0:00

We're going on tour and this

0:02

is... It's been a while.

0:04

March 2025 is when our

0:06

tour is happening. First of

0:08

all, we're going to Tempe,

0:10

Arizona. Maybe our favorite city

0:12

of all time. It's the

0:14

best. That is on March

0:16

16th and then we go

0:18

to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Maybe

0:20

our favorite city ever. Truly,

0:22

we often say that it's

0:24

our number one. Yeah, it's our

0:26

number one. The best city I've ever

0:28

been to. That's on March 18th. On

0:31

March 19th, we're going to be in

0:33

Tulsa, Oklahoma. Our favorite city. Without question.

0:35

And then we head to Dallas, Texas

0:38

on March 20th. Our favorite city. There's

0:40

never been a better city. No, we're

0:42

better. If you don't like it, you're

0:44

a Dallas asshole. Thank you. And then

0:47

we go to Houston, Texas on March

0:49

23rd. by far the best city and

0:51

then we end our tour in Austin,

0:53

Texas on March 22nd at the Cap

0:56

City Comedy Club. It's the best

0:58

city. In the entire world. Number

1:00

one city in the world. You

1:03

can get tickets at dollar podcast.com

1:05

slash tour. Hi

1:12

everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

1:14

Each week we go through an

1:16

old newspaper from a random date

1:18

and history picked out by Dave

1:20

Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've

1:22

never seen it before and neither

1:24

is our guest this week. The

1:26

great run by. Hi Ron! Hello!

1:28

How's it going? How are you?

1:30

I'm doing great. Pretty good. You

1:33

know, okay. But can I just

1:35

point out the downgrade there from

1:37

a great to a pretty good

1:39

within. I started thinking about it

1:41

as I started talking. You know,

1:43

I gave you the good old phony.

1:46

I'm great. And then my head started

1:48

going like, you're not great.

1:50

You're really not great. Actually,

1:52

really bad. Yeah, hold me

1:55

please. Can you hold me?

1:57

Can I have a hug?

1:59

Well, Ron, you are a

2:02

great comedian. Wow, that was

2:04

fast. So you're doing it

2:07

already. People can go to

2:09

your website, which is

2:11

Ron Vai, Ron with

2:13

two ends, and Vai

2:15

as in thigh with

2:17

a V, would you say?

2:20

Correct, or high with a

2:22

V or sigh with a

2:24

V? Well, no, because

2:26

high with a V. No,

2:28

what? And then your

2:30

socials, your run, run,

2:33

run, yeah, exactly. So

2:35

run, run, buy. Twice

2:37

as many rounds. Twice

2:39

as many rounds. There's

2:41

another run by who

2:44

took it. I have no idea why,

2:46

but I have no idea why I do a

2:48

lot of things, except why I have

2:50

two ends in my name. Everybody

2:52

always asked that. Because when I

2:54

was 12, my bowling coach was

2:56

Kenwick two ends, and I really...

2:58

I need you to hold on,

3:00

Ron. I mean, this is sounding

3:02

very Ohio at this point. Let

3:04

us have a minute here to

3:06

just enjoy every morsel. it was

3:08

like not getting a 300 it

3:11

was like it was and he

3:13

helped me I was the 1994

3:15

New Jersey Junior Bowl over the

3:17

year so you know you know

3:20

we're talking to here what kind

3:22

of scores are we talking about

3:24

yeah my highest is a 299 oh

3:26

my god so the last frame you

3:29

the last frame I left a five

3:31

pmm oh it was like not

3:33

getting a 300 it was

3:35

like not getting a 300

3:37

Were people gathered around watching

3:40

you? Yes. Because it was

3:42

during tournament play, because I was

3:44

on the junior bowlers torque

3:46

growing up. So it was in. Have

3:48

you ever gotten a 299 again? No.

3:51

Do you ever think back to that

3:53

last frame? Yes. Do you think your

3:55

life would have been different? Yeah.

3:57

I was just like a Mr.

3:59

So the weird part is, is

4:01

that I remember, I know exactly

4:04

where I was, I was in

4:06

Stratford, New Jersey at a bowling

4:08

alley called the Martinique lanes and

4:10

it was lanes 51 and 52.

4:12

I remember all of that. And

4:14

then I clearly remember a visual

4:16

of certain girls, because everybody gathers

4:18

behind you and watches, right? And

4:21

I remember certain girls being behind

4:23

me, and I'm like, why is

4:25

that the memory I have? Because

4:27

it's clearly not what, you know.

4:29

also changed that night? Is that? I

4:31

think it might be, because I mean,

4:34

bowling is not traditionally a very

4:36

gay, well maybe lesbians, but not

4:38

a, right, not a gay man.

4:41

Not a gay man at all,

4:43

usually, but yeah, I was on the

4:45

junior blues tour, I got

4:47

a, okay, here's a fun

4:49

fact, got a partial scholarship,

4:51

the college from bowling. I got

4:54

a bowling scholarship. Okay, so

4:56

but real quick, you then

4:58

legally change your name, you

5:00

add an extra end because

5:02

it can? Yeah, so I had no

5:04

rules as a child, which means my

5:06

partner hates me now because I do

5:09

nothing, because I had no task, I

5:11

had nothing to do, and parties no

5:13

rules. My mom just let me do

5:16

whatever I want. So I was like

5:18

12, and I was like, hey,

5:20

can I be wrong with

5:22

two ends? I remember the

5:25

exact bowling alley where this

5:27

conversation took place. Oh my god.

5:29

That was in a bowling alley

5:32

too. Everything. Okay, you guys.

5:34

My other great bowling alley

5:36

story is that I almost

5:38

died choking on a Mutt

5:41

Sorella stick at a bowling alley

5:43

in low-eye New Jersey. What a

5:45

way to go. Well, here's the

5:47

problem. You know, mozzarella sticks are

5:50

like, you know, they're, they're gooey

5:52

and stringy, right? And the problem

5:54

is, is that bowling galleys are

5:56

really loud and everyone in New

5:58

Jersey is Italian. When you're doing

6:01

this with your hands, nobody

6:03

realizes that anything is wrong.

6:05

So you're just a 12-year-old

6:07

in the corner, like, flailing

6:09

around wildly justiculating, and

6:12

nobody... What happened? Who got

6:14

to you? Ken? I don't think Ken

6:16

was there that day. Okay. That wasn't

6:19

at a bowling alley that Ken

6:21

frequented. We met at a different

6:23

bowling alley. So how did you

6:26

get out of this conundrum? How

6:28

did you... I think I eventually

6:31

just like choked it up.

6:33

So fun, in other words,

6:35

you just told us two great

6:38

stories about you in

6:40

a bowling alley choking. Well,

6:42

I'll tell you what, it

6:45

was a pleasure to have

6:47

you on the show before.

6:49

The name reveal and the building

6:51

alley regalia. You know there

6:54

there is a wrong in

6:56

another dimension living the life

6:58

of the wrong who knocked

7:00

down that five pin. Yeah, he's

7:03

just banging women. for

7:06

him. Good for him. Is

7:09

that the key? Like I

7:11

would be totally straight and

7:13

like, you need deep if

7:15

I got the 300. But

7:18

leaving that five pin, it

7:20

was like one little thing

7:22

just staring back at me

7:24

and I'm like, yeah, in the

7:26

dick now. Is that how it

7:29

went? Yes. Yeah. I don't

7:31

want to just say, yeah,

7:33

but Dave's right, yes. Well, Ron,

7:35

God bless you, you're an angel.

7:37

Thank you for being here. All

7:39

right, as much as I would

7:41

honestly, and we're not gonna talk

7:43

about the mug, because it's a

7:45

top fiver, but as much as I

7:48

would love to sit here and talk

7:50

about your gutter balls, let's get into

7:52

the pot. We're gonna go through a

7:54

weird newspaper. Now, I don't know it,

7:57

you don't know it, but we're gonna

7:59

try to guess. what year it's from. You're

8:01

going to guess first because otherwise Dave will

8:03

just be, you know, a psycho. He'll make

8:05

up a whole bunch of stuff. He'll slander

8:07

me, he'll attack me, and it's going to

8:09

be a whole thing. And he'll stand there

8:11

and look like that. You have a very...

8:13

Quiet, please. You have a complex. So, Ron,

8:15

you can guess first. The oldest newspaper we've

8:17

ever done is around the 1600. I'm going

8:19

to just be your friend here and say

8:21

it's not going to not going to be from

8:23

that time. The most recent was the

8:25

year 2000. We did it with the

8:28

great Sam Sachs. But you get

8:30

to pick anywhere within there. What

8:32

year do you think this is

8:34

going to be from? Oh my god,

8:36

the pressure. It is. Gosh, I don't know.

8:39

I feel like, okay, I'm torn

8:41

between what I think it might

8:43

be and what I want it to

8:45

be. Oh, well, how about this, Ron?

8:47

Just because you really cracked open some

8:50

bowling tales. You get one of each.

8:52

Okay, this has never been done.

8:54

All right, I feel like we're

8:56

doing something maybe from like the

8:58

40s, maybe 1940s, not 18, I

9:00

think 94 days, but for whatever

9:02

reason I kind of wanted to

9:05

be like somewhere in the 80s.

9:07

Well, why, well, those are just,

9:09

you've just given us decade time

9:11

frames, which I'm not gonna bend

9:13

the rules. Oh, that's right. Oh,

9:15

I see a 40 specific. Yeah,

9:17

yeah, a year. Um, 1940

9:19

and 1985. Okay, 1940,

9:22

1985. I love the

9:24

85 guess, by the way.

9:27

I'm gonna go. I love

9:29

the 80s. I love the

9:31

80s, too. I'm gonna go,

9:33

uh, 1956. I'm gonna play

9:36

with you in the,

9:38

uh, in the upper

9:40

years. Uh, Rana's much

9:42

closer. It is 1863.

9:45

So, Ron wins. Very

9:47

close. It's got two

9:49

guesses, but okay. Well,

9:51

he won. Okay, sure. Yeah, you

9:54

lost. I'm like that

9:56

bowling alley, I won today.

9:58

That's right. Yes. We're trying

10:00

to sort of redo your life.

10:02

But let's just talk about how

10:05

I was pretty correct that Dave

10:07

would weaponize this part of the

10:09

show. I didn't weaponize

10:11

anything. And be strange about

10:13

it. Go ahead, Dave. This

10:15

is what I'm telling you

10:18

about. You've got this weird

10:20

complex about what happens during

10:22

the guessing of the thing. Dave.

10:24

Dave. Dave. You're a great loser.

10:26

Dave. The paper is, The

10:28

Union from Georgetown, Delaware, September

10:30

11th, 1863. Now, Delaware seems

10:33

boring to me now. 1863

10:35

Delaware has to just be

10:37

total shit. Well, it's the middle

10:39

of the Civil War, and the

10:41

paper is called the Union. Hmm.

10:44

Okay. Still, okay. Still shit. Well,

10:46

it's still Delaware's. You know

10:48

what I mean? Delaware during the

10:50

Civil War. Everyone was like, we

10:52

don't really care what you're thinking.

10:54

I mean in general Delaware I

10:56

grew up in New Jersey. Do

10:58

you know how many times I

11:01

had been to Delaware which is

11:03

right by New Jersey? There's a

11:05

bridge that goes to Delaware. You

11:07

know how many times I've been

11:09

there? Zero. Zero. Gutter. I've driven

11:11

through Delaware and it's pretty much

11:14

like, oh okay. I've driven through

11:16

Delaware too and it's like if

11:18

Maine had diarrhea. I mean

11:21

in New Jersey everybody's like

11:23

Delaware? That's good. That's good.

11:25

That's good. Coming hard. That's

11:27

what it was. It was

11:30

just, the first name of

11:32

the state was Della, and

11:34

then it was so odd

11:36

popular they just had

11:38

to happen. Where? Della,

11:40

where? All right, so

11:42

I don't really understand

11:44

what's happening with this

11:47

paper, but the front

11:49

page, girls who want

11:51

husbands. Boom! What we

11:53

needed women for? Girls,

11:55

you want to get married,

11:58

don't you? And what? Well,

12:00

yeah, no answer, no time for. Only

12:02

in papers in the 1860s are you

12:04

just rhetorical. But that's, but that's like,

12:06

hey, you can't get a job on

12:09

your own. You want to get married,

12:11

right? Like what else? Like, what else?

12:13

Like, it is such a no-brainer. Yeah. Like,

12:15

you can't even wear pants. Like, no.

12:17

Okay. Girls, you want to get married,

12:19

don't you? And what a natural thing

12:22

it is for ladies for ladies who

12:24

have such a hankering for the sterner

12:26

sex. By the way, written by a

12:28

man, no doubt. Right, it's got to

12:30

be. There's no woman is writing

12:33

this article. A hankering. A hankering.

12:35

A hankering. A framing man. Exactly.

12:37

I hanker a roast, I have

12:40

a hankering for a roast beef

12:42

sandwich, but not, even if I

12:44

was straight, I wouldn't have a

12:47

hankering for a woman. That just

12:49

sounds wrong. No, yeah. Can you

12:51

imagine? Putting that on like a

12:54

dating profile now or something? Oh

12:56

man, I wish I was single so

12:58

I could be on the app and

13:00

just go, I got a handker in

13:02

for some pee. I could even

13:05

say Rusby and sandwich if you

13:07

think about it. You can. Oh I

13:09

don't want to think about it, but

13:11

yeah, I'll run right. I've come to

13:13

the dark side. It is a

13:15

weakness of a woman and for

13:17

this reason she is called the

13:19

weaker sex. Oh my god, just

13:22

opening right out of the gate

13:24

with some dingers. You gotta, yeah, you

13:26

gotta frame the article, but where

13:28

everybody, so the men are the

13:30

sterner sex and the women are

13:32

the weaker sex. Yep, and they

13:34

want to marry the stern ones.

13:37

Well, if you want to get married,

13:39

don't for conscious sake, act like

13:41

fools about it. Don't go. This

13:43

is honestly, and I'm not even

13:46

trying to do the guy thing

13:48

where I'm like, I am pissed off. This

13:50

is so upsetting. So out of the

13:52

gate for it to just be this

13:54

shitty. Shut up, woman! Well, get

13:56

ready, get ready for this

13:59

sentence because... Don't go into

14:01

a fit of the nips every time

14:03

you see a hat or a pair

14:05

of whiskers. First of all,

14:08

isn't this like during the

14:10

war, but this is the

14:12

the front page article? Forget

14:15

the war. Forget what's happening.

14:17

We ladies. You need a

14:19

man. Quit trying to sit

14:21

on every mustache. You'll

14:24

fit. Quiet, Sow. The

14:26

man's writing. A husband

14:28

hunter is the most

14:30

detestable of all young ladies.

14:32

Oh. She is full of

14:34

starch and puckers. She puts

14:37

on many false heirs and

14:39

she is so nice that

14:41

she appears ridiculous in the

14:44

eyes of all decent people.

14:46

Amazing to fucking be upset

14:48

about her being nice. Yeah,

14:51

what's happening right now? Yeah, they're

14:53

mad at... Yes. A

14:57

lot of those things that were listed,

14:59

I would be like, I'm in, I

15:01

would, I would bang that person, you

15:03

know what I mean? Like out there,

15:06

active, nice, I'd be like, let's

15:08

go, what, say it, well, say it, you

15:10

piece of shit. Does that really

15:12

narrow it down for you?

15:14

Stop it. There's a process.

15:17

Nice, mean, whatever, you're, you're,

15:19

you're town. Aggressive, whatever, I'm

15:21

drunk, okay, whatever. May she

15:24

be generally found at meeting?

15:26

About the last one, always at

15:28

social parties, and variably takes

15:31

a front seat at concerts.

15:33

She tries to be the bell of

15:35

the place and thinks she is. This

15:37

is so clearly from a guy who

15:39

just got... Right there's yeah someone

15:41

just someone just got a front

15:44

a front seat at concerts. Yeah

15:46

she wants to be a front

15:48

seat because then everyone's looking at

15:50

her like rushes in town. I mean

15:52

this is 1860 isn't it? What

15:54

concert is happening in 18? What are

15:57

you talking about Gabriel and the

15:59

dirt sellers? You are

16:01

fitting yourself for an

16:03

old maid just as sure

16:05

as they got the best

16:08

juggest. You are fitting yourself

16:10

for an old maid just

16:12

as sure as the Sabbath

16:14

comes on Sunday. This is

16:17

wild. It's crazy. Men will

16:19

furt with you, will flirt

16:22

with you, will flirt with

16:24

you, and flatter you simply

16:26

because they love to do

16:28

it. but they have no

16:30

more idea of making you a

16:33

wife than they have of

16:35

committing suicide. Oh my god! Oh

16:37

my god! I mean... This article

16:39

is... This is the first article.

16:42

Oh my god. Could not be

16:44

more aggressive. Now imagine if she

16:46

read this, but also left a

16:49

five pin in the last frame,

16:51

like her life would be over.

16:54

She would just go run into

16:56

the ocean at that point. Oh

16:58

my god, this is written by a

17:00

woman. Oh my god. What? Well now

17:03

she's right. All women. If I was

17:05

a young man, I would have no more

17:07

to do with such a fancy

17:09

than I would with a rattlesnake.

17:11

Now girls, let Nelly give you

17:14

a piece of her advice. And

17:16

she knows from experience that if

17:18

you practice it, you will gain

17:20

the reputation of becoming worthy

17:22

girls. pitch not a woman

17:24

just pretending that's just a

17:26

guy wrote it and like

17:28

make it seem like a

17:30

little I mean Nelly is old-time

17:32

gay slang so maybe this was

17:34

just like the town gay oh Nelly

17:36

meant like if you're a little Nelly

17:39

you're gay there's also a rapper which

17:41

was always very confusing to me Cause

17:43

I'm like, was that the gay rapper?

17:45

But no. That's so amazing. I've never

17:47

heard that. You know, Nelly is kind

17:49

of like, you know, like, you know,

17:51

like, you're a little, Nelly, you're a

17:54

little light in the loafers. You know,

17:56

one of those, you know. No, I

17:58

never heard the Nelly one. No,

18:00

are you doing Nelly with

18:03

two ends or one? Two

18:05

ends, one L, you know,

18:07

just a little spice

18:09

it up. Nelly. Wow.

18:12

Okay, Garrett, we have

18:14

done episodes about Anita

18:16

Bryant and other, so

18:19

there are women like

18:21

this. There are, I

18:23

just am running into

18:25

the intersection of its...

18:28

You're not wrong. I also

18:30

am just like a paper allowing

18:32

a woman to write the first

18:34

article in the paper in 1863

18:37

Very unlikely and the language does

18:39

feel It just it's it's

18:41

aggressively. It's it's dudish.

18:43

If you're saying it's a

18:46

toxic masculinity feeling article. Yes.

18:48

I would say that's even

18:50

being generous like this should

18:53

this column should be like

18:55

bitch shut up It's extreme.

18:57

But you're right, there are

18:59

these people. I mean, there

19:01

still are, you know. It is well

19:04

enough that you learn to finger

19:06

the piano, work embroidery, study

19:08

grammar, etc. But don't neglect

19:11

letting your grandma or dear

19:13

mother teach you how to

19:16

make bread or get a

19:18

meal's victuals good enough for

19:21

a king. No part of the

19:23

housekeeper's duty should be neglected. If you

19:25

do not marry a wealthy husband, you

19:27

will need to know how to do

19:30

such work. And if you do it,

19:32

it'll be an advantage for you to

19:34

know how to oversee a servant

19:36

girl. I mean, this is just... The, the,

19:38

the, the, the, the, the jois de viv

19:41

of a woman at this... Did you

19:43

just say, jois de viv? Yes. I

19:45

just don't expect it from

19:47

you. Well, it's because you

19:49

don't have much of a

19:51

bourgeois divvive. It must

19:53

be so like your purpose is

19:56

so minimal in this

19:58

this world. I am I'm hoping

20:00

to marry a rich man, but

20:02

if I don't, I'll just learn

20:05

how to clean the walls better.

20:07

I mean, it's just, this

20:09

goes on and on. Like,

20:11

it's just, it's so long.

20:13

Yeah. If your hair is

20:15

straight, don't put on, oh,

20:17

this is crazy. Okay, gets

20:19

racist. If you, if you

20:21

know how to talk, I

20:23

can't believe it gets racist

20:25

in 1863. If you know

20:27

how to talk, do it

20:29

naturally and do not be

20:31

so distressingly polite as to

20:33

spoil all that you say, if

20:35

your hair is straight, don't put

20:38

on curling tongs to make

20:40

people believe that you

20:43

have black blood in your

20:45

veins. Oh, Christ, Almighty. So

20:47

was it cool in the 1860s

20:49

to curl your hair to

20:51

pretend that you weren't

20:54

all white? Is that work?

20:56

Ron, go ahead, you know.

20:58

You know, I mean, I

21:01

think, here's, here's, here's,

21:03

here's, what I would

21:05

say I've learned from

21:07

this country, its

21:09

history, and its citizens.

21:12

We will disenfranchise

21:15

anyone non-white. And

21:17

then. pill for their

21:20

culture for whatever we

21:22

want and never acknowledged

21:25

that it came from

21:27

them. So I think it

21:29

is very possible that that happened.

21:31

Wow. Check you out with the,

21:34

coming in with the points. Fine

21:36

of the girls, listen to the

21:38

counsel of your mothers and ask

21:40

their advice in everything. Think less

21:42

of fashion than you do of

21:44

kitchen duties. Less of romance than

21:46

you do of the realities of

21:48

life. And instead of trying to

21:50

catch a bow, strive to make

21:52

yourself worth being caught by them. Okay,

21:54

that last part is fine. It's like just

21:56

be yourself. Right, okay. Yeah, she's trying to

21:59

say, yeah, I mean. she's obviously terrible

22:01

but she's like saying don't try so

22:03

hard right that's what this is don't

22:05

try so hard I guess I'm so confused

22:07

because it's like don't try so hard but

22:09

it's also trying to push her towards like

22:12

hey get yourself a man and do everything

22:14

for him right now right this is and

22:16

I want to know yeah and like usually

22:18

like these things this feels like an

22:20

advice column where there should be like

22:22

a picture of Nelly you know smiling

22:24

in the corner wearing a little like

22:26

shawl or something a little brooch

22:29

or whatever and they can know

22:31

I want to know more about

22:33

Nellie well there's nothing

22:36

you're not gonna find out

22:38

more about Nellie because it's a

22:41

guy named Carl I mean I

22:43

also like where it's like be

22:45

more but be less into fashion

22:47

and whatever I'm like it's 1860

22:50

Look, yes, you need to have

22:52

a bird on your hat, but

22:54

maybe have the biggest one.

22:57

It's 1863, don't push it

22:59

ladies. I mean, there's no,

23:01

there's no like, it's a

23:03

wild opening. Yeah, there's no

23:05

written by or like headline.

23:08

I mean, it's so demoralized.

23:10

Like, you must have just

23:13

constantly been so demoralized.

23:15

to have to try. I mean,

23:18

and also think of the

23:20

1863 man. Like, ugh. Great,

23:22

right? Is that you mean great?

23:24

If like a goatee were

23:26

made out of tobacco spit.

23:29

But yeah, on the same end is

23:31

like, I feel like 1863, yeah, you

23:33

don't want him, but yet that

23:35

still, that's like, that's a manly

23:37

man. He has to like, hunt

23:39

and get things and like, what?

23:41

I can't hunt and get things,

23:44

I can't even figure out how

23:46

to back up my iPhone, you know? I

23:49

mean, it's all, I've

23:51

never wanted to crack

23:53

time travel more than

23:55

to send Ron to 1863

23:58

to deal with watch. Oh wow,

24:00

that would, I mean, hey, as long as

24:02

they have a bowling alley, I might be

24:04

able to, I'm sure they had some like,

24:06

and like, right? Yeah, they had pin

24:08

swapper. I don't know what. Bowling was

24:10

one of the first sports in

24:12

America. Oh, was it really? Yeah, but

24:15

yeah, we talked about that. It was

24:17

like rocks and like, yeah, the Dutch,

24:19

the Dutch were doing it when they

24:21

first came, yeah, and a new Amsterdamster

24:23

day, yeah. And then a guy cut a bunch

24:25

of a bunch of people's heads off, a

24:28

bunch of people's heads off,

24:30

So, yeah. Nectar of the

24:32

Lips. Next article. Well,

24:34

we reckon some folks

24:36

would really like to know

24:39

what we thought of kissing.

24:41

What is this paper? Because

24:43

there is a civil war,

24:46

and now we're, like, this

24:48

feels like a pamphlet. Yeah,

24:50

it's really weird. Like

24:52

a how-a-midlaid book.

24:55

Maybe they're trying to drag you in

24:57

with a personal like touch and then they're

24:59

going to hit you with the Civil War

25:01

stuff. It feels like one of those newspapers

25:03

like you get in every city where you

25:06

think it's like a legit source and like

25:08

you look through a few pages and then

25:10

the last 20 pages are just like called

25:12

Merleau or whatever and like they have that

25:15

you know it's all personal ads and there's

25:17

all escorts and all of that. That's what

25:19

it feels like the 1860 like the 1860

25:21

equivalent or like yeah. It doesn't like if

25:23

this is the first page I cannot wait

25:26

to get to the 10th page. It's

25:28

like when you get a hotel room

25:30

in Vegas and you're like there's like

25:32

Vegas today and you're like okay and

25:34

it's like an interview with Barry Manalo

25:36

where to get the best cigars? Hey

25:38

want to get your dick sucked for

25:40

your sheet? You're like what the hell

25:42

is it? What is happening? Wait, if

25:44

that is something that exists, I live

25:47

in Vegas, where do I, where do

25:49

I sign up to be a writer?

25:51

Yeah, for about two more months until

25:53

I leave. I came, I did, I

25:55

gotta go, this is not, no. That's

25:57

a tough, that's a tough place to

25:59

live. Oh yeah. Good for you. And then

26:01

where are you going? You're going

26:03

back to the Bay Area? I don't

26:06

know. I have an apartment in the

26:08

Bay Area still that I rent out

26:10

because I'm a part of the problem.

26:12

And so I could go back to

26:14

the Bay. I could go to LA.

26:16

Who knows? I could maybe time travel

26:18

to 1860 and see how I do.

26:20

How many cats? Three cats. Oh

26:23

shit. I like it. I like

26:25

this a lot. And they're all

26:27

named after characters from the Golden

26:29

Girls. Let's hear it. Which one

26:32

are you missing? Oh, well, I'm not,

26:34

I'm not, like, only one of them

26:36

is named after a main character.

26:39

Do you think I'm some sort

26:41

of boring gay? What are the

26:43

names? What are the names? What are

26:45

the names? What are the names? What

26:47

are the names? Well, the one that

26:50

would be most familiar to the average

26:52

person. is Devereux, named after Blanche Devereux.

26:54

Is named Devereux because he is a

26:56

boy. And so it was hard to

26:58

find the right name. So, and he's

27:01

great. And then the other one, the

27:03

next one is named Jasper. And he's

27:05

named after a character in an episode

27:07

called Jasper Du Kimmel, who was like

27:10

kind of like an irate artist. And

27:12

there's more story to that, but I

27:14

named them after that. And then we got

27:16

a female cat that found me in the

27:18

parking lot here. And she is named Frida

27:21

after their neighbor in one episode, Mrs. Frida

27:23

Claxden that Rose accidentally kills when she told

27:25

her to drop her to drop dead.

27:27

So I gotta tell you, I keep

27:29

dipping into the Golden Girls

27:32

and it is such a

27:34

good show. It's really good.

27:36

But I guess everyone is

27:38

in the shadow of you,

27:40

Ron. The writing is very good

27:42

and the characters are very good.

27:45

Yeah, there's not if you really

27:47

follow the show by the way

27:49

There are so many inconsistencies like

27:51

Blanche has somewhere between three and

27:53

six children and one episode and

27:55

one episode Her middle name is

27:57

Marie the next episode her middle

28:00

name Elizabeth just so that they can

28:02

get to a joke that her initial

28:04

spell out bed like there are so

28:06

many there's no through like there's really

28:09

no the only through line is that

28:11

there are four old ladies that is

28:13

it but it is an amazing show I

28:15

gather I watch it nightly with my

28:17

cats you know that's what we

28:19

do here yeah well I don't

28:21

even remember how we started but

28:23

that is the right answer that's

28:25

all I think we started from

28:27

nectar of the lips kissing We

28:30

got to do it from kissing

28:32

somehow. Well we reckon we reckon

28:34

some folks would really like to

28:36

know what we thought of kissing.

28:38

Let's see in the first place

28:40

we thought what an absurd idea

28:42

it is in a man to

28:44

ask a lady to kiss him

28:46

just as if he the senseless

28:48

being thought the poor little

28:50

trembling creature were going

28:53

to do it. Okay so so okay

28:55

it's weird this is weird but is

28:57

it just like. Kiss, let the

28:59

man kiss you? Yeah, I mean, I

29:01

think the idea of a man

29:03

asking for a thing so easily

29:06

obtained. Why it is ridiculous. Yes,

29:08

it is just like, let him

29:10

take it. Yeah, that's right. That's

29:12

what it is. They're saying, why

29:15

would you ask? Why would it,

29:17

why, yes, why bother, obviously he'll

29:19

do it, whether you want it

29:22

or not, silly. Is this

29:24

also written by Nelly Times.

29:26

It really feels that way,

29:28

doesn't it? Yes. She'd say

29:30

no till doomsday and

29:33

you, poor unbeliever, would

29:35

forgo the happiness of

29:38

drawing nectar from the

29:41

rose bud mouth simply

29:43

because... That's the next

29:46

thing going on my

29:48

grinder pride profile looking

29:51

for nectar from the

29:53

rose bud mouth! Oh

29:56

my god.

30:00

Simply because you were

30:02

ignoramus enough to ask for

30:04

what you might have taken.

30:06

Simply because you were ignoramus

30:09

enough to ask for what...

30:11

So it really... He's really up...

30:13

Look, there are 10,000 ways

30:15

to kiss a girl without

30:17

asking. Asking is... A consent

30:19

is... We're in an era

30:21

of consent being a turn

30:23

off, obviously. Which we're still in,

30:26

I believe. I think we're saying B

30:28

more, okay, direct her attention to

30:30

something on the table. Ask for a

30:32

book, you know, to be there. And

30:35

while she's there, go with the affected

30:37

purpose of helping her to look for

30:39

it. Be particular to get to her

30:42

left side. Do you need more telling?

30:44

What the fuck so so this

30:46

is I think the move is this

30:49

hey look there's a candle?

30:51

You ever heard of the

30:53

great Gatsby? Are you missing

30:55

something? It might be over

30:58

here. Just shut the fuck

31:00

up my tongue's in you. Do

31:02

you get right? That's what it

31:04

is. Do you like cats?

31:06

You want to pick this one

31:09

up? Hey, what about buck? Yeah,

31:11

blah, blah, blah, blah, this A

31:13

woman would swipe left and it

31:16

would be like, all right, a

31:18

match. And you'd be like, no,

31:20

I'm pressing no. We're married now.

31:22

You married Doug. He makes boots.

31:25

Wait, what? He's not even in

31:27

my area. You'll move. Shut up!

31:29

Your mom backed all your shit. You

31:31

have no rights. Shut the fuck up!

31:34

Just get in here so I can

31:36

chain you to the stove! Here, this

31:38

is his friend. Your clothes are off.

31:40

Don't wear them until he says, okay.

31:43

But I swiped left. Left means yes.

31:45

Oh, right means yes. You are a

31:47

woman in 1963! Shut the fuck up!

31:49

You shouldn't have got on the app app

31:52

called my property. I didn't even download an

31:54

app. It doesn't matter the app downloaded

31:56

you get inside your husband's house. You

31:58

are married A man

32:00

who would ask for a kiss

32:03

of a fair maiden ought

32:05

to be tarred and feathered

32:07

as a craving-hearted monster. Don't

32:09

you do it! Don't! For

32:11

goodness sake, ask the girls

32:13

to kiss you! Kiss them

32:15

if you want to! But

32:18

do it like a gentleman!

32:20

I'm bad at you! Quick

32:22

reminder, there is a

32:24

war. Right now it's

32:27

a war on kissing,

32:29

you know, you know, they

32:32

have a civil war,

32:34

they had a war

32:36

on drugs and later,

32:38

but right now this

32:41

is a war on how

32:43

to get your woman.

32:46

This is 1863 Fox

32:48

News. Profane language is

32:51

abominable. Loud, what is his

32:53

paper written by a grandma

32:55

who wants her grandson to get

32:57

laid? It's really, it's just a

32:59

paper that yells at you from

33:02

the porch. Yeah, really, it's just

33:04

like a person complaining. Yeah.

33:06

Profane language is an abominable,

33:09

loud laughing is impolitic,

33:11

impolitic. Inquisitiveness

33:14

is offensive. Taddling is

33:16

mean. Telling lines is

33:18

contemptible, slandering is

33:21

delive, devilish, ignorance is

33:23

disgraceful, and laziness is

33:26

shameful. And that's the

33:28

entire art, that's the

33:31

article. It's my favorite

33:33

ones. I would just love

33:35

to live during this time if

33:37

this was what our biggest worries sort

33:39

of war, you know, we've got

33:41

a lot go out, like if I

33:44

can just open a paper today,

33:46

like tomorrow, if I just opened the

33:48

front page in the New York

33:50

Times and it was like, this

33:52

is how you're getting late today.

33:54

But to your point, Ron, there's

33:56

a civil war. This is, this

33:59

is like, it's. It's like, it's

34:01

all, it is almost like Brett

34:03

Stevens columns. Yeah. Where you're

34:05

just like, what are you, bro,

34:07

shut the foot, nobody's talking about,

34:10

this hit, shut the fuck up.

34:12

Yeah. I also want to know

34:14

if this is Delaware specific, or

34:16

like if other newspapers from 1863

34:18

are also like that, so somebody

34:20

in New Jersey was, you know.

34:22

We've never really seen one like this,

34:25

so. No, this is not, this is,

34:27

this is crazy and new. Yeah, a lot

34:29

of times there's a a

34:32

lot of times what happens

34:34

is it'll be like this

34:36

stuff and then the next

34:39

page will just be like

34:41

34 slain We know the

34:43

34 slain in this one

34:46

and it's still just someone

34:48

like let a man take

34:51

his penis out if he's

34:53

drinking whiskey. Don't be so

34:56

delicate lady Many proverbs

34:58

admit contradiction as

35:01

witness the following

35:03

The more the barrier no

35:05

not so one hand is

35:07

enough in a purse There's

35:10

more Nothing but what has

35:12

an end so that was apparently

35:15

an end nothing but

35:18

was apparently an end

35:20

Nothing but was what has

35:22

an end so this one

35:24

what has an end? Not

35:27

so, a ring has none,

35:29

for it is round. These

35:31

all were, obviously, we

35:33

know all these because

35:35

they're so good.

35:37

Money is a great

35:39

comfort, not when it

35:41

brings a thief to

35:44

the gallows. I think these

35:46

might be jokes. I think

35:48

this is stand-up. Well, that

35:50

one is fucking jesel, Nick.

35:53

Money is great! Unless a

35:55

thief is in your gallows!

35:57

What? What are you talking?

35:59

It is a great way to

36:01

the bottom of the sea. Well, that's

36:04

quite it. That's it. Let

36:06

him take the chance. Have sex

36:09

with them. He's a thief and

36:11

he belongs there. Let him steal

36:14

some nectar from the rose

36:16

buds. It is a great way to

36:18

the bottom of the sea. Well,

36:20

that's quite it. That's it. I

36:23

don't know why we lost these,

36:25

but not so. It is but

36:27

a stone's cast. Just come on,

36:29

no. The pride of the rich

36:31

makes the labor of the poor. Not

36:33

so, the labor of the poor makes

36:36

the pride of the rich. Well, one

36:38

makes sense. Flipped it. Yeah, one makes

36:40

sense. Well, one makes sense. Well,

36:42

that was an interesting article.

36:45

Yep. Everyone has been,

36:47

uh, bizarrely upsetting. This is

36:49

the last little, it's just one

36:51

of the one sentence articles. The

36:54

last one on the first one.

36:56

Ronch. These are my favorite. Kisses

36:58

between women are like

37:01

two handsome unmatched gloves

37:03

charming things with their

37:05

proper mates, but good

37:07

for nothing in that way

37:10

And all I want to do

37:12

is whack it So I don't

37:14

even know what this is saying.

37:17

Well, it's giving way more props

37:19

to kissing a what like the

37:21

fact is bringing up. Yeah, it's

37:23

yeah, it's so so women have

37:26

to be kissing each other or

37:28

else seems like it's far more

37:30

validating of lesbians in the time

37:32

than I thought it would be

37:34

like they would be like it's

37:36

like a glove in a sock,

37:38

but instead like it's like two

37:40

different gloves That's pretty close for

37:42

1863 charming things with their

37:45

proper mates, but good for nothing

37:47

in that way But has anyone,

37:49

I mean, I would wear two

37:51

mismatch gloves. Well, everybody knows you

37:53

would. I'm like Madonna. Madonna

37:56

would never wear two mismatch

37:58

gloves. You'll eat those. fucking

38:00

words by the end of

38:02

this show. This is very

38:04

confusing. They could have not.

38:07

Yeah, they could have not.

38:09

They could have not been

38:11

willingly talking about two actual

38:13

woman kissing in 1860. How would

38:15

that even come about? And

38:17

like what it would. This

38:19

paper is trying to hit

38:22

from every angle so women

38:24

will bang men. Oh, I see. Can

38:26

you imagine me trying to pick

38:28

up a man in 1860? What

38:31

do I say? Excuse me, excuse

38:33

me, sir, would you jolly a

38:35

butt rogering? Like, I don't know.

38:38

Or maybe it's the opposite way.

38:40

Oh, the things that I would

38:42

do, like, I can see it now,

38:44

like a dating app, oh, the things

38:46

that I would do to thy lady

38:49

if she does not die giving

38:51

childbirth. Like, I don't know, like,

38:53

like, what. I imagine it's hard

38:56

to eat ass in the top

38:58

hat. I mean, dad brings up

39:00

a lot of logistical issues.

39:03

You really get it. I

39:05

really do want to go

39:07

to 1863. You'd hate to.

39:10

You're pointing out problems my

39:12

brain couldn't even get to,

39:14

but yes. If you are to

39:17

each bottom, you should take off

39:19

fine. Top hat! Well no, I

39:21

know there's some guy you can,

39:23

he was just like, I call

39:25

at the bottom carve out top

39:27

hat. You can keep your top

39:30

hat on while your face deep

39:32

in cheek. Have a look at that,

39:34

bars. I put the butt part

39:36

at the back and when

39:39

you're ready for ass munching,

39:41

you're just popping out like

39:43

yay. That's pretty good. Oh

39:45

so let me introduce you

39:48

to the stash bib. ask to

39:50

eat the ass good law.

39:52

You have some great

39:54

ideas if there was

39:57

a shark tank in

39:59

1863. You would be

40:01

selling those yeah, aspibs

40:04

I call it the

40:06

spit shit house

40:09

It's the only

40:11

crapper with a

40:13

spoon inside of it

40:16

There you go It's

40:19

called the flap rack

40:21

finally eat pancakes

40:24

off your wash busts

40:28

Two correspondence in others.

40:31

We solicit contributions and

40:33

correspondence from all quarters,

40:36

and when worthy, we'll be

40:38

appropriately published. Our friends must

40:41

write briefly, legibly, and on one

40:43

side of the paper, only

40:45

the real name of the

40:47

author must accompany each communication

40:49

as a guarantee of good faith.

40:51

So people writing in some of these.

40:53

That might be why it's so crazy.

40:56

Yeah. Because it's... So this is

40:58

basically this is just a

41:00

Reader submitted paper so far

41:02

to this but also how do

41:04

they write in like I don't

41:06

think let's see what is the

41:09

1863 so was there a pony

41:11

expert? No Like do you just

41:13

write on a piece of paper

41:15

and then drop it off and

41:17

be like put it in the

41:19

raven's claw hope for the best?

41:22

The raven's like, I bet

41:24

this is a note for

41:26

the king to let him

41:28

know that the... No, it's

41:30

just about how you should

41:32

be able to suck face

41:35

with a woman even if

41:37

she gives you squint. Oh,

41:39

here's... They can't do it.

41:41

The copperheads are very anxious

41:43

to crush us out and

41:46

have given us any amount

41:48

of trouble in various

41:50

ways while we... We're trying

41:52

to get our little cult, the

41:54

union, in the traces, but we are

41:56

off now, a whole team, and if

41:58

our friends will only... by us as

42:01

they ought to do, we will

42:03

be champion of the state of

42:05

Delaware by Christmas. So

42:07

copperheads are Democrats who

42:09

did not want to fight in

42:12

the war. So there are

42:14

peace-loving Democrats going against

42:16

their party Confederates,

42:19

I think. Oh, going against the

42:21

Confederates. Right, because the

42:24

parties were swapped. They're

42:26

Democrats. I thought copperheads

42:28

were fish. Oh, just not here.

42:31

Yeah. I thought there

42:33

were snakes. There's snakes.

42:35

Oh, it's a snake.

42:37

It's a poisonous. It's

42:39

a poisonous snake. Huh,

42:41

you think I know

42:43

more about snakes than fish?

42:46

Yeah, well. I'm giving

42:48

him copperhead, you see.

42:50

That's so funny. Yeah,

42:52

copperheads were, so

42:54

the Republicans. called

42:57

anti-war Democrats copperheads.

42:59

Anti-war Democrats copperheads, right.

43:01

For some reason we know

43:03

not, but maybe because there's

43:06

snakes in the grass or something.

43:08

Yeah, they're supporting. their support increase

43:10

when union armies did poorly and

43:13

decreased when they won big victories.

43:15

Well can we at least say

43:17

that the Democrats the Democrats are

43:19

consistent in the fact that they'll

43:22

say something they believe and then

43:24

do so little to back it

43:26

up and get rolled over. Why

43:29

I don't understand. Nothing. The people

43:31

willing to surrender the demolition

43:33

of Fort Sumter. So we're like

43:35

two years into the war. A

43:38

letter dated Morris Island. First, we're

43:40

finally into the fact that

43:42

the Civil War is going on.

43:45

Is this on the back page?

43:47

Yeah. Right, yeah. Right next. The

43:50

sex worker numbers would be in

43:52

the chronology of the paper. Yeah.

43:54

Is this article in the war

43:57

like right next to the comic

43:59

strips? Yeah, right. Is

44:01

there a peanut of

44:04

1863? Like I would

44:06

love, with all those

44:09

proverbs we heard, I

44:11

would love to see

44:13

what a comic strip

44:16

is. Just a version

44:18

of Kathy, just

44:21

being like, being

44:23

grabbed by a man.

44:25

And she's like, ahh!

44:28

He just... The people willing to

44:30

surrender the demolition of Fort Sumter

44:32

a letter dated Morris Island August

44:34

29 states that the rebel deserters

44:37

several of whom reach our lines

44:39

every day represent the people of

44:41

Charleston Anxious to surrender the city

44:44

The shelling process caused general

44:46

surprise General Beauregard having pledged

44:48

his reputation that it was

44:50

an impossibility and mere Yankee

44:53

bravado It has been ascertained

44:55

that the first shell fired by

44:57

the Marsh Battery entered a house

44:59

occupied by a number of officers

45:02

killing several in destroying the house.

45:04

Wow. This is such bigger news

45:06

story. I mean, honestly, the

45:08

framing of this paper is bonkers.

45:11

Yeah, it really is. This story is

45:13

boring me. Tell me how to get

45:15

married. I know, right? Honestly, what it's

45:17

done to me too. Yeah. I am

45:20

damaged by the beginning because I was

45:22

so... Outraged and shocked by what was

45:24

happening that now the civil war I'm

45:26

like yeah, is it okay? A bunch

45:29

of officers got bombed and The

45:31

deserters say there is but 25

45:33

men in Fort Sumter and then it

45:35

will be blown up as soon as

45:37

the attempt is made to take possession

45:39

And that did that happen Dave?

45:41

I don't know if that happened. I

45:44

don't remember I've heard of Fort

45:46

Sumter so I've been there Yeah, it's

45:48

not I don't think it's as good

45:50

as it used to be Took some day.

45:52

Yeah, hell yeah, I did. You're allowed to

45:55

grab a woman by her belt loop and

45:57

do what you want. I came in with

45:59

my copperhead boy. That's right. Why

46:01

they have riots in New

46:04

York? So, draft riots.

46:06

Okay. I think we know then.

46:09

Yeah, right. Yeah. Pretty obvious.

46:11

At an address

46:13

recently delivered before

46:16

the young man's Christian

46:19

association in New

46:22

York, the following...

46:25

startling statistics statistics

46:28

were presented. This

46:30

is why they riot. There are

46:32

in New York 100,000

46:34

German infidels. Wow. Okay.

46:37

All right? Yep, the border.

46:39

350,000 persons who don't

46:42

go to church. 13,000

46:44

families without Bibles, 60,000

46:47

children who never

46:49

attend school, 15,000

46:51

vagrant and hopeless

46:53

children who graduate

46:55

thieves and vagabonds.

46:58

Okay, so this paper, very pro-war,

47:00

and the Christian pro-war,

47:03

they're like, if you were

47:05

good Christians, you would go to

47:07

war. Right. But how did they

47:10

get that, that like, census? How

47:12

did they get those statistics? Like,

47:15

13,000 without Bibles. Yeah,

47:17

honestly. Yeah, oh yeah, they

47:19

didn't know this. Yeah, no

47:22

way. Because they are pretty

47:24

insane, the numbers. Yeah, the

47:26

numbers are crazy. Yeah, right.

47:28

6,000 sailors in port all

47:31

the time a floating population

47:33

of 50,000 all sorts of

47:35

back population of 50,000

47:37

people living on boats. Oh

47:40

my god, that is not

47:42

what I expected. That's

47:44

crazy. You know a

47:46

floating population. Hermen. They

47:49

live on lily pads.

47:51

50,000 on boats. I mean

47:53

maybe, you know. Even for that

47:55

to be in the realm of

47:57

possibility is amazing. Yeah. That honest...

48:00

That might be my vibe soon.

48:02

Yeah? Yeah, it might just be

48:04

like, you know, just Houseboat,

48:06

Houseboat, Gareth. Yeah, just, just,

48:08

I'm a docked. Yeah, it's

48:10

so easy. Just go to

48:12

land for like your few,

48:14

you know what I mean?

48:16

Just go to land for

48:18

like your few, you know what

48:20

I mean? Just go get a

48:22

vending machine in there. What?

48:24

For what? I don't know,

48:27

just snacks and whatever. get

48:29

some pretzels put in it you have

48:31

but you're gonna pay for your own

48:33

snacks i don't know how the vending

48:36

machine i've never had the curtain peeled

48:38

back but i don't know how that

48:40

works i'm pretty sure it's just well

48:42

your idea is to have a vending

48:44

machine on your own houseboats so i'm

48:46

wondering what the the guy fills it

48:48

i don't know if he's paid by

48:51

the government or whatever might be a

48:53

but are you paying for the like

48:55

if you want crackers ideally no i

48:57

put a Someone has a vending machine

48:59

business on your boat that you own.

49:01

Again, I don't really want to get

49:04

into the behind the scenes of it

49:06

all. Why can I feel like we

49:08

have to though? Because this is your

49:10

dream. Ryan, do you have any

49:12

questions about this process? No. Well, you

49:15

know, the thing that I answered anything.

49:17

The thing that I'm to make equating

49:19

this to is that I told you

49:22

I'm living in Vegas and Vegas is

49:24

very weird. There are people who are

49:26

such gambling addicts that they've purchased their

49:28

own slot machines and put them into

49:31

their own houses. What's what I'm talking

49:33

about? So, but what do you hear?

49:35

Jackpa, yeah, do you pay yourself? What do you

49:37

do? Do you just go to your, like, how,

49:40

so this is the same thing? What are you

49:42

to not understanding about feeling

49:44

like you're winning at home?

49:46

But you're not winning at home,

49:48

you're just saying... Yes I am, I'm

49:50

getting a Heath bar for 55 cents,

49:53

E2. Yeah, but you don't... It's like

49:55

snack bingo, asshole. You're ordering food,

49:57

not... No, I'm not the man.

50:00

putting it in there. He's got the

50:02

key. It's the round little key. What are

50:04

you talking about? I don't think

50:06

you know anything works. I don't

50:08

think you need to come visit

50:10

my awesome situation. Don't want to,

50:12

I think the boat smells. Good,

50:14

you're not getting a little bag

50:16

of rolled golds or any donuts?

50:18

I can just picture it getting

50:20

stuck right now and then you

50:22

have to shake the vending machine.

50:24

But then it shakes your boat

50:26

and then your boat sinks. Yes,

50:28

no, no, no, no. Look. We're

50:30

going to get back to the

50:32

premise of the show in a

50:34

minute, but let me clear a

50:36

little something up for two naysayers.

50:38

You don't need to shake the

50:41

vending machine, you take the boat

50:43

out for a little while, and

50:45

nature not sit down for you.

50:47

You are a boat idiot. I

50:49

wish we could go back in

50:51

time and have Nellie write an

50:53

article on you and your boat.

50:56

You're boat, guys. You better believe

50:58

Nellie. Okay, more stats. Nellie will

51:00

be like, you want that snack,

51:02

don't pay for it, take it!

51:04

Yeah, yeah. Let him put his

51:06

hand up there and steal the

51:08

snacks off of the little slinking.

51:11

Slick. Slick. Slicky? Yeah, a

51:13

little rotating. That technology was

51:15

probably so fucking big in

51:18

the vending machine world. What's

51:20

something I was like, how, but

51:23

they'll be able to shake it.

51:25

That's some guy's like, all right,

51:27

wait. We no longer need the

51:29

vending bird. Wow. No more

51:31

vending vultures. We can space it.

51:33

And then it'll rotate. It

51:36

gives us the opportunity for

51:38

the food to drop. Oh. So we

51:40

can get rid. We can get rid

51:42

of the bird that goes and takes

51:45

it with his beak and drops it

51:47

into the hole. We no longer need

51:50

the vending bird. Wow. No more

51:52

vending vending vultures. This

51:54

is exciting. Yeah. This is

51:56

awesome. All

52:00

sorts of books in circulation

52:02

and in any quantity, 90,

52:04

there's, all sorts of bad,

52:06

this is the list of,

52:08

why, New York riots, yeah,

52:10

sorry, all sorts of bad

52:12

books in circulation, so, misinformation,

52:14

being non-bibles. Yeah, non-Bibles. Yeah,

52:16

non-Bibles. 92, oh, now

52:19

they actually, actual stack, because

52:21

it's very, very specific number.

52:23

99, 232 arrests by police

52:25

last year, three force of

52:27

which were traceable to drunkenness.

52:29

That's that you'd be proud of

52:31

that. Yeah, that's all right. So much

52:34

alcohol people are having fun. Yeah

52:36

Six thousand places where liquor

52:38

is sold 25,000 abandoned women

52:40

keeping up their end of

52:43

the so-called social evil 2,500

52:45

brothels, arrests in 1862,

52:47

equaling one every nine

52:49

commitments to prison one

52:51

in every 22 of

52:53

the entire citizenship, the

52:56

cost of crime, pauperism,

52:58

and moral obliquity.

53:00

More than three million this

53:03

year, half a million

53:05

of people living in

53:07

tenement houses, 25,000 persons

53:09

living underground. Oh, that's

53:11

like Vegas. Yeah, bless us

53:13

talking about the riots. Isn't it

53:15

a miracle that they don't have

53:17

a riot every few minutes instead

53:19

of one every 10 or 15

53:21

years? So he's basically saying poor

53:23

people are poor. That's what he's

53:26

saying people are poor. Poor drunk

53:28

and looking a bang. And they're not

53:30

all in church. I no longer want

53:32

to go back to 1860. I want

53:34

to take someone from 1860 and drop

53:37

them in New York right now. Right

53:39

this minute. How did these statistics hold

53:41

up? Yeah, seriously. He ends up

53:43

just loving Bubba Gump. You're

53:46

like, look, I had all

53:48

planned for your existence. I was

53:50

fixing to go back to Bubba

53:52

Gump today. That lady who lets

53:54

you in or not, she told

53:56

me the weight was going to

53:58

be an hour 45. because they were

54:01

on a rush? What does that mean? I

54:03

wanted you to go explore the

54:05

city a little more. That Bubba

54:07

Grump got the best season fries.

54:10

And they'll let you put all

54:12

those fixings on for nothing. Look.

54:14

I took you out of 1863

54:16

to get your take on modern

54:19

day New York. The bathrooms and

54:21

Bubba Gump are so different from

54:23

the ones at my time. I could

54:26

think of the bathrooms that were

54:28

way better than that. I don't

54:30

want to trust anything other

54:32

than the shitter at Bubba

54:34

Gump. Look at the menu,

54:37

Ron. You have brought me

54:39

into paradise and I could

54:41

never repay you. There's

54:43

like a thousand better restaurants right

54:45

around here. We could go to

54:48

Olive Garden. We'll never go to

54:50

a garden of olives. Why would I

54:52

do that? This place is full of shrimp.

54:54

They could do it so many different

54:56

ways. In my time they were

54:59

considered cockroaches, but it's one of

55:01

the most versatile things on a

55:03

menu ever. And did I tell you

55:05

about the bathroom? The sinker washed your

55:07

hands for you and it's a

55:09

great place for ass cleaning too,

55:11

Ron. As long as they

55:13

don't let the copperheads in here.

55:16

Long as the copperheads don't come

55:18

here, we'll be fine. Ron, I

55:20

was fixing you and I could

55:22

go live under that table back

55:24

there. That way we don't have

55:27

to wait for paradise every

55:29

day. I'm mostly just thinking

55:31

about an Italian Homer Simpson

55:34

running through an olive garden,

55:36

a garden of olives. That's

55:39

what I'm stuck on now.

55:41

kind of big black mustache. The

55:43

draft in New York

55:45

State in Kingston New York

55:47

the draft and Kingston New

55:50

York the draft and seven

55:52

out districts of

55:54

Green County were completed

55:56

today the best of

55:58

order prevailed. took place in

56:01

Poughkeepsie today, the best of feeling

56:03

prevailed, and in the evening, the

56:05

conscripts prey to the streets, accompanied

56:07

by a band of music. Among

56:10

the drafted was the chief engineer

56:12

of the fire department and the

56:14

editor of the Poughkeepsie. And so

56:17

they're basically saying they're not New

56:19

York animals. Yeah, they're like, oh,

56:21

you've never felt better than

56:23

getting drafted into a war, you

56:25

idiots. There's a band! Draft me, geez,

56:28

gosh, draft me. I love a guy.

56:30

Bread Riot at Mobile, Alabama.

56:32

Refugees who have lately

56:34

arrived within our lines bring

56:37

exciting reports of the terrible

56:39

conditions of affairs in the

56:41

South. One man who left

56:44

Mobile on the fifth states

56:46

that a terrible riot broke out

56:48

among the soldiers' wives on the

56:50

fourth. About 600 women and

56:53

children collected on Spring Hill,

56:55

armed with clubs and hatchets.

56:57

Good order. That's a beautiful

56:59

sight. Women and kids. Yeah, yeah.

57:01

And March, I mean, honestly, my dream

57:04

would be for a kid with a

57:06

hatchet to be like, buddy, I'm gonna

57:08

fucking hatchet kill you, be like, right

57:10

now. Just snatch it away so fast.

57:13

Can a eight-year-old with a

57:15

hatchet? So if a kid comes in

57:17

with a hatchet, you're going to take

57:19

it from him and kill him? I

57:21

thought you guys were going to get

57:23

on board a little faster and now

57:26

feels lonely over here. But yeah, I'd

57:28

be like, keep coming over with a

57:30

hatchet, who's like going to kill you?

57:33

What am I just taking away and

57:35

not kill him? I mean, this seems

57:37

like nothing if you've been to like

57:39

a mobile waffle house at three in

57:42

the morning. Ron, it's unbelievable the food

57:44

they got in there. The syrup, they'll

57:46

let you take as much as you

57:49

can. It's like, I gotta stop bringing

57:51

people back there without telling them what

57:53

their mission is. They marched through the

57:55

principal streets carrying banners

57:57

on which they're inscribed.

58:00

on which were inscribed,

58:02

bread or blood, bread

58:04

or peace, etc. I'll

58:06

have some piss. I'll have

58:08

some piss, piss, piss, peace.

58:11

Being soldiers' wives,

58:13

their proceedings were

58:15

winked at by the soldiers

58:17

who made but a feeble

58:20

resistance. Stars were broken open

58:22

and forcibly entered. One merchant,

58:24

a Jew, oh my God!

58:27

Jesus Christ! One merchant of

58:29

Jews struck one of the

58:32

women. Quit reading it! Some

58:34

policemen who were present arrested

58:36

the Jew and beat him

58:39

severely. Oh my God. Well

58:41

I think they're trying to

58:44

make a point here and

58:46

this gentleman was Jewish.

58:48

They're being subtle about

58:51

it, but the point is being

58:53

made. But quick question, was there

58:55

a band? No band.

58:58

Many citizens have

59:00

left town among

59:03

whom was our informant

59:06

who says the

59:09

right was increasing

59:11

when he left.

59:13

Well, yeah, people

59:15

like that. Any

59:17

informant was not a Jew.

59:20

No, not Jew. No Jew.

59:22

No Jew or no Jew.

59:25

It's breaking Jews. Jew out

59:27

of now. Okay. We did

59:29

it. Oh, here's some.

59:32

Sinbad the Sailor. Ah.

59:34

It is generally conceded

59:36

now that most of

59:39

the wondrous adventures of

59:41

Sinbad during the seven

59:43

voyages as related in

59:46

the Arabian Nights entertainments

59:48

are literally founded on

59:51

facts. That's right. We

59:53

can finally say that

59:55

Sinbad was real and

59:58

his adventures true. Sinbad

1:00:01

lived in the 8th century

1:00:03

and his voyage populated

1:00:06

in 1863 being like we

1:00:09

could finally confirm something

1:00:11

from the 18th century.

1:00:13

We have the technology

1:00:15

now. A wizard sucked

1:00:17

on Sinbad's bones and

1:00:20

said they tasted real.

1:00:22

So there you go.

1:00:24

Cyclops happened. Cyclops real.

1:00:26

Look at this skeleton. No

1:00:29

eyes. Bingo. Oh no, I was

1:00:31

just thinking like about how like

1:00:33

I can't wait for this article

1:00:35

that I'd be like and in

1:00:38

his in Sinbad's next life he

1:00:40

will be a stand-up comedian. And

1:00:42

a great one. Wearing bright

1:00:45

clothes, very great one. I did

1:00:47

I did a gig once in in

1:00:49

like Alabama and it was

1:00:51

like man, it was like

1:00:53

seriously like 30 people there and

1:00:55

um and then after the show the

1:00:57

GM of the club. He we just

1:00:59

I don't know I don't remember

1:01:02

his name, but me and the staff

1:01:04

of that club partied so fucking

1:01:06

hard That the next day I left

1:01:08

and I was like who were they what

1:01:10

just happened like we ordered a

1:01:12

we smoked We were just it

1:01:14

was crazy, but he was like you

1:01:16

know the one guy who's never had

1:01:19

a bad set and you can ask

1:01:21

any club manager anywhere Sinbad

1:01:23

is like never bombed I was like

1:01:25

a night when I bombed I was

1:01:28

like it. It's time for the

1:01:30

Sinbad talk young comedian. Yeah I

1:01:32

was like cool mister I love

1:01:34

when they I give you like

1:01:36

like I was just at a

1:01:38

gig last weekend and a customer

1:01:40

comes up to me and goes

1:01:42

oh you're here this weekend I'm

1:01:44

like yes and they're like oh

1:01:46

I thought it was supposed to

1:01:48

be and they named a comic

1:01:50

and I made a joke I'm

1:01:52

like well I hope you're not

1:01:55

looking for smart jokes because that's

1:01:57

what that comic does and that's not what

1:01:59

I have. out that guy comes

1:02:01

up to mingos oh no your

1:02:03

stuff was pretty good you had

1:02:06

three smart jokes I'm like oh

1:02:08

things for counting I'm glad you

1:02:10

were keeping a tally on that

1:02:13

thank you sometimes the in-person yelp

1:02:15

they'll give you is like the

1:02:17

most painful thing ever Well, and

1:02:19

then it gets worse because I

1:02:21

got home and the next day

1:02:23

they found me on social media

1:02:25

and then told me that they

1:02:27

were an aspiring comedian. Oh my

1:02:29

God. And do I have any

1:02:32

advice for them? And I just

1:02:34

wrote, I wrote Right Smarter. You

1:02:36

know, that is great. That's actually

1:02:38

great for that because that means

1:02:40

they were not coming from the

1:02:42

John Q customer standpoint. They were like,

1:02:44

I'm awesome. Yeah. Always enjoyed

1:02:46

that instant feedback. Was

1:02:49

that the end of the

1:02:51

Sinbad Day? I know. It's

1:02:53

popularized in the book Arabian

1:02:56

Nights is related in an

1:02:58

Arabic book which was translated

1:03:00

into French by M. Langlis

1:03:02

and published in Paris in

1:03:05

1848. I just would love

1:03:07

to cut to like a

1:03:09

producer just like the truth

1:03:12

is not a lot of

1:03:14

people talked about the Arabian

1:03:16

days. In his third voyage

1:03:18

as popularly told Simbat was

1:03:21

attacked by hideous dwarfs about

1:03:23

two feet high and covered

1:03:25

in red hair. Oh come

1:03:27

on! Why are they coming to

1:03:29

me? Two feet two feet two feet

1:03:32

high and covered in red air.

1:03:34

Leprechons bro. Yeah it doesn't.

1:03:36

It turns out... It turns

1:03:39

out the story of Sinbad

1:03:41

killing leprechans was real. It turns

1:03:43

out that the inhabitants of

1:03:45

the Ottoman islands and the

1:03:48

Bay of Bengal are dwarfs, whose

1:03:50

full height is four feet five

1:03:52

inches, and their average weight only

1:03:54

76 pounds. They are not covered

1:03:56

in red hair, but are painted

1:03:58

over with red... and oil, these

1:04:01

aptly correspond with the piglets.

1:04:03

1863 debunking is my fetish

1:04:05

now. I don't know what

1:04:08

just happened. I have to

1:04:10

be really honest. Well, they

1:04:12

basically were like, it's a

1:04:14

crazy story they told you

1:04:16

about Sinbad. But modern science

1:04:18

now lets us know that

1:04:20

those dwarfs were four feet

1:04:22

tall. And they weren't it

1:04:24

all covered in orange moss. No,

1:04:26

someone just painted them

1:04:28

with okra. It's not

1:04:31

it's I love stories

1:04:33

like Like from this time

1:04:35

and what what like I was

1:04:38

in Iceland and they were like

1:04:40

hey hey hey this field is

1:04:42

um it's like like littered with

1:04:44

like door like dorms and mystical

1:04:46

creatures that are all hiding and

1:04:48

then when you least expect it

1:04:50

they're gonna like tell stories and

1:04:52

do songs and then you know

1:04:54

why they say that is because

1:04:56

it literally said oh a girl

1:04:58

with mental illness was roaming this

1:05:01

field on her own and she

1:05:03

heard all of this, so now

1:05:05

it must be true. So 200

1:05:07

years later, this is definitely true

1:05:09

because a girl with mental illness

1:05:11

hurt it, is just overlooks the

1:05:13

waterfall, by the way, that is

1:05:15

haunted by a ghost dog, and

1:05:17

they say because the dog is

1:05:19

a ghost, he blows the waterfall

1:05:21

off course every day, and I

1:05:23

go, yeah, it could also be wind.

1:05:25

Wind can do that, too. But now,

1:05:27

let's just go on a waterfall. Did

1:05:30

you take a waterfall tour? Not a tour

1:05:32

tour, but I went and explored many waterfalls

1:05:34

and I looked up, I got like a

1:05:36

whole guide and I like found a hidden

1:05:39

waterfall on my own that I had to

1:05:41

like, I had to go over rocks and

1:05:43

rivers. Yes, I definitely did. All

1:05:45

right, that's what matters. This this

1:05:47

waterfall here was blown by a

1:05:49

tourist. They say don't go chasing

1:05:51

waterfalls, but I didn't listen because

1:05:53

I'm a rebel. I went. No rivers

1:05:56

and lakes and lakes that you're used

1:05:58

to. Thank you for being our

1:06:00

left eye and joining us

1:06:02

on this episode. Couldn't appreciate

1:06:05

it more. I gotta say

1:06:07

a real banger from from

1:06:09

bowling to the end top-notch

1:06:12

stuff. Please come back and

1:06:14

congratulations on the bowling. I'm

1:06:16

not gonna lie. That was that

1:06:18

was awesome. But you're the best.

1:06:21

Thank you. Any parting words?

1:06:23

People can go to ronvie.com

1:06:25

to ends and Ron. We

1:06:27

know why because it can. Yeah,

1:06:29

yeah, it's like like littered with like

1:06:31

door like dorms and mystical creatures

1:06:33

that are all hiding and then

1:06:35

when you least expect it they're

1:06:37

gonna like that's right. Tell stories

1:06:39

and do songs and then you

1:06:42

know why they say that is

1:06:44

because it literally said oh a

1:06:46

girl with mental illness was roaming

1:06:48

this field on her own and

1:06:50

she heard all of this so

1:06:52

now it must be true. So

1:06:54

200 years later this is definitely

1:06:56

true because a girl with mental

1:06:58

illness hurt it is just overlooks

1:07:00

the waterfall by the way that is

1:07:02

haunted by a ghost dog and they

1:07:04

say because the dog as a ghost

1:07:06

he blows the waterfall off course every

1:07:08

day and I go yeah it could

1:07:10

also be wind. Wind can do that

1:07:12

too. Now did you take a waterfall

1:07:14

tour? Did you take a waterfall tour?

1:07:16

Not a tour tour but I went

1:07:19

and explored many waterfalls and I looked

1:07:21

up I got like a whole guide

1:07:23

and I like found a hidden waterfall

1:07:25

on my own that I had to

1:07:27

like I had to go over rocks

1:07:29

and rivers. Yes I definitely did. All

1:07:31

right that's what matters. This this

1:07:34

waterfall here was blown by

1:07:36

a tourist. They say don't

1:07:38

go chasing waterfalls, but I

1:07:40

didn't listen because I'm a rebel.

1:07:42

I went. I went. I went.

1:07:44

No rivers and lakes that you're

1:07:47

used to. Ron, thank you

1:07:49

for being our left eye

1:07:51

and joining us on this

1:07:53

episode. Couldn't appreciate it more.

1:07:55

I gotta say, a real

1:07:57

banger from bowling to the

1:07:59

end. Yeah. stuff. Please come

1:08:01

back and congratulations on

1:08:03

the bowling. I'm not going to

1:08:05

lie. That was that was awesome.

1:08:07

But you're the best. Thank you.

1:08:09

Any parting words? People can go

1:08:11

to run vi.com to ends and

1:08:13

run. We know why because it

1:08:15

can. Yeah, and I always want to

1:08:18

know where Ken is these days, but

1:08:20

yet do I really want to know?

1:08:22

I don't