Episode Transcript
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4:00
No, no, no, we're all sitting there. We're all sitting there.
4:02
We were, it was, who was it?
4:04
A conversation, I mean. No, no, yeah,
4:06
yeah, it was Jay. It was Alex
4:09
Edelman, Jamie Schumer. It
4:11
was another person. There was a couple people
4:13
that seemed like they had a lot of
4:16
money that I didn't know. Yeah, it was
4:18
a stressful environment with stars at the ritz.
4:20
It was like weird. We're all talking, we're
4:22
all talking. And Meg, you turn to Katya
4:25
and you go, so I noticed you haven't
4:27
talked to me in a little bit. We're
4:30
sitting at the table. It was so fucking
4:32
funny because I think we
4:34
had just engaged in a group conversation instead of just
4:37
with you. And that seemed to really upset you. I
4:39
didn't want it to be a big group thing. Right.
4:42
Yeah, she wanted some one on one. I think Amy Schumer
4:44
should have left. Even though she's the one who invited us
4:46
to brunch. But you know what though, you know what was
4:48
crazy about that? We played, considered the source and every single
4:51
person got it right. Do you remember that bitch? Strangers.
4:54
Wait, can you remind me again what
4:56
that one is? So consider the sources. When we
4:58
all take our quotes. Yeah, we take our pants
5:00
and panties off. Oh yeah, I do remember that.
5:05
No, you know what I'm talking about.
5:07
It's like you say, okay, choose
5:10
a number. Yes. 21 and 10. You
5:12
close your eyes. Yes, oh my God. Yeah, I
5:14
remember now. Okay, okay. But when
5:16
you're given a category by a stranger that
5:19
you don't know, they say supermodels from the
5:21
80s and the number is six. Yeah.
5:25
How do you like let
5:27
that person know that everybody got
5:29
it right? The first time, four,
5:32
seven, it was crazy. I can't believe that
5:34
I got, I know that I'm
5:36
smart but I am surprised I got it right. It
5:39
was, I was kind of nervous during that
5:41
breakfast because you guys remember that we went
5:43
to the wrong place at first when we
5:45
were in that cafeteria. We went
5:48
to a cafeteria that had closed
5:50
last year. No, because Meg
5:52
was our, you were our end to the
5:54
celebrity world. And so you were
5:56
like, girls, we're gonna brunch. And
5:59
we got all the celebrity. I was like, how
6:01
do you feel about going to brunch with
6:03
Amy Schumer? Well, I love, obviously her, but
6:05
I love Alex Edelman too. So I was like,
6:08
oh my gosh, love him. And I
6:10
was like, and Meg is, she's got us hooked
6:12
up. It felt amazing to do the invite. And
6:14
then it all fell apart when we got to
6:16
the first location. We're
6:18
going to go to a fruit truck in the
6:20
Bronx. And I think we waited for about 35
6:22
minutes. And then I pictured, I
6:25
can't picture her coming in here. And then
6:27
we called her and we're like, where are
6:29
you? Why aren't you here? And
6:31
she was like, I'm at the location where
6:33
the bunches. I started shaking. I was really
6:36
nervous. I'm at the nice place, you fucking
6:38
dirt bag. We were at like the hotel
6:40
closed cafeteria. It was like the lobby where
6:42
they had, it was the lobby where they
6:44
had. It was like the foyer where they
6:47
have the little fruit water. Right? We
6:50
just pulled up. Well, I figured I have to sing.
6:52
So I was getting ready. You guys felt distant from
6:54
me when we went in there. Cause I thought you
6:56
knew that something was off. And so you started pulling
6:59
away from me. But once we got to the real
7:01
place, I wish I was closer to you because I
7:03
was seated right next to Amy's Joomer. And I was
7:05
like, oh my God, this person's like a billionaire super
7:07
big star. And then she's like, so
7:09
what's, what's, what's your deal? I was like, well,
7:11
I'm gay. I'm a cross dresser. Yeah. That's
7:15
what I just said. I'm gay. Don't make
7:17
me explain it. I was at a wedding last weekend and I
7:19
was talking to an older gentleman who didn't know. And he was
7:21
like, what can I entertain? Entertainment do you do? And I said,
7:23
Oh drag. And I saw him look like explain.
7:26
It was like, all right. Now I have
7:28
to explain it. No version of explaining drag sounds
7:31
good. So I said, I'm a cross
7:33
dresser at the wedding function. That sounds
7:35
worse. I'm a little
7:37
crossy. I'm a little crossy girl. Like Tootsie.
7:39
Yeah. Well, I bend over. I push my
7:41
sack all the way back. And then I
7:43
put on a little maid outfit and I
7:45
go, ooh. You know, Don't
7:47
you think if you would have showed them a
7:49
picture of that you in
7:52
your, your big look, but the
7:54
look was big. You
7:57
feel like your big wig. Oh, right. Don't
8:00
you think that I would have rang a bell? You're
8:02
so famous. Well then I'm, but then you know what
8:04
it feels like? It feels like you're putting your wedding
8:06
ring out and you're going, see that? It's
8:08
worth 40 grand. How about, I don't know.
8:10
It's like, I know I'm hot and then he would have
8:13
been Jerking it. Jerking it. Yeah. So.
8:16
Stone hard as steel. Do you know what else happened?
8:18
I know we're supposed to ask you questions, but do
8:20
you know what else happened? Last weekend, I was in,
8:22
yeah, wait. This was
8:24
two days ago. I was coming back from a college
8:26
gig, Carnegie Malone. How many gigs have you done in
8:28
the last three days? That's the problem with going on
8:30
break. When you come back, they get you on the
8:33
tricycle. So Carnegie Mellon,
8:35
the little college gig, you guys have done college
8:37
gigs. It's always kind of early and weird.
8:40
People don't really come to mine. Oh good. But
8:42
you still get paid. Yes. Yeah.
8:44
Yeah. I think it's fun when they
8:46
don't come like an empty room. Oh shit. That gay
8:49
straight alliance pays out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
8:52
Three people, 300, doesn't matter. Well she's paid by the
8:54
straight gay alliance. I know
8:56
she's on the spectrum. You
8:58
thought I was straight. I knew you did. I
9:01
don't know. She clams. I guess I
9:03
assume that was wrong with me. My shirt says Tiva on
9:05
it. Oh, I've got
9:07
the big honking dyke shirt for you. Oh,
9:09
I'm so excited. Yeah. But I
9:11
have one for you too. Perfect. I
9:13
want a really big one with three head holes. We get
9:15
all going. Mary, it's funny because the one they gave me,
9:17
I was going to gift to her. And the one they
9:19
gave you was like a three X. And
9:22
I was like, damn. They always be doing this shit.
9:24
So dirty. I was coming back from the college gig
9:26
and my driver, the night of the election, a
9:28
driver goes to me. So
9:30
can I ask, what is it that you
9:32
do? I'm in
9:34
full drag in the backseat. Oh shit.
9:36
I'm a dental hygienist. Yeah. Medical billions
9:38
expert. Yeah. I'm a medical transcriptionist.
9:40
I get to make my own hours and work from home. I
9:44
sell leggings. Wait,
9:47
wait. So you do, I know what you do for
9:49
a living. And it is really like
9:51
my favorite thing. So I've watched every fucking episode
9:53
of Hex three times. What about you Trixie? How
9:55
many times? You know
9:57
what? I watched one. I watched the first one.
10:01
And she went, no, I don't watch one of my
10:03
television programs. Did you like when I popped in and
10:05
said something sassy? Yes. That's the only
10:08
person I like. I was like, no, her, you know,
10:10
and I watched television for that moment. You don't like
10:12
Jean. Well, she doesn't like me.
10:14
We have a long, well, you know, I'm obsessed with
10:16
her because of Watchmen. Do you
10:18
have a feud with Jean? No,
10:20
I'm obsessed with her because of Watchmen. Yeah.
10:23
She pulls that blue dildo out. Yeah. I
10:25
actually haven't seen Watchmen. Well, oh wow. I
10:27
wasn't that, so I wasn't. I
10:31
mean, I've been a fan of her since
10:33
Charlene designing women. I know. I
10:35
thought she was so hot. She is. She
10:37
smells so hot. She is. Yeah.
10:40
She smells really good. Charlene. What
10:42
does she smell like? Charlene. Not
10:44
Charlene. She smells like a beautiful perfume. Like
10:46
a, like, um, like a- Floral, fruity? Yeah.
10:50
Like a really strong, but not
10:52
too strong. But floral or fruity? It's like,
10:54
uh, both. It's kind of umami. It's like,
10:56
um, it smells like, uh, like I remember
10:59
the first time I smelled her, I
11:01
was like,
11:04
whoa, like. Did she
11:06
know you were smelling her?
11:08
She just came up behind you. She
11:11
likes to like, she'll like rub your, oh,
11:13
sorry. She'll rub your arm or, you know,
11:15
like she'll just be like, oh,
11:17
she's always hugging and, um, and
11:20
she just smells really good. Like
11:22
a fancy, fancy like woman, woman's
11:24
perfume. I love that. Yeah. Kayla
11:27
is my favorite character and Kayla and Jimmy's
11:29
relationship over the two. Me too. Yeah.
11:32
No, I'm telling you that whenever my mom came
11:34
into visit and we watched the whole series and
11:37
she was so obsessed with Kayla and Jimmy
11:39
by the last on the plane scene where
11:41
it looks like he's proposing, we were
11:44
like screaming. That
11:47
scene was so fucking funny. Where
11:49
like, um, where Jimmy's like, I'm, I'm
11:51
not a woman or something. Whatever, you know, she's screaming
11:53
woman. She's really good in that scene. It's hard to
11:55
get a little extras like that who have those moments
11:57
that are so good, knocked it out of the park.
11:59
I just couldn't believe she was the killer.
12:01
I thought that was like a weird
12:04
kind of like, whoa. How
12:06
did you get on this program? Well, first of all,
12:08
I want to say that means a lot to me that you watch
12:10
it and it means a lot to me that you'd have me on
12:12
the podcast even though you haven't seen it. But it's, first
12:15
of all, I haven't seen, I
12:18
haven't seen every inch of hacks. You
12:20
don't always see every inch of the show you're in, right? Right.
12:22
But you see most of it. I've
12:25
seen every centimeter of that. Well,
12:27
you offer us as purveyors of
12:29
your content many ways in which
12:31
to experience you. Instagram. Well, also,
12:33
live performances. I saw this video
12:36
of you recently doing an onstage meet and greet.
12:38
Oh, do you want to explain what that is? Pointing. Yeah.
12:41
I feel like some people were mad. What the f? Who
12:43
did the f does she think
12:45
she is fat bitch? I'm
12:47
like, okay, well, it's a stand up show. I
12:51
was seated and people were walking
12:53
across. Yeah. And you pointed at
12:55
them, but they couldn't across. And
12:58
also, they could also do no, right? Which
13:00
I love. It was like, you're going to slow. You're going
13:02
to actually word me a bad job. And
13:05
someone came up and you screamed like
13:07
they went up to like, say, I love you. They
13:09
got too close. They got
13:11
too close. Try to grab me. I did just a meet and
13:14
greet in my stand up show and I and I had my
13:17
two friends, Karen, Maddie,
13:20
who was a couple be twins. So sometimes they'd
13:22
kiss throughout the show and their twins, but they're
13:24
not in real life. And then I told them
13:26
to help me do sort
13:28
of a meet and greet and had the table set up and it
13:30
took a long time to set it up. And then but
13:33
I thought it was worth it. Oh, I
13:35
saw a dynasty typewriter. Okay, an ion binder.
13:38
Her set was so deranged. She comes out.
13:41
She is singing a song. The
13:44
first she starts like the first bar of
13:46
a song and then continues and
13:48
then continues and then says it over and
13:50
over. It was like it was so funny
13:53
me and the girl I was like, wedding
13:55
ourselves. It was so crazy.
13:58
I was like, wow, the normal. person was here? I
14:01
don't know that I don't know what they would think
14:03
of this person. I think that's fun though. I
14:05
like when people are there not understanding it.
14:08
It was and you like people like if anybody went
14:10
to the bathroom you would call them out. It was
14:12
so like aggressive but
14:14
also very playful and confrontational. But I feel
14:16
like I've seen so much of your stand-up
14:18
on the internet, the YouTube, so if people
14:20
are fans of you from that do they
14:22
really show up and get confused by the
14:25
media? Well
14:27
I think that some people just go to like
14:29
show like feel like in LA especially they'll just
14:31
like show up because they want to
14:34
see like stand-up and they won't know
14:36
or like someone will bring their friend
14:38
and the friend doesn't know. I think
14:40
people understand more now that I've performed a
14:42
lot and it's online but. The problem
14:44
is you put David Spade on the sign
14:47
and then they yeah whoopi Goldberg yeah they're
14:50
in the role of whoopi Goldberg tonight is
14:52
Meg Salter. If I went to the laugh
14:54
factory and saw you I'd be like this
14:56
deranged person. I don't really do clubs
14:58
anymore. I like to be in a
15:00
theater because I did
15:02
that for years where they wouldn't get it fully and
15:04
be like mad at me. I used to have this
15:06
bit where I'd have fake blood in my mouth and
15:08
I'd come out on stage and it was at the
15:10
laugh factory and I would open
15:12
my mouth and be like hi guys sorry
15:15
if my mouth bleeds tonight just because I'm
15:17
nervous but I'm not nervous tonight so it
15:19
probably won't happen and everyone was dead silent
15:22
and someone went is she okay like it was
15:24
like it was at the laugh factory in Chicago
15:26
so it was like the whole audience was like
15:28
straight like out of town people and but
15:30
I and then there's my community like my friend
15:33
in the back was laughing so hard he was
15:35
like crying. See there you go there
15:37
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brazen. You get up there and you're not afraid
18:32
of a response. That's like, what's going on? I
18:35
love that brass cajones on this. Something
18:37
really scary happened to me at a show recently at the logo.
18:40
So it was a Halloween show and I was dressed as Jamie
18:43
Lee Curtis, like, but Dom
18:45
version like or Dom. No,
18:47
no. Like BDSM.
18:50
Sorry. I was
18:52
going to say Dom, like, Dominate Tricks.
18:55
I was dressed as Dom Jamie Lee
18:57
Curtis. No,
19:00
it's like a like a BDSM woman. Like I had
19:02
a dog leash on me and this
19:05
guy in the back of the room stood
19:07
up by the door for like 40 minutes.
19:09
Like he was just standing there like he wanted to kill
19:11
me and I the whole time I was talking about
19:14
it, but the venue didn't know I was kidding because
19:16
I always do jokes like that. So
19:18
I was like, okay, he's still standing back there.
19:20
Okay, he's going to rush the stage. He's reaching
19:22
for his pocket. Hopefully he doesn't have a weapon.
19:24
But the whole venue thought I was kidding. Oh,
19:26
God. I understand. It's like I because
19:29
I'm always like sit down. Oh, come on. Piss
19:31
it off the pot. Don't go to the bathroom
19:33
during my set. But he wouldn't leave like he
19:35
was just standing in the back like
19:37
the whole show. I thought he was going to
19:39
kill me. And then my girlfriend went and got someone in.
19:43
I feel like you would have you could have deescalated that real
19:45
quick, though. You would have it would have
19:47
turned into a fierce bit. He would if he tried to kill me.
19:49
Yeah. Like you would have felt engaged or something. Oh,
19:52
yeah. I think you've got fully stabbed. When you're walking
19:54
on stage with blood coming out of your mouth to start.
19:57
It's a little bit crying wolf. Yeah, I know.
19:59
I know. Oh, I know. Faking
20:01
your own death would be really cunty. If
20:03
I got shot on stage, which I don't want to do,
20:06
by the way, do you
20:08
think people would think it was planned as a
20:10
joke? Depends on the firearm. I'm
20:14
so un-scared of, too. Shotgun, hard to fake.
20:16
If you were in front of the opera and I
20:18
dropped a chandelier on you, the audience would be like,
20:21
Yeah. Because they know that that's going to happen. That's
20:23
my dream. A piano dropped on me. So if you
20:25
do blood on the mouth and then you really start
20:28
bleeding on the mouth and then you're like, I'm
20:30
gonna die. No one's going to say anything. But
20:32
if a man's choking me, I bet eventually someone
20:34
will be like, wait a second. The body contact
20:36
is that's people won't, you're fucked
20:40
because they'll think it's a bit. Or maybe they'll think
20:42
it's coming. Yeah, it's like, oh, this is a bit,
20:44
oh, it's also sexy. This is a rabbit. Well, it
20:46
was crazy that no one left because people
20:48
did get really scared during the show because I
20:50
kept talking about it. What did he look like?
20:52
A big, big white guy, scary, standing,
20:57
not moving an inch. Did he have a gun? Did
21:00
he work at the venue? Cause you know,
21:02
sometimes they have ushers standing. You know that.
21:04
Oh, wait. Get
21:07
a credit card machine, but he's holding a really weird.
21:09
He was standing in the ticket booth and he kept
21:11
saying, show me your ticket. He was standing in the
21:13
back. I said, I was like, you come here, go
21:15
in. You come here, go in. You're standing back there.
21:17
You come in here, go in. And he was like,
21:19
I'm waiting for people to come back from the bathroom
21:21
so I could go sit down. I'm like, cool. That's
21:23
actually good. You want to see what's gonna
21:25
happen in the show. Awesome.
21:28
Amazing fan. And
21:30
then he just stayed there when
21:32
people came back from the bathroom and I
21:34
was like, okay, you're still there. That's not
21:36
scary at all. He's not scary at all.
21:39
But people were laughing cause I was making
21:41
it funny, I guess, but it
21:44
was scary and I couldn't really do anything. Probably
21:46
a lymphatic drainage thing. He didn't
21:48
want to get big. I was scared that something
21:50
medical was happening. Like I was like,
21:52
oh my God, what if he couldn't sit? And he
21:55
died. His legs were straight for forever. Oh, right,
21:57
right, right. You're shaming him for having no knees.
21:59
Yeah. But no damn
22:01
he eventually was asked to leave and he was yelling
22:06
Well, he just was like, I don't
22:09
know I
22:15
think he was saying like I'm allowed to stay I don't
22:17
know what he said But you
22:19
know what was embarrassing is that I was dressed
22:21
as Jamie Lee Curtis and then my friend Caitlin
22:23
Riley was coming out as Demi Moore and I
22:25
was gonna interview her about the substance So she
22:27
had to do the whole interview like right after
22:29
that happened and she didn't know that all that
22:31
happened So it like didn't go that well. She
22:33
was being so funny and she has like a
22:36
raspy voice to be Demi. She is amazing Who's
22:41
the Caitlin Riley well, I found her on tiktok and then
22:44
we saw her in we saw her
22:46
in some Netflix program I saw her in she's
22:48
so funny. She does like this wasp mom character.
22:50
That's amazing She does like that quirky
22:52
lady from a film or like that mom from
22:54
an indie film She does all these cares are
22:56
Netflix. What was the show? I forget what I
22:58
forget She played a little little tiny person shrunk
23:00
down. What do you know? No,
23:03
no, no, she was the character was like this big
23:05
in a glass jar. Oh, oh, you thought I didn't
23:07
know Oh, no,
23:09
she played a normal sized body person who
23:11
was little. Okay. What was it
23:13
in teeny tiny people? teeny
23:15
tiny people Netflix
23:18
presents really really small tiny people also, I feel bad
23:21
you asked me how I got hacks How
23:23
I would love to know and I think
23:25
I actually did a really bad audition
23:27
tape for it And it was really feeling bad and
23:29
I was wearing a bad outfit and it was like
23:32
my dogs My brother's dogs were
23:34
like barking the background, but I met Paul in a
23:36
stand-up show and we hit it off So I think
23:38
that helped. I'm sure love my
23:40
tape was really bad. I love
23:42
him. He's so funny. So hot He's
23:45
really maybe now watch his people Mary.
23:47
He's funny. He's smart and he has
23:50
incredible skin. Yeah, he does He's
23:52
really funny at improv too. God. He's so
23:55
sweet. You're gonna love hacks You
23:58
know, people have told me that they're jealous because
24:00
they wish they could watch it for the first time again. So
24:03
I'm very horny to watch this. Oh, mommy,
24:05
you're gonna fucking love it. You're gonna love it.
24:07
It's so country. This will be the only television program I
24:10
watch. This is gonna be huge. I actually think you
24:12
will really like it. No, it's the,
24:14
I don't watch a lot of television. It's no disrespect
24:16
to you or Jean or anybody. Or
24:19
anybody. Well, to
24:21
be fair, she got me to watch it. To be fair,
24:23
I don't enjoy comedies. No,
24:26
but to be fair, I don't enjoy comedies usually because I
24:28
don't find them funny. The
24:30
hacks is actually very funny. It's also
24:33
very poignant. Very well written.
24:35
That means a lot because I love you guys so much.
24:38
And how did you find us the internet?
24:41
I think. Back page. We found you on
24:43
the internet, I think. I just found you
24:46
on the internet. And I watched
24:48
your documentary. Oh, God. And it made me
24:50
cry. And I was really like, felt
24:53
close to you. And I think
24:55
I just saw like, I think like videos
24:57
of the podcast. And then I started listening.
25:00
Oh, was it when you had cancer? Yeah,
25:02
it all. That's usually how people find
25:04
us. I was gonna do a
25:06
joke about, yeah. And then I thought all of
25:08
a sudden deadline article, Megan had cancer. No,
25:11
no, no, I didn't have that. And then it's like, okay,
25:13
well, I just ruined your joke. Right. No,
25:16
go on sabbatical. You get the news
25:18
coverage of your life. Seriously, front page
25:21
news. Woman takes a break. Woman takes
25:23
so much into the world. Yeah, I wasn't there one about you
25:25
that was like, Trixie sees memes that she missed. ABC
25:28
reported. Struggling drag star takes a step
25:30
back. And the video's like me DJing.
25:32
DJing, DJing in a pink, in a
25:34
giant wig with pink, like tons of
25:36
pink blush. Oh my God. Well, I
25:38
definitely found you guys through the podcast.
25:40
I actually never watched really drag
25:42
race until I was gonna be one of
25:45
the guest judges. And then I watched some
25:47
of it. I'm just too, I
25:49
was always too far behind of like the rules of
25:51
the show. Right. So that it was hard
25:53
to catch up. Yeah, usually they just look
25:56
like a woman and do the, like do
25:58
that. That's the reason. Well, I love drag. but
26:00
I just never got into the rules of
26:02
the show. Which episode did you guest judge?
26:05
One of the ones, hmm. What were they doing?
26:08
Let's think about it. There's still a
26:10
lot, oh, there was an old lady dance. Okay.
26:13
The rock star crew. Okay.
26:15
Oh, yeah. An old lady dance. Was it
26:17
Rue or Michelle? It was Rue. I
26:20
think it's, was God make there, do
26:22
you remember a white face person? No.
26:24
Really? No, no, no. It
26:27
wasn't, it was- I think you should clarify what the white
26:29
face is. I mean like, white face. It
26:32
was Rue and then, but it was
26:35
also, Michelle was there too. So
26:38
old ladies, there was drag queens, there
26:40
was cameras, there
26:43
was drag, but there were also queens. Wait,
26:46
I thought you said it wasn't Rue or Michelle. I was
26:48
like, well, both of them were there. No,
26:50
you said old lady dancing and I was like, which one? Oh,
26:54
yeah. Well, guess what? I was really bad at
26:56
yelling up the catch phrases. So I had to
26:58
do a bunch at the end because I'm not
27:00
gonna, oh, honey, those shoes,
27:02
you gotta throw those out and give
27:04
her some slippers. So
27:07
I just made up one at the end,
27:09
but I'm not, how do you do that
27:12
while they're walking? Like, oh, yeah, cuntaholic. We've
27:15
never been asked to judge, so we don't know.
27:18
No, in puns on the fly. I'm not a
27:20
pun girl. But I love that. Oh, girl, you're
27:22
looking a little ugly. Maybe change that outfit, like
27:24
now. While they're walking? I know that it's probably
27:27
all puns and you're like, I don't
27:29
like it. Yeah. Ooh,
27:31
blue sky, turtleneck. Yeah, that looks
27:33
bad. Also, I was terrified that they were
27:35
gonna say one at the same time I was trying to say one.
27:38
And then I was like, oh, oh, you go. Like, that's so awkward.
27:40
Did you have somebody in your ear? No. We
27:42
just interrupt each other. We don't worry about who's
27:44
talking. No. Yeah. But Rue was, I would have
27:46
been scared to interrupt her. Well, she'll hit you.
27:49
Yeah. Yeah, I heard her yell about something. What's
27:51
she yell about? Well, I should, I don't know if
27:53
I should, I'm not saying anything bad about it. We'll
27:56
edit it out. Raise your voice. Okay. She said, she
27:58
said, come on, people. I'm in a corset. I thought
28:01
she must have said that. Very
28:03
fair. Valid. I think she wanted to
28:05
wrap it up or something. Or they wanted to redo
28:07
the dance and she was like, come on, I'm in
28:09
a corset. So it's actually not mean of her. She
28:11
just was telling everyone she was uncomfortable. 75 years old.
28:14
Sometimes it's all picked up like that. Get her a snack.
28:17
Sometimes I walk in and will say
28:19
like, this outfit's really uncomfortable. I
28:22
have about this much time. Yes. I
28:24
was gonna say I'm not talking bad about her because literally
28:26
I would be so uncomfortable. I can't wear a corset for
28:28
more than one second. I'll pass out. I
28:30
have a question about drag. When you did the
28:32
Elf hydration, Elf Holy hydration, I love that moisturizer.
28:34
I've been using it for like two years. Love
28:36
her. And I saw
28:38
you in the ad and you had those
28:41
hair horns on. Did that hurt? Cause that's
28:43
like clipped into your real hair. Oh, well
28:45
my hairstylist Clayton Hawkins is so incredible. And
28:47
he made it like a headband. So
28:50
he made the horns a headband, but also
28:52
all of the hair is fake, but it looks like
28:54
mine. Cause it's like, well, I mean, it
28:56
looks a little better than mine, but it's fake
28:58
hair, which did hurt. Cause like the clip
29:01
ins kind of hurt eventually. The
29:03
horns not too much cause it's like headband. Cause
29:05
that's what I did during Halloween. You
29:08
were clipping extensions. No, I wore headband of horns.
29:12
Oh, she was the devil. Yeah. You
29:14
were the devil. I showed my midriff. Scary.
29:17
I want to see a picture of that. I'll show it to you
29:19
later. Oh. Today's
29:24
episode of all in the beautiful sponsored by
29:27
Airbnb. Y'all the holidays are upon us. I
29:29
have to tell you guys, I had not
29:31
been to Wasaki, Wisconsin in so many years
29:33
since pre COVID and I went up there
29:35
last month. And of course my whole family
29:37
moved to Milwaukee. You guys know I bought
29:39
my mama house. And so everyone lives in
29:41
Milwaukee now. So I had nowhere to stay.
29:43
And there's not even like hotels in that
29:46
area. It's such a small area. So I
29:48
got on Airbnb and my host Jodi. Hi
29:51
Jodi. She probably doesn't listen to this or know
29:53
who I am, but she made
29:55
it so easy. Her cabin was beautiful. So
29:59
exactly where it was. the wifi, the
30:01
heating, and it was like a family cabin. So
30:03
it had a bunch of like, you know, DVDs.
30:06
You know, when you go on vacation, you just like watch, you know, movies
30:09
with your family. It was perfect
30:11
for staying a couple of days. It had
30:13
everything for cooking. It had knives, like because
30:15
it's a real family's cabin, I didn't have
30:17
to bring anything. In my suitcase, I packed
30:19
a pan. I packed like a spatula
30:21
because I thought it'd be cooking breakfast and they had all
30:23
of that. It was so nice. You
30:25
know, it was just perfect for me and it
30:28
slept eight, but honestly it was
30:30
so affordable that I just got it anyway.
30:32
So instead of a bunch of
30:34
kids' beds being used and stuff, it was just like,
30:36
I had a full bedroom. It was like perfect, perfect
30:38
for me. I could have never achieved
30:40
like that experience of like relaxed and everything kind
30:42
of provided for me if I had stayed in
30:45
a hotel, I mean a hotel in rural Wisconsin.
30:48
So check out airbnb.com or check
30:50
out the Airbnb app. Download it.
30:52
I cannot recommend it enough. Trips
30:54
are always better with Airbnb. Today's
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episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought
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31:02
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31:09
makeup, hand makeup, hairspray, cheap perfume. I mean,
31:11
I'm not always the nicest to my bags.
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of even taking my nice purses out and
31:18
drag. But now with Cure, I
31:21
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31:25
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31:41
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31:43
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31:45
light pink pastel pink bags that
31:47
are constantly threatening to be dirty. And
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32:02
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combined with other offers. This offer is not
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available for prescriptions. People
34:37
are mad at my costume. For the
34:39
commercial? No, for Halloween. I was Ariana
34:42
Grande and my girlfriend was the boyfriend,
34:44
the redhead guy. Ed Sheeran? The Spongebob
34:46
guy? No, yeah, the Spongebob guy. What
34:48
is his name? Ed Sheeran. Ethan. Ethan
34:51
Hawke. Well,
34:54
Ethan Slater. And so we were a
34:57
celebrity couple, but people were mad because
34:59
they thought we were... Did you
35:01
guys see Pettier since the Halloween
35:03
costume? What did she dress
35:06
up as? I
35:08
didn't see it. Oh, Michael
35:10
Jackson? With
35:13
the baby. With the contouring and
35:15
stuff, with the contouring, the plastic
35:17
surgery contouring and the baby. She
35:20
actually did a really good job. Did you
35:22
read her apology? She wrote an apology. I
35:24
hope she... Oh, but it's like jokes. It's so
35:26
funny. I go through hell apologizing. I hate apologizing
35:28
for my costume. That bitch is so funny. She
35:31
is deranged. Do you
35:33
guys think that people should apologize online when
35:35
someone's mad or do you think it almost
35:37
makes them even more mad at you? I
35:40
think the only way to
35:42
apologize is to do it on parchment with
35:44
calligraphy and a quilt. And if people have
35:46
the patience to wait for it, then it's
35:48
good. If not, don't bother. Seriously, what are
35:50
you gonna apologize about? Hitting somebody with your
35:52
car? Right. Well, then you should. But
35:55
online only. Yeah, never to the family.
35:57
Never to the family. Just hit somebody.
35:59
A story post. A story post. Sometimes
36:02
people get more mad at someone that
36:04
apologizes. They were mad at chapel for
36:07
saying there's problems on both sides politically.
36:09
And then they were mad that she
36:11
was trying to explain, no, I'm obviously
36:13
not voting for Trump. And
36:16
people are still mad at her. Hard to get nuance
36:18
across online. Yeah. That's why you just show my
36:20
tits. People will get mad at us for saying
36:22
we aren't voting. People will get mad at us
36:24
saying who we're voting for. They
36:27
got mad at you. You wouldn't believe the
36:29
vitriol hurled at this color. Right. And
36:32
people hate this. They hate this more
36:34
than. They hate this more
36:36
than like certain world wars. Why? I
36:38
saw on the pod. You were like, sorry, our
36:40
sets ugly. Well, guess what? We love it. And
36:43
I thought, well, I don't know why you're saying it's ugly
36:45
because I love it. Because we're ready for the, you know,
36:47
what is it? I love that color. They
36:50
go fans like you because
36:53
our fans are ready at any moment.
36:55
They've gone to the Netflix comments and
36:57
said, oh, love this red. Thank God
36:59
it's not blue. They've infiltrated
37:02
the other areas of our content. Are they
37:04
ever like, I hate moisturizer, bitch, or whatever
37:06
they say to you. They were really mad
37:08
at my Pantene commercial and I had to
37:10
silence the comments because they were going, oh,
37:14
that's it's bad for your hair. Well,
37:16
number one. Yeah, probably. Number
37:19
two, I still used it. So
37:21
I don't have a problem being a commercial for something I
37:23
actually use. So you look
37:25
so pretty. Your hair is kind
37:28
of your, I mean, your hair is so beautiful to always wear
37:30
it very long like this. Oh, well,
37:32
actually speaking of Pantene, they chopped my hair
37:34
off for the commercial. And so it took
37:36
me a long time to grow it back.
37:39
So they cut it like a lot like this much.
37:42
So up to my breasts. Right. And it's good to have
37:45
just enough to cover the nipple in case you want to
37:47
go topless. I know, but they didn't make that much. They
37:49
didn't make you go topless for Pantene. Interesting.
37:51
That would be so funny. That would be
37:53
great. That'd be like blurred out. Or like
37:55
a hair bra. That
37:58
would be a good hair commercial. I think I'm
38:00
allowed to talk about that now because I think it's
38:03
over the campaign, but also I'm
38:05
not saying anything bad. I still use Pantene. I
38:08
love Pantene. I would get paid for selling something
38:10
I didn't even know. Except on this
38:12
podcast, like you would never do that. Oh,
38:14
you're gonna love these grenades. You know what
38:16
I mean? I just, I don't know. Five
38:18
dollars. Would you sell like a hair product
38:20
that would make people's hair fall out? Yes,
38:23
I'm bald. There is something I said
38:25
no to. A couple years ago,
38:27
they asked me to do a campaign for Jenny Craig.
38:30
For who? Jenny Craig.
38:33
Oh, Jenny Craig? What
38:35
does that mean? I wanna know
38:37
what the- I forgot. The email is
38:40
probably like, hey girlie, hey you pig
38:42
plus size diva. Hey big ass bitch.
38:44
Hey. Your tits
38:46
are ass and wait. There's
38:49
no waste in sight. You love to sell
38:51
this. We fucking love you, you fat bitch.
38:54
Also they're kind of saying like, you'd
38:57
make a great before photo. Oh, I know. They're kind
38:59
of saying that right now. I know and so what
39:01
was saddest by me, I had to call and was
39:03
like, hey this one's weird. You
39:05
know what I mean? I've got that
39:07
call. I remember being like- This one's weird. Yeah,
39:09
you know what I said no. I
39:12
actually think now I would do it as a
39:14
joke. Sorry, I would. But I think then I
39:16
actually felt like, what if
39:18
I'm encouraging like bad diet culture?
39:21
Yeah. I mean, I've
39:23
got recently there's been interest
39:25
in me doing an anti-smoking thing. And I'm like,
39:28
well, do I have to quit smoking? Oh,
39:30
you're- I think I would think that's
39:32
the- Yeah, I think that's probably- That means they want
39:34
you to stop. And so they're saying we'll pay you
39:37
to stop. That could be horny. Mama, I'll
39:39
tell you the details later. It's extremely horny. You should
39:41
do it. You should quit. What if you really like
39:43
it? What if it really helps you? How are they
39:45
gonna know if I'm gonna- Just sneak a couple here
39:47
and there. You're smoking in secret? Wait, are they gonna
39:49
chase my blood? This is the Catherine
39:51
Heigl of the drag community. Yeah, mama, somebody's
39:53
got to smoke. I'm gonna do it. Wait,
39:56
that's interesting that you're getting offers for non-smoking
39:58
when you do- The first time was donor's
40:01
night. They want to use the program to
40:03
quit. The inspiration. They
40:05
want a success story. It's like, oh, see that
40:07
snuggle tooth orphan? And now she's a, you know.
40:09
They wanted you to quit. They wanted me to
40:11
lose a little bit of weight, but not that
40:13
much. Notice they didn't ask you to quit meth.
40:15
They were like, that's not gonna take. All the
40:17
hard drugs, that's fine. We just need that nicotine
40:19
out of there. So if you're losing weight for
40:21
money, you're quitting smoking for money, I
40:23
hope that I can perhaps grow hair or get boobs.
40:26
Oh my God, you got big,
40:28
big hair. Huge and curly, like
40:30
a perm, like Ryan. Yeah. You
40:33
need to be the face of the hair
40:35
club for men, but the toupee, like the
40:37
systems. Well, we've done that on
40:39
this channel. We've done hymns on this channel. No,
40:42
no, I'm talking like an installed unit on
40:44
her head. What do you think of the men with
40:46
the units? The toupees, the wigs, the units. Like,
40:48
are you talking about when they glue it down?
40:51
Absolutely. Or no? Oh, I
40:53
think that, first of all, I think it's hot
40:55
when people are bald. Okay. And
40:58
so I don't know, like if I was
41:00
dating someone that was gluing their hair, I'd just
41:02
be like, why don't you not do it? Right.
41:04
Why go through the trouble? Yeah. Because
41:06
like also imagine how uncomfortable glue on your head all
41:08
the time. But imagine the satisfaction of
41:10
having a beautiful hairstyle. Well,
41:13
yeah, I guess I think wigs
41:15
are fun though. So it's like, why not be bald and
41:17
like put on a wig and not just glue it down?
41:19
Yeah. Yeah. I think
41:21
it's the, they don't, they really want to keep it secret.
41:23
They don't want to be open about it. Well, when you
41:25
see a guy with the toupee to meet, remember that scene
41:27
in Austin Powers where he's like, moly, moly, moly. And he like,
41:29
can't I talk about them all? When I
41:31
noticed the hair is fake, the
41:34
guy, whoever, the he, the he, they is talking
41:36
to me, whoever, and they're nodding and
41:38
talking to me. And I'm like, whatever
41:40
they're saying, I can't hear and all I can think of
41:42
is grabbing it. Like pulling it. Or
41:45
just like pulling it down over their eyes. Yeah. Wait,
41:48
do you guys think I could go full blonde and want to
41:50
change everything for me? I think it would be a huge disaster.
41:53
Well, I think you're so gorgeous. Well, I
41:55
actually feel like I used to think like,
41:57
Oh, blonde would be everything, but I got.
41:59
I got a couple blonde highlights and I
42:02
actually look better darker. Mama, you're better.
42:04
I love your hair. Oh, thank you. That means a lot
42:06
to me. I think darker the better for me. Stunning brunettes.
42:08
That's what we need in this world. Yeah,
42:11
we need more brunettes. You always do your own
42:13
glam, the makeup. No, but
42:15
today I did. Does it look good? Yeah,
42:17
it looks great. I feel like your personal style
42:19
with the makeup, when did you start doing
42:21
the wing? When did you like start doing that? I will
42:23
say, looking at old videos,
42:26
people thought my makeup being bad was part
42:28
of the character. They'd
42:30
be like, oh my God, the makeup, the
42:33
makeup's not, I had this on today and it
42:35
was pretty bad. You should hear the shit drag
42:37
queens say to us about the things we wear and
42:39
do. I love how you just go out wearing anything,
42:41
girl. You're so courageous. You're
42:44
so funny. Are they kind of, I
42:46
was gonna ask, I'm not good at roast
42:48
jokes. Is that kind of what they're doing
42:51
there? It's an unintentional, it's a backhanded
42:53
compliment. Heavy on the backhand. You
42:55
come out in a gown, beat a gown, you're
42:57
like, I'm this thing. And somebody goes, you are
42:59
hilarious. And you go, oh, okay,
43:01
good. There was someone that did that to
43:03
me and Hannah. I won't say who,
43:05
but at a photo shoot, she kept being like, oh
43:08
my God, you two are so funny. We were
43:10
like trying to model and they were like, you
43:12
guys don't even have to do anything and you're
43:14
cracking my ass up. And we
43:17
literally looked gorgeous. I was
43:19
like, I don't even know what we're doing wrong. And
43:21
they shoot, at one point she was like, oh,
43:23
come on, don't do that, Meg. And
43:26
I was literally posing. You're
43:29
like, and they're like, girl,
43:31
stop. You're doing too much. I'm just doing
43:34
normal face for once. And I'm like, so
43:38
I get that. Do you like doing photo shoots? I
43:40
do, but I like it when it's-
43:43
It's really good. Because you're gonna
43:45
have to do it for a long time. So if you hate that-
43:47
I do like it. I like it, but I don't want
43:49
it to be funny photo shoot. I just want it to
43:51
be hot. You don't want a carry in your mouth. I'm
43:53
not trying to be like, pfft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like
43:55
the cover of your comedy book.
44:00
Right. Yeah. Right. That's how we feel. We don't
44:02
ever in the picture are like, you know what
44:04
face I hate? Like in drag when it's always
44:06
like that. I can't describe it as anything but
44:08
like a brunch drag face like it's
44:11
like, it's like, like I hate that
44:13
shit. You never do that, though. You
44:15
always do. She does this. Yeah.
44:18
Or sometimes with the mouth open. I
44:20
struggle to find sexy every single time. I have
44:22
no one always looks sexy. It's
44:25
always a struggle out there. It's
44:27
so bad. This is my sister. I love
44:29
her. She walks out there. Doesn't
44:32
know what a camera is. She takes out her. They.
44:39
I start banging it against the table during a. Are you
44:41
trying to. No, but I just don't know what I'm doing.
44:44
And panic. She goes and go. I don't know what
44:46
to do. I literally I'm like, I did the drag.
44:49
I have the hair on. That's like I did it
44:51
now. What? Yeah. I don't know how to do it.
44:54
Do they do the fans for your long hair? Do you like I
44:57
do like when they do that? It makes me
44:59
feel I get like really into it. I really
45:01
do like a photo shoot. It's fun. Do you
45:03
ever get like a really gay photographer who's like,
45:05
yes, bitch, you fucking bitch. You're such a bitch.
45:08
I actually don't know if I've had that. Do you
45:10
get the gay? I wouldn't mind that. I like that.
45:12
It's great energy. Oh, if it's too much, then it
45:14
makes me like, wait, wait, he's kidding. He's like laughing
45:16
at me. Yeah. Do you get the gay guys yelling
45:18
crazy shit at you? Hi,
45:20
gay. Yeah. I think
45:22
hi, gay. Unavoidable. Though lately when people
45:24
ask for a picture, I'm a little
45:26
bit more distant because I think before
45:28
I would talk and it like, um,
45:31
it would be like, uh, I'd feel bad
45:33
for whoever I was with. Sure. Yeah. So
45:35
now I feel like I'm like, it's
45:39
because I don't want to be rude to the
45:41
person I'm with, not because I don't want to
45:43
say hi. If I was alone, I would be
45:45
saying hi, but I feel so awkward now because
45:47
I'll be like quiet and just take the picture
45:50
and I seem like a bitch, but I actually
45:52
feel bad for whoever I'm with. Yeah. Do people
45:54
get really specific? Like, can you do that? Yogurt
45:56
thing or like, you know, can you do that?
45:58
Like ask for a bit or something? People ask
46:00
like. Like if it's an interview, then they'll be
46:02
like, can you say hi guy into the camera?
46:05
Sometimes. They want you to start the video with like,
46:07
yeah. But people don't really come up to me that
46:09
much. Really? What I
46:11
really understand is when you're with someone, can I
46:13
explain it, but when the person who wants the
46:15
picture leaves, you feel like, sorry. You feel like
46:17
you were rude to your friend. I'm so embarrassed
46:19
too. I feel embarrassed. It's in public. Because
46:22
people don't know who I am at
46:24
the airport. They're like, who the fuck
46:26
is that old fag? Like why is that person famous? You know
46:29
what I mean? It feels like embarrassing.
46:31
Have you ever gotten this? Sometimes like an airplane, if someone
46:33
like, he was a flight attendant, you know, we'll come up
46:35
to the celebrities, whatever. And the
46:37
flight attendant will say hi whatever and take a
46:39
picture. And then the someone's uncle who's in
46:41
the seat next to you goes, all
46:43
right, who are you? And
46:47
they're kind of rude about it. And the guy
46:49
did that to me. He's like, so what do
46:51
you do? Because they
46:53
recognize you. Yeah, because the flight attendant is like, oh
46:55
my God, it's like they were freaking out. Are you
46:57
gonna fuck me? We're so happy
46:59
on this flight. You know, the crazy.
47:02
And then. It is embarrassing. I'm getting read just
47:04
thinking about it. It is embarrassing. I hate
47:06
it. I had a, I used to do these
47:09
Instagram lives during COVID where I'd like be dressed
47:11
as like a flight attendant for an hour and
47:14
like just be alone and like losing my mind. And
47:16
there was a flight attendant one and there was
47:18
a couple flight attendants once that came up to
47:20
me and was like, we were all watching your
47:22
video, which is embarrassing. Cause I was pretending to
47:24
be their job for like an hour.
47:27
It wasn't like smart. Like it wasn't
47:29
like. They're mad about the representation. They're like, we're
47:31
not really like that. Yeah, I was worried about
47:34
the representation. We don't serve hot nuts anymore, you
47:36
bitch. Do the massage or Cairo people love you
47:38
doing that? I've never met
47:40
a massager. Thank God. Oh, I
47:43
love when you massage these bitches. You know, I don't
47:45
meet massagers cause I don't really get massages cause they
47:47
kind of scare me. I'm worried that they're going to
47:50
crack my back and I'm going to be like not
47:52
able to walk. Don't go to
47:54
a chiropractor, baby. I never will. Not even
47:56
if someone was forcing me to. The drag
47:58
race queens love to exchange. for like a
48:00
skin treatment or a fake tooth or whatever
48:02
they're doing. They will do like a, I
48:05
love Dr. Meyer and he made me feel so
48:07
comfortable. And then it's a video of that drag
48:09
queen you love getting her face ripped off. It's
48:11
crazy. Or her ankles hobbled with a mallet. I
48:13
can't tell how many of these fucking, these cross
48:15
dressers, these crossies, I've seen laid on some table
48:17
getting their neck like. I hate that.
48:19
Did you do that? Get the neck cracked?
48:21
No, mama. And if I do, I'm gonna pay for it and
48:23
not put it on the internet. I just did it. Free
48:26
of charge. I don't ever want anyone to crack me.
48:28
I don't want it. You put the neck at
48:30
the speed and they're like, they're gonna twist your head right
48:32
off. Well, crack kills. Great. Didn't
48:34
you say, I mean, not to be a
48:36
super fan, but didn't you say on the
48:39
podcast that you said something about,
48:42
that you saw in the news that they
48:44
were gluing teeth into people's mouths? Conde,
48:47
I saw it on the news. I started watching the
48:49
news during my break. And you said chiropractors aren't real.
48:51
You said that. No, no, no, they're real. You
48:53
said that. You said that. No, they're
48:55
real. They're just not doctors. Certified? I'm a
48:57
doctor. An osteopath who she said is also fake.
49:00
No, no, no, no, no, not fake. It's just
49:02
not good. So
49:04
the osteopath told me chiropractors have like a third of the
49:06
training of an osteopath. It's like, that's so scary. He said,
49:08
listen, I'm not a doctor and they have like a third
49:10
of my training. So what do you think? It's like, damn.
49:12
The woman who sells leggings in Santee Alley could do a
49:14
better, just a sort of a job, like cracking your neck.
49:17
I got one of those wheel things. You lay
49:19
on the back of the rollers. That's like a,
49:21
that's free chiropractic, you know? Hell yeah. But I
49:23
saw on the news, this guy in his house
49:25
had a dentist chair and he was telling these
49:27
women like, hey, it's $2,800, whatever. You
49:30
fly down to Florida. I teach a few of you at
49:32
a time how to install veneers. He's
49:36
not a dentist, and neither are they. Do they know
49:38
how to carve the teeth down? You know, with the like
49:40
shark teeth? No, they would take
49:42
like a polymer stuff, whatever, and sculpt
49:44
it onto the tooth and then cure
49:46
it. And then because it's, they're
49:48
not dentists, it's illegal to do medical work
49:51
on people. And I know you do that.
49:54
I'm allowed to do medical work on people if I'm
49:56
pretending to be a doctor. It's on Instagram. But I'm
49:58
not saying I'm a real doctor. and they are,
50:00
right? But I show you
50:02
how to operate on my own friends. I
50:05
agree. How are people that stupid and also how
50:07
much, how does stupid people have that much initiative?
50:09
But why do people even wanna put veneers on
50:11
people unless you were a dentist? Because they're like,
50:13
oh, you pay this flat rate and then you
50:16
make money. It's like, make your own hours. There's
50:18
easier ways than there to make money. Yeah, selling
50:20
leggings. Just get rich or die.
50:22
Do you know my worst boyfriend worked
50:25
for the Lulu-Roo place? Lulu-Roo. Lulu-Roo,
50:27
sorry. That documentary of the really
50:29
bad leggings. That are like
50:31
moldy leggings. He used to do the designs and
50:33
they were so clean. Yes.
50:36
What other horrible traits did he have?
50:38
Oh, he wore fake eyeglasses so he'd
50:40
stand out more in an improv group.
50:42
Like to be the glasses guy. Love
50:44
that shit. Yeah, he was really, really
50:46
annoying. I wish we had here. You know,
50:48
improv shit, they have like a wig wall. Wig
50:51
wall. Like bad wigs. You just put them on
50:53
and now I'm this train conductor. They
50:55
do that in an improv factory. Yeah,
50:58
I remember at Comedy Sports Milwaukee there's
51:00
like a box of wigs. You just grab the wig, now
51:02
I'm the babysitter. Cause sometimes wigs make people feel like now
51:04
I'm a new character. But don't you have, you have a
51:06
bunch of wigs. Yeah, but they're all tricksy wigs. Yeah. Oh.
51:10
You have to have a box of random wigs that's
51:12
like right at the front door of your apartment. So
51:14
I want like homely wigs. You should get, you should
51:16
get some and wear them around. I
51:20
am bald. It is my nice thing about being bald. You
51:22
can put on a helmet or a hat or a wig
51:24
and then it's not a hat hair reveal. Yeah. Wait,
51:27
say that again. What do you have here? And you wear like
51:29
a bike helmet then you have a dent in your hair. Oh
51:31
yeah. I just have a dent in my skull. Well,
51:34
you know, I can't really wear hats. It gives
51:36
me a headache. Even a hat like how you're
51:38
wearing it. Even a soft plushie? Yes, I don't
51:40
know what it, I think it's more like, I
51:42
can't really wear sunglasses that give me a headache.
51:44
It must be like a pressure point thing. How
51:46
old are you? How old do you
51:48
think? Do you guess? I think you look,
51:51
you look extremely very young. Wow.
51:55
How old did you think? No,
51:58
come on. You could easily pass for 20. I think
52:00
so. You look like a teeny little girl.
52:02
Well, sometimes I will be like, can I still play like
52:04
a 21 year old? Cause I want to be able to
52:06
play that. I think so. Right. Absolutely. You're
52:08
34. Thank you. You can play a junior in high school.
52:10
Really? Yup. Okay.
52:13
Sophomore even. That makes me feel good. Cause I don't
52:15
want to give up those rules yet. Yeah. Fuck
52:18
those kids who are so hungry for them. Yeah. Do
52:21
you think you would have been a good Disney like child
52:23
actor? I wanted to so bad act when I was little
52:25
and I think it's really good. I didn't, I
52:27
was actually really about it in person. I
52:30
was like 22 and I would come out in the scenes and
52:34
like kill everyone or like, like Michael Scott. Yes. I was like
52:36
Michael Scott. Oh my God. He always has
52:38
a gun. You drag out your dog. I think I was always,
52:41
I always felt like I was funny, but I don't think
52:43
I like wanted to follow the rules. And
52:45
I wasn't like a experienced enough to not do it.
52:48
Have you ever seen the comeback? I
52:50
love it's my favorite show. So she does improv member
52:52
and her friend is like, I work in
52:55
a cave and she's like, I have cancer cancer cancer cancer
52:57
cancer cancer cancer. I
52:59
have cancer. Yeah. And
53:01
the instructors like there's some things that don't just
53:03
play as funny. Love that shit. I
53:05
always went for the joke. I didn't care how many times
53:07
the teacher told me not to. I
53:10
know I did it. The first three sessions
53:12
I did in private, like I had to
53:14
consciously not say AIDS. So
53:17
you wanted to be the Michael Scott. I just
53:19
wanted to scream AIDS. It's not funny though. And
53:21
it just took a while for
53:23
me to not to get that.
53:25
But y'all are like comedians. Don't you feel?
53:28
No. You feel
53:30
like you're your models, but also like, don't you
53:32
feel like you're comedians? And if you were a
53:34
comedian or improviser, you'd be a comedian. I would
53:36
never call myself a comedian. Well, we met you
53:38
at a comedy festival. A lot of times I
53:40
do feel like we are the funny. We're the
53:42
special interest hire. We're sort of the,
53:44
we get hired for our looks and sometimes we're
53:46
funny. And we get to meet
53:48
comedians. We like, like you like comics and Santa
53:50
people. And we feel like, oh
53:52
my God, we met them. Can't believe we're here.
53:55
Cause we only meet other comics, like how many
53:57
people at stuff like that? Really? Cause that's how
53:59
we feel about. You all are like the stars.
54:01
You're like the headliners. To
54:04
what? For that festival that I
54:06
went, I saw you at, you were
54:08
like the headliners. But that was, I think they
54:10
went bankrupt. They
54:12
did. You were like the stars, Stop
54:14
saying that, we're gonna get, so we're gonna start killing people. I
54:17
think like we could, we've each
54:19
done like one woman shows, like model arts and
54:22
stand up and stuff, it's not like, like on
54:24
a weeknight in LA, we're not like going to
54:26
do a set. And I can't do set up
54:28
punchline, I don't know how to do that. I
54:31
don't know how to do it. You're just so naturally funny. No, I'm
54:33
just gorgeous. And gorgeous. And sometimes it gets
54:35
funny. But that's the thing you all also,
54:37
you're of course gorgeous, both of you. But
54:39
also you're so naturally funny. And in improv,
54:41
I guess a lot of comedians do improv,
54:43
but when you're learning improv, they're telling
54:45
you not to go for the joke. Like
54:47
it's not about being funny. Like, it's about
54:49
like creating this, the group
54:52
mind meld scene work.
54:54
Sounds like a Star Trek convention. Are the
54:56
leaders of these groups ever funny? It's
54:59
sort of like how in theater, the worst dressed people are
55:01
in costuming. You're like that
55:03
bitch is getting my outfit. She gets more
55:05
than you're talking about. And like
55:08
the improv instructors are like, well, been doing
55:10
it 40 years. Career
55:12
hasn't quite taken off yet though. I'm like, well. Yeah,
55:15
labor may shift to done your numbers. I had a teacher kick
55:17
me out of a show because I was being too funny,
55:20
like going for the joke. Too funny. I
55:22
wasn't doing a good job, but I
55:25
was doing stand up and he was like, you
55:27
can't keep doing stand up and then taking these
55:29
short form improv classes. Like either take mine or
55:31
you have to leave the show. And
55:33
then it was like, it was a Shakespeare
55:36
improv show and I didn't know Shakespeare and
55:38
I just wanted to perform so bad. Shakespeare
55:40
improv. It was so bad. I was really
55:42
bad. And I didn't know how to talk
55:44
like the Shakespeare people. I would just like
55:46
poison everyone in the show and like
55:49
try to be funny. So, who doth from out of town?
55:52
He made me leave. And my mom messaged him
55:54
and was like, you got rid
55:56
of rising star Megan Salter and me and my friends
55:58
are not coming back to. And he was
56:01
like, is this your mom? And I was like, yeah.
56:03
And I was like 22. He
56:06
was like, you need to have your mom apologize
56:08
or you can't take classes here anymore. I love
56:10
it. Is your family love watching on the TV
56:12
and all that? Yeah. That's good. You
56:14
have a role that's so good. Like you're not
56:17
like, you know, imagine, you know, like Margaret Qualley
56:19
often is just totally butt naked. It's
56:21
tough for a family to watch. So if somebody hadn't seen
56:23
the show, like tell them about your character, the people are
56:25
listening if they don't know. Okay.
56:28
What's your favorite thing about Kayla? Well,
56:30
I like that. There's that part where you're
56:32
like at this desk and you're like, I
56:34
have a phone. Gotcha. Boom. That
56:36
does sound like something I'd say in the show. It does,
56:38
several times. I know you haven't seen it, but that does
56:40
sound like it. I hope I don't want to flatter you,
56:42
but my only recollection of seeing it was you. Well,
56:45
that means a lot to me. And I'm telling the
56:47
cast, you said shut up. No, I mean, can I,
56:49
I got asked to come to the premiere and I
56:51
didn't know how I got on the list. And I
56:53
didn't go because I was like, I haven't seen it.
56:55
You're going to like it. And I'm going to feel
56:57
Hannah and Jean are so incredible. Me and Paul are
57:00
so funny. I'm literally doing like fan fiction porn of
57:02
hacks online and I can't get an invite or even
57:04
a retweet. You listen to the,
57:06
if you listen to the pod, you know she talks about hacks all
57:08
the time. I know that you, it means a lot to us that
57:10
you love hacks. And also I
57:12
have Damien, you know, what's
57:15
his name? What's
57:18
his name? Damien. Yes.
57:20
We were together in the celebrity
57:22
drag thing. Oh my God. Yeah.
57:25
Yes. He looks so hot in the
57:28
drag. And he's so hot as a guy and such
57:30
a great actor. Yes. He's so funny.
57:32
Hannah Einminder is such a fucking good
57:34
dramatic actor too. She is. And
57:36
that was like her first like acting job. I've
57:38
known her in standup for a long time, but
57:41
she's so good. Her and Jean are absolutely. It's
57:43
like, can you imagine you're what? 30 years old,
57:46
35. And you're like having
57:48
your first gig with this legend. I
57:50
think Hannah's only like 27. I feel like when she
57:52
started, she was like 25 maybe. Wow.
57:55
And she, they're so good together. It's crazy that
57:57
she's aged two years in that.
57:59
for the 10 year period. Yeah,
58:02
wait, how old is she? Hannah? I
58:04
feel like it started when she was 24, so she's probably like 28. Yeah,
58:06
that makes sense. Like Jean's like in her late
58:08
60s? She's so
58:11
powerful and like so funny. She's so fucking
58:13
funny. She was so good on SNL. She
58:16
was, she was so good. She's so good in everything.
58:18
She's been in everything. She's one of those people who
58:20
are like, wow, she's in everything. Also, she
58:23
was in Watchmen, Mary V's Town
58:25
and Hacks at the same time.
58:27
Yeah, what were they calling it? Gina Sans or
58:29
something? What were they calling it? It
58:32
should be more than that. It should be
58:34
like the Gina Geddon. Yeah. It's like so
58:36
fierce. She has such a full, big career.
58:39
Like she's always been able to work and I thought
58:41
she was the most beautiful and designing women not to
58:43
confirm a woman, but I love the bottom one, which
58:45
was her. I always feel bad mentioning how beautiful someone
58:47
is on TV because I feel like I only, you
58:49
know, men or women on TV, if they're hot, we
58:51
just puke it out. We're like gorgeous. Yeah. I'd
58:54
fuck them. If it's guys, we're like, I'd fuck them. I'd fuck them.
58:56
We should say that though. It's okay.
58:58
Not everyone is hot. No. And
59:01
ugly people should know their place. You know how like
59:03
everyone's like, everyone's beautiful, but they're not. But
59:07
that's okay. Like it's not that important. You
59:09
know? And you gotta be hot. It's okay.
59:12
Yeah. It's like, let the hot people be hot. There's so many
59:14
people in the room who are hot. No,
59:17
they're hot. Oh, hot, right. Yeah. Oh, that's the
59:19
new ugly hot thing. The ugly hot thing. Yeah.
59:22
Well, it's like, You can't, you can't
59:24
mention it. You can't mention it. Well, it's not,
59:26
it's, it's like, we
59:28
should be positive about people. Like everyone has something
59:30
to offer to the world, but not everyone is
59:32
hot. Like no one, not everyone needs to be.
59:34
Yeah. Like some people are hot and
59:36
funny like us. Right. Like the Christina Aguilera
59:39
song, I felt like gave a lot of people a bad, bad
59:41
impression or wrong impression. I am beautiful. No
59:43
matter what they say. It's like, well, we
59:46
shouldn't call people ugly, but some people are. Exactly.
59:50
Yeah. I think that's a good place to end. I think
59:52
that's a, I think that's a strong message. I
59:54
mean, I really agree. Everyone's gonna be mad at us for
59:56
saying that. Well, guess what?
59:58
It's not that important to be hot. you're kind. And
1:00:01
also, if you're offended, you're ugly. Yeah, of course.
1:00:04
But you know what? You have great socks. People
1:00:06
that are hot will be going, of course. Body
1:00:09
positive, I'm positive that not everyone
1:00:11
is hot. Right. I
1:00:13
am positive that your body is disgusting. But
1:00:16
it's not that important. No. I
1:00:19
brought you this piece of soap. Did
1:00:21
you really? No, you just got this. I
1:00:23
think I gifted it to you last week. I brought you some gum. Oh.
1:00:27
Wait, this is just a random thing. I can't
1:00:29
really have it right. I bought
1:00:31
that. For me. Come on. You didn't.
1:00:34
You bought it for me, didn't you? I bought it for you two weeks ago.
1:00:36
You guys are giving me the soap, so I stopped telling people that they're ugly.
1:00:38
But I just don't want... I
1:00:40
don't want my point to not get across. It
1:00:43
is not important. To be hot. To be hot.
1:00:45
It's important to be kind. Yes. To
1:00:47
take care of each other. To
1:00:50
know the Lord. Yes, I talk about God on
1:00:52
every podcast. It's not important to everyone to be
1:00:54
hot. Everyone's beautiful in their own way, of course.
1:00:56
Everyone's good. You're on my page, but
1:00:59
you're kind of like, oh, I'm gonna wear my edits for
1:01:01
this out. No, no, no, no, no.
1:01:03
I think y'all are hot and funny. And a lot
1:01:05
of people are hot and funny. I don't think you
1:01:07
have to be like... You know how people are like,
1:01:10
oh, funny people aren't hot. That's not true. Most people
1:01:12
that are funny to me are hot. I
1:01:14
feel like that about drag. I feel like even if your
1:01:17
main thing is comedy, you still should try to look good.
1:01:19
Yeah. I agree. I agree. Just
1:01:22
because you can tell a joke doesn't mean you need to
1:01:24
look like the cat's ass. But don't you feel like back
1:01:26
in the day, a little bit, like drag queens, if they
1:01:28
were comedy, it was horrible. Like shitty body, shitty body ain't
1:01:30
got no shape. You know what? You bring up a good
1:01:32
point because like doing your makeup
1:01:35
and dressing well can change someone that's
1:01:37
not that hot to hotter. Absolutely. I
1:01:39
go from Mr. Burns to Julia Roberts.
1:01:42
Yeah. Well, I think you're
1:01:44
always Julia Roberts. Thank you. Especially right now. But
1:01:46
I don't think I've always felt hot, but I
1:01:48
always felt beautiful. Everyone's beautiful. Not
1:01:50
everyone's hot. Well, what's the difference between hot and
1:01:52
beautiful? I think how you feel about yourself and
1:01:54
the way you're doing your hair and makeup. I
1:01:56
think I'm backtracking. I think you're... No,
1:02:01
honestly, I think being
1:02:04
categorically classically not
1:02:06
hot, beautiful or
1:02:08
whatever, isn't going to actually
1:02:10
stop you from people thinking you're hot. People
1:02:12
thinking you're hot has really nothing to do with you.
1:02:15
Oh, you could be hot and not beautiful. Right.
1:02:18
Oh, yeah. You could be someone classically
1:02:20
beautiful by the books. There's not that
1:02:22
many people that are like, whoa,
1:02:24
so stunning, but a lot of people are hot
1:02:26
because of the way they feel about themselves, carry
1:02:28
themselves. And then they are more beautiful. And
1:02:32
then there are people that are ugly and it doesn't matter. I
1:02:35
mean, I have fucked so many hot, ugly people. Oh
1:02:37
my God, of course. Yeah. I'm
1:02:40
actually not that well,
1:02:42
my girlfriend now is very traditionally gorgeous,
1:02:44
but I'm not like, you know,
1:02:47
like when I was dating men, I
1:02:49
was never attracted to like really built
1:02:51
like traditionally beautiful men. Like Glenn Powell
1:02:54
looks don't super every time I've had a like a boyfriend
1:02:56
in my life, I will say like, well, it's not super
1:02:58
matter to me. And they're always like, yeah,
1:03:01
great. So I'll just go with that. But
1:03:04
they don't matter to me that much. They
1:03:06
really don't know. But you're lying because you're
1:03:08
all of your boyfriends you have found extremely
1:03:10
hot and sexy. I guess. Yes,
1:03:12
I guess. Yeah. I want to
1:03:15
be attracted to them. My girlfriend now is really hot,
1:03:17
but I think it, but she has an amazing
1:03:19
personality. She's so funny. So it happened that way.
1:03:21
But like when I first started dating,
1:03:23
I wasn't dating like I was so just interested
1:03:25
in people's personalities. I wasn't dating like not
1:03:27
to say anything mean about you when I dated besides the
1:03:29
Lulu Roo guy. Was he
1:03:32
a heterosexual person? He was straight but
1:03:34
he designed leggings for Lulu Roo. He did
1:03:36
like the like
1:03:38
graphics, a graphics
1:03:40
for a straight scammy graphic
1:03:43
legging guy. He was so
1:03:45
annoying. Yeah, he was really annoying. But
1:03:47
he wasn't to me. I
1:03:50
wasn't like attracted to his like
1:03:52
his looks really. It was like more of the vibe.
1:03:54
When I first started dating, he was very like, I'm
1:03:57
going to take you out gorgeous. And I was like
1:03:59
really. so I thought that was like cool, I
1:04:01
guess. Did he become on the pod? Yeah.
1:04:04
Is he an adult? Do you think he's still single? You're
1:04:06
gonna have all your exes right in a consecutive row after
1:04:08
this. I will say something I've never said is he used
1:04:10
to date people that looked like his sister. Oh,
1:04:13
wow. Well, I think that's a good place to stop.
1:04:16
Miss Stalter. We're huge fans of incest here, and so are
1:04:18
you. Thanks for coming on the pod. I love you guys.
1:04:20
Love you so much. Wait, do you have a middle name?
1:04:22
Marie. Marie. I
1:04:24
love what you do. A lot of people have
1:04:26
Marie as their middle name. Marie or Elizabeth. Or
1:04:29
Elizabeth. so
1:04:31
I can say that I love everything you do. It means
1:04:33
a lot to me. I think you'll like it. I'm the
1:04:35
last person who hasn't seen it, so I'm ready to go.
1:04:38
You'll especially love her and Jimmy, the chemistry's electric. I always
1:04:40
think it'd be funny if they hooked up on the show.
1:04:43
Yes, or like you said, if you get shot at
1:04:45
the beginning of each episode, that'd be funny. But that's
1:04:47
you going for the joke. That'd be funny if I
1:04:49
get shot in the episode, but I don't want my
1:04:51
character to die. I want it to be like, it's
1:04:53
funny that she gets shot. She ends up in the
1:04:55
hospital, she's fine. But you remember an American
1:04:57
Horror Story? It's surprising. Yeah. The Horror
1:04:59
Story coven, Miss Cibide has that thing
1:05:01
where when she gets hurt, have a
1:05:03
Cibide person. Oh yeah. Maybe
1:05:05
you can have that with your character. Yeah, we
1:05:08
should introduce some sort of magic. Yeah, you're dead.
1:05:10
Hacks needs some supernatural lore. I think that'd be
1:05:12
so fun to do in season four. Hacks, yeah,
1:05:15
exactly. Thanks
1:05:18
for having me. Do you have anything
1:05:20
to promote? Well, let's see. Well, my
1:05:22
movie Cora Bora is out on Amazon,
1:05:25
and that's really exciting.
1:05:27
Well, congratulations on all your like, you
1:05:30
have enormous success. It's a hard, you're such a
1:05:32
down to earth, wonderful. And you're so pretty. I
1:05:34
don't know if that, we just circle people not,
1:05:36
but you're so pretty too. I know people would
1:05:39
be mad at what I said, but I'm actually
1:05:41
trying to bring awareness to it. It's not that
1:05:43
important. Your looks are not important. It's not the
1:05:45
important thing about you. No, the important thing is
1:05:47
the blue in the background. That's what's really important.
1:05:49
Okay, bye. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
1:05:59
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