0:01

the bugle audio newspaper

0:03

for a visual world

0:06

hello buglers and welcome

0:08

to issue four thousand

0:10

three hundred and twenty eight

0:13

of the bugle audio newspaper

0:15

for a visual world with

0:17

me and his ultimate it

0:19

is the twentieth of january

0:21

twenty twenty five it is

0:24

five p m uk time

0:26

Midday Washington DC time and

0:28

as we record in Washington

0:30

DC I don't know someone

0:32

somewhere is having a bath

0:35

a dog is maybe chasing

0:37

a stick in the park

0:39

a kid is watching Sesame

0:41

Street there's a bench somewhere a

0:43

guy is learning out of play

0:46

the F shop called on his guitar

0:48

two grandmothers are signing up for

0:50

an online wrestling course a worm

0:53

is trying to chat itself I

0:55

just don't want to think about anything

0:57

else It might be happening in

0:59

DC right now. Joining me to talk about

1:02

how lovely the trees look at this

1:04

time of year, the best temperature of

1:06

hot chocolate, and whether a packet of

1:08

spaghetti is better than a bunch of

1:10

flowers, and other such topics. Firstly, from

1:13

San Francisco, resplendent in a bugle bubble

1:15

hat. It's NATO green. Hello NATO. Hello,

1:17

Andy, hello buglers. Andy, I feel like

1:19

I should just start with an update.

1:21

The last time I was on... in

1:24

November, I said in the context of

1:26

a bit that I might have cancer.

1:28

And it was at the time true

1:30

that I might have had, but a

1:32

lot of buglers wrote to me and

1:34

said, are you okay? So I had

1:37

a biopsy, I had a prostate biopsy,

1:39

and I don't know if you realize

1:41

this, but I didn't realize it until

1:43

it was happening to me, but a

1:45

biopsy is where they cut out part

1:48

of your body from the inside and

1:50

take it out. And so I the

1:52

good news is that I ended up,

1:54

I don't have cancer. The bad news

1:56

is that now I have to engage

1:59

with the world. So, but one

2:01

of the, as with the

2:03

side effects of the of

2:05

the biopsy, they said, there

2:07

might be some blood in

2:09

your shit piss and come

2:11

for a while. Right. And

2:13

so, let's, I don't want

2:15

to be too graphic, but

2:17

Andy, let's say that I

2:20

put the butt in abattoir.

2:22

The, on Christmas night, I

2:24

called my hospital frantically, I

2:26

said, is my bathroom supposed

2:28

to look like... a crime

2:30

scene in Dexter. And

2:32

because it's American health

2:34

care, they said, have

2:36

more fluids. So I

2:38

don't have cancer. I've

2:40

stopped bleeding for the

2:42

moment. Things are, I've

2:44

started 2025 on a

2:46

good note. Thank you,

2:48

Bugelis, for your concern

2:51

and your messages of

2:53

compassion. In my personal

2:55

life. at the limits of

2:57

my own skin, things are

2:59

not getting worse immediately. That's

3:01

the best I have. A

3:03

message of hope for all

3:05

America at this difficult time.

3:07

Well that's that's that's great

3:10

news NATO also joining us

3:12

from here in London it's

3:14

Tiffany Stevenson hello Tiff hello

3:16

I'm joining you from the

3:18

chili enclave of Muswell Hill which

3:20

has been without get this is

3:22

my peeve I haven't had to

3:24

go any I have any horrifying

3:26

checkups so but I haven't had

3:29

gas for nine days which is

3:31

unusual in this house because normally

3:33

plenty of gas from me but

3:35

yes there was water got into

3:37

the gas pipe So a whole

3:39

section of North London is sort

3:41

of without gas. So I've been

3:43

working from the bed with my

3:45

husband like Grandma Josephine and Grandpa

3:47

Bucket. We're just in the bed with

3:50

the doves pulled up to our chin

3:52

trying to keep warm and drinking hot

3:54

chocolate, which you did mention. And

3:56

I genuinely Google. This is how

3:58

tragic I am yesterday. Can you just

4:00

heat up chocolate milk? Because we had

4:03

some chocolate milk and I wanted it and

4:05

I was like, can you just heat that

4:07

up in the microwave and does it become

4:09

hot chocolate? It turns out it does.

4:11

Well there we go. So we started

4:13

with two good news stories on the

4:16

bubble. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that run

4:18

is going to continue. Yeah, if all

4:20

chocolate can be hot chocolate if you

4:22

make it hot enough. Yes. We

4:28

are recording on the 20th of

4:30

January as I said on this

4:32

day or the 21st of January

4:35

in 2021, 2013, 2009, 2005, 2001,

4:37

1997, 93,98581, 77, 73, 69, 65,

4:39

61, 57, 57, 57, 57, 57,

4:42

55, 57, 53, 49, 45, 41

4:44

and 37, a less stomach churning

4:46

US presidential inauguration

4:48

was taking place and in some of

4:51

those years that is saying something. Also

4:53

on this day in 13 billion BC,

4:55

the Big Bang happened, according to new

4:57

research, and the state of the universe

4:59

now really shows how sometimes a soft

5:02

rollout is better than a hard launch.

5:04

As always, a section of the bugle

5:06

is going straight in the bin. This

5:08

week, how to get fit using only

5:10

existential despair and collective guilt of the

5:12

failures of the civilisation. And also our...

5:15

Bugle Young Peace Broker of the Year

5:17

Awards for any listeners under the age

5:19

of 60. You can enter the Young

5:21

Peace Broker of the Ward just complete

5:23

the following sentence. I think everyone everywhere

5:25

should learn to get along because dot

5:28

dot dot and you need to finish

5:30

that and no fewer than 3.2 million

5:32

words plus supporting graphs and maps

5:34

with some hastily drawn British lines

5:36

on do send them into the

5:38

Bugle London. Those sections in the bin.

5:43

Top story this week. Yes, it

5:46

is re-inauguration day as the

5:48

two parallel Americas rejoice stroke

5:50

quiver at what America is

5:52

doing to itself. We are

5:54

recording as I said as

5:56

the inauguration is taking place

5:58

in Washington DC 5 p.m. UK, 9

6:00

a.m. San Francisco and NATO is... I will admit

6:02

I wasn't going to watch it anyway for

6:04

various reasons. One, because I want to

6:07

be able to look at my children

6:09

in the eye with at least a

6:11

vague scintilla of hope for humanity partially

6:13

discernible in my face. Two, because there's

6:15

some sport on later and I didn't

6:17

want to have to watch it through

6:19

a coating of vomit on my TV

6:21

screen. Three, because what's the fucking point?

6:23

Four, because if it turns out to

6:25

be really good, I can just watch

6:27

Trump being inaugurated again in another four

6:29

years time and then another eight years

6:31

time. Five, because I'm too busy writing

6:33

down a list of all the reasons

6:35

to be hopeful for America in the

6:38

world. I've set myself a target of

6:40

two things, and I'm how you... enjoying,

6:42

well I don't know if

6:44

any, are either of you

6:47

currently watching it as we're

6:49

recording? No, I'm not, I'm

6:51

not watching, I'm not going

6:53

to watch, the, I would

6:56

describe Andy the mood

6:58

in America as miserable

7:00

and dejected. The

7:02

thing about, the thing about

7:04

the right is that they

7:07

don't even seem to enjoy

7:09

winning. They seem as mad and

7:11

miserable to be winning as they

7:13

do when they're, it's like, you

7:15

know, and the contrast to eight

7:17

years ago, when Trump was around

7:19

the first inauguration in 2017, is

7:22

quite striking because uh... you know

7:24

i i remember like when you

7:26

know that there was all of

7:28

this you know of the the

7:30

electoral college will stop him uh...

7:32

oh no they won't you know

7:34

that they won't certify the election

7:36

oh they will the the media

7:39

will hold him to account oh

7:41

they're not they're not going to

7:43

do that at all the courts

7:45

will constrain him oh no that's

7:47

not going to happen actually so

7:49

the the the the the civil

7:51

the civil servants in the government

7:53

bureaucracy will limit his worst No,

7:55

no, that's not happening either. I

7:57

mean it was just like one

7:59

after another of realizing that

8:01

our entire apparatus rests

8:03

on someone just respecting

8:06

some basic norms that

8:08

are fundamentally unenforceable. Like

8:11

do you ever have

8:13

the experience where you're like

8:15

in a car park and

8:17

you're waiting for a parking

8:20

space and someone comes in

8:22

and takes the parking space

8:24

and then you wanna? like

8:26

drone strike their entire family.

8:28

And then you realize that

8:31

there's no higher authority that

8:33

will enforce the social norms

8:35

around queuing for a parking

8:37

space. That's kind of how

8:40

American democracy works at this

8:42

point. And to give you

8:44

a sense of my neighborhood

8:46

where I live in San

8:49

Francisco, I live in a

8:51

neighborhood called Bernal Heights, my

8:53

block voted for Kamala Harris,

8:55

So, and seven of the

8:57

remaining 9% it

9:00

was those people were

9:02

literally having a stroke

9:05

when they were filling

9:07

out their ballot. So,

9:10

so there are fewer

9:12

Trump voters in my

9:14

neighborhood than people with

9:17

HDV. So, the. So,

9:19

and it's a hill, so it's

9:21

a very steep hill, narrow streets,

9:23

and then at the top of

9:25

the hill is a park with

9:28

a gorgeous panoramic view of the

9:30

city. You should come visit. And

9:32

so up in the neighborhood on

9:34

the telephone poles, this weekend signs

9:36

went up, invited the entire neighborhood

9:39

to assemble at the top of

9:41

the hill right now for a

9:43

collective primal scream. So that's what's

9:45

going on in my neighborhood right

9:48

now. Because it might filter through

9:50

just as we were recording this. I

9:52

did all the anger and jokes last

9:54

time round, like this time I think he's

9:56

going to nail it. I think he'll be

9:58

fine if he gets the right. crystals. We're

10:00

just going to girly him and JD

10:02

Lance through this presidency. Like he's a

10:05

Gemini cow, he's just going to be

10:07

hot yoga, Stanley cups at press briefings,

10:09

manifesting executive orders, you know, scheduling a

10:11

pumpkin spice latte session with Rubio to

10:13

talk about why China and India are

10:16

being bitches. And he's going to try

10:18

and make himself look popular by giving

10:20

back the kids their tick-tock, you know,

10:22

before falling out with Besty Musk over

10:25

H-1B visas and having to go back

10:27

to the vision board. which is like

10:29

the drawing board for girlies. I

10:31

mean the world has seen some

10:33

unwanted sequels in its time as

10:36

certain form of bugle co-hosts could

10:38

probably testify but Trump versus everything

10:40

America once claimed to stand for

10:42

too was not particularly appetizing and

10:44

I mean it's still I just

10:47

still can't quite get my head

10:49

around how it's happened at NATO

10:51

essentially this is you know America

10:53

basically the chickens enthusiastically welcoming the

10:56

fox back into the coop saying

10:58

at last someone who understands our

11:00

needs and will govern in our

11:02

interests. Yeah, I mean it's it's

11:05

it's an especially depressing time to

11:07

be a political comic because I'm

11:09

already being reminded of the feeling

11:11

like as a political comic, Trump

11:14

is a speed up of my

11:16

job. Like if this if this

11:18

were an assembly line, the political

11:20

comics would be losing their fingers.

11:23

And so it's just like this

11:25

endless fire hose of shit. It's

11:27

like like like like I started.

11:29

I started writing and preparing for

11:31

today's show, and by the time

11:34

I went to sleep, there was

11:36

a news story about a Trump

11:38

crypto scam that was underway, and

11:40

I was like, I can't be

11:42

bothered. It's going to be a

11:44

long 37 years of the Trump Reich,

11:47

and I have to pace myself. I

11:49

have to space out these jokes. And

11:51

I mean, what's comforting to me in

11:54

this moment is I can go back

11:56

to my natural state, which is hating

11:58

the Democratic Party. As a Democrat,

12:01

the Democratic Party, like, Andy,

12:03

you, like, I think I

12:05

was on, you know, in

12:07

the early days of the

12:09

Harris campaign, when we had,

12:11

I had about, maybe a week

12:14

and a half of hope. That's

12:16

a personal best, isn't it? It

12:18

was a record, yeah. And, and,

12:20

and. you know of my lifelong

12:22

commitment to voting for Democrats while

12:24

hating the Democrats and I guess

12:26

this is what sports fans feels

12:28

like when you're yelling at the

12:30

screen you know he's open or

12:32

whatever except in my case the

12:35

opposing team is trying to win

12:37

and my team is just I

12:39

guess stretching while they run out

12:41

the clock before they go to

12:43

brunch so I was gonna I was

12:45

gonna say are they gonna do that

12:47

or they're just gonna wait out because

12:50

it just seems to be everyone I

12:52

at the upper echelons of like the

12:54

sphere are like oxygenarians. I presume that's

12:56

why they've moved the inauguration

12:59

indoors today because they literally

13:01

might freeze to death. It's minus

13:03

13. They're like they've even got

13:05

Nelly to sing his hot in

13:07

here. I didn't know if you knew that

13:09

Nellie was booked, but apparently

13:11

there's a country singer Jason

13:14

Alde, the Village People, at

13:16

the Liberty inaugural ball, one

13:18

of three official balls marking

13:20

Trump's return to office. Unlike

13:22

Hitler, who only had one

13:24

official ball, this one of

13:26

the dictator has three. Well it didn't seem

13:29

that the performers at the inauguration, did you

13:31

say the village people said yes, Elton John

13:33

said no, I wasn't asked, but would have

13:35

said maybe, but only if you can do

13:37

my joke about Donald Trump and the sexy

13:39

pumpkin. And the village people... They defended their

13:41

appearance and they said their song,

13:43

YMCA, is a global anthem that

13:45

hopefully helps bring the country together

13:47

after a tumultuous and divided campaign where

13:49

our preferred candidates lost. And, you know,

13:52

I mean, if there is one thing

13:54

America has not voted for, it is

13:56

for national healing. That is the absolute

13:58

opposite of what that vote. and also

14:00

if you're going to choose one

14:02

70 disco classic to represent modern

14:04

America I don't know very good mind

14:06

who's going to be at the

14:08

inauguration we've got Zuckeburg Musk and Bizos

14:11

maybe don't stop till you get enough

14:13

more more the hustle or I

14:15

feel nothing I feel loved so I'm

14:18

always forgetting the tennis angle on that

14:20

one but I mean it is so

14:22

the fact that Zuckeburg Bizos and

14:24

and Musk I don't know what the

14:27

collective noun is for tech plutocrats. Is

14:29

it a grovel, a betrayal, a

14:31

ship brigade, a polyp, an objection

14:33

or a projectile diarrhea? I forget,

14:36

but there's definitely some term for

14:38

a... I think a conspiracy of geeks.

14:40

I think we need to go back

14:42

to calling them geeks because they keep

14:44

calling themselves disruptors, you know, like and

14:46

that's their model and that's why they

14:48

voted for Trump, you know, we're disruptors,

14:50

we're disruptors, let's go back to calling

14:52

them nerds and geeks and being really

14:54

mean to them because I think phrasing

14:56

them has got us nowhere. Yes, I

14:59

mean in terms of Trump as a

15:01

disruptor as well, I mean he's already

15:03

seems to have announced a delige of

15:06

instant measures to further in factify the

15:08

USA and its neighbouring countries. If you

15:10

want to make an omelet, you have

15:13

to whack the chicken in the face

15:15

with a sledgehammer, then hurl the frying

15:17

pan at a prey down and urinate

15:19

into the paddling book. So that's, you

15:22

know, it's all starting again. I mean,

15:24

it's still a bit odd for me

15:26

that he's not in jail after

15:29

his sentence to zero minutes

15:31

in jail on the little-known

15:33

34 strikes and not our

15:35

Martin Luther King holiday, which...

15:38

is so like beyond it's

15:40

like an affront to the idea

15:42

of irony. And it really

15:44

recalls to mind the Martin

15:47

Luther King quote, the arc

15:49

of history is long, but

15:51

it bends towards justice. I

15:54

would like to respectfully request

15:56

of the Reverend Dr. King

15:58

to hurry. up a bit.

16:01

It's about bending quicker. Yeah,

16:03

the grade on that bend

16:05

towards justice is really, it's

16:07

so imperceptible as a bend

16:10

that it looks like a

16:12

flat line sometimes. Dr. King,

16:14

you know, celebrated progress towards

16:16

civil rights and today we

16:19

are inaugurating the man who

16:21

singlehandily makes the argument against

16:23

the innate superiority of the

16:25

white race. His guy Steve

16:28

Bannon is a white supremacist,

16:30

supreme is such a

16:32

strong term, not even

16:34

like white people are

16:36

fine too I guess.

16:38

Steve Bannon looks like

16:40

a toilet in Los

16:42

Angeles after being ravaged

16:45

by the wildfires in that

16:47

he's cracked blistered white and

16:49

filled with shit. I think,

16:51

Tim, I think you're right,

16:53

they had to move inside

16:55

because it was too cold

16:58

and this is the gang

17:00

that wants to restore traditional

17:02

masculinity. Where men are men

17:04

only between four and twenty

17:06

degrees Celsius. Yeah, tough it

17:08

out guys. You should be

17:10

whim-hoffing. You should be doing special

17:13

breathing through the entire inauguration, which

17:15

will be interested when they get, when it gets sworn

17:17

in. for me. I, you see, because in America you

17:19

say curse, but I like the idea to be literally

17:21

sworn in, like, for fucking sake, we've got to swear

17:24

him in. Well, it's a swearing in and there's a

17:26

swearing at, and they both generally happen at around about the

17:28

same time. I mean, it is odd, you know, when Trump will basically bring

17:30

provocation, resentment, egotism, spite, incompetence, delusion, enmity, nastiness, temper, incensarity, acrimony, and

17:32

laziness, and laziness, but you put you put you put you put

17:34

you put it all together, and laziness, and laziness, but you put

17:36

you put you put you put it all together, you put, you

17:39

put it all together, you put, you put it all together, you

17:41

put it, you put, you put, you put in, you put in,

17:43

you put in, you put in, you put in, you put in,

17:45

you put in, you put in, you put in, you put in

17:47

But that is the world that we

17:49

now live in, sadly, where unelectability is

17:52

the new electability, wrong is the new

17:54

right, fury is the new forgiveness, and

17:56

treasonous destruction of the pillars of democracy

17:58

is the new patriotism. I guess one

18:00

positive to come out of today so far

18:03

is conclusive proof of the non-existence

18:05

of God which might at least

18:07

heal some divisions around the world

18:09

because Donald Trump arrived at St

18:11

John's Church in Washington DC with

18:14

his wife for a service ahead

18:16

of the inauguration and nothing. Nothing

18:18

from the big man, not a thunderbolt

18:20

from the heavens, not even a darkening

18:22

of the skies or the sun blotted

18:24

out by a swarm of rabid pheasants,

18:27

or a rending of a spontaneous melting

18:29

of stained glass windows before they reconfigure

18:31

into a picture of Jesus vomiting uncontrollably

18:33

into a bucket of weeping puppies, or

18:35

even a voice from the heaven saying,

18:37

come on, this is getting ridiculous now.

18:40

Nothing, nothing, so at last we know,

18:42

God, definitely doesn't exist. Well speaking

18:44

of unelected people, Liz Truss is

18:46

in Washington. Yeah, you know, what's

18:48

red, white and blue and looks

18:50

like a cat. It's a cross

18:52

in her magga hat. I mean, she's

18:55

really, she's really gotten on the grift

18:57

of, I think she was, she's

18:59

been attending a lot of the

19:02

rallies and conferences and telling everyone

19:04

about a liberty bail shower head.

19:06

which has probably been cracked and

19:08

I'm not going to say how.

19:11

But yeah, she's out there representing,

19:13

what I don't know, but she's there.

19:15

Liz Trust is just getting about,

19:17

because she was also at the

19:19

fringe this year, I don't know if

19:21

you know this NATO, but Liz turned

19:23

up to do a show at the

19:25

Edinburgh Fringe, yeah, because she knows all

19:27

about doing a five-week run and losing

19:30

a full ton of money. She

19:32

took the only great figure of

19:34

British politics in the US for

19:37

the inauguration. Nigel Farage and Pretty

19:39

Patel apparently also there, the sad

19:41

scrapings from the rotting bottom of

19:44

the British political barrel. But it's

19:46

interesting to see how British politicians

19:48

are changing their tune on Trump.

19:50

David Lammy, the Foreign Secretary, who

19:53

previously has described Donald Trump as

19:55

a woman hating neo-Nazi sociop. This

19:57

week described Trump as gracious and...

20:00

generous and very friendly before going

20:02

on to describe his pet Halladmott

20:04

Morris as a bone dry quadruped

20:07

with a sonorous singing voice and

20:09

biceps she would kill for. He

20:11

said, let me explain his change

20:14

of approach, I have said the

20:16

approach has got to be progressive

20:18

realism and obviously has always a

20:21

fine line between progressive realism and

20:23

regressive delusionism. And he added, you

20:26

meet the world as it is,

20:28

not as you would wish it

20:30

to be. And personally I just

20:33

prefer not to meet the world

20:35

at all right now. Me in

20:37

the world are on a break.

20:40

I might start sleeping with other

20:42

worlds. I think that's interesting. It

20:44

sort of touches upon the thing

20:47

that Dave Chappelle said on S&L

20:49

which is like they voted for

20:51

you now please just try and

20:54

do your best. which is you

20:56

know maybe an attitude that people

20:58

are taking of like going well

21:01

now how do we we can

21:03

rage about this or how do

21:06

we move forward and how do

21:08

we protect the things that we

21:10

think need protecting and the stuff

21:13

that we hold dear and and

21:15

hope hope that he that he

21:17

might do some good with his

21:20

presidency yeah I hope that one

21:22

day I will win an Olympic

21:24

medal in synchronized diving. We mutton

21:27

abandon hope no matter how unrealistic

21:29

it seems at the time. He's

21:31

tapped up Mel Gibson Sylvester Stallone

21:34

and John Vite to be his

21:36

ambassadors in Hollywood. All the young

21:39

dudes. Yeah. Is Joe McCarthy still

21:41

dead? Because they don't just get

21:43

in back to sort Hollywood out

21:46

again. Mel Gibson apparently is working

21:48

on the passion of the Christ

21:50

too. There's another sequel. Subtitle zombie,

21:53

zombie, zombie, Jesus and the Donkey

21:55

of Vengeance, which could be a

21:58

sensational film. the instant

22:00

results of Donald Trump

22:02

rebecoming president is that

22:04

tic-toc it's long aching

22:06

ban from America which

22:08

lasted literally hours is

22:10

back online apparently I

22:12

don't know long term

22:14

whether The band will

22:16

stand seems unlikely. Tiffany,

22:18

if you are our

22:20

American social media correspondent,

22:22

just bring us up

22:25

to date with exactly what's going

22:27

on. Yeah, I mean, it's literally

22:29

less than 24 hours since the

22:31

morning, the American Morningford. tick-tock, you

22:33

know, we'd only just had the

22:35

eulogy. I mean, what could I

22:38

say about this plucky Chinese upstart

22:40

that launched a thousand dancing healthcare

22:42

workers and gave terrible contraceptive advice

22:44

to millions of young women? It

22:46

was beautiful, actually, to watch

22:48

the funeral cortege of mourners dabbing.

22:50

And it was very touching to

22:53

see celebrities such as Tom Brady

22:55

and Jack Black recreate the wet-ass-pussy

22:57

dance as a drone display spelled

22:59

out RIP cap-cut in the sky.

23:01

That was a very emotional moment.

23:03

I choked up during that. You

23:06

know Jimmy Carter's funeral, the Secret

23:08

Service, accompanied him on his way

23:10

to be sort of interned I

23:12

think. And at the Tiktok funeral,

23:14

10 influencers live stream, get ready

23:16

with me from inside the hearse. That

23:18

was a really nice moment. I lip-synched

23:20

the service on my tick-top because obviously we

23:23

were still able to use it here. So

23:25

then I followed it up with a very

23:27

long explainer about how none of us really

23:29

work for ourselves when we're at the mercy

23:32

of social media platforms and arbitrary algorithms. Also

23:34

I don't know how to fix any of

23:36

this, so please click to subscribe. How do

23:38

we fix it? How do we fix it?

23:40

I mean, it feels now, now that the...

23:43

Tic-toc has had a reprieve. It feels very

23:45

much like this was set up to kind

23:47

of curry favor, I guess, that Trump, it

23:49

makes him look very cool, doesn't it,

23:51

for the tick? Because I was literally

23:54

seeing videos of people crying, going, I've

23:56

lost my entire income, you know, tick-tock

23:58

is my, this is given. me a

24:00

career, it's how I do all of my

24:02

stuff. And it does frighten me as someone

24:04

who's on, you know, I'm not sort of

24:07

not really on Facebook as much, but is

24:09

on all the other various platforms like as

24:11

a way to get audiences to the show.

24:13

And my job seems to be now as

24:16

much as anything else is providing clip,

24:18

need clip, want to clip, like

24:20

one minute 30 of trying to.

24:22

cram an entire, you know, 16,

24:24

17 year career of stand up

24:26

until one minute 30 or 90

24:29

second bursts in order to beg

24:31

people to come out and pay

24:33

money to see you live. Totally

24:35

fine. It's totally fine. It's why

24:38

I got into this, but yes,

24:40

it doesn't make me wonder like

24:42

the ability to be able to

24:44

sort of snatch that away. But

24:46

like I say it does kind

24:48

of all feel a bit set

24:50

up now because it isn't the

24:52

founder of TikTok at the

24:55

inauguration. So it feels

24:57

like it's you know even

24:59

the announcement was like thank

25:01

you to the work of

25:03

President Donald Trump we're back.

25:05

I mean even Jesus

25:07

they dead longer than

25:09

TikTok. Yeah, give it's

25:11

three days guys. I

25:13

asked my kids how

25:15

their friends were preparing

25:17

for it and how

25:19

they felt about it.

25:22

My kids aren't big

25:24

TikTok users, but their

25:26

friends are. And they

25:28

said that their classmates

25:30

were installing Red Note,

25:32

the Chinese version of

25:34

TikTok, and literally learning

25:36

Mandarin. Yeah but Trump's

25:38

going to say he deserves

25:41

a Nobel Peace Prize for

25:43

getting billions of American children

25:45

to learn Mandarin. He'll take

25:47

credit for that. Let's stay

25:50

in America now for an

25:52

update on the Los Angeles

25:54

fires and exactly who is

25:56

to blame. Now obviously NATO,

25:58

this is your home state. All

26:00

qualified and respected scientists know that

26:02

the LA fires have been caused

26:05

by Californian voters in November

26:07

passing proposition three, a constitutional

26:09

amendment that enshrined the right

26:11

to same-sex marriage in the state

26:14

constitution, thus bringing the vengeance

26:16

of the Lord onto California.

26:18

Obviously we assumed it would

26:20

be another earthquake, maybe a

26:22

spontaneous volcano, maybe a plague

26:25

of feral squirrels, maybe even

26:27

a career-ending, soup-drinking, soup-drinking,

26:29

But it's come obviously in the

26:31

form of these fires, but some

26:33

people are looking around for other

26:35

other sources of blame for

26:38

this Los Angeles has multiple

26:40

Major fires underway and and

26:42

it's it's a catastrophe Lots

26:44

of people have been displaced lots

26:47

of people have lost homes including

26:49

members of my of my family

26:51

people are rebuilding their lives But

26:54

Trump is on the case and

26:56

he blames the smelt That is,

26:58

Trump has announced that the

27:00

reason that there are fires

27:02

is that Gavin Newsom is

27:04

not sending Southern California enough

27:07

water because he was saving

27:09

the water to protect the

27:11

habitat of the smelt, which

27:13

is a small fish that

27:15

you might eat fried. And

27:17

it's surprising that Trump would

27:19

wage war on the smelt

27:21

because of how much he

27:23

likes fried food. I'm not

27:25

going to say because of

27:27

the dealt. Yes. Normally the

27:30

one who smelled it. But

27:32

so Trump thinks it's the

27:35

fish. Generally people think there's

27:37

also been a whole line

27:40

of argument that it's That

27:42

the Los Angeles fire chief is

27:44

a lesbian the first lesbian fire

27:47

chief and so that the

27:49

reason for the fires is

27:51

the wokeness So it's not it's

27:53

not climate change. It's not systematic

27:56

defunding of public services infrastructure

27:58

or the decision To keep

28:00

rebuilding communities in fire zones despite

28:02

Malibu having burned down repeatedly over

28:04

many years. Nope, it's the lesbian

28:06

fire chief and their calls for

28:09

her resignation despite union support. There

28:11

was one analyst who said in

28:13

the news that she wasn't quote

28:16

ready for prime time which refers

28:18

to the time in television with

28:20

which the most expected audience for

28:22

advertising purposes. Also, obviously, the form

28:24

of time that can only be

28:26

divided by itself in the number

28:28

one. And so, she might not

28:31

be ready for prime time, but we

28:33

live in age of streaming, and so

28:35

who things about prime time anymore? It's

28:37

such a 90s question. Really, the question

28:40

is, is she bingeable? And I think

28:42

she is. So her name is the

28:44

fire chief's name is Crowley and I

28:46

want to I want to just briefly

28:49

recap her resume so we can determine

28:51

if this was a failure of wokeness

28:53

to let this unqualified lesbian run the

28:56

fire to bar. Bill Maher said. That

28:58

was what Bill Maher said is, was

29:00

she the best candidate or was

29:03

she the best lesbian candidate?

29:05

As though those two things

29:07

were mutually exclusive. So she

29:09

was hired in 2022 and

29:12

they were worried that the

29:14

implication in Maher's comment

29:16

is that lesbians are

29:18

less qualified, but come

29:20

on, who knows more

29:22

about moisture and friction

29:24

than lesbians? Here's her background.

29:27

Crowley is a 22 veteran of

29:29

the LA Fire Department. This is

29:31

according to the announcement when they

29:33

appointed her fire chief. Chief Crowley

29:36

has proven her credibility character by

29:38

promoting through the ranks. She served

29:40

as a firefighter paramedic engineer, fire

29:42

inspector, captain one, captain two, battalion

29:44

chief, assistant chief, chief, chief, chief,

29:46

chief deputy, and fire chief. Now

29:49

the part of this that I'm

29:51

personally most upset about is learning

29:53

the hard way that in the

29:55

LA Fire Department, deputy chief and

29:57

chief deputy are different jobs. She

30:00

also served nine years as a

30:02

battalion commander. That sounds like a

30:04

lot to me. That sounds like

30:06

someone who's highly qualified for the

30:09

position objectively. But to be fair,

30:11

what do I know? I'm not

30:13

qualified to evaluate the qualifications of

30:15

someone to be a fire chief.

30:17

So are you going to be

30:20

a fire chief and not like

30:22

the holes? I would argue that

30:24

DEI is not selecting a 20-year

30:26

fire department veteran to be a

30:29

chief, a fire chief who also

30:31

happens to be a lesbian, DEI

30:33

is allowing random white men on

30:35

the internet whose entire knowledge of

30:37

firefighting comes from watching backdraft to

30:40

weigh in on the qualifications of

30:42

the fire department. That's fucking DEI

30:44

for you. Also, I wonder if

30:46

she's related to Alistair Crowley. in

30:49

which case she would know about

30:51

hellfire and how to deal with

30:53

it. It's bizarre isn't it that

30:55

as soon as the sort of

30:57

fires happened there was an instant

31:00

sort of influx of wellness influencers

31:02

who there will there's a there's

31:04

no depth to which... As old

31:06

as time itself. Like in the

31:08

wake of the fire selling tinctures

31:11

supplements essential... essential oils for smoke

31:13

inhalation and as we all know

31:15

like oil is an accelerant for

31:17

fire, maybe they hope to calm

31:20

that with the raw milk they're

31:22

also offering up. I just want

31:24

to know if they're doing this

31:26

for fires what are they going

31:28

to do for a tsunami, you

31:31

know, rebalance all that salty water

31:33

you'll be swallowing as you fight

31:35

for your life with my personal

31:37

wellness sugar pills, real as partamine,

31:40

only 30% carcinogenic, 50% of the

31:42

time, or maybe for a hurricane.

31:44

In the light of this force

31:46

10 gale raging through the South

31:48

Coast, I'm offering a 15% discount

31:51

on my leadline line sneakers. which

31:53

will prevent you from being lifted

31:55

into the eye of the storm.

31:57

No wicked witch of the West

31:59

on my watch. Just use the

32:02

code Twister 15 when you check

32:04

out. I mean, the term John

32:06

Oliver used on the bugle many

32:08

years ago, catastrophe. the opportunity to

32:10

profit from disaster. Look at the

32:12

state of the environment and the

32:14

global economy. Exploiting the victims of

32:16

natural disasters might be one of

32:18

the few growth industries over coming

32:20

decades along with green tech companies

32:22

that can turn hypocrisy into electricity.

32:24

Makers of padded headbands, there's going

32:26

to be huge increase in people

32:28

slamming their heads onto their tables

32:30

in frustration at the state of

32:32

the planet. And of course, test cricket statistics.

32:35

Please, if I say it, it'll come true.

32:37

But we in the Buell are not afraid

32:39

to jump on these bandbagons. We can offer

32:41

you a number of bugle-branded and endorsed

32:43

wellness products, including fossil

32:46

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32:48

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32:50

nutritional goodness in one mouthful. Horse

32:52

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32:54

a horse gently whinnying on a

32:56

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32:58

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33:00

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33:02

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33:12

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lady orchards which can make you

33:18

recover up to 12 times as

33:21

quickly from a disappointing snooze. So

33:23

all available via the bugle website.

33:27

Ceasefire news now and well

33:29

so far as we record the ceasefire

33:31

is holding that's I think

33:33

now more than eight minutes

33:36

my optimismometer is flickering above the

33:38

0.01% which may be naive of

33:40

me I mean the fact that

33:43

it even got this far I

33:45

guess is it is positive Benjamin

33:47

Netanyahu had accused a

33:49

mass of renaking on

33:51

the deal before the

33:53

deal even even began, but

33:55

some hostages have been released

33:57

under a very complicated scheme.

34:00

that over the next six weeks

34:02

will hopefully not see further

34:04

atrocities and tragedies. NATO, am I

34:06

right to have a few flickerings

34:08

of partial hope? Look I'm a

34:10

huge fan of peace harmony, global

34:12

stability, human happiness and shit like

34:14

that. And I know being a

34:16

fan of that kind of stuff

34:18

is like supporting a really bad

34:20

sports team, as you mentioned earlier

34:22

on, you know realistically you're never

34:24

going to win at the highest

34:26

level, but you still support it,

34:28

because you love it, you grow

34:30

up with it, your parents got

34:32

you into it, no matter how logically

34:34

you accept that it's going to bring

34:36

you more disappointment than joy, you

34:38

just can't change sides and start

34:41

supporting war, movie and division. Because

34:43

I mean history that endless source

34:45

of grumpy and disappointment that it

34:47

is suggests that after deals like

34:49

this the words and they all

34:51

lived happily ever after don't always follow

34:53

Immediately so how are you seeing

34:55

it right now? First of all

34:57

like obviously this the way what

35:00

happened? Is that I mean there

35:02

were all these reports over the

35:04

last several months that Trump was

35:06

communicating directly with Netanyahu and so

35:08

Trump and Netanyahu clearly worked out

35:10

an agreement to hold out the

35:12

on the ceasefire until after Trump

35:15

won, knowing that this issue was

35:17

a huge liability for Biden and

35:19

getting reelected. And so Netanyahu got

35:21

what he wanted, which is to

35:23

be a fucking bastard, and for

35:26

a few months longer, and Trump

35:28

wanted to find out whether Israel

35:30

could do anything that would be

35:33

an actual red line for Biden.

35:35

and there was not. Biden would rather

35:37

let Trump blow up the entire world

35:40

than withhold a single tank shell. There

35:42

was all this, all these calls on

35:44

Biden to cut off military aid to

35:47

Israel that was presented in

35:49

the name of Israel defending itself.

35:51

And I looked, I was curious

35:53

to see what was the actual

35:55

military aid that was being supplied

35:57

and it was air-to-air missiles.

36:00

because everyone knows that Hamas

36:02

has a lot of top gun

36:04

red baron fighter aces that need

36:06

to be taken down. So Netanyahu

36:08

immediately said quote if we must

36:10

return to fighting we will do

36:12

it in new forceful ways as

36:15

opposed to the unforceful ways that

36:17

they've been doing over the last

36:19

year and a half. I don't,

36:21

what are the new ways of

36:23

fighting? It feels like they've really

36:26

covered the ways. They've been pretty

36:28

exhaustive. Like rose battle, styrofoam swords?

36:30

What are we talking about? Please

36:32

not a roast battle. That is

36:34

the lowest form of civilization. The

36:36

ceasefire began Sunday and immediately Israel

36:39

killed 23 people in Gaza. So

36:41

it's a ceasefire in the same

36:43

way that I'm doing dry January.

36:45

which is that it's January 20th

36:47

and I've had seven drinks. So

36:49

it's technically not dry, just more

36:52

dry than the month before, which

36:54

is not saying much and I

36:56

feel like I'm making a sacrifice

36:58

and deprived of something that makes

37:00

me happy even though it's objectively

37:03

good for me to do it.

37:05

I thought dry January meant no

37:07

lube. Just raw doggin' it. The

37:09

released hosties were also given goody

37:11

bags, apparently I was reading, including

37:13

gifts and souvenirs and certificates, commemorating

37:16

their title in captivity, photographs of

37:18

their time and a map of

37:20

Gaza, which I think might be

37:22

the weirdest thing that has happened

37:24

in human history. Genuinely, I thought

37:26

you were making that up. No,

37:29

no. It was genuinely on a

37:31

news site, apparently they were given,

37:33

essentially on a news site, apparently

37:35

they were given, essentially, they were

37:37

given, essentially, they were given, essentially,

37:40

essentially, Could he bet, it's like

37:42

you get when you leave a

37:44

children's party. As a child. Maybe

37:46

like fluids, an IV drip, a

37:48

check for... Hamas is doing better

37:50

at Murch than the bugle. Oh

37:53

dear. That is a robot. That

37:55

is a very... I would like

37:57

to say... I'm very grateful for

37:59

my bugle mug that I received

38:01

in the post. Netanyahu said that

38:03

he sort of changed the face

38:06

of the Middle East, that's what

38:08

he claimed to have, and I

38:10

guess he has in the way

38:12

that the bride of Wildenstein changed

38:14

their face, you know, by taking

38:16

something that was recognisable as a

38:19

face and then completely destroying

38:21

it. Neither Netanyahu nor Hamas have announced their

38:23

resignations. Neither has issued a statement saying

38:25

we acknowledge that the time is now

38:27

right to step aside and allow someone

38:29

who actually wants the best for the

38:31

people they purport to represent to have

38:33

a crack at leadership. But I guess we can't

38:36

expect everything at once, nor has the UN

38:38

announced that in addition to a ceasefire, a

38:40

cease history has been launched where no one

38:42

is allowed to know anything that has ever happened

38:44

in the past in the region. And without

38:46

that it's hard to see a

38:48

long-term piece evolving. But we will

38:50

keep you fully up to date.

38:52

with how it all goes over

38:54

the next six to 10,000 years.

38:56

UK News Now and the

38:58

founder of the brew dog

39:01

brewing company has

39:03

described the United

39:06

Kingdom as the

39:08

least work-oriented country

39:10

in the world.

39:13

And disappointingly, this was not meant as

39:15

a compliment. If I said that about

39:17

Britain, you would know that is me

39:19

admiring the work-life balance that we've achieved,

39:21

or we haven't achieved. But if I

39:23

described a country as the least work-oriented,

39:26

I would mean it in a good

39:28

way. He did not mean it a

39:30

good way. He means that he wants

39:32

more people to work their arses

39:35

off so that entrepreneurs can cream

39:37

off the profits of their labour.

39:39

Tiff. I know you've been investigating

39:41

this for us. Yeah, I mean

39:44

as it's in Scotland we

39:46

do obviously need to have

39:49

someone to explain it properly.

39:51

So for this item we

39:54

do have a Scottish boyfriend

39:56

explains a hang,

39:58

work-life balance. a brew dog,

40:00

CEO and current bellend, James Watt

40:03

got into bother for suggesting in

40:05

a video on social media that

40:07

the idea of a work-life balance

40:10

was invented by people who hate

40:12

what they do. Then... When he

40:14

got pilters for it, he doubled down

40:16

by saying it was because of a

40:18

low work ethic in the UK. Aye,

40:21

very good, pal. It's easy to have

40:23

a high work ethic when you're getting

40:25

paid millions. It's no great surprise that

40:27

James isn't he worried about having to

40:29

balance work and life, because when he

40:31

was at work, he was supposedly

40:34

spending a lot of his time

40:36

perven over FEMA. Perven and Irving.

40:38

Perven over female bar staff and

40:40

generally making them uncomfortable under a

40:42

culture of fear, which I assume

40:44

he probably does in his free time

40:47

as well. An attack on the very

40:49

idea of work-life balance suggests that

40:51

James Watt would prefer imbalance.

40:53

He prefer that workers give up

40:55

the idea of free time and give

40:57

all to their job where buses refuse

40:59

to pay a living wage. for new

41:01

workers in the midst of a cost

41:03

of living crisis. Then he can put

41:06

profit over people and he and his

41:08

new fiancee that aptly named Georgia Tofalo

41:10

or Tof Toftoff to our pals

41:12

can elope and get married in

41:14

them all deaves. What eventually took

41:16

the video down saying there's only

41:18

so many times you can be

41:20

called a gay Scotch egg-headed in

41:22

one day. And I have to

41:24

say I agree with him. Well

41:26

partially because I don't agree with

41:28

gay slurs as an insult for

41:31

one. And the same goes for

41:33

the follically challenged. And obviously I

41:35

don't think Scottish is an insult,

41:37

especially for someone whose accent is

41:39

even less believable than mine. That

41:41

was just a bit of a

41:43

slam there from my husband, okay.

41:45

But I do agree wholeheartedly and

41:47

unreservedly that, that man is

41:49

a shit. Stop giving them so

41:52

much beer, isn't it? If you're

41:54

criticising a country for not being

41:56

focused enough on work, stop giving them

41:59

so much beer. Sure, that's obvious,

42:01

isn't it? Well that brings us

42:03

to the end of this week's

42:05

book. We will have world exclusive

42:07

coverage of the next four years

42:10

of American history and as I

42:12

said the 10,000 years of the

42:14

Middle East peace process. Anything to

42:17

plug, Tiff? Oh yes, I have

42:19

some tour shows coming up. I'm

42:21

going to be in Liverpool on

42:23

the 6th of March. London on

42:26

the 18th of March, I think,

42:28

and Brighton on the 16th of

42:30

March. More dates are being added.

42:32

If you want to find out

42:35

all about it, go check my

42:37

website, which hasn't been updated since

42:39

Brexit, actually don't check that. Go

42:42

on to one of the social

42:44

media platforms where I have no

42:46

control. But there's a link tree

42:48

on there you can find dates

42:51

and everything else. And also, I

42:53

believe, I think I'm on House

42:55

of Games, week starting. 10th of

42:57

February. So if you want to

43:00

catch me on TV, tune in

43:02

for that. NATO? February 1st, I'll

43:04

be at the setup comedy and

43:06

February 9th, Cheever Than Therapy. Mr.

43:09

NATO Green on Instagram, I'm making

43:11

the move, NATO Green on Blue

43:13

Sky. You could find me there

43:16

increasingly trying not to be threatened

43:18

with death. It's going to have

43:20

a goal in life, isn't it?

43:22

My talk continues, details at Andy

43:25

Zoltzman.co. UK, the news quiz is

43:27

back on radio for you can

43:29

catch that via the BBC sounds.

43:31

website and also don't forget that

43:34

a passion for passion the publishing

43:36

phenomenon of the third millennium so

43:38

far by written, co-written by Alice

43:41

Fraser and the legendary Dancey Lagarde

43:43

will be on sale from the

43:45

6th of February and you can

43:47

buy copies of via the bugle

43:50

website the bugle podcast.com where you

43:52

can also join the bugle voluntary

43:54

subscription scheme to help keep this

43:56

show free flourishing independent and devoid

43:59

of advertisements telling you to buy

44:01

soft furniture. or anything else. Until

44:03

next week, goodbye.