0:04

Welcome to Soba Soapbox with Shanti

0:07

, where we're going to talk recovery

0:09

, healing and transformation

0:11

and how that influences and

0:13

affects daily life . If I

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think it , I'm going to say it and

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we're going to talk openly about it

0:19

. I

0:26

guess everyone has varying

0:28

degrees of what honesty means , but

0:31

what type of honesty are we going

0:33

to be talking about on the soapbox today

0:35

? Are we going to be chatting about

0:37

my own honesty , because I've been

0:39

super open about my flaws in my

0:42

podcast and what I'm trying

0:44

to change as part of learning and healing

0:46

, but knowing there's always more

0:48

space to learn ? Maybe

0:50

honesty in general and what we give

0:52

and receive and what we expect from

0:54

others . Or maybe other

0:56

people's honesty and how it affects

0:58

those around them . Or sometimes

1:01

, too much honesty , when paired

1:03

with no tact , just comes down to

1:05

actually being crass and makes you want

1:07

to never be around those types of people

1:09

. Or too little honesty and

1:12

you never get to say what you need to because

1:14

you're too afraid what you say might

1:16

hurt somebody . I read the

1:18

other day that you own everything

1:21

that's happened to you , so tell your stories

1:23

. If people wanted you to write warmly

1:25

about them , they should have behaved

1:27

better . Thank you , ann Lamotte

1:30

, for that fabulous quote . This

1:32

really reminded me . It works

1:34

three ways . There are always three sides

1:36

to a story , whether it's been told

1:38

or listened to yours

1:40

, theirs and the truth , because

1:43

while I tell my journey and experiences

1:46

, there's a massive part that I've left out because

1:48

I've only been concentrating on myself

1:50

and getting better for my family . But

1:53

unfortunately , this other part played a

1:55

very horrible , destructive part

1:57

in my experience of healing and

1:59

trying to be a better person . With

2:02

a lot of situations in life , we have to decide

2:05

to either take the higher road , as I've

2:07

been doing , and choose to let life take

2:09

its course , or , essentially , whether

2:11

to use our voices , because it's our experiences

2:14

and we've owned the right to them . Just

2:17

last week I had an extremely frustrating

2:19

five hours where I sat down

2:21

to write and nothing came to me . But

2:24

for some reason , every day this week

2:26

I've woken up with fire in my fingers

2:28

and the emotions and memories have been

2:30

flowing to paper . I'm not

2:32

sure if it's the topics or just the need

2:35

to get things out that's fueling this . I

2:37

have a very busy mind all of the time

2:39

and usually work on two to three

2:42

open episodes at a time or

2:44

open on different pages on my PC

2:46

. But when I started writing

2:48

on the loose idea for an episode

2:50

on honesty , it seemed to get me

2:52

particularly fired up inside when

2:55

I started questioning myself and

2:57

where it was all coming from . I think

2:59

if I had to break it down , with all the self

3:01

reflection and how I've been

3:03

brutally honest with myself these last

3:05

ten months , which I have put out

3:07

on my podcast , and I'm not afraid

3:10

to finally speak my truth and put

3:12

myself out there , I've taken

3:14

accountability for me and my actions

3:16

where it has mattered . But there

3:18

have been a few things along the way that have definitely

3:21

shaped my recovery and by

3:23

sharing my honesty , I see

3:25

this as a further step in the healing process

3:27

. First thing learned after

3:29

my horrible breakdown last year was first

3:32

rule of mental health Learn to

3:34

distinguish who deserves an explanation

3:36

, who deserves only one word and

3:39

who deserves absolutely nothing . In

3:42

the beginning I chose to take the silent

3:44

route because I had no idea how

3:46

to express myself at the time . My

3:48

head was so jumbled and I didn't have

3:50

the mental capacity or strength to

3:52

deal with much in the early days of recovery

3:54

. I'm only now learning how

3:57

to communicate properly when up against adversity

3:59

and have come to learn through therapy

4:02

that this is trauma related and

4:04

that not knowing how to communicate didn't

4:07

make me a bad person or a villain

4:09

. But unfortunately , so

4:11

much has happened between now and then and

4:13

it's opened my eyes to just how

4:15

shady people can be , how

4:17

people can be so manipulated

4:19

and manipulative , how pathological

4:22

liars who have blatantly asked you

4:24

to lie for them in the past to save

4:26

their relationships believe their own

4:28

lies , and how people go along

4:30

with this , knowing this truth deep down

4:33

. By totally cutting myself

4:35

off out of choice , necessity

4:37

and , in some cases , not having an

4:39

option , I came to observe

4:41

that people are so afraid to be alone

4:44

and will choose to drink from every

4:46

cup because that's their damaged confidence

4:48

, which is actually weakness masquerading

4:51

as strength . The ones that

4:53

have history of throwing friends under the bus

4:55

to set their own agendas or not

4:57

keeping friendships very long . I've

4:59

seen master manipulators at work that

5:02

are very good at sowing division and

5:04

triangulating relationships , and

5:06

again , people follow the

5:08

ones that make you believe they have your best

5:10

interest at heart , but all you have

5:12

to really do is listen to how they

5:14

talk about other people , including

5:16

their loved ones , playing all

5:19

sides of the field and working people

5:21

up against each other . They're not

5:23

so secretly jealous people working

5:25

in the background , having a problem with someone

5:27

you every week and justifying

5:30

it and believing their messed up justifications

5:32

, the ones that get too drunk and

5:34

inevitably go whichever way the wind blows

5:36

at the time , because they have no real

5:38

direction or integrity . And whatever

5:41

works , what is that saying about

5:43

loose lips , big words and

5:45

thoughts here ? Why should we take

5:47

the higher road , as we are told so many

5:49

times , is the better route ? Because that's

5:51

what we are led to believe is the right thing to do

5:53

, especially while we are healing ? But

5:56

why do people get to say what they

5:58

want about you while you believe you are

6:00

being the bigger person ? Are they

6:02

so true to their convictions that they've

6:05

forgotten , whilst in their pack mentality

6:07

, that they have spoken bad things about all

6:09

those people they pretend to be super tight

6:11

with ? I have also had to

6:13

take accountability because I listened and

6:16

sometimes agreed . But manipulation

6:18

is a very real thing . Nothing

6:20

is ever what it seems . How fickle

6:23

are we as humans ? We so quick

6:25

to jump ship , to believe lies

6:27

, to be disloyal , to always

6:29

think the grass is greener when everyone

6:31

agrees with you , so that surely makes

6:33

it right . But if you had to

6:35

really question and be utterly

6:38

honest with your bare soul ? Are

6:40

you being truthful and honest with yourself

6:42

? Or are you just taking the easy route

6:44

because it's just that easier

6:46

and now too many things have been said

6:48

to backtrack , even if you are

6:50

unhappy ? That's a sad state of affairs

6:53

. I've been there and done that too

6:55

in the past , but my eyes are

6:57

now open wide and we are not in Kansas

6:59

any more , dorothy . We know

7:01

these things and see them for what

7:04

they are . But do we go into detail

7:06

about them or let them go gracefully

7:08

, because we finally see the red flags

7:10

? As time goes on , and the more

7:12

we heal , the less we want people

7:14

like this to actually have access to

7:16

us , even if that means being on

7:18

the out or being alone . In

7:21

the beginning of healing , we get reminded

7:23

let whoever think whatever

7:25

, we need to just keep getting better

7:27

. Now , 100% agree with this , because

7:30

your soul is on a negative budget

7:32

. In those beginning days , you cannot

7:34

afford stress , negative vibes

7:36

, deceit or doubt . And

7:39

as time goes on and you start

7:41

healing more and seeing everything

7:43

around you for what it actually is

7:45

, you see , those things you so

7:47

desperately thought that you needed were

7:49

not what you needed or actually wanted

7:52

at all . As you begin

7:54

to change , for the good people will

7:56

fall off . You won't feel the need

7:58

to fit in , you will look at things totally

8:00

differently , your mind will change

8:03

so much and you will start to see

8:05

what's really for you and what's

8:07

not . This is called growth . So

8:10

much stuff has to happen , though , for us to

8:12

grow . When I was at my lowest

8:14

, in my early days of recovery , I got

8:16

labeled a toxic narcissist , and

8:19

I still kept quiet because I was trying to

8:21

heal and do what was best for me and

8:23

my family , but I've realized this

8:26

has caused damage to my psyche

8:28

Now . It wasn't for everybody

8:30

to know what was happening at that time in my life

8:32

, because all I knew is I was a

8:34

mess that didn't even want to be alive

8:36

at that stage . But the sad thing is

8:39

, if those closest to me had asked

8:41

, I would have tried , somehow , in a broken

8:44

way , to open up , but instead

8:46

, when I completely went off the rails , the

8:48

silence was deafening . I take

8:50

this now as a blessing . In disguise , I

8:53

can deal and accept toxic , because

8:55

, yes , my behavior was toxic towards

8:57

the end , and I think we're all a little

9:00

toxic at some stage in our lives , especially

9:02

if we don't have the right tools to deal with

9:04

them at the time . But one of the

9:06

most amazing things in recovery has

9:08

been learning where my own behaviors fall

9:10

short and then relearning how to

9:12

deal with things and applying them . Trauma

9:15

is not an excuse . The behaviors

9:17

that come from trauma can be very destructive

9:20

and painful , and it is our responsibility

9:22

to heal and learn better ways to

9:24

cope . Hence getting rid of the alcohol

9:27

was my number one priority to work on

9:29

my mental health . But we really

9:31

do need to rethink the easy-go

9:34

labeling of people and the damage

9:36

it does . Instead of judging

9:38

, rather looking for the whys . My

9:40

truth is that I was too scared

9:42

when I heard that to reach out to the people

9:45

closest to me because I was so incredibly

9:47

hurt . That's what they thought and

9:50

my first thought was well , how do I

9:52

even explain or begin to try

9:54

to protect myself after being slapped with

9:56

such an extreme , knee-jerk

9:58

reaction label of narcissism ? Because

10:00

they were hurt , every

10:03

good thing you ever did went out the window

10:05

and came to this one moment where

10:07

it was decided you were totally not

10:09

worth it as a friend anymore . That

10:11

hurt then turned to anger , which I had

10:13

to work through and let go , but

10:16

it was something I did battle to make

10:18

peace with . How do I argue

10:20

that there are things I haven't done or

10:22

didn't say ? Because if I do , I'm

10:24

already prejudged and sentenced

10:27

, because it made everyone else comfortable

10:29

to give me a label with absolutely

10:31

no more thought of it . What a conundrum

10:34

and a double-edged sword , because

10:36

here I was learning about being

10:38

accepting and having to forgive things

10:40

that have happened in my life , and I

10:42

think that made it so much worse because

10:44

the judgment comes from those that were

10:47

meant to be closest . I

10:49

came to realize as time went on

10:51

there were things that were on me that I

10:53

needed to accept and I also needed

10:55

to let this go , because that was

10:58

all on them and not for me to

11:00

carry . And Lord forbid I say

11:02

that out loud and help somebody else accountable

11:04

, because then I just sound like a narcissist

11:06

that doesn't want to take responsibility

11:08

. But no , it's the complete opposite

11:11

. It's me , having stood by long

11:13

enough and having had enough of the bullshit

11:15

and standing strong and proud

11:17

in knowing who I actually am

11:19

. I've had to deal with chatter

11:22

through the grapevine about me giving up drinking

11:24

, like it almost offended some , which

11:26

is strange Opinions that

11:28

regulation is the answer , not drinking

11:30

Small cities , you know , and this is a

11:32

very , very , very

11:35

small , tiny city . I've come to

11:37

realise me not drinking and people

11:39

having their own opinions on why I had

11:41

had nothing to do with me , but

11:43

more with how it made them feel and

11:46

they didn't like the fact it made them

11:48

question their own relationship with alcohol

11:50

. I also came to the realisation

11:52

that some people actually don't give a fuck

11:55

at all that you stop drinking . I

11:57

had a friend unfriend me on socials

11:59

, not a random person , this is a person

12:01

I know well and not even have

12:03

the slightest courtesy , when asked

12:05

why directly to even reply

12:08

and have the decency to say well

12:10

, you pissed me off , or I didn't like

12:12

something you posted on social media , or

12:14

I got involved in some gossip and heard this

12:17

from someone and it changed my opinion of you

12:19

, or I just don't like you anymore

12:21

. Nope , just ghosted Now

12:24

. I've done this to people in the past and boy

12:26

oh boy , it wasn't a nice feeling . But now

12:29

that I'm working through all of this and please

12:31

don't think that I think I'm better or judging

12:33

, we're just talking about feelings here I

12:36

would never do that to anyone again

12:38

. I would rather be honest and

12:40

say no , I think we're just on different

12:42

pods or something decent enough

12:45

, which I have actually done earlier

12:47

this year with someone that I came to realise just

12:49

wasn't for me . Everything we were

12:51

just didn't align . I think people

12:53

deserve that . They don't have to know

12:55

deep , dark details , but with nothing

12:58

I have to deduce either she doesn't

13:00

have the tools and doesn't know how

13:02

to express herself or

13:04

, in actually thinking about it , it's something

13:06

stupid . Maybe she thought she wasn't

13:08

going to get called out about it , or there is

13:10

actually nothing of substance

13:12

that would actually suffice . If

13:15

I have to be blatantly honest in this

13:17

situation , I mean , who am I kidding

13:19

? Of course I'm going to be . For me

13:21

, I win Lesson learned

13:23

of how it made me feel , and

13:25

I won't forget how ugly it is Me

13:28

having to address it directly with

13:30

the person by asking them outright

13:32

for an explanation , even though I

13:34

was scared what the reply would be I

13:36

still have no idea , by the way and of what

13:39

it was about and get nothing

13:41

back , and then accepting that

13:43

outcome and not letting it take any

13:45

further joy from my life . This is

13:47

all the stuff I would have not given a shit

13:49

about in the past . I would have lamented

13:51

over it and been poor me and made

13:54

a drama about it , but I actually wouldn't

13:56

have really cared , to be honest . Now

13:59

I try to deal with it as best

14:01

as I can and then at least I can put it to bed

14:03

and move on . Life is too short

14:05

for this shit . But with all

14:07

this being said , I came to the realization

14:10

that all these things that have happened in the background

14:13

have been the most character building

14:15

, because they have been the most hurtful . There

14:17

were so many times I would get so

14:20

angry and think I'm sick of sitting on my

14:22

hands and trying to be the better person . And

14:24

this is happening in my life and this is

14:26

what I've had to live through . And why do I

14:28

not get to tell my side ? And if

14:30

this is the way it is , then so be it . Do

14:33

I or don't I use it Because I also

14:35

have a voice that deserves to be heard . I've

14:37

kept quiet about this and stood by

14:39

with the mentality of being this bigger person

14:42

. But these have been my challenges

14:44

, and this one certainly has been one of the

14:46

niggling ones in my recovery . But

14:49

then this wave washes over me and

14:51

I know that these have actually

14:53

been my character building challenges , because I've

14:56

had to step up to the plate and not

14:58

run away like I used to . I've

15:00

had to address some hard truths about myself

15:02

. I've had to put myself out there

15:04

when I didn't want to . So who

15:06

do we really need to justify ourselves

15:09

to ? At the end of the day , then , if you're

15:11

confidently happy and you know

15:13

you're a good person , that lost their way and

15:15

you have good people around you , your kids

15:18

love you , your home is happy , you're

15:20

trying to be a better version of the person you

15:22

were . Why are we looking

15:24

for outside validation from people at

15:26

the end of the day , when you have found what

15:28

matters for you and what makes

15:30

you happy , why give anybody

15:33

else power over that to change

15:35

that for you ? I can only

15:37

think from personal experience is

15:39

that when it comes from those closest , it

15:41

hurts and we want to know why . But

15:44

if there was no feeling involved , we wouldn't

15:46

be human , and I know I'm not without

15:48

fault . But show me someone who is

15:50

Another honest truth

15:52

. I have people that don't like me

15:55

and I'm OK with that . I always

15:57

have been . I don't need

15:59

everyone to like me . It's part

16:01

of life and we are not all going

16:03

to like each other . We could be the most

16:05

healed people in the whole world . There

16:08

are still going to be people you don't

16:10

like and that don't like you . You

16:12

don't have to be for everyone or

16:14

pretend that you want to be . That

16:17

doesn't validate who you are

16:19

at all . But when it comes from

16:21

a big group's fest , because everyone

16:23

is feeding off each other and your character

16:26

is being attacked , then it's possibly time

16:28

to step in and say hey and

16:31

state the obvious . I'm not a liar

16:33

or a manipulator or deceitful

16:35

, which is a sad thing most

16:37

of you know . Why were you so

16:39

quick to label or accept these

16:41

things without question ? Ask

16:44

me a question . I will give you the honest answer

16:46

. It might be sugarcoated

16:48

a little so it's not as abrasive , but

16:50

you will get clearly what I'm trying to

16:52

get across . I think everyone

16:54

has always looked at me and I've always given

16:56

off this stronger than thou attitude

16:58

that doesn't give a fucking yes

17:00

, that's what I am , and even more so now

17:03

when it's my truth and I'm healing

17:05

and I have re-found myself

17:07

worth and I feel like a superhero

17:09

compared to where I was . But strong

17:12

people break too . We just do it

17:14

quietly and rebuild and keep

17:16

on moving . You don't need to be

17:18

in with the crowd and you shouldn't care

17:20

about opinions that are a dime a dozen

17:22

or behaviors anymore that don't

17:24

work with your growth . If

17:26

you are working on yourself , all

17:29

you should want to be is better than who you

17:31

were yesterday and , honestly

17:33

, people believe what makes them feel

17:35

good . Most people you come across one

17:37

comfort and lies . They don't want the truth

17:40

because if they did , they would have asked

17:42

for it . But I've worked

17:44

far too hard on myself to be undermined

17:46

by people who only sit back and judge

17:48

because it doesn't require thinking , or

17:51

those that have their own baggage and don't want

17:53

to take accountability for their own actions

17:55

. I guess the problem is I

17:58

want to be spiritually evolved , but I also

18:00

want to slap people some days too . The

18:02

truth is , we can all try to justify

18:05

so much so that it suits our narrative

18:07

in life . But one thing I've ultimately

18:09

learned over and over in

18:11

this journey so far is you cannot

18:13

harbor anger and hate . You

18:16

need to find the peace and let it go

18:18

, otherwise you become a prisoner of

18:20

things you cannot control and it eats you

18:22

alive . And while all the I've

18:24

touched are all valid moments , thoughts

18:27

, emotions and situations

18:29

I have pondered from time to time

18:31

, and that truth be , I do

18:34

feel hurt when I think about it . Once

18:36

we get it out and think about it rationally

18:38

, we see how little sway it holds

18:41

in the bigger picture that is life . Real

18:43

happiness requires less than you think

18:45

and the right people will hear you

18:47

differently . When your healing becomes

18:50

your first priority , all

18:52

the other trivial stuff falls along the wayside

18:55

and once you realise peace is

18:57

the prize , you'll do almost anything

18:59

to protect that . So honesty

19:01

for me these days going forward is

19:04

making sure when I do make a mistake

19:06

I own it and try and make it right

19:08

as fast as I can , no matter what the outcome

19:11

is . Once there is too much water

19:13

under the bridge , it makes it so much

19:15

more difficult and by then you can't

19:17

even remember what it was fully about . It's

19:20

being true to yourself , even if that means

19:22

being alone and always speaking the

19:24

truth , no matter how hard it is . It's

19:26

standing by what I believe in and

19:28

letting go of things gracefully . Honesty

19:31

for me is knowing that recovery definitely

19:33

makes me a better person , but it doesn't

19:36

make me better than anyone else . So

19:38

carry on growing and working on yourself

19:41

, no matter what that looks like to anyone

19:43

. Carry on thriving , no matter

19:45

what you hear , and , most importantly

19:48

, never forget you are

19:50

still loved , even when you don't feel

19:52

like you are or people make you feel

19:55

like you're not . So

19:57

that's the end of today's episode

19:59

and thank you so much as always

20:01

for listening to me . I

20:03

hope that you took something out of that and

20:06

I will be here next week , same

20:08

time , same place as

20:11

always . Feel free to share your stories

20:13

or send your questions and thoughts

20:15

through via email , where I'll be happy to

20:17

chat about them or answer any questions

20:19

. You can connect with me on Instagram

20:22

, at SoberSopeBox , and

20:24

you can use my link tree to subscribe

20:26

, connect or email , or you can

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email me directly on SoberSopeBox

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at Yahoocom .