0:10

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a

0:12

visual world Hello

0:14

Buglers! Oh, having

0:16

watched a lot of sports on

0:18

Sunday I should say hola Bugleritos

0:21

and welcome to issue 4311 of

0:23

a world's first, last and only

0:25

remaining audio newspaper for a visual

0:27

world, chronically world's most famous species

0:29

since 2007. Quick

0:31

summary of what that famous species has done since 2007,

0:33

well could do better, that's

0:37

the species and the bugle and indeed everything. So

0:39

let's all try to raise the various bars involved.

0:42

I'm Andes Altzman and when push

0:44

comes to shove I generally lose at sumo

0:46

wrestling and I'm

0:48

joined today in no fewer but

0:50

probably more than three dimensions. Firstly

0:53

on one of his periodic journeys to see what

0:56

life is like in the world's most popular hemisphere

0:58

it's Tom Ballard. It's coming home Andy. What

1:01

is coming home? Nothing. Nothing

1:03

is coming home. Nothingless. It behooves

1:05

us not to specify the noun

1:08

appended to that pronoun at any

1:10

time. We can always be

1:12

happy that something is coming home. You've

1:15

just heard from him here and taking a break from

1:17

his preparations for the Paris Olympics where he will defend

1:19

his gold medal in the world's

1:22

most concave chest event. It's

1:24

Chris Addison. Nobody's going to beat me there

1:26

Andrew. Nobody is going to

1:28

beat me there. They're going to turn me the other way up

1:30

and use me for the diving. This

1:32

is my first bugle under a Labour government

1:35

Andy and well I'm delighted I have to

1:37

stress that given the state the satirists left

1:39

things in we must be honest with the

1:41

nation we're not going to be able to

1:43

just satirise things immediately. It is going to

1:45

take more than one parliamentary term to develop

1:47

the kind of right fractured take on events

1:49

that this country deserves but I can promise

1:51

you this a return to the satire of

1:53

public service because when we think of the

1:55

great art forms making portraits of Dua Lipa

1:57

out of seashells all that early Anthony Gormley.

2:00

stuff where he literally inexplicably painted

2:02

using his own jizz. Satire

2:04

is at least as good as those probably.

2:06

So we invite you the nation to join

2:08

us in a satire of renewal, the people's

2:10

bullshit. Our work is completely unnecessary and it

2:12

begins as close to the deadline as we

2:15

can get away with. I will not

2:17

be taking questions. Thank

2:19

you. Thank you. When we grow

2:21

the economy then we can do more satire.

2:23

We record today live and in person here

2:26

at the legendary studio on Cock

2:28

Lane where we have recorded sporadically

2:30

over the years former home of the once

2:33

infamous 1760 celebrity ghost

2:35

called Scratching Fanny, which

2:38

just re-emphasises my suspicion that the

2:41

18th century was fucking ridiculous in

2:43

pretty much every conceivable way,

2:45

with all the absurd fashions, the excessive

2:48

make-up, the very silly wars, Jenkins

2:50

here, the deeply divided politics in amongst

2:52

other places France and the USA, England

2:55

failing to win international football tournaments. We've

2:57

moved on from all these things to a

2:59

far more civilised existence in the 21st century. Cock

3:02

Lane is also where the Great Fire of London, the

3:05

controversial celebrity 17th century cathedral

3:07

singeing urban conflagration came to a

3:09

halt in September 1966. It

3:15

was a long fire. We

3:17

talk about how far it spread but we rarely talk about

3:19

how long it went on. We

3:22

are recording on the 15th of July 2024. On

3:25

this day in 1381, John Ball, leader

3:28

of the Peasants' Revolt, was hanged, drawn

3:30

and quartered. That was then

3:32

a proper country before the woke lobby stopped us

3:35

from dragging people behind a horse to their place

3:37

of execution, hanging them until they were nearly but

3:39

not quite dead, then chopping off their dangly bits,

3:41

disembowelling them, just really around the point home, lopping

3:43

off their bonses in case they hadn't yet learnt

3:45

their lesson, hacking them into four chunks just to

3:47

make sure, and publicly displaying their mutilated corpses because

3:49

we were then, as we are now, a devout

3:51

Christian country which slavishly followed the peaceful teachings of

3:53

Jesus Christ. But you can't do

3:55

anything these days can you? You actually can. We've

3:58

gone soft. You literally can. 16th

4:00

of July 1661 the first bank notes

4:02

in Europe were issued by

4:04

the Swedish bank Stockholms Banko. Big

4:07

development of the evolution of bribery for me

4:09

the bank note. Far easier to slip someone

4:11

money without being noticed. Took the giveaway metallic

4:13

clanking out of things which is good

4:15

news. Also made briefcases full of cash so

4:17

much more carryable. Easier on the elbows. Really

4:19

democratized bribery for me. Open it up to

4:21

people who didn't have a strong core musculature.

4:23

Good for strippers as well. I think it

4:26

used to be a real night. I mean

4:29

it's just it's progressing for everyone. Absolutely but what

4:31

must have been like for the first person in Sweden

4:33

to go there you go just try and pay me

4:35

the bank note. What the f*** is that? You can't

4:37

just draw money. Well it's Sweden

4:40

they're pretty open-minded and tolerant of things they

4:42

probably just got on with it. As

4:44

always a section of the bugle is going straight in

4:47

the bin. Tomorrow 16th of July

4:49

is World Snake Date so we have

4:51

a special bugle snake section in

4:53

which we investigate the big questions in

4:55

snakeology today including are all

4:57

baby snakes worms or just some?

5:01

Or vice versa. Are snakes still obsessed with trying

5:03

to make women eat their five pieces of fruit

5:05

and or veg a day? Well

5:07

they moved on to men as well. Have

5:09

they branched out from apples? Also could genetic

5:11

modification at last produce the 1920s

5:14

influenced psychotic fashion designers dream item

5:16

the feather boa constrictor? Also

5:19

we examine some of the

5:21

great snake quotations from history

5:23

including this effort from 19th

5:25

century German philosophy superstar Arthur

5:28

Schopenhauer genuine quote marrying means

5:30

to grasp a blindfolded into a sack

5:32

hoping to find an eel amongst an

5:34

assembly of snakes. Wow

5:37

worst best man

5:39

speech. Darling

5:42

you are my one true eel and it's the

5:45

snake pit of humanity. When he said the great

5:47

snake quotes of history I assumed he was just

5:49

gonna go and

5:53

who can forget? And

5:57

a rather snake quote Edward Albee he

5:59

that has been bitten by a snake

6:01

is afraid of a rope. Really

6:03

Edward? Have you done the science

6:05

on that? For me, I think it's more likely that he

6:07

that has been bitten by a tiger is afraid of a

6:09

sofa or even that he has that

6:11

has been tied up with ropes is now afraid of

6:13

also being tied up with snakes. We'll

6:16

let history be the judge of that. Anyway, the

6:18

snake section in the bin. Top

6:24

story this week, Donald Trump has

6:26

quite literally dodged a bullet or

6:29

vice versa, where we don't know yet

6:31

the former president survived an assassination attempt

6:33

in Pennsylvania in which a bullet hit

6:35

his ear. One person was

6:38

killed and the entire world reacted by

6:40

going, would

6:45

you agree with that? That reaction? Well,

6:48

first of all, actually, before I even start to

6:50

talk about this, Andy, I have to be

6:52

very clear, like every nano celebrity on social

6:54

media, I feel it my duty for

6:56

some reason to point out as though

6:59

this has not occurred to anybody so

7:01

far, that no one should be trying

7:03

to assassinate anybody, no matter what their

7:05

political persuasion orange lives matter. Trump,

7:09

by the way, is increasingly orange, so orange

7:11

now that his face looks like a bird's

7:13

eye view of Belfast on July 12. Opponents

7:15

of Trump should know that there are plenty

7:17

of ways of stopping him that don't involve

7:19

actual attempts on his life. You could, for

7:21

example, hijack all of America's fake tan so

7:23

he can't leave the house or appear on camera.

7:25

You could fill every hole on every golf course

7:27

in the States with a spring so that wherever

7:30

he might play, it's impossible for him to finish

7:32

around. You could make it take a debilitatingly long

7:34

time for him to type and post anything on

7:36

true social by disabling the caps lock

7:38

on all his devices. At

7:40

the time of recording, there's surprisingly little information about

7:42

the attacker's background, but given that Nigel Farage's first

7:45

response was to drop everything and fly to be

7:47

by Trump's side, there's every reason to believe that

7:49

the shooter is probably from Clacton. Yeah,

7:54

there's a lot of talk about whether this

7:56

will swing the election momentum further in Trump's

7:58

favour and make things... even

8:00

more hostile in America.

8:03

I don't advocate violence. I

8:05

think, you know, it would have been far better

8:07

had he used a paintball gun.

8:09

Could have made the same point and without

8:12

endangering anyone. And look, like many people in

8:14

this world, American, non-American and

8:16

miscellaneous other, I think that covers

8:18

everyone, I would prefer a political

8:20

scene without Donald Trump. I

8:23

would prefer an American election that did not

8:25

seem hell-bent on reinstalling the Grand Duke of

8:27

Gratuitous Division, the Archbishop of antagonistic bitterness, the

8:29

Holy Roman Emperor of hatefully rancorous execration, the

8:31

Maharaja of Isianogram of maladdictive vituperation. Bit harsh

8:33

on the captain of the Indian cricketing, you're

8:35

touring him in 1936, even if he didn't

8:38

really earn his place on cricketing merit. Hang

8:40

on, I think there's one more to get

8:42

out. The Peter Parker of provocative peeve. How

8:44

did the sentence begin? Oh yeah, I'd rather

8:46

this election was not on course to re-excrete

8:48

Trump back into the Oval Office. But this

8:50

is not the solution. As you

8:52

hinted Chris, there are other ways to get

8:55

Trump out of this. My order of preference

8:57

are a series of court cases and

8:59

convictions that prove to even the most diehard Trump Easter that

9:01

maybe he's not 100% presidential

9:03

caliber. Seems to have been tried and

9:05

not been entirely effective. Failing that,

9:08

I'd like the Republican Party to become a

9:10

serious political organization again. That's right up there

9:13

with my absolute top pipe dreams along with

9:15

eternal peace, guilt-free frugra, a functioning rail network,

9:18

compulsory lanyards for all, everywhere all the time

9:20

so you don't have to remember anyone's name,

9:22

a ceasefire in the culture

9:24

wars and an equitable and lasting ceasefire, not just one

9:26

that bumps all the problems down the road, versus

9:29

a competent top-level administration that safeguards the future of test

9:31

cricket for at least the next 4,000 years and having

9:34

a head like an orange. Those

9:36

are my questions. That's a very,

9:39

very good, very in

9:41

joke. Failing that, failing that,

9:43

I'd like him to fail at the ballot box

9:46

in November. That also seems unlikely. Failing that, just

9:48

give the guy a PlayStation. I think that would

9:50

distract him. Failing that, just persuade

9:52

him to drink a magic potion that shrinks him

9:54

to the size of a gerbil, because

9:57

history shows that America has never voted in a

9:59

president's short-term vote. than five foot four inch James

10:01

Madison and also hasn't voted in

10:03

a president with facial hair for over 110

10:06

years. So just

10:08

in case, let's make it a lady gerbil, then there's no

10:10

way he could possibly win an election. Failing

10:12

that alien abduction, but not, not the path of

10:14

violence. Alien abduction, I think would be on board

10:17

for that. Yeah, I think he'd

10:19

enjoy that as well. Just in the middle

10:22

of a rally. Yeah. Beamer light. Yeah. He

10:24

gets sucked up. That's the humane way to

10:27

be removed from the political process. That's

10:30

right. I agree. Trump was very bad. As

10:32

president Joe Biden said, there is no place

10:34

in America for this kind of violence. There

10:36

is only a place for this kind of

10:38

violence in Iran, Cuba, Guatemala, Chile, Vietnam, Cambodia,

10:40

Laos, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, and Gaza, but

10:43

not in America. America is famously a land

10:45

of peace and nonviolence where shooting and other

10:47

human beings completely unacceptable unless they're wearing a

10:49

hoodie or you just want to, then you

10:51

can. Biden also

10:53

said the idea of someone assassinating an American

10:55

politician was unheard of. Great. Now tell me

10:57

everything he's losing his hearing as well. He

11:00

also condemned the attempt on Trump's life as

11:02

inappropriate. Strong

11:04

words, Joe. Hey guys, let's

11:06

try to keep things appropriate. No more effort in Jeff

11:08

and user inside voices and please try to avoid shooting

11:10

people in the face. Thank you. Trump

11:13

himself said that it was unbelievable that

11:15

such an act can happen in

11:18

the USA. Now unbelievable is an overused term. I

11:20

know this because I work in professional sports commentary.

11:23

The word unbelievable is used an unbelievable number

11:25

of times per each bit of unbelievable commentary.

11:28

And it has, has many

11:30

meanings, obviously unbelievable. I mean,

11:32

I assume what he meant was it's appalling that

11:34

such an act can happen. It's unjustifiable, unacceptable, or

11:36

embarrassing. All of those would fit, but

11:38

unbelievable. I think the only way that that is

11:41

justified is if he rushed his words and meant

11:43

unbelievably believable, given that this is a nation that

11:45

prides itself on visceral divisiveness

11:47

in its politics and the fetishistic glorification

11:50

of firearms. So there you go. That's

11:52

America. Look, not only is

11:54

this event in and of itself appalling, Andy,

11:56

but it has in fact moved the world

11:58

towards a dangerous tipping point of. too much

12:01

news. For each of the last eight

12:03

months, scientists have reported a occurrence of news as being over

12:05

22% above the global

12:07

average for the time of year. According

12:09

to the IFJ, the International Federation of

12:11

Journalists, the GMW, the Global Media Watchdog

12:13

and the TLA, the three-letter abbreviation, if

12:16

the world continues to produce news at

12:18

this rate we will have reached the

12:20

global annual allowance of news by August

12:22

the 17th, which means that no more

12:24

events will legally be allowed to happen

12:26

until January the 1st 2025. And podcasts

12:29

like The Bugle will have to pivot to

12:32

satirizing non-news subjects. For example, fruit! What is

12:34

it with grapefruits? Are you an orange or

12:36

a lemon? Make up your mind. The

12:39

tides! Have you ever seen a more indecisive

12:41

gravitational periodic phenomenon? Make up your damn mind

12:43

the tides! You've got more ins and outs

12:45

than a dungeon and dragons rule book. Pixar

12:47

movies! Why does everyone like them so much?

12:49

Those are clearly not real people. Also, if

12:52

you truly want to make a movie about

12:54

the little characters controlling the thoughts and feelings

12:56

inside someone's head, there should really be one

12:58

called mortifying awareness of sexual inadequacy, one

13:00

called that donut looks too nice to leave

13:03

and one called constant worries about hemorrhoids. Was

13:05

that too much information? That's the name of

13:07

another one. Just to play devil's advocate for

13:09

a second and to be clear devil's advocate

13:11

very different from devil's advocate which is a

13:13

cocktail made by taking half a dozen eggs

13:15

and throwing them at Vladimir Putin. Just to

13:18

play devil's advocate of course we

13:20

at The Bugle don't want a situation where

13:22

we can there can be no further events

13:24

this year after mid-august but on the plus

13:26

side it would mean America couldn't hold an

13:28

election which while on the one hand wouldn't

13:30

be great for democracy on the other hand might be

13:32

great for democracy. In

13:35

terms of working out exactly what

13:37

happened Donald Trump said God alone

13:40

saved my life which made

13:42

you think why did God hate all

13:44

the other assassination victims? What was

13:46

God's beef with William McKinley back

13:48

in I think it was a 1901 wasn't it? When

13:51

McKinley according to his biographer died the

13:53

most beloved president in history was renowned

13:55

for his dignified demeanor and

13:57

subtle operations even those who disagreed with his

13:59

party. policies and decisions seem as an

14:01

active, responsible, informed participant in

14:04

charge of decision making and yet God

14:06

did not prevent him from being a citizen.

14:09

Who was his biographer? Is that Billiam Wickenley?

14:12

It was H. Wayne Morgan, according to, I

14:14

have done some extensive research on this, by

14:16

which I mean I've looked at three Wikipedia

14:18

pages. James A. Garfield, according

14:21

to research, intelligent, sensitive

14:23

and alert, his knowledge of how government work

14:26

was unmatched, a perfect moderate, he

14:28

was not so much a scholar in politics as a politics

14:30

scholar, assassinated. Where was God

14:32

to save James A. Garfield?

14:34

Spencer Percival, 1812, the only

14:36

British Prime Minister to be assassinated, devout, industrious,

14:38

a principled man who at the head of

14:40

a weak government steered the country through difficult

14:42

times. But God didn't give a flying f***

14:44

about Spencer Percival, did he? No. Let him,

14:46

just let me, all the ordinary others, the

14:49

Itzak of Prenol of Parma, Indira Gandhi, Franz

14:51

Ferdinand, Ramesses III of Egypt even,

14:53

going web a high percentage of Roman emperors, some of

14:55

whom, I'm not going to victim blame people who have

14:57

been dead for almost 2000 years, some of whom I

14:59

think we can fairly say did not do everything in

15:01

their power not to get assassinated. But anyway, the point

15:03

is, if God did save Trump

15:06

and not all the other assassination victims, I'm more

15:08

inclined than ever to believe

15:10

my growing suspicion that God takes too many days

15:12

off work and should f***ing

15:15

knuckle down with due respect.

15:17

That Ramesses, the second one, is right for a

15:20

conspiracy theory. So Ramesses III. Ramesses, who was it?

15:23

I'm getting my Ramesses mixed up. It

15:25

is though. There was a second

15:27

spear from the Sandy Knoll. I

15:32

think it's been interesting finding out more information about this shi**t, this

15:34

guy, Thomas Matthew Crooks, that's what

15:36

we're calling him to, Thomas Matthew Crooks, John

15:39

Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Thomas Matthew Crooks.

15:41

Here's an idea, if there are any young

15:43

men out there running around with free names,

15:45

let's lock them up, yeah? Sorry,

15:47

Paul Thomas Anderson, I love your films, but you're

15:49

a threat to society. Do you

15:52

think it wasn't an assassination attempt, but he just

15:54

sort of shot his ear in the hope that

15:56

Trump would pivot to making paintings of sunflowers and

15:58

starry nights? It's quite possible, isn't

16:00

it? Lots of people have been asking the Secret Service

16:02

how a shooter could have possibly got off onto a

16:05

roof at a rally like that, and the Secret Service

16:07

has responded by saying, shh, it's a secret. Can

16:10

you imagine being in the Secret Service for Trump,

16:12

like having to take a

16:14

bullet for a man who once in his speech

16:17

pronounced Thailand as Thighland? Like, that's who you're going

16:19

down for. In terms of

16:21

the blame game, which always gets played after

16:23

such events, Nigel Farage waded in and blamed

16:26

the liberal media, essentially. The

16:29

campaigns kind of in crisis mode,

16:31

I saw they sent out a memo,

16:33

this report in Politico. Trump campaign adviser

16:35

sent out a joint memo after the

16:38

shooting that said, we also urge

16:40

you to recognise the political polarisation in

16:42

this heated election. If something looks or

16:44

feels off, please flag it immediately. That

16:47

message again, if anyone working on the Trump campaign

16:50

sees anything that looks or feels off, please say

16:52

something. If for example, your candidate starts talking in

16:54

length about how he loves to grab a woman

16:56

by their genitals or start praising Hannibal Lecter or

16:58

how climate change is a Chinese hoax or about

17:00

how migrants are coming to rape the Statue of

17:03

Liberty, please say something. Something

17:05

could be off. Well, he has called for unity in America.

17:07

I mean, I don't know where he put that in the

17:10

unexpected call. It's

17:14

like Mozart calling for people to stop playing

17:16

such twiddly things on violins, isn't it?

17:23

Right. Moving on to

17:25

his current opponent in the presidential

17:27

election, Joe Biden. Still

17:32

going. At time of recording. At time of

17:34

recording. He'd been having a bit of a

17:37

difficult time and I don't know. There

17:39

was a seem to be a growing momentum to remove

17:42

him as the democratic candidate, whether

17:44

the Trump assassination attempt might change

17:47

that. I don't know. But he

17:49

had a well, a difficult, difficult

17:51

time, including calling the

17:53

Ukrainian president, calling him President Putin.

17:57

Now, out of all the people in the world.

18:00

least want to mix Zelensky up with.

18:02

I think Vlady Pudl

18:04

is somewhere outside the top 8.2 billion.

18:08

Even for someone in Biden's... I think that's a

18:10

bad... that's a blooper. I

18:12

feel like Biden might simply have said the wrong name

18:14

when in bed with his wife and is now so

18:16

much trouble he's having to concoct this whole alibi about

18:19

how he mixes people up. You don't think that's it?

18:22

Right. No? That doesn't

18:24

make more sense than the Republicans sticking with

18:26

him as their candidate. The Republicans would have

18:28

to do well... The Republicans? Sorry.

18:30

We all do it. You see? It's that simple. It's

18:33

literally that simple. Nobody's nerfics,

18:35

come on. If you

18:37

combine Biden's and Trump's ages, and you're probably not going

18:39

to do that using mental arithmetic, you're going to need

18:41

to calculate that for that. But both of those people

18:43

really are of an age where they should be sitting

18:45

in a garden somewhere, listening to the cricket commentary and

18:47

wondering if they can be asked going and changing their

18:50

tenor pads. They shouldn't be running for the presidency because

18:52

as a rule of thumb, you don't

18:54

really want a leader of the free world whose

18:56

advisors involuntarily go, oh, every time they

18:58

try to stand up from a chair. Chris,

19:00

I've got a talk coming up in the autumn. This is

19:03

my core demographic you're having a go at. Of

19:05

these old people. No, that's a cricket fans. You don't want them in the White

19:07

House because they're not going to make your gig, are they? The

19:09

level of denial in Biden's campaign is remarkable. There are certain

19:12

people within the camp who would try to convince you that

19:14

he's not that old. But guys, come

19:16

on. He's the first presidential candidate whose

19:18

age can only be accurately determined by

19:20

carbon dating. It looks like Dr.

19:22

Gunter von Hagenz has lent him to

19:24

the White House from the Body Worlds

19:26

exhibition. He generally wears the expression you'd

19:29

see in a local newspaper photo of

19:31

a care home resident who's just completed

19:33

an improbable charity parachute jump strapped to

19:35

his 30 year old grandson. It's a

19:37

sort of combination of fear, bewilderment, relief,

19:39

lack of certainty of where exactly he

19:41

is, but absolute certainty that he could

19:44

murder a chocolate digestive. Clearly, clearly Biden

19:46

is more fit to be president than

19:48

Trump. Trump has no knowledge of the

19:50

US constitution whatsoever as his attacks on

19:52

the media and his failure to

19:54

understand the provisions of the First

19:56

Amendment amply demonstrate Biden, however, knows

19:58

the constitution backwards. having been an

20:00

intern in Washington when it was written. Of

20:03

course Biden's campaign wants us to feel that

20:05

their candidate is still filled with vim and

20:07

vigor and sap and energy and spunk. But

20:10

as Winston Churchill himself once said, f***

20:12

me backwards, is Joe Biden still alive?

20:17

I felt so awkward for him when he's

20:19

called Zelensky Putin. I mean, you know, yeah,

20:21

calling out the wrong guy's name, I

20:23

can relate. And it's very awkward. To

20:25

be fair, Biden did correct himself and explain the

20:28

slip up by saying, I'm so focused on beating

20:30

Putin. Yes, I guess you can say

20:32

my greatest weakness is that I care too much. So

20:35

focused on beating Putin. Yeah, that's what we're all

20:37

thinking, Joe. Whenever I see Joe Biden, my first

20:40

thought is this guy seems excessively focused. There

20:43

is too much laser like focus going

20:45

on here. Zelensky

20:47

responded to the gaffe by saying I'm better,

20:49

which is a hell of a slogan. Zelensky 2024, better

20:51

than Putin. He

20:55

also said he was a mixed up Kamala

20:57

Harris for Donald Trump. He said, I wouldn't

20:59

have picked Vice President Trump to be vice

21:01

president if she wasn't qualified to be president.

21:04

And I'm the worst thing there is misgendering

21:07

Trump. That's absolutely unacceptable. I would say it's

21:09

not good if I may quote myself

21:12

on the bugle a few weeks ago, I'm

21:14

not comfortable with a presidential campaign in

21:16

which the ages of the two candidates make up a

21:19

snooker frame with an unusually high number of files. And

21:22

I'd rather see a hundred and forty seven year old against a

21:24

newborn baby. But

21:27

the short it's the short sightedness of the Democrats not planning

21:29

for this. To me, that is like

21:32

setting off to climb Mount Everest, looking up, seeing that

21:34

it looks sunny and clear at the summit and thinking,

21:36

I reckon shorts, flip flops, baseball

21:38

cap, packet of peanuts and a crate of

21:40

lager. Let's go. I

21:42

love all the defenses of his like debate performance. Like

21:44

guys, he had a cold. He had a really bad.

21:47

Yes, he's qualified to be the most powerful man in

21:49

the world. And if he gets the sniffles, his brain

21:51

will explode. Or

21:53

other people like, hey, I know it's bad. I know

21:55

you're worried the violence too old, but just give him

21:57

some time. Yeah, just just wait and see because that

21:59

will cure oldness. the passage of time. Let's

22:02

just wait and see if the Olders clears up somehow. We're

22:04

hoping for a Benjamin Button

22:06

scenario, if possible. Mason- Benjamin,

22:08

red button. Big red button. O'Reilly- There it is.

22:10

I love that they

22:12

keep saying Biden's gaffes too. Are they really gaffes

22:15

at this point, or is it just a way

22:17

of life? I

22:19

feel like saying James Biden makes gaffes is

22:21

like saying Homer Simpson makes the occasional faux

22:23

pas. Mason- The reaction of world leaders at

22:25

the NATO summit was interesting. Keir Starmer said

22:28

Biden was on good form. Mason- Everything's relative, isn't

22:30

it? Keir Starmer- Well it is relative, also that's,

22:32

I mean, the minimum requirement, isn't it, for being

22:34

leader of the free world? Mason- As you're on

22:36

good form. But also, you're not going to hear

22:38

from the leaders what actually he was like, they're

22:40

not going to go, he was a bit of

22:42

a ****. Keir

22:46

Starmer- He was a cleverly incoherent

22:48

wreck. It's

22:50

a wreck against wreck when it comes to

22:53

the American election. Macron said, everyone makes slips

22:55

of the tongue. Yes,

22:57

but not everyone makes them every time they

22:59

speak. And not everyone

23:01

is trying to convince people they should be president, not

23:03

only this time next year, but this time in four

23:06

years from that. Macron

23:08

said, it's happened to me, I'm sure it will happen to me

23:10

again tomorrow. Is he going

23:12

to call another election? Is that what we

23:15

can read from that? Mason- Back to

23:17

three. Paul- I liked the Polish president,

23:19

Andre Duda, apologies to

23:21

all the Polish listeners, who's

23:23

seen as being close to former president Trump,

23:25

said, quoted by the AFP, I talk with

23:27

President Biden and there is no doubt that

23:29

everything is okay. Now, if

23:32

anyone is talking in 2024 and saying that

23:34

everything is okay, he truly has lost his

23:36

marbles. That's a sign that things are not

23:38

okay at all. Quick emergency

23:40

Kamala Harris, please. Mason-

23:43

But once again, the key figure

23:45

in this could be God himself,

23:48

because Biden said that only God

23:50

could stop him standing for president. I mean,

23:52

he's really getting involved in US politics at

23:55

the moment. Paul- I don't know why there's

23:57

a sudden burst of interest in- Mason-

23:59

Well, he is the ultimate- at Super PAC in many ways.

24:01

Yes, I guess he is. Because

24:03

I mean, it's been a long time

24:06

since he got involved in stuff, pretty much 2000 years,

24:09

plus give or take, really since

24:11

his whole thing with his boy. It

24:14

takes a while to get over that stuff. He's had a lot of

24:16

work, he's been in a lot of therapy. George

24:19

Clooney called for President

24:21

Biden to stand aside. Now

24:23

this is the renowned professional

24:25

actor George Clooney, after

24:28

Biden had said that only God could stop him

24:30

standing. He's a professional actor

24:32

and he called for Biden to step

24:34

aside without bothering to put on even

24:36

a nativity level God costume or

24:39

a big booming God voice. I mean, come on George,

24:41

do your f***ing job mate. Well you

24:43

need to get Morgan Freeman involved. He's

24:45

the one to do it. Yeah, but he's not even f***ing. Can

24:47

we check that? I can legal check that. Thanks.

24:50

I don't want that going out. I

24:52

guess sued by penguins. It

24:55

was a big news week for people

24:57

who like northern parts of the oceans

24:59

and treaty organisations because

25:01

the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation met to

25:03

talk about China and Ukraine and it

25:06

loves China and Ukraine. Loves them. Can't

25:08

stop talking about them. Nature's like your fickle

25:11

friend whose life you can divide into chapters

25:13

by their ever-changing obsessions leaving in their wake

25:15

a string of discarded exes they're no longer

25:17

interested in. You can easily

25:19

imagine joining the NATO conference, Iran and Afghanistan

25:21

sitting in a bar, consoling each other and

25:23

scrolling through China's Instagram looking for clues about how they

25:25

might be able to get NATO back. So

25:27

a lot of talk about China, a lot

25:29

of talk about Ukraine by Biden and his

25:31

cronies but the truth is that what NATO

25:34

really needs to be thinking about at this

25:36

point is how to survive the upcoming Trump

25:38

presidency because Trump clearly wants to disband it.

25:40

NATO, I would say, has one very strong

25:42

weapon in its armoury against attacks from Trump

25:44

and that is it's an

25:46

abbreviation and Trump loves

25:48

abbreviations. The most obvious example being

25:51

MAGA, the only political movement that

25:53

sounds like a nine month old trying to

25:55

get your attention. Anyways, the only political movement

25:57

with less coherent arguments than a nine month old trying to

25:59

get your attention. Another example, Trump

26:01

loves the job title POTUS, largely because

26:03

he thinks it stands for piss off

26:05

from Tuesday until Sunday. Now

26:08

I strongly suspect that he has no idea

26:10

that NATO currently stands for North Atlantic Treaty

26:12

Organisation, so perhaps before he becomes president, it

26:14

should change his name to something more appealing

26:17

to Trump that makes him feel included, like

26:19

Network of America's tallest orangutans, or

26:22

nativist arseholes with a tint of orange, or

26:25

never at the office, or

26:28

failing any of these, the only thing guaranteed to

26:30

get him onside, Norx Arses Titties Norovisis.

26:36

Well it's possible, they talk about

26:39

Ukraine, or China, the threat posed

26:41

by China, and the

26:43

current NATO plan is just to hope that

26:46

China have once again made

26:48

all their military personnel and hardware out

26:50

of terracotta. If it were once.

26:52

Failure that, might be in trouble

26:54

for long term. If I were NATO, and

26:56

I were trying to counter Putin's claim... Before

26:58

when Chris? When I am NATO, no well

27:01

because Putin might, no, if I were NATO,

27:03

I can't possibly comment about whether I have

27:05

any ambitions in that direction, and

27:07

I would try to counter Putin's claims of

27:09

my world domination tendencies, I would try and

27:12

avoid holding high profile international conferences, sitting

27:14

around a table in a room that looks

27:16

exactly like the set of Doctor Strangely. It

27:19

makes me feel like the logical end of the

27:21

summit is Joe Biden waving a cowboy hat, and

27:24

screaming YEEHAH as he rides a drone into

27:26

a Russian oil refinery. To be honest if

27:29

he does that, that would give

27:31

him an outside chance in November I think. That

27:33

could be his last... The smoking

27:35

ruins of Joe Biden, which is actually his

27:37

full name. Sport

27:43

news now, and well what a day for

27:45

Spain, yesterday as we were recording on Monday,

27:48

and Sunday, what a day for Spain. And

27:50

that was just the tennis. We

28:00

talk a lot about the problems of

28:02

the world on this show. I do

28:04

think that a montage of Carlos Alcaraz's

28:06

volleys being projected onto the skies above

28:09

all the areas of the

28:11

world currently undergoing difficulty would help.

28:13

If nothing else, just to show that

28:16

in what can seem to be a godless universe, beauty and

28:18

the human triumph over the laws of physics are still possible.

28:21

I think that's my one positive takeaway from this week. You think that

28:23

would solve that in the Middle East? I think it would. I

28:26

mean, but the one, the half-volley picked off his...

28:28

Anyway, look. Point

28:30

is, after that, as

28:32

many have predicted, football did,

28:35

after all, come home. Unfortunately, like

28:38

a lot of people from England, football has lived in Spain for

28:40

years. But

28:45

I don't know how to... I mean,

28:47

Tom, I know you are skeptical about

28:50

the charms of sport as

28:52

the ultimate expression of the human condition. I

28:54

really enjoy the Euros. I loved... I watched

28:56

the gaming instances in the Netherlands in a

28:58

pub in London, and that atmosphere was nice.

29:01

For the final, I was at a comedy

29:03

club in Edinburgh, Scotland, surrounded

29:05

by Scottish comedians, very

29:08

passionate about Spain winning, and

29:10

were cheering on the destruction of England. I knew that I

29:12

was coming back to England, so I didn't want to be

29:14

around even more miserable people. So my

29:16

heart was sort of with the lions, and

29:18

at one point they missed a shot, and I

29:21

went, and another Scottish comedian turned and he said, are

29:23

you hoping for England to win? I said,

29:25

and I just started sweating profusely, it

29:28

was a fun game, you know? That's what

29:30

it's all about, wonderful play, I'd say. I

29:33

mean, Chris, traditionally in

29:35

sport, after a harrowing defeat, people look for

29:37

positives, and I guess, you know, the positive

29:41

way of looking at it, after England heroically battled

29:43

their way into the finals with a series of

29:45

never-say-die Heimlichings of victory from the esophagus of defeat,

29:48

they put on one of

29:50

the politest displays of footballmanship.

29:53

Stick with your national character. We sat back

29:55

defensively and let Spain score a goal, then,

29:58

just to show that we could do it, we'd belated. attacks,

30:00

scored a beautiful goal and then sat back

30:02

defensive again so as not to make Spain

30:05

all sad about it. And there's nothing wrong

30:07

with a bit of manners in top level

30:09

sport. Absolutely. In a very difficult world it's

30:11

nice to know that there are still some lovely

30:13

young men out there. This defeat is

30:15

really very much a repudiation of Southgate's 4-2-3-1

30:19

defensive formation theory of playing against Spain.

30:21

Historically victories against Spain have used other

30:23

formations. For the Spanish Armada for example,

30:25

England manager Sir Francis Drake arranged his

30:27

ships in a classic back three set-up

30:30

of 3-5-2. England in that match

30:32

were also far more successful at moving the

30:34

ball forwards. Critics of the Drake years

30:36

will point out that it was easier for them to do

30:38

that then as at that point cannons were still in

30:40

use in the game. But that criticism should be contextualised

30:42

by pointing out that at the time the balls were

30:44

a good deal heavier and trying to kick them could

30:47

in fact break your foot. Other techniques

30:49

that Southgate could have employed which worked successfully

30:51

for Drake would have been using smaller, more

30:53

manoeuvrable players than the Spanish such as children

30:55

or jockeys or Kylie playing a game of

30:57

Crown Green bowling in the England penalty box

30:59

or setting fire to Phil Foden and sending

31:02

him into Spain's back four to create panic

31:04

and scatter the foremost. I don't think Kylie

31:06

is qualified to play for England is she?

31:09

Anybody is qualified to play in England if

31:11

they've set four in England and our sporting authorities

31:13

say so. The BBC spoke to

31:15

a bunch of like neutral fans, people whose teams hadn't

31:17

gone through about who they wanted to win the big

31:19

game and made for fascinating reading.

31:21

Some quotes from ordinary punters included, I think

31:23

Spain is a better choice because English football

31:25

is not that attractive to watch. England

31:28

played terrible football, it's going to be a terrible

31:30

final, no one will want the ball. And

31:33

they did manage to find a German father

31:35

and son who said this is England's second

31:37

final after the last Euro so I believe

31:39

the win is coming for them this time.

31:41

I predict a comfortable 3-0 win with Harry Kane

31:43

scoring twice and Jude Bellingham also scoring which has

31:45

to be one of the most shizen predictions I've

31:48

ever heard. Some people

31:50

have said that England were a bit lucky

31:52

to make it as far as the final,

31:55

others have gone further than that and said that they flukily

31:57

spawned the jammiest of paths into the final with a series

31:59

of frankly undeserved pseudo winds made only possible

32:01

by a combination of outrageous luck, dubious refereeing,

32:04

Jude Bellingham telling physics where to stick itself

32:06

and some sort of cosmic payback for 17th

32:08

century Dutch painting celeb Rembrandt, undeservedly beating England's

32:10

Tony Hart in the Court of Orleans with

32:12

the greatest artist of the second millennium competition.

32:15

But then they belatedly had their completely outplayed

32:17

arses handed to them on a plate full

32:19

of high-grade hamon by a significantly superior. This

32:21

sentence got out of control. Anyway,

32:24

the point's been made. Yeah,

32:26

I mean, like the England team. Yeah, I started with a

32:29

vague idea and nothing really came of it. Just

32:31

carried on with it in spite of all evidence that

32:34

it wasn't going anywhere. I mean, that punchline's coming over.

32:38

The disappointing thing is that England, you know,

32:40

we don't even have a decent hard luck.

32:42

We were robbed narrative to cling to in

32:45

this one. We were, you know, outplayed.

32:48

Yeah. That's not, I mean, apart from the patent

32:50

unfurnace of one team being better than the other,

32:52

which is not really what, you

32:55

know, equality is supposedly about.

32:57

I don't think it's over. I don't think it's lost. Oh,

33:00

that's right. Are you

33:02

going to show you working on that? Right.

33:04

OK. We won the Spanish Armada. Day one,

33:07

Euro 2024. Right. Best of three. It

33:10

doesn't even have to be football. It could be anything. Right. But

33:12

Art, again, Damien Hurst against Picasso. Who's your money on

33:14

for that? If you get late era Picasso, you've got

33:17

a shot. You've got a shot. Some of that is

33:19

absolutely dogshit with all due respect. Pablo.

33:22

What? I mean, you know, he's supposed to be drawing like

33:24

that, don't you? That was deliberate.

33:28

He's not trying to do a lovely painting of his nam. Like

33:30

it was an artistic movement. I stand by that. I stand by

33:32

it. You're a shit house. Looks nothing like it. Yeah. Why is

33:34

there eye on the side of her head? Oh, actually, her eye

33:36

is on the side of her head. Can

33:39

Australians get involved in the Euros? We're already joining NATO.

33:41

We're already joining Eurovision. Eurovision, yeah. I think so. That's

33:43

it for the Euros. Yeah, yeah. We're in NATO now.

33:45

Yeah, we're trying. We were at the summit. You might

33:47

just work in the bars at the summit. We

33:51

made great coffee. It was

33:53

most well that the Spanish team contained

33:55

a lot of players from the Basque country.

33:58

That's Europe's premier lingerie. reproducing

34:01

region. The

34:03

Basque Country, which is in the Basque

34:05

Country, as a joke for any Basque separatists out

34:07

there, in each market, ticket sale is a ticket

34:09

sale, as long as MacIntire is steering clear

34:12

of it. But afterwards,

34:14

why have so many brilliant

34:16

Basque footballers come to

34:18

the fore? I don't know what it

34:21

is, it might be the amazing food, possibly

34:23

the impenetrable language unrelated

34:25

to any other language.

34:28

Maybe the beautiful, verdant countryside, the elegant and

34:30

historic cities, the picture-perfect medieval villages, the cultural

34:32

combination of the historic and the modern, the

34:35

sensational food, perhaps the artistic culture, the spectacular mountains,

34:37

the heroic commitment to the letter Z and X

34:40

in one of the most scrabble-disrupting vocabularies on the

34:42

world language circuit. Maybe a

34:44

culinary culture of quality and creativity

34:46

that produces absolutely sumptuously delicious food.

34:48

Or is it the food? I'll

34:50

just leave it to the experts to decide.

34:52

Are you getting sponsored by Travel Bar? Yeah,

34:54

it says free holiday. I've already paid for

34:56

my holiday this year, but I

34:58

think I'm just projecting. But the food f***ing

35:01

hell, they really know how to put

35:03

something on a plate. The

35:05

view was brought to you by Basque country. On

35:09

the plus side, this is the real positive. Wait,

35:11

that wasn't a plus side. No, that was also

35:13

a plus side. On the plus side, other than

35:15

a team that actually played rather beautiful at the

35:17

ball wedding, during the build-up to the semi-final, Gareth

35:20

Southgate prompted much excitement in the

35:22

environmental science world by saying that

35:24

he had been using hate and

35:26

criticism as fuel. This

35:29

could be the biggest breakthrough in the

35:31

environmental movement ever. Because

35:33

that is one of the

35:36

most renewable, plentiful and long-term

35:38

reliable sources of alternative energy. We

35:40

have never found a limit for our

35:43

ability to create hate and criticism. I

35:45

think this is very exciting. Exciting

35:47

times. Well, then if we powered everything with hate

35:49

and criticism and had like a carbon neutral world,

35:51

then everyone would feel great and positive and we'd

35:53

have an energy crisis. You

35:55

and your f***ing negativity. Sorry, honestly. There you go.

35:58

That's more of it. There we go. I

36:00

just made that thing go on. French

36:08

election news now and well, French democracy

36:10

is in a state of complete chaos

36:12

after the election called to try to

36:14

ward off complete chaos, avoided that complete

36:16

chaos but at least a different and

36:18

I would say probably preferable form of

36:20

complete chaos. Instead, the election

36:23

resulted in three almost equal political blocs trying to

36:25

agree on who should be Prime Minister and how

36:27

to form a government. It's like the old problem

36:29

of the fox, the chicken and the grain, except

36:32

the fox and the chicken are mythical cannibalistic

36:34

dragons and the grain is also a

36:37

mythical cannibalistic dragon. No actual

36:39

dragons were eaten or otherwise harmed in the research for this.

36:42

So to illustrate the results, because it's

36:44

always hard to understand another

36:46

country's politics as an outsider, let's

36:48

imagine that the French parliament is

36:50

a large unpasteurised brie. Well

36:52

that brie has no solidity whatsoever, it's rapidly melting,

36:55

it's not to everyone's taste anyway, part of it

36:57

is absolutely indigestible. And if we leave it till

36:59

October, it'll be a complete disaster area. So that's

37:02

the situation. All right. Yeah.

37:04

Yeah, I get that. Yeah. From

37:07

what I read in the papers, and by papers

37:09

I really do mean TikTok explainer videos, I

37:12

am told that France is now ungovernable, which

37:14

is a little like finding out that Britain

37:16

has an inflated sense of its own global

37:18

importance. All of America's always prioritising nutrition in

37:20

its cuisine. Of course it's ungovernable, it's France,

37:23

it's always been ungovernable, it's on its fifth

37:25

republic. Even we're only on

37:27

our third go figuring out a governmental system, I

37:29

mean technically it's our third, in reality it's the

37:31

first one which we went back to after that

37:33

whole embarrassing trying not to be a monarchy phase that we

37:35

went through when we were 17th century. So

37:38

tricky at teens, aren't they? But so perhaps

37:40

the solution for France is just to give

37:42

the whole fifth republic up and invent a

37:45

new one. Sixth time lucky. I'm going to

37:47

say this should be radical this time. They tried

37:49

monarchy, didn't work. They tried

37:51

democracy, absolutely did not work. All

37:53

of other ways it could go, just to mix things

37:56

up. Theocracy for example, although you know what flavour of

37:58

theocracy. I'm going to say radical is a radical. Islamic

38:00

theocracy, a radical Islamic theocracy in the

38:02

heart of Europe. Firstly, because it would

38:04

spice things up in these very boring

38:06

and if anything too calm times. And

38:09

secondly, because I'm in a sweepstake for when

38:11

exactly someone in the Daily Mail newsroom will

38:13

die of a burst forehead vein. They could

38:15

go for plutocracy, which is government by the

38:17

wealthy, which these days is essentially billionaires, lottery

38:19

winners and footballers. But that way they just

38:21

end up building a big conservatory off the

38:24

coast of Normandy and replacing all the streetlights

38:26

with chandeliers that come on when you clap.

38:28

They can't try gerontocracy, which is government by

38:30

the very old, because that is a proprietary

38:33

trademark of the United States who would sue

38:35

them back if not to the stone age,

38:37

then certainly to a small village of indomitable

38:39

Gauls surrounded by Roman camps. So

38:42

really what they're left with is

38:44

what I suspect is the ideal

38:46

system for them, pornography, government by

38:48

prostitutes, which is surely the most

38:51

French sounding governmental system imaginable with

38:53

the possible exception of kamambocracy or

38:55

government by cheese. Look,

38:59

we got to focus on the good news, right?

39:01

The fascists got defeated. That was good. And I've

39:03

enjoyed reading over some of the candidates,

39:06

the National Rally candidates that didn't get

39:08

elected in the second round. It's quite

39:10

good. There was one candidate, a woman

39:12

who apparently promised she would only stop

39:14

making racist jokes if she was elected.

39:16

There was another candidate who she got into

39:19

an awkward bit of hot water when she

39:21

was denying allegations that her party still had

39:23

racists in its ranks. She's a 50

39:25

year old ambulance driver. She seemed to be at

39:27

a loss when she was asked this question. Eventually

39:29

she replied by claiming to have a Jew as

39:31

an ophthalmologist and a Muslim as a dentist, which

39:34

I guess it's like, hey, some of my best

39:36

friends are ethnic minority, but it's a

39:38

little bit different when you're employing them specifically.

39:41

But it was a very,

39:43

very French result,

39:46

I guess. We have one, but we have also

39:48

lost. I took a gamble, it paid

39:50

off, it backfired. The bicycle was

39:52

at its wheels. It's like a lobster on

39:54

a Christmas tree. Don't be. I

39:56

don't want to anticipate next

39:58

week's bugle, but the Olympic flame arrived in

40:00

France this week. And honestly, not

40:03

now sacred fire. I honestly can't think of a worse

40:05

time to be running around the entirety of France with

40:07

a burning torch. Post-election

40:12

UK news now and

40:15

well, here we are. We recorded

40:18

on the Friday after the election, this

40:20

is our first bugle since then, since

40:22

the morning after the election. So from

40:24

our many Tory supporting listeners, that's one

40:26

fewer bugle before the Conservatives are back

40:28

in office, or before the end of

40:30

all life on earth, whichever comes sooner.

40:32

I'm just checking the latest odds. Well,

40:34

the Tories slight favourite still, but could

40:37

go either way. Just 1,820

40:39

odd sleeps to go until the

40:42

next election, Chrissie. Oh, that's fun, isn't it?

40:44

I told my first article this week in

40:46

the papers about campaigning for the

40:49

next election. It made me sad. Politics

40:52

never sleeps and the Daily Telegraph never f***ing

40:54

calms down, even. No. They're

40:56

going to do themselves a mischievous people. Nurse will

40:58

be in in a minute with your cocoa. Calm

41:00

down. Keir Starman's begun

41:02

with projecting an aura of competence, which again is

41:04

a low bar, but one that too many prime

41:07

ministers have dived headfirst

41:09

into. And I guess, you know,

41:11

being prime minister now is a bit like following Julius

41:13

Caesar in a karaoke competition. I think as a

41:15

nation, we're just glad to see someone who looks like

41:18

they can vaguely follow a bouncing ball on a pop

41:20

lyric and make it up to

41:22

a microphone without being stabbed to death over 2000

41:24

years ago by vengeful conspirators. So, you know, it's

41:26

progress, is it not? Is this good? I've

41:28

already read a couple of starboard jokes. First of

41:30

all, I don't do impressions, but it's my starboard impression. Politics.

41:33

That's all I've got. No, it's pretty good.

41:35

And Keir Starman, I hardly even know her.

41:37

I think that's also good. That's very good.

41:40

That's a pretty good one. Yep. The

41:43

end. How have you enjoyed first post-Tory week? Well,

41:46

it was, I mean, in this country, I

41:48

found it really enjoyable. I found it enormously

41:50

enjoyable watching the Tories blame Labour for everything

41:52

that's wrong in the country. And that just

41:55

the sheer balls to do

41:57

that, I sort of admire in

41:59

a weird way. It's like it's

42:01

a second-hand car dealer handing over the keys and going,

42:03

oh you f***ed all that. I haven't even driven it

42:06

yet. What are you talking about? There

42:08

is this one crisis going on of course is

42:10

that British prisons are bursting at the seams Andy.

42:12

They're running out of room. It's a massive crisis

42:14

for the new Labour government. The

42:17

prisons are chock full of criminals and the rivers are

42:19

full of shit. Thanks a lot Keir Starmer. I say

42:21

this is why we need to bring the Tories back

42:23

in. When they were in power, people who broke the

42:25

law were free to roam the streets and become Prime

42:28

Minister. It was a better time. British

42:31

prisons have been operating at 99% capacity since 2023. Apparently

42:35

they're just weeks away from becoming completely full.

42:38

And these are badly things are going in the UK.

42:40

If you're sick you can't get an NHS appointment and

42:42

if you commit crime you can't even book in a

42:44

jail cell. If you call

42:46

them up apparently you'll hear thank you for calling the

42:48

prison system. All our operators are busy at the moment.

42:50

Please commit a crime at a more convenient time. I'm

42:53

freaking out man. Australia is no longer an option

42:55

okay. Stop looking at me like that Andy. You

42:57

cannot send these prisons back to my

42:59

country. I mean you can send your criminals to

43:02

Australia if you'd like but they'd only be brutally

43:04

punished with sunshine and a higher standard of living.

43:07

We tried it with Julian Assange. One

43:10

at a time. That's the way. One at a time.

43:12

Every seven years. I

43:15

mean interestingly when it comes to prisons, and clearly it's

43:18

just one of the almost infinite number

43:20

of parts of public life that have

43:23

been significantly, shall we say, degraded for

43:25

want of well for in an effort

43:27

not to say f**ked up over 14

43:29

years of Tory rule. Keirstown's

43:32

gone about trying to fix things in a

43:35

really bizarre way. He is appointed as

43:37

prisons minister, someone who is an

43:39

expert on prisons which who's

43:42

not an elected MP James Timpson

43:44

from the Timpson group, and she's

43:46

a key cutting service, will ignore

43:48

the possible irony of that but

43:50

he's the Timpson business has hired

43:53

hundreds of former prisoners and

43:55

you know he's so he's an expert in prisons

43:58

but that's not really what it is. what politics

44:00

is supposed to be. When you appoint someone to

44:03

a ministerial position, they're supposed

44:05

to know absolutely f*** all

44:07

about it when they start, and then

44:09

desperately try to improvise some vaguely coherent,

44:12

if totally implausible and uncosted policies for

44:14

a few months before they're being reallocated

44:17

to another department to f*** that up

44:19

as well. It's the British way. These

44:23

woke people don't care about our customs.

44:26

We have a huge overcrowding problem in this country. The prison population is

44:28

going to the point where the simplest thing might be for us to

44:30

let them all out and the rest of us just go and live

44:32

in the prisons. Last week, the prison

44:34

population in the United Kingdom reached 87,505, which is

44:36

incredibly close to

44:42

2011's all-time high of 88,000. And

44:45

I just feel that for a downtrodden nation

44:47

still bruised from 14 years of Tory mismanagement,

44:50

sulking because it lost the euros, and bereft

44:52

at Jimmy Anderson being forced to retire, it

44:54

would be wonderful if we could finally break

44:56

that record and give us all something to

44:58

be proud of, something to unite the country.

45:00

So we here at the bugle, not so

45:03

much me and Tom Moore and Dean Chris

45:05

as the legally liable ones, are appealing for

45:08

496 buglers to go

45:10

out and break the law. All

45:12

that we ask is that you're imaginative. Have

45:14

some fun with it. Make it your own.

45:16

You know, maybe you could hijack a tram

45:19

and demand that lines be installed for you

45:21

to take it to Cuba. Perhaps you could

45:23

murder a curry or grievously bodily harm a

45:25

kebab. Why not hold up and rob a

45:27

small sub-branch of Paula Venels? Be very careful

45:29

what crime you do choose, though. If you,

45:32

for example, benefit from the misuse of government

45:34

funds by selling millions of pounds of PPE

45:36

to the state, you are more likely to

45:38

end up in the House of Lords than

45:40

prison, adding to an arguably even worse overcrowding

45:42

problem. Well,

45:45

I mean, I like the idea that, you know, 496

45:48

buglers could help break a national record. But

45:51

the state of the court system is

45:53

such that it would take about four

45:55

years for that them all to be

45:58

processed, in terms of the conservative reaction

46:00

to their election. election defeats, Kemi Badenok,

46:02

potential future Tory leader, said

46:05

that the party needs to stop

46:07

leaking stuff to the press and

46:09

this emerged in a leaked report in

46:12

The Times. So it shows

46:15

that Tory still have somewhere to go. I

46:17

like the solution they've come up with for

46:20

this overcrowding problem. There's going to be an

46:22

early release program, early catch and release. Prisoners

46:25

on standard determinate sentences will be released after serving 40%

46:27

of their sentences.

46:29

It would really change the end of the Shawshank Redemption.

46:31

Hey, Andy Dufresne, don't worry about tunneling out

46:33

of here. Just wait for the prison to collapse under the weight

46:35

of admin. If

46:41

I may repeat another very old joke, that might even

46:43

have been in the department, Chris, that prisons in this

46:45

country, people often say they're like

46:47

five-star hotels. Well, they all have

46:49

five-star hotels and they seem to be specifically designed to do

46:52

everything in their power to make their guests come back for

46:54

another stay. That's a really good gag. A little gag for

46:56

all the recidivism fans out there. Ironically,

46:59

repeating the joke. Right.

47:05

Well, that brings us to the end

47:07

of this week's Centre at Bugle. Thank

47:10

you very much for listening. Plug's

47:12

time. We have one more Bugle

47:15

to go before our summer hiatus. Will you be

47:17

spending that in the Basque country, Andy? I will

47:19

be spending some of it in the Basque country.

47:22

Some Bugle shows to plug at

47:24

the Edinburgh Fringe. Neil

47:26

Delamere is doing a show. Tiff Stevenson is

47:29

doing a show. Do you know there are others who

47:31

are doing... Tom Ballard, you are doing an

47:33

Edinburgh Fringe show, are you not? I'm right here.

47:35

I'm totally doing the Edinburgh Fringe. Yes, the whole month.

47:38

4.20pm at the Monkey Barrel. Good point. Well

47:41

made. Then in the following months,

47:43

I'm heading all over the UK,

47:45

Manchester, Birmingham, Leicester, bloody Norwich, Brighton,

47:47

Southampton, Bristol, Liverpool, Leeds, and

47:50

a few European dates as well. All the

47:52

details at comedy.com.au. It's

47:55

going to be the best. Also, while

47:57

I'm plugging, come to see my tour

47:59

show. Andy Zoltgeist beginning on the 1st

48:01

of November, about 45 dates

48:03

dotted around the universe, predominantly

48:05

the UK. Details at

48:08

my recently revamped website

48:10

andysaltzman.co.uk. Chris? Yes.

48:13

Anything to plug? Just a

48:16

couple of extra batteries

48:19

and other electric items.

48:21

You see what that is. I see that. I've

48:24

got nothing. Nothing. I've got

48:26

nothing. I'm basically, I'm drawing the doll. I'm

48:28

only doing this so I can say I've been actively searching for work.

48:32

Anyway, thank you very much for listening,

48:34

Bugleers. If you want to join the

48:36

Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to keep this

48:38

show free, flourishing and independent, and

48:41

also get access to the universe exclusive

48:43

monthly Ask Andy show in which I

48:45

answer some of your questions with zero

48:47

accuracy, go to the

48:49

bugle podcast.com and click the donate

48:52

button. Until next time, goodbye. Bye.

48:59

Bye.