0:01

Hey in today's episode Fitz dog

0:03

back in studio bringing the funny

0:05

Rooney Povich is doing the news

0:07

always great Sasha Stone very interesting

0:09

journalist that joins us as well

0:11

and we'll do all that after

0:13

this Hey, this is Adam Corolla

0:15

from the Adam Corolla show

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devices and start streaming now. and

2:14

the news and trending topics

2:16

with Rudy Pavich. And now,

2:19

earlier today, he had to send

2:21

regrets to the Vatican that he can't

2:23

attend the Pope's funeral. Because

2:26

Bassani's Italian Steakhouse and

2:28

Comedy Club in Port Charlotte,

2:30

Florida waits for no

2:32

man. Adam

2:34

Carolla. Oh yeah, two shows on the

2:36

second, two shows on the third.

2:38

I think that's Friday's Saturday, but I

2:40

gotta look it up. Fits

2:43

dog in studio is good

2:45

to see. Interesting. Rudy's doing

2:47

the news. Right

2:49

before the mics heated up, Fitzdawg said

2:51

he had a horrible sense of direction.

2:53

And then I started thinking about that.

2:55

And then I realized my girlfriend has

2:57

a horrible sense of direction. And

3:00

Jimmy Kimmel has a horrible sense of

3:02

direction. But I have a great sense

3:04

of direction. But I wasn't a

3:06

good student. And I don't have

3:08

any other good qualities, really.

3:10

Stop it. But what is

3:12

direction? And how does sense

3:14

of direction work? Because. These

3:17

are bright. I know many bright

3:19

people that have a very bad

3:21

sense of direction. And

3:24

then what is it? Are we

3:26

more bird than man? I

3:28

got a good sense in the macrocosm.

3:30

Like I'm good at the general direction

3:32

that I should be going. My

3:34

wife is the detail person. And

3:37

somehow, I don't know. You know, I

3:39

have ADHD. I've got the whole cocktail of

3:41

whatever generation I am that I picked

3:43

up. And I think my concentration goes in

3:45

and out. And so I'm

3:47

listening to a podcast in

3:49

the car. And I've got the

3:52

map up. But somehow

3:54

Raymond Avenue is listed

3:56

in my address book

3:58

for you. I don't normally follow it because

4:00

come from the same way. Is

4:02

a sense of direction connected

4:04

to any other thing? For

4:07

instance, I've always had

4:10

an uncanny sense of

4:12

balance. And I think

4:14

sense of balance bleeds into other facets

4:16

of life where I'm able to

4:18

like hear both sides and go, I

4:20

have a sort of balance. I

4:23

have a general balance in life

4:25

that's connected to riding a unicycle when

4:27

I was nine. So I

4:29

feel like balance bleeds in. There

4:31

are other things like taste where

4:33

you can kind of use it

4:35

architecturally, but it also works aesthetically

4:37

with cars or things like that.

4:40

Where's direction? Where's

4:42

that come in? I don't know. You got a

4:44

sense of direction. Yeah. Well, you and I, you

4:46

might not remember this. You were a little half

4:48

in the bag, but you and I were at

4:50

Bone Hook Brewing in Naples, Florida, having a couple

4:53

of drinks. And I pulled out of the parking

4:55

lot and you said, do you know where you're

4:57

going? And I said, yes, I have an even

4:59

drunk. Yeah, even drunk. Yeah. I said, no,

5:01

I have an uncanny sense of direction.

5:03

And I said, it's very underrated. And

5:06

you said underrated. It's not even rated.

5:08

Well, no one looks at

5:10

it on dating apps or anything

5:13

but but it It's more

5:15

practical than you think like it

5:17

is a practical it has

5:19

an application and it comes up

5:21

a lot But you know where this

5:24

this comes in to play is I'm I

5:26

have the ability to be able to go

5:28

to one place one time And I know

5:30

exactly where I am going. Yes, and it

5:32

helps a lot when it comes to directions

5:34

So if I build something by IKEA If

5:36

I buy another one of those things, if I

5:39

buy two nightstands, I put the first one together.

5:41

I don't need the directions for the second. I

5:43

know exactly what I'm doing. Ah, interesting. So

5:45

it imprints on you. yeah.

5:47

So a direction, we call

5:49

it directions, but it's really...

5:51

The directions of going somewhere

5:53

once and building a nightstand

5:56

are just directions. Do this

5:58

first, do this second, turn

6:00

here, screw in A

6:02

first. So you get imprinted

6:04

upon and then you can do

6:06

it the next time. I

6:08

literally can't find my own house

6:10

sometimes. I have pulled up

6:12

my own house. Like when I

6:14

hit national near the 405,

6:16

I've driven it. I've lived

6:18

here for 25 years. I can still

6:20

get lost. I think that. that

6:24

has elements of genius to it

6:26

at a certain point. I like

6:28

that. Yeah, I could spin that. Well,

6:30

I can hyper -focus. Like, I

6:32

just put together a shed from Home

6:34

Depot yesterday and I got engrossed

6:36

in it. I enjoyed this. buzzing

6:39

all day afterwards. I loved

6:41

ABCD because I was just jamming

6:43

on it and nothing else

6:45

was coming in my mind. When

6:47

I'm driving, I'm listening to

6:49

the radio. I'm observing

6:51

other car. Look at that charger. I

6:53

wonder if that's the, yeah.

6:55

It's got a hammy or the

6:58

440. My mind drips and it

7:00

doesn't come back to where it

7:02

should be. ADHD is

7:04

defined as I can think about the

7:06

thing I'm most excited about at that moment.

7:08

And if it's not that, if it's

7:10

English class instead of history class, I'm

7:12

going to fail. But English, I'm going to

7:14

get an A because I'm really excited

7:16

about not reading novels. Did you get

7:18

diagnosed? When I was 40.

7:21

Uh -huh. Yeah. So what grade were you in?

7:26

You're still your junior high school. Yeah,

7:28

I was the only kid with a

7:30

receding hairline on the varsity team. Held

7:32

back 27 grades. Yeah, it was me

7:34

and Eli Manning, the only guys who

7:37

receding hairlines on the varsity team. But

7:40

no, it was, you know, I wrote

7:42

that book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimons, a fraction

7:44

of letters that were sent home and

7:46

they read as a diagnosis of ADHD.

7:48

Greg is staring out the window. Greg's

7:50

asleep in class. Greg can't seem to

7:52

concentrate. It was all there. They just

7:54

didn't know what it was Yeah, are

7:56

you able to how are you with

7:58

your hour? So when you do a

8:00

full hour of stand -up Do you

8:02

ever have a moment while you're up

8:04

there and go? Oh, what's this next?

8:06

Yes, okay, especially if it's a hot

8:08

chick up front with a low -cut shirt.

8:11

Yes, you ever get that you ever

8:13

get a little distracted by a woman

8:15

in the crowd I know because as

8:17

as described previously I

8:19

can compartmentalize like a

8:21

serial killer and like

8:23

I'd found out Saturday

8:26

two Saturdays ago. I

8:28

was in San Diego.

8:30

I had. two shows, you know, I

8:33

don't know, seven and a 930

8:35

show in San Diego. I'd found out

8:37

that Nikki Katz is a it

8:39

was a good friend, committed suicide actor.

8:42

Yeah, he was a he was a child actor.

8:44

It was an actor in lots of stuff, whatever.

8:46

He's a good dude. He was a friend. And

8:48

I found out like three in the afternoon, he

8:50

killed himself. And it didn't affect

8:52

me at all. Yeah, like I was just

8:55

I walked there. Somebody said, it's got to

8:57

be tough, you know, I go I didn't

8:59

think about it. I just Go do it

9:01

and compartmentalize done. Somebody can be

9:03

firing up the blender at the bar,

9:05

making margaritas. Someone else's phone can

9:07

ring. Someone else's, you know, spill, knock

9:10

over glass. I'm just, I'm

9:12

not relentless. I'm just, I

9:14

can just hold this. focus

9:16

or on

9:18

that show about the F1

9:20

drivers. I'm amazed by how

9:23

much conversation is happening while

9:25

they're making, you know, six

9:27

inch microsecond decisions. And yet

9:29

they're talking back and forth.

9:32

No, I was, uh, it's funny. There's

9:34

a guy named Tommy Kendall, and

9:36

he's the winningest Trans Am, not the

9:38

make car, but the series, the Trans Am

9:40

series, the winningest Trans Am driver. And

9:42

it is a good dude. And he used

9:44

to do this show called like Test

9:46

Drive with Tommy Kendall. And it was a

9:48

fun show. He'd invite people out

9:50

to Willow Springs to the racetrack. You'd

9:52

get in a car. He'd get in a

9:54

car. His guests would get in a

9:56

car. And they're like sporty cars. And

9:59

you'd just do hot laps around Willow

10:01

Springs. And he'd sort of lead and

10:03

you'd follow and he'd keep pacing it

10:05

up, pacing it up before you know

10:07

it. You're kind of at race speeds.

10:09

And you'd have a mic. And

10:11

and an intercom and you'd

10:13

be talking back and forth and

10:15

driving this Dodge, you know,

10:17

and he said to me once

10:19

he goes, everyone just talks

10:21

back and forth. But once the

10:23

car gets loose, they

10:26

shut up. Yeah, you keep

10:28

talking. You keep talking even

10:30

when the car is out of control. And

10:32

I was like, well, what's one have to do with

10:34

the other? You know what I mean? Like the car. Yeah,

10:36

the car is out of control. But.

10:39

Me taught I'm not gonna talk it back into

10:41

control and we're on some subjects So I

10:43

would say he was you're the only talks when

10:45

the cars out of control and I said

10:47

oh, I so I guess I have a way

10:49

to delineate between what's actually

10:51

happening and what my train of

10:53

thought is. No, my wife, I

10:55

can be going down on my

10:58

wife and she can text like

11:00

at full speed. Thumbs just

11:02

cranking and laughing and...

11:04

She doesn't text out there,

11:06

you were saying that

11:09

about her. That's right. are

11:12

you gonna finish that shed? By

11:15

the way, is that an Allen wrench in

11:17

me or your pinky? Also,

11:20

we're out of milk, asshole. Yeah.

11:23

So, speaking of comedy, uh,

11:25

Fitz Dogg's got a special out.

11:27

Half a million plus views on

11:29

YouTube. Thank you very much.

11:31

Thank you all very much. Yeah,

11:33

that's astounding. He's got live dates all

11:36

over the place. He's gonna be

11:38

in Huntington Beach, gonna be in Escondido,

11:40

he's out here in LA, then

11:42

it's off to Cincinnati. And

11:44

you go to Greg Fitzsimmons.com.

11:47

So Rudy is a funny stand

11:49

up comedian. And Rudy

11:51

is getting funnier every week. Every time

11:53

I go out with Rudy, I don't

11:55

see him for a couple of weeks

11:57

or whatever. And he goes out and

11:59

he's better. Yeah, like like a few

12:01

weeks later, really crushing it. Thank you.

12:03

And he's working on it. And he

12:05

he got with a guy who's a

12:07

coach or author of a book or

12:09

whatever you like reached out to him. And

12:12

it's, it's markedly better. Like it's, it's

12:14

just, it's a better product now. Substantially. Yeah.

12:16

You feel that. Absolutely. Yeah. The guy's

12:18

name is, and he doesn't, he doesn't pay

12:20

me to endorse the book. I just

12:22

read it. I reached out to him and

12:25

said, do you do any sort of

12:27

coaching? He said, absolutely. We

12:29

started working back and forth. I really put

12:31

what his book said. I put it into

12:33

action. And I'm telling you, in nine months,

12:35

I went from. Chuckles to like getting getting

12:37

laughs that were like when they hit you

12:39

can feel it inside of you like that

12:41

is it was such a big leap It's

12:43

called finding your comedic genius. It's by a

12:45

guy named Adam Bloom who is a British

12:47

guy hangs out with Jim Jefferies I have

12:49

turned everybody I know onto this book and

12:51

everybody who reads it goes man like it's

12:53

just the blueprint is right there and I

12:55

think sometimes There's so many books out there

12:57

that you can read and some are great

12:59

and there's oh there it is right there

13:01

Yeah, there are some that are good. There

13:03

are some that are whatever but this has everything

13:06

that that There was one thing in

13:08

the book. I always took away from

13:10

it and the he said it's what

13:12

you say how you say it and

13:14

what you look like and when those

13:16

three things are all in harmony That's

13:18

when you're gonna get your biggest laughs

13:20

and I started looking at all of

13:22

the comics that I like the most

13:24

and realizing what it was that they

13:26

were doing and started implementing that to

13:28

myself and I'm telling you it's worlds

13:30

of difference well, I mean I've sit

13:32

backstage and I can hear the results

13:34

I can hear hear the laughter So

13:36

it's interesting. And then it's also begs

13:38

the question of, all right, so then,

13:41

you know, should everyone be

13:43

embarking on this journey? You've

13:45

been doing stand up for 40

13:47

years. 36. 36. I

13:49

was rounding up. But 36 years you've

13:51

been doing stand up. And I

13:53

imagine you feel better now than you

13:55

did even eight years ago. Is

13:57

that true? Oh, I feel like, I

13:59

mean, I don't think I'd leave

14:01

the house if I didn't think that

14:04

there was a chance that I

14:06

was going to get a little bit

14:08

better tonight. You know, and I

14:10

really am buzzed when I had to

14:12

set the night before where I

14:14

feel like, like little mini breakthroughs. Like

14:16

I talked about a topic that

14:18

I've always wanted to, but didn't or

14:20

just the flow state, I think. I

14:23

think it's almost like your ability

14:25

to access the flow state gets

14:27

gets greater the longer you do

14:29

it because all the basics are

14:31

you've already figured them out or

14:33

you've internalized them and now you're

14:35

free to you know be more

14:37

in the moment. Yeah.

14:40

So I feel that

14:42

way too. And so

14:44

it's an interesting endeavor

14:46

in that almost everything

14:48

else in life you're

14:50

you're worse at. when

14:52

you're old. And

14:55

you get paid less

14:57

and you start getting sort

14:59

of pushed out of

15:01

the system. You slough off. And

15:03

I don't mean you slough off.

15:05

I mean, the definition of it

15:08

gets sloughed. You get sloughed off.

15:10

You go away. You

15:12

know, the number one version of that is

15:14

like sports. It's just you're 27. You're getting

15:16

a little too old for the NFL. Maybe

15:18

you can hang on for another year and

15:20

a half or something like that pushes you

15:22

out. But there's lots

15:24

of endeavors, you know, also like

15:27

victims of pedophilia. Yep.

15:29

They just age out. They age out.

15:31

That's right. All of a sudden, guys

15:33

stop looking. They don't see it

15:36

anymore. Right. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

15:38

Right. They age out of the

15:40

game. So I should

15:42

get rid of this adult onesie. Is that what

15:44

you're saying? Damn it. Oh,

15:46

God. I used to

15:48

do a couple of jokes

15:50

about pedophiles and helping them

15:52

out. And

15:57

I realized the audience. There

16:00

are two categories, which is

16:02

tips for pedophiles were one

16:04

of my one of my

16:06

ones. And then the other

16:08

one were. My

16:10

mom's dead jokes. I've realized there's

16:12

nothing. No matter how much I

16:14

enjoy these, I can never bring

16:16

the audience around. Yeah. Yeah. To

16:19

them. But it's a straightforward tip. Yeah.

16:22

And I see my thing is like, I'm

16:25

not really trying to help pedophiles

16:27

directly, but I'm looking for a

16:29

better way to do everything. Yeah.

16:32

And so many times I've

16:34

seen them. They drive from

16:36

Fresno to Merced. They're going

16:38

to where that's Newsom's trying

16:40

to build a bullet train

16:42

for pedophiles. Spread the word. They're

16:45

always in Fresno. They're always going to Merced

16:47

to come from Merced to Fresno, because always the

16:49

Fresno popo that tackles them on the lawn.

16:51

But I said, look, you're going on

16:53

a three hour drive, 20 minutes

16:55

where you roll in the town, just

16:57

order medium sized cheese pizza and have it

16:59

sent to the address. Then you just

17:02

park outside. And when the pizza gets dropped

17:04

off, the door opens up, you see

17:06

a boom mic. Just keep driving. Right.

17:08

It'll be the best nine dollars you ever

17:10

spent your life. Oh, I see.

17:12

But if the coast is clear, you

17:15

can enjoy some pizza with your

17:17

new friend and kids love pizza. Yeah.

17:20

And then the audience goes, oh, I'm

17:22

just I'm telling them. And also

17:24

you get the Hawaiian because that's

17:27

the one the kids really kids

17:29

love the Hawaiian. I

17:31

told Mark Garrickos this and

17:33

I said, listen, you

17:35

know, they go they bust you because

17:37

you've been You know talking to a

17:39

Who you thought was a 13 year

17:41

old on the internet saying all kinds

17:43

of horrible stuff But in reality it

17:45

was a 23 year old woman. Yeah,

17:47

don't you kind of win on a

17:50

technicality like can't you go Can

17:52

we see her ID? She's 23.

17:54

I was role -playing. I knew what I

17:56

was doing. I knew it wasn't a

17:59

13. for a stick, we should be

18:01

recruiting actual girls. 13 -year -olds. Yeah. And

18:03

then they would age out. They would

18:05

age out. Yeah. Of course. Because once

18:07

they're 18, the charge won't stick. Here's

18:09

your Hawaiian pizza. Thank

18:11

you for your service.

18:15

Where's the closest freeway? I'm

18:17

saying there's a world where

18:19

Garagos could say the person he

18:21

was talking to was not

18:24

a minor. Right. Now, maybe

18:26

he thought it, maybe he didn't think

18:28

it, but technically if he had had

18:30

sex with the person he was talking

18:32

to, it wouldn't have been statutory rape

18:34

because it was a 23 year old

18:36

police woman. All right. What about this?

18:39

I see a guy in

18:41

Daisy Dukes, cowboy boots, and

18:43

long hair walking down the street. I'm

18:45

a homophobe. I jump out. I beat the

18:47

shit out of him. I

18:49

get charged with, what do they call it

18:51

when you beat up guy? It's a

18:53

hate crime. hate crime. Well, I call it

18:55

Tuesday. It turns out. Talk

18:59

on Tuesday and beat up a gay

19:01

guy. That's right. Now, I get

19:03

charged with a hate crime. What if? Turns

19:05

out that guy's straight and we prove it

19:07

in court. We put some hot chicks in

19:10

the front row. Yeah, get some shots of

19:12

him staring at them. Now, can they still

19:14

charge me the hate crime if my intent

19:16

was to beat up a gay guy? I

19:19

don't know. That's interesting. I often said

19:21

the same with the Gay Olympics, where

19:23

it's like, well, how do we know

19:25

you guys aren't gay? If

19:28

you're really gay, you wouldn't let go of

19:30

that javelin. Someone's got

19:32

to pull their cock out and figure

19:34

this out. It

19:36

stops the riff -raff from joining the

19:38

gay Olympics just to beat up

19:40

on the gays, because you could

19:42

legally gay bash if you boxed

19:44

in the gay Olympics and you're

19:46

a straight guy who's a great

19:49

boxer, then it would be sanctioned

19:51

you beating up a gay guy.

19:54

Interesting. I like

19:56

that. Yeah, and in the wrestling. Yeah,

19:59

wrestling too. If you let go

20:01

after the win, you're not gay. Right,

20:03

right. Gay guy hands on. You

20:05

hang on until you finish. In

20:07

the gay Olympics. Yeah, singlets.

20:09

It's almost one of the gayest

20:11

outfits ever. The wrestling

20:13

outfit? Yeah, the singlet. Yeah, a

20:16

gay outfit. Whereas chaps is

20:18

gay and straight. Well,

20:20

it's a spandex onesie.

20:23

It's like you're onesie. Well,

20:26

it depends on what you wear underneath

20:28

the chaps. That makes them gay. That's all

20:30

the difference. It's all the difference. And

20:32

what behavior you're engaging in.

20:34

Like if you're shooing horses,

20:36

you're pretty well covered. But

20:38

if you're manning a glory

20:41

hole, then not as much.

20:43

Yeah. Right. Right. All

20:45

right. I got a plug for

20:47

showing. You don't need to see a picture

20:50

of a kind of single. But OK. Appreciate

20:52

that. I

20:54

have a special coming out as

20:56

well, and I'll try to explain

20:58

it to you. So my first

21:00

special I shot with Drybar is

21:02

going to be available at the

21:04

Angel Studios app, and it's in

21:06

front of the paywall, so you

21:09

can go watch it for free.

21:11

You don't have to pay anything

21:13

or sign up to watch it.

21:15

You can watch it. Wait, so

21:17

Drybar, is that clean? Does that

21:19

mean it's clean? Yes. Really? Yeah.

21:23

Big adjustment for you or were you pretty close

21:25

already? I did too

21:27

and it wasn't the

21:29

first was an adjustment.

21:33

The adjustment is really

21:35

the theme more than

21:37

the words. The

21:39

words are easily cleaned up

21:41

because you do enough. terrestrial

21:44

radio or you do enough

21:46

radio morning shows, you know, you

21:48

you clean it up. Yeah.

21:50

It's the ideas, you know, like

21:52

tips for pedophiles, you know,

21:54

that's not inherently a a it's

21:56

not laced with profanity, but

21:58

the notion of it is dirty.

22:01

Yeah. You know what I

22:03

mean? And so what you start

22:05

realizing is that a lot

22:07

of your jokes while

22:09

they may be missing shits in Fox,

22:11

have a theme that's sort of

22:13

of an adult nature to them. And

22:15

that's when it gets limiting. Yeah.

22:17

Like that's when you're like, oh, that

22:19

yeah. Can't do that. Yeah. Yeah.

22:22

Right. Did you did you was is

22:24

there like a list of regulations

22:26

that you try to kind of be

22:28

aware of or you just went

22:30

with your gut? No, like

22:32

you talked it like I tried to

22:34

talk to them like. Can

22:37

you say damn? Can you

22:39

say God, you know, can

22:41

can you substitute like, you

22:43

know, could you say? Affing

22:47

or something, you know, like I

22:49

wanted to get parameters before I did

22:51

it because I didn't want him

22:53

to do a bunch of stuff in

22:55

this hand. Well, it's not gonna

22:58

work. We can't do that. So like

23:00

I got the parameters down and

23:02

and then The first one I had

23:04

to think about a lot Um,

23:06

but the second one was pretty easy,

23:08

but you just go back to

23:10

writing jokes. Like you just go, I

23:13

got to write jokes. Yeah. And,

23:15

and you can have stories and stuff

23:17

like that. And it's not as

23:19

limiting as you think. And it's probably

23:21

a good exercise. Like I would

23:23

say every comedian should do it. sort

23:26

of for the challenge of doing it. I

23:28

don't know. It's like when they go, oh,

23:30

I'm going to do a, you know, a

23:32

bro, a bone broth cleanse or fast or

23:34

something for 48 hours. And you go, why

23:36

you're in good shape or you're not fat.

23:38

You go, yeah, just to kind of see

23:40

if I can, to see if I can

23:43

do it, you know, just to see if

23:45

I can pull it off. Right. And then

23:47

you can go right back to, you know,

23:49

eating a breakfast burrito, but like just this.

23:51

physically challenge yourself to do it. Now, Drybar

23:53

gets huge numbers, right? Is that why

23:56

you decided to do it there? I

23:58

was friendly with the guys from Angel

24:00

Studios, and I've interviewed them, and I've

24:02

talked to them a little bit, and

24:04

they just sort of threw it out.

24:06

Like, you should do it, whatever. And

24:08

I knew they did good numbers. And

24:12

I sort of, I looked at it

24:14

as a challenge. Yeah. I was like,

24:16

all right, so. And by the way,

24:18

this how you have to do stuff.

24:21

You go, okay, I'll do it. And

24:23

then they go, okay, we'll put a

24:25

date. And then you have a date. And

24:28

that date is four and a half months from

24:30

now or whatever it is. And then you can work

24:32

on it or not. But

24:34

I would argue you should

24:36

work on it, going into that

24:38

date. Yeah, I think there's

24:41

phases, just like grief, there's

24:43

denial and anger and all that stuff. And

24:45

I think it's the same thing working towards

24:47

a deadline. There's inspiration, then there's

24:49

fear, then there's a little

24:51

bit of acceptance, and then there's panic.

24:54

Yeah, and then there's also

24:56

some people, and they really

24:58

shouldn't do it, but I

25:00

think we know. They do

25:02

it. Some people have some

25:04

sort of break glass in

25:06

case of emergency, which is

25:08

just, they get 48 hours

25:10

from the date and do

25:12

some sort of family tragedy

25:15

bullshit. Or I think, I

25:17

think, I think I got

25:19

hepatitis C or COVID, COVID

25:21

was great. COVID would cover

25:23

everything. Got COVID, can't travel.

25:25

Just, just, they're people that

25:27

leave an out for themselves. And

25:30

I would argue rule that

25:32

out. Don't leave an out for

25:34

yourself. Yeah. Meaning this is

25:36

the date. They're selling the tickets.

25:38

I made the commitment. Some

25:41

people get right up. Well, we all

25:43

know the people. You get right to that.

25:45

and you get that phone call. It's

25:47

usually when you nod your head, where they

25:49

go, Sean can't come because,

25:51

oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

25:53

whatever it like. Right, somebody

25:55

dies. His grandmother died for the

25:57

27th time. Okay, great. Can't be

25:59

there running like, you know, flat

26:01

tire. You know, it's like all

26:03

the, don't be one of those

26:05

people. Just fucking suck it up. You

26:08

made the commitment. It didn't

26:10

help for me because,

26:13

I was just out traveling

26:15

around doing shows, doing theaters,

26:17

doing clubs, and I was

26:19

trying to run my 45 -minute

26:21

clean dry bar set, but

26:23

I knew the people in

26:25

Bozeman, Montana, or Casper, Wyoming,

26:27

who paid money to go

26:29

to a theater, they

26:32

didn't want to see Adam

26:34

Carolla do 45 minutes of

26:36

clean material practicing for his

26:38

dry bar run. So then I

26:40

would do 20 minutes of

26:42

it and then get back

26:44

to, you know, my pedophile

26:46

set. Well,

26:48

the kids are out there. And

26:51

then I'd go back and

26:53

try to grab a 10 minute

26:55

run of it, but I

26:57

never ran the whole thing together,

26:59

which was confusing. So then

27:01

I went. to the ice

27:04

house the night before I was leaving for

27:06

Provo to do it. And I said, I

27:08

better just run this 45 minutes beginning to

27:10

end. And so then I got up there

27:12

and I said, I just said, look, it's

27:14

a, you know, Wednesday night, we're at the

27:16

ice house. I go, look. I'm

27:18

doing a clean set. I'm running it.

27:20

I'm just going to run my 45

27:22

minute clean set and everyone started booing. What

27:27

a moment. It said nothing. They would

27:29

have been totally fine. I know. I know.

27:32

I should have said anything. And then

27:34

I was like, fuck. And so I started

27:36

with some scat shit, you know, for

27:38

like three minutes of scat shit. And then

27:40

I slid into the clean set and

27:42

they didn't know it. Yeah. And

27:44

then. Later on we had

27:46

this you guys know all you

27:49

guys know this comedian the guys like

27:51

in the green room at the

27:53

theater in Provo And he's the Christian

27:55

comedian or whatever nice guy. He's

27:57

gonna open Do whatever and he goes

27:59

you're doing us a clean set

28:01

I go. Yeah, he goes how many

28:03

times you run the set I

28:05

go once. He

28:08

goes, oh, wow. You

28:10

always that guy? You know what I mean?

28:12

Oh, thanks for that. that.

28:15

No, he didn't want you creeping into his

28:17

clean real estate. That's his zone. Yeah, I

28:19

guess so. He fucking got head. Well, there's

28:21

not a lot of people that can do

28:23

it. I mean, doing a clean set for

28:25

an hour. I mean, and the thing is,

28:27

if you can do it, you look it.

28:29

It's only like 40 to 45. Whatever. Whatever.

28:32

You know, but I mean, you

28:34

look at Gaffigan or Bergazzi.

28:37

and Berbiglia, these guys, they've

28:39

got 13 year olds

28:41

coming to their show.

28:44

I'm not saying they have an agenda. I'm

28:47

just saying their audiences are twice

28:49

as big because Brian Regan, he

28:51

plays Utah, he does 14 shows

28:53

a year or something in Utah

28:55

and packs them out. Yeah,

28:57

listen, it's

28:59

a kind of a thing that

29:01

You know, I think it's a little

29:04

bit of the new world order,

29:06

which is we get hived off and

29:08

our little enclaves of cool people

29:10

are atheist people who like to swear

29:12

a lot. And we don't really

29:14

know that there's anything going on, you

29:16

know, on the flyover states. I

29:19

mean, that was kind of the first.

29:21

Trump, Hillary Clinton election, like everyone I knew,

29:23

everyone in LA was like, what the

29:25

fuck just happened? I didn't know anybody. I'd

29:27

never met a person that even thought

29:29

about voting for Donald. How the hell did

29:32

he? Well, there's a whole bunch of

29:34

other people who you don't really associate with,

29:36

but they got wallets and they got

29:38

feet. Yeah. And they show up, you know?

29:40

No, it's pretty rare. And I'm filthy. And,

29:43

you know, I don't get a lot of

29:45

walkouts. Like I do. I've been doing a

29:47

lot of abortion jokes lately. And I do

29:49

get a little bit, which I enjoy. I

29:51

love a good walkout. But I mean, I

29:53

think people that come to a club are

29:55

sort of by default are ready to see

29:57

any kind of material. Yeah. That's

29:59

leaving out all the people that don't

30:01

go to the club because they don't

30:03

want to. They don't want that. They

30:05

love comedy. Yeah. They don't want that.

30:07

you know, nightclub, you know,

30:09

people trying to push boundaries on

30:12

purpose. Yeah. Well, then the baked

30:14

in problem comes in. And so then

30:16

I went back and I shot another

30:18

special, like, I don't know, three or

30:20

four months later. So now

30:22

we're talking like, you know, 90

30:25

minutes of clean standup. I didn't

30:27

know I had. But here's the

30:29

thing. So

30:31

then if it gets real

30:33

popular on Drybar on YouTube. then

30:36

people come out to see your show, and

30:38

I'm doing all my pedophile material, and there's

30:40

a lot of walkouts. Yeah, I was gonna

30:42

say, I got a friend of mine, Heath

30:44

Harmuson comic, who did the first ever dry

30:46

bar. The first? The first, first out the

30:48

gate, and he was like, and he didn't

30:50

know what it was going to be, and

30:52

then it blew up, and all of a

30:54

sudden the shows start packing out, and people

30:56

are going, whoa, this is not the guy

30:59

that we saw in that squeaky clean Christian

31:01

comedy channel. No, that's like. wildly different. Yeah,

31:03

that's like showing up with roses on the

31:05

first date. Yeah. And, you know, yeah,

31:07

yeah, picking up the check, setting all

31:09

those standards. I used to do a regret

31:12

later. There was a Christian club in

31:14

Minneapolis that I would do that. There was

31:16

the first club that ever let me

31:18

headline. So I would go there and do

31:20

45 minutes of super squeaky, clean material.

31:22

Are you Christian? I mean, a little bit.

31:24

Yeah. I guess agnostic a little bit.

31:27

I don't know. I kind of go agnostic

31:29

or agnostic. Well, I guess my daughter

31:31

goes to a. private Catholic school. So I

31:33

got one foot in, one foot out

31:35

half the time. Well, do you believe that

31:37

Jesus Christ rose from the dead? No,

31:39

I don't go that far. Do you believe

31:41

that he walked on water? No. Do

31:44

you think he might have water skied? Yes,

31:46

absolutely. Barefoot water skied. I

31:50

believe the water skiing and the wine part,

31:52

but everything else. So like Easter, this Sunday,

31:54

you went to church. I did not go

31:56

to church. No. No, I'm a big believer

31:58

in a somewhat of a higher power, because

32:00

sometimes I have things that happen in my

32:02

life where I go, there is no way

32:04

there can't be something out there that put

32:06

this thing in motion. It's impossible. There's no

32:08

way that this is just coincidence. So

32:11

not that I'm like a big Bible banger,

32:13

but I'm also not one of those guys who's

32:15

like. I guess I would just hate to

32:17

die. And then at the end go, oh, fuck,

32:19

I was wrong. So you're hedging your bet.

32:22

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

32:24

So that's why I sent my daughter to

32:26

a Catholic school, because I like what they're teaching

32:28

over there. Yeah. You know, it's a little

32:30

different now. It used to be, you know, no

32:32

meet on Fridays. That was

32:34

like that was how strict the school

32:36

was. And now and now they're more

32:38

like, hey, if you want your kids

32:40

to get a good education. and you

32:43

don't want them to go to the

32:45

insane public school that's right down the

32:47

street from us, feel free to send

32:49

them here. And that's what we did.

32:51

Well, right. And my son actually went

32:53

to a Catholic college. He went to

32:55

DePaul in Chicago, which is the largest

32:57

Catholic employer in the country of any

33:00

church or whatever. Yeah, it's a huge

33:02

university. And look, I was raised devoutly

33:04

Catholic, and I believed in God. I

33:06

used to talk to Jesus in my

33:08

head like a lot. I mean, I

33:10

really, when I took a They taught

33:12

a class in high school called the

33:14

Bible as World Literature. You should go

33:17

to a public or private? Private. Oh,

33:19

okay, because I wouldn't have taught that

33:21

in North Hollywood, huh? This was an

33:23

atheist private school. And when I read

33:25

about how many other parables, meaning all

33:27

of them, were around in previous pagan

33:29

texts and other world religions, and

33:32

that Catholicism is really a distillation

33:34

of a bunch of stories that were

33:36

earlier, I was... Devastated I was

33:38

in a funk for a like an

33:40

existential crisis for like a year

33:42

and then I Said still there's still

33:44

a part of the church that

33:46

I love I but I go with

33:48

my mother when she's in town

33:50

And there's something very it's more than

33:52

just nostalgic. There's something very deep

33:54

that happens to me when I go

33:56

to church Yeah, I went I

33:58

went on Sunday. You did. Yeah, good.

34:00

No religious at all, but It's

34:02

good. He did his pedophile set there.

34:06

Have you noticed the altar boys

34:08

have changed in church? Way hotter

34:10

now. No, no, no. I'm saying

34:12

they're big. They look like fucking

34:14

rugby players. Nobody's sending that insecure, no

34:17

-eye contact 13 -year -old in there

34:19

anymore. The one who doesn't talk

34:21

about shit that happened. These kids

34:23

are vocal. And they're big. Yeah,

34:26

they had a full band and everyone

34:28

was playing. Oh, nice. And yeah, was

34:30

it was very it was very enjoyable.

34:33

And, you know, I file

34:35

it under like I do the

34:37

cold plunge in the morning or the

34:39

cold shower. You know, people go,

34:41

why? You got joint pain or inflammation?

34:43

I go, no, I just do

34:45

it because it couldn't hurt. Yeah. You

34:48

know what I mean? It's like

34:50

you're live. It's good. Yeah. especially

34:52

if you really think, you know,

34:54

I can sit on a sofa and

34:56

spend an hour doing fucking nothing. Yeah.

35:00

And you walk out of church, you feel good. Yeah,

35:02

you feel good. And then

35:05

also you kind of feel like

35:07

these are like -minded people who

35:09

are off to do something positive today,

35:11

and I don't have to worry about one

35:13

of them following me out to my

35:15

car and shiving me or something like these

35:17

are good folks. And then they do

35:19

that thing where they tell everyone say hi

35:22

to everyone around them, you know, and

35:24

the guy in front of me turned around

35:26

and went, I like your show. But

35:28

I didn't ask him which show, because you know, we're

35:30

the house of the Lord. But there's

35:32

more than one show. I

35:34

don't know which one he's talking

35:36

about. Well, also, we're talking,

35:38

you know, we're not talking deep

35:40

south, small town Baptist church,

35:42

where people are there because if

35:44

you're not there, you get

35:47

ostracized. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's

35:49

a lot of churches, people

35:51

are there for the wrong reason.

35:53

And I'm not blaspheming the

35:55

Baptist church. I'm just saying there

35:57

are small town church mentalities

35:59

that are not here. Yeah, this

36:01

is volitional. church. This is

36:03

the difference between showing up at

36:05

an AA meeting and showing

36:07

up at a court appointed AA

36:09

meeting. That's the third DUI

36:11

ankle bracelet, sweat coming down your

36:13

forehead, bottle of cutty

36:15

shark in the car, waiting for

36:17

you. Just got to get that

36:19

stamp versus you volunteering yourself to

36:22

AA. Did you do the

36:24

12 steps and the 13th one

36:26

is more of a stumble? Right. All

36:29

right. I got other stuff to

36:31

talk about. I was

36:33

I was watching my own vlog as

36:35

I went through Malibu and looked

36:37

at the cleanup and stuff like that.

36:39

I hadn't seen the latest cut

36:41

of it. And I was watching it.

36:43

It's on the Adam Kroll vlog.

36:45

Would I go through talk to the

36:47

Army Corps engineers guy and all

36:50

that. You actually went there. I went.

36:52

Yes. I went on. And so

36:54

on on a whim. I

36:56

just went, Andrew

36:59

over here is like a

37:01

videographer. He likes taking videos

37:03

of people, underage girls

37:05

mainly, but he said, we can do a

37:07

middle -aged comedian if we like. Break it up.

37:10

We'll shoot it. And he

37:12

said, well, why don't we just go

37:14

back to Malibu and you can just

37:16

go sift through the rubble of Malibu

37:18

and I'll just capture it on a

37:20

video. And I said, all

37:23

right. And I don't. I've never I'm

37:25

self -conscious about the video people because it's

37:27

like someone goes I'm gonna make scrambled

37:29

eggs. Where do I set up the

37:31

camera? It's like what kind of narcissist

37:33

do you have to be to explain

37:35

that you need to be filmed making

37:37

an omelet like what the fuck and

37:40

a lot of people Do it and

37:42

it's not that good and I'm like

37:44

leave it alone But I was

37:46

like, all right, I live in Malibu and

37:48

the whole place burnt down and my place

37:50

didn't, but everything around it burned down. And

37:52

I guess we should go document it. So

37:54

I got in there and we filmed it

37:56

and we whacked it up. We made a

37:58

little vlog out of it and it got

38:01

very popular and got a lot of views.

38:03

So then it was like, all right, well,

38:05

we should do another one. So we did,

38:07

we did another one. And

38:09

it's interesting to me because

38:11

the The drone

38:13

shots, you can see it on that TV

38:15

set. The drone shots are insane when

38:17

you think about how much stuff has been

38:19

destroyed. So anyway, you don't have to

38:21

show it, but I got the Army Corps

38:23

engineers guy. And

38:26

we went in toward the Palisades,

38:28

we toured Malibu, and it's

38:30

utter devastation. I don't know, 6

38:32

,500 structures down, blah, blah, blah.

38:34

But then I was watching

38:36

it, and I said, what's

38:38

it gonna cost to get

38:40

this place? cleaned up. And

38:42

it's it's Herculean. They they

38:44

take Tomesco Canyon, they block

38:46

it off. They put in

38:48

a full concrete pulverizer and

38:50

a full recycling steel recycling

38:52

center dump trucks and skip

38:54

loaders and excavators. It's just

38:56

it's a never ending army.

38:58

And are they hazmat suits?

39:00

Because this is pretty toxic

39:02

stuff. No, they're not hazmat

39:04

suits. I can kind of

39:07

explain how they do it.

39:09

They They take the fire

39:11

debris. The fire debris is

39:13

the first thing they take,

39:15

which is sofas and the

39:17

stuff that's burnt, you know

39:19

what I mean? Just whatever, throw

39:21

pillows and anything on your

39:23

house, wood, anything, anything's down.

39:25

That's what's on top. That's a fire

39:27

debris. Those trucks

39:30

are like sort of

39:32

hazmatty dump trucks. Those

39:34

things are lined

39:36

with six mil, he

39:38

said. plastic, thick

39:40

plastic, all the fire

39:42

ash debris goes into that.

39:44

It gets like sealed up

39:46

and driven to a landfill

39:48

where only poor people live

39:50

and dropped off, dropped off.

39:52

Some protocol went down or,

39:54

you know, whatever, whatever they

39:56

do that. Then once that's

39:58

all removed, then the equipment

40:00

comes in, they start tearing

40:02

down the steel and busting

40:04

up the concrete and they're

40:06

pulling everything out. But Every

40:09

parcel, it's a

40:12

huge project. It's like busting

40:14

out all the concrete and

40:16

all the pilasters and piers

40:18

and caissons. It's a big

40:20

job and trucks and heavy

40:22

equipment and everything. But

40:24

anyway, it struck me that I

40:26

go, what's it gonna cost

40:28

to get this entire place cleaned

40:30

out? Not rebuilt, but clean,

40:32

but there's tons and tons of

40:34

debris and waste. 1200

40:37

trucks, hundreds of excavators,

40:39

hundreds of everything. And

40:41

he goes, it's probably like

40:44

two to three billion, he

40:46

said. And I was like,

40:48

oh, he said two billion, but maybe three

40:50

billion to clean it all because it's such

40:52

a huge shot. Yeah, could mean five. But

40:54

then I thought about it. I was watching.

40:56

was like, do we just

40:58

spend 24 billion on homelessness?

41:00

I don't see one youth

41:02

center. I don't see

41:04

one apartment like this guy's. It's

41:07

two or three billion, but you're

41:09

seeing trucks and equipment and an

41:11

army. Like this is an army

41:13

of human beings. I

41:15

don't see anything for 24. We

41:17

just spent that. I don't

41:19

see anything. I just see more

41:21

homeless people. I would like

41:23

to see some sort of high

41:26

rise homeless luxury living or

41:28

some sort of a fleet of

41:30

mobile rehab fans or something. I

41:33

don't see anything. I just

41:35

see more homeless. I don't know

41:37

where the fuck that money

41:39

went. But I thought they're talking

41:41

about completely scraping Malibu, the

41:43

Palisades. And I don't know

41:45

if that includes Alta Dina as well,

41:48

but the Malibu policies are, it's a

41:50

Herculean task. They're going to do it

41:52

all. And they're going to do it

41:54

for like one eighth the price that

41:56

we just, or ninth that we just

41:58

spent on homelessness, but I, except for,

42:00

I don't know where any of that

42:02

went. So it made me sad. There

42:05

was that. The other thing

42:07

connected to that is there was

42:09

a clip. Politicians

42:12

are now like they do this thing where

42:14

they go unacceptable. You know, they

42:16

go, they go, there was

42:18

a school shooting 13 dead kids.

42:22

This is unacceptable. It's like, well, get used

42:24

to it, bro, because it just happened. You

42:26

know what I mean? Like 12 kids. Is

42:28

that acceptable? And then how does it work?

42:30

Like when somebody backs into you in a

42:32

parking lot and takes out a quarter panel,

42:34

do you walk out of your car and

42:36

go, this is unacceptable? Like, I don't know.

42:39

Look. If somebody possesses a

42:41

time machine, I'm all ears. But

42:43

if it's already happened, then accept

42:45

it and figure out ways to

42:47

remedy it. So this is a

42:49

new thing. I think it's kind

42:51

of a chick politician thing where

42:53

they just announce something bad and

42:55

then they go unacceptable. Well,

42:59

it was well, we'll just play 30

43:01

seconds of it because it made

43:03

me laugh. This our mayor. It's unacceptable

43:05

for people to live in squalor

43:07

on our streets. This is Los Angeles.

43:10

I like that. This is Los Ed.

43:12

Yes, I agree. It's unacceptable. And I

43:14

agree. We live in Los Angeles, but

43:16

also agree. There's homeless people everywhere. So,

43:18

bitch, you got to do something about

43:20

it. I know it's unacceptable. Get

43:23

your mind around it. Wrap your mind

43:25

around what everyone is seeing. And let's

43:27

make a move or maybe we'll get

43:29

the Army Corps engineers back. Get them

43:31

to do some clean -up. it kind

43:33

of externalizes the problem. Yes, it externalizes

43:35

the problem. If it's so unacceptable, feel

43:37

free to grab a shovel and start

43:39

working. Yeah, it takes

43:41

it and it's a

43:43

new thing which is

43:45

good. It was always

43:47

my theory. Gavin Newsom

43:50

will do it too.

43:52

The interview Gavin Newsom

43:54

will go, the

43:56

homeless problem in California, he'll

43:58

go, it's disgusting. It's disgusting. It's

44:01

unacceptable. It's like, yeah,

44:03

okay. But that's kind

44:05

of you who's doing it.

44:07

But I always had

44:09

this theory that pro athletes,

44:12

black athletes, always did

44:14

the third person thing because

44:16

it worked. And at

44:18

some point, if you do the

44:20

third person thing enough, at

44:22

some point, if you get accused of cheating,

44:25

your wife will go, you're fucking cheating.

44:27

And you go, I don't think

44:30

Carl Malone would do something like that.

44:32

talking about you. Ricky Henderson

44:35

doesn't cheat. I'm

44:37

asking you. Well, I can talk to Rick.

44:39

It's almost like we should get rid. I

44:41

don't know why you're talking to me. Ricky

44:43

Henderson doesn't cheat. Yeah. Do third person thing.

44:45

You're not in it anymore. You're out of

44:47

it. Right. I remember I spoke

44:50

to Ricky Henderson. He said it's unacceptable. Ricky

44:53

Henderson said cheating is unacceptable. Now

44:55

what's for dinner? Yeah, we've settled

44:57

this. Yeah. Ricky Henderson

44:59

does not approve of this.

45:01

It was Ricky Henderson, the

45:03

most third -person speaker ever. Yeah,

45:05

I think George Foreman might have done a

45:07

little bit of that too. Well, he just named

45:09

every one of his kids George. Yeah, you

45:11

punch them ahead that many times. It's hard to

45:13

keep names intact. They are

45:16

not athletes aren't doing the

45:18

third person anymore. No,

45:20

you're right. Yeah, you don't hear

45:22

LeBron do that. No, no. I think

45:24

Jimmy Butler does it though. Jimmy

45:26

Butler might be one of those guys

45:28

that's like, Jimmy Butler came out

45:30

to play tonight. Jimmy Butler ain't walking

45:32

away without a championship. Yeah, LeBron

45:34

would do like, I'm taking my talents

45:36

to Miami, which is a little

45:38

jerky offy, but it's not third person.

45:40

I think they don't do it.

45:42

I don't know if that maybe... the

45:44

rookie symposium, somebody coached him up

45:46

like, listen, wear a condom. The chick

45:48

waiting the lobby is not your

45:50

friend. She's a ho. And by the

45:52

way, knock off the third person

45:54

thing makes white people nauseous. No, no,

45:56

no, it's a knock. You don't

45:58

want it. Yeah. I think there's like

46:00

video of Chris Carter from the

46:02

Minnesota Vikings basically telling kids like an

46:04

NFL rookie conference, like, don't

46:07

be out there knocking up chicks. Save your

46:09

money because trust me. Chris

46:11

Carter has been through this before. Oh,

46:13

really? A third person and a

46:15

rookie symposium. you might drop a Chris.

46:17

You guys should look it up.

46:19

But I think he drops it. Well,

46:21

he's talking about a different tense

46:23

of Chris Carter. Sure. He's talking about

46:25

previous Chris Carter who used to

46:27

bang groupies. Yeah. Christopher Carter, however, has

46:29

his head on straight. Now,

46:31

we can also find my

46:34

Chris Carter is Godzuki picture because.

46:37

Chris Carter could also be mistaken

46:39

for Godzilla's youngest son, Godzuki,

46:41

by the way. yeah. When you

46:43

see the picture, you'll go...

46:45

Oh, yeah. Yeah. When

46:47

would Chris Carter and Randy Moss run the

46:50

same team at the same time? I lived down

46:52

the street. Crazy. Yeah. I lived down the

46:54

street from the Metrodome during that time, and it

46:56

was wild. Look at that. You are so

46:58

spot -on. Wow. Let me

47:00

ask you, which picture did you

47:02

see first and then equate it to

47:04

the other one? Did you see

47:06

Chris Carter and go, you know what

47:08

that looks like? Or did you

47:11

see Gadzuki and then go, man, that's

47:13

Chris Carter? It's funny because in

47:15

the realm of we started off today

47:17

talking about sense of direction and

47:19

I always have sense of person. Like

47:21

I go, that guy looks like,

47:23

and then it's always everyone who's around

47:25

me's job. Jimmy

47:27

would do this all the time. He'd go, that

47:31

guy doesn't look. anything like that

47:33

guy, which makes me an insane person, you know

47:35

what I mean? Like he looks nothing. Like

47:37

I don't know why the people have to

47:39

emphasize that. You know, just go, they could go.

47:42

Never thought about it, but I could

47:44

see. I don't know. Well, let's see

47:46

a picture of it. So they just

47:48

go, he looks nothing like that, which

47:51

makes you an insane person. And also

47:53

he looks something like him because they're

47:55

like both white guys. They're both about

47:57

the same age. You're both at the

47:59

cliff. Jen, like, why are you doing

48:01

the nothing? Yeah. And maybe you're just

48:03

being combative. There's one of Ellen

48:05

DeGeneres and some Elfin. Can you find that?

48:07

It's I think it might have been

48:09

a Star Wars character. but I forget it's

48:11

an elf and it's exact. Wow. She

48:14

moved to England by then. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

48:16

With the road. I think she wanted

48:18

to move to a country where being called

48:20

a con was kind of a good

48:22

thing. Yeah. Have you been over there to

48:24

visit recently? I gotta go punch up

48:26

some stuff for her. Keyword

48:30

is punch. Also,

48:32

it's so funny when any celebrity

48:34

goes abroad, they're always like, it's

48:36

great. Yeah, because you're not staying

48:38

in a youth hostel. You're fucking,

48:40

you have acreage, you have money.

48:42

Like you can go anywhere and

48:44

just enjoy it if in fact

48:46

you're not working and you're living

48:48

on someone's estate. Like, yeah, it's

48:50

great. Right. And people are nice.

48:52

Yeah, they're called servants. Yeah, right.

48:55

And then there was, she

48:57

moved into a house, which was

48:59

a historic home, and then she picked

49:01

some small town, just to fucking

49:03

ruin 5 ,000 people's lives. And

49:05

then she started a plant,

49:07

you know, buys a... castle lighthouse

49:10

and then begins an extension,

49:12

which was encroaching on like a

49:14

waterway that was thousands of

49:16

years old. Like the neighbors were

49:18

just like, Hey, what the

49:20

fuck already? Like literally three

49:22

months into moving there. She

49:24

was already pissing everybody off. Now

49:27

you've got to wonder in this,

49:29

we know it like we, we understand

49:31

the male female dynamic. you know,

49:33

like when you go, well, there's Trump

49:35

and there's Melania. And then people

49:37

go, you know, she's fucking miserable, but

49:39

she puts up with it because

49:41

she gets to do it. But she's

49:43

got to fucking hold her nose

49:45

and sleep with the guy maybe maybe

49:47

twice a year. I don't know.

49:49

I mean, she knows he's having a

49:51

fair. You know, there's got to

49:54

be a Porsche to Rossi version of

49:56

what we're talking about. Is it?

49:58

There's got to be. Right. Like I

50:00

don't think lesbians don't have dynamics

50:02

to our guys don't have. It's not

50:04

just heterosexuals that have this. dynamic,

50:06

you know, like she's, I bet you

50:08

she's a nice -ish person who doesn't

50:10

want to give up the lifestyle. I

50:13

mean, it's just great affection

50:15

for Ellen or she kind of

50:17

putting up with it because

50:19

they get to do whatever they

50:21

want. can tell you first

50:23

person with two years experience, it's

50:25

impossible that she thinks she's

50:27

a good person. Right that

50:29

Porsche thinks Ellen's a good

50:31

person. There's no possibility. It's

50:34

impossible. No, there's only dysfunction and

50:36

some kind of like needing

50:38

a parent needing You

50:41

know, I don't think it's as simple

50:43

as money because you can get money easier

50:45

than living with Ellen. To

50:47

give credit where credit is due,

50:50

Portia and Ellen were on CBS Sunday morning doing

50:52

an interview once. And I will admit, this

50:54

is a funny joke, but you could kind of

50:56

see it in Portia's eyes where she was

50:58

a little like, ouch, kind of hurt. So they

51:00

had asked the couple, how did you guys

51:02

meet? And they're explaining it. And they go, what

51:04

were your first thoughts? And Portia said, to

51:06

be honest, I thought Ellen was going to think

51:08

I was fat. And then they asked Ellen,

51:11

what did you think? And she said, well, I

51:13

thought she was fat. Which is

51:15

a funny joke. But

51:17

then at the same, you kind of saw

51:19

Portia laugh, but there was a little bit of

51:21

dendurice. She went for the joke over her.

51:23

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. We have

51:25

a side -by -side of Ellen

51:27

and no sforatu. What? There

51:30

it is. Oh, I thought it

51:32

was a sprite. I didn't know it

51:34

was the devil. That's

51:36

great. That's good. All

51:38

right, now we gotta do

51:40

gay James Von Prague psychic James

51:43

Von Prague is gay Larry

51:45

Zonka that I I've never been

51:47

proud of myself. No one

51:49

knows what I'm talking about, but

51:51

undefeated Miami great running back

51:53

Larry Zonka. And I've

51:55

say all the time, I'm

51:57

not saying James Von Prague

51:59

is gay. I'm just saying.

52:01

if Larry Zonka was gay, he

52:04

would look like James Van Prok. That's

52:06

all. But I'm not

52:09

saying he's gay. Wow. But

52:11

is that the gay Larry Zonka or

52:13

isn't it? That does not look anything.

52:16

That's what Jimmy would say. I

52:19

was like when they preface it with,

52:21

are you crazy? Are you insane? That looks

52:23

nothing. It's always like, I

52:25

like the stuff people say that would

52:27

make you certifiably insane. Now, I can

52:29

see you going Dan Dierdorf, but definitely

52:31

not Larry Sanka. I can see Tom

52:34

Selleck in that, too. But

52:36

he's the gay Larry Sanka.

52:38

That's my boy. Wow. Dan

52:40

Dierdorf is just a push. No one's gay.

52:42

No, you're right. You're right. Oh, man. And

52:44

I don't know which one is which now.

52:46

I don't either. Well, which one

52:48

sucks cock? That's how you'll know. Which

52:51

one is a little caked up mustache? That's

52:53

right. All right.

52:55

I wonder if we can

52:57

get. Portia de Rossi

52:59

away from Alan and tell

53:01

her that former model

53:04

Christina Ferrari is available and

53:06

ready to go lesbian

53:08

and your name would be

53:10

Portia Ferrari. Oh, if

53:13

you were able to solidify

53:15

these nuptials, you could

53:17

become Portia Ferrari. I

53:19

mean, right out of speed racer.

53:21

There's no better name than Portia

53:23

Ferrari. What a fucking name. Damn.

53:25

You. Oh, and I've said it

53:27

on this show. You know Christina

53:29

Ferrari was married to John DeLorean. Is

53:32

that right? Yeah. What? She

53:34

was a Ferrari DeLorean. They

53:36

hyphenate? I don't think

53:38

they hyphenate, but Christina Ferrari is a

53:41

model and a talk show host.

53:43

And I did her show like back

53:45

in the late 90s, early 2000s

53:47

or something like that. But she was

53:49

with DeLorean. Yeah, my girlfriend's name

53:51

is Mary Jean Tercel. So.

53:53

Oh, really? I was a bummer. It didn't

53:56

work out. It didn't work out. Son

53:58

of a bitch. on down and tell

54:00

her to hook up with Corolla over here.

54:02

Wow. All right. She's

54:04

married. Yeah, married to

54:07

John DeLorean from 73

54:09

to 85 prime DeLorean

54:11

years, prime DeLorean years.

54:13

Didn't he go to prison for cocaine?

54:15

Yeah, he had to undercover. Bust

54:18

yeah, his daughter went to

54:20

my high school. Oh, really and

54:22

she drove a DeLorean to

54:24

school really yep, and She must

54:26

have been wait a minute.

54:28

Was she a product of this

54:30

now? She would

54:32

have been in 1963

54:35

we graduated This

54:37

is no you had

54:39

been 83 73 Oh,

54:42

84, sorry. This would have

54:44

been from a previous DeLorean

54:46

marriage, because the offspring of

54:48

Christina Ferrari, who's beautiful,

54:50

she was a model, and then DeLorean would

54:52

probably be a pretty good -looking young lass.

54:54

This woman was very trash. She was

54:56

tall. Yeah. No trouble getting

54:59

under those hydraulic lift doors.

55:01

The gold wings. Yeah. Mm -hmm.

55:03

Yeah. Those cars were total

55:05

turds, by the way. They didn't

55:07

run fat. right? Yeah, they were

55:09

slow as shit. They're no good,

55:11

but... iconic. Well, that's because

55:13

they didn't have the what was the

55:15

engine they put it in back to

55:17

the future. Oh, but I. Yeah. What

55:20

was that? So flux

55:22

capacitor capacitor. It needs a

55:24

flux capacitor ran on trash.

55:27

All right. We will. Yeah. He got

55:29

busted in 82. I mean, to

55:31

be fair to him, he was trying

55:33

to raise money to keep his

55:35

car company alive. Yeah.

55:38

No, there's great documentary about it. Yeah, yeah.

55:40

There's a good, there's a couple. I

55:42

think there's one where Alec Baldwin plays DeLorean.

55:45

And then there's another, another one as well.

55:47

But anyway, he wanted to bankroll his

55:49

company. I don't know. I'm sort

55:51

of sympathetic to guys who go like, look,

55:53

I got this, I got this factory. I

55:56

got 2000 people working there. I'm going under

55:58

and then someone goes, I can make you

56:00

five million bucks in two days, but you

56:02

got to fucking. move some coke around, and

56:04

I kind of get where they go, okay,

56:06

I want to keep the factory going. What's

56:08

your stance on? You're in Florida on vacation. Yeah.

56:11

You know, you're doing a little

56:13

body surfing, and this bag rolls up

56:15

next to your head. Uh -huh. Kilo

56:17

cocaine. What does Adam Carolla do with

56:19

it? Uh, well, I'll

56:21

speak in the third person. Well,

56:26

first I do a move that I

56:28

learned from every cop show of the 70s,

56:30

which I put my pinky nail into

56:32

it and I taste it. That's

56:35

pure great. Then

56:37

I give a street value. They

56:40

somehow know what the street value is,

56:42

you know. And no one goes, hey,

56:44

Bob, how do you know exactly what

56:46

cocaine tastes like? Exactly again. Once again,

56:48

he stood the weird. It was like,

56:50

they know. They teach at the academy.

56:53

Yeah. Yeah. Now, if you're a drug

56:55

kingpin, you do the same move, but

56:57

with a stiletto. You pop the stiletto,

56:59

push it in there, and then you

57:01

taste it. Because you're scary, but

57:03

if you're a cop, you do it with

57:05

your fingernail. So I

57:07

announced its street grade, the

57:09

street value of it, and it's

57:11

pure, and whatever it is. And

57:14

then after that, I think I'd do

57:16

a freeze just to dip my foot

57:18

in the pool, just to see what

57:20

was going on. Providing yourself for your

57:22

20s. Yeah, just do a little gum

57:25

freeze just to get that flavor going

57:27

on. And then I

57:29

would probably not want to be

57:31

seen selling it, but I would

57:33

probably find the guy who walks

57:35

along the beach, the Mexican guy

57:37

who's selling stuff on the beach.

57:39

Oh, he's got pineapples. Yeah, he's

57:41

got papayas. He's got a machete,

57:43

maybe maybe a marionette, like a

57:45

skeleton marionette, like that, a blanket,

57:47

a sombrero. One of those boogie

57:50

boards that snaps in half on

57:52

the first wave. Yeah, yeah. Right. I

57:55

would tell that guy, listen, I will

57:57

kiss you into as much of this as

57:59

you can move. Kiss you. I'll

58:04

let you wet your beak, all right, Jose?

58:07

I'll let you get a taste. You're going

58:09

to have to move it. You know

58:11

what I mean? I like it. Yeah. All

58:13

right, well, take a break. We'll do

58:15

some news right after this. Chime.

58:23

Everything is more expensive these

58:25

days. My thing

58:27

about my parents first house in

58:30

the valley was $10 ,000. Now

58:32

you can't get a decent steak meal

58:34

with five buddies for that kind of

58:36

bread anymore. Look, there's a

58:39

better way. You can

58:41

build credit with money

58:43

you set aside and avoid

58:45

interest or expensive debt

58:47

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I right Dawson? Home

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1:00:44

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Riley, auto

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pause. Oh, oh, oh,

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oh. That's right. Should

1:01:43

be in every jukebox in America. Like

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there is such a thing anymore.

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slash Adam. That's

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oreillyauto.com slash Adam. And

1:02:42

so I go into the doctor, and

1:02:44

I'm at that age now where the

1:02:46

doctor puts his finger in my ass.

1:02:49

You know, I'm fine with it. Like, I don't have

1:02:51

a problem with the doctor doing that. But don't, they

1:02:54

always feel like they gotta make a joke first. Before

1:02:56

they, like, delight in the mood, they're gonna make a,

1:02:58

give me a little humor. Here's the thing, I'm a

1:03:00

comedian. Don't tell me a joke. Okay?

1:03:02

You don't tell me a joke, and then

1:03:04

afterwards, I won't stuff my finger up your

1:03:06

ass. How about that? Greg

1:03:09

Fitzsimons is on the Adam Corolla

1:03:11

show. Yeah, I never get the

1:03:13

light and the mood thing. I don't, I

1:03:15

feel like we should just do this. My

1:03:18

doctor literally does it every time and he,

1:03:20

and he's always got new material. I don't know

1:03:22

where he's workshopping it. Maybe

1:03:24

he's working with Rudy's guy. Could be.

1:03:26

Hey, speaking of material, I want to bring

1:03:28

it up. My favorite episode ever of the

1:03:30

Adam Corolla show. Because if you don't know,

1:03:32

Greg, I edit everything like the

1:03:35

YouTube, the Rumble version. I edit I didn't

1:03:37

know that. Yeah, I edit everything for the

1:03:39

show video -wise. Yeah. One of my favorite episodes

1:03:41

of all time is you had just put

1:03:43

out your special. For

1:03:45

45 minutes talk to Adam about

1:03:47

the process and how it took years

1:03:50

to be able to hone this

1:03:52

craft and you're so proud of all

1:03:54

this new material and Immediately smash

1:03:56

cut to the next guest. I can't

1:03:58

remember her name, but she said

1:04:00

that she had put out a stand

1:04:02

-up special And worked on it for

1:04:04

two weeks But the poison grace

1:04:06

you had to sit there and not

1:04:08

choke her through the microphone I

1:04:10

I go back and we watch it

1:04:12

every now and then like, look

1:04:14

at him just sitting there. So I

1:04:16

can see I wanted you wanted

1:04:18

to freak out. You're like really two

1:04:21

weeks. That's all it took. She

1:04:23

was Asian and from Canada. Right.

1:04:25

And I think it was it

1:04:27

was actually sublime how. It wasn't

1:04:30

even awkward. It was surreal and

1:04:32

so funny that commenting on it

1:04:34

would have taken all the energy

1:04:36

away from it. Just to hear,

1:04:38

because you know 100 % of the

1:04:40

audience is thinking the same thing

1:04:43

as me. So to put a

1:04:45

light on it would have been

1:04:47

to ruin it. Yeah, that

1:04:49

was one of my famous, I mean,

1:04:51

many Mike August conversations were in advance. was

1:04:53

like, I don't know who this person

1:04:55

is. She's big, big in Canada, big on

1:04:57

YouTube. She doesn't have any YouTube stuff.

1:05:00

She's big. You know, I don't know what

1:05:02

I don't know that because I don't

1:05:04

I've never heard of her big in Canada.

1:05:06

I'm like, she is. I can't

1:05:08

find the evidence of that. Yeah. Turned

1:05:10

out it was probably. Yeah. Now, this is

1:05:12

an Asian woman who does crowd work

1:05:14

on that somehow my TikTok feeds me. and

1:05:17

I'm obsessed because I literally watch it and

1:05:19

then I go, all right, I'm not sure

1:05:21

in the schematic of that interaction where the

1:05:23

joke was even supposed to be. I don't

1:05:25

know what the, and she puts

1:05:28

them up and she's bombing and

1:05:30

she's getting 50 ,000 likes. Is

1:05:32

it because she's girl? Oh, it's because

1:05:34

she's a hot Asian girl. There's always that.

1:05:37

I always tell my son, if you ever

1:05:39

come back, you come back as a hot

1:05:41

Asian girl. Oh yeah, scholarship money, all of

1:05:43

it. Hairless. You

1:05:45

know what I mean? Hairless. No

1:05:47

money wasted on waxing. No. Good. It's

1:05:50

funny that they all drifted into that

1:05:52

profession, yet they have the least hair.

1:05:54

You think the Armenian women would have

1:05:56

drifted into the hair removal business. Oh,

1:05:59

I what you're I'm saying? Interesting. Yeah.

1:06:03

It's sort of like Jews being sports

1:06:05

agents. Really? You play a lot of

1:06:07

ball in a high school? Just

1:06:14

don't see them like what my

1:06:16

plane days were over hung up the

1:06:18

Amica Yeah, yeah, yeah, when when

1:06:20

Earth Spielberg hit ninth grade he decided

1:06:22

he was going the agent right, right?

1:06:24

He traded in his elbow

1:06:27

pads for an attaché case and

1:06:29

some wingtips All

1:06:33

right, so the Los Angeles Innocence

1:06:35

Project filed a lengthy petition late

1:06:38

last week claiming to have uncovered

1:06:40

evidence that Scott Peterson convicted of

1:06:42

killing his wife Lacey Peterson and

1:06:44

her unborn son Connor is not

1:06:46

guilty. Attorneys for Peterson are

1:06:48

claiming that the case against him was

1:06:50

entirely circumstantial and that the petition filed

1:06:52

with the California Court of Appeals shows

1:06:54

issues with the police investigation and that

1:06:56

prosecutors withheld critical information during this extremely

1:06:58

high profile trial. It's got to be

1:07:01

weird for the Innocence project to go.

1:07:03

Look, we're going to shift gears here

1:07:05

a little bit. We're going to shake

1:07:07

it up. We're going to try to

1:07:09

get a good -looking white guy out for

1:07:11

a change. Oh, my God. We're going

1:07:13

to really mix things up. This will

1:07:15

be our affirmative action. Like, this will

1:07:17

be our DEI project. Let's do a

1:07:19

white guy who's good -looking. Yeah,

1:07:21

Mark Gehrig has got in on it, too.

1:07:23

He said that the latest legal attempts hoped

1:07:25

to vindicate his former client. He said he

1:07:27

thinks that he was convicted because of what

1:07:29

he calls the he didn't act right evidence

1:07:31

and to me that's not evidence at all

1:07:33

because there's no playbook for how you should

1:07:35

act when your pregnant wife goes missing. Did

1:07:37

you guys watch the documentary about Scott Peterson?

1:07:40

I watched a few episodes. Yeah it's pretty

1:07:42

damning after you watch it. I mean they

1:07:44

definitely they make it in a way where

1:07:46

you go there's no way that this guy

1:07:48

is not guilty. So let

1:07:50

me say the greatest pleasure of

1:07:52

my life is Mark was a

1:07:54

neighbor for a while a very

1:07:56

good friend and And he would,

1:07:58

I would tell him every once

1:08:00

in a while, we're watching football

1:08:02

on Sunday, drinking some beers with

1:08:04

the guys and over at the

1:08:06

new warehouse or whatever. Come by,

1:08:08

come by, come by, like in

1:08:10

the neighborhood. But anyway, we were

1:08:12

like sitting around with some of

1:08:15

my headier friends. her very

1:08:17

smart, well read, and they watch all the

1:08:19

docs and they're arguing about Scott Peterson

1:08:21

and he's guilty. And you know, somebody turns

1:08:23

to me and goes, your, your boy

1:08:25

Garregos thinks he's not guilty. He goes, how's

1:08:27

that even possible? That guy thinks he's

1:08:29

not. Does he really think he's not guilty?

1:08:31

Is he just putting up a front? And

1:08:34

I go, hold on. And I

1:08:36

call Mark and I go, hey, man, we're

1:08:38

watching football. You around? He goes, yeah,

1:08:40

I'm in the neighborhood somewhere. I go, why

1:08:42

don't you come over? He goes, OK. Like

1:08:45

40 minutes later, Mark Garagas comes

1:08:47

walking in and sits down to like

1:08:49

12 angry drunk men, you know?

1:08:51

And Kevin Hench is yelling at him,

1:08:53

you know what? Garagas

1:08:55

is like firing back, and then another guy's

1:08:58

got a question on the other end, and

1:09:00

I'm just drinking a beer and just going,

1:09:02

this is it. I made this. I made

1:09:04

this. I created this. It's a lot. Mark

1:09:07

will do it. He doesn't give

1:09:09

a shit. He's having fun. They're arguing

1:09:11

back and forth, but it was

1:09:13

it was perfect timing. So, yeah. No,

1:09:16

I mean, the one thing I

1:09:18

remember is he drove his boat in

1:09:20

that area that the body was

1:09:22

found like the day after. She

1:09:24

disappeared. Yeah. And it was spotted while

1:09:26

investigators were doing like a, I don't

1:09:28

want to call it like a deep

1:09:30

sea dredge while they were looking for

1:09:32

the body. Apparently he was, he was

1:09:35

seen standing on the lake shore watching

1:09:37

them do this. Can we make a

1:09:39

Peterson Menendez rule? Which

1:09:41

is, okay, let's really

1:09:43

just break it down. Society

1:09:46

and then sort of personally, greatest

1:09:49

fear. Greatest

1:09:51

fear is you're standing, waiting for the

1:09:53

subway and a guy just shoves you from

1:09:55

behind onto the tracks. Okay, that's the

1:09:57

greatest, right? Or there's like film of some

1:09:59

guy who's a municipal worker, like working

1:10:01

in, I don't know, Huntington Beach or some

1:10:03

homeless guys comes behind him with a

1:10:06

chain, whacks him on the head, hits his

1:10:08

head, critical or dead. I mean, random

1:10:10

senseless is at the

1:10:12

top of everyone's list, right?

1:10:15

And for your kids. you

1:10:17

know, your daughter's jogging in the park

1:10:19

and some guy comes out of the

1:10:21

bushes, right? I mean, random, random senseless.

1:10:23

Okay, that's number one. Then like lower

1:10:25

tier is like sort of car jacked.

1:10:27

Like I don't want to be car

1:10:29

jacked, but at least a guy wants

1:10:31

something, you know what mean? I'll just

1:10:33

give my car and no cell phone

1:10:35

and hopefully I can leave unscathed, you

1:10:37

know? And then at some point lower

1:10:40

stuff is, you know, the guy ripped

1:10:42

off my stereo or something, but it's

1:10:44

mostly. Random senseless like

1:10:46

nobody wants to be a part of

1:10:48

that. But if you kill your parents

1:10:50

or you kill your wife, I'm not

1:10:52

really involved with this. Like that's not

1:10:54

me. I can wait for on a

1:10:56

subway platform and I could have the

1:10:58

Menendez brothers to my right and Scott

1:11:00

Peters in my left. And we'd probably

1:11:02

have a good conversation. You're

1:11:04

saying they're you're saying if we

1:11:06

don't put them away, they're not

1:11:09

repeat offenders. I'm saying I bet

1:11:11

if I'm standing next to them.

1:11:13

The Menendez residence got Pearson waiting

1:11:15

for the train of life and

1:11:17

I started to walk on and

1:11:19

my wallet fell out. I bet

1:11:21

one of them would pick it

1:11:23

up and go, hey, drop your

1:11:25

wallet. It's not going to rape

1:11:27

your daughter jogging in the park.

1:11:29

He's not going upside the utility

1:11:32

guy's head from behind with the

1:11:34

machete. They killed the wife. Okay,

1:11:36

I'm not saying she had a

1:11:38

coming but she's gone The parents

1:11:40

The they killed the parents. I'm

1:11:42

not saying they had a coming

1:11:44

but they're gone But that's under

1:11:46

the their roof. They seem satiated

1:11:48

by that That but what what

1:11:50

are they when they got with

1:11:52

me when I got my kids

1:11:55

when I got with you, you

1:11:57

know, you know what I'm saying?

1:11:59

Yeah, yeah Those people can be

1:12:01

released into society sooner than rando

1:12:03

killing spree people can because there

1:12:05

are no bounds to them. These

1:12:07

people are motivated. OJ never

1:12:09

killed again. If he

1:12:11

even did the first. Yeah, right. Agreed.

1:12:14

Right. If he did, if he

1:12:16

did it, be a good name for a book. He

1:12:18

never did it again because. He didn't

1:12:20

have a beef with anybody else. You know

1:12:22

what I mean? Until those guys ripped

1:12:24

off his jerseys in Vegas and signed footballs.

1:12:26

But I mean, it's right. Most

1:12:29

people, you know, like, OK,

1:12:31

the the wife poisons the husband,

1:12:33

collects the insurance. All right,

1:12:35

we're done. Sometimes

1:12:37

she remarries and relives

1:12:39

this thing. But I'm

1:12:41

saying I would like

1:12:43

a delineation between these

1:12:45

kinds of people and

1:12:47

then. Killers, you know

1:12:49

I mean? Like killers like, oh,

1:12:51

these guys are ripping off this

1:12:53

guy's catalytic converter and he comes

1:12:56

walking out and they just fucking

1:12:58

waste it. You know what I

1:13:00

mean? Like that's that's pretty senseless.

1:13:02

You have a hair trigger. If

1:13:04

Scott Peterson was ripping off your catalytic

1:13:07

converter, which I don't even know if he

1:13:09

would do at this point. But if

1:13:11

he was, he wouldn't waste you when you

1:13:13

walked out. He probably run. Yeah. That's

1:13:15

what I'm saying. The lineation between those who

1:13:17

are dangerous to us, the public, and

1:13:20

by the way, it's a two -way street.

1:13:22

Like if a guy gets caught whacking

1:13:24

people in the head randomly over and over

1:13:26

again, he's been arrested 81 times, go

1:13:28

ahead and keep that guy in. Yeah. That

1:13:30

guy's running around just punching people from

1:13:33

behind. And my grandfather killed

1:13:35

a guy back in the day, like a

1:13:37

love triangle. Really? Yeah, so he was having

1:13:39

an affair woman. Your voice just got a

1:13:41

little more gravelly. I know it, did I?

1:13:43

Did you hear that? My grandfather killed a

1:13:45

man. Sean killed a man in cold blood.

1:13:47

Yeah. No, he killed a guy. He turned

1:13:49

into Johnny Cash. Just to

1:13:51

watch him die. Wait,

1:13:53

your grandfather killed somebody for what? Yeah, so

1:13:55

it was a grandfather on my dad's

1:13:57

side, which was a total mess. A lot

1:13:59

of alcoholics, a lot of drug addicts.

1:14:01

But my grandfather was having an affair with

1:14:03

a woman. Her husband was in Alaska.

1:14:05

He came home early because he had heard

1:14:08

about it. This woman calls my grandfather.

1:14:10

He comes to the house. They get a

1:14:12

gun duel out the front yard up

1:14:14

in northern Minnesota. He kills the guy. The

1:14:16

judge says we're not going to charge

1:14:18

him because it was self -defense. And then

1:14:20

there was like an in the article. I

1:14:22

don't remember exactly how it's worded. But

1:14:24

basically the judge was like, and by the

1:14:26

way, for anybody who wants to step

1:14:28

in and kind of be a vigilante about

1:14:30

this, this was a situation between three

1:14:32

people. Keep your noses out of it. Really?

1:14:34

Yeah. That's what I would say. That's

1:14:36

old school judging right there. The Menendez was

1:14:38

between four people. Keep your noses out.

1:14:40

It's got piercings between two people and the

1:14:42

dog. I think the correct you use

1:14:45

the word dual. I think it

1:14:47

was a dual. Yeah. It was gentlemen. Yeah.

1:14:49

It was. And he pulled that. He

1:14:51

had one pistol. He fired it, emptied the

1:14:53

clip, reached into a sock, grabbed another

1:14:55

gun, killed the guy. Mmm. I'm sorry, Greg.

1:14:57

If I killed the guy, pulled

1:14:59

it out of the sock and shot him in a

1:15:01

point blank. Swoze, ate more and went to Reno

1:15:03

just to watch him die. If

1:15:05

I kept a gun in my sock, do you

1:15:08

know how many times I would mistakenly wash my gun?

1:15:12

Where's my Derringer? It's in the lawn

1:15:14

to the lint trap. God damn it.

1:15:16

At some point, you'd hear bullets shoot

1:15:18

out of a lint trap and then

1:15:20

my old lady would be pissed off

1:15:23

and you'd stop fucking throwing your gun.

1:15:25

My gun shrunk. Damn it. Don't

1:15:27

wash it with the reds. I got a

1:15:29

pink gun now. I

1:15:31

jerked off on my Glock again. Another

1:15:38

gun in a sock. Yeah.

1:15:41

Yeah, that's pretty good. All right, what

1:15:43

else? All right, so here's a video

1:15:45

for you guys. A couple of identical

1:15:47

twins from Australia are going viral after

1:15:50

an interview they gave to a little

1:15:52

news outlet. Fucking great. Covering an alleged

1:15:54

armed carjacker, Bridget and Paula Powers. They

1:15:56

have the same voice, the same Keynes and the

1:15:58

same thoughts, and it's pretty wild to hear him talking

1:16:01

unison. Witnesses are

1:16:03

recounting some of the drama that unfolded

1:16:05

on the Sunshine Coast this afternoon.

1:16:07

Two sisters have told how their mother

1:16:09

and man raced to help when

1:16:11

the Karjakt SUV rolled on Steve Irwin

1:16:14

Way, only to find the gun -wielding

1:16:16

car thief emerging from the wreck.

1:16:18

Here's some of what they had to

1:16:20

say. and

1:16:25

he he went up there

1:16:27

and he was coming back down

1:16:29

towards this and he goes

1:16:31

run he's got a gun and

1:16:33

oh our heart started to

1:16:36

pound and I said oh mum

1:16:38

where's mum and poor poor

1:16:40

mum was stuck up there but

1:16:42

apparently our brave mum she

1:16:44

goes are you alright because he

1:16:46

had all blood all over

1:16:49

his face and he goes I'll

1:16:51

shoot you. She goes, hey,

1:16:53

I'm here to help. And

1:16:55

Mum distracted him to make

1:16:57

him look the other way. And

1:16:59

he looked the other way.

1:17:01

And Mum ran into the bush

1:17:03

behind the fence. And

1:17:06

the guy goes to her. I'll

1:17:08

find you and I'll shoot you.

1:17:10

All I was thinking about when

1:17:12

we were running, I hope he

1:17:14

doesn't fire. Yeah, we

1:17:16

were so blessed. How close to him do

1:17:18

you think you were? We'll

1:17:20

see he was up there and we

1:17:22

were passed out. See when you drive

1:17:24

away. Yeah, yeah. You don't think of

1:17:26

all of that at the time. No,

1:17:29

you just run for your safety. This

1:17:32

is what it sounds like when I

1:17:34

do those remote hits from the van

1:17:36

on Fox. You get

1:17:38

the earpiece in. There's a two

1:17:40

second delay. Thanks

1:17:42

for coming on the

1:17:45

show Adam. Yeah,

1:17:48

first question. No, you

1:17:50

go. Yeah. Okay. All

1:17:52

right. Thank you for coming on. All

1:17:56

right. Good night. That was Adam Carrol. No,

1:17:59

it's amazing because you've got,

1:18:01

you watch, you know, presidential coverage.

1:18:03

They're outside the White House

1:18:05

and you're asking them questions. The,

1:18:08

the studios a mile away.

1:18:10

Right. And there's a fucking

1:18:12

three second. Meanwhile, you

1:18:14

know, you got a satellite

1:18:16

in space taken out of, you

1:18:18

know, Afghani. True. Take the shot

1:18:20

in real time. It's crazy.

1:18:22

But you do learn the rhythm

1:18:24

of it. And your first time

1:18:26

or two, you're you're talking through.

1:18:28

Yeah. It doesn't. It only

1:18:30

takes about a second and a half delay to

1:18:32

fuck you up. Yeah. Yeah. I'll

1:18:34

tell you what is most interesting about this

1:18:37

story, Dawson, if you play it again. All

1:18:40

the way back to the

1:18:42

news anchor It appears they're big

1:18:44

fans of Steve Oh from

1:18:46

Jackass over there because evidently they

1:18:48

named a highway after him

1:18:50

Let's see if I can hear

1:18:52

that again Witnesses are

1:18:55

recounting some of the drama that

1:18:57

unfolded on the Sunshine Coast this

1:18:59

afternoon. Two sisters have told how

1:19:01

their mother and man raced to

1:19:03

help when the Karjakt SUV rolled

1:19:05

on Steve Irwin way only to

1:19:07

find the gun wheel. Steve Irwin

1:19:09

way. He's fucking huge there. It's

1:19:11

got a ramp every every hundred

1:19:13

yards. Steve Irwin way

1:19:15

over there. Someone's got

1:19:17

to tell Steve he's got to

1:19:19

pull up stakes and move where he's

1:19:21

loved. Get out of Hollywood. Go

1:19:24

down to Steve away, be the fucking

1:19:26

king of Perf. Yeah, no speed

1:19:28

limit on Steve. No way. No way.

1:19:30

to Pam and Jared Dirt Road.

1:19:32

That's right. All right,

1:19:34

one more. One more. All right, let's

1:19:36

talk a little music, huh? Gene Simmons

1:19:38

is sick and tired of bands like

1:19:40

Santana telling him to get off the

1:19:42

stage. Gene Simmons was very

1:19:44

candid about this. He said the Detroit

1:19:46

Rock City singer now 75 brought

1:19:48

up Santana when answering a question about

1:19:50

Kiss. Apparently. Back in the day,

1:19:52

Carlos Santana had a couple of choice

1:19:55

words. And finally, Gene Simmons reacted

1:19:57

by saying, I'm sick and tired of

1:19:59

these bands like Carlos Santana looking

1:20:01

at his shoes and thinking that's a

1:20:03

rock concert. Which

1:20:05

there has been a couple of times

1:20:07

I've gone to see a few

1:20:09

bands that are a little bit older,

1:20:11

a little longer in the tooth,

1:20:14

Three Dog Night. Man, they basically prop

1:20:16

those guys up there with Kendall

1:20:18

Stands. But I saw Alice Cooper. Maybe

1:20:21

six months ago eight months ago one

1:20:23

of the best shows I have ever

1:20:25

seen in fact blue Rob zombie off

1:20:27

the stage It was really good. I

1:20:29

saw AC DC on Friday night not

1:20:31

the Rose Bowl and I kept joking

1:20:34

after the show and they kind of

1:20:36

mailed it in they gave a Thousand

1:20:38

percent and Angus is wailing. There's a

1:20:40

there's a runway that he's doing the

1:20:42

what he called the duck Yeah, and

1:20:44

a duck walk. He's doing the duck

1:20:46

walk. just 70 years old, and he's

1:20:48

going up a flight of stairs and

1:20:51

two hours and 15 minutes nonstop. Here's

1:20:53

a bigger question. What's going on with

1:20:55

you guys in your amazing lives? Like,

1:20:57

I watch Love on the Spectrum beat

1:20:59

off and went to bed at 9

1:21:01

.30. What is this going on tour

1:21:03

with groups and seeing all these shows? How

1:21:06

do we do this? I think

1:21:08

it's just the methamphetamines. It just makes

1:21:10

me want to do stuff. Well,

1:21:13

you know, it's really weird because it's

1:21:15

sad because like I love Three

1:21:18

Dog Night and I hate Alice Cooper, but

1:21:20

then you're like, I saw Three Dog Night, but

1:21:22

Alice Cooper puts on a show and I

1:21:24

was like, oh man. But no, it's still great

1:21:26

musicians. It's just it's it's sad to see

1:21:28

them up there because they do have to take

1:21:30

they play four or five songs and then

1:21:32

all of a sudden like a couple other guys

1:21:34

come out and play instruments and then they

1:21:37

the shadows when they come back. So they're definitely

1:21:39

neat. But you know, I mean, still good

1:21:41

tight. There's a there's a video

1:21:43

of Smokey Robinson coming out on stage and

1:21:45

every tell him I'm working in a casino,

1:21:47

there's always a poster up that Smokey's coming

1:21:49

next month, and he's gotta have more money

1:21:51

than God. And I don't know how old

1:21:53

he is, but they show him on stage.

1:21:56

The microphone is around his navel,

1:21:58

and his mouth is really

1:22:00

not moving at all. And the

1:22:03

lyrics are coming out loud

1:22:05

and clear. Shuffling,

1:22:07

shuffling across the stage. Yeah, I think

1:22:09

Frankie Valley's sort a king of

1:22:11

that. Oh, I've seen that, yeah. A

1:22:13

lot of those. But

1:22:17

I and then you kind of wonder

1:22:19

like there's a lot of who's making him

1:22:21

do this I don't know. I had

1:22:23

an old dad. I couldn't give him to

1:22:25

do shit Yeah, like if I would

1:22:27

have said hey Jim get on your feet

1:22:29

and God make me some money on

1:22:31

stage Fuck you buy me another trumpet. I'm

1:22:33

drinking this insure like I know I

1:22:36

don't fits dog do you think you think

1:22:38

like when you're 89 People

1:22:40

are going to be like, you got to

1:22:42

hit the road. You're to be like, I can't

1:22:44

think straight. Go out on stage. Push him

1:22:46

out there. My kids are going to need me

1:22:48

to do that at this rate. Yeah, for

1:22:51

sure. Crystal clear up. Yeah. Now

1:22:53

I'm I like to wrap it up

1:22:55

in about five years. I've

1:22:57

worked my ass off since I

1:22:59

was in college. I've been doing

1:23:01

stand up six nights a week

1:23:03

for 36 years on the road

1:23:05

doing podcasts. I don't

1:23:07

want. I feel like I

1:23:10

want to be young enough to enjoy. I

1:23:12

got a lot of interest. There's a lot.

1:23:14

I want to go see ACDC more. I want

1:23:16

to see concerts. I want to fucking travel. You

1:23:19

know, enough. I made my point.

1:23:21

I crawled my way to the middle.

1:23:24

How many people can say I clad

1:23:26

in your flag, squarely on the

1:23:28

prime meridian of the globe of comedy.

1:23:31

The top half of the ladder,

1:23:33

it's too far to fall. I like

1:23:35

right in the middle. Yeah.

1:23:37

And that's where I'm going

1:23:39

to dismount. Yeah. People start

1:23:41

pulling up old tweets and

1:23:43

catching. You know, I

1:23:46

guess what it is is,

1:23:48

can you take a piss

1:23:50

somewhere in public outdoors

1:23:52

and not have it end

1:23:55

up somewhere? Yeah. So

1:23:57

what I'm saying is, Dave

1:23:59

can't pull his dick out when

1:24:01

he's on a walk and just

1:24:03

start pissing on somebody's Ivy because

1:24:06

someone's ring doorbell will spot it.

1:24:08

It's going to end up on

1:24:10

TMZ. He couldn't

1:24:12

do that. Fitzdog

1:24:14

probably could, unless there was a

1:24:16

big fan, you know, in that

1:24:18

house with the ring doorbell, then

1:24:20

they might, I could maybe, I

1:24:22

could probably pull it off depending

1:24:25

on what neighborhood. I was in,

1:24:27

you know, but you never, you never

1:24:29

quite know, but you want enough anonymity for

1:24:31

people just not to really care. Can

1:24:33

you have a one night stand on the

1:24:35

road? Oh, right. You know, right. Or

1:24:37

are you going to get held up for

1:24:39

money afterwards? Right, right. I'm

1:24:41

in and out. Well, we're going to find

1:24:44

out. Great for Simmons when

1:24:46

he goes through Green Bay. That's

1:24:48

right. All

1:24:50

right, we got Sasha Stone is

1:24:52

an interesting journalist who's waiting in

1:24:54

the wings. So we'll take a...

1:24:56

I guess you guys can hang

1:24:58

in. Fitz, do you want to

1:25:01

hang in? No. No, you've got

1:25:03

place. You've got to go see

1:25:05

ACG. They're doing a matinee. And

1:25:08

you shook me

1:25:10

all day long.

1:25:14

I'm doing dinner at four. Baby,

1:25:16

it's about noon. She

1:25:19

took me all day. All

1:25:22

right. Fitts Dog

1:25:24

dates all over the place.

1:25:26

And of course, Fitts Dog Radio

1:25:28

and Sunday Papers as well.

1:25:30

The dates, greatfittsimmons.com is a great

1:25:32

Fittsimmons comedy. just fitsdog.com is

1:25:34

fine. Yeah. All right. We'll talk

1:25:36

to Sasha Stone right after

1:25:39

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1:30:04

Ace man just did my

1:30:06

first trip to California. Had

1:30:08

to correct my wife about

1:30:10

the PCH that it's PCH

1:30:12

girl. And then

1:30:14

I ran at least

1:30:16

eight left turn arrows

1:30:18

in your honor. Get

1:30:20

it on. You can

1:30:22

leave us a message

1:30:24

at 888 -634 -1744. Yeah,

1:30:26

I turned left in front of

1:30:28

two cars that were parked at a

1:30:30

red left turn arrow yesterday in

1:30:33

La Cognata, California from a lane that

1:30:35

wasn't even a left turn lane

1:30:37

because I will not sit at useless

1:30:39

red turn arrow. Sasha Stone, good

1:30:41

to see you, blogger. Sasha

1:30:44

Stone. Hey, Adam, thanks

1:30:46

for having me. I'm so shocked that

1:30:48

you have me on your show. It's

1:30:50

such a like a kind of a

1:30:52

big deal for me. I'm just a

1:30:54

nobody out there in cyberspace, but thank

1:30:56

you for having me. Well, I don't

1:30:59

know. Are there are there any nobodies

1:31:01

anymore because they're just ideas now. You

1:31:03

know, it's just good. There's good ideas

1:31:05

and bad ideas and provocative ideas and

1:31:07

ideas that resonate with people. And it's

1:31:09

kind of hard to tell like some

1:31:11

of the most. benign

1:31:14

things I've said have gotten the most

1:31:16

shares in terms of like tweets and

1:31:18

then things I thought that were pretty

1:31:20

profound nobody cares about. So I don't

1:31:22

know you had that experience yourself. Oh,

1:31:24

yeah, I do. I I write on

1:31:26

my substack and I spend like hours

1:31:28

and days recording a podcast. I think

1:31:30

this is so great. Everybody's going to

1:31:32

love this. It's amazing. Nobody notices it.

1:31:34

And then I'll just do a thing

1:31:36

that's called a short take. I'll write

1:31:38

like 700 words or something. I think

1:31:41

I'll just throw away. It'll get like

1:31:43

linked on real clear politics. It'll make

1:31:45

the rounds people will be sharing. I

1:31:47

knew that it would have been so

1:31:49

big that I certainly would have taken

1:31:51

more time on. But yeah, it is

1:31:53

weird. I think I think people are

1:31:55

looking for short bites more than they're

1:31:57

looking for. Yeah, there's so much content.

1:32:00

I look at it every day. It's like my my inbox.

1:32:02

I can't watch this video. I can't read that article.

1:32:04

There's just too much of it. So they like it

1:32:06

if it's short and sweet and you can just get

1:32:08

it out there, you know. And also

1:32:10

you have to understand that

1:32:12

and I have to think this

1:32:14

way as a comedian sometimes,

1:32:16

which is you're not talking to

1:32:18

comedians. You're talking to folks

1:32:20

who drive trucks or work at

1:32:23

restaurants or maybe they're doctors

1:32:25

and lawyers, but they're not comedians,

1:32:27

you know. So whatever it

1:32:29

is you're preparing for them, you

1:32:31

know, you may be a Michelin

1:32:33

rated chef, but you have a

1:32:35

bunch of 12 year olds over

1:32:38

at the house for a sleepover

1:32:40

and they might not appreciate your

1:32:42

tuna tartare as much as they'd

1:32:44

like some mac and cheese. know,

1:32:46

like sometimes you got to whip them up the mac

1:32:48

and cheese. That's what they want. Absolutely.

1:32:50

And if I could do that more,

1:32:53

I would. It's just that it's funny because

1:32:55

it just hits you at the time

1:32:57

and, you know, you rattle it off. But

1:32:59

if they say, you know, write something

1:33:01

for me, then you'd think about it. You

1:33:03

know, what do I want to say?

1:33:05

What's important? What matters, you know? Well, what

1:33:07

what was your journey? Because I know

1:33:09

you started off and you were writing for

1:33:11

the, you know, covering the Academy Awards.

1:33:14

I wrote for the Academy Awards, I guess,

1:33:16

maybe three or four times. Did you? I