about this man you're seeing in the

44:50

woods. Yeah, but back to the simulation thing.

44:52

And we can talk about this guy all you

44:54

want. It's funny

44:56

that she mentions, are you living

44:58

in a simulation? Because I had an

45:01

epiphany a couple months ago where

45:03

I realized, are the game makers... having

45:05

us play sims like have they

45:07

made sims for us to play

45:10

because that's essentially how they're playing

45:12

us and if so is the

45:14

cheat code to our lives rosebud

45:16

exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point like

45:18

should i just be meditating saying

45:20

rosebud exclamation point exclamation point and

45:22

get all the money that i

45:24

want so in sims if you

45:26

say rosebud if you put in

45:28

the cheat code rosebud exclamation point As

45:31

many exclamation points as you want, that's how

45:33

much money you get. It just fills up your

45:35

bank account with cash, with that cheat code.

45:37

Let's try it right now. Rosebud,

45:39

exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation

45:42

point, exclamation point, exclamation point,

45:44

exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation

45:46

point, exclamation point, exclamation point,

45:48

point, exclamation point, point. I

45:50

think I'd be good with that amount. I think

45:52

that's at least $10K right there. So you think

45:54

we might be... sims operated

45:56

by people that you're calling the game

45:58

makers yeah yeah that one i'm actually

46:00

not i'm not off board with oh

46:02

okay that one i think i can

46:05

actually rock with yeah i don't see

46:07

why not yeah it wouldn't change anything

46:09

for me i still have to do

46:11

my sim tasks Exactly. That would

46:13

actually be comforting to me. And somebody's still playing

46:15

you. Like, who do you think is playing

46:17

you? They, like, designed you. A lot of gay

46:19

guys, I'll tell you that much. The

46:22

stuff they have you doing? I'll tell you who's

46:24

playing me, Natalie. A lot

46:26

of gay men in New York City. Oh, wow.

46:30

I could take a page out of that

46:32

book. Hey, whoa. I haven't gotten any action.

46:34

You're not getting laid? No, not in a

46:36

I find that impossible to believe. Somebody, please. Somebody

46:41

help me. Help.

46:45

Help. Help. Somebody help. Help. No, it's

46:47

been a minute. Like, I'm a

46:49

nun at this point. I'm celibate. I

46:51

want to know if someone from

46:53

the office will come in here if

46:55

we yell help. Yeah. Help. Help.

46:59

Actually, that's kind of scary that maybe

47:01

we've been yelling help and nobody's come.

47:03

Yeah. No, it's definitely like it's our

47:05

society. Yeah. I

47:07

think this all points back to the phone.

47:10

It's society, man. They're probably out there

47:12

scrolling Tic Tac. Yeah, big time. And also

47:14

that's why I'm not getting any action

47:16

is because everybody's scrolling Tic Tac. If they

47:18

would get a dumb phone, your shit

47:20

would be wrecked. Big time. You'd be getting

47:22

run through. 100%. I'd be the Titanic.

47:24

Yeah. Just split in half. Somebody iceberg me.

47:27

Yeah, they'd be iceberging my ass out there. I wouldn't

47:29

be able to walk down the street without getting an

47:31

iceberg up my ass. I

47:35

don't, where are you looking for,

47:37

what are you, by the way, what

47:39

are you into? Listen. Is there

47:41

a gender that you're rocking with? I

47:43

skew hetero. Fuck. But sometimes chick.

47:45

Nice. But it depends. I think I'm

47:47

more attracted to like people's personalities.

47:49

Oh, I've met people like you. Yeah.

47:51

I forget what they call it.

47:53

I think they're calling it pan these

47:55

days. Yeah. I don't know. But

47:57

I don't feel like it's fair for

47:59

me to identify as something because

48:01

I haven't like really, I'm kind of

48:03

a loser. What? Like,

48:06

I've been celibate for over two years, so

48:08

I feel like right now I can't really

48:10

identify. I think you're a Volcel, though. Yeah,

48:12

I'm Volcel. I'm Volcel, for sure. Because there's

48:15

people lining up. Somebody would. People

48:17

are dying. I could, but right now,

48:19

like, I'm banned from Hinge. What? What'd

48:21

you do? Listen, I don't

48:23

think I did anything wrong. During

48:27

COVID, I made, like, a

48:29

scary profile. What do you

48:31

mean? Like, I was just kind of bored

48:33

and I was annoyed with people, like, just

48:35

swiping on, you know, whatever. They were, like,

48:37

just giving me the swipe. And I was

48:39

like, you don't actually like me. You're just

48:41

swiping. Like, people just swipe. They're like, oh,

48:43

yes, yes, yes, yes. And then you try

48:45

to talk to them and they don't. you

48:47

know, they don't say anything. And I'm like,

48:49

so I was like, I wonder if I'll

48:51

get maybe a more niche audience if I

48:53

make a profile a little more specific, like

48:55

maybe somebody, you know, more with my sense

48:57

of humor might like this kind of thing.

48:59

Anyway, I don't know what I was doing

49:01

a social experiment, I guess. I changed my

49:03

name to nobody. And then I made

49:05

the pictures a dark picture of my eye, my

49:08

tongue, my teeth. And

49:11

I answered the prompts in a sort

49:13

of scary way. Like what? Give an example.

49:15

If it was like, how will I

49:17

know if you and I will get along?

49:20

I said, if you can shut your

49:22

fucking mouth. Okay. Yeah. Hot.

49:24

Kind of hot. ban for that. Exactly. of

49:26

hot. What the fuck? That would kill on

49:28

field. Yeah. Right?

49:31

So it's like, you know,

49:33

why am I banned for this? And then I

49:35

wrote an appeal. Denied. What else did you do

49:37

on there? Was there anything more scary than that?

49:39

That's it. No. Nothing more

49:41

scary. I feel... I almost don't

49:43

believe you. Is that crazy? Please,

49:46

you gotta believe me. You didn't do anything else

49:48

scary on there? Were you messaging people? so honest.

49:50

Look, I'm so honest. Like, I told everybody here

49:52

my coffee enema stuff. Yeah, you did bring up

49:54

the ozone shots. me. Okay, I trust you. I

49:56

trust you. I'm sorry. That was fucked up me.

49:58

But maybe people are gonna be like, she's trying

50:00

too hard to be honest. She's hiding something. Why

50:03

you brought that idea up? That's because I'm

50:06

honest. What are you hiding? I crossed my

50:08

mind. Do you think you're hiding something? Absolutely

50:10

not. No? No. Never in life? No.

50:12

I wish I hid more. Yeah, I don't

50:15

are. Like, I didn't want to say I'm

50:17

celibate. Oh, my God. So embarrassing.

50:19

And every time I say it on every

50:21

podcast, I'm like, I need to get fucked. But

50:23

it's like, and then I watch it back because,

50:25

you know, they use it for a clip or

50:27

something. And I'm like, what? Why did you say

50:29

that? Do they use it for a clip

50:31

or something? always used for clips. Well, we don't

50:33

want to use a clip you don't want. Do

50:35

you want to give us a usable clip right

50:37

now? Give us a clip right now. I'm

50:40

getting laid 24 -7.

50:42

I'm just like, I'm

50:44

turning people away. Really? Yeah.

50:47

You're getting fucked all the time? Big time.

50:49

And it's like, I'm tired. Like, leave me

50:52

alone a little bit, you know? Yeah. And

50:54

maybe I don't want that for the clip.

50:56

Okay. Do you want to try another one? Let

50:58

me think. What would be a good clip?

51:00

I could also cue you up for something if

51:02

there's a way you want to come across.

51:04

How do you want to come across? Somebody

51:07

chill, not desperate,

51:10

somebody confident and fun to

51:12

be around. Natalie, okay,

51:14

you ready? Yeah. Natalie,

51:17

I always see you in a skimpy

51:19

two -piece at the beach drinking Coronas with

51:21

the boys in a platonic way. Can

51:24

you speak on that?

51:26

That's just how I am.

51:28

I'm really... in my own

51:30

skin and my body and I like to

51:32

kick back that way on the weekends. Yeah. That's

51:35

awesome. And you also make a lot

51:37

of money but in an unpretentious way, right?

51:39

Yeah. You make like two or three

51:41

billion a week or something? Exactly. And so

51:43

much money that I don't really even

51:45

like to think about it or talk about

51:47

it. You also put out but only

51:49

for like a guy who's really the right

51:51

guy, right? Yeah. I have to be

51:53

in love with whoever it is. Yeah. Yeah.

51:55

God, you're like the perfect girl. Thank

51:58

you. Thank

52:00

you so much. It's

52:04

crossed my mind a lot, but I can't say

52:06

it myself. Because you're so humble. I'm really humble.

52:08

Yeah. Then we'll cut the clip there. It's nice

52:10

to hear somebody else say it. Yeah. Did that

52:12

feel like a good one? That felt really good.

52:14

Okay, nice. Thank you so much. Do you want

52:16

me to tee you up for anything? Yeah. I

52:18

want to come across. Tee me up for a

52:21

clip where I come across as like. A

52:23

nice guy who's not afraid to go

52:25

there. Oh. But is like a deep down

52:27

good guy. Deep down good guy but

52:29

not afraid to go there. Keep me up

52:31

for that. Okay, okay. Deep down

52:33

good guy but not afraid to go there. And

52:35

also someone who doesn't currently kind of have the sniffles.

52:38

Oh, you have the sniffles? A little bit, but I don't

52:40

want that to come across. Okay. So...

52:47

Okay, so you have a

52:49

Tesla and you've been

52:51

driving it all the time,

52:53

but just because it's

52:55

good for the environment, not

52:57

because you support the

52:59

company or anybody that is

53:01

behind the company or

53:03

anything like that. Yeah. And

53:05

you are taking a

53:07

lot of supplements recently, I've

53:09

heard, for your immune

53:11

system. Yeah. Should

53:15

I try again? Yeah, I don't think

53:17

that one's going to. I don't think

53:19

me being a Tesla owner and a

53:21

pill addict is going to put it

53:23

over the was trying to like, yeah,

53:25

yeah, yeah. Okay, so we want to

53:27

put out there that like you're in

53:29

good health and. Okay,

53:35

so. I heard recently that

53:37

somebody saw you pumping iron

53:39

at the gym drinking a

53:42

green juice week. That's humiliating,

53:44

yeah. I do that all

53:46

the time. You were also

53:48

platforming at the gym and

53:50

making a speech about the

53:52

stock market and also something

53:54

about El Salvador prisoners. rights.

53:56

Human rights. Human rights. Yeah,

53:58

you were platforming at the gym in the

54:00

weight room about human rights. Yeah. Oh, that's

54:03

so embarrassing. I ask people not to share

54:05

that stuff about me. Oh, okay. Because I

54:07

don't want the attention from it. Right. But

54:09

yeah, I guess I was doing my daily

54:11

thing where I lift weights and drink green

54:13

juice and platform human rights at the gym.

54:15

Yes. That's just something I do. okay.

54:18

That's just my mornings. Oh, so it's just

54:20

part of your regular schedule. Yeah, I'm happy

54:22

to do it. I mean, God, it's finding

54:24

time to work out when you volunteer so

54:26

much is hard. Right. I

54:28

make it all work. And somebody said

54:30

that you were giving out weights

54:32

at the homeless shelter they saw you

54:34

a couple weekends ago doing that.

54:36

Well, they deserve to lift, too. Exactly.

54:38

Just because they're unhoused doesn't mean

54:40

they should be fat. Right. Yeah, And

54:43

fugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And

54:45

you also brought a green juice truck

54:47

to the shelter as well? I

54:49

give them green juice as well, yeah.

54:51

Wow. They're people to me. Oh,

54:53

okay, okay. That's a hot take.

54:55

You weren't afraid to go there, were you? Unfortunately, yeah. Unfortunately,

54:57

it is a hot take. It should be everyone's take.

54:59

But just because you're in a house doesn't mean you shouldn't

55:01

have green juice and weights. Well,

55:04

thank you for saying that. I won't

55:06

give them housing, though. Right, right. It's

55:08

too expensive. Okay, okay. That's fair.

55:11

Well, you volunteer at the place that

55:13

does give them housing. Yeah, yeah. Wow, you

55:15

weren't afraid to go there. That was

55:17

a brave thing to admit. I'll just go

55:19

there sometimes. Do you have any controversial

55:21

takes you want to go there on? Yeah,

55:24

I mean. Maybe

55:26

what's so true to you. What's so true to

55:28

me, I feel like people are going to

55:30

be like, of course this girl thinks this. But

55:34

I think we should

55:36

be drinking raw milk. What?

55:38

Yeah. Natalie. It's

55:40

really good for your immune system. It

55:45

just has a lot of benefits in it.

55:47

And actually, people who

55:49

are lactose intolerant have

55:51

an easier time digesting

55:53

it because it has

55:55

naturally occurring lactase from

55:58

the probiotics. The byproduct

56:00

of the bacteria in

56:02

it is lactase. I

56:04

can't tell. I'm going to be honest with you. I

56:07

can't tell if you're a genius and I'm

56:09

an idiot sheep. Because

56:12

what you're saying sounds really convincing. And I actually don't

56:14

know enough about raw milk. I just know that

56:16

a bunch of people I don't like are pro -raw

56:18

milk. Right, right. And a bunch of people I do

56:20

like think that they're idiots. And so that's kind

56:22

of where I've fallen in. I know. But you're somebody

56:24

I'm like who is smart. This is where I

56:26

feel so conflicted. Thank you, Caleb. This

56:28

is why I'm so embarrassed to

56:30

share is because so many

56:33

unlikable people are pro -raw milk. The

56:36

raw milk community has a

56:38

likability problem. I know. And I

56:40

don't want to be like...

56:42

know conflated with them and so

56:44

i just like i feel

56:46

like i'm at a crossroads here

56:48

because like a lot of

56:50

like my education from having my

56:53

uh mystery illness like kind of

56:55

dipped me into like this

56:57

world of unlikable like weird people

56:59

um but i kind of

57:01

have like a soft spot in

57:03

my heart for them because

57:05

i see where they're coming from

57:07

yeah and some of the

57:09

info they gave me helped me

57:12

through some tough times you

57:14

know so yeah it's like so

57:16

when they say shit about

57:18

5g and stuff i'm like Yeah,

57:21

maybe maybe you know, I think

57:23

like yeah, maybe but then I'm

57:25

thinking like all my friends who

57:27

I think like are smart and

57:30

are like this is fucking Bullshit

57:32

stuff, you know, I see what

57:34

they're saying to like my friend

57:36

who called the FBI on me

57:38

She is like on the total

57:40

opposite side of the pond, you

57:42

know what I mean? Like

57:45

she. My

57:47

friend who called

57:49

the FBI on me

57:51

is so funny. Shout

57:54

out Carrie Poppy. Shout out. I

57:56

don't think she'd mind me saying.

57:59

But. Like.

58:05

You know what I mean? She's more

58:07

in the camp of people like you're

58:09

saying who think the raw milk people

58:11

are stupid and stuff like that. But

58:13

when you get down to the brass

58:15

tacks of this milk, it's a magic

58:17

milk, dude. And it's fucking tasty as

58:19

hell. It's so good and creamy. Where

58:22

are you even getting this? I should

58:24

have brought you some. I should have

58:26

freaking brought some. Isn't there an air

58:28

one around the corner? you sick? No.

58:30

Well, you know, anything can make

58:32

you sick, right? Okay. Okay,

58:37

and now I kind of see where

58:39

we're at. You have to get it

58:41

from like a farm that takes really

58:43

good care of their cows and stuff

58:45

like that. And, you know, a lot

58:47

of these farms that sell raw milk,

58:49

they flash test it to make sure

58:51

it's in good condition and it's not

58:53

contaminated with any sort of toxins or

58:55

bacteria or anything. But

58:58

so it's just easier for... intolerant

59:00

people to digest it because of the

59:02

naturally occurring lactase. And it's beneficial

59:04

to your immune system because there's probiotics

59:06

in it because, you know, what

59:08

do babies drink when they first come

59:10

out? Milk, right? And so it's

59:12

the thing that baby cows use to,

59:14

you know, kickstart their immune system.

59:16

What would you say to someone who

59:19

says, but we're not cows? Exactly.

59:21

That's what I was thinking. We're not

59:23

cows. I would just say, like,

59:25

well, that's true. Like,

59:27

that is true. But,

59:29

you know, there's also, but even

59:31

though we're not cows and it's primarily,

59:34

like, you know, creative for the

59:36

cow's immune system, we still reap some

59:38

benefits from it. And I would

59:40

also say, like, well, we're, you know,

59:42

this is another thing. Listen,

59:44

I have a lot of vegan friends, I

59:46

just want to say. But I will also

59:48

say, this is so true, okay? We're

59:51

at the top of the food chain, people. We're

59:53

at the top of the food chain. That's

59:57

why we eat cows. Yes. Because

59:59

we're at the top. Say that.

1:00:02

And also, like, that's not really a reason

1:00:04

for not eating cows. I guess that's

1:00:06

a reason for not eating milk. Like, you're

1:00:08

not a cow, so don't drink the

1:00:10

cow's milk. But we're at the top of

1:00:12

the food chain. Speaking of the vegan

1:00:14

thing, though, and being at the top of

1:00:16

the food chain, do you ever have,

1:00:19

like, a woke lib? where

1:00:21

you go total vegan brain. Like,

1:00:23

for example, there was a spider the other day that was

1:00:25

crawling on the floor. I doubt he could have ever done

1:00:27

anything to me. And I went, I had an impulse to

1:00:30

go and step on him. Oh, right. Because I didn't want

1:00:32

him crawling around. Because I don't think if I fall asleep,

1:00:34

he might crawl on my mouth or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:00:36

Or what if he's poisonous and he does end up biting

1:00:38

me? Yeah. And then right when I

1:00:40

went, I raised my foot over him. And then I

1:00:42

said, if I was his size and he was

1:00:44

mine, I would not want him to do that to

1:00:46

me. Right. And I had a moment where I

1:00:48

thought. Maybe I'm vegan. Oh, yeah.

1:00:50

No, I have that with bugs. Like,

1:00:52

I won't kill bugs or anything

1:00:55

like that. I won't kill spiders. There

1:00:57

was a huge spider nest, like,

1:00:59

in my apartment. Like, in this corner,

1:01:01

there was just, like, maybe,

1:01:03

like, 50 spiders I saw once

1:01:05

when I moved a chair. And a similar

1:01:07

lady, I was just like, I'm not going to

1:01:09

touch it. I don't. That's

1:01:11

not what I was saying. No,

1:01:19

I think you should have probably, I'm

1:01:21

not like, I'm not like kill those guys,

1:01:23

but did you get them out of

1:01:25

there? Well, I moved. Okay. So

1:01:29

that was, I was living in Venice and I

1:01:31

recently moved to Eagle Rock. So that was in my

1:01:33

place in Venice. Yeah. You got far away from

1:01:35

those spiders. Yeah, but pretty much every night when I

1:01:37

was living there, I had a bunch of spider

1:01:39

bites when I woke up. But

1:01:41

I was just like, they live here. So

1:01:45

I guess in a way I am

1:01:47

like woke lib. That's the thing that I'm

1:01:49

scared about people thinking I'm like, you

1:01:51

know, like, what's the opposite of woke lib?

1:01:54

A bad guy. A bad guy. Yeah, I

1:01:56

don't want people to think I'm a bad

1:01:58

guy because I'm in a raw milk, but

1:02:00

a lot of raw milk people are bad

1:02:02

guys. Yeah. Right? I can't get over Venice

1:02:04

to Eagle Rock. Oh, the move. What changed

1:02:06

in you? Well, I moved to

1:02:09

Venice during COVID because I was like, I

1:02:11

love the beach and nothing's happening over

1:02:13

here. And then I lived there for four

1:02:15

years and I just got sick of

1:02:17

driving back and forth for shows all the

1:02:19

time and stuff. Yeah, pretty simple explanation

1:02:21

as it turns out. Yeah, it turns out.

1:02:25

Do you think I'm a bad person? No,

1:02:27

I really don't. Okay. I have some

1:02:29

really tough questions for you about several topics.

1:02:31

Yeah. I would love to meet some

1:02:33

of the people that you're fraternizing with and

1:02:36

suss them out myself. I

1:02:38

have to like, this guy from Topanga,

1:02:40

you have to meet him. You

1:02:42

would love him. I think with supervision

1:02:44

and in a public space. He

1:02:46

makes his own currency called the Zeron.

1:02:49

Let me see if I can find this. Natalie,

1:02:51

it's not helping. No, find it. It's

1:02:54

just not helping his case at all. Okay.

1:02:58

What do you mean? What do you mean

1:03:00

he makes his own currency? Who's engaging in

1:03:02

it with him? I think

1:03:04

it's just like... you

1:03:06

know he can't actually

1:03:08

use it obviously here's

1:03:10

the xeron okay here's

1:03:12

the xeron godzillion international

1:03:15

notes of enthusiasm i

1:03:17

mean it's not not

1:03:19

cool yeah yeah yeah

1:03:21

but if you Read

1:03:23

the fine print. You'll

1:03:25

get into his head

1:03:27

a little bit. International

1:03:29

Bank of Enthusiasm. It's

1:03:31

a symbol for the in -between of all

1:03:33

opposition. When you understand the blank, you know

1:03:36

it's never been about this or that it's

1:03:38

been this and that from the get -go. There's

1:03:40

a zero or nothing on this side and

1:03:42

a one or something on that side. With

1:03:44

every conceivable thing in between. But this is

1:03:46

his currency, by the way. It has an

1:03:48

essay on it. Between the

1:03:50

banks of nothing and something, the river of

1:03:53

everything flows. We are in that. Bars, actually.

1:03:55

We're in that flow, and everything is there,

1:03:57

and we are that. So if you know

1:03:59

that you still want more, you're a moron.

1:04:01

Don't worry, though. You're moron. Life will provide

1:04:03

a lesson, maybe a series

1:04:05

of lessons, so you can get

1:04:07

your groove on by understanding

1:04:09

the value of Zeron. Right

1:04:12

on. Right on. And

1:04:15

also, the thing about people that I

1:04:17

think are crazy is every third or fourth

1:04:19

sentence of their diatribe will hit like

1:04:22

crazy. Right, right. Wait, let me see if

1:04:24

I can find the other side to

1:04:26

it, Godzilla. Oh, here's the other side. It

1:04:28

has Godzilla on it. Yeah, that makes

1:04:30

sense. I figured it would. Oh,

1:04:32

and a lot more text. Okay. I

1:04:34

mean, you can't even really understand how

1:04:36

small the text is. The extent that we

1:04:38

impose our will on another is the

1:04:40

gauge of our own enslavement. The

1:04:43

Dominator model doesn't work, never did.

1:04:45

Those who engage in imposition are imposters,

1:04:47

attempting the impossible. I mean,

1:04:49

he's not not cool. Yeah, yeah,

1:04:51

exactly. I'm not letting him

1:04:53

give me shots of any kind for any reason.

1:04:55

Yeah, no, you wouldn't need to. But I'd take

1:04:57

a piece of his money and look at it.

1:04:59

Sure, why not? I'll try to find one for

1:05:02

you. bring it to New York for you.

1:05:04

That would mean the world to me. Yeah, of course. Are

1:05:06

you pretty close to giving your possessions to him and

1:05:08

moving on to a plot of land that he owns? I

1:05:10

was at a point, like a low

1:05:12

point. That's pretty scary.

1:05:15

I moved to Topanga during this

1:05:17

low point because I was like... Yeah,

1:05:19

just so sick all the time, and this

1:05:21

guy was helping me, and I just felt like

1:05:23

I needed to be in the woods. Yeah. Yeah.

1:05:27

Well— But I had a cool birthday party there. I

1:05:29

believe it. Yeah. I really believe it, Natalie. Yeah. We

1:05:31

have a segment for you. Oh, right. The episode has

1:05:33

been a lot about what's true and what's not true.

1:05:35

Sure. And we're going to give you an opportunity here

1:05:38

to really show off your skills. This is a true

1:05:40

or false segment. Oh, okay, okay. I'm going to read

1:05:42

you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as

1:05:44

quickly as you can after each one if you think

1:05:46

what I just said is true or false. Okay. If

1:05:48

you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give

1:05:50

you 50 US dollars. Wow. Or maybe we'll

1:05:52

pay you in Zerons. The

1:05:55

LA Clippers are older than the LA Lakers. True.

1:05:57

False. Fuck. JWoww from Jersey Shore

1:06:00

is an Air Force veteran. False. False.

1:06:02

The hummingbird is the only bird

1:06:04

that can fly backwards. True. True. Penguins

1:06:06

can sweat. True. False. Fuck. Coffee

1:06:08

is a fruit. True. True. Indiana University

1:06:10

of Pennsylvania's mascot is Norm the

1:06:12

Crimson Hawk. True. True. A group of

1:06:14

jellyfish is called a smack. False.

1:06:17

True. Fuck. CIA stands for

1:06:19

Central Information Agency. True.

1:06:21

False. Central Intelligence Agency. The Pittsburgh Steelers

1:06:23

have won six Super Bowls. True. True.

1:06:25

Samuel Beckett wrote the play Noises Off.

1:06:28

False. False. It was Michael Frayn. Only

1:06:30

3 % of the water on Earth

1:06:32

is freshwater. True. That

1:06:34

is true. There are 13 books in the

1:06:36

original Magic School Bus series. True. True.

1:06:38

Flamingos are born pink. True. False. They turn

1:06:40

pink from eating shrimp. Fuck you. Bernie

1:06:42

Sanders is older than the Fender Guitar Company.

1:06:44

False. True. Fuck. The original Nintendo Game

1:06:46

Boy was powered by AAA batteries. True. False.

1:06:48

Double A. How'd she do? Eight.

1:06:50

Oh. Is that bad? Well,

1:06:53

you just needed to get 10 to win

1:06:55

the money. Oh, right. That's all. Oh, right, right,

1:06:57

right, right, right. Cool. But you're fine. you

1:06:59

so much. Yeah. Yeah. Natalie, we

1:07:01

love you. Is there anything you want to tell the

1:07:03

people before we end? I just want

1:07:05

to say thank you so much for

1:07:07

having me. It's been a pleasure to be

1:07:09

here, and I swear I'm a good

1:07:11

guy. She's a good guy. I know that,

1:07:13

like, I believe in 5G, and maybe,

1:07:15

like, it seems like maybe it might be

1:07:17

harming the bees, but. I'm

1:07:20

not totally aligned with most of

1:07:22

the people that think that. If

1:07:24

that makes sense. You're on your

1:07:26

own. I'm on my own playing

1:07:28

field. Do you think we live

1:07:30

in a simulation? What do you

1:07:32

think? I feel like we didn't

1:07:34

get a really hard answer. I

1:07:36

don't know. I think no. I

1:07:38

think I don't care. Yeah. I think I

1:07:41

just don't care. I think ultimately I don't think

1:07:43

we are. Like either way, in the simulation,

1:07:45

I feel good when I do certain things and

1:07:47

bad when I do others. And so that's

1:07:49

going to remain true regardless. Yeah. I need to

1:07:51

feel good more than I feel bad, whether

1:07:53

I'm truly in control or not. Don't

1:07:56

you think? Yeah, 100%. 100%. Wow. I think

1:07:58

that's the way to live. Well, you want to

1:08:00

tell people where they can find you you

1:08:02

can find me on Instagram Natalie

1:08:04

Palamides. And I'm still

1:08:06

on the other website

1:08:10

Sorry. Natalie. We

1:08:16

love you, thanks for doing it. Thanks

1:08:18

for having me. Oh, so fun. That was

1:08:20

a hate gum podcast. With

1:08:22

a $5 meal deal with new McValue, you

1:08:24

pick a Mac double or a McChicken, then

1:08:26

get a small fry a small drink and

1:08:28

a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of

1:08:30

McDonald's for not a lot of money Prices

1:08:33

and participation may vary. but McDouble meal, six

1:08:35

dollars in some markets for a limited time

1:08:37

only.