0:09

Welcome to

0:11

the Dildorf

0:13

Stork Storky

0:15

Discourse on Sex,

0:17

Dating, and Masterbating.

0:20

My name is

0:23

Kate Sloan. I'm a

0:25

sex journalist, a sex

0:27

blogger, and I don't

0:29

think I've ever... use

0:31

the eggplant emoji seriously.

0:33

Like I don't think

0:35

I would if I

0:38

was trying to evoke a

0:40

cock in like a sexy way, you

0:42

know, like I, that's a comedy emoji

0:44

for me. When you said seriously,

0:46

I fully thought, oh, that's going

0:48

to be my third thing, hang

0:50

on, I'm saving that, I'm taking

0:52

it, I'm calling it. Oh, should I tea you

0:54

out, who are you friend? I'm Billy,

0:56

I'm a sex educator, and porn

0:58

maker, and when you said that...

1:01

I fully thought, oh yes, the

1:03

eggplant emoji as an eggplant. I

1:05

mean, if I was making an

1:07

eggplant parmish or not, I

1:09

guess, like, what other context could you

1:12

put it in? I really feel like

1:14

that's what the creators made it

1:16

to be a dick of, oh,

1:18

you meant seriously in sexting, I

1:20

work in porn, I absolutely have.

1:22

Yeah, that makes sense. That reminds

1:24

me of, I don't know if

1:27

you remember that, like, like, when

1:29

I was a eggplant. Like, do

1:31

you feel like your work has

1:33

been desecrated by the repurposing of

1:35

this emoji? And they never wanted

1:37

me to write that piece, which

1:39

is understandable. They probably would have

1:42

had to pay for expenses for

1:44

me to leave the city and go to

1:46

a farmer. I think it's Wi-Fi out there,

1:48

you could call them. That's true. That's true.

1:50

Yeah. I do think it would be

1:52

interesting to, like, as part of

1:54

either a series or some kind

1:57

of compilation, to talk to different

1:59

industries industries. who have unfortunate

2:01

sex and kink parallels. Like

2:03

the pearl necklace industry. Absolutely.

2:06

The cream pie industry. Like

2:08

you could talk to them

2:10

about avoiding euphemisms in their

2:13

marketing. But also like CBT.

2:15

Talk to them just about

2:17

accessing information about their stuff

2:20

or people like I, you

2:22

know, I just, I feel

2:24

like community, there is an

2:27

interesting story to be told

2:29

from people who are just

2:31

trying to live their regular

2:34

life and are suddenly deep

2:36

in some kind of kink

2:38

world. Because of SEO now. Yeah,

2:40

my pun brain was just like

2:43

going a mile a minute trying

2:45

to come up with more examples.

2:47

Like somebody who owns a business

2:49

that makes clothes for dogs called

2:51

Doggy style. There is, okay, no,

2:53

there is a chain of pet

2:55

stores called Doggy Style in Philadelphia.

2:57

Not even kidding. Good. I'm glad

2:59

that that exists. Yeah. We're back

3:01

to talk about sex. We're talking

3:03

about sex. Yeah, we took a

3:05

week off unexpectedly last week. Thank

3:07

you for your patience with us.

3:09

Not that you particularly had any

3:11

choice. But yeah, we needed the

3:13

week off, but we're back to

3:15

talk more about sexting. Yeah, and

3:17

I thought it would be interesting

3:19

to get us started with a

3:21

question that came in after we

3:23

recorded in our discord. And it

3:25

kind of paralleled something I had

3:27

on my list that we didn't

3:29

get to. They asked about coaxing

3:31

sexting out of shy textors. And

3:33

I think we can take it

3:35

as read for people in our

3:37

discord, hopefully, that like, this is

3:39

not about... getting people who don't

3:41

want to sex to sex to

3:43

sex to this is about kind

3:45

of opening the pathway for folks

3:47

who Like the idea of sexting

3:49

but don't actually know how and

3:51

don't know how to get started

3:53

and might lean kind of bottom

3:55

me and like Would like their

3:57

handheld and would like to be

3:59

guided into a sexting interaction, but

4:01

like also don't know how to

4:03

do it. Yeah, kind of two different

4:05

types of approaches are coming to

4:08

mind for me. One of them is

4:10

a lot of questions, I think,

4:12

like sometimes when you're like

4:14

flirting you might... It's so

4:16

hard. Every time we do an episode

4:18

that's like anything flirting related, it is

4:21

so hard to come up with examples

4:23

because it is like so contextual. It's

4:25

like, it's so in the moment just

4:28

based on whatever is happening around you.

4:30

Well, I mean, and that does speak to

4:32

you how so much of good flirting is

4:34

about thinking on your feet and being present

4:37

in the moment and being observant

4:39

and all of that. Yeah,

4:41

but okay, so here's a recent example

4:43

from my own life is like if

4:45

someone sends me a selfie in which

4:48

their hand looks good and I comment

4:50

that like you're I'm looking at your

4:52

hand I zoomed it on your hand

4:54

eyes emoji. There's gonna be an eyes

4:56

emoji thing in the bloop. Oh no.

4:59

But then the person replied something like,

5:01

oh yeah, like are you thinking about?

5:03

like my hands on you, depending

5:05

on your relationship, you could get

5:07

like more specific, more explicit than

5:09

that or not. But it's kind

5:11

of a, when you phrase something

5:14

as a question like that, you're

5:16

kind of inviting them to join

5:18

in, you're like setting them up

5:20

with like an easy answer that

5:22

they can provide, and you can

5:24

pay attention to whether they're kind

5:27

of yes ending in their response,

5:29

like building on what you said,

5:31

or if they're like, like, shutting

5:33

it down. monosyllabic replies. But

5:35

another thing that comes to mind

5:37

for me is like we talked a

5:39

bit in the last episode about how

5:41

like I sometimes have some uncertainty

5:44

about like okay are we sexting

5:46

now like are we in a

5:48

sexting session like when is that

5:51

like what's what's happening here and

5:53

I think that I've sometimes found

5:55

it helpful to like actually

5:57

schedule a sexting date where

6:00

And I think that this could be a way to

6:02

like, coax someone who maybe has seemed like they

6:04

want to do it, but are a little nervous about

6:06

it. Cause you could be like, would you ever

6:08

like be down to like sex with me? Like we

6:10

could like do it as a date, like we

6:12

could like pick a time on the calendar. I

6:15

think that this works best when like,

6:17

you don't probably immediately jump into sexing

6:19

on the date. Like probably it's a

6:21

little more like a date date where

6:23

like you talk a little bit first.

6:25

But I think that for me, that

6:28

has sometimes been a freeing approach in

6:30

the same way that scheduling sex can

6:32

sometimes help me as a person with

6:34

responsive desire start to get in the

6:36

mood for that and to prepare myself

6:38

mentally for that happening in a way

6:40

that makes it much easier for me

6:42

to actually do it when we get

6:44

around to it. Yeah, I think scheduling

6:46

that makes a lot of sense. And

6:48

I think in doing that, you have

6:50

also an opportunity to talk about the

6:52

idea of sexting without actually sexting. Cause

6:55

I think if we're talking about people

6:57

who are shy about this, part of

6:59

what is nerve wracking, often like the

7:01

thing I hear most often is what

7:03

the fuck do I say? Like, and

7:05

how do I know what it'll be?

7:07

What I say will be hot. And

7:09

we talked about that earlier, right? But

7:13

I think having kind of this

7:15

meta communication, which is a really great

7:17

opportunity for it to be like

7:19

this flirty meta communication, right? And

7:24

well, like, how do you feel

7:26

about sexting? I listened to this podcast

7:28

recently where I was thinking about

7:30

this or like, read this book, so

7:32

this thing, you know, whatever, find

7:34

an opportunity to bring it up kind

7:36

of separate from the two of

7:38

you and

7:40

talk about kind of the idea of

7:42

it. Is it a thing they find

7:44

hot? Have an opportunity to maybe talk

7:46

about what you find hot about it,

7:48

all that. This way, A, if

7:53

you are at all

7:55

nervous about is this

7:57

shyness or is this

8:00

discomfort, which can be

8:02

a hard thing to

8:04

read via text. Yeah. Have

8:06

heard in their own words that like, this

8:09

is a thing they are into in whatever

8:11

sort of way, right? And you can use

8:13

that information to kind of cultivate the, or

8:16

customize the sexting experience for them, right, to.

8:18

suit the things that they may be

8:20

nervous about, right? If they say, you

8:22

know, I've always liked the idea of

8:24

sex, I would never even know what

8:26

to say, right? Or like, you know,

8:28

you know, or if they say, like,

8:30

I love the idea of it, but

8:32

like, sometimes people use these like really

8:34

explicit words that make me

8:37

really uncomfortable or this really

8:39

flowery language that I hate or

8:41

whatever, you might know what language to

8:43

avoid. But if they're saying like,

8:46

Like I said, I don't know what

8:48

to say. You might, in taking that

8:50

question approach that you were talking about,

8:52

take on a little more of

8:54

the weight of those early sexting

8:56

conversations and offer more yes or no

8:59

questions or what I used to call

9:01

kind of the eye doctor tests, which

9:03

is like, which ones better, this one

9:06

or this one. Usually refer to being

9:08

in person, like I'm... fucking you slow

9:10

or fast, which is better this

9:12

or this, but you can do

9:14

that in sexting as well with

9:16

like, you know, like I pull your

9:18

pants down and drop my knees

9:21

in front of you and I

9:23

truly can't decide whether I want

9:25

to take you into my mouth or

9:27

slip my fingers inside you. I

9:29

think I'll make you beg for

9:32

whatever you want first, right?

9:34

And then they can... go

9:36

from there with whichever thing

9:38

feels hotter to them and

9:41

you're not making assumptions and

9:43

they're engaging in the conversation

9:45

and it is more of a

9:47

choose your own adventure style of

9:49

sexting that might open them up

9:52

to the idea that sexting is

9:54

a thing that they can be

9:56

fun and that they can feel

9:58

sexy while doing and you know,

10:00

gradually, hopefully, if this is a

10:02

thing that is exciting to them,

10:04

they will become more confident and

10:06

take on a more active role

10:08

in the conversation and add more

10:10

to the story that you are

10:12

building together. And getting to that

10:14

point can be explicit or implicitly

10:16

depending on your report and your

10:18

relationship and whatever. Yeah, I was

10:20

thinking about, like, I wonder if

10:22

there's a type of person for

10:24

whom sexting in a role play

10:26

kind of mode might be easier

10:28

than sexting as themselves. Like, if

10:30

some of their reticence is about,

10:32

like, well, I'm not the type

10:35

of person who uses words like

10:37

that, you know, on some level,

10:39

sometimes playing a character might be

10:41

helpful for that. And then that

10:43

was also leading me to think,

10:45

like, like, I wonder if there's

10:47

also a type of person who

10:49

might be benefited who might be

10:51

benefited by, like, like, like, like,

10:53

like, like, means of communicating with

10:55

your partner so that you're not.

10:57

Yeah I think that for role

10:59

plays and even not for role

11:01

plays it could potentially be helpful

11:03

because I know that I've sometimes

11:05

had weird feelings about like we

11:07

were just having a normal conversation

11:09

about like groceries or whatever and

11:11

now we're trying to switch into

11:13

sexy language and it's like I

11:15

don't quite know how to like

11:17

make that shift and I think

11:19

that there's like certain sort of

11:21

like when you know, you might

11:23

send someone out of the room

11:25

at the start of a kink

11:27

scene and then they come back

11:29

in head space. I think that

11:31

like making a shift to a

11:33

different app or a different medium

11:35

of some kind could be helpful

11:37

in the same kind of way.

11:39

Yeah, I think what's really interesting

11:41

about what you're talking about, is

11:43

you're talking about like digital and

11:45

emotional context for the situation, I

11:47

think, like... collaboratively telling a

11:50

story together, right? Like what if

11:52

we build a fantasy together, like

11:54

want to play a little game?

11:57

Do you think it would be

11:59

like? You know that

12:01

choose your own adventure thing that I

12:03

was talking about right you could gamify

12:06

it a little bit more you could

12:08

like Listen a lot of our

12:10

audiences neuro divergent right like giving

12:12

a structure to a thing telling

12:14

someone we're going to sex and

12:17

this is what it's gonna look

12:19

like and it's not this scary

12:21

thing called sexting. It's actually this

12:23

like collaborative storytelling thing or this

12:25

like little fantasy thing or like you

12:28

know Can we like build a story

12:30

that I am going to go do

12:32

some sexy thing with later and come

12:34

back as a part of a kink

12:36

scene we'll do in person or whatever,

12:38

right? Yeah. A reason and a

12:40

container to do this thing that

12:43

feels like a container that can

12:45

climb into. And I'll also echo

12:47

something that we said in the last

12:49

episode about vulnerability, which

12:51

is that... I think any time

12:54

you're asking somebody to do something vulnerable

12:56

or answer a vulnerable question in a

12:58

sexual or romantic context, and even outside

13:00

of those contexts, I think it's good

13:02

to offer a little bit of that

13:04

vulnerability yourself, like in advance of them

13:06

responding to that, as like a show

13:08

of goodwill, you know, like as a

13:10

show of like... I am in this

13:12

with you and I recognize that what

13:14

I'm asking or asking you to do

13:17

or whatever is vulnerable and so I'm

13:19

gonna step out on a limb with

13:21

that as well and so I think

13:23

that sometimes when people ask

13:25

questions like what do you want me

13:28

to do to you like it can

13:30

seem like a great sex and in

13:32

some ways it is like it's good

13:34

to get information from somebody, but it's

13:36

also, you're not giving any information of

13:38

your own about what you would like

13:40

to do. You're not being vulnerable in

13:42

that particular way. And I think that

13:44

what you just described about like offering

13:46

a few different options is such a great

13:49

way of doing that where you're like, what

13:51

do you want me to do to you? Here's

13:53

like two or three things that I can think

13:55

of, but like what's on your mind. Right.

13:57

Right. Like I'm currently fantasizing about this.

13:59

and this, or I usually love doing

14:02

XYZ, right? Kind of offers them a

14:04

multiple choice avenue to continue the

14:06

story with. And it also offers

14:08

examples of the kind of thing that

14:10

you're asking about, because sometimes when somebody asked

14:12

me that question, maybe they think that

14:14

I'm gonna say, like, I want you to

14:17

kiss me really slowly, or maybe they

14:19

think that I'm gonna say, I want you

14:21

to step on me and spit on my

14:23

faith. And it's like. If you set

14:25

the tone a little bit of the kinds

14:28

of things that you're asking about, that

14:30

could be helpful for the person.

14:32

Yeah, yeah, I agree. I want

14:34

to transition us into like the

14:36

next chunk I think of the

14:38

episode I want to talk about

14:40

like multimedia sexting broadly, so we're

14:43

going to talk about like voice

14:45

notes and... sending pictures and little

14:47

video clips and that sort of

14:49

thing. But before we get there,

14:51

I want to briefly address a

14:54

question someone dropped in the discord

14:56

asking if we were parents, how

14:58

would we talk about internet safety

15:00

regarding this? And first of all,

15:02

we're not, so the fuck do we

15:05

know, but we do give language to this

15:07

a lot. So I thought we might as

15:09

well. to take a decent step at

15:11

it. Yeah, I mean, one of

15:13

the reasons that I don't especially

15:15

plan on being a parent is

15:17

that I think issues like this

15:19

are so thorny and difficult to

15:22

get correct and easy to fuck

15:24

up. But one thing that does

15:26

come to mind is teaching

15:28

a child from a young age

15:30

in many different ways that they

15:32

have agency over their own body

15:35

and that their consent matters and

15:37

stuff because I think that that

15:39

makes it easier to recognize

15:41

when their boundaries are being

15:43

overstepped, whether in person or

15:45

digitally or what have you.

15:48

I also think it's good to communicate

15:51

that like anything you put on

15:53

the internet in any form, like...

15:55

could be released. I don't know

15:57

that that's like a particularly easy

15:59

thing. to convey to a kid

16:01

or to get a kid to

16:04

understand. Like the idea of that

16:06

something could last forever. Frankly. Well

16:09

but kids what I mean is

16:11

like if you say to a

16:13

kid like that'll last your whole

16:16

life it'll last forever. Like I

16:18

could see when I was younger

16:20

thinking like well no it won't

16:23

or like that won't matter or

16:25

whatever but it's like they don't

16:28

have a concept of like whatever

16:30

means. Yeah. even my generation did.

16:32

Yeah. Yeah, I don't have kids.

16:35

I have younger siblings and remember

16:37

being a kid and I, my

16:39

general approach to kids is, my

16:42

memory of being a child is

16:44

that I hated when adults treated

16:47

me like a fucking child. So

16:49

I try to avoid doing that

16:51

as much as possible and I

16:54

think kids are capable of understanding.

16:57

I don't think most of the

16:59

world is as complicated as we

17:01

think it is. I think we

17:04

can break down concepts, like a

17:06

lot of concepts for kids in

17:08

an understandable way. I think you're

17:10

right, things like the scope of

17:13

forever and what it will ever

17:15

feel like to be an adult

17:17

and what the opinions of their

17:19

future self will have. No fucking

17:22

clue until you've lived it. But

17:24

I do think like you were

17:26

saying ideas like consent and things

17:28

are things we can instilling kids

17:31

in a young age And I

17:33

think allowing all of this to

17:35

be an open dialogue as just

17:37

a thing talked about in your

17:40

home is a big part of

17:42

helping kids feel safe I mean

17:44

even just discussing things with the

17:46

adults when they have questions, right?

17:50

Like you were saying allowing kids

17:52

access to the information right that

17:54

like things gone on the internet

17:56

You know how you'd save pictures

17:58

from the internet other people do

18:00

that whatever right? You know people

18:02

can save from your messages. We

18:04

talk about like trust in all

18:06

of these other ways. Sexing someone

18:08

is a particular kind of intimacy

18:10

just like having sex with someone

18:12

in person is a particular kind

18:14

of intimacy and you want to

18:16

have a particular level of trust

18:18

for that right? You are underage

18:20

presumably if we are talking about

18:22

talking to kids about this right?

18:24

That comes with insane legal consequences

18:27

right now. I'm not going to,

18:29

like, I'm not here to debate

18:31

whether people under 18 have sexualities,

18:33

right? But they are not allowed

18:35

to in digital spaces right now.

18:37

That is, the consequences of that

18:39

are dire. And a 15-year-old is

18:41

capable of hearing that, like, is

18:43

capable of saying, like, no, like,

18:45

in the same way, I don't

18:47

know, I would talk to a

18:49

15-year-old gay kid in 1980 about

18:51

condoms. Right. you will be facing

18:53

all kinds of legal prosecution if

18:55

you do this in any sort

18:57

of way with people that we

18:59

don't you can't trust enough to

19:01

keep this between the two of

19:03

you. Yeah, absolutely. And I think

19:06

that framing it as a legal

19:08

concern can be a good way

19:10

to sort of sidestep shaming, which

19:12

is really what you want to

19:14

avoid here. And when you were

19:16

talking about like keeping an open

19:18

dialogue, like I think that that's

19:20

a really important part of it

19:22

too, is like being the sort

19:24

of parent who they know they

19:26

can come to you and talk

19:28

to you about this stuff, even

19:30

tell you if they kind of

19:32

did a dumb thing or fucked

19:34

up and you won't shame them,

19:36

especially in a sex shame way,

19:38

which... really sticks with people, really

19:40

fucks them up. And like I

19:42

had a friend in high school

19:44

who her parents kept like a

19:47

bowl of condoms under the bathroom

19:49

sink and they were like, you

19:51

can take as many as you

19:53

want, we will restock them, no

19:55

questions asked. And I always thought

19:57

that that was such a wonderful

19:59

approach, not only because it's like

20:01

very practical and your kid gets

20:03

condoms and doesn't have to feel awkward

20:05

about it or pay for them themselves

20:07

but also because it signals like I

20:09

am the type of parent who like

20:12

if you were having a pregnancy scare

20:14

or something of that sort you could

20:16

come to me and ask me and

20:18

ask me stuff and like I would come

20:20

to me and ask me stuff and like

20:22

I would hope that if I ever was

20:25

a parent that I would be judged for

20:27

that and that I would want to help

20:29

them. solve the problem but also

20:31

like deal with the emotional fallout

20:33

of that. Yeah and I think

20:36

another big part of that is

20:38

giving them examples of what that

20:40

conversation might look like by talking

20:42

about other instances of this right

20:45

this is a plot point in

20:47

episodes of law and order or

20:49

CSI or whatever it's gonna come

20:51

up on the news you're gonna

20:53

scroll past things on their feed

20:55

right like There are going

20:57

to be opportunities to encounter

21:00

the concept of sexting to

21:02

con to encounter the idea

21:05

of revenge porn to

21:07

encounter All of this right

21:09

and the way you talk

21:11

about those situations tells your

21:13

child the way you will

21:15

talk to them when they

21:17

are in that situation exactly

21:19

exactly and you might be

21:21

saying no because if it was my

21:23

child I would feel that that no

21:26

that the way you're talking about those

21:28

situations is telling them the way

21:30

that you will talk to them

21:32

when they come to you yeah

21:34

so that is your test run

21:36

that's your audition and that's your

21:38

opportunity to make sure your child

21:40

is aware of your ethics regardless

21:42

of what like you couldn't believe

21:44

as hard as you want that

21:46

this kid can come to you

21:48

about anything But until you have

21:50

talked about that thing in front

21:53

of them in other ways and

21:55

talked about mistakes with those things

21:58

in other ways, they don't. Have

22:00

any concept for what that could look

22:02

like, you know, yeah, and also because

22:04

like there's so much shaming about these

22:06

topics in society at large So if

22:08

you want them to not feel ashamed

22:10

you have to actually counteract that And

22:12

I was just telling my mom recently that

22:15

it was really meaningful and helpful to me

22:17

that all throughout my childhood pretty much

22:19

whenever there was like a gay storyline or

22:21

character in anything we were watching together she

22:24

would be like, just so you know, like,

22:26

if either you two were gay, me

22:28

and my brother, we would love you and

22:30

it would be completely fine. Like, she would

22:32

make a point to say this pretty often,

22:34

I don't think she had any particular

22:37

reason to suspect that we would be

22:39

queer, but it was clearly really important

22:41

to her that we know that, and

22:43

it really, really helped me come out.

22:45

Like, that was massive. Yeah, and I

22:47

don't know if this is how it

22:49

went in your family, but I could

22:52

easily see the two kids on the

22:54

receiving end of that. Like either being

22:56

like, ugh, mom, or like turning it

22:58

into a joke, or like, yeah, we

23:01

know, you say it all the

23:03

time, especially now when there

23:05

are constantly, there are so many

23:07

more gay people on TV. Love

23:09

this, for us, and also like.

23:12

I could fully see that becoming

23:14

an inside joke around the house

23:16

and like fucking good. Yeah. That

23:18

should be the broken record thing

23:20

they've heard a zillion times. Yeah.

23:22

Great. My kids make fun of

23:24

me for being so supportive like

23:27

and they're gonna remember

23:29

that and also like that's the

23:31

joke that their friends are gonna

23:33

hear when they're around the house

23:35

and like you know like fine

23:37

become a caricature of the like gay

23:40

ally mom thing. Great. Good. Yeah, advertise.

23:42

Anyway, fun shit. So I think we

23:44

teased this in the last episode a

23:46

little bit by you were talking about

23:48

how much, or maybe we just talked

23:50

about this off mic when we were

23:52

just talking about sexting. I got a

23:54

cat only knows at this point, but

23:56

you're talking about how much you love

23:58

voice notes for sexting. now, which I

24:01

frankly have just been using

24:03

them more for my texting

24:05

in general because it suits

24:07

my communication style more, but

24:09

like, yeah, for sexting in

24:12

particular, I could see that

24:14

really changing the game. Talk

24:16

to me about like what you

24:18

really enjoy about them. Yeah,

24:20

there's a bunch of reasons. I

24:22

mean, I think sexually I'm a

24:25

very auditory person overall. I love

24:27

a good audio erotica. I tend

24:29

to turn off porn if the

24:31

audio is gone or overpowered by

24:33

music because it just doesn't really

24:36

do that much for me. I

24:38

really like people's voices. I really

24:40

like hearing dirty talks during sex

24:42

and hearing moans and noises and

24:44

things. On a practical level. One of

24:47

the issues that I often have with

24:49

sexting when I'm actually trying to jerk

24:51

off to it or during it is

24:53

that it kind of slows to a

24:55

drip at the moment when you most

24:58

need it to not do that because

25:00

people are jerking it real hard and

25:02

are not. picking up their phones. Only

25:04

so many thumbs. Right, and it's like

25:06

that's kind of the moment where you

25:08

want like more stimulation probably and both

25:11

of you maybe are like in a

25:13

position to give it. And so I

25:15

do like that voice memos maybe make

25:17

that a little bit easier. I definitely

25:19

find it easier to like hold down

25:21

a voice memo button and like talk

25:24

into it or moan into it than

25:26

to like you know wipe the loop

25:28

off both my hands so I can

25:30

type with both thumbs which is super

25:33

annoying if you're constantly doing it. As

25:35

I'm sure many of you know from

25:37

person experience And I also think that

25:39

like as a submissive in a bottom

25:41

Sometimes a voice memo can convey something

25:44

that a text cannot because I can

25:46

say on the other side of flash

25:48

too, but true true. Yeah, I can say

25:50

in a text like I giggled at

25:52

that or that may be moan or

25:55

whatever or that made me whimper, but

25:57

it's like a lot of domes and

25:59

tops want to know how specifically

26:01

did you whimper like what kind

26:03

of whimper was it like and

26:06

I think that yeah voice moments

26:08

give you a lot more information

26:10

in that regard. Yeah, for sure.

26:12

And there is something about not

26:14

having to confront your own face

26:16

or voice afterwards as much. Like

26:18

with videos and pictures, you do

26:20

have to take a second of

26:23

reviewing them or whatever before you

26:25

send it. And that requires a

26:27

different level of confidence that I

26:29

don't always have. I cannot listen

26:31

back to my voice notes. That's

26:33

my only complaint about telegram. If

26:35

I... happen to for no reason

26:38

whatsoever be really listening to a

26:40

voice note from another person that

26:42

I have already replied to I

26:44

get attacked by my own voice

26:46

immediately afterwards because it just continues

26:48

down the conversation hate it's bad

26:50

time they should have a sexting

26:53

mode where it doesn't do that

26:55

I should have a loop button

26:57

is what they should have but

26:59

I'm a fucking pervert anyway But

27:01

no, you're right. I think like

27:03

they're really great for tone of

27:05

voice both for on the bottom

27:08

side of slash and for topping

27:10

things, right? I think it just

27:12

conveys an extra level of importance

27:14

also like the timing in which

27:16

you choose to use them I

27:18

feel like also conveys a like

27:20

so if you're doing a DSE

27:22

thing sending someone a command via

27:25

text versus a command coming via

27:27

voice note, it's gonna feel so

27:29

much more potent When it comes

27:31

as a voice noted, it's going

27:33

to feel like this is a

27:35

particularly important command, right, or a

27:37

particularly sexy one, or I want

27:40

you to know exactly how my

27:42

voice sounds when I say this,

27:44

so you know exactly how serious

27:46

I am about it, or whatever.

27:48

And it can also convey a

27:50

kind of desperation, wherein like, can't

27:52

answer this with my hands, but

27:55

you're getting a voice note, so

27:57

here are the things that I

27:59

have to say about it. Whether

28:01

that's because I am jerking off

28:03

whether that's because I'm in the

28:05

middle of another thing and I

28:07

deeply want to tell you the

28:10

sexy thing anyway. There's also something

28:12

fun about forcing someone to send

28:14

information in a voice note rather

28:16

than a text, right? I want

28:18

you to tell me. I know,

28:20

right? You can kind of up

28:22

the stakes a little bit from

28:24

like, I want you to tell

28:27

me, you know, what the last

28:29

thing that made you come was,

28:31

described to me the porn you

28:33

were watching. Like, I don't know,

28:35

you could be in the middle

28:37

of... talking to someone and be

28:39

like, oh you were watching porn

28:42

and jerking off last night, I

28:44

want you to describe to me

28:46

the porn you were watching, and

28:48

I want you to send it

28:50

in a voice note, not a

28:52

text, right? I want to hear

28:54

you say those words. There is

28:57

just... Yeah, I can't think of

28:59

any other word other than potency,

29:01

like there's just more potency to

29:03

it, you know? Yeah, it's more

29:05

expressive and... Yeah. I think sometimes

29:07

when I'm texting it could start

29:09

to feel like I'm not talking

29:12

to an actual person and hearing

29:14

their voice reminds me like no

29:16

this is an actual human who's

29:18

like actually turned on by me

29:20

right now which is cool. Yeah

29:22

and when it comes in between

29:24

a series of mostly texts it

29:27

feels like emphasis. Like bigger than

29:29

an exclamation point or a bold

29:31

or something like that. And when

29:33

the conversation slips into just voice

29:35

notes back and forth, it feels

29:37

like slipping into this kind of

29:39

space between text and phone call

29:41

of intimacy. We're like, no, we

29:44

are both kind of in the

29:46

room having this conversation right now.

29:48

Maybe doing one other thing, but

29:50

not really like. This conversation is

29:52

holding a chunk of our focus

29:54

and we're answering sort of in

29:56

real time. Yeah. That other thing

29:59

might be jerking. off right or

30:01

you know whatever else or not

30:03

like it's also fun if that

30:05

other thing is like work or

30:07

something yeah but it is

30:10

still an added degree of

30:12

like presence and immediacy and

30:14

vulnerability yeah and I know

30:16

you talk a lot about phone

30:19

sex so I was curious if

30:21

you could kind of briefly

30:23

touch on the difference between

30:26

exchanging voice notes and phone

30:28

sex like do they feel very similar

30:30

to you or like quite distinct? I think

30:32

that the main way in which they are

30:35

distinct is that probably a lot

30:37

more people would be anxious about

30:39

phone sex I think because with a voice

30:41

memo you could like re-record it if

30:43

you need to or if you're not

30:45

happy with that sounds you could also

30:47

like listen to it back immediately and

30:49

be like how do I feel about

30:52

that? And in phone sex you don't

30:54

have any of that like but for

30:56

me it actually in some ways is

30:58

like better for anxiety because like I

31:00

don't have the ability to access everything.

31:02

Yeah, so like really kind of depends

31:05

on your brain I think but I

31:07

think the main thing for me is that

31:09

phone sex solves that problem

31:11

that I mentioned earlier about sexting

31:13

kind of slowing down the more

31:15

turned on both people get or the

31:17

more that both people are focusing on

31:20

jerking off. I feel like it helps

31:22

me stay very connected to my partner

31:24

at those moments, which are the hottest

31:26

moments to me and to a lot

31:28

of people, is like leading up to

31:30

orgasm or high levels of arousal at

31:32

the very least. And it just feels

31:35

more connective, it feels more like we're in

31:37

the same room. And I think that with a

31:39

voice memo, you always have to consciously

31:41

decide to make it, right? And you're

31:43

consciously deciding when you start it and

31:45

when you end it. And so there's

31:47

some... natural spontaneous reactions that just will

31:50

never be captured like that certain gasps

31:52

or giggles that I make when I

31:54

read a text for the first time

31:56

I'm not going to be able to

31:58

recreate whereas if someone says something filthy

32:00

to me during phone sex and

32:02

I have a strong reaction to

32:04

it. They get to hear that

32:06

reaction immediately and I can't censor

32:08

it at all, which is kind

32:10

of hot for me in a

32:12

submissive way. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah,

32:14

I used to think I wouldn't

32:16

really be that into phone sex

32:18

and then I don't know, my

32:20

partner is very very good at

32:22

it, but also I think I

32:24

just recognized that it actually works

32:26

better with my sexuality because I

32:28

am so auditory. Yeah, that all

32:30

makes a ton of sense and

32:32

I think sexting voice notes and

32:34

phone sex definitely kind of exist

32:36

on the spectrum Where I think

32:38

sometimes Maybe even it would be

32:40

ideal for towards the end of

32:42

that sexting conversation when you're getting

32:44

to a point if you're both

32:46

getting off right if that if

32:48

it's that kind of sexting that

32:51

you would transition to a phone

32:53

call and if that is not

32:55

a thing you regularly do, like

32:57

the process of getting on the

32:59

phone is that extra hurdle where

33:01

you wind up in these just

33:03

like kind of voice notes back

33:05

and forth, right? Yeah. But anyway,

33:07

the reason I am saying that

33:09

is because I am getting lost

33:11

in thinking about the ways that

33:13

that parallel mirrors the

33:15

slow buildup to sex in in-person dynamics, right?

33:17

If you are in the middle of a

33:19

date at like just around the house where

33:22

you can just gradually work up to having

33:24

sex with one another. I think I'm constantly

33:26

fascinated by the process of replicating that in

33:28

digital spaces. And less fascinated by the process

33:31

of replicating it and more fascinated by how.

33:33

many people fail to do that. And you

33:35

know we've talked before about the joke about

33:37

like jumping into someone's DM's the first time

33:39

you've ever spoken to them feeling like pulling

33:42

a stranger into a closet at a party

33:44

and being like let's talk. Yeah I need

33:46

to talk to you. I have some information

33:48

for you. No, actually, it is pulling them

33:50

into the closet going, hi. What's up? But

33:53

I do think there is a sexting equivalent

33:55

of just going for someone's clit, which is

33:57

like probably the non, the like random dick

33:59

pick. And I think there is an art

34:02

to the buildup of. tension and following that

34:04

cadence of what sex might feel like in

34:06

person with this kind of gradual increase in

34:08

intensity both in what you were describing and

34:10

in the ways that you were describing it

34:13

and I think adding more voice notes as

34:15

you reach this like more intense point is

34:17

is part of that. One other thing I'll

34:19

say about audio is that if we're talking

34:21

about like a long distance situation where maybe

34:24

you haven't met this person in person but

34:26

you're going to, I think audio for me

34:28

at least does a better job of helping

34:30

me bridge that gap mentally. so that it

34:33

doesn't feel quite so jarring and weird when

34:35

you do meet in person because for me

34:37

a huge part of that when that's gone

34:39

wrong in the past is like wow this

34:41

person's voice sounds really different from what I

34:44

was expecting and hearing in my head and

34:46

that's just kind of jarring and strange and

34:48

I think that it's sort of a good

34:50

middle ground there. Yeah. All right so we're

34:52

talking about sexting we obviously do need to

34:55

talk about nudes before we wrap up up

34:57

right? Before I do that, though, I want

34:59

to talk about pictures that aren't nudes, that

35:01

are really great additions to sexting. I read

35:04

a blog post about this like a while

35:06

back, and I, literally years and years and

35:08

years ago. I remember it, it was good.

35:10

Thank you. It was one of the ones

35:12

I still think of, because I think it

35:15

is... a useful thing to think about that

35:17

people don't talk about. We think about if

35:19

I am sending a photo while sexting, it

35:21

is of my holes probably or my tits

35:23

or what whatever, and I

35:26

have to feel comfortable

35:28

taking a picture of

35:30

that and for some

35:32

people that's super vulnerable,

35:35

but you can still

35:37

share photos that add

35:39

like you can still

35:41

add a visual element

35:43

to your sexting exchange

35:46

and still share that

35:48

intimacy and that connection

35:50

or whatever without doing

35:52

something that feels wildly

35:54

vulnerable. So what comes

35:57

to mind first for

35:59

you when I, I

36:01

mean I can also

36:03

offer. Yeah, well, I

36:06

mean, I already mentioned

36:08

hand pics, but that

36:10

really is the first

36:12

thing that comes to

36:14

mind for me and

36:17

I think it's funny

36:19

in a way that

36:21

like probably especially a

36:23

lot of the cis

36:25

men who I have

36:28

sexted with may not

36:30

know that like their

36:32

hands or their fingers

36:34

are much more likely

36:37

going to get me

36:39

off than their dick

36:41

like and that's part

36:43

of why I like

36:45

probably find those photos

36:48

sexier than dick pics

36:50

in many cases. I

36:52

mean, the other reason

36:54

is that I've just

36:56

received way too many

36:59

unsolicited dick pics. But

37:02

yeah, hands, arms, I

37:04

love them. I've

37:07

also sometimes sent somebody a shot

37:09

of like the sex toys that

37:11

I either just used or I'm

37:13

about to use while thinking about

37:15

them or whatever, because sometimes you

37:17

get like a post session shot

37:19

with like calm all over the

37:21

toy where some people really, really

37:24

love. Come puddles are great. Yes,

37:26

squirt puddles. I love a good

37:28

wink, selfie, maybe a bit of

37:30

a smirk or a lip bite

37:32

if you're having a bit of

37:34

a flirty moment that that fits

37:36

into. And

37:39

then I've occasionally gotten a text from a

37:41

partner where it's like they're out at a restaurant

37:43

and they would like take a photo of

37:45

like an empty chair and be like wish you

37:47

were here, which kind of makes me think

37:49

like, is there like a sexual equivalent of that

37:51

where you like take a photo of like,

37:53

you know, the empty bed next to you or

37:55

whatever? It was

37:58

literally just perfect transit.

38:00

into what I was going to talk about

38:02

because that is one of my

38:04

favorite genres for these is taking

38:06

a photo of a chair or

38:08

something and being like thinking about

38:10

bending you over this thinking about

38:12

you know even just like photo of

38:15

your boots with your feet up and

38:17

saying like thinking about you kneeling

38:19

at my feet here thinking about

38:21

whatever a lot of these are topy

38:23

side of things for reasons I'm not

38:25

going to say on the pie. Yeah,

38:28

I think like you were talking about toys

38:30

that you were about to use also toys

38:33

that you would like to use next time

38:35

you are with them Things that you would

38:37

like to hit them with whether they're

38:39

toys or not right taking a picture

38:41

of like I pass a bunch of little

38:43

like alleys and cubbies on my way

38:46

home between like row homes and stuff

38:48

and taking a picture of one of

38:50

those and saying like thinking about sucking

38:52

your cock at down this alley or

38:54

something like that right like I love

38:56

photos where you're like this is the

38:58

setting fill in the fantasy with us

39:00

here doing this. This is the idea

39:02

I have, but this is where I'm

39:04

imagining it happening. This is the bathroom

39:07

stall I want to drag you in

39:09

or into or the locker room I want

39:11

to fuck you in or you know whatever.

39:13

That's so connective, yeah, creating

39:15

a literal shared imagination space.

39:18

Yeah. That reminded me of...

39:20

Something funny that happened to me in my 20s, which was like I

39:22

bought like one of those like leather paddles And I like took a photo

39:24

of it immediately in the sex shop and texted it to the sky who

39:26

I was seeing and I was like I want you to use this on

39:28

me But it was like kind of a the lighting in the shop was

39:30

like really low and it was sort of hard to tell what was going

39:33

on in the photo and he was domy and he texted me back He

39:35

was like, I'm not sure I know how to but I know how to

39:37

but I will try but I will try but I will try but I

39:39

will try. And I will try. And I was like I was like one

39:41

of like one of like one of like one of like one of like

39:43

one of like one of like one of like one of like one of

39:45

like one of like one of like one of like one of like Surely

39:48

he knows how to use a paddle, right? Like what? And then when I

39:50

finally like talked to him about it, he was

39:52

like, oh, I thought it was a dill

39:54

though. Like I could not tell that was

39:56

a paddle, but like a weirdly shaped dilda.

39:59

Oh my God. That actually does

40:01

transition to like my first biggest

40:03

tip for nudes is fucking lighting.

40:05

Like truly not only like it

40:07

makes your photos look so much

40:09

better just take out your cell

40:12

phone and walk around your house

40:14

with like I don't know if

40:16

you have windows with sunlight perfect

40:18

if not kick your lights on

40:20

your lights on. and experiment with

40:23

like different combinations of lighting and

40:25

literally just walk around your house

40:27

holding your phone in front of

40:29

you and look at the difference

40:31

in the way your face looks

40:34

and or your bits or whatever

40:36

and just kind of decide what

40:38

parts of your house look good

40:40

like you feel like you look

40:42

good and what couple of lights

40:45

look decent like is there a

40:47

like setting on your lights where

40:49

it's a trick I love as

40:51

I have most of my lights

40:54

in the room set to like

40:56

a low purple blue and I

40:58

can kick the lights in my

41:00

living room onto like daylight so

41:02

I have nice clean light coming

41:05

in one way and the dark

41:07

light behind me so it looks

41:09

like I am sexually taking photos

41:11

at night in my cozy dark

41:13

room but you can also see

41:16

my con which you know is

41:18

a priority of mine. experiment a

41:20

little bit at a time when

41:22

you're not actively sexting like just

41:24

for funzies just to get something

41:27

better than the grainy dark like

41:29

yeah by the light of the

41:31

TV screen dick picks that I

41:33

sometimes see like come on now

41:35

I saw the penis glow I

41:38

would it perform in that anyway

41:40

can I can I add Please

41:42

don't include a toilet in your

41:44

lewd unless that's That's like a

41:46

part of the kink that you're

41:49

doing. Yeah. I, as a person

41:51

who is not into any toilet

41:53

really kinks, find this really, it's

41:55

just, it hits a button in

41:57

my brain that's like primal that

42:00

connects to like, my brain just

42:02

like knows that that's not a

42:04

sexy thing for me. I don't

42:06

know. I've received so many dickpicks

42:08

that were like taken in a

42:11

bathroom where there's like clearly a

42:13

toilet, very. visible in the background.

42:15

It just really puts me off.

42:17

Here's the thing that is true

42:20

about toilets for people who fetishize

42:22

them and for people who don't

42:24

I think pretty broadly is that

42:26

they trigger a disgust feeling. That's

42:28

just that's one of the one

42:31

of the main feelings they evoke

42:33

and that's pretty animal. Yeah. Yeah.

42:35

It is associated with waste. Human

42:37

animals don't like that. So yeah,

42:39

unless you are fetishizing that in

42:42

whatever way, I agree, not so

42:44

much. Which also more broadly, just

42:46

be conscious of the background of

42:48

your photo. What's going on back

42:50

there? Yeah. You know, it doesn't

42:53

have to be flawless, but just

42:55

like be aware of it. There's

42:57

this romance novel I love called

42:59

Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld and

43:01

there's this scene where she gets

43:04

a text from this FWB and

43:06

it's like a dick pick but

43:08

like in the background she can

43:10

see what's on his nightstand and

43:12

I think it's like a book

43:15

by like some right-wing like businessy

43:17

guy and like a bottle of

43:19

moisturizer and it is like it's

43:21

very intimate like whatever you can

43:23

see in the background of your

43:26

photo I will probably my eye

43:28

will be drawn there because I

43:30

am naturally nosy and I want

43:32

to know what's going on but

43:34

sometimes there will be things that

43:37

are just like not flattering to

43:39

you and I do the same

43:41

thing I'm sure I've taken selfies

43:43

that have like really weird shit

43:46

in the background but like yeah

43:48

be conscious of it I do

43:50

love sometimes hiding Easter eggs back

43:52

there too like I giant deck

43:54

on my nightstand like in the

43:57

back corner of a thing. Oh,

43:59

that toy that I was getting

44:01

ready to use in a little

44:03

while? Hmm, you know, like, so

44:05

that is like, you can also

44:08

do that on purpose, but even

44:10

just baseline, be conscious of it.

44:12

That's so symptomatic of you. It's

44:14

the same energy of taking selfies

44:16

and hiding presents that I have

44:19

bought from my boyfriend in the

44:21

background. And then when the holiday

44:23

comes around showing him photos that

44:25

he has in his own phone

44:27

of the present that he didn't

44:30

know he was getting. That's amazing.

44:32

Incredible. Okay. That's my favorite way

44:34

to troll people with kindness. But

44:38

coming back to what I was

44:40

talking about with doing lighting, I

44:43

think you can do a similar

44:45

thing with angles and point of

44:47

view in just like move your

44:50

camera around a little bit. Just

44:52

be curious about what different angles

44:54

do for your body. Because I

44:57

think like, frankly... probably a lot

44:59

of really awful nudes are explained

45:01

by people wanting to look at

45:04

them for as little a time

45:06

as possible and just might take

45:08

his in frame and snapped great

45:11

this is the this is where

45:13

I opened the camera and vaguely

45:15

the position it is cool you're

45:18

so right you're so right you're

45:20

so right you're so right you're

45:22

so right you're so right because

45:24

so many times when I've received

45:27

a terrible dick I'm like how

45:29

did this person look at this

45:31

and think that this was okay

45:34

and it's like well they probably

45:36

A camera cat captures a, frankly,

45:38

kind of distorted a replication of

45:41

what our eyes see, looking at

45:43

an object at an exact point

45:45

in time from an exact angle.

45:48

That's it. Yeah. They don't capture

45:50

what you look like. They don't

45:52

capture how hot you are. They

45:55

don't capture your soul. I know

45:57

1800 scandal here we are. But

45:59

no. Exactly though. So like getting

46:02

comfortable with that and

46:04

getting comfortable with

46:06

experimenting with a couple

46:08

of different angles of what you

46:11

might look like is gonna A make

46:13

you feel better about the nudes you

46:15

send and B make your nudes look

46:17

a hell of a lot better. And

46:19

I can tell the difference. I can

46:21

tell like. I

46:24

can tell on dating apps

46:26

and grinder and shit when

46:28

people send me pictures.

46:30

Oh, this person has put, has

46:32

done this, has done some

46:34

kind of hobbyist only fan

46:36

thing, only fan thing, or

46:38

sex a lot, or whatever.

46:40

Like this is a person

46:42

who has put literally

46:44

any decent amount of

46:47

thought into taking dick picks.

46:49

You stand out wildly. And

46:51

not just stick bikes, like

46:53

nudes in general, right? Fucking,

46:55

if you're taking pictures of

46:57

your ass, arch, please, arch your

47:00

low back, lift your ass so

47:02

we can see that wonderful little,

47:04

like, curve of the bottom of

47:06

your ass, that bit where you

47:08

want to put your hand to

47:10

just, just gently cup the butt.

47:13

I want to see it, lift

47:15

your ass so I can see

47:17

it, thank you, like you are

47:19

getting fucked. It will look so

47:21

much better. I used to have

47:24

a sexting pal who was a

47:26

photographer professionally, not a sexy

47:28

photographer, but every nude

47:30

that they sent me was

47:32

a fucking work of art.

47:34

Like it would be a

47:36

sexy ass nude, but it

47:39

would be like framed so

47:41

beautifully and the lighting would

47:43

be perfect and it would

47:45

feel like it was like

47:47

saying something. It was just like,

47:49

whoa. having a creative mind about it,

47:52

again, putting it into, I am photographing

47:54

a thing. This could look good. I think

47:56

that's also a thing that doesn't occur to

47:58

some people when taking nudes. they're like,

48:00

no, I'm just taking a nude

48:02

of what I look like. This

48:04

is a photo of my tips.

48:06

It is going to look like

48:08

my tips. No, this is an

48:10

art form. You don't have to

48:12

take it super seriously. You don't

48:15

have to be like, you know,

48:17

I can go into the 9s

48:19

with fancy camera and all of

48:21

these things. But like, it can

48:23

be done artfully and with thought.

48:26

And I think one of the

48:28

easiest ways. to upgrade Just

48:30

a basic ass nude and I

48:32

think the first time I saw

48:34

this advice was on like rate

48:37

my dick pick that tumbler back

48:39

in the day But add your

48:41

hand to the picture somewhere

48:43

Whether it is like yeah

48:45

gives you some kind of

48:48

perspective right it gives you

48:50

it draws the eye to

48:52

something it shows where your

48:54

attention is it brings the

48:56

viewer's attention there it makes

48:59

the viewer imagine their own

49:01

hand there. It makes the

49:03

viewer imagine your hand on

49:05

them in ways like it

49:07

just adds Something slightly dynamic

49:09

to it. What would it be like

49:12

to touch you there in that way

49:14

all of that? Yeah, and that is

49:16

like If it's a dick pick, yeah,

49:18

maybe you're grabbing your dick or whatever

49:20

or like you have it like around

49:22

your balls or whatever. Maybe it's just

49:24

sitting on your thigh, right? Maybe

49:26

it's grabbing your thigh a little

49:29

bit tightly if you're taking pictures

49:31

of your tits. Maybe you're cutting

49:33

pictures of your tits. Maybe you're

49:35

cupping your tit or playing with

49:37

your nipple, like just kind of

49:40

teasing the area between your tits

49:42

or whatever. It's just bringing the

49:44

eye somewhere and... Yeah,

49:48

inspiring the imagination I guess Yeah, one

49:50

thing I like to do along similar lines

49:52

is like if I'm wearing panties I'll

49:54

like dip a couple of fingers into

49:56

the waistband as if to suggest that I'm

49:58

going to go down further with which I

50:00

think, like, hopefully, like, puts the

50:02

viewer in mind of wanting to

50:05

do that themselves. And that is

50:07

a good point for, like, pictures

50:09

that aren't nudes that we fully

50:11

didn't even talk about. You can

50:14

take teasing photos of your body,

50:16

too, right? Yeah, otherwise known

50:18

as dudes. Yeah, exactly. A

50:20

shirt lifted up a little bit, right?

50:23

Hinting at any number of

50:25

things is also really fucking

50:27

hot. And, like... I

50:29

don't know, I stare at naked

50:31

people all the time for

50:33

my job and a slightly

50:36

racy photo from someone

50:38

I have a crush

50:40

on is way more

50:42

exciting than a like

50:44

professionally produced. dick pick

50:46

from some celebrity. Yeah, I

50:48

agree. Celebrity dick, not an actual

50:51

celebrity who doesn't send their dick

50:53

out in the world. Also not

50:55

excited, but that's just a different

50:57

vibe. Anyway, thank you so much

50:59

for joining us for this episode

51:01

of The Dildwarks. I've been Kate

51:03

Sloan. You can find me online

51:06

at Kate writes about sex.com and

51:08

girly juice.net. I have two books

51:10

out, 101 Kinky Things, Even You

51:12

Can Do, and 200 words help

51:14

you talk about sexuality and gender.

51:16

I'm on Blue Sky at Kate

51:18

Sloan.com. I'm doing song a week again

51:20

this year. The most recent song that

51:23

I put up was called You're a

51:25

Ghost, and it's a catchy kind of

51:27

pop song about being ghosted. You

51:29

can check that out on YouTube

51:31

and band camp. Uh, yeah, where's your

51:33

stuff? I'm Billy Lohr. You can

51:36

find my porn and all the other

51:38

things that I do over at Billylohr.com.

51:40

I'm on Twitter and Instagram

51:42

at Billylohr and at Billylohr

51:45

underscore. Together were the Dildorx.

51:47

We're on Twitter and Instagram at

51:49

the Dildorx and at the

51:51

Dildorx. And at the Dildorx.com,

51:54

but most importantly, we are

51:56

at patreon.com/the Dohk. We are a

51:58

couple of bucks our way. or our

52:00

Patreon-only bonus episodes for $12 a

52:03

month. This month I think y'all

52:05

got a whole bunch of movie

52:07

opinions from me about like some

52:10

surprisingly good kink representation in movies

52:12

I think. I think they were

52:15

all kink. Yeah. Yeah, one of

52:17

the movies that we talked about

52:19

is Baby Girl, which we might

52:22

have seen. Some of the things

52:24

that I brought first to talk

52:27

about were tentacle porn, the idea

52:29

of being afraid to come, talked

52:31

a little bit about my in

52:34

progress romance novel, and about demo

52:36

bottoming, which is an important component

52:39

of said romance novel. That was

52:41

fun. That was fun. Yeah. And

52:43

I talked a little shit about

52:46

a sex toy company that... Try

52:48

to make one of those 100%

52:51

orgasm guarantees again. You know how

52:53

much I hate it when they

52:55

do that Don't do that. Don't

52:58

do that. Yeah, so check that

53:00

out at patreon.com/the Dilders. Oh, I

53:03

should also say there's a new

53:05

thing on patron where even if

53:07

you're not subscribed at that level

53:10

of support, you can actually just

53:12

buy this bonus episode as a

53:15

one-off. I forget how much it's

53:17

priced out, but it's less than

53:19

subscribing for a month would be.

53:22

So if you just want to

53:24

hear us talk about tentacle porn

53:27

and baby girl, etc., you can

53:29

just buy that one episode. Thank

53:31

you so much to our top-tier

53:34

patron supporters, D. Natalie, Amy, Ambe,

53:36

Amelia, and Todd. Thank you also

53:39

to Proto Dome who did our

53:41

theme song. Thank you to Addison

53:43

Finch who did our logo and

53:46

thank you to you for listening.

53:48

Until next time folks, get out

53:51

there and live your sexy, dorky

53:53

life. Bye, bye. joke about put

53:55

your best tit forward and then

53:58

I couldn't quite find a place

54:00

to put it. Well that's where

54:03

it goes. It goes here now.

54:05

There's also something fun about like

54:07

vote... Jesus why can't I say

54:10

the word force? I like the

54:12

word I use it a lot.

54:15

Deeply sexy word to me. Okay

54:17

so there was this guy who

54:19

was in one of my... previous

54:22

improv classes like recently but not

54:24

currently. And we're still texting. We

54:27

like kind of bonded because we're

54:29

both songwriters. It's not romantic or

54:31

sexy or flirty like at all.

54:34

Still cute. Yeah I think he's

54:36

like monogamously married. Okay. So we're

54:39

both taking classes this semester, but

54:41

different classes. So we've been texting,

54:43

like, how's your class? How's your

54:46

class going? And I wanted to

54:48

know when his showcase is so

54:51

that I can come see him

54:53

do long form. So I tried

54:55

to ask that question, but when

54:58

I wrote, which I now realize

55:00

was a mistake, was, do you

55:03

have a date for your showcase

55:05

yet, eyes emoji? Shouldn't

55:08

have done that. Shouldn't have done

55:10

that? Shouldn't have done that? I

55:12

meant, like, do you know the

55:14

date? Yeah. The date, right. Oh

55:16

my God. So did it, so

55:18

did he read it differently? Well,

55:20

he read it and then hasn't

55:22

answered it for two or three

55:24

days. Which I assume is because

55:26

he read it, the way that

55:28

I honestly probably would also read

55:30

it if I received that message

55:32

because an eyes emoji kind of

55:34

makes your mind go, or maybe

55:36

it's flirty. But I literally just

55:38

meant it to convey, like, I

55:40

would be really excited to see

55:42

you do improv. Okay, so here's

55:44

the thing. I, yeah, exactly. That,

55:46

like, if you had not framed

55:48

this as a story where you

55:50

said a weird thing, I don't

55:52

think I would have heard that

55:54

thing that way. Like, you gave

55:56

me the cadence and you eyes

55:58

emodied at me over Zoom. I

56:00

was like, okay, no, yeah, no,

56:02

that could come across some sort

56:04

of way, right, especially, but I

56:06

feel like for it to come

56:08

across that sort of way, this

56:10

person's brain has to already be

56:12

primed to either think flirty feelings

56:14

about you or feel like y'all

56:16

have been flirting or some kind

56:18

of like, like the potential of

56:20

crushiness has to already be floating

56:22

around their brain for it to

56:24

jump to that. And then if

56:26

it does, like... I could get

56:28

that feeling weird or ready, whatever.

56:30

You know the date for your

56:32

showcase, right? Yeah. You could follow

56:34

it up. Did you get it

56:36

somewhat recently? Uh, no, they were

56:38

given, like, when we signed up

56:40

for the classes. Okay, so he

56:42

almost certainly hasn't. Yeah, yeah. So,

56:44

like... Which is another reason it

56:46

was a dumb question. I don't,

56:48

I really don't know what I

56:50

was thinking. I think I just

56:52

hadn't had coffee yet. No, here's

56:54

the thing you could follow it

56:56

up with something along lines of

56:59

just asking because mine is this

57:01

date I have something else going

57:03

on on this date and I'd

57:05

love to like pin my calendar

57:07

because I want to see you

57:09

perform you did a good thing

57:11

Right and then you don't have

57:13

to say like and then they

57:15

they can realize from context. Oh,

57:17

that's what that and I read

57:19

it this other way. Okay and

57:21

like If I want to make

57:23

a flirty conversation about that or

57:25

an awkward conversation about that or

57:27

whatever, yeah, can. But I sent

57:29

a panicked like follow-up text like

57:31

about five minutes after where I

57:33

said something like, I really got

57:35

to get out and support and

57:37

see more shows, more student shows.

57:39

And I sent this to MB

57:41

and she was like, I think

57:43

that helps a lot. And I

57:45

was like, I don't know if

57:47

it does. But MB was like,

57:49

you wouldn't have a date. for

57:51

your own show right so like

57:53

it doesn't even make sense in

57:55

that in that sense and like

57:57

it's not a thing that like

57:59

it's not like do you have

58:01

a date to the school dance

58:03

where like that is a like

58:05

yeah It and especially if like

58:07

there's no reason for you to

58:09

not know that they're very married

58:11

and monogamously married. Yeah he literally

58:13

said to me like oh my

58:15

wife sitting over there when we

58:17

were at the showcase together so

58:19

like it would that's part of

58:21

why I'm infringing because like going

58:23

to the thing right exactly I'm

58:25

like if if someone interpreted this

58:27

as flirting this would be such

58:29

clumsy, horrible, overt flirting to be

58:31

doing with someone who I know.

58:33

And this person has met you.

58:35

Yeah. So like, I feel like

58:37

for them to be making that

58:39

an assumption, either A, they have

58:41

to really want to see it

58:43

there. Yeah. Or B, they have

58:45

to be blending you with some

58:47

weird preconceptions they have about poly

58:49

people because they know that you're

58:51

not monogamous. Oh, no, I don't

58:53

think so. I don't think I

58:55

mentioned that to him and I

58:57

don't think that would have come

58:59

up in the music of mine

59:01

that he's listened to. Okay, great.

59:03

So then there's not even the,

59:05

like, because that's the only other

59:07

reason that I'm like, okay, if

59:09

this person is like, I've met

59:11

this. person and here is what

59:13

I think about like sex journalists

59:15

and also what I think about

59:17

non-monogamous people so this clumsy pass

59:19

at me makes sense but again

59:21

that's all his own shit like

59:23

I yeah and absent that this

59:25

person has met you and like

59:27

if you've said anything flirty at

59:29

them or flirted at someone else

59:31

or heard you be clever doing

59:33

improv or whatever like I feel

59:35

like maybe there's a moment where

59:37

this person goes, oh, do they

59:39

ask for a date thing or

59:41

whatever? And then goes, oh, no,

59:43

that's, no, they're saying this, right,

59:45

that's just, oh, she's just, I

59:47

did, I had a brief moment

59:49

where, like, I don't know, like

59:51

fully thinking that you were asking

59:53

him on a date and not

59:55

considering any other option feels like,

59:57

like, well, feel ignorance more on

59:59

him. but like it's striking me

1:00:01

the same way as the story

1:00:03

where I was working retail at

1:00:05

Game Stop where you have the

1:00:07

fucking loyalty card in the end

1:00:10

of every transaction I go you

1:00:12

have your phone number I see

1:00:14

if you have a card in

1:00:16

here or can I get your

1:00:18

phone number so I can enter

1:00:20

to see if you have a

1:00:22

card whatever I meet several many

1:00:24

genders ago tiny little 20-something girl

1:00:26

asked some you know grown asthma

1:00:28

I was like it's your number

1:00:30

to you know for this is

1:00:32

always ever and it was like

1:00:34

I'm married and I was like

1:00:36

for the card I'm not yeah

1:00:38

I'm not suddenly hitting on you

1:00:40

we've had no other I've I've

1:00:42

run up three Xbox games I

1:00:44

don't we're not dating now what

1:00:46

did you think this what I

1:00:48

and like with the conviction that

1:00:50

I don't think he thought he

1:00:52

was making a joke like he

1:00:54

was just like excuse me like

1:00:57

Anyway, I just really hope I

1:00:59

didn't make this person feel uncomfortable

1:01:01

by not actually hitting on him.

1:01:03

Is this the first time that

1:01:05

they have taken this long to

1:01:08

reply to a thing? Like, do

1:01:10

they usually reply immediately? No, I

1:01:12

mean, it's within the realm of

1:01:14

normalcy. I think you're in the

1:01:16

clear. All right. I got to

1:01:19

release it because every time I

1:01:21

think about it I like full

1:01:23

body cringe and just tense up

1:01:25

and I'm like I have to

1:01:27

let it go. Yeah no no

1:01:30

no it okay so I can

1:01:32

understand why you as the person

1:01:34

who sent the message can see

1:01:36

it only that way and as

1:01:38

a big cringe thing or whatever

1:01:40

if anyone else saw it as

1:01:43

only that possibility and became very

1:01:45

fixated on that possibility it would

1:01:47

be weird. Yeah. If anyone else

1:01:49

reacted that way around it it

1:01:51

would be a sign of weirdness

1:01:54

and like there is there is

1:01:56

infinite other possibilities and And

1:01:58

I think most

1:02:00

people, interact with other

1:02:02

other humans with a little

1:02:04

more grace and curiosity. more

1:02:06

I think the moral

1:02:09

of the story that I

1:02:11

will take away is I

1:02:13

your eyes the wisely. of the

1:02:15

story that I Absolutely. away is use your

1:02:17

it's a powerful weapon. wisely.

1:02:19

Yes. Mm-hmm. barrel

1:02:21

to Listen, it's a

1:02:24

powerful weapon. Double barrels

1:02:26

and everything.