Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

Released Sunday, 27th April 2025
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Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

Andrew Breitbart + Dian Hanson (Carolla Classics)

Sunday, 27th April 2025
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0:00

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the same premium wireless for

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I'm told it's super easy to

0:45

do at mintmobile.com. Welcome

1:02

to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, super

1:04

fan Giovanni. This is the podcast with

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the Best Moments highlights and fans like

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clips from all 16 years of the

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find ad-free archives for the Adam krolla-at-at-sack.com.com.

1:27

Now note on that, we cannot play

1:30

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1:32

X, Adam Kroll, a morning show, unless it first

1:34

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1:38

with, like the Ann Coulter hang-up, some famous Loveline

1:41

moments, Holocaust call, a couple other things, but for

1:43

the most part... That stuff can ever be played

1:45

with clips on classics. If you'd like to hear

1:47

any of that stuff around any other questions, please

1:49

find me at patriam.com/Giovanni. That's where I handle all

1:52

those other questions for shows and things that can't

1:54

be put in the speed. All right, let's get

1:56

to the clips. Come up first, we have Adam.

1:58

Corolla Show 565, Andrew

2:00

Breitbart, James Blunt, 2011. Check

2:03

it out. James

2:07

Blunt, and now, sending a message

2:09

to the fat cats in Washington,

2:11

Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on.

2:13

Got to get it on no

2:15

choice, but to get it on

2:17

mandate. Get it on. Thank you

2:19

all. Thank you for listening. Doing

2:21

a little one -on -one with James

2:23

Blunt, Andrew Breitbart today. First, my

2:25

damn channel. These guys are doing

2:27

what we do. My buddy Rob

2:30

started his own channel, got escanned

2:32

from CBS Radio about a year

2:34

before I did, probably because he

2:36

hired me. And he said, I'm

2:38

not going back to work for

2:40

VH1 or MTV. I'm starting my

2:42

own channel. My damn channel.com delivers

2:44

the best original comedy online. They

2:46

got big talent, none of the

2:48

Hollywood bullshit. They don't get in

2:50

front of the artists and stop

2:52

them from being great. I was,

2:54

Andrew, I was saying that to

2:56

somebody today. I said, actually, I

2:58

was saying it last night. I

3:00

was talking to Dr. Drew. I

3:02

said, my book, my independent movie,

3:04

my live shows and my podcast

3:06

are what people seem to like

3:08

for me the most. And what

3:10

is the common thread in all

3:12

those things? Independence? Yes, nobody's standing

3:14

around going, you know what? I'd

3:16

like to micromanage what you're thinking.

3:18

That's my business model, too. When

3:20

the second I get around somebody

3:22

that tells me how to do

3:24

it, I'm not me anymore. I

3:26

will listen to smart people and

3:28

their opinions. The problem is most

3:30

aren't, and they're not opinions. They

3:33

force them up your took guy.

3:35

My damn channel's got a new

3:37

series. See, like the bounce back

3:39

and forth between the guest and

3:41

the actual commercial. Well, it's not

3:43

a commercial. I use the product,

3:45

too. It's a friend. That's right.

3:47

My damn channel. They got a

3:49

new series called Versailles. It's ours

3:51

Patricia Heaton, David Hunt. He's Paddy's

3:53

husband, actually. Fred Willard and William

3:55

H. Macy. Not bad. I've seen

3:57

it. It's bad. bad. Yeah. Very

3:59

dark. very twisted. Lots of clips,

4:01

lots of riffs, lots of really

4:03

cool stuff. I've been watching it

4:05

online and enjoying the hell out

4:07

of it. Go to MyDamnChannel.com now

4:10

and find them on Twitter, Facebook,

4:12

and YouTube. So, Andrew, I was

4:14

just enjoying you on real time

4:16

just a couple days ago, I guess

4:18

it was. Yeah, with John Waters, one

4:20

of my heroes, a hero I'm not

4:22

supposed to have. You know what's weird? I

4:25

didn't know that much about,

4:28

well, let's...you and I agree on

4:30

a lot of issues, but I

4:32

don't know if John Waters is

4:34

one of them. I have read, what's

4:37

this book? Cracked? Crackpot. Crackpot. I

4:39

read that, thought it was amusing,

4:41

except for I was like 23.

4:43

I think he's an interesting guy.

4:45

I think his movies suck. Yeah,

4:47

Crackpot, The Obsessions. Yeah,

4:49

his movies suck or not. No,

4:51

I think Pecker and Serial Mom

4:53

is one of the best comedies

4:55

I've ever seen. Really? Oh, it's

4:57

brilliant. You ever see Defending Your

4:59

Life? Yeah, yeah, with Albert Brooks.

5:02

You're not going to say Serial

5:04

Mom is better than Defending Your

5:06

Life. was sublime. It was unbelievably

5:08

good. And Pecker is fantastic. It's

5:10

the origin of the term teabagging

5:12

into the common vernacular. Well, I

5:14

get to see my feeling with

5:16

him is he's not funny and

5:18

thus he's kitschy. When I see a guy

5:21

who's kitschy, I see a guy who's

5:23

not funny, who puts on something. Oh,

5:25

my God, I couldn't disagree with you

5:27

more. Don't you think it has more

5:29

horrible movies than good movies? Well, I

5:31

don't think Multiple Maniacs was meant to

5:33

be good cinema. I think it was

5:35

meant, here's what was so great about

5:37

his movies as a conservative, is that

5:39

he knew what the

5:41

fine line was in Decent Society

5:43

in the 1950s and people like

5:45

to kind of walk that fine

5:47

line and see maybe tap their

5:49

toe over that fine line. His

5:51

movies recognized that there was a

5:53

fine line and then he went

5:55

a thousand miles over it and

5:58

did the most repulsive, gross things.

6:00

and the country i believe needed that

6:02

it was a funny uh... it

6:04

was funny it was it was

6:06

cathartic now the problem is that

6:08

the people that copy him just

6:10

do gross to be gross right

6:12

and and it almost seems like

6:14

they want to make that normative

6:16

behavior so i think that he

6:18

just has great a great time

6:20

with the conventions of middle class

6:22

society and fortunately middle class society

6:24

has moved so far too gross

6:26

and pathetic that there's almost nothing

6:28

fun about what John Waters was

6:31

doing when at one point it

6:33

was funny just to be doing

6:35

it just to be doing it.

6:38

It was funny my assistant fished

6:40

a huge hairball of my wife's

6:42

hair out of the sink today.

6:45

They'd been clogging the sink today.

6:47

They'd been clogging the sink for

6:49

about six months. They'd been clogging

6:52

the sink for about six months.

6:54

I don't know what's up for

6:56

about six months. I don't know.

6:59

And he said, but don't you want

7:01

to see it? I said, not into

7:03

it. Like, not... I don't

7:05

really want to see Osama

7:07

bin Laden's blown open head.

7:09

Like, I'm not... Here's my thing.

7:11

If I can't beat off to it

7:14

or eat it, I don't want to

7:16

see it. Okay. That's the way I

7:18

want. See faces of death is a

7:20

teenager? No. I'm not interested.

7:22

I feel like I have

7:25

enough negative things running through

7:27

my mind. pink flamingos, polyester,

7:29

multiple maniacs, but there was

7:31

a place in a time

7:33

for it. Like midnight in

7:35

college at the college theater.

7:37

Righteous indignation is the name

7:40

of the book, excuse me,

7:42

while I save the world.

7:44

Andrew Brightbart is here. He's

7:46

got himself a website, it

7:48

is brightbart.com, and Andrew, what's

7:50

the... the gist of the book. I've not read

7:52

it. I just saw it today. Oh boy. The

7:54

gist of the book, the reason why, first of

7:56

all, it took me seven months to come up

7:58

the title in six months. write it. I'm proud

8:01

of the title because I found myself

8:03

in a natural position of defending the

8:05

Tea Party because I knew that the

8:07

mainstream media was going to attack it

8:09

mercilessly and they just impugned their motives

8:12

the second that they stood out there

8:14

and said we want lower taxes, we

8:16

want fiscal responsibility, we're for the constitution.

8:18

I said uh-oh the mainstream media is

8:20

going to attack these people and and

8:22

then they did they called them racist,

8:25

they called them violent. I started to

8:27

defend them and I just didn't... these

8:29

people if you listen to what they

8:31

have to say they want to fix

8:33

the country. They want to, they're just

8:35

your aunts and your uncles, your mothers

8:37

and your fathers and they're being perfectly

8:39

reasonable but the mainstream media came out

8:41

there and started to attack them and

8:44

this book was my transformation to a

8:46

great extent from being a protector of

8:48

and defender of the tea party to

8:50

actually realizing I was one of them

8:52

and I think that these people are

8:54

actually helping to save the world.

8:56

So this is about my travels

8:58

through new media and how effective

9:00

strategies of taking on the mainstream

9:02

media, my battles against the mainstream

9:05

media and how the new media

9:07

is pretty much taking over right

9:09

now. It's a huge revolution. Well,

9:11

why? Why is it the second

9:13

somebody says something like, I'd like

9:15

the lower taxes or I'd like

9:17

to cut into the deficit and

9:19

see if we could shrink that

9:21

a little or I'd like to

9:23

beef up the border a little

9:25

bit, worried, or I'd like to,

9:27

you know, I'd like to make

9:30

this country a little more secure

9:32

around the borders. How come it

9:34

doesn't take 10 minutes for someone

9:36

to call them a racist? It's

9:38

go, well, you know, how does that

9:40

work? There's one chapter, chapter six in

9:43

there, that's like a Glenn Beck history,

9:45

you know, a shockboard, okay? And it

9:47

is about how the Marxists, who had

9:49

tried to take over this country

9:51

for so many years with the

9:53

arguments of economic Marxism, who basically

9:56

would try and go to the

9:58

workers and say, hey workers, you

10:00

need to take over the owner. You

10:02

know, he's a bad guy and

10:04

they go, no, I've got a widget

10:06

I'm working on. I think, you

10:08

know, I've got a nice house. Everything's

10:11

okay. Our country was not susceptible

10:13

to economic Marxist arguments. The book talks

10:15

about these crazy social engineering guys

10:17

from the Frankfurt school who emigrated from

10:19

Nazi Germany basically to the United

10:21

States in the Columbia University and the

10:24

UCSD guys like the name of

10:26

Adorno Horkheimer. I could get into all

10:28

of them and they basically translated

10:30

economic Marxism from the haves versus

10:32

the have nots into the

10:34

oppressor versus the oppressed and so

10:36

all the people who are

10:38

leaving the humanities departments, I had

10:40

an American studies degree, are

10:42

leaving with this feeling there's black

10:44

versus white, there's gay versus

10:46

straight and they're pitting people against

10:48

each other and that's what

10:50

the leftists think. They think that

10:53

if you disagree with democratic

10:55

party policy, you have to be

10:57

a racist. You have to

10:59

be a sexist. You have to be

11:01

a homophobe and if the left

11:03

are going to call people on the

11:05

right birthers, I'm perfectly comfortable calling

11:07

people on the left racers because every

11:09

time you disagree with them, eventually

11:12

they call you a racist. Yeah, it's

11:14

one of these things where it's

11:16

like an Asian kid who's really good

11:18

with the Rubik's Cube speaking of racist.

11:20

I am a racist. I wear

11:22

it proudly and it takes them about

11:24

three moves but eventually gets the

11:26

racist and it's pretty fast. It's not

11:29

the first move. It doesn't come

11:31

back the first, you know,

11:33

you fire a shot, they fire back

11:35

racist. It goes back you volley like

11:37

three times and then the racist thing

11:39

comes out and then once they trot

11:41

that out, it just hangs out. I

11:43

don't understand to my whole family's a

11:46

bunch of, I don't know, ex

11:48

-communists. I don't know what, you

11:50

know, just lazy fucks who

11:52

complain about the government who, you

11:54

know, hammer welfare checks and

11:56

all this kind of stuff. And

11:58

I don't understand first things, how

12:00

they think things are going to work, like

12:03

communism doesn't

12:06

work. We did an experiment.

12:08

We did a controlled

12:10

experiment. We took a city

12:13

called Berlin and we made a stripe

12:15

through it and it was a

12:17

wall covered with barbed wire and machine

12:19

gun nests and one side of

12:21

it represented communism and the other side

12:23

of it represented our form of

12:25

government and people were dying going what

12:27

direction and what side couldn't you get fresh

12:29

bread in and you were driving around two

12:31

-stroke cars the other ones you're drinking wine

12:34

and hanging out. It's still

12:36

happening today I mean I was talking

12:38

to a friend who's a Texas

12:40

Rangers fan and he was telling me

12:42

about their their new outfield prospect

12:44

who's going to double A and they

12:46

said he he's from Cuba and

12:48

he defected I'm like oh yeah that

12:50

yeah they're prisoners right there it's

12:52

Craig go I go if it's such

12:54

a good society and Michael Moore

12:56

thinks it's so great why are they

12:58

prisoners well first off there's a

13:00

stripe in the middle of a country

13:02

and everyone is done you tell

13:04

me which direction the machine gunners are

13:06

facing everyone is dying going

13:08

one direction of course experiment over

13:10

arguments settled and but it's

13:13

not but it's not and right

13:15

now I'm everywhere I go

13:17

I I'm like who is it

13:19

Linus that had the sure

13:21

the black cloud over here I

13:23

think it was or Schlepprock

13:25

I think no I think Schlepprock

13:27

may have been from the

13:29

Flintstown yeah oh teabag no dirtbag

13:31

yeah yeah right dirt right

13:33

that I and my current controversy

13:35

happens to be a pig pen

13:37

pig pen right okay I'm pig

13:40

pen was also in the grateful

13:42

dead for a while right yeah

13:44

I'm pig pen of controversy and

13:46

my current controversy hovering above me

13:48

is these classes from the University

13:50

of Missouri some student has come

13:52

forward in a labor studies

13:54

course an introduction to labor studies

13:56

course and we have 30

13:58

hours of these tapes in which

14:01

they're indoctrinating these kids,

14:03

not just in communism. They

14:05

bring in a guy

14:07

for two hours to try

14:09

and get them to

14:11

sign up for the Communist

14:13

Party, but these labor

14:15

professors who work for the

14:17

unions and negotiation with

14:19

companies are talking about the

14:21

tactics of sabotage, the

14:23

tactics of intimidating executives following

14:26

them to church, following

14:28

them to the supermarket on

14:30

the weekend and getting in their

14:32

faces. At one point on

14:34

these videos, the teacher talks about

14:36

her friend who threw a

14:38

bunch of cats into a power

14:40

plant so that the cats

14:42

would get electrocuted so that the

14:44

power plant would lose electricity

14:47

in the community. And they're teaching

14:49

these tactics to these people

14:51

and I'm being accused as the

14:53

bad guy who's selectively editing

14:55

the videos. No, you are teaching

14:57

communism to these kids and

14:59

that's unfortunately what these public sector

15:01

unions who've been protesting up

15:04

in Wisconsin are all about. Again,

15:07

I was just yapping with somebody today,

15:09

look, I don't have an advanced

15:11

degree by any stretch of the imagination.

15:13

I just have common sense, which

15:15

is if you're a Nissan and you've

15:17

got your company in California and

15:20

you're paying a shitload of taxes and

15:22

workmen's comp and everything else and

15:24

then Nashville says, hey, we can set

15:26

you up over here and save

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you a shitload of money, then

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17:20

Nissan leaves California,

17:22

leaves Los Angeles, and goes to

17:24

Nashville, makes her headquarters there. It's

17:26

pretty simple. The argument I always

17:28

make is the film industry. You

17:30

have, and I got brought this

17:33

up a million times and it's,

17:35

you know, not reinventing this idea

17:37

or inventing it in the first

17:39

place, but you have a group

17:41

of the most leftist Tim Robbins worshiping

17:43

sort of fucking just thumping that drum

17:45

of why shouldn't people pay? Why

17:47

shouldn't the rich pay their fair share?

17:49

I love when they say that,

17:51

their fair share of taxes and how

17:53

come these big money makers and

17:55

these rich people need to pay more

17:57

and all that kind of stuff. and

18:00

then soon as it's time to for them to

18:02

go to work going to Canada going

18:04

to Prague going to New Mexico they're

18:06

going anywhere but where I live they

18:08

all live in Malibu they all live

18:10

in the palisades they all live in

18:13

Santa Monica Tim Robbins once you shoot

18:15

a movie in Santa Monica yeah you

18:17

can't they've screwed the pooch okay so

18:19

I'm just saying of course they're wild

18:21

hypocrites of course Alec Baldwin is you

18:23

know two years ago he's saying if

18:25

you raise the taxes in Manhattan we'll

18:28

all have to yes we'll all have

18:30

to go out of Manhattan right well

18:32

now you tell a corporation that

18:34

was why don't they understand that

18:36

there was a movie about Los

18:38

Angeles that came out about a

18:40

month or two ago do you

18:42

remember the one that about the

18:44

dystopian like the you know it

18:46

was like post-apocalyptic Los Angeles. Yes.

18:48

It was made in Shreveport. Oh

18:50

really? Louisiana. Yeah. How crazy is

18:52

that? They've screwed the pooch. And

18:54

the thing is, what the president's...

18:57

Why don't they admit that? Why?

19:00

Here's what I don't understand

19:02

about these arguments. Why these

19:04

are so fundamental.

19:06

And again... Businesses aren't good

19:08

or evil, they're just businesses. And if

19:10

you let them go out of the

19:12

country and they can save a nickel,

19:14

then that's what they do. Or you

19:16

let them go out of the state

19:18

and they can save a dime. That's

19:21

what they'll do. It's the same thing

19:23

the most leftist softest Democrats

19:26

on the planet do when it comes

19:28

time for them to go to work.

19:30

They have to leave and go to

19:32

work. I mean, I was Brian Cranston,

19:34

great dude, was on this show. And actually

19:36

when he was done with this show I

19:38

was I drove to the airport I drove

19:40

to Birdbank Airport He said I got a

19:42

car coming to pick me up I said

19:44

I'll give you a ride some my way

19:46

home sort of so I said Where are

19:48

you going and he said I'm going to

19:51

do season three of breaking bad? And I

19:53

said, where's that at? He says New Mexico?

19:55

I said it's all about the meth trade

19:57

ever think about the shooting that thing in

19:59

Riverside or something? Riverside, California, and he

20:01

said, use some work. Yeah, he said,

20:03

originally, that's where it was set. It

20:06

was set in Riverside, California. That's what

20:08

the script was. And I said, what's

20:10

going on in New Mexico? They give

20:13

us a break. So now Brian Cranston

20:15

is going to hop on a southwest

20:17

flight along with the rest of the

20:20

crew and go to New Mexico and

20:22

dump all their money into lodging and

20:24

restaurants and use all the local crews

20:27

and process all the stuff and do

20:29

all the, probably dumping millions. into the

20:31

economy of New Mexico. We get nothing

20:34

and isn't that the most fundamental thing

20:36

on the planet? Who does not understand

20:38

that concept about explaining my fucking five-year-old?

20:41

Yeah, this is what I'm pissed off

20:43

about. This is what I'm righteously indignant

20:45

about. It's basic stuff. I'm not that

20:48

political a person. I wish I could

20:50

just go back to going to 40

20:52

Dodger games and going to movies and

20:55

paying attention to what's on HBO. Los

20:57

Angeles is no longer Los Angeles. I

20:59

grew up in a place that when

21:02

I graduated from college in 1987 and

21:04

I moved down to New Orleans, I

21:06

found out that girls liked me simply

21:09

because the cashier that i was from

21:11

california it was unfair it was unfair

21:13

california is the greatest place in the

21:16

world and everybody wanted to be here

21:18

now you admit that you're from california

21:20

it's not the same what's happened because

21:23

i've been here my whole life it

21:25

sucks now it's horrible but it's the

21:27

worst place i i can't leave because

21:30

my parents are alive my children want

21:32

to be of their grand yeah i

21:34

can't leave but it's the word it

21:37

is it it it overnight it went

21:39

from the greatest place to the suckiest

21:42

place and it is because the people

21:44

who run this business are anti-business right

21:46

and again anyone you know I used

21:49

to be a contractor anyone who's ever

21:51

tried to build anything Andrew if you

21:53

tried to pull a permit and build

21:56

something that's when it really it goes

21:58

to the next level like That's

22:00

when you realize, I mean, that's when

22:02

you start getting into a sort

22:05

of Waco Ruby Ridge kind of mentality,

22:07

where it's like - Oh, you start

22:09

getting angry. Well, when you go

22:11

down to the city and they're like,

22:13

bring your checkbook and bring your

22:15

plans and cut us five grand for

22:17

this and five grand for that

22:19

and soils reports and compaction reports and,

22:21

I mean, I'm to tell you

22:24

this, if you want

22:26

to build something, you will

22:28

then need to hire a deputy inspector.

22:30

That's a guy who charged about 100 bucks

22:32

an hour and he sits in his

22:34

car for about a half hour and watches

22:36

a guy weld and then he leaves

22:38

and you have to pay him for a

22:41

full day. And then you have to

22:43

pay the city on top of that. And

22:45

it's, first off, it's an entire scheme

22:47

and it's a fucking Ponzi scheme where you

22:49

have to go get soils reports for,

22:51

you know, you don't need soils reports. You

22:53

have to get compaction reports, environmental reports.

22:55

It is absolutely insane how much money and

22:57

how expensive it is for them to let

22:59

you build. It's not the building itself.

23:02

And by the way, if you live in

23:04

Malibu and you're anywhere near the coastal

23:06

commission, fuck it, don't even try. By

23:08

the way, are you aware that the

23:10

Republican Party has nobody running for

23:12

the presidency right now and that if

23:14

you had put that out there

23:16

and by mistake people heard that and that

23:18

was your spiel, you would have gone

23:20

up to Donald Trump level at about

23:23

70. You would have gone up to

23:25

70%. And I'm just telling you, this

23:27

is foreshadowing, what is going to happen

23:29

over the next year with the Republican

23:31

Party is what happened in 2003 with

23:33

the Gray Davis recall. It's going

23:35

to be a freak show. It's going

23:37

to be porn stars. It's going to

23:39

be the ghost of Gary Coleman. It's

23:41

going to be Ariana Huffington. I'm telling

23:43

you, if you speak like that in

23:46

that, exactly that language, that's what this

23:48

country wants to hear right now. They're

23:50

sick of these Unix, these

23:52

white guys who are pole testing

23:54

everything. It really comes down to brass

23:57

tacks. It comes down to a

23:59

fundamental understanding of. how to make crap, how

24:01

to get that crap out to the

24:03

customer. Right. These people, I don't need

24:05

a politician to run this thing. I

24:08

need somebody who is a contractor. I

24:10

need somebody who has common sense who

24:12

has been in the real world within

24:14

the last five years, not somebody who's

24:17

been in a think tank for the

24:19

last 30. It's insane and, you know,

24:21

it was funny because I was watching

24:23

the Colbert report. report last night and

24:26

they were making fun of Donald Trump

24:28

and his 70 foot flagpole that's at

24:30

his golf course in uh... palis verdi's

24:32

uh... but it's his land it's a

24:35

beautiful seventy-foot flag poll and it has

24:37

a huge American flag on it and

24:39

there's an ordinance and that ordinance is

24:41

if you build anything higher than 16

24:44

feet or not build anything but put

24:46

a poll up higher than 16 feet

24:48

you got to go down to the

24:50

city and pull a permit and they're

24:53

making fun of Trump the entire time

24:55

because it's Colbert and it's Comedy Central

24:57

and everything but I find myself agreeing

24:59

with Trump the whole time. He spent

25:02

millions on that land God knows what

25:04

he pays in taxes. out there on

25:06

that land and if you want to

25:08

put a fucking flag pole up and

25:11

fly the fucking American flag how about

25:13

don't you guys have bigger fish to

25:15

fry than this this is really where

25:17

you want to you want to concentrate

25:20

your efforts on a guy who's putting

25:22

millions of dollars back into the tax

25:24

base and is flying the American flag

25:26

in front of the ocean blocking a

25:29

view of nothing except for The old

25:31

white guys that are hanging around spending

25:33

more money and putting more tax dollars

25:35

into your system. This is a picture

25:37

of the flag. Who gives a fuck?

25:40

He bought two billion acres over there

25:42

on Rancho Pals Verde's. He built a

25:44

championship golf course and now he's putting

25:46

a flagpole up. Excuse him for not

25:49

asking your permission. You, with you who

25:51

could not do what in the private

25:53

sector? You who's making $63,000 a year

25:55

running what? He should come kiss your

25:58

ass and then at some point... You're

26:00

going to force him to tear it

26:02

down? Fuck that. Fuck you. Go back

26:04

in your office and shut the fuck

26:07

up. My thing is with the

26:09

smoking stuff. I hate smoking more

26:11

than anyone that you'll ever meet.

26:13

But if somebody wants to create a

26:15

bar... or restaurant. That's all smoking and

26:18

I think that that's what the slippery

26:20

slope started and my dad lost that

26:22

battle. He was a lobbyist for the

26:24

California Restaurant Association and I got out

26:26

of the shower in college and I'm

26:29

like whoa my dad's on CNN in

26:31

our backyard and he's talking in our

26:33

backyard. My dad's I've never seen my

26:35

dad on TV in my life and

26:37

he's talking about how Beverly Hills wants

26:39

to get rid of smoking. I'm thinking

26:42

to myself wait. They want to get

26:44

rid of smoking. They had half

26:46

smoking and half non-smoking. Who's not

26:48

even happy with that situation? Rob

26:50

Reiner. Yeah, and I said, California

26:53

is a crazy place. It's filled

26:55

with a lot of flaky people.

26:57

This is a private owner. If

26:59

he wants to have an all-smoking

27:01

restaurant, the next door, somebody is

27:04

going to be smart and create

27:06

a non-smoking restaurant. Doesn't that make

27:08

sense? It's free property, it's free

27:10

property, it's free will. I don't

27:12

like smoking. I hate smoking, but

27:15

I take freedom as a higher

27:17

value. It's funny that you use

27:19

the smoking thing, because I think

27:21

about that all the time, and

27:24

I always use it as an

27:26

example of the difference between the

27:28

guys who wanted to smoke and the

27:30

NRA, which is they do what they

27:33

do, which is they go, hey, everyone

27:35

used to just sit around

27:37

restaurants, wherever, and smoke. And

27:39

they said, And the difference between the folks

27:42

that smoked in the NRA was this. I

27:44

secretly suspect this is what the NRA does.

27:46

I'm not a fan, but this is what

27:48

they do. This is part of their strategy.

27:50

So somebody came into the restaurant and he

27:52

said, hey, smokers, you know what? We're going

27:54

to need to move you on over here

27:56

and just create a little smoking section on

27:58

this side of the restaurant. we just pick

28:00

it up moving over here please

28:02

and everyone went oh yeah okay

28:04

and they went and sat in

28:07

the smoking section and then a

28:09

certain point somebody came up and

28:11

said hey smokers listen gunnage you

28:13

clear out of the dining area

28:15

but if you want to smoke

28:17

at the bar they'll be fine

28:19

and they just sort of got

28:21

up and went yeah okay all

28:23

right and then went sat in

28:25

the bar and then the same

28:27

guy came back again he said

28:29

Bad news gonna need you to

28:31

move you out front outside gonna

28:33

not can't have any smoking in

28:35

the bar or the rest just

28:37

go out front So they went

28:39

yeah, okay. So they stood out

28:41

on the sidewalk in front of

28:44

the valet and smoked a cigarette

28:46

And then the guy came out

28:48

again and said gonna need you

28:50

to move down the street 80

28:52

paces to smoke a cigarette and

28:54

you see they just kept getting

28:56

up and moving what the NRA

28:58

does is they say fuck you

29:00

we're not moving. Let's argue about

29:02

it and there's day and where

29:04

they are, meaning they said, hey

29:06

man, we need those hall tips.

29:08

bullets or cop killers where they

29:10

went, I don't think so. And

29:12

now we're just arguing about it.

29:14

And I don't think they're arguing

29:16

about that. They don't want to

29:19

keep sliding out and down the

29:21

sidewalk with the smokers. And this

29:23

is the way we are, especially

29:25

in California, which is we go,

29:27

hey, do this. And then someone

29:29

goes, all right, or we'll go,

29:31

hey, put a buck on the,

29:33

you know, put a, put a

29:35

tax on cigarettes for a dollar.

29:37

And then the next time they

29:39

go, And then all the people

29:41

that don't smoke and are full

29:43

of fucking righteous indignation, they go,

29:45

oh yeah, and then someone says

29:47

give it to the kids and

29:49

the next thing you know, where

29:51

we're at, which is, which is,

29:54

by the way, here's, here's all

29:56

I want to say about California

29:58

and Los Angeles. Is it working?

30:00

Does it seem like a utopia?

30:02

School systems unusable. I cannot send

30:04

my kids to the fucking L.A.

30:06

Unified School District. Boyer girl doesn't

30:08

matter. Let's home school. Can't we

30:10

just sit around? I couldn't teach

30:12

them anything. I get out of

30:14

breath, I go for the oxygen

30:16

air to take over. Where was

30:18

I? God damn it! What the

30:20

God damn... Yeah. I... I can't

30:22

send my kids to public school.

30:24

And the schools are fucked up.

30:26

And what about the lottery? Well,

30:28

that hasn't done shit for the

30:31

schools. It's like $13,000 or $14,000

30:33

per head. Of course. And if

30:35

you go over to the parochial

30:37

school, I think it costs on

30:39

average about three or four thousand

30:41

ahead. We do a horrific job

30:43

with everything. I'm agnostic and I

30:45

walked in two months before school

30:47

is supposed to start, six months

30:49

after the applications were taken in

30:51

the school, a parochial school on

30:53

the west side of Los Angeles,

30:55

and I almost had tears in

30:57

my eyes. And I said, I

30:59

screwed up. I didn't get my

31:01

kid into a private school and

31:03

he's about to have to go

31:06

to junior high and those are

31:08

the Lord of the Flies years.

31:10

I don't want my kid to

31:12

lose it and I said I

31:14

cannot afford to lose my kid

31:16

to moral relativism and all the

31:18

crap that goes on in this

31:20

place. Please God, a God that

31:22

I don't necessarily believe in. and

31:24

she let my kid into the

31:26

school and I'm telling you these

31:28

kids. She meaning the she got

31:30

or the she lady? The lesbian

31:32

around the school. It was, I

31:34

think it was Tanya Roberts. Nice.

31:36

Yeah. I was checking her out

31:38

last night on Charlie's Angel. Yeah,

31:41

good stuff. Great eyes. Yeah. Well,

31:43

it's weird, but I was saying

31:45

this morning, I said, you know,

31:47

they used to say, used to

31:49

hear that adage that you can

31:51

tell a society by how it

31:53

treats its prisoners. And I'm now

31:55

modifying that to you can tell

31:57

a city by what bumper stickers

31:59

are on the back of the

32:01

cop cars and I used to

32:03

stare at the end senior abuse

32:05

one on there that depressed the

32:07

shit out of me for a

32:09

long time and I saw one

32:11

the other day that said no.

32:13

K-N-O-W, I don't know why. No

32:15

human trafficking. Right. And I thought,

32:18

Jesus Christ, I know they don't

32:20

have this in Seattle. LA's turned

32:22

into a fucking dump. LA's a

32:24

dirt, first off, LA is dirty.

32:26

I mean, it's a filthy city.

32:28

There's trash everywhere. And I'll give

32:30

you, I'll give you LA in

32:32

a nutshell. I'll give it to

32:34

you right now. I drive here

32:36

every day along Forest Lawn Drive.

32:38

Okay, it's a long stretch right

32:40

right down the hill from where

32:42

Jacko is entombed up top and

32:44

it's a long straight Basically signalless

32:46

stretch a highway and people tend

32:48

to speed there because of pulvida

32:50

like it's a pulvida ask in

32:53

its width and breadth and of

32:55

course they know you're gonna speed

32:57

there and of course these speed

32:59

limits are sort of antiquated because

33:01

when my mom was driving a

33:03

VW Squareback with 70 series retread

33:05

tires and drum brakes and leaf

33:07

springs all the way around the

33:09

thing with shimmy. They're waiting to

33:11

punish you. And by the way

33:13

you hit the break, you hit

33:15

the break my mom Squareback, the

33:17

front left tire locks up and

33:19

the car pulls violently to the

33:21

left. The good folks over at

33:23

Lexus have seen fit to lend

33:25

me an ISF. That car's 414

33:28

horsepower. Huge. Anti-lock brakes on all

33:30

corners, you know, 40 series speed

33:32

rated tires, titanium everything, speed sensing,

33:34

everything. You could stomp on the

33:36

brakes at 100 not touched a

33:38

steering wheel and it would just

33:40

stop in two feet without a

33:42

puff of smoke coming out any

33:44

of the tires. Obviously that car

33:46

is safe at twice a speed

33:48

that my mother's VW Squareback was,

33:50

but the speed limit remains the

33:52

same. Because we're all into safety.

33:54

So the cop so now you

33:56

have Ralph Nader to think for

33:58

all this is a dick Pussy

34:00

and a dick. So now you

34:02

have this of force lawn and

34:05

on one side of the stretch

34:07

of force lawns, force lawn drive,

34:09

are all the illegals and they

34:11

hang out there and they sell

34:13

flowers to people that are going

34:15

to forest lawn. And of course...

34:17

next to where they're selling all

34:19

their stuff is trash trash everywhere

34:21

fast food wrappers from the food

34:23

they eat boxes from the boxes

34:25

they use and then discard there's

34:27

no trash cans put along there

34:29

it's a bunch of illegals standing

34:31

around selling things without a license

34:33

without without permits without anything now

34:35

there is a cop around but

34:37

where is that cop he's on

34:40

the other side of the street

34:42

and he's holding a fucking radar

34:44

gun waiting for me to crack

34:46

47 miles an hour so we

34:48

can rate me by the side

34:50

of the road. Meanwhile all the

34:52

undocumented guys are just fucking making

34:54

a mess on the other side

34:56

of the street and they're criminals.

34:58

I'm a taxpayer, they're undocumented, I'm

35:00

documented, and you're fucking raping me

35:02

for another nickel. That's LA in

35:04

a god damn nutshell, and that's

35:06

why the city's coming undone. And

35:08

that's why it will continue to

35:10

come undone. And as long as

35:12

you have fucking Tony Valar, I'm

35:14

sorry, his made-up name, Viragosa, as

35:17

long as you have him in

35:19

there pandering to the Hispanic vote.

35:21

Then you're just going to keep

35:23

going deeper and deeper into the

35:25

fucking mire. There was a point

35:27

in this conversation where I said

35:29

that you could run for the

35:31

Republican Party and I think that

35:33

you'd be at about 17 percent.

35:35

You just took it about 28,

35:37

29 percent. Yeah. The thing is,

35:39

people are looking for that level

35:41

of honesty and bypassing CNN and

35:43

bypassing ABC because they're the ones

35:45

who are framing the narrative out

35:47

there. And if you tell the

35:49

truth, you're not allowed to say

35:52

that story. If this if media

35:54

matters or some left-wing group were

35:56

to take what you just said

35:58

I guarantee you they would distill

36:00

it down to this guy's racist.

36:02

That's that's no I they're not

36:04

listening to the logic in it.

36:06

It has nothing to do with

36:08

it. I have a Hispanic sister.

36:10

I'm adopted. I don't have any

36:12

of the same blood of anybody

36:14

in my family. This is not

36:16

about blood. This is about right

36:18

versus wrong. This is about the

36:20

laws of this wrong. And you're

36:22

not even allowed to bring it

36:24

up without being called a racist.

36:27

It's ridiculous. I know I love

36:29

the idea that we sit around

36:31

and debate enforcing. It's insane to

36:33

me. Meanwhile, God forbid I attempt

36:35

to build something on my property

36:37

without pulling a permit. Then they

36:39

snap in action. Can I prove

36:41

that I'm not a racist towards

36:43

Hispanics? Sure. Did you ever see

36:45

Moscow on the Hudson? Yes, Robert

36:47

Williams. Remember Maria Kanchido Alonzo in

36:49

that? Yes. The things I did

36:51

to myself as a teenager prove

36:53

that I'm not a racist. Yeah,

36:55

but you're like one of those

36:57

plantation owners who's having sex with

36:59

their slaves. Oh, I don't have

37:01

a retort to that. That was

37:04

fucking good. I just gave you

37:06

a little Bill Marsh out there.

37:08

Okay, well, I respect her as

37:10

a human being after. You desecrated

37:12

her femininity and that's your excuse

37:14

for not really racist... At Lisa

37:16

Bonay, an angel heart. Oh. Yeah.

37:18

But she's hardly black, is she?

37:20

She's just like a moat, moat.

37:22

It's perfect. She's like Molly Sims

37:24

with a nice dusting a chocolate

37:26

on her. Yeah, and speaking of

37:28

other, you know, it's funny, because

37:30

I was talking to Mike August,

37:32

the guy who books my live

37:34

shows. And we got one, I'll

37:36

give a little plug for myself,

37:39

coming up, Schnitzer Hall in Portland,

37:41

coming up this Saturday. And doing

37:43

a book signing by the Barnes

37:45

and Noble somewhere. in the neighborhood.

37:47

I said, well, how many, how

37:49

big is the Schnitzer? And he

37:51

said, it's about 4,000 cedar. And

37:53

I said, Jesus Christ, 4,000 seats.

37:55

That's a lot. That's

37:57

a fucking huge

37:59

place. It's not

38:01

me and super

38:03

tramp. I could have picked

38:05

a newer bet me and Ricky Martin

38:07

Fog hat me and fog hat. It's

38:09

just me and he said no no

38:12

they they scale it down. They'll scale

38:14

it We have it scaled to about

38:16

1600 they'll just you play the loge

38:18

or whatever the you know, so

38:20

I said alright. That's fine well,

38:22

we can get 1600 people to

38:24

come out on a Saturday night

38:26

and see me that'd be awesome

38:28

and by the way, Portland ears

38:30

We've sold about thirteen hundred and

38:32

fifty tickets, so we're getting close

38:34

get on that if you would

38:36

so then I said The following

38:38

week and I said well, how much money we're gonna

38:41

make they said well if we sell

38:43

all these tickets You know well now

38:45

keep in mind there's unions and you

38:47

got to pay people and it's expensive

38:49

and by the way It was a

38:51

great one Mike so cheap my

38:53

rider. I have a rider.

38:55

That's about as long as Mini

38:59

-me's cock and it basically says fruit

39:01

it basically says veggie platter like

39:03

the kind you get in the plastic

39:05

hub cap from the Rouse, you

39:07

know veggie platter 12 pack of Miller

39:09

light three bottled waters and some

39:12

oatmeal cookies That's Mike added that on

39:14

he likes the oatmeal cookies they

39:16

come back to the they come back

39:18

to him and tell him It's

39:20

gonna be $589

39:22

he says how much

39:24

was the veggie tray that's

39:27

$185 he said how

39:29

much just go down the market buy

39:31

one for $12 by the way, that's

39:33

what that's how they work That's that

39:35

that's the government at work. That's these

39:37

are city owned facilities, but schnitzer

39:40

Portland 4 ,000

39:43

cedar and I said all right

39:45

we sell 1600 tickets what do we walk out

39:47

of there with by the time we're done

39:49

paying the 35 grand to do the thing or

39:51

whatever it is and he Said I don't

39:53

know maybe we can make 20 grand over there,

39:55

and I said all right. That's a pretty

39:57

good. That's a pretty good weekend He said yeah,

39:59

we'll do fine And then I said,

40:01

the following weekend, we're going to

40:03

be at the Wiltern in Los

40:06

Angeles. And I said, what's that

40:08

place? Hold. He said, that holds

40:11

about 2,000. And I said, what

40:13

do we have it scaled for?

40:15

And he said, well, I've scaled

40:18

about 1,600, same as the Schnitzer.

40:20

And I said, all right, so we

40:22

do 1,600 there, what are we

40:25

walking with? And he said, This

40:27

is California. You're not making any money here.

40:29

The thing is, at no point are you

40:31

ever going to see the, first of all,

40:33

I haven't read the Los Angeles Times print

40:36

edition in probably about 10 years. But at

40:38

what point does it say LA is broken?

40:40

LA is over. I think it's over. It's

40:43

over. It's over because nobody's even

40:45

attempting to try and fix

40:47

it. It's more of this

40:49

type of stuff. Everything's punitive.

40:51

Everything is trying to find

40:53

a way to extort you.

40:55

They're giving you no incentive

40:58

not to leave the state. The

41:00

only place that's really fighting back

41:02

right now is Texas, but it's

41:04

so damned hot. We, they no

41:06

longer see citizens, they see money

41:09

bags, they just see dollar signs.

41:11

And again, them going out

41:13

a long force lawn drive

41:16

and enforcing the law doesn't

41:18

make them any money. Them

41:20

hassling me makes them money

41:22

except for I'm fucking moving.

41:24

I've had enough. I can't take it

41:27

anymore. The society is so fucked up.

41:29

If you committed murder, if you've committed

41:31

murder in broad daylight, you're going to

41:33

have the state take care of your

41:35

lawyers and your entire life, you're going

41:37

to have people fighting to keep you

41:40

alive, to get you out of jail.

41:42

But if you get a parking ticket

41:44

in Los Angeles, it's like $60 if

41:46

you were late for three seconds, you're

41:48

nickel. You're 25 cents for 15 minutes

41:50

or 25 cents for six minutes, whatever

41:52

the hell it is right now. have

41:54

a recourse and then they make it

41:56

impossible for you to pay it and

41:58

then your 60 dollars becomes $120 because

42:01

in Pennsylvania it's six dollars you

42:03

know if you if your nickel

42:05

goes over. They're they're greedy. They're

42:07

hypocrites and what they're doing. It's

42:09

a very simple equation. They hate

42:11

us. They hate us. They hate

42:13

us too. It's like they're taking

42:15

the money. They're saying get the

42:18

hell out of your and while

42:20

you're living here, they're telling you

42:22

we hate you and you're a

42:24

racist. No, I know. And it's

42:26

that you have these cunts like

42:28

Maxine Waters saying, you know, it's

42:30

high time the guys like us

42:33

start paying their fair share and

42:35

all that. It's ridiculous. And it's

42:37

a horrible environment. And I'm telling

42:39

you what it's going to be.

42:41

And I've said it many times.

42:43

42% of the tax. No, you're

42:45

at 42%. Oh, I went on

42:47

the party. Yeah. Because I called

42:50

Maxine Waters a cut. Here's the

42:52

deal. Here's the deal. And it's

42:54

going to happen. Virigos is going

42:56

to keep going, the left's going

42:58

to keep going, Maxine Water is

43:00

going to keep going, they're going

43:02

to call guys like us racist,

43:04

and eventually we're going to go,

43:07

fuck it, we're going to Florida.

43:09

And then- New Zealand, better. Then

43:11

we're going to move out, and

43:13

then you're going to be left

43:15

with the folks that are standing

43:17

on the other side of the

43:19

highway. Selling the illegal roses and

43:21

they thought that the thunderdome was

43:24

fiction Then let the fucking party

43:26

begin it that's what I see

43:28

that's what I see it's yeah,

43:30

that's what I see I look

43:32

at my children. I'm like I'm

43:34

trying to fight. I'm trying to

43:36

be the crazy guy out there,

43:39

walking towards the bad guys, towards

43:41

the Maxine Waters, towards the acorns,

43:43

towards the SEIU, towards the AFLCIO,

43:45

which are like extorting from the

43:47

American people. Of course, they're raping

43:49

everyone. Right. And I'm like, I

43:51

just say to my kids, I

43:53

feel like a kamikaze, but I

43:56

cannot leave this country like this.

43:58

I cannot say I didn't fight.

44:00

Listen, this whole thing where you

44:02

hide behind the, hey these are

44:04

hardworking people, hey these, first off,

44:06

if you're working at a GM

44:08

plant and you're making $32.50 an

44:10

hour and the GM plant moves

44:13

to Mexico and you're sitting around

44:15

crying that all you can do

44:17

is get a job working at

44:19

a fast food restaurant, then guess

44:21

what, Dilweed, that's what you're worth.

44:23

Number one, okay, fuck stick. Number

44:25

two, if you weren't greedy. If

44:27

instead of 3250 an hour, you

44:30

took 21 bucks an hour, we

44:32

would have stayed. But you got

44:34

fucking greedy and we left. Look,

44:36

I grew up in Brentwood where

44:38

nobody... talks about unions it's not

44:40

a daily part of your life

44:42

i just remember peripherally watching some

44:45

of these airline strikes i think

44:47

was eastern airlines there is no

44:49

eastern airlines anymore because the union

44:51

said no no we're not going

44:53

to concede we're not going to

44:55

concede on on a single issue

44:57

they're willing to screw the pooch

44:59

they're willing to have a no

45:02

sex with the golden goose and

45:04

then discarded into uh... the l

45:06

a river and say it's over

45:08

they don't care about the results

45:10

i'm the guy i hate being

45:12

in fucking sagging after They Shanghai

45:14

you. I hate unions. I don't

45:16

want to be in any unions.

45:19

I'm forced to be in a

45:21

union because they take your paycheck.

45:23

By the way, should that even

45:25

be legal? They literally take your

45:27

paycheck and they give it to

45:29

Tony Villeur. And they give it

45:31

to Tony Villeur so he can

45:33

pay off another mistress and spike

45:36

his hortata. He's a sociopath. I

45:38

like Hortata too, actually. It's my

45:40

maid's name, but I also enjoyed

45:42

his beverage. He failed the bar

45:44

four times. He's semi-retarded and he's

45:46

running this fucking city into the

45:48

ground. Idea that I remember remember

45:51

when all the actors were going

45:53

out on strike like 10 years

45:55

ago and they were striking for

45:57

the commercial actors Yeah Now we

45:59

have reality TV. Yeah, yeah, good.

46:01

You're all out of work. I

46:03

don't give a shot. It's over.

46:05

They screwed up acting. Yeah, and they

46:08

always and I would say they'd always

46:10

go hey we're going out on strike

46:12

or hey we're voting or hey The

46:14

chick from the little house in the

46:17

prairies running for you know district selectmen

46:19

The blonde one that was pushed down

46:21

the the one that went blind season

46:24

number four The point is this I'd

46:26

go I don't give a fuck. I

46:28

don't want to be in your shitty

46:30

unions. I don't give a fuck about

46:33

after a second or a second

46:35

and they go oh And I'll go buy

46:37

myself some privatized insurance. How about

46:39

that ass wipes? I can't stand

46:41

it. They went on strike because

46:43

they wanted the commercial actors to get

46:45

like paid and perpetuity and I'm like,

46:47

what the fuck? You're eating a piece

46:50

of Kentucky fried chicken sitting in the

46:52

back of a convertible Mustang. You have

46:54

no speaking lines. Who gives a shit

46:56

how much you get paid? And they

46:58

would always make this argument. Some of

47:01

these guys, there's the Tim Robbins of

47:03

the world. These guys only work. two three

47:05

days a year how they supposed to support a

47:07

family and i was like how about they get

47:09

a fucking job yeah being a contractor yeah

47:12

but get a real job uh... maybe they

47:14

work i don't know nine days a year

47:16

i mean i got a wild idea how

47:18

about their fucking work these guys only work

47:20

three four days where they're supposed to they're

47:22

not they're not actors and then people look

47:24

at me and they go oh yeah how

47:27

about you're in sag aren't you glad you're

47:29

in sag what about those contracts you have

47:31

uh-uh-uh-uh They didn't work that way. You

47:33

want me to do a commercial? Talk to

47:35

my agent. You guys work it out. It's

47:37

got nothing to fucking do with

47:40

SAG. I can't stand that I'm in

47:42

that piece of shit union. I can't

47:44

stand that they send me their fucking

47:46

newsletter saying that, you know, Ed Asner

47:48

had a solid BM. I can't stand

47:50

them in it. And by the way, my

47:52

lesson is all right, well, we're not

47:55

playing the will turn anymore. Lesson

47:57

learn, cheaper to get on that

47:59

southwest flight. with Brian Cranston and

48:01

go play a gig out

48:03

of state so we can keep

48:05

some money. You're actually more

48:07

extreme than I am. I don't

48:09

think I could vote for

48:11

this wild, crazy racist. I don't.

48:13

You've actually gone off the

48:15

deep end. To make matters worse

48:17

about Los Angeles, there was

48:20

always, it was like Cremberle, you

48:22

know, that coating on top,

48:24

the best part of it. The

48:26

good coating of Los Angeles

48:28

is that every now and then

48:30

you ran into an actual

48:32

celebrity that mattered like a Bob

48:34

Newhart and you're like, that

48:36

guy's the funniest guy on the

48:38

planet. That guy is a

48:40

genius. I remember one time golfing

48:42

with Buddy Hackett. I was

48:44

the happiest person in the world.

48:47

I golfed once with Johnny

48:49

Mathis. I go, man, you've got

48:51

the greatest voice in the

48:53

world. He's a pure, pure gentleman.

48:55

He's sweet. Sweet guy. That

48:57

doesn't exist anymore. The people that

48:59

you run into are in

49:01

the second season of the Crusader

49:03

reality show or in the

49:05

situation. Well, I'm driving down the

49:07

street and I see this

49:09

basketball player and a Kardashian and

49:12

they're in a post -coital bathroom

49:14

embrace. It wasn't even a

49:16

billboard. They were standing there. I

49:18

feel like if I were

49:20

given the opportunity to be on

49:22

a fly on the wall

49:24

in their post -coital moment and

49:26

they gave me $1 ,000 and

49:28

put a gun to my head,

49:30

I don't think I would

49:32

want to see this. There's nothing,

49:34

even the Hollywood part of

49:36

this business sucks. I'm good. It

49:39

shit. Fuck Sagan after a

49:41

fuck you asshole. whole town is

49:43

over. Listen, I did a,

49:45

they did a thing with, I

49:47

think it was Los Angeles

49:49

Magazine, Dawson, maybe someone back there

49:51

can find it. And they

49:53

did this thing where they took

49:55

50 or 25 or some

49:57

amount of notable Los Angelinos. Los

50:00

Angeles in the business who

50:02

grew up here because of

50:04

course most people are from

50:06

somewhere else and came out

50:08

here to you know make their

50:11

fortune. But there's a handful

50:13

of guys. It's Steve Martin

50:15

and 49 other famous locals

50:18

on growing up in Los

50:20

Angeles. So there was Jody

50:22

Foster and Mark Harmon and

50:25

George Lopez and Josh. Who's

50:27

that? Groben and Maya Rudolph, David

50:29

Arquette, Ice Cube, people like that. And

50:31

what they did... Miranda Cosgrove? Yeah, I

50:33

guess. Oh, my heart be still. I

50:35

have no fucking idea in a rally

50:37

show. She was next to that black

50:39

guy in the poster. The point is

50:41

this. They all did their little love

50:44

letters to Los Angeles. They all did the,

50:46

oh, growing up I remember, or I

50:48

used to like to go to this

50:50

place, or that place, or this place

50:52

is the best tacos in town, and

50:54

town, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

50:56

blah, blah, blah, blah. Mine was basically,

50:58

I don't know if we can, let's

51:00

see if we can find it. Yeah,

51:02

look around for it. We'll see. If

51:04

we can, if we can find, I'll

51:06

see it, mine basically, and if

51:09

we find it, we find it. I

51:11

basically said, uh, Los Angeles sucks,

51:13

and the only thing that's good

51:15

about Los Angeles is... you can

51:17

get to the ocean in half

51:19

an hour and you get to

51:21

mountains in a half hour if

51:23

you go the other direction and

51:25

the weather and the topography but

51:27

that's plate tectonics yeah when it

51:29

comes to the city officials the

51:31

city council and the mayor all

51:33

they're doing is trying to fuck

51:35

it up so we should get

51:37

zero credit in Los Angeles we

51:39

are basically I've described Los

51:41

Angeles as the world's shittiest

51:44

burger joint on the world's most crowded

51:46

corner with no other competition in the

51:48

sense that we have a fucking horrible

51:51

product but our weather is so good

51:53

we just sit around and wait for

51:55

people to show up and pay top

51:57

dollar for our piece of shit burgers.

51:59

I used to say to people when

52:02

I would defend Los Angeles, back

52:04

when you could defend it, even though

52:06

it was going downhill, I said,

52:08

but there's always this amazing juxtaposition for

52:10

the shallow, horrible place. We had

52:12

John Wooden, we had the O'Malley who

52:15

owned the Dodgers, and we had, to

52:17

me, the best, Vin Scully. Sure. John

52:19

Wooden's gone, Peter O'Malley's gone, and the

52:22

only thing that's keeping me from...

52:24

From leaving as Vincolle he's the last

52:26

of the good and Vian hang on

52:28

baby. All right. Let's see can you

52:31

read that from where you're sitting? Yeah,

52:33

there you go You want to

52:35

read it out loud? You're more educated

52:37

than I am? Sure. Oh, I'd love

52:40

to. Thank you. I appreciate this opportunity.

52:42

Sure. I'm going to give your book

52:44

a plug. Righteous indignation, by the

52:46

way, is the name of the book.

52:49

Excuse me while I save the world.

52:51

This is my snippet on what I

52:53

like about Los Angeles. Everyone does this

52:56

thing where they go. You can

52:58

get to the ocean in 25 minutes.

53:00

You can get to the mountains in

53:02

an hour. Isn't that wonderful? I guess

53:05

the answer is yes. But the school

53:07

system is unusable. The traffic is

53:09

horrible. Business are fleeing. I don't give

53:11

credit to Vigosa or the city council

53:14

for the mountains of the oceans. That

53:16

has to do with plate tectonics. I

53:18

give them credit for a graffiti

53:20

problem that's so bad, the street signs

53:23

have to be covered with barbed wire.

53:25

I give credit to God for do

53:27

a fair to middling job creating the

53:30

place and Vira goes in the

53:32

city council for fucking it up. Pot

53:34

holes and a holes. That's Los Angeles.

53:36

uh... every other one was oh i

53:39

remember going down p c h with

53:41

the beach boys yes go ahead

53:43

i have when i have friends that

53:45

come from out of town and i

53:48

want to show them the real l

53:50

a i take them to the ninety

53:52

nine cents door and a hot

53:54

dog on a stick the only things

53:57

that are salvageable in this town the

53:59

hot ninety nine cents It's self-explanatory. Sure.

54:01

I like the toys. I like seeing

54:04

which books that they were able to

54:06

get. I like the smell. Okay, right.

54:08

I like seeing the products from Hormel

54:11

that didn't make it past the test

54:13

phase. So that's fun. And it's fun

54:15

to see the people that are

54:17

there, a great mix of people. Secondly,

54:20

hot dog on a stick. And I

54:22

take people to hot dog on a

54:24

stick from out of town. Why are

54:27

we here? And I said, you'll know.

54:29

You'll know. You'll know. And they

54:31

say, but we've been standing here

54:34

for five minutes. Don't worry, you

54:36

know. This isn't subtle stuff. You'll

54:38

know. And then out of nowhere. these

54:40

women who are dressed in these weird

54:42

stewardess outfits from the 1960s start pumping

54:44

lemonade. I go, there you go, that's

54:46

my Los Angeles. I applied for a

54:48

job at the hot dog on a

54:50

stick. They pay a dollar more an

54:53

hour. That's why I went there. Then

54:55

all of the other stands. When I

54:57

applied for the job for the one

54:59

in the Sherman Oaks Mall, the Sherman

55:01

Oaks Galleria back in the day where

55:03

they shot fast times at Rich Whiteheim

55:05

when I was about 17 or 18.

55:07

uh... they were paying like two i

55:09

mean minimum wage was you know two

55:11

fifty whatever three bucks they were

55:13

paying like four seventy five bucks

55:15

like they're playing a nice wage

55:17

and i wanted a gig and

55:19

hot dog on a stick and

55:21

they're like we're just hiring the ladies

55:24

yeah i know Why, by the

55:26

way, is that okay? You should

55:28

have gone to Gloria Allred and

55:31

sued. Yeah. Can I open a

55:33

place called Dude on a Snatch?

55:35

Yeah. And go, sorry, we just

55:38

hired dudes. Yeah, Glory, Allred. Oh,

55:40

my good gracious. Andrew Brightbard, everyone,

55:43

righteous indignation. Help me out with

55:45

a couple of these live reads,

55:47

would you? Sure. You like sports,

55:50

Andrew? National League Baseball.

55:52

Yeah. Draft street.com is where you

55:54

go. They got Daily Fantasy Sports.

55:57

They got leagues. Oh yeah, cash

55:59

prizes and Baseball, football, basketball, and

56:01

hockey. Could you find out that

56:03

Hung Chico has gone on to

56:06

the DL for the Dodgers because

56:08

he has some type of a

56:10

nervous disorder? No, but you could

56:12

play against another guy who didn't

56:14

know it and that would give

56:16

you an advantage and you would

56:19

clean up in the daily fantasy

56:21

sports leagues. Thousands of dollars awarded

56:23

every night, over 1 million paid

56:25

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56:27

time of the day. Play against

56:29

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56:32

and entry fees range from zero.

56:34

pretty low to 200 bucks so

56:36

you can check it out you

56:38

don't again you can you can

56:40

do it without making a big

56:42

financial commitment again this for the

56:45

dude you know if you like

56:47

Vegas and you like the rotisserie

56:49

leagues and you got a little

56:51

extra cash and you like to

56:53

have a little fun and you

56:55

want to do it from your

56:58

computer draft street.com all major credit

57:00

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57:02

you sign up and use the

57:04

promo code Adam You get a

57:06

$30 bonus on your first deposit.

57:08

draftstreet.com. Again, $30 bonus used to

57:11

promo code Adam. draftstreet.com. And I

57:13

think I got one more here.

57:15

Andrew, let's give you your Twitter

57:17

and your website out, by the

57:19

way. I have a vile stream

57:21

on Twitter. I re-tweet all the

57:24

hatred against me and it's vulgar.

57:26

So if you can't stand that.

57:28

Don't subscribe to my Andrew Brightbart.

57:30

One word. A-N-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- B-R-E-I-T-B-A-R-T. That's my

57:32

Twitter feed. I obsess on it.

57:34

There's nothing better than traveling Wi-Fi

57:37

from LAX to JFK and retweeting

57:39

my enemies while drinking red wine.

57:41

And I wholeheartedly agree. And what

57:43

we all need to do in

57:45

life is just start standing up

57:47

and telling people to fuck off.

57:50

from Glad, who is the most

57:52

miserable band of fucks I've ever

57:54

met in my life. I've run

57:56

a clean-name Glad, like name me

57:58

a fuker. I think you can't

58:00

get hotter. I cannot stand these

58:03

douche bags. They're the most angry douche

58:05

bags in the world. I suspect it's

58:07

because half of them were felt up

58:09

by their stepdad. But either way, they

58:11

give me shit all the time because

58:13

I go, look, if something happened to

58:15

me and my wife, I would like

58:17

my two twins raised by a mama

58:19

and a Papa. Now, that's all things

58:22

being equal. By the way, this is

58:24

where we're living in the life, this

58:26

is where I'm in a fucking snow

58:28

globe filled with retards and catch it.

58:30

I don't know what, and I'm in

58:32

a paint can shaker, I don't know

58:34

what the fuck's going on around here.

58:37

I can't make a statement like this,

58:39

by the way, I'm called homophobic, because

58:41

I said all things being equal, exactly

58:44

the same house, same school, same minivans,

58:46

I would like a mama and a

58:48

Papa. Now. If you're talking about drug

58:50

addict mom and papa, then give me

58:52

the upscale gay couple. And if you're

58:55

talking about a better minivan and a

58:57

better school system and a better house,

58:59

then I would let the gay couple

59:02

raise my kids. But all things being

59:04

equal, I'm an atheist. I believe in

59:06

nature. See, that's the whole thing. Like,

59:08

people with me are like, hey, you're

59:11

an atheist, how come you're so? I'm

59:13

into fucking nature. I believe they have

59:15

a plan. And I wouldn't want a

59:17

polar bear raised by two dude polar

59:19

bears or two chick polar bears. All

59:22

things being equal, I will take the

59:24

male and the female as a nature.

59:26

had intended it. I'm fine with

59:28

that. That makes me a homophobe?

59:30

When glad? When glad decides to

59:32

go to the first AME church

59:34

filled with the black people who

59:36

are against Prop 8 and are

59:38

willing to give the same ire

59:40

that they give you and the

59:42

Mormon church. Go ahead. Mount up

59:44

almost. Go on down. hypocrites. I

59:46

look there are gay conservatives who

59:49

are against gay marriage and they

59:51

can't speak up because they'll be

59:53

attacked by glad too. I know

59:55

but they're they're pussies because go

59:57

down yeah go down and attack the

59:59

black community. They're the loudest voice

1:00:01

against you and your activities. Or

1:00:03

the Hispanic community. Go on down

1:00:05

and talk to the Vatas. Of

1:00:07

course, they're supposed to. So they

1:00:09

go to the Mormon community or

1:00:11

they go to El Coyote and

1:00:14

they intimidate the cash year who

1:00:16

gave $100 to Prop 8. Look,

1:00:18

it's the same thing with PETA.

1:00:20

You're going to go throw a

1:00:22

red dye on some aging actress

1:00:24

who's wearing a fur coat. How

1:00:26

about, go down to the player's

1:00:28

ball. Go down to Vegas. Go

1:00:30

find yourself some pimps going into

1:00:32

the players ball with the red

1:00:34

fucking ink and see how that

1:00:36

goes. Still weeds? That's all I'm

1:00:38

saying. Hey, glad? Head down to

1:00:40

the black church and spread the

1:00:42

same message. They just... Hey, Peta,

1:00:44

go down to the players ball

1:00:47

and talk to Snoop Dog and

1:00:49

his posse about wearing fur. You

1:00:51

won't, because you're hypocr pussies. And

1:00:53

none of them wants to improve

1:00:55

the condition of the people that

1:00:57

they claim. They just want to

1:00:59

raise money by... going after people

1:01:01

like you so that they can

1:01:03

get poor sad people to send

1:01:05

a hundred dollar check thinking that

1:01:07

they're gonna improve their lot in

1:01:09

life. Well, get a job. I'm

1:01:11

telling, I tell them they could

1:01:13

blow me, but that might be

1:01:15

a step in the right direction.

1:01:18

All right, one man's opinion and

1:01:20

face to face with Ace, new

1:01:22

clips every week on the Huffington

1:01:24

Post slash comedy, by the way.

1:01:26

And, ah, one more. Yes, that's

1:01:28

right. I created the Huffington Post,

1:01:30

by the way. Is that you?

1:01:32

I invented the internet. Is that

1:01:34

really? I know you worked on

1:01:36

the humpmen, but did you create

1:01:38

it? Yeah, with Ariana, it was

1:01:40

my idea. How is Ariana? Oh,

1:01:42

she's fantastic. She kicked me off

1:01:44

of the front page though. Because

1:01:46

I attacked a guy by the

1:01:48

name of Van Jones, the Greens

1:01:51

are. I love that movie. Oh,

1:01:53

that's a different movie. Yeah. He

1:01:55

was an avowed communist and he

1:01:57

had to resign from the White

1:01:59

House from his Greensar position and

1:02:01

I called him a communist. I

1:02:03

don't find... her to be as

1:02:05

wonderfully quick-witted as is a lot

1:02:07

of folks do. I've sat next

1:02:09

or doing politically incorrect about a

1:02:11

million times. She was a conservative

1:02:13

because that was her natural default

1:02:15

position. Yeah I find her sort

1:02:17

of loading up her isms and

1:02:19

parroting them out but not so

1:02:22

much. Most her stuff is meant

1:02:24

to be off the cuff, but

1:02:26

it's pre-prepared. That's what I find.

1:02:28

I just know from sitting next

1:02:30

to her. But no, but seriously,

1:02:32

when the American public watches her

1:02:34

sitting next to Bill Maher, they

1:02:36

go, oh, that was a good

1:02:38

one. Oh, she's fast on her

1:02:40

feet. But the reality is, those

1:02:42

are things that she has chambered,

1:02:44

yes. Oh, I'm all over the

1:02:46

place. I'm doing that. Idaho next

1:02:48

week. You do battle with your

1:02:50

demons with your red wine on

1:02:52

the road. New York. I'm here

1:02:55

in New York. I think I'm

1:02:57

going to be doing like this

1:02:59

big book festival in New York.

1:03:01

You should, you should, New York

1:03:03

27th. You shouldn't go anywhere without,

1:03:05

go to my PC. Yeah? Oh

1:03:07

yeah. You try to go to

1:03:09

my PC? They're bisitrics. Great guys,

1:03:11

great group, great sponsors. And you

1:03:13

travel around, you bring your laptop

1:03:15

and you can get to your

1:03:17

home computer or your work computer.

1:03:19

Better yet, you can travel around

1:03:21

with an iPad and you can

1:03:23

secure, there's your iPad, and you

1:03:25

can secure, now what have I

1:03:28

told you, literally right here or

1:03:30

whatever airport you're in or wherever

1:03:32

you're at, you want, shit, there's

1:03:34

something on my home computer or

1:03:36

something on my office computer and

1:03:38

you literally just access it from

1:03:40

your iPad right there. Log in

1:03:42

from any Mac and PC. Will

1:03:44

this be available by 2017? It's

1:03:46

here and it is now, and

1:03:48

it is now. Wow. And there's

1:03:50

a special, you can try it

1:03:52

for 45 days free. Only if

1:03:54

you use the promo code Adam.

1:03:56

Visit go to my pc.com. Go

1:03:59

to my pc.com You should be

1:04:01

using this thing with all the

1:04:03

traveling you're doing. Go to my

1:04:05

pc.com. How many times you've been

1:04:07

somewhere in an airport and you've

1:04:09

been talking to someone? For me,

1:04:11

I always want to show them

1:04:13

pictures of my cars. And I'm

1:04:15

like, oh, it's not on, I

1:04:17

can't, it's on my home computer,

1:04:19

I don't have it on, you

1:04:21

know, go to my PC, you

1:04:23

could do it. You could show

1:04:25

pictures of Maria Kinchido, Alonzo. Yeah,

1:04:27

and I did it when she

1:04:29

was in that Sean Penn movie. All

1:04:32

right, we will take ourselves a quick

1:04:34

break. We'll be back. Oh yeah, well

1:04:36

we're going to say bye to Andrew.

1:04:39

Andrew Brightbart, one of the good ones,

1:04:41

fight in the good fight. Thank you.

1:04:43

I'll see you. Your comments section is

1:04:45

going to be filled with the people

1:04:48

who like to get me banned from

1:04:50

media. Wow, you people can all suck

1:04:52

your own dicks, because I don't care.

1:04:55

James Blunt, up next. The

1:04:58

Adam Corolla show is now streaming

1:05:00

live on new stream. 8

1:05:02

p.m. Pacific, Sunday through Thursday,

1:05:04

interact with other listeners, and

1:05:07

ace broadcasting crew members in

1:05:09

the chat room. And get

1:05:11

exclusive full episodes. You can't

1:05:13

see her here. James Blunt!

1:05:15

Our guest today via Skype

1:05:17

in a computer. Where are you

1:05:19

James? I am in Reno. Oh, it's

1:05:21

beautiful there. Nevada. In fact, I don't

1:05:23

know if you'll be able to see

1:05:25

out. Wow. I need to see if you can see...

1:05:28

What a that's the view outside.

1:05:30

What a time we're living in

1:05:32

a casino tonight. Yeah, what

1:05:34

casino are you in? I

1:05:36

think it's called a silver

1:05:38

legacy. I'm trying to think

1:05:41

we were in actually I thought

1:05:43

I was in Reno Nevada but

1:05:45

I was in Sparks Nevada and

1:05:47

by the way the one thing

1:05:49

I you do you do got

1:05:51

a dig about Reno is If you

1:05:53

live in LA, it's all no smoking

1:05:55

no smoking in the restaurant or smoking

1:05:57

at the bar no smoking in front

1:06:00

of the restaurant. When you show up

1:06:02

to the hotel in Reno they hand

1:06:04

you a cigarette in the lighter. Even

1:06:06

kids, yes, there it is. The ashtray

1:06:09

and the matches are in the hotel

1:06:11

room. I don't know why I miss

1:06:13

that. I missed that and I missed

1:06:16

like the old British cars that would

1:06:18

have the cigarette lighter in the rear

1:06:20

and the ashtray in the rear like

1:06:23

just a scent a den for the

1:06:25

kids to for the kids to smoke.

1:06:27

James and I were speaking at a

1:06:30

I think it was a Halloween party

1:06:32

about two years ago. Does that sound

1:06:34

right? I think that was someone dressed

1:06:36

up as me at the Halloween time.

1:06:39

Oh my god, the guy said he

1:06:41

was about six three and he was

1:06:43

a black dude and he kept saying,

1:06:46

yeah man, I'm James Blunt. I said,

1:06:48

you mean Mel Blunt? And he said,

1:06:50

no man, James Blunt. But he never

1:06:53

pulled the mask off. No, it was,

1:06:55

uh, was it your producer's house up

1:06:57

there in the Hollywood Hills? Mmm. James

1:07:00

froze. Exactly, really fun place, wasn't out

1:07:02

there. Yeah, that house is... next door

1:07:04

to Jimmy Kimmel's old house and down

1:07:06

the street from my current house and

1:07:09

James and I were talking quite a

1:07:11

bit about the military and I guess

1:07:13

it's sort of for you because you

1:07:16

don't seem like that type I run

1:07:18

into the same thing because I'm a

1:07:20

comedian and people say, how did you

1:07:23

get into this? How did you get

1:07:25

into radio? How did you get into

1:07:27

TV? And I say, I used to

1:07:30

be a boxing instructor and I trained

1:07:32

Jimmy Kimmel to box and he got

1:07:34

me on the radio and everyone laughs

1:07:36

and goes, get the fuck out of

1:07:39

here. And I realize you must get

1:07:41

the same thing when you're talking about

1:07:43

military stuff, right? Yeah, I absolutely don't

1:07:46

believe you that you've ever been inside

1:07:48

a half track. Yeah, well, you know,

1:07:50

I just look much bigger with a

1:07:53

gun. But I did six years in

1:07:55

the army and you know, I'm kind

1:07:57

of glad I did it that way

1:08:00

around. and became a musician afterwards because

1:08:02

it would be a it would be

1:08:04

tougher to have done it the other

1:08:07

way around. Do you feel, well

1:08:09

I'll try not to put words

1:08:11

in your mouth, but I feel

1:08:13

that at least personally my history

1:08:15

of playing football and then

1:08:17

working construction and really working for

1:08:19

a living essentially has made show

1:08:22

business easier because when someone says

1:08:24

could you call into this radio

1:08:26

station on Thursday morning I don't

1:08:28

look at that as work I

1:08:31

look at that as a phone call. Yeah, you know,

1:08:33

I think it made some parts of it much

1:08:35

easier, you know, kind of gives you a perspective

1:08:37

And so I know that I'm having fun I

1:08:39

know that I'm really lucky to have this job

1:08:42

I know that if ever I have a tough

1:08:44

day It's a phone call to my friends in

1:08:46

Afghanistan to know that they're the ones who are

1:08:48

having you know They've got a as you say

1:08:50

a proper job and living a much tough time

1:08:53

then again I think the time in my army

1:08:55

day is then coming into this business where it's,

1:08:57

you know, the music business nowadays is 80% hair

1:08:59

and makeup. And to have to deal with the

1:09:01

fickleness of this to be, you know, asked

1:09:04

the most ridiculous questions or to have

1:09:06

the most ridiculous things put on me

1:09:08

sometimes is mind numbing. And you think,

1:09:10

wow, you know, that so my time

1:09:12

in the army is kind of tainted

1:09:14

that if I've done this from an

1:09:16

early age, questions about what I

1:09:18

was wearing, maybe would seem relevant. And

1:09:21

also it is one of those things

1:09:23

where when you're sitting in a hot

1:09:25

tub too long you want to take

1:09:27

a dip in a cold bath and

1:09:29

when you're in the cold bath you

1:09:31

want to get into the hot tub.

1:09:33

It's this sort of thing where when

1:09:35

you've been asked stupid questions and had

1:09:37

makeup put on you for too long

1:09:39

you want to get out in the

1:09:41

field and shoot a 44 and when

1:09:43

you've been out in the sun too long

1:09:46

you kind of want to get in

1:09:48

the shade. It's this weird balance thing.

1:09:50

Yeah. So you did six years, your father was

1:09:52

in the service as well, he was in

1:09:54

the air corps? Yeah, that's right, he's

1:09:56

a helicopter pilot. And so actually

1:09:59

that was. for me I then

1:10:01

got into flying myself I could

1:10:03

fly a plane when I was

1:10:05

16 years old. Wow. and drive

1:10:07

a car which is absolutely lethal.

1:10:09

And then I did lots of

1:10:11

training with you on me but

1:10:13

I actually ended up joining a

1:10:15

reconnaissance regiment. I heard you talking

1:10:17

about that somewhere. By the way,

1:10:20

some kind of trouble is the

1:10:22

name of the album I should

1:10:24

mention for James and also he's

1:10:26

heading out on his world tour

1:10:28

going to Canada and Australia next

1:10:30

so you can check it out.

1:10:32

You can Twitter him, you can

1:10:34

go to James blunt.com, you can

1:10:36

figure out all the tour dates

1:10:38

and all that. So just so,

1:10:40

we're not talking so much about

1:10:42

them, you know, essentially doing a

1:10:45

one-hour plug for the UK's military

1:10:47

and not getting a little James

1:10:49

Blunt love in. But the recon,

1:10:51

how did that work working? Because

1:10:53

that seems potentially pretty dangerous. Yeah,

1:10:55

I mean it's been great training

1:10:57

for what I do now. It

1:10:59

was creeping around in bushes, basically

1:11:01

stalking people, and you know, some

1:11:03

of my best songs have come

1:11:05

as a result of that. Sure.

1:11:07

But their training, obviously, and then,

1:11:10

you know, the operational side of

1:11:12

reconnaissance is a very exciting job.

1:11:14

You're miles ahead of, you know,

1:11:16

the main, the main body of

1:11:18

your army. You're the eyes and

1:11:20

the ears of your army. go

1:11:22

out to be unseen to find

1:11:24

an enemy to target and locate

1:11:26

an enemy and then you know

1:11:28

an array of different jobs come

1:11:30

in from that whether you're just

1:11:32

passing back information or whether then

1:11:35

you're calling in you know fast

1:11:37

air or some kind of um

1:11:39

you know some kind of overwatch

1:11:41

above you. So yeah, as jobs

1:11:43

go, it's a very exciting one

1:11:45

and you're potentially very dangerous. It

1:11:47

has some very funny moments along

1:11:49

the way. You know, you bump

1:11:51

into an enemy by mistake and

1:11:53

both sides have a panic is

1:11:55

a kind of hysterical moments and

1:11:57

then of course other times where

1:12:00

you locate an enemy. and do

1:12:02

a specific job and yeah and

1:12:04

it's and it's right at the

1:12:06

forefront of things. What is your

1:12:08

mode of transportation when you're doing

1:12:10

that? I mean how much is

1:12:12

on foot? Very small tanks they

1:12:14

look like tanks and and they're

1:12:16

very very small they fit three

1:12:18

people and and that's what we

1:12:20

will move in. I guess the

1:12:22

armor is only really good for

1:12:25

small arms fire you know for...

1:12:27

um, mortars, grenades, that kind of

1:12:29

thing. Um, and, uh, and the

1:12:31

most 70% of the time, you're

1:12:33

out of that and you're creeping

1:12:35

around in the bushes, um, on

1:12:37

your, um, feet and your belt

1:12:39

buckle. Did you, um, I hate

1:12:41

to get morbid here for a

1:12:43

second, but, uh, fresh off the,

1:12:45

uh, the, uh, bin Laden being

1:12:47

brought to justice. But... If you

1:12:50

creep over a hill and you

1:12:52

see the enemy bivwacked, do they

1:12:54

use that word in Britain? Bivwacked?

1:12:56

I like that. And you call

1:12:58

in their coordinates and you call

1:13:00

in an air strike, you realize

1:13:02

as you sit there up on

1:13:04

that hill that there's going to

1:13:06

be these guys who are either

1:13:08

sleeping or eating breakfast or taking

1:13:10

a leak are going to be

1:13:12

dead in 20 minutes. Is that

1:13:15

weird? Is that surreal? Does it

1:13:17

bother you? Or does it go

1:13:19

down that way? For me I

1:13:21

think I was fortunate to be

1:13:23

in... what I understood to be

1:13:25

the right war. I was involved

1:13:27

in the Kosovo conflict in 99.

1:13:29

The Serbs were murdering the Kosovo

1:13:31

Albanians by their thousands, really. They

1:13:33

were getting in there using their

1:13:35

army to just murder civilians in

1:13:37

the most gruesome and imaginative ways

1:13:40

possible. We went and spoke to

1:13:42

them and we pushed them to

1:13:44

stop murdering people and they continued.

1:13:46

And they did so with, you

1:13:48

know, great ferocity and knowing exactly

1:13:50

what... they were doing. And so

1:13:52

eventually we said, if you don't

1:13:54

stop murdering these people, then we're

1:13:56

going to come in and we're

1:13:58

going to use force against you.

1:14:00

And they said, fine, do that.

1:14:02

And so whenever we were doing,

1:14:05

you know, we're acting against them

1:14:07

in an aggressive manner, what we

1:14:09

were doing was we were stopping

1:14:11

them murdering people. So it felt

1:14:13

entirely justified. Yeah, well now I'm

1:14:15

all for good war and you

1:14:17

know the promise is there's a

1:14:19

lot of fog and gray area

1:14:21

that seems to have blown in.

1:14:23

It used to be so. You

1:14:25

know and war is a desperately

1:14:27

unpleasant place and for me this

1:14:30

you know the sadness was that

1:14:32

we had a chance to speak

1:14:34

to people and say let's you

1:14:36

know let's try and find our

1:14:38

common ground as humans as civilized

1:14:40

humans and and yet along the

1:14:42

way which was always surprising to

1:14:44

you know to anyone with a

1:14:46

clear mind is you meet people

1:14:48

who are totally inhumane who are

1:14:50

happy to other people as less

1:14:52

than human and yeah and to

1:14:54

inflict a pain suffering and death

1:14:56

on others and those people you

1:14:58

know then it's sad even have

1:15:00

to reach a stage of using

1:15:02

force against them. I feel that

1:15:04

way in a even a more

1:15:06

macro way which is I

1:15:08

as an adult am confused

1:15:10

and it's something I've been

1:15:13

wrestling with as thankfully my

1:15:15

situations aren't life and

1:15:17

death but I always

1:15:20

thought as educated right-thinking

1:15:22

English-speaking adults that I could

1:15:24

speak to another party and lay

1:15:27

out you know essentially say like you

1:15:29

guys said look we would love to

1:15:31

reach an agreement with you folks and

1:15:33

we would love to not have

1:15:35

to call in airstrikes and kill

1:15:37

you people and all we're asking

1:15:40

is that you do this and

1:15:42

As a kid, I thought adults

1:15:44

would go, okay, I hear what

1:15:46

you're saying, and we could do

1:15:48

this, but it doesn't seem to

1:15:50

work that way. It gets to

1:15:52

the point where you're calling in

1:15:54

a few hurricanes to lay down

1:15:56

some incendiary bombs, and I found

1:15:58

this even in business. quite

1:16:00

a bit and I can't understand it

1:16:02

for the life of me. I really

1:16:05

am confused by it and have you,

1:16:07

do you know what I'm talking about

1:16:09

or am I just rambling here? I

1:16:11

see that in everyday life and I

1:16:14

think it's a strange thing. I think

1:16:16

we talk about humans as civilized and

1:16:18

we expect ourselves to be and I

1:16:21

think we're closer to animals than we

1:16:23

necessarily think. And yeah, and you know,

1:16:25

as you say in business, it's a

1:16:27

weird thing. People, you know, are greedy

1:16:30

and want to take more from their

1:16:32

neighbor one more than their neighbor. Actually,

1:16:34

what you should really want is you

1:16:37

probably want to have the same amount

1:16:39

as your neighbor's not. aggressive or threatened

1:16:41

by you or jealous of you and

1:16:43

not nor you of him instead you're

1:16:46

going to be in balance and harmony

1:16:48

and so yeah if I was to

1:16:50

sell anything to anyone I would want

1:16:53

to sell it for the right price

1:16:55

so that they're happy as well as

1:16:57

I'm happy so that we all can

1:17:00

look each other in the eye and

1:17:02

live in a neighborly fashion. I had

1:17:04

this situation with my book publisher who's

1:17:06

Well, there's Crown and then there's Random

1:17:09

House. And I came to them with

1:17:11

this proposal that was wildly equitable, and

1:17:13

I just said, you know, I'll do

1:17:16

a second audio book, and the first

1:17:18

audio book was really successful, and I'll

1:17:20

do a second one, and we'll split

1:17:22

the profits down the middle, and they

1:17:25

ended up getting sort of nitpicky about

1:17:27

something. And I said, look, we'll either

1:17:29

split it 50-50 or we'll not do

1:17:32

it at all, and then we'll have

1:17:34

no money. Fine. And I said, really?

1:17:36

And they were like, yeah. And that

1:17:38

was the end of that. And I

1:17:41

just sort of got off the phone

1:17:43

and thought, what the fuck is going

1:17:45

on? There's a lot of this that's

1:17:48

going on. I mean, whether it's the

1:17:50

Kosovos or whoever you're bombing over there,

1:17:52

saying, who'd you bomb over there? I'm

1:17:55

the Serbs. The Serbs, sort of drawing

1:17:57

a line in the sand and then

1:17:59

going to get slaughtered by a couple

1:18:01

tornadoes. Or... it's a random house going

1:18:04

fine we'll take half of nothing it's

1:18:06

weird it's like what why we do

1:18:08

what where's the pride coming in i

1:18:11

understand there's something called pride but you're

1:18:13

getting slaughtered now or you're getting zero

1:18:15

money where's how's that factor in yeah

1:18:17

no it can be a crazy crazy

1:18:20

world i i i think i wanted

1:18:22

the title of my next book to

1:18:24

be i had no idea adults would

1:18:27

be this dumb Like, when you were

1:18:29

a kid, didn't you just think adults

1:18:31

were smart? Yeah, no, I think we

1:18:34

all children thought they were just confusing.

1:18:36

I thought they... Which is kind of

1:18:38

true. I thought they knew something that

1:18:40

I didn't know, and now that I've

1:18:43

become an adult, and I hang around

1:18:45

with adults, I can't believe how dumb

1:18:47

most adults are. That's the thing that's

1:18:50

a revelation to me in my adult

1:18:52

life. Uh-oh,

1:18:55

James, James rose up for a

1:18:57

second or maybe I... Well, I

1:18:59

suppose that's why nowadays we're using

1:19:02

the children and... well, that's why

1:19:04

we hear the honesty of children

1:19:06

now is knowing. Yeah, from the

1:19:08

mouth of babes. So, uh, James,

1:19:11

how does this... how does your

1:19:13

career arc go? You're in the

1:19:15

military, you're pilot, at least a

1:19:17

civilian pilot. You love... You you

1:19:20

love flying I don't know if

1:19:22

you still fly today. Do you

1:19:24

still do you still? We got

1:19:26

a we got a little screw

1:19:29

up going on with our Skype

1:19:31

by the way Dawson has Skype

1:19:33

ever worked? I don't think so

1:19:35

I don't think it's ever worked.

1:19:38

It's the it's the weirdest I

1:19:40

used it There's James. I used

1:19:42

to do it in my live

1:19:44

show. I don't know if James

1:19:47

can hear me. We tried it

1:19:49

about 10 times and it never

1:19:51

worked. And we'd Skype in a

1:19:53

guest on my live show, but

1:19:56

it would never work. And then

1:19:58

Donnie, every time we'd do the

1:20:00

show would go, hey, do you

1:20:02

want to do? Skype and I'd

1:20:05

go yes I would love to

1:20:07

except for it's never work I

1:20:09

think it also has to do

1:20:11

with the internet capabilities of this

1:20:14

warehouse no because we do it

1:20:16

on the road all over the

1:20:18

country and it never it never

1:20:20

worked James can you hear me

1:20:23

sorry for me yeah can for

1:20:25

me the greatest disappointment with Skype

1:20:27

is you know you always said

1:20:29

other Skype dates so you can

1:20:32

have Skype sex that's when it

1:20:34

always crashes and just as you

1:20:36

get into the nitty gritty that's

1:20:38

when it goes wrong I'm glad

1:20:41

you have frustration from it. I've

1:20:43

got room service coming. Oh, you

1:20:45

got room service coming. Well, this

1:20:47

will be fun. Now, here's the

1:20:50

thing I don't like about room

1:20:52

service. They build in the tip,

1:20:54

but then you have to tip

1:20:56

the guy. And James, give him

1:20:59

a hundred bucks. Hey, this guy

1:21:01

sold 18 million albums, sir. 18

1:21:03

million. And he gets $10 for

1:21:05

every unit. Let's see what James

1:21:08

Blunt ordered for lunch, I'm guessing.

1:21:10

Here, let me sign that. Sir,

1:21:12

what did he write in for

1:21:14

a tip? Tell us what he

1:21:17

gives you for a tip. How

1:21:19

much is gratuity subtotal? I think

1:21:21

it's, there's no tip included. 15%.

1:21:23

15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%.

1:21:26

15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%. 15%.

1:21:28

15%. 15%. 15%. Okay, well, you

1:21:30

know, I'll give a secret amount

1:21:32

on top. All right. Thank you

1:21:35

very much, sir. All right, he

1:21:37

seems he seems happy. He's going

1:21:39

to go hammer that. Now, what

1:21:41

is your order, James? Thank you.

1:21:44

Okay, thank you so much. Bye-bye.

1:21:46

Uh-oh, froze up again. James, they

1:21:48

give you the sweet when you

1:21:50

perform, and then you just sit

1:21:53

alone in this big sweet, you

1:21:55

don't really know what to do

1:21:57

with yourself, right? Well, I'm not

1:21:59

alone. I've got you. I've got

1:22:02

chicken wings. That's always good for

1:22:04

the voice. Well, actually, I'm doing

1:22:06

a book called Wings of the

1:22:08

World. Ah, where you travel around

1:22:10

and sample the wings. Wherever I

1:22:13

am, I check out the wings.

1:22:15

I love that. Yeah, I'm in

1:22:17

fact, I don't know if you'll

1:22:19

be able to see on my

1:22:21

phone, in fact, I have a picture

1:22:24

of the best wings I've ever

1:22:26

found. Where was that? Oh well

1:22:28

that makes sense. It makes sense. You

1:22:30

know the thing that's funny about the

1:22:33

wings is they serve you the wings

1:22:35

which is the most unhealthy thing on

1:22:37

the planet and then they always give

1:22:40

you a piece of celery and a

1:22:42

carrot stick too as if somehow that's

1:22:44

going to balance it out. Yep.

1:22:46

That's always give you that and

1:22:49

it's weird because your mouth is

1:22:51

never simultaneously eaten two things that

1:22:53

are as good and as bad

1:22:55

for you in the same bite.

1:22:57

Well, I can tell you I

1:22:59

live on chicken wings every single

1:23:02

day of my life, and I'm

1:23:04

the picture of health I know,

1:23:06

but I think that's all just genetics

1:23:08

Thank you I know people should

1:23:10

I'm testing it to the limit

1:23:13

anyway. Yeah, so you do the

1:23:15

show Tonight I'll let you get

1:23:17

your wings in a second because

1:23:20

I know it's hard to stare

1:23:22

at food you you get out of

1:23:24

the military and Then what?

1:23:26

Well, you know, my last, actually was my

1:23:28

last job in the army, I was then

1:23:31

starting to play in London. My last job

1:23:33

in the army was the Queen's bodyguard, and

1:23:35

that was on a horse when she was

1:23:37

out in her carriage. I've been a guy

1:23:39

riding beside her with a helmet and a

1:23:42

plume and a sword and an armour. Wow.

1:23:44

Ride long and so you would have seen

1:23:46

lots of those guys at the wedding. Right.

1:23:48

Riding beside the various carriages. And so that

1:23:50

was my job for the last two years

1:23:53

and I was based in London so it

1:23:55

gave me the chance to play some concerts

1:23:57

in London in these small bars. And um...

1:23:59

And you know I was slowly building

1:24:02

up songs and the thing that really

1:24:04

happened for me is I met a

1:24:06

great great manager and everyone asked me

1:24:09

how do you get into the music

1:24:11

business how do you do your thing

1:24:13

and they talk about you know whichever

1:24:15

record label I've been signed to but

1:24:18

you know it's management to make it

1:24:20

work for you because it means I

1:24:22

can be a musician and then I

1:24:25

can get a manager who deals with

1:24:27

the business side and he happened to

1:24:29

be part of a firm who managed

1:24:32

Elton John. And so that's a good

1:24:34

connection to have straight away. So I

1:24:36

did a couple of tours with Elton

1:24:38

John. And then I was in South

1:24:41

by Southwest at the festival in Texas.

1:24:43

And I played on the 20th floor

1:24:45

of, I think, some dodgy hotel at

1:24:48

the Ramada Hotel. And this woman walked

1:24:50

out to me and said, I'm a

1:24:52

woman called Linda Perry. from Four Non

1:24:55

Blonds. And I want to sign you

1:24:57

to on my new record label. And

1:24:59

I said, you know, I had been

1:25:01

rejected by every UK record label. So

1:25:04

I said to her, where do I

1:25:06

sign? And I signed. We went and

1:25:08

got drunk. I went to Los Angeles.

1:25:11

I met a man called Tom Rothrock,

1:25:13

who produced Beck and Elliot Smith. And

1:25:15

the two of us sat in a

1:25:18

studio for four months just together, really.

1:25:20

And made a really innocent little album

1:25:22

called Back to Bedlam. And along the

1:25:24

way then, we put it out and

1:25:27

remarkably it sold a lot. Four non-blons

1:25:29

had that, what's going on song? Was

1:25:31

that their song? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah,

1:25:34

yeah, exactly. Yeah, there was four non-blons

1:25:36

and then there was a band called

1:25:38

Concrete Blond, which I always get confused

1:25:41

with my four non-blons. I noticed, and

1:25:43

when you said you're Garden the Queen,

1:25:45

you didn't mean Elton John, you were

1:25:47

talking about the Queen. I got a

1:25:50

little confusion, and that story. I've guarded

1:25:52

both. Although I probably wore frillier headgear

1:25:54

around Elton. I noticed you didn't give

1:25:57

him the Sir Elton, John. You're right

1:25:59

too. I'm glad you corrected me. You're

1:26:01

absolutely right too. How is that something

1:26:04

that's a bigger faux-paw on your side

1:26:06

of the pond? Because we do feel

1:26:08

as Americans that once... somebody is knighted

1:26:10

or once someone becomes a dame, we

1:26:13

need to make sure and put that

1:26:15

in front. Do you guys, are you

1:26:17

guys as careful about that as we

1:26:20

are? I think we probably are in

1:26:22

formal circles. You know, I think I'm,

1:26:24

I can, I think probably, you know,

1:26:26

having worked with him a lot and

1:26:29

having toured with him, I'm probably, I'm

1:26:31

more relaxed about it. I see. Yeah.

1:26:33

Do you feel... like elton again i'm

1:26:36

putting i'll put words in your mouth

1:26:38

i feel like elton john is immensely

1:26:40

talented and is somehow eclipsed his own

1:26:43

talent by being sort of controversial and

1:26:45

out there and getting in the press

1:26:47

for the wrong reason perhaps on occasion

1:26:49

but when you really just distill it

1:26:52

down he's a great songwriter great musician

1:26:54

great voice right that somehow has somehow

1:26:56

managed to overshadow him, his own talent

1:26:59

in a weird way. Do you know

1:27:01

what I'm saying? I think in many

1:27:03

ways, almost anyone as talented and successful

1:27:06

as him always has a moment of

1:27:08

being overshadowed by what the media pick

1:27:10

up on. You know, even Lady Gagga

1:27:12

now, we're just talking about the meat

1:27:15

thing that she's wearing on what outfits

1:27:17

she's wearing. And you know, we don't

1:27:19

really even talk about... Yeah,

1:27:22

I agree, but it becomes weird because

1:27:24

you realize these guys are, as you

1:27:26

say, the controversies, and as you say,

1:27:28

the controversies, and there's been one thing,

1:27:30

but as you say, everybody, I think,

1:27:33

knows, you know, a hand for his

1:27:35

songs and knows him for the talent

1:27:37

that he is. Yeah, I agree, but

1:27:39

it becomes weird because you realize these

1:27:41

guys are here because they're so incredibly

1:27:43

talented. and then somehow they at some

1:27:46

point they turn into I don't know

1:27:48

Elvis I mean even Elvis was able

1:27:50

to transcend his talent or you know

1:27:52

Liberace or Wayne Newton. I don't even

1:27:54

know if Wayne Newton has talent. The

1:27:56

point is, is even Elvis at the

1:27:59

end, people are like, ah, who the

1:28:01

hell, what the hell, that big fat

1:28:03

guy with the crazy outfits and all

1:28:05

that kind of stuff. And it's just,

1:28:07

it's just bizarre that there's a whole

1:28:09

generation that doesn't really know Elvis, the

1:28:12

songwriter, musician, performer, you know. Yeah, well

1:28:14

I guess perhaps what we do is

1:28:16

we focus so much in on the

1:28:18

personality rather than the talent, isn't, isn't

1:28:20

isn't it? you know and that the

1:28:22

whole notion of celebrity is a weird

1:28:25

world to focus in on these guys

1:28:27

who you know at the beginning they're

1:28:29

just very normal normal people with actually

1:28:31

a relatively simple job and you know

1:28:33

people are officially sometimes called me a

1:28:35

star and yet you know here I

1:28:38

am I'm just talking about myself whereas

1:28:40

there's a doctor out there who's saving

1:28:42

a life and a nurse who's saving

1:28:44

a life at this very moment while

1:28:46

I'm obsessing about myself and you know

1:28:48

a teacher who is educating a fireman

1:28:51

again saving a life an aid worker

1:28:53

and we should be calling these people

1:28:55

a stars we should be focusing on

1:28:57

them and we focus on something very

1:28:59

strange and I think we then create

1:29:01

a weird world for them to live

1:29:04

it. to go out on and let

1:29:06

you dive into those chicken wings. Because

1:29:08

I can smell them from where I'm

1:29:10

sitting and I know that feeling of

1:29:12

having a hot plate of grease in

1:29:14

front of me and not being able

1:29:17

to dig into it. That and the

1:29:19

screwed up Skype is going to be

1:29:21

enough for me. James Blunt everyone, some

1:29:23

kind of troubles, the name of his

1:29:25

third album, it is out as we

1:29:27

speak. You can head to his website

1:29:30

James blunt.com, you can Twitter him at

1:29:32

Dirty Lil Blunt, that's L blunt, that's

1:29:34

L. I'll blunt James always a delight.

1:29:36

It's a pleasure and I next time

1:29:38

when the Skype is working better I

1:29:40

will I will take my clothes off

1:29:43

for you and it'll be that much

1:29:45

more intimate but it's obviously going to

1:29:47

be trouble today. Thank you when you

1:29:49

blow through LA please stop by and

1:29:51

we'll have a hot plate of wings

1:29:53

waiting for you. I can't wait you

1:29:56

take care. Thank you the great James

1:29:58

Blunt. They're just better. The Brits are

1:30:00

just better than... They're just better. I

1:30:02

don't care if you can hear me

1:30:04

or not. They're just better people. It's

1:30:06

so delightful. All right, and you can

1:30:09

live off chicken wings and never get

1:30:11

fat. That is talent. All right, so

1:30:13

until next time, this is Adam Corolla

1:30:15

for James Blunt, saying mahalo. All

1:30:21

right, does Andrew's only appearance on the

1:30:23

Adam Carla show before his death? I

1:30:26

do need to apologize. I was quite

1:30:28

critical of his appreciation for movie Thor,

1:30:30

as he told Adam about. On a

1:30:33

later appearance, I made fun of him

1:30:35

like in the movie Thor. In retrospect,

1:30:37

of the early MCU, not so bad.

1:30:39

Kevina, uh, kind of rapidly. He has

1:30:42

a quite interesting film career and uh...

1:30:44

as a director, styles all over the

1:30:46

place. The eyebrows and the beard are

1:30:48

still kind of weird, but overall, not

1:30:51

so bad. All right, come over

1:30:53

our next flip today, we

1:30:55

have Adam Pearl Show 607,

1:30:57

Diane Hansen, Alsom Rosen, and

1:30:59

Brian Pishup, from 2011. Check it

1:31:02

out. Good day, Brian. I agree with

1:31:04

Paul Bryan. What? Good day, Allison

1:31:06

Rosen. I don't remember you saying

1:31:08

that at all. I agree. That sounds

1:31:11

like nothing you'd say. My new

1:31:13

favorite drop. We are doing some

1:31:15

renovations over here at Ace Broadcasting.

1:31:17

We'll keep you guys posted, chose

1:31:19

some pictures and all that kind

1:31:21

of stuff. So it's a little bit

1:31:23

loud. It's a little bit messy. It's

1:31:26

a little bit hot. It looks like

1:31:28

Dexter's Kill Room. Bear with us. Yeah,

1:31:30

it does have that look. getting my

1:31:32

hair cut today and you know I'm

1:31:34

very philosophical about the hair cuts because

1:31:36

my hair grows so fast that even

1:31:38

the worst haircut is about two and

1:31:41

a half well there is this weird

1:31:43

thing where as it's growing you're getting

1:31:45

used to the horrible cut and there's

1:31:47

a weird intersection where it even if

1:31:49

it doesn't grow out in ten days

1:31:51

you're used to looking at your shitty

1:31:53

haircut in ten days and they sort

1:31:55

of cross paths about nine or ten

1:31:58

days in and it doesn't bother you

1:32:00

so much and you almost don't want

1:32:02

to cut it again I feel like

1:32:04

this is no no you do never

1:32:06

that good okay this is an attack

1:32:08

right keep going No, no, I'm saying

1:32:11

this. I go, but I get my

1:32:13

hair cut and I'm always sort of

1:32:15

like, yeah, I don't give a shit.

1:32:17

And there's, you know, four Mexican ladies

1:32:19

at the model cuts. It's always great.

1:32:22

The name, by the way, anything that

1:32:24

has a name like Model or Superstar

1:32:26

or Pro in it, there's never, the

1:32:28

more that, if there's an auto dealership

1:32:30

called like Superstar used cars or something,

1:32:32

it's not like Superstar used cars or

1:32:35

something, like, it's not like, but so.

1:32:37

I go over there and it's always

1:32:39

like these five Mexican ladies and they're

1:32:41

all nice. Although ironically all have horrible

1:32:43

hair, which is kind of a weird

1:32:46

thing. You're kind of like, yeah. Yeah,

1:32:48

like that's their advertisement. Can't figure out

1:32:50

your own hair, huh? You're gonna work

1:32:52

on mine. There's not much they can

1:32:54

do. They get the clippers out. I

1:32:57

get my hair cut like a sheep

1:32:59

gets shorn, you know, it's just like,

1:33:01

this stuff just starts falling off in

1:33:03

my lap. And my lap. I've shown

1:33:05

up and I was like ready to

1:33:07

go but another guy showed up. and

1:33:10

he wanted he know he had one

1:33:12

lady he was waiting on she was

1:33:14

ready for me who was next but

1:33:16

he was waiting for her and it

1:33:18

was like he went in front of

1:33:21

me and it's a sort of weird

1:33:23

thing where people get a little too

1:33:25

involved especially 50 year old dudes about

1:33:27

their hair like oh yeah buddy you

1:33:29

make $42,000 a year you drive a

1:33:31

beat up Ford F-250 do you really

1:33:34

think the haircuts is that what's making

1:33:36

a break in you and so I

1:33:38

sit down in the chair in the

1:33:40

chair I feel like Alice in there

1:33:42

in a sports story. I'm getting the

1:33:45

haircut. Super invested and understanding every word

1:33:47

of it. Sweating. I'm getting my haircut.

1:33:49

I'm constantly bothered that they don't have

1:33:51

the battery operated shears because they have

1:33:53

the clippers. And the clipper has that.

1:33:56

cord and it's that cord that always

1:33:58

gets knotted up and twisted up. I

1:34:00

don't know why there's certain cords that

1:34:02

never happens to like fans. Fans have

1:34:04

cords that don't get knotted up but

1:34:06

telephones have cords and they get knotted

1:34:09

up and they get knotted up and

1:34:11

somehow those buzzer clipper things get all

1:34:13

knotted up. Anyway, they're always plugged in

1:34:15

a little bit too far to the

1:34:17

right and then when they come over

1:34:20

to buzz the left the left side

1:34:22

of my hair I have to contend

1:34:24

with it. they're pulling up a marlin

1:34:26

and they're trying to like untwist it

1:34:28

and apologize and it's sort of wacking

1:34:30

me in the face and I'm always

1:34:33

sort of like why don't you just

1:34:35

go ahead and get the battery operated

1:34:37

ones bitch they work just as good

1:34:39

they last the day I understand you

1:34:41

have to put him back in the

1:34:44

charger but it's not like you're ever

1:34:46

gonna exhaust the thing right in between

1:34:48

haircuts or wherever overnight whatever just drop

1:34:50

it into the fucking little charger thing

1:34:52

and then total freedom Instead of me

1:34:55

getting smacked in the face with a

1:34:57

cord when you're working on the opposite

1:34:59

side of my head, but now, never,

1:35:01

that's never going to happen. I don't

1:35:03

care, it's 12 bucks. So I sit

1:35:05

down and I'm in my chair and

1:35:08

I'm reading my like summer movie preview.

1:35:10

Usually it's all just like Latin entrepreneur

1:35:12

magazines that I'm not interested in, but

1:35:14

every once in a while they'll have

1:35:16

some. you know sports illustrated that's nine

1:35:19

years old or something like that I'll

1:35:21

be thumbing thumbing through Cecil Fielders having

1:35:23

a good year and I'll be thumbing

1:35:25

through that thing you know new guy

1:35:27

new guy in the league named Brett

1:35:29

Fauvery so I'll be looking at that.

1:35:32

Watch out Magic Man. Yep and I

1:35:34

have a I have a Magicowski second

1:35:36

Don Magicowski references many days. Second two

1:35:38

weeks. So trying to turn it back

1:35:40

to something you understand are you. I

1:35:43

have my... hypervigilance disorder so when somebody

1:35:45

sits in the chair next to me

1:35:47

I have to sort of notice them

1:35:49

and I have to overhear the conversation

1:35:51

I don't want to but I have

1:35:54

to guy comes walking in no one's

1:35:56

gonna get this reference but he looks

1:35:58

like Dan Kearney Dan Gurney's a very

1:36:00

famous race car driver. Yeah, he had

1:36:02

a team race team won the Indy

1:36:04

500 a few times big big big

1:36:07

nice guy Great in an emergency Gurney

1:36:09

came in invented the Gurney bubble. He's

1:36:11

such a tall dude. Why is it

1:36:13

you always picked? Why is it you

1:36:15

pick a picture of Dan Gurney that

1:36:18

has a hand? Show that picture Dan

1:36:20

Gurney tell me if you can see

1:36:22

one lock of Dan Gurney's hair? No

1:36:24

That's the beauty. That's the beauty of

1:36:26

when I call out for somebody, they

1:36:29

always pick the worst possible example of

1:36:31

what I'm talking about. He looks like

1:36:33

Jessica Tandy. This is a very old

1:36:35

Dan Gurney with not a lock of

1:36:37

his silver hair showing, but the point

1:36:39

is, this guy looks like Dan Gurney.

1:36:42

circuit 1980 and he's a tall dude

1:36:44

and he's gray hair and he's probably

1:36:46

60 years old and he sits in

1:36:48

the chair next to mine. Thankfully there's

1:36:50

a nice space of about good 8

1:36:53

10 feet between the chairs and he

1:36:55

sits down and it's just me and

1:36:57

him in the place and he starts

1:36:59

in with the you know you know

1:37:01

just the light on the top I'm

1:37:03

thin enough myself up here and I

1:37:06

sort of take this comment to now

1:37:08

look as he is a male pattern

1:37:10

baller and I sort of looked through

1:37:12

the reflection of my mirror on to

1:37:14

him, you know, because the good thing

1:37:17

about the barber shops, you can look,

1:37:19

you can bounce it off the mirror,

1:37:21

you know, bounce off, it looks like

1:37:23

she's got a pretty good head of

1:37:25

hair for a six year old dude.

1:37:28

And so she starts, there's Dan Kearney,

1:37:30

thank you. So she starts buzzing away

1:37:32

and clipping and then it kind of

1:37:34

stops and then there's maybe another little

1:37:36

back and forth of something. little language

1:37:38

barrier she's got a you know speaking

1:37:41

mostly Spanish and then all of a

1:37:43

sudden I just hear him go well

1:37:45

that's great okay you know what stop

1:37:47

just stop that that's that that's that

1:37:49

but that's quite enough okay I'm just

1:37:52

gonna leave now I you know what

1:37:54

and she's doing like sir sir is

1:37:56

there anything we can now you've done

1:37:58

enough damage for today I am literally

1:38:00

attempting to bury my fate. My nose

1:38:02

actually popped through the other side of

1:38:05

the sports illustrate. You have a staveler

1:38:07

in your nostril. Yeah, like I just

1:38:09

ran, mashed it, breaking off pieces, rolling

1:38:11

it up, and shoving it in my

1:38:13

ears. And he's getting louder. You've done

1:38:16

enough. You've done quite enough. And I

1:38:18

feel sorry for the poor lady, by the

1:38:20

way. you know, 55-year-old Hispanic woman bleach

1:38:22

blonde Marilyn Monroe hair that looks like

1:38:24

it's been raped by a hair dryer

1:38:26

and the sun, like down to her

1:38:29

waist, just the worst example of... If

1:38:31

a guy said he was going to

1:38:33

customize your car and he pulled up

1:38:35

in a car version of her hair,

1:38:37

you push it off a fucking clef,

1:38:40

you know. And she's like, sir, sir,

1:38:42

I feel bad, sir, is there anything

1:38:44

we can do? I misunderstood you. And

1:38:46

he's like, no, you've done enough, you've

1:38:48

done quite enough, no, I'll thank you,

1:38:50

thank you, I'll just, and then there's

1:38:53

this uncomfortable and we've all had this,

1:38:55

it's the, it's the, it's the

1:38:57

haircut equivalent to the guy who

1:39:00

goes, this interview's over and then he

1:39:02

stands up and he's got his Mike.

1:39:04

on clipped on to him and it's

1:39:07

running through a shirt and wrapped around

1:39:09

his belt bug. Okay, this interview's over

1:39:11

and then he starts fighting

1:39:13

with the mic cord. I'll be

1:39:16

storming out in approximately 15 minutes.

1:39:18

Yes, Morley, you'll probably be dead

1:39:20

by the time I get this

1:39:22

mic undone, but let it take

1:39:24

this to your grave. I've had

1:39:26

enough of this interview and then

1:39:29

say interview. He stands up. He's

1:39:31

got his... weird, you know, he's

1:39:33

slicker on, you know, his hair,

1:39:35

his hair smock thing, and he's

1:39:37

like, you know what, enough, enough,

1:39:39

and he starts to leave and

1:39:42

his cape swings around and now

1:39:44

he's having difficulty undoing

1:39:46

his cape, his cape, his cape,

1:39:48

his cape, his cape, I've, you've

1:39:50

done enough, and she's like, sir,

1:39:52

let me help, no, you've done

1:39:54

quite enough damage for today, but

1:39:56

it's like he can't leave with

1:39:58

his hair, you know. party, you

1:40:00

hate them, and you've had enough of

1:40:03

their shenanigans, and then you'll come back

1:40:05

10 minutes later. Okay, I forgot my

1:40:07

purse. You know, it's like that guy.

1:40:09

Who's got the red Honda? Right, right.

1:40:12

That's essentially what it is. I guess

1:40:14

I will take those leftovers. I'm just

1:40:16

like sitting there and there's, first off,

1:40:18

his hair looks fine. He's like, right,

1:40:21

right. He's like... I don't know, 60

1:40:23

and obviously... He's not Mark Fuckin' Cuban

1:40:25

or he wouldn't be at model cuts.

1:40:27

Things aren't going well for him. We're

1:40:29

both sitting at model cuts. It's the

1:40:32

middle of the week. It's the middle

1:40:34

of the fucking day. I guarantee I'm

1:40:36

the richest guy in that place. No

1:40:38

one goes and gets a $12 haircut

1:40:41

unless they have to. I'm the only

1:40:43

guy stupid enough. Or really just doesn't

1:40:45

give a shit enough. I have hats,

1:40:47

I'm married, what do I give a

1:40:49

fuck for? An $80 haircut for me

1:40:52

is throwing your money away. It's just,

1:40:54

you know, shaving your dog's ass for

1:40:56

80 bucks. It's just not, there's nothing

1:40:58

you can do to make it better

1:41:01

or make it worse, really. And it

1:41:03

grows so fast I don't give a

1:41:05

shit, but... Shaving your dog's ass? Yes.

1:41:07

It's an interesting colloquialism. Thank you. So

1:41:10

this dog, this guy. This guy first

1:41:12

of looks fine. Secondly, I don't know

1:41:14

where the fuck he's going. Thirdly, he's

1:41:16

not like a rich guy. I don't

1:41:18

know who he's like he's I'm going

1:41:21

out with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model

1:41:23

tonight. Now you've just you've ruined the

1:41:25

whole deal. I'm only gonna get a

1:41:27

hand job at this point. She cut

1:41:30

his hair and his mojo. Right. And

1:41:32

so he's announced that this is never

1:41:34

gonna work. You know, like I want

1:41:36

to Jump in and sort of defend

1:41:38

I don't know what I I don't

1:41:41

know what protocol is. I don't know

1:41:43

what to say I all I it's

1:41:45

also weird to not notice Like there's

1:41:47

a part in part where it gets

1:41:50

so loud and so over the top

1:41:52

where that if you're never your gaze

1:41:54

never goes over there now you're intentionally

1:41:56

not noticing which it's its own thing

1:41:59

you know but then I think who

1:42:01

the fucking how does this work? Like

1:42:03

where you get to get really loud

1:42:05

and you get to get and she's

1:42:07

holding up the mirror saying do you

1:42:10

want to look at the back I

1:42:12

love the fact that that you want

1:42:14

to look at the back thing is

1:42:16

so built into these people even when

1:42:19

the guy's getting up and wrestling with

1:42:21

his smock she's like look at the

1:42:23

back I by the way declined to

1:42:25

look at the back I'm always like

1:42:28

first off if you think it's fine

1:42:30

it's fine secondly I've never looked at

1:42:32

the back and been either been delighted

1:42:34

You're devastated. I've always just looked at

1:42:36

the back and went, eh, let's, that's

1:42:39

kind of like a front, but with

1:42:41

more and less face. That's exactly what

1:42:43

I pictured the back of my head

1:42:45

to look like, so I'm about right

1:42:48

there. And then thirdly, what if you

1:42:50

did fuck it up? What choices would

1:42:52

we have? To add more hair? There's

1:42:54

really nothing I can do, but look

1:42:56

at the back, and all you do

1:42:59

is nod, ah, yeah, yeah. It's just

1:43:01

what it's to partially by the side

1:43:03

of the hair-cutting plate. There's nothing. So

1:43:05

now I just you know what? Let's

1:43:08

let's drop the charade. I don't need

1:43:10

to look at the back. You don't

1:43:12

need to hold the mirror. Oh, by

1:43:14

the way, there's mock. That's on Ventura

1:43:17

Boulevard. It's the, oh, sorry, I lied,

1:43:19

it's 1299. As you had described. Yeah,

1:43:21

it's 1299. Although when you factor in

1:43:23

the $61 parking ticket, usually get in

1:43:25

front of the place, then it becomes

1:43:28

almost $100. With that price you could

1:43:30

get frost and tipped. So, I, so

1:43:32

the guy stands up, he's fighting with

1:43:34

this mock. She's holding the mirror. He

1:43:37

looks fine to me. I don't know

1:43:39

what to say. I say nothing. He

1:43:41

then starts to storm out, then insists

1:43:43

on paying, but only has like $20

1:43:46

and obviously doesn't want a tip on

1:43:48

the... You know, so now he's got

1:43:50

to wait for change while he's indignant,

1:43:52

you know, and now she's... looking for

1:43:54

change and I thought what is this

1:43:57

and why do I have to get

1:43:59

dragged into this and who are these

1:44:01

people and where is it and this

1:44:03

guy 60 was he this way at

1:44:06

19 and is he gonna be this

1:44:08

way at 99 like What the fuck?

1:44:10

And listen everybody, you having a bad

1:44:12

experience is fine. Could you please not

1:44:14

drag the rest of the world into

1:44:17

it? You understand my haircut is being

1:44:19

destroyed by your haircut that you think

1:44:21

was destroyed even though? You're relaxing spa

1:44:23

day. Isn't relaxing no more? Speaking of

1:44:26

protocol, who, once he leaves, who breaks

1:44:28

the silence? Right. And because then they're

1:44:30

all like, you're a really good customer,

1:44:32

right? I have to do that, you

1:44:35

know, I have to do that under

1:44:37

the breath. of it's not it's noncommittal

1:44:39

you know he looked okay from here

1:44:41

I don't know about that and then

1:44:43

every once while you can do the

1:44:46

takes all kinds and baby Eva's bottle

1:44:48

yeah cyber cyber atom I for every

1:44:50

I could I could do like I

1:44:52

could go pinch a loaf and take

1:44:55

nine calls with Brian just doing this

1:44:57

that's why you get the big bar

1:44:59

yeah I've never pitched a fit anywhere

1:45:01

he's a big boy with people that

1:45:03

aren't my immediate immediate family Meaning I've

1:45:06

had a tantrum in front of my

1:45:08

family, but I've never, and I've definitely

1:45:10

had haircuts that have upset me for

1:45:12

days. Well, the last one I pitched

1:45:15

was at McCarran Airport, but the only

1:45:17

person that was there to hear it

1:45:19

was the heads at Easter Island. who

1:45:21

were behind the counter, and then the

1:45:24

poor goth chick who was already crying

1:45:26

because she had not been let on

1:45:28

the plane because a friend of her,

1:45:30

I think it was like a bereavement

1:45:32

fair or something, somebody was being buried

1:45:35

in L.A. the following morning and they

1:45:37

were like, shove off, bitch. And she's

1:45:39

like, my friend died and I'm going

1:45:41

to L.A. And they're like, yeah, shove

1:45:44

off. What are you going to do?

1:45:46

What are you going to do? All

1:45:48

right, so that was my lovely haircut.

1:45:50

And again, if you're going to storm

1:45:53

off, make sure the smock and or

1:45:55

the microphone is removed first. Is removed

1:45:57

first. So you really have no idea

1:45:59

what... His hair looked totally fine to

1:46:01

you. First off, he had old man

1:46:04

hair, like just sort of that all

1:46:06

gray, sort of straight, weird, old guy

1:46:08

hair. And then secondly, he. it looked

1:46:10

like a normal hair cat to me

1:46:13

like it wasn't like oh Jesus Christ

1:46:15

that she missed on that one or

1:46:17

something doesn't anything going on he he

1:46:19

clearly came in with some ideas my

1:46:21

you know my ideas are always just

1:46:24

whatever it is now make it about

1:46:26

40% shorter and will be cool and

1:46:28

clean up that weird hair stuff on

1:46:30

the back of my neck but other

1:46:33

than that we don't have anything that

1:46:35

to talk about, but he had ideas

1:46:37

of what he wanted done with his

1:46:39

hair. He probably gave them a picture

1:46:42

of Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, but circuit friends.

1:46:44

The Rachel. Yeah, the Rachel. Yeah. First

1:46:46

off, it's a fucking 1299 haircut. Who

1:46:48

do you think you're going to Jose

1:46:50

Ebert? Like fucking what? All right. I

1:46:53

would have gone with a dude or

1:46:55

are you gay on that one? All

1:46:57

right, the point is, the guy was

1:46:59

hot for a while, the point is,

1:47:02

is, if you're paying well, if you're

1:47:04

probably well under $15 for your hair

1:47:06

cut and it's 2011, you shouldn't have

1:47:08

a laundry list of demands. Right. Come

1:47:11

on, find me picture Jose with the

1:47:13

ponytail and the weird bent up cowboy

1:47:15

hat. And the silver turquoise jewelry. Yeah,

1:47:17

he was one of the, or he

1:47:19

was one of the pioneers of that

1:47:22

weird starched bent up cowboy hat. I'm

1:47:24

just excited because the listeners don't know.

1:47:26

You come into the show usually with

1:47:28

a note or two about what to

1:47:31

talk about. You have a haircut and

1:47:33

underneath that and in big letters, inexcess.

1:47:35

Oh. Yeah, there's Jose. Yeah. Holding a

1:47:37

dilda. Yeah, you'll be sadballed Brian, but

1:47:39

I I just I just put the

1:47:42

I'm not going to get too much

1:47:44

in excess You can say like those

1:47:46

guys, but I did have the you

1:47:48

know I had the 80s channel just

1:47:51

sort of going throughout the house like

1:47:53

on the satellite radio whatever and I

1:47:55

took a nap my wife took a

1:47:57

nap and we both got up and

1:48:00

we walked downstairs and we heard that

1:48:02

didn't It's party here. This is what

1:48:04

it is. What is the party here?

1:48:06

And at a certain point, I just,

1:48:08

I said to my wife, you know

1:48:11

that thing when you wake up from

1:48:13

a nap and you're sort of pre-anoid?

1:48:15

Yes. Everything's easy to get on your

1:48:17

last nerve? I just saw my wife

1:48:20

and I said, how bad at least

1:48:22

this song suck? And she went, oh

1:48:24

my god, it sucks. And I was

1:48:26

like, I know, in excess sucks so

1:48:28

much. You know your vows? And like,

1:48:31

I understand fast songs. I understand songs

1:48:33

when you just want to fucking rock

1:48:35

out and understand songs that are slow

1:48:37

and melodic where you just want to

1:48:40

cry and they just, all moody and

1:48:42

everything. I don't understand the in- Wait,

1:48:45

is this play the is this

1:48:47

a party here? That's what it

1:48:49

is or what's the fucking name

1:48:51

of that? Fucking piece of cat

1:48:53

shit and I like in excess,

1:48:56

but they're fucking horrible And then

1:48:58

I started thinking you know what?

1:49:00

If their lead singer Michael Hutchins,

1:49:02

if he wasn't even look like

1:49:04

a like a nagal painting in

1:49:06

1986 this band would be nothing.

1:49:08

Yeah, they're fucking horrible and no

1:49:10

band has had less They have

1:49:13

no musical anything. He talks, he

1:49:15

talks the whole fucking day. And

1:49:17

it's always like, if I ever

1:49:19

heard any excess, I'd go, this

1:49:21

is a good demo tape. Now

1:49:23

let's go into the studio and

1:49:25

finish the song and then go,

1:49:28

what are you talking about? We're

1:49:30

done. And I'd go, what do

1:49:32

you mean? This is a scratch

1:49:34

track, right? You made this in

1:49:36

your basement, right? Yeah,

1:49:40

this song is grating and the

1:49:42

thing is it's it's a nowhere

1:49:44

song Yeah, it's not fast. It's

1:49:46

not slow It doesn't have a

1:49:49

cool groove. It has nothing. It's

1:49:51

just there's a party here. That's

1:49:53

what this is what they say

1:49:55

it's a great groove It's a

1:49:57

fucking horrible piece of shit unmolotic

1:50:00

just empty. It's an empty song

1:50:02

piece of fucking styrofoam packing. It's

1:50:04

got bad sacks, everything's bad. All

1:50:06

that's- It's the same song, by

1:50:09

the way. It's, where's the rest

1:50:11

of the instruments? And it says,

1:50:13

there's fucking gate guys in the

1:50:15

band. How many of them play

1:50:17

the tamboreen? He's no Jesus, Jones.

1:50:20

Why you said it's subjective and

1:50:22

you're entitled to your opinion, but

1:50:24

no groove, this is a great

1:50:26

groove. And then this part just

1:50:29

never answers a party here. That's

1:50:31

what it is. What's he saying?

1:50:33

He's saying, that's right. Oh, it's

1:50:35

what? This, oh. Oh, well you

1:50:37

just hate this ass. It's just.

1:50:40

No, it's soulless. It's just a

1:50:42

piece of shit song. It's just

1:50:44

such a zero. In excess is

1:50:46

such a shitty band. I defy

1:50:49

to find a shittier musical band

1:50:51

that's had more hits than in

1:50:53

excess. Musically, they're fucking horrible. We

1:50:55

couldn't be on opposite, more opposite

1:50:57

sides of the spectrum. Well first

1:51:00

off, he can't sing, he talks.

1:51:02

The sacks is this weird, screechy,

1:51:04

bad 80s piece of shit. I

1:51:10

don't know what to do

1:51:13

to it. It's like you

1:51:15

can't dance to it. You

1:51:18

fuck to it, Adam. You

1:51:20

fuck to it. You can

1:51:23

hide to it. You can't

1:51:25

karaoke it. No. It's not

1:51:28

a karaoke song. It's not

1:51:30

a driving song. Yeah, you

1:51:33

shop to it. It's it's

1:51:35

so soulless. It's fucking devoid

1:51:38

of a soul It's horrible.

1:51:40

Allison you were in a

1:51:42

band. It's fucking ridiculously bad.

1:51:45

It's not music It's very

1:51:47

synthesized. It's there's nothing to

1:51:50

it. It's zero It's you

1:51:52

know what it is? It's

1:51:55

a, it's a rice cake.

1:51:57

With just a little, I

1:52:00

can't believe it's not butter

1:52:02

sprayed on it. Just one,

1:52:05

I can't believe it's not,

1:52:07

just one spread. One half

1:52:10

a, that's it. That's it.

1:52:12

That's only 0.9 calories.

1:52:14

Nothing. Yeah. Speaking a process.

1:52:16

Nice guys, by the way, love

1:52:19

them dearly, but Jesus. Their music

1:52:21

is horrible. And the fact that

1:52:23

I've heard this song 200,000 times

1:52:25

is to fuck in travesty. It

1:52:27

gets played every 10 seconds on

1:52:29

the 80s channels. It's a piece of

1:52:31

shit. It's horrible. In excess, a horrible

1:52:33

band. All right, anyone, find me, find

1:52:35

me how many hits in excess of

1:52:37

that and then I defy to find

1:52:40

me a shittier band musically. Right. A

1:52:42

worst band that is at more hits.

1:52:44

I mean, you can say what you

1:52:46

want about Hall and Oates and Hall

1:52:48

Notes has a ton of shitty songs

1:52:50

that made it. But even Huey

1:52:52

Lewis is a fuller sound than this.

1:52:54

I don't know if it's better than

1:52:57

this. Yeah, I don't want to

1:52:59

listen to Huey Lewis. Where did

1:53:01

you put Robert Palmer? I am quite

1:53:03

familiar with annexes canon and you and

1:53:05

I cannot be on more opposite sides

1:53:07

of this this is that is that's

1:53:09

a band like horrible music you have

1:53:12

horrible taste right please annexes a piece

1:53:14

of shit man they get lumped in

1:53:16

with who with a lot of the

1:53:18

sort of synth pop bands of the

1:53:20

80s and I think they don't deserve

1:53:22

it at all they got great groos

1:53:24

and they uh a singer who talks

1:53:26

both all the songs sound alike and

1:53:29

I might have a half a song

1:53:31

of theirs I like anyway Let's talk

1:53:33

about happier things. Universal City

1:53:35

Walk this Thursday, Brian Cranston,

1:53:37

everyone. Ace Hotel, Palm Springs,

1:53:40

21st. That's the live podcast.

1:53:42

Queen Elizabeth Theatre, Toronto. All

1:53:45

right, Canada, I'm coming to

1:53:47

you, now buy some god-dam

1:53:49

tickets. That's this Friday, Burgado

1:53:52

Casino, Atlantic City. That is this

1:53:54

Saturday. House of Blues, Vegas. Coming

1:53:56

up on the 6th of August. And

1:53:59

I should tell... there. I have. I

1:54:01

like the lack of us. Lack of

1:54:03

you, I like the single show nights.

1:54:05

The two show nights are a little

1:54:08

bit rough, especially when they spread them

1:54:10

way out. Like they tell Mike August

1:54:12

the first shows at seven and the

1:54:15

first shows at eight. We get there

1:54:17

at 6.30 and then the second show

1:54:19

is supposed to start at 10, but

1:54:21

it starts at 10.30 and everyone's drunk

1:54:24

at the end of the thing and

1:54:26

ends up being three hours of me

1:54:28

standing there sort of sweating through my

1:54:30

shirt. But the one, in, in excess

1:54:33

had 17 billboard hits and in the

1:54:35

US and seven in the top 10.

1:54:37

That is a fucking travesty for a

1:54:40

horrible band. All right. Amazon. A lot

1:54:42

of people have been asking about Amazon.

1:54:44

They've been hearing the stories. Jerry Brown,

1:54:46

Governor Brown, signing legislation, blah blah blah

1:54:49

blah. Amazon pulling out affiliates program. Blah

1:54:51

blah blah blah blah. I have told

1:54:53

you that Amazon and our relationship with

1:54:56

Amazon has been fantastic and you guys

1:54:58

and coming through with your support for

1:55:00

this show through your support of Amazon

1:55:02

has been Better than we could have

1:55:05

ever even imagined and a lot of

1:55:07

people been asking on Twitter and the

1:55:09

message board and so and so forth

1:55:12

now What's going to happen with Amazon?

1:55:14

We struck a deal with Amazon We

1:55:16

have worked it out with Amazon. I

1:55:18

will not bore you with all the

1:55:21

details I will tell you business as

1:55:23

usual as far as you guys are

1:55:25

concerned with Amazon So again if you'd

1:55:28

like to support the show and you're

1:55:30

thinking about getting something on Amazon go

1:55:32

to Adam krolla.com and click on the

1:55:34

button there and you will be supporting

1:55:37

the show. It'll be in a slightly

1:55:39

different way because of the laws, but

1:55:41

you still will be supporting the show.

1:55:44

So as far as anyone who's listening,

1:55:46

who has any questions about us and

1:55:48

Amazon and supporting the show, all you

1:55:50

have to do is exactly what you

1:55:53

were doing two weeks ago, which was

1:55:55

perfect, and you keep it up and

1:55:57

we'll be in clover and you'll be

1:56:00

to support the show. All right and

1:56:02

speaking of that for those of you

1:56:04

who want to do the group on

1:56:06

thing and support the show through group

1:56:09

on which I've just been digging on

1:56:11

all the local things and all the

1:56:13

savings and all the stuff you can

1:56:16

use the group on link on our

1:56:18

website for group deals local to you.

1:56:20

Yes Brian did that last night. Usually.

1:56:22

Click. Now, no. Almost as good. Click

1:56:25

through the hairbone link. How dare you?

1:56:27

Mm-hmm. Clicked on the group on link

1:56:29

on our website and got a a

1:56:31

tasting gift card for wine tasting. Uh-huh.

1:56:34

Yeah. And throw through our side? Yeah,

1:56:36

it's really cool. For 10 bucks. I

1:56:38

think even a mouthy. My restaurant is

1:56:41

on that. That's out here. And then

1:56:43

wherever you're listening. There's some version of

1:56:45

that that that has to do with

1:56:47

wine or yogurt or yogurt or yogurt

1:56:50

or haircuts or haircuts or haircuts or

1:56:52

Italian or Italian food or Italian food

1:56:54

or massages or massages or massages or

1:56:57

massages or massages or cutages or cutages

1:56:59

or cutical pushes or whatever. Big Fat

1:57:01

old discount. All right, should we do

1:57:03

some news? Yeah, sure. Relationship calls? Yes,

1:57:06

Dawson. Are you better or worse than

1:57:08

in excess? Oh, much better. I don't

1:57:10

like R. M. I don't like R.

1:57:13

M. I don't like R. M. I

1:57:15

don't like R. M. But musically, they

1:57:17

have more hits. Oh, good. R. M.

1:57:19

has a lot of sort of bullshit

1:57:22

jack off songs. Like that stand song.

1:57:24

I do. Stand is a song where

1:57:26

they're sort of making fun of pop

1:57:29

songs or something or they haven't a

1:57:31

couple those songs They're sort of intentional

1:57:33

pop songs, but I I hate everyone

1:57:35

in R. M. But melotically much better

1:57:38

in N excess and excess is missing

1:57:40

instruments. It sounds like a scratch track

1:57:42

to me. I don't know have to

1:57:45

get into Robert Palmer and figure that

1:57:47

figure him out. All right. Do you

1:57:49

want to do a little bit of

1:57:51

news? Yeah Next to Donnie's minibikes, this

1:57:54

is the news with Allison Rosen. Adam,

1:57:56

your buddy, Roo, Dr. Drew, has said

1:57:58

that Slub Rehab is going on indefinite

1:58:01

hiatus after this season. Wow. I've heard

1:58:03

a couple different stories. about why this

1:58:05

is happening. The official word is that

1:58:07

he is just too busy because he

1:58:10

has, you know, a zillion shows. But

1:58:12

then the fix, which is a website

1:58:14

that focuses on the Friday end. No,

1:58:17

this is just one. One that leads

1:58:19

to another. Yeah. Is postulating that it's

1:58:21

because he is. you know, depressed over

1:58:23

the recent deaths of Mike Starr and

1:58:26

Jeff Conway and that it's becoming harder

1:58:28

and harder to get real celebrities on

1:58:30

the show. I had a nice moment

1:58:32

today. I was talking to a friend

1:58:35

of mine, a civilian friend of mine.

1:58:37

And have those? Yeah, I have a

1:58:39

couple civilian friends. It was about noon.

1:58:42

I know. Well, I'll try to keep

1:58:44

them in arms distance. That's why we

1:58:46

only talk over the phone. Right. I

1:58:48

have saw on a phone and it

1:58:51

was like that beep on the other

1:58:53

line and I took a look. Oh,

1:58:55

oh, NBC's calling. and I thought who

1:58:58

the fuck and you know my first

1:59:00

impulse is a I called someone an

1:59:02

asshole over there they're calling to settle

1:59:04

my hash and then my next impulse

1:59:07

was oh I think I'm doing Leno

1:59:09

next week and as a not a

1:59:11

bit but being a guest on Leno

1:59:14

and it's probably one of their one

1:59:16

of their segment producers and it's just

1:59:18

on the other phone side just so

1:59:20

hold on a second Dan click over

1:59:23

Adam it's Jay Leno on the other

1:59:25

line I say Jay what's going on

1:59:27

says hey I just just want to

1:59:30

congratulate you on the car show been

1:59:32

following it checking out commercials look funny

1:59:34

I've read a few reviews seems like

1:59:36

a good show I just want to

1:59:39

wish you look that's nice and I

1:59:41

know he's just one of those it's

1:59:43

why I say it every time about

1:59:46

Leno everyone I say it every time

1:59:48

about Leno I don't think Letterman would

1:59:50

just give you a buzz and say

1:59:52

kudos to you and wish you good

1:59:55

luck. I mean, he's very menchy that

1:59:57

way and like I said, you can

1:59:59

say whatever the fuck you want about

2:00:02

Jay Leno, but how many other guys

2:00:04

can you just call at 11 o'clock

2:00:06

in the, you know, on a Sunday

2:00:08

and go, I'm coming over and he

2:00:11

just goes, yeah, come over to a

2:00:13

shop and walk around with your kid

2:00:15

all day. Right. I mean, it's like,

2:00:18

there's like, there's no rules, there's no

2:00:20

rules, there's no rules, you. I just

2:00:22

want to tell you, cool, and show,

2:00:24

look school, and I'm looking forward to

2:00:27

it. And we'd talk for a couple

2:00:29

of beats, and I say, all right,

2:00:31

and I think I'll see you next

2:00:33

week. I don't think he knew I

2:00:36

was coming in next week, but I

2:00:38

said, I think I'll see you next

2:00:40

week. And he goes, oh, great. And

2:00:43

I hang up the phone. And my

2:00:45

friend, Dan. And about four minutes later,

2:00:47

phone rings over against a CNN. He

2:00:49

had our friend Paul for Cameron who's

2:00:52

a reporter over there and I had

2:00:54

to say I'm on the other line

2:00:56

but I talked to Drew for a

2:00:59

second and I come back but in

2:01:01

the in the span of about four

2:01:03

minutes I was like yeah sorry that

2:01:05

was the Leno yeah sorry that was

2:01:08

true I sounded cool right very cool

2:01:10

I'm just waiting for Kimmel to call

2:01:12

next I think he's with Howard Stern

2:01:15

at the Hamptons but I don't care

2:01:17

And speaking of a car show, thanks

2:01:19

for all the nice compliments people given

2:01:21

on the commercials and the spots they've

2:01:24

seen running and all that kind of

2:01:26

stuff and it will air on Wednesday

2:01:28

at 10 o'clock on speed if you're

2:01:31

interested in watching. My dad set the

2:01:33

DBR. I love him. He announced to

2:01:35

me. My dad too. I mentioned it

2:01:37

to Rub it in. I told my

2:01:40

dad, I told my dad, I told

2:01:42

my dad about it, I said two

2:01:44

strikes and one, don't like cars, second

2:01:47

you. Yeah, he's like, who's in this

2:01:49

show? No, seriously, that is two strikes,

2:01:51

that is cars and his son. Well,

2:01:53

you're almost doing topless. That's right. All

2:01:56

right, where were we? Well, we were

2:01:58

talking about your friend, Dr. Drew, Dr.

2:02:00

Drew. your famous friends. Yes. And celebrity

2:02:03

rehab is going on indefinite hiatus after

2:02:05

the season. Do you know anything about

2:02:07

why this is happening? Or what are

2:02:09

your theories? I know Drew has a

2:02:12

whole shit load of shows and I

2:02:14

know the way sometimes people do their

2:02:16

shows is they hedge them, which is

2:02:19

don't pull the plug on. this until

2:02:21

you figure out that's going to get

2:02:23

picked up for season two or to

2:02:25

find out we're getting traction with that

2:02:28

or if that works out so there's

2:02:30

this sort of thing where look I

2:02:32

can't do seven shows indefinitely but somebody

2:02:35

probably said it was probably my ex-manager

2:02:37

look let's do this let's see how

2:02:39

it's going over there on CNN or

2:02:41

whatever that I can't never figure out

2:02:44

the new network. H-L-N-H-L-N-L-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- that that show's

2:02:46

looking good and doing well. And that

2:02:48

life changers coming out which is a

2:02:50

television. And yeah and also he does,

2:02:53

Drew internalizes and carries that stuff around.

2:02:55

I mean Drew, you know, as I've

2:02:57

said many times, some cunt would come

2:03:00

backstage at some show we do at

2:03:02

the University of Bichica and she'd just

2:03:04

come back and she'd just come back

2:03:06

and she'd be some... I almost majored

2:03:09

there. Honchi molestation victim and she'd come

2:03:11

back there and she'd go, what makes

2:03:13

you think it's okay to give out,

2:03:16

to give out advice. people have families

2:03:18

and blah blah blah blah and I'd

2:03:20

like I'd like shove off bitch and

2:03:22

then we'd be going through the airport

2:03:25

the next morning Drew'd be like man

2:03:27

I wonder why she was so angry

2:03:29

at us and I'd be like she's

2:03:32

angry at her stepdad for molesting her

2:03:34

and he'd be like yeah but I

2:03:36

wish I could have explained her and

2:03:38

I'd be like oh fuck it who

2:03:41

cares you know yeah but I feel

2:03:43

bad that she felt like you know

2:03:45

so he really internal for celebrity rehab

2:03:48

Adam Carolla. Yeah Yeah, plenty plenty good

2:03:50

advice Just stop doing drugs save your

2:03:52

tears for someone it gives a shit

2:03:54

And by the way I'll throw in

2:03:57

the hole and crank in excess you

2:03:59

keep this up now Did you guys

2:04:01

did your shows go over well when

2:04:04

you performed at the University of Bichica?

2:04:06

All All our live shows went well

2:04:08

with the exception of, well we had

2:04:10

a couple of bad moments. College of

2:04:13

Fine Cuts. Yeah, when we were playing

2:04:15

the University of the labias over that,

2:04:17

wow, a million-old picture, yeah. The Volvitec,

2:04:20

the trade schools were never really good.

2:04:22

There's a graduate program. We were... I

2:04:24

think we were at Syracuse, which has

2:04:26

a big communications department, and everyone in

2:04:29

there was in the television, radio, whatever,

2:04:31

and at some point at the beginning

2:04:33

of the show, somebody said, what do

2:04:36

you think about getting into radio and

2:04:38

getting into television? What's the best way

2:04:40

to break in? And Drew just did

2:04:42

this, don't bother with the classes, and

2:04:45

don't bother with the programs, and don't

2:04:47

bother with it. And everybody, there's 2,000

2:04:49

people in there that were all communication,

2:04:51

television, television, television, radio majors. Don't just

2:04:54

go to a go to a radio

2:04:56

station start driving the van and in

2:04:58

turning don't even bother with all these

2:05:01

courses that he had no idea in

2:05:03

the room was like the life was

2:05:05

sucked out of it and I could

2:05:07

feel it but Drew never never could

2:05:10

yeah yeah it's about the only tough

2:05:12

time we had well a marine has

2:05:14

asked me liqueunis to the marine corps

2:05:17

ball on a YouTube video and she

2:05:19

accepted and we will watch the video

2:05:21

but while we're watching it I want

2:05:23

you to think about something, which I've

2:05:26

been thinking about, which is, did she

2:05:28

accept because it's sort of like when

2:05:30

you're at the grocery store and in

2:05:33

front of everyone, they're like, would you

2:05:35

like to donate a dollar to young

2:05:37

children suffering from something horrible? And you

2:05:39

feel like you have to. How did

2:05:42

she say no? Oh, the guy, the

2:05:44

guy at the bar, what if you

2:05:46

yelled no? Yeah. Right. Well, I think

2:05:49

we have the video. Yes, we do.

2:05:53

Hey, me, look, Sergeant Warren, that you

2:05:55

can call me Scott. I just want

2:05:57

to take a moment out of my

2:05:59

day, as soon as like you, as

2:06:01

the Green Corps ball. November 18th in

2:06:03

Greenville, North Carolina, but there's truly. So

2:06:05

take a second to think about it.

2:06:07

Get back to me. All right, bye

2:06:09

now. I have this close to raping you.

2:06:11

I stepped on a landmine moments

2:06:14

later. She said yes. Oh really? Yeah.

2:06:16

I've been thinking a lot about

2:06:18

Mila lately. Well, haven't we all?

2:06:21

She's one of these people really

2:06:23

nice. She's like a really sweet

2:06:25

person. When you see her in

2:06:27

real life, there's nothing there. There's

2:06:30

just it's just like a cute

2:06:32

cute little girl, right? But she's

2:06:34

all a five foot nothing and

2:06:36

a hundred nothing pounds Right. There's

2:06:38

not anything there. She photographs exceptionally

2:06:40

well and looks great on the

2:06:43

post There's no then there's people

2:06:45

when you see them in person. There's more

2:06:47

there than than you thought you saw in

2:06:49

the picture. She's just a lot of nothing

2:06:52

And not, I know it sounds like, in

2:06:54

a bad way, I just mean, I see

2:06:56

her, she'd do love line or I'd do

2:06:58

family guys. If your lions aren't on fire

2:07:01

when you see her in person. No, she's

2:07:03

like a little cute, little, she's like a

2:07:05

little sort of... She's definitely attractive, but she's

2:07:07

waifish, yes. She's not even, it's not even

2:07:09

waif, she's short. Like, I mean, like, she

2:07:12

literally, if she was working behind the counter

2:07:14

at a Zancu chicken and you walked in,

2:07:16

you wouldn't say anything. Like, you wouldn't. Versus,

2:07:18

if Gweneth Paltrow was, you'd be

2:07:21

like, hey, what are you doing

2:07:23

here? You know what I mean?

2:07:25

I'll get you into Playboy. Now,

2:07:28

it's funny, because I'm about to

2:07:30

bring up Macaulay Kalkin. Somebody just

2:07:32

brought a picture. And I haven't

2:07:34

been thinking about this. that

2:07:37

she's going to this they're

2:07:39

broken up they're broken or

2:07:41

just that she's everywhere the fact

2:07:43

that when he met her and and

2:07:46

when I when he when she did

2:07:48

love line she introduced me to him

2:07:50

like six years ago or whatever and

2:07:52

when I was doing the family guy

2:07:54

I think he was hanging out with

2:07:57

her and what have you but the

2:07:59

point is is By the way, they should

2:08:01

have kids that have amazing eyes.

2:08:03

The point is, is, you see

2:08:05

her in real life, parts are

2:08:07

Macaulay-Caulkin's five foot four, like there's

2:08:09

nothing to her in real life.

2:08:11

You just go, oh, those are

2:08:13

nice eyes, but there's not much,

2:08:16

but looks great on a poster,

2:08:18

and she's great. But from a

2:08:20

Macaulay-Caulkin's standpoint, the only thing worse

2:08:22

than you being a former superstar,

2:08:24

Big as big as big gets

2:08:26

at his peak easily one of

2:08:28

the top 10 stars in the

2:08:30

world easily easily at his peak

2:08:32

the only worse than that is

2:08:34

that the chick who was like

2:08:36

you know fifth fiddle on a

2:08:38

so so sitcom who's been canceled

2:08:40

who looks like she's gonna write

2:08:42

out the rest of her life

2:08:44

hammering checks and smoking pot with

2:08:46

you all the sudden just turns

2:08:49

in this big rompcom superstar right

2:08:51

and leaves you in the door

2:08:53

and now you're broken up like

2:08:55

the only thing worse than hey

2:08:57

i see me on every fucking

2:08:59

poster i mean her her chances

2:09:01

when she left that 70s show

2:09:03

she had a good four or

2:09:05

five years of not a lot

2:09:07

of not not a lot going

2:09:09

on and nobody was looking at

2:09:11

her going she you know she's

2:09:13

gonna be the next you know

2:09:15

Jennifer Anniston pow it's probably like

2:09:17

how it is for my ex-boyfriends

2:09:20

finding out that I'm on this

2:09:22

podcast it's like they can't even

2:09:24

go to iTunes and click something

2:09:26

and then something and get to

2:09:28

something and something and something and

2:09:30

something and something without finding their

2:09:32

face In this movie? Yeah. Oh

2:09:34

friends with benefits. Yeah, but it

2:09:36

turns out I feel like that's

2:09:38

complicated It turns out that after

2:09:40

you know Right after after the

2:09:42

coitus. Here's a prediction one of

2:09:44

them starts dating and the other

2:09:46

one gets a little jealous But

2:09:48

anyway at the end he just

2:09:50

kills her puts her in a

2:09:53

wood shipper. Do you think that

2:09:55

this movie? Which is a murder

2:09:57

mystery? but not a mystery will

2:09:59

finally answer the age-old question can

2:10:01

men men and women just be

2:10:03

friends, but also have sex doesn't

2:10:05

work. It never works. Here's why

2:10:07

it doesn't work. One or the

2:10:09

other and 99% of the time

2:10:11

it's the female, but one or

2:10:13

the others won't go. You'll never

2:10:15

get the two. It's like... If

2:10:17

the two of them really didn't

2:10:19

care that much, they wouldn't have

2:10:21

sex. I think that's the thing.

2:10:24

Right, right. It's basically like this.

2:10:26

It's like taking two Israelis, putting

2:10:28

them together and selling an apartment.

2:10:30

One of them's going to be

2:10:32

pissed. There's no there's no there's

2:10:34

it's impossible for it's possible for

2:10:36

the two Israelis to walk away

2:10:38

and both go I'm brimming with

2:10:40

satisfaction right it's it's mathematically impossible

2:10:42

right it's it's not their blood

2:10:44

right right because base I think

2:10:46

what happens in that situation is

2:10:48

one of them says I don't

2:10:50

want anything I just want to

2:10:52

be friends and have sex and

2:10:54

have sex just want to be

2:10:57

with the guy right and they

2:10:59

realize if they tell the guy

2:11:01

uh... sorry i need more than

2:11:03

that then they won't be able

2:11:05

to be intimate with him so

2:11:07

they think if i could be

2:11:09

intimate with him and i can

2:11:11

be in his proximity he will

2:11:13

come around the movies are bullshit

2:11:15

when it's just you know me

2:11:17

laconis doesn't really want bullshit she

2:11:19

would immediately be into him i'm

2:11:21

sure they'll do some sort of

2:11:23

twist where he's into her but

2:11:25

believe me there will be that

2:11:28

scene where One of them is

2:11:30

going on a date where she's

2:11:32

going on date and he's gonna,

2:11:34

he says, I don't care and

2:11:36

then he follows her. Right. All

2:11:38

right, here we go. Where are

2:11:40

we? What's happening? Well, Riverside County

2:11:42

politician Jeff Stone is suggesting that

2:11:44

California secede from the state of

2:11:46

California make a new state called

2:11:48

South California because he's tired of

2:11:50

this bullshit that Sacramento was peddling.

2:11:52

All of California should secede. All

2:11:54

we do is pay in a

2:11:56

ton of fucking tax dollars. We

2:11:58

don't get anything in return and

2:12:01

we're just big earners and we

2:12:03

just fucking spread it, spread it

2:12:05

around. rest of the country so

2:12:07

they can build their bridges. Well

2:12:09

he feels that Riverside, Fresno, Imperial,

2:12:11

Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madeira, Mariposa, Mono,

2:12:13

Orange, San Bernardino, San Diego, and

2:12:15

two layer counties should separate and

2:12:17

the reason he is leaving Los

2:12:19

Angeles out of it is because

2:12:21

he says Los Angeles is purposefully

2:12:23

excluded because they have the same

2:12:25

liberal policies. By the way that's

2:12:27

all Antonio Cromardi, those are all

2:12:29

his kids. I think they're all

2:12:31

three. I know Kearns is three

2:12:34

and friends have a name one

2:12:36

more time. Yeah, Fresno, Imperial, Inyo,

2:12:38

Kern, Kings, Madeira, Mariposa, Mono, Orange,

2:12:40

San Bernardino, San Diego, and Tulare.

2:12:42

Now Mariposa is three. And Kearns,

2:12:44

well, they're all four. I think

2:12:46

they're all three. Yeah. Most of

2:12:48

them are three. I know Kearns

2:12:50

is three. Two layers of the

2:12:52

infant he had with his wife.

2:12:54

Yeah. Yeah, he needs that on

2:12:56

the cards. Yeah. Now, Los Angeles

2:12:58

has the same liberal policies the

2:13:00

Sacramento does. The last thing I

2:13:02

want to do is create a

2:13:05

state that's a carbon copy of

2:13:07

what we have now. Los Angeles

2:13:09

just enacted a ban on plastic

2:13:11

grocery bags that put three or

2:13:13

four manufacturers out of business, he

2:13:15

says. And then spokesman Gil Duran

2:13:17

says that this whole thing is

2:13:19

a supremely ridiculous waste of everyone's

2:13:21

time. If you want to live

2:13:23

in a Republican state with very

2:13:25

conservative right-wing laws, then there's a

2:13:27

place called Arizona. Yeah, man. And

2:13:29

he got served. Oh. And you

2:13:31

hear those stories coming out of

2:13:33

Arizona every day now, right? With

2:13:35

people just being snatched up that

2:13:38

are out eating ice cream with

2:13:40

their grandkids and being thrown into

2:13:42

Mexico. Yeah. By the thugs. Bugs

2:13:44

with Jackboots. Jackboots. Yeah. You in

2:13:46

Arizona, you leave your apartment without

2:13:48

your wallet just to go to

2:13:50

your car. To get something out

2:13:52

of it, you'd be snatched up

2:13:54

and thrown into Mexico. You're insane

2:13:56

to walk around. Yeah, yeah. It's

2:13:58

horrible. That being said, do you

2:14:00

really think there should be a

2:14:02

south? California State. Here's what I

2:14:04

know. First off, asking people to

2:14:06

show their ID to vote does

2:14:09

not make you a racist or

2:14:11

xenophobia or anything. You ask for

2:14:13

someone's ID for everything we do.

2:14:15

There's rarely anything you do, especially

2:14:17

voting. So asking for ID votes.

2:14:19

I don't. But asking for ID

2:14:21

for voting. when did that become

2:14:23

some sort of racially provoked or

2:14:25

driven policy? No one really have

2:14:27

a problem with that though? Yes,

2:14:29

that's shocking. Yes, there's a big

2:14:31

problem with that. The other problem

2:14:33

is if a cop pulls you

2:14:35

over, he's allowed to ask you

2:14:37

for your fucking ID. And there's

2:14:39

something called illegal immigration, which is

2:14:42

there's people in this country illegally.

2:14:44

And if it seems like maybe

2:14:46

you are and somebody asked you

2:14:48

for your ID and you can't

2:14:50

produce it. Then there's consequences to

2:14:52

that. I'm okay with the concept

2:14:54

of people leaving their house with

2:14:56

their ID. Of course if you're

2:14:58

walking your dog and you're in

2:15:00

your sweatpants you shouldn't be just

2:15:02

snatched up with a guy the

2:15:04

butterfly net and thrown south of

2:15:06

the border. Yes, but that doesn't

2:15:08

happen. That's just all this fucking

2:15:10

worst case scenario bullshit. I was

2:15:13

talking to one of my super

2:15:15

liberal Hollywood friends today about he's

2:15:17

a civilian. He's a civilian. He

2:15:19

was audited by the tax man

2:15:21

for like 2003 and 2007 and

2:15:23

He'd gone back and forth to

2:15:25

New York a lot and they

2:15:27

claimed he'd owed taxes from New

2:15:29

York and all this kind of

2:15:31

stuff and he wasn't audited in

2:15:33

2003 He was audited for 2003

2:15:35

and he was audited for like

2:15:37

2007 and they had records of

2:15:39

him going back and forth in

2:15:41

New York all the time and

2:15:43

I said Patriot act treating you

2:15:46

dick. You know what I mean?

2:15:48

All we do is bitch and

2:15:50

moan about the man and big

2:15:52

brother and the government. What do

2:15:54

I tell you? They want your

2:15:56

fucking money. You don't think the...

2:15:58

The government knows what you're doing.

2:16:00

They knew how often this guy

2:16:02

went back and forth to New

2:16:04

York. They knew how much money

2:16:06

he spent in New York from

2:16:08

2003. But we're worried about them

2:16:10

listening in on our cell phone

2:16:12

calls or intercepting one of our

2:16:14

taxes because we're so fucking special.

2:16:16

It's just narcissism. Look, the government

2:16:19

wants money. They want tax money.

2:16:21

They're not interested in taking hardworking

2:16:23

legal citizens that are brown-skinned and

2:16:25

grabbing them and throwing them into

2:16:27

Mexico. They don't. Every time someone

2:16:29

brings up something like this, whether

2:16:31

it was the Patriot Act ten

2:16:33

years ago, or whether it's this,

2:16:35

everyone makes a big fucking doomsday

2:16:37

proclamation. Oh my God, now people

2:16:39

won't be able to leave their

2:16:41

house and they'll be rounding up.

2:16:43

Where are all the stories at

2:16:45

Arizona? Give me all your Patriot

2:16:47

Act stories. Who's had their computer

2:16:50

confiscated? Go ahead. I'm all fucking

2:16:52

ears. You know who is interested

2:16:54

in your voicemails. Rupert Murdoch. Rupert

2:16:56

Murdoch News Corps. So News of

2:16:58

the world was like the huge

2:17:00

tabloid in England had been around

2:17:02

for 156 years and just got

2:17:04

shut down because it turned out

2:17:06

that reporters for news and it's

2:17:08

owned by Rupert Murdoch's one of

2:17:10

his companies. turns out that reporters

2:17:12

were breaking into people's voicemails and

2:17:14

hacking into their private files which

2:17:16

is like more illegal in England

2:17:18

than it is here and using

2:17:20

that to bolster their stories and

2:17:23

there was a school girl who

2:17:25

was killed and they hacked into

2:17:27

her phones and sort of got

2:17:29

in the way of a police

2:17:31

investigation so that shut down and

2:17:33

now it's turning out that it's

2:17:35

not just news of the world

2:17:37

who was hacking into various things

2:17:39

for their stories. to investigate it

2:17:41

was also some other newspapers so

2:17:43

people are wondering is Jupiter Murdoch

2:17:45

going to be able to recover

2:17:47

from this because who knows like

2:17:49

how far this goes this is

2:17:51

what I've been screaming about the

2:17:54

government listening in on your conversations,

2:17:56

your emails, your whatever, intercepting, your

2:17:58

whatever, to attempt to avoid another

2:18:00

9-11-ask terrorist attack is fine. That's

2:18:02

the government trying to do something.

2:18:04

T.M.Z. going through your garbage or

2:18:06

following people around or filming them

2:18:08

or filming their kids or filming

2:18:10

their house, how about all those...

2:18:12

tours that just tell you where

2:18:14

celebrities live and then there's all

2:18:16

these bus vans that just come

2:18:18

by the house. Hey, that's where

2:18:20

that there's where Madonna lives. So

2:18:22

if any of you want to

2:18:24

get drunk and hop the fence

2:18:27

later on with a fucking butcher

2:18:29

knife, have added. That's more invasive.

2:18:31

This whole part where everyone films

2:18:33

where you can't go on a

2:18:35

stage at a comedy club and

2:18:37

do a set. Without somebody filming

2:18:39

it with their cell phone and

2:18:41

then throwing it up on YouTube

2:18:43

and through landing it on TMC

2:18:45

and landing it on Perez Hilton

2:18:47

That's the part we need to

2:18:49

worry about right the part where

2:18:51

the government is trying to stop

2:18:53

a terrorist attack Really? Yeah, is

2:18:55

that the part that we'd like

2:18:58

them to knock off? The government

2:19:00

has they do three fucking things

2:19:02

that I like and one of

2:19:04

them is try to stop terrorists.

2:19:06

How about we leaving the fuck

2:19:08

alone? What are you gonna do?

2:19:10

What are you going to do?

2:19:12

relationship calls? Should we bring our

2:19:14

guest in and jump in with

2:19:16

that? Yeah. Was that our plan?

2:19:18

Well, yes, that's the news. I'm

2:19:20

Allison Rosenzippet, Kunt. That was the

2:19:22

news with Allison Rosen. Diane Hansen

2:19:24

is coming in. She's a writer.

2:19:26

I think she's an editor too.

2:19:28

She works for a tash and

2:19:31

they're an interesting, I hope I

2:19:33

pronounce that right, book company that

2:19:35

does all this, those big glorious

2:19:37

fat... big. I don't know how

2:19:39

they make money. Each book is

2:19:41

500 bucks and weighs a ton.

2:19:43

They got the big book of

2:19:45

brass. She did that 3D. Got

2:19:47

checked out a big penis book?

2:19:49

Yeah, they do. I want that.

2:19:51

Yeah. Yeah. Can I borrow your

2:19:53

copy? She's also worked as a

2:19:55

respiratory therapist. So if anyone goes

2:19:57

in the car. We got that

2:19:59

going for us. But edit over

2:20:01

50 different top-selling books. I got

2:20:04

to talk there. So she's going

2:20:06

to come in. We'll look at

2:20:08

some big boobies. And we'll jump

2:20:10

in on the... Answer your relationship

2:20:12

calls. I believe you have one

2:20:14

to start with. Yes, I have.

2:20:16

I have a relationship issue. All

2:20:18

right, quick break. Back right after

2:20:20

that. Yeah, before we get into

2:20:22

our guest and your relationship calls

2:20:24

and Alice and special relationship calls,

2:20:26

let me give a little love.

2:20:28

All right, where were we? Tashin.

2:20:30

Is it Tashin? Yeah, Tashin. Tashin.

2:20:32

What does that mean? Is that

2:20:35

a guy? Is that a guy's

2:20:37

name? Benedict Ashen, that's right. Our

2:20:39

boss, our beloved boss. My publicists

2:20:41

love these guys and they print

2:20:43

out all these just books that

2:20:45

weigh 25 pounds and they're absolutely

2:20:47

amazing. But I'm trying to figure

2:20:49

out what the business model is

2:20:51

for something like the big book

2:20:53

of penis. Like how many, I

2:20:55

guess you sold enough regular ones

2:20:57

to merit a 3D. The big

2:20:59

penis book has been my biggest

2:21:01

selling book ever for Tashon. How

2:21:03

many, how many, the world's obsessed

2:21:05

with penis? Well, the gays, how

2:21:08

many, not the women, even straight

2:21:10

guys, you walk into a store

2:21:12

where there's a big penis book,

2:21:14

the straight guy, his wife looks

2:21:16

out, she kind of giggles and

2:21:18

walks away, he's there turning every

2:21:20

page in agony. Is it pop

2:21:22

up? Absolutely. We talked about pop-up.

2:21:24

But the credit, there it is.

2:21:26

The gay guys are pulling out

2:21:28

the credit cards. The straight guy's

2:21:30

not buying it. He's thumbing through

2:21:32

it, but he's not making the

2:21:34

purchase. Now how many units would

2:21:36

you sell? There's about 400 units

2:21:39

in the book. Oh no, you

2:21:41

want to know how many we

2:21:43

sell. Sorry. I'm not supposed to

2:21:45

tell those things, but it's between

2:21:47

five and six figures. Like so

2:21:49

you mean so oh so but

2:21:51

a lot of books that's a

2:21:53

lot of books. It's a lot

2:21:55

of books right a lot of

2:21:57

books that penis is keeping me

2:21:59

in business so that is that

2:22:01

between one thousand and one hundred

2:22:03

thousand that is ten thousand and

2:22:05

one hundred thousand yeah yeah that's

2:22:07

like between fifty and a hundred

2:22:09

thousand yeah that's good for a

2:22:12

book that is got to be

2:22:14

65 bucks or something? 60 bucks?

2:22:16

Oh, 60 bucks is a bargain.

2:22:18

Look how many penises you get

2:22:20

in there. You get more penises

2:22:22

than the average guy is going

2:22:24

to see in his life. It's

2:22:26

like 89 cents a cock and

2:22:28

if you're going by the inch,

2:22:30

it's like pennies an inch. Yeah,

2:22:32

and the big book of boobs

2:22:34

and also the, I don't know

2:22:36

what this one is. Our publicity

2:22:38

guy makes me push these things.

2:22:40

This one, that one, La Petit

2:22:43

Mort is all women masturbating to

2:22:45

orgasm. Not the one in your

2:22:47

hands, the other one. That is

2:22:49

also doing very very well for

2:22:51

us. It has turned out to

2:22:53

be real popular with women who

2:22:55

like women. And now, would you

2:22:57

go out and... photograph any of

2:22:59

this or you're all just about

2:23:01

the construction of it? The only

2:23:03

thing that I'm involved in photographing

2:23:05

are the covers. We do those

2:23:07

covers actually in our office. This

2:23:09

guy for the penis, but I'm

2:23:11

sorry to bring so much penis

2:23:13

under your show. Because you're like

2:23:16

a manly show. I like cock

2:23:18

talk. But the penis guy, 11

2:23:20

inch dick. He comes into our

2:23:22

office and we're working four hours

2:23:24

for this guy to get it

2:23:26

up. He's chafing it. The guy's

2:23:28

getting the listers on there. He

2:23:30

can't, he's a little skinny guy.

2:23:32

He hasn't got enough blood in

2:23:34

his body to get that thing

2:23:36

hard long enough for us to

2:23:38

do the cover. Oh, you think

2:23:40

he was nervous? Was agony. We

2:23:42

had to leave him alone with

2:23:44

the photographer. How did you find

2:23:46

this guy? We put an ad

2:23:49

in the penny saver? It kind

2:23:51

of light headed. Yeah. We had

2:23:53

to have him almost lying down

2:23:55

to function. Yeah, the poor. guy.

2:23:57

So Tashin does all these, but

2:23:59

they're all... They're all big coffee

2:24:01

table size fun, interesting, sort of.

2:24:03

There's no novels or autobiographies or

2:24:05

anything. No, no, no, no. No,

2:24:07

we're for the modern age. We're

2:24:09

for the newly illiterate age. Yeah.

2:24:11

You know, we keep that writing

2:24:13

to a minimum. We got it

2:24:15

in three languages in there. So

2:24:17

if, you know, you speak German,

2:24:20

you speak French, you can all

2:24:22

buy the same book. We don't

2:24:24

have to print a lot of

2:24:26

different volumes. There's a universal language

2:24:28

called huge hanker. We all speak

2:24:30

that. And we certainly speak. Yeah,

2:24:32

big breasts. Everyone loves big breasts.

2:24:34

And what else do you have?

2:24:36

You have the boobs, you got

2:24:38

the penis. I did the big

2:24:40

butt book. I did the big

2:24:42

book of eggs. I didn't sell

2:24:44

quite as well. I got a

2:24:46

new one coming out very soon.

2:24:48

It's in production now. The final

2:24:50

one. You can probably. Very close

2:24:53

to the taint. Taint the taint.

2:24:55

The sack. It's, uh, no. The

2:24:57

anus. Gosh you guys are all

2:24:59

so close, but you're not getting

2:25:01

the great stinky place. Oh darn

2:25:03

pit the Pussy really yeah and

2:25:05

it's actually called Pussy because everyone's

2:25:07

why don't you call it vagina

2:25:09

because the vagina is inside you

2:25:11

know I do try to be

2:25:13

physiologically correct. It should actually be

2:25:15

the big book of vulva. But

2:25:17

who knows what a vulva is?

2:25:19

Sounds like a manual. Yeah you

2:25:21

get a vulva in Sweden you

2:25:24

drive and you drive and you're

2:25:26

driving it. Yeah where do you

2:25:28

keep the scisser. You're doing the

2:25:30

Lord's work, I must say. Would

2:25:32

you like to jump in on

2:25:34

some relationship calls with us? Oh,

2:25:36

absolutely. I've got opinions on everything.

2:25:38

Oh, you do? Okay, good. I

2:25:40

think First, Allison has. Yeah, I

2:25:42

have an issue, which I'm already

2:25:44

questioning whether I should even bring

2:25:46

it up, but I'm going to

2:25:48

anyway, even though it's embarrassing, and

2:25:50

if anyone is attracted to me,

2:25:52

they will no longer be, including

2:25:54

the guy that I... So I'm

2:25:57

dating someone, so I'm dating someone,

2:25:59

dating someone, it's finally happened. Okay,

2:26:01

so the most mortifying thing, which

2:26:03

could happen in the early

2:26:05

stages of a relationship, happened,

2:26:07

which is that- Queef? No,

2:26:10

please, please. Toil it clogging. Oh,

2:26:12

are you kidding? Just like that

2:26:14

video. That was so awful. No,

2:26:16

you're at his place? Yes.

2:26:18

And you dropped the dude?

2:26:21

So we're talking tampine here,

2:26:23

or perhaps both. Let's just

2:26:25

say a tampon was involved.

2:26:27

Really? Yeah. But okay, okay,

2:26:29

here's the saving grace. The

2:26:31

only thing visible was toilet

2:26:33

paper and clean water. Clean

2:26:36

water. Yeah, so it... You're at

2:26:38

his place. Yeah, it looked like...

2:26:40

And plus he had just bought

2:26:42

ultra-toilate paper, so I'm saying, I'm

2:26:44

blaming it on the fact that

2:26:46

it's like, those are like rags

2:26:48

you're trying to stuff down. And

2:26:50

I'm not saying whether there was

2:26:52

anything else stuffing down there. Turned

2:26:55

out to be okay, however, here's

2:26:57

my thing. At what point is

2:26:59

it acceptable to have bodily functions?

2:27:01

And also he claims his feelings

2:27:03

about me have not changed, but

2:27:05

I just want to know how

2:27:07

would I know if they have

2:27:09

a feminine hygiene commercial. commercial question

2:27:12

or just question. What is the

2:27:14

Maxi pad protocol when it's time

2:27:16

to dispatch? Don't use them. I

2:27:18

was just going to say don't

2:27:20

date women who wear Maxi pads. Maxi

2:27:23

pads are... Oh, is that a weird

2:27:25

thing? Is that the equivalent to

2:27:27

the Fanny Pack for a dude?

2:27:29

The Maxi pad is like for

2:27:32

incontinence. Yeah, really. Oh, it's not good.

2:27:34

No, no, no one is going to have

2:27:36

something that size between her leg.

2:27:38

Even for like... light days in

2:27:40

for spotting. That's not a Maxi

2:27:42

pad. Well that's a panty liner. The panty

2:27:45

liner is a lot different story. Don't

2:27:47

even start with the Maxi pad.

2:27:49

All right. But the sanitary nap. By

2:27:51

the way I still got to see

2:27:53

my favorite commercial where Jones yet and

2:27:55

the other Rebels go attack the wall

2:27:58

with their Maxi pad. They're rebels. with

2:28:00

their period. I love that. Okay,

2:28:02

so toilet overflows. It didn't, I

2:28:04

mean, it just filled up in

2:28:06

the bowl. Doesn't make it to

2:28:08

the floor. Thank God, it did

2:28:10

not. No, and then he went

2:28:12

out to buy a plunger. Go

2:28:15

out and buy a plunger. I

2:28:17

didn't know about it? Wait, wait

2:28:19

a minute. I had to. I

2:28:21

would have been down there pulling

2:28:23

it out, throwing it out the

2:28:25

window. You know, you don't let

2:28:27

him know. Wow. Wow. I like

2:28:29

that. Yeah. I consider that. I

2:28:31

actually, I'll tell you what, I

2:28:33

had my own story like this

2:28:35

one. Please, let's hear it. I

2:28:38

was at a boyfriend's parents house,

2:28:40

right? Taking me down to meet

2:28:42

the parents. They had a low

2:28:44

flow toilet. This was in a

2:28:46

retirement community in New Jersey. I

2:28:48

couldn't get that floater going down.

2:28:50

It was not going to go

2:28:52

down. I flushed like four times.

2:28:54

So I just like wackamole. I

2:28:56

just, I just got. I got

2:28:59

your hand on it. Got some

2:29:01

toilet paper? Grab that thing, open

2:29:03

the window, threw it out. They

2:29:05

were on the first floor, unfortunately

2:29:07

it was lying there on their

2:29:09

side lawn. Wow! Oh my God!

2:29:11

You want like a bear going

2:29:13

after a salmon. Put that big

2:29:15

paw on there, grab it, swive

2:29:17

right out the window. I could

2:29:20

walk out and leave that floater

2:29:22

in there. I like the cut

2:29:24

of your gym. See, when I

2:29:26

heard that story, that would be

2:29:28

marriage material. By the way, let's.

2:29:30

Cotex's YouTube sensation about all the

2:29:32

rebel chicks and I always love

2:29:34

the I love the television version

2:29:36

of the rebel chicks like a

2:29:38

little too much mascara but not

2:29:41

really tattoo-covered horse who would cut

2:29:43

you look at her Yeah, that's

2:29:45

your mom's maxi pad. I mean

2:29:47

tampon. She's gonna do something about

2:29:49

that. On TV, when big rubble

2:29:51

girls have rebellious thoughts, they bite

2:29:53

their lip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

2:29:55

I like all the girls running

2:29:57

at her. They're just hiding in

2:29:59

the shrub with A-frame ladders and

2:30:01

a lot of primer. There you

2:30:04

go. with a new look of

2:30:06

you by Cotex, great protection has

2:30:08

never looked better. Wait a minute

2:30:10

and they all have a united

2:30:12

attitude towards feminine protection. The catch

2:30:14

phrase that great protection has never

2:30:16

looked better is really fucking bizarre

2:30:18

to me. Isn't that something you

2:30:20

just keep buried deep in your

2:30:22

purse and it's not? Yeah, it's

2:30:25

not a status symbol. You wouldn't

2:30:27

use it as a coaster on

2:30:29

a date, would you? Like what

2:30:31

the fuck? All right, anyway. So

2:30:33

where were we? Oh, so the

2:30:35

toilet overflows or it's closed overflowing.

2:30:37

It backs up and then I,

2:30:39

you know, I like flush and

2:30:41

it kind of like, it's obviously

2:30:43

not, things are not flushing and

2:30:46

plumbing as, it's not plumbing as

2:30:48

usual. They call it pulling the

2:30:50

cork, you know what I mean?

2:30:52

I'm just saying, corks don't, you

2:30:54

know, they bob. So you drop

2:30:56

the deuce. And he dropped the

2:30:58

tampon. That's two separate flushes. And

2:31:00

he has to go buy the

2:31:02

plunger. He didn't have a plunger.

2:31:04

What kind of dude is this?

2:31:06

Who doesn't have a plunger? Is

2:31:09

it an apartment? Yeah. He's gay.

2:31:11

Another winner. How old is he?

2:31:13

He's about to be 38. In

2:31:15

apartment, huh? Looking good. Is that

2:31:17

so bad? That's so bad. One

2:31:19

car parking or two spaces? Does

2:31:21

he have a space for you?

2:31:23

In his parking spot is there

2:31:25

shag carpet duct tape around the

2:31:27

pole? That's not a good sign.

2:31:30

All right. I'm saying... I've never

2:31:32

thought to judge someone on the

2:31:34

app. I'm just happy that he

2:31:36

doesn't have roommates. You're a decent

2:31:38

woman. You must come from their

2:31:40

mates. Rent control? Do they have

2:31:42

that out here? Yeah, they will

2:31:44

in Santa Monica. I don't I

2:31:46

don't think so. Allison lives at

2:31:48

home with their parents. Oh, so

2:31:51

you got a scale back. Yeah,

2:31:53

but there's many. It's just a

2:31:55

quantum leap forward for you. All

2:31:57

right, I like this guy, but

2:31:59

the idea he should have had

2:32:01

a plan chair. Wait, but then

2:32:03

he does. Maybe he never dated

2:32:05

someone who offloaded like you in

2:32:07

the past, you know? In defense

2:32:09

of the fact that I do

2:32:12

live at home with my parents,

2:32:14

that was not my plan. I

2:32:16

moved out. I moved out here

2:32:18

from New York. I moved out

2:32:20

here from New York. Ask anyone

2:32:22

on death row. Is this part

2:32:24

of your plan when you're in?

2:32:26

No, I was going to be

2:32:28

an NFL player. Death row, skid

2:32:30

row, any row? Any row? Is

2:32:32

that murders row? I'm looking for

2:32:35

an apartment and I found one.

2:32:37

The only problem is a sex

2:32:39

offender lives upstairs, according to the

2:32:41

registry. And you can't find an

2:32:43

apartment of the toilet big enough

2:32:45

to hold you. Let's take some

2:32:47

relationship calls. Let's take some relationship

2:32:49

calls. Let's, uh, I'm just going

2:32:51

to hop to the top, talk

2:32:53

to, uh, why I always have

2:32:56

to, why does that never work?

2:32:58

Is that phone fire, is that

2:33:00

phone line hooked up? Yeah, Jesus.

2:33:02

Press the bottom one, see what

2:33:04

happens. All right. So he's only

2:33:06

had one girl. I've done the

2:33:08

first, I've done the first one

2:33:10

a bunch of times. Huh? All

2:33:12

right, now it's ready to go.

2:33:14

The second one is probably your

2:33:17

boyfriend on here. He's worried about

2:33:19

moving in with you. Ian? Yeah,

2:33:21

that's me. I guess phone line's

2:33:23

not lighting up. Usually he lights

2:33:25

up. What's going on Ian? 19

2:33:27

from Ohio? Yeah? Not much. It's

2:33:29

sitting here watching a show. Thanks,

2:33:31

buddy. What do you think? Oh,

2:33:33

it's great. Glad, glad you, you

2:33:35

get it on ustream? Yeah, I'm

2:33:38

watching on ustream. All right. You

2:33:40

want to see a big picture

2:33:42

of a big cock? Not interested.

2:33:44

Brian's camera not not not interested

2:33:46

really all right all right let's

2:33:48

just see he may not be

2:33:50

certain if there's one girlfriend there's

2:33:52

Duke there's much bigger ones in

2:33:54

there all right all right so

2:33:56

what's your question what's your question

2:33:58

in well I've only had one

2:34:01

girlfriend and that was way back

2:34:03

in the sixth grade anyways so

2:34:05

I was wondering you know how

2:34:07

can I you know grab more

2:34:09

women? Or at least get them

2:34:11

interested. Maybe changing your language. What

2:34:13

do you do for living, Ian?

2:34:15

I'm a waiter at some moment.

2:34:17

I have found a couple of

2:34:19

things. You know, in real estate,

2:34:22

they always do that location, location,

2:34:24

location. I used to be an

2:34:26

attractive guy. I was in good

2:34:28

shape. I was single and ready

2:34:30

to mingle, but I was a

2:34:32

construction worker. And that meant I

2:34:34

worked with a bunch of Mexicans

2:34:36

in Simi Valley, and there was

2:34:38

never woman anywhere. The closest I

2:34:40

ever got to a woman was

2:34:43

the chick who cooked on the

2:34:45

lunch truck. Women cross the street

2:34:47

when they see a construction site.

2:34:49

Yes. My assistant Jay, he works

2:34:51

at a bar, you know, like

2:34:53

a sports bar, like down, you

2:34:55

know, by the strand at Huntington

2:34:57

Beach or Manhattan Beach, and not

2:34:59

only are there tons of drunken

2:35:01

chicks just pouring in and out

2:35:04

of the place, but every fucking

2:35:06

other waitress in the place is

2:35:08

just another drunken chick who showed

2:35:10

up for six months. It's a

2:35:12

constant revolving door of hot chicks.

2:35:14

So you got your pick of

2:35:16

the litter. Now it doesn't mean

2:35:18

you're going to be Don Juan,

2:35:20

but at least you're in a

2:35:22

place where there's a constant stream

2:35:24

of women coming in to get

2:35:27

drunk and then hanging back after

2:35:29

work and doing shots with other

2:35:31

people who work there. So first

2:35:33

thing I would tell a dude

2:35:35

who's interested in getting late is

2:35:37

get a job, go to a

2:35:39

place where you'll go down to

2:35:41

Manhattan Beach and get a job

2:35:43

bartending. I mean you can... You

2:35:45

would have trouble not getting late

2:35:48

if that was your gig. Ask

2:35:50

him what kind of bar, he,

2:35:52

or restaurant he, uh, serves him.

2:35:54

Hey Ian! What kind of restaurant

2:35:56

do you, yeah, what kind of

2:35:58

restaurant do you serve at? I

2:36:00

work at a barbecue restaurant. Oh,

2:36:02

bad town. Barbecue, that's family. And

2:36:04

big house. A lot of heavy

2:36:06

set men of color coming in

2:36:09

there. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I

2:36:11

am now, I'm saying this to

2:36:13

every dude. out there who wants

2:36:15

to get laid go to a

2:36:17

place where there are women and

2:36:19

if there's booze being served there

2:36:21

even better I mean how how

2:36:23

reality show Yeah, I mean seriously

2:36:25

I learned all this from Dr.

2:36:27

Drew No, I worked I worked

2:36:30

with a bunch of construction guys

2:36:32

that were like good-looking strapping dudes

2:36:34

But we were all just hanging

2:36:36

out together versus sitting around pouring

2:36:38

shots for chicks and by the

2:36:40

way when six three of them

2:36:42

come in and you're the only

2:36:44

dude who's bartaining They're trying to

2:36:46

get your attention all the time

2:36:48

and it's all built in and

2:36:50

they're getting loopy and they have

2:36:53

to write it right a beach

2:36:55

cruiser back to their friends apartment.

2:36:57

I mean it's fucking Yeah, Ian,

2:36:59

get a job somewhere. How's the

2:37:01

barbecue though? Oh, it's great. Kansas

2:37:03

City style or they go with

2:37:05

the dry rub? No, it's actually,

2:37:07

it's great silence we make herself.

2:37:09

Hmm. Yeah. The thing is, um,

2:37:11

I can actually get laid. There

2:37:14

are female waitresses there. Oh, well,

2:37:16

there you go. See, that's up

2:37:18

to staff. Look if you'd like

2:37:20

to cultivate a relationship if you're

2:37:22

having sex with somebody Usually you

2:37:24

can cultivate a relationship from that

2:37:26

the sex is the hard part

2:37:28

All right hang up on this

2:37:30

person. I'm going to Jake Jake.

2:37:32

Hey, what's going on Jake? I'm

2:37:35

not too much. I just have

2:37:37

a girl that's gonna maybe with

2:37:39

me in about a month and

2:37:41

a half and I don't know.

2:37:43

I kind of want to back

2:37:45

out of it now because she's

2:37:47

been acting weird lately. I don't

2:37:49

know if it's just me being

2:37:51

over sensitive to things or if

2:37:53

it's actually a warning sign. Phone

2:37:55

dropped out. She's moving in with

2:37:58

you? Yeah. In a month and

2:38:00

a half? About a month and

2:38:02

a half. Beginning of September. I

2:38:04

don't know if she would answer.

2:38:06

the same way. Yeah she probably

2:38:08

wouldn't. How old is she? She's

2:38:10

20. Oh she's 20. Yeah. Sounds

2:38:12

like she could be perfect for

2:38:14

eating. Yeah. She like barbecue? I

2:38:16

have a man grate. She enjoys

2:38:19

the meat cooked on that. How

2:38:21

about a uncut hot link with

2:38:23

extra sauce? Here's the thing. Living

2:38:25

together in your 20s never fucking

2:38:27

works. It never works. It's ironic.

2:38:29

I think I could live with

2:38:31

a 20-year-old chick now because I

2:38:33

have enough square footage and enough

2:38:35

TV sets. When you're living on

2:38:37

top of each other in that

2:38:40

shitty little apartment and you're both

2:38:42

super immature, it just doesn't. It

2:38:44

only one toilet and you have

2:38:46

the porcelain wreckers in town. She's

2:38:48

going to destroy that place. And

2:38:50

in this corner. I would like

2:38:52

to die now. Jake, I would

2:38:54

not, here's my thing, I wouldn't

2:38:56

move in, and I'm gonna sound

2:38:58

old-fashioned here, but it's just sort

2:39:01

of based on experienced trial and

2:39:03

error. I would move in with

2:39:05

someone when I got engaged. If

2:39:07

you're moving in with them because

2:39:09

she's lost her lease or her

2:39:11

roommate moved out, if it's one

2:39:13

of those things where I'm only

2:39:15

moving in with them because I

2:39:17

have to move in with them

2:39:19

because that's not a great plan

2:39:21

and there's really no good that

2:39:24

can come from this. You'll never

2:39:26

get any closer. It's only going

2:39:28

to fall apart. So if you

2:39:30

value this relationship. I would say

2:39:32

don't move in together and really

2:39:34

only do it when it's sort

2:39:36

of a stepping stone to marriage

2:39:38

or at least engagement. Okay Jake?

2:39:40

All right, sounds good. And follow

2:39:42

your instinct. If there's a little

2:39:45

birdie that's telling you, maybe I

2:39:47

shouldn't do it, it probably, it

2:39:49

shouldn't be a little bird, it

2:39:51

should be a pelican that's screaming,

2:39:53

don't do it. Can I ask,

2:39:55

you said that she's been acting

2:39:57

weird lately, what do you mean?

2:39:59

She just, we'll get, well these

2:40:01

situations where we'll get really close

2:40:03

and she'll open up about stuff

2:40:06

and then she'll just kind of

2:40:08

shut down for a few days

2:40:10

and I don't really hear from

2:40:12

her. She's 20 and this is

2:40:14

kind of the problem and you

2:40:16

just, first piece of news, do

2:40:18

not get her pregnant. Because you

2:40:20

get a pregnant and now you're

2:40:22

in with somebody... I either had

2:40:24

a life out of my... I

2:40:27

come on the tits, so... Thank

2:40:29

you. Thank you. Even if it's

2:40:31

not hers, any pair will do.

2:40:33

You know, that could be one

2:40:35

of the reasons she's acting a

2:40:37

little weird though, if you only

2:40:39

come on her tits. Could be

2:40:41

your next book. I just graduated

2:40:43

college three weeks ago and it

2:40:45

kind of went sour. That's just...

2:40:47

Don't talk about kids in regards

2:40:50

to this. Oh, okay. Hey Dustin?

2:40:52

Hi, how you doing Adam? What's

2:40:54

going on Dustin? Hey everybody, thanks

2:40:56

for having me. I just got

2:40:58

out of a five-year relationship. I

2:41:00

just graduated college three weeks ago

2:41:02

and it kind of went sour.

2:41:04

It was sort of an up

2:41:06

and down relationship to begin with.

2:41:08

Yeah, it was. to have a

2:41:11

mutual break-up, you know, we thought

2:41:13

we'd be adults about it. Up

2:41:15

and down, yeah. Yeah, mutual, we

2:41:17

have a five-year relationship, yeah. And

2:41:19

she, in the past weeks, has

2:41:21

started portraying me as an abusive

2:41:23

boyfriend. Yeah, she did. Wow. Quick

2:41:25

backhandl, straighten that, eh? Portraying you

2:41:27

to who? I certainly may have

2:41:29

been an asshole, but I'm certainly

2:41:32

not that, but, you know, her

2:41:34

family won't talk to me and

2:41:36

her friends and everything, but... Should

2:41:38

I care? No, look, you guys

2:41:40

have been again for a long

2:41:42

time, you break up, right? Right.

2:41:44

Move on. It's just moving on

2:41:46

time. Yeah. Nobody, I wish, I've

2:41:48

said this once before, and this

2:41:50

is why I'm going to be

2:41:53

a good dad, and why I

2:41:55

wish somebody would have pulled me

2:41:57

aside when I was like 24.

2:41:59

26 or 22 and go listen

2:42:01

You're gonna have another girlfriend and then

2:42:03

you'll have another one after this and

2:42:05

you'll have a fight and then they'll

2:42:07

be crying and there'll be some screaming

2:42:10

and then you'll have another one and

2:42:12

at some point You'll get married when

2:42:14

you're 35, but shit kid. You're 23

2:42:16

like what are you? Don't even get

2:42:18

up in your head about it. Just

2:42:20

move on. Never listen. No one's ever

2:42:22

said that. No one will ever tell

2:42:24

you that. I would hope that I

2:42:27

would tell my kid that. Not that

2:42:29

he's going to listen, but it just

2:42:31

mean this idea. We all know what

2:42:33

we're like when you're 21, 22, 23.

2:42:35

It's like you're not equipped for this

2:42:37

shit. You're a mess emotionally. So you

2:42:39

guys have been together, you're broken up,

2:42:42

she's talking shit, move on. Highera

2:42:44

ground, you know. Keep your

2:42:46

be the bigger man about

2:42:48

this. Yes. All right. Let's

2:42:50

do let's do one more

2:42:53

call here. Let's speak to

2:42:55

the guy with a foot

2:42:57

fetish girlfriend. Do you see

2:42:59

anything on line one Diane

2:43:01

that guy? He hung up. He

2:43:04

hung up. He hung up. He

2:43:06

hung up. I kind of feel

2:43:08

like an idiot after that

2:43:10

last guy called, because I

2:43:12

almost have the exact same

2:43:14

problem. That's all right. We had

2:43:16

a guy that had the foot

2:43:18

fetish drop out, so we'll talk

2:43:20

to you. Oh, I just got

2:43:22

a three-year relationship. I'm 21 years

2:43:25

old. And she just like recently

2:43:27

started calling me back. She's

2:43:29

like, you know, kind of

2:43:31

wanted to get back together.

2:43:34

Big Duke in the town.

2:43:36

She couldn't stop throwing up.

2:43:38

No, she's like 19 years

2:43:41

old and she's kind of

2:43:43

immature. And she's 19 now?

2:43:45

She's 19 now? And the

2:43:47

schedule is just in match

2:43:49

up lately. Can't judge. It

2:43:52

became a mess. Hey, John, okay,

2:43:54

here's why this is a good

2:43:56

thing. Every guy, and for that

2:43:58

matter, every... girl. Before you

2:44:01

get married you really should have

2:44:03

a number of relationships just so

2:44:05

you go all right I know

2:44:07

I'm it's it's it's it's sort

2:44:09

of analogous to test driving a

2:44:11

car go out kick some tires

2:44:13

try out see what it feels

2:44:15

like compare the Toyota's to the

2:44:17

accuracy and figure out what you

2:44:19

want and then when you settle

2:44:21

and when you make a decision

2:44:23

you go you know what this

2:44:25

is based on something it's not

2:44:27

someone I met in the 10th

2:44:29

grade and now we're together and

2:44:31

I constantly have to keep thinking

2:44:33

to myself is this my soulmate

2:44:35

and if so why was she

2:44:37

sitting behind me in a small

2:44:39

Catholic high school in Ithaca in

2:44:41

my geometry class you know so

2:44:43

have those relationships get out there

2:44:45

and also be single for a

2:44:47

while like and not only just

2:44:49

be single be alone for a

2:44:51

while just take six months and

2:44:53

just be yourself get the big

2:44:55

book of penises or boobies do

2:44:57

a little 3D beaten off they're

2:44:59

nicely laminated pages no worry you

2:45:01

throw this thing right in the

2:45:03

dishwasher when you're done dishwasher safe

2:45:05

and uh hamper friendly dishwasher safe.

2:45:07

Yeah, just don't try to flush

2:45:09

down the toilet. No, no, Allison,

2:45:12

no, no, no, the point is

2:45:14

is, could someone go to the

2:45:16

bathroom with me next time and

2:45:18

talk me through it? Everybody should.

2:45:20

Everybody, well Dan will show you

2:45:22

what to do. She carries a

2:45:24

wrist rocket with her in case

2:45:26

she has a solid DM. She

2:45:28

just fires that shit at the

2:45:30

lowest flying airplane and comes by.

2:45:32

If people can pick up dog

2:45:34

shit with nothing but a thin

2:45:36

plastic bag between their hand and

2:45:38

warm dog shit, you can pick

2:45:40

up your own shit out of

2:45:42

the toys and throw it out

2:45:44

the window. I have kicked more

2:45:46

dog shit than I picked it

2:45:48

up. I've used leaves like, yeah,

2:45:50

I mean, come on. Yeah, why

2:45:52

can't you pick up your own

2:45:54

shit? That's right. Don't pick up

2:45:56

after myself, I guess. Hey, listen,

2:45:58

Diane, forget about the big book

2:46:00

of Cox and Titz, you need

2:46:02

one on etiquette. You're the next

2:46:04

Halloween. So why are we saying

2:46:06

you should only flesh urine? No!

2:46:08

No, all we're saying is, you

2:46:10

know... Avoid those embarrassing situations at

2:46:12

all cost. If you have to

2:46:14

go straight into the toilet and

2:46:16

get it out of there before

2:46:18

you let the guy know what

2:46:20

you've done to his toilet. Because

2:46:23

then he's going to come in

2:46:25

and come face to face with

2:46:27

your shit and you really need

2:46:29

to wait till you've got like

2:46:31

six months together. That's what I'm

2:46:33

saying. He didn't see the shit.

2:46:35

Thank God. The grace of God.

2:46:37

No, I think until he listens

2:46:39

to this. He actually thinks it

2:46:41

was just... bad toilet. And it

2:46:43

was. How much toilet paper do

2:46:45

you have to use on a

2:46:47

multivitamin? You know what I mean?

2:46:49

You know what? He's going to

2:46:51

be glad that you're regular. When

2:46:53

you move further up along so

2:46:55

many women are constipating. Guys have

2:46:57

to hear about women being constipated

2:46:59

all the time. Men want a

2:47:01

woman who can get it out

2:47:03

there and walk away. I mean

2:47:05

for me it's great that I

2:47:07

feel comfortable enough to use his

2:47:09

bathroom but it's also not great

2:47:11

in a kind of woman who

2:47:13

can shit. and then just you

2:47:15

know grab it with a napkin

2:47:17

and toss it out the window

2:47:19

at you know the closest retirement

2:47:21

villa and just move on. And

2:47:23

again I'm not I'm not joking

2:47:25

about my etiquette book like salad

2:47:27

fork no elbows on the table

2:47:29

and always use two-ply when you're

2:47:31

throwing shit out the window. and

2:47:34

be sure to wash, use the

2:47:36

guest tell afterwards. And open the

2:47:38

screen for god's sake. I have

2:47:40

those little molded soaps, that's what

2:47:42

they're there for, right? I have

2:47:44

gone in with the toilet paper

2:47:46

to get the hash mark off

2:47:48

the toilet that has been braided,

2:47:50

because that's a telltale, that's what

2:47:52

you call a tell, right there.

2:47:54

I'll do it. And the show

2:47:56

has reached a new low. Is

2:47:58

this guy been satisfied, however here?

2:48:00

He's satisfied, John should not get

2:48:02

back back together. You should rarely

2:48:04

get back. Look, if you have

2:48:06

kids, that's one thing. You know,

2:48:08

I'm talking about getting... back together.

2:48:10

If you have kids, get back

2:48:12

together. If you're in your 30s,

2:48:14

think about getting back together. When

2:48:16

you're 19, 20, 22, and you

2:48:18

break up, you break up for

2:48:20

a reason, move on, have a

2:48:22

new relationship. All right, I can't

2:48:24

talk about Dooky anymore. I feel

2:48:26

like we ought to just put

2:48:28

a pin in this show. I

2:48:30

am never going to get tired

2:48:32

of this. I feel like we're

2:48:34

done. Diane Hansen. The big book

2:48:36

of breast and penises and that

2:48:38

masturbation book. There's a big ass

2:48:40

book. You can go on. Oh

2:48:43

yeah, there they are. Look at

2:48:45

them. You can go to Amazon?

2:48:47

Every big thing you want. I've

2:48:49

done it. You can go to

2:48:51

amazon.com and yeah, well we can

2:48:53

go to Amazon to go click

2:48:55

through our website. There we go

2:48:57

back up and running. Go to

2:48:59

adaprola.com and go to Amazon. It's

2:49:01

a nice coffee table book and

2:49:03

a conversation piece. And also, where

2:49:05

can people find you? They can

2:49:07

go to tassion.com. That's the website.

2:49:09

t-a-s-c-e-n.com. Thank you. You've been at

2:49:11

Delight. I love all the pup

2:49:13

talk. Then we'll spin that off

2:49:15

into its own podcast. Pup talk,

2:49:17

but then I enhance it. All

2:49:19

right, so. Should I should be

2:49:21

involved in that bottle of wine

2:49:23

before I drove over here. And

2:49:25

till next time. This is Adam

2:49:27

Corolla for a bald Brian, Diane

2:49:29

Hansen, and the brown city

2:49:32

to strike.

2:49:34

Allison Rosen,

2:49:36

saying mahalo.

2:49:39

I like

2:49:41

cock talk.

2:50:02

You

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