0:13

Hello and welcome to the Chris Moyles

0:15

Show on Radio X podcast with me

0:17

Toby Tarrant instead of Chris Moyles. You

0:19

probably know how this works by now.

0:22

I've covered him a few times. I actually don't know

0:24

how many weeks but it feels like a lot. I

0:27

mean months if you put them all together. Yes.

0:29

A lot. So well that

0:31

was six weeks when he was in the jungle

0:33

for a start. Absolutely right. It's about eight or

0:35

nine weeks a year I think. I don't know

0:37

how basically I've probably covered him for about a

0:39

year in total. Anyway it's very nice to be

0:41

here. Thank you very much for listening. Now

0:44

it's a busy podcast and

0:46

also the shows were so busy this week that I

0:48

didn't even get round to my story about a shoplifter

0:50

who's not allowed to wear wigs anymore. Oh yeah you

0:52

talked about this on Friday didn't you? Any

0:55

guesses why the shoplifter can't wear wigs anymore? Whoo!

0:58

Um... He's not allowed to. Hiding

1:01

stuff in a wig. No but

1:03

you're on the right path. So you'd stick it

1:05

yeah. You know just like put like a pack

1:07

of jammie dodgers underneath your toupee. Exactly what I'm

1:09

thinking. No it's not that. Is it hiding your

1:11

face? Is it a bit of a skewers vision?

1:13

Yeah. It's softer. Yeah.

1:16

Basically she has a she's a

1:18

notorious shoplifter. Right. She

1:20

can't help herself right and she's

1:22

in Gloucester and she's

1:24

been banned from wearing wigs after

1:27

attempting to disguise herself whilst committing

1:29

thefts on numerous occasions. So

1:32

she was told by the criminal behavior order

1:34

she was issued a criminal behavior order at

1:36

the Cheltenor Magistrates Court early this month and

1:39

she's no longer allowed to

1:41

wear wigs around the city.

1:44

Really? Could I ask a question? Yes you

1:46

may. Why is she being banned from wearing

1:48

wigs and not banned from shoplifting? That's

1:52

a very good point. I think the shoplifting is

1:54

a given. And

1:56

the wigs just they've added they've gone right

1:59

we've tried everything. you know, this

2:02

prison isn't working, giving

2:04

you one of these orders isn't working, we're gonna have

2:06

to hit you where it hurts, we're taking your wig

2:08

collection, right? Now, one

2:10

of the very lovely things that

2:13

I liked about this is that

2:15

unfortunately, despite the fact that she's

2:18

been caught several times, it's

2:21

actually not her wig that's her

2:23

problem. Right. Although she tried

2:25

to get around the band by wearing a variety

2:27

of wigs, her distinctive neck tattoo meant she was

2:29

recognizable to shop staff in the city. That's

2:32

lovely. Honestly, she's got her whole neck is

2:34

covered in a tattoo. Just as I love

2:37

wigs. She

2:39

doesn't need a wig, she needs a turtleneck. That's

2:42

what she needs. Now, I was trying to

2:45

think of things, there's still ways to disguise

2:47

yourself, okay? Doesn't say anything

2:49

about shaving your head. No. Or

2:51

trying new hairstyles. No, that's true. She could dye her

2:53

hair. I mean, I shouldn't be giving a shoplifter advice.

2:56

I'm just saying, she seems pretty eager

2:59

to shoplift. And I would suggest

3:01

that she could dye her hair, shave her head. Now

3:04

hats. Oh yeah. Because

3:07

I was thinking, day one, again,

3:09

don't do this. Day one, you

3:11

go in there, you get some toilet rolls,

3:13

some spaghetti hoops, and you're wearing a fedora.

3:16

That's it. Right? Day two,

3:18

you go in, you get some custard cream,

3:20

some milk. Wearing one of those hats

3:22

that made out of fruit. That's good, yes. Do you

3:24

know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because

3:26

there's loads of hats. And surely,

3:29

there are loads. A never

3:31

true word's been spoken to. There are loads of

3:34

hats. There are loads of hats. So many hats.

3:36

There's so many hats. And I think that's so,

3:38

I'm not saying she should do this. No. But

3:41

if she was going to continue shoplifting, I'd

3:43

go, play around with your hair

3:45

first, then I'd explore the hat. That's it. Trill

3:49

bees. Yeah, trill bees, of

3:51

course. Stetsons. Stetsons. What's

3:54

a Stetson? Is that what cowboy hats? I think it's a

3:56

cowboy hat, yeah. I guess there is one problem here. Well,

4:00

the good news is, you know, well done. You've

4:02

stolen about 2000 pounds worth of goods this week.

4:04

The bad news is you spent 3000 pounds on

4:06

hats. And

4:09

it's only Cheltenham. Yes,

4:12

and she could also just go to another city.

4:14

She could go to Gloucester. And wear wigs till

4:16

her heart continues. Yeah, exactly. But anyway, don't do

4:18

that. No. Shoplifting is bad,

4:20

actually. Shoplifting is bad. You've always said

4:22

that. Absolutely. Now, we're

4:25

all amongst friends here. Go on. Have

4:28

you ever... I'm going

4:30

to say this, and

4:32

I'm going to say it with a heavy heart. On

4:34

Friday's show, so it's Friday today. You went shoplifting

4:36

on Friday, recently. No, no, no. We

4:39

were talking about shoot league ladders. Do

4:42

you remember that? On the show? Yeah,

4:44

the football magazine shoot. Football magazine and stuff. I

4:48

stole one from a news agent when

4:50

I was about nine. Oh, Dom. And

4:52

felt so guilty. I went back two days later

4:54

and put it back in a different magazine. Oh,

4:57

you stole just the league ladders? Just the league

4:59

ladders. Because I... yeah. I don't want the magazine.

5:02

Just the league ladders. Stole it two days later,

5:04

put it back in the magazine. You are scum.

5:08

Scum reformed. I

5:11

don't know why I held my fingers up when I said that. Scum

5:14

reformed, though. You are. You're not

5:17

one of those people that goes to prison for

5:19

a heinous crime, discovers God, comes out a whole

5:21

new man. I rehabilitated myself. Really? Essentially.

5:23

In two days, that's pretty good going. It's not bad.

5:26

Good lesson learned by a nine-year-old. Thank you. That

5:28

is good, actually. Did you tell your parents what

5:30

was going on? I think I did eventually tell

5:33

my mum afterwards. Really? And

5:35

she hit me. Not

5:38

a happy home life. Not really. I

5:40

mean, you did grow up a long time ago. Yeah, exactly. When

5:43

that sort of thing was... Yeah. A little... Part

5:46

of the course. Also, we're saying she didn't hit

5:48

me. No, we knew that. Okay. It's

5:50

worth saying. Definitely. Thank you, Harry. Good producing

5:52

there, Harry. Harry, have you ever treated yourself

5:54

to the old five-finger discount? I've been hit

5:56

by my mum. Well... I'm

5:58

sorry. Well,

6:02

oh now, in turn, pass in turn Becky on my

6:04

phone because she's nodding to the point where her neck's

6:06

gonna fall off. I had

6:08

a really similar experience to Dom. Did

6:10

you? Yeah but I didn't reform, I

6:13

actually got caught. Oh you got caught

6:15

shoplifting. When I was about 11 as well.

6:18

Oh you should know better by then. Dom learned by the age

6:20

of 9. This is the thing, my dad used

6:22

to be a paper boy at the shop. He

6:25

was a news agent. I was fighting

6:27

a discount in Mars

6:30

bars. You know the little go-go

6:32

toys you would collect and trade

6:34

at school. Oh wow, I think

6:36

we're getting an age gap here. Yeah so

6:38

that's like match attacks now type thing is

6:40

it? What's a go-go? Pogs? Somewhere in between

6:43

now and then. For the sake

6:45

of our listeners, could you just call them pogs

6:47

please? Pogs. Perfect. I was stealing pogs. Perfect, thank

6:49

you. Oh I can relate to this now. I'm

6:53

the news agent's new mad dad so they just

6:55

called my dad. Oh

6:58

no. Oh that was far too close. You're putting on your

7:00

own door step. You're putting on your dad's door step. You

7:02

shouldn't do that. No you shouldn't. Captain, I

7:05

reckon you stole it. I'm a bit

7:07

scared of authority. I

7:10

wouldn't dance near the devil like that. Really?

7:12

No, I'm a bit nervous by it. What

7:15

are we losing? Stolen nothing. Other

7:17

than a career. And

7:20

my mum's heart. Have you

7:22

stolen anything? You know

7:25

not dissimilar actually from Becky's story. The

7:27

news agent's with my sister did a

7:29

paper round run by a lovely old

7:31

couple. Oh that makes it worse, Tobes,

7:33

instantly. Not with us anymore. Well the

7:35

shot killed them. No they

7:38

caught me and I battered them. No. They

7:40

would have been about 110 by now. They

7:42

had a good run. You

7:45

didn't kill them. It's worth saying probably that

7:47

Dobbsbud didn't hit him and I could have

7:50

murdered the old owners of the news agents

7:52

on Esha High Street. Clarity is good. I

7:55

did used to go to the old pick

7:57

a mix so my mum would park

7:59

up outside. if I'd been well behaved, which was every

8:02

day. And I'd

8:04

go in there and she'd give me like, a

8:06

quid to fill up my pick and mix break.

8:08

And a quid, you didn't get much for

8:10

a quid. It's weight-based,

8:13

isn't it? You gotta be very careful with your heavy sweets.

8:15

So what I'd do is, and the pick and mix was

8:17

just out of sight of

8:19

them, or so I thought. So

8:21

I would open up the thing, I'm putting in, I

8:23

love a gummy bear, a couple of gummy bears, a

8:26

couple of blue dolphins, some fizzy cola bottles, I'm having

8:28

a good time. But I'm like, oh,

8:30

I'm probably at my power limit already. So I've

8:32

reached in and I grabbed a few gummy bears,

8:34

just chucked them in my mouth there and then

8:36

just ate them out of sight. Did you? Thing

8:39

is though, I didn't realize they've got one of them

8:41

bloody curved mirrors, haven't they? Oh, the curved

8:43

mirror. And I've heard them whispering, because they used to go in

8:45

every day and they really liked me as well. And I've heard

8:48

the wife go, I

8:50

think he's just eating some pick and mix.

8:52

Oh no. And I'm like, now I'm frozen

8:54

behind the pick and mix. Exactly. What

8:56

do you do? Chondry. Just stayed there for a bit.

8:58

Was like, this situation's not gonna get any better. So

9:01

I was bold as brass, just walked up, put my

9:03

pounds worth of pick and mix down and sugar all

9:05

around my mouth. Slap

9:08

them in the face and walked out. Yeah. Because

9:11

he was wired. Yeah, I was off my nut.

9:14

Thump to horse. Yeah, and then that was that. And I

9:17

was, just every day from then on when I went in,

9:19

I just felt they fought less of me. Yeah, well they

9:21

probably did. There's a lesson in there. Well, they would have

9:23

done, because I was a thief. And I murdered them. Yeah.

9:26

No, it was, so there was

9:28

a lesson in there. I felt really bad afterwards. I

9:31

think I got caught. Otherwise I would have been just

9:33

a bloke eating free gummy bears. Absolutely, yeah. But there's

9:35

a lesson in there somewhere. Anyway,

9:37

I went in the next day wearing a wig. And

9:39

we have got what we were doing. Oh,

9:43

that's where it came from. Well brought

9:45

back, Tres. Thank you very much. Thank

9:47

you. Right, so on the podcast, we

9:49

have got loads of guests. We've got

9:51

loads of guests. We have gone, I'm

9:53

gonna try and remember them all. Sandy Toxvig,

9:55

The Maccabees, Simon Rimmer, and Billy Crystal.

9:58

Yeah, what a list though. on

10:00

this podcast, god knows what else.

10:03

It will be as much of a shock to you as

10:05

it is to me. Thank you very much if you listen

10:07

this week. Thank you very much. Enjoy the podcast. Chris Myles

10:09

is back on Monday, but if you're listening to this in

10:12

the future, then who knows where

10:14

Chris is. Chris

10:17

Myles, radio man, strange in

10:19

your heart. So

10:29

earlier in the week, we were discussing this story

10:31

that about £300,000 worth of cheese had

10:36

been stolen. Well,

10:38

a 63 year old man has

10:40

now been arrested in

10:42

London and has been

10:44

taken into police custody. Now, would you

10:46

like to hear some of the jokes that

10:49

social media cracked as

10:51

a result? Of course of this? Yeah, I know

10:53

you would. Now, I was trying to

10:55

find some music. I've tried to

10:57

think of some music to play based on cheese.

10:59

I typed in cheese into our system here. And

11:02

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby have apparently got

11:04

a piece of production called 90s cheese. Shall

11:07

we all together find out how that goes? Okay.

11:20

Oh, yeah, I think this works perfectly. That

11:22

is what it says. Here's some

11:24

of the puns that were on social media. The

11:27

suspected cheese thief will now be subjected

11:29

to a thorough grilling by

11:32

greater Manchester police. Excellent.

11:36

Looks like another successful investigation by

11:38

Scotland Yarg. That's

11:42

more niche, isn't it? A little bit. When

11:45

Johnny Vaughn and I did pointless celebrities, and

11:47

we chose cheese as our specialist subject in

11:49

the final round. Oh, I bet the tilly

11:52

fared very well there. We went to niche.

11:55

I went Cornish Yarg was one of

11:57

my cheeses. In the end, Cottage and

11:59

Edam were pointless. Oh, e-damn. E-damn. That's

12:02

entry level cheese. Me and Johnny were naming

12:04

cheeses from all over the place. E-damn.

12:07

E-damn's level one. That is your gateway

12:09

cheese, isn't it? It is, yeah. It's

12:11

the cannabis of the cheese world. That's

12:13

right. He should have plotted his heist

12:15

more carefully. Carefully is very

12:18

good. And

12:20

finally, E-damn well ought to

12:22

be locked up. See,

12:25

it's in people's minds early on. Exactly,

12:28

e-damn. I was just discussing

12:30

the time that Johnny Vaughan and I were on Pointless

12:32

Celebrities. And the final

12:34

category we chose was cheese. And

12:37

I think that it was we

12:39

had to name a pointless cheese that

12:42

was voted in something like the top 50

12:46

British cheeses or something like that. OK.

12:50

Anyway, I went Cornish Yarg before. Hello. That's

12:52

a pretty niche. And that wasn't wrong answer.

12:54

That wasn't a top 50. But

12:56

Cottage and E-damn were pointless. How

12:59

is Cottage cheese pointless, actually? I

13:01

don't know. Johnny and I were trying to

13:03

be too clever. We ended up not

13:05

we got we won the trophy. We didn't

13:07

get the jackpot. This is the Chris Moyles

13:09

Show podcast. So

13:12

I was on my Hollybobs last week and

13:16

I'm trying to relax. I'm trying to unwind.

13:18

And I was trying to not really look at my phone.

13:20

But on about Wednesday, I opened

13:23

Twitter. Oh. And lots

13:26

of messages. Yeah. Lots

13:28

of messages. Something about Captain

13:31

Crapbeard being my new

13:33

dad. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it took

13:35

us by surprise last week. There was

13:37

a huge revelation because I haven't seen

13:39

you since you went away. So here's

13:42

from my point of view what happened. OK. I

13:46

did the unicorn pedalo challenge. We finished on the Friday.

13:48

We went to the pub. Yes. My

13:51

mom had a few vloggers. Oh, yes, she did. And

13:54

she said to Captain Crapbeard. No,

13:57

you said to my mom, oh, I've got holiday next week. I'd

13:59

like to. to go away for a few days. I've always wanted

14:01

to go to Norway. And my mum,

14:04

specifically Oslo, specifically, also my mum said,

14:06

you should stay in my flat. Yes. And

14:09

she actually hit me across the shoulder

14:12

backhanded me. She went, you

14:14

go to Oslo. Yeah, you must stay in

14:16

the family flat. Yes. I was shouting. And

14:19

so sure enough, we organized. Captain

14:23

went to my mum's flat. He

14:25

went to the mini mart across the road, where

14:28

Sultan works. And he had

14:32

the keys waiting. And you went you got the keys

14:34

and you stayed in my mum's flat. By the way,

14:36

how was Oslo? It is lovely. Isn't

14:38

it such a great place? Thank you to you and

14:40

the family as well. You're very, very welcome. I do

14:42

worry for security reasons. You've just told us the name

14:44

of the man who's holding the keys to your mum's

14:46

flat. He's

14:49

obviously not called that, is he? No.

14:51

He's called Steve. Yeah. Yeah. And it's

14:53

not over the road. Now it's in

14:55

Helsinki. Yeah,

14:58

this. Sorry, mom. I mean, I like

15:00

to think that he doesn't just give us a key. Like

15:03

we did give him a heads

15:05

up. Exactly. Yeah. I like to think he

15:07

doesn't just not willy nilly. Yeah. Otherwise, my

15:09

verify who I was, otherwise, mom has to

15:11

really start trusting someone else with the kiosk

15:13

for passports and stuff. Yeah. Otherwise, otherwise, he's

15:16

just a man handing out keys to a flat.

15:19

Maybe there needs to be a new plan. Anyway,

15:21

so you enjoyed yourself. I did. Yeah, I've actually

15:23

got something that's really gonna add some fire to

15:25

the fuel fuel. It doesn't

15:27

matter. I have a gift.

15:29

Oh, oh, oh, oh, this

15:32

is for your mother. Oh,

15:34

thank you gift. Oh, it's your pair

15:36

of leather trousers you left in her

15:38

bathroom. Yeah, that's lovely. Oh

15:41

my god, this is our idea of

15:43

heaven. Yeah. So it's vodka. Oh, yeah.

15:45

And yettast. Oh, what's

15:48

that yettast? What was

15:50

yettast brown goat cheese, the brown

15:52

goat cheese? Honestly, this stuff is

15:54

delicious. Is it? Oh my word.

15:56

I like goat cheese. I mean,

15:58

you can either keep the

16:00

cheese for yourself, Toves? It's gonna be painful

16:03

giving her this because I

16:05

want the yetest for myself. What? Just don't tell her.

16:07

Yeah, I just want you could just go vodka because

16:09

on the note, I've only made a comment about the

16:11

vodka. Oh, here we go. To Ingrid, thanks for letting

16:14

me use the Oslo flat. Sleeping in your bed. Sorry,

16:16

if the vodka is crap, Chris. And

16:19

then a kiss. Oh, hello. Yeah,

16:21

wow. Because I'm a classy guy. That's gonna add

16:24

a little fuel to the flame, I think, on

16:26

the joke, but I still had to, you know,

16:28

so then it was James Haskell, who's got the

16:30

ball rolling. Is that correct? It's the only thing

16:32

we talked about last week, pretty much. And

16:35

we feared for your reaction, obviously,

16:38

because you were busy playing water polo. You

16:40

were familiar with what was for my mum's

16:42

70th birthday. I hasten to add. I

16:45

couldn't make it. Capitalist slept in your mum's.

16:47

I'll tell you what, though, I'm glad I'm glad it was

16:49

that birthday, not last year. Morning,

16:54

Jay Comfort. Otherwise,

16:56

the jokes write themselves. Sorry,

16:59

so yeah, too easy. You feared for my

17:01

reaction. Well, yes, because, you know, captain

17:03

here, essentially. Yeah, slept in

17:05

my mum's bed. Is your stepdad. Yeah,

17:08

it's my new stepdad. If

17:11

I behave for the rest of the show,

17:13

can we get ice cream afterwards? Only

17:16

if you are good. Okay. Now

17:20

we are joined by the wonderful Mr.

17:22

Simon Rimmer is with us this morning.

17:25

Good morning, Simon. Good morning. What a

17:27

lovely intro. I've got to say, I'm

17:30

looking and learning that link then was

17:32

fantastic. Wasn't it good, Simon? Wasn't it?

17:34

Really, really. Thank

17:36

you. Thank you, Simon. Have

17:40

you ever done radio in the past, Simon? I feel like you must

17:42

have done at some point. Yeah, but you

17:44

know what? I love radio. I was saying to

17:46

you just before we came on, I always think

17:48

that Sunday Brunch, in many respects, has more in

17:50

common with a radio show than a TV show

17:52

a lot of the time, you know, because it's

17:54

quite laid back. It's a little bit

17:56

off the cuff. We forget sometimes that people

17:58

can see us. Yeah.

18:02

Well, that shows sometimes in the clothes that Tim

18:04

after he wears. He's

18:06

not here to defend himself. I like

18:08

his new big glasses, by the way,

18:10

do you? Yeah, you and his glasses

18:12

are huge, aren't they? He came in

18:14

about a month ago and was wearing

18:16

them. They look excellent. Yeah. They

18:18

suit him a lot. You've got some hefty glasses

18:21

on yourself, Simon, as well. Yeah, well, you know,

18:23

this is the thing I was saying to Tim,

18:25

because we both sort of started losing our ability

18:27

to see about the same time. I'm just a

18:30

little few steps behind him, but we've got the

18:32

same glasses. So basically, so Tim started off when

18:34

we worked together with her. He's now got no

18:36

hair and neither have I. Now

18:39

he's got the same glasses as me. So the cool part when I

18:41

need to wear a glass on her too, we're just going to look

18:43

like the two Ronnies. Is

18:48

that the stress of working with you, that Tim, because

18:50

he turned up with a lovely head of hair? Yeah,

18:53

and lovely hair. Yeah. Yeah. If

18:56

you want a really good, fun thing

18:58

to look at, and Tim loves it,

19:00

there's great pieces online when you said

19:03

dreadlocks, when he was really young. Really?

19:06

He was a good looking boy. He looks like he should have been

19:08

in Milli Vanilli. Right, yes. Wow. I'm

19:11

going to go and Google that immediately. Yeah, I'm sure

19:13

Tim will appreciate you bringing that to the wider public.

19:17

But you're here because you are Movember-ing. I

19:19

can see you've got the Movember t-shirt on.

19:23

If you don't know what it actually raises

19:25

awareness for, it raises awareness and funds for

19:27

men's mental health, including suicide prevention, also prostate

19:30

and testicular cancer, which 45% of the

19:32

UK have been affected by. So it's

19:34

a really wonderful message that it

19:36

gets across and really great awareness that it raises,

19:39

but also loads of people walk around stupid

19:41

with a mustache for a month. So everyone's

19:43

a winner, really. So Simon, talk

19:45

to me. So how did this first come about? So

19:48

I've sort of done the kind of sash growing thing

19:50

myself, and then this year they asked me if I'd

19:52

be up for being one of the ambassadors for this

19:54

year. Like you

19:56

eloquently said, the start, what it

19:59

covers, this... mental health, prostate cancer,

20:02

testicular cancer, the three sort of main

20:04

areas, and men, general health and wellbeing.

20:06

And it's a really, really great charity.

20:08

So I think it's about just

20:10

raising that awareness. And what I'm gonna, because I'm

20:12

always always like YouTube, I'm always like, you know,

20:14

I've always got a bit of facial hair. So

20:17

what I'm gonna do, what I'm aiming for, I'm gonna keep

20:19

this really, really tightly

20:21

shaped, my beard, and I'm gonna let the tash

20:24

grow over the course of a month, every week

20:26

I'm gonna get done. So I'm hoping by the

20:28

end of it, I'm going for

20:30

sort of long haired hamster, I'm thinking. That's

20:34

kind of the look I'm gonna go for. What's

20:36

gonna be lovely for viewers of Sunday Brunch is

20:38

we'll get a weekly update. Yeah, exactly. Because we

20:40

won't see you from Monday to Saturday, and then

20:42

you'll turn up on Sunday, and it will be

20:44

getting progressively better. So are you gonna, because I

20:46

was thinking, so there's different

20:48

ways of doing it. So some people

20:50

go clean shaven on the 1st of

20:52

November. Now, are you gonna do that?

20:55

No, it's a long time since I've been

20:57

clean shaven. I don't think I want to see that. So

20:59

no, I am gonna have my beard turned right away,

21:02

closer than I normally do, but not touch the tash,

21:04

and then watch around every week, and then by the

21:06

end of the month, I might end up keeping it.

21:09

Well, actually, don't you think tashes have come back

21:11

into fact? Hugely, I mean, look

21:13

at the Australian cricket team. I mean, every

21:15

single Australian cricketer's got a tash now. Yeah,

21:17

well, it's funny because I was thinking about

21:19

this, because a couple of things

21:22

you mentioned there. First of all, I

21:24

accidentally, I did the classic about a

21:26

year ago where I was trimming

21:28

my beard, and I've done the thing where I've

21:30

not put the guard back on, and I've shaved

21:32

straight up the middle, and I

21:34

haven't had not a beard for about 15 years, and

21:38

I hated it clean shape. My wife couldn't look

21:40

at me. She wasn't

21:42

looking at me with the beard either, but

21:44

we've been married a couple of years now, you know how it

21:46

gets. But then

21:48

part of me is like, it's a great

21:50

excuse to grow a tash and

21:52

find out if you like it. Because if you

21:54

look ridiculous, you can say it's for charity, but

21:56

if you like it, you can keep it. You

21:59

might be rocking it. and a tash in December,

22:01

Simon. This is it. Well, I actually started growing

22:03

my facial because Tim and I had a competition

22:05

on the show who could grow the best beard

22:07

in a month and I've never and I've

22:09

never gone clean shamed. And then that's probably about the same

22:11

as you about 15 years ago. So

22:13

I don't know. But I am looking forward to it.

22:15

I think people worry, I think, with fundraising. I've got

22:17

to do something, you know, I've got to walk up

22:20

Kilimanjaro backwards while shaving kind of thing. But

22:22

you don't. It can be anything. It doesn't have

22:24

to be huge. It's about saying, OK, let's raise

22:26

funds, let's raise awareness and just put money in

22:28

the coffers. So research and charity and care workers,

22:30

all that kind of stuff can happen, which, you

22:32

know, at the end of the day, is a

22:35

brilliant, brilliant charity. Yeah, it's so true. And you

22:37

know what? There'll be because obviously there'll be lots

22:39

of guys listening to this right now. Do

22:41

it this year. That those those

22:44

things are listed earlier on suicide prevention, prostate

22:47

and testicular cancer for men in particular. I mean,

22:49

those are the two real real killers, let's be

22:51

honest. Those are the two most dangerous killers of

22:53

men, certainly of a younger age. Yes,

22:56

I mean, 13 men a day commits

22:58

suicide in the UK. I'll

23:01

probably all of us would say the same

23:03

thing. We're rubbish at actually letting go and

23:06

expressing our feelings. Yeah. You know, and I think that

23:08

is a that is a real thing. I know I

23:11

am, you know, and I think in my mind I'm

23:13

better than it used to be. But I know I

23:15

bottle things up all the time. Yeah,

23:17

completely. Oh, there's you know, the stats

23:19

are too alarming to be a coincidence,

23:21

aren't they, that men are just notoriously

23:23

terrible at talking about things of

23:25

dealing with things like that, not bottling them up.

23:28

We try and be stiff up a lip and

23:30

strong and all of that. And we're very bad.

23:32

You know, I listened to my wife sometimes on

23:34

the phone of her friends and they're they're talking

23:36

about everything and it's a stereotype. Our women, you

23:38

know, gossiping, whatever. But I'm like, God,

23:41

me and my mates don't talk like that. No. About

23:43

the real stuff that's on our minds. We talk about

23:45

football and do you want to go to the pub?

23:47

We ignore it. It's a cliche, but it's a cliche

23:49

because it is true. Exactly that. It works like that.

23:51

So it's a really wonderful idea. It's so great that

23:53

you're getting involved, Simon, especially as it's it's

23:56

going to be quite apparent on your face

23:58

on Sunday brunch every Sunday. No, it's a good

24:00

thing. I am excited about that. I'm

24:02

genuinely, I'm genuinely excited. Now you must have done,

24:05

we've all done this, if anyone that can grow

24:07

a beard, when you

24:09

are shaving, you have a bit of

24:11

a play on the way down. So as you're shaving, you

24:13

check out, what would it look like

24:15

if I had a handlebar mustache or mutton chops

24:18

as you're shaving, right? Have you got any idea

24:20

if it's going to look any good? I

24:23

think, because what I'm thinking is, I think I'm

24:25

going to go sort of mix between 70s

24:29

footballer and Australian

24:31

cricketers you mentioned before, and

24:33

probably 70s adult movie

24:35

star. I think that's it. Oh yes. Guten

24:38

Tag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

24:40

think that's what I'm going to go for. Or

24:43

slightly dodgy cowboy. It's, I think that's

24:46

where I'm going. I'm not going to

24:48

go for sophisticated handlebar mustache. I'm going

24:50

to go dirty end. Yeah, right. That's

24:55

one of my favourite films from the 70s, actually, funny enough.

24:59

I was saying, Sunday brunch,

25:01

I love it. I put it on every Sunday.

25:03

I'm in my dressing gown with a coffee. And

25:06

I mean this of all the love and respect in the world.

25:08

It sort of shouldn't be as brilliant as it is. Bless

25:11

you. I'll take that.

25:13

It is weird, isn't it? You

25:16

know, we've been on it for 17 years. And

25:18

I actually can't believe it's on it. You know, we've

25:20

come off there. I

25:23

really can't in a very nice way, because

25:25

we come off and it is just a

25:27

proper laugh. The fact it's very laid back.

25:29

It doesn't take itself very seriously. And we

25:31

are just very lucky that we get amazing

25:34

guests doing stupid things. You know, we

25:36

have Keir Starmer on cooking salmon. Simon,

25:42

mate, bless you for doing the Movember campaign. It's

25:44

such a wonderful idea. It's such a wonderful cause.

25:46

And I look forward to tracking the progress of

25:48

your facial hair over the coming weeks. And I

25:50

shall see you up at Anfield

25:53

on Saturday. Yes, yes, definitely. All right,

25:55

mate, good to see you. Right, Simon

25:57

River, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks

25:59

a lot. is the Chris Moyles

26:01

Show podcast. Brave E.O.S. So

26:05

this is all new to me, by the way. So

26:08

this is James Haskell. So this is apparently how it all

26:10

sort of started. I thought you were talking about the fact

26:12

that he's with his mate's mum. No, no, no. We can

26:14

do that. That was

26:16

business. That was the first bit of business I needed

26:18

to address. Oh, is it? Paul Ligetica. I've never seen

26:20

it. Well, as a former rugby player, is it a

26:22

Paul Ligetica or are you like high five fella? It's

26:24

certain bits of play on, but, you know, going

26:27

around there and making them call you your daddy

26:29

is not allowed. Really? You're so right. So,

26:32

yeah, James Haskell. Why's he got involved? He

26:34

really dined out on the joke. He

26:37

loved it. He kept looking at me going, oh, yes,

26:39

you're sort of thing. He just kept getting involved. He

26:42

really wanted to sort of land the joke. He knows your

26:44

sort, doesn't he? I think that's what he was saying. Yeah.

26:46

Now I've got some clips in front of me, but I've

26:48

not heard any of these. This one just says, Gino good

26:50

soup. This is

26:52

a lovely, lovely quote from Gino de Campo, who

26:54

again was hats off to captain. No, it's three

26:56

and a half seconds long. Yeah. I can't imagine

26:59

what this is going to be. This

27:01

is kind of to do with the age

27:03

gap between the two. Okay. You know, with

27:05

captain and your mother. Right. I see. Remember

27:07

that you can make a good soup with

27:09

an old chicken. No

27:13

one saw that coming. No

27:16

one saw that. Was that directly about

27:18

captain? Absolutely. I've never had more eye

27:20

contact with someone. Whilst he

27:22

said that, whilst he said this. Remember that

27:24

you can make a good soup with an

27:26

old chicken. He

27:29

was doing the Italian little gesture with his face. It

27:32

was. Oh,

27:35

it was lovely. Now we all just

27:37

corpse at that moment. Yeah, it was

27:39

beautiful. We couldn't control the amount of

27:41

laughter we all had. It's super fiddle.

27:44

I'm sure mum will appreciate being called an old chicken. Now

27:48

this one just says, Ingrid's lover

27:50

Phil Collins. So yes, song parody

27:52

Joe that is often sends

27:55

in message to the Chris Miles show to us.

27:57

He has made a couple songs. happier

28:00

by the way because there's so much

28:02

content. Really? Oh well I'm Liddy. So

28:04

this is apparently is Ingrid's lover Phil

28:06

Collins. I hope mum's asleep and

28:09

not listening. I was hoping that

28:11

all last week. Yeah. And forever and for the rest of time.

28:13

Well you know you're in bed with her. This

28:37

is a song about my mother sleeping

28:40

with Captain Krabby. It's awful isn't it?

28:43

Terrible stuff. Terrible business. So

28:48

that's sort of the

28:50

next, that's the key

28:53

takeaway of that. It

28:55

was like an early holiday

29:05

last week didn't you? I think Wednesday is

29:07

the best. By halfway through Monday I was

29:09

miserable. Have you got anything you want to

29:11

say for yourself? Do you want to apologize?

29:14

No no I want to go home really.

29:16

That's what I want to say. Back to

29:18

mine. Back to the satin

29:21

sheets. Well

29:24

do you know what? My mum ever

29:26

since she divorced my dad hasn't moved on

29:28

and I'm glad she's found someone. I'll be

29:30

honest I

29:33

thought she'd do better but if

29:36

you are to be my new dad then so

29:38

be it. Ladies

29:42

and gentlemen we have got Billy Crystal. Thank

29:46

you. Thank you. Nice to be here. Good morning.

29:48

Very lovely to have you sir because I'll

29:50

be honest sometimes at Radio X the guests we

29:52

get are frankly crap. We don't

29:55

but this is a really good one.

29:57

This is high end crap. No you're

29:59

not. It's

30:01

an absolute honor to have you here and forgive

30:04

me for this but we were chatting

30:07

earlier and we were saying we just

30:09

assumed Billy Crystal was a stage name.

30:11

No, no. Because it's such a magnificently

30:14

Hollywood name but you were born Billy

30:16

Crystal. William Edward. William Edward

30:18

Crystal. That's even better in a way. Yeah.

30:21

Because I feel like there's that

30:24

idea that if you have a great name you'll go on

30:26

to do great things because you were never going to go

30:28

hungry with a name like Billy Crystal. I

30:31

was never really sometimes comfortable

30:34

with my name. Really? Yeah,

30:36

the Billy part. Right. I'm older

30:38

now so the Billy's, you know, more

30:40

of a more Bill now to friends and

30:43

I like that. Sometimes

30:45

when I was Billy I wouldn't turn around because

30:47

I was I wanted to be like a Tim

30:49

or a Skip. Skip

30:52

would be good. Skip, right? That's

30:54

a good name. Strong name, Skip, isn't it? But

30:56

the family name is what it is all the

30:58

way back. Yeah. Hundreds of

31:00

years. Really? Yeah, to Russia. I

31:03

love the idea of you not turning around to the

31:05

name Billy. I didn't like it. It felt like a

31:07

little kid's name. I do know it's a young person's

31:10

name. And then, you know,

31:12

when I was first doing television my

31:15

manager said it should be Bill. It

31:17

should be Bill. So on the first

31:19

TV shows it was Bill and

31:22

then they said let's put the

31:24

Y back. So

31:27

you've got an identity complex at this point. Yeah. I

31:29

don't know who you are. Yeah. Well,

31:32

I suppose that maybe it's time to

31:35

revisit the idea of William Crystal because

31:37

I think Billy Crystal is quite a

31:39

good comedic name. It's a good, no,

31:41

it's served me well. You've

31:43

done all right off it. But I had

31:45

a when I was playing high school basketball

31:48

and baseball, same coach

31:50

used to call me Willie. And

31:53

I really liked that. Actually,

31:56

the times I've been with,

31:59

I'm going to drop a name, but he

32:01

calls me Willie's, Jack Nicholson. Oh, there it is. Hey,

32:03

if you're going to drop a name, make it a

32:05

good one. That's very good. And so he calls you

32:07

Willie. I think

32:09

calling a baseball player Willie Crystal makes sense because you

32:11

can imagine there was a great baseball player in the

32:14

1930s called Willie Crystal. Absolutely, yes. I

32:17

can absolutely imagine that. Well, we're

32:19

here to talk to you about before. For

32:21

me, it's such a different world, this

32:23

world of psychodrama, thriller

32:26

and amazing relationship

32:29

with this kid who's played

32:31

by a wonderful young British actor named Jack

32:33

and Bee Joop. And

32:37

it's not really

32:39

horror, but it's tense and

32:42

scary. And it's a

32:44

world I never thought I would live in, but now

32:46

I just love that we were able to make

32:48

this. I was thinking, I had

32:50

a scroll for your IMDB and I was looking

32:52

at it. And now, have you ever done anything

32:55

even remotely close to this before? Yeah,

32:59

no, it's so bad. I

33:03

think we should name and shame, do you think? It

33:07

was sort of a show

33:09

like The Twilight Zone, an analogy,

33:11

two episodes for the half hour.

33:14

Okay. And it was on

33:16

ABC television and it was

33:18

called Darkroom. Right, okay,

33:20

Darkroom. Everyone Googles Darkroom. Oh my

33:22

God. And I played a downbeat

33:26

kind of messenger

33:29

with a limp, sort of a Razzo Rizzo

33:31

kind of character. I end up with his

33:33

makeup kit and he told me that the

33:35

makeup was magical, that if you put it

33:38

on, you would become who you

33:41

wanted to play, would actually transform you. So

33:44

he's been taking advantage of me and this

33:46

gangster and I have to fight back so

33:49

I see the makeup kit and I put

33:52

it on and I become like

33:54

this incredible Hulk character. I

33:56

see pictures of it, I still laugh going,

33:58

what was I thinking? Yeah,

34:01

so that was as close as I got. Was that

34:03

more of a skip role than a Billy role? Yeah,

34:06

that could be. Because people go,

34:08

skip, why'd you do that? What were

34:11

your thinking, skip? You're

34:14

absolutely brilliant in it. So obviously the first

34:16

episode so far, you're absolutely brilliant in it.

34:18

Now, how does that come about? Did, because

34:20

you're Billy Crystal, right? He's one of the

34:22

creators of the show. I said, oh, so

34:24

you... Yeah, so when it's... But

34:26

I hadn't intended to play him. I

34:29

was really loving co-creating and

34:31

writing it. In the

34:33

interim, my son-in-law asked me for, is

34:36

there a good book for my grandson who

34:39

at the time was like 13 to read

34:41

something different? So

34:43

I told him about this book I read when I was

34:45

in seventh grade called

34:47

The Search for Bridie Murphy. And if

34:49

you remember this story, she was a

34:52

28 year old woman who under hypnosis

34:54

talked about her life as this woman, Bridie Murphy

34:56

in Ireland 200 years prior. And

35:00

when they did the research afterwards, it

35:02

all panned out. Everything she talked about

35:04

was true. How would she know this?

35:06

So it was really spectacular. So

35:09

he said, this is crazy. I've

35:11

done research into kids with past lives.

35:14

Here's this book by this researcher

35:16

I work with. It's called Life Before Life

35:18

and just read it. It's fascinating stuff. So

35:21

one day in a writing meeting, we

35:23

weren't getting anywhere. So I said to Eric, wait a

35:25

second. What if he's not 100? What

35:28

if he's eight? And

35:30

he still has these memories. That's

35:32

a mystery. That could be really cool.

35:35

And that was Howard. And he said, no, this

35:37

is Ari. We got the idea of something. There's

35:40

a woman I know, a fabulous writer named

35:42

Sarah Thorpe who could write the out

35:45

of this. And two weeks

35:47

later, she came in with a scenario of Dr.

35:50

Eli Adler working with this feral

35:52

young boy who just shows up out of the

35:54

blue, mostly mute. So

35:56

when I start taking him on as a patient,

35:58

I get him to do it. to draw what

36:01

he's expressing. And so I then

36:03

said, all right, stop. I

36:05

wanna play him. And it was just

36:07

off what she was saying. I hadn't really intended to do

36:09

it. And then I was on Broadway

36:11

at the time when we got a go ahead

36:13

to do it for Apple. I

36:16

was doing a musical of Mr. Saturday

36:18

Night and I was having the greatest time. But

36:20

my one day off was Mondays. And

36:22

on Monday, Sarah would send me drafts

36:24

of scripts

36:27

or ideas for things. And I'm reading what,

36:30

this is unbelievable. I

36:32

can't wait for the show to close so I can do this.

36:36

And it was spectacular. It's a world,

36:38

and since Darkroom, I didn't have

36:40

a chance to attend. That's

36:42

wonderful. But I have to ask you about some

36:44

of your magical films that you did. If we

36:46

had more time, I'd talk about Monsters Inc. for

36:48

hours because I love that film so much. Well,

36:51

I just absolutely adore that film because animated films,

36:53

they have a weird way of, I don't know

36:55

why, animated films are somehow get me more choked

36:57

up than non-animated

36:59

films. Usually done by Pixar.

37:02

Yeah, that bit at the end. I

37:04

think this was their second film. Yeah.

37:08

Toy Story was the first. Interestingly

37:10

enough, I was a John

37:13

Lasseter who created Pixar and the whole form

37:15

and that kind of animation had

37:18

come to me to play Buzz Lightyear.

37:20

I ended up not doing it. And it wasn't

37:22

because I didn't think it was good. I didn't

37:24

think when I was the right voice for it.

37:26

But Tim Allen was the perfect voice for it.

37:29

Anyway, a couple of

37:31

years later, phone rings and my

37:33

secretary says, John Lasseter's

37:35

on your line. I said, oh God, hello

37:39

John, whatever it is, yes. And

37:42

he goes, no, he said, listen, I have something I

37:44

think you're gonna really love. I'd love to

37:46

talk to you about it. I said, anytime. And he brought, he

37:48

had a case and he opened a case

37:50

and there was this statue, a

37:54

figurine of Mike. And

37:57

said, this is calling

37:59

a microz And he then told me

38:01

the concept for Monces Inc. I

38:04

said, I love this. I

38:06

signed on and he said, but I

38:08

want to show you something. I

38:11

said, what is it? He said, we did a

38:14

screen test for you as Buzz. And

38:17

I said, he popped in a half inch cassette and

38:20

there's Buzz. And

38:24

they took a speech from when Harry met Sally.

38:28

Where he gets mad at his friends

38:30

because he's just seen his wife. And

38:32

he says, someday everyone's in love and

38:34

that's great. But someday you're going to

38:37

go 15 rounds over who

38:39

gets this wagon wheel coffee table. And

38:42

then it cuts out wide and I'm standing

38:44

under a coffee table. This stupid wagon wheel

38:46

coffee table. And he walks off and

38:49

then you hear Bruno's voice say, I thought you

38:51

liked it. And with his face mask up, he

38:53

goes, I was being nice. And the face

38:55

mask fell down and he

38:57

walked off. So you screened him so you didn't

38:59

even know about it. I didn't even know about it. That's amazing.

39:02

Do you know, I think it worked out perfectly because Timon is

39:04

so great as Buzz in your so great. Mike lives on. And

39:08

when my grandkids were little they

39:11

didn't really know what I did. They

39:14

were able to see Monces Inc. And

39:16

then they started calling the house and I

39:18

would answer and they go, is Mike there? So

39:21

I'd have to talk to them as Mike. But

39:24

now they see, you know, they've seen Harry and

39:26

Sally and I don't know what they are. Are

39:28

they on there? Yeah. It

39:32

has been an absolute honor to meet you Billy

39:34

Crystal. Please come back and see us anytime at

39:36

Radio 8. And we'll call you wherever you'd

39:38

like us to call you in the future. Skip. Thank

39:41

you, Skip. The Chris Moyles Show podcast.

39:44

Crazy. We're

39:46

about to do a feature. And I don't know how it

39:48

works and producer Harry's left the studio. So I don't really know

39:50

what to do. Oh, he's coming in with a

39:52

birthday cake. Oh. Some

39:56

surprises aren't well carried as

39:58

others. It's quite hard to sneak. of a birthday

40:00

cake Harry when there's a huge glass window there and

40:03

I just watched you go past with a birthday

40:05

cake. Happy

40:08

birthday to you. What

40:10

a surprise thank you.

40:12

Happy birthday to you.

40:14

Calm down. Happy birthday

40:16

to you. See your

40:18

heart into it Dom,

40:20

you have to worry

40:23

about the fire alarm.

40:25

Happy birthday to you.

40:28

Happy birthday mate. Thank you very good. Who made

40:30

this? Me of course. Did you? Yeah

40:35

did you Harry? It's a Guinness cake. It's a Guinness

40:37

cake look it's got a pint of Guinness on it

40:39

and then it says Guinness cake. It

40:43

says cake. A card from someone.

40:45

Now oh that's nice. Oh what

40:47

does this say? It says sun

40:49

on it. S-O-N. That's lovely. So

40:52

either this is from you Captain

40:54

Kratbeard my new dad or this

40:56

is actually not for me and

40:59

it's for Son Hyng-Win who plays

41:01

the Tottenham. Oh

41:03

that's very sweet huge card massive card

41:05

of the dinosaur and it says for

41:08

a special sun on your birthday. Oh

41:10

that is a lovely gift. Sending rip-roaring

41:12

romping stomping birthday wishes. And then

41:15

when you open it up now I

41:17

was told that a few of us will be signing

41:20

this. That's

41:22

really funny. That's

41:24

really funny. That's

41:28

really good. And so

41:30

did you sign it first? Thinking everyone

41:32

was going to sign it. That's lovely.

41:34

Right I need to describe for the

41:36

listeners at home. I've got this massive

41:38

card right it's like it's like an

41:40

A2 and it says for a special

41:42

sun on your birthday it's got a dinosaur on the front wearing

41:44

a birthday hat. Sending rip-roaring romping stomping

41:46

birthday wishes. When you open it up a

41:49

dinosaur pops out. It says happy birthday

41:52

but only one person signed it and

41:54

that's dear Toby we wish you a

41:56

great day. Love from Captain but also

41:58

dad crossed out. But

42:01

then, so what you signed it and everyone said they were going

42:03

to sign it. Well, yeah, there was

42:05

a card in the other studio. So I

42:07

signed it before we started the show thinking,

42:09

you know, Don might run outside and Harry

42:11

might sign it. Becky, I might sign it.

42:13

So funny. Phoenix working. Our videos might sign

42:16

it. Yeah, I signed it really small. Yeah,

42:18

also because you left space for everyone else

42:20

to sign it. We

42:23

need to make sure nobody else writes in that

42:26

car. No, because that's lovely. Absolutely not. You know,

42:28

that's my favorite birthday card I've ever received. Talking

42:34

a big time, you know, Chris and I have

42:36

this long running mystery

42:38

with Taron Edgerton. No, it's not

42:40

mystery. He didn't like you because you were both weird to

42:42

him. No, we weren't, though. I've

42:45

seen the video, Dom. We may have been a

42:47

little bit weird, but anyway, so we haven't heard

42:49

from him for about four or five years. Yeah.

42:51

The other day I was phoning you. Yes.

42:54

On from the car. Hey,

42:56

Siri, phone Toby Tarrant. And it's

42:58

taken its phone. Taron. No. Now

43:02

Taron's number doesn't exist anymore. Or the number I

43:04

have for Taron's. He's blocked you. He's blocked you.

43:06

Yeah. Now this is the question I was going

43:08

to ask. Has he blocked me or has he

43:10

changed his number? Well, I'll call him now because

43:12

we're good mates. OK. No, genuinely, I don't know.

43:14

Yeah, I don't know. Dom, I'm going

43:16

to block you and you need to call

43:18

me. What have I done? I'm

43:21

going to block your number. Right. OK. I will unblock

43:23

you later. OK. Yeah, block Dom now. And then see

43:25

what message you get. No, you have to call. Sorry.

43:27

Call Chris. Oh, I see. I see

43:29

if you get the same message you get

43:31

when you call Taron Edgerton. Oh, it's so

43:33

confusing. You're now blocked. You are. OK. Consider

43:35

yourself blocked. OK, I'm going to phone you

43:37

now, captain. Yeah. Despite the fact I'm blocked.

43:42

Welcome to the O2 message. No, see, I

43:44

didn't get that. I got this

43:46

number doesn't exist. Loser. Oh,

43:48

so that's reassuring. So

43:51

maybe has genuinely changed number. Well, that's good.

43:54

That's a good thing, then. When you isn't

43:57

a bit weird, you can still leave a message

43:59

like that. If you block someone,

44:01

surely you just don't want to... Maybe it doesn't

44:03

go through. Maybe they just... You think you've left

44:05

a message. Yeah, possibly. Oh, that'd be... Right,

44:08

leave a message. I was going to say leave a

44:10

message, but I've made this mistake on air before. I

44:12

once gave out a listener's entire phone number on air.

44:15

Don't do it. Because she goes... Well,

44:17

she goes, you're through to the O2 voicemail

44:19

4, and then sometimes they say the whole

44:21

mobile number. Yeah, yeah, yeah, true. So don't

44:23

leave. I think mine will say that. Yeah.

44:26

So what we're taking for this, I think, is I'm

44:28

fine. Taron's fine with me. He's just changed his number.

44:30

Well, there's a couple of ways of looking at it.

44:32

There is the option that he has changed his number.

44:34

Thank you. Let's take that one. Because

44:37

he has become very, very famous in recent years since Rocket Man. Maybe

44:39

he wanted to just start afresh. This was just

44:42

about pre-Rocket Man, I think, that we went out for something to

44:44

eat. And he was the ease of it. There

44:46

is the second option that you and Chris

44:48

creeped him out so much that he changed

44:51

his phone number. Right. So that

44:53

you could never contact him again. So

44:55

it depends how you look at it. And I'll leave that with you.

44:57

I'm not taking a side there. I'm just saying I'll leave that with

44:59

you. He's either changed his number to get

45:01

away from everyone or specifically you. Have

45:03

you seen the messages? So it's

45:05

all me. Oh, now let's count

45:08

these. Let's count these. Terrible, isn't it? So

45:10

the last time he replied to me was

45:12

the 13th of March, actually. This

45:16

year? Pre-pandemic-less,

45:19

we forget. The

45:21

world has changed so much. In many ways.

45:24

But one constant is that Taryn Edgerton

45:26

still doesn't like you. What did

45:28

you do? Chris was doing the magic trick

45:30

with the napkin and I was filming it. Yeah. Oh,

45:33

well, you think you're doing all he likes you? Chris

45:35

was, yeah. Chris was doing all he likes you. You

45:39

always make it sound out like Chris is the problem. Chris always

45:41

makes it out like you creeped him out. Chris

45:44

always says it's I'm the problem because I'm

45:46

filming it. Going, oh, Taryn, Taryn, Taryn. Chris

45:48

is at that point doing a napkin trick

45:50

with a, you know, I won't say what

45:53

the napkin trick is, but if you know, you know, to

45:55

Taryn go, he likes you, he likes you.

45:57

Yes. You be the judge. Well, I

45:59

think. both equally annoying and

46:02

I completely understand the decision to, you know,

46:04

you and I would have so much deleted

46:06

his whole number. That's quite impressive. He has.

46:10

The Chris Moyles Show podcast.

46:15

Yes, the Maccabees announced yesterday they are

46:17

getting the band back together and I'm

46:19

delighted to say that Felix and Hugo

46:21

White are in the studio with us

46:23

this morning. That was

46:26

really nice watching you two listen to that montage

46:28

of songs. You were both looking at each other

46:30

going, oh, we made some bangers, didn't we? We were great

46:32

back in the day. Yeah, I think there was something. Do you

46:34

remember any of that music? It's

46:36

amazing to hear it again, actually, because there

46:38

was there was such a time after the

46:40

band ended where it was like just

46:43

kind of getting so far away from it.

46:45

And now we're kind of back at a

46:47

time where we can start opening that up

46:50

again. Yeah, I've known this is

46:52

happening for like for obviously like a few

46:54

months. So I've had that thing of like,

46:56

you know, when you go out drinking and

46:58

you like on a bus or something and

47:00

you're going away home and think, I just

47:02

listened to Maccabees. I've been listening to Maccabees

47:04

records like a little bit like on night

47:06

buses and stuff. I love thinking, oh, actually,

47:08

it's good, isn't it? If somebody if

47:10

I was on the bus and I saw Felix

47:12

White and I walked past him and he's

47:14

listening to the Maccabees, this guy's an egomaniac.

47:16

Yeah, he's a narcissist. I lived in fear

47:18

about someone saying what you're listening to. Yeah,

47:20

LCD sounds or something. Do

47:24

you say do you listen to your own show, Toby?

47:26

God, no, I don't like them when they're happening. I

47:28

don't like it now. Headphones

47:30

are turning way down. He

47:32

used to be even now. He's got a

47:34

capital on him there. Do you know what we have to do

47:36

with a thing called a Snoop every now and then? About once

47:38

a month, I have to go and sit with

47:41

our boss in the office and he plays you

47:43

back. Your own voice. And it's horrendous. Yeah.

47:45

It's horrendous. Your own voice. I think Land

47:47

has that from Maccabees more because it is

47:49

his voice singing. We just get to hear

47:52

our guitars. Yeah, it's painful. Well,

47:56

anyway, look, I'm very, very excited and lots of

47:58

our listeners are very, very excited as well. So

48:00

first of all, talk to me about it, because this is a very cool

48:02

story. So Hugo, basically you're entirely to

48:05

thank because it was your wedding that's caused

48:07

all of this. Is that correct? To a

48:09

degree. I mean, it was it was the

48:11

first time. So probably was

48:13

four years after we'd split up the band.

48:15

And it was, you know, it was definitely

48:17

we weren't going to do anything ever again.

48:19

That was, you know, we had to do

48:21

that in order to move on. And

48:24

I think, yeah, my wedding,

48:26

we had a lineup of people that were going

48:28

to play. And we had like hired out pub

48:30

and had, you know, the stage set

48:32

up and stuff. And he asked, I

48:34

thought we should end the night with the Maccabees. We

48:37

should do it. And I

48:39

asked, you know, asking Orlando was the

48:41

big one where I was like, I don't think

48:43

he's going to do that, even for my wedding.

48:45

But it was, you know, but he did. And he

48:47

came along and we did. And

48:49

we did Maccabees again. Yes, we played

48:52

as a Maccabees to Hugo's wedding, like

48:54

family. Oh, I love that. Great. That

48:57

is so cool. Also, because there's always

48:59

a couple of people at weddings that have got

49:01

no right to be there, right, because you're like

49:03

plus one. They've got they

49:06

do not. Luckily, they are. Yeah. How do

49:08

you know Hugo? Don't really know. I'm just

49:10

here with my girlfriend. But I've just got

49:12

Maccabees gig for free. Yeah. What result? Now,

49:14

when you say that you had a few

49:16

people playing, it was quite a good lineup,

49:18

wasn't it? We had. Yeah, it was. I

49:20

mean, it was gone for you to really

49:22

off. And in which order? This

49:24

is a that way. I started with a

49:26

Beatles covers band. Yeah, the Beatles was the

49:29

first one. Then it was us and Jack.

49:31

A venison Jamie T venison

49:33

Florence Welch and venison

49:35

Adele. We did rolling

49:37

in the deep and

49:39

then because she goes wedding, he was

49:42

doing a bill in supporting. The

49:45

Maccabees was Adele. So

49:47

we went on after Adele. She was merely the

49:50

order. I have that. That

49:52

is amazing. It

49:54

was in this pub in Batsy was like, you

49:56

know, 200 people in the pub. And it was

49:58

just like you could just. You

50:01

could hear it all from outside, you know,

50:03

it was amazing. And it was a week

50:05

before Covid happened and there was sort of

50:07

the whole lockdown thing. So it was literally,

50:09

it felt like the last and then all gigs were

50:12

cancelled and it was like, wow, we just did like,

50:14

we literally had the biggest gig of the year. We

50:19

had the biggest gig of the year. You rolling in a deep? We did, we

50:21

did rolling in a deep. Somebody walking past the

50:23

pub going, God, this Adele cover's good. She

50:26

sounds just like her. She just walked

50:28

it out. That is a very, very

50:30

cool line up. No part of you

50:32

think that the band might be cursed

50:34

because you'd broken up. Yes. You

50:36

perform for the first time intimately and then a

50:38

worldwide pandemic happens. Yeah. Do you think maybe it's

50:40

best when the Maccabees just stays out of it?

50:43

I know you said I'm a narcissist but I

50:45

listen to my music on the bus, but I'm

50:47

not that much of a narcissist. I think that

50:49

we're actually like responsible for. Yeah. Yeah,

50:51

you're probably harsh on me to play in the

50:53

Maccabees for Covid actually in hindsight. It's

50:56

very exciting. So you are playing All

50:59

Points East Festival, which is,

51:01

it's an amazing festival every single year, All

51:03

Points East, the lineup come out and

51:05

they put the posters all over the place and you

51:07

go, wow. That's

51:09

a serious, I've seen the strokes, I've seen LCD sound system

51:11

of so many good acts there. So this is one that

51:14

a festival that you guys have been at fans a lot,

51:16

right? Yeah. Well, that was the one that was the one

51:18

that's like, so sort of written, as Hugo said, I'd sort

51:20

of, we do written off on our heads. We're not going

51:22

to do this again. So I was

51:24

personally like making peace with the fact maybe we're

51:26

never going to play those big shows again. So

51:29

we'd be going to those shows and you

51:32

couldn't help but think looking at it like, oh, if

51:34

we were there, like where are we playing? Would

51:36

we be headlining? We'll be second top. And

51:39

then you like Nick Cave would do very definitive

51:41

sets LCD, as he said, the strokes. Yeah. Yeah.

51:43

So seeing have a magic moment there. So

51:46

it felt like if, so that was

51:48

the one that like when it got offered

51:50

to us, it was like, yeah, we can't

51:53

not do that. It just feels too, too

51:55

great, too magical. Oh, it's incredible as well.

51:57

And just kind of testament to it. that

51:59

we've actually been able to come back and

52:02

do a show that huge, you know, not

52:05

to think about. It's good. It's pretty cool that you can

52:07

disappear for as long as you have and come back and

52:09

go straight into all points. He's like, it shows that the

52:11

band left the mark marks to prove it. Very

52:13

good. Can't cue track. Oh, here

52:16

we go. Bit, bit, bit. Bit

52:20

more than bad. I'm telling you, I'm getting good at this.

52:22

You're on fire. The

52:26

back of these marks to prove it. Felix

52:30

and Hugo from the Maccabees are

52:32

with us live in the studio. They announced

52:34

yesterday. So you found out relatively recently, what,

52:36

a few months ago that you were going

52:39

to do this? Is it then

52:41

really terrifying walking around with that secret

52:43

in the back pocket? Good

52:45

question. Have you been scared? I

52:49

haven't really been. I've been. I've

52:51

petrified. It's funny. It's the dynamic of

52:54

finding out who's telling who is quite

52:56

interested because we have like these. I

52:59

felt I had it the other night when I

53:01

was out with Fi and everyone

53:03

I bumped into. They

53:05

literally told me that they were like, I've

53:07

just heard the news. I just said, I

53:10

was like, well, it was like Fi was

53:12

walking around and everyone. Oh, yeah,

53:14

I have told a few people I haven't been able to help.

53:17

Basically, what I'm getting from this is that Hugo's been

53:19

really good. I feel like you've been singing like a canary.

53:21

Yeah, that basically was. That makes it

53:23

sound like I've been tortured. Are

53:27

you getting back together? He'll speak. Well,

53:30

I guess I just thought it's interesting you said you were

53:32

out and about. So I was thinking that, you know, in like

53:35

James Bond films, he's an international spy,

53:37

but he's always drinking martinis. And I was

53:39

thinking a couple of martinis. I'd be telling

53:41

everyone. Yeah, you can't really help it because

53:44

everything gets exciting, doesn't it? Yeah. Martinis. Yeah.

53:48

Well, you've done very well to keep it

53:50

under wraps because we were chatting earlier. It's

53:52

been a big year for the Oasis, obviously.

53:54

You may have heard they're getting back together.

53:57

The Cure have got their new album out. Lincoln Park came back.

53:59

I went to go see them a few weeks ago, which was

54:01

brilliant. And now you guys as well. It

54:04

feels like a particularly busy time for bands getting back

54:06

together. Is that just cost of living crisis? You all

54:08

broke? Or what's going on? Do

54:11

you know what? I'll be honest about it. That's

54:13

so funny. That's like a self-help group for bands. The

54:16

Oasis one was funny because we had... It

54:19

was all rolling and then we heard about Oasis. And

54:21

then there was a moment of like, oh, do we want to

54:24

actually do that? Because that's just going to be the thing,

54:26

isn't it? Right. And then I got

54:28

tickets for Oasis. Like I managed to

54:30

get them. And the buzz of

54:32

seeing it on the screen, I was going to see

54:35

Oasis. Yeah. It reframed in my head,

54:37

oh, some people were going to feel that way about

54:39

a Maccabees' feeling. Yeah, yeah. And so

54:41

I completely airbrushed that feeling of like, oh, they're too

54:43

many bands doing it or

54:45

whatever. Yeah. It just comes to

54:47

that point where you're like, this would actually just make people really happy.

54:51

Us happy. Yeah. And

54:53

then there must have been... You must have been like, once it

54:55

was confirmed we're doing this, it was

54:57

really, really exciting. I

54:59

don't know if I've really even realised it's real.

55:01

This is almost this moment is starting to feel

55:03

like it's... Yeah. I don't know.

55:05

Well, we haven't been in a room. So

55:08

that helps with selling tickets. But

55:10

we haven't played in a room together.

55:15

We're a bit rusty. Yeah.

55:18

It can go either way at this stage. The

55:22

Maccabees are back together. Felix and Hugo,

55:24

Smackabees, ladies and gentlemen. Now,

55:29

this weekend, I've got a lovely Friday

55:31

lined up with my much better half-pipper.

55:33

Mm-hmm. Saturday,

55:36

I am going up to Anfield. Yes. I'm

55:39

very excited about... Whereas

55:41

Captain Crapbeard and producer Harry... Oh,

55:44

they're off to a party. Oh,

55:46

you're invited as well, are you? Oh,

55:49

I'm invited. Oh, big time. Oh. You

55:52

don't know about this party, do you, Dom? No. Oh,

55:54

baby. Oh, I'm

55:56

going to go with you. Libby. Libby, who

55:58

is one of the music programmers. in the

56:00

office, works here for years now. You

56:03

know, get along well, I think, me and Libs. She's

56:06

throwing a Halloween party on Saturday night. Is she

56:08

indeed? Yep. Harry's going.

56:10

Right. Captain Crackedbeard's going. You

56:13

and me. Yeah. Not

56:15

invited. Not even... Having

56:17

heard of Peep. Not even shortlisted. Not even...

56:19

not even... Vinicius Jr. Not even... not even

56:22

runner up. Shall we rail Madrid it? Shall we rail...

56:24

well, if we go in vote for a boycott it.

56:26

We don't have a choice. We don't have a choice.

56:29

We're not going. We're not going. We're not going. We're

56:31

not going. We're not going. We're not going.

56:34

We're not going. We're not going. Why does she

56:36

hate us so much? Well, it's a good question.

56:38

It's a good question. It's a good question. Don't

56:41

know. Right. Don't know. Don't

56:43

know. Do you want to

56:46

hear the final real stinger? Oh, go

56:48

on. Producer Harry invited. Yeah.

56:51

Captain Crackedbeard invited. Yeah. Intern

56:53

Becky invited. Whoa. She's been

56:55

here five minutes. Five minutes. Yeah.

56:59

It's coming out for a month now that Becky's been here. Right.

57:02

She's going. We're still in the weeks stage though, aren't we? Yeah.

57:04

We can call it weeks. So three in a bit weeks.

57:06

Yeah. She's like a newborn

57:09

baby. You're still talking in weeks. Exactly. Do

57:11

you know what I mean? And yeah. So

57:13

she's invited. Right. So

57:15

was it fancy dress Halloween? Is it? It

57:17

is fancy dress. Yes. I haven't,

57:19

by the way, I haven't fully confirmed I'm going by

57:21

the way. Right. Okay. Well,

57:24

it'd be nice to have the option. But you have had an invite.

57:26

I've been invited to. Okay. Why don't

57:28

you and I turn up Dom? Yeah. Just with

57:30

knives in our back. Absolutely. Because that's what

57:32

it feels like. Exactly. Exactly. For

57:35

backstabbing Libby. Exactly. That show, wouldn't it? Well, we'll talk

57:37

more about this in a sec. It's just nice to

57:39

see the respect that we earn around here. This

57:42

is the Chris Moyles show podcast.

57:47

We were just trying to talk to Polly, but we

57:49

can't get through to it. What's going on, producer Harry?

57:52

Give us a little peek behind the curtain there, buddy. This

57:55

is really boring. She's not popping up as an

57:58

option. How about that? Well, very sorry, Polly. to

58:00

chat to you. But

58:02

I wanted to ask Polly if she's invited to this party. Well,

58:05

it seems everyone else is. She probably is. Probably.

58:07

It's just you and me, Dom, that's not invited.

58:09

And now, would this be intern Becky's

58:12

Radio X on-air debut that we're about

58:14

to witness here? Could be.

58:16

Yeah, it could well be, yes. Okay.

58:19

Okay. So intern Becky. First of all,

58:21

hello intern Becky. How are you? Hello.

58:23

I'm good. I feel like I've been the opposite

58:25

of relegated. You've been

58:27

promoted? If only there was a

58:29

word for the opposite of relegated. So,

58:35

Becky, you've been with us now about three weeks or

58:37

so? Yeah. Is

58:39

everybody being nice to you? Everyone is being

58:41

lovely. Okay. Has it felt like three weeks

58:44

or is it? It's felt like three years.

58:46

Has it? It's been a slog. In a

58:48

good way. In a good way. Because you've

58:50

enjoyed so much of it. So, Saturday nights,

58:53

Libby, who is one of the music programmers here at Radio

58:55

X, who you can thank for all the wonderful tunes that

58:57

we play every day. She's

58:59

throwing a party. And

59:02

well, producer Harry's going, Captain

59:04

Crapby's going, they've known for a very long time. They've

59:06

worked here for many years. They've got to know her

59:08

over that time. She hasn't invited

59:10

me and Don weirdly. New. But

59:13

we're fine. We're over it. Obviously, Becky, you being new

59:15

and only being here three weeks, you haven't had much

59:17

chance to build a rapport with Libs. No. So presumably,

59:19

you're not invited either. You're in our club, are you?

59:21

Yeah. Oh. I actually have been

59:23

invited. I mean, come on. And

59:27

there's rumors that the previous intern,

59:29

Bella. I'll give her over. She's

59:31

not invited. She's invited. She's gone. Does it work here

59:33

anymore? It doesn't even work here. Come on, guys.

59:35

God, Dom, he really meant that as well. That

59:37

is fair. That is just

59:39

unbelievable. Genuinely, just me and you from Radio X

59:42

who hasn't been invited. Well, let's put it this

59:44

way. There's five people in the studio and

59:46

we're the only two so far. So, Phoenix, who

59:48

does our videos. He's going. Is

59:50

in the group chat as well. He's going, is he?

59:53

There's a group chat. Oh,

59:55

I bet what you're doing. Sharing memes. Bella's

59:58

going. I

1:00:00

mean come on. She's been gone nearly

1:00:02

a month. Where did you on the line?

1:00:04

Dr. Pepper? Yeah Danny

1:00:10

Vernon K is he going? Yeah,

1:00:12

Ricky Wilson's on the list. Yeah, how far back we

1:00:14

going here? Ricky Gervais

1:00:16

and Karl Pilkington. How far back we going?

1:00:18

Only merchant can make No,

1:00:22

it's fancy dress so Becky if you've got an

1:00:24

outfit lined up, yeah, I do. Oh Do you?

1:00:28

Freddy Krueger if he was fit So,

1:00:33

you know without the hideous deformities

1:00:35

and the metal hands so you're

1:00:38

just going in a stripey jumper

1:00:43

Do you know what it checks out? He

1:00:45

would look sexy. He would look good. What

1:00:47

a shame We're not going isn't it? You

1:00:49

love fancy dress. Oh, I love fancy dress.

1:00:51

Yeah Okay, what would

1:00:53

be good is if somebody else went as

1:00:55

somebody who is good-looking if they were hideous.

1:00:57

Mmm So do you know what

1:00:59

I mean? So you go as sexy Freddy Krueger and

1:01:02

they go as like hideous Salma Hayek. Yeah I

1:01:07

Show my age that my go-to celebrity was

1:01:10

I Think

1:01:12

we'd learn why you've not been invited Cindy

1:01:17

Crawford, yeah But

1:01:20

you know, I panicked I tried to

1:01:22

figure somebody's famously yeah like relevant and

1:01:25

good-looking Even

1:01:28

even if I doubt she is listening but even she must

1:01:30

have been shocked to hear her name come out there Margot

1:01:34

Robbie can't believe she's got off the hook. What

1:01:36

about Judy Garland? No Oh Ingrid

1:01:39

Bergman gets me hot under the collar

1:01:56

Oh, this is the captain crap. It's been doing

1:01:58

some audio production You little

1:02:01

scampi! Yeah, you scary

1:02:03

sausage! What? Why

1:02:05

have I got a big box next to me? Oh,

1:02:07

what? I opened it up. What's it say on top of the box?

1:02:10

Oh, what's in the box, Toby, it says? Oh,

1:02:12

this is like the end of seven. Is it

1:02:14

Pippa's head? Oh, sweet! No, don't do that. Why

1:02:16

do you have to make everything weird? What's

1:02:19

in the box? Okay, here

1:02:21

we go. This is intriguing, isn't

1:02:23

it? It's a massive box. It says, what's in the box,

1:02:25

Toby? Somebody drawn a gun. On

1:02:28

Halloween, what do you think someone might have sent you, Toby?

1:02:31

Oh, no! What is it? What is it? What

1:02:34

is it? No, do you know what this is? No, of

1:02:37

course I don't. No, you

1:02:39

haven't. I have. You monster.

1:02:41

No, I haven't. It was anonymous. You got sent

1:02:43

in. What's he done? Dom,

1:02:46

what? In the box. Come

1:02:48

on. It's worse than

1:02:50

Pippa's head. It's worse than

1:02:52

Pippa's head? Oh,

1:02:57

they've decapitated Tallulah. Oh, no, it's

1:02:59

the unicorn head. Oh, my. You

1:03:02

killed her. What?

1:03:07

That is so sinister. What else is

1:03:09

in here? No, I'm getting flashbacks. It's

1:03:14

the gun that we used to do my

1:03:17

back with every time we pulled over at

1:03:19

a canal. Listen to this. Oh.

1:03:23

No wonder your bat

1:03:25

was sore. That's what used to pummel me

1:03:27

in the back every time we stopped. Oh,

1:03:29

no, I'm getting flashbacks. For

1:03:32

people that don't know, a few weeks ago, I

1:03:34

rode a unicorn-based pedalo down the River Thames for

1:03:36

charity. And they've sent me her

1:03:38

head in a box. In

1:03:41

a box. Lana Kane. Yay. I

1:03:44

used to apply that to myself first thing in the morning.

1:03:47

And what was the song, everybody? Three,

1:03:50

two, one. Lana Kane

1:03:52

for my balls. Oh,

1:03:55

yes, it was. What's

1:03:58

this now? Oh. These

1:04:00

are some of the banners that would

1:04:02

hung over the bridge when I was

1:04:04

pedaling. Oh, you turned it upside down.

1:04:07

This one says, Nice

1:04:10

horse. This

1:04:14

is very bleak, isn't it? Do you know the

1:04:16

story behind that? Nice horse. There was a point

1:04:18

where I was pedaling the unicorn down the Thames.

1:04:20

And as I'd go down the river, I'd never

1:04:22

know whether the people on the

1:04:24

side were radio X listeners who'd come say hello, or

1:04:26

just people walking past who, fair enough, were stopping to

1:04:28

watch a man have a midlife crisis on a unicorn.

1:04:31

Fair enough, yes. So at one point I was pedaling

1:04:33

and there was a bloke just stood in the reeds

1:04:35

looking at me. And we made eye contact for what

1:04:37

felt like about 10 seconds. He just looked at me,

1:04:39

go pass really slowly. And then he just

1:04:41

went, Nice horse. So

1:04:45

then someone wrote, spray painted that on a banner and

1:04:47

hung it from a brick. Lovely. I

1:04:51

think I remember this banner as well. Oh, what's this

1:04:54

one? This is one. Is this the,

1:04:56

I like the... I like the

1:04:58

unicorn. I don't like the man. That's the one.

1:05:01

That was another low point. Who

1:05:04

said that? That was a young child.

1:05:06

Young child. Yeah. A lovely radio

1:05:08

X sister. I'm sorry. I've forgotten her name. A lovely radio

1:05:10

X sister and her husband and their two kids came along

1:05:12

to support. And as I

1:05:15

pedaled over to them in the pedalo

1:05:18

and then the children

1:05:20

look absolutely terrified and

1:05:22

I thought fair enough. It's a, you know, it's eight foot

1:05:24

tall unicorn coming at them. And as I pedaled away, the

1:05:26

lady tweeted me in the evening to say, as

1:05:29

soon as you left, our young daughter cheered

1:05:31

up and said, I liked the unicorn. I

1:05:33

didn't like the man. I

1:05:39

read something this morning that, so

1:05:42

apparently, they're

1:05:45

changing the words to

1:05:48

the classic children's nursery rhyme. What

1:05:51

shall we do with the drunken sailor? Oh, it's a

1:05:53

belter, that one. Oh, it's a banger, isn't it? Huge

1:05:56

banger. So they

1:05:59

say it's no. No longer acceptable to sing

1:06:01

the line, What Shall We Do With The

1:06:03

Drunken Sailor? They are

1:06:05

erasing any mentions of booze and violence

1:06:08

from nursery rhymes. Because

1:06:11

I guess, I suppose, babies

1:06:14

and booze and violence don't

1:06:16

necessarily go hand in hand. Right,

1:06:19

I suppose. Are they

1:06:21

getting rid of that line entirely or are

1:06:23

they getting rid of the word drunken? They're

1:06:25

replacing it with, What

1:06:27

Shall We Do With The Grumpy Pirate?

1:06:30

It's not as good. It's not as good. What

1:06:33

Shall We Do With The Grumpy Pirate? Actually it's quite fun.

1:06:36

But it's the next line that's particularly bad.

1:06:39

Because there's another line that says, Put him in a long

1:06:41

boat till he's sober. Put him in

1:06:43

a long boat till he's sober. Put him in a long

1:06:45

boat till he's sober. They've changed that

1:06:47

to, Tickle him till he

1:06:49

starts to giggle. No, no,

1:06:51

no. Not

1:06:54

for me. Not for me. That's

1:06:57

insane. What

1:06:59

shall we do with the grumpy pirate? Tickle

1:07:01

him till he starts to giggle. That's terrible.

1:07:04

It's awful. That's the problem.

1:07:06

The people making the decisions aren't even, at least

1:07:08

let Bernie Taupin have a go. Exactly. They're

1:07:11

not lyricists. Do you know what I mean? We've got a

1:07:13

chance to make it rhyme as well. Now if we're rewriting

1:07:15

it, then it's gone from, what's it gone from? Yeah, because

1:07:17

it used to sort of have a half rhyme. What Shall

1:07:19

We Do With The Drunken Sailor? Put

1:07:22

him in a long boat till he's sober.

1:07:24

There's a bit of a sailor sober. There's

1:07:26

a half rhyme there. It's better than pirate

1:07:28

and giggle. Yeah, that doesn't even sound remotely.

1:07:30

Also, why are they changing the line? Put

1:07:33

him in a long boat till he's sober.

1:07:36

That's responsible. It is. It's carrying

1:07:38

the community, actually. Exactly.

1:07:40

Exactly. Why are we changing that? But

1:07:42

here's the bit that I can't get my head around. So

1:07:45

we've got Capitol on the same floor as us. Right,

1:07:48

which gets listened to by some very young kids. Like when

1:07:50

I worked at Capitol, I'd go to the summertime ball and

1:07:52

I'd look out in the crowd and there'd be girls of

1:07:54

seven, eight, nine years old. I remember

1:07:57

seeing Little Mix at the summertime ball.

1:07:59

They were brilliant, they were magnificent. But,

1:08:02

look, you, captains, I can see him nodding already.

1:08:04

Love him. But they were wearing.

1:08:06

They're so good. Practically nothing,

1:08:10

grinding on male dancers. And

1:08:12

the big, up with the big screen, they're

1:08:15

just basically shaking their backside in the front

1:08:17

row's face. All these seven-year-old girls going, oh,

1:08:20

I bloody love it for a little bit.

1:08:22

Oh, this is great. Oh,

1:08:24

you couldn't do that in Leicester Square. You

1:08:26

get arrested. And suddenly,

1:08:28

but now, we can't even sing, what shall we

1:08:31

do with the Drunket Sale? And so I thought,

1:08:34

am I losing my mind? And I know I turned 33

1:08:36

this week, and I'm sounding every second of 33 years old now.

1:08:39

But I typed in, I was

1:08:42

looking at some of the biggest hits of the

1:08:44

last few years, songs that get played

1:08:46

on popular radio stations all around

1:08:49

the UK, listened to by really young children.

1:08:52

And I was just looking at the lyrics. Some

1:08:54

of them, genuinely, I was like, I can't read

1:08:56

that out on the radio. Even

1:08:59

though that song gets played on

1:09:01

the radio every day, I was like, there's no

1:09:03

way I'm saying that. I mean, the

1:09:06

inconsistency is unbelievable. Now, there's one artist

1:09:08

in particular, because I've been having to

1:09:10

look at lyrics this morning. Megan

1:09:13

D. Stallion, Filth, really,

1:09:15

Filth. Oh, dear. Back in my day, you

1:09:18

had to call a number to get someone

1:09:20

to talk to you like that. Now,

1:09:23

they're just playing her on the hits. Don't

1:09:25

want to tell you. She's getting UK number

1:09:27

ones. Yeah, all over the place. Honestly, I

1:09:30

couldn't believe some of the stuff I'm reading. So these

1:09:32

are some of the tamer ones that I've managed to

1:09:34

find. Doja Cat.

1:09:37

I wasn't familiar with Doja Cat's work.

1:09:39

I am now. Mm. She's

1:09:41

great. She had a song called Kiss Me More. You

1:09:43

were familiar with that one, Chris? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kiss Me

1:09:45

More, big hit, apparently. Right. Okay, starts

1:09:47

off quite nice. We hug, and

1:09:49

yes, we make love, and always just

1:09:51

say goodnight. And we cuddle, sure. I

1:09:54

do love it, but I need your

1:09:56

lips on mine. Okay. It's

1:09:58

quite beautiful. That's nice, isn't it? I'm getting

1:10:00

misty eyed over him. Boy you write your

1:10:02

name, I can do the same. Ooh, I

1:10:04

love the taste, la la la. All

1:10:07

on my tongue, I want it, la la

1:10:09

la. Boy you write your name, I can

1:10:11

do the same. Ooh, I love the taste,

1:10:13

la la la la la. All on my

1:10:15

tongue, I want it. It takes a turn,

1:10:17

doesn't it? A little bit. I preferred it

1:10:19

when they were cuddling. Yeah. Oh,

1:10:23

but don't think about a drunken pirate, whatever you do. Unbelievable.

1:10:27

This is the Chris Moyles

1:10:29

Show Podcast. Bravely possessed. It

1:10:31

is an absolute pleasure to

1:10:33

say that we are joined

1:10:35

by the one and

1:10:37

only Sandy Toxley. Yes. Oh,

1:10:40

you're so lovely. Lovely team of boys.

1:10:42

Ah. Like a boy band. Like

1:10:45

a boy band. A boy band that's really let themselves go.

1:10:47

I didn't like to say. There's work to

1:10:49

be done, frankly. My darlings.

1:10:51

Our best years have been high, Dus. I think so. We

1:10:53

had a good run though, didn't we? Greatest hits, too. Absolute

1:10:57

pleasure to meet you, Sandy. First of all,

1:10:59

how are you? Yeah, I'm OK. I'm, you

1:11:01

know, bearing up. Not bad for my age.

1:11:03

Why? Have you heard something? I'm

1:11:05

not. You

1:11:08

are a national treasure, Sandy Toxfig. That's such a

1:11:10

weird thing, isn't it? It sounds like you're going

1:11:12

to be put in a safe table. You

1:11:16

should have UNESCO Heritage sites stamped

1:11:18

across you. But

1:11:20

genuinely, because you're so... I know that

1:11:22

you've probably told the story a billion times and you're bored

1:11:24

of it, but born in Copenhagen, and I was saying to

1:11:26

these guys, I found saying, she's a

1:11:29

proper national treasure, Sandy Toxfig. And I can't

1:11:31

think of many national treasures who aren't originally

1:11:33

British or from Britain. So it's pretty cool to

1:11:36

move to another country and become beloved. Yeah, I

1:11:38

don't know. Maybe Denmark didn't want me. Maybe that

1:11:40

was the thinking part of it. You're a national

1:11:42

disgrace in Denmark and a national treasure in Britain.

1:11:44

Well, their losses are game, Sandy.

1:11:47

Well, I'm very proud that I also have British

1:11:49

citizenship. I have base. And can I just say,

1:11:51

with Brexit, it's absolutely fantastic. Oh, yeah. Go

1:11:54

into Europe with your Danish passport and come

1:11:56

back into Britain with your British ones. I

1:11:58

recommend that everybody should apply for Danish citizenship.

1:12:00

That's it. way quicker at customs that's all

1:12:02

I'm saying to you. Oh wow yeah you've

1:12:04

sort of cheated the system. 100% yeah. You're

1:12:06

alien and predator. I know right. Not

1:12:09

entirely how I saw myself. I'm going to

1:12:11

take it. That's

1:12:13

a good t-shirt. Yes

1:12:16

that's amazing. I'm totally going to have that made.

1:12:20

Hi there, Sandy talks with alien and

1:12:22

predator. How you doing? Now

1:12:26

we're here to talk about, well

1:12:28

you're going to some very impressive venues.

1:12:31

You're going to theatre royal, let's do

1:12:33

it chronologically. Let's start with

1:12:35

One Night Only, Sandy talks in One

1:12:37

Night Only, doing two nights of that.

1:12:40

I know because why do

1:12:42

things properly? Well so here's my

1:12:44

theory when you do a live show like this right

1:12:46

so they're never too the same are they? One

1:12:49

of the things that we now know with

1:12:51

theatre audiences which is so interesting, as they

1:12:53

sit down their heart rates begin to synchronise. So

1:12:55

that group of people who none of them

1:12:57

knew each other beforehand will suddenly become a

1:12:59

sort of solid group. So the one show

1:13:01

that we do on the Wednesday and the

1:13:03

show that we do on the Thursday will be

1:13:06

different because the audience is different. Wow

1:13:08

gosh is that true that's been proven their hearts are

1:13:10

great. It's one of those weird QI things that I.

1:13:14

You must never have a dull moment at a

1:13:16

dinner party because by doing QI for so many

1:13:18

years if ever there's a lull in conversation you

1:13:20

can just go want to hear something about a

1:13:22

blue whale. You must be able

1:13:24

to just reel off stuff like you just told us about heart

1:13:26

rate. But the thing to do

1:13:28

to dinner party is rather than saying oh here's an interesting

1:13:31

fact the trick is to interview the

1:13:33

person next to you. Right. And

1:13:35

everybody's interested in themselves. Yeah true. Everybody's

1:13:37

interested in themselves and you just start

1:13:39

with a question but then you can

1:13:41

just eat. I've discovered this. Question

1:13:46

head down. That's great. Something to eat. Just

1:13:48

crack on. Make sure you've got a full

1:13:50

plate. Turn to the person. Ask them a

1:13:52

question. Detailed question about themselves. That's it. Crack

1:13:55

on with your dinner. That's amazing. Oh great my foie

1:13:57

gras arrives. Got any brothers and sisters? Yeah. I

1:14:00

don't know where you go. So what led

1:14:02

you to be in paperwork distribution? Whilst

1:14:07

you eat free courses to see this for a guest

1:14:09

coach? And they

1:14:11

leave that conversation going, God, Sandy's very interesting. Yeah.

1:14:13

No, honestly, they do. They think you're so interesting.

1:14:15

But in fact, all you've done is ask some

1:14:17

questions about themselves. That's fascinating. That's good, yeah. I'm

1:14:19

now realising that people do that to me all

1:14:22

the time and I don't shut up. What

1:14:24

a sad way to realise what an egomaniac you are.

1:14:26

And do you think it was being an egomaniac that

1:14:28

made you want to be on the radio? Everybody sit

1:14:30

back. Yeah. Do you know, Sandy, I think you started

1:14:32

with my father. Yeah, everyone's just

1:14:35

tucking into their breakfast. It's

1:14:38

lovely. So glad you asked that, Sandy, actually, whilst

1:14:40

I've got you. Settle in. She

1:14:44

works every time. Every time. Every time.

1:14:47

Right, November 13th and 14th is the show

1:14:49

One Night Only. But yes, it's on two

1:14:51

nights. So very, very excited about that. And

1:14:53

it's all about the theatre, stories

1:14:56

for about actors, the performances, stories

1:14:58

and songs. This

1:15:00

is a chance to see the elves in action,

1:15:02

the people who are behind the scenes. The boys

1:15:04

in particular, Stephen Frye, chose them. That's all I'm

1:15:06

saying. Right, right. You see what I'm saying? This

1:15:09

is Rowell, who's one of our elves. Yes, exactly.

1:15:12

He doesn't know anything, but look at his six-pack. Oily,

1:15:15

don't touch. There's

1:15:19

my T-shirt. Now,

1:15:23

that's not your only trip to the

1:15:25

theatre this winter. I know, what's happening?

1:15:27

Because, and this is a great title,

1:15:29

this almost feels like Alan Partridge, the

1:15:31

title came first. Sandy

1:15:33

Claus is coming to town. Oh, come on.

1:15:36

Right for sound. That's lovely. Come on. It

1:15:38

doesn't even matter if the show's any good

1:15:40

at this stage. The title's too strong. My

1:15:42

son is a wonderful actor and his wife.

1:15:46

So we're going to have them in the show because

1:15:48

I wanted it to be a family show. There are

1:15:50

plenty of people, particularly, I think, in London, who feel

1:15:52

a bit lonely at Christmas and don't maybe have family.

1:15:55

Totally, yeah. So I'm really my own family,

1:15:58

plus all of those talented people. and we're gonna

1:16:00

put on a rollicking. Can

1:16:03

we say rollicking? Yes, say it. A

1:16:05

rollicking show. We absolutely can say it, but

1:16:08

if we weren't allowed to say it, I love the fact that you double

1:16:10

checked by saying the

1:16:12

word again. But you know what's so

1:16:15

great, darling, is I reached the edge and I don't care anymore. Yeah,

1:16:17

exactly. We don't care. Okay, we had that

1:16:19

with- I looked at you for permission, I don't

1:16:21

know why. Is that all right?

1:16:23

I've got no say. It's sadly comfortably the least

1:16:25

important person in the room that you chose to

1:16:27

look at there. Now feels good about himself. Now

1:16:31

let me tell you about my dad. What did your

1:16:33

father do? Oh,

1:16:37

he's a tiler. Don't worry about it. No. Let's

1:16:39

move on, let's go back to you, Sandy. No, see, I think that's great. I

1:16:41

like tiring, because there's the lesbian in me. I like a bit of

1:16:43

grout. We

1:16:48

are gonna run out of T-shirts. We're

1:16:50

gonna need a bigger bumper for all

1:16:52

these bumpers they get. Oh,

1:16:55

that's magnificent. Now have you done Royal Albert

1:16:57

Hall before, because that's pretty cool. I have,

1:16:59

I have played the Albert Hall weirdly quite

1:17:01

a lot of times. Now you've played Royal

1:17:03

Albert Hall, Dom, have you not? Have I?

1:17:05

No, you played the Palladium. I

1:17:08

mean, the Palladium is lovely. That's a nice Christmas place. Oh,

1:17:10

stunning place. Oh yeah. The last time I played the Palladium

1:17:13

was the 70th birthday of Prince Charles, and I

1:17:15

stood backstage with Cheryl Cole, and we had a

1:17:17

long, intense conversation. Do you know how you do

1:17:19

something you do in the dark? Yeah, yeah.

1:17:22

I don't really know who she was. She

1:17:24

was lovely. Yeah. She's a tiny.

1:17:27

She's very small. And I can

1:17:29

say that. Yes. For me to

1:17:31

say that. We were like a condiment set

1:17:33

backstage. Famously,

1:17:38

whenever I get a guest on, I like to play terrible

1:17:40

games with them. Oh dear Lord.

1:17:43

And this game's quite topical. Yeah.

1:17:45

Because Captain over here, as we

1:17:47

call him, Captain Crapbeard, he recently

1:17:49

went to Oslo. Strong title. Thank you, sir.

1:17:52

Thanks, Sam. It's a hell of a business

1:17:54

card, isn't it? He

1:17:56

recently went to Oslo. My mum is Norwegian.

1:17:58

She's a fellow scammer. And he went to

1:18:00

Oslo and he slept in my mum's bed. It's

1:18:02

a long story. Yeah, I mean there's

1:18:05

so many questions Thank you. Feel free to ask

1:18:07

them But he said look as a

1:18:09

thank you to your mother for letting me stay

1:18:11

in her bed in Oslo Would you

1:18:13

like me to bring anything back and I said

1:18:16

get us some yettust? Yes, which is you know,

1:18:18

Norwegian goat sheep It's fantastic. It's lovely. It's weirdly

1:18:20

sweet But anyway, I like to always play a

1:18:22

game with our guests and so I don't think

1:18:24

where this game is going we've started in your

1:18:27

mother's bed and cheese Hahaha Right

1:18:29

bring her in This

1:18:32

game is called cheese

1:18:34

the one We

1:18:39

can only apologize to you standing like I

1:18:41

said, I'm sorry We

1:18:44

rejected so many other titles before this one.

1:18:46

Yeah, that's the worry cheese all that cheese

1:18:48

electric I like that. I want to open

1:18:50

a delicatessen in the Middle East called cheeses

1:18:52

of Nazareth Nice where were

1:18:54

you when we were coming up with these ideas? But

1:18:58

think about the bed. How good is that?

1:19:00

That's a quote from captain's trip to Oslo

1:19:05

It's a very simple game It also

1:19:07

is to do with the fact that this morning I don't know

1:19:09

if you saw the big news Sandy that 300,000 pounds

1:19:12

worth of cheese was stolen Yes.

1:19:14

Yes Jamie Oliver's up in arms about it.

1:19:17

He is he is So there's

1:19:19

lots of reasons to play this game none of them

1:19:21

good, but let's play it anyway So

1:19:23

I'm gonna give you a name of a cheese and you're

1:19:25

going to tell me whether it is from your Homeland

1:19:28

Denmark or my motherland Norway. How

1:19:30

are you when you're Scandinavian cheeses?

1:19:32

It's like the most rarefied game

1:19:34

of all time. That's coming

1:19:36

from the host of QI So

1:19:41

Sandy, yes, I'm ready I'm going to

1:19:43

shut I'm going to throw the word

1:19:45

kavagg at you kavagg

1:19:49

I'm going to go Norwegian

1:19:51

you'd be right to one

1:19:54

out of one Now

1:19:58

we should have is there a prize because you're

1:20:00

currently holding cheese, so to speak. You

1:20:03

can't take my mum's cheese out of her own

1:20:05

mouth. You need a prize. She does love Sandy.

1:20:07

Can I get a voucher to stay in your

1:20:09

mother's bed? Deal. I mean, I

1:20:11

can't believe I'm actually asking that question. Deal.

1:20:16

Captain, very cute. There

1:20:18

we go. What a compliment. He can do a son to me. I

1:20:23

just thought we'd play a game of cheese, the one, and it's

1:20:25

ended up with Sandy offering to mother captains. Exactly, yeah, we didn't

1:20:27

see that. He looks like he needs it. And

1:20:33

on that note, Sandy top-click, ladies

1:20:35

and gentlemen. What

1:20:39

a podcast. Wow. When

1:20:42

you see it all laid out like that. Oh,

1:20:44

it's quite a thing, isn't it? Really, isn't it,

1:20:46

Josh? We don't charge for that. That's faux-free. Yeah.

1:20:49

Faux-free. It's faux-free. Pay

1:20:51

for it. You don't pay for it.

1:20:54

You don't pay for it. Yeah. You don't

1:20:56

pay for it. We should charge. I've always

1:20:58

said that. Actually, we should charge for that.

1:21:00

Our listeners will go down significantly. Yeah, but

1:21:02

when does one cancel the other out? If

1:21:04

we lose half our listeners, but we're charging

1:21:06

50 quid of podcasts, hello? Hello. Good ching.

1:21:08

That's it. I'd take that. That's it. I'd

1:21:10

take the hit. Dom often says that he

1:21:12

would like to fleece our listeners for everything

1:21:14

they've got. Often. You're big

1:21:16

on that. Yeah, I love fleecing. Producer

1:21:21

Vin, who produces Johnny,

1:21:24

my former producer,

1:21:26

he often says

1:21:29

that the radio station would be better without the

1:21:31

listeners. He says that a lot.

1:21:33

That's his goal. Because we could finally crack on with

1:21:35

doing some radio that wasn't for all those listeners. Yeah.

1:21:37

That's good. He

1:21:40

said, oh, I've got loads of ideas that we could do if we

1:21:42

didn't have a listen. It's an original take on radio, isn't it? Honestly,

1:21:46

once every three months, we've got our listening

1:21:48

figures, our radio figures. Honestly, we once lost

1:21:50

100,000 listeners. I saw Vin punch the air.

1:21:54

Leading a Congo, wasn't he? It's

1:21:57

the one-man Congo. Right, Congo lasted for six weeks. We

1:21:59

all went to the pub afterwards, he got champagne. Anyway,

1:22:03

thank you very much for listening. We love you

1:22:05

listeners, even if it were down the Dom, you'd

1:22:08

be skinted, he'd be rich. Thank you very

1:22:10

much for the podcast and enjoy Chris Miles's

1:22:12

return next week.