0:00

you're recording, aren't you? I am recording. Hey,

0:02

do you want to do the intro to the

0:04

podcast, the pre -titles? Do I want to do

0:06

it? Yeah, Captain Krabbeard. Well, this

0:08

is what you're... Well, I'll do the bit

0:11

after the jingle, but this is the pre

0:13

-titles. Pre -titles. Yeah. I don't know

0:15

what to say. Just say something

0:17

like, hi, I'm Captain Krabbeard. Welcome to the

0:19

Christmas Show podcast. Hi, I'm

0:21

Captain Krabbeard. Welcome to the Christmas Show Radio X

0:23

podcast. Yeah, you're right. I'll do it. Hi, everyone.

0:26

Welcome to the podcast. Let's go. The

0:32

Chris Mayer Show, the

0:36

TVX. Hilarious

0:41

already and we've only just

0:43

begun. Will the

0:45

comedy continue? Well, let's find out. Dominic Byrne

0:47

is here. Hello there, good morning and good

0:49

evening and good afternoon. How funny,

0:51

how thanks. Pretty. Pippa is here. Hello

0:53

everyone. James

0:55

is here. Hello everyone. And

1:01

we've got a bumper packed podcast for you

1:04

this week, as ever. We do

1:06

every week. This week, do you know, I'm going to

1:08

say it, three weeks we've

1:10

been back now. Yes. In the new year,

1:12

2025. And we've done three

1:14

brilliant, bloody weeks of radio. Yeah. Bloody brilliant.

1:16

We've hit the ground running, if you will.

1:18

If we do say so ourselves. Yes.

1:21

Because I'll put my hands up

1:23

when I do something that's below

1:26

average in quality. Like, for example,

1:28

the Saturday show. Right. and

1:30

three -quarters of these intros for the podcast.

1:32

But the our hands up quite a lot to those, don't

1:35

we? But the You'll be too honest.

1:37

Well, you know, the way I see it

1:39

is we've been brilliant the last three weeks.

1:42

Fact, you know, and you

1:44

can't argue with facts in the

1:46

same way that the Saturday shows

1:49

have been this year. Honestly, in

1:51

my opinion, OK. Yeah, they have

1:53

been all right. What an accolade.

1:55

Yeah. That's great. After the

1:57

first one, I think we both looked at each other and said,

1:59

that wasn't that bad. That was OK. I remember

2:01

you said to me, that was OK. And I

2:03

said, yes, it was OK. It's OK. Do you

2:05

know what one of my favorite moments on Saturday

2:07

was this year? Go on. Go on. Secret Santa.

2:10

Sorry, Dom. Oh, yes. Oh,

2:12

it's lovely. Do you want

2:14

to tell the listeners just to remind

2:16

them what that was? Yes. Because I

2:18

don't know if that made the podcast.

2:20

So just ahead of Christmas Day, I

2:22

had possibly forgotten that we were exchanging

2:25

Secret Santa gifts. I had a panic

2:27

up because there were no shops open.

2:29

We talked about it quite a lot.

2:32

Yeah, of course. Christmas is the famous

2:34

day where all the shops are closed.

2:36

So I had James in my Secret

2:38

Santa and realised that, oh my God,

2:40

I haven't bought James anything. I like

2:42

James. Disrespect to James.

2:44

Nine after that. We had a

2:47

rummage through our cupboards and Lucy

2:49

put her hand in and she

2:51

pulled out inflatable

2:54

antlers game, and I thought we can't just

2:56

give him that so we gave him three

2:58

fruit shoots as No, no, one. I was

3:01

the only one. One fruit shoot from a

3:03

multi -pack. think Tilly and Xana, the other

3:05

two. He was going to be three.

3:08

And then we wrapped those up, called it

3:10

Christmas, and I think the rest is history.

3:12

How much was that inflatable antler game, James,

3:14

to it? Three pounds. Three pounds.

3:17

And what did you get on the same

3:19

Christmas Secret Santa, what did you get? So

3:21

that was £3, the fruit shoe was about

3:23

80p. Similar sort It was in a multi

3:26

-pack. The price ratio is probably less than

3:28

that. I got a retro Liverpool shirt. from

3:30

the, I think, 81 -82 season. Gosh. I

3:32

mean, genuinely lovely football show. Do you know

3:35

how much more than £3 that was? Considerably

3:38

more than £3. I bought it. I don't

3:40

want to fan the flames or anything like

3:42

that. No, you don't. But thank you for

3:44

bringing it up, Pepper. I don't know how

3:46

to say this, but, like, the Christmas Day

3:48

show was, like, the first half

3:50

and the second half of the three

3:52

-hour show. My present was in the

3:54

second half, if you get what I'm

3:56

saying. OK. You know.

3:58

Yeah. In the second half?

4:01

Yes. A bit extra time.

4:03

Right, I see where I'm

4:05

going. Yeah, but I You

4:08

could have run this round the office. You know,

4:10

in the green room, there's loads of booze.

4:12

Just sat in the green room on a

4:14

shelf. That would have gone down better, actually.

4:16

I too don't like to fan the flames.

4:19

You have a massive fan.

4:23

What did you just

4:25

say? You are fanning

4:27

my flames. Hey listen,

4:29

you just stay away

4:31

from the fan fanning

4:33

business. Can everybody just

4:36

stop fanning? Right, sorry.

4:38

Pippa, you were saying?

4:40

Sir James passed me

4:42

the bellows. It

4:44

could technically be said that James

4:46

passed me the bellows. As you

4:48

didn't buy James a secret Santa.

4:50

I owe him. Well, I gave,

4:53

I did give him a Secret

4:55

Santa. But you didn't buy it.

4:57

I forgot to buy him a

4:59

Secret Santa. Yeah, this is not

5:01

the Callity there somewhere. Can I

5:03

just call the time? Sure,

5:06

sure. Please. Are

5:08

we, are the two Secret Santa's

5:10

that we did separate? So we

5:12

did our Christmas show ones, and

5:14

we also did Radio X ones.

5:16

Yeah, they're separate, yeah. So they're

5:18

different rules. Uh,

5:21

yes. Okay, good. Why? Oh,

5:23

no, because you forgot to be... No. No, no,

5:25

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

5:27

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

5:29

no, no, no,

5:32

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

5:36

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

5:46

no, And

5:49

then and then give put a chip like one

5:51

chip and then for like whatever was a tenon.

5:53

Yeah, but put it in the envelope. They would

5:55

have liked that secret Santa. Good idea. It's a

5:57

great idea. Yeah. So carry on. So

6:00

you're guilt -free now. You can carry on

6:02

that guilt -free. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm

6:04

good. I'm all good to go. So what

6:06

you're saying is I owe James really another

6:08

food shoot. And do you feel as though

6:10

I owe you more importantly? I

6:12

feel offended. Can I can

6:14

I can I just put my hand up again? Yes,

6:16

you can. I cried. I

6:18

feel like iMode as well.

6:21

Me, okay. Okay,

6:23

in what way? In

6:25

the way that I've been your friend

6:27

longer than James. Yes, true. I've been

6:30

your friend for 20 odd years. Yes.

6:32

And you are... Many things you are

6:34

a lovely lovely man. Thank you. I

6:37

think you're one of the best broadcast

6:39

journalists on British radio. Thank you very

6:41

much Yeah, you're somebody I could rely

6:43

on and I love you very very

6:46

much as a friend. Okay, good you

6:48

give crap And I've had years of

6:50

crap Now when you I mean, can

6:53

you can you name one? I

6:55

tell you what I tell you what I would

6:57

like you to name the some of the crap

6:59

presents you give me, okay? Go on

7:02

then, Titus. OK, do you want a list?

7:04

Titus Bramble. That's

7:06

good. Thank you. There is a big list. There's

7:08

a big list of presents that have come your

7:11

way, you lucky fella. Do

7:13

you remember the year, Chris, when you

7:15

received from me a snow globe? Do

7:18

you remember that year? Yeah, yeah, but it

7:20

wasn't a normal snow globe was it? It

7:22

was a picture of me as a child holding

7:24

a football Yeah, that's what I want in a

7:26

Liverpool. That's what I want a picture of

7:28

a young boy in a snow globe Young

7:30

boys are young me. Well, that's different. It's

7:32

better. You were still a boy when you

7:34

were younger I refer you to the year Chris.

7:36

You received x -ray spectacles Do you remember

7:38

that from National Geographic? Yeah, can I tell

7:40

you I They didn't work in the way

7:42

I heard word Yeah,

7:48

X -ray spectacles. It was too late, I saw nothing.

7:50

Is National Geographic, I think, sold those? So I thought,

7:52

do you know who will love those, Chris? You

7:55

may remember, I mean, you've talked about it once

7:57

or ten times, about when I gave you some

7:59

reindeer poo. Yeah, in a box. Do you remember

8:01

that? Reindeer poo. Actually boxed up from the North

8:03

Pole. Yeah. And do you know what I did?

8:05

Like an absolute friggin' idiot. Ate it. Do you

8:07

know what I did? I didn't. It sat on

8:09

a shelf in the kitchen for four years. Because

8:11

you didn't want to throw it away. Because I

8:13

didn't want to throw it away. I don't want

8:15

to be... I don't want to come... And then

8:17

one day it dawned on me, like the clouds

8:19

clearing to reveal a beautiful blue sky day. It

8:22

dawned on me one day. What the hell have

8:24

I got that on a shelf for? It's not

8:26

funny. And it's a crap present, almost to the

8:28

rude word then. Well, it literally is a crap

8:30

present. And I threw it, threw it in the

8:33

bin. Didn't put it in the bin, didn't drop

8:35

it. I threw it in the bin. I felt

8:37

so much happier about myself. Now, do you remember

8:39

Chris, when you received from me, a lava lamp.

8:42

But again, no

8:44

ordinary lava lamp, was it? Thank you. And thank you

8:46

for saying that. It wasn't an ordinary lamp. What was

8:49

the difference between that and normal lava lamps? Well, it

8:51

didn't have a bulb with it. That's right. But I

8:53

didn't know that at the time upon purchase. So you

8:55

plug it in, you switch it on, and... Nothing happened.

8:57

No. And what year was this? 2002? Probably

9:00

about five years ago. Yeah. Not a long time

9:02

ago. You missed out, which is a shame. Oh,

9:04

I feel like I missed out. For once, he'd

9:06

actually gone to the trouble and bought and spent

9:09

money and bought what he thought was a great

9:11

present. We all got one. Genius. And no bulb

9:13

in any of them. He was fuming. He was

9:15

raging with himself. I thought they were like 50

9:17

quid each. I thought that great. easy you to

9:19

not check the details, Dom. I know. But you

9:22

assume they were 50 quid each. You assume that

9:24

a lava lamp would have a bulb in it.

9:27

Actually, I'll say 50. Do you know

9:29

how the phrase battery's not included has

9:31

become a thing? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I

9:33

didn't realise that. And what about the time

9:35

you bought me the absolutely cheap awful

9:37

sounding crappy record player? Listen now, I

9:39

will defend myself there because this got

9:41

you into the world of vinyl and now

9:44

you since have a really good record

9:46

player. This was your gateway. Name any

9:48

song that I would know, Captain. Oh

9:51

my lord. Anything. Mr. Blue Sky. Mr. Blue Sky.

9:53

On the vinyl, on vinyl, on the record player

9:55

that don't play me. I bought you that. Sounded

9:57

like this. Mr. Blue

10:04

Sky. And I also bought you the

10:06

ELO album as well. Mr.

10:10

Blue Sky. Mr.

10:12

Blue Sky. It

10:22

a unique sound, but it got you

10:25

into vinyl. Do you know the only

10:27

good sound that ever came out of

10:29

that was when we threw in the

10:31

skip? How

10:34

rude. How

10:36

ungrateful. I'm

10:39

going to put it to the vote now and

10:41

the question is this. Should

10:43

Dumb buy James an extra present

10:45

to make up for Crappy Secret

10:47

Santa. Let's go around the room

10:49

first. James. Yes. Pepper.

10:52

Yes. Captain. Yes.

10:54

And I say yes, Dominic. I can

10:56

actually, I should say yes, I will.

10:58

And also, should I get a decent

11:01

present? Well, you've had a lot. it

11:03

time? Oh, from Dom. Yes.

11:06

You've had quantity, not

11:08

necessarily quality. I got amazing Christmas

11:11

presents this year from some of

11:13

the team. Yeah. Pippa

11:15

was overly generous and got me some

11:17

beautiful things for me to wear, made

11:19

out of beautiful material. Oh, that's nice.

11:22

Thanks. And Tiff actually went,

11:24

who got you that? That's lovely. That

11:27

was you. Oh, really? What did

11:29

you get? What was that? I got like a

11:31

beautiful scarf and a hat thing. Oh, that's lovely.

11:33

I don't know what you call it. Beanie

11:36

hat. Beanie hat. There you it. I was going to

11:38

call it a bobble hat with no bobble, which will

11:40

be an obel. Yeah. Anyway, James. Clearly,

11:43

cheap holiday experts done well at the end of

11:45

your tax accounts. No, for my

11:47

personal bank account. Got me a Leeds United

11:49

Home shirt for this season, which I don't

11:51

have yet. Now that is nice. And

11:54

you kindly re -gifted a bottle of champagne that

11:56

somebody had given to you. It wasn't a re

11:58

-gift. No, and I'm very grateful. Thank you. Thank

12:00

you. It was though, wasn't it? No, it wasn't.

12:03

It was. Look me in the eye and don't

12:05

forget. It wasn't a re -gift. It wasn't -gift.

12:07

Did you buy yourself? Yes. From where? Co -op.

12:10

They don't sell bolly and co -op. They do.

12:12

Oh, are you a living posher? do. Oh, I

12:14

had a tassenger. It wasn't bolly. I wasn't a

12:16

tassenger. Captain, thank you for whatever. You got me

12:19

as well. Thank you. I'm glad it made an

12:21

impression. Yeah, I can't remember. That's

12:23

fine. You got me a lovely bottle of

12:25

wine. Thank you. And some chocolates. Yeah,

12:28

thank you very much. Did you? Yeah. Did

12:30

you get me a bottle of wine? No.

12:32

Oh. Well, you didn't drink wine. What did

12:34

you get me? I'm not going to tell

12:36

you. OK. Did you get me anything else?

12:39

Yes. OK. You must remember what Captain got

12:41

you. Honestly, I can't, but that doesn't mean

12:43

it was a bad present. It's a fairly

12:45

background present. I don't mind omitting that, but

12:47

I'm not telling you. Can anybody remember? I

12:50

didn't see what Captain got you. Did I say

12:52

thank you? I'll

12:54

be honest, I don't think so. But you didn't

12:56

open them on the day though, did you? No,

12:58

didn't. I saved the bottle until I got home

13:01

after the Christmas day show. So thank you Captain,

13:03

thank you. And thank you for that and thank

13:05

you James. You're welcome. And thanks Lucy for going

13:07

to the co -op. Thank you, no I went

13:09

to the co -op. I went the -op. Shall

13:12

we give a date that this... Shall we give

13:14

a secret Santa date? Yeah, by the podcast next

13:16

week it has to have got James something. Oh

13:18

wow, okay, you give me a week, okay. I've

13:23

rambled on way too long. I'm not even going to

13:25

say today on what's on the podcast this week because

13:27

we've had no guest for him to forget about. Dan

13:29

Walker and WhatsApp's basically. Yeah, not together. Not together. So

13:31

let's get into all the best bits of the week.

13:33

Thank you for listening. Enjoy the Christmas show on Radio

13:35

X podcast. Turn it up, Captain! I

13:51

was training again yesterday. I was

13:53

on the uh, I did I

13:55

tickled some weights. Yeah tickled them

13:57

really and then I jumped on

13:59

the treadmill. Good. However, it's supposed

14:02

to run on it. That's

14:05

good. That is good.

14:08

Get out. Get out. You're

14:10

in the same bin for five minutes.

14:13

It's either that or I'll play the jingle. up

14:16

to you. Play the jingle. Yes.

14:23

Well done. You've just made

14:25

the worst joke on today's show. Thank

14:30

you. Anyway, Jamie, formerly

14:32

Jamie, my trainer, is

14:34

like, are we on for next week then?

14:36

We're going to get back to it when

14:38

we get back to the training next week.

14:40

And I'm like, I just need to double

14:42

check. I'm just putting it off. Because as

14:44

much as I have trained in January, It's

14:47

nowhere near the amount. Forget the

14:49

treadmill, but when it comes to,

14:51

like, strength training. Right. Jamie. Because

14:54

he's pushing it, isn't he? Yeah. Because

14:56

he pushes you and that stupid competitive thing kicks in where

14:58

you're like, you know, he goes, right, you got to do

15:00

10 of these, you do 10 of them. But if I'm

15:02

at home, I might do eight. Yeah. Six.

15:05

Two. Yeah. Just look at the weights and God,

15:08

that'll do. Yeah. So yeah, I'm

15:10

not I need to do it, but I'm

15:12

not looking forward to it because here's the

15:14

thing I Ruddy hate it. Yeah, that's hate

15:16

it. That's a shame. Do you always feel

15:18

better afterwards though? Because it's

15:20

finished because it's for I see yeah,

15:22

and I've always said the same thing

15:24

people get you feel great afterwards if

15:26

I kicked you in the nuts yeah

15:28

for 10 seconds as soon as it

15:30

finished you'd feel better. That is true.

15:32

That is true. Anyway, so to celebrate

15:34

I'm gonna have a big cream pie

15:43

This is the Chris

15:45

Moyle Show podcast. James

15:49

Robinson is gonna sell me

15:51

the traitors. She's

15:55

got a text from our secret listener saying

15:57

oh, yeah, you've got to watch series one

15:59

and two the traitors Yes, and I'm like

16:01

I know but I didn't see series one

16:04

series two is the ending of series two

16:06

is like Shakespeare Yes, but it's amazing. There's

16:08

a woman. I'm dancing a nice. Hmm. It

16:10

was in it She was yeah, she didn't

16:13

win so what's the point me watching that

16:15

series? plays a massive role in series two,

16:17

but is it still worth watching? Yeah, absolutely

16:19

right sell it to me James So there's

16:22

a big group of people And

16:25

anonymously, a small group

16:27

of those are selected by Claudia to

16:30

be the traitors. The traitors? The traitors.

16:32

No, that's not the That's the French

16:34

version. Right. And then

16:36

what they, the traitors have to do

16:38

is each night they will murder one

16:40

of the... What? ...group of the... Well,

16:43

they leave alone. Last Quick Games? Yeah.

16:45

Not actually murder. Just put that out there.

16:47

Chickens. Stupid BBC. Put it on Channel 4

16:50

that had killed them. So there's a murder

16:52

that happens with just the traitor team in

16:54

the tower. What tower? In

16:56

the traitor tower. They go to a special tower. It's

16:58

filmed in a castle in the Highlands of Scotland. So

17:00

they live in the castle? No.

17:03

For TV purposes, yes, but probably not,

17:05

no. So they don't live in the castle?

17:07

No. So they pretend they live in castle? They spend a lot

17:09

of time in the castle. And what do they do? They

17:12

just wonder about the castle? They do tasks,

17:14

like these big tasks together, to put money

17:16

in a pot, which could be one at

17:18

the end by one person. And

17:20

then each night, all the

17:23

contestants will get around a round

17:25

table and try and find the

17:27

traitors. Right. So they have to

17:29

try and identify who looks guilty,

17:32

who is... So how many people are on

17:34

the show? It starts with 22, 23. Right,

17:36

and how many traitors are there? Well, it

17:39

can vary. Right. Usually it

17:41

starts at about three. Yeah. Right.

17:44

So you go, are you a traitor? And

17:46

someone goes, no. Yeah. Well,

17:48

that's the thing. And he asks you that,

17:50

innit? I'm a faithful, yeah. It's lovely watching

17:52

people try to lie and try and work

17:55

out, but people get so upset. Yeah. at

17:57

the thought of people lying to them, even

17:59

though that's the whole point of the game.

18:01

There's always tears and stress. And

18:03

people looking at things too much. Well, you were chatting to

18:05

me yesterday, but you didn't chat to me today. So are

18:08

you doing that because you're guilty? You didn't look me in

18:10

the eye yesterday when I asked you about that. Everyone

18:13

gets to get so powerful. I'll be

18:15

honest. It sounds annoying. No, it's

18:17

not annoying. It's fascinating. I think you go through

18:19

waves of the annoying, but the annoying makes it

18:21

good. Right. And then before you leave, you address

18:23

the table and say, I've had a lovely time.

18:27

and then he go faithful or

18:29

traitor and they all go oh

18:31

we got rid of a faithful

18:33

oh you want to get rid

18:35

of a traitor it doesn't sound

18:37

good but it is actually genuinely

18:39

really good and Claudia Winkerman is

18:42

brilliant yeah she's right so good

18:44

isn't it Claudia is iconic she

18:46

is right it's very difficult to

18:48

explain Secret listeners, we fast forward

18:50

through most of the tasks to be honest. Yeah,

18:52

yeah, it's true. The tasks are the... There's no

18:54

drama in the tasks. The roundtables the best bit.

18:56

Yeah. And celebrity traders, does that

18:58

happen? Is that a thing? That is going

19:01

to happen, yeah. Oh, they should put me

19:03

on it. The US... I'd be perfect on

19:05

it. Chris, are you a traitor? I

19:07

don't... I'm going to be honest. I don't really

19:09

understand what's going on. You're not great at lying.

19:12

I think I'm part of Faithless. We

19:14

come one. You're

19:17

not great at lying Dom can tell Connie.

19:19

Yeah, that's it. You know we can't you

19:21

move your mouth your mouth wobbles Listen, I'd

19:23

be good on the show apart from staying

19:26

in the holiday in I think I'm throwing

19:28

me. I'm out. I'm a traitor. I can't

19:30

stay there anymore I don't need holiday. It's

19:32

not a phone because they don't do room

19:35

service. I think it's travel logic No, I

19:37

can lie Let's play it now. All right,

19:39

so you tear up terror one two three

19:41

four five of us tear up a five

19:44

piece of paper right trailer one of them

19:46

OK. Oh, this is fun. Easy.

19:53

Yeah, do want to pick out one? Yeah, easy. It's

19:55

a good introduction to the show, actually, for you, this.

19:58

There's one T and four S,

20:00

OK? OK. It's

20:02

my kind of game. OK.

20:10

I'm just going to be a

20:12

funny look. Did you hear? What?

20:14

Yeah, nothing. Did I hear what?

20:16

Nothing. Right. So you,

20:18

someone who watched the show started off because I

20:20

don't know how this works. Where's Claudia? Where

20:23

is Claudia? She's busy today. Can

20:25

I start? Yeah, go on. That's

20:27

good. When Dom started looking at

20:29

his bit of paper, you look

20:31

very guilty. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. You

20:34

did. Maybe there was boobs on

20:36

it. Yeah. I wasn't actually laughing at something

20:38

Captain said, which no one else heard, but

20:40

that's fine. I was totally

20:42

silent. Yeah. That's what I think you're like.

20:45

Did you get a T or an F? I've got an

20:48

F on my bit paper. I've got an F. Can I

20:50

look you in the eye? I am a

20:52

faithful, James. I

20:54

am a faithful. Chris, you look so guilty. Chris,

20:56

this is exactly what the round table sounds like.

20:59

I'll be honest, I don't really know what's going

21:01

on. So you're either a traitor or a faithful

21:03

and you look like a traitor. Do you know

21:05

why I was smiling? Because I forgot what the

21:07

F stood for. Right.

21:10

But I got an F. I just told you

21:12

got an F. I got an F. Well, I'm

21:14

a faithful. No. No, not. But someone has to

21:16

have a T, don't they? Yeah, definitely. Dumb. Looks

21:19

guilty. I'm going to vote for James, anyway, because

21:21

I don't like him. James was the one who...

21:23

accused me to start with, which usually means, if

21:26

somebody's accusing you of right from the beginning, usually

21:28

means they're a traitor. Look at it. I'm happy

21:30

to vote for James, then. But also, James is

21:32

a total robot with no emotions, so he could

21:34

lie through teeth. OK, shall we write names down?

21:36

I'm bored. Just vote for James. Yeah. No, don't

21:38

vote for me. I'm writing James. Do you want

21:40

me to do it? I'll stand up there and

21:43

say... James, I'm sorry, I'm voting for you. It's

21:45

nothing personal. You're a nice guy, but I do

21:48

I don't have any paper, but I'm there. James, I'm

21:50

voting for you because I don't like you, and

21:52

I don't care whether you're a traitor or not.

21:54

So, account then. James, four. James, will

21:57

you come stand at the end of the Claudia? James,

22:00

please reveal to the group what you'd like

22:02

to say. I've had a terrible

22:04

time. I hope I don't see any of you

22:07

ever again. Oh, God. And I'd just like to

22:09

say, I am...

22:11

..a faithful. Bye!

22:21

James has gone. And

22:24

it turned out he was a faithful. He was an

22:26

F. He was an F. He was a faithful. I

22:28

could have told you that when I first let him.

22:30

We've lost one of our own. Come on, guys. Fantastic.

22:32

Step it up. What are you doing? You've lost one

22:34

of your own. Yeah. Right. Now, I'm happy to go

22:36

first on this. OK. Because I

22:38

just voted James out because I don't like him. So

22:40

that would be funny. But I

22:43

know the fact that you are the baddie,

22:45

you're the traitor man. Okay, you're fingering me.

22:47

Because of your reaction, when you open your

22:49

thing. I can look you dead in

22:51

the eye and say I am a faithful. You'll

22:54

be a liar. I'm a

22:56

faithful. Can I put my tuppence on at

22:58

this point? You do what you

23:00

want with your tuppence, love. I don't want

23:02

to jump on the old bandwagon, but I'm

23:04

going to and I'll tell you for why.

23:06

You're making a big mistake. Chris, you wanted

23:08

James to go because you don't like him.

23:10

Yeah. But immediately Dom was like, yes, and

23:12

you jumped on the bandwagon to point the

23:14

finger. Yes, he did. Because we'd started to

23:16

point our finger. No, but I thought James

23:18

was the traitor. No,

23:20

you didn't. I did, genuinely. had started fingering you

23:22

and then you suddenly fingered James. So

23:24

I'm like, off the back of... I I

23:27

mean, to be fair, I haven't even started looking at

23:29

Captain. You're also doing exactly what you accused me of

23:32

doing. Well, yeah, because it's

23:34

my turn at the round table. Pippa, I just look to

23:36

Captain. He's one of us. My

23:39

faithful, is that what you're saying? Yep. OK?

23:41

Yep. Ooh. Oh, look

23:43

at your face! What? You've

23:45

got Gil all over you. I know who

23:47

it is, I know it's not me and

23:49

I know who are. writing down Dominic. looked

23:51

up when you said that. I'm locked in.

23:54

See? I don't know if they say that on

23:56

the show. This is how it works. I think

23:58

it's how you want. OK. I think I've made

24:00

my decision. Yeah. I've made my decision. OK. Pippa.

24:02

I'm going to say, I'm sorry, Dom. I might

24:04

be wrong. Dom. OK.

24:06

I'm saying bye -bye. I'm

24:08

saying captain. And

24:11

I too am saying goodbye, Dom.

24:13

OK. Dom,

24:15

time to go. Time

24:17

to go. Do they sing that on the

24:19

show? Guys, I've had a lovely time. Uh

24:22

-huh. My back's a

24:24

bit sore, actually. Oh, no. I

24:26

can tell you. Yes. I

24:28

am, in fact, faithful.

24:39

Now, I didn't realise how much you get hunches

24:41

on this show because you always watch traitors, you

24:43

know, they've got a hunch, they're barking at the

24:45

wrong tree. I had a hunch, I barked up

24:47

the wrong tree. I thought it was dumb. I

24:51

was a faithful, I'm afraid. But I've had a

24:53

hunch from the beginning, and it

24:55

might have you been clever, but you

24:57

said, I've forgotten what the F stands for. And

24:59

in my head, I'm like, Well, you must have

25:01

seen an F on your little bit of paper,

25:03

so I still think you're a faithful. So

25:06

I've got no choice, Captain, but I

25:08

think it's now you and you've stayed

25:10

quiet. Well. So I

25:12

think it might be you. I don't

25:14

know. Interesting theory. So

25:16

I was thinking about Chris as well. I

25:19

was thinking about me. That's

25:21

the end of my sentence. Thanks for hunches, mate. No,

25:24

I was thinking about you, Chris, and you've been playing.

25:27

Dumb to the rules. To

25:29

try and get away. To be fair, in

25:31

my defence. Oh, you're just being dumb. I

25:33

didn't know the rules, I've never seen the

25:35

show. Sam, it's two schools of thought

25:37

here that you're either you really don't know what

25:40

the rules are and you are just blagging it

25:42

and you are a faithful, or you're being clever

25:44

and you've got tea on that bit of paper.

25:46

I have an F on the piece of paper and I've been

25:48

honest from day one. You

25:51

see, Ben's texting saying, Pev

25:53

is definitely the traitor. I'm

25:55

like, but why? But

25:58

I'm curious. Now, okay. I think he's throwing

26:00

us up on the bus here. Because you

26:02

are leading. But

26:05

I want to know, what

26:07

is traitor behavior? I

26:09

don't know. Well, a traitor would say that.

26:12

A clever traitor would say that. Do you want

26:14

to know what I think? Go on. There's

26:18

a chance that it could be

26:20

Pippa because Pippa has been very

26:23

vocal and orchestrating a movement. Apart

26:25

from the first one, I just

26:27

made everyone vote for James. However,

26:30

I did enjoy that. You

26:32

are right. I did say I forgot

26:35

what the F stands for because I've

26:37

got an F. And then when you

26:39

said about Captain, and if you look

26:41

at his face, look at his face.

26:43

Hey, guys, it's very nice to think

26:46

of me like this. Time to write

26:48

your names down. So you and

26:50

I are the F's, you're a T. I agree.

26:52

We find you, you're gone, me and Pippa win

26:54

$50 ,000 each. It's a no -brainer. Well, you

26:56

won't be, because I'm a faithful. I was going

26:59

to be a traitor in the final. You're absolutely

27:01

not. You're making such a... It's time to vote.

27:03

That's what a traitor would say. Pippa,

27:05

which name are you writing down and why?

27:08

I'm really sorry, Captain. I have to go

27:10

with my hunch, because I've got nothing else

27:12

to go on. That's what they say. Okay.

27:14

Captain. Yep. Captain, which name are

27:16

you writing down and why? She's

27:18

done an awful lot of deflecting onto

27:21

me, and I think I've been duped.

27:23

Okay. Interesting. you

27:25

think it was me a second ago, and

27:27

now you suddenly think it's Pippa. You're a

27:29

traitor who doesn't know what he's saying. Chris,

27:32

nice. Nice. Captain is the traitor. Okay, so

27:34

Captain, You are a traitor. Two votes. Fine.

27:38

He's off. Stand by

27:40

the studio door, famously. Guys. I've

27:43

had the time of my life.

27:45

This has been life -defining. And

27:47

I am here to tell you

27:49

that I am... ..a faithful. No!

27:53

Chris Miles, you jammied old thing.

27:55

So what happens now? Could you

27:58

done? You now have to reveal

28:00

yourself. Yeah, reveal yourself. That kind

28:02

of show! How do we reveal?

28:05

Just stand up. I'm a traitor, I guess.

28:08

I think the traitors should stand up. Wobble

28:11

and lip my ass. Hey!

28:14

India faces! I just want

28:16

underground boom, boom, boom, boom!

28:19

Sign me up for celebrity version. And I'm

28:21

taking that money and I ain't going to

28:23

charity. Braw, braw, braw! That's

28:25

great. Braw, braw, braw. You can tell

28:28

what I'm lying. Can you, Dom? Bring

28:30

it up, boy. I forgot what the

28:32

F stood for. Excel from the genius

28:35

mind of Chris Meyers. Obviously, silly. Very

28:37

good. Are

28:40

you going to watch it now? No point. I just won

28:42

the blooming thing. The

28:44

Chris Moyle Show podcast. Not

28:49

bored. I'm going to talk about bow ties

28:51

for this long. This is Ludacris. Yeah. I

28:53

was enjoying that myself. They are

28:56

a waste of time. You've never worn one. I'm

28:58

guessing. I have worn one. A bow tie?

29:00

Yeah. For what event? I used to work

29:03

at the Forte Post House. I was one

29:05

of my jobs at uni. I was a

29:07

cocktail waitress. How many people

29:09

at the Forte post house were ordering

29:11

cocktails? Quite a few actually.

29:13

It was one of those ones, I'm sure

29:16

I've said this before, where you had to

29:18

stay open until the last hotel guest had

29:20

decided to leave. So sometimes you'd just be

29:22

up till a half or in the morning,

29:24

serving out one whisky every hour. And

29:27

then, yeah, I'd wear a

29:29

white shirt with long sleeves

29:31

and little flick. collars

29:34

and a black waistcoat and a

29:36

dicky bow. Not

29:38

a real one though, no. No, clip on

29:40

one. But I used to try

29:42

and do Tobi's bow ties. But yeah, clip

29:44

-ons are better. Oh yeah, I think so.

29:47

Gotta clip on four. There was

29:49

one old man who was old. He turned

29:51

up every day by my presence. I remember

29:53

it because it didn't have to be hotel

29:55

guests and just sit there every day. Sometimes

29:57

he'd write me poems. He'd

30:00

write you poems? Yeah,

30:02

he'd write me really long poems and then

30:04

he'd put it in a bag with a

30:06

bar of chocolate and then like... it's nothing

30:08

more romantic than sticking a poem in a

30:10

bag. Did you date him? No.

30:13

You didn't? No, I just... If

30:15

only he'd have known. He

30:18

had to ask you three times. He

30:20

would have been a yes. Was he a much

30:22

older gentleman or was he probably about 50? Because

30:24

you were about 10 or something. Oh, boy. He

30:27

was 42. Exactly, yeah. He's a really old

30:29

decrepit dinosaur of a dude. He's a really

30:31

weird guy in the corner. What's

30:34

afterwards? He was 12 years older than me.

30:36

What's the safe age to say at this

30:38

point? He was 95. 95 is good. Yeah.

30:41

Dick Van Dyke it was. Wow.

30:44

What a hotel. We've

30:49

all been in the game a long time, Dom.

30:51

yes. Absolutely. Man and boy. Man

30:53

and boy. Man and boy. Doing it a

30:55

long time, we have. What was your earliest

30:57

on radio, Dom? He did

31:00

a show with Marconi, he was Test

31:02

Transmissions. Hey now, I used to work

31:04

on Heroid Radio in 1992. So,

31:08

just like reporting a news reading and stuff like that.

31:10

How old were you Captain Crapbeard? Hello,

31:12

morning everyone. Morning Captain. Morning everyone, thanks for having

31:14

me. Morning morning. It's 92 you say.

31:16

Yeah, you weren't born with you. I was born in

31:19

91. You were one. Well,

31:21

I was well, October 91, so I probably wasn't even

31:23

one. Wow. I was probably

31:25

a matter of months. That's frightening. A

31:28

matter of only months there, Dominic. I was

31:31

working at Kiss in Manchester in 94 when

31:33

you were three years old. Yeah. Look at

31:35

you. You're so cool. That's crazy. Down with

31:37

it. That is... What

31:39

do you like? What do you... What we

31:41

do? Reading the news? A kiss. When you

31:43

read the news on kiss, what do you

31:46

do? Do you like make it rhyme? Yeah,

31:49

you have to spit rhymes during

31:51

the news. Oh, my God. That

31:53

John Major, he's done something. Lisa,

31:55

Lisa. It wasn't quite that cool. Kiss

31:57

102, Essential News. I'm dominant there, that's

31:59

what I used to say. Did

32:02

you have an Essential News? Yeah, there

32:04

was a lot of... One hour a

32:06

day, just really boring. I shouldn't say

32:08

this, but we used to make up

32:11

and finally stories. I've told

32:13

you this, haven't I? Usually involving dogs on

32:15

skateboards. Because there was a bunch

32:17

around on some mornings. Like

32:19

Little Uplifter at the end. Yeah, that's

32:21

bad. You should never make up the

32:24

news. And also during... news

32:26

stories, we thought it'd be quite cool to

32:28

have a kind of... type noise. But

32:31

I did it with my mouth. No, you didn't.

32:33

No, you didn't. I did. So Gary Burton, who

32:35

was a DJ, morning Gary, real name Mark Shaw,

32:38

changed it to Gary Burton. Would

32:40

put a bit of echo on my mic, so I

32:42

go, and the government will do that later on this

32:44

afternoon. In other

32:46

news... I promise. I

32:49

promise. I don't know. Any

32:52

other sound effected would be better. Yeah, exactly. I don't

32:54

know why we did that. Perhaps it was during the

32:56

sport. We might have done it. I'll try one now.

32:58

I'll just drop one in. Okay. What, to break the

33:01

stories up? You did that. Yeah, with my mouth. Start

33:03

a headline again. I was making up an unfinally story

33:05

about a dog on a skateboard. a

33:07

good idea. Isn't it, though? I've got loads of sound effects

33:09

here. We can try it. Okay, well, let's... I'll try it

33:11

with the sport. Let's see. Room

33:13

number in said his side might be the worst in the

33:15

history of Manchester United. They were beaten 3 -1 to Brighton

33:18

yesterday. Not too far

33:20

into the six points of leaders Liverpool. They got a

33:22

3 -2 win over Southampton. Manchester

33:24

City thrashed Ipswich, 6 -0. Everton beats

33:26

Burs, 3 -2. In

33:29

the championship. It works, doesn't it?

33:31

Can you feel it kind of just... Keep

33:33

going, this is fun. In the championship, Leeds

33:35

United, East Pass, Sheffield, Wednesday, 3 -0 yesterday

33:37

to go top of the table. Our

33:41

Rangers are into the last 16 in the

33:43

Scottish Cup. They thrashed Fraser Burr, 5 -0.

33:47

I'm Dominic Byrne. All

33:52

right, so now we can go and take

33:55

some calls from people and actually speak to

33:57

real life people Real people everyone. Why am

33:59

I gonna go first James? Let's

34:02

go to Steve Steve. Hmm. Good

34:04

morning Steve Morning. We all right.

34:06

I'm good. How are you? Morning

34:08

Steve? Yeah, thank you. Where are

34:11

you Steve? I'm

34:13

currently in Oxfordshire, but from

34:15

Gloucester. Oh lovely God's

34:17

country, isn't it? If

34:19

you were able to ask us anything, what would

34:22

your question be, Steve? Well,

34:24

my question was for all of you, I suppose. Snog,

34:26

Mary, and Void, Toby Tarrant,

34:29

Johnny Vaughan, and Dan O 'Connell.

34:31

Oh, blimey.

34:33

Snog, Mary, and Void. I guess

34:35

I'm exempt from this, maybe. No.

34:37

Oh, no. He did say

34:39

it's for all of us. So we have to

34:41

answer. I'll go first. Go

34:44

on. I would probably

34:46

snog, Johnny. Marry

34:48

Toby and avoid Dan. You'd avoid Dan, would

34:51

you? Now, I only say that because Dan

34:53

famously doesn't drink alcohol and is a thief.

34:55

Yeah. And I do like alcohol and I

34:57

like my things to remain in my home.

35:00

Yeah. Do you know what? I'm similar to

35:02

you and this is no disrespect to Dan

35:04

O 'Connell, but I would avoid Dan O

35:06

'Connell for the same reason you've just said.

35:08

Right. But it does sound as though that

35:11

now this is a pylon, it's not at

35:13

all. We love Dan O 'Connell. I'd

35:16

marry Johnny Vaughn. What do you? I'd marry him.

35:18

I'd marry him in a heartbeat. I don't know

35:20

if I could live with him. And I've always

35:22

wanted to snog a taller man. I've always said

35:25

that to you, haven't I? So I'd snog Toby

35:27

Tarrant. He's six foot five.

35:29

I'm the same as you, Chris. I'd marry Toby. It's

35:31

got a lot in common with him. I think out

35:33

of the rest. I couldn't keep up with Johnny, so

35:36

being married will be chaos. But be a great kisser.

35:38

Yeah. Dan O 'Connell, I'm sorry

35:40

it's a default. Not looking good for you, Dan.

35:42

Let's go to James Robinson. And

35:45

marry Johnny. like when

35:47

i've married him already no we'll

35:49

joint marriage because that is it's

35:51

just fun and imagine that every

35:53

day no it'd be brilliant it'd

35:55

be chaos ah well i don't

35:57

want to share toby too much

36:00

so i'm going to avoid toby

36:02

oh that's a big yes for

36:04

your friend all right and finally

36:06

pepper I

36:25

think I'd marry Johnny. I think living

36:27

life with him would be an adventure.

36:29

Wouldn't it? And

36:31

sorry, Dan, but I'd have to avoid Dan

36:33

O 'Connell. So basically, it's you and Dominic

36:36

are both married to Johnny Vaughn. Yes. And

36:38

avoiding Dan O 'Connell. With James Robinson, you

36:40

married him well. James married Johnny. What a

36:42

lovely happy house that will be, Steve. It'd

36:46

be a loud one, wouldn't it? Wouldn't

36:48

it just, Steve? But mainly just one

36:50

voice, to be honest. Steve,

36:53

thank you very much for being our first

36:55

caller on Askers Anything. Thanks, Steve. Cheers, guys.

36:57

Have a good day. Bye -bye. Question.

37:03

Ask us anything. Radio

37:06

X. Oh, yeah.

37:08

All right, so, we have another

37:10

caller. Oh. And her name is

37:12

Anna. Good morning, Anna. Morning,

37:15

Chris. Morning, team. Morning, Mum and Dad and

37:17

the Dalekans. Are you Mum and Daddy? Yeah,

37:19

where are they? Hello. Hi.

37:21

Hi, Dad. No, they're in bed.

37:24

They're in bed at quarter to

37:26

nine. Oh, lazy people. Gosh. Ladies

37:28

and gentlemen, ladies ladies ladies ladies

37:30

and gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen

37:33

ladies and

37:36

gentlemen ladies

37:39

and gentlemen

37:42

ladies and

37:45

gentlemen ladies

37:48

and had

37:52

a big career change after 25 years

37:54

in buying and merchandising. Totally different. Right.

37:56

So what would you all do if

37:58

you weren't working in radio? Oh, good

38:01

question. I'd be signing on. You'd be

38:03

signing on, would you? Yeah. What would

38:05

you do, Chris? I've done radio your

38:07

whole life. I've never had another job.

38:10

No. So... Would you

38:12

like do something else? Well, I've heard

38:14

that there's an opening in buying. Yeah,

38:17

apparently. Anna's left. Absolutely fine. I reckon

38:19

you'd have a bussy van. I could

38:21

see Chris with a bussy van. Do

38:23

you know what? I've never thought about

38:25

that before, but I can't disagree with

38:27

you. That's great. Miles Munch. What?

38:29

Munch the Munch? Telling us Miles Munch. Oh, Miles

38:31

Munch? Anna, I think you've thought this through way

38:34

too much. Yeah, you haven't. I've

38:36

had way too much time to think about it. Have you

38:38

done a business plan already for Chris? It sounds like you've

38:41

made them. Oh, yeah, totally. Don, what

38:43

would you do? I would strip a

38:45

gram without... of what? Go on. No.

38:47

Without a shadow of a doubt, I

38:50

would be running a bed and breakfast

38:52

in France is what I would be

38:54

doing in a can see we had

38:57

window cleaner, actually. What? And

39:00

why is that, Anna? I

39:03

wonder if just thinking of science, you'd say.

39:05

Spend all day polishing the frames themselves. I

39:07

knew Anna was wrong and when we picked...

39:09

He's very thorough. He was doing my bedroom

39:11

window for good hour the other day. Absolutely.

39:14

You've got to go... Waiting. What

39:16

would you do? You've done

39:18

loads of stuff. I've done loads

39:20

of stuff. I'd like to do

39:22

something like creative and arty. I

39:24

reckon I'd work with Nick Park

39:26

on Aardman Productions. I'd like to

39:28

work on a Nex Wallace and

39:30

Gromit film. Oh, wow. Oh,

39:33

nice. I like making stuff out of plasticine and

39:35

stuff. Right. Yeah.

39:37

But Varsal Crash is it. Do you indeed? Varsal Crash,

39:39

I've got a little bit of patience. James.

39:42

use my hands. I would almost

39:44

certainly... in my Homer Simpson -style job

39:46

at Sellafield. You were, weren't you?

39:48

Doing nuclear power stuff. the husband, dude.

39:50

Does he? Yeah, that's on the

39:52

husband. Yeah, he's actually there today, yeah.

39:55

What site? At Sellafield? Yeah,

39:57

he's at Sellafield in Cumbria, yeah. Does

40:00

he glow in the dark as well, Anna? No,

40:02

we don't do that. He does, yeah. No, he

40:04

doesn't, I know. I'm not saying it's affected him,

40:06

but we don't have a bedroom side lamp because

40:09

he just glows all night long. It's

40:11

all totally safe, people. It

40:13

is safe to say that. Captain, what would you

40:15

do? I probably would have stubbing

40:18

a barista for a few years if I'd never

40:20

got into radio. A barista? I was before. Where

40:22

are you? And I'd probably still be doing that

40:24

for a few more years. Coffee man. Coffee man.

40:27

But like a little fan. When you say

40:30

barista, I'd be on the counter at Starbucks

40:32

going, Maureen? It's a bit of

40:34

both, yeah. Right. Captain's coffee. Captain's coffee. I can have

40:36

a little van. Can you do the... You can put

40:38

your van next to my van. Oh, sweet. And we

40:40

can tour festivals around the UK. That'd

40:43

be great. Yeah. Hey,

40:47

we just ordered our breakfast, and we

40:49

always order on a Friday a treat.

40:52

So everybody orders their breakfast. We got canteen upstairs.

40:54

Can't know. Global's done all right for itself. Yeah,

40:56

it's a lovely canteen. And it used to be

40:58

we'd order a box of hash browns, and then

41:00

everyone would dive in and have a hash brown.

41:03

But sometimes they'd get a bit sweaty in the

41:05

box. So we changed it to

41:07

a box of bangers. And we

41:09

would have a box of sausages. Bangers in a box.

41:11

And it doesn't matter what anybody's having for breakfast, we

41:14

go through those sausages. So I don't know

41:16

how I'm going to be in there. Six,

41:18

something like Yeah, they're lovely as well. Dom's

41:20

straight in, James's in, Pibba's in, Hyman, Captain's

41:22

in. And I said, it doesn't matter what

41:24

you have. Today, Captain has ordered porridge. Yeah.

41:27

But he'll still have a couple of sausages

41:29

out the sausages box. Oh. Dip him in.

41:31

What? There is an update. Yes.

41:33

There's an update. Go on. Our

41:35

intern Becky said, they're in Chris's

41:38

box. What? All the sausages?

41:41

What? All the sausages? Why are they in your box? I don't want

41:43

them in your box. Have you got a heavy box? How

41:46

many sausages? Brilliant. Well, well done. Do you

41:48

know what? Honestly, I'm going to say it

41:50

now. I've had enough. I can't take it

41:52

anymore. Why have

41:54

they put all the sausages in one? So

41:56

I've ordered a bagel, a bacon bagel. So

41:59

in my box is a bacon bagel and

42:01

six sausages. So weird.

42:03

Now for everyone to get their sausages, now

42:05

everyone has to reach into my thing with

42:07

their dirty little grubby thing. What's wrong with

42:09

you canteen people? Are you on glue? Do

42:12

you want to dish them out yourself? You're

42:14

going to have to remove your bagel first,

42:16

I think, and then it's a free for

42:18

all you. What are some of the classics

42:20

that we've had from the canteen in recent

42:22

years? Wasn't the one

42:25

where we ordered something like a bacon

42:27

sandwich and we got bacon? Yeah, and

42:29

then on the side toast salmon and

42:31

cream cheese bagel without salmon we've had

42:33

yeah, yeah It's a box of sausages

42:35

But can I have a sausage though?

42:37

Oh, do you know what? Well wait

42:39

because we've got to check the other

42:41

boxes because what did you order Tom?

42:43

I got bacon bagel. What do you

42:45

order captain porridge? They're probably just put

42:47

it in the same box. That's true

42:49

It's all in the same box. We

42:51

just thought we'd save on boxes. So

42:53

we put the porridge and the bacon

42:55

bagel in the same box. It is

42:57

dripping a little bit. It is dripping,

42:59

but there you go. I've

43:01

got nine poached eggs there. What did you order, James?

43:04

Omelette. And what did you order, Pippa? Bacon

43:06

bagel. Yeah, so what we thought we'd do

43:08

is we just put it in the same

43:10

box. So that's a good

43:12

bacon bagel out from the omelette. Somebody

43:15

also ordered an orange juice. So we just poured

43:17

it in. Save on them

43:19

little plastic cups. We're saving the environment. Just

43:21

so we get our breakfast on Monday morning,

43:24

can I just say hello to the canteen?

43:26

Yeah. And thank you very much. Goodbye. And

43:28

thank you. I want to just put it on

43:31

in the same box. We've never done this voice

43:33

before. It's a new one. It's a lovely character

43:35

voice. It is a lovely character. What's your name,

43:37

by the way? Bind. Yeah. Chesney.

43:40

Chesney. Ches -the -chef. Oh.

43:42

Chesney -chef. Ches -chef.

43:44

The one and only. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

43:46

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just put it on in

43:49

the same box. This is

43:51

the Chris Moyle Show podcast.

43:55

Here's a lovely story

43:58

about, let's just say,

44:00

a woman and a

44:02

man and a photocopier.

44:06

Oh my god. It was

44:08

quite a few months ago

44:10

now that Pippa was in

44:13

her office at work and

44:15

a man Who's

44:18

new to the company

44:20

was at the photocopier

44:22

Pippa being the friendly

44:24

woman that she is

44:27

said hello. Good morning

44:29

But her advances were

44:31

shunned as the photocopier

44:33

man Just ignore Dan

44:36

Walker Dan Ended up

44:38

hearing this link and

44:40

reached out quite literally

44:42

lily yeah to Pippa

44:45

to say Listen

44:47

chick. I've got no

44:49

issue with you babes

44:51

big up babes and

44:53

From that a beautiful

44:55

friendship flourished. Yeah, he

44:57

bombarded her with gift

44:59

sent to the studio

45:01

and Something was beginning

45:03

Was it well, that's

45:05

not where the story

45:07

ends Because today Pippa

45:09

has just received Another

45:11

message from Dan Dan

45:13

the stalker man And

45:15

she's gonna open that

45:17

message live on the

45:19

air now I'm not

45:21

gonna open it open

45:23

it because it's double

45:25

blue tick. I'm just

45:27

gonna look at the

45:29

preview screen But there

45:31

might be more to

45:34

it Do you have

45:36

the of the photos

45:38

just go straight to

45:40

your camera roll because

45:42

then Morning Good

45:44

start. Good start. Casual but, you know,

45:46

friendly. Back in the building today.

45:48

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's been away. Can I get

45:50

off of you? No. Sorry. Hope you're

45:53

okay. Hope you're okay. Rhymes, pal. Can I get

45:55

off of you? Will ping

45:57

you some days for a coffee. Oh.

46:01

And then two, two, like, dartboard signs,

46:03

you know, those are trees. Oh, for

46:05

boobs. And a picture of a parrot.

46:09

What? What? Two, so

46:11

a dart. And then

46:13

a dartboard. So show me

46:15

the dart, James. That's the dart. Yeah, show me

46:17

the dartboard. And that's the dartboard. And what do

46:20

you do with the dart? Oh, I see. Hang

46:23

on. I don't get the darts.

46:25

And the toys. Oh, does he

46:27

mean ping you? Ping. Look that.

46:29

Ping you sundaes. Let's hope that's

46:31

what he means. Ping ping. Otherwise

46:35

Toby might have to duck him up in

46:37

a car park. What's the other emoji? So

46:39

ping ping and then followed by what? He

46:41

just says, let's have a coffee soon. And

46:43

then he sent me an aubergine emoji. No,

46:45

he did it. And an umbrella. It a

46:47

para. And then a

46:49

happy looking face. No. Two

46:51

basketballs. making this up now. A

46:54

courgette. A peach. And

46:56

then the emoji for a slightly bit of

46:59

regret. Why

47:03

is there a parrot there? Ping ping

47:05

parrot. Why ping ping parrot? Oh, that's

47:07

his nickname. He sent another one.

47:09

I've opened it, so I have opened it. OK. So

47:11

that's OK. Here go. I've had the double blue tick.

47:14

He's put rogue parrot, not sure how he got in there.

47:16

Yeah, he was meant to be in a machine. So

47:20

just two pings. Now, how on are you going

47:22

to reply? Oh, can I reply for you? Oh,

47:24

this is lovely. No, no, no, you can trust

47:26

me. Why don't you go,

47:29

sounds good, umbrella emoji,

47:32

Santa Claus emoji, police

47:34

car. Absolutely. And

47:36

jail. Yeah. Though I

47:39

know this isn't as exciting, but do

47:41

you remember the reason why we were

47:43

talking about it on the Saturday show?

47:45

Oh, because he's the president of the

47:48

Television and Radio Industries Club. Oh, that's

47:50

right. The Trick Awards, of course. And

47:52

we want to know how we can

47:54

get an award. I think you've won

47:56

the gold prize. Oh, you're

47:58

right. Chris got emotional. So

48:01

what's the next step then, now?

48:03

After the pink thing won. It's

48:05

obvious. She sleeps with him. Yes.

48:08

And then we win the award. How

48:10

much do you want to win, Pip?

48:12

Yeah. Take one for the team. Just

48:16

kissing. Done on

48:18

really so right. You know

48:20

what happens, say it. What

48:23

happens is... Did

48:27

he reply? No, I haven't replied to him.

48:29

Oh, come on. Shall we help you form

48:31

a reply? Oh, sorry. That was for a

48:33

hand over music. Let's help

48:35

you write a reply to Dan Walker. We

48:38

are men, and we know how men respond.

48:40

So you've got to make sure that it's

48:42

not mucky. Yeah. It might

48:44

be mucky. No, but it's very difficult

48:46

to write something that a man can't

48:49

find some kind of innuendo in there.

48:51

Exactly. So I would just write, hey,

48:53

Dan, I'm well up for it. Do

48:56

you want to meet at the Holiday Inn? And you

48:58

promise he won't read into that? No, that would be

49:00

fine. Fine, yeah. OK, I trust you. With loads of

49:02

kisses. OK, all right. Yeah. Oh, no,

49:04

start it with, hey Dan, nice

49:07

parrot. Yeah. OK,

49:09

nice parrot, OK, fine. I

49:11

can't wait to see it.

49:13

OK. OK, I'm

49:15

going to put this in a draw first. Yeah, to

49:17

draw first. Do you have any pets? Kiss,

49:20

er... Shall I keep it more succinct

49:22

than that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What

49:24

do you what do you think about

49:27

writing? Um, this is to Dan Walker

49:29

from classical Look at my parrot That's

49:31

what his words not mine. Well, look

49:33

the balls in his court. Oh, I

49:35

would say that You can't go in

49:37

with that start that first one because

49:40

he's put will ping you some dates

49:42

for a coffee Yeah, well just write

49:44

hi Dan looking forward to you pinging

49:46

me. Yeah, okay. Oh, I'll do that.

49:48

That's definitely I'm well up for it

49:50

Shall we find a hotel? Now, what

49:53

emoji instead of the parrot emoji? What's

49:55

a good... Two basket balls. Two

49:57

basket balls. Two basket balls. Because

49:59

he's very sporty. So

50:02

that would work. He'll understand that, won't he?

50:04

OK. All right. OK, hey

50:06

Dan, looking forward to it. Basketball,

50:08

hockey stick, basketball. Cos

50:11

he loves... He's sport. Yeah. He

50:13

loves sport. Variety of sports. Yeah.

50:15

So hey Dan, looking forward to

50:18

being pinged and two basketballs. You

50:20

promise? Dim the

50:22

lights for me please. Don't

50:24

dim the lights. I'm

50:28

Simon Bates. One

50:30

of you bio runs a video. This

50:37

is a story about

50:39

a young woman And

50:42

a man. The

50:45

last we heard, Dan

50:48

Walker had sent her a message with some

50:50

weird emojis. And

50:53

Pippa decided to

50:55

reply. Because...

50:58

Are you telling me what to put? She...

51:01

is crazy. Anyway,

51:03

here's an update from Pippa.

51:06

So you told me what to reply yesterday. I

51:09

don't think we did. So what did you actually

51:11

reply with yesterday? I remember because our big boss

51:13

was in the building as well. was really embarrassing.

51:15

I couldn't look him in the eye. So,

51:19

so Dan, after sending flowers, do

51:21

you remember we were going to go out for

51:24

a coffee to discuss trick awards and stuff? Oh

51:26

yeah, because he's the president of some trick awards.

51:29

Flowers. It is. Yeah. Yeah.

51:32

Lovely flowers. So yesterday he messaged saying,

51:34

I'm back. Do you remember because he'd

51:36

gone away to me? Yes, he's back.

51:38

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I'll ping you

51:41

some dates for a coffee. Then he

51:43

I'll ping you. No, no, no, stop.

51:45

Some dates for coffee. I

51:47

mean, he sent me those two, like,

51:49

dartboard signs, whatever emojis, and then randomly

51:51

a power -up. That's right, like boobs.

51:53

Yeah. So, no, weren't like boobs. No.

51:55

But then weirdly, I said back, as

51:57

you told me, looking forward to

52:00

being pinged, two basketballs. Right, that's it. And

52:02

then Captain put in, like, 11 kisses and

52:04

then sent it. You're welcome, by the way.

52:06

12's too many, isn't it? Yeah, a bit...

52:08

Which I thought, in hindsight, I thought

52:10

was a bit forward of you. It was a bit forward,

52:13

in hindsight. You shouldn't have sent it. I

52:15

shouldn't have. You shouldn't have sent it. No,

52:17

you allowed me to, and you shouldn't have.

52:19

No, you said to it. You shouldn't have.

52:21

So what did he say? Please take out

52:24

his... Once he got that message with you,

52:26

and think, when you actually physically see 11

52:28

kisses on a text, it's quite a lot,

52:30

isn't it? So, laughing emojis,

52:32

and then randomly, because of this fun

52:34

emoji game, he sent me an emoji

52:36

of a plug and then a pig.

52:40

And that was before we didn't have a

52:42

chance to reference it because we were leaving.

52:44

A plug? A plug? A plug and a

52:46

pig. And a pig. Right. Try not to

52:48

read this emotion to them. Dirty boy. Hey

52:51

Simon, leave it. So, what do

52:53

you do to that? Just laugh at it. Just

52:55

a little response. Yeah. Laugh at emoji. Leave it

52:57

at that for a few days. it. That's it.

53:00

Okay, so that's where we are now, is it?

53:03

Not yet. No, not quite. Oh. Later

53:05

that afternoon. Oh. At

53:08

ten to four, there was a message that was

53:10

deleted. Oh. I was fine. Bits

53:13

us that. And

53:16

then 10 passed for 20

53:19

minutes later, another message saying,

53:22

that's a lot of kisses,

53:25

two lobster emojis. Oh, what

53:28

does that mean? Well, I think now it's

53:30

like a fun thing with emoji. No, it

53:32

doesn't mean that. Sorry, Graeme. Sorry about that.

53:34

Come on, Simon, hold it together. Oh, is

53:37

it something? I'm so sorry. I'm not hurrying,

53:39

Graeme. You were saying. Simon.

53:41

What does lobster mean? That's a lot

53:43

of kisses. Intrigued by

53:45

the basketballs. Oh, he's going

53:48

there, isn't he? How

53:50

about Coffee Next Tuesday after

53:52

this show? Good

53:55

loads of kissing. Coffee Next Tuesday. Which we're

53:57

all just a normal... To be fair, talk

53:59

about the Trick Awards. How we can... That's

54:01

it? You know. Anyway. So

54:03

what did you... So have you replied to that

54:05

yet? I left it a couple of hours when

54:07

I saw it. Keeping team. I'm

54:23

not even sure what the basketballs

54:25

are either. I

54:27

said, I'll see if I can do Tuesday and

54:29

then I panicked. I was trying to find two

54:31

wacky emojis now because we were in this emoji

54:34

game. So you said in my no -machine... Well,

54:36

I was going to send an umbrella, and I

54:38

was like, no, no, no, that's too phallic. So

54:40

I deleted the umbrella, and I put a frog

54:43

and a toadstool. So I thought that's quite safe.

54:45

Do you not know what that... That's copers. Yeah.

54:47

Do you not know that? That means you're a

54:49

swinger. She's done the frog and toadstool thing. Oh,

54:51

God. You've opened a world of troubles with that.

54:54

Oh, that's one of my favourites. I

54:56

love that combo. Then I put...

54:58

kisses in brackets just two this

55:00

time. You're

55:02

not helping. Very flirty. Because I have to

55:05

reference the kisses because Captain put two there.

55:07

No, you can just ignore them. Come with

55:09

nine more. So

55:11

then... Oh, no. What?

55:14

Down the slide. There's more. Great.

55:16

Let me know. Or, I could

55:19

do Tuesday as well, chicken ball

55:21

of wool. What

55:23

is chicken? OK, all right. Now, be

55:25

honest, are you enjoying this? Okay, then

55:27

stop it with the emojis. You need

55:30

to nip it in the bush. No,

55:32

you don't. The

55:34

lobster emoji in a flirty message can

55:36

have a few playful or symbolic meanings

55:38

depending on the context. You're

55:40

my lobster is often in odds with

55:43

the famous Friends TV show quote. Lobsters

55:47

are seen as rare and

55:49

luxurious. Or

55:52

playfulness, emojis often add a light

55:54

-hearted tone. The sender

55:56

might just be being quirky or using

55:58

it as a conversation starter to make

56:00

you smile. Excuse me. It's also used,

56:03

look at this, by men who hate

56:05

women, but fancy a woman in the

56:07

office. Chris James. He used

56:09

to present football focus, it says. Yeah.

56:11

James Robinson, can you please write? This

56:13

is chat GPT. No, it knows a

56:16

lot. Can you please read out verbatim

56:18

the question you've put into chat, please?

56:20

What does it mean when Dan Walker

56:22

sends me a lobster emoji? It

56:25

means he wants to... You put

56:28

what does the lobster emoji mean

56:30

in a flirty message? Oh, they

56:32

are flirty! They

56:34

are! You are encouraging him, if

56:37

I may say so. I signed

56:39

off my next one. I'll see

56:41

if I can sort snail popcorn.

56:44

Oh no, not that one. You've

56:47

got nuclear. Popcorn

56:49

emoji, sausage emoji, surprise

56:52

face emoji, cinnamon emoji. Nothing

56:54

phallic, thank you. What did he put

56:56

on his? A chicken what? He

56:59

put chicken ball of wool. I

57:01

put snail popcorn. We

57:04

don't know where that is. Ah,

57:08

Pip, this is incredible. What's happening? So a

57:10

chicken, what's the kind of a chicken? What's

57:12

the name for a chicken? I don't know.

57:14

Under what of wool? Like a ball. The

57:17

wool's quite sort of fur your hair in.

57:19

Oh, yeah. Chicken

57:21

and bulge. Oh, no, no. So when

57:23

are you going for your coffee? Signed

57:26

off, by the way, finally, helmet kiwi

57:29

fruit. Oh, no! Sorry, what? Who did

57:31

that? Sorry. Sorry. Who

57:34

put helmet kiwi fruit? Why

57:42

don't you reply, is there an emoji for

57:44

a divorce lawyer and half a house? James,

57:49

what's that you just put on the screen? It's

57:51

Dan Walker's Wikipedia page. Oh, what's it say?

57:54

He's a British journalist, newsreader. Oh, no. That's

57:56

5 News and Channel 5. Yeah. Channel Classic

57:58

FM. Dan Walker has rumoured to be in

58:00

a flirtatious relationship with Pippa Tarrant from Red

58:02

Lex. James, did you do that?

58:04

I did not do that. They often exchange flirty

58:07

emojis and texts. And that's

58:09

impossible. Because Toby's just watching as

58:11

well. Morning all. Toby, how much

58:13

thought did I put into those

58:15

emojis? Well, you know Pippa's the

58:18

most indecisive person in the world.

58:20

Yeah. I don't know what she's

58:22

told you, but yeah, at one

58:25

point she was like, I'm going

58:27

to send an umbrella. She goes,

58:29

oh, no, that's a big... and

58:32

I was like what phallus is

58:34

the view see yours yeah for

58:36

frog great when it's raining so

58:38

I have no idea what we're

58:41

about to play no this is

58:43

slight jeopardy let's do that here's

58:45

the first one Don't get snaked

58:48

and capped agh, pass it on.

58:50

Oh, OK. Don't get snaked and

58:52

capped agh, pass it on. Pass it on. Don't

58:54

get snaked and capped agh, pass it on. Don't

58:57

get snaked and capped pass it on. get

59:02

snaked and capped agh, pass it on. There you are.

59:04

Pass it on. That was such a thing, wasn't it?

59:06

It's cool. IDST.

59:09

Number three. Driving to work and I've

59:11

got a cold bum. It's very, very

59:14

cold and it's going numb. There you

59:16

are. That's good. nice. That's a

59:18

lovely tune. Oh yeah, I meant to say, can't guarantee

59:20

that they're all classics. I

59:22

quite enjoyed that one. Would you like a joke?

59:25

Yes. Here we go.

59:27

Here's the joke. What shoes do chickens

59:29

wear? Good question. What

59:31

shoes do chickens wear? What shoes do chickens

59:33

wear? And by the way, if this is

59:36

good, we could all use this today. Yeah.

59:38

What shoes do chickens wear? Anybody want to

59:40

throw in a thought? Shoes to chickens wear.

59:43

Something about feather shoes. That's

59:46

brilliant. What a gag writer. Feather

59:49

shoes! Another check for

59:52

a hundred dollars. Feather shoes.

59:54

Feather shoes. Let's

59:56

find out. Oh, oh

59:59

no. Ready? What shoes do

1:00:01

chickens wear? Rebug, bug,

1:00:03

bug, bug, bug. Ah, that's

1:00:05

nice. Better

1:00:07

than feather shoes. Good. That's really

1:00:10

good. That's good. Not as

1:00:12

good as feather shoes. feather shoes would have worked.

1:00:14

It's still good though. Dom gets

1:00:16

naked and cap dad, pass it on. Okay. He

1:00:19

sounds so dangerous that man. Pass

1:00:23

it on. Pass it

1:00:25

on. Pass on. Pass

1:00:28

it it on. on.

1:00:30

Pass it on. on.

1:00:32

on. on. Pass it

1:00:34

on. Pass it Pass

1:00:36

Fish. Why doesn't, what?

1:00:38

Feather shoes. Feather

1:00:41

shoes. Feather shoes. shoes. Feather

1:00:45

shoes. Feather Feather shoes.

1:00:47

shoes. shoes. Feather shoes. Feather shoes. Feather

1:00:50

shoes. Feather shoes. shoes.

1:00:52

Feather shoes. Feather shoes.

1:00:55

Feather shoes. Feather shoes.

1:00:57

Feather shoes. Feather shoes.

1:00:59

Feather shoes. Feather

1:01:03

shoes. Feather shoes. Because she's

1:01:05

a rocket man. That's

1:01:09

very good. Two jokes you've

1:01:11

got today at work, everybody. Oh,

1:01:14

that's also a good answer. Number one,

1:01:16

it's come in. Yeah, I saw that.

1:01:18

Cock Martins. Oh, right. That's good. What?

1:01:21

Go on, get his naked and capped dad classic on. So,

1:01:23

let me do it again. You do the

1:01:26

punch line, ready? Here we go. Cock

1:01:30

Martins. That doesn't make sense,

1:01:32

Finn. I get it. Right!

1:01:42

Yeah, I

1:01:44

didn't hear him say Babe Station. I thought

1:01:46

that was something else. Right.

1:01:53

Yeah, that's good. It's not. It's not good. It's

1:01:56

not good. It's sort of half there, isn't it?

1:01:58

No. Oh. It would never make it on air.

1:02:00

I don't think so. Anyway.

1:02:03

Dom gets naked and Cap -Dag pass it on. I

1:02:05

will pass it on, alright? Yeah, we're gonna pass it

1:02:08

on. Seriously, can we just leave it with that joke,

1:02:10

please? Dom likes blue movies, pass

1:02:12

it on. Oh, okay. Pass it on. You

1:02:14

make blue movies. I don't make. I don't

1:02:16

watch. Dom likes blue movies, pass it on.

1:02:18

Oh, no. We don't want

1:02:20

this being a thing, do we, Dom? Dom likes

1:02:22

blue movies. Pass it on. Dom gets naked and

1:02:25

capped. Dad, pass it on. Oh, you know, you

1:02:27

know, already. Yeah. Already. The pass it on has

1:02:29

got a tribute band. Come on, now. Give

1:02:32

it another month. There's going to be a segue

1:02:34

on the Christmas show. Two songs back to back,

1:02:36

and it will just be a whole load of

1:02:38

those to hit the vocal. Anyway,

1:02:40

it's very Dominic -heavy today because

1:02:42

we've got a limerick. Oh, now

1:02:45

I'd suggest a limerick, doesn't I?

1:02:47

Yeah. You might regret that. He

1:03:04

visited Hooters to stare at the Tooters' pretty cottage

1:03:06

and all dug a new drink. The use of

1:03:09

Tooters in there is great. It's

1:03:12

original. It's bold. I should really

1:03:14

just have lovely Tooters. It's got

1:03:17

a nice rhythm to them as well. A

1:03:19

little bit rushed. It could have taken his time a little bit.

1:03:22

But you know, thank you for the effort. It's

1:03:24

our first Tooters, I think we've ever had. Right,

1:03:26

enough of you. Thank you. Pippa. Hello. Oh, no.

1:03:29

Got you a little message. Come

1:03:31

on. Hello, Pippa. It's me, Danny Dyer.

1:03:34

I can't take you out for some

1:03:36

egg and chips. Oh, is that too

1:03:38

out? Egg and chips. Danny Dyer. a

1:03:40

bit what we're doing. Danny Dyer, yeah,

1:03:42

great. Egg and chips. Sure, I big.

1:03:44

Yeah. I love chips, too.

1:03:46

Hold on a second. We've

1:03:48

got another message for you. Yeah. Hello,

1:03:50

Pippa. Now. That's Danny

1:03:52

Dyer again. Well, have a listen.

1:03:55

Hello, Pippa. Little boy

1:03:57

here. Oh. Ben, is he a curry?

1:03:59

Oh, now. Now what are you going to

1:04:02

do? You've got Danny Dyer,

1:04:04

Regan Chips. You've got Delboy. He's

1:04:06

inviting you out for a curry. Can

1:04:08

I do both? I

1:04:11

mean, what a question. Can I eat both? Again,

1:04:13

what a question. Well,

1:04:16

it's up to you. It depends. Could you

1:04:18

handle both? Would you consume

1:04:20

both on the same night? I

1:04:24

think I'll spread it out a bit.

1:04:26

Yes, I think that would the worst

1:04:28

thing to do. So we'll say... Hello,

1:04:30

Pippa. It's me, Danny Dyer. Can

1:04:32

I take you out for some egg and chips? We'll

1:04:35

say that's tonight and then tomorrow...

1:04:37

Hello, Pippa. Deal, boy, yeah.

1:04:39

All right. There's your curry.

1:04:41

Now, do you think whoever did that, that's

1:04:43

the gag in their head that they thought

1:04:45

we'd do with it? Yeah. Or do you

1:04:47

think they thought the first one maybe didn't

1:04:49

send? Yeah,

1:04:51

they tried again. He's

1:04:54

done the Delboy one, and then we've played the Danny Dyer

1:04:56

one. He's like, oh no, they've got the Danny Dyer one.

1:04:58

What are they going to do? Ask them to. I'm going

1:05:00

to predict he's got another 20 lined up at some point.

1:05:02

Do you think? Yeah. Well,

1:05:05

anyway. Dom gets naked and cap dag, pass it on.

1:05:08

I will do. Dom likes blue

1:05:10

movies, pass it on. I will do. Let's

1:05:12

have another one. Chris. Oh! It's

1:05:16

for me. Oh, I don't know but

1:05:18

I hope they're inviting me out for

1:05:20

a curry. Chris. All rag

1:05:22

and chips. Chris. Yes, it's I'm here.

1:05:24

Yes. Guess who? Well,

1:05:29

they're not really giving me a lot of clues. Let

1:05:33

me hear it again. Chris. Guess

1:05:35

who? Is it Charlize Theron? I

1:05:38

don't know if it's Charlize. Margot Robbie. Makeda

1:05:42

Strakhan. Chris. Guess

1:05:44

who? Is it Belinda Carlyle?

1:05:47

Not sure. Guess who? That's not...

1:05:49

Guess who? Could be Belinda. Guess

1:05:51

who? Guess who, baby, do you

1:05:53

know? Yeah, it could be. Could

1:05:55

be. Well, let's listen. Chris!

1:05:58

Guess who? Roddy

1:06:01

Hell. It's not Adele.

1:06:04

It's the drummer from Shawadiwadi.

1:06:08

What? So the

1:06:10

drummer from Shawwadi Wadi there? Right. You've got

1:06:12

a really weird sense of humour, Captain. Did

1:06:14

you load that in because it was one

1:06:16

of the best? I

1:06:18

just wanted this reaction. Now, let's over

1:06:21

-analyze. Oh, no. Is he trying to

1:06:23

do Alan Partridge? I don't know, or...

1:06:25

And then he's realised that his Alan

1:06:28

Partridge impression is rubbish, so he's changed

1:06:30

it to the drummer from Shawwadi Wadi,

1:06:32

which is a band. Or...

1:06:36

Chris. Guess who?

1:06:39

Bloody hell, it's not Adele It's

1:06:41

the drummer from shawadi wadi right

1:06:43

can I ask yeah, do you

1:06:45

know the drummer from shawadi wadi?

1:06:47

I don't but I do now.

1:06:49

I know He's there. He's on

1:06:51

the line. Sorry, of course. Yeah,

1:06:53

it's the drummer from shawadi wadi

1:06:55

on the lion Chris. Hello there.

1:06:57

Good morning. Dom likes blue movies

1:07:00

pass it on. Okay. All right.

1:07:02

pass it on Right,

1:07:04

it's been 90 seconds since you've had

1:07:06

anything Dominic, so let's have something else

1:07:08

for you. I'm Dominic

1:07:10

Byrne, Radio X Essential News.

1:07:15

That's what you sound like to

1:07:17

some listeners. I'm Dominic

1:07:20

Byrne, Radio X Essential News.

1:07:23

No, he hasn't done,

1:07:25

the tongue work isn't right at the end of that.

1:07:27

How should it be? Oh, okay.

1:07:30

Well, you do the end bit.

1:07:32

I'm Dominic Byrne. Radio X, essential

1:07:35

news. There you are. Ladies

1:07:38

and gentlemen, grab

1:07:40

your popcorn, strap

1:07:42

yourselves in and enjoy the

1:07:45

time when Dominic's cleaner made

1:07:47

her debut on Radio X.

1:07:50

So you're now at home all alone. What's

1:07:52

the noise in the background? So

1:07:55

that's Veronica, our cleaner who's just

1:07:57

arrived. Are

1:07:59

you OK? Good. Would

1:08:02

you like Veronica to say hello quickly or not?

1:08:04

Sure. Why not? I'll have to go and find

1:08:06

her and then I'll come back. Okay, fine. Yeah.

1:08:08

Yeah. Yeah. All right. When Dominic tells her that

1:08:10

we're doing a radio show, we're just going to

1:08:13

stay quiet. Are you ready? Uh, Chris? Yeah? This

1:08:15

is Veronica. Hello. Hello.

1:08:21

He's not there. So,

1:08:25

I promise you that he was there, remember?

1:08:28

If he comes back in, I'll

1:08:30

call you. Okay, that's fine. Hello.

1:08:34

Hi. You little... She

1:08:36

looks at me, honestly, at

1:08:38

that moment, like I was

1:08:41

the strangest man in the

1:08:43

world. She's saying, now.

1:08:46

Hi, Veronica. Hello.

1:08:49

I'm sorry, Veronica. Hello.

1:08:53

Hello. I haven't

1:08:55

seen Veronica since. It's worth saying. I've not

1:08:57

seen you since, Veronica. Hello.

1:08:59

Hello to you. It's

1:09:02

the bit where he goes, he goes, oh, he's

1:09:04

not there. And you just hear him go, oh.

1:09:06

Yeah, I know. He's not there.

1:09:08

I twig what's happening to you. Oh. Oh.

1:09:13

Oh, Veronica, he's not there.

1:09:15

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:09:18

Oh. You just start

1:09:20

laughing, don't you? Hello! As soon

1:09:22

as I twig what you're doing, I can't stop

1:09:24

and I don't want to because essentially I'm just

1:09:26

laughing at Veronica at that point. Oh,

1:09:29

Veronica. Oh, dear. and

1:09:33

gentlemen, the lovely Veronica. Thank you,

1:09:35

Veronica. Hello. Hello. Hello.

1:09:38

Hello. Hello. Crazy

1:09:40

woman. Toy Fair and

1:09:42

then click on Toy Fair TV. Away you go.

1:09:44

They're currently looking at Bluey's list. Oh, Dom, I

1:09:47

told you there's something for everyone. You love a

1:09:49

bit of Bluey. something for everyone all under one

1:09:51

roof. Bluey's shopping list

1:09:53

game. Really? Yeah. Melons. Got,

1:09:55

got, got, got, got. Oh.

1:09:59

What does that mean? Oh. Sorry. Is

1:10:02

that a Bluey? Yeah. Is that episode of

1:10:04

Bluey? I mean, you're clever, because not only

1:10:06

is it Bluey, I know what I mean.

1:10:10

I told you they were talking about Bluey. It sounded

1:10:12

like me. That's live now, yeah. That's live now. Now,

1:10:16

you want me to text Gav and

1:10:18

just ask him if he can get

1:10:20

you a bit of Bluey stuff? No,

1:10:22

no, I'm fine for the Bluey. Skeletrics

1:10:25

would be nice. If you want, I

1:10:27

will text Gav and go, can you

1:10:29

get me some Bluey stuff for Dominic

1:10:31

Byrne? Is this still Bluey right now?

1:10:33

Yeah. But feel that. It's

1:10:37

a gift, isn't it? I'm just fading in

1:10:39

and out. It rises up. Just

1:10:41

feel that. OK. But

1:10:44

you're right. Look at the imagery.

1:10:46

It's just so cute. Look

1:10:49

at the imagery. They

1:10:51

are beautiful. Oh,

1:10:53

this is good. This is

1:10:55

Toy Fair TV. Yeah. Well,

1:10:58

I mean, you've got to stand in the heart right at the door. This

1:11:03

is the Chris Moyle Show

1:11:05

podcast. So

1:11:08

I read the note first before revealing what's in

1:11:10

Well, I haven't fully looked, but if it's what

1:11:12

I think it is, then it'll be worth it.

1:11:14

Alright. Quick

1:11:33

request, could you please take a photo of you

1:11:35

in them and put them on your Instagram page?

1:11:37

I haven't posted anything on my Instagram page. Think

1:11:40

of it as a low budget, only fans.

1:11:43

Cheers, bud. Long time

1:11:46

listener, third time writer, your

1:11:48

secret admirer, Brackett, sorry if that

1:11:50

sounds creepy. It does.

1:11:54

So, shall I open what they've sent in

1:11:56

now? Yeah

1:11:59

What lovely what they've said they've sense

1:12:01

I'm gonna say they've said slippers in

1:12:03

We had a photo of these on

1:12:06

the screen. I think it might made

1:12:08

a video, right? Yeah, it did and

1:12:10

it was a picture of the boob

1:12:12

slippers booby slippers and Who's bought them

1:12:15

for you a secret admirer? I'm just

1:12:17

gonna open it with the microphone off

1:12:19

because this Very lap. That is so

1:12:21

creepy though. So yeah, James found this

1:12:24

photo of these booby slippers. Put them

1:12:26

on the screen. Yeah. I

1:12:28

searched for Dom's slippers and that's what

1:12:30

showed up. And now, somebody's actually bought

1:12:32

a pair, which is Arjun. They're probably

1:12:35

from Dan Walker. That's what

1:12:37

I'm saying. Now, do you want

1:12:39

me to put them on and show you how? Oh, yes,

1:12:41

please. I, Dom,

1:12:43

before you do it, let me in the

1:12:45

eye. I bet you're going to go... They're

1:12:47

really comfy. I bet... They are actually creepy.

1:12:51

Can you imagine if I just turn up

1:12:53

at home? Everybody needs a bosom for the

1:12:55

slippers. If I just turn up at home,

1:12:57

prancing around the house in these. Oh

1:13:00

my. They could be our newsroom

1:13:02

slippers. It's like I'm constantly pointing

1:13:04

with, right. Which one of your

1:13:06

children would A, find that amazing

1:13:08

and B, which one

1:13:10

of your children would absolutely not find that

1:13:13

amazing? So, Zan is 19 now, believe it

1:13:15

or not. So she finds all this sort

1:13:17

of stuff funny because she's beyond the embarrassment.

1:13:19

Right. Tilly would be absolutely mortified. To

1:13:22

the point I could, next time I go to the

1:13:24

supermarket, I could wear them. And Finn? Oh,

1:13:27

Finn will find it hilarious. Right. Yeah,

1:13:30

he won't mind. Right, do want me to show you? Yeah,

1:13:32

let me have a come on stand behind me. OK. Don't

1:13:35

look until I show you. Right. I'm not going to

1:13:37

look until you say. Wow.

1:13:41

Yeah. That's something, isn't it? Yes.

1:13:45

That is... The ends are very

1:13:47

pink. Somebody

1:13:50

was asking if you could work on

1:13:52

your tippy toes. That's it. But they

1:13:54

changed that word. And

1:13:56

while we're taking a photograph, a few people

1:13:58

text in, but I'll read

1:14:00

out Emma's in Emma Endurance. She said,

1:14:03

if you're not hiding dumb shoes, I

1:14:05

will be disappointed. Now, Emma, genuinely,

1:14:07

this wasn't on my radar. I

1:14:10

was focused on the boob slippers.

1:14:13

and the wearing of. My shoes have been

1:14:15

stolen, Emma. I have no idea

1:14:17

where they are. And loads of people steal his shoes.

1:14:20

If you haven't stolen his shoes, I'll be disappointed. It's

1:14:22

done that stupid. Shoes have gone. He's

1:14:24

wearing the slippers for the rest the day. So

1:14:26

I'm going to be honest, it wasn't my idea.

1:14:29

No, I guarantee it was James Robinson because he

1:14:31

was. I can tell you, it was actually it

1:14:33

was James Robinson. Yes, James Robinson. It

1:14:36

was his idea. He may have had

1:14:38

an accomplice in this. Was it your

1:14:40

idea? Whose idea was it? It wasn't

1:14:42

mine. Whose was it? Well,

1:14:44

anyway, I wish you could have

1:14:46

heard the moment that Dom suddenly

1:14:48

realised. They really are

1:14:50

actually quite... Oh, you beep. Oh,

1:14:52

no, did I? Yeah, that's fine.

1:14:55

OK. We weren't recording anything. Oh,

1:14:57

good. Oh, no, sorry. Yes,

1:14:59

we were. Oh. Oh,

1:15:02

my God, this thing. Do

1:15:10

you know what? What? I'm too trusting,

1:15:12

aren't I? What? I'm

1:15:15

too trusting. What? My

1:15:18

train is your function. This

1:15:24

is the content Klaxon because someone in the

1:15:26

studio has some content for the show. It's

1:15:28

not me. I don't know. Clearly it's not

1:15:31

me. It's not me either. should tell by

1:15:33

this link. I'm busy talking to Jerry Cinnamon.

1:15:35

It's not me. Sorry, Jerry. We'll have to

1:15:37

come back to you. Who's got content for

1:15:40

the show? It's not

1:15:42

me. Wow. Oh, oh, oh,

1:15:44

there was a well. Oh, is it

1:15:46

Captain Krabby? Hello everyone. Hey The captain

1:15:48

has the content captain content. That's right.

1:15:50

It's an eight o 'clock hour. So

1:15:52

it must be Oh, this has got

1:15:54

me award -winning. Yeah, this is Ashley.

1:15:56

It might be time to make the

1:15:58

call to that award ceremony Oh big

1:16:00

time. This is when our listening figures

1:16:02

peak award -winning. This could be all

1:16:04

right. Talk to me. What do we

1:16:06

do? So I've got a part

1:16:08

one for you to play. Oh And

1:16:11

I'd like you to play

1:16:13

that now if you could.

1:16:15

Okay, part one. One of

1:16:17

the Chris Moyle show team

1:16:19

believes that they have stumbled

1:16:21

upon something great. This

1:16:24

show, as we all know

1:16:26

so well, is

1:16:28

filled to the brim with

1:16:30

mature, high -brow comedy. But

1:16:33

has there been something missing?

1:16:42

Sorry about that. It's not that

1:16:44

I'm afraid. There's something

1:16:46

that we're not utilizing and

1:16:48

there's maybe a sound or

1:16:50

something we don't have in

1:16:52

our arsenal. So I

1:16:54

found a sound effect that we're

1:16:56

not using and I'd like to

1:16:58

add to what we already have

1:17:00

because we're so great already. Let's

1:17:02

make it bigger. Better. You

1:17:05

found a sound effect. And you

1:17:07

want us to use it? Yes. Do you

1:17:09

think the sound effect... I genuinely hand on

1:17:12

heart on my kids' lives. I

1:17:14

don't have a kid. I don't kid. Not that I

1:17:16

know of. Do you find

1:17:18

the sound effect funny? Yes.

1:17:21

Do you think Pippa will find

1:17:23

it funny? Maybe.

1:17:25

Do you think James will find it funny? Probably.

1:17:28

Do you think Dom will find it funny? Sometimes.

1:17:31

Do you think I will find it

1:17:34

funny? I hope so. Do you think

1:17:36

the listeners will find it funny? Most

1:17:38

right, okay gosh how confident how did

1:17:41

you stumble across this noise? We

1:17:43

didn't have it Every time we

1:17:45

there was an opportunity to use it.

1:17:48

We didn't have it. Have I got

1:17:50

anything like it? Captain

1:17:53

crap beard wants

1:17:55

to introduce you

1:17:57

to the squeaker

1:18:06

You found a new fart. Look

1:18:09

at you. Look how happy you look. Yeah, I'm

1:18:11

really happy. The squeaker. The

1:18:13

squeaker. We don't have a squeaker.

1:18:15

We actually don't have a squeaker.

1:18:17

We don't have one. No. Have

1:18:20

you actually... The most comedy of all

1:18:22

farts. Have you researched this? Have you

1:18:24

double checked? We've got similar, but

1:18:26

there's brass to these other ones. This is

1:18:28

pure squeak. Alright, let me go through the

1:18:30

farts. Number one. Not a squeaker.

1:18:32

Number two. Not a squeaker. Number three.

1:18:35

Not a squeaker. Number four. Not

1:18:37

a squeaker. Number five. Number six. Number

1:18:40

seven. And number eight. Nine.

1:18:45

Ten. Eleven. 12,

1:18:47

paper hates. No. 13.

1:18:50

14. 15,

1:18:52

paper hates. 16.

1:18:56

17. 18. 19.

1:19:00

20. You're absolutely right.

1:19:02

We don't have a squeaker. We have

1:19:04

a 21st fart. We a 21st. Wow.

1:19:07

Where did you track down? Oh, one second.

1:19:09

Sorry. Oh, you're right. Sorry

1:19:11

about that. Can we all relate

1:19:13

to that one as well? A

1:19:15

little bit. What's up? Pippa

1:19:17

has to go. Pippa's leaving.

1:19:20

She's coughing too much. She's gone

1:19:22

out of the studio because she

1:19:24

probably needs... I don't want to

1:19:26

share too much, but early morning,

1:19:28

I can relate to that noise.

1:19:31

In the shower area. Can

1:19:35

I ask more questions? Yeah. Listen,

1:19:40

before everybody gets too overexcited, I need

1:19:42

to check it. Yeah, please

1:19:44

do. Obviously you put it in

1:19:46

Florence there. Can it work? Let

1:19:49

me just... I think

1:19:51

it's going to work.

1:19:53

It works. It does

1:19:55

work. It's got to

1:19:58

pass all the tests.

1:20:00

I think there's a

1:20:02

Jake bug. Now

1:20:05

let's try it on the beat. See

1:20:08

if this works. A

1:20:17

few people pointing out on the text,

1:20:20

it's not dissimilar to the beginning to

1:20:22

Johnny Briggs. Where else

1:20:24

do we put the... So, all I

1:20:26

need, Jake Bug. Yeah. I've put

1:20:28

a couple songs on your page. I've got

1:20:30

to find the bit where the fart goes now. Right.

1:20:40

It does work, actually, in the same key.

1:20:43

Artic Monkeys, did you say? Is that towards the end?

1:20:45

Towards the end, there's a real good one. Does

1:20:55

work. Does work. It's

1:20:57

inoffensive, isn't it? Now,

1:20:59

let's go to James

1:21:02

Robinson. Your favourite fart

1:21:04

is number eight. How

1:21:07

does that compare to...? It's

1:21:10

good. It's up there. Oh,

1:21:12

out there. Nothing beats eight

1:21:14

because it's short, it's sharp,

1:21:16

it's happy. Straight to the

1:21:18

point. Punch it. Punch

1:21:20

it. Oh,

1:21:25

no, that's nice. 8,

1:21:31

6 and 21. That's

1:21:33

where we live now. Well, thank you very

1:21:36

much. We now have 21 farts. We have

1:21:38

the new fart. The squeaker. I

1:21:40

love the way it just fades out at the end.

1:21:42

I think you've got to make the face as well,

1:21:44

so if you look straight down the barrel of the

1:21:47

camera. Yeah, you don't

1:21:49

want to know when it's going to finish. Oh,

1:21:51

it's done. Harry said it sounds shy. It

1:21:53

does. Come on, come on out, you. OK,

1:21:56

here I am. Someone says it

1:21:58

sounds like Dom's clean Veronica. I

1:22:01

can see the few people saying that. Hello.

1:22:04

Hello. Hello. Hello!

1:22:10

And that was your podcast for

1:22:12

this week. All the best bits,

1:22:14

done. Why do you know I

1:22:16

say all the best bits? We

1:22:18

still could have put more in.

1:22:20

Or more on if it was

1:22:22

James. That's

1:22:26

a really nice gag. T

1:22:28

-shirt wasn't it? You got me? Nope.

1:22:32

So, I've been rocking my brains

1:22:34

all the way through it. I've been sat here, listening

1:22:36

to the entire podcast. yeah. Cos we're now

1:22:38

at the end of the podcast. So it wasn't alcohol,

1:22:40

was it? It was late United thing, wasn't it? No.

1:22:42

It wasn't. I'm going to tell

1:22:44

you cos it was funny. Come on. Is

1:22:47

it Star Wars? No. It was quite a

1:22:49

background. It was a small gift. Clothing? not

1:22:51

a big thing. Cider? No. Was

1:22:53

it as good as like a cashmere scarf

1:22:55

or a late United home shirt? Oh, no,

1:22:57

God, no. I think I do know what

1:22:59

you got, Chris. Please help me. What was

1:23:01

it? Was it food? That's food. Ah! Can

1:23:04

you give me Tim Tams? No. This

1:23:07

is awful. This is awful. It's

1:23:10

okay. It's okay to do it.

1:23:12

A box of something left. Yes.

1:23:14

Milk tray. No. Oh, I

1:23:17

What was it? Just tell me!

1:23:19

It was a box of posh

1:23:21

truffle chocolates. Nice. This

1:23:24

is where you Thank

1:23:26

you very much. Of course, Captain.

1:23:29

Yes! Do you

1:23:31

remember opening them? No. Maybe they're

1:23:33

unopened somewhere. Maybe they are. So

1:23:35

here's the thing. I didn't

1:23:38

open any of the presents until Christmas day.

1:23:40

So what happened was we had everyone come

1:23:42

around two hours. So Tiff

1:23:44

and I did our own presents in the

1:23:46

morning and then did the shell cross. And

1:23:48

then I opened all the presents from you

1:23:51

guys and then everyone else turned up and

1:23:53

everything. So I had a bag of stuff

1:23:55

that I just shoved upstairs in my little

1:23:57

makeshift gym room. And it sat

1:23:59

there for a couple of weeks and then Tiff went and tidied

1:24:01

everything up the other day. So I wonder

1:24:04

if she's, if I hadn't actually opened them. Did

1:24:07

they have a certain monetary value? Oh,

1:24:36

yeah, truffle chocolates. Love them. I wouldn't want

1:24:38

them. But I don't remember. So I bet

1:24:40

I've not seen them. Are you sure you

1:24:42

gave them? Don't do this. Is

1:24:45

it still in your basket? Did you hit

1:24:47

check out? Did you really give them? Was

1:24:49

it wrapped? Yeah. And can you remember the

1:24:51

paper it was in? Was it brown paper

1:24:53

or nice brown paper? I think it was

1:24:55

like a reindeer, like a brown reindeer. Oh

1:24:57

lovely. Which is

1:25:00

my nickname when I'm online. I

1:25:04

tell you, I bet I find

1:25:06

that today and it's still unopened

1:25:08

in a bag somewhere. Well, happy

1:25:10

January. And then it's Tiff's fault. So

1:25:13

good luck having a problem with her.

1:25:15

Merry January, Christmas Eve. What

1:25:18

did I get for you for Christmas? Well,

1:25:21

that's ticket to Paul McCartney, really, wasn't it?

1:25:23

Yes, so shut your mouth. Right, thanks for

1:25:25

listening to the podcast. Keith,

1:25:27

you are a grateful kid. Yeah, Captain, that

1:25:29

is how read it. I'm switching you on

1:25:31

my part. Dom, you know what? You're right.

1:25:33

You're right, Dom. We're surrounded by ungrateful students.

1:25:36

Absolutely. what they are. Ungrateful

1:25:38

students. That's what they are. They really are, Chris.

1:25:40

Ungrateful students. When will they learn? Thank you for

1:25:42

listening. We'll see you next week, and Captain gets

1:25:44

to final word on the podcast. Bye -bye, everyone.

1:25:46

You are ungrateful. My

1:25:50

Australia man, straight to

1:25:52

the heart