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AAAAAAAAHH!

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The

0:10

Bugle. Audio newspaper for a

0:12

visual world. Hello, Buglers,

0:15

and welcome to issue 4,279 of the world's last remaining

0:17

fully illustrated weekly transcript of

0:22

everything that's been said and done on

0:24

the solar system's most popular, populous

0:26

and pop-tacular planet. Earth, that is. Actually,

0:28

I haven't checked the latest rankings, we might have slipped back down again.

0:31

I am Andy's Altman, and today,

0:33

in what remains a tricky time for this

0:35

planet, I'm joined by two voices

0:37

of wisdom and reason in a universe

0:39

where both of those qualities

0:40

are in very short supply. From a stone's throw

0:42

away, if you can throw a stone two

0:44

and a bit miles, it's Nish Kumar, and

0:47

from a catapulted badger's flight away, if you've

0:49

got the right catapult, a correctly greased badger,

0:52

and get lucky with the Gulfstream headwinds in Brooklyn,

0:54

it's Hari Kondabolu. Hello, both of

0:56

you. Hey, hey Andy, hey Nish.

0:59

Hello Andy, hello Hari, hello Buglers. Er,

1:02

greased badger was your wrestling name, wasn't it, Zazie? It

1:04

was, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha

1:07

ha ha ha ha! Um, very

1:09

successful I was, uh, in

1:12

those days. How are you both? How

1:14

dare you, how dare you ask me that?

1:16

Ha ha ha ha! To be honest. How dare

1:19

you? It is about time someone responded

1:21

to that kind of question with that kind of answer,

1:24

because... I'm just so sick

1:26

of it. Yeah. I

1:28

was at the coffee shop recently, and

1:30

the barista, he asked me, hey,

1:33

how you doing? And I decided to answer,

1:35

honestly, don't do that. Ha

1:37

ha ha ha! You cannot, there is,

1:40

it is very hard to recover, and

1:42

the person has to ask

1:44

you what you want to order, and the whole thing's a mess,

1:46

and the people behind

1:46

you are freaked out, it's just... Ha

1:49

ha ha ha! Just say, say fine, and

1:51

get your latte and move on. Yeah, it's been a pretty

1:53

shit October. What is this October

1:56

rate you're thinking in shittest ever Octobers? It's gotta

1:58

be right up there.

1:59

It's not going to go down in history

2:02

as one of our better Octobers. That's what

2:04

I would say. I

2:06

think, well, when the history

2:08

books are written and then immediately

2:11

burned for warmth during the road war, they

2:14

will not be kind about the

2:16

month of October in the year of our

2:18

Lord 2023.

2:21

Well, luckily then, we are bidding

2:23

October 2023 a hearty f***

2:25

off because we are recording on the 30th of October.

2:28

By the time you listen to this, it may

2:30

very well be November 2023. We

2:33

are recording, well, of course, tomorrow,

2:35

the 31st of October 2023. It

2:38

will be the 2007th anniversary of

2:40

when a teenage Jesus, miracles a pumpkin

2:42

into a lampshade and temporarily

2:45

turned his mate John into a sexy vampire. On

2:48

the 1st of November 1512, truly

2:51

momentous day, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel

2:54

was exhibited to the public for the first

2:56

time, Michelangelo's famous

2:59

piece of DIY. Reactions and

3:01

reviews on social media at the time, well,

3:04

it's fair to say, well, mixed as reactions on social

3:06

media tend to be. They included

3:08

more cocks and balls than I was expecting from

3:10

the ceiling. Another person wrote,

3:13

I've heard it's good, but I haven't seen it yet. Classic

3:15

social media reaction. Someone

3:18

else wrote, absolute rubbish. The

3:20

way they used to do ceilings was way better. Again,

3:22

these things just don't change through time. Another

3:24

comment was why the modern artists insist on painting

3:26

people how they actually look these days. What's wrong

3:28

with painting simplified stylized versions of

3:30

a human face and form pretentious, pretentious,

3:33

elitist and above all woke one star

3:36

again, just classic from social media. Another

3:38

person wrote, I'm going to kill you, Michelangelo, you

3:41

something I never change. And

3:45

another response was, do you like betting? If you want

3:47

the best odds on how many people will die in the next cholera

3:49

outbreak in Rome, click here. So

3:51

we'd like to think that civilization progresses,

3:54

but maybe it doesn't. As a special treat,

3:57

bonus extra

3:57

at the end of today's show, we will play you the full

3:59

story.

3:59

of how Michelangelo

4:02

painted the Cestine Chapel,

4:04

how he replied with an emphatic that I can

4:06

do to Pope Julius II's question, can

4:08

you paint that ceiling bud, has

4:10

revealed exclusively way back in issue 34 of

4:13

the bugle, so bonus blast from the past

4:16

at the end of today's show. Is

4:18

that Mickey paintbrush by any chance? It is,

4:21

yes. Issue 34,

4:23

it's quite early on. That takes

4:25

me back to listening to the bugle in

4:28

the toilet at one of my pet jobs. That's

4:31

the best way to listen to it. It's

4:35

the recommended setting. It

4:37

takes 9 pounds an hour and taking

4:40

a dump whilst listening to Zoltzmann. Taking

4:43

a shit, hearing some shit is good. Well

4:46

as always a section of this podcast is going straight in

4:48

the bin this week. Well a Halloween section, as

4:51

I mentioned this is the anniversary of that famous

4:53

day in the young Jesus' career. We

4:55

have some Halloween facts for you. Halloween

4:58

fact one, statistically you're actually no

5:00

more likely to be haunted on the

5:02

31st of October than any other day

5:04

of the year these days. But the

5:06

reason Halloween became associated with ghostly

5:09

behaviour and hauntings was because the

5:11

ghosting year traditionally ended

5:14

on the 31st of October and ghosts with unused

5:16

quotas of hauntings would splurge in

5:18

the last couple of days of the ghosting year.

5:22

However the International Association of Spectres Ghouls

5:25

and Spookery introduced new measures in the early

5:27

19th century in an attempt to spread hauntings more evenly

5:30

through the year. I think I did something with something

5:32

similar with car number plates in this country at one point.

5:35

The first known example of a ghost haunting someone on

5:37

the 31st of October was the spectra of an old

5:39

woman called Enid who accidentally haunted

5:41

her friend Brian in the 1700s after

5:44

getting confused with some paperwork on the other side

5:47

hence the term Halloween. As Brian

5:49

thought it was a... I'm

5:54

right back in that office toilet Andy.

5:59

Yeah, but the thing is when you're

6:02

on the toilet it's at least a relief-ness. But

6:08

the only difference is back then I was avoiding doing

6:10

my job and now somehow in

6:12

the intervening 13 odd years this has moved

6:15

into being my job.

6:18

And finally, why

6:20

have pumpkins become associated

6:23

with Halloween? Well apart from that Jesus incident, it's

6:25

because the Roman Emperor stopped a cocculus

6:27

in Pertanax, attempted to get the troubled

6:29

Roman economy back on track on the

6:32

30th of October in the year 372 by replacing all coins

6:34

with pumpkins. After

6:37

the people of Rome found the new country would not fit

6:39

into the pockets of their cobras, there were riots which

6:41

resulted in stropped a cocculus fleeing the city

6:43

in disguise dressed as a zombie bride. Romans

6:47

then used their now worthless pumpkins as candle

6:49

holders, hence the term burning through money. Those

6:51

are your Halloween facts in this week's

6:54

section in the bin.

6:55

That Jesus incident was the working title

6:57

of the New Testament wasn't it? I

7:03

thought it was 12-1-1. I'm

7:06

back in the toilet! That

7:08

is a long call back. That

7:11

was actually in Top Stories last week I put that episode

7:13

in. Ah there we go! Well,

7:17

small world. I

7:21

consider myself a key

7:24

archivist of the vehicle. I

7:26

consider my role to be making long

7:28

call backs to things that I heard 13 years

7:31

ago when I should have been

7:33

doing some admin for Hammersmith Council. Is that

7:35

why that bridge is

7:38

still?

7:42

I've been close for about five years now. I

7:47

was shocked by the fact that to

7:49

be an archivist that means you actually have to listen to the show,

7:51

right? Yeah, sorry, yes. We

7:55

can return to the other key rip. The Harry

7:57

Potter value does not and has never been.

8:00

I will never listen to the vehicle. Not

8:02

interested, too newsy. Very cool,

8:05

very cool. It's not for everyone, are

8:07

it? No shame in that. Definitely

8:09

not for me. We don't try to be for anyone. Occasionally

8:13

we don't try to be for anyone. And

8:17

that's when we dominate. You've

8:22

heard of something for everyone. This is

8:24

nothing for everyone. That

8:27

is true democracy.

8:34

Stop story this week. Well,

8:37

the world is still pretty f***ed. There's no

8:39

real way of sugarcoating this, even

8:42

by the pitiful standards of this irredeemably

8:44

idiotic millennium. These last few weeks have

8:46

pushed the boundaries of bleakness for everyone who clings

8:49

to the romantic idea that at some point in our existence humanity

8:52

will stop working against our own self-interest.

8:55

But that point has not yet come. If

8:57

you want a reliable update on the Middle East situation,

9:00

A. I sincerely hope you're not listening to this show in expectation

9:03

of that. And B. Good luck. Hari,

9:07

what's the... We've

9:09

not had anyone from America on since

9:12

the war started. What's

9:15

been the reaction stateside?

9:17

I think a lot of Americans

9:20

are supporting

9:22

Israel. Initially, I did

9:24

too. You have to understand the kind of news

9:26

coverage that we're getting of what happened. I

9:29

mean, the video we were all

9:31

shown of what happened on October 7th, the

9:33

Hamas attack, it was just jarring.

9:37

People storming through heavily fortified walls, killing

9:39

people in the most brutal animalistic

9:41

ways. All of them being led by

9:44

some man named the Night King, who

9:46

was attempting to destroy humanity

9:49

with the undead. Really

9:51

compelling stuff. So of course, with that biased

9:53

video, of course we all supported

9:55

Israel. That's a Game of Thrones joke.

9:59

You guys remember... game of thrones it

10:03

was it was it was a TV series about

10:05

British history I just think

10:08

I got some of the key facts wrong in it unfortunately

10:12

hurry you're talking to two men one of whom was not watched

10:14

Game of Thrones in spite of everything about

10:16

his vibe and let's not be around the bush body

10:19

type and another man who literally only

10:21

who literally only watches cricket so

10:23

half the audience is

10:26

gonna be confused and

10:28

the other half offended I

10:31

got both targets I

10:33

mean he demographics the funniest

10:35

thing about that is like I it

10:37

was I was obviously joking because Americans

10:40

don't follow the news and they

10:43

have no perspective on it I'm sure there

10:45

were tons of people last night who went

10:47

oh no Matthew Perry died first

10:50

Gaza and now this

10:55

I mean it's I think probably been the in the 20

10:58

plus years I've been doing

11:00

comedy I can't remember finding things harder than the last the last few weeks

11:06

have you found that yeah as

11:08

well it's been very difficult and I

11:10

think that the presence of social

11:12

media doesn't help things it's very important that

11:14

we continue to stress that you have to be critical

11:17

about the information you receive especially

11:19

on the website formerly known as Twitter and Twitter website

11:22

formerly known as Twitter given that a

11:25

man bought it because everyone was calling him

11:27

a flat-faced anus and then fired

11:30

on the content moderator so you have to remember we

11:32

have to engage with that information critically I

11:34

also keep reading things saying you know the most

11:37

important thing is you must not remain silent on this

11:39

issue silence is complicity

11:41

silence is complicity you can't

11:43

remain silent on this issue and I

11:46

started to think you know what maybe silence is complicity

11:48

maybe you can't be silent on this issue and

11:50

then I saw a man on

11:53

British morning television called

11:55

Richard Maydly interview a liberal democrat

11:58

MP called Leila Moran now she's a British politician

12:00

who has family in Gaza and she

12:02

did what I think we've been all agreed is quite a brave

12:04

thing which was to go on the news and humanize some of the

12:06

people that are being dehumanized

12:09

most routinely in the media namely members

12:11

of a family that are caught in Gaza

12:14

and she was asked by Richard Maydly did

12:16

any of your family know that the Hamas attack

12:18

was going to happen and when Richard Maydly said that

12:20

I thought you know what some people need

12:22

to shut the f*** up. Sometimes

12:25

silence is not complicity it is merely

12:27

an accurate appraisal of the complexity of

12:29

events relative to your own intellectual inadequacy.

12:34

It says everything about the British media that Richard

12:36

Maydly who's a journalist a word I'm using incorrectly

12:39

is allowed to opine on this subject and

12:41

I asked my friend who died and allowed Maydly

12:43

to have an opinion and my friend reminded me that

12:46

technically the person I'm referring to is

12:48

Piers Morgan because he had that job

12:50

before Richard Maydly before he had to leave

12:52

it after he saw a picture of a black woman and went mentally

12:55

ill but saying

12:57

that Richard Maydly is preferable to Piers

12:59

Morgan is a bit like saying well technically I'd

13:02

rather have Salmonella than E. coli. They

13:04

are five evidence

13:06

of a fundamental problem that

13:08

cuts to the very heart of our media

13:11

and it's very much a case of between

13:13

Piers Morgan and Richard Maydly for American listeners if

13:15

you're wondering is one better than the other it's very much

13:17

a Sophie's choice but you want both the kids

13:19

to die.

13:23

One of the big arguments of the

13:25

last week has been Israel versus

13:27

the United Nations and the

13:30

United Nations Secretary General Antonio Gutierrez

13:33

who I think is now 1% human being 99%

13:36

sad face emoji. He's

13:40

found himself at loggerheads with Israel.

13:42

Israel called on him to resign saying

13:45

that his words had constituted a justification

13:47

for terrorism and murder

13:50

that this was after Gutierrez said

13:52

that the Hamas attacks did not happen in a vacuum

13:55

and referred to the suffocating occupation

13:57

of Palestine. Put this in context. Was

14:01

Guterres justifying terrorism and murder? Let's

14:03

look at some of the other things he's said over

14:05

the last three weeks, on the 7th of October,

14:07

the day of the attacks. He condemned

14:09

in the strongest possible terms this morning's attacks

14:12

by Hamas. On the 9th of October, he said, Let

14:14

me begin by repeating my utter condemnation

14:16

of the abhorrent attacks by Hamas.

14:19

Nothing can justify these acts of terror, killing,

14:21

maiming and abduction of civilians. I reiterate

14:24

my call immediately to cease these attacks

14:26

and release all hostages. He also said

14:28

on the 9th of October, Israel must see its legitimates

14:31

need for security materialized. On the 13th,

14:33

he referred to the horrific terror attacks by

14:36

Hamas and called on all leaders to speak

14:38

out against anti-Semitism. On

14:40

the 21st of October, he said nothing can

14:42

justify the reprehensible assault by Hamas.

14:45

On the 24th of October, he said, I'm equivocally

14:47

condemned the horrifying and unprecedented

14:49

acts of terror by Hamas. In Israel, nothing

14:52

can justify the deliberate killing, injuring

14:54

and kidnapping of civilians. So

14:56

was he justifying a mass

14:59

of attacks? I mean, reading

15:01

between the lines of all those, was

15:03

he actually,

15:04

did he have his fingers crossed for all of those? You

15:11

have to remember in these kind of instances, the

15:14

current Israeli administration, which, lest

15:16

we forget, has faced huge amounts of opposition

15:19

from the Israeli people, a massive

15:22

protest stage throughout the last year. You

15:24

have to remember that what they're trying to do is

15:26

trying to shift focus away from their

15:29

own responsibility that they bear in

15:31

these attacks. And there are critical,

15:33

op-ed pieces written in Israeli newspapers

15:36

about Netanyahu and why their security

15:38

oversights. But you have to understand, security,

15:41

even though Benjamin Netanyahu refers

15:43

to himself as Mr. Security, you have to understand

15:46

that was simply not his priority. His

15:48

priority was changing the law

15:50

so crime is legal if your name is Benet

15:52

and Yahoo. He just had different

15:55

priorities, guys. Can we give Benny

15:57

and the Nets a break? the

16:00

idea of the UN chief asking Hamas

16:02

to release the hostages, like what do you think

16:04

Hamas is going to say, you know? They're going to

16:06

say, we're f***ing Hamas,

16:08

what don't you understand? Yes. I

16:11

mean, like, governments won't listen to you,

16:13

but you think Hamas will, like,

16:15

your charter says you were supposed to prevent

16:18

wars. Or the original Hamas

16:20

charter says it's going to destroy Israel.

16:23

Only one of you is really trying to do your

16:25

jobs. It

16:27

is interesting, because there is starting

16:29

to be a kind of familiar

16:32

feeling in my stomach about all of this. What

16:34

happened on October the 7th was an appalling

16:37

attack, and Israel

16:39

as a nation was rightly reeling from that. And

16:41

it reminds me of America Post

16:44

9-11. But what we learned from America

16:46

Post 9-11 is that collective punishment

16:48

of people doesn't work.

16:51

And the movements towards a full

16:53

war really starting to give me a sinking

16:56

feeling in my stomach. The same feeling I get when

16:59

I see young people wearing jeans

17:01

that drag in the dirt. Or when I read

17:03

an article in the New York Times that says Limp

17:05

Bizkit is blowing up with tweens on

17:08

TikTok. They're bringing back all

17:10

the worst things from the early 2000s.

17:13

Low-rise jeans, new metal and the war

17:15

on terror. Why have we picked the

17:17

three worst bits of that era to bring

17:19

back? Why can't we just listen to Haya

17:21

and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy back to back?

17:24

There was good stuff that happened that we should

17:26

be reprising. What's wrong with listening

17:28

to the First Strokes album again? The

17:30

conditions in Gaza have been described as being like the

17:32

Middle Ages, which of course is what

17:34

we voted for in the Brexit referendum here in

17:36

the United Kingdom. We're still waiting, but

17:39

currently other parts of the world have got there before

17:42

us, maybe not in an ideal

17:44

way. But I think the whole thing has shown maybe

17:47

that the world, has reminded us that the world

17:50

maybe has got less good at multitasking.

17:52

I think because I think it is possible

17:54

to condemn some actions

17:58

whilst also not just justifying

18:01

whatever the other team does. I think as a species

18:03

we should have that skill. So if you're a literature

18:05

fan, the way that

18:07

a lot of the reactions have been if you say something

18:11

is unacceptable, people then accuse you of justifying

18:13

something else. It's like saying that you like Shakespeare

18:17

and then your English teacher saying to you, what?

18:19

So you think Jane Austen is a proven witch who deserved

18:21

to die. That's not necessarily how

18:25

it needs to work, I think.

18:29

Yeah, it's

18:32

been a kind of real festival

18:34

of holding communities accountable

18:36

for things that they have absolutely nothing

18:39

to do with. We're seeing awful outbreaks

18:41

of anti-Semitism in parts of Russia,

18:44

awful instances of Islamophobia. And

18:47

I really strongly believe that one thing

18:49

you always have to state is that

18:52

none of this is an excuse for prejudice against

18:54

any community. It can't hold a community responsible

18:56

for its worst elements apart from white

18:59

people with dreadlocks. That

19:02

is the only thing. I want every white

19:04

person to apologize for the existence of white people

19:06

with dreadlocks. Otherwise, there is absolutely

19:09

no excuse in any other area. You

19:11

could have said something. You were hanging out. You

19:15

could have said, this is a bad idea. You

19:17

could have said, wash your hair. A lot

19:20

of things you could have said. You could

19:22

have said, this is not what Bob Marley would have

19:24

wanted. There's a lot of things you could have said. Stay

19:27

quiet. There's

19:29

a lot of times in situations like this

19:31

where there are huge moral grey areas

19:34

and sometimes it's unhelpful to

19:36

call one group of people bad people

19:38

and another group of people good people. But

19:40

then there are other people who you just think, oh

19:43

no, you're just flat out.

19:46

I just want to briefly draw everyone's

19:48

attention to some

19:50

of the people who have looked at this absolutely

19:53

appalling situation and not

19:55

seen a humanitarian crisis, but

19:57

have instead seen a... commercial

20:00

opportunity. Analysts from Morgan

20:02

Stanley and TD Bank have taken

20:05

note of potential profit-making

20:08

during the escalation in conflict,

20:10

right? Everyone listening, I

20:12

do just want you to have a sick bag at

20:15

the ready. Would you hear some

20:17

of the stuff that's been said

20:19

here? TD Cowan's Kai Von

20:21

Rumer, who's the managing director and

20:23

senior research analyst specializing in the aerospace

20:26

industry, said on an earnings

20:28

call on the 25th of October, Hamas

20:31

has created additional demand

20:34

and people are not focusing enough. They're getting

20:37

distracted by calling Hamas

20:39

brutal murdering terrorists and they're forgetting

20:42

what enormous wealth creators they

20:44

are. Truly, they're

20:47

like Warren Buffett. It's absolutely

20:49

unbelievable. We've really

20:52

not talked about this. It's

20:54

really astonishing. Morgan

20:56

Stanley's head of aerospace and defense equity

20:59

research, Christine Lewack, took

21:01

a similar approach during a 24th of October

21:03

earnings call and

21:06

referred to the situation

21:09

as being an opportunity. And

21:11

you know what? We always think about

21:13

war as a negative thing and maybe we

21:15

should start referring to it as the opportunity.

21:18

Man, there's a lot of opportunity happening in Ukraine

21:20

right now. Oh boy, I can't wait to

21:22

get back to studying for my history exam on

21:25

the second world opportunity. Once

21:28

I finish studying, I'm going to kick back and relax

21:31

with my favorite film trilogy, Star Opportunity.

21:33

I mean, are you telling

21:36

me that there wasn't a Hollywood agent

21:38

somewhere who was like, is Hamas signed by anybody?

21:41

They are everywhere

21:43

right now. I mean, I remember when

21:46

I missed out on ice, I mean, and a lot

21:48

of their stuff self-produced, I get it. But

21:50

like, wow, this

21:52

is the time if you're going to get them. It's

21:55

funny reading something and feeling that you're

21:58

looking into a total moral vacuum.

22:06

Britain news now and well huge celebrations

22:09

across the country over the last week Nish to

22:11

commemorate one year of Rishi

22:14

Sunak as Prime Minister. I'll

22:16

just go through all the achievements of the little fella since he

22:19

took over his interim Prime Minister in

22:21

the aftershite of Boris Johnson and Liz Truss.

22:25

There you go. I mean how

22:27

would you assess his first year

22:30

in which he's basically captured votes as imagination

22:33

like a baby penguin captures a polar bear

22:35

and a pair of fishnet stockings and in other words

22:37

not at all and he's gone about it in a quite

22:39

weird and unsettling way.

22:43

That is vintage soulsmith.

22:46

Thank you. Here's

22:49

what I would say to Rishi Sunak. I

22:51

truly when he was elected and

22:53

everybody said this is historic you

22:56

must feel great about this because this is representation

22:59

for you. I was dubious but

23:02

now I truly see myself represented

23:05

in Rishi Sunak as I look at

23:07

an untalented over

23:09

promoted British Indian man who

23:12

struggled to connect with the British public. I

23:14

think yes at last I can see

23:16

myself in our Prime Minister. Brown

23:22

male mediocrity is finally risen.

23:25

Oh, sorry Rishi and I yearned

23:27

for mediocrity. Mediocrity

23:30

would be a huge win for me in the food out

23:32

lifestyle. He

23:38

has, yeah he's indulged the hard

23:42

right of his party culminating

23:44

in a couple of weeks ago when he was asked point blank

23:46

and said that he would not oppose

23:48

Nigel Farage rejoining the Conservative

23:50

Party and I would

23:53

say that one of his absolute low

23:55

points is his politicisation of

23:57

the climate policies. and

24:00

large we've managed to avoid

24:02

in this country. But Sunak

24:04

has really, he's really

24:07

gone out of his way to try and politicise

24:09

that issue and also trying to make

24:11

it into a thing where it's like, well, it's going to cost ordinary people

24:13

money if we do this, which obviously

24:16

is bollocks. He's

24:18

sort of even threatened to reopen

24:21

a coal mine. I think I've said this before on the Bugle,

24:23

but it's worth restating. In 2023, the only conceivable

24:27

excuse for opening a coal mine is if you're planning

24:29

to immediately shut it again to

24:31

stimulate boys' interest in ballet in the

24:33

local area.

24:36

That as far as I can tell is the only point.

24:38

The strange thing with the environmental angle,

24:41

and there's the

24:43

King's speech coming next week for the

24:46

reopening of Parliament in which he's

24:48

supposedly going to double down on his anti-environment

24:52

policies, is that a

24:54

vast majority of people are quite in favour

24:57

of fixing the environment. So it's a kind

24:59

of weird electoral gambit. It might explain why in

25:01

the recent bio-elections last week, the

25:03

Conservatives, I think

25:06

in technical, is it the

25:08

word, sociological terms, had their arses handed

25:11

to them on a series of plates.

25:14

They were, though lost,

25:16

two vast majorities with some

25:18

of the biggest swings ever seen in

25:21

British bio-elections inside it in the Tory

25:23

party described the results as, quote, like

25:26

being hit by a truckload of German sausage

25:28

and cheese. Sorry,

25:30

a worst case scenario. The

25:36

problem for Sounac is that the Conservatives broadly,

25:38

and it's happened under his watch, obviously happened

25:41

before, there's lost support amongst

25:43

a number of key demographic voter

25:45

groups. These include Brexit

25:47

supporting voters, Brexit opposing voters,

25:50

the young, the old, the neither young nor old, the unborn,

25:52

the already dead, men, men, other people, gardening

25:54

fans, that's got to hurt, Olympic high board

25:56

diving enthusiasts, vegetarians, Zoroastrians,

25:59

who I think are people who only

25:59

eat fictional Mexican Californian food, dog

26:02

cats, beekeepers, wick keepers, people

26:04

with kidneys, acrobats, Nishkumar fans and

26:06

most worryingly of all conservatives.

26:09

Now obviously there's some crossover with all those groups

26:11

but they seem to be struggling with all of them at

26:13

the moment. I'm

26:15

not sure that given the last two groups you named the

26:17

conservative voters and Nishkumar fans there's

26:20

a huge crossover in those two sections.

26:24

What's super interesting to me about

26:26

this upcoming King speech is obviously it's going

26:28

to be it's the state opening of Parliament and for bougourers

26:31

outside of the country it is

26:34

****ing weird and we know it's ****ing weird

26:37

that in order for our democratic

26:39

processes to begin a man

26:41

in a gold hat has to read a letter

26:43

but the thing that makes it particularly

26:46

interesting this year is the speech

26:48

is written by the government and then delivered by

26:50

the King but in terms

26:52

of doubling down on anti-net zero

26:54

policies one of the British people that is

26:56

very much in favour of acting on

26:58

the climate crisis is the King.

27:01

So we might be in this absolutely bizarre

27:03

situation. I don't know what's going

27:06

to happen. Is King Charles going to start doing

27:08

air quotes around some of

27:10

the net zero policies to suggest sarcasm?

27:13

Are they going to try and get him to lip

27:15

sync it to avoid any to

27:17

avoid any improvisation on the fly?

27:19

If so are we going to end up with a sort of regal

27:22

milli-vanilli situation?

27:26

There's a fascinating situation that is about

27:29

to come to a head and as with most situations

27:32

in Britain it still somehow involves some

27:34

dude in a ****ing gold hat. You

27:37

guys are talking about British politics so I tuned

27:39

out a while ago. You guys talking

27:42

about that Colin Firth movie? That's

27:47

a while ago fellas. As

27:50

soon as I did say that his government has achieved a lot

27:53

in his first year and I do give him

27:55

a bit of slack for that because

27:58

what could he have said? He can't come out and say my

28:00

government has done very slightly less shitly.

28:05

I could have said, well, we've achieved nothing, which

28:07

is, to be fair, a vast improvement on

28:09

my two immediate predecessors. It's

28:12

clearly a tough gig for him taking over, and I don't

28:14

think he's played it very well. It's like being a door-to-door hairdresser for

28:17

a struggling door-to-door hairdressing business, but

28:19

then turning up with one pair of scissors sticking out of your forehead,

28:22

and another round into your ear, blood running down your

28:24

face, and a squirrel's tail gaffa taped

28:26

to your scalp, knocking on someone's door, saying, can I interest

28:28

you in a haircut? It's a tough, it's a tough sell. It's

28:31

like being a snooker player tucked in behind the green, needing

28:33

a three-cushion escape shot to hit the last road, 50 points

28:36

down in the frame. So needing snookers anyway,

28:38

he chalks the cue, he takes a deep breath, he reaches

28:40

into his waistcoat pocket, he

28:42

pulls out and a guana plonks it on the table and says, run, my pretty, run.

28:46

And that is essentially the

28:48

situation that our Prime Minister has been in.

28:51

That is the essence of Andy's Altzman. Given

28:54

there is a substantial listenership to

28:56

this podcast, from outside the United Kingdom, and

28:59

yet when we move on to his next about specifics on

29:01

the United Kingdom politics, instead of trying to open it out,

29:04

he doubles down and tries to explain things with

29:06

a snooker metaphor. I

29:08

like to think of it as educational, Nick. I

29:12

mean, to be honest, a bunch of our listeners

29:14

are anglophiles. They love this

29:16

shit. It gives them a

29:19

secret wisdom that makes

29:21

them feel better than other people. I've met these people

29:24

after shows. I know what they're

29:26

about. They're like

29:28

puns. They're like puns.

29:35

Nish,

29:57

I know you are an expert. Are you not in nano

29:59

photonics?

29:59

Yeah,

30:00

he's a big expert in nanophotonics.

30:03

Yeah. How are you with nanophotonics? Are

30:05

you

30:06

begging to do that as well? I'll be honest. I've

30:08

been wanting to buy a Hadron Collider

30:11

for such a long time. And

30:14

this is why you don't buy

30:16

the thing when it first comes out. You just wait

30:19

long enough and now all of a sudden we got

30:21

this nanophonics thing. This is

30:24

easy to transport. You can bring it

30:26

on a road trip, you know, without having to

30:28

strap it to the hood. I mean, this is

30:30

why you wait. You've got to wait

30:32

it out. So I'm pretty excited about it. I don't

30:34

know what it does, but I'm pretty excited

30:37

about the possibilities. The

30:39

portability. I spent, I

30:42

would say, 25 minutes trying to write jokes

30:44

on this subject. And unfortunately,

30:46

I couldn't understand a single

30:49

word of the article about it. I wrote that in my mouth. It

30:52

genuinely was indecipherable. And

30:54

Google Translate,

30:56

as yet, does not have an option to translate

30:59

into moron. There

31:03

are so many science words. There

31:05

are so many science words.

31:09

They were talking about. I saw Oppenheimer. Let

31:12

me try and explain it for you, Ignoramuses. What it does,

31:15

this nanophotonic electronic

31:17

accelerator... Technically, it's Ignoraimi,

31:19

Andrew. Yeah. It

31:22

blasts negatively charged particles. They're

31:24

the particles that cause all forms of negativity

31:26

around the world, including general

31:29

cynicism, the Republican Party and English rugby. It

31:31

blasts them with mini laser

31:34

pulses, which are the cutest little laser pulses you will ever see. And

31:36

the whole device is the size of a coin.

31:39

It's 54 million times smaller

31:41

than the large hadron colour. Obviously, I don't

31:43

want to size shame any particle accelerator's large

31:46

or non-large. But this is, frankly,

31:48

nanophotonically titchey.

31:51

So these are hugely exciting

31:53

times, because the Large Hadron Collider has

31:57

discovered a range of very exciting new particles.

33:56

should

34:00

be able to grasp this, could open the door

34:02

to a wide range of applications

34:04

including using the teensy particle

34:06

accelerators inside human plates. Teensy!

34:09

That's a scientific term that we could all understand

34:11

I think. Will

34:13

we be able to shove a particle

34:15

accelerator up our butts? Will it feel incredible?

34:20

Let's cut to the chase here! We're

34:23

all thinking it! You know we're all

34:25

thinking it!

34:31

Before we leave this week's bugle, Sport

34:34

News now and England have absolutely stunk

34:36

out the Cricket World Cup. The

34:39

worst ever title defense by Cricket World Cup

34:41

champions. They've managed the winning in 2019

34:43

and I'm sure I talked about this on the Google at the time, one of those

34:45

highlights of my cricket

34:48

media career being

34:50

in the BBC commentary box for that game. I'm

34:53

not out at this tournament in India

34:56

but England have been

34:58

heroically shit for what

35:00

is on paper a very good cricket

35:03

team and I like to think that

35:05

in this time of difficulty for the world

35:08

England have created and spread

35:10

the concept of joy which

35:12

is what sport is supposed to be about. They have selflessly

35:15

allowed themselves to be defeated

35:17

by Sri Lanka which is my economic

35:20

crisis at the moment by South Africa to

35:22

bring some light into South Africa's literal

35:25

darkness as its ongoing power crisis ongoing

35:27

as ongoing things often do. They've lost to

35:30

Afghanistan which has had a tough time for the last

35:32

oh I don't know couple of hundred

35:35

thousand years. New Zealand struggling

35:38

with a big possum infestation and to

35:40

India which is obviously struggling through a

35:42

period of breakneck page change under the auspices

35:44

of Anasimuth government that foments division at every opportunity.

35:47

So the England cricket team has been the foremost

35:50

source of light and happiness

35:52

in the world

35:53

over the past month and I don't think they get enough

35:55

credit for that. England was so bad against

35:57

India yesterday that I'm genuinely concerned

36:00

our government is going to try and pass it off as

36:02

reparations for the Covinoor Diamonds. It

36:07

was a performance of shitness that resounded

36:09

through history. But

36:12

you know, as a cricket

36:14

fan of a certain age, there

36:16

was something reassuringly familiar about

36:18

watching England just be absolute shit. For

36:21

too long I've watched England be a competent

36:23

and at times utterly outstanding limited

36:25

over team and watching them just absolutely

36:29

collapse was, you

36:31

know, it was really reassuring. I

36:34

think you knocked out it. Harry,

36:36

you must be hugely excited about the T20

36:40

World Cup coming to America

36:42

next year. Oh my God. Played

36:45

in New York, I imagine that you've been talking of little

36:47

else.

36:48

Of course. Who doesn't want

36:50

a version of a game where

36:52

you hit a ball with a stick that lasts

36:56

less than 12 hours? I wish

36:58

we had a game like that in this country already.

37:04

I think I might have talked about

37:06

this on the Bugle before but when

37:08

I was in New York

37:11

a few years ago, I mean,

37:14

I could tell you exactly. It would have been 2019. I

37:18

went to see my cousin in Jersey and

37:21

I was told by a friend

37:23

of mine who is South Asian that I would be

37:25

going to where all the Indians were. And

37:28

I thought that was too vague an

37:30

instruction. And then as the

37:32

train got towards the more

37:35

densely South Asian populated areas of Jersey,

37:37

adverts started to appear for the impending 2019

37:41

Cricket World Cup and I thought, well, I'm

37:43

in the right place now. Just

37:48

pictures of the statue of liberty holding a cricket

37:50

bat along. That's hilarious.

37:53

It was genuinely incredible. That's

37:57

not a hilarious image. That is a deeply

37:59

erotic image. image.

38:02

Oh no, don't let people think

38:05

of you having an erection, don't do it. Statue

38:07

of Liberty with a cricket bat. Full

38:10

metal Janet is a lot to think of.

38:13

That brings us to the end of this

38:16

week's bugle, thanks to Nish

38:18

and Hari. Any projects to plug,

38:20

Hari?

38:21

On tour, November

38:23

8th, San Antonio, so if you're

38:26

Greg Popovich, obviously you listen to this podcast,

38:28

show up, bring Victor Wambignano

38:31

with you, expect you there. November

38:33

9th to the 11th in Austin, Texas. November 17

38:37

and 18 in western Massachusetts,

38:40

specifically, chickopea Massachusetts,

38:42

career booming right now. November

38:46

19th, Providence, Rhode Island. November

38:48

30th, hopefully Montreal, stay

38:51

tuned. And then December 15th

38:53

in Vancouver, British Columbia. And

38:56

finally, vacation baby, my free

38:58

YouTube special is still

39:00

available because it's a goddamn YouTube special.

39:03

Nish? I will

39:06

have some news soon about

39:08

my stand-up shows, Global Release. We

39:11

will actually be able to, people will actually be able

39:13

to see it outside of the UK, but if you're

39:15

in the UK, you can watch

39:17

it on Sky Comedy or Now TV.

39:19

It's called Your Power, Your Control and is available

39:21

now. I have nothing to plug, but I will

39:24

soon have some things to plug in

39:26

the form of some live bugle shows

39:29

early next year, dates hopefully to be confirmed

39:31

within the week, which I might have said last week,

39:34

and some stand-up at

39:36

some point in the next 12-ish to 15

39:38

months. Just keep your

39:41

ears to the ground. Thank you very much

39:43

for listening. Even for you, that was terrible

39:46

self-promotion. Even for you,

39:48

I might have at some point some stand-up

39:50

within the next 12 to 15-ish

39:53

months. That's like you're not even trying.

39:55

Well you just build up the the aura

39:57

of suspense.

39:59

That's called marketing. Thank

40:02

you very much for listening, Buglers. Don't

40:04

forget, if you want to join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme

40:07

and make a one-off or a

40:09

current contribution to help keep this show free, flourishing

40:11

and independent, go to the buglepodcast.com and

40:13

click the donate button, and premium-level voluntary

40:16

subscribers now get exclusive access

40:19

to the monthly Ask Andy show when

40:21

I answer. All your questions, if

40:24

I deem them worth answering. Thank

40:26

you for listening. We'll

40:28

be back in about 10 days. We're

40:30

switching back to Friday recordings for the rest of the year. So

40:33

we will see you then. Until then, goodbye.

40:48

Bugle feature section now. And 500 years ago

40:50

this year, Michelangelo, or as

40:53

he was known by his friends, Mickey

40:56

Paintbrush, was commissioned to do a little bit of

40:58

decorating for the Pope. He got his nickname,

41:00

of course, not because of his artistic skills, but because

41:02

he had tough, bristly straight hair, which

41:04

when he was drunk, he would dip in a vat of paint and

41:07

headbutt cartoon testicles into the sides

41:09

of churches. Anyway, the story

41:11

goes. The Julius II asked

41:14

Mickey Paintbrush, Can you whack a lick of paint on

41:16

the ceiling in my chapel? It could do with a bit of

41:18

sprouting up. Sure, Papa J replied Michelangelo. What

41:21

do you want? How about a bit of a fresco?

41:24

Sure, why not reply the pontiff? Great,

41:26

yep, the young artist. I was thinking of doing something

41:28

with some dogs playing snooker. Right,

41:31

Mickey P, said the Pope awkwardly. I

41:34

was just kind of hoping for something a little bit more neutral,

41:37

maybe just a plain, off-white,

41:39

magnolia colour. You know, Mick, something that

41:42

isn't going to go out of date. Righto,

41:44

skipper, replied Michelangelo, a little downcast.

41:47

Hey, do you mind if I do a couple of little bits from the Bible in the corner?

41:50

No, all right, conceded the Pope. But just nothing

41:52

too flashy, little Mickey. Yay! Yelp,

41:55

the 33-year-old five-time winner of the Golden Chisel

41:57

Award for Terrific Sculpture. I'll go and get

41:59

my...

41:59

special scaffold.

42:01

Four years later an angry Pope banged

42:03

on the door of the Sistine Chapel with his big staff.

42:06

Have you finished yet paintbrush? He shouted. Yep,

42:09

all done big man. The pontiff

42:11

stormed in, hat a Kimbo. What

42:13

the f*** have you done to my ceiling you floss?

42:17

Sorry pop said the artist, I just got a bit carried

42:19

away. Oh balls winced the

42:21

Vatican vicar. Bloody elmicky, what

42:23

is your obsession with naked cocks? Shit,

42:26

I've got a christening to do in 20 minutes, this is gonna

42:28

have to do. Okay boss, sorry

42:31

boss, mumbled the four-in-one painter, sculptor,

42:33

architect and chicken impersonator. You

42:35

haven't heard the last of this Buonarotti blasted the

42:38

Catholic Kahuna. Give me that paintbrush,

42:40

that's confiscated. Pope

42:42

Julius turned to go to his dressing room.

42:44

Just then something on the ceiling caught his eye.

42:47

Hold on,

42:48

that looks like,

42:49

no it can't be.

42:51

Is this my wang?

42:53

Mickey paintbrush, have you painted

42:55

my papal prong on that nudie man? Come

42:58

here, come here you little, oh

43:00

no he's got away. I

43:01

knew I should have got da Vinci to do this, knew

43:04

it. So to commemorate half a millennium,

43:07

since this historic moment in the history of

43:09

history, we present to you

43:12

the Bugle Italian section. Azzy,

43:15

that has to become a

43:17

regular feature. Historical

43:20

story time, missing

43:22

from your children with Andy's Ultra.