0:01

Hello , we are coming to you

0:03

live from an undisclosed location

0:05

. This is a broadcast

0:08

of the crossing guard tapes . What

0:10

you are about to hear is true . This

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is an unauthorized account taken

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from the diary of Mike Limbo , an

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unwilling recruit for a deep

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state organization known

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as the Guards of the Realm . Mike

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is in hiding , his life is

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in constant danger and

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he needs your support . Help

0:33

us get the word out . Join

0:36

us as we bring you the fifth installment

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of the crossing guard tapes .

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August 18th 1988

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. I came

0:54

home from Atlantic City totally broke

0:57

and very hungover . Buddy

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gave me some pills that he said would prevent syphilis

1:03

. Turns out they

1:05

were really speed or some

1:08

shit . All

1:10

I know is I didn't sleep for three days straight , but

1:13

I didn't get syphilis either . The

1:15

pills must have worked . We

1:17

must have driven up and down the strip hundreds

1:20

of times , honking

1:22

and screaming at the whores and all

1:24

the other street vermin Scared

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the shit out of a bunch of old farts too . Man

1:29

, they're fucking everywhere . It's

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a total blast . Atlantic

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City is a great place to visit . Who

1:37

knows , maybe I'll live there someday . It's

1:41

a party town and there's some pretty cool action

1:43

happening around the clock . But

1:45

for the time being I'm

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totally committed to my job In

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Atlantic City . You're just gonna have

1:53

to wait . Pretty

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tired right now , but I

1:58

kinda feel like doing something . Anyway . I

2:00

can't sleep , not now . I

2:05

tried calling Buddy but he's not answering his

2:07

phone . So

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I don't know . This might be a good night to get

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to know my neighbors a little better that

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lady across the street , perhaps Little

2:17

peeping Tom . Action is good for the soul

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once in a while . August

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19th 1988 . It's

2:30

5 AM and I still haven't gotten

2:32

to sleep . Yet the

2:34

alarm just went off and

2:38

it's time to get up , since I have a meeting

2:40

with Mr Jakeman this morning , today's

2:43

already fucked . Guess

2:46

it must be time to take another syphilis pill

2:48

. August

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20th 1988

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. I've

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been demoted again , this

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time to the very , very

3:14

early morning shift at Hardaway

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Elementary . I've told Mr Jakeman

3:19

how much I hate little kids over

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and over and over

3:23

again .

3:24

I hate little fucking kids .

3:26

But no , he keeps setting me up with

3:29

these shit jobs anyway .

3:30

I fucking hate them .

3:49

September 5th 1988

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. It's the beginning

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of another school year and the kids are

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all excited and happy . Everyone's

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wearing their new clothes and carrying

4:01

their new book binders . There's

4:03

electricity in the air . All

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of the excitement has put me in a pretty good mood

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. September

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19th 1988

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. Well

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, the excitement that I felt on the first

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day of school is worn off big

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time . The

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kids at this school suck . They

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really are grades E quality . Personally

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, I wouldn't give a rat's ass if any

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of them got run over . Sometimes

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I don't even bother to get up to help them across , and

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when it rains out you can forget

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about it . I will

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be that guy you'll see standing under the

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nearest tree staying dry . The

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weather has been shit for the last few weeks

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, making the job a total pain in the ass . Going

4:57

out after work has been a real drag too

4:59

. Time to catch

5:02

up on my reading Well

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, porn . That is September

5:09

25th 1988

5:13

. The

5:17

weather has finally let up some , and Buddy

5:21

and me and some of the guys are going

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out tonight . After

5:25

weeks of being cooped up every night , I'm

5:28

definitely ready to go out and crack some heads

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open . September

5:59

26th 1988

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. This night we'll

6:06

go down in history as a night

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to remember . After

6:11

work , buddy and me and a few of

6:13

the guys started off by bowling a few

6:15

games at Brunswick Lanes the

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new Brunswick on Speedway , not the old

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south side Brunswick down in

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Spicktown . I'm

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not a racist or nothing . I mean , some

6:29

of my best friends are Spicks . Spicktown

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just gives me the creeps . Anyway

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, buddy and I teamed up and we

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were unbeatable . We

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ran the floor so we didn't have to pay for drinks

6:47

all night . We

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were lit up and going about a thousand

6:58

miles an hour . He

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was getting pretty pissed off at us , since

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he considers himself to be a pretty decent

7:06

bowler . He kept telling me to shut

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up . I

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kept telling him that his shoe was untied

7:23

. I

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belched every time he was at the line setting

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up his shot . I

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would wait until he was just about to shoot

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and then I'd let one fly . Peaty

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got even with me , though On my last

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frame . He ran up behind me just as

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I was lining up my shot and poured a

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pitcher of beer all over my head

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. I

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turned around and shoved the ball at him and

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nailed him square in the chest and knocked

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him on his ass . He fell backwards

8:03

and landed right on top of this huge guy

8:05

in the next lane . The dude gets up

8:07

and starts hammering the living

8:09

shit out of him , didn't

8:23

have a ghost of a chance . Buddy

8:26

and I lit out of there in a hurry , leaving Peat

8:28

and the other guys to sort out that mess . As

8:30

far as I'm concerned , peat

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had it coming . He's always bragging

8:35

to us about what a hot shit bowler he is

8:37

. Well , guess what , peat , tonight

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you're just an A number one

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jump . The fun

8:43

didn't stop when we got outside either . Buddy

8:46

found an unlocked car and opened the trunk

8:48

. He pulled out the tire iron

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and started busting out windshields as

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we tore through the parking lot I

8:55

was laughing too hard to do anything much

8:57

, but I managed to kick off a few rear

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view mirrors . For my part , we

9:02

could hear the police sirens coming , so

9:04

we kept running until we got all

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the way to read park . We

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hid in the woods there until things cooled out

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a little . The

9:15

sirens had passed and were far away

9:18

within a few minutes . Once the coast

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was clear , we ventured out from our

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hiding place . By then all

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those pictures of beer began to catch up with

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me , so I started looking for a place

9:29

to take a leak . I found

9:31

a nice bush to piss behind and discovered

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a couple old winos living in the grass

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getting drunk . Well , look what we fucking

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have here . Well you know

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how Buddy feels about winos Hi

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stinky . His dad was a pretty bad drunk

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, so he doesn't like them too much

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. In fact you could say pretty

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much doesn't like them a whole lot

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. First we

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smashed their wine bottles on some rocks

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and then proceeded to kick the stink

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out of them and God , there was plenty

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of that to go around .

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Run motherfucker . Oh , you can't , because

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I'm fucking stomping on you , Eww

10:06

.

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Cry . After that we made them take their clothes

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off . It was pretty damn cold outside

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. You should have heard them begging us for

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mercy . A couple of pussies

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. He picked them up , one at a time

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, and threw them and their stinky

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clothes into the duck pond . At this

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time of year , the duck pond always has

10:24

a thin layer of ice on it .

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Is it ?

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cold . Is it cold ? Maybe

10:29

you could fuck it . Maybe a little pink ballerina suits

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would be fucking cool . I've never laughed so hard in my fucking

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life , though . To be honest

10:35

, we should have thrown their clothes in a

10:37

pile and burned them . What have been doing

10:39

them a favor ? Believe me .

10:45

You have just heard the fifth installment

10:47

of the crossing guard tapes . We

10:50

are shutting down our transmitter now

10:52

to prevent the deep stage from tracing

10:54

our signal . And

10:57

, dear listeners , due to the FBI's

10:59

unrementing effort to recover the

11:01

tapes , there is a risk

11:03

that they could be monitoring our site . So

11:06

be sure to keep a low profile when

11:09

sharing , subscribing and liking

11:11

. Until next time

11:13

. Co-conspirators , stay alive

11:16

and spread the word . The

11:19

crossing guard tapes was written and produced

11:21

by Jim Waters , featuring the

11:23

voice talent of Tommy Nicolai , pat

11:26

Waters , miel Kite and

11:28

John Paul , with original

11:30

music from Pendulum , incorporated

11:32

Technical support and

11:34

marketing . Courtesy of Jazz

11:37

Garrel Wall .