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The Intangible is a limited series anthology

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of audio literature that explores that fleshy

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veil which we must all one day pierce. We're

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happy to have you here, and even happier to keep

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you. The pleasure is all mine. It's an honor,

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I know. Yes, I know you. You know me, even if

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you don't believe it yet. I know everyone. Who

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am I? Who am I to ignore the fourth and every

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wall? I often disregard rules. I rather enjoy

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it, in fact. Rules exist only for those who choose

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to adhere. Me, I do not adhere well to rules.

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Not at all. I know what you're thinking. Could

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I be him? Followed by the slither of uncertainty

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and a taste of dread. Like discovering a hair

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in your mouth as you swallow. A persistent irritation.

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Like a lash lost in your eye. Like something

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lurking in the dark. An unpleasant thing. A shiver

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dances down your spine. Like the cool tips of

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a lover's fingers. Playing children's games across

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the skin of your back. Yes. I enjoy those thoughts

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of yours. Am I deceptive? Some would have you

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believe that. Do I lie? Never. I'll tell you

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who I am, and you won't believe me. Not until

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the time comes when you do. But by then, it will

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be too late. Do you know me now? Yes, you do.

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I am the devil. Yes, I enjoy the flavor of your

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reeking doubt, and I swallow it whole. Ask yourself,

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to whom do you answer? Not to me, and I'm intrigued

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by your internet search history. So we both know

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it isn't. You know who. If not me, and if not

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you know who, then someone else perhaps. You

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must know. You do. Yes, that's right. You know

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who. You answer to yourself. Ooh, that left me

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feeling a little funny inside. Seems like a nice

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enough guy, or gal. Just like a certain old vaudevillian

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who goes by the name of Larry. Larry was once

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the star performer of the illustrious Jack Davis

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Troupe and became widely known for his act, which

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was billed as the dizzying, daring, dazzling,

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death -defying high wire act. Larry will tell

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you all about it right now. Presenting! high

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over Manhattan. Year after year. This. Chirping

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children in costumes and the timbre of wary parents.

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I keep hoping they'll finally get rid of me and

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this old bag of bones they call a body. But every

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year it's the same dance and the same song. It's

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demeaning. Don't they know I'm an old vaudevillian?

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They ought to tear up that contract. They should

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toss me in the tepid water. Let me finally sink.

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Throw us all three out the window. The bathwater,

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the baby, and me. Why can't they understand?

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I was set up, see? Just an easy Connie's mock.

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A skinny duck pin too busy keeping my coattails

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tucked beneath my backside to watch for that

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third ball rolling right at me, coming down the

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alley. I'm a sincere fellow. I feel bad about

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what happened. I do. Still, this is cruel. You

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can't go and do something like this to a man

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and go around thinking it's right, because it

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ain't right, I'll tell you that right now. I

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was a master of my craft, and that deserves respect.

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I had done that routine hundreds of times, with

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or without the baby. Somebody greased that girder

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on purpose, I tell you. Probably that stingy,

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sniveling agent of mine, looking to squeeze another

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shilling out of me at any cost. Well, Mr. Jack

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Davis, now we know, don't we? You told folks

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all over town you were sterling. Bonafide, you

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said. Ha! A bonafide skunk you are, sir. Two

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lives for two pence, I suppose. May that little

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girl rest in peace. You saw to it. We were both

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sent to pieces. Now look at me. I'm the one who's

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bonafide. And you? You're slicker than a greased

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-up tub of greased -up butter. No trouble at

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all for you, was it, Mr. Davis? Must have been

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the talent's fault, right? Isn't that what you

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told them? Isn't that what you said, Jack? That

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it was me? Me? I am a pure professional. Always

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have been. That's right, you heard me. You were

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the one who gave me the gin that night. I couldn't

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be rude and decline. Now could I? What do you

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take me for? Low class? It would have been ungentlemanly.

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A man has got to have some manners. Especially

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a man like me. A man about town. What with being

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bright in the people's eye. Oh, you let it happen.

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Insisted even. Fourteen stories high and a baby,

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Jack. A baby! You were there. You could have

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stopped it. This was your fault, Jack. You should

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have known better. Some shows on some nights,

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on some bills, well, they get scratched. And

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that's just the way it is. You, of all people,

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ought to know that. Sometimes an act is, well,

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they ought to be left off the bill altogether,

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if you catch my meaning. And if you were bona

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fide, as you claimed yourself to be, you would

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catch it fine, I'll say. You should be here,

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Jack. Not me. You. You should be the one hanging.

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Now here I am, doing this same routine, the same

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song, the same dance, year after year. Will they

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ever toss me out with the rest of the rubbish?

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Oh, I should be so lucky. They... Here they come.

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Excuse me a moment, if you would be so kind.

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Yes, a quick act, thank you. I won't be long.

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No, no, not at all. Creepy greetings and good

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evening. How do you do? I'm Larry. A skeleton

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they forgot to bury. Cha -cha -cha! I sing and

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I dance and I chatter and clatter to entertain

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and terrify you. Boo! Happy Halloween. Look,

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pal, you don't gotta say it. I already know,

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in case you couldn't tell. Just imagine it. This,

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year after year, barely two lines. Not even that

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if my juice gets low. It's demeaning, I say.

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There's no heart in it, no soul, and I'm worn

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out. These old bones of mine, they're heavy,

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and I'm weary. Please put me in the bathwater.

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Let me finally sink and someone hold the baby.

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Please promise me you'll keep her warm. Then

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just toss me out. Well, some people never get

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it, do they? If only he could have somehow gone

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back in time and changed the outcome. Speaking

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of time travel, allow me to introduce our next

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story. Searching Somewhere That's it! I got it!

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I couldn't tell you half of what Enzo said, but

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that was the only part that mattered. He had

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figured out something. See, when he worked, Enzo

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was like a different person, technical and precise

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about everything he did or said. I spent half

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my time with him trying to decipher his intellect

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and the other half doing what I could to help.

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After he was done, he would resume his normal

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life again and talk like a normal man talks,

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eventually explaining to me what had gone down

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that day in terms even I could understand. Sort

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of. Enzo had found a way to send objects through

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time, but the hitch was, in his words, Time is

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a fickle little rat. I can send the apple through

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time, but due to the infinite nature of paradoxes,

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it goes, well, I don't know where exactly, but

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it goes somewhere. Enzo thought he might have

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a solution using the same principles which were

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somehow related to quantum entanglement. That

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much I could understand. Sort of. His plan was

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to manipulate the test object, an apple in most

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cases, through time while simultaneously moving

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it through space. Essentially, Enzo was attempting

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to account for both universal expansion and the

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Earth's orbital rotation. He planned to use a

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wormhole in conjunction with time travel to jettison

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the object into the space where he wanted it.

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Here, in the shed behind his house. The trouble

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was, the theory he had put together was primarily

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focused on the time element, and although he

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knew both could be affected by the device he'd

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built, he really didn't know what he would need

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to alter in order to teleport the apple. Essentially,

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he said. That's what we're doing. We're teleporting

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the apple while simultaneously causing time to

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slip off of it. Like a sort of cosmic lubrication.

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Nothing like some good old cosmic lubrication

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to keep the apple on schedule. I laughed a little

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too loudly and held my can of beer high, proud

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of my toast. Enzo was not impressed. Weeks went

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on with him tinkering around. Then one day, he

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muttered some scientific jargon I didn't understand,

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followed by... That's it! I got it! He was right,

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I suppose, because when he showed me how it worked,

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the apple did change locations. And it did appear

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in the second box he had built as a target. I

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couldn't tell where it went in between the two

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boxes, of course. But I believed Enzo when he

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said he had it all figured out. Honestly, you'd

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think it would be more amazing than it was. But

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really, it was just an apple over there instead

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of over here. Nothing spectacular. Besides, the

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apple couldn't report anything about its experience.

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So yeah, it was cool, I guess. I was just happy

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to see Enzo so excited. I know how this next

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part is going to sound, but hear me out before

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you judge us. We needed a human test subject.

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Enzo had already tested a bunch of animals with

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it by that time. And even his dog, Briar, who

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seemed fine. Enzo had got the idea that maybe

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he could create a loop in the wormhole and make

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it double back on itself. He showed me what he

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meant by making a circle with a piece of clothesline and pinching the clothes. Where he pinched, he

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told me, would be a single point in spacetime.

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If he started with one apple here, and then increased

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the cosmic lube, he believed he could force an

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object to slip forward through time, controlling

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it until it doubled back and landed where the

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other apple had been. So then, he hypothesized,

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there would be an original apple, plus a copy

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of the original apple from a different point

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in time. I must have looked confused, because

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Enzo explained it again. What's your favorite

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cartoon? He asked. Um, Old Rapscallion, I guess?

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Okay, let's say you wanted to see Old Rapscallion

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knock himself into a pile of bones. You could

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cut a frame of film from a different place in

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the movie while the film is still rolling, and

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then lay the frame on top of a new frame that

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hasn't played yet. Now you would see two of the

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same character on screen. He said it wouldn't

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matter if the old frame of film was missing,

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because that part of the movie had already played.

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It wouldn't be missed, and it might even resolve

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the paradox issue. Well, it sounded good to me.

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Sort of. Enzo worked on it another month. Then

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he called me on the phone one day. You gotta

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come see this! I'm not even mad anymore, but

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I still feel jumpy when I remember. Enzo had

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it all worked out, but he couldn't test the machine

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himself because he needed to operate it. Since

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he knew I wasn't keen to risk being turned into

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applesauce, he pushed me. Took me by surprise,

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too. We hadn't even finished saying hello, and

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he had the beam lit up already. Bam! Pushed me

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right into the light. I can't say I felt much.

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Some tingling. Like when your foot went to sleep

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and is waking back up. but it only lasted a second.

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Then, I was looking straight at myself. Almost

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immediately, the machine Enzo had built began

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whining like an alarm was going off. Stay calm,

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Enzo told us. I figured this might happen. It's

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okay. Then he lunged at us. Hard to say which

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one he was going for, since I suppose to him,

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we were one and the same. Not to us, though.

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We both guessed what he was up to, and I went

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for the other me, the paradox, trying to get

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the jump on her. We wrestled for a few seconds,

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and then Enzo was in the fray, tugging and yelling

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at us that nobody knows the consequences and

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something about something blowing up. I think

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it was either the machine or the universe, but

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even that wasn't going to convince either one

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of us to get in the light again. Enzo was smart

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enough to know that. Hands up! He coerced us

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instead. He cocked his pistol and made us turn

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around. The last thing I heard was Enzo. Nobody

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said this was going to be easy. Then a sharp

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shove, center of my back, tingling. I've been

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here for a while now. Somewhere. When a worm

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eats an apple, it leaves a wormhole. And according

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to my calculations, when a wormhole eats an apple

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with a wormhole, the wormhole has eaten itself.

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That much I can deduce, but it leaves me with

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one question. What happened to the worm? Does

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he also eat himself? Yet another instance of

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Ouroboros? What's one thing you wish you could

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say to someone but you can't because they're

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gone? Could be a question, apology, and I love

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you. Anything at all as long as it's for somebody

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you knew in life who's gone now. An old friend

17:22

of mine told me about her breakup. That's not

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a great time in my life to, you know, give ear,

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lend an ear to someone else in my life. And she

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talked to me about that breaking up with someone

17:38

and completely having that person disappear from

17:42

your life is just the same as having that person

17:45

dead. And I have so many people that is no longer

17:50

part of my life that's essentially dead. That

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friend of mine, I lost her too. I was a bad friend

17:59

and I wish I could come back and tell her, Hey,

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I'm sorry. You caught me at a bad time, but...

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Given that I am your friend, I wish I could have

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done better. For you, and for myself. Pardon

18:38

me. My diligence is due, and an honest man's

18:40

wages won't pay themselves. So please forgive,

18:43

I plea. My soliciting is solely with the intent

18:46

to impress upon you the validity and veracity

18:48

of Angels Alive, our most extraordinary, essential,

18:51

excellent elixir. Have you not heard? Angels

18:54

Alive Extraordinary Elixir is indeed extraordinary,

18:56

but it is also much, much more. Not only is Angels

19:00

Alive extraordinary elixir, a robust and rotund

19:02

elixir, it is an excellent, exceptional, efficacious,

19:05

effectual, potent, powerful, marvelous, magnificent

19:07

one, and is, as always, an utterly edible, enjoyable,

19:11

potent, potable, pleasantly piquant and palatable, desirable, delicious, delectable, mouth -watering,

19:15

and yet... morally respectable the elixir of

19:18

the finest quality of the most refined purity developed under the sharpest eye of scrutiny

19:22

safely and scientifically circulated carefully

19:24

crafted and combined by the bright and the brilliant

19:26

the astute and acute the clever and keen shaman

19:30

of the sheik a mystifying medicine man from a

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mysterious perplexing peculiar part of pawang

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located deep deep down in the far southwest of

19:39

the east For an elixir so unusually useful, Angels

19:43

Alive Extraordinary Elixir is, for a time too

19:46

temporary to tell, uncommonly priced. Every extraordinary

19:51

bottle of Angels Alive Extraordinary Elixir must

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go. And remember, folks, a bottle bought is always

19:57

a bottle sold. Blaze Bentley stood ready, zap

20:03

gun in his right hand, a shimmering sack in his

20:06

left. It was Corporal Bentley's sworn duty to

20:09

protect the Quantonium Crystal with his life.

20:13

You there, he shouted in a deep, bellowing voice.

20:17

Stop in the name of the Republic of the New Milky

20:20

Way! A rocket launched in the distance, streaking

20:24

a blue -green flame across the black starlit

20:26

sky. The alien hissed and clicked in sinister

20:30

tones at Blaze as it crept closer. The tips of

20:33

its insect legs ticked and scraped across the

20:36

dusty ground. One leg was already injured and

20:39

left a crooked trail behind the creature. Blaze

20:42

was ready to fire, but he had to issue one more

20:45

warning in order to comply with the code. Stop

20:48

right there, you disgusting bug! I will blast

20:52

you if I have to! The monster's scaly mandibles

20:55

scraped open, then closed. Scraped open, then

20:59

closed. Blaze knew the behemoth was preparing

21:01

to spit its venomous acid, but the hero leapt

21:04

into action. He yelled, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

21:08

The giant alien insect screeched and crashed

21:11

over to its side, making a great ruckus and sending

21:14

a giant plume of moon dust into the sky. Blaze

21:17

approached cautiously and towed the thing's greenish

21:20

-brown exoskeleton with his white space boot.

21:23

Corporal Blaze Bentley suddenly found himself

21:25

on his back, staring up at the ceiling, unable

21:28

to move. He was once again just a simple plastic

21:32

toy. Nathan! Dinner! Coming! Nathan tramped downstairs.

21:38

What's for dinner, Mom? Can we have pizza? Welcome

21:46

to Colony 7 -2. How often do you get let into

21:51

a moon colony, Will? This is history in the making.

21:55

New vaccine. Supposed to protect you from the

21:58

zombie virus. Just a precaution. The name's Hen.

22:02

I'm one of the local radio hosts, and you have

22:05

been assigned as my co -host. Oh my god, are

22:09

you okay? You're not looking too good. Are you...

22:12

Shit! Someone just turned! I... Oh, shit. What?

22:21

Will, what do you mean? Do you think this is

22:25

a scratch? Or a bite. Hey, it's only three days.

22:32

Two. You know. Either he turns or he doesn't.

22:36

Simple as that. Listen to Apocalypse Radio wherever

22:41

you get your podcasts. You've been listening

22:50

to The Intangible, an audio literature program

22:53

of weird fiction. This was not a fever dream.

22:58

It's real bad. Thing is, it keeps getting worse

23:01

till one day you die. Does it get worse after