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I'm told it's super easy to
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do at mintmobile.com. Welcome
1:02
to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, super
1:04
fan Giovanni. This is the podcast with
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the Best Moments highlights and fans like
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clips from all 16 years of the
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1:27
Now note on that, we cannot play
1:30
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X, Adam Kroll, a morning show, unless it first
1:34
played on the podcast and added commentary about that
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with, like the Ann Coulter hang-up, some famous Loveline
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moments, Holocaust call, a couple other things, but for
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with clips on classics. If you'd like to hear
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any of that stuff around any other questions, please
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find me at patriam.com/Giovanni. That's where I handle all
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those other questions for shows and things that can't
1:54
be put in the speed. All right, let's get
1:56
to the clips. Come up first, we have Adam.
1:58
Corolla Show 565, Andrew
2:00
Breitbart, James Blunt, 2011. Check
2:03
it out. James
2:07
Blunt, and now, sending a message
2:09
to the fat cats in Washington,
2:11
Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on.
2:13
Got to get it on no
2:15
choice, but to get it on
2:17
mandate. Get it on. Thank you
2:19
all. Thank you for listening. Doing
2:21
a little one -on -one with James
2:23
Blunt, Andrew Breitbart today. First, my
2:25
damn channel. These guys are doing
2:27
what we do. My buddy Rob
2:30
started his own channel, got escanned
2:32
from CBS Radio about a year
2:34
before I did, probably because he
2:36
hired me. And he said, I'm
2:38
not going back to work for
2:40
VH1 or MTV. I'm starting my
2:42
own channel. My damn channel.com delivers
2:44
the best original comedy online. They
2:46
got big talent, none of the
2:48
Hollywood bullshit. They don't get in
2:50
front of the artists and stop
2:52
them from being great. I was,
2:54
Andrew, I was saying that to
2:56
somebody today. I said, actually, I
2:58
was saying it last night. I
3:00
was talking to Dr. Drew. I
3:02
said, my book, my independent movie,
3:04
my live shows and my podcast
3:06
are what people seem to like
3:08
for me the most. And what
3:10
is the common thread in all
3:12
those things? Independence? Yes, nobody's standing
3:14
around going, you know what? I'd
3:16
like to micromanage what you're thinking.
3:18
That's my business model, too. When
3:20
the second I get around somebody
3:22
that tells me how to do
3:24
it, I'm not me anymore. I
3:26
will listen to smart people and
3:28
their opinions. The problem is most
3:30
aren't, and they're not opinions. They
3:33
force them up your took guy.
3:35
My damn channel's got a new
3:37
series. See, like the bounce back
3:39
and forth between the guest and
3:41
the actual commercial. Well, it's not
3:43
a commercial. I use the product,
3:45
too. It's a friend. That's right.
3:47
My damn channel. They got a
3:49
new series called Versailles. It's ours
3:51
Patricia Heaton, David Hunt. He's Paddy's
3:53
husband, actually. Fred Willard and William
3:55
H. Macy. Not bad. I've seen
3:57
it. It's bad. bad. Yeah. Very
3:59
dark. very twisted. Lots of clips,
4:01
lots of riffs, lots of really
4:03
cool stuff. I've been watching it
4:05
online and enjoying the hell out
4:07
of it. Go to MyDamnChannel.com now
4:10
and find them on Twitter, Facebook,
4:12
and YouTube. So, Andrew, I was
4:14
just enjoying you on real time
4:16
just a couple days ago, I guess
4:18
it was. Yeah, with John Waters, one
4:20
of my heroes, a hero I'm not
4:22
supposed to have. You know what's weird? I
4:25
didn't know that much about,
4:28
well, let's...you and I agree on
4:30
a lot of issues, but I
4:32
don't know if John Waters is
4:34
one of them. I have read, what's
4:37
this book? Cracked? Crackpot. Crackpot. I
4:39
read that, thought it was amusing,
4:41
except for I was like 23.
4:43
I think he's an interesting guy.
4:45
I think his movies suck. Yeah,
4:47
Crackpot, The Obsessions. Yeah,
4:49
his movies suck or not. No,
4:51
I think Pecker and Serial Mom
4:53
is one of the best comedies
4:55
I've ever seen. Really? Oh, it's
4:57
brilliant. You ever see Defending Your
4:59
Life? Yeah, yeah, with Albert Brooks.
5:02
You're not going to say Serial
5:04
Mom is better than Defending Your
5:06
Life. was sublime. It was unbelievably
5:08
good. And Pecker is fantastic. It's
5:10
the origin of the term teabagging
5:12
into the common vernacular. Well, I
5:14
get to see my feeling with
5:16
him is he's not funny and
5:18
thus he's kitschy. When I see a guy
5:21
who's kitschy, I see a guy who's
5:23
not funny, who puts on something. Oh,
5:25
my God, I couldn't disagree with you
5:27
more. Don't you think it has more
5:29
horrible movies than good movies? Well, I
5:31
don't think Multiple Maniacs was meant to
5:33
be good cinema. I think it was
5:35
meant, here's what was so great about
5:37
his movies as a conservative, is that
5:39
he knew what the
5:41
fine line was in Decent Society
5:43
in the 1950s and people like
5:45
to kind of walk that fine
5:47
line and see maybe tap their
5:49
toe over that fine line. His
5:51
movies recognized that there was a
5:53
fine line and then he went
5:55
a thousand miles over it and
5:58
did the most repulsive, gross things.
6:00
and the country i believe needed that
6:02
it was a funny uh... it
6:04
was funny it was it was
6:06
cathartic now the problem is that
6:08
the people that copy him just
6:10
do gross to be gross right
6:12
and and it almost seems like
6:14
they want to make that normative
6:16
behavior so i think that he
6:18
just has great a great time
6:20
with the conventions of middle class
6:22
society and fortunately middle class society
6:24
has moved so far too gross
6:26
and pathetic that there's almost nothing
6:28
fun about what John Waters was
6:31
doing when at one point it
6:33
was funny just to be doing
6:35
it just to be doing it.
6:38
It was funny my assistant fished
6:40
a huge hairball of my wife's
6:42
hair out of the sink today.
6:45
They'd been clogging the sink today.
6:47
They'd been clogging the sink for
6:49
about six months. They'd been clogging
6:52
the sink for about six months.
6:54
I don't know what's up for
6:56
about six months. I don't know.
6:59
And he said, but don't you want
7:01
to see it? I said, not into
7:03
it. Like, not... I don't
7:05
really want to see Osama
7:07
bin Laden's blown open head.
7:09
Like, I'm not... Here's my thing.
7:11
If I can't beat off to it
7:14
or eat it, I don't want to
7:16
see it. Okay. That's the way I
7:18
want. See faces of death is a
7:20
teenager? No. I'm not interested.
7:22
I feel like I have
7:25
enough negative things running through
7:27
my mind. pink flamingos, polyester,
7:29
multiple maniacs, but there was
7:31
a place in a time
7:33
for it. Like midnight in
7:35
college at the college theater.
7:37
Righteous indignation is the name
7:40
of the book, excuse me,
7:42
while I save the world.
7:44
Andrew Brightbart is here. He's
7:46
got himself a website, it
7:48
is brightbart.com, and Andrew, what's
7:50
the... the gist of the book. I've not read
7:52
it. I just saw it today. Oh boy. The
7:54
gist of the book, the reason why, first of
7:56
all, it took me seven months to come up
7:58
the title in six months. write it. I'm proud
8:01
of the title because I found myself
8:03
in a natural position of defending the
8:05
Tea Party because I knew that the
8:07
mainstream media was going to attack it
8:09
mercilessly and they just impugned their motives
8:12
the second that they stood out there
8:14
and said we want lower taxes, we
8:16
want fiscal responsibility, we're for the constitution.
8:18
I said uh-oh the mainstream media is
8:20
going to attack these people and and
8:22
then they did they called them racist,
8:25
they called them violent. I started to
8:27
defend them and I just didn't... these
8:29
people if you listen to what they
8:31
have to say they want to fix
8:33
the country. They want to, they're just
8:35
your aunts and your uncles, your mothers
8:37
and your fathers and they're being perfectly
8:39
reasonable but the mainstream media came out
8:41
there and started to attack them and
8:44
this book was my transformation to a
8:46
great extent from being a protector of
8:48
and defender of the tea party to
8:50
actually realizing I was one of them
8:52
and I think that these people are
8:54
actually helping to save the world.
8:56
So this is about my travels
8:58
through new media and how effective
9:00
strategies of taking on the mainstream
9:02
media, my battles against the mainstream
9:05
media and how the new media
9:07
is pretty much taking over right
9:09
now. It's a huge revolution. Well,
9:11
why? Why is it the second
9:13
somebody says something like, I'd like
9:15
the lower taxes or I'd like
9:17
to cut into the deficit and
9:19
see if we could shrink that
9:21
a little or I'd like to
9:23
beef up the border a little
9:25
bit, worried, or I'd like to,
9:27
you know, I'd like to make
9:30
this country a little more secure
9:32
around the borders. How come it
9:34
doesn't take 10 minutes for someone
9:36
to call them a racist? It's
9:38
go, well, you know, how does that
9:40
work? There's one chapter, chapter six in
9:43
there, that's like a Glenn Beck history,
9:45
you know, a shockboard, okay? And it
9:47
is about how the Marxists, who had
9:49
tried to take over this country
9:51
for so many years with the
9:53
arguments of economic Marxism, who basically
9:56
would try and go to the
9:58
workers and say, hey workers, you
10:00
need to take over the owner. You
10:02
know, he's a bad guy and
10:04
they go, no, I've got a widget
10:06
I'm working on. I think, you
10:08
know, I've got a nice house. Everything's
10:11
okay. Our country was not susceptible
10:13
to economic Marxist arguments. The book talks
10:15
about these crazy social engineering guys
10:17
from the Frankfurt school who emigrated from
10:19
Nazi Germany basically to the United
10:21
States in the Columbia University and the
10:24
UCSD guys like the name of
10:26
Adorno Horkheimer. I could get into all
10:28
of them and they basically translated
10:30
economic Marxism from the haves versus
10:32
the have nots into the
10:34
oppressor versus the oppressed and so
10:36
all the people who are
10:38
leaving the humanities departments, I had
10:40
an American studies degree, are
10:42
leaving with this feeling there's black
10:44
versus white, there's gay versus
10:46
straight and they're pitting people against
10:48
each other and that's what
10:50
the leftists think. They think that
10:53
if you disagree with democratic
10:55
party policy, you have to be
10:57
a racist. You have to
10:59
be a sexist. You have to be
11:01
a homophobe and if the left
11:03
are going to call people on the
11:05
right birthers, I'm perfectly comfortable calling
11:07
people on the left racers because every
11:09
time you disagree with them, eventually
11:12
they call you a racist. Yeah, it's
11:14
one of these things where it's
11:16
like an Asian kid who's really good
11:18
with the Rubik's Cube speaking of racist.
11:20
I am a racist. I wear
11:22
it proudly and it takes them about
11:24
three moves but eventually gets the
11:26
racist and it's pretty fast. It's not
11:29
the first move. It doesn't come
11:31
back the first, you know,
11:33
you fire a shot, they fire back
11:35
racist. It goes back you volley like
11:37
three times and then the racist thing
11:39
comes out and then once they trot
11:41
that out, it just hangs out. I
11:43
don't understand to my whole family's a
11:46
bunch of, I don't know, ex
11:48
-communists. I don't know what, you
11:50
know, just lazy fucks who
11:52
complain about the government who, you
11:54
know, hammer welfare checks and
11:56
all this kind of stuff. And
11:58
I don't understand first things, how
12:00
they think things are going to work, like
12:03
communism doesn't
12:06
work. We did an experiment.
12:08
We did a controlled
12:10
experiment. We took a city
12:13
called Berlin and we made a stripe
12:15
through it and it was a
12:17
wall covered with barbed wire and machine
12:19
gun nests and one side of
12:21
it represented communism and the other side
12:23
of it represented our form of
12:25
government and people were dying going what
12:27
direction and what side couldn't you get fresh
12:29
bread in and you were driving around two
12:31
-stroke cars the other ones you're drinking wine
12:34
and hanging out. It's still
12:36
happening today I mean I was talking
12:38
to a friend who's a Texas
12:40
Rangers fan and he was telling me
12:42
about their their new outfield prospect
12:44
who's going to double A and they
12:46
said he he's from Cuba and
12:48
he defected I'm like oh yeah that
12:50
yeah they're prisoners right there it's
12:52
Craig go I go if it's such
12:54
a good society and Michael Moore
12:56
thinks it's so great why are they
12:58
prisoners well first off there's a
13:00
stripe in the middle of a country
13:02
and everyone is done you tell
13:04
me which direction the machine gunners are
13:06
facing everyone is dying going
13:08
one direction of course experiment over
13:10
arguments settled and but it's
13:13
not but it's not and right
13:15
now I'm everywhere I go
13:17
I I'm like who is it
13:19
Linus that had the sure
13:21
the black cloud over here I
13:23
think it was or Schlepprock
13:25
I think no I think Schlepprock
13:27
may have been from the
13:29
Flintstown yeah oh teabag no dirtbag
13:31
yeah yeah right dirt right
13:33
that I and my current controversy
13:35
happens to be a pig pen
13:37
pig pen right okay I'm pig
13:40
pen was also in the grateful
13:42
dead for a while right yeah
13:44
I'm pig pen of controversy and
13:46
my current controversy hovering above me
13:48
is these classes from the University
13:50
of Missouri some student has come
13:52
forward in a labor studies
13:54
course an introduction to labor studies
13:56
course and we have 30
13:58
hours of these tapes in which
14:01
they're indoctrinating these kids,
14:03
not just in communism. They
14:05
bring in a guy
14:07
for two hours to try
14:09
and get them to
14:11
sign up for the Communist
14:13
Party, but these labor
14:15
professors who work for the
14:17
unions and negotiation with
14:19
companies are talking about the
14:21
tactics of sabotage, the
14:23
tactics of intimidating executives following
14:26
them to church, following
14:28
them to the supermarket on
14:30
the weekend and getting in their
14:32
faces. At one point on
14:34
these videos, the teacher talks about
14:36
her friend who threw a
14:38
bunch of cats into a power
14:40
plant so that the cats
14:42
would get electrocuted so that the
14:44
power plant would lose electricity
14:47
in the community. And they're teaching
14:49
these tactics to these people
14:51
and I'm being accused as the
14:53
bad guy who's selectively editing
14:55
the videos. No, you are teaching
14:57
communism to these kids and
14:59
that's unfortunately what these public sector
15:01
unions who've been protesting up
15:04
in Wisconsin are all about. Again,
15:07
I was just yapping with somebody today,
15:09
look, I don't have an advanced
15:11
degree by any stretch of the imagination.
15:13
I just have common sense, which
15:15
is if you're a Nissan and you've
15:17
got your company in California and
15:20
you're paying a shitload of taxes and
15:22
workmen's comp and everything else and
15:24
then Nashville says, hey, we can set
15:26
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15:28
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15:30
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17:20
Nissan leaves California,
17:22
leaves Los Angeles, and goes to
17:24
Nashville, makes her headquarters there. It's
17:26
pretty simple. The argument I always
17:28
make is the film industry. You
17:30
have, and I got brought this
17:33
up a million times and it's,
17:35
you know, not reinventing this idea
17:37
or inventing it in the first
17:39
place, but you have a group
17:41
of the most leftist Tim Robbins worshiping
17:43
sort of fucking just thumping that drum
17:45
of why shouldn't people pay? Why
17:47
shouldn't the rich pay their fair share?
17:49
I love when they say that,
17:51
their fair share of taxes and how
17:53
come these big money makers and
17:55
these rich people need to pay more
17:57
and all that kind of stuff. and
18:00
then soon as it's time to for them to
18:02
go to work going to Canada going
18:04
to Prague going to New Mexico they're
18:06
going anywhere but where I live they
18:08
all live in Malibu they all live
18:10
in the palisades they all live in
18:13
Santa Monica Tim Robbins once you shoot
18:15
a movie in Santa Monica yeah you
18:17
can't they've screwed the pooch okay so
18:19
I'm just saying of course they're wild
18:21
hypocrites of course Alec Baldwin is you
18:23
know two years ago he's saying if
18:25
you raise the taxes in Manhattan we'll
18:28
all have to yes we'll all have
18:30
to go out of Manhattan right well
18:32
now you tell a corporation that
18:34
was why don't they understand that
18:36
there was a movie about Los
18:38
Angeles that came out about a
18:40
month or two ago do you
18:42
remember the one that about the
18:44
dystopian like the you know it
18:46
was like post-apocalyptic Los Angeles. Yes.
18:48
It was made in Shreveport. Oh
18:50
really? Louisiana. Yeah. How crazy is
18:52
that? They've screwed the pooch. And
18:54
the thing is, what the president's...
18:57
Why don't they admit that? Why?
19:00
Here's what I don't understand
19:02
about these arguments. Why these
19:04
are so fundamental.
19:06
And again... Businesses aren't good
19:08
or evil, they're just businesses. And if
19:10
you let them go out of the
19:12
country and they can save a nickel,
19:14
then that's what they do. Or you
19:16
let them go out of the state
19:18
and they can save a dime. That's
19:21
what they'll do. It's the same thing
19:23
the most leftist softest Democrats
19:26
on the planet do when it comes
19:28
time for them to go to work.
19:30
They have to leave and go to
19:32
work. I mean, I was Brian Cranston,
19:34
great dude, was on this show. And actually
19:36
when he was done with this show I
19:38
was I drove to the airport I drove
19:40
to Birdbank Airport He said I got a
19:42
car coming to pick me up I said
19:44
I'll give you a ride some my way
19:46
home sort of so I said Where are
19:48
you going and he said I'm going to
19:51
do season three of breaking bad? And I
19:53
said, where's that at? He says New Mexico?
19:55
I said it's all about the meth trade
19:57
ever think about the shooting that thing in
19:59
Riverside or something? Riverside, California, and he
20:01
said, use some work. Yeah, he said,
20:03
originally, that's where it was set. It
20:06
was set in Riverside, California. That's what
20:08
the script was. And I said, what's
20:10
going on in New Mexico? They give
20:13
us a break. So now Brian Cranston
20:15
is going to hop on a southwest
20:17
flight along with the rest of the
20:20
crew and go to New Mexico and
20:22
dump all their money into lodging and
20:24
restaurants and use all the local crews
20:27
and process all the stuff and do
20:29
all the, probably dumping millions. into the
20:31
economy of New Mexico. We get nothing
20:34
and isn't that the most fundamental thing
20:36
on the planet? Who does not understand
20:38
that concept about explaining my fucking five-year-old?
20:41
Yeah, this is what I'm pissed off
20:43
about. This is what I'm righteously indignant
20:45
about. It's basic stuff. I'm not that
20:48
political a person. I wish I could
20:50
just go back to going to 40
20:52
Dodger games and going to movies and
20:55
paying attention to what's on HBO. Los
20:57
Angeles is no longer Los Angeles. I
20:59
grew up in a place that when
21:02
I graduated from college in 1987 and
21:04
I moved down to New Orleans, I
21:06
found out that girls liked me simply
21:09
because the cashier that i was from
21:11
california it was unfair it was unfair
21:13
california is the greatest place in the
21:16
world and everybody wanted to be here
21:18
now you admit that you're from california
21:20
it's not the same what's happened because
21:23
i've been here my whole life it
21:25
sucks now it's horrible but it's the
21:27
worst place i i can't leave because
21:30
my parents are alive my children want
21:32
to be of their grand yeah i
21:34
can't leave but it's the word it
21:37
is it it it overnight it went
21:39
from the greatest place to the suckiest
21:42
place and it is because the people
21:44
who run this business are anti-business right
21:46
and again anyone you know I used
21:49
to be a contractor anyone who's ever
21:51
tried to build anything Andrew if you
21:53
tried to pull a permit and build
21:56
something that's when it really it goes
21:58
to the next level like That's
22:00
when you realize, I mean, that's when
22:02
you start getting into a sort
22:05
of Waco Ruby Ridge kind of mentality,
22:07
where it's like - Oh, you start
22:09
getting angry. Well, when you go
22:11
down to the city and they're like,
22:13
bring your checkbook and bring your
22:15
plans and cut us five grand for
22:17
this and five grand for that
22:19
and soils reports and compaction reports and,
22:21
I mean, I'm to tell you
22:24
this, if you want
22:26
to build something, you will
22:28
then need to hire a deputy inspector.
22:30
That's a guy who charged about 100 bucks
22:32
an hour and he sits in his
22:34
car for about a half hour and watches
22:36
a guy weld and then he leaves
22:38
and you have to pay him for a
22:41
full day. And then you have to
22:43
pay the city on top of that. And
22:45
it's, first off, it's an entire scheme
22:47
and it's a fucking Ponzi scheme where you
22:49
have to go get soils reports for,
22:51
you know, you don't need soils reports. You
22:53
have to get compaction reports, environmental reports.
22:55
It is absolutely insane how much money and
22:57
how expensive it is for them to let
22:59
you build. It's not the building itself.
23:02
And by the way, if you live in
23:04
Malibu and you're anywhere near the coastal
23:06
commission, fuck it, don't even try. By
23:08
the way, are you aware that the
23:10
Republican Party has nobody running for
23:12
the presidency right now and that if
23:14
you had put that out there
23:16
and by mistake people heard that and that
23:18
was your spiel, you would have gone
23:20
up to Donald Trump level at about
23:23
70. You would have gone up to
23:25
70%. And I'm just telling you, this
23:27
is foreshadowing, what is going to happen
23:29
over the next year with the Republican
23:31
Party is what happened in 2003 with
23:33
the Gray Davis recall. It's going
23:35
to be a freak show. It's going
23:37
to be porn stars. It's going to
23:39
be the ghost of Gary Coleman. It's
23:41
going to be Ariana Huffington. I'm telling
23:43
you, if you speak like that in
23:46
that, exactly that language, that's what this
23:48
country wants to hear right now. They're
23:50
sick of these Unix, these
23:52
white guys who are pole testing
23:54
everything. It really comes down to brass
23:57
tacks. It comes down to a
23:59
fundamental understanding of. how to make crap, how
24:01
to get that crap out to the
24:03
customer. Right. These people, I don't need
24:05
a politician to run this thing. I
24:08
need somebody who is a contractor. I
24:10
need somebody who has common sense who
24:12
has been in the real world within
24:14
the last five years, not somebody who's
24:17
been in a think tank for the
24:19
last 30. It's insane and, you know,
24:21
it was funny because I was watching
24:23
the Colbert report. report last night and
24:26
they were making fun of Donald Trump
24:28
and his 70 foot flagpole that's at
24:30
his golf course in uh... palis verdi's
24:32
uh... but it's his land it's a
24:35
beautiful seventy-foot flag poll and it has
24:37
a huge American flag on it and
24:39
there's an ordinance and that ordinance is
24:41
if you build anything higher than 16
24:44
feet or not build anything but put
24:46
a poll up higher than 16 feet
24:48
you got to go down to the
24:50
city and pull a permit and they're
24:53
making fun of Trump the entire time
24:55
because it's Colbert and it's Comedy Central
24:57
and everything but I find myself agreeing
24:59
with Trump the whole time. He spent
25:02
millions on that land God knows what
25:04
he pays in taxes. out there on
25:06
that land and if you want to
25:08
put a fucking flag pole up and
25:11
fly the fucking American flag how about
25:13
don't you guys have bigger fish to
25:15
fry than this this is really where
25:17
you want to you want to concentrate
25:20
your efforts on a guy who's putting
25:22
millions of dollars back into the tax
25:24
base and is flying the American flag
25:26
in front of the ocean blocking a
25:29
view of nothing except for The old
25:31
white guys that are hanging around spending
25:33
more money and putting more tax dollars
25:35
into your system. This is a picture
25:37
of the flag. Who gives a fuck?
25:40
He bought two billion acres over there
25:42
on Rancho Pals Verde's. He built a
25:44
championship golf course and now he's putting
25:46
a flagpole up. Excuse him for not
25:49
asking your permission. You, with you who
25:51
could not do what in the private
25:53
sector? You who's making $63,000 a year
25:55
running what? He should come kiss your
25:58
ass and then at some point... You're
26:00
going to force him to tear it
26:02
down? Fuck that. Fuck you. Go back
26:04
in your office and shut the fuck
26:07
up. My thing is with the
26:09
smoking stuff. I hate smoking more
26:11
than anyone that you'll ever meet.
26:13
But if somebody wants to create a
26:15
bar... or restaurant. That's all smoking and
26:18
I think that that's what the slippery
26:20
slope started and my dad lost that
26:22
battle. He was a lobbyist for the
26:24
California Restaurant Association and I got out
26:26
of the shower in college and I'm
26:29
like whoa my dad's on CNN in
26:31
our backyard and he's talking in our
26:33
backyard. My dad's I've never seen my
26:35
dad on TV in my life and
26:37
he's talking about how Beverly Hills wants
26:39
to get rid of smoking. I'm thinking
26:42
to myself wait. They want to get
26:44
rid of smoking. They had half
26:46
smoking and half non-smoking. Who's not
26:48
even happy with that situation? Rob
26:50
Reiner. Yeah, and I said, California
26:53
is a crazy place. It's filled
26:55
with a lot of flaky people.
26:57
This is a private owner. If
26:59
he wants to have an all-smoking
27:01
restaurant, the next door, somebody is
27:04
going to be smart and create
27:06
a non-smoking restaurant. Doesn't that make
27:08
sense? It's free property, it's free
27:10
property, it's free will. I don't
27:12
like smoking. I hate smoking, but
27:15
I take freedom as a higher
27:17
value. It's funny that you use
27:19
the smoking thing, because I think
27:21
about that all the time, and
27:24
I always use it as an
27:26
example of the difference between the
27:28
guys who wanted to smoke and the
27:30
NRA, which is they do what they
27:33
do, which is they go, hey, everyone
27:35
used to just sit around
27:37
restaurants, wherever, and smoke. And
27:39
they said, And the difference between the folks
27:42
that smoked in the NRA was this. I
27:44
secretly suspect this is what the NRA does.
27:46
I'm not a fan, but this is what
27:48
they do. This is part of their strategy.
27:50
So somebody came into the restaurant and he
27:52
said, hey, smokers, you know what? We're going
27:54
to need to move you on over here
27:56
and just create a little smoking section on
27:58
this side of the restaurant. we just pick
28:00
it up moving over here please
28:02
and everyone went oh yeah okay
28:04
and they went and sat in
28:07
the smoking section and then a
28:09
certain point somebody came up and
28:11
said hey smokers listen gunnage you
28:13
clear out of the dining area
28:15
but if you want to smoke
28:17
at the bar they'll be fine
28:19
and they just sort of got
28:21
up and went yeah okay all
28:23
right and then went sat in
28:25
the bar and then the same
28:27
guy came back again he said
28:29
Bad news gonna need you to
28:31
move you out front outside gonna
28:33
not can't have any smoking in
28:35
the bar or the rest just
28:37
go out front So they went
28:39
yeah, okay. So they stood out
28:41
on the sidewalk in front of
28:44
the valet and smoked a cigarette
28:46
And then the guy came out
28:48
again and said gonna need you
28:50
to move down the street 80
28:52
paces to smoke a cigarette and
28:54
you see they just kept getting
28:56
up and moving what the NRA
28:58
does is they say fuck you
29:00
we're not moving. Let's argue about
29:02
it and there's day and where
29:04
they are, meaning they said, hey
29:06
man, we need those hall tips.
29:08
bullets or cop killers where they
29:10
went, I don't think so. And
29:12
now we're just arguing about it.
29:14
And I don't think they're arguing
29:16
about that. They don't want to
29:19
keep sliding out and down the
29:21
sidewalk with the smokers. And this
29:23
is the way we are, especially
29:25
in California, which is we go,
29:27
hey, do this. And then someone
29:29
goes, all right, or we'll go,
29:31
hey, put a buck on the,
29:33
you know, put a, put a
29:35
tax on cigarettes for a dollar.
29:37
And then the next time they
29:39
go, And then all the people
29:41
that don't smoke and are full
29:43
of fucking righteous indignation, they go,
29:45
oh yeah, and then someone says
29:47
give it to the kids and
29:49
the next thing you know, where
29:51
we're at, which is, which is,
29:54
by the way, here's, here's all
29:56
I want to say about California
29:58
and Los Angeles. Is it working?
30:00
Does it seem like a utopia?
30:02
School systems unusable. I cannot send
30:04
my kids to the fucking L.A.
30:06
Unified School District. Boyer girl doesn't
30:08
matter. Let's home school. Can't we
30:10
just sit around? I couldn't teach
30:12
them anything. I get out of
30:14
breath, I go for the oxygen
30:16
air to take over. Where was
30:18
I? God damn it! What the
30:20
God damn... Yeah. I... I can't
30:22
send my kids to public school.
30:24
And the schools are fucked up.
30:26
And what about the lottery? Well,
30:28
that hasn't done shit for the
30:31
schools. It's like $13,000 or $14,000
30:33
per head. Of course. And if
30:35
you go over to the parochial
30:37
school, I think it costs on
30:39
average about three or four thousand
30:41
ahead. We do a horrific job
30:43
with everything. I'm agnostic and I
30:45
walked in two months before school
30:47
is supposed to start, six months
30:49
after the applications were taken in
30:51
the school, a parochial school on
30:53
the west side of Los Angeles,
30:55
and I almost had tears in
30:57
my eyes. And I said, I
30:59
screwed up. I didn't get my
31:01
kid into a private school and
31:03
he's about to have to go
31:06
to junior high and those are
31:08
the Lord of the Flies years.
31:10
I don't want my kid to
31:12
lose it and I said I
31:14
cannot afford to lose my kid
31:16
to moral relativism and all the
31:18
crap that goes on in this
31:20
place. Please God, a God that
31:22
I don't necessarily believe in. and
31:24
she let my kid into the
31:26
school and I'm telling you these
31:28
kids. She meaning the she got
31:30
or the she lady? The lesbian
31:32
around the school. It was, I
31:34
think it was Tanya Roberts. Nice.
31:36
Yeah. I was checking her out
31:38
last night on Charlie's Angel. Yeah,
31:41
good stuff. Great eyes. Yeah. Well,
31:43
it's weird, but I was saying
31:45
this morning, I said, you know,
31:47
they used to say, used to
31:49
hear that adage that you can
31:51
tell a society by how it
31:53
treats its prisoners. And I'm now
31:55
modifying that to you can tell
31:57
a city by what bumper stickers
31:59
are on the back of the
32:01
cop cars and I used to
32:03
stare at the end senior abuse
32:05
one on there that depressed the
32:07
shit out of me for a
32:09
long time and I saw one
32:11
the other day that said no.
32:13
K-N-O-W, I don't know why. No
32:15
human trafficking. Right. And I thought,
32:18
Jesus Christ, I know they don't
32:20
have this in Seattle. LA's turned
32:22
into a fucking dump. LA's a
32:24
dirt, first off, LA is dirty.
32:26
I mean, it's a filthy city.
32:28
There's trash everywhere. And I'll give
32:30
you, I'll give you LA in
32:32
a nutshell. I'll give it to
32:34
you right now. I drive here
32:36
every day along Forest Lawn Drive.
32:38
Okay, it's a long stretch right
32:40
right down the hill from where
32:42
Jacko is entombed up top and
32:44
it's a long straight Basically signalless
32:46
stretch a highway and people tend
32:48
to speed there because of pulvida
32:50
like it's a pulvida ask in
32:53
its width and breadth and of
32:55
course they know you're gonna speed
32:57
there and of course these speed
32:59
limits are sort of antiquated because
33:01
when my mom was driving a
33:03
VW Squareback with 70 series retread
33:05
tires and drum brakes and leaf
33:07
springs all the way around the
33:09
thing with shimmy. They're waiting to
33:11
punish you. And by the way
33:13
you hit the break, you hit
33:15
the break my mom Squareback, the
33:17
front left tire locks up and
33:19
the car pulls violently to the
33:21
left. The good folks over at
33:23
Lexus have seen fit to lend
33:25
me an ISF. That car's 414
33:28
horsepower. Huge. Anti-lock brakes on all
33:30
corners, you know, 40 series speed
33:32
rated tires, titanium everything, speed sensing,
33:34
everything. You could stomp on the
33:36
brakes at 100 not touched a
33:38
steering wheel and it would just
33:40
stop in two feet without a
33:42
puff of smoke coming out any
33:44
of the tires. Obviously that car
33:46
is safe at twice a speed
33:48
that my mother's VW Squareback was,
33:50
but the speed limit remains the
33:52
same. Because we're all into safety.
33:54
So the cop so now you
33:56
have Ralph Nader to think for
33:58
all this is a dick Pussy
34:00
and a dick. So now you
34:02
have this of force lawn and
34:05
on one side of the stretch
34:07
of force lawns, force lawn drive,
34:09
are all the illegals and they
34:11
hang out there and they sell
34:13
flowers to people that are going
34:15
to forest lawn. And of course...
34:17
next to where they're selling all
34:19
their stuff is trash trash everywhere
34:21
fast food wrappers from the food
34:23
they eat boxes from the boxes
34:25
they use and then discard there's
34:27
no trash cans put along there
34:29
it's a bunch of illegals standing
34:31
around selling things without a license
34:33
without without permits without anything now
34:35
there is a cop around but
34:37
where is that cop he's on
34:40
the other side of the street
34:42
and he's holding a fucking radar
34:44
gun waiting for me to crack
34:46
47 miles an hour so we
34:48
can rate me by the side
34:50
of the road. Meanwhile all the
34:52
undocumented guys are just fucking making
34:54
a mess on the other side
34:56
of the street and they're criminals.
34:58
I'm a taxpayer, they're undocumented, I'm
35:00
documented, and you're fucking raping me
35:02
for another nickel. That's LA in
35:04
a god damn nutshell, and that's
35:06
why the city's coming undone. And
35:08
that's why it will continue to
35:10
come undone. And as long as
35:12
you have fucking Tony Valar, I'm
35:14
sorry, his made-up name, Viragosa, as
35:17
long as you have him in
35:19
there pandering to the Hispanic vote.
35:21
Then you're just going to keep
35:23
going deeper and deeper into the
35:25
fucking mire. There was a point
35:27
in this conversation where I said
35:29
that you could run for the
35:31
Republican Party and I think that
35:33
you'd be at about 17 percent.
35:35
You just took it about 28,
35:37
29 percent. Yeah. The thing is,
35:39
people are looking for that level
35:41
of honesty and bypassing CNN and
35:43
bypassing ABC because they're the ones
35:45
who are framing the narrative out
35:47
there. And if you tell the
35:49
truth, you're not allowed to say
35:52
that story. If this if media
35:54
matters or some left-wing group were
35:56
to take what you just said
35:58
I guarantee you they would distill
36:00
it down to this guy's racist.
36:02
That's that's no I they're not
36:04
listening to the logic in it.
36:06
It has nothing to do with
36:08
it. I have a Hispanic sister.
36:10
I'm adopted. I don't have any
36:12
of the same blood of anybody
36:14
in my family. This is not
36:16
about blood. This is about right
36:18
versus wrong. This is about the
36:20
laws of this wrong. And you're
36:22
not even allowed to bring it
36:24
up without being called a racist.
36:27
It's ridiculous. I know I love
36:29
the idea that we sit around
36:31
and debate enforcing. It's insane to
36:33
me. Meanwhile, God forbid I attempt
36:35
to build something on my property
36:37
without pulling a permit. Then they
36:39
snap in action. Can I prove
36:41
that I'm not a racist towards
36:43
Hispanics? Sure. Did you ever see
36:45
Moscow on the Hudson? Yes, Robert
36:47
Williams. Remember Maria Kanchido Alonzo in
36:49
that? Yes. The things I did
36:51
to myself as a teenager prove
36:53
that I'm not a racist. Yeah,
36:55
but you're like one of those
36:57
plantation owners who's having sex with
36:59
their slaves. Oh, I don't have
37:01
a retort to that. That was
37:04
fucking good. I just gave you
37:06
a little Bill Marsh out there.
37:08
Okay, well, I respect her as
37:10
a human being after. You desecrated
37:12
her femininity and that's your excuse
37:14
for not really racist... At Lisa
37:16
Bonay, an angel heart. Oh. Yeah.
37:18
But she's hardly black, is she?
37:20
She's just like a moat, moat.
37:22
It's perfect. She's like Molly Sims
37:24
with a nice dusting a chocolate
37:26
on her. Yeah, and speaking of
37:28
other, you know, it's funny, because
37:30
I was talking to Mike August,
37:32
the guy who books my live
37:34
shows. And we got one, I'll
37:36
give a little plug for myself,
37:39
coming up, Schnitzer Hall in Portland,
37:41
coming up this Saturday. And doing
37:43
a book signing by the Barnes
37:45
and Noble somewhere. in the neighborhood.
37:47
I said, well, how many, how
37:49
big is the Schnitzer? And he
37:51
said, it's about 4,000 cedar. And
37:53
I said, Jesus Christ, 4,000 seats.
37:55
That's a lot. That's
37:57
a fucking huge
37:59
place. It's not
38:01
me and super
38:03
tramp. I could have picked
38:05
a newer bet me and Ricky Martin
38:07
Fog hat me and fog hat. It's
38:09
just me and he said no no
38:12
they they scale it down. They'll scale
38:14
it We have it scaled to about
38:16
1600 they'll just you play the loge
38:18
or whatever the you know, so
38:20
I said alright. That's fine well,
38:22
we can get 1600 people to
38:24
come out on a Saturday night
38:26
and see me that'd be awesome
38:28
and by the way, Portland ears
38:30
We've sold about thirteen hundred and
38:32
fifty tickets, so we're getting close
38:34
get on that if you would
38:36
so then I said The following
38:38
week and I said well, how much money we're gonna
38:41
make they said well if we sell
38:43
all these tickets You know well now
38:45
keep in mind there's unions and you
38:47
got to pay people and it's expensive
38:49
and by the way It was a
38:51
great one Mike so cheap my
38:53
rider. I have a rider.
38:55
That's about as long as Mini
38:59
-me's cock and it basically says fruit
39:01
it basically says veggie platter like
39:03
the kind you get in the plastic
39:05
hub cap from the Rouse, you
39:07
know veggie platter 12 pack of Miller
39:09
light three bottled waters and some
39:12
oatmeal cookies That's Mike added that on
39:14
he likes the oatmeal cookies they
39:16
come back to the they come back
39:18
to him and tell him It's
39:20
gonna be $589
39:22
he says how much
39:24
was the veggie tray that's
39:27
$185 he said how
39:29
much just go down the market buy
39:31
one for $12 by the way, that's
39:33
what that's how they work That's that
39:35
that's the government at work. That's these
39:37
are city owned facilities, but schnitzer
39:40
Portland 4 ,000
39:43
cedar and I said all right
39:45
we sell 1600 tickets what do we walk out
39:47
of there with by the time we're done
39:49
paying the 35 grand to do the thing or
39:51
whatever it is and he Said I don't
39:53
know maybe we can make 20 grand over there,
39:55
and I said all right. That's a pretty
39:57
good. That's a pretty good weekend He said yeah,
39:59
we'll do fine And then I said,
40:01
the following weekend, we're going to
40:03
be at the Wiltern in Los
40:06
Angeles. And I said, what's that
40:08
place? Hold. He said, that holds
40:11
about 2,000. And I said, what
40:13
do we have it scaled for?
40:15
And he said, well, I've scaled
40:18
about 1,600, same as the Schnitzer.
40:20
And I said, all right, so we
40:22
do 1,600 there, what are we
40:25
walking with? And he said, This
40:27
is California. You're not making any money here.
40:29
The thing is, at no point are you
40:31
ever going to see the, first of all,
40:33
I haven't read the Los Angeles Times print
40:36
edition in probably about 10 years. But at
40:38
what point does it say LA is broken?
40:40
LA is over. I think it's over. It's
40:43
over. It's over because nobody's even
40:45
attempting to try and fix
40:47
it. It's more of this
40:49
type of stuff. Everything's punitive.
40:51
Everything is trying to find
40:53
a way to extort you.
40:55
They're giving you no incentive
40:58
not to leave the state. The
41:00
only place that's really fighting back
41:02
right now is Texas, but it's
41:04
so damned hot. We, they no
41:06
longer see citizens, they see money
41:09
bags, they just see dollar signs.
41:11
And again, them going out
41:13
a long force lawn drive
41:16
and enforcing the law doesn't
41:18
make them any money. Them
41:20
hassling me makes them money
41:22
except for I'm fucking moving.
41:24
I've had enough. I can't take it
41:27
anymore. The society is so fucked up.
41:29
If you committed murder, if you've committed
41:31
murder in broad daylight, you're going to
41:33
have the state take care of your
41:35
lawyers and your entire life, you're going
41:37
to have people fighting to keep you
41:40
alive, to get you out of jail.
41:42
But if you get a parking ticket
41:44
in Los Angeles, it's like $60 if
41:46
you were late for three seconds, you're
41:48
nickel. You're 25 cents for 15 minutes
41:50
or 25 cents for six minutes, whatever
41:52
the hell it is right now. have
41:54
a recourse and then they make it
41:56
impossible for you to pay it and
41:58
then your 60 dollars becomes $120 because
42:01
in Pennsylvania it's six dollars you
42:03
know if you if your nickel
42:05
goes over. They're they're greedy. They're
42:07
hypocrites and what they're doing. It's
42:09
a very simple equation. They hate
42:11
us. They hate us. They hate
42:13
us too. It's like they're taking
42:15
the money. They're saying get the
42:18
hell out of your and while
42:20
you're living here, they're telling you
42:22
we hate you and you're a
42:24
racist. No, I know. And it's
42:26
that you have these cunts like
42:28
Maxine Waters saying, you know, it's
42:30
high time the guys like us
42:33
start paying their fair share and
42:35
all that. It's ridiculous. And it's
42:37
a horrible environment. And I'm telling
42:39
you what it's going to be.
42:41
And I've said it many times.
42:43
42% of the tax. No, you're
42:45
at 42%. Oh, I went on
42:47
the party. Yeah. Because I called
42:50
Maxine Waters a cut. Here's the
42:52
deal. Here's the deal. And it's
42:54
going to happen. Virigos is going
42:56
to keep going, the left's going
42:58
to keep going, Maxine Water is
43:00
going to keep going, they're going
43:02
to call guys like us racist,
43:04
and eventually we're going to go,
43:07
fuck it, we're going to Florida.
43:09
And then- New Zealand, better. Then
43:11
we're going to move out, and
43:13
then you're going to be left
43:15
with the folks that are standing
43:17
on the other side of the
43:19
highway. Selling the illegal roses and
43:21
they thought that the thunderdome was
43:24
fiction Then let the fucking party
43:26
begin it that's what I see
43:28
that's what I see it's yeah,
43:30
that's what I see I look
43:32
at my children. I'm like I'm
43:34
trying to fight. I'm trying to
43:36
be the crazy guy out there,
43:39
walking towards the bad guys, towards
43:41
the Maxine Waters, towards the acorns,
43:43
towards the SEIU, towards the AFLCIO,
43:45
which are like extorting from the
43:47
American people. Of course, they're raping
43:49
everyone. Right. And I'm like, I
43:51
just say to my kids, I
43:53
feel like a kamikaze, but I
43:56
cannot leave this country like this.
43:58
I cannot say I didn't fight.
44:00
Listen, this whole thing where you
44:02
hide behind the, hey these are
44:04
hardworking people, hey these, first off,
44:06
if you're working at a GM
44:08
plant and you're making $32.50 an
44:10
hour and the GM plant moves
44:13
to Mexico and you're sitting around
44:15
crying that all you can do
44:17
is get a job working at
44:19
a fast food restaurant, then guess
44:21
what, Dilweed, that's what you're worth.
44:23
Number one, okay, fuck stick. Number
44:25
two, if you weren't greedy. If
44:27
instead of 3250 an hour, you
44:30
took 21 bucks an hour, we
44:32
would have stayed. But you got
44:34
fucking greedy and we left. Look,
44:36
I grew up in Brentwood where
44:38
nobody... talks about unions it's not
44:40
a daily part of your life
44:42
i just remember peripherally watching some
44:45
of these airline strikes i think
44:47
was eastern airlines there is no
44:49
eastern airlines anymore because the union
44:51
said no no we're not going
44:53
to concede we're not going to
44:55
concede on on a single issue
44:57
they're willing to screw the pooch
44:59
they're willing to have a no
45:02
sex with the golden goose and
45:04
then discarded into uh... the l
45:06
a river and say it's over
45:08
they don't care about the results
45:10
i'm the guy i hate being
45:12
in fucking sagging after They Shanghai
45:14
you. I hate unions. I don't
45:16
want to be in any unions.
45:19
I'm forced to be in a
45:21
union because they take your paycheck.
45:23
By the way, should that even
45:25
be legal? They literally take your
45:27
paycheck and they give it to
45:29
Tony Villeur. And they give it
45:31
to Tony Villeur so he can
45:33
pay off another mistress and spike
45:36
his hortata. He's a sociopath. I
45:38
like Hortata too, actually. It's my
45:40
maid's name, but I also enjoyed
45:42
his beverage. He failed the bar
45:44
four times. He's semi-retarded and he's
45:46
running this fucking city into the
45:48
ground. Idea that I remember remember
45:51
when all the actors were going
45:53
out on strike like 10 years
45:55
ago and they were striking for
45:57
the commercial actors Yeah Now we
45:59
have reality TV. Yeah, yeah, good.
46:01
You're all out of work. I
46:03
don't give a shot. It's over.
46:05
They screwed up acting. Yeah, and they
46:08
always and I would say they'd always
46:10
go hey we're going out on strike
46:12
or hey we're voting or hey The
46:14
chick from the little house in the
46:17
prairies running for you know district selectmen
46:19
The blonde one that was pushed down
46:21
the the one that went blind season
46:24
number four The point is this I'd
46:26
go I don't give a fuck. I
46:28
don't want to be in your shitty
46:30
unions. I don't give a fuck about
46:33
after a second or a second
46:35
and they go oh And I'll go buy
46:37
myself some privatized insurance. How about
46:39
that ass wipes? I can't stand
46:41
it. They went on strike because
46:43
they wanted the commercial actors to get
46:45
like paid and perpetuity and I'm like,
46:47
what the fuck? You're eating a piece
46:50
of Kentucky fried chicken sitting in the
46:52
back of a convertible Mustang. You have
46:54
no speaking lines. Who gives a shit
46:56
how much you get paid? And they
46:58
would always make this argument. Some of
47:01
these guys, there's the Tim Robbins of
47:03
the world. These guys only work. two three
47:05
days a year how they supposed to support a
47:07
family and i was like how about they get
47:09
a fucking job yeah being a contractor yeah
47:12
but get a real job uh... maybe they
47:14
work i don't know nine days a year
47:16
i mean i got a wild idea how
47:18
about their fucking work these guys only work
47:20
three four days where they're supposed to they're
47:22
not they're not actors and then people look
47:24
at me and they go oh yeah how
47:27
about you're in sag aren't you glad you're
47:29
in sag what about those contracts you have
47:31
uh-uh-uh-uh They didn't work that way. You
47:33
want me to do a commercial? Talk to
47:35
my agent. You guys work it out. It's
47:37
got nothing to fucking do with
47:40
SAG. I can't stand that I'm in
47:42
that piece of shit union. I can't
47:44
stand that they send me their fucking
47:46
newsletter saying that, you know, Ed Asner
47:48
had a solid BM. I can't stand
47:50
them in it. And by the way, my
47:52
lesson is all right, well, we're not
47:55
playing the will turn anymore. Lesson
47:57
learn, cheaper to get on that
47:59
southwest flight. with Brian Cranston and
48:01
go play a gig out
48:03
of state so we can keep
48:05
some money. You're actually more
48:07
extreme than I am. I don't
48:09
think I could vote for
48:11
this wild, crazy racist. I don't.
48:13
You've actually gone off the
48:15
deep end. To make matters worse
48:17
about Los Angeles, there was
48:20
always, it was like Cremberle, you
48:22
know, that coating on top,
48:24
the best part of it. The
48:26
good coating of Los Angeles
48:28
is that every now and then
48:30
you ran into an actual
48:32
celebrity that mattered like a Bob
48:34
Newhart and you're like, that
48:36
guy's the funniest guy on the
48:38
planet. That guy is a
48:40
genius. I remember one time golfing
48:42
with Buddy Hackett. I was
48:44
the happiest person in the world.
48:47
I golfed once with Johnny
48:49
Mathis. I go, man, you've got
48:51
the greatest voice in the
48:53
world. He's a pure, pure gentleman.
48:55
He's sweet. Sweet guy. That
48:57
doesn't exist anymore. The people that
48:59
you run into are in
49:01
the second season of the Crusader
49:03
reality show or in the
49:05
situation. Well, I'm driving down the
49:07
street and I see this
49:09
basketball player and a Kardashian and
49:12
they're in a post -coital bathroom
49:14
embrace. It wasn't even a
49:16
billboard. They were standing there. I
49:18
feel like if I were
49:20
given the opportunity to be on
49:22
a fly on the wall
49:24
in their post -coital moment and
49:26
they gave me $1 ,000 and
49:28
put a gun to my head,
49:30
I don't think I would
49:32
want to see this. There's nothing,
49:34
even the Hollywood part of
49:36
this business sucks. I'm good. It
49:39
shit. Fuck Sagan after a
49:41
fuck you asshole. whole town is
49:43
over. Listen, I did a,
49:45
they did a thing with, I
49:47
think it was Los Angeles
49:49
Magazine, Dawson, maybe someone back there
49:51
can find it. And they
49:53
did this thing where they took
49:55
50 or 25 or some
49:57
amount of notable Los Angelinos. Los
50:00
Angeles in the business who
50:02
grew up here because of
50:04
course most people are from
50:06
somewhere else and came out
50:08
here to you know make their
50:11
fortune. But there's a handful
50:13
of guys. It's Steve Martin
50:15
and 49 other famous locals
50:18
on growing up in Los
50:20
Angeles. So there was Jody
50:22
Foster and Mark Harmon and
50:25
George Lopez and Josh. Who's
50:27
that? Groben and Maya Rudolph, David
50:29
Arquette, Ice Cube, people like that. And
50:31
what they did... Miranda Cosgrove? Yeah, I
50:33
guess. Oh, my heart be still. I
50:35
have no fucking idea in a rally
50:37
show. She was next to that black
50:39
guy in the poster. The point is
50:41
this. They all did their little love
50:44
letters to Los Angeles. They all did the,
50:46
oh, growing up I remember, or I
50:48
used to like to go to this
50:50
place, or that place, or this place
50:52
is the best tacos in town, and
50:54
town, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
50:56
blah, blah, blah, blah. Mine was basically,
50:58
I don't know if we can, let's
51:00
see if we can find it. Yeah,
51:02
look around for it. We'll see. If
51:04
we can, if we can find, I'll
51:06
see it, mine basically, and if
51:09
we find it, we find it. I
51:11
basically said, uh, Los Angeles sucks,
51:13
and the only thing that's good
51:15
about Los Angeles is... you can
51:17
get to the ocean in half
51:19
an hour and you get to
51:21
mountains in a half hour if
51:23
you go the other direction and
51:25
the weather and the topography but
51:27
that's plate tectonics yeah when it
51:29
comes to the city officials the
51:31
city council and the mayor all
51:33
they're doing is trying to fuck
51:35
it up so we should get
51:37
zero credit in Los Angeles we
51:39
are basically I've described Los
51:41
Angeles as the world's shittiest
51:44
burger joint on the world's most crowded
51:46
corner with no other competition in the
51:48
sense that we have a fucking horrible
51:51
product but our weather is so good
51:53
we just sit around and wait for
51:55
people to show up and pay top
51:57
dollar for our piece of shit burgers.
51:59
I used to say to people when
52:02
I would defend Los Angeles, back
52:04
when you could defend it, even though
52:06
it was going downhill, I said,
52:08
but there's always this amazing juxtaposition for
52:10
the shallow, horrible place. We had
52:12
John Wooden, we had the O'Malley who
52:15
owned the Dodgers, and we had, to
52:17
me, the best, Vin Scully. Sure. John
52:19
Wooden's gone, Peter O'Malley's gone, and the
52:22
only thing that's keeping me from...
52:24
From leaving as Vincolle he's the last
52:26
of the good and Vian hang on
52:28
baby. All right. Let's see can you
52:31
read that from where you're sitting? Yeah,
52:33
there you go You want to
52:35
read it out loud? You're more educated
52:37
than I am? Sure. Oh, I'd love
52:40
to. Thank you. I appreciate this opportunity.
52:42
Sure. I'm going to give your book
52:44
a plug. Righteous indignation, by the
52:46
way, is the name of the book.
52:49
Excuse me while I save the world.
52:51
This is my snippet on what I
52:53
like about Los Angeles. Everyone does this
52:56
thing where they go. You can
52:58
get to the ocean in 25 minutes.
53:00
You can get to the mountains in
53:02
an hour. Isn't that wonderful? I guess
53:05
the answer is yes. But the school
53:07
system is unusable. The traffic is
53:09
horrible. Business are fleeing. I don't give
53:11
credit to Vigosa or the city council
53:14
for the mountains of the oceans. That
53:16
has to do with plate tectonics. I
53:18
give them credit for a graffiti
53:20
problem that's so bad, the street signs
53:23
have to be covered with barbed wire.
53:25
I give credit to God for do
53:27
a fair to middling job creating the
53:30
place and Vira goes in the
53:32
city council for fucking it up. Pot
53:34
holes and a holes. That's Los Angeles.
53:36
uh... every other one was oh i
53:39
remember going down p c h with
53:41
the beach boys yes go ahead
53:43
i have when i have friends that
53:45
come from out of town and i
53:48
want to show them the real l
53:50
a i take them to the ninety
53:52
nine cents door and a hot
53:54
dog on a stick the only things
53:57
that are salvageable in this town the
53:59
hot ninety nine cents It's self-explanatory. Sure.
54:01
I like the toys. I like seeing
54:04
which books that they were able to
54:06
get. I like the smell. Okay, right.
54:08
I like seeing the products from Hormel
54:11
that didn't make it past the test
54:13
phase. So that's fun. And it's fun
54:15
to see the people that are
54:17
there, a great mix of people. Secondly,
54:20
hot dog on a stick. And I
54:22
take people to hot dog on a
54:24
stick from out of town. Why are
54:27
we here? And I said, you'll know.
54:29
You'll know. You'll know. And they
54:31
say, but we've been standing here
54:34
for five minutes. Don't worry, you
54:36
know. This isn't subtle stuff. You'll
54:38
know. And then out of nowhere. these
54:40
women who are dressed in these weird
54:42
stewardess outfits from the 1960s start pumping
54:44
lemonade. I go, there you go, that's
54:46
my Los Angeles. I applied for a
54:48
job at the hot dog on a
54:50
stick. They pay a dollar more an
54:53
hour. That's why I went there. Then
54:55
all of the other stands. When I
54:57
applied for the job for the one
54:59
in the Sherman Oaks Mall, the Sherman
55:01
Oaks Galleria back in the day where
55:03
they shot fast times at Rich Whiteheim
55:05
when I was about 17 or 18.
55:07
uh... they were paying like two i
55:09
mean minimum wage was you know two
55:11
fifty whatever three bucks they were
55:13
paying like four seventy five bucks
55:15
like they're playing a nice wage
55:17
and i wanted a gig and
55:19
hot dog on a stick and
55:21
they're like we're just hiring the ladies
55:24
yeah i know Why, by the
55:26
way, is that okay? You should
55:28
have gone to Gloria Allred and
55:31
sued. Yeah. Can I open a
55:33
place called Dude on a Snatch?
55:35
Yeah. And go, sorry, we just
55:38
hired dudes. Yeah, Glory, Allred. Oh,
55:40
my good gracious. Andrew Brightbard, everyone,
55:43
righteous indignation. Help me out with
55:45
a couple of these live reads,
55:47
would you? Sure. You like sports,
55:50
Andrew? National League Baseball.
55:52
Yeah. Draft street.com is where you
55:54
go. They got Daily Fantasy Sports.
55:57
They got leagues. Oh yeah, cash
55:59
prizes and Baseball, football, basketball, and
56:01
hockey. Could you find out that
56:03
Hung Chico has gone on to
56:06
the DL for the Dodgers because
56:08
he has some type of a
56:10
nervous disorder? No, but you could
56:12
play against another guy who didn't
56:14
know it and that would give
56:16
you an advantage and you would
56:19
clean up in the daily fantasy
56:21
sports leagues. Thousands of dollars awarded
56:23
every night, over 1 million paid
56:25
out to date, join leagues, any
56:27
time of the day. Play against
56:29
users from all around the world
56:32
and entry fees range from zero.
56:34
pretty low to 200 bucks so
56:36
you can check it out you
56:38
don't again you can you can
56:40
do it without making a big
56:42
financial commitment again this for the
56:45
dude you know if you like
56:47
Vegas and you like the rotisserie
56:49
leagues and you got a little
56:51
extra cash and you like to
56:53
have a little fun and you
56:55
want to do it from your
56:58
computer draft street.com all major credit
57:00
cards and PayPal accepted and when
57:02
you sign up and use the
57:04
promo code Adam You get a
57:06
$30 bonus on your first deposit.
57:08
draftstreet.com. Again, $30 bonus used to
57:11
promo code Adam. draftstreet.com. And I
57:13
think I got one more here.
57:15
Andrew, let's give you your Twitter
57:17
and your website out, by the
57:19
way. I have a vile stream
57:21
on Twitter. I re-tweet all the
57:24
hatred against me and it's vulgar.
57:26
So if you can't stand that.
57:28
Don't subscribe to my Andrew Brightbart.
57:30
One word. A-N-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- B-R-E-I-T-B-A-R-T. That's my
57:32
Twitter feed. I obsess on it.
57:34
There's nothing better than traveling Wi-Fi
57:37
from LAX to JFK and retweeting
57:39
my enemies while drinking red wine.
57:41
And I wholeheartedly agree. And what
57:43
we all need to do in
57:45
life is just start standing up
57:47
and telling people to fuck off.
57:50
from Glad, who is the most
57:52
miserable band of fucks I've ever
57:54
met in my life. I've run
57:56
a clean-name Glad, like name me
57:58
a fuker. I think you can't
58:00
get hotter. I cannot stand these
58:03
douche bags. They're the most angry douche
58:05
bags in the world. I suspect it's
58:07
because half of them were felt up
58:09
by their stepdad. But either way, they
58:11
give me shit all the time because
58:13
I go, look, if something happened to
58:15
me and my wife, I would like
58:17
my two twins raised by a mama
58:19
and a Papa. Now, that's all things
58:22
being equal. By the way, this is
58:24
where we're living in the life, this
58:26
is where I'm in a fucking snow
58:28
globe filled with retards and catch it.
58:30
I don't know what, and I'm in
58:32
a paint can shaker, I don't know
58:34
what the fuck's going on around here.
58:37
I can't make a statement like this,
58:39
by the way, I'm called homophobic, because
58:41
I said all things being equal, exactly
58:44
the same house, same school, same minivans,
58:46
I would like a mama and a
58:48
Papa. Now. If you're talking about drug
58:50
addict mom and papa, then give me
58:52
the upscale gay couple. And if you're
58:55
talking about a better minivan and a
58:57
better school system and a better house,
58:59
then I would let the gay couple
59:02
raise my kids. But all things being
59:04
equal, I'm an atheist. I believe in
59:06
nature. See, that's the whole thing. Like,
59:08
people with me are like, hey, you're
59:11
an atheist, how come you're so? I'm
59:13
into fucking nature. I believe they have
59:15
a plan. And I wouldn't want a
59:17
polar bear raised by two dude polar
59:19
bears or two chick polar bears. All
59:22
things being equal, I will take the
59:24
male and the female as a nature.
59:26
had intended it. I'm fine with
59:28
that. That makes me a homophobe?
59:30
When glad? When glad decides to
59:32
go to the first AME church
59:34
filled with the black people who
59:36
are against Prop 8 and are
59:38
willing to give the same ire
59:40
that they give you and the
59:42
Mormon church. Go ahead. Mount up
59:44
almost. Go on down. hypocrites. I
59:46
look there are gay conservatives who
59:49
are against gay marriage and they
59:51
can't speak up because they'll be
59:53
attacked by glad too. I know
59:55
but they're they're pussies because go
59:57
down yeah go down and attack the
59:59
black community. They're the loudest voice
1:00:01
against you and your activities. Or
1:00:03
the Hispanic community. Go on down
1:00:05
and talk to the Vatas. Of
1:00:07
course, they're supposed to. So they
1:00:09
go to the Mormon community or
1:00:11
they go to El Coyote and
1:00:14
they intimidate the cash year who
1:00:16
gave $100 to Prop 8. Look,
1:00:18
it's the same thing with PETA.
1:00:20
You're going to go throw a
1:00:22
red dye on some aging actress
1:00:24
who's wearing a fur coat. How
1:00:26
about, go down to the player's
1:00:28
ball. Go down to Vegas. Go
1:00:30
find yourself some pimps going into
1:00:32
the players ball with the red
1:00:34
fucking ink and see how that
1:00:36
goes. Still weeds? That's all I'm
1:00:38
saying. Hey, glad? Head down to
1:00:40
the black church and spread the
1:00:42
same message. They just... Hey, Peta,
1:00:44
go down to the players ball
1:00:47
and talk to Snoop Dog and
1:00:49
his posse about wearing fur. You
1:00:51
won't, because you're hypocr pussies. And
1:00:53
none of them wants to improve
1:00:55
the condition of the people that
1:00:57
they claim. They just want to
1:00:59
raise money by... going after people
1:01:01
like you so that they can
1:01:03
get poor sad people to send
1:01:05
a hundred dollar check thinking that
1:01:07
they're gonna improve their lot in
1:01:09
life. Well, get a job. I'm
1:01:11
telling, I tell them they could
1:01:13
blow me, but that might be
1:01:15
a step in the right direction.
1:01:18
All right, one man's opinion and
1:01:20
face to face with Ace, new
1:01:22
clips every week on the Huffington
1:01:24
Post slash comedy, by the way.
1:01:26
And, ah, one more. Yes, that's
1:01:28
right. I created the Huffington Post,
1:01:30
by the way. Is that you?
1:01:32
I invented the internet. Is that
1:01:34
really? I know you worked on
1:01:36
the humpmen, but did you create
1:01:38
it? Yeah, with Ariana, it was
1:01:40
my idea. How is Ariana? Oh,
1:01:42
she's fantastic. She kicked me off
1:01:44
of the front page though. Because
1:01:46
I attacked a guy by the
1:01:48
name of Van Jones, the Greens
1:01:51
are. I love that movie. Oh,
1:01:53
that's a different movie. Yeah. He
1:01:55
was an avowed communist and he
1:01:57
had to resign from the White
1:01:59
House from his Greensar position and
1:02:01
I called him a communist. I
1:02:03
don't find... her to be as
1:02:05
wonderfully quick-witted as is a lot
1:02:07
of folks do. I've sat next
1:02:09
or doing politically incorrect about a
1:02:11
million times. She was a conservative
1:02:13
because that was her natural default
1:02:15
position. Yeah I find her sort
1:02:17
of loading up her isms and
1:02:19
parroting them out but not so
1:02:22
much. Most her stuff is meant
1:02:24
to be off the cuff, but
1:02:26
it's pre-prepared. That's what I find.
1:02:28
I just know from sitting next
1:02:30
to her. But no, but seriously,
1:02:32
when the American public watches her
1:02:34
sitting next to Bill Maher, they
1:02:36
go, oh, that was a good
1:02:38
one. Oh, she's fast on her
1:02:40
feet. But the reality is, those
1:02:42
are things that she has chambered,
1:02:44
yes. Oh, I'm all over the
1:02:46
place. I'm doing that. Idaho next
1:02:48
week. You do battle with your
1:02:50
demons with your red wine on
1:02:52
the road. New York. I'm here
1:02:55
in New York. I think I'm
1:02:57
going to be doing like this
1:02:59
big book festival in New York.
1:03:01
You should, you should, New York
1:03:03
27th. You shouldn't go anywhere without,
1:03:05
go to my PC. Yeah? Oh
1:03:07
yeah. You try to go to
1:03:09
my PC? They're bisitrics. Great guys,
1:03:11
great group, great sponsors. And you
1:03:13
travel around, you bring your laptop
1:03:15
and you can get to your
1:03:17
home computer or your work computer.
1:03:19
Better yet, you can travel around
1:03:21
with an iPad and you can
1:03:23
secure, there's your iPad, and you
1:03:25
can secure, now what have I
1:03:28
told you, literally right here or
1:03:30
whatever airport you're in or wherever
1:03:32
you're at, you want, shit, there's
1:03:34
something on my home computer or
1:03:36
something on my office computer and
1:03:38
you literally just access it from
1:03:40
your iPad right there. Log in
1:03:42
from any Mac and PC. Will
1:03:44
this be available by 2017? It's
1:03:46
here and it is now, and
1:03:48
it is now. Wow. And there's
1:03:50
a special, you can try it
1:03:52
for 45 days free. Only if
1:03:54
you use the promo code Adam.
1:03:56
Visit go to my pc.com. Go
1:03:59
to my pc.com You should be
1:04:01
using this thing with all the
1:04:03
traveling you're doing. Go to my
1:04:05
pc.com. How many times you've been
1:04:07
somewhere in an airport and you've
1:04:09
been talking to someone? For me,
1:04:11
I always want to show them
1:04:13
pictures of my cars. And I'm
1:04:15
like, oh, it's not on, I
1:04:17
can't, it's on my home computer,
1:04:19
I don't have it on, you
1:04:21
know, go to my PC, you
1:04:23
could do it. You could show
1:04:25
pictures of Maria Kinchido, Alonzo. Yeah,
1:04:27
and I did it when she
1:04:29
was in that Sean Penn movie. All
1:04:32
right, we will take ourselves a quick
1:04:34
break. We'll be back. Oh yeah, well
1:04:36
we're going to say bye to Andrew.
1:04:39
Andrew Brightbart, one of the good ones,
1:04:41
fight in the good fight. Thank you.
1:04:43
I'll see you. Your comments section is
1:04:45
going to be filled with the people
1:04:48
who like to get me banned from
1:04:50
media. Wow, you people can all suck
1:04:52
your own dicks, because I don't care.
1:04:55
James Blunt, up next. The
1:04:58
Adam Corolla show is now streaming
1:05:00
live on new stream. 8
1:05:02
p.m. Pacific, Sunday through Thursday,
1:05:04
interact with other listeners, and
1:05:07
ace broadcasting crew members in
1:05:09
the chat room. And get
1:05:11
exclusive full episodes. You can't
1:05:13
see her here. James Blunt!
1:05:15
Our guest today via Skype
1:05:17
in a computer. Where are you
1:05:19
James? I am in Reno. Oh, it's
1:05:21
beautiful there. Nevada. In fact, I don't
1:05:23
know if you'll be able to see
1:05:25
out. Wow. I need to see if you can see...
1:05:28
What a that's the view outside.
1:05:30
What a time we're living in
1:05:32
a casino tonight. Yeah, what
1:05:34
casino are you in? I
1:05:36
think it's called a silver
1:05:38
legacy. I'm trying to think
1:05:41
we were in actually I thought
1:05:43
I was in Reno Nevada but
1:05:45
I was in Sparks Nevada and
1:05:47
by the way the one thing
1:05:49
I you do you do got
1:05:51
a dig about Reno is If you
1:05:53
live in LA, it's all no smoking
1:05:55
no smoking in the restaurant or smoking
1:05:57
at the bar no smoking in front
1:06:00
of the restaurant. When you show up
1:06:02
to the hotel in Reno they hand
1:06:04
you a cigarette in the lighter. Even
1:06:06
kids, yes, there it is. The ashtray
1:06:09
and the matches are in the hotel
1:06:11
room. I don't know why I miss
1:06:13
that. I missed that and I missed
1:06:16
like the old British cars that would
1:06:18
have the cigarette lighter in the rear
1:06:20
and the ashtray in the rear like
1:06:23
just a scent a den for the
1:06:25
kids to for the kids to smoke.
1:06:27
James and I were speaking at a
1:06:30
I think it was a Halloween party
1:06:32
about two years ago. Does that sound
1:06:34
right? I think that was someone dressed
1:06:36
up as me at the Halloween time.
1:06:39
Oh my god, the guy said he
1:06:41
was about six three and he was
1:06:43
a black dude and he kept saying,
1:06:46
yeah man, I'm James Blunt. I said,
1:06:48
you mean Mel Blunt? And he said,
1:06:50
no man, James Blunt. But he never
1:06:53
pulled the mask off. No, it was,
1:06:55
uh, was it your producer's house up
1:06:57
there in the Hollywood Hills? Mmm. James
1:07:00
froze. Exactly, really fun place, wasn't out
1:07:02
there. Yeah, that house is... next door
1:07:04
to Jimmy Kimmel's old house and down
1:07:06
the street from my current house and
1:07:09
James and I were talking quite a
1:07:11
bit about the military and I guess
1:07:13
it's sort of for you because you
1:07:16
don't seem like that type I run
1:07:18
into the same thing because I'm a
1:07:20
comedian and people say, how did you
1:07:23
get into this? How did you get
1:07:25
into radio? How did you get into
1:07:27
TV? And I say, I used to
1:07:30
be a boxing instructor and I trained
1:07:32
Jimmy Kimmel to box and he got
1:07:34
me on the radio and everyone laughs
1:07:36
and goes, get the fuck out of
1:07:39
here. And I realize you must get
1:07:41
the same thing when you're talking about
1:07:43
military stuff, right? Yeah, I absolutely don't
1:07:46
believe you that you've ever been inside
1:07:48
a half track. Yeah, well, you know,
1:07:50
I just look much bigger with a
1:07:53
gun. But I did six years in
1:07:55
the army and you know, I'm kind
1:07:57
of glad I did it that way
1:08:00
around. and became a musician afterwards because
1:08:02
it would be a it would be
1:08:04
tougher to have done it the other
1:08:07
way around. Do you feel, well
1:08:09
I'll try not to put words
1:08:11
in your mouth, but I feel
1:08:13
that at least personally my history
1:08:15
of playing football and then
1:08:17
working construction and really working for
1:08:19
a living essentially has made show
1:08:22
business easier because when someone says
1:08:24
could you call into this radio
1:08:26
station on Thursday morning I don't
1:08:28
look at that as work I
1:08:31
look at that as a phone call. Yeah, you know,
1:08:33
I think it made some parts of it much
1:08:35
easier, you know, kind of gives you a perspective
1:08:37
And so I know that I'm having fun I
1:08:39
know that I'm really lucky to have this job
1:08:42
I know that if ever I have a tough
1:08:44
day It's a phone call to my friends in
1:08:46
Afghanistan to know that they're the ones who are
1:08:48
having you know They've got a as you say
1:08:50
a proper job and living a much tough time
1:08:53
then again I think the time in my army
1:08:55
day is then coming into this business where it's,
1:08:57
you know, the music business nowadays is 80% hair
1:08:59
and makeup. And to have to deal with the
1:09:01
fickleness of this to be, you know, asked
1:09:04
the most ridiculous questions or to have
1:09:06
the most ridiculous things put on me
1:09:08
sometimes is mind numbing. And you think,
1:09:10
wow, you know, that so my time
1:09:12
in the army is kind of tainted
1:09:14
that if I've done this from an
1:09:16
early age, questions about what I
1:09:18
was wearing, maybe would seem relevant. And
1:09:21
also it is one of those things
1:09:23
where when you're sitting in a hot
1:09:25
tub too long you want to take
1:09:27
a dip in a cold bath and
1:09:29
when you're in the cold bath you
1:09:31
want to get into the hot tub.
1:09:33
It's this sort of thing where when
1:09:35
you've been asked stupid questions and had
1:09:37
makeup put on you for too long
1:09:39
you want to get out in the
1:09:41
field and shoot a 44 and when
1:09:43
you've been out in the sun too long
1:09:46
you kind of want to get in
1:09:48
the shade. It's this weird balance thing.
1:09:50
Yeah. So you did six years, your father was
1:09:52
in the service as well, he was in
1:09:54
the air corps? Yeah, that's right, he's
1:09:56
a helicopter pilot. And so actually
1:09:59
that was. for me I then
1:10:01
got into flying myself I could
1:10:03
fly a plane when I was
1:10:05
16 years old. Wow. and drive
1:10:07
a car which is absolutely lethal.
1:10:09
And then I did lots of
1:10:11
training with you on me but
1:10:13
I actually ended up joining a
1:10:15
reconnaissance regiment. I heard you talking
1:10:17
about that somewhere. By the way,
1:10:20
some kind of trouble is the
1:10:22
name of the album I should
1:10:24
mention for James and also he's
1:10:26
heading out on his world tour
1:10:28
going to Canada and Australia next
1:10:30
so you can check it out.
1:10:32
You can Twitter him, you can
1:10:34
go to James blunt.com, you can
1:10:36
figure out all the tour dates
1:10:38
and all that. So just so,
1:10:40
we're not talking so much about
1:10:42
them, you know, essentially doing a
1:10:45
one-hour plug for the UK's military
1:10:47
and not getting a little James
1:10:49
Blunt love in. But the recon,
1:10:51
how did that work working? Because
1:10:53
that seems potentially pretty dangerous. Yeah,
1:10:55
I mean it's been great training
1:10:57
for what I do now. It
1:10:59
was creeping around in bushes, basically
1:11:01
stalking people, and you know, some
1:11:03
of my best songs have come
1:11:05
as a result of that. Sure.
1:11:07
But their training, obviously, and then,
1:11:10
you know, the operational side of
1:11:12
reconnaissance is a very exciting job.
1:11:14
You're miles ahead of, you know,
1:11:16
the main, the main body of
1:11:18
your army. You're the eyes and
1:11:20
the ears of your army. go
1:11:22
out to be unseen to find
1:11:24
an enemy to target and locate
1:11:26
an enemy and then you know
1:11:28
an array of different jobs come
1:11:30
in from that whether you're just
1:11:32
passing back information or whether then
1:11:35
you're calling in you know fast
1:11:37
air or some kind of um
1:11:39
you know some kind of overwatch
1:11:41
above you. So yeah, as jobs
1:11:43
go, it's a very exciting one
1:11:45
and you're potentially very dangerous. It
1:11:47
has some very funny moments along
1:11:49
the way. You know, you bump
1:11:51
into an enemy by mistake and
1:11:53
both sides have a panic is
1:11:55
a kind of hysterical moments and
1:11:57
then of course other times where
1:12:00
you locate an enemy. and do
1:12:02
a specific job and yeah and
1:12:04
it's and it's right at the
1:12:06
forefront of things. What is your
1:12:08
mode of transportation when you're doing
1:12:10
that? I mean how much is
1:12:12
on foot? Very small tanks they
1:12:14
look like tanks and and they're
1:12:16
very very small they fit three
1:12:18
people and and that's what we
1:12:20
will move in. I guess the
1:12:22
armor is only really good for
1:12:25
small arms fire you know for...
1:12:27
um, mortars, grenades, that kind of
1:12:29
thing. Um, and, uh, and the
1:12:31
most 70% of the time, you're
1:12:33
out of that and you're creeping
1:12:35
around in the bushes, um, on
1:12:37
your, um, feet and your belt
1:12:39
buckle. Did you, um, I hate
1:12:41
to get morbid here for a
1:12:43
second, but, uh, fresh off the,
1:12:45
uh, the, uh, bin Laden being
1:12:47
brought to justice. But... If you
1:12:50
creep over a hill and you
1:12:52
see the enemy bivwacked, do they
1:12:54
use that word in Britain? Bivwacked?
1:12:56
I like that. And you call
1:12:58
in their coordinates and you call
1:13:00
in an air strike, you realize
1:13:02
as you sit there up on
1:13:04
that hill that there's going to
1:13:06
be these guys who are either
1:13:08
sleeping or eating breakfast or taking
1:13:10
a leak are going to be
1:13:12
dead in 20 minutes. Is that
1:13:15
weird? Is that surreal? Does it
1:13:17
bother you? Or does it go
1:13:19
down that way? For me I
1:13:21
think I was fortunate to be
1:13:23
in... what I understood to be
1:13:25
the right war. I was involved
1:13:27
in the Kosovo conflict in 99.
1:13:29
The Serbs were murdering the Kosovo
1:13:31
Albanians by their thousands, really. They
1:13:33
were getting in there using their
1:13:35
army to just murder civilians in
1:13:37
the most gruesome and imaginative ways
1:13:40
possible. We went and spoke to
1:13:42
them and we pushed them to
1:13:44
stop murdering people and they continued.
1:13:46
And they did so with, you
1:13:48
know, great ferocity and knowing exactly
1:13:50
what... they were doing. And so
1:13:52
eventually we said, if you don't
1:13:54
stop murdering these people, then we're
1:13:56
going to come in and we're
1:13:58
going to use force against you.
1:14:00
And they said, fine, do that.
1:14:02
And so whenever we were doing,
1:14:05
you know, we're acting against them
1:14:07
in an aggressive manner, what we
1:14:09
were doing was we were stopping
1:14:11
them murdering people. So it felt
1:14:13
entirely justified. Yeah, well now I'm
1:14:15
all for good war and you
1:14:17
know the promise is there's a
1:14:19
lot of fog and gray area
1:14:21
that seems to have blown in.
1:14:23
It used to be so. You
1:14:25
know and war is a desperately
1:14:27
unpleasant place and for me this
1:14:30
you know the sadness was that
1:14:32
we had a chance to speak
1:14:34
to people and say let's you
1:14:36
know let's try and find our
1:14:38
common ground as humans as civilized
1:14:40
humans and and yet along the
1:14:42
way which was always surprising to
1:14:44
you know to anyone with a
1:14:46
clear mind is you meet people
1:14:48
who are totally inhumane who are
1:14:50
happy to other people as less
1:14:52
than human and yeah and to
1:14:54
inflict a pain suffering and death
1:14:56
on others and those people you
1:14:58
know then it's sad even have
1:15:00
to reach a stage of using
1:15:02
force against them. I feel that
1:15:04
way in a even a more
1:15:06
macro way which is I
1:15:08
as an adult am confused
1:15:10
and it's something I've been
1:15:13
wrestling with as thankfully my
1:15:15
situations aren't life and
1:15:17
death but I always
1:15:20
thought as educated right-thinking
1:15:22
English-speaking adults that I could
1:15:24
speak to another party and lay
1:15:27
out you know essentially say like you
1:15:29
guys said look we would love to
1:15:31
reach an agreement with you folks and
1:15:33
we would love to not have
1:15:35
to call in airstrikes and kill
1:15:37
you people and all we're asking
1:15:40
is that you do this and
1:15:42
As a kid, I thought adults
1:15:44
would go, okay, I hear what
1:15:46
you're saying, and we could do
1:15:48
this, but it doesn't seem to
1:15:50
work that way. It gets to
1:15:52
the point where you're calling in
1:15:54
a few hurricanes to lay down
1:15:56
some incendiary bombs, and I found
1:15:58
this even in business. quite
1:16:00
a bit and I can't understand it
1:16:02
for the life of me. I really
1:16:05
am confused by it and have you,
1:16:07
do you know what I'm talking about
1:16:09
or am I just rambling here? I
1:16:11
see that in everyday life and I
1:16:14
think it's a strange thing. I think
1:16:16
we talk about humans as civilized and
1:16:18
we expect ourselves to be and I
1:16:21
think we're closer to animals than we
1:16:23
necessarily think. And yeah, and you know,
1:16:25
as you say in business, it's a
1:16:27
weird thing. People, you know, are greedy
1:16:30
and want to take more from their
1:16:32
neighbor one more than their neighbor. Actually,
1:16:34
what you should really want is you
1:16:37
probably want to have the same amount
1:16:39
as your neighbor's not. aggressive or threatened
1:16:41
by you or jealous of you and
1:16:43
not nor you of him instead you're
1:16:46
going to be in balance and harmony
1:16:48
and so yeah if I was to
1:16:50
sell anything to anyone I would want
1:16:53
to sell it for the right price
1:16:55
so that they're happy as well as
1:16:57
I'm happy so that we all can
1:17:00
look each other in the eye and
1:17:02
live in a neighborly fashion. I had
1:17:04
this situation with my book publisher who's
1:17:06
Well, there's Crown and then there's Random
1:17:09
House. And I came to them with
1:17:11
this proposal that was wildly equitable, and
1:17:13
I just said, you know, I'll do
1:17:16
a second audio book, and the first
1:17:18
audio book was really successful, and I'll
1:17:20
do a second one, and we'll split
1:17:22
the profits down the middle, and they
1:17:25
ended up getting sort of nitpicky about
1:17:27
something. And I said, look, we'll either
1:17:29
split it 50-50 or we'll not do
1:17:32
it at all, and then we'll have
1:17:34
no money. Fine. And I said, really?
1:17:36
And they were like, yeah. And that
1:17:38
was the end of that. And I
1:17:41
just sort of got off the phone
1:17:43
and thought, what the fuck is going
1:17:45
on? There's a lot of this that's
1:17:48
going on. I mean, whether it's the
1:17:50
Kosovos or whoever you're bombing over there,
1:17:52
saying, who'd you bomb over there? I'm
1:17:55
the Serbs. The Serbs, sort of drawing
1:17:57
a line in the sand and then
1:17:59
going to get slaughtered by a couple
1:18:01
tornadoes. Or... it's a random house going
1:18:04
fine we'll take half of nothing it's
1:18:06
weird it's like what why we do
1:18:08
what where's the pride coming in i
1:18:11
understand there's something called pride but you're
1:18:13
getting slaughtered now or you're getting zero
1:18:15
money where's how's that factor in yeah
1:18:17
no it can be a crazy crazy
1:18:20
world i i i think i wanted
1:18:22
the title of my next book to
1:18:24
be i had no idea adults would
1:18:27
be this dumb Like, when you were
1:18:29
a kid, didn't you just think adults
1:18:31
were smart? Yeah, no, I think we
1:18:34
all children thought they were just confusing.
1:18:36
I thought they... Which is kind of
1:18:38
true. I thought they knew something that
1:18:40
I didn't know, and now that I've
1:18:43
become an adult, and I hang around
1:18:45
with adults, I can't believe how dumb
1:18:47
most adults are. That's the thing that's
1:18:50
a revelation to me in my adult
1:18:52
life. Uh-oh,
1:18:55
James, James rose up for a
1:18:57
second or maybe I... Well, I
1:18:59
suppose that's why nowadays we're using
1:19:02
the children and... well, that's why
1:19:04
we hear the honesty of children
1:19:06
now is knowing. Yeah, from the
1:19:08
mouth of babes. So, uh, James,
1:19:11
how does this... how does your
1:19:13
career arc go? You're in the
1:19:15
military, you're pilot, at least a
1:19:17
civilian pilot. You love... You you
1:19:20
love flying I don't know if
1:19:22
you still fly today. Do you
1:19:24
still do you still? We got
1:19:26
a we got a little screw
1:19:29
up going on with our Skype
1:19:31
by the way Dawson has Skype
1:19:33
ever worked? I don't think so
1:19:35
I don't think it's ever worked.
1:19:38
It's the it's the weirdest I
1:19:40
used it There's James. I used
1:19:42
to do it in my live
1:19:44
show. I don't know if James
1:19:47
can hear me. We tried it
1:19:49
about 10 times and it never
1:19:51
worked. And we'd Skype in a
1:19:53
guest on my live show, but
1:19:56
it would never work. And then
1:19:58
Donnie, every time we'd do the
1:20:00
show would go, hey, do you
1:20:02
want to do? Skype and I'd
1:20:05
go yes I would love to
1:20:07
except for it's never work I
1:20:09
think it also has to do
1:20:11
with the internet capabilities of this
1:20:14
warehouse no because we do it
1:20:16
on the road all over the
1:20:18
country and it never it never
1:20:20
worked James can you hear me
1:20:23
sorry for me yeah can for
1:20:25
me the greatest disappointment with Skype
1:20:27
is you know you always said
1:20:29
other Skype dates so you can
1:20:32
have Skype sex that's when it
1:20:34
always crashes and just as you
1:20:36
get into the nitty gritty that's
1:20:38
when it goes wrong I'm glad
1:20:41
you have frustration from it. I've
1:20:43
got room service coming. Oh, you
1:20:45
got room service coming. Well, this
1:20:47
will be fun. Now, here's the
1:20:50
thing I don't like about room
1:20:52
service. They build in the tip,
1:20:54
but then you have to tip
1:20:56
the guy. And James, give him
1:20:59
a hundred bucks. Hey, this guy
1:21:01
sold 18 million albums, sir. 18
1:21:03
million. And he gets $10 for
1:21:05
every unit. Let's see what James
1:21:08
Blunt ordered for lunch, I'm guessing.
1:21:10
Here, let me sign that. Sir,
1:21:12
what did he write in for
1:21:14
a tip? Tell us what he
1:21:17
gives you for a tip. How
1:21:19
much is gratuity subtotal? I think
1:21:21
it's, there's no tip included. 15%.
1:21:23
15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%.
1:21:26
15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%.
1:21:28
15%. 15%. 15%. Okay, well, you
1:21:30
know, I'll give a secret amount
1:21:32
on top. All right. Thank you
1:21:35
very much, sir. All right, he
1:21:37
seems he seems happy. He's going
1:21:39
to go hammer that. Now, what
1:21:41
is your order, James? Thank you.
1:21:44
Okay, thank you so much. Bye-bye.
1:21:46
Uh-oh, froze up again. James, they
1:21:48
give you the sweet when you
1:21:50
perform, and then you just sit
1:21:53
alone in this big sweet, you
1:21:55
don't really know what to do
1:21:57
with yourself, right? Well, I'm not
1:21:59
alone. I've got you. I've got
1:22:02
chicken wings. That's always good for
1:22:04
the voice. Well, actually, I'm doing
1:22:06
a book called Wings of the
1:22:08
World. Ah, where you travel around
1:22:10
and sample the wings. Wherever I
1:22:13
am, I check out the wings.
1:22:15
I love that. Yeah, I'm in
1:22:17
fact, I don't know if you'll
1:22:19
be able to see on my
1:22:21
phone, in fact, I have a picture
1:22:24
of the best wings I've ever
1:22:26
found. Where was that? Oh well
1:22:28
that makes sense. It makes sense. You
1:22:30
know the thing that's funny about the
1:22:33
wings is they serve you the wings
1:22:35
which is the most unhealthy thing on
1:22:37
the planet and then they always give
1:22:40
you a piece of celery and a
1:22:42
carrot stick too as if somehow that's
1:22:44
going to balance it out. Yep.
1:22:46
That's always give you that and
1:22:49
it's weird because your mouth is
1:22:51
never simultaneously eaten two things that
1:22:53
are as good and as bad
1:22:55
for you in the same bite.
1:22:57
Well, I can tell you I
1:22:59
live on chicken wings every single
1:23:02
day of my life, and I'm
1:23:04
the picture of health I know,
1:23:06
but I think that's all just genetics
1:23:08
Thank you I know people should
1:23:10
I'm testing it to the limit
1:23:13
anyway. Yeah, so you do the
1:23:15
show Tonight I'll let you get
1:23:17
your wings in a second because
1:23:20
I know it's hard to stare
1:23:22
at food you you get out of
1:23:24
the military and Then what?
1:23:26
Well, you know, my last, actually was my
1:23:28
last job in the army, I was then
1:23:31
starting to play in London. My last job
1:23:33
in the army was the Queen's bodyguard, and
1:23:35
that was on a horse when she was
1:23:37
out in her carriage. I've been a guy
1:23:39
riding beside her with a helmet and a
1:23:42
plume and a sword and an armour. Wow.
1:23:44
Ride long and so you would have seen
1:23:46
lots of those guys at the wedding. Right.
1:23:48
Riding beside the various carriages. And so that
1:23:50
was my job for the last two years
1:23:53
and I was based in London so it
1:23:55
gave me the chance to play some concerts
1:23:57
in London in these small bars. And um...
1:23:59
And you know I was slowly building
1:24:02
up songs and the thing that really
1:24:04
happened for me is I met a
1:24:06
great great manager and everyone asked me
1:24:09
how do you get into the music
1:24:11
business how do you do your thing
1:24:13
and they talk about you know whichever
1:24:15
record label I've been signed to but
1:24:18
you know it's management to make it
1:24:20
work for you because it means I
1:24:22
can be a musician and then I
1:24:25
can get a manager who deals with
1:24:27
the business side and he happened to
1:24:29
be part of a firm who managed
1:24:32
Elton John. And so that's a good
1:24:34
connection to have straight away. So I
1:24:36
did a couple of tours with Elton
1:24:38
John. And then I was in South
1:24:41
by Southwest at the festival in Texas.
1:24:43
And I played on the 20th floor
1:24:45
of, I think, some dodgy hotel at
1:24:48
the Ramada Hotel. And this woman walked
1:24:50
out to me and said, I'm a
1:24:52
woman called Linda Perry. from Four Non
1:24:55
Blonds. And I want to sign you
1:24:57
to on my new record label. And
1:24:59
I said, you know, I had been
1:25:01
rejected by every UK record label. So
1:25:04
I said to her, where do I
1:25:06
sign? And I signed. We went and
1:25:08
got drunk. I went to Los Angeles.
1:25:11
I met a man called Tom Rothrock,
1:25:13
who produced Beck and Elliot Smith. And
1:25:15
the two of us sat in a
1:25:18
studio for four months just together, really.
1:25:20
And made a really innocent little album
1:25:22
called Back to Bedlam. And along the
1:25:24
way then, we put it out and
1:25:27
remarkably it sold a lot. Four non-blons
1:25:29
had that, what's going on song? Was
1:25:31
that their song? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah,
1:25:34
yeah, exactly. Yeah, there was four non-blons
1:25:36
and then there was a band called
1:25:38
Concrete Blond, which I always get confused
1:25:41
with my four non-blons. I noticed, and
1:25:43
when you said you're Garden the Queen,
1:25:45
you didn't mean Elton John, you were
1:25:47
talking about the Queen. I got a
1:25:50
little confusion, and that story. I've guarded
1:25:52
both. Although I probably wore frillier headgear
1:25:54
around Elton. I noticed you didn't give
1:25:57
him the Sir Elton, John. You're right
1:25:59
too. I'm glad you corrected me. You're
1:26:01
absolutely right too. How is that something
1:26:04
that's a bigger faux-paw on your side
1:26:06
of the pond? Because we do feel
1:26:08
as Americans that once... somebody is knighted
1:26:10
or once someone becomes a dame, we
1:26:13
need to make sure and put that
1:26:15
in front. Do you guys, are you
1:26:17
guys as careful about that as we
1:26:20
are? I think we probably are in
1:26:22
formal circles. You know, I think I'm,
1:26:24
I can, I think probably, you know,
1:26:26
having worked with him a lot and
1:26:29
having toured with him, I'm probably, I'm
1:26:31
more relaxed about it. I see. Yeah.
1:26:33
Do you feel... like elton again i'm
1:26:36
putting i'll put words in your mouth
1:26:38
i feel like elton john is immensely
1:26:40
talented and is somehow eclipsed his own
1:26:43
talent by being sort of controversial and
1:26:45
out there and getting in the press
1:26:47
for the wrong reason perhaps on occasion
1:26:49
but when you really just distill it
1:26:52
down he's a great songwriter great musician
1:26:54
great voice right that somehow has somehow
1:26:56
managed to overshadow him, his own talent
1:26:59
in a weird way. Do you know
1:27:01
what I'm saying? I think in many
1:27:03
ways, almost anyone as talented and successful
1:27:06
as him always has a moment of
1:27:08
being overshadowed by what the media pick
1:27:10
up on. You know, even Lady Gagga
1:27:12
now, we're just talking about the meat
1:27:15
thing that she's wearing on what outfits
1:27:17
she's wearing. And you know, we don't
1:27:19
really even talk about... Yeah,
1:27:22
I agree, but it becomes weird because
1:27:24
you realize these guys are, as you
1:27:26
say, the controversies, and as you say,
1:27:28
the controversies, and there's been one thing,
1:27:30
but as you say, everybody, I think,
1:27:33
knows, you know, a hand for his
1:27:35
songs and knows him for the talent
1:27:37
that he is. Yeah, I agree, but
1:27:39
it becomes weird because you realize these
1:27:41
guys are here because they're so incredibly
1:27:43
talented. and then somehow they at some
1:27:46
point they turn into I don't know
1:27:48
Elvis I mean even Elvis was able
1:27:50
to transcend his talent or you know
1:27:52
Liberace or Wayne Newton. I don't even
1:27:54
know if Wayne Newton has talent. The
1:27:56
point is, is even Elvis at the
1:27:59
end, people are like, ah, who the
1:28:01
hell, what the hell, that big fat
1:28:03
guy with the crazy outfits and all
1:28:05
that kind of stuff. And it's just,
1:28:07
it's just bizarre that there's a whole
1:28:09
generation that doesn't really know Elvis, the
1:28:12
songwriter, musician, performer, you know. Yeah, well
1:28:14
I guess perhaps what we do is
1:28:16
we focus so much in on the
1:28:18
personality rather than the talent, isn't, isn't
1:28:20
isn't it? you know and that the
1:28:22
whole notion of celebrity is a weird
1:28:25
world to focus in on these guys
1:28:27
who you know at the beginning they're
1:28:29
just very normal normal people with actually
1:28:31
a relatively simple job and you know
1:28:33
people are officially sometimes called me a
1:28:35
star and yet you know here I
1:28:38
am I'm just talking about myself whereas
1:28:40
there's a doctor out there who's saving
1:28:42
a life and a nurse who's saving
1:28:44
a life at this very moment while
1:28:46
I'm obsessing about myself and you know
1:28:48
a teacher who is educating a fireman
1:28:51
again saving a life an aid worker
1:28:53
and we should be calling these people
1:28:55
a stars we should be focusing on
1:28:57
them and we focus on something very
1:28:59
strange and I think we then create
1:29:01
a weird world for them to live
1:29:04
it. to go out on and let
1:29:06
you dive into those chicken wings. Because
1:29:08
I can smell them from where I'm
1:29:10
sitting and I know that feeling of
1:29:12
having a hot plate of grease in
1:29:14
front of me and not being able
1:29:17
to dig into it. That and the
1:29:19
screwed up Skype is going to be
1:29:21
enough for me. James Blunt everyone, some
1:29:23
kind of troubles, the name of his
1:29:25
third album, it is out as we
1:29:27
speak. You can head to his website
1:29:30
James blunt.com, you can Twitter him at
1:29:32
Dirty Lil Blunt, that's L blunt, that's
1:29:34
L. I'll blunt James always a delight.
1:29:36
It's a pleasure and I next time
1:29:38
when the Skype is working better I
1:29:40
will I will take my clothes off
1:29:43
for you and it'll be that much
1:29:45
more intimate but it's obviously going to
1:29:47
be trouble today. Thank you when you
1:29:49
blow through LA please stop by and
1:29:51
we'll have a hot plate of wings
1:29:53
waiting for you. I can't wait you
1:29:56
take care. Thank you the great James
1:29:58
Blunt. They're just better. The Brits are
1:30:00
just better than... They're just better. I
1:30:02
don't care if you can hear me
1:30:04
or not. They're just better people. It's
1:30:06
so delightful. All right, and you can
1:30:09
live off chicken wings and never get
1:30:11
fat. That is talent. All right, so
1:30:13
until next time, this is Adam Corolla
1:30:15
for James Blunt, saying mahalo. All
1:30:21
right, does Andrew's only appearance on the
1:30:23
Adam Carla show before his death? I
1:30:26
do need to apologize. I was quite
1:30:28
critical of his appreciation for movie Thor,
1:30:30
as he told Adam about. On a
1:30:33
later appearance, I made fun of him
1:30:35
like in the movie Thor. In retrospect,
1:30:37
of the early MCU, not so bad.
1:30:39
Kevina, uh, kind of rapidly. He has
1:30:42
a quite interesting film career and uh...
1:30:44
as a director, styles all over the
1:30:46
place. The eyebrows and the beard are
1:30:48
still kind of weird, but overall, not
1:30:51
so bad. All right, come over
1:30:53
our next flip today, we
1:30:55
have Adam Pearl Show 607,
1:30:57
Diane Hansen, Alsom Rosen, and
1:30:59
Brian Pishup, from 2011. Check it
1:31:02
out. Good day, Brian. I agree with
1:31:04
Paul Bryan. What? Good day, Allison
1:31:06
Rosen. I don't remember you saying
1:31:08
that at all. I agree. That sounds
1:31:11
like nothing you'd say. My new
1:31:13
favorite drop. We are doing some
1:31:15
renovations over here at Ace Broadcasting.
1:31:17
We'll keep you guys posted, chose
1:31:19
some pictures and all that kind
1:31:21
of stuff. So it's a little bit
1:31:23
loud. It's a little bit messy. It's
1:31:26
a little bit hot. It looks like
1:31:28
Dexter's Kill Room. Bear with us. Yeah,
1:31:30
it does have that look. getting my
1:31:32
hair cut today and you know I'm
1:31:34
very philosophical about the hair cuts because
1:31:36
my hair grows so fast that even
1:31:38
the worst haircut is about two and
1:31:41
a half well there is this weird
1:31:43
thing where as it's growing you're getting
1:31:45
used to the horrible cut and there's
1:31:47
a weird intersection where it even if
1:31:49
it doesn't grow out in ten days
1:31:51
you're used to looking at your shitty
1:31:53
haircut in ten days and they sort
1:31:55
of cross paths about nine or ten
1:31:58
days in and it doesn't bother you
1:32:00
so much and you almost don't want
1:32:02
to cut it again I feel like
1:32:04
this is no no you do never
1:32:06
that good okay this is an attack
1:32:08
right keep going No, no, I'm saying
1:32:11
this. I go, but I get my
1:32:13
hair cut and I'm always sort of
1:32:15
like, yeah, I don't give a shit.
1:32:17
And there's, you know, four Mexican ladies
1:32:19
at the model cuts. It's always great.
1:32:22
The name, by the way, anything that
1:32:24
has a name like Model or Superstar
1:32:26
or Pro in it, there's never, the
1:32:28
more that, if there's an auto dealership
1:32:30
called like Superstar used cars or something,
1:32:32
it's not like Superstar used cars or
1:32:35
something, like, it's not like, but so.
1:32:37
I go over there and it's always
1:32:39
like these five Mexican ladies and they're
1:32:41
all nice. Although ironically all have horrible
1:32:43
hair, which is kind of a weird
1:32:46
thing. You're kind of like, yeah. Yeah,
1:32:48
like that's their advertisement. Can't figure out
1:32:50
your own hair, huh? You're gonna work
1:32:52
on mine. There's not much they can
1:32:54
do. They get the clippers out. I
1:32:57
get my hair cut like a sheep
1:32:59
gets shorn, you know, it's just like,
1:33:01
this stuff just starts falling off in
1:33:03
my lap. And my lap. I've shown
1:33:05
up and I was like ready to
1:33:07
go but another guy showed up. and
1:33:10
he wanted he know he had one
1:33:12
lady he was waiting on she was
1:33:14
ready for me who was next but
1:33:16
he was waiting for her and it
1:33:18
was like he went in front of
1:33:21
me and it's a sort of weird
1:33:23
thing where people get a little too
1:33:25
involved especially 50 year old dudes about
1:33:27
their hair like oh yeah buddy you
1:33:29
make $42,000 a year you drive a
1:33:31
beat up Ford F-250 do you really
1:33:34
think the haircuts is that what's making
1:33:36
a break in you and so I
1:33:38
sit down in the chair in the
1:33:40
chair I feel like Alice in there
1:33:42
in a sports story. I'm getting the
1:33:45
haircut. Super invested and understanding every word
1:33:47
of it. Sweating. I'm getting my haircut.
1:33:49
I'm constantly bothered that they don't have
1:33:51
the battery operated shears because they have
1:33:53
the clippers. And the clipper has that.
1:33:56
cord and it's that cord that always
1:33:58
gets knotted up and twisted up. I
1:34:00
don't know why there's certain cords that
1:34:02
never happens to like fans. Fans have
1:34:04
cords that don't get knotted up but
1:34:06
telephones have cords and they get knotted
1:34:09
up and they get knotted up and
1:34:11
somehow those buzzer clipper things get all
1:34:13
knotted up. Anyway, they're always plugged in
1:34:15
a little bit too far to the
1:34:17
right and then when they come over
1:34:20
to buzz the left the left side
1:34:22
of my hair I have to contend
1:34:24
with it. they're pulling up a marlin
1:34:26
and they're trying to like untwist it
1:34:28
and apologize and it's sort of wacking
1:34:30
me in the face and I'm always
1:34:33
sort of like why don't you just
1:34:35
go ahead and get the battery operated
1:34:37
ones bitch they work just as good
1:34:39
they last the day I understand you
1:34:41
have to put him back in the
1:34:44
charger but it's not like you're ever
1:34:46
gonna exhaust the thing right in between
1:34:48
haircuts or wherever overnight whatever just drop
1:34:50
it into the fucking little charger thing
1:34:52
and then total freedom Instead of me
1:34:55
getting smacked in the face with a
1:34:57
cord when you're working on the opposite
1:34:59
side of my head, but now, never,
1:35:01
that's never going to happen. I don't
1:35:03
care, it's 12 bucks. So I sit
1:35:05
down and I'm in my chair and
1:35:08
I'm reading my like summer movie preview.
1:35:10
Usually it's all just like Latin entrepreneur
1:35:12
magazines that I'm not interested in, but
1:35:14
every once in a while they'll have
1:35:16
some. you know sports illustrated that's nine
1:35:19
years old or something like that I'll
1:35:21
be thumbing thumbing through Cecil Fielders having
1:35:23
a good year and I'll be thumbing
1:35:25
through that thing you know new guy
1:35:27
new guy in the league named Brett
1:35:29
Fauvery so I'll be looking at that.
1:35:32
Watch out Magic Man. Yep and I
1:35:34
have a I have a Magicowski second
1:35:36
Don Magicowski references many days. Second two
1:35:38
weeks. So trying to turn it back
1:35:40
to something you understand are you. I
1:35:43
have my... hypervigilance disorder so when somebody
1:35:45
sits in the chair next to me
1:35:47
I have to sort of notice them
1:35:49
and I have to overhear the conversation
1:35:51
I don't want to but I have
1:35:54
to guy comes walking in no one's
1:35:56
gonna get this reference but he looks
1:35:58
like Dan Kearney Dan Gurney's a very
1:36:00
famous race car driver. Yeah, he had
1:36:02
a team race team won the Indy
1:36:04
500 a few times big big big
1:36:07
nice guy Great in an emergency Gurney
1:36:09
came in invented the Gurney bubble. He's
1:36:11
such a tall dude. Why is it
1:36:13
you always picked? Why is it you
1:36:15
pick a picture of Dan Gurney that
1:36:18
has a hand? Show that picture Dan
1:36:20
Gurney tell me if you can see
1:36:22
one lock of Dan Gurney's hair? No
1:36:24
That's the beauty. That's the beauty of
1:36:26
when I call out for somebody, they
1:36:29
always pick the worst possible example of
1:36:31
what I'm talking about. He looks like
1:36:33
Jessica Tandy. This is a very old
1:36:35
Dan Gurney with not a lock of
1:36:37
his silver hair showing, but the point
1:36:39
is, this guy looks like Dan Gurney.
1:36:42
circuit 1980 and he's a tall dude
1:36:44
and he's gray hair and he's probably
1:36:46
60 years old and he sits in
1:36:48
the chair next to mine. Thankfully there's
1:36:50
a nice space of about good 8
1:36:53
10 feet between the chairs and he
1:36:55
sits down and it's just me and
1:36:57
him in the place and he starts
1:36:59
in with the you know you know
1:37:01
just the light on the top I'm
1:37:03
thin enough myself up here and I
1:37:06
sort of take this comment to now
1:37:08
look as he is a male pattern
1:37:10
baller and I sort of looked through
1:37:12
the reflection of my mirror on to
1:37:14
him, you know, because the good thing
1:37:17
about the barber shops, you can look,
1:37:19
you can bounce it off the mirror,
1:37:21
you know, bounce off, it looks like
1:37:23
she's got a pretty good head of
1:37:25
hair for a six year old dude.
1:37:28
And so she starts, there's Dan Kearney,
1:37:30
thank you. So she starts buzzing away
1:37:32
and clipping and then it kind of
1:37:34
stops and then there's maybe another little
1:37:36
back and forth of something. little language
1:37:38
barrier she's got a you know speaking
1:37:41
mostly Spanish and then all of a
1:37:43
sudden I just hear him go well
1:37:45
that's great okay you know what stop
1:37:47
just stop that that's that that's that
1:37:49
but that's quite enough okay I'm just
1:37:52
gonna leave now I you know what
1:37:54
and she's doing like sir sir is
1:37:56
there anything we can now you've done
1:37:58
enough damage for today I am literally
1:38:00
attempting to bury my fate. My nose
1:38:02
actually popped through the other side of
1:38:05
the sports illustrate. You have a staveler
1:38:07
in your nostril. Yeah, like I just
1:38:09
ran, mashed it, breaking off pieces, rolling
1:38:11
it up, and shoving it in my
1:38:13
ears. And he's getting louder. You've done
1:38:16
enough. You've done quite enough. And I
1:38:18
feel sorry for the poor lady, by the
1:38:20
way. you know, 55-year-old Hispanic woman bleach
1:38:22
blonde Marilyn Monroe hair that looks like
1:38:24
it's been raped by a hair dryer
1:38:26
and the sun, like down to her
1:38:29
waist, just the worst example of... If
1:38:31
a guy said he was going to
1:38:33
customize your car and he pulled up
1:38:35
in a car version of her hair,
1:38:37
you push it off a fucking clef,
1:38:40
you know. And she's like, sir, sir,
1:38:42
I feel bad, sir, is there anything
1:38:44
we can do? I misunderstood you. And
1:38:46
he's like, no, you've done enough, you've
1:38:48
done quite enough, no, I'll thank you,
1:38:50
thank you, I'll just, and then there's
1:38:53
this uncomfortable and we've all had this,
1:38:55
it's the, it's the, it's the
1:38:57
haircut equivalent to the guy who
1:39:00
goes, this interview's over and then he
1:39:02
stands up and he's got his Mike.
1:39:04
on clipped on to him and it's
1:39:07
running through a shirt and wrapped around
1:39:09
his belt bug. Okay, this interview's over
1:39:11
and then he starts fighting
1:39:13
with the mic cord. I'll be
1:39:16
storming out in approximately 15 minutes.
1:39:18
Yes, Morley, you'll probably be dead
1:39:20
by the time I get this
1:39:22
mic undone, but let it take
1:39:24
this to your grave. I've had
1:39:26
enough of this interview and then
1:39:29
say interview. He stands up. He's
1:39:31
got his... weird, you know, he's
1:39:33
slicker on, you know, his hair,
1:39:35
his hair smock thing, and he's
1:39:37
like, you know what, enough, enough,
1:39:39
and he starts to leave and
1:39:42
his cape swings around and now
1:39:44
he's having difficulty undoing
1:39:46
his cape, his cape, his cape,
1:39:48
his cape, his cape, I've, you've
1:39:50
done enough, and she's like, sir,
1:39:52
let me help, no, you've done
1:39:54
quite enough damage for today, but
1:39:56
it's like he can't leave with
1:39:58
his hair, you know. party, you
1:40:00
hate them, and you've had enough of
1:40:03
their shenanigans, and then you'll come back
1:40:05
10 minutes later. Okay, I forgot my
1:40:07
purse. You know, it's like that guy.
1:40:09
Who's got the red Honda? Right, right.
1:40:12
That's essentially what it is. I guess
1:40:14
I will take those leftovers. I'm just
1:40:16
like sitting there and there's, first off,
1:40:18
his hair looks fine. He's like, right,
1:40:21
right. He's like... I don't know, 60
1:40:23
and obviously... He's not Mark Fuckin' Cuban
1:40:25
or he wouldn't be at model cuts.
1:40:27
Things aren't going well for him. We're
1:40:29
both sitting at model cuts. It's the
1:40:32
middle of the week. It's the middle
1:40:34
of the fucking day. I guarantee I'm
1:40:36
the richest guy in that place. No
1:40:38
one goes and gets a $12 haircut
1:40:41
unless they have to. I'm the only
1:40:43
guy stupid enough. Or really just doesn't
1:40:45
give a shit enough. I have hats,
1:40:47
I'm married, what do I give a
1:40:49
fuck for? An $80 haircut for me
1:40:52
is throwing your money away. It's just,
1:40:54
you know, shaving your dog's ass for
1:40:56
80 bucks. It's just not, there's nothing
1:40:58
you can do to make it better
1:41:01
or make it worse, really. And it
1:41:03
grows so fast I don't give a
1:41:05
shit, but... Shaving your dog's ass? Yes.
1:41:07
It's an interesting colloquialism. Thank you. So
1:41:10
this dog, this guy. This guy first
1:41:12
of looks fine. Secondly, I don't know
1:41:14
where the fuck he's going. Thirdly, he's
1:41:16
not like a rich guy. I don't
1:41:18
know who he's like he's I'm going
1:41:21
out with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model
1:41:23
tonight. Now you've just you've ruined the
1:41:25
whole deal. I'm only gonna get a
1:41:27
hand job at this point. She cut
1:41:30
his hair and his mojo. Right. And
1:41:32
so he's announced that this is never
1:41:34
gonna work. You know, like I want
1:41:36
to Jump in and sort of defend
1:41:38
I don't know what I I don't
1:41:41
know what protocol is. I don't know
1:41:43
what to say I all I it's
1:41:45
also weird to not notice Like there's
1:41:47
a part in part where it gets
1:41:50
so loud and so over the top
1:41:52
where that if you're never your gaze
1:41:54
never goes over there now you're intentionally
1:41:56
not noticing which it's its own thing
1:41:59
you know but then I think who
1:42:01
the fucking how does this work? Like
1:42:03
where you get to get really loud
1:42:05
and you get to get and she's
1:42:07
holding up the mirror saying do you
1:42:10
want to look at the back I
1:42:12
love the fact that that you want
1:42:14
to look at the back thing is
1:42:16
so built into these people even when
1:42:19
the guy's getting up and wrestling with
1:42:21
his smock she's like look at the
1:42:23
back I by the way declined to
1:42:25
look at the back I'm always like
1:42:28
first off if you think it's fine
1:42:30
it's fine secondly I've never looked at
1:42:32
the back and been either been delighted
1:42:34
You're devastated. I've always just looked at
1:42:36
the back and went, eh, let's, that's
1:42:39
kind of like a front, but with
1:42:41
more and less face. That's exactly what
1:42:43
I pictured the back of my head
1:42:45
to look like, so I'm about right
1:42:48
there. And then thirdly, what if you
1:42:50
did fuck it up? What choices would
1:42:52
we have? To add more hair? There's
1:42:54
really nothing I can do, but look
1:42:56
at the back, and all you do
1:42:59
is nod, ah, yeah, yeah. It's just
1:43:01
what it's to partially by the side
1:43:03
of the hair-cutting plate. There's nothing. So
1:43:05
now I just you know what? Let's
1:43:08
let's drop the charade. I don't need
1:43:10
to look at the back. You don't
1:43:12
need to hold the mirror. Oh, by
1:43:14
the way, there's mock. That's on Ventura
1:43:17
Boulevard. It's the, oh, sorry, I lied,
1:43:19
it's 1299. As you had described. Yeah,
1:43:21
it's 1299. Although when you factor in
1:43:23
the $61 parking ticket, usually get in
1:43:25
front of the place, then it becomes
1:43:28
almost $100. With that price you could
1:43:30
get frost and tipped. So, I, so
1:43:32
the guy stands up, he's fighting with
1:43:34
this mock. She's holding the mirror. He
1:43:37
looks fine to me. I don't know
1:43:39
what to say. I say nothing. He
1:43:41
then starts to storm out, then insists
1:43:43
on paying, but only has like $20
1:43:46
and obviously doesn't want a tip on
1:43:48
the... You know, so now he's got
1:43:50
to wait for change while he's indignant,
1:43:52
you know, and now she's... looking for
1:43:54
change and I thought what is this
1:43:57
and why do I have to get
1:43:59
dragged into this and who are these
1:44:01
people and where is it and this
1:44:03
guy 60 was he this way at
1:44:06
19 and is he gonna be this
1:44:08
way at 99 like What the fuck?
1:44:10
And listen everybody, you having a bad
1:44:12
experience is fine. Could you please not
1:44:14
drag the rest of the world into
1:44:17
it? You understand my haircut is being
1:44:19
destroyed by your haircut that you think
1:44:21
was destroyed even though? You're relaxing spa
1:44:23
day. Isn't relaxing no more? Speaking of
1:44:26
protocol, who, once he leaves, who breaks
1:44:28
the silence? Right. And because then they're
1:44:30
all like, you're a really good customer,
1:44:32
right? I have to do that, you
1:44:35
know, I have to do that under
1:44:37
the breath. of it's not it's noncommittal
1:44:39
you know he looked okay from here
1:44:41
I don't know about that and then
1:44:43
every once while you can do the
1:44:46
takes all kinds and baby Eva's bottle
1:44:48
yeah cyber cyber atom I for every
1:44:50
I could I could do like I
1:44:52
could go pinch a loaf and take
1:44:55
nine calls with Brian just doing this
1:44:57
that's why you get the big bar
1:44:59
yeah I've never pitched a fit anywhere
1:45:01
he's a big boy with people that
1:45:03
aren't my immediate immediate family Meaning I've
1:45:06
had a tantrum in front of my
1:45:08
family, but I've never, and I've definitely
1:45:10
had haircuts that have upset me for
1:45:12
days. Well, the last one I pitched
1:45:15
was at McCarran Airport, but the only
1:45:17
person that was there to hear it
1:45:19
was the heads at Easter Island. who
1:45:21
were behind the counter, and then the
1:45:24
poor goth chick who was already crying
1:45:26
because she had not been let on
1:45:28
the plane because a friend of her,
1:45:30
I think it was like a bereavement
1:45:32
fair or something, somebody was being buried
1:45:35
in L.A. the following morning and they
1:45:37
were like, shove off, bitch. And she's
1:45:39
like, my friend died and I'm going
1:45:41
to L.A. And they're like, yeah, shove
1:45:44
off. What are you going to do?
1:45:46
What are you going to do? All
1:45:48
right, so that was my lovely haircut.
1:45:50
And again, if you're going to storm
1:45:53
off, make sure the smock and or
1:45:55
the microphone is removed first. Is removed
1:45:57
first. So you really have no idea
1:45:59
what... His hair looked totally fine to
1:46:01
you. First off, he had old man
1:46:04
hair, like just sort of that all
1:46:06
gray, sort of straight, weird, old guy
1:46:08
hair. And then secondly, he. it looked
1:46:10
like a normal hair cat to me
1:46:13
like it wasn't like oh Jesus Christ
1:46:15
that she missed on that one or
1:46:17
something doesn't anything going on he he
1:46:19
clearly came in with some ideas my
1:46:21
you know my ideas are always just
1:46:24
whatever it is now make it about
1:46:26
40% shorter and will be cool and
1:46:28
clean up that weird hair stuff on
1:46:30
the back of my neck but other
1:46:33
than that we don't have anything that
1:46:35
to talk about, but he had ideas
1:46:37
of what he wanted done with his
1:46:39
hair. He probably gave them a picture
1:46:42
of Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, but circuit friends.
1:46:44
The Rachel. Yeah, the Rachel. Yeah. First
1:46:46
off, it's a fucking 1299 haircut. Who
1:46:48
do you think you're going to Jose
1:46:50
Ebert? Like fucking what? All right. I
1:46:53
would have gone with a dude or
1:46:55
are you gay on that one? All
1:46:57
right, the point is, the guy was
1:46:59
hot for a while, the point is,
1:47:02
is, if you're paying well, if you're
1:47:04
probably well under $15 for your hair
1:47:06
cut and it's 2011, you shouldn't have
1:47:08
a laundry list of demands. Right. Come
1:47:11
on, find me picture Jose with the
1:47:13
ponytail and the weird bent up cowboy
1:47:15
hat. And the silver turquoise jewelry. Yeah,
1:47:17
he was one of the, or he
1:47:19
was one of the pioneers of that
1:47:22
weird starched bent up cowboy hat. I'm
1:47:24
just excited because the listeners don't know.
1:47:26
You come into the show usually with
1:47:28
a note or two about what to
1:47:31
talk about. You have a haircut and
1:47:33
underneath that and in big letters, inexcess.
1:47:35
Oh. Yeah, there's Jose. Yeah. Holding a
1:47:37
dilda. Yeah, you'll be sadballed Brian, but
1:47:39
I I just I just put the
1:47:42
I'm not going to get too much
1:47:44
in excess You can say like those
1:47:46
guys, but I did have the you
1:47:48
know I had the 80s channel just
1:47:51
sort of going throughout the house like
1:47:53
on the satellite radio whatever and I
1:47:55
took a nap my wife took a
1:47:57
nap and we both got up and
1:48:00
we walked downstairs and we heard that
1:48:02
didn't It's party here. This is what
1:48:04
it is. What is the party here?
1:48:06
And at a certain point, I just,
1:48:08
I said to my wife, you know
1:48:11
that thing when you wake up from
1:48:13
a nap and you're sort of pre-anoid?
1:48:15
Yes. Everything's easy to get on your
1:48:17
last nerve? I just saw my wife
1:48:20
and I said, how bad at least
1:48:22
this song suck? And she went, oh
1:48:24
my god, it sucks. And I was
1:48:26
like, I know, in excess sucks so
1:48:28
much. You know your vows? And like,
1:48:31
I understand fast songs. I understand songs
1:48:33
when you just want to fucking rock
1:48:35
out and understand songs that are slow
1:48:37
and melodic where you just want to
1:48:40
cry and they just, all moody and
1:48:42
everything. I don't understand the in- Wait,
1:48:45
is this play the is this
1:48:47
a party here? That's what it
1:48:49
is or what's the fucking name
1:48:51
of that? Fucking piece of cat
1:48:53
shit and I like in excess,
1:48:56
but they're fucking horrible And then
1:48:58
I started thinking you know what?
1:49:00
If their lead singer Michael Hutchins,
1:49:02
if he wasn't even look like
1:49:04
a like a nagal painting in
1:49:06
1986 this band would be nothing.
1:49:08
Yeah, they're fucking horrible and no
1:49:10
band has had less They have
1:49:13
no musical anything. He talks, he
1:49:15
talks the whole fucking day. And
1:49:17
it's always like, if I ever
1:49:19
heard any excess, I'd go, this
1:49:21
is a good demo tape. Now
1:49:23
let's go into the studio and
1:49:25
finish the song and then go,
1:49:28
what are you talking about? We're
1:49:30
done. And I'd go, what do
1:49:32
you mean? This is a scratch
1:49:34
track, right? You made this in
1:49:36
your basement, right? Yeah,
1:49:40
this song is grating and the
1:49:42
thing is it's it's a nowhere
1:49:44
song Yeah, it's not fast. It's
1:49:46
not slow It doesn't have a
1:49:49
cool groove. It has nothing. It's
1:49:51
just there's a party here. That's
1:49:53
what this is what they say
1:49:55
it's a great groove It's a
1:49:57
fucking horrible piece of shit unmolotic
1:50:00
just empty. It's an empty song
1:50:02
piece of fucking styrofoam packing. It's
1:50:04
got bad sacks, everything's bad. All
1:50:06
that's- It's the same song, by
1:50:09
the way. It's, where's the rest
1:50:11
of the instruments? And it says,
1:50:13
there's fucking gate guys in the
1:50:15
band. How many of them play
1:50:17
the tamboreen? He's no Jesus, Jones.
1:50:20
Why you said it's subjective and
1:50:22
you're entitled to your opinion, but
1:50:24
no groove, this is a great
1:50:26
groove. And then this part just
1:50:29
never answers a party here. That's
1:50:31
what it is. What's he saying?
1:50:33
He's saying, that's right. Oh, it's
1:50:35
what? This, oh. Oh, well you
1:50:37
just hate this ass. It's just.
1:50:40
No, it's soulless. It's just a
1:50:42
piece of shit song. It's just
1:50:44
such a zero. In excess is
1:50:46
such a shitty band. I defy
1:50:49
to find a shittier musical band
1:50:51
that's had more hits than in
1:50:53
excess. Musically, they're fucking horrible. We
1:50:55
couldn't be on opposite, more opposite
1:50:57
sides of the spectrum. Well first
1:51:00
off, he can't sing, he talks.
1:51:02
The sacks is this weird, screechy,
1:51:04
bad 80s piece of shit. I
1:51:10
don't know what to do
1:51:13
to it. It's like you
1:51:15
can't dance to it. You
1:51:18
fuck to it, Adam. You
1:51:20
fuck to it. You can
1:51:23
hide to it. You can't
1:51:25
karaoke it. No. It's not
1:51:28
a karaoke song. It's not
1:51:30
a driving song. Yeah, you
1:51:33
shop to it. It's it's
1:51:35
so soulless. It's fucking devoid
1:51:38
of a soul It's horrible.
1:51:40
Allison you were in a
1:51:42
band. It's fucking ridiculously bad.
1:51:45
It's not music It's very
1:51:47
synthesized. It's there's nothing to
1:51:50
it. It's zero It's you
1:51:52
know what it is? It's
1:51:55
a, it's a rice cake.
1:51:57
With just a little, I
1:52:00
can't believe it's not butter
1:52:02
sprayed on it. Just one,
1:52:05
I can't believe it's not,
1:52:07
just one spread. One half
1:52:10
a, that's it. That's it.
1:52:12
That's only 0.9 calories.
1:52:14
Nothing. Yeah. Speaking a process.
1:52:16
Nice guys, by the way, love
1:52:19
them dearly, but Jesus. Their music
1:52:21
is horrible. And the fact that
1:52:23
I've heard this song 200,000 times
1:52:25
is to fuck in travesty. It
1:52:27
gets played every 10 seconds on
1:52:29
the 80s channels. It's a piece of
1:52:31
shit. It's horrible. In excess, a horrible
1:52:33
band. All right, anyone, find me, find
1:52:35
me how many hits in excess of
1:52:37
that and then I defy to find
1:52:40
me a shittier band musically. Right. A
1:52:42
worst band that is at more hits.
1:52:44
I mean, you can say what you
1:52:46
want about Hall and Oates and Hall
1:52:48
Notes has a ton of shitty songs
1:52:50
that made it. But even Huey
1:52:52
Lewis is a fuller sound than this.
1:52:54
I don't know if it's better than
1:52:57
this. Yeah, I don't want to
1:52:59
listen to Huey Lewis. Where did
1:53:01
you put Robert Palmer? I am quite
1:53:03
familiar with annexes canon and you and
1:53:05
I cannot be on more opposite sides
1:53:07
of this this is that is that's
1:53:09
a band like horrible music you have
1:53:12
horrible taste right please annexes a piece
1:53:14
of shit man they get lumped in
1:53:16
with who with a lot of the
1:53:18
sort of synth pop bands of the
1:53:20
80s and I think they don't deserve
1:53:22
it at all they got great groos
1:53:24
and they uh a singer who talks
1:53:26
both all the songs sound alike and
1:53:29
I might have a half a song
1:53:31
of theirs I like anyway Let's talk
1:53:33
about happier things. Universal City
1:53:35
Walk this Thursday, Brian Cranston,
1:53:37
everyone. Ace Hotel, Palm Springs,
1:53:40
21st. That's the live podcast.
1:53:42
Queen Elizabeth Theatre, Toronto. All
1:53:45
right, Canada, I'm coming to
1:53:47
you, now buy some god-dam
1:53:49
tickets. That's this Friday, Burgado
1:53:52
Casino, Atlantic City. That is this
1:53:54
Saturday. House of Blues, Vegas. Coming
1:53:56
up on the 6th of August. And
1:53:59
I should tell... there. I have. I
1:54:01
like the lack of us. Lack of
1:54:03
you, I like the single show nights.
1:54:05
The two show nights are a little
1:54:08
bit rough, especially when they spread them
1:54:10
way out. Like they tell Mike August
1:54:12
the first shows at seven and the
1:54:15
first shows at eight. We get there
1:54:17
at 6.30 and then the second show
1:54:19
is supposed to start at 10, but
1:54:21
it starts at 10.30 and everyone's drunk
1:54:24
at the end of the thing and
1:54:26
ends up being three hours of me
1:54:28
standing there sort of sweating through my
1:54:30
shirt. But the one, in, in excess
1:54:33
had 17 billboard hits and in the
1:54:35
US and seven in the top 10.
1:54:37
That is a fucking travesty for a
1:54:40
horrible band. All right. Amazon. A lot
1:54:42
of people have been asking about Amazon.
1:54:44
They've been hearing the stories. Jerry Brown,
1:54:46
Governor Brown, signing legislation, blah blah blah
1:54:49
blah. Amazon pulling out affiliates program. Blah
1:54:51
blah blah blah blah. I have told
1:54:53
you that Amazon and our relationship with
1:54:56
Amazon has been fantastic and you guys
1:54:58
and coming through with your support for
1:55:00
this show through your support of Amazon
1:55:02
has been Better than we could have
1:55:05
ever even imagined and a lot of
1:55:07
people been asking on Twitter and the
1:55:09
message board and so and so forth
1:55:12
now What's going to happen with Amazon?
1:55:14
We struck a deal with Amazon We
1:55:16
have worked it out with Amazon. I
1:55:18
will not bore you with all the
1:55:21
details I will tell you business as
1:55:23
usual as far as you guys are
1:55:25
concerned with Amazon So again if you'd
1:55:28
like to support the show and you're
1:55:30
thinking about getting something on Amazon go
1:55:32
to Adam krolla.com and click on the
1:55:34
button there and you will be supporting
1:55:37
the show. It'll be in a slightly
1:55:39
different way because of the laws, but
1:55:41
you still will be supporting the show.
1:55:44
So as far as anyone who's listening,
1:55:46
who has any questions about us and
1:55:48
Amazon and supporting the show, all you
1:55:50
have to do is exactly what you
1:55:53
were doing two weeks ago, which was
1:55:55
perfect, and you keep it up and
1:55:57
we'll be in clover and you'll be
1:56:00
to support the show. All right and
1:56:02
speaking of that for those of you
1:56:04
who want to do the group on
1:56:06
thing and support the show through group
1:56:09
on which I've just been digging on
1:56:11
all the local things and all the
1:56:13
savings and all the stuff you can
1:56:16
use the group on link on our
1:56:18
website for group deals local to you.
1:56:20
Yes Brian did that last night. Usually.
1:56:22
Click. Now, no. Almost as good. Click
1:56:25
through the hairbone link. How dare you?
1:56:27
Mm-hmm. Clicked on the group on link
1:56:29
on our website and got a a
1:56:31
tasting gift card for wine tasting. Uh-huh.
1:56:34
Yeah. And throw through our side? Yeah,
1:56:36
it's really cool. For 10 bucks. I
1:56:38
think even a mouthy. My restaurant is
1:56:41
on that. That's out here. And then
1:56:43
wherever you're listening. There's some version of
1:56:45
that that that has to do with
1:56:47
wine or yogurt or yogurt or yogurt
1:56:50
or haircuts or haircuts or haircuts or
1:56:52
Italian or Italian food or Italian food
1:56:54
or massages or massages or massages or
1:56:57
massages or massages or cutages or cutages
1:56:59
or cutical pushes or whatever. Big Fat
1:57:01
old discount. All right, should we do
1:57:03
some news? Yeah, sure. Relationship calls? Yes,
1:57:06
Dawson. Are you better or worse than
1:57:08
in excess? Oh, much better. I don't
1:57:10
like R. M. I don't like R.
1:57:13
M. I don't like R. M. I
1:57:15
don't like R. M. But musically, they
1:57:17
have more hits. Oh, good. R. M.
1:57:19
has a lot of sort of bullshit
1:57:22
jack off songs. Like that stand song.
1:57:24
I do. Stand is a song where
1:57:26
they're sort of making fun of pop
1:57:29
songs or something or they haven't a
1:57:31
couple those songs They're sort of intentional
1:57:33
pop songs, but I I hate everyone
1:57:35
in R. M. But melotically much better
1:57:38
in N excess and excess is missing
1:57:40
instruments. It sounds like a scratch track
1:57:42
to me. I don't know have to
1:57:45
get into Robert Palmer and figure that
1:57:47
figure him out. All right. Do you
1:57:49
want to do a little bit of
1:57:51
news? Yeah Next to Donnie's minibikes, this
1:57:54
is the news with Allison Rosen. Adam,
1:57:56
your buddy, Roo, Dr. Drew, has said
1:57:58
that Slub Rehab is going on indefinite
1:58:01
hiatus after this season. Wow. I've heard
1:58:03
a couple different stories. about why this
1:58:05
is happening. The official word is that
1:58:07
he is just too busy because he
1:58:10
has, you know, a zillion shows. But
1:58:12
then the fix, which is a website
1:58:14
that focuses on the Friday end. No,
1:58:17
this is just one. One that leads
1:58:19
to another. Yeah. Is postulating that it's
1:58:21
because he is. you know, depressed over
1:58:23
the recent deaths of Mike Starr and
1:58:26
Jeff Conway and that it's becoming harder
1:58:28
and harder to get real celebrities on
1:58:30
the show. I had a nice moment
1:58:32
today. I was talking to a friend
1:58:35
of mine, a civilian friend of mine.
1:58:37
And have those? Yeah, I have a
1:58:39
couple civilian friends. It was about noon.
1:58:42
I know. Well, I'll try to keep
1:58:44
them in arms distance. That's why we
1:58:46
only talk over the phone. Right. I
1:58:48
have saw on a phone and it
1:58:51
was like that beep on the other
1:58:53
line and I took a look. Oh,
1:58:55
oh, NBC's calling. and I thought who
1:58:58
the fuck and you know my first
1:59:00
impulse is a I called someone an
1:59:02
asshole over there they're calling to settle
1:59:04
my hash and then my next impulse
1:59:07
was oh I think I'm doing Leno
1:59:09
next week and as a not a
1:59:11
bit but being a guest on Leno
1:59:14
and it's probably one of their one
1:59:16
of their segment producers and it's just
1:59:18
on the other phone side just so
1:59:20
hold on a second Dan click over
1:59:23
Adam it's Jay Leno on the other
1:59:25
line I say Jay what's going on
1:59:27
says hey I just just want to
1:59:30
congratulate you on the car show been
1:59:32
following it checking out commercials look funny
1:59:34
I've read a few reviews seems like
1:59:36
a good show I just want to
1:59:39
wish you look that's nice and I
1:59:41
know he's just one of those it's
1:59:43
why I say it every time about
1:59:46
Leno everyone I say it every time
1:59:48
about Leno I don't think Letterman would
1:59:50
just give you a buzz and say
1:59:52
kudos to you and wish you good
1:59:55
luck. I mean, he's very menchy that
1:59:57
way and like I said, you can
1:59:59
say whatever the fuck you want about
2:00:02
Jay Leno, but how many other guys
2:00:04
can you just call at 11 o'clock
2:00:06
in the, you know, on a Sunday
2:00:08
and go, I'm coming over and he
2:00:11
just goes, yeah, come over to a
2:00:13
shop and walk around with your kid
2:00:15
all day. Right. I mean, it's like,
2:00:18
there's like, there's no rules, there's no
2:00:20
rules, there's no rules, you. I just
2:00:22
want to tell you, cool, and show,
2:00:24
look school, and I'm looking forward to
2:00:27
it. And we'd talk for a couple
2:00:29
of beats, and I say, all right,
2:00:31
and I think I'll see you next
2:00:33
week. I don't think he knew I
2:00:36
was coming in next week, but I
2:00:38
said, I think I'll see you next
2:00:40
week. And he goes, oh, great. And
2:00:43
I hang up the phone. And my
2:00:45
friend, Dan. And about four minutes later,
2:00:47
phone rings over against a CNN. He
2:00:49
had our friend Paul for Cameron who's
2:00:52
a reporter over there and I had
2:00:54
to say I'm on the other line
2:00:56
but I talked to Drew for a
2:00:59
second and I come back but in
2:01:01
the in the span of about four
2:01:03
minutes I was like yeah sorry that
2:01:05
was the Leno yeah sorry that was
2:01:08
true I sounded cool right very cool
2:01:10
I'm just waiting for Kimmel to call
2:01:12
next I think he's with Howard Stern
2:01:15
at the Hamptons but I don't care
2:01:17
And speaking of a car show, thanks
2:01:19
for all the nice compliments people given
2:01:21
on the commercials and the spots they've
2:01:24
seen running and all that kind of
2:01:26
stuff and it will air on Wednesday
2:01:28
at 10 o'clock on speed if you're
2:01:31
interested in watching. My dad set the
2:01:33
DBR. I love him. He announced to
2:01:35
me. My dad too. I mentioned it
2:01:37
to Rub it in. I told my
2:01:40
dad, I told my dad, I told
2:01:42
my dad about it, I said two
2:01:44
strikes and one, don't like cars, second
2:01:47
you. Yeah, he's like, who's in this
2:01:49
show? No, seriously, that is two strikes,
2:01:51
that is cars and his son. Well,
2:01:53
you're almost doing topless. That's right. All
2:01:56
right, where were we? Well, we were
2:01:58
talking about your friend, Dr. Drew, Dr.
2:02:00
Drew. your famous friends. Yes. And celebrity
2:02:03
rehab is going on indefinite hiatus after
2:02:05
the season. Do you know anything about
2:02:07
why this is happening? Or what are
2:02:09
your theories? I know Drew has a
2:02:12
whole shit load of shows and I
2:02:14
know the way sometimes people do their
2:02:16
shows is they hedge them, which is
2:02:19
don't pull the plug on. this until
2:02:21
you figure out that's going to get
2:02:23
picked up for season two or to
2:02:25
find out we're getting traction with that
2:02:28
or if that works out so there's
2:02:30
this sort of thing where look I
2:02:32
can't do seven shows indefinitely but somebody
2:02:35
probably said it was probably my ex-manager
2:02:37
look let's do this let's see how
2:02:39
it's going over there on CNN or
2:02:41
whatever that I can't never figure out
2:02:44
the new network. H-L-N-H-L-N-L-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- that that show's
2:02:46
looking good and doing well. And that
2:02:48
life changers coming out which is a
2:02:50
television. And yeah and also he does,
2:02:53
Drew internalizes and carries that stuff around.
2:02:55
I mean Drew, you know, as I've
2:02:57
said many times, some cunt would come
2:03:00
backstage at some show we do at
2:03:02
the University of Bichica and she'd just
2:03:04
come back and she'd just come back
2:03:06
and she'd be some... I almost majored
2:03:09
there. Honchi molestation victim and she'd come
2:03:11
back there and she'd go, what makes
2:03:13
you think it's okay to give out,
2:03:16
to give out advice. people have families
2:03:18
and blah blah blah blah and I'd
2:03:20
like I'd like shove off bitch and
2:03:22
then we'd be going through the airport
2:03:25
the next morning Drew'd be like man
2:03:27
I wonder why she was so angry
2:03:29
at us and I'd be like she's
2:03:32
angry at her stepdad for molesting her
2:03:34
and he'd be like yeah but I
2:03:36
wish I could have explained her and
2:03:38
I'd be like oh fuck it who
2:03:41
cares you know yeah but I feel
2:03:43
bad that she felt like you know
2:03:45
so he really internal for celebrity rehab
2:03:48
Adam Carolla. Yeah Yeah, plenty plenty good
2:03:50
advice Just stop doing drugs save your
2:03:52
tears for someone it gives a shit
2:03:54
And by the way I'll throw in
2:03:57
the hole and crank in excess you
2:03:59
keep this up now Did you guys
2:04:01
did your shows go over well when
2:04:04
you performed at the University of Bichica?
2:04:06
All All our live shows went well
2:04:08
with the exception of, well we had
2:04:10
a couple of bad moments. College of
2:04:13
Fine Cuts. Yeah, when we were playing
2:04:15
the University of the labias over that,
2:04:17
wow, a million-old picture, yeah. The Volvitec,
2:04:20
the trade schools were never really good.
2:04:22
There's a graduate program. We were... I
2:04:24
think we were at Syracuse, which has
2:04:26
a big communications department, and everyone in
2:04:29
there was in the television, radio, whatever,
2:04:31
and at some point at the beginning
2:04:33
of the show, somebody said, what do
2:04:36
you think about getting into radio and
2:04:38
getting into television? What's the best way
2:04:40
to break in? And Drew just did
2:04:42
this, don't bother with the classes, and
2:04:45
don't bother with the programs, and don't
2:04:47
bother with it. And everybody, there's 2,000
2:04:49
people in there that were all communication,
2:04:51
television, television, television, radio majors. Don't just
2:04:54
go to a go to a radio
2:04:56
station start driving the van and in
2:04:58
turning don't even bother with all these
2:05:01
courses that he had no idea in
2:05:03
the room was like the life was
2:05:05
sucked out of it and I could
2:05:07
feel it but Drew never never could
2:05:10
yeah yeah it's about the only tough
2:05:12
time we had well a marine has
2:05:14
asked me liqueunis to the marine corps
2:05:17
ball on a YouTube video and she
2:05:19
accepted and we will watch the video
2:05:21
but while we're watching it I want
2:05:23
you to think about something, which I've
2:05:26
been thinking about, which is, did she
2:05:28
accept because it's sort of like when
2:05:30
you're at the grocery store and in
2:05:33
front of everyone, they're like, would you
2:05:35
like to donate a dollar to young
2:05:37
children suffering from something horrible? And you
2:05:39
feel like you have to. How did
2:05:42
she say no? Oh, the guy, the
2:05:44
guy at the bar, what if you
2:05:46
yelled no? Yeah. Right. Well, I think
2:05:49
we have the video. Yes, we do.
2:05:53
Hey, me, look, Sergeant Warren, that you
2:05:55
can call me Scott. I just want
2:05:57
to take a moment out of my
2:05:59
day, as soon as like you, as
2:06:01
the Green Corps ball. November 18th in
2:06:03
Greenville, North Carolina, but there's truly. So
2:06:05
take a second to think about it.
2:06:07
Get back to me. All right, bye
2:06:09
now. I have this close to raping you.
2:06:11
I stepped on a landmine moments
2:06:14
later. She said yes. Oh really? Yeah.
2:06:16
I've been thinking a lot about
2:06:18
Mila lately. Well, haven't we all?
2:06:21
She's one of these people really
2:06:23
nice. She's like a really sweet
2:06:25
person. When you see her in
2:06:27
real life, there's nothing there. There's
2:06:30
just it's just like a cute
2:06:32
cute little girl, right? But she's
2:06:34
all a five foot nothing and
2:06:36
a hundred nothing pounds Right. There's
2:06:38
not anything there. She photographs exceptionally
2:06:40
well and looks great on the
2:06:43
post There's no then there's people
2:06:45
when you see them in person. There's more
2:06:47
there than than you thought you saw in
2:06:49
the picture. She's just a lot of nothing
2:06:52
And not, I know it sounds like, in
2:06:54
a bad way, I just mean, I see
2:06:56
her, she'd do love line or I'd do
2:06:58
family guys. If your lions aren't on fire
2:07:01
when you see her in person. No, she's
2:07:03
like a little cute, little, she's like a
2:07:05
little sort of... She's definitely attractive, but she's
2:07:07
waifish, yes. She's not even, it's not even
2:07:09
waif, she's short. Like, I mean, like, she
2:07:12
literally, if she was working behind the counter
2:07:14
at a Zancu chicken and you walked in,
2:07:16
you wouldn't say anything. Like, you wouldn't. Versus,
2:07:18
if Gweneth Paltrow was, you'd be
2:07:21
like, hey, what are you doing
2:07:23
here? You know what I mean?
2:07:25
I'll get you into Playboy. Now,
2:07:28
it's funny, because I'm about to
2:07:30
bring up Macaulay Kalkin. Somebody just
2:07:32
brought a picture. And I haven't
2:07:34
been thinking about this. that
2:07:37
she's going to this they're
2:07:39
broken up they're broken or
2:07:41
just that she's everywhere the fact
2:07:43
that when he met her and and
2:07:46
when I when he when she did
2:07:48
love line she introduced me to him
2:07:50
like six years ago or whatever and
2:07:52
when I was doing the family guy
2:07:54
I think he was hanging out with
2:07:57
her and what have you but the
2:07:59
point is is By the way, they should
2:08:01
have kids that have amazing eyes.
2:08:03
The point is, is, you see
2:08:05
her in real life, parts are
2:08:07
Macaulay-Caulkin's five foot four, like there's
2:08:09
nothing to her in real life.
2:08:11
You just go, oh, those are
2:08:13
nice eyes, but there's not much,
2:08:16
but looks great on a poster,
2:08:18
and she's great. But from a
2:08:20
Macaulay-Caulkin's standpoint, the only thing worse
2:08:22
than you being a former superstar,
2:08:24
Big as big as big gets
2:08:26
at his peak easily one of
2:08:28
the top 10 stars in the
2:08:30
world easily easily at his peak
2:08:32
the only worse than that is
2:08:34
that the chick who was like
2:08:36
you know fifth fiddle on a
2:08:38
so so sitcom who's been canceled
2:08:40
who looks like she's gonna write
2:08:42
out the rest of her life
2:08:44
hammering checks and smoking pot with
2:08:46
you all the sudden just turns
2:08:49
in this big rompcom superstar right
2:08:51
and leaves you in the door
2:08:53
and now you're broken up like
2:08:55
the only thing worse than hey
2:08:57
i see me on every fucking
2:08:59
poster i mean her her chances
2:09:01
when she left that 70s show
2:09:03
she had a good four or
2:09:05
five years of not a lot
2:09:07
of not not a lot going
2:09:09
on and nobody was looking at
2:09:11
her going she you know she's
2:09:13
gonna be the next you know
2:09:15
Jennifer Anniston pow it's probably like
2:09:17
how it is for my ex-boyfriends
2:09:20
finding out that I'm on this
2:09:22
podcast it's like they can't even
2:09:24
go to iTunes and click something
2:09:26
and then something and get to
2:09:28
something and something and something and
2:09:30
something and something without finding their
2:09:32
face In this movie? Yeah. Oh
2:09:34
friends with benefits. Yeah, but it
2:09:36
turns out I feel like that's
2:09:38
complicated It turns out that after
2:09:40
you know Right after after the
2:09:42
coitus. Here's a prediction one of
2:09:44
them starts dating and the other
2:09:46
one gets a little jealous But
2:09:48
anyway at the end he just
2:09:50
kills her puts her in a
2:09:53
wood shipper. Do you think that
2:09:55
this movie? Which is a murder
2:09:57
mystery? but not a mystery will
2:09:59
finally answer the age-old question can
2:10:01
men men and women just be
2:10:03
friends, but also have sex doesn't
2:10:05
work. It never works. Here's why
2:10:07
it doesn't work. One or the
2:10:09
other and 99% of the time
2:10:11
it's the female, but one or
2:10:13
the others won't go. You'll never
2:10:15
get the two. It's like... If
2:10:17
the two of them really didn't
2:10:19
care that much, they wouldn't have
2:10:21
sex. I think that's the thing.
2:10:24
Right, right. It's basically like this.
2:10:26
It's like taking two Israelis, putting
2:10:28
them together and selling an apartment.
2:10:30
One of them's going to be
2:10:32
pissed. There's no there's no there's
2:10:34
it's impossible for it's possible for
2:10:36
the two Israelis to walk away
2:10:38
and both go I'm brimming with
2:10:40
satisfaction right it's it's mathematically impossible
2:10:42
right it's it's not their blood
2:10:44
right right because base I think
2:10:46
what happens in that situation is
2:10:48
one of them says I don't
2:10:50
want anything I just want to
2:10:52
be friends and have sex and
2:10:54
have sex just want to be
2:10:57
with the guy right and they
2:10:59
realize if they tell the guy
2:11:01
uh... sorry i need more than
2:11:03
that then they won't be able
2:11:05
to be intimate with him so
2:11:07
they think if i could be
2:11:09
intimate with him and i can
2:11:11
be in his proximity he will
2:11:13
come around the movies are bullshit
2:11:15
when it's just you know me
2:11:17
laconis doesn't really want bullshit she
2:11:19
would immediately be into him i'm
2:11:21
sure they'll do some sort of
2:11:23
twist where he's into her but
2:11:25
believe me there will be that
2:11:28
scene where One of them is
2:11:30
going on a date where she's
2:11:32
going on date and he's gonna,
2:11:34
he says, I don't care and
2:11:36
then he follows her. Right. All
2:11:38
right, here we go. Where are
2:11:40
we? What's happening? Well, Riverside County
2:11:42
politician Jeff Stone is suggesting that
2:11:44
California secede from the state of
2:11:46
California make a new state called
2:11:48
South California because he's tired of
2:11:50
this bullshit that Sacramento was peddling.
2:11:52
All of California should secede. All
2:11:54
we do is pay in a
2:11:56
ton of fucking tax dollars. We
2:11:58
don't get anything in return and
2:12:01
we're just big earners and we
2:12:03
just fucking spread it, spread it
2:12:05
around. rest of the country so
2:12:07
they can build their bridges. Well
2:12:09
he feels that Riverside, Fresno, Imperial,
2:12:11
Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madeira, Mariposa, Mono,
2:12:13
Orange, San Bernardino, San Diego, and
2:12:15
two layer counties should separate and
2:12:17
the reason he is leaving Los
2:12:19
Angeles out of it is because
2:12:21
he says Los Angeles is purposefully
2:12:23
excluded because they have the same
2:12:25
liberal policies. By the way that's
2:12:27
all Antonio Cromardi, those are all
2:12:29
his kids. I think they're all
2:12:31
three. I know Kearns is three
2:12:34
and friends have a name one
2:12:36
more time. Yeah, Fresno, Imperial, Inyo,
2:12:38
Kern, Kings, Madeira, Mariposa, Mono, Orange,
2:12:40
San Bernardino, San Diego, and Tulare.
2:12:42
Now Mariposa is three. And Kearns,
2:12:44
well, they're all four. I think
2:12:46
they're all three. Yeah. Most of
2:12:48
them are three. I know Kearns
2:12:50
is three. Two layers of the
2:12:52
infant he had with his wife.
2:12:54
Yeah. Yeah, he needs that on
2:12:56
the cards. Yeah. Now, Los Angeles
2:12:58
has the same liberal policies the
2:13:00
Sacramento does. The last thing I
2:13:02
want to do is create a
2:13:05
state that's a carbon copy of
2:13:07
what we have now. Los Angeles
2:13:09
just enacted a ban on plastic
2:13:11
grocery bags that put three or
2:13:13
four manufacturers out of business, he
2:13:15
says. And then spokesman Gil Duran
2:13:17
says that this whole thing is
2:13:19
a supremely ridiculous waste of everyone's
2:13:21
time. If you want to live
2:13:23
in a Republican state with very
2:13:25
conservative right-wing laws, then there's a
2:13:27
place called Arizona. Yeah, man. And
2:13:29
he got served. Oh. And you
2:13:31
hear those stories coming out of
2:13:33
Arizona every day now, right? With
2:13:35
people just being snatched up that
2:13:38
are out eating ice cream with
2:13:40
their grandkids and being thrown into
2:13:42
Mexico. Yeah. By the thugs. Bugs
2:13:44
with Jackboots. Jackboots. Yeah. You in
2:13:46
Arizona, you leave your apartment without
2:13:48
your wallet just to go to
2:13:50
your car. To get something out
2:13:52
of it, you'd be snatched up
2:13:54
and thrown into Mexico. You're insane
2:13:56
to walk around. Yeah, yeah. It's
2:13:58
horrible. That being said, do you
2:14:00
really think there should be a
2:14:02
south? California State. Here's what I
2:14:04
know. First off, asking people to
2:14:06
show their ID to vote does
2:14:09
not make you a racist or
2:14:11
xenophobia or anything. You ask for
2:14:13
someone's ID for everything we do.
2:14:15
There's rarely anything you do, especially
2:14:17
voting. So asking for ID votes.
2:14:19
I don't. But asking for ID
2:14:21
for voting. when did that become
2:14:23
some sort of racially provoked or
2:14:25
driven policy? No one really have
2:14:27
a problem with that though? Yes,
2:14:29
that's shocking. Yes, there's a big
2:14:31
problem with that. The other problem
2:14:33
is if a cop pulls you
2:14:35
over, he's allowed to ask you
2:14:37
for your fucking ID. And there's
2:14:39
something called illegal immigration, which is
2:14:42
there's people in this country illegally.
2:14:44
And if it seems like maybe
2:14:46
you are and somebody asked you
2:14:48
for your ID and you can't
2:14:50
produce it. Then there's consequences to
2:14:52
that. I'm okay with the concept
2:14:54
of people leaving their house with
2:14:56
their ID. Of course if you're
2:14:58
walking your dog and you're in
2:15:00
your sweatpants you shouldn't be just
2:15:02
snatched up with a guy the
2:15:04
butterfly net and thrown south of
2:15:06
the border. Yes, but that doesn't
2:15:08
happen. That's just all this fucking
2:15:10
worst case scenario bullshit. I was
2:15:13
talking to one of my super
2:15:15
liberal Hollywood friends today about he's
2:15:17
a civilian. He's a civilian. He
2:15:19
was audited by the tax man
2:15:21
for like 2003 and 2007 and
2:15:23
He'd gone back and forth to
2:15:25
New York a lot and they
2:15:27
claimed he'd owed taxes from New
2:15:29
York and all this kind of
2:15:31
stuff and he wasn't audited in
2:15:33
2003 He was audited for 2003
2:15:35
and he was audited for like
2:15:37
2007 and they had records of
2:15:39
him going back and forth in
2:15:41
New York all the time and
2:15:43
I said Patriot act treating you
2:15:46
dick. You know what I mean?
2:15:48
All we do is bitch and
2:15:50
moan about the man and big
2:15:52
brother and the government. What do
2:15:54
I tell you? They want your
2:15:56
fucking money. You don't think the...
2:15:58
The government knows what you're doing.
2:16:00
They knew how often this guy
2:16:02
went back and forth to New
2:16:04
York. They knew how much money
2:16:06
he spent in New York from
2:16:08
2003. But we're worried about them
2:16:10
listening in on our cell phone
2:16:12
calls or intercepting one of our
2:16:14
taxes because we're so fucking special.
2:16:16
It's just narcissism. Look, the government
2:16:19
wants money. They want tax money.
2:16:21
They're not interested in taking hardworking
2:16:23
legal citizens that are brown-skinned and
2:16:25
grabbing them and throwing them into
2:16:27
Mexico. They don't. Every time someone
2:16:29
brings up something like this, whether
2:16:31
it was the Patriot Act ten
2:16:33
years ago, or whether it's this,
2:16:35
everyone makes a big fucking doomsday
2:16:37
proclamation. Oh my God, now people
2:16:39
won't be able to leave their
2:16:41
house and they'll be rounding up.
2:16:43
Where are all the stories at
2:16:45
Arizona? Give me all your Patriot
2:16:47
Act stories. Who's had their computer
2:16:50
confiscated? Go ahead. I'm all fucking
2:16:52
ears. You know who is interested
2:16:54
in your voicemails. Rupert Murdoch. Rupert
2:16:56
Murdoch News Corps. So News of
2:16:58
the world was like the huge
2:17:00
tabloid in England had been around
2:17:02
for 156 years and just got
2:17:04
shut down because it turned out
2:17:06
that reporters for news and it's
2:17:08
owned by Rupert Murdoch's one of
2:17:10
his companies. turns out that reporters
2:17:12
were breaking into people's voicemails and
2:17:14
hacking into their private files which
2:17:16
is like more illegal in England
2:17:18
than it is here and using
2:17:20
that to bolster their stories and
2:17:23
there was a school girl who
2:17:25
was killed and they hacked into
2:17:27
her phones and sort of got
2:17:29
in the way of a police
2:17:31
investigation so that shut down and
2:17:33
now it's turning out that it's
2:17:35
not just news of the world
2:17:37
who was hacking into various things
2:17:39
for their stories. to investigate it
2:17:41
was also some other newspapers so
2:17:43
people are wondering is Jupiter Murdoch
2:17:45
going to be able to recover
2:17:47
from this because who knows like
2:17:49
how far this goes this is
2:17:51
what I've been screaming about the
2:17:54
government listening in on your conversations,
2:17:56
your emails, your whatever, intercepting, your
2:17:58
whatever, to attempt to avoid another
2:18:00
9-11-ask terrorist attack is fine. That's
2:18:02
the government trying to do something.
2:18:04
T.M.Z. going through your garbage or
2:18:06
following people around or filming them
2:18:08
or filming their kids or filming
2:18:10
their house, how about all those...
2:18:12
tours that just tell you where
2:18:14
celebrities live and then there's all
2:18:16
these bus vans that just come
2:18:18
by the house. Hey, that's where
2:18:20
that there's where Madonna lives. So
2:18:22
if any of you want to
2:18:24
get drunk and hop the fence
2:18:27
later on with a fucking butcher
2:18:29
knife, have added. That's more invasive.
2:18:31
This whole part where everyone films
2:18:33
where you can't go on a
2:18:35
stage at a comedy club and
2:18:37
do a set. Without somebody filming
2:18:39
it with their cell phone and
2:18:41
then throwing it up on YouTube
2:18:43
and through landing it on TMC
2:18:45
and landing it on Perez Hilton
2:18:47
That's the part we need to
2:18:49
worry about right the part where
2:18:51
the government is trying to stop
2:18:53
a terrorist attack Really? Yeah, is
2:18:55
that the part that we'd like
2:18:58
them to knock off? The government
2:19:00
has they do three fucking things
2:19:02
that I like and one of
2:19:04
them is try to stop terrorists.
2:19:06
How about we leaving the fuck
2:19:08
alone? What are you gonna do?
2:19:10
What are you going to do?
2:19:12
relationship calls? Should we bring our
2:19:14
guest in and jump in with
2:19:16
that? Yeah. Was that our plan?
2:19:18
Well, yes, that's the news. I'm
2:19:20
Allison Rosenzippet, Kunt. That was the
2:19:22
news with Allison Rosen. Diane Hansen
2:19:24
is coming in. She's a writer.
2:19:26
I think she's an editor too.
2:19:28
She works for a tash and
2:19:31
they're an interesting, I hope I
2:19:33
pronounce that right, book company that
2:19:35
does all this, those big glorious
2:19:37
fat... big. I don't know how
2:19:39
they make money. Each book is
2:19:41
500 bucks and weighs a ton.
2:19:43
They got the big book of
2:19:45
brass. She did that 3D. Got
2:19:47
checked out a big penis book?
2:19:49
Yeah, they do. I want that.
2:19:51
Yeah. Yeah. Can I borrow your
2:19:53
copy? She's also worked as a
2:19:55
respiratory therapist. So if anyone goes
2:19:57
in the car. We got that
2:19:59
going for us. But edit over
2:20:01
50 different top-selling books. I got
2:20:04
to talk there. So she's going
2:20:06
to come in. We'll look at
2:20:08
some big boobies. And we'll jump
2:20:10
in on the... Answer your relationship
2:20:12
calls. I believe you have one
2:20:14
to start with. Yes, I have.
2:20:16
I have a relationship issue. All
2:20:18
right, quick break. Back right after
2:20:20
that. Yeah, before we get into
2:20:22
our guest and your relationship calls
2:20:24
and Alice and special relationship calls,
2:20:26
let me give a little love.
2:20:28
All right, where were we? Tashin.
2:20:30
Is it Tashin? Yeah, Tashin. Tashin.
2:20:32
What does that mean? Is that
2:20:35
a guy? Is that a guy's
2:20:37
name? Benedict Ashen, that's right. Our
2:20:39
boss, our beloved boss. My publicists
2:20:41
love these guys and they print
2:20:43
out all these just books that
2:20:45
weigh 25 pounds and they're absolutely
2:20:47
amazing. But I'm trying to figure
2:20:49
out what the business model is
2:20:51
for something like the big book
2:20:53
of penis. Like how many, I
2:20:55
guess you sold enough regular ones
2:20:57
to merit a 3D. The big
2:20:59
penis book has been my biggest
2:21:01
selling book ever for Tashon. How
2:21:03
many, how many, the world's obsessed
2:21:05
with penis? Well, the gays, how
2:21:08
many, not the women, even straight
2:21:10
guys, you walk into a store
2:21:12
where there's a big penis book,
2:21:14
the straight guy, his wife looks
2:21:16
out, she kind of giggles and
2:21:18
walks away, he's there turning every
2:21:20
page in agony. Is it pop
2:21:22
up? Absolutely. We talked about pop-up.
2:21:24
But the credit, there it is.
2:21:26
The gay guys are pulling out
2:21:28
the credit cards. The straight guy's
2:21:30
not buying it. He's thumbing through
2:21:32
it, but he's not making the
2:21:34
purchase. Now how many units would
2:21:36
you sell? There's about 400 units
2:21:39
in the book. Oh no, you
2:21:41
want to know how many we
2:21:43
sell. Sorry. I'm not supposed to
2:21:45
tell those things, but it's between
2:21:47
five and six figures. Like so
2:21:49
you mean so oh so but
2:21:51
a lot of books that's a
2:21:53
lot of books. It's a lot
2:21:55
of books right a lot of
2:21:57
books that penis is keeping me
2:21:59
in business so that is that
2:22:01
between one thousand and one hundred
2:22:03
thousand that is ten thousand and
2:22:05
one hundred thousand yeah yeah that's
2:22:07
like between fifty and a hundred
2:22:09
thousand yeah that's good for a
2:22:12
book that is got to be
2:22:14
65 bucks or something? 60 bucks?
2:22:16
Oh, 60 bucks is a bargain.
2:22:18
Look how many penises you get
2:22:20
in there. You get more penises
2:22:22
than the average guy is going
2:22:24
to see in his life. It's
2:22:26
like 89 cents a cock and
2:22:28
if you're going by the inch,
2:22:30
it's like pennies an inch. Yeah,
2:22:32
and the big book of boobs
2:22:34
and also the, I don't know
2:22:36
what this one is. Our publicity
2:22:38
guy makes me push these things.
2:22:40
This one, that one, La Petit
2:22:43
Mort is all women masturbating to
2:22:45
orgasm. Not the one in your
2:22:47
hands, the other one. That is
2:22:49
also doing very very well for
2:22:51
us. It has turned out to
2:22:53
be real popular with women who
2:22:55
like women. And now, would you
2:22:57
go out and... photograph any of
2:22:59
this or you're all just about
2:23:01
the construction of it? The only
2:23:03
thing that I'm involved in photographing
2:23:05
are the covers. We do those
2:23:07
covers actually in our office. This
2:23:09
guy for the penis, but I'm
2:23:11
sorry to bring so much penis
2:23:13
under your show. Because you're like
2:23:16
a manly show. I like cock
2:23:18
talk. But the penis guy, 11
2:23:20
inch dick. He comes into our
2:23:22
office and we're working four hours
2:23:24
for this guy to get it
2:23:26
up. He's chafing it. The guy's
2:23:28
getting the listers on there. He
2:23:30
can't, he's a little skinny guy.
2:23:32
He hasn't got enough blood in
2:23:34
his body to get that thing
2:23:36
hard long enough for us to
2:23:38
do the cover. Oh, you think
2:23:40
he was nervous? Was agony. We
2:23:42
had to leave him alone with
2:23:44
the photographer. How did you find
2:23:46
this guy? We put an ad
2:23:49
in the penny saver? It kind
2:23:51
of light headed. Yeah. We had
2:23:53
to have him almost lying down
2:23:55
to function. Yeah, the poor. guy.
2:23:57
So Tashin does all these, but
2:23:59
they're all... They're all big coffee
2:24:01
table size fun, interesting, sort of.
2:24:03
There's no novels or autobiographies or
2:24:05
anything. No, no, no, no. No,
2:24:07
we're for the modern age. We're
2:24:09
for the newly illiterate age. Yeah.
2:24:11
You know, we keep that writing
2:24:13
to a minimum. We got it
2:24:15
in three languages in there. So
2:24:17
if, you know, you speak German,
2:24:20
you speak French, you can all
2:24:22
buy the same book. We don't
2:24:24
have to print a lot of
2:24:26
different volumes. There's a universal language
2:24:28
called huge hanker. We all speak
2:24:30
that. And we certainly speak. Yeah,
2:24:32
big breasts. Everyone loves big breasts.
2:24:34
And what else do you have?
2:24:36
You have the boobs, you got
2:24:38
the penis. I did the big
2:24:40
butt book. I did the big
2:24:42
book of eggs. I didn't sell
2:24:44
quite as well. I got a
2:24:46
new one coming out very soon.
2:24:48
It's in production now. The final
2:24:50
one. You can probably. Very close
2:24:53
to the taint. Taint the taint.
2:24:55
The sack. It's, uh, no. The
2:24:57
anus. Gosh you guys are all
2:24:59
so close, but you're not getting
2:25:01
the great stinky place. Oh darn
2:25:03
pit the Pussy really yeah and
2:25:05
it's actually called Pussy because everyone's
2:25:07
why don't you call it vagina
2:25:09
because the vagina is inside you
2:25:11
know I do try to be
2:25:13
physiologically correct. It should actually be
2:25:15
the big book of vulva. But
2:25:17
who knows what a vulva is?
2:25:19
Sounds like a manual. Yeah you
2:25:21
get a vulva in Sweden you
2:25:24
drive and you drive and you're
2:25:26
driving it. Yeah where do you
2:25:28
keep the scisser. You're doing the
2:25:30
Lord's work, I must say. Would
2:25:32
you like to jump in on
2:25:34
some relationship calls with us? Oh,
2:25:36
absolutely. I've got opinions on everything.
2:25:38
Oh, you do? Okay, good. I
2:25:40
think First, Allison has. Yeah, I
2:25:42
have an issue, which I'm already
2:25:44
questioning whether I should even bring
2:25:46
it up, but I'm going to
2:25:48
anyway, even though it's embarrassing, and
2:25:50
if anyone is attracted to me,
2:25:52
they will no longer be, including
2:25:54
the guy that I... So I'm
2:25:57
dating someone, so I'm dating someone,
2:25:59
dating someone, it's finally happened. Okay,
2:26:01
so the most mortifying thing, which
2:26:03
could happen in the early
2:26:05
stages of a relationship, happened,
2:26:07
which is that- Queef? No,
2:26:10
please, please. Toil it clogging. Oh,
2:26:12
are you kidding? Just like that
2:26:14
video. That was so awful. No,
2:26:16
you're at his place? Yes.
2:26:18
And you dropped the dude?
2:26:21
So we're talking tampine here,
2:26:23
or perhaps both. Let's just
2:26:25
say a tampon was involved.
2:26:27
Really? Yeah. But okay, okay,
2:26:29
here's the saving grace. The
2:26:31
only thing visible was toilet
2:26:33
paper and clean water. Clean
2:26:36
water. Yeah, so it... You're at
2:26:38
his place. Yeah, it looked like...
2:26:40
And plus he had just bought
2:26:42
ultra-toilate paper, so I'm saying, I'm
2:26:44
blaming it on the fact that
2:26:46
it's like, those are like rags
2:26:48
you're trying to stuff down. And
2:26:50
I'm not saying whether there was
2:26:52
anything else stuffing down there. Turned
2:26:55
out to be okay, however, here's
2:26:57
my thing. At what point is
2:26:59
it acceptable to have bodily functions?
2:27:01
And also he claims his feelings
2:27:03
about me have not changed, but
2:27:05
I just want to know how
2:27:07
would I know if they have
2:27:09
a feminine hygiene commercial. commercial question
2:27:12
or just question. What is the
2:27:14
Maxi pad protocol when it's time
2:27:16
to dispatch? Don't use them. I
2:27:18
was just going to say don't
2:27:20
date women who wear Maxi pads. Maxi
2:27:23
pads are... Oh, is that a weird
2:27:25
thing? Is that the equivalent to
2:27:27
the Fanny Pack for a dude?
2:27:29
The Maxi pad is like for
2:27:32
incontinence. Yeah, really. Oh, it's not good.
2:27:34
No, no, no one is going to have
2:27:36
something that size between her leg.
2:27:38
Even for like... light days in
2:27:40
for spotting. That's not a Maxi
2:27:42
pad. Well that's a panty liner. The panty
2:27:45
liner is a lot different story. Don't
2:27:47
even start with the Maxi pad.
2:27:49
All right. But the sanitary nap. By
2:27:51
the way I still got to see
2:27:53
my favorite commercial where Jones yet and
2:27:55
the other Rebels go attack the wall
2:27:58
with their Maxi pad. They're rebels. with
2:28:00
their period. I love that. Okay,
2:28:02
so toilet overflows. It didn't, I
2:28:04
mean, it just filled up in
2:28:06
the bowl. Doesn't make it to
2:28:08
the floor. Thank God, it did
2:28:10
not. No, and then he went
2:28:12
out to buy a plunger. Go
2:28:15
out and buy a plunger. I
2:28:17
didn't know about it? Wait, wait
2:28:19
a minute. I had to. I
2:28:21
would have been down there pulling
2:28:23
it out, throwing it out the
2:28:25
window. You know, you don't let
2:28:27
him know. Wow. Wow. I like
2:28:29
that. Yeah. I consider that. I
2:28:31
actually, I'll tell you what, I
2:28:33
had my own story like this
2:28:35
one. Please, let's hear it. I
2:28:38
was at a boyfriend's parents house,
2:28:40
right? Taking me down to meet
2:28:42
the parents. They had a low
2:28:44
flow toilet. This was in a
2:28:46
retirement community in New Jersey. I
2:28:48
couldn't get that floater going down.
2:28:50
It was not going to go
2:28:52
down. I flushed like four times.
2:28:54
So I just like wackamole. I
2:28:56
just, I just got. I got
2:28:59
your hand on it. Got some
2:29:01
toilet paper? Grab that thing, open
2:29:03
the window, threw it out. They
2:29:05
were on the first floor, unfortunately
2:29:07
it was lying there on their
2:29:09
side lawn. Wow! Oh my God!
2:29:11
You want like a bear going
2:29:13
after a salmon. Put that big
2:29:15
paw on there, grab it, swive
2:29:17
right out the window. I could
2:29:20
walk out and leave that floater
2:29:22
in there. I like the cut
2:29:24
of your gym. See, when I
2:29:26
heard that story, that would be
2:29:28
marriage material. By the way, let's.
2:29:30
Cotex's YouTube sensation about all the
2:29:32
rebel chicks and I always love
2:29:34
the I love the television version
2:29:36
of the rebel chicks like a
2:29:38
little too much mascara but not
2:29:41
really tattoo-covered horse who would cut
2:29:43
you look at her Yeah, that's
2:29:45
your mom's maxi pad. I mean
2:29:47
tampon. She's gonna do something about
2:29:49
that. On TV, when big rubble
2:29:51
girls have rebellious thoughts, they bite
2:29:53
their lip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
2:29:55
I like all the girls running
2:29:57
at her. They're just hiding in
2:29:59
the shrub with A-frame ladders and
2:30:01
a lot of primer. There you
2:30:04
go. with a new look of
2:30:06
you by Cotex, great protection has
2:30:08
never looked better. Wait a minute
2:30:10
and they all have a united
2:30:12
attitude towards feminine protection. The catch
2:30:14
phrase that great protection has never
2:30:16
looked better is really fucking bizarre
2:30:18
to me. Isn't that something you
2:30:20
just keep buried deep in your
2:30:22
purse and it's not? Yeah, it's
2:30:25
not a status symbol. You wouldn't
2:30:27
use it as a coaster on
2:30:29
a date, would you? Like what
2:30:31
the fuck? All right, anyway. So
2:30:33
where were we? Oh, so the
2:30:35
toilet overflows or it's closed overflowing.
2:30:37
It backs up and then I,
2:30:39
you know, I like flush and
2:30:41
it kind of like, it's obviously
2:30:43
not, things are not flushing and
2:30:46
plumbing as, it's not plumbing as
2:30:48
usual. They call it pulling the
2:30:50
cork, you know what I mean?
2:30:52
I'm just saying, corks don't, you
2:30:54
know, they bob. So you drop
2:30:56
the deuce. And he dropped the
2:30:58
tampon. That's two separate flushes. And
2:31:00
he has to go buy the
2:31:02
plunger. He didn't have a plunger.
2:31:04
What kind of dude is this?
2:31:06
Who doesn't have a plunger? Is
2:31:09
it an apartment? Yeah. He's gay.
2:31:11
Another winner. How old is he?
2:31:13
He's about to be 38. In
2:31:15
apartment, huh? Looking good. Is that
2:31:17
so bad? That's so bad. One
2:31:19
car parking or two spaces? Does
2:31:21
he have a space for you?
2:31:23
In his parking spot is there
2:31:25
shag carpet duct tape around the
2:31:27
pole? That's not a good sign.
2:31:30
All right. I'm saying... I've never
2:31:32
thought to judge someone on the
2:31:34
app. I'm just happy that he
2:31:36
doesn't have roommates. You're a decent
2:31:38
woman. You must come from their
2:31:40
mates. Rent control? Do they have
2:31:42
that out here? Yeah, they will
2:31:44
in Santa Monica. I don't I
2:31:46
don't think so. Allison lives at
2:31:48
home with their parents. Oh, so
2:31:51
you got a scale back. Yeah,
2:31:53
but there's many. It's just a
2:31:55
quantum leap forward for you. All
2:31:57
right, I like this guy, but
2:31:59
the idea he should have had
2:32:01
a plan chair. Wait, but then
2:32:03
he does. Maybe he never dated
2:32:05
someone who offloaded like you in
2:32:07
the past, you know? In defense
2:32:09
of the fact that I do
2:32:12
live at home with my parents,
2:32:14
that was not my plan. I
2:32:16
moved out. I moved out here
2:32:18
from New York. I moved out
2:32:20
here from New York. Ask anyone
2:32:22
on death row. Is this part
2:32:24
of your plan when you're in?
2:32:26
No, I was going to be
2:32:28
an NFL player. Death row, skid
2:32:30
row, any row? Any row? Is
2:32:32
that murders row? I'm looking for
2:32:35
an apartment and I found one.
2:32:37
The only problem is a sex
2:32:39
offender lives upstairs, according to the
2:32:41
registry. And you can't find an
2:32:43
apartment of the toilet big enough
2:32:45
to hold you. Let's take some
2:32:47
relationship calls. Let's take some relationship
2:32:49
calls. Let's, uh, I'm just going
2:32:51
to hop to the top, talk
2:32:53
to, uh, why I always have
2:32:56
to, why does that never work?
2:32:58
Is that phone fire, is that
2:33:00
phone line hooked up? Yeah, Jesus.
2:33:02
Press the bottom one, see what
2:33:04
happens. All right. So he's only
2:33:06
had one girl. I've done the
2:33:08
first, I've done the first one
2:33:10
a bunch of times. Huh? All
2:33:12
right, now it's ready to go.
2:33:14
The second one is probably your
2:33:17
boyfriend on here. He's worried about
2:33:19
moving in with you. Ian? Yeah,
2:33:21
that's me. I guess phone line's
2:33:23
not lighting up. Usually he lights
2:33:25
up. What's going on Ian? 19
2:33:27
from Ohio? Yeah? Not much. It's
2:33:29
sitting here watching a show. Thanks,
2:33:31
buddy. What do you think? Oh,
2:33:33
it's great. Glad, glad you, you
2:33:35
get it on ustream? Yeah, I'm
2:33:38
watching on ustream. All right. You
2:33:40
want to see a big picture
2:33:42
of a big cock? Not interested.
2:33:44
Brian's camera not not not interested
2:33:46
really all right all right let's
2:33:48
just see he may not be
2:33:50
certain if there's one girlfriend there's
2:33:52
Duke there's much bigger ones in
2:33:54
there all right all right so
2:33:56
what's your question what's your question
2:33:58
in well I've only had one
2:34:01
girlfriend and that was way back
2:34:03
in the sixth grade anyways so
2:34:05
I was wondering you know how
2:34:07
can I you know grab more
2:34:09
women? Or at least get them
2:34:11
interested. Maybe changing your language. What
2:34:13
do you do for living, Ian?
2:34:15
I'm a waiter at some moment.
2:34:17
I have found a couple of
2:34:19
things. You know, in real estate,
2:34:22
they always do that location, location,
2:34:24
location. I used to be an
2:34:26
attractive guy. I was in good
2:34:28
shape. I was single and ready
2:34:30
to mingle, but I was a
2:34:32
construction worker. And that meant I
2:34:34
worked with a bunch of Mexicans
2:34:36
in Simi Valley, and there was
2:34:38
never woman anywhere. The closest I
2:34:40
ever got to a woman was
2:34:43
the chick who cooked on the
2:34:45
lunch truck. Women cross the street
2:34:47
when they see a construction site.
2:34:49
Yes. My assistant Jay, he works
2:34:51
at a bar, you know, like
2:34:53
a sports bar, like down, you
2:34:55
know, by the strand at Huntington
2:34:57
Beach or Manhattan Beach, and not
2:34:59
only are there tons of drunken
2:35:01
chicks just pouring in and out
2:35:04
of the place, but every fucking
2:35:06
other waitress in the place is
2:35:08
just another drunken chick who showed
2:35:10
up for six months. It's a
2:35:12
constant revolving door of hot chicks.
2:35:14
So you got your pick of
2:35:16
the litter. Now it doesn't mean
2:35:18
you're going to be Don Juan,
2:35:20
but at least you're in a
2:35:22
place where there's a constant stream
2:35:24
of women coming in to get
2:35:27
drunk and then hanging back after
2:35:29
work and doing shots with other
2:35:31
people who work there. So first
2:35:33
thing I would tell a dude
2:35:35
who's interested in getting late is
2:35:37
get a job, go to a
2:35:39
place where you'll go down to
2:35:41
Manhattan Beach and get a job
2:35:43
bartending. I mean you can... You
2:35:45
would have trouble not getting late
2:35:48
if that was your gig. Ask
2:35:50
him what kind of bar, he,
2:35:52
or restaurant he, uh, serves him.
2:35:54
Hey Ian! What kind of restaurant
2:35:56
do you, yeah, what kind of
2:35:58
restaurant do you serve at? I
2:36:00
work at a barbecue restaurant. Oh,
2:36:02
bad town. Barbecue, that's family. And
2:36:04
big house. A lot of heavy
2:36:06
set men of color coming in
2:36:09
there. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I
2:36:11
am now, I'm saying this to
2:36:13
every dude. out there who wants
2:36:15
to get laid go to a
2:36:17
place where there are women and
2:36:19
if there's booze being served there
2:36:21
even better I mean how how
2:36:23
reality show Yeah, I mean seriously
2:36:25
I learned all this from Dr.
2:36:27
Drew No, I worked I worked
2:36:30
with a bunch of construction guys
2:36:32
that were like good-looking strapping dudes
2:36:34
But we were all just hanging
2:36:36
out together versus sitting around pouring
2:36:38
shots for chicks and by the
2:36:40
way when six three of them
2:36:42
come in and you're the only
2:36:44
dude who's bartaining They're trying to
2:36:46
get your attention all the time
2:36:48
and it's all built in and
2:36:50
they're getting loopy and they have
2:36:53
to write it right a beach
2:36:55
cruiser back to their friends apartment.
2:36:57
I mean it's fucking Yeah, Ian,
2:36:59
get a job somewhere. How's the
2:37:01
barbecue though? Oh, it's great. Kansas
2:37:03
City style or they go with
2:37:05
the dry rub? No, it's actually,
2:37:07
it's great silence we make herself.
2:37:09
Hmm. Yeah. The thing is, um,
2:37:11
I can actually get laid. There
2:37:14
are female waitresses there. Oh, well,
2:37:16
there you go. See, that's up
2:37:18
to staff. Look if you'd like
2:37:20
to cultivate a relationship if you're
2:37:22
having sex with somebody Usually you
2:37:24
can cultivate a relationship from that
2:37:26
the sex is the hard part
2:37:28
All right hang up on this
2:37:30
person. I'm going to Jake Jake.
2:37:32
Hey, what's going on Jake? I'm
2:37:35
not too much. I just have
2:37:37
a girl that's gonna maybe with
2:37:39
me in about a month and
2:37:41
a half and I don't know.
2:37:43
I kind of want to back
2:37:45
out of it now because she's
2:37:47
been acting weird lately. I don't
2:37:49
know if it's just me being
2:37:51
over sensitive to things or if
2:37:53
it's actually a warning sign. Phone
2:37:55
dropped out. She's moving in with
2:37:58
you? Yeah. In a month and
2:38:00
a half? About a month and
2:38:02
a half. Beginning of September. I
2:38:04
don't know if she would answer.
2:38:06
the same way. Yeah she probably
2:38:08
wouldn't. How old is she? She's
2:38:10
20. Oh she's 20. Yeah. Sounds
2:38:12
like she could be perfect for
2:38:14
eating. Yeah. She like barbecue? I
2:38:16
have a man grate. She enjoys
2:38:19
the meat cooked on that. How
2:38:21
about a uncut hot link with
2:38:23
extra sauce? Here's the thing. Living
2:38:25
together in your 20s never fucking
2:38:27
works. It never works. It's ironic.
2:38:29
I think I could live with
2:38:31
a 20-year-old chick now because I
2:38:33
have enough square footage and enough
2:38:35
TV sets. When you're living on
2:38:37
top of each other in that
2:38:40
shitty little apartment and you're both
2:38:42
super immature, it just doesn't. It
2:38:44
only one toilet and you have
2:38:46
the porcelain wreckers in town. She's
2:38:48
going to destroy that place. And
2:38:50
in this corner. I would like
2:38:52
to die now. Jake, I would
2:38:54
not, here's my thing, I wouldn't
2:38:56
move in, and I'm gonna sound
2:38:58
old-fashioned here, but it's just sort
2:39:01
of based on experienced trial and
2:39:03
error. I would move in with
2:39:05
someone when I got engaged. If
2:39:07
you're moving in with them because
2:39:09
she's lost her lease or her
2:39:11
roommate moved out, if it's one
2:39:13
of those things where I'm only
2:39:15
moving in with them because I
2:39:17
have to move in with them
2:39:19
because that's not a great plan
2:39:21
and there's really no good that
2:39:24
can come from this. You'll never
2:39:26
get any closer. It's only going
2:39:28
to fall apart. So if you
2:39:30
value this relationship. I would say
2:39:32
don't move in together and really
2:39:34
only do it when it's sort
2:39:36
of a stepping stone to marriage
2:39:38
or at least engagement. Okay Jake?
2:39:40
All right, sounds good. And follow
2:39:42
your instinct. If there's a little
2:39:45
birdie that's telling you, maybe I
2:39:47
shouldn't do it, it probably, it
2:39:49
shouldn't be a little bird, it
2:39:51
should be a pelican that's screaming,
2:39:53
don't do it. Can I ask,
2:39:55
you said that she's been acting
2:39:57
weird lately, what do you mean?
2:39:59
She just, we'll get, well these
2:40:01
situations where we'll get really close
2:40:03
and she'll open up about stuff
2:40:06
and then she'll just kind of
2:40:08
shut down for a few days
2:40:10
and I don't really hear from
2:40:12
her. She's 20 and this is
2:40:14
kind of the problem and you
2:40:16
just, first piece of news, do
2:40:18
not get her pregnant. Because you
2:40:20
get a pregnant and now you're
2:40:22
in with somebody... I either had
2:40:24
a life out of my... I
2:40:27
come on the tits, so... Thank
2:40:29
you. Thank you. Even if it's
2:40:31
not hers, any pair will do.
2:40:33
You know, that could be one
2:40:35
of the reasons she's acting a
2:40:37
little weird though, if you only
2:40:39
come on her tits. Could be
2:40:41
your next book. I just graduated
2:40:43
college three weeks ago and it
2:40:45
kind of went sour. That's just...
2:40:47
Don't talk about kids in regards
2:40:50
to this. Oh, okay. Hey Dustin?
2:40:52
Hi, how you doing Adam? What's
2:40:54
going on Dustin? Hey everybody, thanks
2:40:56
for having me. I just got
2:40:58
out of a five-year relationship. I
2:41:00
just graduated college three weeks ago
2:41:02
and it kind of went sour.
2:41:04
It was sort of an up
2:41:06
and down relationship to begin with.
2:41:08
Yeah, it was. to have a
2:41:11
mutual break-up, you know, we thought
2:41:13
we'd be adults about it. Up
2:41:15
and down, yeah. Yeah, mutual, we
2:41:17
have a five-year relationship, yeah. And
2:41:19
she, in the past weeks, has
2:41:21
started portraying me as an abusive
2:41:23
boyfriend. Yeah, she did. Wow. Quick
2:41:25
backhandl, straighten that, eh? Portraying you
2:41:27
to who? I certainly may have
2:41:29
been an asshole, but I'm certainly
2:41:32
not that, but, you know, her
2:41:34
family won't talk to me and
2:41:36
her friends and everything, but... Should
2:41:38
I care? No, look, you guys
2:41:40
have been again for a long
2:41:42
time, you break up, right? Right.
2:41:44
Move on. It's just moving on
2:41:46
time. Yeah. Nobody, I wish, I've
2:41:48
said this once before, and this
2:41:50
is why I'm going to be
2:41:53
a good dad, and why I
2:41:55
wish somebody would have pulled me
2:41:57
aside when I was like 24.
2:41:59
26 or 22 and go listen
2:42:01
You're gonna have another girlfriend and then
2:42:03
you'll have another one after this and
2:42:05
you'll have a fight and then they'll
2:42:07
be crying and there'll be some screaming
2:42:10
and then you'll have another one and
2:42:12
at some point You'll get married when
2:42:14
you're 35, but shit kid. You're 23
2:42:16
like what are you? Don't even get
2:42:18
up in your head about it. Just
2:42:20
move on. Never listen. No one's ever
2:42:22
said that. No one will ever tell
2:42:24
you that. I would hope that I
2:42:27
would tell my kid that. Not that
2:42:29
he's going to listen, but it just
2:42:31
mean this idea. We all know what
2:42:33
we're like when you're 21, 22, 23.
2:42:35
It's like you're not equipped for this
2:42:37
shit. You're a mess emotionally. So you
2:42:39
guys have been together, you're broken up,
2:42:42
she's talking shit, move on. Highera
2:42:44
ground, you know. Keep your
2:42:46
be the bigger man about
2:42:48
this. Yes. All right. Let's
2:42:50
do let's do one more
2:42:53
call here. Let's speak to
2:42:55
the guy with a foot
2:42:57
fetish girlfriend. Do you see
2:42:59
anything on line one Diane
2:43:01
that guy? He hung up. He
2:43:04
hung up. He hung up. He
2:43:06
hung up. I kind of feel
2:43:08
like an idiot after that
2:43:10
last guy called, because I
2:43:12
almost have the exact same
2:43:14
problem. That's all right. We had
2:43:16
a guy that had the foot
2:43:18
fetish drop out, so we'll talk
2:43:20
to you. Oh, I just got
2:43:22
a three-year relationship. I'm 21 years
2:43:25
old. And she just like recently
2:43:27
started calling me back. She's
2:43:29
like, you know, kind of
2:43:31
wanted to get back together.
2:43:34
Big Duke in the town.
2:43:36
She couldn't stop throwing up.
2:43:38
No, she's like 19 years
2:43:41
old and she's kind of
2:43:43
immature. And she's 19 now?
2:43:45
She's 19 now? And the
2:43:47
schedule is just in match
2:43:49
up lately. Can't judge. It
2:43:52
became a mess. Hey, John, okay,
2:43:54
here's why this is a good
2:43:56
thing. Every guy, and for that
2:43:58
matter, every... girl. Before you
2:44:01
get married you really should have
2:44:03
a number of relationships just so
2:44:05
you go all right I know
2:44:07
I'm it's it's it's it's sort
2:44:09
of analogous to test driving a
2:44:11
car go out kick some tires
2:44:13
try out see what it feels
2:44:15
like compare the Toyota's to the
2:44:17
accuracy and figure out what you
2:44:19
want and then when you settle
2:44:21
and when you make a decision
2:44:23
you go you know what this
2:44:25
is based on something it's not
2:44:27
someone I met in the 10th
2:44:29
grade and now we're together and
2:44:31
I constantly have to keep thinking
2:44:33
to myself is this my soulmate
2:44:35
and if so why was she
2:44:37
sitting behind me in a small
2:44:39
Catholic high school in Ithaca in
2:44:41
my geometry class you know so
2:44:43
have those relationships get out there
2:44:45
and also be single for a
2:44:47
while like and not only just
2:44:49
be single be alone for a
2:44:51
while just take six months and
2:44:53
just be yourself get the big
2:44:55
book of penises or boobies do
2:44:57
a little 3D beaten off they're
2:44:59
nicely laminated pages no worry you
2:45:01
throw this thing right in the
2:45:03
dishwasher when you're done dishwasher safe
2:45:05
and uh hamper friendly dishwasher safe.
2:45:07
Yeah, just don't try to flush
2:45:09
down the toilet. No, no, Allison,
2:45:12
no, no, no, the point is
2:45:14
is, could someone go to the
2:45:16
bathroom with me next time and
2:45:18
talk me through it? Everybody should.
2:45:20
Everybody, well Dan will show you
2:45:22
what to do. She carries a
2:45:24
wrist rocket with her in case
2:45:26
she has a solid DM. She
2:45:28
just fires that shit at the
2:45:30
lowest flying airplane and comes by.
2:45:32
If people can pick up dog
2:45:34
shit with nothing but a thin
2:45:36
plastic bag between their hand and
2:45:38
warm dog shit, you can pick
2:45:40
up your own shit out of
2:45:42
the toys and throw it out
2:45:44
the window. I have kicked more
2:45:46
dog shit than I picked it
2:45:48
up. I've used leaves like, yeah,
2:45:50
I mean, come on. Yeah, why
2:45:52
can't you pick up your own
2:45:54
shit? That's right. Don't pick up
2:45:56
after myself, I guess. Hey, listen,
2:45:58
Diane, forget about the big book
2:46:00
of Cox and Titz, you need
2:46:02
one on etiquette. You're the next
2:46:04
Halloween. So why are we saying
2:46:06
you should only flesh urine? No!
2:46:08
No, all we're saying is, you
2:46:10
know... Avoid those embarrassing situations at
2:46:12
all cost. If you have to
2:46:14
go straight into the toilet and
2:46:16
get it out of there before
2:46:18
you let the guy know what
2:46:20
you've done to his toilet. Because
2:46:23
then he's going to come in
2:46:25
and come face to face with
2:46:27
your shit and you really need
2:46:29
to wait till you've got like
2:46:31
six months together. That's what I'm
2:46:33
saying. He didn't see the shit.
2:46:35
Thank God. The grace of God.
2:46:37
No, I think until he listens
2:46:39
to this. He actually thinks it
2:46:41
was just... bad toilet. And it
2:46:43
was. How much toilet paper do
2:46:45
you have to use on a
2:46:47
multivitamin? You know what I mean?
2:46:49
You know what? He's going to
2:46:51
be glad that you're regular. When
2:46:53
you move further up along so
2:46:55
many women are constipating. Guys have
2:46:57
to hear about women being constipated
2:46:59
all the time. Men want a
2:47:01
woman who can get it out
2:47:03
there and walk away. I mean
2:47:05
for me it's great that I
2:47:07
feel comfortable enough to use his
2:47:09
bathroom but it's also not great
2:47:11
in a kind of woman who
2:47:13
can shit. and then just you
2:47:15
know grab it with a napkin
2:47:17
and toss it out the window
2:47:19
at you know the closest retirement
2:47:21
villa and just move on. And
2:47:23
again I'm not I'm not joking
2:47:25
about my etiquette book like salad
2:47:27
fork no elbows on the table
2:47:29
and always use two-ply when you're
2:47:31
throwing shit out the window. and
2:47:34
be sure to wash, use the
2:47:36
guest tell afterwards. And open the
2:47:38
screen for god's sake. I have
2:47:40
those little molded soaps, that's what
2:47:42
they're there for, right? I have
2:47:44
gone in with the toilet paper
2:47:46
to get the hash mark off
2:47:48
the toilet that has been braided,
2:47:50
because that's a telltale, that's what
2:47:52
you call a tell, right there.
2:47:54
I'll do it. And the show
2:47:56
has reached a new low. Is
2:47:58
this guy been satisfied, however here?
2:48:00
He's satisfied, John should not get
2:48:02
back back together. You should rarely
2:48:04
get back. Look, if you have
2:48:06
kids, that's one thing. You know,
2:48:08
I'm talking about getting... back together.
2:48:10
If you have kids, get back
2:48:12
together. If you're in your 30s,
2:48:14
think about getting back together. When
2:48:16
you're 19, 20, 22, and you
2:48:18
break up, you break up for
2:48:20
a reason, move on, have a
2:48:22
new relationship. All right, I can't
2:48:24
talk about Dooky anymore. I feel
2:48:26
like we ought to just put
2:48:28
a pin in this show. I
2:48:30
am never going to get tired
2:48:32
of this. I feel like we're
2:48:34
done. Diane Hansen. The big book
2:48:36
of breast and penises and that
2:48:38
masturbation book. There's a big ass
2:48:40
book. You can go on. Oh
2:48:43
yeah, there they are. Look at
2:48:45
them. You can go to Amazon?
2:48:47
Every big thing you want. I've
2:48:49
done it. You can go to
2:48:51
amazon.com and yeah, well we can
2:48:53
go to Amazon to go click
2:48:55
through our website. There we go
2:48:57
back up and running. Go to
2:48:59
adaprola.com and go to Amazon. It's
2:49:01
a nice coffee table book and
2:49:03
a conversation piece. And also, where
2:49:05
can people find you? They can
2:49:07
go to tassion.com. That's the website.
2:49:09
t-a-s-c-e-n.com. Thank you. You've been at
2:49:11
Delight. I love all the pup
2:49:13
talk. Then we'll spin that off
2:49:15
into its own podcast. Pup talk,
2:49:17
but then I enhance it. All
2:49:19
right, so. Should I should be
2:49:21
involved in that bottle of wine
2:49:23
before I drove over here. And
2:49:25
till next time. This is Adam
2:49:27
Corolla for a bald Brian, Diane
2:49:29
Hansen, and the brown city
2:49:32
to strike.
2:49:34
Allison Rosen,
2:49:36
saying mahalo.
2:49:39
I like
2:49:41
cock talk.
2:50:02
You
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