0:02

Imagine, if you will,

0:05

that you are in

0:07

a place of great

0:09

beauty. Some teenage boys

0:11

walk past you. They

0:14

yell out, hey, bitch

0:16

tits. The world, you

0:18

see, is a place

0:21

of paradox, of beauty

0:23

and cruelty. It will

0:25

cut you off at

0:27

the knees. Then gift

0:30

you a bear of

0:32

easies. And that

0:35

my

0:38

friends

0:40

is

0:42

why you

0:45

always,

0:49

always,

0:51

need

0:54

a

0:56

backup.

0:59

Do you remember when Michael Jackson

1:01

used to jump up from

1:03

the stage? It was like

1:05

if that went wrong. And

1:07

there was something wrong with

1:09

the hydraulics, but I think

1:11

it looked cool. Kate Lanebrook

1:13

appeared from under the desk.

1:15

Oh my goodness. I cannot

1:17

wait to be bucked by

1:19

you, Kate. Oh, I am

1:21

going to give you a

1:23

deep bucking. I need to

1:25

be so bucked that all

1:27

our listeners are going to

1:29

be so satisfyingly and

1:32

deeply bucked. Oh, even

1:34

Sasha French, greatest producer

1:37

in the world. Hello.

1:39

She is going to be

1:42

bucked. You're up for a buck and

1:44

a lot. You're up for a buck

1:46

and a lot. I mean she has

1:48

a great life. Yeah, mate. So she's

1:50

constantly bucked up. What's a bucking? So

1:52

much bucking. It's good to buck. Buck

1:54

a lot when you're young. Get all

1:57

the bucking out of your system. I

1:59

don't know that's... Do you get it

2:01

out of your system? I don't

2:03

think so. Have I introduced you?

2:06

I don't know, have you? People

2:08

be like, who's this raving on?

2:10

This people, don't be disrespectful. This

2:13

is one of Australia's greatest comedians.

2:15

Oh wow, okay. The artist formerly

2:17

known as Nate Valvo. What an

2:20

intro. And this is the buck

2:22

up. I want to buck because

2:24

get this lull I get depression

2:27

every autumn. You get seasonal adjustment

2:29

and it's sad. I get sad.

2:31

It is so funny. It's too

2:34

early to get it. No I

2:36

got it. It's so late. It

2:38

comes like clockwork on the final

2:41

or when daylight saving swaps on

2:43

that Sunday last Sunday or the

2:46

Sunday when was it a week

2:48

or two week ago. Yes. Like

2:50

bang that day. I'm like melancholy.

2:53

Yeah, every year. And do you

2:55

know what? And I remember this

2:57

happening when we were living in

3:00

Italy, because the seasons are so

3:02

defined there. I'm not just casually

3:04

mentioning that I lived in Italy.

3:07

We should get a little jar.

3:09

We'd be able to afford to

3:11

go to Italy. Anyway, the seasons

3:14

are so properly defined. And one

3:16

day, I said, and because my

3:18

daughter at the time was going,

3:21

you know, and the kids were

3:23

all... you know, we're not going

3:25

to school, we're fighting for the

3:28

climate. Good on them. They're stopping

3:30

at Sapporo on the way and

3:32

at some, you know, disposable fashion

3:35

stored by a ship made out

3:37

of nylon. But yeah, fighting for

3:40

the climate. Anyway. Bring it on.

3:42

I said to my daughter one

3:44

day, oh, because literally when autumn

3:47

comes or spring comes or winter

3:49

comes, it's like that. You go

3:51

from the heat of no Italian

3:54

weather. And I said, gee, the

3:56

seasons work amazingly. Someone better call

3:58

Greta Thornburg. I see. Cook her

4:01

up. Please, when she says Greta,

4:03

we're cooking. When we're going to

4:05

Greta. And we're off. Even though

4:08

the iron is, is it Greta?

4:10

And we want to take the

4:12

gas off us. She want to

4:15

take the gas. One of my

4:17

favorite things in the world. My

4:19

actual season depression has just gone.

4:22

All I need to do is

4:24

mention Greta to Kate. She's like

4:26

a dog with a bone. delight

4:29

everybody. It's very funny. Obviously delights

4:31

everybody. I mean, but good. Except

4:33

her immediate family. You need you

4:36

need some more. We need greater

4:38

in the world. She? No. Do

4:41

you know what? I mean, you

4:43

know what? I think she's just

4:45

at school. She's not at school.

4:48

She's 40 now. in your mind.

4:50

She's not a fossil frozen in

4:52

time. I'm sorry Greta is not

4:55

40. How old's Greta please? She'd

4:57

be 23. Okay, she'd be at

4:59

uni. Protesting. How old is she?

5:02

22. Yeah, there you go. You

5:04

know what she is? She's half

5:06

of 44. She's um, she's... On

5:09

school is no too late for

5:11

that. She's at uni. Of course

5:13

she's at uni. She'll do Bachelor

5:16

of Arts, degrees, degrees, back to

5:18

back degrees. Climate degrees. Imagine having

5:20

her in your tutorial. I mean,

5:23

oh my goodness, she'd be like,

5:25

I have to take exception to

5:27

what you just said. That is

5:30

you cannot, you talked about seasonal

5:32

adjustment disordinate, but do you know

5:35

what will happen in 40 years?

5:44

and then you get kicked

5:47

down the class. She'll be

5:49

weeping in the corner. Well,

5:51

the seasons are definitely existing

5:54

in Australia, in Melbourne, autumn's

5:56

coming on thick, love it.

5:58

Oh, also hello to the

6:01

group of women. The other

6:03

night, who walked past me

6:06

and respectfully yelled out hullabaloo.

6:08

Oh hullabaloo! I love them!

6:10

Hullabaloo! My first hullabaloo in

6:13

the wild! So hello to

6:15

those women. I love it.

6:18

Do you think? Okay, now

6:20

I know we've discussed Kim

6:22

Kottrell, by the one, that's

6:25

her, that's her scating with

6:27

her then partner. I

6:33

mean you pulled up, she pulled

6:36

up the greater answer in seconds.

6:38

She did pull up greater. Yeah

6:40

she did, she pulled up greater,

6:42

which is a nice change because

6:45

greater is normally the one pulling

6:47

up people. Whoo! I can't remember.

6:49

Hang on, where were we? Oh,

6:51

hullabaloo, you got hullabaloo in the

6:54

wild. Yeah, yeah, then you went

6:56

to say something. Oh, did I?

6:58

And then you got distracted, going

7:00

back to bullying, Greta, again. But

7:03

hang on, he interrupted my bullying

7:05

of Greta with my bullying of

7:07

Sarge. I can't keep up with

7:09

the bully. You're a bully and

7:12

you've got ADDD. What? What's the

7:14

difference between ADD and ADHD? I

7:16

don't know. I don't care. I

7:18

don't care. I don't care. I

7:21

don't care. No, who cares? Every

7:23

podcast is talking about that. Well,

7:25

why haven't we listened to one

7:27

and learnt? We can't be taught.

7:30

What about the comments on our

7:32

beautiful glorious podcast? Oh, I don't

7:34

read comments because they might make

7:36

me even more depressed. Well, I

7:39

didn't know we got them. Okay,

7:41

maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't

7:43

read you. So bad listening to

7:45

you too. I bring it on.

7:48

I think, okay. You were together.

7:50

I knew you'd want it. I

7:52

like when we sink together. Okay.

7:54

I'm in hospital recovering from abdominal

7:57

surgery. So bad listening to you

7:59

too. That barely laughing hurts so

8:01

much. I had to stop listening

8:03

just in case my shoes exploded.

8:06

Oh, we're bad. Oh, that's a

8:08

nice message. I know, tricked you.

8:10

What's the person's name? Mez. Mez.

8:12

Hello, Mez. Hope you're on the

8:15

men, Mez. Do you know? Once.

8:17

At a hospital, good to go.

8:19

So, um... One of my art,

8:21

my number three, was born in

8:24

February. When's the comedy festival? March,

8:26

April. Exactly. So my first outing

8:28

after I had him was to

8:30

the comedy festival. And afterwards, so

8:33

had a great night, I can't

8:35

remember what comedian, we saw like

8:37

three comedians in a night, excited

8:39

to be out of the house.

8:42

It's a big commitment. I got

8:44

a hernia. Because I literally. split

8:46

my sides laughing. What a compliment

8:48

though! What a compliment! Only I

8:51

could remember what comedians I saw

8:53

to tell them. To tell them

8:55

that. Because you know, I didn't

8:57

know this when you have a

9:00

cesarean. That's a post-a quote. Yeah,

9:02

they stick you back up. I

9:04

didn't know they totally separate everything.

9:06

Obviously to get the bebby out.

9:09

Point to me where the hernia

9:11

is. So the hernia was, where

9:13

was it sash, about there? Around

9:15

your belly button? Around my belly

9:18

button, I was in the shower,

9:20

but there's also a scar down

9:22

there. So there must open you

9:24

up like a CEDX package. Did

9:27

they call it a sunroof? Yeah,

9:29

the sunroof. Delivery or something? But

9:31

it opens like that, obviously. I

9:33

didn't even look. Oh, some people

9:36

do you know? Some people love

9:38

to know what's going on. I'm

9:40

like, I don't want to know.

9:43

They asked you. I went, I

9:45

don't want to look and I

9:47

don't want my husband to look

9:49

to see my insides. Yeah. I

9:52

mean, yeah. I know. Who would

9:54

want that? You know, some people

9:56

have got a, or doctors, they

9:58

love to look. I think they

10:01

have to. The surgeons, they couldn't

10:03

get in there enough. Anyway, so

10:05

it does happen, Valvo. It does

10:07

happen. What was I telling you?

10:10

I don't know, who you're bullying

10:12

this time. Oh, sorry, you went

10:14

to the comedy festival, you got

10:16

a hernia. Yes, but my time's

10:19

laughing. This feedback from a bucket

10:21

was in with something. No. Do

10:23

you want Kim control's husband? Oh

10:25

my goodness. As we would have

10:28

said in grade 5, wake up

10:30

Australia and she hurts. Look at

10:32

her. Wake up. Why don't people

10:34

say that anymore? It was a

10:37

good one. Such a good one.

10:39

Mark Levenson and they divorced. Oh

10:41

no. 2004. Oh no! Hello, blue.

10:43

So that's the one from the

10:46

jazz video. Yes. Do you think

10:48

they're divorced because of the she

10:50

dogs or the he dogs? What

10:52

do you reckon? Get a copy

10:55

of the divorce paper, we'll look

10:57

under reason. Oh, I'm so devastated

10:59

for her. She's okay. Was that

11:01

the same time? Of? The... The...

11:04

The... The... Maybe... Anyway, whatever. She's

11:06

left us with her greatest legacy.

11:08

If she does nothing else in

11:10

her extraordinary artistic life, that is

11:13

more than enough. Surray! D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D how

11:15

blissful it is. The, oh it's

11:17

so good, the roads getting here

11:19

tonight, a breeze, it's just, there's

11:22

so many positive to school holidays,

11:24

but the tone of voice in

11:26

all of my friends that have

11:28

school-aged children, yes, just like this

11:31

crack, yes, their eyes. Yeah, it's

11:33

just, it's a lot. It's so

11:35

far. It's a lot. It's like

11:37

you forget that when you have

11:40

the kids that, oh, you've got

11:42

to actually see them for six

11:44

weeks a year, not at school.

11:46

That is the role of schools.

11:49

Just to get them out of

11:51

your hair? To indoctrinate them and

11:53

get them out of your hair.

11:55

That's it. We're cooking that's it.

11:58

Well it depends if you're sort

12:00

of an activity person and if

12:02

your parents work So if you

12:04

when school holidays come around one

12:07

of my favorite things is you'll

12:09

just see random things like you'll

12:11

see a truck driver and there'll

12:13

be a boy and a boy

12:16

is a 10 year old boy

12:18

yeah with a high vis vest

12:20

on this too so angry I

12:22

don't know who looks at the

12:25

dad or the son but I

12:27

think both kind of like it

12:29

you know it depending on what

12:31

the worky And anyone who works

12:34

in an office, there's always someone

12:36

who's brought some droopy nose kid

12:38

that's sitting in the corner on

12:40

an iPad. You know, school holidays

12:43

to me, a lot of days,

12:45

non is dropped off in the

12:47

morning. From just, Natala on toast

12:49

all day. Food, plastic on the

12:52

thing on everything. I'd watch the

12:54

daytime TV shows with it. Yeah,

12:56

yeah, yeah, yeah. Go in the

12:58

backyard, non-aw would yell at us

13:01

because we'd want to get on

13:03

the garden, he'd scream. Oh yeah,

13:05

you'd ruin the plants. The vegetables

13:07

that he was growing, go down

13:10

a bikely square, food shopping for

13:12

a couple hours. Would you give

13:14

him money? No, you know, just

13:16

that was, that was, that's a

13:19

core school holiday memory. Okay, so

13:21

my husband. child whose grandparents were

13:23

overseas. Okay. I don't know why

13:25

you're staring at me like I've

13:28

got an issue with that. What

13:30

did your daddy's? The most intense

13:32

I have ever seen your face.

13:35

I just sometimes, you know I'm

13:37

in the mood. You got new

13:39

dark hair and you're a new

13:41

person. It's too dark. I like

13:44

it. I'm a bit more Tisha

13:46

Adams. You've gone full goth. I

13:48

thought I was off. Autumn has

13:50

made me emo and you went

13:53

to a goth. Oh my goodness.

13:55

I like it though. We've got

13:57

to go to for a walk

13:59

so the only surviving comic shop.

14:02

You keep saying it's too dark

14:04

but didn't you choose it. But

14:06

didn't you choose it. Didn't you

14:08

choose it. Didn't you choose it.

14:11

Or did you say to the

14:13

person, just do what you want?

14:15

No, I didn't choose it. I

14:17

like it. I like brown. I

14:20

think it looks good. It's nice.

14:22

Thank you, you're very kind. A

14:24

dark, you know what it is?

14:26

It's 70%, it's 70%, it's 70%,

14:29

it's 70% cocoa, it's dark. And

14:31

you know what I want it

14:33

to be, a little bit more

14:35

curly whirling. Okay, just a little

14:38

bit. Okay, so, so, speaking of

14:40

none of none of the things

14:42

we were just speaking of the

14:44

things we were just speaking of

14:47

the things we were just speaking

14:49

of the things we were just

14:51

speaking here. So last, actually it

14:53

was, it was a prey the

14:56

hairdresser last week. I went down

14:58

to the beach with my girlfriend

15:00

Carla and both of us were

15:02

like, we need to get out

15:05

of town. I had half a

15:07

week off just before school holidays,

15:09

get out there. Okay, so Carla

15:11

and I went, we want to

15:14

go early, the day got away

15:16

for it. Anyway, we went down

15:18

to the little cottage by the

15:20

sea. It's stunning. I haven't been

15:23

there yet. The fibro cottage. Right?

15:25

It's beautiful. The one that you

15:27

keep telling me, like, that hasn't

15:29

got electricity in stuff. No, it's

15:32

got electricity. Okay. But it doesn't

15:34

have town water or town gas

15:36

or sewage or rubbish collection. It's

15:38

nearly off the grid. I'm not

15:41

going. I'm not going. I'm not

15:43

going. But it's so beautiful, isn't

15:45

it, Sash? The best. Any location

15:47

that involves you going to town

15:50

for something? There's no town. The

15:52

sky. Do

16:00

you know what? I don't understand

16:02

why gay men have the reputation

16:04

they have. I just, you know

16:06

what you've confirmed, my theory. Go

16:08

on. This is my theory. Oh,

16:10

here we go. Gay people, listen

16:13

up, here she comes. Okay, so

16:15

you know how? I'm going to

16:17

hover my finger on the cancel

16:19

button. So you know how, you

16:21

know how, you know how, how

16:23

gay men. talk about how they

16:25

grew up in the country. What

16:27

are they talking about? How they

16:30

had to leave town. And they're

16:32

always like, I had to get

16:34

out of town. And there's always

16:36

like, you know, maybe they were

16:38

bullied or maybe they were just

16:40

like, those town didn't understand me,

16:42

I had to get out. And

16:44

having just spent four days in

16:46

the country, I actually realize it's

16:49

because they couldn't do any of

16:51

the shit associated with country living.

16:53

Like you, where's the water coming

16:55

from? Oh my gosh. He's not

16:57

wrong. And it's quite brilliant. I

16:59

mean, I'm the same. I couldn't.

17:01

It was, okay. It's not a

17:03

match made in heaven. The regions

17:06

and the gays. All right, but

17:08

some of my gay friends are

17:10

very capable. I'm sure I'd be

17:12

capable once I got there. You

17:14

know Nick and Kanye. Yeah. They're

17:16

so capable. They're always putting up

17:18

10. Yeah, but one of them's

17:20

a event designer. So they're used

17:23

to like doing things from scratch.

17:25

Like Cody, I thought he'd be

17:27

capable. He goes camping every year

17:29

with the family up. Oh, well,

17:31

yeah. He'd love it down there.

17:33

As I said, we've been together

17:35

for 11 years. I have never

17:37

gone camping with his family. And

17:39

yet you're so camp. I'm in

17:42

the irony. She's done it. Wow!

17:44

Look at that! Anyway, I've never

17:46

stepped foot, anywhere near a tent.

17:48

It's really lovely. The only times

17:50

I've camped is when I was

17:52

in my 20s and we go

17:54

to Falls Festival every year for

17:56

three days. And we'd camp and

17:59

rough it, but there was so

18:01

much chemical support that I could

18:03

handle it. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

18:05

And I understand and I never

18:07

used to be into nature at

18:09

all. And I've realized I still

18:11

am not. And I tell you

18:13

what happened. in the country. I've

18:16

seen the picks. Yeah and it's

18:18

beautiful and it's looks across to

18:20

a place called Wilson's Proming Victoria

18:22

which is a really stunning natural

18:24

prom. Anyway but because it's in

18:26

the country and it's an old

18:28

fibre house so sometimes there's like

18:30

wildlife incursions there's always you see

18:32

wallobies and these wombats. Yeah and

18:35

you see you have square poo

18:37

in the yard because a womat's

18:39

been there. I hope you don't

18:41

separate the womat baby from the

18:43

womat mum. would do that. Who

18:45

would do that? American. Yeah, mole.

18:47

I think that's, I think people

18:49

are just too. Here we go.

18:52

You're going to support her. No,

18:54

I'm not. It was, but also

18:56

how did she know? She doesn't

18:58

know you don't do that. So

19:00

hang on, you're telling me there's

19:02

animals in the world that love

19:04

it when you steal their child.

19:06

Well, she's driving down. There's a

19:08

lot of wildlife. Right, and I

19:11

love my husband, you know, he's

19:13

always got a positive view about

19:15

things, which is, when you see

19:17

Roadkill, which is so upsetting, and

19:19

then he'll say, but, darling, it

19:21

does tell you that there's a

19:23

lot of them around. I'm like,

19:25

oh, that's a nice way to

19:28

look at what is a terrible

19:30

situation, right? I think about that

19:32

next time I drive past like

19:34

a cemetery. Well sure, as my

19:36

mum would say, people are dying

19:38

to get in there. Anyway, so

19:40

you go down there and sometimes

19:42

the unexpected things happen, like friends

19:45

of ours have got a place

19:47

down there, they got a bird

19:49

stuck, flew down the chimney when

19:51

they weren't there. That's why we

19:53

always shut all the internal doors.

19:55

And there's these native rats, dancing

19:57

rats, which when you see them

19:59

are cute-looking, but still, they have

20:01

the name rat in them. But

20:04

dancing rats, but all the gays

20:06

left the regions. Gay rats. Well,

20:08

you know, what are they called?

20:10

Dancing rat? Well, it's a native

20:12

rat and it dances. Like on

20:14

its back, it's cute. Anyway, but

20:16

still. I get up. How's the

20:18

book going? Shut up. Anyway, so

20:21

I get up early one morning.

20:23

I'm woken by guilt because what

20:25

have I gone down there to

20:27

do? I don't know. Writing. Oh,

20:29

how's the book going? Yeah, shut

20:31

up. Anyway, good, but I get

20:33

up to work. So I but

20:35

I have got up early and

20:38

I'm sitting there and it's small

20:40

so I'm next to the like

20:42

gas cooktop and then there's an

20:44

old oven built into the wall

20:46

and it's so old it's actually

20:48

great oven it only has two

20:50

settings like hellfire and refrigerator off

20:52

yeah that's right so and it's

20:54

so old it's actually just the

20:57

front of its pokes through the

20:59

wall and the rest of it

21:01

hangs outside which is quite good

21:03

for cooking summer that inside of

21:05

the cottage doesn't get hot all

21:07

the heats blasting outside right anyway

21:09

I think can I smell gas

21:11

or something made me look over

21:14

and I saw half a mouse

21:16

and I saw half a mouse

21:18

and I saw half a mouse

21:20

hanging from the bottom of the

21:22

stove and it was like it

21:24

was bungee jumping because its head

21:26

and its little hands were out

21:28

and it was sort of swinging

21:30

like these but I'm like where's

21:33

the other half of it oh

21:35

it's stuck it's jammed in the

21:37

oven alive alive because it was

21:39

sort of off oven off it's

21:41

first thing in the morning and

21:43

I was like oh no and

21:45

also what am I going to

21:47

do like I watched it I

21:50

watched it for a couple of

21:52

minutes hoping it was an issue

21:54

that would resolve itself that would

21:56

drop to the floor and that

21:58

would scattle off and it didn't.

22:00

Okay. And it just stayed there.

22:02

It was like it was pink

22:04

at a concert. Just on a

22:07

track, just swaying. Popping off. Popping

22:09

off getting the party started. Off

22:11

she goes. off you go pink.

22:13

And so I called Carla my

22:15

girlfriend and she came out and

22:17

I realized she's useless. In the

22:19

regions. Come on country woman. I

22:21

don't know, driver's wife. So I

22:23

said to Carla what should we

22:26

do? I don't know what to

22:28

do and she went turn the

22:30

off and on. I'm like what?

22:32

It would take an hour and

22:34

be, what are we going to

22:36

incinerate the hind quarters of the

22:38

poor mouse that's hung there? The

22:40

poor men's in there anyway. Oh

22:43

my goodness, it was so horrendous.

22:45

I really had to. May I

22:47

quote Shakespeare? I think this Henry

22:49

V. I had to screw my

22:51

courage to the sticking place. And

22:56

I had to, I grabbed, I

22:58

know, I grabbed a pair of

23:00

tongs, I'm like, what can I

23:02

do? And this was one of

23:04

the most horrendous things I've ever

23:06

done. This, but to have a

23:08

happy ending. I had to, I

23:10

had to, I had to, I

23:12

had to get his little, it

23:15

was surgical. I had to squeeze

23:17

his little tummy and I tried

23:19

to go above his tummy, sort

23:21

of to his hip, where his

23:23

hips was. It was terrible. It

23:25

was like a forceps delivery and

23:27

I had to pull it. It

23:29

was terrible. It's just terrible. Can

23:31

you imagine me? First thing in

23:34

the morning. Yeah, he's still alive.

23:36

He's wiggling and I'm trying to

23:38

talk to him going, don't be

23:40

scared, but at the same time

23:42

I'm terrified of him. I'm terrified.

23:44

Don't be scared. And I had

23:46

to give him a good tug.

23:48

Yeah. To get him out. He

23:50

was really wedged in the hinge

23:53

in the hinge of the oven

23:55

door, so he gave him. And

23:57

then he was wiggling his hands,

23:59

took him out and threw him

24:01

in the neighbour's bushes. But he

24:03

lived! He lived! A long and

24:05

happy regional life! But he'd be,

24:07

you know what? He would have

24:09

bred 10 generations by now. That

24:12

was on the weekend. I'm never

24:14

going near that house. But you're

24:16

right about the country living, because

24:18

I remember a couple of years

24:20

ago, I was out to prove

24:22

Cody wrong. And he was like,

24:24

let's go real off-grid. How off-grid!

24:26

We went to a place called

24:28

Milford Sound in your neck of

24:31

the woods. New Zealand. That's New

24:33

Zealand's hardcore. Proper South. Have you

24:35

been there, Sash? Beautiful. It's yeah,

24:37

beautiful. It constantly enlists on lists

24:39

of genuinely like the best looking

24:41

places on earth. Is it like

24:43

a... There's a glacial mountains glacial.

24:45

Has anyone got a bitch there?

24:47

Lots of batches. Lots of batches.

24:50

Do you know about the batches?

24:52

Not a batch. That's what New

24:54

Zealanders call the little, like a

24:56

little cottage on the beach. Okay.

24:58

How rustic is a batch? Like

25:00

your place, very rustic. Yeah, I

25:02

can. A lot of mice. A

25:04

lot of trap mice. But they're

25:06

allowed to catch stuff down there

25:09

on the beach. Can you imagine

25:11

that? No. Tin Big Lomot! I

25:13

don't trust those things. They're too

25:15

spiky and they freak me out.

25:17

The shells, beautiful. And always makes

25:19

a nice ashtrack. I think I've

25:21

got the wrong creature. Yeah, that's

25:23

sorry, that's fine. They love them

25:25

in New Zealand. Do that? Yeah,

25:28

yeah, that's a whole thing. It's

25:30

a very traditional food over there,

25:32

isn't it? Kinner. Spiky with the

25:34

orange thing in the middle. Yeah,

25:36

yeah, weird. Have I made my

25:38

thing. How do you feel about

25:40

them? How do you feel about

25:42

them? So we went to Milford

25:44

Sound. There's places that are insane.

25:47

Like at one point we were

25:49

driving above clouds. I don't know

25:51

how that's possible, but we were

25:53

in a car. Oh, I've got

25:55

clouds here. I don't blame. I

25:57

wouldn't believe Cody Quartz. So we're

25:59

driving like all that amazing. You

26:01

go through that thing where you

26:03

drive through a mountain? I imagine

26:06

you, by the way. Did you

26:08

have a cap on? helicopter propeller

26:10

on the top of it in

26:12

the front seat of the car.

26:14

We get to Milford Sound, the

26:16

proper checking out, not allowed to

26:18

have anything, there's no, there's no,

26:20

you're to pay like 60 bucks

26:22

if you want satellite Wi-Fi, all

26:25

that kind of stuff. It was

26:27

sounds really off. It was two

26:29

nights. Did you buy the Wi-Fi?

26:31

We didn't, much to my anger.

26:33

Yeah, this guy that I married,

26:35

he's one of those people that

26:37

can go to bed. He can

26:39

go to bed at 6.37 o'clock.

26:41

Me too. And happily sleep till

26:44

the next day. Yeah, love it.

26:46

Are you kidding me? Not maybe

26:48

not 6.30. Yeah. I have never.

26:50

Did you cook on a five?

26:52

I've never been so bored in

26:54

my life. We were in this

26:56

accommodation where three of the walls

26:58

were glass. I remember going through

27:00

this picture book. of the place

27:03

we were in. Over and over.

27:05

I'm just looking at the book

27:07

again. Looking at the shiny pictures

27:09

of the mountain again. Had you

27:11

bought a book or something to

27:13

read? No, anybody forward playing like

27:15

that. I was just listening to

27:17

some of my own music on

27:19

my Spotify. It was the longest

27:22

48 hours of my walk. Oh

27:24

my. It's not good for me.

27:26

No, nature's not good for you.

27:28

No, just this, my mind, my

27:30

brain. It's not, and that's funny,

27:32

this is almost a segue for

27:34

the first time in history on

27:36

the buck up. Hang on, should

27:38

we have a drum roll? I'm

27:41

gonna read you a headline, tell

27:43

me if you'd step foot in

27:45

this. In the Earth's quietest room,

27:47

you can hear yourself blink. So.

27:49

There is a room that is

27:51

so quiet that it's negative decibels

27:53

and they think that no human

27:55

can be in there for longer

27:57

than half an hour to 45

28:00

minutes without... Going mad? Going insane.

28:02

And you can pay to go

28:04

and stand in this room. That's

28:06

the world's quietest room. Oh yeah,

28:08

I'd go in. And people can

28:10

hear. What do I get in

28:12

trouble? They can hear their own

28:14

heartbeat. People have said they can

28:16

hear circulation. People say they can

28:19

hear their own blood circulating. People

28:21

have said they can hear their

28:23

lungs when they breathe. Oh, I

28:25

can often hear that if I've

28:27

been vaping too much. I can

28:29

hear it. I hear it. I

28:31

can hear it. And I read

28:33

this and thought that is my

28:35

actual idea of hell. Being in

28:38

a room so quiet that all

28:40

I've got is myself and my

28:42

thoughts and my blood pumping. Could

28:44

you do it? Yeah,

28:46

I do it but for how long

28:48

do I have to do it for

28:51

I think it's up to you till

28:53

I go mad You can just pay

28:55

to go in there for a bit

28:57

Okay, I definitely I'd go in there.

29:00

I don't think I could step put

29:02

in it Oh no, you couldn't. No

29:04

way! And you know what else? People

29:06

wouldn't want you in there because you

29:09

were incessant babbling. They'd be like, excuse

29:11

me, I thought I was going to

29:13

hear my eyelashes blinking and my blood

29:15

coursing through my veins, but all I

29:18

can hear. Going, hullabaloo! This is really

29:20

freaking me out. Are you freaked out?

29:22

I have headphones on, so much. I

29:25

have music on when I'm working all

29:27

day. I have headphones on walking the

29:29

dog. I have music playing on it.

29:31

I have to have something going at

29:34

all times. See, I'm the opposite. I

29:36

hardly ever even, like even when I

29:38

worked on radio, I'd never had the

29:40

radio on in the car. Now I'm

29:43

a little bit more so because I

29:45

have to listen to so many podcasts

29:47

and stuff. But I just love silence.

29:49

You're not. You wouldn't think so. Oh,

29:52

it's true. But I adore it. I

29:54

don't want a bar of it. I

29:56

have phone calls I've got to make

29:59

for the car ride, so I even

30:01

time them, so I know that half

30:03

hour drive. I'll call that person so

30:05

I'm talking the whole time. I cannot

30:08

be with me and my thoughts. The

30:10

rest of your time in New Zealand,

30:12

when you were getting to Milford Sound,

30:14

did you drive? Yeah, we had a

30:17

great time. Oh, the whole week was

30:19

excellent. Cody, thank you. I didn't have

30:21

a very lovely time. He bungee jumped.

30:23

He bungee jumped. He's never going to

30:26

hear it. He doesn't listen, he dabbled,

30:28

he dabblers, but he bungee jumped. This

30:30

was a couple of years ago. He

30:33

did it all. We had a lovely

30:35

time. Did you punch a job? Of

30:37

course I didn't. I was having an

30:39

anxiety attack just watching him. You know,

30:42

I've done it. You know, people go,

30:44

it was the greatest moment of my

30:46

life and I felt it was so

30:48

life affirming. Afterwards, I was a desiccated

30:51

husk of a woman who had to

30:53

be taken to KFC. I had to

30:55

be revived with a three-piece feed and

30:57

it was and the blood vessels under

31:00

my eyes had burned about this and

31:02

apparently do any damage but I know

31:04

people say your eyes can boing out.

31:07

Well yeah and also apparently there's a

31:09

lot of people that get very bad

31:11

back injuries after going bungee jumping not

31:13

skydiving. Apparently skydiving is better for your

31:16

body than bungee jumping is. Well because

31:18

of that elastic, but I thought it

31:20

would be good for your spine to

31:22

really stretch it out. Yes, I guess

31:25

his limb. Yes. But the trip was

31:27

great, except just for that 48 hour

31:29

bit there. Poor dumb. In the silence.

31:31

One of the most beautiful view

31:34

in the world. In the quiet

31:36

room. Well, well, well, well. Well,

31:38

hello. It's one of Australia's favourite

31:40

imports. Hello. After Kalua, it is

31:43

Lloyd Langford. And you know what?

31:45

You are brilliant, Lloyd Langford, but

31:47

not brilliant enough. We're prepared to

31:50

pay a tariff on you. I

31:52

have to say, before I kick

31:54

into you, Lloyd. God, Lloyd's a

31:56

good stand up. Oh, he's... Brilliant.

31:59

Touring right now. Go and see

32:01

him. You're an idiot if you

32:03

don't. You heard me say that

32:06

bit, right, Lloyd? I feel like

32:08

you're buttering me up for what's

32:10

about to come. Really? Do you

32:13

need buttering up? Well, watch out

32:15

when Valvo's buttering you up, Lloyd,

32:17

anything good happens. We all know

32:19

that a friendship really is revealed

32:22

slash may be tested when you

32:24

go out for dinner as a

32:26

group. Oh yes, yes. And you're

32:29

ordering for the table? Yes, yes.

32:31

I love the person who orders

32:33

for the table. Lloyd, did you

32:35

order the food for the table?

32:38

Was that your lovely, Parnaretto? Well

32:40

I was initially unhappy that the

32:42

decision was made to order less

32:45

means than there were people. Oh

32:47

right, you don't, you're, yes, you

32:49

believe it should be at minimum

32:52

one per head. I'm like, I'm

32:54

like eating like I'm in prison,

32:56

like I've got my armor on

32:58

my place. Yes, I do. You

33:01

do sort of have that vibe.

33:03

Was it an oppressive life growing

33:05

up in Wales? Now without further

33:08

ado, Lloyd, please tell our lovely

33:10

Buckhead's listening, the price of the

33:12

wine that you didn't ask the

33:14

table about. Okay. It was $215.

33:17

Oh my goodness! Did you not

33:19

look at that? Or did you

33:21

go, that'll be fine? Or did

33:24

you go, that'll be fine? Or

33:26

did you go and want to

33:28

punish these people? No, I chose

33:31

it on purpose. I wanted to

33:33

drink it, I wanted to try

33:35

it. That's fine Lloyd, but don't

33:37

you bring me into this? Yeah,

33:40

don't you say to the table?

33:42

I'm thinking about this rather expensive

33:44

bottle of wine that I would

33:47

have Buckley's chance of affording on

33:49

my own. And then what happened

33:51

on the group chat? Sophie said,

33:53

oh it was delicious and we

33:56

should just split it four weeks.

33:58

Right, yeah and you said, okay.

34:00

I've never seen so on fight

34:03

less. for anything in my life,

34:05

Floyd. I've never seen someone put

34:07

that white flag up. I love

34:10

it. And I thought... I just,

34:12

I feel like life's too short

34:14

a good, bad way, right? Oh,

34:16

look at that buck up. I

34:19

tell you what, you know what

34:21

makes life longer, paying off your

34:23

credit card from the one that

34:26

someone else ordered. Here it is,

34:28

I, what did I reply to

34:30

the group that I've taken up

34:32

Uber driving three nights a week

34:35

to pay my quarter of the

34:37

bill. I like repeating repeating jokes,

34:39

Floyd... I love you, I love

34:42

you, we love you. Hey, what's

34:44

your comedy festival show called? It's

34:46

called, uh, unsurpriseries, it's called, powerful

34:49

energy. When he's ordering the wine,

34:51

when he's doing comedy, he's so

34:53

out of fact. He's going to

34:55

Sydney, he's going to Brisbane, in

34:58

Melbourne, go see Lloyd, love you

35:00

Lloyd, love you Lloyd, bye, bye.

35:02

I love to drink wine with

35:05

him. It's

35:09

a text from a mom. Hello.

35:11

Oh, she's back. Your mother? No.

35:13

Okay. Just mothers in general. Do

35:16

you know what we say? There's

35:18

no difference or division or divide

35:20

between the mothers. There is one

35:23

universal mother. Look at that. And

35:25

if anyone doubts it. And that's

35:27

in your apple side of vinegar

35:29

jar. Oh, yeah, the mother. I

35:32

don't like the mother. People say

35:34

you should drink the mother. You're

35:36

supposed to drink the mother. No,

35:39

I don't like the mother. I

35:41

find the mother creepy. And also,

35:43

you know, when people make kombucher,

35:45

that creepy thing is called the

35:48

mother. You're not as well. You're

35:50

not as well. I've kicked off

35:52

before on this podcast about how

35:55

the internet always tells me to

35:57

use Apple side of vending at

35:59

a clean start. The new one

36:01

is bicarb soda. They go together.

36:04

But it doesn't do anything. supposed

36:06

to soak your vegetables. You know

36:08

what I should say? I want

36:10

to have to, do you want

36:13

to clean things twice, then use

36:15

these ingredients. Because it doesn't do

36:17

it on the first go. Okay,

36:20

so on the, when you, it's

36:22

really good for a couple of

36:24

things. Well, I don't know what

36:26

those things are. I'll tell you.

36:29

Not cleaning. If you've... I don't

36:31

imagine you ever fry so deeply

36:33

and ferociously that stuff gets stuck

36:36

to the bottom of the pan.

36:38

We don't. Or bake in an

36:40

oven and make sticky chicky, ribs

36:42

or... We make sticky things in

36:45

the oven. Or glaze tan. And

36:47

the pans all sticky. We've glazed

36:49

a few things in our time.

36:52

If you can't get that that

36:54

pan clean, you just put bicarb

36:56

on it, sprinkle it some water

36:58

and put it on a low

37:01

heat. See, I don't, I just

37:03

don't believe it. But it does,

37:05

it just, the internet always has

37:07

to do it, it just doesn't,

37:10

it always has to do it,

37:12

it just doesn't, it just doesn't

37:14

do anything. Okay, so that's all

37:17

I know. I, I want things

37:19

that make me dizzy. I want

37:21

forever chemicals all over everything. down

37:23

as it does it at tea

37:26

time. When I open the oven

37:28

and something this is an accurate

37:30

smell because I've just flicked it

37:33

on to preheat. And he's decided

37:35

to clean the oven. He does

37:37

it like twice a year. Wow.

37:39

With chemicals. And then he always

37:42

goes, it's not chemicals, it's acid.

37:44

I'm like, I'm pretty sure that...

37:46

Sign me up! I'm pretty sure

37:49

that... Live to 75 with clean

37:51

dishes? Or live to 85 because

37:53

I used bicarb soda and have

37:55

to scrub everything 50 times. I'll

37:58

take 75. Secrets from the aged?

38:00

Imagine if that was one of

38:02

them. They lived to 85 because

38:04

of a... Bicarb soda. And they...

38:07

Yeah. Anyway, text from mom. It's

38:09

a text from mom. So I've

38:11

got to show you this picture,

38:14

okay? So it's a guy with

38:16

a big bald head and his

38:18

eyes look like two ping pong.

38:20

balls. It looks fake. Shoved in

38:23

his, yeah, in his, in his,

38:25

in his sockets with eyeballs painted

38:27

on them. Well, check it on

38:30

our instar. But I, they're really

38:32

his proper eyes. And this is

38:34

the message, this is from Todd,

38:36

and he's, um, he's said, um,

38:39

mother strikes again. I love that.

38:41

Now what message from this slightly

38:43

demented looking guy, he's got the

38:46

goate, the goggily pingpong ball painted

38:48

eyes bulging out of his head.

38:50

Are they painted. Well no, they

38:52

look like, I think they're just

38:55

his eyeballs, okay? But they look

38:57

like ping pong balls with something

38:59

painted on them, with eyeballs painted

39:01

on them. Watching Britain's got talent,

39:04

this guy did weird things with

39:06

his eyes. I know yours weren't

39:08

that weird, but reminded me of

39:11

your eye think. Hope all good

39:13

with you guys. Kiss! It's a

39:15

text from a... Now, like this

39:17

guy's eyes are so weird. They're

39:20

so weird. They're so weird that

39:22

they got him onto an international

39:24

talent show that shows off people's

39:27

talents. That's how weird and creepies

39:29

are. There's no sentence more than

39:31

such a mum sentence. Remind me

39:33

of your eye thing. Of your

39:36

eye thing. How do they manage

39:38

to do it? Yeah. Every shot!

39:40

And we're not expecting it! Now

39:43

I want to know what his

39:45

eye thing is. I'd like to

39:47

set too, Todd. Send us a

39:49

pick over your weird eye. I

39:52

am so box. My autumn depression

39:54

is nowhere to be seen. It's

39:56

gone. Absolutely gone. And our money

39:58

back guarantee? If you have depression,

40:01

we will drive it out of

40:03

you. Oh! Like! Was it Jesus

40:05

who drove the demonized herd of

40:08

swine over the cliff? No, no

40:10

that wasn't Jesus. Was that Jesus?

40:12

Who was it? I have no

40:14

memory of... Quickly Google it! Oh

40:17

Jesus! with a flock of pigs

40:19

over a cliff. Yeah I think

40:21

they would swine. You know the

40:24

Bible loves the word swine. I

40:26

don't think that was Jesus. Someone

40:28

drove a demonized herd of swine

40:30

over a cliff. I mean you

40:33

might be right. I don't think

40:35

you are. I mean maybe not

40:37

because Jesus was also on the

40:40

cliff when Satan offered him all

40:42

the riches of the world below.

40:44

He said all of the look

40:46

at this, they were looking out

40:49

over. Everything the light touches is

40:51

yours. Oh, look at you. That's

40:53

for the lying game. What? I

40:55

think it might have been Jesus.

40:58

Oh, really? Jesus asked the demon

41:00

for his name and he has

41:02

told my name is Legion. Oh,

41:05

Legion. Legion. Oh, Legion. Oh, Legion.

41:07

Sorry. Yeah. I've seen them into

41:09

the pigs on the nearby hills.

41:11

Oh, wow. Wow. I wasn't paying

41:14

attention that week in church. But

41:16

you were during the Lion King.

41:18

Well, so I'm the only person

41:21

that gets Simber and Jesus mixed

41:23

up. We're bucked. I'm bloody bucked.

41:25

And back next week, tell your

41:27

friends. Come along. Better, better, better,

41:30

better than a $250 bottle of

41:32

wine. The Buckup podcast is hosted

41:34

by me, Kate Langbrook, and him,

41:37

Nathan Alfalvo. It's produced by the

41:39

brilliant Sasha French. Audio and sound

41:41

by the magnificent Yack Lawrence. You

41:43

might call him Jack and Dom

41:46

Evans. Oh, we're lucky.