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one and May twenty twenty two. Potential

1:01

savings will vary, discounts not available

1:03

in all states and situations. We're

1:12

at McKay here, and welcome to another of the art

1:14

of Manliness podcast. When

1:16

Nick Gray moved to New York

1:18

City, he was a shy introvert with few friends,

1:20

but he wanted to build up his social So

1:22

he started throwing cocktail parties to be people.

1:25

These parties changed his life and he thinks

1:27

they can change yours too. Nick knows what

1:29

you're thinking. You don't throw parties and hosting

1:32

them is simply not for you, but

1:34

he'd encourage you not to tune out. He's

1:36

got a great case for why he should give this idea

1:38

a try. And just as he does in his

1:40

book, the two hour cocktail party,

1:42

how to build big relationships with small gatherings.

1:45

Nick is going to lay out exactly how to throw

1:47

party that's low stakes and low

1:49

effort. They'll be highly successful in

1:51

helping you build all kinds of connections. Today

1:54

on the show, Nick shares what he's learned from throwing

1:56

hundreds of parties and refining his hosting technique

1:58

to a tee. He explains why cocktail

2:00

parties are better than dinner parties and don't have

2:02

to involve actual cocktails. The best

2:04

night of the week to throw a party Why the party

2:07

should be only two hours long and have a firm

2:09

in time? How many people to invite?

2:11

And who to invite when you don't yet have any

2:13

friends. Andy explains why he's a big fan

2:15

of two things you might be hesitant about,

2:17

name tags and icebreakers, and why

2:19

two of his favorite things to include in a party are

2:22

great in a

2:23

harmonica. After shows over

2:25

check at our show notes at a web dot is slash

2:27

party.

2:43

Alright. Nick Gray, welcome to the show.

2:45

Thanks.

2:45

Excited to talk about parties. Yes. You got

2:48

a book called the two hour cocktail party,

2:50

how to build big relationships with small

2:52

gatherings. So you wrote this book, but you came

2:54

after you started experimenting with

2:56

hosting parties. How did it change your life? Like, what

2:58

happened to you professionally and personally once

3:00

you started having these cocktail parties on the regular.

3:03

I'll start with the biggest benefit is that professionally

3:05

it helped me launch multi million

3:08

dollar business called Museum hack. don't say

3:10

that to Bragg, but just to say, like, there are

3:12

real benefits to learn and to host

3:14

these gatherings. And I built

3:16

that business based on having

3:18

a, you know, warm list of

3:21

people who knew that they knew me.

3:23

They knew that I did good stuff by hosting

3:25

these parties, that I ran a well

3:28

run event. So professionally,

3:30

I launched this business, Personally,

3:33

I got invited to more events. I

3:35

became someone who

3:37

got introduced to people because of

3:39

these events. And this is one of the number one benefits

3:42

fits that new hosts will tell me.

3:44

I'm now getting introduced to people.

3:46

I never used to get introduced to

3:49

people. Oh, you gotta meet

3:51

Brett. He hosts these awesome events. Like,

3:53

that became a part of my life, and I guess

3:55

I take it for granted now that I'm

3:57

constantly being email

4:00

introduced 874 I get on a text thread

4:02

or at a party or I'm out somewhere and someone's like,

4:04

oh, dude, you gotta meet Nick. He hosts these events.

4:06

That never used to happen to me. Yeah.

4:09

So I just get invited to meet events.

4:11

I meet really cool people. And then I've

4:13

built some of my best friends. Those

4:16

relationships that I've built have come

4:18

out of them first come into my

4:20

parties. That was the first step because

4:22

I believe that big relationships always

4:25

start at the acquaintance

4:26

level. So Yeah. Yeah.

4:28

And I imagine it's you felt good too. Like, I

4:30

mean, I know when I go to a good event from mingling

4:32

with people. I the after

4:33

effects, like, I thoroughly I feel good

4:35

afterwards. I feel happy. Yeah.

4:38

Yeah. Somebody asked me, look, I gotta say.

4:40

Somebody asked me, like, oh, your party's,

4:42

that was an amazing party. Did you

4:44

have fun? And I'll be honest.

4:47

I wouldn't say that my party's

4:49

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say this because people are

4:51

gonna hate it. But I wouldn't say that

4:53

I have fun at my parties. That's

4:55

not the reason that I do it.

4:58

I am so happy afterwards because

5:00

I've hosted a good event and people absolutely

5:04

love it. But it is

5:06

not fun. Does that make sense? Is there

5:08

like a

5:08

difference? Yeah. Yeah. It's not like I mean, it's not

5:10

yeah. I would say, like, when you host a party, I you

5:13

feel tired and it can be exhausting.

5:15

But, like, you do feel good. Like,

5:17

you feel good because you got to -- Yeah. -- rub shoulders

5:19

with people

5:20

and, like, you're able to bring people together. And

5:22

that feels It's satisfying. It's super

5:24

satisfying. It's super satisfying

5:27

and yeah.

5:29

Folks that I talk to because I'm very lucky I get to talk

5:31

to people who read my book and one of the things

5:33

I say is call me the day afterwards. I wanna hear

5:35

how your party went. And they say, like, that

5:37

was amazing. I've never hosts a part. And so

5:39

they're very happy and fulfilled. And

5:41

they have this feeling, here's the key thing.

5:44

You feel like you unlock a

5:46

key life skill that

5:49

nobody has ever taught us how

5:51

to host a good event. Like, Nobody's

5:53

taught us how to make friends as adults.

5:56

And this is one of those things that, like,

5:58

riding a bike or learning how to juggle. Once

6:00

you learn, you're like, oh, Yeah.

6:02

Great. I got

6:03

it. That's a good point. I think a lot of

6:05

people who might be listening to this are not party throwers,

6:07

and you're trying to sell them on throwing parties.

6:09

One of the selling points is if you wanna make more

6:11

friends, this is an easy

6:14

I mean, you might think about party that's a lot of

6:16

work. Gonna show you, actually, it's easier than

6:18

you think. The barrier to entry is not

6:20

as high as you think it

6:21

is. And it can it like you said, you've made

6:23

your best some of your best friends through these parties.

6:26

Yes. Hugely. Big big

6:28

friendships all started at that because

6:30

I don't know. You tell me what you think about this.

6:32

I think if you wanna meet interesting people,

6:35

you have to do interesting things.

6:37

And an easy hack to be someone

6:39

who does interesting things is

6:41

to host a party. Now

6:44

everyone wants to know someone who

6:46

brings people together and what I

6:48

found was all that it takes is a simple

6:50

two hour gathering in the time it takes

6:52

you to watch a Netflix movie or something,

6:54

you can gather fifteen to twenty people and

6:56

it just might change your life it did for me.

6:58

I sound like I'm like, a commercial

7:01

or a multi level marketing scheme, but

7:03

I'm so red pilled on the benefits

7:05

of hosting these gatherings. So, okay, let's

7:07

talk about the parties. In general. Why did

7:09

you choose parties like a cocktail party

7:11

over a dinner party? So

7:14

I use that phrase cocktail party because

7:16

it represents a lightweight social gathering,

7:19

but you could call this whatever you want. A

7:21

happy hour, a gathering

7:24

I like the phrase cocktail party because you

7:26

say it to somebody and they immediately know,

7:28

oh, this is a low commitment. I'll

7:31

meet a lot of people. It'll just

7:33

be conversations. And as

7:35

long as that phrase cocktail party has existed,

7:38

it's kind of always been about the people.

7:40

There's not a single drink recipe in my

7:42

book, I don't even drink alcohol myself. You

7:44

don't have to serve alcohol. But

7:47

I found that cocktail parties got me

7:50

eighty percent of the results of a dinner

7:52

party

7:53

with twenty percent of the work.

7:55

And I

7:56

can talk a little bit about why you should

7:58

not host a dinner party, but many

8:00

entrepreneurs and online adviser

8:03

like start a mastermind group

8:05

or a host of dinner party for other

8:07

business owners, I actually don't

8:09

think that's the best advice for somebody

8:11

just getting started. I actually think it hurts

8:13

more than it helps. Why is that? Dinner

8:16

parties require an extremely advanced

8:18

level of facilitation and

8:20

hosting skills. They're also

8:22

very stressful People have

8:25

dietary preferences. You have to manage

8:27

the food. The hack by the way is that

8:29

if you want if you insist on hosting

8:31

dinner party, order

8:33

Thai food. Like, order

8:35

a bunch of options, let people eat family

8:37

style, but I found

8:39

at least So let's say, for example, I'm trying

8:41

to tightly curate a dinner of six

8:44

people. By the way, more than

8:46

six people and the dinner party conversation

8:48

will naturally buy for Kate. Into two

8:50

groups. I don't like that. I want

8:53

it to be monotrack and having

8:55

something like a Jeff or Sony in dinner

8:57

with ten people on a mono single

8:59

conversation requires extremely

9:03

advanced facilitation skills And

9:05

my book is really about just trying to convince

9:07

a new generation of people, hey,

9:09

if you've never hosted before or if

9:11

the most you would host is on your birthday party

9:14

or at major life event, consider

9:16

how hosting can become a habit that

9:18

you do once every other month

9:21

to build up this network of acquaintances.

9:23

And I like to the idea of the cocktail party because

9:25

even if you don't drink, everyone knows when they they

9:27

picture cocktail party, they probably picture

9:29

at least I do. Nineteen fifties,

9:33

people, you know, dudes in suits, women

9:35

in nice dresses. But they're at it just

9:37

like at someone's house, and they

9:39

have a drink in their hand and they're just chatting.

9:41

And it's I love that idea because it's so low commitment.

9:43

You're just gonna show up and you're gonna talk. And

9:45

the drinks are just something to give

9:48

your hands to do while you're doing that basically.

9:50

And I think today, oftentimes, think when people

9:52

think they wanna get people together, it's gotta

9:54

be some kind of big event You gotta have, like,

9:57

you know, it's gotta be elaborate and whatever. And

9:59

so people end up just not doing anything. So

10:01

I think bringing back this idea of the cocktail party

10:04

is a great way to get people together more

10:06

often.

10:07

You said it much better than I did, which is

10:09

that it's just conversation. A

10:11

cocktail party is lightweight conversation.

10:13

A lot of people standing around usually

10:15

at somebody's home. The drinks are

10:17

the crutch. But they're there. And

10:19

it's easy. You can pop in. If you don't like it, you

10:21

can leave after thirty minutes. Think

10:23

about what what it's like when you invite

10:25

somebody to an event. If I ask

10:28

somebody to come over for dinner, I

10:30

gotta be honest, that is a very

10:33

intimate large commitment.

10:36

That requires, you know, probably two to three

10:38

hours of a dedicated schedule

10:40

block. I really need to like

10:42

somebody to say yes to a dinner party.

10:45

The key thing is a cocktail party

10:47

is easy to say yes

10:49

to. It's easy for somebody to

10:51

say yes to. And I found

10:53

that at the beginning someone to be successful

10:56

and hosting and making friends and building

10:58

their network of acquaintances, The

11:00

number one indicator of success for

11:02

their first party is how many people show

11:04

up. Alright. Let's start to talk about

11:06

playing these parties. We're gonna call it a cocktail party.

11:09

You don't have to serve alcohol necessarily, but

11:11

it's just the the mental model

11:13

we're using to help people understand, like, oh, we're

11:15

just coming together to talk. How in

11:17

advance should you plan a cocktail party?

11:20

You

11:20

need three weeks to plan

11:22

your party minimum.

11:25

And again, the reason for that is I

11:27

really want new hosts to be successful,

11:29

and I found that three weeks gives you enough

11:31

time to first get the five

11:34

yeses from your core group and then

11:36

to cast a wider net and get ten

11:38

more yeses. 2Hour goal is to get

11:40

fifteen people And when you give yourself

11:42

three weeks, I found that is a very

11:45

healthy amount of time to fill

11:47

up your guest list in one or two weeks,

11:49

and then yeah, just

11:51

kinda have the next week to sit and

11:53

simmer, send reminder messages

11:56

by the supplies, clean your

11:58

house. You really don't have to overly

12:00

clean your house. That's one of the biggest myths

12:03

is that you have to have a perfect home and perfect

12:05

condition, shape, location. And there's

12:07

not a lot supplies either. It's under hundred

12:09

dollars. But three weeks is about for

12:12

more advanced people, two weeks, but one of

12:14

the biggest mistakes is it's Monday

12:16

and someone plans a party for

12:17

Friday. There's so much wrong with that.

12:20

Well, one of the things wrong with that is okay.

12:22

First off, it's short. Not enough time.

12:24

But you don't like people having cocktail parties

12:27

on Fridays or the

12:28

weekends. Why is that? The

12:30

Friday and Saturday nights at least where

12:32

I live are socially competitive days.

12:35

Socially competitive days of the week mean

12:37

that you will get bumped other

12:39

things will come up. People are

12:42

busy. They have things on their calendar.

12:44

I suggest, instead of these red

12:46

level days, to host on an

12:49

easy day, like a Monday, a Tuesday,

12:51

or a Wednesday night. Those are the three nights that

12:53

I like. And by the way, the whole thing

12:55

is two hours. And so you're

12:57

not like staying up till midnight on Tuesday

12:59

night and everybody has to work. The party

13:01

is generally two hours long, seven to nine

13:03

PM approximately. Monday,

13:06

Tuesday, Wednesday nights are easier to say yes

13:08

to. You get less of

13:10

a flake rate. That's the people that

13:12

say they'll come but don't. And

13:14

I think it's just nontraditional. It's a little

13:17

bit different. It also signifies that

13:20

a Monday night is not a crazy blackout

13:22

boozer drinkathon. Like,

13:25

this is a social event. It is not about

13:27

the drinking or the, quote, partying

13:29

to the

13:30

extreme. Alright. So you mentioned the the

13:32

title of the book is the two hour cocktail party.

13:34

You've put a hard limit on the

13:36

party. It's just two hours. Why the two hour limit?

13:39

One of the biggest mistakes people make is

13:41

not setting an end time

13:43

to their events. That causes

13:45

slippage in what time people show up,

13:48

it causes an extended awkward

13:50

zone. The awkward zone happens

13:52

at every party, even the ones I

13:54

still throw. It's the first

13:56

ten, fifteen, twenty minutes of an

13:59

event when you haven't reached critical

14:01

mass in the room, when there's only

14:03

a couple people who've shown up. At

14:06

a party, when you set a two

14:08

hour limit, people will show up on

14:10

time. Number one, that's very important. Number

14:13

two, it goes back to making it easy

14:15

for people to say yes. When they

14:17

know this is only a two hour party, that's

14:19

easy. It's a small space in their

14:21

calendar. I also find that

14:24

when you end things on a high note,

14:26

when you end things that are going well,

14:29

people think more highly of

14:31

your event and then of you.

14:33

So I like to end my party when things are

14:35

going well. It gets people to be

14:37

willing to come back. They say nice things

14:39

about my parties.

14:41

was looking two hours. I don't know. I have a short attention

14:43

span. Two hours is good. Yeah. And the the other thing

14:45

too I like about the limit, the hard limit, the hard

14:47

in time, is that we've all been in those parties

14:49

where you're ready to go, but

14:52

you know, there was no in time. It's like, well,

14:54

my my obligated to stay.

14:56

You can and once it's nine o'clock, you're like, alright.

14:59

I'm out. And no one's gonna say anything because

15:01

that's what time the party was over.

15:03

Dude, I wanna talk about that for a second because

15:05

there is this feeling when

15:08

you're at a party And you know when you kinda

15:10

wanna

15:10

leave, but, like, you don't

15:12

wanna be a vibe kill.

15:14

don't wanna be the guy that's, like, just ruining the vibe.

15:16

Right? Yeah. Right. And when

15:18

you give your guests the excuse to leave,

15:21

now you don't have to end the party exactly

15:23

at two hours, but you need to make an announcement. Say,

15:25

hey, everybody. Party was scheduled to end right

15:27

now. Thank you so much for coming. If you need

15:29

to leave, I just wanna say thank you. For

15:31

everybody else, we can do a last call, start to

15:33

wind down your conversations. Thank you for coming.

15:36

And I'll see you guys in a few minutes. When you

15:38

give them that exit, that release, people

15:41

are surprisingly thankful for it. For

15:43

those who have to go, they're so thankful. Hey,

15:45

Thank you for running a good event. I really appreciated

15:47

that you ended your party on time.

15:50

You will be shocked and surprised how often

15:52

that comment happens after you host a two

15:54

hour

15:54

party. Well, the other benefit of the two hour party

15:57

that I just thought of and the reason one of the reasons why

15:59

you probably get more yeses is because

16:01

if you're a parent, and you gotta find

16:03

a babysitter. It's hard to find

16:05

you can actually ask that seventeen year old

16:07

to babysit your kids and, like, hey, I'm gonna home at

16:09

nine o'clock. Instead of this well,

16:11

I don't know when it's gonna be over. It could

16:13

be ten or eleven on a school

16:15

night. Well, you're not gonna find a babysitter. Right.

16:18

Right. And thinking about that, by the

16:20

way, for those listeners who have kids

16:22

that are wondering how do I host this party with

16:24

kids, we could riff on that. But one

16:26

thing I have found is that

16:29

if you have kids, if a lot of your friends

16:31

have kids, a key unlock,

16:33

a key hacked, whatever word you wanna

16:36

say, is to hire a babysitter

16:38

to provide childcare at your

16:40

party if you are able to.

16:43

Allows it to be even easier

16:45

for your friends with kids to say yes.

16:47

Now, maybe it's not doable

16:49

for you to hire the childcare

16:52

for your party, then what you wanna do

16:54

is host a simultaneous kids

16:56

party in another room

16:58

of the house I have a article

17:00

on my website that speaks about how

17:03

to throw a simultaneous kids party,

17:05

to play a movie, to get some snacks

17:07

for them. What to do to make that

17:09

a success and allow those parents

17:12

to have adult conversations. What we don't

17:14

want is for kids to be running around the house.

17:16

It serves as a conversational crutch for

17:19

the parents and they don't actually get to build

17:21

those adult relationships that are so

17:23

important. That's a good point. I've been to events

17:25

where it's, you know, kids

17:27

and parents mingling together, which,

17:29

you know, some of those can be fine. Right? That's fine. IIII

17:32

there's a I like those things, but there's sometimes

17:34

we just want the adult conversation. And

17:36

then, yeah, you see the parents, like, the kids

17:38

will interrupt and the parents got, oh, I gotta tend

17:40

to Jimmy, and it just it

17:42

it throws the conversation off. Or

17:44

or the or the parents will, you know, invite

17:47

their kids I think they're being well meaning

17:49

and well intended. It'll invite, like, you know, their twelve year

17:51

old, thirteen year old to the adult conversation. And

17:53

completely shit changes what

17:56

you're able to talk about. Because there's a

17:58

kid there.

17:59

Yes. One thing that I have

18:01

heard is that if you are

18:03

hosting a children's birthday

18:05

party, If you're hosting a birthday party

18:07

for one of your kids, consider

18:10

using some things from my book

18:12

such as name tags for the

18:14

adults. When we have these

18:16

birthday parties for our kids and all the adults

18:18

show up, that is a missed opportunity

18:20

for the adults to meet new people and make new

18:23

friends. And I will almost guarantee

18:25

you that they will not know each other's names

18:27

at those events. You'll say them, but it's oftentimes

18:30

forgotten. A little name tag

18:32

can make a lot of difference to helping adults

18:34

make new friends and make connections even at

18:36

a kid's birthday

18:37

party. Yeah. We'll talk about the name tags. That's really

18:39

interesting. Okay. So we'll talk about we'll

18:41

talk about when to plan these things, Monday,

18:43

Tuesday, Wednesday nights are best. You wanna

18:45

set a hard two hour limit because it just increases

18:48

the the opt in for it and plus it's just

18:50

people like that. It's short and they know when

18:52

they can be finished with it. Let's talk about

18:54

where to host these things, where should you host your

18:56

party?

18:57

For ninety five percent of people that are

18:59

listening to this, the best place to host

19:02

is at your home. Your

19:04

house is key

19:07

to building these relationships and

19:09

creating connections. Now

19:11

in certain situations, the house is not

19:13

viable. But I'm gonna tell you why

19:16

your home is best even if you

19:18

think it's too small or it's too far

19:20

away or it's too messy. First,

19:22

the why. When you host at

19:24

home, it's kind

19:26

of a vulnerable act to invite

19:28

someone into your home. And yet

19:31

it creates this connection that's

19:33

almost like going on a little date with

19:35

someone. It's so vulnerable

19:37

to be welcomed into someone's home.

19:40

That you turbo charge the relationship.

19:42

Imagine meeting somebody at a bar

19:45

and the difference in meeting them at the bar

19:48

or go into their

19:50

home. You get to come into

19:52

their personal space, which is so

19:54

different and unique, and it just doesn't

19:56

happen that off Hosting

19:59

at home is also incredibly generous.

20:02

It's the difference of having to wait and

20:04

handle a bar tab. When

20:06

people are having to buy their own drinks and

20:08

things like that. That is not generous. And

20:10

I believe that to build relationships you have

20:13

to give before you can ask, and

20:15

the fact that you're giving them drinks

20:17

and snacks when they come up to your home,

20:19

that's very nice. Hosting at home is also nice

20:21

because you get to control who's there. Everybody

20:24

is there that you have invited. Hosting

20:26

at home, you can control the music, the

20:28

lighting, you are in charge,

20:30

you are the leader when it's at your

20:32

home. Okay. So that's the why. You you

20:34

mentioned that a lot of people have some there's some pushback.

20:36

Why do people say, well, I wanna do

20:38

this, but I don't wanna do it at my house. What are the

20:40

the common reasons? As

20:42

I'm recording this, I'm in New York

20:44

City. I live in Austin, Texas.

20:46

In both places, I have very

20:49

small apartments. And people say,

20:51

I have a tiny apartment, a

20:53

tiny house. I cannot host

20:55

people. I don't have enough chairs. Well,

20:58

number one, you don't want chairs.

21:00

If you have a large house, you wanna remove

21:02

the chairs because sitting down

21:05

is actually kryptonite. To a successful

21:07

event. When people sit down, they become

21:10

locked in conversations, they become

21:12

a bit lazy, and it's harder for people to

21:14

approach and join those conversations.

21:17

So at my parties, I actually want people

21:19

stand in much more often than sitting

21:22

down. A small space

21:24

actually the energy is way better.

21:26

A small space is actually better than

21:28

an enormous mansion for a party.

21:31

Because in a small space, you have that energy

21:34

and excitement that feels

21:36

more like a crowded bar. It doesn't feel

21:38

empty and big and ghostly like

21:41

a huge mansion. Some people say, oh,

21:43

my house is way too far away. I'm

21:45

in Green Point, New York.

21:47

I'm in such and such place.

21:49

That's thirty minutes drive. What

21:51

I say to that is don't make

21:53

the decision for your friends as

21:56

to whether they will drive or not. Test

21:59

it out, invite your core group.

22:01

You will be surprised that people will

22:03

be willing to come to you. Even

22:05

if it's thirty or thirty five minutes away,

22:07

people will come for a cocktail party.

22:10

It is so hard to meet new people

22:12

what you are doing a special, you

22:14

and your home is enough of an excuse

22:17

to make this a special night for your friends

22:19

to come join you. The last thing I

22:21

hear from people, oh, my house is too messy,

22:23

you know? I've got kids. I'm not the

22:26

cleanest person. I'll

22:28

tell you what I do. I'm very messy.

22:30

I have junk all over my house

22:33

and I take a couple large plastic

22:35

bins or some old Amazon

22:37

boxes. And I kinda just clear off

22:39

the countertops and put all the junk in the boxes

22:42

and hide it in my closet. I will

22:44

stack things on my bed in my room

22:46

and just close that room off. And

22:48

I tell you, of many years hosting

22:50

hundreds of parties, Nobody has ever

22:53

barged into my room or my closet and said,

22:55

hey, here's where he's storing all the junk.

22:57

Let's go, everybody. We're leaving this party

22:59

to start a rival house party. Nobody

23:02

says that nobody's gonna be peeking around

23:04

for your junk. Host your party

23:06

at

23:07

home, it will completely turbocharge

23:09

how you can build these relationships. So

23:11

for the people who were saying, oh, my place

23:13

is too small to host a party. Here's an

23:15

insight from Henry David Thoreau.

23:17

So we all know he lived in a cabin

23:19

he built on Walden. was ten feet wide by

23:22

fifteen feet long. And is what he had to

23:24

say about when he had visitors, he had people

23:26

come to his place. He said this, it

23:28

is surprising how many great men and women

23:30

a small house will contain. I

23:32

had twenty five or thirty souls with

23:34

their bodies at once under my roof.

23:37

We often parted without being aware that we had

23:39

come very near to one another. So

23:41

if Henry David Thoreau could have

23:43

thirty people in his ten foot by

23:45

fifteen foot

23:46

cabin. You could probably have seven

23:49

ten people in your in your small apartment. You

23:52

can have fifteen to twenty five people.

23:54

There's this kid whose name is Peter

23:56

in New York City. He hosted

23:58

a cocktail party. His apartment is like the

24:00

size of two yoga mats. And

24:03

I have a selfie of him and everybody packed

24:05

in there and they're all smiling. There's

24:07

a guy Noah who's on my blog I wrote

24:09

about. He had twenty nine people in

24:11

his four hundred square foot apartment in

24:14

Chicago. You will be surprised

24:16

when everybody's standing and mixing about,

24:18

Yeah. So we've talked about where to host it at your

24:20

home. If you can't host it at your place. Right? So there's

24:22

maybe that five percent that can't do

24:24

it. Where do you recommend doing it at? If

24:26

you cannot host at your home, here are some places

24:29

you can host it. Number one, in a common

24:31

or community space in your apartment

24:34

or your neighborhood. Number two,

24:36

at a co working space. I have an article

24:38

we'll include in show notes about how to host

24:40

a good event if you're a digital nomad

24:42

or you have access to a

24:44

co working space. Number three,

24:46

the key thing and the one that will help

24:49

the most people. If you cannot

24:51

host at your home, Find

24:53

a co host. Find someone

24:55

that has a larger space. This

24:58

happens way more often than you think

25:00

who wants to host, they say, wow, I got this

25:02

beautiful house, but I just never host.

25:05

Link up with them. Now if you

25:07

do that, you need to get them to

25:09

buy in to the elements of my party

25:11

formula. Say, hey, I'm gonna host

25:13

this, but there's some things. Right? There'll be named tags.

25:15

We're gonna do some rounds of icebreakers. I'm gonna

25:17

kick people out at the end. Get their

25:19

buy in for those elements, and that can turbo

25:22

charge having that

25:23

cohost. That is a major

25:25

major accelerator on

25:27

your journey.

25:28

Alright. So we got the date, location, time

25:31

for our party set, we talked

25:33

little bit earlier you're gonna invite. So

25:35

who should you invite to these cocktail parties?

25:37

And, like, how many people should you be inviting?

25:39

K. So let's start with the number

25:41

of people, how many people. You

25:43

need to have a minimum of fifteen

25:45

people to come to your party. Here's

25:48

why fifteen is important. I have found that

25:50

anything less than fifteen, there

25:52

is not enough energy in

25:54

the room. You don't reach critical mass

25:57

for conversational collisions. Somebody

25:59

walks into a room of fifteen other people

26:01

and they say, wow, I'm not gonna be

26:03

able to talk to everybody here. Like, this is kind

26:06

of exciting. If you walk into a room of

26:08

seven or eight people, that is

26:10

I don't know. There's just not enough energy

26:13

there. I have also found surprisingly

26:16

that the more number of people actually

26:18

requires less work during the

26:20

party for you as a host. When

26:23

I have fifteen to twenty people, I can kinda

26:25

step aside for a little bit. I am

26:27

still an introvert and I need time

26:29

to recharge. And during my parties,

26:31

I will often sneak into my room and

26:34

scroll social media for a few minutes just

26:36

to take a breather. And

26:38

I can do that when there's fifteen people. When there's

26:40

less than that, I need to babysit people.

26:43

There needs there's just There's a lot

26:45

more work you have to do as host to monitor

26:47

the room and keep people engaged. More

26:50

than twenty two, The icebreakers take

26:53

too long. The logistics are complicated,

26:55

welcoming people name tags. For

26:57

a first time host, I think fifteen

27:00

to twenty, is the right amount. Now,

27:02

to get fifteen to twenty, you will very

27:04

likely have to invite a lot more than

27:06

that. In small towns, maybe

27:08

not the case, people don't have

27:10

a lot going on and maybe you can invite

27:13

twenty five and you'll get fifteen to twenty

27:15

to say yes. In larger cities

27:17

where you know, maybe your relationships aren't

27:19

as strong or there's a lot more

27:21

going on, you will have to invite

27:23

a lot more than that. For your

27:25

first party, who should you invite? Number

27:28

one, it's okay to invite couples.

27:30

So you invite one person, ask them to bring

27:32

their significant other that can double the

27:34

size of those that attend. Do

27:37

not my one piece of advice on what

27:39

not to do. Do not reach from

27:41

the top shelf for this first party.

27:43

Say that you know Brett and you're like, oh my god,

27:46

I really want to impress Brett. I hardly know

27:48

him. Do not invite Brett to your

27:50

first party. 2Hour first party should be

27:52

a low stakes affair where you're inviting

27:54

your friends, your neighbors,

27:57

your work colleagues, those people

27:59

that you feel close to and comfortable

28:01

with, that is who you should do

28:03

for your first party. If you're trying

28:05

to use these parties for business to impress

28:07

potential

28:08

clients, don't do that on the first

28:10

party. Keep it a low stakes, no stress

28:12

affair. We also talked earlier about this

28:15

idea of a core group of Invites.

28:17

So who are these core group

28:19

of party Invites?

28:21

Your core group are people that you feel comfortable

28:24

around core group 874 people that if only

28:26

those five people showed up, you would

28:28

still have a good event. For me, that's

28:30

like my college friends. That might be

28:32

my sister. That might be

28:34

my girlfriend and one of her best friends.

28:37

It might be my neighbor who I

28:39

know these two guys that are my neighbors and I would

28:41

invite them because I see them lot it's not

28:43

a big lift. That's the five

28:45

people that you feel close to

28:48

who you know would show up on time.

28:50

You know will maybe laugh at your jokes.

28:52

Who who just you can count

28:54

on? And that's what I consider your core

28:56

group. You're gonna test whether

28:59

your party date and time are good

29:01

by texting your core group a message like,

29:03

hey, David. I'm thinking of hosting a cocktail

29:06

party on Tuesday night, March

29:08

fourteenth at my apartment from seven

29:10

to nine PM. If I do

29:12

it, would you come? That's the key

29:14

phrase to your core

29:15

group, and you're not gonna plan your

29:17

party until you get five yeses

29:19

from that core group. Yeah. The core group's kind

29:21

of like the the sourdough starter or the

29:23

kombucha starter. Yes. Yes.

29:26

Yes. So after you got this core group, these

29:28

are the five people you know who are gonna show up. What

29:30

other sorts of people should you start inviting

29:32

to get that fifteen?

29:34

After your core group, you get those five yeses.

29:36

Now you wanna get ten great

29:38

guests. These are everybody else at

29:41

your party. They might be the

29:43

person you worked with at your last job

29:45

two years ago and you haven't talked to them in

29:47

a while. This might be somebody that you went to high

29:49

school or college with and you haven't talked to them

29:51

in a little while. It might be your neighbors

29:53

that you don't know as well. It might be

29:55

a friend of a friend that you've been meaning to

29:57

meet up with a coffee. Could be somebody at the gym

30:00

that you see all the time and you say,

30:02

hey, I'm hosting a cocktail party

30:04

with some of my friends on Tuesday night,

30:07

use this phrase by the way, can I send you

30:09

the info? You don't wanna say, do you

30:11

wanna come? Will you come? It's not the same as

30:13

with your core group. For a great guest, you're gonna say,

30:15

can I send you the info? And then

30:17

you're gonna send them the little page that you'll

30:19

create, which by the way, you have to collect

30:21

RSVPs. But that's that wider

30:23

net of people who you cast more of

30:26

into the acquaintance and less of a

30:27

friend. And then at a certain point when you've gotten

30:29

good at the hosting, you can start

30:32

asking those VIPs to come as

30:33

well. Yes. And that is

30:35

the biggest thing that you can use these parties

30:37

for is to connect with VIPs. If

30:40

you truly wanna build good relationships, I

30:42

think you have to be able to give value

30:44

first. The secret I found

30:47

is that everybody wants to be invited

30:49

to a party. I've given thousands

30:51

of party invites and nobody

30:54

has ever said, no,

30:56

not send me the info for this free

30:58

party that you're hosting with free drinks, snacks,

31:00

and interesting

31:01

people. Nobody said that. Yeah.

31:03

And I imagine those VIPs, they're probably getting

31:05

invited to things all the time.

31:07

And oftentimes, they might say no because

31:09

they're like, well, it's it's high stakes. I'm

31:11

gonna feel but if you if you're good at

31:13

hosting these parties, you can present it to them

31:15

like, hey, We have this thing on the regular. We've

31:17

got interesting people in our in our community. We'd

31:20

love to have

31:20

you. If you if you can make it, it'd be awesome.

31:23

And they might be more likely to say yes

31:25

to that. One

31:27

big thing I found is that when I

31:29

take a picture at my parties,

31:31

I always snap a group photo

31:34

And in my book, it talks about exactly at

31:36

what time to snap your group photo. I think probably

31:38

about thirty minutes before your party is scheduled

31:41

to end, you would snap a group photo.

31:43

The group photo is helpful. Number one, to

31:45

follow-up with everybody the next morning. Hey,

31:47

everybody. Thanks for coming. Here's our group photo.

31:50

And then number two, I use that group photo

31:52

when I plan my next parties when I invite

31:54

VIPs to show them

31:56

what these parties look like, the people who attend.

31:58

It is social proof. That

32:01

this is a good event. And so those

32:03

parties reaching out to the VIPs. The

32:05

other piece of advice I found is that if

32:07

you're inviting VIPs because they are very

32:09

busy, I will invite them

32:12

to multiple events and

32:14

give them. I say, hey, I host these cocktail

32:16

parties. I get together some interesting people

32:18

as well as my closest friends in the city.

32:21

Would you like to come sometime? Here's my next

32:23

two. And I'll tell them the date and the time

32:25

of the next two, and I found a much

32:27

higher success ratio in getting people to

32:29

come when I gave them multiple dates.

32:32

Well, let's say someone wants to start hosting

32:34

these parties. They wanna make friends, but they don't

32:36

have friends yet because they're maybe they're new to the

32:38

city. They don't have that court. So how do

32:40

you do you do that? I mean, how do you start

32:42

developing that core group? You can start inviting so

32:44

you can get these things going.

32:46

So if you absolutely have zero

32:49

friends. This is a little bit out

32:51

of my zone of expertise. I

32:53

can tell you what I have done and

32:55

what I've worked with people on, but I will

32:58

give the little warning that these

33:01

parties work best when you have at least five

33:03

friends, five people you know that can be part of

33:05

that core group. If you know absolutely

33:08

no one, you still need to pick

33:10

a date and time, give yourself more

33:13

more of a party runway. So instead of three

33:15

weeks, let's say, four weeks, you're

33:17

now gonna set that date and time, let's say it's

33:19

a Tuesday night from seven to nine PM.

33:22

You are now going to start to go to events

33:24

in your local town or community. A lot people

33:27

tell you this, this is not new advice. But

33:29

I would say that going to a yoga class,

33:31

a workout class, a sports event, think

33:33

about you basically have two opportunities to

33:36

meet people. That's in the five or ten minutes

33:38

before the yoga class starts and the five

33:40

or ten minutes after. And at each

33:42

of those interactions, you can really only

33:44

meet one person You're not gonna

33:46

jump around the room inviting tons of people that's

33:48

just gonna look or feel weird in my experience.

33:51

So you can go to events like this.

33:54

You can look up groups around

33:56

your hobbies. You can join the sports team.

33:58

You can go and literally pass out flyers

34:01

in your neighborhood or slide them under the doors

34:03

of your neighbors. A guy named Richard

34:05

in Calgary, Canada did

34:07

this. He moved to a new apartment building

34:10

literally knew nobody and

34:12

put up flyers. Hey, I'm hosting a housewarming

34:14

party. He slid them under the doors. He

34:16

put up signs in the common areas.

34:19

And he invited his neighbors to come and

34:21

that helped him build a core group.

34:24

The other advice I tell people is that,

34:26

like, I love diversity at

34:28

my parties, and diversity extends

34:31

to the occupations. I don't mind

34:33

inviting the burista of

34:35

the cafe that I go to. I don't

34:37

mind inviting folks that work at

34:39

the library, things like that. Saying

34:42

this thing to them, hey, I just moved

34:44

to town. I'm meeting these interesting

34:46

people. I'm hosting a party. Just It's

34:49

hard to make new friends as adults. Can

34:51

I send you the information? If

34:53

you are new to town, you can lean

34:55

on that as part of your introductory

34:58

I'm new to town. I'm meeting all these interesting

35:00

people. I'm new to town. I'm trying

35:02

to meet some new people. People

35:05

respect that you have just moved to town.

35:07

Why? Because it's a vote in their favor.

35:09

You have moved to their town. You think that

35:12

their town is the best place that you can

35:14

possibly live. And they will respect

35:16

and appreciate that. That idea that you're new

35:18

to town, do not feel shy to

35:20

lean into

35:21

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39:53

now back to the show. So you got

39:55

your people you're going to invite. How do you invite

39:57

them? Like, what's the best

39:58

way? Is it a mass message? Or do you invite people

40:00

one by one. This is so

40:02

key. You have to invite people one on

40:05

one. I will say to them, hey,

40:07

I'm hosting an event on Tuesday night,

40:10

in three weeks, can I send you the

40:12

info? I get them to say yes before

40:14

I invite them to the party. Why

40:16

is this important? It's a double opt

40:19

in introduction. I'm

40:21

getting them to say yes, sort of, and

40:23

it boosts the attendance rate. I'm

40:25

trying to sort of make it a little hard

40:27

for somebody to RSVP

40:30

to the party because I don't want

40:32

a large flake ratio. I don't want

40:34

a lot of people who say that they are going to

40:36

come and then to not show up. So

40:38

how do I invite them? Say that I knew

40:40

somebody. I hadn't seen them in two or three years from

40:42

work from my last job. I'd

40:44

send them a message like this. I'd say, hey, John. I

40:46

haven't chatted mile. I'm hosting a

40:48

happy hour here in town at

40:51

my apartment on this date and time. I'm

40:53

getting together folks I used to work with,

40:56

my neighbors and my friends from sports, can

40:58

I send you the info? Hope you're

41:00

well and having a great year. I would send

41:02

out a bunch of little messages like that

41:04

to gauge the interest. Once they say yes,

41:07

then you're going to say, hey, great.

41:09

Here's the information. Please RSVP here.

41:12

And you need to get them to sign up on

41:15

your little event page. I

41:17

think this is very, very important. Now

41:19

there's a few platforms that

41:21

will do free events. I don't

41:23

like using Facebook events anymore. Five years

41:25

ago, I did, but now I don't. Now I use

41:27

this one tool that's called Mixoly. Gen

41:30

Z loves this one called party

41:32

full. You could use paperless

41:34

post. Important thing is you just want to free

41:36

simple service that folks can just make

41:38

their commitment to attend your party. It

41:40

creates a little social contract And

41:42

then when you display the guest list, it also

41:45

shows social proof that other people

41:47

will be attending your

41:48

party. Yeah. That social proof is important.

41:50

Before you do the RSVP, you wanna make sure you're yeah.

41:52

That core group you're gonna show

41:54

up. Because, like, nothing nothing's a

41:56

vibe killer,

41:56

then you you send out the RSVP and, like, zero

41:58

people have checked in that they're gonna

42:00

come. Yes. Yes. It's like the old

42:02

days of Facebook events where it's like ninety

42:05

seven invited three,

42:07

yes. And you're like, wait a second. What's

42:09

going on with this party? So I talk a

42:11

lot about social proof, and think the reason

42:13

why is that the purpose

42:15

of these parties is to meet new people.

42:18

Your friends will want to come and

42:20

be happy that they came because

42:22

they will meet so many people and the party

42:24

is structured in a way that there are

42:27

a lot of little conversations

42:29

happening. That's what make these parties successful.

42:32

And the other thing you do as the event

42:34

gets closer with that events page, you will

42:36

actually you'll, like, put bios

42:38

as some of the people who've committed to coming.

42:40

And that can be useful because it allows people who

42:42

are going to see, okay, who's gonna be here? I have

42:44

an idea who's gonna be there. But also

42:46

for the people who have been on the fence

42:48

maybe, They'll see, oh, like, there's there's gonna

42:50

be some cool people there. I'm gonna opt in now

42:52

because I saw that Bio on the event page.

42:55

Dude, the Bio's are my secret

42:57

weapon. The bios are I

43:00

use them in my reminder messages. By

43:02

the way, you need to send three reminder

43:04

messages. One, that's about a week

43:06

before your party. One that's three

43:08

or four days before your party and the other

43:11

the morning of your party.

43:13

But these guest buyers that you mentioned

43:15

are brief little anecdotes

43:18

or summaries or talking points

43:20

about half or more of all of

43:22

your guests. They could be as simple

43:24

as Jim is my neighbor.

43:27

He has a golden retriever. I

43:30

think he works in tech.

43:33

It could be as detailed as saying, like, you know,

43:35

Brett hosts a podcast, ask

43:37

him about some of his recent guests we

43:40

met through the Internet. Right? They're not

43:43

long detailed things, but they're little

43:45

blurbs about people that

43:47

give the attendees conversational acts test

43:49

points, and I'll tell you why they're important. Probably

43:52

half of the people you'll invite could be

43:54

introverts. Some of them have social anxiety.

43:57

Seeing this list of who is going

43:59

to be there makes people excited

44:02

to attend, it gives them the confidence,

44:05

to create these new conversations. And

44:08

like you

44:08

said, if somebody's on the fence, it really

44:10

ensures that they actually will show up.

44:12

And some people might think that the reminders is

44:15

overkill. But as someone who's like, I've I've

44:17

organized events for different things,

44:19

it is not over You cannot overcommunicate --

44:21

Yeah. -- because people are getting inundated with

44:24

all sorts of emails, text messages.

44:27

So stuff slips through the cracks. And

44:29

so you have to overcommunicate

44:31

because chances are they're gonna miss maybe

44:34

one or two of those reminders you've set. In

44:37

hundreds of parties that I have hosted,

44:39

I have never had somebody say, hey,

44:41

you were spamming me too much with

44:43

these reminder messages. Instead,

44:46

I consistently receive over a

44:48

ninety percent attendance rate

44:50

of those that are gonna come. What's

44:52

the downside? The downside of this is,

44:55

yes, maybe you send one too many message, but it

44:57

takes somebody five seconds to move on

44:59

from an email message. The upside

45:01

is that you show that you are a host

45:03

who cares. In this age of

45:05

like too cool to care, you

45:08

are showing that you are someone putting thought

45:10

and effort into the planning of

45:12

this social experience in

45:14

this cocktail party happy hour. You

45:17

show that you're a host who cares and people

45:19

appreciate the heck out of it. You're gonna be

45:21

seen as a super connector and people

45:24

are gonna look at your hosting skills like you're a

45:26

win. All you did is just host

45:28

a cocktail party. It's amazing. Oh, we're talking

45:30

about supplies. We kind of mentioned it. It's not much.

45:33

Some cups, some drinks, some

45:35

snacks and, you know, like, you don't want anything that's

45:38

warm you have to warm up. Nuts are

45:40

great, maybe a cheese

45:42

platter. That's it. Like, it's not a

45:44

hundred bucks max is what you have to spend on these

45:46

things. Hundred bucks max, the

45:48

bar, by the way, is a self serve

45:50

bar. So you're just gonna buy some liquor

45:52

and some mix and some nonalcoholic options.

45:55

People love seltzers. One

45:57

thing that I added in the last week

45:59

of finishing my book to the list of supplies

46:01

was grapes. I would encourage

46:03

anybody listening that sounds so silly,

46:05

but in all these calls I do with people the next

46:08

day, I always ask, what snacks got eaten?

46:10

What snacks didn't get eaten? Everybody eats

46:12

the grapes. Grapes are such a good party

46:14

snack and that and the harmonica,

46:17

I think, are my two things that I'm

46:19

like. That's that's so weird. We'll include

46:21

this. So let's talk about a few things you mentioned.

46:24

Harmonikas, we'll talk

46:25

about that later, but first name tags.

46:27

People are gonna think I'm crazy. Sorry. Let's

46:29

talk about the name tags. So you actually

46:32

you make your guest wear name

46:34

tags. Now people might well, this is like a cocktail

46:36

party. Like, grandpa in the nineteen

46:38

fifties in his -- Right. Right. -- his coat, like

46:40

suit

46:40

like, he wouldn't be wearing a name tag. Why do you make your

46:42

guess wear a name tag? I talked

46:44

to a kid yesterday who was hosting a brunch

46:47

on Sunday, and he was like, alright, I've

46:49

listened to everything. I don't know got

46:51

the name tags. I don't want this to feel too

46:53

formal. I don't know if my friends will be up. So

46:55

I said, well, what's the purpose of your brain? She said, well, I'm

46:57

having about twenty people over. It's kind of a housewarming.

47:00

I said, Well, do you know everybody's name?

47:02

He said, yeah, of course. I said, does everybody

47:04

else know everybody's name? He said, oh,

47:06

no. No. I guess not. Name tags

47:08

are important because while you may know

47:11

everybody's name and know that

47:13

they know your name, they do not

47:15

know everybody else's names. And here's why it's

47:17

helpful. When you have

47:19

name tags, you will show that

47:21

this is not a party of clicks. This

47:23

is not a click out party with

47:26

your work friends together, your

47:28

hockey friends together, and your neighbors

47:31

all mixing. When we

47:33

wear a name tag, It

47:35

serves as like a sports uniform

47:38

that we're all on the same team, that

47:40

this is a safe space to go meet

47:42

new people. It makes it easier.

47:44

You don't have to remember all these different names.

47:46

I'm bad with names. And ultimately, that's why

47:48

I started using these name tags. But

47:50

I have found that, like,

47:53

this is the one thing. Name

47:55

tags make it easier to talk to

47:57

new people. The whole purpose of

47:59

this party is for your friends to

48:01

meet other friends. Remember, you have to give

48:04

before you can ask for anything to build relationships

48:07

When you do name tags even at house

48:09

parties, it will make it such

48:11

a conducive environment to create

48:14

new conversations

48:15

and make it easier for people just to go

48:17

up and speak to somebody new. Yeah. It's a good

48:19

point. I think a lot of conversation when you're

48:22

starting off with it. Somebody don't know. A

48:24

lot of it's just spent what's your name?

48:26

And then you have to spend all this time, this bandwidth

48:28

in your brain. I gotta remember saying their

48:30

name over. Okay. It's Jeff. It's Jeff. It's Jeff. It's

48:32

Jeff. And then you're not in the conversation

48:35

because when it finally turns to you, you're

48:36

like, oh gosh. don't even know what they're talking about because I'm still trying

48:38

remember Jeff's name here. Yes.

48:41

I'm I'm so bad with names. I went

48:43

to this one event that was in New

48:45

York and that was the CEO as a woman

48:47

who started a company multimillion dollar PR

48:50

firm. And she remembered my

48:52

name. She called me from a cross room. Nick, oh

48:54

my god. It's so good to see you. And

48:56

I was like a deer caught in the headlights.

48:58

I had forgotten her name. It was

49:00

obvious that I had forgotten her name.

49:03

I could have solved it by saying, like, oh my god.

49:05

It's so good to see you. Remind me what your name is again.

49:07

But honestly, this had been several years

49:09

that I had casually seen here at social

49:11

events. I was mortified

49:13

and that could have been solved with a simple name

49:16

tag. And with the name tag,

49:18

you you actually write the

49:20

name for your guest when they come

49:22

in. Correct? Like, you don't let the guest write

49:24

their own name. Why is that? Yeah.

49:26

Yeah. It's a small thing and I have a lot of

49:28

specific preferences. For

49:30

example, first name's only big block

49:32

letters. I think you should

49:35

write the name tag when your guests come in. It

49:37

gives you a way to welcome everybody

49:40

to sort of establish yourself as

49:42

the party leader it gives you a

49:44

chance one on one when I write the name

49:46

tags, hey, what's up? What's your name? Thanks for coming.

49:48

Alex. Alex, ALEX.

49:51

Here's your name tag, Alex. Go over to

49:53

the bar and see John. He'll help you find a

49:55

drink, but thank you so much for coming

49:56

today. It gives me a chance one on

49:58

one to have a connection with every single

50:01

person who attends. Gotcha. So let's talk

50:03

about those early moments. So you have

50:05

a a start time, then you want people to be there

50:07

on time, and the two hour limit encourages

50:09

that. There's always gonna be those moments where

50:11

you just have two, three

50:13

people, and it's, like, 2Hour ten

50:16

minutes in, that's kinda awkward

50:18

word. You're like, well, what am I supposed to do?

50:20

How do you handle that awkwardness when there's just

50:22

a few guests? And it's just you and them.

50:25

Number one, know that this awkward zone

50:27

happens at every single party.

50:29

I'll give you some tools and tips how to get

50:31

out of the awkward zone, but One, know that

50:33

it happens and that it's normal. Number

50:35

two, a way to ease the

50:38

awkward zone is to ask some of

50:40

those people in your core group to

50:42

arrive five or ten minutes early. K?

50:45

Now even though they are your best friends,

50:47

they will still probably show up late. So maybe

50:49

ask them fifteen or twenty minutes to come

50:51

early. But you can ask them to show up

50:53

early and say, hey, look, I just want some

50:55

friendly faces around the room when other people

50:57

start to show up. That will help the room feel

50:59

a little more welcome and comfortable. Number

51:01

three, what does everybody say when they show up

51:03

and they're one of the first to arrive? They say,

51:06

how can I help? Well, be ready

51:08

to give them a way that they can

51:10

help. I have a list in my book of things

51:12

they can do to help, but some of those are help

51:15

me with the coat check. This is where people hang

51:17

up their jackets. Can you help them? Help

51:19

people get a drink, John. Will you help

51:21

for the first fifteen minutes? I'll send people over

51:23

to you to grab a drink. You

51:25

can ask somebody to be the photographer.

51:28

Tyler, can you take pictures tonight? Always

51:30

forget to take pictures. Can you take photos?

51:33

Be ready to delegate duties

51:35

to some of those first arrivals. That

51:38

is a key thing and why? Because

51:40

now they'll feel invested in the success of

51:42

your party. Some people by the way won't want

51:44

to help with drinks. Oh, I don't Not really.

51:46

That's okay. Say, no problem. Thanks

51:48

so much. Just hang out over here and make yourself

51:50

comfortable, and I'll see you in a few minutes.

51:53

Giving people duties and things that they can

51:55

do at the beginning is helpful. And

51:57

then number four, do

51:59

your first icebreaker. When you have about

52:01

four or five people, you're gonna

52:03

lead this first round of icebreakers mostly

52:06

for you to practice. That first icebreaker

52:09

is just for you to practice because

52:11

many people have never let a icebreaker before

52:13

never mind at their home. And so you'll

52:15

lead an icebreaker to help you exit

52:17

the awkward zone when you have four

52:20

or five people. That first icebreaker, by

52:22

the way, you're just gonna go around the room. Everybody,

52:24

just say your name, say what you do for

52:26

work. And if you have enough time, then maybe you'll do one

52:28

more thing. But that's how to exit the awkward

52:31

zone and manage that first ten to

52:33

twenty minutes. Again, however,

52:35

when you host a two hour cocktail party,

52:37

you will be shocked at how many people show

52:39

up on time compared to normal

52:41

parties with no end time when

52:44

people show up

52:44

thirty, forty five minutes, even an hour late,

52:47

very common. So let's talk about these ice

52:49

breakers. So I think a lot of people, they hear ice breakers,

52:51

they think summer camp or they think

52:53

some corporate retreat and they're like, I

52:56

don't like ice breakers. So why

52:58

do you incorporate ice breakers in your party,

53:00

and how are they different from maybe the ones they might have

53:02

done at some office

53:04

retreat? I think icebreakers get

53:06

a bad rep because a lot of people do them

53:08

wrong. I hate though, say a fun fact

53:11

about yourself or two

53:13

truths and a lie. I think about icebreakers

53:15

as green, yellow, red level

53:18

of intensity or

53:20

vulnerability. And many people

53:22

will start with a red level, which is totally

53:24

wrong. They'll ask, what was your worst first date? What was

53:26

your first kiss or something like that. That's a

53:28

terrible icebreaker. That is terrible. I

53:31

will start my parties with a green

53:33

level icebreaker. Now a green

53:36

level icebreaker, an example, is what

53:38

is one of your favorite things to eat for

53:40

breakfast. That may sound silly

53:42

or stupid, but I promise you having

53:44

led thousands of icebreakers. This works

53:47

a hundred percent of the time. Here's why.

53:49

It is easy to remember It

53:52

does not require a lot of thought.

53:55

There is minimal judgment, and

53:57

it ever so slightly expresses something

54:00

about somebody's personality. The answer

54:02

is also generally very short. Now

54:04

some people don't eat breakfast and they can say why

54:06

they'd only eat breakfast, that's fine. But

54:08

the breakfast icebreaker is good

54:10

at the beginning of a party when there's not

54:12

a lot of rapport built up, and

54:14

you can just share, for example, mine would

54:17

be. I like scrambled eggs. My secret

54:19

ingredient is coconut oil.

54:21

It really fluffens them up. Sometimes I'll add spinach

54:23

to them. Now, note that what I

54:26

said was, what is one of your favorite

54:28

breakfast? I didn't say, what is your

54:30

absolute favorite thing to eat? I

54:32

just wanna know what's one of your go

54:34

to's. Similarly, if you were

54:36

to ask as an icebreaker later on,

54:39

what is your favorite book? That's not a good

54:41

example. That's definitive. It's subjective.

54:44

And it really will elicit judgment. People

54:46

wanna know, oh, what's the best book

54:48

I wanna sound smart? What's my absolute

54:50

favorite? People freeze up.

54:53

The way to modify that would be to say what

54:55

is one of your favorite books? What

54:57

is a book you have read recently? Allow

55:00

them to pick so they don't feel like they're going to

55:02

be judged on their favorite.

55:04

Gotcha. So the icebreakers I mean, what are the

55:06

purpose? Like, why do you do these in the first place? Why not

55:08

just let people just start getting together and

55:10

talking? Like, why why facilitate this?

55:13

Yeah. I'm sorry. I jumped in too much to the

55:15

logistics.

55:15

So let's talk about the why. You gotta tell

55:17

people why you're doing the icebreakers, and

55:19

the purpose is that it's conversational crutch.

55:22

It's an excuse to go up and talk to

55:24

somebody new, but more importantly, it's

55:26

a survey of the room. I

55:28

got tired of going to these events in New

55:30

York, twenty people in the room,

55:32

I don't know who I need to talk to to help

55:34

my business. If I'm trying to network, you

55:37

want people to say little about themselves.

55:40

Are you a parent? You probably wanna talk

55:42

to other parents. You have a unique life

55:44

situation. Are you working on a

55:46

startup? Are you hiring? You probably

55:48

wanna talk to other people that relate

55:50

to that. And icebreaker serves

55:52

as a little roll call around

55:54

the room to know who's there

55:56

and to inspire some new connections and

55:58

conversations. It also has

56:01

a secret purpose. When you break

56:03

the room for an icebreaker, you bring

56:05

an end to existing conversations.

56:07

Have you ever been at a party and you get

56:09

trapped in conversation after five minutes

56:12

or kind of done talking to this

56:14

person, but you're just not ready

56:16

to say, okay, well, thank you very much.

56:18

I think I'm ready.

56:19

Yeah. You'll

56:19

meet some other people.

56:20

No, happened to me once. I went to an event and

56:22

I got stuck talking to this person for

56:25

the entire thing. And I didn't

56:26

wasn't able to and III should have been more

56:28

serve. He's like, I I wanna go talk to other people,

56:30

but they just kept talking and talking

56:32

and talking and by that

56:34

point, I that was the only person I talked to. Dude,

56:36

that happens to all of us. That happens to

56:39

me even. And I was hosting an

56:41

event here in New York City and I had to train a bunch

56:43

of facilitators And

56:45

they said, how do I leave the conversation?

56:48

After I do the icebreaker, what do I leave?

56:50

And I said, well, I just say something like this, hey,

56:52

thank you so much. It was really nice to meet you.

56:55

I'm gonna go mix around the room and mingle

56:57

with some other

56:57

people. And this guy followed up with me

57:00

the next day. He said, I never knew that

57:02

you could say that. I thought that you

57:04

just wait till the conversation dies

57:06

and the other person leaves or something. I

57:09

never knew that you could end a conversation

57:11

like

57:11

that. That little thing. Nobody

57:14

really teaches us this stuff. But the icebreakers

57:16

as the host, this you're kind of helping people

57:18

with that in the conversation they might be in. So you're doing

57:21

these, like, every every thirty minutes

57:23

or so. Is that right? Roughly every twenty

57:25

five minutes or so, you're gonna do two and

57:27

a half icebreakers. So that first one I called

57:29

the half one That's at about let's

57:31

say your party starts at seven, that's at

57:33

seven ten or so. About

57:36

twenty minutes later at seven thirty,

57:38

you're gonna do the full the the first

57:40

big icebreaker with everybody. That'll

57:42

take five or seven minutes. About

57:45

thirty five or forty minutes later, you'll do

57:47

your last icebreaker the night. And that's

57:50

that that one, by the way, is your value additive

57:52

icebreaker. Should I talk about that

57:54

one? Sure. Yeah. How that is And again, I

57:56

think when you're doing these, you're having people

57:58

sand in a circle and you're just going around. Alright. Show

58:00

your name and then answer the question about your favorite

58:03

breakfast

58:03

fruit. That's kind of what it

58:04

looks like. And you want them to be fast. don't wanna let

58:06

people talk forever and ever. It's just like, you gotta

58:08

be done in thirty seconds. You maybe even set that time

58:10

limit for people.

58:11

Dude. I'm so glad you mentioned this because

58:13

you need a sense of urgency when you're

58:16

running these. A good icebreaker is

58:18

a fast icebreaker. And you

58:20

need to be looking at everybody thinking,

58:22

oh, thank you, John. Let's go to Gina

58:23

next. You need to be directing

58:25

Keep the pace going. Yeah. Keep the

58:27

pace going. And yes, you have to have

58:29

everybody stand up and get them in a circle.

58:31

Hey, everybody. Let's all stand up in a circle

58:34

real quick. I promise this won't be awkward.

58:36

We're gonna do this icebreaker to give you an excuse

58:38

to meet somebody new. I found it so

58:40

great to meet new people. And

58:42

doing this party, that's the reason why I brought

58:44

you all together. Bear with me. Let's go

58:46

around the circle. Say your name. What you do for work?

58:48

If you don't wanna talk about

58:50

work, then you can say how you spend your

58:52

days or something -- Mhmm. -- a hobby that you

58:54

have. And

58:54

that and also that's what the harmonic is for.

58:56

Right? That that's the to get their attention. Right? You mentioned

58:59

the harmonica. I know. mentioned

59:01

harmonic it and I hesitate to bring

59:03

it up because I don't want somebody to totally

59:06

blow me off. But I have found

59:08

that at a large event with fifteen,

59:10

seventeen people in my apartment, I

59:13

was always yelling above the crowd.

59:15

I'd turn the music down I'm clanking

59:17

a glass. I'm yelling. Hey, everybody.

59:20

Hey, quiet, quiet, quiet, and

59:22

I tried all these different things to get people

59:24

to be quiet. And don't know how to play the

59:26

harmonica. I'm I don't have a musical

59:29

hair on my body, but I I somehow

59:31

had a harmonica and I just blow a little

59:34

tone in harmonica like a whistle

59:36

but much softer. And

59:38

that noise which is little calming

59:41

helps people to quiet down and to be

59:43

like, what is this? It's also playful and

59:45

it's silly. I am not gonna

59:47

talk anymore about Monica for sure you're

59:49

of totally losing

59:51

people.

59:51

No. But I have I will swear by it.

59:53

It's in my book. I have videos on my website on

59:55

how to do it. It works. You gotta do

59:57

it. You

59:57

mentioned the value add for that last icebreaker.

59:59

What what are you doing there for the value add?

1:00:02

So the value add icebreaker, let me

1:00:04

give the three questions. I guess I'll start

1:00:06

though and say the why. You want

1:00:08

your last icebreaker for people to

1:00:10

get smarter. You want them to get ideas

1:00:13

or suggestions of things in town or

1:00:15

stuff they wanna do so that they

1:00:17

leave your party feeling smarter.

1:00:20

K? I don't wanna know somebody's

1:00:22

worst job they ever had that's not value add.

1:00:25

A value add icebreaker for

1:00:27

me is one of these three. Number one,

1:00:30

what is the best piece of media

1:00:32

or one of best pieces of media that you've

1:00:34

consumed recently. That could be a

1:00:36

podcast like The Art of Manliness, that could

1:00:38

be a book that you read, it could

1:00:40

be a movie you watch that show

1:00:42

you binged on Netflix, just

1:00:44

what's some good media that you've

1:00:46

consumed. K? That's

1:00:49

great. People love to get these recommendations, and

1:00:51

they're often trying to write them down, and they leave

1:00:53

with all these good ideas. That's number one.

1:00:55

Another one that you could use is

1:00:58

What is one of your favorite purchases

1:01:00

you've made over the last few months

1:01:03

for a hundred dollars or less? That

1:01:05

could be a kitchen gadget. It could be an object

1:01:07

or an experience. It could

1:01:09

be a massage. It could be a tour. It

1:01:12

could be a new, you know, blender thing you

1:01:14

got. But people love this one as well.

1:01:16

They love hearing these types of things. And

1:01:18

then the last one that I like is, what

1:01:20

is your favorite city or life

1:01:22

hack? For the town that we're in.

1:01:25

Say we're in Saint Louis. What's your favorite dog

1:01:27

park in Saint Louis local business you

1:01:29

like to support? What's your favorite

1:01:31

little thing about this town that we might not know

1:01:33

or that you're just passionate about? I

1:01:35

do these icebreakers, by the way, for this last

1:01:37

one, you're gonna wanna give people about

1:01:40

a five minute warning before you do

1:01:42

it. Hey, everybody. In five minutes, we're gonna do

1:01:44

the last icebreaker of the night. The

1:01:46

question will be you tell them

1:01:48

the question and say, grab another refill. Use

1:01:50

the restroom if you need to freshen up. We'll do that

1:01:52

last icebreaker in five minutes.

1:01:54

By the way, that's yet another chance

1:01:57

for people to end their conversations. I'm

1:02:00

constantly at the party looking to mix

1:02:02

the room up. I wanna see

1:02:05

movement in my parties. Okay.

1:02:08

So let's talk. You've done the icebreaker. The

1:02:10

party in time is coming near.

1:02:12

How do you end a party? And

1:02:14

why is it important that you end right on time? And

1:02:16

like, what do you do with this people who they

1:02:18

can't get the

1:02:19

hint, they're sort of lingering around? Let's

1:02:21

start with why. Why do you end the party? Because like

1:02:23

we said, you wanna finish the party on a high note.

1:02:25

You wanna bring finality. You wanna be

1:02:27

the leader. Of your event, you don't want

1:02:29

it naturally just to fizzle out. You wanna

1:02:32

sort of end it with authority and

1:02:34

finish it up on a high note. How

1:02:36

do you do that? Number one, by setting the expectations.

1:02:39

In the invitations and the RSVP, you'll

1:02:41

be listing a start time and

1:02:43

the end time. When people know that there's

1:02:45

the end time they know, they have an idea.

1:02:47

You wouldn't surprise people to say, hey,

1:02:50

show up to my party at seven, and then suddenly

1:02:52

you say that it's ending. They'll know when

1:02:54

you list the start time and the end time. Now how

1:02:56

do you end the party? Fifteen

1:02:58

minutes before the party is scheduled to

1:03:00

finish, I'll make a little announcement.

1:03:03

I'll turn down the music. I'll say, hey, everybody.

1:03:06

Party's scheduled to end about fifteen minutes.

1:03:08

I guess this is last call, so make a last

1:03:10

drink. Grab some snacks if you want, say,

1:03:12

hey, does somebody new or start to wrap up your conversations,

1:03:15

we'll wind down in about fifteen minutes.

1:03:18

Then we'll, you know, turn the music back up.

1:03:20

When the party scheduled to end, I'll turn the music

1:03:22

down, I'll turn the lights up, and I'll make announcement.

1:03:25

Thank you guys so much for coming. The reason

1:03:27

that I hosted this party was to bring

1:03:29

people together. I've met so many interesting people.

1:03:32

It's hard to stand touch. I hope you got a chance to

1:03:34

meet somebody new. Thank you, everybody,

1:03:36

and I'll see you next time. Then I

1:03:38

kinda just start to clean up and start

1:03:40

to tidy and people get the hint and start

1:03:42

to make their way out. Now what you need to

1:03:44

be aware of is sometimes someone will be

1:03:46

there who hasn't had chance to talk to

1:03:49

you, they haven't seen you in years, and they'll

1:03:51

say something Brett, oh my god, I

1:03:53

I didn't get to talk to you all night. Let's

1:03:55

do let's catch up. Let's sit down. And

1:03:58

what I will say to them because I'm

1:04:00

kinda strict on my stuff. I'll say, dude,

1:04:02

I I am so glad you came to it. I would

1:04:04

love to catch up. I haven't seen you in forever.

1:04:07

I wanna stick to my goals with this and I need

1:04:09

to wrap up tonight. Can I call you tomorrow?

1:04:12

Because I wanna stay in touch and I wanna see what's

1:04:14

up and what's new with you? May I call you tomorrow?

1:04:17

That will get the person to feel seen.

1:04:19

And they will not feel like you're being dismissive

1:04:22

of them. One final

1:04:24

thing you can do is if people are really having

1:04:26

a great time you can plan ahead with

1:04:29

a venue that they can go to next.

1:04:31

You can give them a name of a local restaurant or

1:04:33

a bar or something if you live in a town where those

1:04:35

things are nearby. Hey, everybody. Thank you

1:04:37

so much for coming tonight. Folks are gonna

1:04:40

keep going next door at beat Nick.

1:04:42

So if you want, meet us down at the

1:04:44

bar there. I'm gonna start to wrap up here

1:04:47

because I got my goals to finish on time.

1:04:49

But if you wanna keep chatting, I encourage you

1:04:51

to go down to beat Nick and you can have

1:04:53

a drink or a slice of pizza down

1:04:55

there. That's generally how you wrap

1:04:57

up the party. So you've you've successfully

1:04:59

had your first party. Any follow-up you do after

1:05:01

the party is over, like the next day or the next few

1:05:03

days? I send simple thank you the next

1:05:05

morning, where I include the group photo,

1:05:08

again, just keeping it sort of top

1:05:10

of mind if people wanna follow-up or if they forget

1:05:12

anything. I would note that if you're

1:05:14

using these parties to try to build relationships,

1:05:17

you really only have about sixteen

1:05:20

hours after your party ends to

1:05:22

try to create and deepen that next

1:05:24

connection. So if I'm trying to

1:05:26

connect with somebody, I will invite them

1:05:28

to my party. And that day

1:05:30

at the party itself, I'll say, hey, I'd love to

1:05:32

get to know you better. Can we schedule a coffee

1:05:34

for sometime later this week or next week?

1:05:37

Or the next morning.

1:05:39

John, thank you for coming last night. I'd love

1:05:41

to chat more. Can I call you later today

1:05:43

or

1:05:43

tomorrow? That is the time when you would

1:05:45

make that ass. Alright.

1:05:46

Within sixteen hours. If you wait too long, gets

1:05:48

cold, it gets stale. Yeah.

1:05:51

That's not seventeen hours. I just say,

1:05:54

the half life of what

1:05:56

somebody owes you kind of after a party

1:05:59

life goes on. And if you expect to follow-up

1:06:01

with somebody one week after your party,

1:06:03

and them to be ultra responsive

1:06:06

to your invitation. I haven't found that.

1:06:08

I found that the next morning is a good time

1:06:10

for me to follow-up. Next afternoon is

1:06:12

fine. But if I wait you know, two days

1:06:14

afterwards, life goes

1:06:15

on. You know? Folks are busy. They have work, family,

1:06:18

friends. And I I imagine the next thing

1:06:20

too besides that follow-up is start playing 2Hour next

1:06:22

party. If

1:06:24

possible, if you are excited

1:06:26

and many people are, keep

1:06:29

the momentum going and pick your next

1:06:31

party date even if it's to eight weeks

1:06:33

out, get that date on your

1:06:35

calendar. Why? Because now

1:06:37

you'll have it when you meet somebody interesting. You're

1:06:39

like, hey, I'm almost in a cocktail party in six

1:06:42

weeks. Once I get everything together,

1:06:44

can I send you the info? And this

1:06:46

is the thing. You go through life and you just start

1:06:48

collecting interesting people that you get to

1:06:50

bring into your world. Well, Nick,

1:06:52

this has been a great conversation. Where can people go

1:06:55

to learn more about the book in your work? The

1:06:57

name of my book is the two hour cocktail

1:06:59

party at available wherever books are sold

1:07:01

online. I recorded the audio

1:07:04

book. I'm very proud of it. And then I have a

1:07:06

ton of resources on this website.

1:07:08

I'll try to include notes in the show notes

1:07:10

I'm very big on social media. I love posting

1:07:12

stories and funny videos, so you can check

1:07:14

me out. I'm at nick grey

1:07:17

news, NICKGRAY,

1:07:20

news and EWS. And I have

1:07:22

a really cool friend's newsletter. Oh, and if you

1:07:24

wanna download a executive summary

1:07:27

of my book, a checklist of seventeen

1:07:29

things you can do before your next

1:07:31

party sign up from a

1:07:32

newsletter, nick gray dot

1:07:34

net, and you'll get that PDF

1:07:36

download right away.

1:07:37

Fantastic. Well, Nick Gray, thanks for your time. It's been a pleasure.

1:07:39

Thanks. More parties. Let's do it.

1:07:42

My guest here is Nick Gray. He's the

1:07:44

author of the book, the two hour cocktail parties, available

1:07:46

on amazon dot com. You can find more information about

1:07:48

his work at his website, nick gray dot net.

1:07:50

Also, check out our show notes at A0M dot is slash

1:07:52

party where you can find links to resources, redelff

1:07:55

deeper into this topic.

1:08:03

Well, that wraps up another edition of the AUM

1:08:05

podcast. Make sure to check out our website at arcticvalence

1:08:07

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1:08:09

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1:08:44

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1:08:46

you to silent listening on podcast, but put

1:08:48

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