0:09

Hello , welcome to episode 71 of

0:11

the Stop Shooting All Over Yourself podcast . I

0:13

am Vanessa Konnicki , your host , and I am so

0:15

happy that you are joining me here

0:17

today to help find more joy in your life

0:19

, and one of the ways in

0:21

which we find joy is

0:23

through human companionship and building relationships

0:26

and community , which is something that

0:28

I have had to work very deliberately

0:30

and intentionally at most of my life , because it's

0:32

not something that comes naturally to me . I

0:35

have typically always latched on to

0:37

my sister or the person that I was

0:39

dating to be able to make friends

0:41

, because I get so anxious in social situations

0:44

. I got sick a lot , but at the time

0:46

I didn't know that I was chronically ill . I

0:48

didn't know that I was neurodivergent , I didn't know

0:50

that I had mental illness , and so there were a lot of things

0:52

as I was growing up that I didn't

0:54

know about myself that made it difficult for me to make

0:56

friends . So usually I would make friends

0:58

by accident . In my mind

1:01

, that's how it appeared to me . As

1:04

I got older and started to take more

1:06

action intentionally to build friendships

1:08

and make relationships , I started to realize

1:11

that I actually had a process and a system that

1:13

allowed me to go into various

1:16

areas , spaces that

1:18

were had people congregating around a particular

1:20

idea , thought , person

1:23

, whatever it is right , and build relationships

1:25

and create friendships . And I didn't

1:27

realize it at the time that I was building

1:30

this system , but when

1:32

I was , say , in about the

1:34

last five years , as I have been

1:36

very intentionally building

1:38

my relationships and been much more mindful

1:40

about how it is that I make friends , where I

1:42

go to make friends , who I hang out with , things like that

1:45

I realized that this is a really great way to make friends

1:48

and I started to share it with a lot of the people that I

1:50

know and with my community and

1:52

with my clients , and more and more people

1:54

started to use this exact same philosophy

1:56

to build their own friendships and their own relationships and their

1:58

own communities , and so I wanted to share it

2:00

with you in this podcast , sort of just the

2:02

. If you have trouble making friends as a

2:04

grown up , here are some . Here's

2:07

a tactic , a strategy that might work for

2:09

you , with some tactical steps to

2:11

help walk you through that process . So I'm going to share

2:13

with you my journey of how I

2:15

built my friendships and my relationships , and

2:17

I will also share a really great , great story

2:20

about the magic that can happen

2:22

when you put yourself

2:24

out there , even when you were afraid . Now

2:26

, making friends as a grown up is

2:28

hard and if you have some suggestions or ideas

2:30

that you want to share with our listeners , please head over

2:32

to the YouTube channel at menessatv

2:37

and share your feedback there

2:40

, because I would love , love , love for our listeners

2:42

to get guidance and help , not just for

2:44

me , but from other people who've tried their own techniques

2:46

to make new friends as a grown up . Let's

2:49

listen in . So I've been hell bent on building developing

2:51

a local community in Plymouth . I

2:53

built communities for myself before online

2:56

in other towns through organizations in Massachusetts

2:58

, but this was different . For the first

3:00

time since I moved to the States from Pakistan

3:03

, I felt like I was

3:05

home and Plymouth feels

3:07

like it's

3:09

not just where my house is right , but

3:11

that's where I am from . It's where I have roots . I've

3:14

put roots here and I've only been here for like a year and

3:16

a half , but I feel that sense of community . So

3:19

I pulled out Me Old how to Make Friends as

3:21

a Grown Up Handbook and

3:23

I got started

3:26

, and that was when I realized

3:28

that a lot of people actually struggle with making

3:30

friends as a grown up , as adults . What's

3:33

interesting is , I've never really had trouble

3:35

finding people to hang out or socialize with

3:37

, despite the fact that I am really

3:40

, really socially anxious . I

3:42

have anxiety , I have

3:44

PTSD , I have mental illness

3:46

, I am neurodivergent . I

3:48

have a lot of things that

3:50

really make it so that being around people is absolutely

3:53

freaking , terrifying for me , right ? However

3:55

, yet at the same time , I

3:58

have been able to build these communities and relationships

4:00

, which tells me that there's something here , right

4:02

? So I wanted to share those techniques with you today

4:04

. So , for people

4:06

who are kind of like yeah , I want to make

4:08

friends as a grown up , but God , how do I even do that ? How

4:11

do I hear it from so many people ? Hey

4:13

, this is how I do it , right , and you're

4:15

going to love it . Okay so , but let's , let's come back to

4:18

the anxiety part , because , it's true , I am socially

4:20

anxious , even though people don't typically believe

4:22

that , because I seem like I'm such a social butterfly , but

4:24

it's because I have tools I'm

4:27

actually I struggle most in one-on-one

4:29

conversations Like I really struggle in those

4:31

two-on-one conversations I'm actually okay with

4:33

. And then , if we're in a group of three or more

4:36

, like three people , like four people and , like

4:38

me , where I'm one of the four

4:40

, I feel much better because it just takes

4:42

the pressure off . I am

4:44

really terrified of being in large

4:46

groups of people . That comes from my PTSD and it

4:49

it works itself out . So it's not something

4:51

that I feel constantly . But before

4:53

I go to an event or right before I walk into

4:55

an event is usually where the panic is

4:57

there and that's where I have to do all of my tools

4:59

. Once I get in and start talking

5:01

to them around , then I find my safe people

5:04

right , and then it's sort of like it , it

5:06

, it , it . Your

5:09

confidence grows as you're there , right , my

5:14

brain fog also adds to

5:16

this problem because I know your name and your kid's

5:18

names but , like , I'll often doubt myself and

5:20

refuse to say your name until somebody

5:22

else says it first , and then I'll tell

5:25

myself oh , my God , manessa , you knew that person's name all along

5:27

. Why don't you just trust yourself ? And then that

5:29

can send me on like a complete spiral of me

5:31

thinking that you think that I was rude because

5:34

I'm autistic , I struggle with eye contact and

5:36

so , like I often find myself

5:38

saying hold eye contact , then stop holding , hold

5:40

eye contact , then stop holding . Right , I'm listening

5:42

to you , but at the same time , I'm trying to make sure that I'm holding

5:44

eye contact because I want you to know that I'm listening

5:47

to you and I'm not sure what's appropriate . So there's

5:49

all these things are going on in my head in a social

5:51

environment that send

5:53

me an entire spiral , right . So it's very

5:55

easy for me to get caught up and saying

5:58

that I'm hoping that you

6:00

feel some sort of connection

6:02

in that , like there's something

6:04

in there that resonates with you as to why it is that you

6:06

also struggle with making friends . Now

6:09

, on paper , you would not think

6:11

that I would make friends easily and

6:14

or find myself engaging in social activities

6:16

at all , but yet I do , right , and

6:19

within the span of one year in Plymouth . So I've only

6:21

been here like a year and a half now . We're actually in our second

6:23

year . I can't walk down the street in Plymouth

6:26

without having someone screaming hello from the street . Oh my God

6:28

, hey , how are you doing ? You're literally

6:30

everywhere , right ? So I have

6:32

built a home and a community here in

6:34

a way I didn't expect , which is

6:36

great , using the tools that have

6:38

worked for me in other places . It just happened to work really

6:40

well here , which makes me kind of feel like

6:42

, as much as I feel like Plymouth is my home , I feel

6:44

like Plymouth feels like I am home , right ? So

6:46

like that's a nice feeling too . So

6:49

the key here is is I'm sharing

6:51

this with you because I tend to prefer isolation

6:54

to socialization and I also

6:56

like having a community , and

6:58

also because I have my aforementioned shit to deal with

7:00

. It has to be on my terms , right ? So

7:03

the key is finding communities that will let

7:05

me exist on my own terms , but it

7:07

doesn't in any way create a hardship for other

7:09

members of the group , right ? Because it

7:11

would make me feel guilty and then I would self reject

7:14

. If I felt like my challenge

7:16

has made it harder for the group , then I would just reject myself

7:18

out of that group because I didn't want to make things hard for people

7:20

, right ? So I was telling my

7:22

wife the other day listen , if someone like me can build community

7:24

, then anybody can do it , right ? So

7:27

there are three things that are , like , really important . The

7:29

first is your framework and approach , the

7:31

two is your topic of interest and the three

7:34

is your plan of action . Okay . So

7:38

first is framework and approach

7:40

. Okay , so there's a few things in the framework and approach

7:42

section , there is the I

7:44

call it my way of absolute candor . Right , it

7:46

comes from that area of my

7:49

philosophy which you can find on Instagram . I

7:51

have my life philosophy there . But

7:54

the thing that you have to know is what can

7:57

you tolerate and what can't you tolerate , like ? You

7:59

have to really know that about yourself and

8:01

you have to be honest with yourself about it . There

8:04

are plenty of characteristics I can choose to deny

8:06

for a long time about myself because it embarrasses

8:08

me , and

8:11

I didn't know that those things came from

8:13

my neurodivergence because at the time I didn't know that I was

8:15

right . But they embarrassed me and I now

8:17

know that they're totally normal and they're

8:19

normal for someone like myself and it's fine . It

8:21

took time , therapy and self-awareness

8:23

, but mostly it took a willingness for

8:25

me to just accept that I've got my own

8:27

quirks right . If you're the sort

8:30

of person who gets anxious in a room with 20

8:32

people in it after 20 minutes , then accept

8:34

that and go into

8:36

each event with a plan for

8:38

knowing how you wanna deal with those moments . So you're gonna

8:40

leave ? Are you gonna go somewhere ? Like I have that

8:42

problem and we'll talk about my technique later . Right

8:46

, it is better for you to have a plan for

8:48

how you're gonna deal with those moments rather than

8:50

have those moments come upon you and then feel like that

8:52

panic , because then you really don't know what to do and

8:55

now you feel like a failure and you have to cause . There's so

8:57

much stuff happening . Right , if

9:00

you have the plan in place , then now you can go

9:02

to the event and feel confident that

9:04

you're prepared for when that time does come

9:07

right . So , for example , here's how

9:09

I do it I can be in a room of a lot

9:11

of people for about 15 to 20 minutes , and

9:13

then I need to excuse myself to go to the bathroom

9:15

. If I am in significant

9:17

pain , it might actually be a little bit

9:19

less time , just because I need to sit down , I

9:21

need to cringe , I need to sit and just be like

9:23

, oh God , you know it's painful those

9:26

of us with chronic pain , we know that right . And

9:28

then I excuse myself to go to the bathroom , right

9:30

, so I go to the bathroom . I'll sit in the loo by myself

9:33

in the stall for like five minutes . So

9:35

I'm gonna put my headphones on and

9:37

I'll just breathe deeply , okay , so I'll do that

9:39

and I'll get myself back on track and then I'll

9:41

go back into the group for another 15 minutes and

9:43

I will do that until I feel like I can

9:45

no longer tolerate it and then I leave . Right

9:48

, it's like you know what . I've done this twice and now

9:50

I've hit my limit and I'm done Cause I

9:52

can also get overstimulated . And if I get overstimulated

9:54

then I'm not having fun , I'm not actually

9:56

showing up the way I want to , I'm not gonna feel

9:58

good about it . So I've learned to recognize

10:01

when I'm getting overstimulated

10:03

and then when it's starting to happen , so that I can

10:05

. And talking with my friend one

10:07

of my friends who's also neurodivergent

10:09

, helped enormously , because she shared like how

10:11

overstimulation manifests for her and I was

10:13

like , oh my God , now I understand what that is . And

10:16

then I saw , oh , this is what's happening . When I

10:18

had a certain point in some of these events and then

10:20

I was able to know that I need to take myself out of it and

10:22

that I'm not gonna be able to rescue myself during that time

10:24

right Now , I used to worry that

10:26

people would be like God , why is Vanessa going to the bathroom constantly

10:29

? But I promised you , nobody's even noticing , nobody

10:31

cares . And honestly , when you tell people that that's

10:33

what you're doing . They're like , oh my God , that's such

10:35

a good idea . I'm gonna do that too , and you realize

10:38

how many of us feel the same way . Two

10:41

is you've got to plan ahead okay . So you

10:43

won't feel comfortable doing something that you

10:45

don't do often if you don't have

10:47

a plan in place for how to deal with the

10:50

more common unpleasant situations that you might

10:52

have to deal with , for example , the

10:54

aforementioned not being able to be in rooms

10:56

for a very long time with lots of people . I

10:58

now know where the bathroom is in every building from here

11:00

to Kingston , because every

11:02

event I go to , I know what's gonna happen . And

11:04

so I go . I look at the bathrooms . I say , okay , is it

11:06

stalls ? Can I go hide ? Because

11:08

I don't like . If it's like a single bathroom , I can only

11:11

hide for so long . If it's like a bathroom

11:13

with like four stalls in it , I can hide for longer . Like

11:15

I like to know these things , it makes me feel comfortable

11:17

, so I do that right . I also

11:19

listen to a lot of like very specific

11:21

music before I go to an event

11:24

to kind of pump me up . I

11:26

sometimes will listen to like the same song . Like five million times

11:29

. I've been listening to the same set of eight songs for like two

11:31

years now and I just put them

11:33

on and it gets me in the place where I need to go . I

11:35

regulate myself and I'm able to go in , right ? I

11:38

always bring my iced tea with me so that I never have

11:40

to worry about being

11:43

dehydrated or not having something that

11:45

I like to drink or whatever . Like often there's water or

11:47

something , and that's fine , but I bring my tea with me anyway

11:49

, just to be on the safe side . And

11:52

then I have three questions

11:54

, right , that , like you can , that I

11:56

ask people you know for every like

11:59

, just general like for

12:01

the Massachusetts , it's always

12:03

something related to , so , depending on the time

12:05

of the year , I can do something related to the Patriots or the

12:07

Red Sox , because everybody's like huge into the

12:09

sports . The other is what

12:12

shows are you watching right now ? Right , and

12:15

have you done anything fun in the summer ? Or

12:17

what have you been doing this winter ? Right ? So I have . Those are

12:19

some things that I will ask people to sort of like engage

12:21

in conversation Sometimes

12:23

if they're going to an event that is specific , like

12:25

I went to an event a

12:29

strawberry moon festival at

12:31

13 Court Street in Plymouth and

12:33

it was a very witchy woo place . So

12:35

I had questions ready for witchy woo stuff , right

12:37

, it was amazing . I got some magic potions and it was fabulous

12:40

, right . So

12:42

, you know , I asked , I remember asking them things

12:44

like how long have you known the owner of the store

12:46

? How long have you been practicing magic ? Where do

12:48

you live in town ? You know that kind of thing , you know

12:50

, to just get sort of conversations going , I

12:53

also have , if you're able , right . So

12:55

, like my wife came with me to that event , my

12:57

friend Jenna used to come with me to some of my professional

12:59

events . So if you have like a plus one , they

13:01

use their like buddy dude

13:04

, so lucky , take

13:06

advantage of that . Right , have

13:08

those three questions ready , right . Some

13:11

ideas I think we said are what

13:14

are shows are you watching these days ? What books are you reading

13:16

? What is your favorite part about this event or group

13:18

? You wanna know

13:20

when you wanna leave , so , for yourself

13:23

, plan in advance . You're like , okay , I'm leaving at this

13:25

time . If you're having a great time , no reason

13:27

not to stay right , but

13:29

if you are not having a great time , you

13:31

can leave early . But you know

13:33

that , okay , I'm leaving at this time will make you feel

13:35

like you're comfortable with the plan that you have . So

13:38

that's super important , right ? Sometimes

13:40

you will , you know , like it also depends on the event . So

13:42

, like , if you're going to like a jewelry making class

13:44

, right , so I did that one of those events the other day

13:46

I'm probably gonna stay for the full

13:49

three hours . So I'm not gonna leave halfway after making my

13:51

silver necklace , but

13:53

if it's like a networking event , I could leave probably

13:55

an hour in or two hours in , like I can leave whenever I

13:57

want , right ? No

14:01

one minds . By the way , if you leave early , follow

14:03

up with an email . Even if you leave early , follow up

14:05

with an email , don't say I'm sorry I left earlier or anything . Just

14:07

follow up and say , hey , I had such a great time , this was fabulous

14:09

. The connection will be made , the work will be done

14:11

. You will have gotten exactly what you need by showing

14:14

up and then emailing . That's all you need . Really , you don't

14:16

have to be there for the whole thing . Third

14:18

is the curiosity is a gift , so

14:21

you need a list of questions

14:24

to get you going . You know the simple ones that

14:26

you'll remember that we talked about those three questions

14:28

, right ? But , and that will get you started , okay

14:30

. So , like , when you start going to events and doing

14:32

stuff , you'll want these three questions because , like

14:35

, honestly , if you're feeling a sense of panic when you see a human

14:37

being , you're not gonna remember the questions unless you

14:39

wrote them down . And like you're like that's what I'm gonna ask . And

14:41

in some cases , like I don't remember my questions because

14:43

I'm really having a high pain day and my anxiety

14:46

is bad and someone will walk out to me and I'll be like shit

14:48

, I have no questions and

14:50

then I'll just pull the same thing out

14:52

of my ass . What do you do ? It's

14:54

fine , it'll get the conversation going . However

14:57

, over time in

15:00

the conversation , right , cultivate

15:02

a true sense of curiosity about

15:04

people , right ? So , like , one of the things is it's

15:06

hard to be afraid , if you're like genuinely

15:08

curious . So when someone walks up to me

15:10

and I'm talking to them , initially my anxiety

15:13

is very high , but one of the

15:15

tools that I use is to cultivate a curiosity

15:17

and listen to what they're saying , right ? So when I

15:19

listen to them , right , and developing an interest

15:21

in what are they saying , what

15:24

are they like , look for signs that they're lighting up when

15:26

they talk about something or what is a word that they

15:28

, or a thing or a topic that they bring up that resonates

15:30

with you , that you can sort of latch onto and dig a

15:32

little deeper , right , if

15:34

you share an interest in common with them , then

15:37

let them know and you guys will dive right down that

15:39

and that'll solve most of your problems in terms

15:41

of anxiety , like right off the bat . If

15:44

you don't find anything in common and you notice

15:46

that their eyes light up when they talk about fishing

15:48

or swimming or whatever right , ask

15:50

questions about that , because cultivating your

15:52

curiosity about people in general really

15:55

like people like to be acknowledged , they want to

15:57

be seen , they want , they like

15:59

to share their stories , and so the most powerful thing

16:01

you can do is listen . I cannot remember for

16:03

the life of me where I saw or heard this , but

16:05

somebody said something said once

16:07

that you

16:10

know , if you want people to think that you

16:12

are a great conversationalist , just listen

16:14

to them and ask them questions

16:16

about themselves and they'll walk away thinking that

16:18

you are very interesting and

16:20

that has really really like . I've

16:22

held on to that . I think I actually read it in a comic book

16:25

, like I think Jughead said it or something Like that's how

16:27

like long I've had this in my

16:29

system . I just don't remember that's . It's like

16:31

, feels like it's been there forever , but I know it was like years

16:33

and years ago . That curiosity will

16:35

serve you very , very well . Now

16:39

, this next one is really

16:41

interesting . It seems like it might be more appropriate for

16:43

therapy , but it is what it is right . You gotta love

16:45

yourself . The biggest issue with doing

16:47

any kinds of friends making is the fear of rejection

16:50

. What if they don't like me , right ? What if they don't

16:52

like me ? Years ago , my

16:54

sister was 11 , and she

16:56

tells the story all the time . It's totally okay for me to share . We

17:00

weren't allowed to have birthday parties growing up . We were really poor

17:03

and so we never had birthday

17:05

parties . We had one , I think , when I was four , and

17:07

then after that we just were able to have a friend over or something

17:09

right . But when Sire

17:11

was 11 , she was

17:13

allowed to have a party for the first time ever

17:15

in years , right , so she's so excited

17:17

. I remember we hung streamers in the house

17:20

, we had cake and

17:22

chips and games . It

17:25

was so fun . She was like 11 , right , so it was so much fun and

17:27

we invited her entire class and everybody that

17:29

she's ever known , and I think

17:31

the party started at 10 or 11 , and

17:35

it's like 11 o'clock and no

17:37

one's there , and then 11.15 , and

17:40

11.30 , and then

17:42

we start to realize that nobody is coming and

17:46

nobody came and it

17:48

was devastating . I , my

17:51

heart breaks for my little sister , like

17:54

, honestly , she's freaking , 43

17:56

years old now . It's like I'm

17:58

still like , oh , my baby sister , like

18:01

I remember her crying . She was crying so

18:03

hard , she was so hurt , right . That

18:06

kind of thing just like

18:08

. And it's a fear , right . Nobody

18:10

wants to be rejected like that , right . And

18:13

so that feeling is awful and nobody wants to feel it right . And

18:15

I know that over the years , cyra and I have many

18:17

, many , many times talked about that and how

18:20

many times she has had something

18:22

to do where she says I just don't want

18:24

this to be like my 11th birthday , right , but

18:26

she doesn't anyway . Okay , she doesn't anyway , which is like amazing

18:29

. She's an inspiration to me . So

18:31

you know whether you've had a similar experience

18:34

or just heard of it happening to other people , it's

18:36

a fear for a lot of us , which is why we don't want to put ourselves

18:38

out there , right . So

18:41

this is

18:43

also the toughest thing to do because of that

18:46

rejection and often , you know , we reject ourselves

18:48

and loving yourself is a journey . Now

18:50

, look , it's not necessary for you to love

18:52

yourself to be able to go out and have

18:54

a community of friends and build relationships , but

18:57

it is a critical element to building joy and happiness

18:59

in your life . And it does make it a lot easier

19:01

to take those risks , because

19:03

if you're rejected by others , it doesn't hurt

19:05

as much because you have your unwavering love

19:07

of yourself , loving yourself

19:10

, to support you right ? So

19:12

, that said , don't use lack of loving yourself

19:14

as a reason to not take action about anything that

19:16

we talk about , because those actions will help

19:18

you to develop that loving and

19:20

trusting relationship with yourself . So , like it's kind

19:22

of like feeds onto itself . Now

19:25

, the other thing you want to consider is

19:27

that these events are a

19:29

way to learn , and this is going to segue into

19:31

like . The other thing is like you've got to learn what you're

19:33

actually looking for in the event

19:35

that you're going to and what it's

19:37

you're hoping it will scratch , right . So

19:40

every event you go to is you sort of

19:42

scratching and just you know , in you interviewing

19:44

the event to see if they scratch the itch that will make

19:46

you want to go back again . What

19:49

is your desire ? So to determine

19:51

whether a group and organization or

19:53

like a you know is , is a

19:56

success , you first have to know , like , why you're going

19:58

. Are you lonely and looking for friends

20:00

? Are you a business owner trying to grow your network

20:02

so you can increase sales ? Are

20:04

you , are you someone

20:07

who's friends went off and had kids and now you have no one

20:09

else to hang out with ? Do you enjoy a particularly

20:11

hobby but you can't find anybody to do it with

20:13

? Are you not sure , right

20:16

? Maybe you just want to try a few things out and see what

20:18

happens . Regardless

20:20

of what your reasoning is , you

20:22

have to , whether

20:25

it's focused

20:28

and crystal clear , or you have a feeling

20:30

that you want to grow your network or your and

20:32

relationships and you just want to try some things out . It

20:35

is really important that you recognize

20:37

whether you know or you don't know , and

20:40

then you like , if you don't know

20:42

, that you're just kind of trying to figure out what do I want , right

20:44

, sort of like when you think about dating and relationships

20:46

, like you date a bunch of people to figure out what you like , what you don't

20:48

like . This is what I wanted , a partner , this is what I don't want , and

20:50

so on and so forth . You know our friendships , jobs

20:53

, relationships . The same thing is true for this . Right

20:55

, as you're going in and you're meeting these people

20:57

and you're like , okay , this event was great , I like this , this

20:59

and this no-transcript

21:01

. Did it scratch an itch for me ? No , but I really enjoyed it

21:04

. I think I'll go back again and see . Maybe it

21:06

will turn out to be the thing . Right , you go for like six

21:08

months and then you're like you know what ? This isn't

21:10

really doing it for me . I did that with

21:12

an organization . I actually went in , I went

21:14

to the free version , Wasn't sure how I felt

21:16

about it , but like it had something and I was

21:19

getting something . So I'm like , all right , went into

21:21

the paid version for a year and like

21:23

I was like you know what ? By the end of the year I was like , yeah

21:25

, this isn't really working for me , and so I kind of I just left

21:27

it and it was no big deal , no harm , no foul . But

21:29

I learned what I didn't want , which was

21:31

I didn't want to join a group . That was a cult of personality

21:34

. Right , that was what turned me off about the group was that

21:36

it was all about like the one person and everybody was oh

21:38

right , and that's , I wasn't , that wasn't really

21:40

my thing . I was looking for more of like a community

21:42

, less of like a . I mean , that's fine

21:45

, there's nothing wrong with that group , it's just that

21:47

wasn't what I was looking for , right ? So

21:49

? But knowing whether you know

21:52

what you're looking for or not will help you make

21:54

it easier for determining whether something is a success

21:56

or a failure . Because if you , let's

21:58

say you know what you want , then you very quickly

22:00

can be like okay , yeah , yeah , this is a failure , this is a success

22:03

. If you don't know what you want

22:05

, then you're going to think that things are failures

22:07

because you don't know what you want , right . But if

22:09

you know in advance , going

22:11

in , that I'm not aware of what I want and I'm trying to figure

22:13

that out , then an event will be less of a success

22:15

and a failure and more about like , almost like , research . Hmm

22:18

, I wonder if what about this event could work for

22:20

me , right ? So , um , what

22:23

I recommend is , after each event , take note what did you

22:25

like , what didn't you like ? You

22:27

may not know it all at once , right ? Um , you

22:29

may , um , you know , thinking about in terms

22:31

of research . You may know some of it right away , and

22:33

then a few weeks later you'll be like you know what I didn't like about that event

22:36

. I hated that the drive was so

22:38

far . I actually don't think , and this was one

22:40

of my people , one of the organizations I was

22:42

going to join . I really loved it . It's

22:44

like it's fabulous it's actually she Breeds

22:46

in Walpole Amazing . So I think

22:48

everybody should join it . I want to be a part of she Breeds

22:50

, but it's so far away from me , right , that

22:53

, um , and I didn't want to . I and

22:55

I was really looking for in-person , not

22:57

virtual , and so for me

22:59

it didn't end up being a good fit , regardless

23:02

of the fact that it's a really good organization that I

23:04

wanted to be a part of . That was the area

23:06

that didn't fit with me , right . So you may figure

23:08

that out later . But it really is about trial and

23:10

error and about recognizing that you're not going to be

23:12

your best friend the first time you go out . Though you might

23:14

, though you might , um

23:17

, what you're really trying

23:19

to do is sort of identify what you like and what you

23:22

don't like , right . Here's the thing A

23:24

lot of times we're worried about giving up

23:26

on an organization or something too soon

23:28

, or , and that's a real fear , like what if this

23:30

is the one ? And you like my

23:33

wife , right ? So my wife and I met on OKCupid

23:35

. We talked for like a week

23:37

or so and then my brother moved here to go

23:39

to college it's like 15

23:41

, 20 , 15 years ago and I

23:44

was so busy dealing with the college and the drives

23:46

and whatever , I just totally ghosted her . And

23:48

then I was like , oh , you know what , I'm just getting off of dating

23:51

, I'm done with dating , whatever , right . And

23:53

so , um , and

23:56

then she and I was just going to let it

23:58

just whatever . And then I saw her picture and I thought , oh , I

24:00

really liked her . I wish I had , I wish I

24:02

hadn't ghosted her . And I was like , oh well , it is what it is

24:04

Right . As I'm shutting down my account , and then

24:06

she sends me a message and

24:08

says , hey , how are you doing ? And I was like , oh , look at that

24:11

, right . And I was like , ok . So I had a second chance with

24:13

her and now we're married and you know she's , she's

24:15

the one right , she's my one . If

24:18

you are meant to be in that group , and

24:20

that's the right group for you to be in , it'll come back around

24:22

, because one of the things that I found forgetting about cosmic

24:25

significance right is that if

24:29

you are consistently putting in effort to

24:31

go , look around with

24:33

these places to research

24:35

and check things , you're going to meet a lot of different people

24:37

. Your network is going to grow and you'll

24:40

hear the same names come and when you start

24:42

to find your niche in space , you'll start

24:44

to hear and see the things that

24:46

are your people . You

24:48

never really know when you're going to unlock that portion

24:51

, if one that

24:53

you went to happened to have a bad

24:55

night and you're just like forget this

24:57

, but it is the one and you

24:59

keep trying and erroring . Eventually

25:02

you're going to hit upon somebody who's going to tell you to

25:04

try it and you'll be like I tried it , it sucked , but no , no

25:06

, really , you should try it . You'll try it again and you'll be

25:08

like , oh my God , it's so wonderful this time around . I'm glad I

25:10

came back . So don't worry about FOMO

25:12

, don't worry about making a mistake . I have been doing this

25:14

long enough and helping people do this long enough to discover

25:17

that , because of networking

25:19

and the networking philosophy that I train

25:21

on , it creates a synergy

25:23

where things just keep coming back

25:25

around and so there's not one chance

25:27

only to do something . There's many , many different

25:30

chances and

25:32

networks that you're a part of for a while that you leave

25:34

will then come back and rear their heads

25:36

again , but now , because you were in this network

25:38

, like three years ago , for two years now

25:40

, you're like the OG , rather than

25:42

being the person who just came in and you're like I'm an OG , you're

25:45

like , okay , sure , those are the

25:47

things you really want to be thinking about . It's

25:49

not any one activity that's going to

25:51

be the thing that creates your relationships . It's going

25:53

to be the consistent effort over time , which

25:55

, I have to tell you , I fucking hate the consistent

25:58

effort as the answer to everything , but that is

26:00

just the way . It is All

26:02

right , let's move

26:04

into what interests you , because we talked about laying the

26:06

groundwork within ourselves , but how

26:08

do you actually do the thing to meet the people For

26:11

this situation ? This is going

26:13

to pick out the different types of organizations that you

26:15

might want to be looking at to be able to make friends

26:17

. Because we talked about , okay , this is how you want to

26:19

conceptually approach it , but now we're talking about okay

26:21

, but where am I going ? What am

26:23

I looking for ? I'm

26:26

going to share a little bit about how I do it and how

26:28

I recommend people follow that model . There

26:31

is a video series on YouTube

26:34

that I have called oh

26:38

my God , I forgot what I called it . My

26:40

God , that's so funny . Well , you know what You're going to get to see this

26:43

. It's been years since I looked at it . It's really good

26:45

, though . I forgot what I called it , but it's really good . Hold

26:49

on , we're going to go into it . Oh

26:52

my God , it's so good . It's called

26:54

Adding Rocket Field to your

26:56

Social . Okay , it's a video

26:59

series called Adding Rocket Field to your Social , and

27:01

it will actually give you a blueprint for how to do this , and

27:03

there's also a workbook that will walk you through

27:05

the process , so you're more than welcome to just download that . That's

27:07

my gift to you . Okay , so

27:10

let's talk about the approach and then I'll send

27:12

you over to the roadmap

27:14

to success video series

27:16

for how to do

27:18

this . Okay , so we've

27:21

set the groundwork . So how do you meet the people ? So

27:23

for this conversation , we're going to stick

27:25

with things that you can do locally , because that was

27:27

one of my key mission items . My

27:30

nose is itching , so please hold . This

27:32

is that I wanted to build community . Yeah , no , we're not

27:34

editing any of this out . This is all real people in

27:38

the South Shore of Massachusetts . So

27:40

I picked a small area , the one that I live in

27:42

, and then set the parameters for my search . So my

27:45

thing is this I have

27:47

so much pain , I can only

27:49

drive so far . Okay , so

27:51

that is key . I can only drive so far . So

27:53

I was limited by geography . In

27:55

some places that I've lived , that geography

27:57

has been more challenging than others . So when I lived

27:59

in Franklin , that geography was more challenging

28:02

because Franklin is such a commuter town and it's far

28:04

away from a lot , as opposed

28:06

to say , even though it has

28:08

a central location to get to the city , it's still a lot

28:10

of traveling . And Plymouth

28:13

is like these towns

28:16

are all like right up against each other's asses

28:18

and there's lots and lots

28:20

of networking and events and things happening

28:22

in the area . So the

28:25

infrastructure of the towns in

28:27

this area make it easier for me to

28:29

do this than it did somewhere else . So

28:31

something to keep in mind as you're doing this is

28:33

to recognize what place do you live in . Do

28:36

you live in a Franklin where you may have to go

28:38

further out , or there are less organizations

28:40

, or you might be finding it more challenging , or

28:42

do you live in a Plymouth where there's , like so

28:44

many , right , you

28:47

can barely walk across the street without tripping over

28:49

an organization ? So

28:51

I made mine in the South Shore of Massachusetts

28:53

. I determined my radius for how far I was

28:55

willing to drive to events that happened in person

28:58

, and I set the parameters for my search . And

29:00

then the next is you need to know what interests you . So

29:03

what are you looking for in terms of your topic

29:05

interest ? Not everybody likes to

29:07

talk about the same thing , so you want to pick a place

29:09

where people are gathering around ideas and

29:11

topics that resonate with you . If

29:14

you're not a vegan , joining the local

29:16

Don't Eat Animals group is probably not going to

29:18

work for you . You're going to get all

29:20

those people who are interested in similar topics . So

29:23

one of the places that I got started

29:25

and I'm still a part of this group , even though I don't run a business

29:27

because I actually think that this group is just amazing

29:29

in terms of networking

29:32

, just socially as well . But

29:34

this is typically . I always have one of these on my roster

29:36

and it's the business networking group . Now

29:38

there are business networking groups all over the country , both

29:40

online and local , and not

29:42

all of them are created equal . There's

29:45

a range of them , right ? You've got your B&Is

29:47

, which are very transactional , very masculine

29:49

, very regimented in their approach

29:51

to organizations that prioritize

29:53

education , socializing and community development

29:56

, that are very feminine in their approach . Some

29:59

of them may use all inclusive

30:01

terms , right

30:04

. So where when they say women's group , they

30:06

mean we don't care , but

30:08

this is a women's group but we don't . Everybody can

30:10

come , right . So if you're a man , come . If you're non-binary

30:12

, come , whatever , right . Some

30:15

maybe some maybe groups

30:17

that you're not sure if you're

30:19

included or not , right , and so you typically

30:21

don't want to go to those because you're not sure right Now

30:24

, because there are so many different types , it means you're going to need

30:27

to try out a bunch before you know which one is right

30:29

for you , because if you happen to be all into community

30:31

and you go to you know a very transactional

30:33

type space and you're not going to be happy . I

30:37

would advise you of being a part of like

30:39

one or two networking groups that most

30:41

like business networking , like don't overdo it

30:43

. Pick one , pick two , make those your thing

30:46

, your jam , and that's where you go , right . But

30:48

you're going to probably try out a bunch before you find your sweet

30:50

spot . Now I'm a member

30:53

of one networking group in the South Shore of Massachusetts

30:55

. I was the South Shore Women's Business Network and

30:57

I'm a membership chair there . So if you

30:59

have any questions and you're in the South Shore and you want to learn more

31:01

, you can always message me . But

31:03

when I was in Franklin I was part of the Women's

31:05

Success Network , which , I cannot stress enough

31:07

, is an absolutely amazing

31:09

group . I was also on the board there . I

31:12

was our marketing chair and , oh my God , I loved

31:14

it there and that was the group that I found in

31:16

Franklin . Right , I went looking and looking and looking and that

31:19

WSN was the one that I found

31:21

after many trial and error in other places

31:23

. That was like the niche for me . I loved

31:25

it so much and the only reason I'm

31:27

not still a member is just because of the

31:29

drive right . It's a very , very long drive . Now

31:33

I prefer smaller organizations that

31:35

are geared towards women , even though I identify

31:37

as non-binary . I

31:39

was socialized as a woman , I grew up in a woman

31:41

. I feel more comfortable in women's spaces , even though

31:43

I'm non-binary , right , and that's okay and I'm welcome

31:45

in those spaces . I prefer

31:47

that the organizations I participate with have

31:49

some element of giving back to the community . I

31:52

like there to be some direct sellers in the group

31:55

, because direct selling is a

31:57

typically stigmatized profession

31:59

and I want a group

32:01

where they are welcomed

32:04

the same way everybody else is . So

32:06

that really means something to me if you have direct sellers

32:08

. If there's an organization that says that they don't accept

32:10

direct sellers , then I don't want to join them right

32:12

Now . That said , there are

32:14

people who would prefer not to be part of an organization

32:17

where there are direct sellers , and that is your prerogative

32:19

. But know that right . And

32:21

if you're a direct seller , don't try to join those right Now

32:24

. I

32:27

also won't consider an organization that doesn't have

32:29

a discounted fee or a free option

32:31

for guests to visit , because

32:34

if you have to sign up to even go to a single

32:36

meeting or you have to be sponsored to join

32:38

, it's just not something that appeals to me . I don't think that

32:40

it's wrong or right , it's just not my thing . These

32:43

are my requirements and I built them over the years

32:45

. I didn't know these were my requirements when I first

32:47

started . When I first started , I just was going to networking

32:49

events and I picked these out as

32:51

I went , it was like , ooh , I don't like this or oh , I like

32:53

that , right . I typically

32:55

also don't like networking events that are all about like

32:58

you come in and all you're doing , everybody's selling , everybody's

33:00

selling , everybody's selling like . I find that to be incredibly boring

33:02

. Now you'll

33:04

build your own list of what you like and you don't like as

33:06

well , but the only way you're actually going to learn

33:08

is through trial and error . So

33:11

I've been through about 20 to 30

33:13

different networking events by different organizations

33:16

over the last five years , depending on where I was living

33:18

and what I was doing and what my goals were , and

33:21

I joined one in each region and I

33:23

ended up ultimately . Now you know I just have the one

33:25

and I have the sexual conference for women

33:27

that I'm on the board for , and that's really enough

33:29

. Like I really built most of my network through

33:31

that in terms of my professional network

33:33

, because there's more than just professional networks right , there's

33:36

also the regional conference

33:38

and event . This is the South Shore Conference for Women . Right

33:40

Now , there are tons

33:43

of national conferences happening all over . Those

33:46

are typically not helpful for building

33:48

your local relationships , okay

33:51

. So that's really where that challenge comes in . Is that , if you're trying

33:53

to build local relationships . You're going to a national

33:55

event . It can be challenging . So trying

33:57

to find region specific or

33:59

locally specific conferences will

34:01

really help you because then the people that you're meeting are from

34:03

your area , which will give you the ability

34:06

to further

34:08

that relationship sooner , faster and

34:10

more effectively . Right Now

34:12

, typically these events

34:15

are meant to not really create like there

34:17

, of course , did help to create business opportunities , of

34:19

course , but they're also really there to create relationship

34:21

and networking opportunities for people and they

34:23

take a very different take

34:26

on conferences and topics

34:29

that are relevant because they're really centering

34:32

around a region as opposed to around

34:34

a particular subject

34:36

matter . You know what I'm saying . So

34:39

if you're in Massachusetts , anywhere

34:41

, you can check out . She's Local because there

34:43

are about 10 or 11 conferences that

34:45

are like hyper local to the New England area

34:47

there . So I know for sure that that's something that exists in Massachusetts

34:50

. I would definitely recommend checking your

34:52

local area to see event . Bright is

34:54

a good place to be looking for that . That's sort of , I think

34:56

, how I found it and also

34:58

join your local chamber . Now

35:01

you don't have to join your local chamber , like as

35:03

when I say that let me rephrase you don't have to pay to

35:05

join . You can follow them on Instagram , you can

35:07

go to their website and check things out . So you don't have

35:09

to join with money . You can get a huge

35:11

value out of your chamber just by

35:14

looking at what they're offering . The

35:16

other thing is is some networking events

35:18

. Some organizations have

35:20

relationships

35:23

with chambers so that if you're like in

35:25

the SSWBN , we have a complimentary

35:27

membership with the chamber right . So now we

35:29

have both , and so you may be able to

35:32

have that as well . So that's

35:34

something to consider Now . So what

35:36

you're really looking for in this particular case

35:38

is local conferences and events that are bringing local

35:40

people together . Okay , so

35:42

now the thing

35:44

to keep in mind with the local conferences is

35:46

that the first year of a local conference

35:48

for you attending you , kind

35:51

of either it can go either way , either

35:53

you can use it . So what I typically do

35:55

is I'll go in and I'll use it to get you know

35:57

, to sort of like plant the first seeds , but

35:59

it's not typically the moment that actually

36:01

, like you know , ignites everything

36:04

. What ignites everything is a follow up that I do after

36:06

. So don't forget to follow up after

36:08

conferences , because it's really hard to build relationships

36:11

with people if you're not following up , okay

36:13

, all right , so

36:15

then the

36:18

then . Then let's talk about , lastly , hobbies , crafting

36:20

, gaming . Okay , so this one , this is

36:22

just interest unrelated to work , unrelated

36:24

to business . It's really just pulling people

36:27

together around hobbies , things

36:29

that they love to do together . Look

36:31

in your area for local craft studios pottery

36:33

studios , paint and sip , quilting and crafting

36:36

. You can find these in

36:38

your local events on Facebook . On next door

36:40

, you can find them on meetup . If you're in

36:42

the South Shore , hit me up . There's a . They

36:45

have so many connections for crafts and there's a crafting

36:48

studio nearby where they she does a lot of events

36:50

. You might center around

36:52

mindfulness , mental health , like yoga

36:55

, meditation group classes , things like that

36:57

where people get to know each other . If

36:59

you're into sports tennis

37:01

, your local adult rec center , like getting

37:03

together . There's a . There's a tennis group that meets in

37:05

the local playground and it's a bunch of people and

37:07

I saw them there

37:10

and I thought , yeah , you know what are these like . This is like a closed group , like what's

37:12

the story ? And I asked them about it and they were like no

37:14

, like this is our wreck . This is the field

37:16

that we come in and play tennis . We are all part of the adult

37:18

education tennis thing and but I

37:20

thought they were all friends who just did this every Wednesday . Nope

37:22

, they it's . These are

37:24

people who . That's how they met each other . So

37:27

your local adult education

37:29

center might have a might

37:31

have a lot in there as well , looking

37:33

for things centered around crafting

37:35

a language . You know , these are learning something

37:37

, right , curiosity . So those are really

37:39

great ways to meet people because in those cases you're

37:41

really you're you're . It kind of absolves

37:44

you of all of the anxiety and whatnot , because kind

37:46

of you go in and you're focusing on this

37:48

one task and like , if it's like , let's say

37:50

, it's like a three day course or like

37:52

something you have time to get to know each other

37:54

, it's also a really great way

37:56

. So , like , one of my friends did pottery and she said

37:58

you know , what happened with her when she did pottery was like

38:00

she was so focused she didn't want to be talking to her

38:02

and she's like leave me alone , whatever right . But then she got

38:04

more familiar and comfortable with it , like she didn't need

38:06

as much of her attention to be going on that and now she

38:09

started having conversations with people around her . You

38:11

know , this was like a six week pottery class . So there's a lot

38:13

of different ways to

38:16

build relationships in these things . It's just a

38:18

matter of figuring out what do you like to do . My

38:21

wife built her friends group this is actually

38:23

great . So she plays competitive

38:26

card games right , like a

38:28

magic type card games , right and so she went

38:30

to this local card gaming store for

38:32

a net runner night to play net runner with

38:34

a bunch of people . That's the card game

38:37

, and she ended up meeting a group of

38:39

people and then they came over to our house like 10 , 15

38:41

years ago . Literally , they no longer play

38:43

net runner , but this group of people is now

38:45

so much wider , bigger , like

38:47

the relationships that were built around it were

38:50

lifetime relationships now

38:52

and now they have like people

38:54

come in and talk about finance and other things , like there's

38:56

a lot more that got built , but it started with

38:58

the , with the fundamental desire to play net runner

39:00

together and that's it . Look

39:04

on for . Look on Eventbrite . Eventbrite is

39:06

a really great place to find events

39:08

and then also ask on your local

39:10

, your own like Facebook page . You

39:12

can join your local Facebook group

39:14

. You know we have a Facebook group called All About Plymouth

39:17

. We had one called All About Franklin , like

39:19

they have what was called something fanking connection

39:21

, like every town has something like that

39:23

, or most towns do leverage that and ask

39:25

in there hey , do we have something like this ? The

39:29

other thing to think about is this if you are

39:31

sure , if you get fine

39:33

stuff and you are so inclined , you

39:36

can set something up yourself , okay

39:38

? So years ago , my sister

39:40

went to a networking event . You never know , because this story

39:43

is going to , we're going to go back to the 11th grade , 11

39:45

year old Saira not having a party story , right

39:47

. So Saira

39:49

went and did

39:52

a resume workshop , right , oh

39:54

, no , no , no . So , okay

39:56

, you can set something up if you're

39:58

so inclined . So years ago , saira

40:01

went to a networking

40:03

event in Hollis and

40:05

the event itself was fine . She went in

40:07

, everybody talked , but like , while everybody

40:09

was talking , like eight people needed

40:12

help with their resume and Saira

40:14

was like , and she's amazing at resumes , like so good . So

40:16

Saira was like , yeah , you know

40:18

what I can help you guys with resumes , sure . And

40:21

so she . They did an impromptu resume

40:23

thing , like . So one of the women at the event

40:25

said you know what ? We can do it in my house . So they set

40:27

up an impromptu resume training session . Saira

40:30

went to the house , she had eight people there . Saira helped them out with their

40:32

resume . It was amazing . She developed a new set

40:35

of friends . It was fabulous , all was great right . And

40:37

while they were having this resume

40:40

thing , saira , the story about

40:43

the 11th birthday party came up and she told

40:45

them the story about how nobody showed up to her 11th birthday

40:47

party . Okay , and everybody was predictably

40:49

like , oh my God , how awful , right , cause , like that

40:51

sucks . So Her

40:56

resume writing abilities were apparently so great that

40:59

they were like oh my God , you

41:01

know what , we're gonna spread the word about you . So

41:03

they started spreading the word about Sire . So

41:05

there's one day Sire gets a call and the

41:09

one of the women says

41:11

you have to come over to my house right now . There's

41:14

somebody here and she needs your help . There's a resume

41:16

emergency . And so Sire calls me

41:18

on the way to this . She calls

41:21

me and she goes and we're talking

41:23

and I'm like where are you going ? She was like , oh , I got this call from

41:25

this person . And she's like you know

41:27

, somebody needs help as a resume emergency . And I'm like what

41:29

the fuck is a resume emergency ? Like

41:31

, is there a job that she has to apply for , like

41:33

immediately like I don't know what

41:35

a resume emergency is . But okay , whatever , right , we

41:38

thought it was super weird , but you know , and so

41:40

she's driving . And so she's like I'm almost here

41:42

, okay , I got wait a minute . She's like why

41:44

are there so many people here ? She's like she's

41:46

like all these people have a resume emergency

41:49

. So I

41:51

was like okay , I was like whatever , well , let

41:53

me know what happens , cause it's fucking weird . So

41:55

she's like , all right , so she brings the doorbell and

41:58

she goes in and they , she says , oh , come

42:00

, come to the yard , right , and they bring

42:03

her to the yard and

42:06

they had thrown her in

42:09

11th birthday party . Everybody

42:11

came and they had a pony , and

42:14

they got the kinds of toys

42:16

that you'd given 11 year old in 1992

42:20

, you know , or 1991

42:23

, and they give her cabbage batch , kid and Barbies

42:25

, and it was just , they threw her in 11th birthday

42:27

party . And then we're like so many people . So she called her friend

42:30

, her husband and her kids , they

42:32

all came and

42:35

it was . So she

42:37

sent me a picture and she told me , and I was like what

42:40

? And

42:42

it just goes to show you

42:44

that that

42:46

these

42:50

things they don't define

42:52

us , you know , and that there is so much

42:54

kindness and joy in the world and that you

42:56

don't know where these relationships

42:58

are going to go . So what I want to invite you to do as you're

43:00

, as

43:03

you're thinking about this don't go into these things

43:05

automatically thinking that they're

43:07

going to be bad , because look at what happened , right

43:09

. Like they that , like I , know that anxiety and

43:12

anxiety are going to be a big part of this . I

43:15

know that anxiety makes us feel like we're going to be rejected

43:17

, but you never know what's

43:19

going to happen when

43:22

you set something up yourself , right , so

43:24

okay . So , last but not least

43:26

, I want to encourage you to go slow . If

43:29

you're like me , then every time you have an idea to do something

43:31

, you come up with a plan to bust it right out of the park from

43:33

day one and you're like , yeah , I'm going to totally do this

43:35

. You make a plan , you

43:38

have events scheduled every week and you go balls

43:40

to the walls and

43:43

by the time you're done with week two , you want to die

43:45

and you're like , totally over it . I did . I remember

43:47

, actually , when I did this , the

43:50

very beginning . So , like April 2018-ish

43:52

, like that whole era , oh Jesus , I

43:54

burnt , my , I was , so I was already

43:56

burnt out and I burnt myself out even more on network

43:58

. It was awful . Now there's a

44:00

whole mechanism for

44:02

how to methodically go through a list of networking events

44:05

that I put

44:07

together for my coaching group that is now available on the

44:09

YouTube channel . It's called adding

44:13

rocket fuel to your social , and

44:16

the link for that is in the show notes . It's really important

44:18

to just take baby steps . It takes a

44:21

lot of emotional effort to develop friendships

44:23

and change is really taxing . Plus

44:25

, you are more likely to

44:28

see giant changes really fast

44:30

if you take tiny , inconsistent

44:32

steps . And it just so happens that

44:35

the last episode we did episode 70

44:37

with Teneza shares . She

44:39

talked about how often we try to make these big sweeping

44:41

changes in our lives , desperately trying to

44:43

live up to our own perfectionist visions , and

44:46

how these plants never work and we're

44:49

not going for perfection here . Okay , so

44:51

we're not going for perfection . Going

44:53

perfection is the reason why you've had trouble making

44:55

friends as a grown up . Before Each

44:58

action that you take is you planting

45:00

a seed in your community . So as long

45:02

as you're planting one seed here , one seed there

45:04

on a consistent basis , then your garden will grow and

45:06

it will feed you forever . But it

45:09

will take patience . My therapist

45:11

tried to impress us upon me and

45:13

I listened to her and I trusted her and

45:15

it annoyed the fuck out of me , but I did it and she

45:17

was right , and so I

45:19

now share this with people and I know that I'm annoying

45:22

people , but I'm still right and it sucks

45:24

. I know that it may feel like

45:27

if you dive in and do all the social things at once

45:29

, then you'll have that all the friends

45:31

and the networking and everything that you could have possibly wanted

45:33

. But just like that story with the

45:35

golden goose right , that

45:37

is absolutely not how it works . If you try

45:40

to dive in and do all the things , you will burn yourself

45:42

out in the process in less

45:44

than a month and then you'll have a bunch of classes

45:46

and memberships that you paid for and that you'll feel guilty

45:48

about not going to . So the strategy

45:50

may seem slower to slow down but it's

45:52

the one that will actually work . Thank you

45:55

so much for being with me today on

45:57

this podcast , on this lovely , lovely

45:59

day . I hope that

46:01

you feel like you have a direction

46:04

to go in to learn how to make

46:06

friends as a grownup , and if you

46:08

need the blueprint , then you are

46:10

welcome to head over to the YouTube channel

46:12

. If you're already on the YouTube channel , you can check

46:14

out this card at the

46:16

end of the video . That will take

46:18

you to the beginning of

46:20

the how to jumpstart

46:24

your social . The thing to keep in mind is this

46:26

is that this was originally written for

46:28

business owners , so the framework

46:30

will be very businessy , okay

46:32

, cause that's who I wrote it for . However

46:35

, the methodology and

46:37

the framework will still apply

46:39

. You'll just have to translate it into that

46:41

space . So it's a very helpful tool , but

46:44

it will require a little bit of translation . But

46:46

it is the secret sauce to amplifying

46:49

just about everything that you do on

46:52

social in your relationships and is a really

46:54

, really great way for you to make friends , even

46:57

as a grownup å…¸

47:07

having fun . You'll like it pretty much . You

47:11

are a Psychologist .