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Safety info found at FreestyleLibre.us. This

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episode is dedicated to Kaylee Wilson,

0:57

who grew a hairdo so long

0:59

the face and eventually the whole

1:01

body was no longer visible. When

1:03

Kaylee got a haircut, the hairdresser

1:05

discovered there was actually no one

1:07

under the hair. Kaylee

1:10

will reappear as a Komodo dragon

1:12

tamer for an Indonesian circus. Be

1:14

like Kaylee, support the show on Patreon

1:16

and let us fake your death. And

1:19

now, enjoy the episode. You're

1:52

not in too much pain? No. It is

1:55

not my first brush with fire, you rat.

1:57

Yes, but it was the first time you...

8:00

long day yes saintly right

8:04

do you know what he's saying no but i

8:06

wish he was lower than that axe yes

8:10

it's not okay it ain't

8:12

not so hard why do you

8:14

think he is waving the crucifix

8:17

i have no idea he seems

8:19

very angry um excuse

8:21

me kind sir but uh my

8:24

name is snore and this

8:26

is my friend anto are

8:30

you angle section ah yes

8:32

yes but your names are not who

8:35

are you how did you

8:37

get here well um now that is

8:39

a long and strange

8:42

story we

8:44

are you see anto we we

8:47

are um we are

8:49

um um stone

8:51

covers stone covers yes and

8:54

stone covers and we have

8:56

traveled to your beautiful country

8:58

to study the

9:01

runes it's the beautiful study the runes

9:03

we love show me your hands yes

9:05

show me your hands my my hand

9:07

why right yes there we are

9:10

ha ha ha no calluses no blisters or

9:13

scars or anything no no i'm sure that

9:15

do you think i'm stupid no no that

9:17

that you see that there i'm sure that's

9:19

a callous no no right

9:22

okay no okay right well i will cut off

9:24

your head and feed your tongue to your dog

9:26

please lower the axe um you're right we are

9:28

not stone covers you are a liar no uh

9:30

well white lie um we

9:33

are in fact um help

9:35

we are um is

9:37

it possible you are

9:49

no i i i don't know

9:51

who that is i will cut off

9:53

your head and drink mead from your

9:55

skull you heathen and

9:57

then i will burn

9:59

in your face. That

10:02

doesn't sound pleasant for either of

10:04

us. Please, there's

10:06

no need to be so confrontational. Admit

10:08

it, please. You are... I

10:11

know. I'm saying... We don't even know

10:13

who this Torol-Hund... We are heathens. That's

10:16

what I said. Heathens. Oh,

10:19

no, no, no. Not heathens.

10:22

Heelers. What?

10:26

Yes. Yes. Yes, he's

10:28

right. We are. He

10:30

is a healer. A miracle worker, really. But

10:32

we prefer to keep it hush-hush. You

10:35

know, lots of... Friend

10:37

or foe? F...

10:40

Huh? The body. Oh,

10:43

yes, uh... He's

10:45

a friend. Nah. He

10:48

looks like he could do with some

10:50

attention. But... Huh?

10:52

I told you, I am a healer. May

10:56

I take a look? Great idea. But...

10:59

Can you say him? I can do

11:01

my best. And he is the best in the business.

11:04

The Lord be praised. Chai

11:07

gut u suma e he man. Haad li

11:09

mai re di nam. Ja. Now,

11:12

let me see. Um... Well,

11:16

he is still warm. Yes.

11:20

Well, that's a good sign. Right. Uh...

11:26

Well. Hello.

11:29

Hello. He

11:31

really is the best in the business. He'll

11:34

do everything he can. And while

11:36

Snorri performs his examination, why

11:39

don't you put down the axe? Okay.

11:43

Thank you very much. And

11:46

introduce yourself. Why

11:49

don't you tell us your story? I

11:52

am TÜR VIN. Right.

11:55

That's brilliant nature.

14:01

Oh, grateful. Really?

14:05

Oh, really grateful.

14:08

Does everyone feel grateful? Yes.

14:13

Are you sure? Yes. Really,

14:16

Thorfinn? Everyone.

14:20

Everyone. Absolutely everyone

14:23

in the Viking realm feels

14:25

good. Well,

14:28

you could say everyone that

14:30

counts. There it is. There are

14:32

some stupid farmers who don't think

14:34

that swinging acts as a compelling

14:36

argument, but still

14:38

resist the love of Jesus

14:40

Christ. Yes, I

14:42

thought so. Yes, but we

14:45

are about to drive our spears through

14:47

their guts and show them who's boss.

14:51

Right. Yes. Wait. What

14:54

is that noise? The peasants

14:56

there, they're led by Turehund, Turedog,

15:00

as I said earlier, and they will

15:02

arrive any minute. Oh, good Lord. This,

15:04

this will become the site of a great

15:07

battle. Oh no. A showdown

15:09

between God and the heathens,

15:11

a battle that

15:13

will go down in Norwegian history.

15:15

And you, my friends, have

15:18

front row seats. Of all

15:20

the God forsaken places to

15:22

pitch a tent. Um, right.

15:25

Um, well, Turehund, that does of

15:27

course sound very exciting. But

15:29

you see, I tend

15:32

to prefer my entertainment of a more

15:35

pacifist nature. What?

15:39

Pacifist? Yes,

15:41

pacifism. Huh? Your

15:43

man Jesus was a big proponent. No,

15:46

he was not. He's Jesus.

15:49

Yes. Yes. No,

15:51

you know, but you know, you know, um, blessed

15:53

be the peacemakers and, and love your enemies

15:55

and all that. Love? Huh?

15:59

Yes. Oh,

22:01

you see now why this battle is

22:03

pointless. We have lost

22:05

our spiritual leader. Right, now, in the

22:07

long term I can see how this

22:09

is a blow to the Christian project,

22:11

but in the short term, Torfin, I'd

22:14

still rather not get run through with

22:16

a peasant's pitchfork. He's right, you have

22:18

to fend off the attack. Yes, you

22:20

can't just sit here and mope. You're

22:22

right. You're right. At

22:26

least I can die a birdy death. A

22:28

death that will take me to Valhalla.

22:32

Yes, that's the... Valhalla? Yes.

22:34

To where? It's a grand

22:36

hall with a roof

22:38

of golden shields where fallen

22:41

warriors feast. Fight

22:43

and fuck and they have a great time

22:46

and then the day after they just go

22:48

out and fight again and come back

22:50

and fuck. Fantastic time.

22:53

Yes, it sounds lovely, but don't

22:56

forget... Yes? You're Christian now, Torfin.

22:58

Right? Yes. Yes. But

23:01

there's still Valhalla in the Christians. I

23:06

don't... Well, I

23:08

mean, there's heaven, I guess. Yes.

23:10

But a bit less fighting and

23:13

fornicating, maybe. But...

23:17

In heaven? No

23:19

of the fucking. Erm... Oh,

23:23

that's a shame. It's

23:25

always been like that. You die, you

23:27

fight, fuck, fight, fuck, after.

23:30

That's the rule. Pacifism, remember?

23:33

Torfin, pacifism. A little bit of fucking. I

23:36

mean, are you sure you're a

23:39

Christian, Torfin? I mean, you know, there

23:41

is still time. You could switch sides.

23:43

I know. I have already. We

23:46

have... Me and Olaf, we

23:49

have done the water thing.

23:52

Baptism, yes. I am Christian. I

23:54

believe in Jesus. Right? No, yes.

23:56

Of course. Yes, yes. But...

24:00

since King Olaf became

24:02

the unfortunate victim of

24:04

a herringbone. Yes, oh,

24:06

that's so unfortunate. So unfortunate, yes. You

24:08

know what? Herring wasn't even on the

24:10

menu, do they? If the cook

24:13

hadn't found a misplaced

24:16

barrel of the salted herring... Um, um, um, just a

24:18

moment. Where

24:20

exactly did you find this herring? You

24:23

know what? I've never even seen that barrel

24:25

anywhere. I just don't even know how it

24:28

got there, the salted herring. If

24:31

only Olaf had died after

24:33

the sunrise, on the

24:35

battlefield. What difference would that make? I

24:38

mean, death is death, right? What?

24:40

No disrespect, but whether it's a

24:42

bone in the windpipe or a spear up the

24:44

rectum, the outcome is the

24:46

same. You are not serious. Yes,

24:49

I am. I mean, I would actually

24:51

say death by herringbone sounds less painful,

24:53

so maybe Olaf got lucky. You know,

24:56

if you die from the fish, that is

24:58

just funny. No king wants to die a

25:00

funny death. A death by

25:02

battle is heroic. They yell

25:04

and scream and say,

25:07

yes! It seems the notion of

25:09

a warrior's death still runs deep

25:11

here, so... Yes.

25:16

Right, Tophin, how many people know about

25:18

King Olaf's demise by fishbone? Only you

25:20

and the cook. Right. And I

25:23

killed the cook. Oh, right.

25:27

OK. What? You

25:30

don't like that I killed the

25:32

cook? Oh, no, I mean, like,

25:36

dislike. I didn't know that. Should

25:38

I not have killed him? No, I mean... I

25:40

was so stressed. No, of course.

25:42

He just choked right in front of me.

25:45

What was I supposed to do? Right, yes. The

25:48

stress? Of course. Oh, so I killed the cook?

25:50

To relieve the stress, yes. And his brother.

25:52

And his brother? His brother was standing right

25:55

next to him. And like I

25:57

said, I was very, very stressed. Yes, of course. a

26:00

classic case of wrong place, wrong time. Who am

26:02

I to judge? I

26:04

decided not to raise the alarm, because that

26:07

would have been a bad idea. Quite. I

26:09

mean, with the heathens just moments away,

26:11

it would have been completely devastating for

26:13

morale if they found out. Oh no,

26:16

yes. Yes.

26:18

So I looked for a good place

26:20

to conceal the body, but tried to

26:22

hide, you know, so

26:24

the men don't get,

26:28

see Olaf, see him, see the

26:30

king, like that. Absolutely.

26:33

I think you made it. I think you made the

26:36

right call. Yes. And that's

26:38

when I found you, you too. When

26:40

you said you were healers, I was really happy.

26:43

I thought you had been sent by God

26:46

Almighty Himself. You

26:49

really can't save him. Sadly,

26:51

no. No,

26:54

but perhaps this isn't the blow

26:56

you think it is. I mean, don't

26:58

you think someone else will step up to

27:00

take Olaf's place and continue the Christian project?

27:06

Once it has been tainted by herring,

27:09

I don't know. Well,

27:11

I mean, I admit it's not a great look,

27:14

but are you

27:16

really so attached to it? Herring?

27:20

No, no, no. Christianity. I

27:23

mean, Thor, Odin,

27:26

Loki. I can't help but

27:28

feel that Jesus has some tough

27:30

competition. Yes, but Jesus is such

27:32

a badass. Badass?

27:36

Really? Yes. Yeah, His

27:38

turning water into booze, commanding the

27:40

storms at the Sea of the

27:42

Galilee, standing up to the Roman

27:45

Empire, walking across

27:47

Fjords, casting out

27:50

demons, decapitating the

27:52

Mondelenders. Capitating

27:54

them? With His holy axe!

27:57

Right, yes, of course. The

28:00

Holy Axe. Yes. Yes. But

28:03

now... All

28:05

anybody will think of is Herring. Unless...

28:11

Unless what? What are you thinking, Arantor?

28:14

King Olaf rides into battle.

28:16

Arantor what? What? On

28:19

his horse. But... On his horse? What?

28:22

Yes. Wielding his axe. Yes. Yes.

28:25

I knew you could bring him back. I

28:27

knew it. Arantor? What? No. Hahaha.

28:30

You are said by God, I

28:32

knew it. Arantor. No, Tofin.

28:34

We can't revive him. But...

28:38

You can't? No,

28:40

we cannot. No. How would we do that?

28:42

Well, what can you do then? But we

28:44

can make it seem so. How?

28:50

Through mischief and

28:52

misdirection. Huh?

28:55

Nah. A plan so

28:57

good even Loki himself would approve. Yes,

29:00

you said nobody apart from us knows the

29:02

king is dead, right? Yes. Yes. Well,

29:04

we will delay the realisation by

29:07

making him seem briefly alive and

29:09

then shift the moment of death

29:11

to the battlefield. Uh...

29:15

Will that work? I

29:18

am not sure. Oh, oh, oh. Yes.

29:20

And we must be quick. Very quick. But he

29:23

is all limp. Look at this. Look

29:25

at this. Huh? Who

29:28

were there? Yes. How is his arm going

29:30

to hold a shield or an axe or

29:32

anything? Well, Snorri. Look at this. Well,

29:35

I could face the corpse

29:38

in resin to make

29:40

it stiff or insert

29:42

metal into its limbs. Oh, oh, good,

29:44

good. Right. Yes. Wonderful

29:46

idea. But we do not have the time.

29:48

You and the king have horses? Of course.

29:51

Snorri and I will need horses too. You

29:54

can take the cooks and his brothers.

29:56

Perfect. Right. We will also

29:58

need three spears. What is the plan?

30:01

Do you remember the doll dance as

30:03

we witnessed in West Bengal? The poodle

30:05

nage? Yes. You want to transform

30:07

the king into a rod puppet? Huh?

30:11

Well, we will use the spears to control

30:13

the king's movements. It is

30:15

not a bad idea. Tofin? Yeah?

30:18

You will lodge your spear into the back of the king's skull. You're

30:20

not squeamish, I hope. Right,

30:23

yes. There we are. Lovely. Yes,

30:25

not squeamish. Right,

30:28

you see, this will allow you to tilt and turn the

30:30

king's head. I

30:33

will ride behind him and tilt... do the head

30:35

stick? Tilting in the head?

30:38

Yes, you will ride behind him with the head stick. Yes.

30:41

And you must ensure the king stays upright for a minute or

30:43

two at least. Do you think you can take

30:45

the weight? I have dragged a

30:47

longship up a hill. Perfect, yes, look at

30:49

those arms. Wonderful. Snorri and I will

30:51

ride on either side of the king. We will attach

30:53

our spears to his hands so we can

30:55

control his arms. Yes, now he should be

30:58

carrying his axe of course and

31:00

maybe on the other hand the crucifix. Why

31:02

not? Well, we can attach them to

31:04

his hands with nails. traffic!

31:07

My tool pouch. Yes.

31:10

This will be just like Jesus. Sorry?

31:14

You know, you know the nails. Nails

31:18

through the hands, the palms. Oh,

31:20

of course, yes, yes. Oh, how very fitting. Yes,

31:24

that's my favorite bit when Thomas

31:26

doesn't believe that Jesus was standing

31:28

up from the dead and then...

31:32

Right. He appears from behind him with

31:34

really bloody hands and he says to

31:36

Thomas that he should take

31:39

his figure through

31:41

the hand hole and he stopped the

31:43

doubting. He believes

31:46

that is so badass. Such

31:48

a badass. That's the

31:50

warrior way. Right, well, we will

31:52

let King Olaf ride valiantly into battle and

31:55

give him the hero's death he deserves. I

31:57

do wish we could practice this. Manipulating

32:00

a human rod puppet will take considerable

32:02

coordination. Snorri, we don't have the time.

32:04

And in the heat of battle, who's

32:06

going to notice if his movements are

32:09

a bit stiff? Eh? And

32:11

we don't need to keep him on his horse for long. Remember,

32:13

as soon as he's been seen riding

32:15

valiantly into battle, he can fall like

32:17

a martian. And he's not carrying a

32:19

shield or anything, so the first arrow

32:22

hits again, straight to the ground. That

32:24

will be his bane, and he will die in honour.

32:26

Perfect. Yes, and... Oh! Oh, good

32:29

lord! That's a close one. We

32:31

should go. It sounds like the

32:33

peasants have crossed the ditch. Yes, just

32:35

one more thing. Oh, good lord! Erm...

32:39

Right, that's not good. We don't

32:41

have a lot of time. No.

32:43

No, we don't. But quickly, in return for helping

32:46

you with this... What? What

32:49

do you want? Do you want to

32:51

be the next ruler or Norway or something? No! Snorri,

32:54

do we want to be the... No, no, no, no,

32:56

no, we just want safety. Erm,

32:58

once the king has fallen, Snorri and

33:00

I will ride close behind you as you

33:02

cut across the battlefield, fending off the peasants.

33:04

You seem like a formidable warrior, Torfin. I

33:06

trust you can lead us to safety. You

33:08

have my work. Then

33:11

our lives are in your hands. Ah,

33:14

the sword and crucifix nailed on. They...

33:18

Onward, Christian soldiers! Off

33:22

into battle. God... God...

33:26

I really wish I hadn't eaten half a ball last

33:28

night. Right. Let's do this. Time

33:32

to put Olaf on his horse. Is...

33:35

A last push!

33:37

Forward! Forward now! Men

33:39

of Christ, men of

33:41

the cross! Men of the king! I've

33:44

got to wait for this day to be over. All right,

33:46

out we go. Whoo!

33:58

Let's do this! Release!

34:18

Use the door! Cover! Cover!

34:32

Stay tuned for the epilogue!

34:34

But first, the credits. The

34:36

Omele project is a production

34:39

of Imploding Fictions. This episode

34:41

featured Sveinung Uppagor as Torfin,

34:43

Alan Bergen as the interviewer,

34:45

Hemi Yiroham as Kozlowski, Julia

34:47

C. Thorne as Alvina, and

34:49

Sveinung Uppagor, Alan Bergen, Frederick

34:51

Baden and Philipp Thorne as

34:53

the Viking armies. The

34:55

episode was written, directed and edited

34:58

by Philipp Thorne with story editing

35:00

by Eisstein Ulsberg Braga, sound design

35:02

by Paul Kranner, music by Frederick

35:05

Baden, production assistance by Mati Pärziwahl

35:07

and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.

35:10

If you enjoy the Omele project, it

35:13

would mean the world to us if

35:15

you could spread the word, for example

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by leaving a nice comment or review

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please try and incorporate the word

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Ambrosial, then we'll know that you

35:28

know and we'll send a secret

35:31

invisible Death Faker salute across the

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bonuses between every regular episode, consider

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becoming a supporter on Patreon or

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up, this will also give you

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the opportunity to listen to our

35:47

two holiday-themed bonus series, the Omele

35:50

Audio Advent Calendar and the Twelve

35:52

Deaths of Christmas. A

35:54

big thank you to everyone

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who's already supporting us and

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a shout out to our

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magnanimous super patrons. Without whom

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reappear as the True Mime

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Podcast, a silent interview podcast

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Patrons are Celeste, Joez, Heat312,

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Ryan O'Mara, Christine Beyuga and Stefan. Hearting

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up, yes, it's a challenge every single

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time, but we're so grateful to each

36:54

and every one of you. And

36:56

now, the epilogue. Ha!

37:03

So thanks to you, the Battle of

37:05

Stiklistad was won! Er,

37:08

lost. What? Well, the peasants

37:10

defeated Olaf's army. The battle was lost.

37:12

Oh no! So the whole thing was

37:14

kind of pointless then? Oh

37:16

no, not at all. I mean, while

37:18

the battle was lost, the narrative was

37:20

won. The narrative? Yes.

37:23

A year after his death, King

37:26

Olaf became Saint Olaf. Rex

37:29

Perpetus Norvegiae, Eternal

37:32

King of Norway. Ooh! Hmm.

37:36

His sainthood encouraged the widespread

37:38

adoption of Christianity. I

37:41

mean, to this day, Olaf is Norway's

37:43

patron saint, a symbol of national pride

37:45

and independence. Wait, really? I did not

37:47

know that. I mean, his axe is

37:49

on Norway's coat of arms. Are

37:52

you sure that's not the holy axe of Jesus?

37:54

The what? Oh yes. No, no. And

37:57

the 29th of July is a

37:59

national holiday. Yes, Olsok

38:02

or Olaf's Wake, a

38:04

commemoration of his death in Stiklestad.

38:06

And what would have happened if

38:08

you hadn't been there and King

38:10

Olaf had choked on a herring?

38:12

Well, yes, or if Kozlovsky had

38:14

managed to revive him. Yes, why

38:16

couldn't he? Sometimes a curse and

38:18

a miracle are hard to tell

38:20

apart. What do you mean by that?

38:24

Think about it. If

38:26

Olaf had lost the battle but

38:28

survived, then he might never

38:31

have become a saint, and

38:33

he might never have succeeded in making

38:35

Norway a Christian country. Huh,

38:37

right. Right.

38:40

Imagine if Norway was

38:42

still populated by Vikings, travelling

38:44

around in longboats, hyped up

38:46

on mushrooms and mead. Or

38:51

walking around on skis with their

38:53

long beards and icicles hanging from

38:55

their nose hairs. Oh,

39:00

I just described an Norwegian, didn't I? Yes,

39:03

yes you did. Yes. Well,

39:07

Alvina, you can make a note of that.

39:10

Of what? Sometimes

39:14

the course of history hangs on little

39:16

more than a fishbone. Heh.

39:49

I changed my direction. I

39:52

worked my way down. I

39:55

took those scraps. The bits they'd forgotten

39:57

about are thrown away and I built my own

39:59

boat. place, still

40:01

inside but within

40:04

the shadows. All my thoughts,

40:06

my hopes, all of my heart

40:08

is on a makeshift rocket hurtling towards us

40:10

with the most precious of cargo.

40:14

We'll definitely deserve

40:16

a celebration. Not like

40:18

yours. You and your boy down there?

40:22

I hope he's got a private room waiting. It'll be

40:24

enough to be close again. Ah,

40:27

no amado. When I have

40:29

Alex back in my arms, maybe

40:31

then I can think about resistance. We've

40:33

kept the corporations at arm's length longer

40:35

than most. Well, whatever

40:37

you're building, here or wherever,

40:39

I'm in any way we

40:42

can help. It feels like we're approaching

40:44

the closing stage of this journey, the

40:46

final stop. But either way, it's

40:48

been one hell of a story. And

40:51

either way it ends with Alex. Moonbase

40:55

Theta Out. The final season.

40:58

Broadcasting on your podcast feeds starting

41:00

August 14th. For

41:02

early access, join us

41:05

at patreon.com/Monkey Man Productions.

41:10

Moonbase Theta Out.