Episode Transcript
Transcripts are displayed as originally observed. Some content, including advertisements may have changed.
Use Ctrl + F to search
0:00
This podcast is brought to you
0:02
by aura. Imagine waking up to
0:04
find your bank account drained, bills
0:06
for loans you never took out,
0:08
a warrant for your arrest, all
0:10
because someone committed a crime in
0:12
your name. It sounds like a
0:14
nightmare, but for millions of people
0:17
each year, it's reality. And here's
0:19
the scariest part. By the time
0:21
companies tell you your data was
0:23
stolen, it's already been nearly a
0:25
year. Two hundred and seventy seven
0:27
days. That's how long on average hackers
0:30
have to use your social security
0:32
number, open accounts, take out loans,
0:34
and destroy your credit. Before you
0:37
even know, you've been exposed. By
0:39
the time you get that breach
0:42
notification email, the damage is
0:44
done. Your identity stolen. Your
0:46
financial future at risk and
0:48
the company that lost your
0:50
data, they'll just apologize and
0:53
move on. Hackers aren't waiting.
0:55
Why are you? This can all sound really scary,
0:57
which is why I'm so glad we're
0:59
partnering with aura. Hackers don't wait, so
1:01
why should you? aura monitors the dark
1:03
web 24-7 for your phone number,
1:06
email, and social security number, because
1:08
the moment they show up for
1:10
sale, criminals are ready to use
1:12
them. If aura detects your info,
1:14
you'll get an instant alert, so
1:16
you can act before the damage
1:18
is done. What if your identity
1:20
is already stolen? Criminals
1:22
can take out loans, max out
1:24
credit cards, and banish. That's why
1:26
ORA provides up to $5 million
1:28
in identity theft insurance and a
1:30
US-based fraud resolution team that works
1:32
around the clock to shut down
1:35
fraud fast and get your life
1:37
back on track. Your personal data
1:39
is a goldmine for hackers and ORA
1:41
helps lock it down. With a VPN for
1:43
private browsing, data broker opt out
1:46
to stop companies from selling your
1:48
info. and a password manager to
1:50
help secure your accounts, ORA gives
1:52
you the tools to fight back.
1:55
For a limited time, ORA is
1:57
offering our listeners a 14-day trial
1:59
plus a... of your data to
2:01
see if your personal information has
2:04
been leaked online. All for
2:06
free when you visit aura.com/
2:08
defense. That's aura.com/defense to
2:10
sign up for a 14-day
2:13
free trial and start protecting
2:15
you and your loved ones.
2:18
That's a-u-r-a.com/defense. Certain terms apply
2:20
so be sure to check
2:23
the site for details. Nordstrom
2:25
brings you the season's most wanted
2:28
brands. Skims, mango, free people,
2:30
and Princess Polly, all under
2:32
$100. From trending sneakers to
2:34
beauty must-haves, we've curated the
2:37
styles you'll wear on repeat
2:39
this spring. Free shipping, free
2:41
returns, and in-store pickup make
2:43
it easier than ever. Shop
2:45
now in stores and at
2:48
nordstrom.com. McDonald's
2:51
meets the Minecraft universe
2:54
with one of six
2:57
collectibles and your choice
2:59
of a Big Mac
3:02
or ten-piece McNuggets with
3:05
spicy netherflame sauce. Now
3:07
available with a Minecraft
3:09
movie meal. I participate
3:12
in McDonald's for
3:14
a limited time, a
3:17
Minecraft movie, only in
3:19
theaters. I
3:22
don't know if it's in a
3:24
nightclub environment if gunshot sounds are
3:26
okay. It's the cocking and the
3:29
cocking of a shotgun and the
3:31
shooting sound is also sampled in
3:33
one of my favorite Russian songs.
3:35
But I believe Russians have a
3:37
different relationship to gun violence in
3:39
Americans. That would be my conjecture. Right. Have
3:42
you ever fired a handgun? No. No.
3:44
But I was still want a gun.
3:46
I do. I want several. And I
3:48
was talking about it with... a friend
3:50
who knows a lot about guns. And
3:52
yeah, there's like, the kickback can
3:54
be extremely painful. And it's
3:57
not like you've seen the movies.
3:59
Scary. Not like you seen the
4:01
movies. I guess one of the I
4:03
get one of the scenes I watched
4:06
I watched this 10 minute long fight
4:08
scene with Charlotte Shirley Tharing an atomic
4:10
blonde apparently in one take
4:12
this fight scene is breathtaking. It's so
4:14
brutal and it's so realistic and this
4:17
bitch is a beast. What movie was
4:19
it atomic blonde? This this bitch is
4:21
a beast. Yeah. She is so good
4:23
in and in and in as the
4:26
fight scene goes on and on and
4:28
on and she's She doesn't like wall
4:30
up every bad guy, like they're nothing.
4:33
So it's realistic. Like these are thugs
4:35
henchmen who are really good at beating
4:37
the shit out of people. So she
4:39
gets her ass beat down. And as
4:41
the fight goes on, it's slowing down
4:44
and people get slowing down and people
4:46
get sloppy because they're tired and it's
4:48
slowing down and people get sloppy
4:50
because they're tired and they're tired
4:52
and people get sloppy. She's incredible.
4:55
She's incredible. She's incredible. It was
4:57
private, private event. She is so
4:59
kind. She's so fierce. And she
5:01
did not have to get all
5:04
ugly to do that movie to get
5:06
that Oscar. She does not have an
5:08
Oscar for Monster because she's ugly.
5:10
She was amazing in that movie.
5:12
The scene. where she's on the
5:15
phone and she tells that sheriff
5:17
you get out of here. No,
5:19
Selby's like, girl, where are you?
5:21
Like, won't you admit that what
5:23
you did? Because the phone is
5:25
tapped, and she realizes, it's much
5:27
like that scene in Breaking Bad,
5:29
where Walter White takes the fall,
5:31
and is like, well, he knows he's
5:33
got to pump it up. You got to
5:36
pump it up. Don't you know? I was watching
5:38
the, um. the golden globe clip of those two
5:40
women talking about the balance, ha ha ha, we're
5:42
all... Did you think that was cringe? You think
5:44
that was fun? Of course. I mean, I think
5:47
it was cringe. I think it was cringe. And
5:49
also that hot girl thing that only hot girls
5:51
can do when she looks at the camera and
5:53
goes, I think people over... Like she just queeped,
5:55
she's like, I think they're over the lip bite,
5:58
which I'm not personally yet, but she goes, It's
6:00
like, it's so, I mean, I
6:02
find it to be extremely sensual
6:04
and sexy. Well, yeah, she's so
6:06
young, I think, I mean, I'm
6:08
gonna be gross, the older male
6:11
viewer, that, that, sort of like,
6:13
what is that, a cock? Like,
6:15
oh, it's a cock, like, oh,
6:17
you know, it's a sex thing.
6:19
Yeah, oh my god, there's three
6:21
cocks, my ass right now. But
6:23
if I looked like her, my
6:25
lip would be bit off. You
6:27
got it. If drinking was the
6:30
substance, I would have had that
6:32
dead finger by now. Hello, you
6:34
had that club foot. What's your
6:36
favorite balled ass? Era of her.
6:38
I love the dead finger. I
6:40
love the kid-toothed version. I love
6:42
the bald. I love the bald.
6:44
I love the bald. I love
6:47
monster Eliza's too. Because she's there
6:49
to, she's there to, she loves,
6:51
she loves me. I love the
6:53
one before that, which she's bald.
6:55
Yeah, she got the big old
6:57
nasty foot. That's that is definitely
6:59
us. That is definitely us. We're
7:01
also in halfway in the witches
7:04
No, actually we're just the one
7:06
of the the witches in the
7:08
crowd at the original witches movie
7:10
Yeah, may remove yes whenever I
7:12
have one of those Short like
7:14
bob wigs and ever I put
7:16
it on I feel like her.
7:18
Well, talking about short wigs, Miss
7:21
Catherine Hunter in the front room,
7:23
I don't know if anybody's into
7:25
really bad horrible shit-ass movies, but
7:27
I needed a palate cleanser from
7:29
Miss Amelia Perez, so I put
7:31
on the front room. Holy shit.
7:33
I don't, I thought there was
7:35
a limit to how, I thought
7:37
I, I thought I've reached. the
7:40
nadir of bad movie watching when
7:42
I watch Amelia Perez. This front
7:44
room movie? The front room? It's
7:46
called the front room. Miss Brandy,
7:48
Norwood, singer brandy. Love brandy. Love
7:50
brandy. Hi brandy. Hi brandy. You
7:52
are terrible in this movie. Brandy.
7:54
Love your music. Love your voice.
7:57
Love your face. Everything gorgeous. Not
7:59
good acting. Catherine Hunter. Like celebrated
8:01
stage actress. She played all three
8:03
witches in the Joel and Ethan
8:05
Cohen Macbeth movie. Incredible. Incredible. She
8:07
is off the chain. Good? Well,
8:09
no, it is, she plays this
8:11
racist stepmom that goes and lives
8:14
like an infirm old bitch who
8:16
goes and lives with this couple
8:18
and she's, Belinda's pregnant, Belinda. She
8:20
says, oh, Belinda. Bolander! And she
8:22
has this tantrum at dinner. She
8:24
has to, I'm a racist baby,
8:26
Bolander, Bolander. And then she falls
8:28
on the floor, puts her booty
8:31
up and then farts. Shitting the
8:33
bed, pissing the couch, doing all
8:35
sorts of crazy, based, just undignified
8:37
shit. Bolander! Bolander! She's like, my
8:39
name is Bolinda! Oh, Bolander! You
8:41
watch a lot of movies. You
8:43
watch a lot of movies. Well,
8:45
I got that soundbar and that
8:48
little Oled, my little Oled. When
8:50
you watch TV, do you like
8:52
face it? Do you like to
8:54
lay kind of on the side
8:56
so you're watching like this? Do
8:58
you like to sit up? What
9:00
do you do? Well, it depends
9:02
on what I'm watching. So I'm
9:04
watching. Well, it depends on what
9:07
I'm watching. Well, it depends on
9:09
the mirror by Andre Tarakovsky. But
9:11
it's one of the most beautiful
9:13
movies ever made. Do you cry?
9:15
The movies? I cried at this
9:17
movie, but I don't know why.
9:19
It's very, it's very, oh, I
9:21
cry at a fucking Toyota Thon.
9:24
I mean, I cry, but I
9:26
like, you know. For Christmas, I
9:28
watched some very sentimental films. I
9:30
watched, I watched, I watched, I
9:32
watched, I watched, I watched Fried
9:34
Green Tomatoes. I cried, okay. Kathy
9:36
Bates in that is so I'm
9:38
older and I have more insurance
9:41
that's fun yeah but there's the
9:43
part where she's crying and she
9:45
goes I'm too young to be
9:47
old, but I'm too old to
9:49
be young. Terrible. I was like,
9:51
preach bitch, you better preach it
9:53
out. Kathy Bates, but does Kathy
9:55
Goon? That was somebody on the
9:58
internet that are they? Oh, I
10:00
saw that. That was Tyler Oakley.
10:02
That was Tyler Oakley. Someone on
10:04
the internet. Someone on the internet.
10:06
What is the movie, like, if
10:08
you had a cry. You're Tyler
10:10
Broley, that's why you're in collections,
10:12
bitch. It's true. And then I
10:14
watched the color purple. which I
10:17
was familiar with the soundtrack from
10:19
the musical, but I actually hadn't
10:21
seen. Is this the original? Yeah,
10:23
the musical, like the stage musical.
10:25
But I hadn't seen the original
10:27
real, like, not real, but original
10:29
one. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot,
10:31
it's tough. It's obviously very heavy
10:34
material and it does have some
10:36
very uplifting parts and some parts
10:38
of it. There's parts of that
10:40
movie that you do laugh at
10:42
because there are comedic elements, there's
10:44
whatever. Oh, she pisses her pants,
10:46
miss Oprah. Yes, or like when,
10:48
there's this scene, there's this scene
10:51
where Whoopi Goldberg, you know, she's
10:53
like very shy. And her friend
10:55
who's this nightclub singer is singing
10:57
a song she wrote for her
10:59
and sings to her. and have
11:01
the whole room look at this
11:03
girl while she gets like a
11:05
song dedicated to her and whoopie
11:08
plays it so beautiful she like
11:10
shrinks and like is in awe
11:12
but also embarrassed I was like
11:14
and then at the end obviously
11:16
when they're little girls they do
11:18
you know this like petty cake
11:20
yes petty cake thing and as
11:22
adults when they haven't seen each
11:24
other in decades that's like the
11:27
first thing they do when they
11:29
see each other I would think
11:31
it was the morning after Christmas
11:33
I was watching it like I
11:35
was crying like Sarah fucking Paulson.
11:37
Yeah. It was such a beautiful
11:39
movie. Not exactly a holiday film.
11:41
Everything's a Christmas movie. But sentimental
11:44
shit. If it's remotely happy or
11:46
remotely sad a movie, I'm crying.
11:48
Oh yeah. I'm crying. Oh yeah.
11:50
I can't help it. Niagara Falls.
11:52
Balinder. Do you know what my
11:54
promise to? You know when people
11:56
have told me, I don't like
11:58
to watch those type of... Scary
12:01
or Gore movies because it's just
12:03
too much for me now. I think
12:05
I'm that person now I don't want
12:07
to watch saw I don't want to
12:09
watch the chainsaw up the pussy. I
12:12
don't want to watch it. Yeah, I
12:14
just well funny thing I just got
12:16
two I got a Blu-ray and a
12:19
DVD of the Terrifier part
12:21
three sent to me I
12:23
don't have a DVD player but
12:25
they sent it to you here to
12:27
dream. Yeah, yeah two Blu- I don't
12:29
either, I put it at my PlayStation.
12:31
I don't have that. You know, I would
12:34
play the good games. What am I going
12:36
to put it on my butt? Blender.
12:38
I've been playing Silent Hill 2, which
12:40
is so scary and I have the
12:42
sound bar. So Mary, I'm in my house
12:44
bloodshot terrified. She said, why don't you
12:46
call me after you plug the sound
12:48
bar and hear me? I go, girl.
12:51
My eyes are snatched, fucking open. Joanna
12:53
Barbara Leslie got you good with the
12:55
audio. Oh, it's I was like in
12:57
a cave in the walls were the
12:59
walls were like water trickling those little
13:01
speakers in the corner. Oh, yeah. If
13:04
I had even leak one milligram of
13:06
marijuana, it's a wrap. It would be a wrap.
13:08
I don't think I can handle that JBO. Is
13:10
that when? Is the building coming down? We
13:12
better go home. We gotta go home. Too
13:14
windy. Well, that's a girl. The whole month
13:17
is awash. It's the whole month as a
13:19
wash. It was a wash. It's the whole
13:21
month as a wash. It's the whole month
13:23
as a wash. Girl. Martin Luther King Jr.
13:25
You ever seen Coming to America, the original?
13:28
Of course. The remake was boo-boo. And
13:30
you know what? Also, I got to say,
13:32
and I hope I don't offend anybody, and
13:34
we saw together, and I have
13:37
to retroactively amend my opinion
13:39
about beetle juice, beetle juice.
13:41
I thought it sucks. Okay. I really do
13:43
think it sucks. I think the only
13:45
thing great about it was Catherine O'Hara
13:47
who chewed up every scene she was
13:49
in. But it was such a
13:51
weak story. And I was re-watching
13:53
that cunty scene where like Monica
13:55
Belucci staples herself together and I
13:58
haven't said to a beigee song. Elphman
14:00
produced one of the most iconic
14:02
scores in soundtracks of all film
14:04
history for that original. They're gonna
14:06
do this conti number to a
14:08
beagie song, you know what I
14:11
mean? I just have a lot
14:13
of umbrage I take with that
14:15
movie. You know, the only thing
14:17
I like about it, about it,
14:19
about it, and I love disco,
14:21
obviously, and I love disco, obviously,
14:23
and I love disco, and I
14:25
love MacArthur Park. Yeah. I didn't
14:27
get down with the MacArthur park.
14:29
brilliant that first movie. Amazing. It's,
14:31
there's so many layers to it.
14:33
There's some, like the Country Mouse,
14:35
City Mouse layer, the like, Dilatant
14:37
artist, like, Sinati Art World, the
14:39
dead, the living. There's like so
14:41
many different cool, like, thematic dichotomies
14:43
going on. It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
14:46
Why is, why wasn't the uncle
14:48
in it, is he dead? Oh
14:50
mama, because he's a fucking a
14:52
Peto! Oh he is. Yeah, and
14:54
also the way that they treat
14:56
him is deaf. The president's a
14:58
sex offender, it's all out the
15:00
window. Yeah, they got to pump
15:02
it up. But it's like, but
15:04
how they dealt with that was
15:06
so, like, was so bad because
15:08
they gave him actually more screen
15:10
time because they didn't just ignore
15:12
him. They killed him off and
15:14
then they had a different character
15:16
play him with no head. And
15:19
then they had all this like,
15:21
they mentioned him so many damn
15:23
times, you're like, well, where is
15:25
he? And then you go Google
15:27
him and they're like, oh, he's
15:29
a pito. So like, what the
15:31
fuck? Oh, good point. I wouldn't
15:33
even have. I mean, listen, I
15:35
didn't know. I mean, you just
15:37
told me I'd, but don't you,
15:39
didn't they like, I assumed the
15:41
actor was dead? I assumed they
15:43
just put in new people and
15:45
stuff and I. the new whenever
15:47
there's a new person now with
15:49
the internet like when we just
15:51
had a different Becky and Roseanne
15:54
back in the day in the
15:56
90s we just accepted it and
15:58
we couldn't internet it like yeah
16:00
like and Viv they had two
16:02
different yeah we didn't know we
16:04
just went with it yeah and
16:06
now when someone's missing or recast
16:08
The first thing I do is
16:10
Google to that. This week's Bald
16:12
and The Beautiful is brought to
16:14
you by our friends at Noom.
16:16
Noom, baby. I live in Los
16:18
Angeles, so okay, when people started
16:20
doing GLP1s and, you know, using
16:22
that to assist their weight loss,
16:24
it was everyone around me. Some
16:27
people were telling me about it,
16:29
some people weren't, and now it's
16:31
like pretty out in the open
16:33
and everybody talks about it, and
16:35
that's very helpful, because it helps
16:37
more people know exactly what it
16:39
is and what's going on. So,
16:41
Noom, leaders in behavior change weight
16:43
loss, now offers new GLP1, a
16:45
compound sum of glutide, to ship
16:47
your door in seven days. Noom
16:49
combines the proven weight loss program
16:51
with G.L.P.1 so you can lose
16:53
weight and keep it off. And
16:55
Noom is more than just meds.
16:57
I mean you can have it
16:59
shipped to your door in seven
17:02
days and Noom pairs G.L.P.1 meds
17:04
with proven weight loss programs that
17:06
has helped millions of people lose
17:08
weight. Noom. G. G.L.P. One comes
17:10
with companion, your guide to better
17:12
and more sustainable G. And more
17:14
sustainable, lifestyle. It's about maintaining weight
17:16
loss. You get access with NoomGOP1
17:18
to a doctor, a coach, and
17:20
a supportive community all from an
17:22
app on your phone. NoomGOP1 starts
17:24
at $149 and is delivered to
17:26
your door in seven days. Start
17:28
your GOP1 journey today at noom.com.
17:30
That's noom.com. Noom, the smart way
17:32
to lose weight. Not all customers
17:35
will medically qualify for prescription medications.
17:37
Compounded medications are not reviewed by
17:39
the FDA for safety, efficacyacy or
17:41
quality. Today's episode of Ball in
17:43
the Beautiful is sponsored by Racketon.
17:45
You guys, you have to know
17:47
something about me. All of a
17:49
sudden I get an urge to
17:51
buy things and I will a
17:53
few times a year get completely
17:55
wild. I'll buy like all my
17:57
holiday gifts and advance. I'll buy
17:59
birthday presents. I'll just get... wild
18:01
with the things I buy and
18:03
I love deals. I will sign
18:05
up for a rewards program. I
18:07
will sign up for a credit
18:10
card. I love to get a
18:12
percent off because in my eyes
18:14
I mean these are offered to
18:16
us as consumers. Let's take advantage
18:18
of it. Racketon is the smartest
18:20
way to save money when you
18:22
shop because you earn cash back
18:24
at over 3,500 stores. We're talking
18:26
fashion, beauty, electronics, home essentials, travel,
18:28
dining, even concert tickets, all kinds
18:30
of stuff. Like, for example, I,
18:32
even though I have a sickening
18:34
supply of Anasbebebebeb foothills, there's some
18:36
things I just want to gift
18:38
for other people, too. And
18:41
then Rackerton passes on part of that
18:43
payment to its members as cash back
18:46
and it's directly deposited into your PayPal
18:48
account as cash back. Or Rackerton can
18:50
send you a check. You can even
18:52
maximize your savings by stacking cash back
18:55
on top of other deals like store
18:57
sales and coupons. You already shop for
18:59
stuff. So while you're doing it, why
19:01
wouldn't she just save a little bit
19:04
of money? It's a no-brainer, okay? Membership
19:06
is free and easy to sign up.
19:08
Get the Records and have now and
19:11
join the 17 million members who are
19:13
already saving. Cashback rates change daily. See
19:15
record to.com for details. That's our AKUTEN.
19:17
Your cashback really adds up. Girl, what
19:20
about the people we all would have
19:22
missed Tik Talk. Mama, the eulogies, the,
19:24
the, the eulogies, the, this is a
19:26
video I never thought I'd have to
19:29
make, the, the, the, eulogizing, and to
19:31
look out, because here I come. I'm
19:33
not going to be able to do
19:36
wiggle videos anymore, like, girl. Like, please,
19:38
if you care anything about me or
19:40
my well-being, you got to watch me
19:42
on Instagram. Like, it was so wild,
19:45
and then Tik Talk was gone for
19:47
about 15 seconds for about 15 seconds.
19:49
being like who the fuck are all
19:51
of it? Get out of here like
19:54
you already stole TikTok. You know what
19:56
I mean? So wild. Listen, here's the
19:58
thing. I tried to really be empathetic
20:01
because the level of, um, the level
20:03
of, but girl, it was like, you
20:05
know what it felt, like people were
20:07
doing their final TikTok, like it was
20:09
the end of Ghost, when Demi and
20:11
Patrick are like for the last time
20:14
saying goodbye. I was like, girl, you
20:16
do guacamole videos. Like what do you
20:18
know? Everybody love, you take them with
20:20
you. Right. Yeah, as queer people, we
20:22
get to choose our family. It was
20:24
so crazy. I can't do my magic
20:26
tricks, my avocado. I can't slice my
20:29
avocado. Oh, but then I can't do
20:31
my outfit of the day. I can't
20:33
do my, my children wanted granola bars,
20:35
so I went to the field and
20:37
I harvested granola for 30 years. I've
20:39
been watching this fucking horror. And it's,
20:42
it went from sincere, like, I think,
20:44
this is my take on it, I
20:46
didn't really dig that deep. This is
20:48
a very, it's like a model type
20:50
of woman who's married to this model type
20:52
of man. She's in her kitchen
20:54
and she films sideways. So she
20:56
looks extremely skinny. Like why are
20:58
you standing sideways? Right. And
21:00
she is making fruity pebbles from
21:03
scratch for her little children's and
21:05
it takes about 1,300 hours and
21:07
it's just so over the top and
21:09
then the voice is so like, so my children
21:12
woke up and wanted fruity pebbles.
21:14
So I then embarked on this
21:16
Odyssey. that took about three
21:18
and a half years to
21:20
create fruity pebbles from scratch
21:22
on my own home. And
21:24
it's, I think it's now
21:26
has become self-aware that it's
21:28
a satire of itself in
21:30
a way. Of course. And
21:32
it's, of course, spawned a
21:34
lot of satirical parodies of it.
21:37
But I'm just like, cooking from
21:39
scratch isn't evil. No, no, no, no,
21:41
no. It's not evil. It's just, you
21:43
know. Like Vine died and we all
21:45
made it. We all made it. Also we
21:47
lived a long time without any social media. We
21:50
were all kind of okay. I just, well some
21:52
things I would have thought like when I want
21:54
to watch, there's a few tic-tocks I need
21:56
to watch all the time. One of them
21:58
is the Krispy Kreme Lady. Have you ever
22:00
had a Krispy Kreme? And was
22:02
it Krispy? Right, right. Like I
22:04
love that. I have to watch
22:06
Head v Empty every day. That's
22:08
on Instagram, though. Yeah, that's on.
22:10
Have you created a day? Have
22:12
you created? Paul, they always use
22:15
are so funny. And the Jeffrey
22:17
Star in the swing. It's just
22:19
like, it's just like, okay, fatty.
22:21
We both know why you're here,
22:23
James Charles. It's so, it's, I
22:25
feel so honored that they've included
22:27
that they've included me in those
22:29
included me in those combinations. Oh,
22:31
what the stigma, yes. I got
22:33
to watch this shit every fucking
22:35
day. Rupal in red, a slow
22:37
motion in the field. I got
22:39
to watch that. You got to
22:41
watch it. You got to watch
22:43
it. Have you braided it? And
22:45
then we got an email from,
22:47
we got an email from somebody,
22:49
maybe not our manager, maybe agent,
22:51
somebody. They were like, here's the
22:53
protocol for preparing for the end
22:55
of tick. This isn't, this is
22:57
going to be time consuming, so
22:59
you need to start. Now. I
23:01
know. I know. And then they
23:03
were like, but then I was
23:05
like, oh, shit, I do have
23:07
some drafts. I might as well
23:09
post them all quick so that
23:11
I can at least put them
23:13
on reals. It was literally earthquake
23:15
preparedness, like doomsday prep. Like, it
23:17
was that energy. People were more
23:19
concerned in LA about the TikTok,
23:21
and then the fires. Well, do
23:23
you know what I do? And
23:25
then I thought to myself, well,
23:27
what do I actually like about?
23:29
Ted Todd because I'm not like
23:31
Aaron Cooper, I'm not a doomscroller
23:33
of it. I never go into
23:35
it. But it's amazing for when
23:37
you're like. Oh, yeah. How do
23:39
you make pasta from scratch quick?
23:41
Miss YouTube's got you covered. But
23:43
they're long. YouTube is monetized to
23:45
make it long. So if you're
23:47
watching a video, short toe, short
23:49
toe. That's true. You got your
23:51
video, you got your short toe.
23:53
That's true. And then I thought,
23:55
well, well, my platform is YouTube.
23:57
I just don't think I would
23:59
do this in the arms of
24:01
the angel. I think you would.
24:03
I think you'd fire up. glimmer
24:05
glass and you'd be Tati Westbrook
24:07
and you would you would be
24:09
a it would be a three-hour
24:11
three-part mini series of I can't
24:13
believe this is a four in
24:15
the road. Do you remember that?
24:17
Do I remember that? I remember
24:19
where I was when that happened.
24:21
I remember where in the studio
24:23
I was sitting when that whole
24:25
thing unpelled and I watched a
24:27
45 mother fucking minute video of
24:29
it. Dick and cock. Sucking dick
24:31
and cock at my birthday party?
24:33
Crazy. It's so crazy. It's so
24:35
wild. Sugar bear hair vitamins, something
24:37
like that. Different times. Yeah. And
24:39
then, of course, the Nympho Wars
24:41
Odyssey that unfurled about it. I
24:43
love it because those horrors really
24:45
go in on it. You got
24:47
to listen to their commentary on
24:49
Emyarla Perez. It's wild and wonderful.
24:51
I don't know what I listened
24:53
to them really religiously for a
24:55
while and then I think I
24:57
haven't been listening. I haven't been
24:59
listening to any podcast though, to
25:01
be fair though. I mean, what
25:03
could you recommend as a... Isn't
25:05
that horrible? I listened to... I
25:07
listened to a positive America and
25:09
I listened to... That's about it
25:11
lately for the year holes. Because
25:13
I was religiously listening to office
25:15
ladies, but it's a rewatch of
25:17
the office ladies. They're rewatch of
25:19
the office. They made it to
25:22
the end. Okay. So then I
25:24
stopped and it was emotional. I'm
25:26
not going to watch a tightwire
25:28
act. Yeah,
25:30
and when I do consume drag to
25:32
him like you guys got to watch
25:35
this video from 2008 of Tammy Brown
25:37
doing in the jungle as a jungle
25:39
person I mean the only thing like
25:42
I said like the lip sink a
25:44
boy bar what 96 or 92 is
25:46
the only drag number ever watch is
25:49
the only two is the only two
25:51
is the boy bar what 96 or
25:53
92 is the only drag number ever
25:56
watched and it's like a VHS quality
25:58
on YouTube I had to I had
26:00
to reignite the hot water Why is
26:03
it up to you? Because I'm living
26:05
in squalor with a paper-thin walled piece
26:07
of shit little fucking shitass construction. I
26:10
wish you would have had your old
26:12
house. I've been wistfully reminiscing about that
26:14
box too. Remember your yard? Remember your
26:17
pergola? Remember your gym? Remember every time
26:19
I would peel out and hit pedestrians,
26:21
including Buddhist nuns on the way home
26:24
to catch the sunset. If it was
26:26
like 555, I look at the sunsets
26:28
as 612, going up the fucking hill,
26:31
I'll be running up, like sprinting up
26:33
to the top level and just pants
26:35
down, gooning mouth open, tongue waggling. Oh,
26:38
blender. I think I would miss the
26:40
instruction part of TikTok for sure, but
26:42
you're right. I guess shorts and wheels
26:45
exist. Because on YouTube, you got all
26:47
the comments right there. Like, this is,
26:49
I mean, it takes. It takes a
26:52
very low amount of media literacy and
26:54
a little bit of patience to really
26:56
find. You know, if you want to
26:59
clean something, if you want to do
27:01
anything, anything, you got the, I was
27:03
like, I got the shit ass wild
27:06
and wild and wild carpeting, this guy,
27:08
this incredible guy made these incredible videos.
27:10
And he's also like, hey, if you
27:13
want a shorter version of this, here's
27:15
the Cliff Notes version, link to that.
27:17
And it's how to, they're so informative,
27:20
Google Gemini for that reason. I have
27:22
no idea. Is that the AI? Yeah.
27:25
Do I, you know, I recently learned
27:27
that AI was used to develop the
27:29
script of Amelia Perez? Don't you know,
27:32
pump it up? I can't. It makes
27:34
sense, right? It makes sense. I can't
27:36
with this bullshit, this larceny, this theft,
27:38
this, um, this raping and ravaging of
27:41
the art world and the seek and
27:43
destroy of my eyeballs and ear holes.
27:45
Right. I want all them to go
27:48
to jail and be in hell. I
27:50
wouldn't say I would use it. I've
27:52
never used it for anything creative, but
27:55
things like... I would hope not. Artist.
27:57
If I'm watching a movie and I'm
27:59
like... What do people, do people
28:01
like this movie? I like that,
28:03
that's like a condensed version of
28:05
me, going through a Google search
28:07
and like finding out if people
28:10
like this movie. I'd be like,
28:12
oh, Rotten Tomino says this, this
28:14
is this, this is this, like great,
28:16
people don't like it, they do like
28:18
it. Yeah, yeah. It's wild bitch.
28:20
At Creative shit? Making a movie
28:22
from, from, I'm weird. And I
28:24
haven't seen the new Wolf Man,
28:26
but I read a bunch of
28:28
people's responses, How are you doing
28:30
all that? How are you doing that in this
28:33
day and age? How are you doing
28:35
that? We know better. Can you imagine creating,
28:37
going, you know how much, you know how
28:39
long, expensive and crazy it does to make
28:41
a movie? It's like insane. It's a
28:43
huge, drawn out in its difficult
28:46
process. Months, months, months, months. Years,
28:48
sometimes. All the people, all the
28:50
money, all the efforts, all the
28:52
talent. And then you're making something
28:55
boring. Then it's going to be
28:57
boring. Can I ask for a
28:59
movie? That's boring. Can I ask
29:01
why you didn't see Wicked, but
29:03
you watched Amelia Perez? Well, okay,
29:05
great question. Because you didn't musicals.
29:07
I don't like, I like Tanner
29:09
and Eb. I like, you know,
29:11
I love the classic, I love
29:13
Sweet Charity, Chicago, all that stuff,
29:15
all that stuff makes sense, and
29:17
the music's cool. Right. I wasn't
29:20
my choice to watch this. It was
29:22
the gay fag at Christmas. You know,
29:24
we thought it was going to be
29:26
weird, it was going to be outrageous,
29:28
and it was in a bad way. But it's
29:30
like, how can you make a boring movie?
29:32
How are you going to make
29:34
a boring movie? Right. Boring, boring,
29:36
boring, boring, boring, boring horror
29:39
movie. Ugh. I think we need to go
29:41
back to drawing and painting. You know,
29:43
well, you don't also, people also make
29:45
boring plays, like people do. Girl, I
29:47
fell asleep at a play once in
29:50
the front row. What play? Oh, bitch.
29:52
It was, um, I don't even
29:54
remember, love it. In Ireland, I
29:56
was like, girl, I recently, I
29:58
don't know why I keep. getting
30:00
suggested this, but, um, wait, did you
30:02
see, oh, Mary, you didn't, did you?
30:04
No, I don't know why I keep
30:07
getting suggested this, but I keep getting
30:09
suggested videos of people who are like,
30:11
hey, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a,
30:13
I'm a cover for this lead play
30:15
on Broadway or whatever, and I have
30:17
to go in today. So it's like,
30:20
they wake up in the morning and
30:22
get a text to say, you're on
30:24
for Marty McFly and back to the.
30:26
You and I did over 100 Trixian
30:28
cotia lives on a nightly basis. I
30:30
was not sure if I would know
30:33
what we were doing. I'm like one
30:35
of those Republicans in the stand being
30:37
like, I do not recall. I do
30:39
not recall. Like every night, same songs
30:41
and same words, I'd be like, what
30:43
do I say now? Because all we
30:46
do is make things up. So the
30:48
part of my brain that has a
30:50
routine information. After feed. I don't know
30:52
anyone's name. I don't know anyone's name.
30:54
I don't know anyone's. You maybe cover
30:56
Alpha and Wicked a couple times a
30:58
month, maybe? I don't know. Understudies, yeah.
31:01
You have to go in. And you
31:03
haven't done it. Are they working at
31:05
a barista? What are they doing else?
31:07
What are they doing during the rest
31:09
of their day? Like, what's this guy?
31:11
I mean, they might get paid to
31:14
just be on standby. Because you can't.
31:16
They might get paid to just be
31:18
on standby. Because you can't. They might
31:20
get paid. I really don't. I really
31:22
don't. I think. How do you like,
31:24
oh, I'm gonna go play alphabet today,
31:27
but I haven't done it in three
31:29
weeks? What? They probably do it every
31:31
day. I mean, it's like my crazy
31:33
French horn player guy, you know, he,
31:35
no matter what, he's 5am in his
31:37
car blown in that fucking horn every
31:40
day. If I was the understudy, I
31:42
would go to the play and I
31:44
would be like, kind of be acting
31:46
out what they're doing, like a stage
31:48
mom. I didn't think that's probably what
31:50
they do, like what they do. I
31:53
mean, like what they do. I mean,
31:55
I mean, I mean, I mean, I
31:57
mean, I mean, like, like, like, like,
31:59
like, like, like, like, like, like, like,
32:01
like, like, like, like, like, like, like,
32:03
like, like, like, like, like, like, like,
32:06
like, like, like, like, like, like, like,
32:08
like, like, like, like, like, like, like
32:10
Maybe this maybe if anybody knows comment,
32:12
maybe they go to the play and
32:14
stand in the wings and kind of
32:16
Mark it Maybe they kind of do
32:19
the lip sync. Maybe they will be
32:21
present on the stage to watch the
32:23
costume changes, or maybe they've, maybe they
32:25
used to play it. Or what if,
32:27
because what if a Roxy breaks her
32:29
leg in the first act? I mean,
32:32
it does come back to you, like,
32:34
I think we could mount Trixie and
32:36
Cottie alive in a week again. Green
32:38
Room, what is it? I love that
32:40
joke. Not one person left. There was
32:42
a joke. No, no, no, no, no,
32:45
no, no, no, no, no, we, we
32:47
didn't, we didn't, we didn't, we, we
32:49
did every night, we did every night,
32:51
to, to, to, to, to, to, to,
32:53
to, to, to, to, to, to, to,
32:55
to, to, to, to, to, to, to,
32:58
to, to, to, to, to, no, to,
33:00
no, no, no, no, no, no, Green
33:02
room now and you go green room
33:04
what is it and then I go
33:06
it's a room at the back of
33:08
the theater where performers wait to go
33:11
on but that's not important right now
33:13
and no one I would always pause
33:15
for the applause it's funny it's funny
33:17
it's funny shit Whatever I wanted, and
33:19
now, she doesn't. Enter the chime credit
33:21
builder card. This is a secured credit
33:24
card with no annual fees. You can
33:26
build credit with money you set aside
33:28
and avoid interest or expensive debt. Plus,
33:30
you get access to my pay and
33:32
get up to $500 of your pay
33:34
before payday with no mandatory fees. Start
33:37
building credit with everyday purchases and regular
33:39
on-time payments with no annual fees, interest,
33:41
or credit check at chime.com/bald. One of
33:43
my favorite things about having better credit
33:45
is that my mom is going to
33:47
take me to Universal Studios in Florida
33:49
and we need money. We've had a
33:52
lot of unexpected expenses, like I had
33:54
to get braces again. They also have
33:56
fee-free overdraft with Spot Me. Overdraft up
33:58
to $200 without fees with Spot Me
34:00
when you set up... a qualifying direct
34:02
deposit. Just set up a qualifying direct
34:05
deposit. Sign up for spot meet
34:07
and chime will spot you
34:09
up to $200 when you
34:11
exceed your balance. Plus you
34:13
get access to $50,000 plus
34:15
fee-free ATMs. That's more than
34:17
the top three national banks
34:19
combined. Tee-heat. Turn your everyday
34:22
purchases into steps toward your
34:24
financial goals with chime secure
34:26
credit card. Get started today
34:28
at chime.com/bold. That's chime.com/bold. chime.
34:30
Feels like progress. The chime
34:32
credit builder visa credit card
34:34
is issued by the Bank Corp
34:36
Bank, N.A. or Stride Bank N.A.
34:38
Spot Me eligibility requirements and overdraft
34:40
limits apply. Out of network ATM
34:42
withdrawal and OTC advanced fees may
34:44
apply. Late payment may negatively impact
34:46
your credit score. My pay eligibility
34:49
requirements apply. Credit limits range 20
34:51
to $500 to $500.com/disclosures for details.
34:53
This podcast is brought to
34:55
you by aura. By the time
34:57
you hear about a data breach,
35:00
your information has already been exposed
35:02
for months. On average, companies take
35:04
277 days to report a breach.
35:07
That's nine months where hackers have
35:09
access to your personal data. Your
35:11
name, address, phone number, even
35:13
your social security number, before
35:16
you even know it's out
35:18
there. Think about it. Nine months is
35:20
enough time for criminals to open accounts
35:22
in your name, rack up debt, and
35:25
disappear. All while you're left dealing with
35:27
the mess. And when the company finally
35:29
tells you, it's too late, the damage
35:31
is already done. Data breaches aren't
35:33
slowing down. They're getting bigger, and
35:36
the delays in reporting them aren't
35:38
helping. Right now, your personal information could
35:40
already be on the dark web,
35:43
and you wouldn't even know it. How
35:45
long do you want to wait before
35:47
taking action? That's why we're thrilled to
35:49
partner with aura. aura monitors the dark web
35:51
for users phone numbers, emails,
35:53
and social security numbers, delivering
35:56
real-time alerts if any suspicious
35:58
activity is detected. Additionally, ORA
37:09
Spring Fest and Ego days are
37:11
here at Lowe's. Right now, get
37:13
a free select Ego 56 volt
37:15
battery with purchase of a select
37:17
trimmer, blower, or a mower kit.
37:19
Plus, shop today for new and
37:21
exclusive items you need for your
37:23
lawn. So get ready for spring
37:25
with the latest and innovation from
37:27
Ego, the number one rated brand
37:29
and cordless outdoor power. Only at
37:31
Lowe's. We help. You save. Offer
37:33
valet through Fort's who selection varies
37:35
by location while supplies last. White,
38:19
by way of American Girl doll. I
38:21
don't know what the fuck she's doing.
38:23
She's got this little spiral-m-m. Mama get
38:25
out of here. Go get out of
38:28
here get lost shave your head and get lost
38:30
shave your head and get lost get out of
38:32
here. I guess that's also what I liked
38:34
about tic-toc is it wasn't a Musk or
38:36
Zucherberg owned an operated thing Shau shing
38:38
ping and that's why I also feel like it's
38:40
a monopoly where these companies are like we're
38:42
the American companies that own the social media
38:44
and if we three white men can't make
38:47
money off this we gotta find a way
38:49
to get you out of here You know what
38:51
I mean? It's kind of a monopoly in
38:53
a way. But also people who are making
38:55
all their coin from the social media platforms,
38:57
they're the product. You know what I mean? It's
38:59
not like free speech. This is a business that
39:01
some other person operates that you are the product
39:03
when you sign up for it. You know what
39:05
I mean? Yes. Can I ask a question? This is
39:08
like just, I think you have a really
39:10
sound moral compass and I think you're really
39:12
smart when it comes to hypothetical and how
39:14
you think something would play out. People
39:16
like the Zookerburgs, the mosques,
39:18
the Bizos, they are billions
39:20
of heirs, right? When you have that much
39:23
money, what do you really want? Power.
39:25
What do you have more money than you
39:27
need or what? Power. Power. Power. Yeah. Because
39:29
they know that, I mean, I assume that
39:31
they've lived long enough that money is
39:34
not going to make them happy, because
39:36
it's like, you know. They've gone, they've,
39:38
they've, they've tried every dopamine hit that
39:40
is possible on this. Through money, yes.
39:42
Yeah, I mean, they've killed a bunch
39:44
of hookers, they've fucked their dead brains,
39:46
whatever, you know what I mean? It's
39:48
like, they've gone to every extreme. Right.
39:50
But I think that, yeah, I think
39:52
that they just want, what's the, that
39:54
the last house on the left, just
39:56
power? In my experience to legacy? I
39:58
don't know, control everything. Yeah legacy I
40:00
guess yeah secure I mean I have
40:02
found in LA an entertainment there's a
40:05
lot of rich people who aren't famous
40:07
and I do think well it's like
40:09
people want to be famous because it's
40:11
one of the things you can't really
40:13
buy well it's the it's this the
40:15
triangle of sadness it's money fame youth
40:17
so we're rich and famous but you're
40:19
aging so you're scrambling at youth so
40:21
the young people are trying to be
40:24
rich and be rich and famous and
40:26
famous But so everybody's got something else
40:28
and they're all chasing each other's tails
40:30
in this triangle of sadness. It's horrible.
40:32
I've never, you know, is that what
40:34
that means? No, no, it's not. But
40:36
I mean, think about it, like, you
40:38
know, like you said, the housewives are,
40:40
you know, they're rich, but they really
40:43
want to be famous, and they're rich,
40:45
but they really want to be famous,
40:47
but they're, they're rich, but they really
40:49
want to be famous, but they're, they're,
40:51
they're, you know, they're, they're, they're, they're,
40:53
they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're,
40:55
they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're,
40:57
they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're,
40:59
they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're,
41:02
they're Why can't I buy this? They're
41:04
frustrated because they could buy an island,
41:06
they could buy a state, but they
41:08
can't buy a production company. But I
41:10
guess you can also get so rich
41:12
that you are famous. Whoa. Because you
41:14
think about if you're a billionaire, every
41:16
room you enter, people will go, oh,
41:18
Steve is coming. He's a billionaire. He's
41:21
a billionaire. He's the first thing people
41:23
know about you. But other famous people
41:25
or other millionaires are like, but Steve's
41:27
a fucking idiot. And also talent. No
41:29
respect. No respect. I don't get no
41:31
respect at all. My daughter. She comes
41:33
home at 10 o'clock. She comes from
41:35
in 10. No respect. No respect. Do
41:38
you ever see Natural Boy and Killers?
41:40
Of course. Oh my god. I just
41:42
re-watch that scene. The sitcom scene with.
41:44
The sitcom scene. It's like. The sitcom
41:46
scene is so cool. It's wild. I
41:48
love Miss Juliet. That music is awesome.
41:50
Runs way else. 7 kind of. You
41:52
know what else 7? Oh that was
41:54
the in that shit list was in
41:57
that soundtrack was in the natural point
41:59
killer soundtrack I was assessed with that
42:01
song when they beat the show the
42:03
people in the diner I think. Oh
42:05
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All the stone.
42:07
I also recently watched Pulp Fiction. Oh
42:09
yeah. Which I recently watched Pulp Fiction.
42:11
Which I've seen of course like maybe
42:13
a dozen times. Yeah. I watched it
42:16
a lot when I was younger which
42:18
maybe I was too young to understand
42:20
what was going on. As an. As
42:22
an adult I'm watching. This
42:25
is dumb, but I think at first
42:27
saw that we've been I was like
42:30
six or seven, definitely too young. Yeah,
42:32
yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like, oh,
42:34
as an adult, I'm like, he throws
42:36
that fight. Bruce throws the fight. Yeah.
42:39
And kills, well, he's supposed to throw
42:41
the fight. Yeah. And kills, well, he's
42:43
supposed to throw the fight. Yeah. And
42:45
he's supposed to throw the fight. Yeah.
42:48
And he kills, well, he's supposed to
42:50
throw the fight. I'd, I'd punch you
42:52
in the, I'd punch you in the,
42:55
I'd, I'd, I'd punch you in the,
42:57
I'd, I'd, I'd punch you in the,
42:59
like, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, like,
43:01
I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, like, I'd, I'd,
43:04
I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd, I'd,
43:06
I'd, I'd, So fierce! So fierce! And
43:08
then he gets raped in the fucking
43:10
dungeon with the gimp watching. She didn't
43:13
hit the back of the car. Baby.
43:15
Accident. Accident. A royal with cheese. There's
43:17
a lot of stuff going on that
43:19
movie. I love it. It's a wonderful
43:22
movie. I love it when that scene
43:24
where she's snorting the heroin and it's
43:26
just so wild. Is it bad to
43:28
snort heroin? Yes, you can snort heroin.
43:31
But just for example, I crushed up
43:33
an oxy, a tiny, tiny pill, tiny
43:35
pill once and snorted half of it
43:37
and I was her in that movie.
43:40
You were? I was almost instantly on
43:42
the floor freezing cold sweating buckets, throwing
43:44
up, throwing up, worst drug experience of
43:46
my whole life by far. And that
43:49
was a tiny pill of oxycontin. So
43:51
yeah, you're not trying to do a
43:53
big fat real heroin like it's cocaine.
43:56
How horrible. I know. Drugs are wild.
43:58
I wanted to talk about something else.
44:00
There's one. Yes. Oh, wait a
44:02
minute. So Colin Joss, like, I
44:04
was like, is this real? Is
44:06
this an AI something? Is this
44:09
fake? What the fuck was that?
44:11
We were on pop culture jeopardy.
44:13
Oh, pop culture jeopardy. Oh, pop culture
44:16
jeopardy. Hey, girl, I was
44:18
gagged because I love jeopardy.
44:20
You better believe no one knew
44:22
who they answer. Of course, they're
44:25
like, they made strike queens.
44:27
But I love the little smirk on
44:29
Miss Joss's face when he said it.
44:31
It was true. Well, she loves us.
44:33
She's obsessed with us in fact.
44:36
Yeah. And Carla should be worried.
44:38
She should be really worried because
44:40
we're gonna be stuck in on
44:42
his dick and balls and asphalt.
44:44
She will be left because he
44:46
will be going for two bald men
44:48
who refused to have sex at
44:50
the same time. Exactly. Because we're going
44:52
to keep him. It's too much.
44:55
It's too much. I don't care
44:57
how hot. I don't care how
44:59
hot. I love you. I'm happy
45:01
for you. Maybe through a sheet.
45:04
Maybe through a sheet. We don't
45:06
love the same. Like I'll take
45:08
the top half, you take the
45:10
bottom half and we do a
45:13
sheet, like a medical situation. No,
45:15
we saw him in half. I
45:17
take one half home, you take the
45:19
other half home. Get her sec the
45:21
balance. Yes. Multiple Loves, what? It's Judge
45:23
Judy, who has the time? But you
45:25
don't want someone to stay over. Sweetie,
45:27
that doesn't mean I want multiples. And
45:29
then he comes to my house, slip
45:31
over. Then I'm gonna beat his ass
45:34
with a bat. You know, in that,
45:36
a bat from Yankee Stadium, I keep
45:38
by the side of my bed for
45:40
the killer. For the killer. For the
45:42
killer. There's also nobody you and I
45:44
both want. Yeah, we don't have a
45:46
lot of overlap. But I, we don't
45:48
have a lot of overlap. that Wendy
45:50
Williams has by the bedside. It's a
45:53
rhinestone bat with spikes on it. Honey! She
45:55
showed a picture of that thing on a
45:57
talk show because I went down to Kill
45:59
her rabbit. And it's not just a bat
46:01
from Yankee Stadium that she has on
46:03
her bedside. It's a mate, like it's
46:06
a medieval torture device. So I ever
46:08
tell you about the time I stole
46:10
a golf club? This was in college
46:12
and you're drunk and you're like, I'm
46:14
gonna do something wild. I'm gonna be
46:16
wild. Tonight's the night. I was leaving
46:18
this random person, straight people, I went
46:21
to a straight people house party. And
46:23
like, like, as I was leaving, there
46:25
was a golf. club by the by
46:27
the door, front door, and I was
46:29
like wouldn't it be funny if I
46:31
get to this? Was it in a
46:33
bag with all the other clubs? I
46:35
thought like it was by the door
46:38
like, oh this is your weapon, okay
46:40
miss thing. The next day I get
46:42
like a DM on Facebook or something.
46:44
Did you take a golf club from
46:46
my house? And I said, who's calling?
46:48
Hello? Your call is very important to
46:50
us. You can't have that. And I
46:53
don't know how, but I got it
46:55
back to him. You stole it on
46:57
purpose? I took it home. Would you
46:59
do it? Drinking alcohol. I probably was
47:01
walking, twirling, like a fagget, like a
47:03
baton. Yeah, so then I brought it
47:05
back and I cleaned all the shit
47:07
off it. You're the lube and the
47:10
shit. With my mouth? The truffle butter.
47:12
Gross. You know what I tried to
47:14
get in the butt. I said no
47:16
ma'am. I don't think they are. People
47:18
are eating lunch, Mary, people are eating
47:20
their lunch. I don't think they are.
47:22
I think they're lunches and then just...
47:25
And then the shitty dick up the
47:27
pussy too, because they're doing Bofa. You,
47:29
you, you, you, you, you're digging my
47:31
ass, or me on, shit, my pussy.
47:33
No, that's a, that's a, not a
47:35
good thing. And when you see that
47:37
in a porno, that woman has dushed
47:39
to high heaven, that women's colonic irrigation
47:42
is on a lot of irrigation is
47:44
on point, a lot of irrigation is
47:46
on point, a lot of irrigation is
47:48
on point. professional course do not attempt
47:50
at home. Three, the whole, I didn't,
47:52
I just slipped, it slipped and went
47:54
up your ass. the whole thing, but
47:57
it slipped and went up your ass.
47:59
Yeah, sorry that my dick slipped out
48:01
of your pussy, went all the way
48:03
up into your ass, balls, and eat.
48:05
I consider myself 99% of bottom, and
48:07
every time I have to do that,
48:09
I swear to God. I'm like, oh,
48:11
what are you nuts? Like, nothing's just
48:14
slipping in there. This grip, mayor, are
48:16
you kidding me? Girl, I'm 49 years
48:18
old, I'm gonna be 50 tomorrow, and
48:20
I have not mastered even. Just that
48:22
I can't do nothing. Well, and but
48:24
and not for lack of trying you
48:26
walking around with a sweetie of traffic
48:29
cone up your butt at home You
48:31
falling asleep with the butt plug in
48:33
yeah pushing it out in the shower
48:35
imagine the grip. Yeah, the grip. I'd
48:37
hate to be your neighbor You're so
48:39
wrapped up in what it's like for
48:41
you to hear your neighbors. Sweetie. Imagine
48:43
what they fucking here. Do you think
48:46
that is the that is the origin
48:48
of the stress right? If I was
48:50
an ass holding of shit about any
48:52
everything of shit about any everything I
48:54
did at home? everything I did at
48:56
home? I would be, I'm like, whatever,
48:58
they come knocking with no, you know,
49:01
I don't have no note, they're not
49:03
coming knocking, they're not banging on the
49:05
wall. I think it's, I'm just whatever.
49:07
I am constantly on deaf-con alert about
49:09
like every single thing that I do
49:11
because I don't want to disturb them
49:13
because I don't want to disturb them
49:15
because I hear everything that they do.
49:18
Right. I wanted to get fucked in
49:20
the butt. I said, hey, who? My
49:22
friend. Who has fucked me in the
49:24
butt before? Okay. I don't know if
49:26
I told you about this, but he
49:28
has this thing where he can inflate
49:30
his dick. Like, you know how if
49:33
you just like, contract in your ears
49:35
move, it's like that, he can like,
49:37
do that in his, the girth of
49:39
his weener increases so significantly that it
49:41
feels like it's inflating in your booty
49:43
hole. Do you want this? It's wild.
49:45
It's wild. It's wild. It's wild. It's
49:47
wild. It's wild. Okay. Okay. Are you
49:50
verse now. Are you verse now. Are
49:52
you a bisexual? Are you fucking kidding me?
49:54
You fat bitch? I would lie, I mean,
49:57
whatever. I just, but I was trying to
49:59
get fucking the book and I had a
50:01
douche. Also, Courtney left her douche in the
50:03
guest. Corniac? So disgusting. Huge thing. Giant hull.
50:05
It's like so. Do veans have to douche?
50:07
She claims she just kind of like put
50:09
out a bullion cube twice a week. Like,
50:12
yeah. Apparently, she's got like, well, she's everything
50:14
as magic about Miss Courtney act. It's like,
50:16
like, like, I don't know. Then you got
50:18
to like, like, like, I know that I'm
50:20
not getting fisted so I'm not like doing
50:22
the whole damn thing, but like I don't
50:25
know the stress of like pooping on the
50:27
weenie makes me like stressed out and then
50:29
the stress actually makes have to go to
50:31
the bathroom and then I get to do
50:33
it again and then I'm hungry I want
50:35
to eat dinner but then I'm like afraid
50:37
it's like a whole thing. I mean this
50:40
idea I just think this idea that I'm
50:42
going to bottom later so I can't eat
50:44
all day. No no no no that's like
50:46
baby what is your what is your what
50:48
is your what is your what is your
50:50
what is your what is your digestive system,
50:52
why is your digestive system, why is your
50:55
digestive system, why is your digestive system a
50:57
powder You can't eat all day. No, that
50:59
might get fucked later. That's crazy. No, that's
51:01
crazy I think that was also maybe the
51:03
No, I don't know. I'm not sure I
51:05
can't speak on that, but I just like
51:07
I don't know It's not the juice the
51:10
juice isn't worth the squeeze sometimes and plus
51:12
I love what about kissing hugging and smooching
51:14
and jerkin? Whatever happened to that because Mary
51:16
this is LA everybody wants this they want
51:18
saw yeah They want hostile up their ass.
51:20
Yeah, everybody goes, this is going to be
51:22
great. I really like you. They have a
51:25
really nice date. Now, after I've passed out
51:27
completely, I wouldn't need you to restart my
51:29
heart. Like, they want that level. We should
51:31
probably fuck in an ambulance, because that's the
51:33
end game. So I've rented, taken my friends
51:35
at EMT. Totally. We're gonna fuck in the
51:37
back of the ambulance and go to the
51:40
hospital. Because if you don't put me in
51:42
the hospital, I'm bored. Let's call 911 now.
51:44
And then we have about nine minutes before,
51:46
you know, they're here. Yeah. It's crazy. I
51:48
don't know. I just, here's the thing I'm
51:50
very grateful for. Like you asked me if
51:52
I wanted a boyfriend, I don't really want
51:55
one. Well, you can't get one. Because you're
51:57
ugly. Because you're ugly. Because you're ugly. Well
52:00
that is a precursor to
52:02
having one. I love myself.
52:05
Like I, but I also, I,
52:07
like I, in the mirror. I
52:09
believe that. I think you're
52:12
very lovable. To be
52:14
honest, I don't mean this
52:16
as a read. I don't
52:18
know who, I don't know who, I
52:21
don't know who either. I don't
52:23
know who either. I don't know. I don't know.
52:25
I don't know who either. I don't know. Like, I
52:27
don't see that. No, I know. I think it's, I
52:29
really do, the only thing I can visualize. Hey, babe,
52:31
what are we gonna do for dinner? Should we go
52:33
on a date night, baby? You, girl. No, no, no,
52:35
no. Like, babe, I, oh, I shrimp my pubes. Like,
52:37
oh, I shrimp my pubes. Like, oh, I shrimp my
52:40
pub. Just like, why, I shit my pub. Like, why,
52:42
why, I shit my pubes, like, I should my pub,
52:44
I should my pubes, like, I should my pubes, like,
52:46
like, like, like, like, I'm like, I'm like, like, I'm
52:48
like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, like, I'm like,
52:50
like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,
52:52
like, like, like, the only, like, like, like, like, like,
52:54
like, like, No, it would be a seat for you.
52:56
No, on Tuesday, Friday, night, and to Saturday. There's a
52:58
schedule. So we hang on on Tuesday nights. Don't stay
53:01
over, don't think about it, don't even get near that
53:03
bed, we're fucking in the living room. And then
53:05
on Friday, nobody's gonna go for that. Nobody's gonna
53:07
go for that. This is gonna go for that.
53:09
Nobody's gonna go for that, this. Nobody's gonna go for
53:11
that, this. Nobody's gonna go for that, this. Nobody's gonna
53:13
go for that go for that, this, this, this, this,
53:15
this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,
53:18
this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,
53:20
this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,
53:22
this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,
53:24
this, this, this, Together. I guess because
53:26
you know what's gonna happen on
53:28
night A I'm gonna hear him
53:30
snore. I'm gonna get mad. He's
53:32
gonna retaliate on night B. He's gonna
53:35
He's gonna The opposite's gonna
53:37
happen. Are you a night sweater? Do
53:39
you sleep and sweat? Am I a Nikki
53:41
fan? Because can I just say something? And this
53:43
is like, I would never say anything mean about
53:46
any group of people. But if you sweat during
53:48
your sleep, you are fucking gross. I know you
53:50
can't help it and I'm sorry for you. But
53:52
when you lean over in bed and you're like,
53:54
I love love, I love to be cuddled. And
53:56
you wrap your arms around a 200 pound salamander.
53:58
And you're like, sweat. So why? What do you
54:00
think? I would, why I want to
54:02
live alone? And why do you think
54:04
I shield, I consciously shield my horror
54:06
from everybody else's experience? My brother recently
54:08
sent me a picture of his mattress
54:10
stained with sweat, like the shroud of
54:12
the shroud of the shroud with sweat,
54:15
like the shroud of terrain. And yeah,
54:17
so I don't want to be a
54:19
hater, but people who do sweat at
54:21
night also are like, oh yeah, I
54:23
sweat a lot, it's gross. Not only
54:25
that I do something the worst than
54:27
sweat. Unforgivable, that I do. I mean
54:29
I do something which is also pretty
54:31
bad which is I'm always cold so
54:33
my hands are always like it's like
54:35
they're tampons. It's horrible and I don't
54:37
want to subject anybody that I would
54:39
prefer to have limited time so that
54:41
they can see me at my best
54:43
and then I can save the shitty
54:45
rotten stuff for myself and my friends.
54:47
I mean I I do something which
54:49
is also pretty bad which is I'm
54:51
always cold so my hands and feet
54:53
are always cold. Your hands are freezing.
54:55
My size 13 foot. While you're sleeping
54:57
you might just feel that on your
54:59
stomach on your back because I got
55:01
to get I got to get warm
55:03
You're around the neck girl around the
55:05
warm imagine the grip The neck neck
55:07
brace of foot the ice pulled pugies
55:09
wrapped around the jugular because I'm code
55:11
you know what I'm code. I'm code.
55:13
I'm code. I need you to lay
55:15
on top of me. I'm a land
55:17
top of you. I'm the smotherer. That's
55:19
the terrorifier to me I'm the terror
55:21
to Sam You with the boyfriend? No,
55:23
babe. No, no, no, no. So listen,
55:25
also, she writes together, babe, she goes
55:27
home to, my Christmas, babe. And I
55:29
know when to be, I don't wanna
55:31
be, I'm not trying to be insensitive
55:33
or weird, but like, it would, I
55:35
would be better off with a deaf
55:37
person or like someone who didn't speak
55:39
English or there was a significant barrier
55:41
to kind of regular communication, so to
55:43
kind of regular, and we love space.
55:45
That I could see as something happening
55:48
for a significant amount of time. You
55:50
want to be Shirley Ralph? Does she
55:52
marry somebody in jail? I just saw
55:54
a clip of her, a press clip
55:56
of her saying, I love my husband,
55:58
I have my, my life, he has
56:00
his life, I have mine, he has
56:02
his career, I have my, she went
56:04
on a little long dress, she was
56:06
kind of like, I have my tone,
56:08
he has his socks, I got his
56:10
jeans, but she was saying for her,
56:12
what works for her is a very
56:14
separate, well, what was the famous person,
56:16
I think, like, like, like. Fuckin' Liz
56:18
Taylor, whatever. Like, what's the, who is
56:20
it? It's like the secret to, what's
56:22
the secret to a successful marriage? Separate
56:24
rooms in separate houses on separate streets
56:26
or something like that. Yeah. I wouldn't
56:28
want that. But that's just me. But
56:30
you're romantic and you've always been in
56:32
a relationship and you're good at that.
56:34
It's not my forte. I love being
56:36
alone. I love kissing myself in the
56:38
mirror. Yeah, no shit, girl. Like, what
56:40
are you gonna, like, walk around with
56:42
your metal butt plug-in, watching the same
56:44
movie on a loop. With my little
56:46
pink, slick it up, ones, I don't
56:48
think so. I don't think so. I
56:50
don't think so. No, babe. They'd be
56:52
like, oh. They would, like, their eyes
56:54
bulge out and they'd run for the
56:56
hills. Yeah. You know what else I
56:58
like to do, and this is horrible.
57:00
I don't know what this comes from.
57:02
I like to get really close to
57:04
someone in bed, like, like, like, like,
57:06
like, like, like, like, like, like, a
57:08
story, a story from when they'd, a
57:10
story from when I was, a story
57:12
from when I was a story from
57:14
when I was a story from when
57:16
I was a, from when I was
57:19
a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
57:21
a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
57:23
a, a, a, a I don't know
57:25
what that is and they always gets
57:27
that response like oh it's just such
57:29
a crazy thing to say I think
57:31
I got it from Spongebob. Oh okay
57:33
you do that Maryland voice like hey
57:35
daddy oh yeah hey daddy what is
57:37
it like the man Christmas cookies? Is
57:39
Marilyn Michael Jackson what the fuck was
57:41
that? I hate I go through hell
57:43
sleeping with sweaters. Happy birthday Mr. President
57:45
I go to hell sleeping with you
57:47
you probably so wet night. Oh
57:50
no! One last thing, one last thing,
57:52
so I have a bet with one
57:54
of our producers, Ms. Marquez here, that
57:57
if, I think I owe her something
57:59
because to me more when the Golden
58:01
Globe. So while I would be so
58:03
thrilled to be more one in Oscar
58:05
for the substance, nominations come out on
58:08
Thursday, I don't think it's going to
58:10
happen. I don't think it's going to
58:12
happen. Just realistically, I don't think it's
58:14
going to happen. However, if it does,
58:16
she is owed a very expensive 70-course
58:19
meal at Ruth's Chris steakhouse. Really?
58:21
So stay tuned to see how it
58:23
plays out. Can I ask, why are you
58:25
the one betting that she wouldn't get
58:27
it? Because I don't think it's going to
58:29
happen. Like I'm realistic. Like I just didn't, in
58:32
terms of the history of the academy and like
58:34
the patterns and stuff, I just. You think it's
58:36
going to be like Tony Colecorette, where it's like,
58:38
it's a horror movie, so no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
58:40
Some says it's kind of horror. Yeah. Yeah,
58:42
yeah. Some says it's kind of horror. Yeah,
58:45
yeah. Some of it is a horror movie,
58:47
and I don't think is probably is probably
58:49
going to win. I'm not going to win.
58:51
I'm going to win. I'm not sure. I'm
58:53
not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
58:55
I can't wait to find out. Have you
58:57
seen, now when Oscars happen, have you seen
59:00
most of these movies? So I haven't, so
59:02
that's why I'm not really that invested. Like
59:04
I'm not gonna watch, I probably will watch
59:06
Wicked when it comes on streaming, you know,
59:08
I haven't watched Baby Girl, and that
59:10
ain't up for Oscar, but like I
59:13
don't even watch Baby Girl, but like, I
59:15
can't even watch Baby Roll. But it's not
59:17
that explicit, it's kind of. How do you
59:19
know you haven't seen him? Because I've read
59:21
every review of it and Andrew told me
59:23
everything that happens in it because he's obsessed
59:26
with it. I'm not on her jock like
59:28
Andrew is. Oh, I thought you really liked him. I
59:30
love her, but I mean I love I love Julian
59:32
Moore. David used to say she's the greatest actress of
59:34
all time. That is categorically untrue. But
59:36
no, I mean she's very talented. She's been
59:38
in every TV and movie since 1992. She
59:40
works every single day. She works every single
59:42
day. She works every single day. She hasn't
59:44
had a holiday. She hasn't had a
59:47
holiday. She has a holiday. Girl, the
59:49
wind was happening, the wind, the wind,
59:51
of course, she was creating the wind.
59:53
It was so, girl, it was so
59:55
cunty. High, pop crave, what? Oh, she's
59:57
like, she literally was like pop crave.
1:00:00
He's like, okay, love that shit.
1:00:02
So fierce. She looks so cunty.
1:00:04
She's quite a beauty, of course.
1:00:06
I think my favorite performance of
1:00:08
hers is in eyes wide shut.
1:00:11
Oh God. I'm gonna have to
1:00:13
say. To die for. I amend it. To
1:00:15
die for. I mean, I know
1:00:17
you like musical. She is great
1:00:19
in Moulin Rouge. I mean, it's
1:00:21
so beautiful. And vertical magic. Yeah.
1:00:23
Of course. Yeah. I mean, did
1:00:26
you ever see destroyer? destroyer.
1:00:28
No. Oh my god, she gets
1:00:30
ugly. Girl, she played this like
1:00:32
hard, scrabble cop. Karen Kusama film
1:00:34
is so wild. Do you think
1:00:36
that because of the substance, now
1:00:38
that all these like hot bitch actresses
1:00:40
are going to be put on
1:00:42
the monster makeup trying to get the
1:00:44
Oscar? I don't think so. No, I
1:00:46
don't think so. Plus I'm obsessed with
1:00:49
every, any interview would do me more like
1:00:51
kind of, she went through hell
1:00:53
doing that movie. Well, they love
1:00:56
a physical transformation. That T-H-R roundtable
1:00:58
I'm obsessed with my got
1:01:00
it all those all those
1:01:02
hoars so she's perfectly lit
1:01:05
but Angelina Julie my god
1:01:07
that woman beautiful like
1:01:09
yeah beautiful like what yeah fuck
1:01:11
supernatural supernatural didn't love Maria the
1:01:13
callus the movie but shit that
1:01:15
woman is fucking Jesus Christ! David
1:01:17
produced that movie, Please, Baby, Please,
1:01:19
that Demi was in a couple
1:01:21
years ago. I never saw that.
1:01:23
Colley was in it too. Yes,
1:01:25
Coles in it too. And he
1:01:27
got to work with her obviously
1:01:29
very directly and he was said
1:01:31
how amazing she was. I mean,
1:01:34
her scene, she was great. I
1:01:36
love that scene in Charlie's Angels
1:01:38
too, where she goes, where she's like right
1:01:40
at the camera with the gun and she
1:01:42
goes, no, I was great. Because you know,
1:01:44
you know, she's like, she's like, like, like,
1:01:46
the former, the former, the former, And she
1:01:48
jumps off the observatory or
1:01:50
whatever. Oh yeah. Those early
1:01:52
2000s fashions. You know what
1:01:55
we gotta watch? We should
1:01:57
watch and recap. I've been
1:01:59
really horny to. rewatch and
1:05:04
a password manager to help secure
1:05:06
your accounts, ORI gives you the
1:05:08
tools to fight back. For a
1:05:10
limited time, aura is offering our
1:05:13
listeners a 14-day trial, plus a
1:05:15
check of your data to see
1:05:17
if your personal information has been
1:05:19
leaked online. All for free when
1:05:21
you visit aura.com slash defense.
1:05:24
That's aura.com/defense, to sign up
1:05:26
for a 14-day free trial
1:05:28
and start protecting you and
1:05:31
your loved ones. That's A-U-U-R-A.
1:05:38
details.
Podchaser is the ultimate destination for podcast data, search, and discovery. Learn More